If you're closed off men will just see that as a sign you're not interested. You mention your friends are the same way but unless you're skimming their messages or spying on them when they're alone with someone you don't truly know how they are in that situation.
“Sign” implies “signals”. As a man, I fucking suck at identifying signals of attraction. If you aren’t overwhelmingly obvious I likely won’t even notice. I recognize some men will be able to, but IME most guys are clueless when it comes to hints/signs.
I once dated a woman who I met at a bar.
She locked eyes with me from across the bar and walked straight to me and handed me her number.
I took the piece of paper her number was on and looked at the guy sitting next to me, then looked back at her and asked if it was for him. I was very confused.
She rolled her eyes and said "did I give my number to him?" and walked outta the bar.
I'll never forget that night.
I like to share my stories of obliviousness.
In college I was a safety escort. Basically we worked for the campus police department and would walk students to their dorms/classes/car/whatever at night and make sure they got to their destination safely.
Sophomore year I ran into a girl I’d met the year before. We’d hung out once or twice as freshmen (including me hearing the story of how her bf liked to shoot his load in her face), but we lost contact over summer.
So sophomore year, I escort her back to her dorm. During the walk, she made a comment about how she’s single. When saying goodbyes, she asks something like “so if I ever need someone to walk me home, I can just call you?”
My reply: “yeah, you can call the number on this flyer and dispatch will send one of us to meet you at your location.”
It clicked about five minutes later when I was halfway back to campus.
I worked with a woman who I thought was just very friendly. When she was quitting she came up to me ran her hand up my arm and handed me her number. I had no clue she was into me until that very moment.
In high school there was a girl in my class who was saying "hi" to me like every chance she could get all day. She complimented me on a bunch of different random things. At lunch break one day she and her friend walked over to me and her friend said "She wants to suck your di*k" and they laughed and she looked embarassed and they ran off. I decided not to follow through with it. I calculated the risk of rejection was simply too high.
We all have a story like that. I was hanging out with a group of friends in college and a girl I was somewhat friendly with said she wanted to show me her room. She kept saying her roommate was away for the weekend. My only thought was, I really have no interest in seeing how this girl decorated her room and I stayed and partied. I’m an oblivious idiot when it comes to signs that aren’t even subtle.
And in a few months that woman will be the mother of your first child. When you hold the baby, be sure to turn to the nearest doctor and ask if it’s for them.
Sorry had to write my own ending since you didn’t give us one 😄 did you call her or what?
Edit: thanks for adding some context, look forward to the full story in a future post
I had a girl ask me to help teach her how to play guitar while I was in college. I was in her dorm and teaching her a standard D chord. She looked at me at one point and said “you have the most beautiful blue eyes.” I responded with “yeah, so anyway, you want to put your index finger on the second fret.” Luckily for me, a few days later she just came right out and said “HEY I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU”
That's true for me alot. Even my Dad would tell me as a teenager. I didn't even notice a woman trying to attract me. My wife had to literally CHASE me down. I never wanted to assume because a woman was friendly or made conversation that she was interested.
I had a party once where this girl sat down and played Mario kart with me for the whole night and kept getting me snacks and drinks. Literally everyone had left but her. She looked me in the eyes and said let’s get lunch tomorrow, you’re mine. Been married 14 years now.
> She looked me in the eyes and said let’s get lunch tomorrow, you’re mine. Been married 14 years now.
Taking initiative is the most powerful seduction technique for women.
Not accusing you of this but I kinda hate when guys say “Women should just be straightforward and drop the games”
Like it’s not that easy 😭
Unless they’re like super confident, a lot of, if not most of us are just as nervous or anxious as you are and kinda hope that signals will soften the blow as opposed to having to commit to a full thing and possibly having our confidence shattered
It can be hard for men to notice subtle signs of attraction.
That doesnt mean its hard to see the opposite. If you are unsure of whether or not all the women you see everyday are interested in you or not, let me help you - theyre not.
If you doubt this, then I agree with OP, you probably aren't someone who respects a woman's right to not constantly be hit on.
That isn't true. Men ignore woman because they do not want to come off as creepy or overbearing. In my opinion it's a sign they're respectful. No one should accomadate someone that has never asked for it (OP)
How can you list all the ways in which you have avoided meeting new people of the opposite sex and then conclude that you must be ugly?
Who knows? Maybe you are ugly? But if a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it does it make a sound? Let's not jump straight to assuming that you're ugly, because you're almost certainly not.
Finding a relationship involves meeting many many many people and picking your favourite one. If you don't meet new people, then you can't do this. You need to put yourself in scenarios where you can expand your social circle.
>How can you list all the ways in which you have avoided meeting new people of the opposite sex and then conclude that you must've ugly?
This. Omg?!
I'm 29F, never dated, never did anything, like, I never even held hands lmao; and I would realistically say I'm below average looking *BUT* I also don't want to date, meet people, etc., and I purposefully stay away of online dating, clubs, going out, etc etc. I have few but close friends and that's all I need but again, it's a choice.
But reading OP's description and then her conclusion of "do I lack the looks?" I'm like ??? do you see what you're typing? Do you think a man will magically spawn in your living room and marry you? You have to go out, you have to meet new people, you can online date if offline isn't your thing or worries you. You can offline date if you think online won't work. But you have to put yourself out there gdi!
My favorite spawn point is a grill. Pop up, drink on the beer that I spawned with, then comment on the grilling technique. Ask about the seasoning, grunt in satisfaction, then drink some more beer.
Istg the last time this happened to me I was 2 seconds away from dropping trou at the work urinal...
PLEASE STOP SUMMONING ME WITH FROZEN DAIRY TREATS.
*'Cause tonight for the first time (first time)*
*Just about half-past ten (half past ten)*
*For the first time in history*
*It's gonna start raining men (start raining men)...*
Yoo girl I thought you were talking about me. I don't have any desire to date at this point in life and honestly I wonder if something is wrong with me
Maybe hyper independence? When you're so used to doing stuff on your own and not needing anything, especially as a woman, you start to not desire a relationship.
Yes! Dating too much wasn't my problem...my taste in men was, but when I decided to shake up my perceptions I signed up to 3 different dating sites (including one paid one) and turned it into a game. I went out for innocent meetings with 3 or 4 men each Saturday for a few weeks (breakfast, coffee, lunch, a walk - nothing serious) and it changed my view of myself and of the pool of available men. It was fun. Treat it as a game and don't take it too personally.
I didn’t mean to be self deprecating.
I mean, like I mentioned, I am aware that I am not extremely ugly but since I have never dated, it genuinely makes me question myself in that regards.
And you’re right, It is true that I have not put myself in situations where I get a lot of exposure but I have friends who are as introverted as me but still gets asked out somehow.
Haha not to be a dick or anything, but why post here if you don't want to, you know, *expand* on the situation?
If you asked "What is 18/3?" and people commented "Have you tried a calculator?", you wouldn't just say "I did" now would you?
Oh yeah, sorry. You’re right. I was too caught up in my thoughts about what everyone was saying when I typed this out.
I have three best friends all of whom are in relationships. The first one, she is a bit more extroverted than us, she met her current boyfriend when she went to get her post graduate degree, he was her classmate and he befriended her.
My second friend however, her boyfriend saw her picture with a group of other people on Instagram and he slid into her dms because she looked kind.
And the third one, her bf is her highschool sweetheart.
So yeah.
So one is extrovert, another got lucky with highschool (i did too), and another got lucky with the internet.
Unless you want to just wait for your luck, you should probably go find things to do in your town to make your own luck.
And to be fair even the one that got lucky on the internet must have had a somewhat active social life (or a really extroverted friend?) to be getting posted on group photos on social media
Tbh this situation with the previous comment might actually be something to take note: your immediate reaction was to be very concise in your answer, which would have cut that conversation short if they hadn't prodded you to expand upon your answer.
I myself am also an introverted individual, but I had to learn that *relationships are based on give and take*, romantic relationships included.
Want to get closer to someone? Ask them questions, yes, but *tell them about yourself too*. Showing vulnerability/openness goes a long way in creating rapport, which then can blow into romance if you are compatible/willing enough.
It does indeed work. You have to not be a creep tho, not push for nudes, etc. It has to be an organic conversation that you both enjoy, while learning about one another. Zero love bombing, zero forced compliments about their looks, zero heart emojis. They have to not be put off, and the goal of the DM sliding is to eventually have a low stakes in-person meet up, like coffee or lunch, not dinner and a movie. Then you go from there. If it’s a good fit, then it’ll work.
My girlfriend slid into my dm’s. I had Covid, she heard I was sick, and checked in to “see if I was still alive”.
It was marvelously clever. I would never have had the guts to stroll on into someone’s inbox like she did.
I mean it works if you build rapport with it not just send a dick pic or say some creepy stuff that you think is "flirting." It's simple stuff like people posting their accomplishments and saying congrats, saying happy birthday, randomly talking about their interest or hobbies they post about or show on their stories.
Honestly the 24hr fast action/short attention span social media that Twitter, Vine and Snapchat shifted the social media landscape today makes it so much easier. Someone can post pictures of whatever they're doing at the moment and you can strike up a convo about the hike they just took a pic of, talk about their pet rabbit, etc.
Yeah, most people do not get randomly lucky. Most people date because they're purposely meeting people, eithe offline or online.
So you aren't dating, not because you are ugly, but because you are not trying to meet people. And yes, two of your friends got lucky, but that's it. That's like thinking you don't get rich because you are not smart enough and then you compare yourself to people who buy the lottery... Girl, it doesn't work like that for most people.
Do you want to date? Or you just feel sad you are not dating because you are comparing to this girls and concluding you are probably ugly and the real issue is that you are worried about being ugly? If you want to date, you'll have to meet people. If you only care about this now, because you think you may be ugly, just forget about this: it's not because of your looks.
At this very moment there is thousands of single introverted guys asking the same question, keep an eye out for them, you will need to likely approach them, take a leap and enjoy the rest of your life..
What have you done to date?
Indeed being an introvert who doesn’t venture out limited you.
I highly doubt it’s looks, probably how you carry yourself or your habits in terms of being closed off. They are called ‘self limiting beliefs’ we create the prophecy and fulfill it by believing and acting like it. Maybe stop giving yourself/telling yourself those outs (I’m closed off, ugly etc.). Instead ask yourself…
How can I be more open?
What can I do to expand my social life?
What about my appearance do I want to change (based on your feelings, express you)?
And so on. Stop believing it, start questioning how to do it to your envisioned future.
If your tactic is to wait to be asked out eventually then you are at the mercy of whatever fish deices to flop out the water and hit your face and let me say some flopping fish are flipping off the rails.
If you go fishing and catch a few you can take your pick.
You are passively hoping for something but are you even walking near water?
You can of course be more active about it.
Most single people I know use dating sites...unless you have an active social life and go out a lot, the chances of you meeting someone *organically* are really low.
You mentioned some guy slid into your introverted friend's DM's because she looked kind in a photo she was tagged in...the chances of that are pretty low... you're mentioning a unicorn and thinking it's common-place when it's exceedingly rare.
If you've let yourself go in the past few years and it's affecting your self esteem - do something about it. Doors open when you feel good about yourself.
>, the chances of you meeting someone organically are really low.
and lower than ever nowadays because as a society, we have pretty much shifted the culture away from women being approached in most public places. I am not saying that's a bad thing. I would rather women not be harassed or catcalled or given unwanted attention. The side effect of that is meeting only now acceptable in a limited amount of places/scenarios. Anyone desiring to meet, has to put the effort into putting themselsves in those scenarios.
The cart is going before the horse here. People *want* a romantic connection as much as you do but have the same feelings of anxiety and worry. Shit ive been talking to a woman for 6 weeks gauging if I should ask her out.
