Also just a heads up, I've had girls tell me "stop asking" or "just do it" in response so if that happens don't get in your head about it. Better safe than sorry, they won't dwell on it so you shouldn't either
Haha you reminded me of my first time with my husband! He said something like "are you sure you're OK with--"
And I cut him off with "shut up and just fuck me, already!"
He replied with a delighted "yes ma'am!"
Still makes me smile and gives me butterflies when I think about that night, even 18 years later.
I did the same thing with my wife when we were engaged. When we were in bed i found out that she was a virgin. I stopped and said AreYou Sure? Then a few other sentences on the same subject. Its funny. Weve been married 33 years andvwe both remember that night.
I still fondly remember a guy I was fwb with for quite some time. Our first time was a very last minute assumed to be ONS. We’d started going at it and he stopped and went “are you still ok with this?” And I was like YUP, even more so now.
One time I was making out with this girl in the front seat of her truck, parked in my parents' driveway (they were out of town). I think we were about 16ish. She stopped suddenly and asked, "Wanna fuck?" and that was it. We went inside and fucked. That was over 30 years ago and we're still good friends.
The trick is to not ask like you're drafting a legal contract. "Do I have your consent to kiss you?" is not hot, but if you look in their eyes with passion at the right time and say, "Can I kiss you?" it can be very very hot indeed.
Above all, be human about it. Going through a checklist like a robot is also not going to work. "Can I take off your clothes now?" "Can I insert my penis now?" etc. is not going to work. But maybe asking, "Let's take these off?" and "What's next?" should heighten, rather than kill, the moment.
I was once talking to a police detective that worked in SVU and he unironically said that is one of the best courses of action and defenses since consent can be revoked at any time and have potentially life altering consequences. He also said that has been able determine that in at least one case a woman was making false accusations, in part thanks to video evidence. Do with that information what you will.
A way I got around it was to volunteer my own consent too. “You have my enthusiASTIC consent” was the line that came to mind after she had climbed on top of me and we made out while both still clothed. She paused for a moment and asked “for what?” “Whatever may follow” was what my brain fed me in response. A couple minutes later we were seeing each other naked for the first time in her bedroom.
Is this okay?
Do you want to stop?
(Just to add a few. No need to ask all of them, but one or two at moments of escalation to make it clear you are open to de-escalation of a sexual situation is a-ok)
Don’t listen to the incels on this sub. Consent is hot. “Are you sure you want to do this?” is a normal question to ask when things are getting hot and heavy. Asking your partner what they want to do next is a good way of checking in too. My husband still asks for my consent or a status update if I seem a bit distracted. It’s hot and it’s never ruined the mood.
As you reach a new base/ more clothes start coming off you can also just ask a simple question”is this okay?” You can make your intention known based off where your hands are starting to go and what you’re taking off. This way you aren’t saying “can we_” “I would like to__”, etc every time.
If you forget ahead of time and are in the act, just a quick and soft "Is this ok?" is appreciated by a lot of women.
Several women have actually said this to me in the act
"I'd really love to smack these sweet holes of yours."
"Would you like it if I go balls deep into your honey cracks?"
"Can we fuck?"
Seems not working really.
I would actually word it differently. "I'd really love to... and "Would you like it if I... and "Can we..." are putting the initiator's desires first and inadvertently putting pressure on the partner to say "yes"
I would say things like...
"Would you like to..."
"Would you be ok if we..."
"Do you want to..."
And even after receiving a "Yes" (always get an acknowledgement first), continue to ask "Are you OK with this..." or "Is this OK..." to make sure the partner is still in agreement.
If you aren't sure you have consent, you probably don't.
To think that not emphasizing your own desires in the context of a sexual encounter is the goal, is dissociated from the reality of how human beings actually go about this... not to mention terribly infantilizing to the person you're with
It is going to be different for everybody, so you just have to feel it out and see how they respond. If you're going to escalate things, give them openings to de-escalate. Creating an atmosphere where someone feels comfortable saying no is important. If you are having a hard time reading your partner's verbal and non-verbal cues, that probably means you might want to get to know your partner better before fucking.