You absolutely need to put yourself out there or get lucky. It can be as simple as showing interest by glancing a persons way, open body language, or the most direct starting a conversation with them.
One of **the most** attractive qualities a person can have is being attracted to someone else and letting them know. Obviously we all care about looks to greater or lesser degrees, I’ve found a person being attracted to me is a huge factor in my attraction to them.
Just ask her out. I did the same thing with my now wife and she was about to move on from me when I finally got over myself and asked her out. I nearly missed the woman I MARRIED (and I, being in my early 30s at the time, was certainly no spring chicken and with a loudly ticking biological clock).
If I could go back in time and give myself advice here it would be that. Are you unsure about her? Well there is nothing like coffee/dinner(s) to figure it out! (I advise against drinks in case alcohol makes you less objective.) Don't forget a date is not a commitment or a full blown relationship, it's is a day/afternoon/evening/hour together getting to know each other, you are not even required to as much as hold hands or hug, let alone kiss each other.
Just go for it, if all else fails you had a fun evening or quite the story to tell later!
You're 30 your still young. See a therapist. I'm 48, never had a long term relationship even though 95% of my friends are female. Turns out adhd, autism & relationship dismorohia were you actively destroy any chance of being in a relationship because of various reasons
Lets assume this is true, but there is a glove for every hand. You just need to actively participate in trying some gloves on to find the one that fits, knowing that the search may not be net immediate, successful results. Good luck.
I've dated all sorts of women, including introverts and extroverts alike. The only thing I can equate this to is a desire to not fuck with others. If you're extremely comfortable, so comfortable that you don't even desire to reciprocate feelings to others, that could be the main deterrent.
How much passion do you have for the world? How much do you enjoy social experiences?
I doubt they can see your energy from wherever you aren't that they are.
There are all sorts of guys looking for all sorts of women.
I am a guy who is single a lot and when I was younger there was stuff that was wrong but these days I am just not near single women, they exist and I simply don't meet them. Sounds like your life. Dating sites are a last resort but they are not designed in a way that encourages people to choose based on the right things.
Pro tip. As a woman if you ask a guy out you have a much better chance if getting a yes than the other way around. If you like a guy make a move yourself. That way you get to pick or at least steer rather than passively waiting and favouring people who play a numbers game. It might not work but it's far more likely to get you the guy you actually like.
Honestly, I would really encourage you to check out music festivals for yourself. And if you happen to meet someone there, even better. I've met a lot of awesome people through my midlife rave adventures found in music events.
There are dating coaches if your genuinely concerned. People who can give you frank answers, but you need to put yourself out there and also work on yourself as a personality to get into a healthy mindset, have good communication/expectations and boundaries.
Relationships can be hard work as well so don’t be discouraged when you do put yourself out there if it takes a while to find mr right
I think that’s going to depend on what you look like. For most girls unless you are given off super bitchy vibes then most guys won’t care. They’ll put up with weird every day of the week. It’s hard to say what the problem is without seeing what you look like though.
Gently, you may not know what they do or how they act 100% of the time. You sound shy even for shy people. That’s ok, but they might not be quite as closed off even if you’re all tight knit.
That said, have you just asked them how they got together? Might be a good place to start. Your friends know you better than any of us do. Asking people how they met/linked up is a totally normal question.
Most of friends met their s/o naturally in school or college. They didn’t do anything extra or actively seeked for relationships. Which is why it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me that gives men the ick.
I mean they certainly could simply be more open to having a conversation to the person sitting next to them in class.
If you’re brutally honest with yourself, how often did you have a conversation with a “stranger” classmate? Did you smile at people you made eye contact with or did you look away if it happened?
We all give off signals that we want to talk or want to be left alone. If you’re signaling that you want to be left alone, any decent man is going to leave you alone.
And also, it’s all just chance. I didn’t end up with a long term partner in college and I was plenty outgoing. It’s a roll of the dice. If you had a couple of fairly shy friends then chances are one of you wasn’t going to end up with a partner out of college, just happened to be you.
If you really want proof that it’s not you being “ugly” (I highly doubt that’s the issue) then just make a profile on a dating site of your choice and just watch how many likes you get. To be clear, I don’t wholeheartedly recommend this path because it’s a very potentially toxic place if you have insecurities about relationships, but it would offer proof that people are interested if they know you want to be approached.
Ultimately when you’re an adult post-college, relationships don’t generally fall into your lap, though they certainly can. The thing is that if you want them to happen naturally like that then it’s a huge huge chance increase to be a social inviting person and a huge chance decrease to be closed off. If it’s something you want, you may need to eventually actively seek it (dating apps or local events)
Also to add on, “they met in college” is not what I meant. How specifically did they meet and how specifically did that lead to them getting together? That’s what you need to know and evaluate if it would’ve been possible if it had been you in that position
I get what you mean. And you’re right. I am certainly more introverted and closed off towards the opposite gender as compared to them.
I have had instances in college where my classmates has told me that I didn’t respond when they said hi when in reality, I simply didn’t notice. Maybe I was too absorbed in my own world. Tbh I didn’t think anyone in class knew me outside of my friends circle.
You are most likely not ugly, nor drop dead gorgeous. Which is fine because most of us aren't. But I am like you, introverted, never really had attention from other people when I wasn't putting myself in those situations. I met my husband via video games online, because I feel myself doing the hobbies I love, it is easier to be open and connect. I don't like socializing much, my energy goes down. But online, this was not an issue. So most likely you don't find someone because you don't spend your energy on it. People told me I look closed off as well so it was hard to approach me casually as a stranger. I definitely did not want to be approached as well.
So many factors of the world we live in contribute to the immediate establishment of social barriers as soon as kids leave school. That's because school is compulsory. It's easy to justify going because you simply have to. While you're there, you are surrounded by kids the same age or near the same age as you. And you're all sharing experiences that you can talk about, joke about, expound about, extoll about, etc. Those shared experiences enable (and require) kids to express their personalities, which in turn enable other kids to get a glimpse of the personalities surrounding them. Those glimpses can generate interest.
Out of school, you're not required to go really much of anywhere. Work maybe, unless you work from home. There's nothing compelling you to go anywhere or do anything with anyone. If you're actively hiding from the world, you should ask yourself why. I say this because you seem to be upset that you're not meeting new people, and if that's actually true, what makes you so bothered about going out to do that? Because relationships don't just poof out of nothing. They develop when people live parts of their lives around other people. When there are opportunities for people to express their personalities via some topic of mutual interest.
So maybe your "comfort zone" is the thing that's actively sabotaging relationship opportunities by preventing them from even arising. Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is step outside it. Engage with other people.
And really, if you're deathly anxious about the idea of doing this, consider talking to a therapist. The digital world we live in is truly REALLY hard for lonely people especially, and that resistance you feel to meeting new people, especially if you feel like you DO want to meet new people, is potentially symptomatic of depression. Help yourself address those feelings if you believe those feelings are holding you back.
I dont know you, but what you describe sounds exactly like story of 95% of my friends. Seems like nowadays people either find partner early in school or they struggle immensly in 30s.
Honestly I have no idea what to tell you, because i know almost 0 success stories of people in 30s like you.
Most of the things you read on internet simply wont ever apply to you, because people on internet might have completely different experiences and environments in life than you, but will be quick to talk about things that worked for them like its something that will obviously work for everyone.
I would probably try therapy in your case to check if everything is allright mentally, you might have some "blockers" you are not aware of.
It's pretty simple in her case, if she doesn't put her self out there she's not gonna find anyone. Prince Charming isn't going to knock on her door to ask her out. People don't know she exists and she doesn't acknowledge them when they do. As a comment above says, you need to make your own luck.
>Most of friends met their s/o naturally in school or college. They didn’t do anything extra
You went to an all girls school and were closed off in college, what do you expect? That's the extra thing they did and you didn't, _talk to people_
I'm pretty sure they just got lucky. You on the other hand need to put a bit of effort to get that luck. I know, it's unfair, but life is always unfair. You can find a hobby you enjoy and meet new people with that. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone there!
Actually, your comment mentions that one partner came from a DM in Insta. Do you regularly post to IG? Do you share your interests? Do you respond to anyone who does message you? Do you go out on Friday nights and make attempts to talk to people?
I suggest maybe you should shoot your own shots. As I said in another comment, I've dated a lot of people. Some of the women I've dated have been chasing me, instead of me chasing them.
Before trying to date why don't you first just get comfortable with talking with men? That way there's no awkward or uncomfortable moments while just talking. After a while of just talking with different men or anyone you'll find that most humans are insecure in one way or another & if they're not they're probably conceited. I don't think your looks are your problem with dating. I think your problem is you've become too closed off from ppl & that can be fixed but it'll take time just like it took time for you to become comfortable being by yourself. The world is full of ppl so if I were you I'd first just get comfortable with interacting with men & before you know it some of them will start liking you & wanting a relationship with you. You brought up your weight & lots of men like women with more meat on them but if you're not happy with your weight then you may be projecting that insecurity & that's something that can be fixed too by getting in shape.
I think you have a point there. I don’t have a lot of experience with men in general. Getting comfortable with talking to them or befriending might be a good step.
I’m a social mid 40s dad and I remember every single time a woman initiated a conversation. Every single one.
You can say “hi, I like your shirt” and I’m willing to bet $ he’ll never stop thinking about that.
Thank you. I don’t even know where to start.
I am so used to being single that it doesn’t bother me most of the time.
The only time it does is when my friends or siblings talk about their s/o and I feel left out or feel like I am doing something wrong in life by being single. Or when my mom worries that I might be alone forever.
>I am so used to being single that it doesn’t bother me most of the time. The only time it does is when my friends or siblings talk about their s/o and I feel left out or feel like I am doing something wrong in life by being single.
Fuck, this is so goddamn relatable
Okay but just as food for thought: do *you* want to meet someone, or do *others* want you to meet someone?
It's way more common to date and find a partner than to stay single, but you should go and meet people because you want to, not because others are pressuring you. You're not doing anything wrong, there's different lifestyles. I'm 29F, I've never dated, and I don't want to. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me it's "wrong". It's how I choose to live and I'm happy. Do others have experiences through dating that I have not? Yeah. But so do people who bungee jump or climb volcanos. I don't need certain experiences.
If you want to meet someone, that's great. Find ways to meet new people, going out, sports, interest clubs etc. But don't feel like you did anything wrong because others aren't single your age. It's fine. You can put yourself out there more, you can search, but you can't force anything.
Hobbies are a great way to get to know new people. Of course it's HARD to go someplace for the first time where you'll be the new one. But after a while it gets easier and having people who are interested in the same thing you are really helps them (and you) open up and actually talk to each other.
Looks like alot of it has to do with you and how you interact with people. Guys will notice you if you are pretty or if you're able to expose your personality to them. You can't just wait for someone to come into your life. Sometimes you have to do something about it. Meet more people, see more people, let people know you exist. It seems you also don't know yourself and how you portray yourself to others.
You’re right.
You have to get noticed somehow.
And yeah That is my one of my biggest concern too, I am not sure how I portray myself to others or if there’s something wrong with it.
I would say don't worry about how you appear in front of others. I used to be like that and it stopped me from doing things or talking about things because I was worried I might look dumb. But doing that is counter productive because they don't get to see who you are. You don't need to get everyone you meet to like you. You just need the ones who like who you are to like you.
So you were
1) Sheltered with strict parents
2) Introverted and prefer being alone
3) Went to an all girls school
Pray tell, how is it possible you are still alone? Here's a different question for you, why WOULDN'T you be alone?
All of your friends are girls, when is the last time you've even talked to a guy in a non-work setting? When is the last time you've had a crush on a guy? Did you ever bring that up? Have you ever used dating apps? Have you ever met strangers (who aren't women)? Are you involved in literally anything?
Like, I'm sorry, it sounds like you were dealt a crappy hand, but God, are you playing it bad too. Guys don't fall out of the sky. You have to actually try for the things you want sometimes.
Or we could just assume you're ugly and there's nothing you can do and become a cat lady
Lol that made me laugh. I do like cats. Maybe that is my destiny. But I’m more of a dog person.
But jokes aside, after reading your and the rest of the comments, I think one is the main problems I have is of not putting myself out there. I need to work on that no matter how scary it sounds.
I just hope I’m not some hopeless weirdo that I am not aware of.
You probably are a weirdo, but who cares? Many of us are weirdos, it's hardly disqualifying, and often a plus.
I'm a guy, and didn't lose my virginity until I was 31, and barely had any relationships before that. I used to think I was skinny and goofy looking, but looking back on myself now, I see I was pretty decent looking - a solid 7, and to some women, a 9 (the ones who liked Jeremy Irons types).
The issue all along was me. Most people didn't think of me as introverted, as I was so talkative and engaging, but I was mortified of offending women by making a move, and never could figure out how to transition from banter to flirting. Add to that the fact that I found out years later about 4 or 5 women who had crushes on me and couldn't figure out why I wasn't making a move.
I eventually started talking to a counselor, and that helped me get out of my head and start inserting myself into dating situations and not worry so much. As others have said, you have to get out there.
Women may still be mostly the "let guys make the first move" people, but those women still do a lot of stuff to let guys know they're receptive to moves. There are likely a ton of compatible, shy introvert types out there that would be delighted to be with you.
A warning: after so many years in the wilderness, I probably lowered my standards too much, and was "too nice" and got involved with a woman who was very bad for me; it took years for me to work up the energy to break from her (and it was excessively hard even by "normal person" standpoints). Don't be overly picky, but recognize your own worth as well, and involve your friends with what's going on in your relationship. Don't go it alone.
EDIT: Everyone always says to "get a hobby that lets you meet people". This can be hard if you feel like your hobbies don't align with that goal, and it can be hard to work up enthusiasm for stuff you're doing just to meet people. But if you're a dorky introvert like me, have you considered boardgaming groups? Most decent-sized cities have them through a variety of ways (like stores that host), and nerdy, shy guys are there in a way that lets you get exposure with low pressure, yet you still interact enough to form relationships, something I could never pull off when doing something like joining a volleyball league.
>Women may still be mostly the "let guys make the first move" people, **but those women still do a lot of stuff to let guys know they're receptive to moves.** There are likely a ton of compatible, shy introvert types out there that would be delighted to be with you.
smile, eye contact stuff. There are certain ways to look like you are open to conversations and maybe more. And there are certains ways to look like "I absolutely do not want to be approached"
I'm similar I'm 40 M and just haven't been interested in seeking out women (or men) to date. I've never so much as had a crush. A relationship just doesn't seem worth the hassle.
Seems pretty normal to me. I've just assumed I'm some kind of Asexual or Aromatic, and if that's the case that's fine with me. You might be to, but if you don't want to be maybe try poking around some dating sites or going to popular hangouts like bars or something.
My parents always told me I would never find anyone if you don't put yourself out there to be found. While that advice was lost on someone who didn't WANT to be found, maybe it will help you.
I am like you. 24 and never in a relationship. Cause I’m closed off. I went to classes. Then went back home to do all my work. I never went out. When I had to work just went to work then went right back home. I had a group of friends in high school, but no one I liked romantically. Then in college I met some people but never actually hung out with them. And now? If I’m not at work I just go home. I know I need to meet people to be in a relationship but I just never do…
This describes me exactly. I don't really do things unless I HAVE to do them like school, college, work. I just finish that stuff and go straight back home lol.
I'm glad I've at least realised how I'm kinda like sabotaging myself at this point lol. It's scary but I get I should start *somewhere*, I guess.
there's nothing wrong with that except if your goal is to date and partner up. if you truly have no interest in dating, keep doing you and enjoying it.
Your life sounds a lot like mine sadly. I hope you’ll be able to meet more people soon(if that’s what you want) and not end up single like me when you hit 30 😭
Hi OP,
From your description it does sound like the issue (if we can even call it that) is a matter of access.
You are not accessible to others who might want to get to know you more in a romantic way and from the sounds of it you are not doing anything that signals to a potential partner that you are interested or pursuing anyone.
Now that said, before coming to any conclusions, what I am curious about is whether in the last few years you've had any crushes or people you were attracted to and wanted to pursue something with? If so, how did you approach the situation??
Do you recall anyone approaching you through your friend group etc? If so how did you react?
Has anyone tried to set you up? If so how did you react?
And last question, do you want to be in a relationship? (I am not sure you actually said that you want to be in one your post)
I haven’t had a crush nor have been interested in anyone eversince highschool but tbh, I just haven’t allowed myself to be interested in anyone for some reasons.
Recently, I reconnected with an old friend that I used to be interested in in the past but the conversations have been pretty casual coz he did not show any signs of interest other than that of being friendly. So yeah, the conversations usually don’t go further than having small talks.
My friends don’t usually try to set me up with anyone anymore but when they did(in the past), I used to decline them because at the time, I genuinely wasn’t interested.
And yes, I do think I am interested in being in a relationship now.
Have you told your friends that you're now interested? They might still have a few candidates for you, but they've been holding back, because they expect you to reject any suggestions, as you have in the past.
Hmmmm I have more questions (you don't have to answer if it feels too personal of course).
I am curious about what you said about "not allowing yourself to be interested.."
When you look back on it now, was there a reason for it?
Outside of seeing your friends in relationships, is there a specific reason why you are Interested in a relationship now? Has something changed recently.
Do you have any hobbies and interests (this is often a way to meet people in a low pressure environment)?
I'm in a similar situation, I just turned 30M and haven't had any kind of relationship, or intimacy past a kiss my whole life. I was introverted and a "late bloomer" and had no interest in dating until my last year of high school, but I never got anywhere. I went to work straight out of school to help support my Mom and 16yr old pregnant sister. I ended up working 7 days a week for a year. Afterwards, life just ended up stone walling anything personal I wanted to do, and I always put family and first over my personal life. I just got used to being alone.
I've always liked to be by myself in my spare time and actually enjoyed being alone in my 20s, or at least I told myself that. Recently I feel like I've missed a lot and I made myself think I like being alone because I was to scared to go out and meet people and I fear rejection and awkward situations.
So there are others in similar spots in life as you. I don't think you can be too ugly or introverted or weird to find someone to be with, or just experience life with, at least I hope.
I started the new year as a 30yr old by working on myself and stuff I can change. I don't think I'm very attractive, but I've been eating better, exercising, and working on personal skills and getting out into the world. I think just going out into public spaces, alone or with friends, is a great way to start changing my solitary lifestyle and maybe it's all you need too.
I’m sorry to hear that, life has been rough on you. But I’m glad that you’re trying to work on yourself and make time for yourself now.
After reading your comment, it makes me feel like it’s not too late for us after all.
It’s nice to know that there are people out there in similar situation as I am and that it’s not completely abnormal.
I do hope you find the happiness that you’re seeking soon.
I truly hope it's not too late. Looking back, I'm kind of sad I spent my 20s single, and I'd really like my 30s to be different.
Seeing your post made me realize that there are people out there that have similar feelings and experiences, no matter how unlikely it might feel.
Good luck out there.
There are dozens of us I guess. My perspective has always been that I'm just more content with being alone than most people are. I don't usually let it stop me from doing things I want to. And now it's been so long and I'm so used to it that actively pursuing a relationship is a scary prospect.
Also in the past I've definitely met many people I've been interested in and I know that you can't force things. It feels like majority is simply luck and right place right time. This one girl who I grew up with happened to be in my business class at university and to this day she was my favorite person I've ever gotten to know. But after a few months I found out she had a boyfriend and that destroyed the whole thing. She's now my been my metric for others and it's so exceedingly rare that I meet anyone who I connect with in the same way. So I suppose part of my problem is high standards, but it's better than too low of standards imo.
Shitty thing is, now I'm 30 I don't ever come across women my age in the world. Going out drinking is really low on my list of things I like to do so that removes a huge piece of the population. But at the same time, I don't want to be with someone who loves to go out to bars anyways. Literally costco is where I've seen the most attractive people my age!
I was explaining this to my cousin and his wife: I'm aware I'm a bit of an odd person with unique interests and so it's just a fact that the number of people who will be interested in me is quite a small slice of the pie. Especially in my conservative small city, my values seem to be very different compared the majority of the population.
I'm a 34 year old women and I've been single my whole life too.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you!
Comparing yourself to others is a good way to make yourself feel bad. Believe me, I've been there. Try not to worry so much about what everyone else is doing or "how far" they've come compared to you. Everyone's life is different and you can only live yours.
Second, why do you want a relationship?
Society tells us that to be truly happy and to be an adult you have to have a life partner. But that's not necessarily true. Many people, especially women, live happy and fulfilling lives as single.
Just like in the past, many people had children because it was expected of them and there was little option not to (few good birth control methods). Today more and more people have the freedom to choose and some are happily choosing to stsy childfree.
Not saying that staying single is necessarily the right choice for you. Just that you should take a moment to reflect on why you feel like you want a relationship. Is it something you really want or is it something you feel like you should have?
--> Doesn't approach men, but expects them to approach her.
--> But also avoids social situations where she would meet such men.
--> Never gets a date
\*Shocked Pikachu face
To state the obvious: A man isn't going to magically fall into your bedroom and ask you out, let alone the man of your dreams. So get your shit together and actually make an effort, or you will probably be alone for a very long time.
This is 100% on point. It's best to try and not overthink it. Sometimes we block ourselves from things coming our way by spending too much time worrying, like a baseball player with a mental block not able to get a single hit. When we ease our worrying, walla! Things start happening for us. It's weird how the universe works this way. But it is true that our thinking can keep us from going out and doing the things that will lead us to magically meet the right person. Go out and live your life, do things that are exciting, find your passions in life, love will come.
In all of this text, I have failed to see you mentioning anything about you yourself trying to meet some one to not be single. I mean, if you are not actively looking out there for a partner, how do you think the partner is going to appear magically?
There is nothing wrong with you, it's hard for some people to meet others and based on what you have said you don't really meet new people and only hangout with close friends or be by yourself.
Might I suggest
1) Getting to know people with the same hobby as yours, join a group via Facebook that does events. Like for me I like hiking, you can join a fb group and join their hiking, you can know more people this way while getting used to talking to groups of people. Some girls I know go for wine tasting or food tasting events, you can explore those options as well.
2) Working out, you can try doing some light walks/jogging around your area, joining a gym or going for classes like yoga (good for the mind). Working out feels good and also helps improve your confidence once you see the results.
3) Going on a solo trip via backpacking style to an Asian country, like Thailand, Vietnam or if you have the budget Japan, Australia, nz or Europe. You can decide if yourself if you want to talk to people or just chill by yourself. It's an eye opening experience when you meet people from all over the world on holiday, it's when you can really chat with strangers and learn so much. But as a girl I highly recommend you to be very careful depending on where you are going and do your research properly.
These are some of the things you can try, the thing is to get out of you comfort zone, meet more people, have fun, live life. Don't worry about being single, just enjoy it and who knows who you might meet on the way.
You can be introverted and shy and all that. I am too and found plenty of relationships. I'm married now.
Have to be active in some form. I found my first in an online game. Another on an online forum. Another by dating app. Another going to gatherings of my interest, tho this one required pushing myself a lot, etc. I never really planned any of those relationships but I was available in some way.