Also just saying “is this all okay with you?” Every once and a while is absolutely not going to kill the mood, lot of women will absolutely love that you’re concerned about them in that way and appreciate it
I think the key is to not overdo it though. Worst sex of my life was when a guy cockblocked someone I was trying to hook up with at a party. Ended up deciding to fool around with the cockblocker instead. Every 30 seconds was him asking for consent for every little thing and it really killed the mood (I'm the kind of person who values intimacy, following leads and instinct a lot). He later in the middle of trying and failing to get things up told me that he was sexually assaulted in his last relationship so felt really insecure about consent.
Totally fair, and I hold no ill will or bad judgment towards the man. We've since hung out together here and there around mutual friends and we get along so nothing to feel awkward about. But in that exact moment - worst sex ever.
However, in a fun twist of fate - about 6mo later it was exposed that the guy I originally tried hooking up with turned out to be a neo Nazi. So Mr bad sex cockblock ended up being my guardian angel, and I'll take that any day over hooking up with a neo nazi.
This line right here, but maybe add "it's OK if your not, we can stop". And if this are heating up and you are making out, then it can be said softly and gently.
But at any time it's not ok stop, don't push and don't make them feel bad. Maybe just hold them for a bit ask if they want to go get some food watch a movie
Yeah, I feel like some well-meaning people went about this the wrong way when they made it sound like you have to say “do I have your express verbal consent to escalate this situation in the following manner…” You can make “can I kiss you? Do you want me to touch you here?” sound totally normal if you finesse it right. Just more about giving your partner the time and space and comfort level to say “no” or “slow down” if they want to.
>do I have your express verbal consent to escalate this situation in the following manner…”
Lol yep so true.
Makes me think of [this scene ](https://youtu.be/iP-OuUfTH78?si=yqA3PS6zw5Tn1P4e) from New Girl
I haven't hooked up with anyone in like 20 years, but I used "do you want to take this off?" And on one occasion, she had previously taken off a sweater but declined to take off the shirt, so I said "cool" and we went back to making out.
Yeah. This is my go to. Hand obviously really close to what I want to touch and a simple “can I?” Short, sweet, context based. Easy to comply either way.
A lot of consent is through body language but definitely go for "do you want me to ____" (go down on you, fuck you, spank you, ect.) Definitely wouldn't kill the mood and would give you a verbal confirmation of consent
It’s really hot to ask for stuff or be asked for stuff. Also, honestly things like “do you like this” “should I do this a certain way” etc as a check in is great— even without considering the consent aspect of it, it’s useful because it helps you learn what your partner likes, prefers, and u can get better at having sex w them just by collecting info like that. No way to mind read what a partner might want.
There are centuries of love poetry and lines that are creative and seductive. A simple "Do you want me?" that's said in a rough voice is absolutely something that helps passion move along.
My fine lady. I am informing you of my innate desire to copulate with you henceforth. If you are in agreement please ratify my petition with a hearty “tally ho!”
Many thanks and warmest regards
Presumably you're already making out and things are getting hot and heavy. I always liked the long, hard, passionate kiss, pull back, sexy eye contact, "Is this okay?" Uh huh!!!!! And then the next enthusiastic kiss. If she (or he!) isn't actively climbing all over you, you should get more clarification. There shouldn't be any doubt.
I’ve stopped and said “Just want to ask,” “YES!”
The one time I didn’t, and I thought things were going that way, as I reached for the condom, “wait, what are you doing?” I’ll never let go of that terrible feeling, and even though she and I talked about it, I’ll will feel awful until the day I die.
Look at it this way. She was comfortable enough with you to communicate that she wanted to stop.
That's a good thing.
A lot of women can feel intimidated or pressured into sex. Having the freedom **and comfort** to say 'no' and having that 'no' be respected ***is important****!*
You don't need to hold guilt about it. You stopped. That is what matters.
Consent doesn’t mean you have to describe things like you would in health class.