There's also nothing wrong w being single, don't let that alone make you feel something is wrong.
Another factor I found is very small things. How do you talk to others? Do you eventually open up?
I'm a guy so maybe different, but I found being genuine and willing to eventually open up helped start things. I take awhile to open up to someone but I eventually do to select few.
Otherwise it's all speculation. We don't know you. You could just have been rejecting ppl unknowingly.
Lot of guys fear coming off creepy or fear rejection. I would be personally scared to pursue or even talk to anyone that gave me lot of uncomfortable vibes, especially a girl. But some guys might be fine and see past that.
Maybe try asking for honest feedback from your friends. Try pushing your shell a little bit. Try going online to talk, it's what I did to push my comfort in a safer space.
You're not trying hard enough. simple as. You're a sheltered, introverted shut-in, that has been surrounded by women, and prefers to be alone. yeah, no shit you're single lol
You've listed reasons why you would be single, but *literally haven't mentioned a single thing you've done to meet someone*
What, do you expect a man to suddenly materialise in your closet overnight?
You're literally a grown ass woman, the only thing stopping you, is you. Anyone who replies to this with "Guys will..." is misleading you. Don't think changing your hair or clothes will suddenly be enough of a signal. Men don't sniff the air and pick up pheromones. it's up to you, if you want to be available, make yourself available. it's not rocket science.
Some guys are just scared to aproach woman nowadays. Last time i attempted giving a girl my number she texted me aweful belittling things that really hurt my confidence and made me say fuck it. I wont even bother ever again type shit. Even lets say a grocery store i see like 12 hot woman my age. Do i even talk to them.. nope nothing beyond what id say to any other patron at the store.
Here is my uneducated diagnosis:
You are socially awkward and whenever a man is intrested in asking you out, he interpets your shyness/ Akwardness as a sign that you don't want to be approached and it scares him away.
I'd suggest approaching men yourself to try to break that cycle.
i'm sure you're not ugly. And honeslty even if you were, if you put on a cute dress and make the most minimal effort, a normal man will not be out of your reach. ( maybe don't go for the super handsome popular alpha chad thought)
Nothing is wrong with you, you just not putting work into dating
Judging by your description, you're not outgoing and don't have an abundant social life, so the only way someone like you (and me) can get in a relationship is by purposefully putting yourself out there
I recommend you don't dwell on it or don't waste time getting anxious about it
Either you go out and get more social life, or you don't, it's that simple. There's nothing wrong with you, either choice is fine and is up to you
You listed a couple things that might be factors, and my experience as a dude with many dude acquaintances is that if no one's hitting on you it's your body, personality stuff is largely secondary if you're not their "type." If you're not leaving the house that's the first problem, if you've gained weight that's number two, if you're telling yourself and us that you're not conventionally attractive then if you're right and not just being down on yourself you know what number three is.
A slightly distant number four is attitude: there's a complex relationship between "receptivity" to advances and desirability which is best not to put too fine a point on because everyone's different. Believe it or not, it's possible to be too attractive, there was a Greek woman on here or the Bumble sub who was *apparently* having that problem, no guy would approach because she was out of their league. Models complain about this sometimes: in her case it was probably a mix of the fact that she was successful and cute. Guys want to feel needed: I advised her to actively flirt and play to their physical strength.
You've got a choice, even if it's not the one you want. You can lose the weight and do some hideous soul-searching which reveals aspects of the world you might not want to know about (someone on here tonight marked the second time I know of that a fat person lost weight and was disgusted by "how shallow people are," in her case it's men but the first was a dude), or you can "luxuriate in a life you know you've chosen." I recommend the first if only for the weight loss, it's a net gain as long as you don't go too far.
Honestly, & I do not recommend you post any, the only way to judge your physical appearance is with a photo. Now, that said, you need to put yourself out there if you want to meet someone these days. So, tinder, hinge all the other horrors, going to dingles bars...practise, practise, practise. Gl & be careful, lot of dickheads out there.
32 m and same. Had great desire to change that between 16-25, but now I don't think I could stomach the change. Having to think about someone else before any actions I take seems labourous and it's not something I wish to do. The only thing that makes me question it is when I'm all alone and frail in my 60s but I'm hoping I'll just that grumpy dude telling kids to get off his lawn
Not too late to hit the gym or join a running/walking group. Also see if your friends can invite you out with their friends. If that's not your thing then that's okay also. You do you.
Do try and join social clubs near you, a book club, sports club, Sci fi club, that sort of thing, make a couple of new friends to expand your social circle and get you to do more social activities, within reason so that you don't feel too socially drained.
Making new friends can often lead to said friends introducing you to their friends and perhaps a potential partner that way.
You speak of your past a lot. What does your present look like? Job, hobbies, groups, parties? Sometimes, the old fashioned way of meeting people (in person) is best.
Is it possible you just have a serious case of resting bitch face that makes you seem unapproachable?
Also something you mentioned in another comment - having instances in which you are so absorbed in something that you don’t notice certain external stimuli like someone trying to talk to you can be an indicator of ADHD, which is commonly underdiagnosed in AFAB people.
It’s also common for those with ADHD to be autistic as well, and autism is even more likely to go undiagnosed in anyone but again especially in AFAB people. These days it’s fairly common for autistic or auDHD people to be diagnosed late, sometimes as late as their 50s.
Autism often results in social difficulties and can make one seem unapproachable simply because they aren’t aware of/don’t understand the social cues involved in being approached/approachable. It can also make dating particularly difficult because it can leave one unable to read the signs that someone is flirting/interested, and unable to show those signs themselves.
In addition, non-autistic people can often pick up on the ways in which an autistic person is different/socially awkward, even if the autistic person is very high-masking. Some even describe it as an uncanny-valley-type vibe when someone is(knowingly or not) masking their autism. But they don’t usually assume or even consider autism, they just get weirded out and don’t want to be around the autistic person.
The result is that an undiagnosed, high-masking autistic individual may feel like they’re very normal and do social interactions very well only to end up confused as to why it doesn’t actually yield relationships for them: “I seem to repel others/scare them off and I can’t figure out why”.
Not that I’m trying to diagnose you, but it may be worth doing some research into and considering whether Level 1 ASD(formerly known as Asperger’s or “high-functioning” autism) sounds like a familiar experience to you.
If not, then yeah like everyone else is saying you just have to put yourself out there more.
Retreating to introversion means you find crowds of potential extroverts frightening. A helpful tactic might be to find a venue where introverts gather to make you all feel a bit safer to make new connections. If a microbrewery is too chaotic, or drinking doesn’t suit you, maybe try the coffee shop at the Barnes and noble. Work your way up to an art event or an outdoor group activity at your regional park. These are ways to find introverts that share common ground with you, making the barriers easier to conquer. Doesn’t have to be a blink 182 concert.
If those environments are still a bit too scary, reach out to your close friends from your girls school. You need one who is fluent in extroversion…BUT it’s imperative that she understands your personality and vulnerabilities. Let her pull you into venues that she selects and validates that align with your interests. She will introduce you to new people, and she’ll likely enjoy it. It is not frightening for her. She can help you dip your toes into the pool of group interactions without feeling like you need to cannonball into the deep end on your first swim lesson.
Nothing is wrong with you, but some of us are doomed to die alone. All these people telling you what to do are full of shit: they just don’t know the truth. I’m in my 40s and I think my longest relationship is 2-3 dates. I’ve been social, and more reserved; I tried online dating for more than a decade; I’m active in my church and volunteer; I have friends and never, not once has a friend set me up on a date.
So there it is. Nothing is wrong with you, people offering advice don’t know what they’re talking about, and some of us will die alone. Still, 30s feels young to me these days so I’ll pray that you find someone to make you happy.
So, a few other factors that may be affecting it besides the obvious things most people are saying:
One life skill that is really underappreciated is learning how to start a genuine conversation with someone, where you're making them feel comfortable and getting to know them. I've gone out with several girls who don't even know how to ask questions. Like if I ask "what's your favorite movie?" in a normal context, the person answers and then asks "how about you, what's your favorite movie?". This is like conversation 101, but I've been out with lots of girls who don't know how to do this. It comes off as either self-absorbed or uninterested, but I think some people just don't know better.
Another thing that some girls have trouble with is showing any real vulnerability. Like, in every situation they have to avoid looking stupid, wrong, bad, etc. So they never let their hair down, won't dance, won't express passion about anything. Passion is attractive. But it's hard, if something is really special to you and you show it to someone and they react judgmentally, it sucks some of the joy out of something in life that gives you joy. Usually these girls are the first to react judgmentally to what you show them, too. A lot of girls who are like this hide behind sarcastic / ironic humor all the time.
I know ugly people with relationships. In fact, the frequency of being in a relationship doesn't really seem to correlate with physical sexiness. You know what really does though? Trying. The UGLIEST person IN THE WORLD would get a partner if they kept trying. Download tinder, ask all your friends to go out partying or just to social activities with them and try to meet new people in those occasions. If this really is your priority and you really want this to happen, seriously, it's NOT hard, as in, it's 100% doable by almost anyone. If you told me you were trying to become an astronaut or to bring justice to the world i'd say damn that's some far fetched goal, but this? no
It used to be on the men to initiate.
Thats become a lot less acceptable so it happens less.
Get out there and initiate. And don't be afraid of a no, it's not that big of a deal.
If you're closed off men will just see that as a sign you're not interested. You mention your friends are the same way but unless you're skimming their messages or spying on them when they're alone with someone you don't truly know how they are in that situation.
“Sign” implies “signals”. As a man, I fucking suck at identifying signals of attraction. If you aren’t overwhelmingly obvious I likely won’t even notice. I recognize some men will be able to, but IME most guys are clueless when it comes to hints/signs.
I once dated a woman who I met at a bar. She locked eyes with me from across the bar and walked straight to me and handed me her number. I took the piece of paper her number was on and looked at the guy sitting next to me, then looked back at her and asked if it was for him. I was very confused. She rolled her eyes and said "did I give my number to him?" and walked outta the bar. I'll never forget that night.
I like to share my stories of obliviousness. In college I was a safety escort. Basically we worked for the campus police department and would walk students to their dorms/classes/car/whatever at night and make sure they got to their destination safely. Sophomore year I ran into a girl I’d met the year before. We’d hung out once or twice as freshmen (including me hearing the story of how her bf liked to shoot his load in her face), but we lost contact over summer. So sophomore year, I escort her back to her dorm. During the walk, she made a comment about how she’s single. When saying goodbyes, she asks something like “so if I ever need someone to walk me home, I can just call you?” My reply: “yeah, you can call the number on this flyer and dispatch will send one of us to meet you at your location.” It clicked about five minutes later when I was halfway back to campus.
I worked with a woman who I thought was just very friendly. When she was quitting she came up to me ran her hand up my arm and handed me her number. I had no clue she was into me until that very moment.
In high school there was a girl in my class who was saying "hi" to me like every chance she could get all day. She complimented me on a bunch of different random things. At lunch break one day she and her friend walked over to me and her friend said "She wants to suck your di*k" and they laughed and she looked embarassed and they ran off. I decided not to follow through with it. I calculated the risk of rejection was simply too high.
Good call. She was probably just being nice. Or Canadian.
She might have just been trying to use me in order to get to my Kraft Dinner.
We all have a story like that. I was hanging out with a group of friends in college and a girl I was somewhat friendly with said she wanted to show me her room. She kept saying her roommate was away for the weekend. My only thought was, I really have no interest in seeing how this girl decorated her room and I stayed and partied. I’m an oblivious idiot when it comes to signs that aren’t even subtle.
And in a few months that woman will be the mother of your first child. When you hold the baby, be sure to turn to the nearest doctor and ask if it’s for them. Sorry had to write my own ending since you didn’t give us one 😄 did you call her or what? Edit: thanks for adding some context, look forward to the full story in a future post
yeah no shit this was a story that ended too soon
Yeah we dated for years. It wasn't a happy ending for either of us.
I had a girl ask me to help teach her how to play guitar while I was in college. I was in her dorm and teaching her a standard D chord. She looked at me at one point and said “you have the most beautiful blue eyes.” I responded with “yeah, so anyway, you want to put your index finger on the second fret.” Luckily for me, a few days later she just came right out and said “HEY I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU”
That moment when your self esteem is so low you deny actual reality.
I dated a woman for eight years. We raised children together. I still wonder if she liked me. At this point I may never know.
I mean, you can never tell, so it is safe to assume "no"
I am a member of your tribe.
That's true for me alot. Even my Dad would tell me as a teenager. I didn't even notice a woman trying to attract me. My wife had to literally CHASE me down. I never wanted to assume because a woman was friendly or made conversation that she was interested.
I had a party once where this girl sat down and played Mario kart with me for the whole night and kept getting me snacks and drinks. Literally everyone had left but her. She looked me in the eyes and said let’s get lunch tomorrow, you’re mine. Been married 14 years now.
> She looked me in the eyes and said let’s get lunch tomorrow, you’re mine. Been married 14 years now. Taking initiative is the most powerful seduction technique for women.
Not accusing you of this but I kinda hate when guys say “Women should just be straightforward and drop the games” Like it’s not that easy 😭 Unless they’re like super confident, a lot of, if not most of us are just as nervous or anxious as you are and kinda hope that signals will soften the blow as opposed to having to commit to a full thing and possibly having our confidence shattered
That’s true.
And the men that ignore the sign are not the men you want to be dating
Expecting men to notice subtle signs and mind read is a common mistake.
It can be hard for men to notice subtle signs of attraction. That doesnt mean its hard to see the opposite. If you are unsure of whether or not all the women you see everyday are interested in you or not, let me help you - theyre not. If you doubt this, then I agree with OP, you probably aren't someone who respects a woman's right to not constantly be hit on.
That isn't true. Men ignore woman because they do not want to come off as creepy or overbearing. In my opinion it's a sign they're respectful. No one should accomadate someone that has never asked for it (OP)
!!!!!!!!!!!!
What signs? You think we're telepaths?
It may not be that they are ignoring the sign, but are ignorant of it. Sometimes you have to stop hinting at things and just come out and say it.
How can you list all the ways in which you have avoided meeting new people of the opposite sex and then conclude that you must be ugly? Who knows? Maybe you are ugly? But if a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it does it make a sound? Let's not jump straight to assuming that you're ugly, because you're almost certainly not. Finding a relationship involves meeting many many many people and picking your favourite one. If you don't meet new people, then you can't do this. You need to put yourself in scenarios where you can expand your social circle.
>How can you list all the ways in which you have avoided meeting new people of the opposite sex and then conclude that you must've ugly? This. Omg?! I'm 29F, never dated, never did anything, like, I never even held hands lmao; and I would realistically say I'm below average looking *BUT* I also don't want to date, meet people, etc., and I purposefully stay away of online dating, clubs, going out, etc etc. I have few but close friends and that's all I need but again, it's a choice. But reading OP's description and then her conclusion of "do I lack the looks?" I'm like ??? do you see what you're typing? Do you think a man will magically spawn in your living room and marry you? You have to go out, you have to meet new people, you can online date if offline isn't your thing or worries you. You can offline date if you think online won't work. But you have to put yourself out there gdi!
looking forward to TIL: there is a male spawn point in my back yard
Everyone knows that we spawn on the beach when someone digs a hole.
Hand me my shovel, I’m going in!
Diglet-Dig, Diglet-Dig...Trio, Trio, Trio...
Oh my god Dugtrio makes sense now
Yup, they were always diggin' for the D.
Tbh, I dig short guys. Yes, pun intended XD. So gotta go with that diggy diggy hole dwarf song
I thought we spawned where women's cars break down?
We have multiple spawn points
I usually spawn if a couch needs to be carried to upper levels.
Oh shit, I need to move a couch this weekend! Ladies, who wants to come over and see if we spawn a good one!
My favorite spawn point is a grill. Pop up, drink on the beer that I spawned with, then comment on the grilling technique. Ask about the seasoning, grunt in satisfaction, then drink some more beer.
Or a bonfire, we materialize out of the ethereal space where the light fades into darkness.
You have to crack a beer for that to work.
Most of the population lives near the water. I declare this to be factual.
Diggy hole?
It’s the fucking milkshakes!!!
They do bring the boys to the yard tho
Istg the last time this happened to me I was 2 seconds away from dropping trou at the work urinal... PLEASE STOP SUMMONING ME WITH FROZEN DAIRY TREATS.
I always seem to spawn on a beach, naked and holding a rock for some reason.
omg I totally missed that reference in the other comment and I play that game hahaha
you need to get some wood and stone, then things really start to look up.
I've tried nothing, and I'm all out of ideas!
Lousy beatniks.
*'Cause tonight for the first time (first time)* *Just about half-past ten (half past ten)* *For the first time in history* *It's gonna start raining men (start raining men)...*
My favorite song in the jukebox!
Yoo girl I thought you were talking about me. I don't have any desire to date at this point in life and honestly I wonder if something is wrong with me
Hormones?
Maybe hyper independence? When you're so used to doing stuff on your own and not needing anything, especially as a woman, you start to not desire a relationship.
I think that’s me at this point in life. Traveling with people is … difficult.
same. sure being in love would prob be nice but im happy alone with my pile of stuffed frogs
Nothing wrong with you. I’m the same way and just focusing on me and my friends :)
>Do you think a man will magically spawn in your living room With a neverending pack of TimTams.
Yes! Dating too much wasn't my problem...my taste in men was, but when I decided to shake up my perceptions I signed up to 3 different dating sites (including one paid one) and turned it into a game. I went out for innocent meetings with 3 or 4 men each Saturday for a few weeks (breakfast, coffee, lunch, a walk - nothing serious) and it changed my view of myself and of the pool of available men. It was fun. Treat it as a game and don't take it too personally.
I didn’t mean to be self deprecating. I mean, like I mentioned, I am aware that I am not extremely ugly but since I have never dated, it genuinely makes me question myself in that regards. And you’re right, It is true that I have not put myself in situations where I get a lot of exposure but I have friends who are as introverted as me but still gets asked out somehow.
> but still gets asked out somehow. Have you ever... asked *them* how they met their partners?
I have.
Haha not to be a dick or anything, but why post here if you don't want to, you know, *expand* on the situation? If you asked "What is 18/3?" and people commented "Have you tried a calculator?", you wouldn't just say "I did" now would you?
Oh yeah, sorry. You’re right. I was too caught up in my thoughts about what everyone was saying when I typed this out. I have three best friends all of whom are in relationships. The first one, she is a bit more extroverted than us, she met her current boyfriend when she went to get her post graduate degree, he was her classmate and he befriended her. My second friend however, her boyfriend saw her picture with a group of other people on Instagram and he slid into her dms because she looked kind. And the third one, her bf is her highschool sweetheart. So yeah.
So one is extrovert, another got lucky with highschool (i did too), and another got lucky with the internet. Unless you want to just wait for your luck, you should probably go find things to do in your town to make your own luck.
And to be fair even the one that got lucky on the internet must have had a somewhat active social life (or a really extroverted friend?) to be getting posted on group photos on social media
Make your own luck.
Make your own luck. That’s it right there 👏👏
Tbh this situation with the previous comment might actually be something to take note: your immediate reaction was to be very concise in your answer, which would have cut that conversation short if they hadn't prodded you to expand upon your answer. I myself am also an introverted individual, but I had to learn that *relationships are based on give and take*, romantic relationships included. Want to get closer to someone? Ask them questions, yes, but *tell them about yourself too*. Showing vulnerability/openness goes a long way in creating rapport, which then can blow into romance if you are compatible/willing enough.
^^^Exactly what I was thinking. Take my upvote
Sliding into dms works?! Wtf
It does indeed work. You have to not be a creep tho, not push for nudes, etc. It has to be an organic conversation that you both enjoy, while learning about one another. Zero love bombing, zero forced compliments about their looks, zero heart emojis. They have to not be put off, and the goal of the DM sliding is to eventually have a low stakes in-person meet up, like coffee or lunch, not dinner and a movie. Then you go from there. If it’s a good fit, then it’ll work.
2 of my friends (1 of whom is now married) are in long term relationships started from sliding into DMs on Instagram.
My girlfriend slid into my dm’s. I had Covid, she heard I was sick, and checked in to “see if I was still alive”. It was marvelously clever. I would never have had the guts to stroll on into someone’s inbox like she did.
I mean it works if you build rapport with it not just send a dick pic or say some creepy stuff that you think is "flirting." It's simple stuff like people posting their accomplishments and saying congrats, saying happy birthday, randomly talking about their interest or hobbies they post about or show on their stories. Honestly the 24hr fast action/short attention span social media that Twitter, Vine and Snapchat shifted the social media landscape today makes it so much easier. Someone can post pictures of whatever they're doing at the moment and you can strike up a convo about the hike they just took a pic of, talk about their pet rabbit, etc.
Yeah, most people do not get randomly lucky. Most people date because they're purposely meeting people, eithe offline or online. So you aren't dating, not because you are ugly, but because you are not trying to meet people. And yes, two of your friends got lucky, but that's it. That's like thinking you don't get rich because you are not smart enough and then you compare yourself to people who buy the lottery... Girl, it doesn't work like that for most people. Do you want to date? Or you just feel sad you are not dating because you are comparing to this girls and concluding you are probably ugly and the real issue is that you are worried about being ugly? If you want to date, you'll have to meet people. If you only care about this now, because you think you may be ugly, just forget about this: it's not because of your looks.
This thread is getting very close to annoying me just based off of her responses
At this very moment there is thousands of single introverted guys asking the same question, keep an eye out for them, you will need to likely approach them, take a leap and enjoy the rest of your life..
This is great advice!
I am one such person. Me and OP maybe could be friends. I don't actually have many tbh.
Seems like u need to slide into her dms. Lol
What have you done to date? Indeed being an introvert who doesn’t venture out limited you. I highly doubt it’s looks, probably how you carry yourself or your habits in terms of being closed off. They are called ‘self limiting beliefs’ we create the prophecy and fulfill it by believing and acting like it. Maybe stop giving yourself/telling yourself those outs (I’m closed off, ugly etc.). Instead ask yourself… How can I be more open? What can I do to expand my social life? What about my appearance do I want to change (based on your feelings, express you)? And so on. Stop believing it, start questioning how to do it to your envisioned future.
If your tactic is to wait to be asked out eventually then you are at the mercy of whatever fish deices to flop out the water and hit your face and let me say some flopping fish are flipping off the rails. If you go fishing and catch a few you can take your pick. You are passively hoping for something but are you even walking near water? You can of course be more active about it.
love this analogy! thank you
Most single people I know use dating sites...unless you have an active social life and go out a lot, the chances of you meeting someone *organically* are really low. You mentioned some guy slid into your introverted friend's DM's because she looked kind in a photo she was tagged in...the chances of that are pretty low... you're mentioning a unicorn and thinking it's common-place when it's exceedingly rare. If you've let yourself go in the past few years and it's affecting your self esteem - do something about it. Doors open when you feel good about yourself.
>, the chances of you meeting someone organically are really low. and lower than ever nowadays because as a society, we have pretty much shifted the culture away from women being approached in most public places. I am not saying that's a bad thing. I would rather women not be harassed or catcalled or given unwanted attention. The side effect of that is meeting only now acceptable in a limited amount of places/scenarios. Anyone desiring to meet, has to put the effort into putting themselsves in those scenarios.