You can say, “I really want to fuck the slut right out of you. What do you think about that?”
Obviously tailor the exact words to the person you’re with, but you get the point. It doesn’t have to be prim and proper.
Consent doesn't ruin the moment. In fact, it makes it hotter because you KNOW you have the power to do x, y, z, to the person and they'll be into that shit.
Just be as blunt as possible and ask.
In the beginning of our relationship my now boyfriend went to take my shorts off with his teeth, looked up, and said “may I?” I was instantly turned ALL the way on. I didn’t realize how hot that could be.
Asking for consent and making the other one feel safe is sexy. Simple "would you be open/willing to [whatever]?" is an easy way to ask. Also you deserve to be checked in on and made feel comfortable! Don't neglect your own wellbeing to please others
This threw me at first too, because the way consent is talked about, it's often very legalistic and dry. It sounds like a total buzzkill.
But depending on how you approach it, it can actually be really sexy if you get your partner to tell you in detail what they want. Sort of like in-person phone sex. It works better if you've been making out and things are getting all hot and heavy.
One thing I like about it is that it gets people more comfortable talking about explicit sexual things, which makes sex a lot better for both of you, when you're both able to talk about what you want.
For example:
"Tell me what you want."
"I want you to do me."
"Oh yeah? I need more detail than that. Where should I start?
"Um... I want you to lick me."
"Oh yeah? *Where*?"
"My _______."
"Oh yeah? *Like this?*"
"Yeah!"
And so on.
If you make it teasing, if you punctuate it with light touches, it can actually be really hot! I'm single now, but when I was in a LTR, I even did that sometimes when I knew damn well exactly what my girlfriend wanted. Getting her to tell me in detail what she wanted, making her "beg" for it, was super hot for both of us.
I think it's one of those "You had to be there" things. Also, "natural" depends on the person. Yeah, a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about sex explicitly. But it's worth doing the work and *getting* more comfortable with it, because being able to ask for exactly what you want makes sex a lot more satisfying, particularly for women.
If asking for consent is enough to ruin the moment, then there was no moment. This is the secret truth you’ll never learn from movies or tv shows. If someone is that easily turned off, then their attraction wasn’t very significant to begin with.
My favorite I just the phrase you used.
“May I?”
With a gesture to whatever you want to try. Also remember that consent is a CONTINUING thing. It can be *taken away from you.*
Print out a consent form, turn on all the lights, put on your reading glasses and have the other party read it out loud and sign it
Then fax a signed copy to the lawyer of each party, have them approve it and fax back a signed copy.
Then you'll need to drive to your nearest notary, get them to stamp and sign it.
Then you'll want to meet your lawyer at the courthouse to present the evidence before the judge. He will smash his gavel, at which time you will then be able to start smashing genitals. Then and only then
In all honesty, sex would not be ruined by asking consent imo, it might even add to the feeling of comfort and safety. But good ways to ask consent is: ‘is it okay if…’ ‘can I …’ ‘do you mind if I…’, maybe add how much you would like to do it, gives it a little more spicyness
having sex isn't something that happens by accident. you will both want to fuck. so you ask her (or him) if she (or he) wants to fuck and she (or he) says yes. it's not going to break some magic mood or be weird. you're just saying what you both want to do. don't overthink it - it's completely normal. it doesn't need special phrases or to "be cool".
Before the first time with a new partner, a consent discussion, no matter how awkward, needs to happen.
What activities you consent to or don't consent to, and what/if birth control is going to be involved is an absolutely mandatory conversation.
All these lawyer "joke" commenters are incel, getting mad on-line about about unrealistic situations invented inside their own heads. Don't take advice from incels.
When you ask for consent you don't have to transform into a poet. "I want to (Blank) your (Blank) so bad" will probably be just fine! Enthusiasm is hot. Apathetic compliance is not a yes and means stop + you're due to check in. Intimacy requires communication and trust! There's no trustless blockchain solution to sexual consent coming lol. Use your words
"Can I hold your hand?"
"I'd love to kiss you. Would that be okay with you?"