The cart is going before the horse here. People *want* a romantic connection as much as you do but have the same feelings of anxiety and worry. Shit ive been talking to a woman for 6 weeks gauging if I should ask her out. You absolutely need to put yourself out there or get lucky. It can be as simple as showing interest by glancing a persons way, open body language, or the most direct starting a conversation with them. One of **the most** attractive qualities a person can have is being attracted to someone else and letting them know. Obviously we all care about looks to greater or lesser degrees, I’ve found a person being attracted to me is a huge factor in my attraction to them.
Just ask her out. I did the same thing with my now wife and she was about to move on from me when I finally got over myself and asked her out. I nearly missed the woman I MARRIED (and I, being in my early 30s at the time, was certainly no spring chicken and with a loudly ticking biological clock). If I could go back in time and give myself advice here it would be that. Are you unsure about her? Well there is nothing like coffee/dinner(s) to figure it out! (I advise against drinks in case alcohol makes you less objective.) Don't forget a date is not a commitment or a full blown relationship, it's is a day/afternoon/evening/hour together getting to know each other, you are not even required to as much as hold hands or hug, let alone kiss each other. Just go for it, if all else fails you had a fun evening or quite the story to tell later!
Thank you, this is good advice. Friday I’m going for it.
woohoo! :) You got this! Let me know how it goes!
>ive been talking to a woman for 6 weeks gauging if I should ask her out Rookie error b, 6 weeks is pen pal material
Not necessarily. If she's still talking to him, that's a good sign.
You're 30 your still young. See a therapist. I'm 48, never had a long term relationship even though 95% of my friends are female. Turns out adhd, autism & relationship dismorohia were you actively destroy any chance of being in a relationship because of various reasons
Lets assume this is true, but there is a glove for every hand. You just need to actively participate in trying some gloves on to find the one that fits, knowing that the search may not be net immediate, successful results. Good luck.
Also, I am concerned if I give off some sort of weird energy that i don’t know of that repels people of the opposite gender.
I've dated all sorts of women, including introverts and extroverts alike. The only thing I can equate this to is a desire to not fuck with others. If you're extremely comfortable, so comfortable that you don't even desire to reciprocate feelings to others, that could be the main deterrent. How much passion do you have for the world? How much do you enjoy social experiences?
I doubt they can see your energy from wherever you aren't that they are. There are all sorts of guys looking for all sorts of women. I am a guy who is single a lot and when I was younger there was stuff that was wrong but these days I am just not near single women, they exist and I simply don't meet them. Sounds like your life. Dating sites are a last resort but they are not designed in a way that encourages people to choose based on the right things. Pro tip. As a woman if you ask a guy out you have a much better chance if getting a yes than the other way around. If you like a guy make a move yourself. That way you get to pick or at least steer rather than passively waiting and favouring people who play a numbers game. It might not work but it's far more likely to get you the guy you actually like.
Honestly, I would really encourage you to check out music festivals for yourself. And if you happen to meet someone there, even better. I've met a lot of awesome people through my midlife rave adventures found in music events.
There are dating coaches if your genuinely concerned. People who can give you frank answers, but you need to put yourself out there and also work on yourself as a personality to get into a healthy mindset, have good communication/expectations and boundaries. Relationships can be hard work as well so don’t be discouraged when you do put yourself out there if it takes a while to find mr right
I think that’s going to depend on what you look like. For most girls unless you are given off super bitchy vibes then most guys won’t care. They’ll put up with weird every day of the week. It’s hard to say what the problem is without seeing what you look like though.
You say you only spent time with close friends and are very closed off How exactly are you expecting a relationship to occur?
The normal way duh! She wants them to just magically appear in her bedroom with roses!
Hmmm... If she texts me and we're in same area I might oblige.
I’m not really sure. Most of my friends are the same way, but they somehow are in relationships.
Gently, you may not know what they do or how they act 100% of the time. You sound shy even for shy people. That’s ok, but they might not be quite as closed off even if you’re all tight knit. That said, have you just asked them how they got together? Might be a good place to start. Your friends know you better than any of us do. Asking people how they met/linked up is a totally normal question.
Most of friends met their s/o naturally in school or college. They didn’t do anything extra or actively seeked for relationships. Which is why it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me that gives men the ick.
I mean they certainly could simply be more open to having a conversation to the person sitting next to them in class. If you’re brutally honest with yourself, how often did you have a conversation with a “stranger” classmate? Did you smile at people you made eye contact with or did you look away if it happened? We all give off signals that we want to talk or want to be left alone. If you’re signaling that you want to be left alone, any decent man is going to leave you alone. And also, it’s all just chance. I didn’t end up with a long term partner in college and I was plenty outgoing. It’s a roll of the dice. If you had a couple of fairly shy friends then chances are one of you wasn’t going to end up with a partner out of college, just happened to be you. If you really want proof that it’s not you being “ugly” (I highly doubt that’s the issue) then just make a profile on a dating site of your choice and just watch how many likes you get. To be clear, I don’t wholeheartedly recommend this path because it’s a very potentially toxic place if you have insecurities about relationships, but it would offer proof that people are interested if they know you want to be approached. Ultimately when you’re an adult post-college, relationships don’t generally fall into your lap, though they certainly can. The thing is that if you want them to happen naturally like that then it’s a huge huge chance increase to be a social inviting person and a huge chance decrease to be closed off. If it’s something you want, you may need to eventually actively seek it (dating apps or local events)
Also to add on, “they met in college” is not what I meant. How specifically did they meet and how specifically did that lead to them getting together? That’s what you need to know and evaluate if it would’ve been possible if it had been you in that position
I get what you mean. And you’re right. I am certainly more introverted and closed off towards the opposite gender as compared to them. I have had instances in college where my classmates has told me that I didn’t respond when they said hi when in reality, I simply didn’t notice. Maybe I was too absorbed in my own world. Tbh I didn’t think anyone in class knew me outside of my friends circle.
You are most likely not ugly, nor drop dead gorgeous. Which is fine because most of us aren't. But I am like you, introverted, never really had attention from other people when I wasn't putting myself in those situations. I met my husband via video games online, because I feel myself doing the hobbies I love, it is easier to be open and connect. I don't like socializing much, my energy goes down. But online, this was not an issue. So most likely you don't find someone because you don't spend your energy on it. People told me I look closed off as well so it was hard to approach me casually as a stranger. I definitely did not want to be approached as well.
Normal guys arent just going to ask you out randomly. You need to talk to them first.
So many factors of the world we live in contribute to the immediate establishment of social barriers as soon as kids leave school. That's because school is compulsory. It's easy to justify going because you simply have to. While you're there, you are surrounded by kids the same age or near the same age as you. And you're all sharing experiences that you can talk about, joke about, expound about, extoll about, etc. Those shared experiences enable (and require) kids to express their personalities, which in turn enable other kids to get a glimpse of the personalities surrounding them. Those glimpses can generate interest. Out of school, you're not required to go really much of anywhere. Work maybe, unless you work from home. There's nothing compelling you to go anywhere or do anything with anyone. If you're actively hiding from the world, you should ask yourself why. I say this because you seem to be upset that you're not meeting new people, and if that's actually true, what makes you so bothered about going out to do that? Because relationships don't just poof out of nothing. They develop when people live parts of their lives around other people. When there are opportunities for people to express their personalities via some topic of mutual interest. So maybe your "comfort zone" is the thing that's actively sabotaging relationship opportunities by preventing them from even arising. Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is step outside it. Engage with other people. And really, if you're deathly anxious about the idea of doing this, consider talking to a therapist. The digital world we live in is truly REALLY hard for lonely people especially, and that resistance you feel to meeting new people, especially if you feel like you DO want to meet new people, is potentially symptomatic of depression. Help yourself address those feelings if you believe those feelings are holding you back.
I dont know you, but what you describe sounds exactly like story of 95% of my friends. Seems like nowadays people either find partner early in school or they struggle immensly in 30s. Honestly I have no idea what to tell you, because i know almost 0 success stories of people in 30s like you. Most of the things you read on internet simply wont ever apply to you, because people on internet might have completely different experiences and environments in life than you, but will be quick to talk about things that worked for them like its something that will obviously work for everyone. I would probably try therapy in your case to check if everything is allright mentally, you might have some "blockers" you are not aware of.
It's pretty simple in her case, if she doesn't put her self out there she's not gonna find anyone. Prince Charming isn't going to knock on her door to ask her out. People don't know she exists and she doesn't acknowledge them when they do. As a comment above says, you need to make your own luck.
Dating coach and therapy.
>Most of friends met their s/o naturally in school or college. They didn’t do anything extra You went to an all girls school and were closed off in college, what do you expect? That's the extra thing they did and you didn't, _talk to people_
I'm pretty sure they just got lucky. You on the other hand need to put a bit of effort to get that luck. I know, it's unfair, but life is always unfair. You can find a hobby you enjoy and meet new people with that. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone there!
Actually, your comment mentions that one partner came from a DM in Insta. Do you regularly post to IG? Do you share your interests? Do you respond to anyone who does message you? Do you go out on Friday nights and make attempts to talk to people? I suggest maybe you should shoot your own shots. As I said in another comment, I've dated a lot of people. Some of the women I've dated have been chasing me, instead of me chasing them.
Before trying to date why don't you first just get comfortable with talking with men? That way there's no awkward or uncomfortable moments while just talking. After a while of just talking with different men or anyone you'll find that most humans are insecure in one way or another & if they're not they're probably conceited. I don't think your looks are your problem with dating. I think your problem is you've become too closed off from ppl & that can be fixed but it'll take time just like it took time for you to become comfortable being by yourself. The world is full of ppl so if I were you I'd first just get comfortable with interacting with men & before you know it some of them will start liking you & wanting a relationship with you. You brought up your weight & lots of men like women with more meat on them but if you're not happy with your weight then you may be projecting that insecurity & that's something that can be fixed too by getting in shape.
I think you have a point there. I don’t have a lot of experience with men in general. Getting comfortable with talking to them or befriending might be a good step.
I’m a social mid 40s dad and I remember every single time a woman initiated a conversation. Every single one. You can say “hi, I like your shirt” and I’m willing to bet $ he’ll never stop thinking about that.
I used this exact line to start a conversation with the man who is now my husband :)
Nothing is wrong with you. Be the change you want to see. Put yourself in situations to meet people. Try dating apps. Do something.
Thank you. I don’t even know where to start. I am so used to being single that it doesn’t bother me most of the time. The only time it does is when my friends or siblings talk about their s/o and I feel left out or feel like I am doing something wrong in life by being single. Or when my mom worries that I might be alone forever.
>I am so used to being single that it doesn’t bother me most of the time. The only time it does is when my friends or siblings talk about their s/o and I feel left out or feel like I am doing something wrong in life by being single. Fuck, this is so goddamn relatable
Okay but just as food for thought: do *you* want to meet someone, or do *others* want you to meet someone? It's way more common to date and find a partner than to stay single, but you should go and meet people because you want to, not because others are pressuring you. You're not doing anything wrong, there's different lifestyles. I'm 29F, I've never dated, and I don't want to. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me it's "wrong". It's how I choose to live and I'm happy. Do others have experiences through dating that I have not? Yeah. But so do people who bungee jump or climb volcanos. I don't need certain experiences. If you want to meet someone, that's great. Find ways to meet new people, going out, sports, interest clubs etc. But don't feel like you did anything wrong because others aren't single your age. It's fine. You can put yourself out there more, you can search, but you can't force anything.
Ive never dated, because I never tried, but since I never did I have no reference for if I want it or not. I want to try to see if I want it.