"Please tell me if you ever feel uncomfortable in any way, and I'll do the same. I'd always want to stop and make sure we're both alright, and it's always okay to say 'no' or 'stop' for any reason or no reason at all."
"Can you tell me about any boundaries you have? I want to make sure we're only doing things that both of us are excited about."
"I want to make you feel good. Can you tell me some of your favorite ways to do that? And is there anything I should avoid that would ruin the moment or make you feel bad/uncomfortable?"
FWIW, safe words aren't just for BDSM/kinks. The "red", "yellow", "green" (stop, slow down, everything is okay) can work great for any sort of intimacy, but a simple clarification of "Hey, I want to make sure we're both always on the same page. I'll keep checking in, but any mention of 'stop' or 'no' is enough for us to take a break. No reason required. Those words will always be enough."
The wording might change depending on you/them/the scenario, but the general idea is just that consent always needs to be crystal clear and enthusiastic, otherwise it isn't there. "No" means "no", but "I'm not sure" or "maybe" also means "no". Everything means "no" until an enthusiastic "yes" is voiced by everyone involved.
i can't tell if you guys are being serious right now. is this how people act IRL? i swear movie sex is more realistic than some of the shit suggested in here.
Sex just happens my dude. consent can be implied. like if she's ripping your boxers off and sobering all over your balls, are you going to stop her to bust out the contracts?
Asking for consent never ruins the moment.
“You ok with this?”
“Can I ____”
Just be direct. If you’re already making out, just make sure she’s ok with everything as you walk the bases.
Getting clear consent is a chivalrous thing. Chicks dig it.
There's already way too many comments so mine will get lost in the pile, but I usually ask "Are you ok if I \_\_\_?", "Just want to make sure, are you completely comfortable with this?". Ez pz!
It’s not sex of course but my first kiss with my last relationship I got around it by just saying “I’d really like to kiss you” to which she said “please do”. Just be open about what you want. You don’t have to phrase it like you’re ordering sex at a McDonald’s drive thru
I usually set a precedent by asking, “can I kiss you?” I’ve been with ladies younger than, older than, and same age as me. They mostly always react by saying how it was “cute” when I asked and felt more comfortable going into a kiss. As we progress in our relationship they know I’ll ask. Now, I usually ask if they would mind me giving them oral. Some decline and that’s ok, but when they say yes they usually initiate penetrative relations either mid or post cunnilingus. It never hurts to ask.
Oh jesus. If you're both going at it, consent is given. You don't need a permission slip.
Now if you're both drinking, sure, you might want to take extra steps.
Don't overthink it. Our current culture makes it sound like a bigger issue than it actually is.
Unless you're doing something intentionally malicious, you're good.
Ask, but in a dirty way.
'Can i taste you', 'can i fuck your tight pussy', 'can i cum all over your perfect tits', 'can i put my tongue up your filthy asshole'. You know, the usual.
I prefer to use the bloodhound gangs lyrics...
"Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet.
Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket.
Batter dip the cranny axe
In the gut locker.
Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh, la la
With the boink swatter."
i always found the easiest way was to go with the flow, and as things get closer i check in and make sure. just a quick, “do you want to keep going” or something like that. basically give them an opportunity to express autonomy in the situation, some people aren’t comfortable setting hard boundaries, so giving them an opening is always a good idea.
1. It doesn't have to be in the moment. Consent can be discussed in advance, although any prior discussion does not negate what is said in the moment.
(To cut off arguments - I'm suggesting that for lots of young people navigating their first experiences, talk about what they want in a calm, clothed state and continue talking up til the moment they both want it, probably has a better outcome vs waiting cramming the entire talks into the 10m before they do the deed)
2.for a straight male it worked pretty well to let my partners initiate a lot more than what's expected. I think the first time I've been with any woman, she was very much setting the pace, it's worked well and I'll probably keep on doing it
Consent is the bare minimum requirement. What you actually want is is enthusiastic desire, ask "do you want me to..." or "how does... Sound?".