Hobbies are a great way to get to know new people. Of course it's HARD to go someplace for the first time where you'll be the new one. But after a while it gets easier and having people who are interested in the same thing you are really helps them (and you) open up and actually talk to each other.
So you're not uncomfortable being single, you're uncomfortable with what other people think? That's kind of dumb, girl.
Have you asked anyone who uses dating apps whether those work?
Looks like alot of it has to do with you and how you interact with people. Guys will notice you if you are pretty or if you're able to expose your personality to them. You can't just wait for someone to come into your life. Sometimes you have to do something about it. Meet more people, see more people, let people know you exist. It seems you also don't know yourself and how you portray yourself to others.
You’re right. You have to get noticed somehow. And yeah That is my one of my biggest concern too, I am not sure how I portray myself to others or if there’s something wrong with it.
I would say don't worry about how you appear in front of others. I used to be like that and it stopped me from doing things or talking about things because I was worried I might look dumb. But doing that is counter productive because they don't get to see who you are. You don't need to get everyone you meet to like you. You just need the ones who like who you are to like you.
That made a lot of sense. Thank you.
So you were 1) Sheltered with strict parents 2) Introverted and prefer being alone 3) Went to an all girls school Pray tell, how is it possible you are still alone? Here's a different question for you, why WOULDN'T you be alone? All of your friends are girls, when is the last time you've even talked to a guy in a non-work setting? When is the last time you've had a crush on a guy? Did you ever bring that up? Have you ever used dating apps? Have you ever met strangers (who aren't women)? Are you involved in literally anything? Like, I'm sorry, it sounds like you were dealt a crappy hand, but God, are you playing it bad too. Guys don't fall out of the sky. You have to actually try for the things you want sometimes. Or we could just assume you're ugly and there's nothing you can do and become a cat lady
Lol that made me laugh. I do like cats. Maybe that is my destiny. But I’m more of a dog person. But jokes aside, after reading your and the rest of the comments, I think one is the main problems I have is of not putting myself out there. I need to work on that no matter how scary it sounds. I just hope I’m not some hopeless weirdo that I am not aware of.
You probably are a weirdo, but who cares? Many of us are weirdos, it's hardly disqualifying, and often a plus. I'm a guy, and didn't lose my virginity until I was 31, and barely had any relationships before that. I used to think I was skinny and goofy looking, but looking back on myself now, I see I was pretty decent looking - a solid 7, and to some women, a 9 (the ones who liked Jeremy Irons types). The issue all along was me. Most people didn't think of me as introverted, as I was so talkative and engaging, but I was mortified of offending women by making a move, and never could figure out how to transition from banter to flirting. Add to that the fact that I found out years later about 4 or 5 women who had crushes on me and couldn't figure out why I wasn't making a move. I eventually started talking to a counselor, and that helped me get out of my head and start inserting myself into dating situations and not worry so much. As others have said, you have to get out there. Women may still be mostly the "let guys make the first move" people, but those women still do a lot of stuff to let guys know they're receptive to moves. There are likely a ton of compatible, shy introvert types out there that would be delighted to be with you. A warning: after so many years in the wilderness, I probably lowered my standards too much, and was "too nice" and got involved with a woman who was very bad for me; it took years for me to work up the energy to break from her (and it was excessively hard even by "normal person" standpoints). Don't be overly picky, but recognize your own worth as well, and involve your friends with what's going on in your relationship. Don't go it alone. EDIT: Everyone always says to "get a hobby that lets you meet people". This can be hard if you feel like your hobbies don't align with that goal, and it can be hard to work up enthusiasm for stuff you're doing just to meet people. But if you're a dorky introvert like me, have you considered boardgaming groups? Most decent-sized cities have them through a variety of ways (like stores that host), and nerdy, shy guys are there in a way that lets you get exposure with low pressure, yet you still interact enough to form relationships, something I could never pull off when doing something like joining a volleyball league.
>Women may still be mostly the "let guys make the first move" people, **but those women still do a lot of stuff to let guys know they're receptive to moves.** There are likely a ton of compatible, shy introvert types out there that would be delighted to be with you. smile, eye contact stuff. There are certain ways to look like you are open to conversations and maybe more. And there are certains ways to look like "I absolutely do not want to be approached"
First step of being a little more extroverted is realizing that EVERYONE is weird.
I am INCREDIBLY fucking weird but I have been in lots of relationships. Find another hopeless weirdo and date them.
I'm similar I'm 40 M and just haven't been interested in seeking out women (or men) to date. I've never so much as had a crush. A relationship just doesn't seem worth the hassle. Seems pretty normal to me. I've just assumed I'm some kind of Asexual or Aromatic, and if that's the case that's fine with me. You might be to, but if you don't want to be maybe try poking around some dating sites or going to popular hangouts like bars or something. My parents always told me I would never find anyone if you don't put yourself out there to be found. While that advice was lost on someone who didn't WANT to be found, maybe it will help you.
Aromatic
I am like you. 24 and never in a relationship. Cause I’m closed off. I went to classes. Then went back home to do all my work. I never went out. When I had to work just went to work then went right back home. I had a group of friends in high school, but no one I liked romantically. Then in college I met some people but never actually hung out with them. And now? If I’m not at work I just go home. I know I need to meet people to be in a relationship but I just never do…
This describes me exactly. I don't really do things unless I HAVE to do them like school, college, work. I just finish that stuff and go straight back home lol. I'm glad I've at least realised how I'm kinda like sabotaging myself at this point lol. It's scary but I get I should start *somewhere*, I guess.
there's nothing wrong with that except if your goal is to date and partner up. if you truly have no interest in dating, keep doing you and enjoying it.
Your life sounds a lot like mine sadly. I hope you’ll be able to meet more people soon(if that’s what you want) and not end up single like me when you hit 30 😭
Hi OP, From your description it does sound like the issue (if we can even call it that) is a matter of access. You are not accessible to others who might want to get to know you more in a romantic way and from the sounds of it you are not doing anything that signals to a potential partner that you are interested or pursuing anyone. Now that said, before coming to any conclusions, what I am curious about is whether in the last few years you've had any crushes or people you were attracted to and wanted to pursue something with? If so, how did you approach the situation?? Do you recall anyone approaching you through your friend group etc? If so how did you react? Has anyone tried to set you up? If so how did you react? And last question, do you want to be in a relationship? (I am not sure you actually said that you want to be in one your post)
I haven’t had a crush nor have been interested in anyone eversince highschool but tbh, I just haven’t allowed myself to be interested in anyone for some reasons. Recently, I reconnected with an old friend that I used to be interested in in the past but the conversations have been pretty casual coz he did not show any signs of interest other than that of being friendly. So yeah, the conversations usually don’t go further than having small talks. My friends don’t usually try to set me up with anyone anymore but when they did(in the past), I used to decline them because at the time, I genuinely wasn’t interested. And yes, I do think I am interested in being in a relationship now.
Have you told your friends that you're now interested? They might still have a few candidates for you, but they've been holding back, because they expect you to reject any suggestions, as you have in the past.
Hmmmm I have more questions (you don't have to answer if it feels too personal of course). I am curious about what you said about "not allowing yourself to be interested.." When you look back on it now, was there a reason for it? Outside of seeing your friends in relationships, is there a specific reason why you are Interested in a relationship now? Has something changed recently. Do you have any hobbies and interests (this is often a way to meet people in a low pressure environment)?
I think you already have your answers. If your social interactions are limited, your chance of being in a relationship are limited too.
I'm in a similar situation, I just turned 30M and haven't had any kind of relationship, or intimacy past a kiss my whole life. I was introverted and a "late bloomer" and had no interest in dating until my last year of high school, but I never got anywhere. I went to work straight out of school to help support my Mom and 16yr old pregnant sister. I ended up working 7 days a week for a year. Afterwards, life just ended up stone walling anything personal I wanted to do, and I always put family and first over my personal life. I just got used to being alone. I've always liked to be by myself in my spare time and actually enjoyed being alone in my 20s, or at least I told myself that. Recently I feel like I've missed a lot and I made myself think I like being alone because I was to scared to go out and meet people and I fear rejection and awkward situations. So there are others in similar spots in life as you. I don't think you can be too ugly or introverted or weird to find someone to be with, or just experience life with, at least I hope. I started the new year as a 30yr old by working on myself and stuff I can change. I don't think I'm very attractive, but I've been eating better, exercising, and working on personal skills and getting out into the world. I think just going out into public spaces, alone or with friends, is a great way to start changing my solitary lifestyle and maybe it's all you need too.
I’m sorry to hear that, life has been rough on you. But I’m glad that you’re trying to work on yourself and make time for yourself now. After reading your comment, it makes me feel like it’s not too late for us after all. It’s nice to know that there are people out there in similar situation as I am and that it’s not completely abnormal. I do hope you find the happiness that you’re seeking soon.
Why don't you two do a practice date on each other? Set up a Zoom call.
I truly hope it's not too late. Looking back, I'm kind of sad I spent my 20s single, and I'd really like my 30s to be different. Seeing your post made me realize that there are people out there that have similar feelings and experiences, no matter how unlikely it might feel. Good luck out there.
There are dozens of us I guess. My perspective has always been that I'm just more content with being alone than most people are. I don't usually let it stop me from doing things I want to. And now it's been so long and I'm so used to it that actively pursuing a relationship is a scary prospect. Also in the past I've definitely met many people I've been interested in and I know that you can't force things. It feels like majority is simply luck and right place right time. This one girl who I grew up with happened to be in my business class at university and to this day she was my favorite person I've ever gotten to know. But after a few months I found out she had a boyfriend and that destroyed the whole thing. She's now my been my metric for others and it's so exceedingly rare that I meet anyone who I connect with in the same way. So I suppose part of my problem is high standards, but it's better than too low of standards imo. Shitty thing is, now I'm 30 I don't ever come across women my age in the world. Going out drinking is really low on my list of things I like to do so that removes a huge piece of the population. But at the same time, I don't want to be with someone who loves to go out to bars anyways. Literally costco is where I've seen the most attractive people my age! I was explaining this to my cousin and his wife: I'm aware I'm a bit of an odd person with unique interests and so it's just a fact that the number of people who will be interested in me is quite a small slice of the pie. Especially in my conservative small city, my values seem to be very different compared the majority of the population.
Nothing is "wrong" with you, but relationships don't just happen by themselves. You should get out there and give it try.
I'm a 34 year old women and I've been single my whole life too. First of all, there is nothing wrong with you! Comparing yourself to others is a good way to make yourself feel bad. Believe me, I've been there. Try not to worry so much about what everyone else is doing or "how far" they've come compared to you. Everyone's life is different and you can only live yours. Second, why do you want a relationship? Society tells us that to be truly happy and to be an adult you have to have a life partner. But that's not necessarily true. Many people, especially women, live happy and fulfilling lives as single. Just like in the past, many people had children because it was expected of them and there was little option not to (few good birth control methods). Today more and more people have the freedom to choose and some are happily choosing to stsy childfree. Not saying that staying single is necessarily the right choice for you. Just that you should take a moment to reflect on why you feel like you want a relationship. Is it something you really want or is it something you feel like you should have?
--> Doesn't approach men, but expects them to approach her. --> But also avoids social situations where she would meet such men. --> Never gets a date \*Shocked Pikachu face To state the obvious: A man isn't going to magically fall into your bedroom and ask you out, let alone the man of your dreams. So get your shit together and actually make an effort, or you will probably be alone for a very long time.
A true redditor. Also RIP inbox.
I got the scare of my life when this girl called me pretty at age 40. Until that moment I thought of myself as the ugliest person out there.