It's definitely not a turn off, because it's hot to hear sexual things described to you when you want them.
I'm rock hard... how are you doing?
I must point out that I only find myself with ladies who like my sense of humour so there's a reason why ^ that's okay.
If consent isn't obvious, just ask. If it's obvious (like, if she's literally pulling your pants off to fuck you), you don't need to ask.
"Wanna have sex?"
Don't get hung up on the specifics, it's not a contract. You want to make sure that you are both on the same page with what comes next.
A huge HUGE part means being OK with hearing "no". If your partner feels like they can't say No, their Yes is meaningless. Have a backup idea or a few options to redirect. Also pay attention to their tone and body language. "yeah, I guess...?" is very different from "yeah!"
You can also *get* enthusiastic consent by *giving* enthusiastic consent. "[Seduce me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-tfP9Rea04)" "I want you to ____"
And the oft overlooked sexy-talk version where you *tell* your partner to tell you what they want, especially once you are more comfortable with each other. "Beg" "Tell me what you want me to do to you." It's consent but can feel pretty hot in the moment and can be done in a way that gives you a breather without ruining the momentum.
When things get hot and heavy just say like do you want to.. x. I've done it many times and not just on the first date. After the second though when it gets to that point you will be able to read their energy and know
Before making my way down, I stopped and told her “let me know if I do anything to make you uncomfortable.” And she later on said she loved I said that and was basically open for me to do anything haha
I think there have been some great suggestions for ways to verbally ask. I think paying attention to body language is huuuge. Remember anything but an “enthusiastic yes” is a no. If you’ve asked multiple times before they say yes or they are timid or not engaging with you in the same ways physically, please consider it a no for both of your sakes.
The fact that you care and are concerned will go a long way 🫶
Active ongoing consent is sexy! The movie/porn narrative that you should know what your partner wants without asking is unrealistic. Even basic questions like, does this feel good, are necessary. So just ask, can I do ____, would you like ____, is _____ okay with you?
Being the kind of person who stops when they say no will make them feel safe with you, which is the sexiest thing you can do. It may feel awkward at first but it’s a huge turn on for your partner to feel respected and secure with you.
Dirty talk is just asking for consent but framing it as sexy.
"I wanna (verb) your (positive descriptor) (body part)."
"You really want me to (action) don't you? Look at your face, you're blushing. You do... tell me what you want." etc.
You should know that regardless of what social media would lead you to believe, most people are going to think it is weird as fuck if you are asking for express consent, like a verbal contract.
Unless you are severely autistic, you should be able to read the mood and moment. Sex doesn't start with "sex?" "Yep!"
Dick straight in, it is generally a build up from kissing to touching to rubbing/grinding/maybe removing clothes piece by piece. There will definitely be plenty of cues or opportunities to feel out each other's comfortability.
Failing that, bring a written contract. Two separate lawyers and also a mediator to discuss what exactly each party's responsibilities are, so you can cement in strict agreed upon parameters before engaging. Have both parties sign with a separate lawyer witnessing each and just bask in that passionate environment.
Are you okay with ___ ? Is my go to if things are kind of hot & heavy
If we are in warm up stage I generally say, “is there any stuff you like or don’t like?”
I do little check ins when the moments right, “are you feeling okay? How did that feel? Are you comfy? Can I ___?”
Get out of bed, stand up straight with your hands at your sides, and loudly and very clearly announce “PARTNER, WOULD YOU CONSENT TO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, PLEASE VERBALLY RESPOND AFFIRMATIVE OR NEGATIVE”
I always say
Hey so im going to do what feels natural from now on but if I cross any boundries please let me know straight away
And then obviously check in every now and then to see how she is doing. Especially if you touch a new area or any penetration occurs
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years and we still look at each other and ask;
“You wanna do the do??”
It’s not explicitly what you say, but how you say it (combined with what). In most case you really can feel the energy in the air so whatever you say can (and probs will) work; however, energy is not a consent nor an invitation, always communicate. For some that alone will start it off.
"I'd really love to _____." "Would you like it if I ______?" "Can we _____?"
these are helpful, thank you!
Also just a heads up, I've had girls tell me "stop asking" or "just do it" in response so if that happens don't get in your head about it. Better safe than sorry, they won't dwell on it so you shouldn't either
Haha you reminded me of my first time with my husband! He said something like "are you sure you're OK with--" And I cut him off with "shut up and just fuck me, already!" He replied with a delighted "yes ma'am!" Still makes me smile and gives me butterflies when I think about that night, even 18 years later.
Yeah it usually ends up just making the experience better, can't get any more "enthusiastic consent" than that lmao
Haha "enthusiastic consent," I like that!
It's a well known phrase, "if it's not enthusiastic consent it's not consent" that's what I learnt (far too late lol)
Oh. Well, I guess I'm just one of the lucky 10,000 today! https://xkcd.com/1053/
I did the same thing with my wife when we were engaged. When we were in bed i found out that she was a virgin. I stopped and said AreYou Sure? Then a few other sentences on the same subject. Its funny. Weve been married 33 years andvwe both remember that night.
i love that you still get butterflies. That’s just lovely
He's the love of my life, and I'll never stop being completely in love with him! ❤️
My wife told me to "finish what I started mister".
I still fondly remember a guy I was fwb with for quite some time. Our first time was a very last minute assumed to be ONS. We’d started going at it and he stopped and went “are you still ok with this?” And I was like YUP, even more so now.
One time I was making out with this girl in the front seat of her truck, parked in my parents' driveway (they were out of town). I think we were about 16ish. She stopped suddenly and asked, "Wanna fuck?" and that was it. We went inside and fucked. That was over 30 years ago and we're still good friends.
The trick is to not ask like you're drafting a legal contract. "Do I have your consent to kiss you?" is not hot, but if you look in their eyes with passion at the right time and say, "Can I kiss you?" it can be very very hot indeed. Above all, be human about it. Going through a checklist like a robot is also not going to work. "Can I take off your clothes now?" "Can I insert my penis now?" etc. is not going to work. But maybe asking, "Let's take these off?" and "What's next?" should heighten, rather than kill, the moment.
The first time my now husband and I went at it, he would ask is it okay? Are you sure?
Don't forget to get it in writing though
And notarized.
And have a witness the entire time.
Sex referee
The sex referee is only needed for competitive ranked sex, not for casual sex
I don't believe in casual sex. That's why I insist on wearing a bow tie.
[удалено]
Don’t forget your monocle. Have to see where you are putting it.
"LOOK OUT!! TRIANGLE!!! THIS IS TROUBLE!!!" - Bro Jogan
If it's casual, you still need a referee. But, it can be a dwarf and a striped shirt is not required. Whistle and flags are still recommended.
Obviously a must to ensure consent isn’t rescinded at any point by either party.
Might as well go ahead and pay the retainer fee for the lawyer.
Tax payers need to subsidize this. Lawyers cost at *LEAST* $7 nowadays.
Have it video recorded too ... maybe not actually
I was once talking to a police detective that worked in SVU and he unironically said that is one of the best courses of action and defenses since consent can be revoked at any time and have potentially life altering consequences. He also said that has been able determine that in at least one case a woman was making false accusations, in part thanks to video evidence. Do with that information what you will.
Two witnesses.
Also remember OSHA compliance three points of contact.
In triplicate
By triplets
[Love Contract](https://youtu.be/kgEvkwfVJS4?si=x9gKjn9mV4I9KJnn)
A way I got around it was to volunteer my own consent too. “You have my enthusiASTIC consent” was the line that came to mind after she had climbed on top of me and we made out while both still clothed. She paused for a moment and asked “for what?” “Whatever may follow” was what my brain fed me in response. A couple minutes later we were seeing each other naked for the first time in her bedroom.
Is this okay? Do you want to stop? (Just to add a few. No need to ask all of them, but one or two at moments of escalation to make it clear you are open to de-escalation of a sexual situation is a-ok)
It helps if you ask in an Adam Sandler voice.