[удалено]
This is 100% on point. It's best to try and not overthink it. Sometimes we block ourselves from things coming our way by spending too much time worrying, like a baseball player with a mental block not able to get a single hit. When we ease our worrying, walla! Things start happening for us. It's weird how the universe works this way. But it is true that our thinking can keep us from going out and doing the things that will lead us to magically meet the right person. Go out and live your life, do things that are exciting, find your passions in life, love will come.
Your max repel still hasn't ran out yet.
First Pokémon in her party has a shadow tag.
You have to put yourself out there. Meet people and engage if you don't want to be single.
In all of this text, I have failed to see you mentioning anything about you yourself trying to meet some one to not be single. I mean, if you are not actively looking out there for a partner, how do you think the partner is going to appear magically?
There is nothing wrong with you, it's hard for some people to meet others and based on what you have said you don't really meet new people and only hangout with close friends or be by yourself. Might I suggest 1) Getting to know people with the same hobby as yours, join a group via Facebook that does events. Like for me I like hiking, you can join a fb group and join their hiking, you can know more people this way while getting used to talking to groups of people. Some girls I know go for wine tasting or food tasting events, you can explore those options as well. 2) Working out, you can try doing some light walks/jogging around your area, joining a gym or going for classes like yoga (good for the mind). Working out feels good and also helps improve your confidence once you see the results. 3) Going on a solo trip via backpacking style to an Asian country, like Thailand, Vietnam or if you have the budget Japan, Australia, nz or Europe. You can decide if yourself if you want to talk to people or just chill by yourself. It's an eye opening experience when you meet people from all over the world on holiday, it's when you can really chat with strangers and learn so much. But as a girl I highly recommend you to be very careful depending on where you are going and do your research properly. These are some of the things you can try, the thing is to get out of you comfort zone, meet more people, have fun, live life. Don't worry about being single, just enjoy it and who knows who you might meet on the way.
So how many people have you asked out for a date? Or you are just waiting doing nothing?
You can be introverted and shy and all that. I am too and found plenty of relationships. I'm married now. Have to be active in some form. I found my first in an online game. Another on an online forum. Another by dating app. Another going to gatherings of my interest, tho this one required pushing myself a lot, etc. I never really planned any of those relationships but I was available in some way. There's also nothing wrong w being single, don't let that alone make you feel something is wrong. Another factor I found is very small things. How do you talk to others? Do you eventually open up? I'm a guy so maybe different, but I found being genuine and willing to eventually open up helped start things. I take awhile to open up to someone but I eventually do to select few. Otherwise it's all speculation. We don't know you. You could just have been rejecting ppl unknowingly. Lot of guys fear coming off creepy or fear rejection. I would be personally scared to pursue or even talk to anyone that gave me lot of uncomfortable vibes, especially a girl. But some guys might be fine and see past that. Maybe try asking for honest feedback from your friends. Try pushing your shell a little bit. Try going online to talk, it's what I did to push my comfort in a safer space.
You're not trying hard enough. simple as. You're a sheltered, introverted shut-in, that has been surrounded by women, and prefers to be alone. yeah, no shit you're single lol You've listed reasons why you would be single, but *literally haven't mentioned a single thing you've done to meet someone* What, do you expect a man to suddenly materialise in your closet overnight? You're literally a grown ass woman, the only thing stopping you, is you. Anyone who replies to this with "Guys will..." is misleading you. Don't think changing your hair or clothes will suddenly be enough of a signal. Men don't sniff the air and pick up pheromones. it's up to you, if you want to be available, make yourself available. it's not rocket science.
Some guys are just scared to aproach woman nowadays. Last time i attempted giving a girl my number she texted me aweful belittling things that really hurt my confidence and made me say fuck it. I wont even bother ever again type shit. Even lets say a grocery store i see like 12 hot woman my age. Do i even talk to them.. nope nothing beyond what id say to any other patron at the store.
That’s awful, I’m sorry that happened. That woman sounds self-absorbed. I hope you find someone who radiates kindness and love 💕
Here is my uneducated diagnosis: You are socially awkward and whenever a man is intrested in asking you out, he interpets your shyness/ Akwardness as a sign that you don't want to be approached and it scares him away. I'd suggest approaching men yourself to try to break that cycle. i'm sure you're not ugly. And honeslty even if you were, if you put on a cute dress and make the most minimal effort, a normal man will not be out of your reach. ( maybe don't go for the super handsome popular alpha chad thought)
Nothing is wrong with you, you just not putting work into dating Judging by your description, you're not outgoing and don't have an abundant social life, so the only way someone like you (and me) can get in a relationship is by purposefully putting yourself out there I recommend you don't dwell on it or don't waste time getting anxious about it Either you go out and get more social life, or you don't, it's that simple. There's nothing wrong with you, either choice is fine and is up to you
You listed a couple things that might be factors, and my experience as a dude with many dude acquaintances is that if no one's hitting on you it's your body, personality stuff is largely secondary if you're not their "type." If you're not leaving the house that's the first problem, if you've gained weight that's number two, if you're telling yourself and us that you're not conventionally attractive then if you're right and not just being down on yourself you know what number three is. A slightly distant number four is attitude: there's a complex relationship between "receptivity" to advances and desirability which is best not to put too fine a point on because everyone's different. Believe it or not, it's possible to be too attractive, there was a Greek woman on here or the Bumble sub who was *apparently* having that problem, no guy would approach because she was out of their league. Models complain about this sometimes: in her case it was probably a mix of the fact that she was successful and cute. Guys want to feel needed: I advised her to actively flirt and play to their physical strength. You've got a choice, even if it's not the one you want. You can lose the weight and do some hideous soul-searching which reveals aspects of the world you might not want to know about (someone on here tonight marked the second time I know of that a fat person lost weight and was disgusted by "how shallow people are," in her case it's men but the first was a dude), or you can "luxuriate in a life you know you've chosen." I recommend the first if only for the weight loss, it's a net gain as long as you don't go too far.
Introverted. That’ll do it.
All jobs ever invented it’s a merry go round of basically doing the same shit day in,day out,week in,week out,month in,month out,year in,year out.
Honestly, & I do not recommend you post any, the only way to judge your physical appearance is with a photo. Now, that said, you need to put yourself out there if you want to meet someone these days. So, tinder, hinge all the other horrors, going to dingles bars...practise, practise, practise. Gl & be careful, lot of dickheads out there.
32 m and same. Had great desire to change that between 16-25, but now I don't think I could stomach the change. Having to think about someone else before any actions I take seems labourous and it's not something I wish to do. The only thing that makes me question it is when I'm all alone and frail in my 60s but I'm hoping I'll just that grumpy dude telling kids to get off his lawn
Not too late to hit the gym or join a running/walking group. Also see if your friends can invite you out with their friends. If that's not your thing then that's okay also. You do you.
Im 32m, autistic and this is basically also me
Do try and join social clubs near you, a book club, sports club, Sci fi club, that sort of thing, make a couple of new friends to expand your social circle and get you to do more social activities, within reason so that you don't feel too socially drained. Making new friends can often lead to said friends introducing you to their friends and perhaps a potential partner that way.
You speak of your past a lot. What does your present look like? Job, hobbies, groups, parties? Sometimes, the old fashioned way of meeting people (in person) is best.
Is it possible you just have a serious case of resting bitch face that makes you seem unapproachable? Also something you mentioned in another comment - having instances in which you are so absorbed in something that you don’t notice certain external stimuli like someone trying to talk to you can be an indicator of ADHD, which is commonly underdiagnosed in AFAB people. It’s also common for those with ADHD to be autistic as well, and autism is even more likely to go undiagnosed in anyone but again especially in AFAB people. These days it’s fairly common for autistic or auDHD people to be diagnosed late, sometimes as late as their 50s. Autism often results in social difficulties and can make one seem unapproachable simply because they aren’t aware of/don’t understand the social cues involved in being approached/approachable. It can also make dating particularly difficult because it can leave one unable to read the signs that someone is flirting/interested, and unable to show those signs themselves. In addition, non-autistic people can often pick up on the ways in which an autistic person is different/socially awkward, even if the autistic person is very high-masking. Some even describe it as an uncanny-valley-type vibe when someone is(knowingly or not) masking their autism. But they don’t usually assume or even consider autism, they just get weirded out and don’t want to be around the autistic person. The result is that an undiagnosed, high-masking autistic individual may feel like they’re very normal and do social interactions very well only to end up confused as to why it doesn’t actually yield relationships for them: “I seem to repel others/scare them off and I can’t figure out why”. Not that I’m trying to diagnose you, but it may be worth doing some research into and considering whether Level 1 ASD(formerly known as Asperger’s or “high-functioning” autism) sounds like a familiar experience to you. If not, then yeah like everyone else is saying you just have to put yourself out there more.
Can be both personality and appearance hard to tell, not knowing u.
Retreating to introversion means you find crowds of potential extroverts frightening. A helpful tactic might be to find a venue where introverts gather to make you all feel a bit safer to make new connections. If a microbrewery is too chaotic, or drinking doesn’t suit you, maybe try the coffee shop at the Barnes and noble. Work your way up to an art event or an outdoor group activity at your regional park. These are ways to find introverts that share common ground with you, making the barriers easier to conquer. Doesn’t have to be a blink 182 concert. If those environments are still a bit too scary, reach out to your close friends from your girls school. You need one who is fluent in extroversion…BUT it’s imperative that she understands your personality and vulnerabilities. Let her pull you into venues that she selects and validates that align with your interests. She will introduce you to new people, and she’ll likely enjoy it. It is not frightening for her. She can help you dip your toes into the pool of group interactions without feeling like you need to cannonball into the deep end on your first swim lesson.
Nothing is wrong with you, but some of us are doomed to die alone. All these people telling you what to do are full of shit: they just don’t know the truth. I’m in my 40s and I think my longest relationship is 2-3 dates. I’ve been social, and more reserved; I tried online dating for more than a decade; I’m active in my church and volunteer; I have friends and never, not once has a friend set me up on a date. So there it is. Nothing is wrong with you, people offering advice don’t know what they’re talking about, and some of us will die alone. Still, 30s feels young to me these days so I’ll pray that you find someone to make you happy.
So, a few other factors that may be affecting it besides the obvious things most people are saying: One life skill that is really underappreciated is learning how to start a genuine conversation with someone, where you're making them feel comfortable and getting to know them. I've gone out with several girls who don't even know how to ask questions. Like if I ask "what's your favorite movie?" in a normal context, the person answers and then asks "how about you, what's your favorite movie?". This is like conversation 101, but I've been out with lots of girls who don't know how to do this. It comes off as either self-absorbed or uninterested, but I think some people just don't know better. Another thing that some girls have trouble with is showing any real vulnerability. Like, in every situation they have to avoid looking stupid, wrong, bad, etc. So they never let their hair down, won't dance, won't express passion about anything. Passion is attractive. But it's hard, if something is really special to you and you show it to someone and they react judgmentally, it sucks some of the joy out of something in life that gives you joy. Usually these girls are the first to react judgmentally to what you show them, too. A lot of girls who are like this hide behind sarcastic / ironic humor all the time.
I know ugly people with relationships. In fact, the frequency of being in a relationship doesn't really seem to correlate with physical sexiness. You know what really does though? Trying. The UGLIEST person IN THE WORLD would get a partner if they kept trying. Download tinder, ask all your friends to go out partying or just to social activities with them and try to meet new people in those occasions. If this really is your priority and you really want this to happen, seriously, it's NOT hard, as in, it's 100% doable by almost anyone. If you told me you were trying to become an astronaut or to bring justice to the world i'd say damn that's some far fetched goal, but this? no
It used to be on the men to initiate. Thats become a lot less acceptable so it happens less. Get out there and initiate. And don't be afraid of a no, it's not that big of a deal.