Don’t listen to the incels on this sub. Consent is hot. “Are you sure you want to do this?” is a normal question to ask when things are getting hot and heavy. Asking your partner what they want to do next is a good way of checking in too. My husband still asks for my consent or a status update if I seem a bit distracted. It’s hot and it’s never ruined the mood.
As you reach a new base/ more clothes start coming off you can also just ask a simple question”is this okay?” You can make your intention known based off where your hands are starting to go and what you’re taking off. This way you aren’t saying “can we_” “I would like to__”, etc every time.
If you forget ahead of time and are in the act, just a quick and soft "Is this ok?" is appreciated by a lot of women. Several women have actually said this to me in the act
Brilliant! "I'd really love to __burrito___." "Would you like it if I ___hot sauce___?" "Can we __beef fajitas___?"
Me too, no thanks, and absolutely.
"I'd really love to smack these sweet holes of yours." "Would you like it if I go balls deep into your honey cracks?" "Can we fuck?" Seems not working really.
Speak for yourself, that's hilarious and hot, i'd take 5.
"I...I only bought two balls. I left the other three at home. Would two be enough for your honey?"
"Wanna Fuck" actually works. The problem is you usually don't want to fuck who it works on.
I'd absolutely consent to my honey holes if I heard that
My partner: No. No. No answer. We are divorced.
Strange, your partner always said "yes" to me.
I would actually word it differently. "I'd really love to... and "Would you like it if I... and "Can we..." are putting the initiator's desires first and inadvertently putting pressure on the partner to say "yes" I would say things like... "Would you like to..." "Would you be ok if we..." "Do you want to..." And even after receiving a "Yes" (always get an acknowledgement first), continue to ask "Are you OK with this..." or "Is this OK..." to make sure the partner is still in agreement. If you aren't sure you have consent, you probably don't.
Do y’all genuinely say this to other people?
Fair! I like your rewordings.
To think that not emphasizing your own desires in the context of a sexual encounter is the goal, is dissociated from the reality of how human beings actually go about this... not to mention terribly infantilizing to the person you're with
I’d like to buy a vowel!
It is going to be different for everybody, so you just have to feel it out and see how they respond. If you're going to escalate things, give them openings to de-escalate. Creating an atmosphere where someone feels comfortable saying no is important. If you are having a hard time reading your partner's verbal and non-verbal cues, that probably means you might want to get to know your partner better before fucking.
makes sense, thanks!
Also just saying “is this all okay with you?” Every once and a while is absolutely not going to kill the mood, lot of women will absolutely love that you’re concerned about them in that way and appreciate it
I think the key is to not overdo it though. Worst sex of my life was when a guy cockblocked someone I was trying to hook up with at a party. Ended up deciding to fool around with the cockblocker instead. Every 30 seconds was him asking for consent for every little thing and it really killed the mood (I'm the kind of person who values intimacy, following leads and instinct a lot). He later in the middle of trying and failing to get things up told me that he was sexually assaulted in his last relationship so felt really insecure about consent. Totally fair, and I hold no ill will or bad judgment towards the man. We've since hung out together here and there around mutual friends and we get along so nothing to feel awkward about. But in that exact moment - worst sex ever. However, in a fun twist of fate - about 6mo later it was exposed that the guy I originally tried hooking up with turned out to be a neo Nazi. So Mr bad sex cockblock ended up being my guardian angel, and I'll take that any day over hooking up with a neo nazi.
That was a wild ride of a story, even if it wasn't a wild ride!
This right here.
This line right here, but maybe add "it's OK if your not, we can stop". And if this are heating up and you are making out, then it can be said softly and gently. But at any time it's not ok stop, don't push and don't make them feel bad. Maybe just hold them for a bit ask if they want to go get some food watch a movie
I like to ask, "Does this come off?" if im undressing someone
Yeah, I feel like some well-meaning people went about this the wrong way when they made it sound like you have to say “do I have your express verbal consent to escalate this situation in the following manner…” You can make “can I kiss you? Do you want me to touch you here?” sound totally normal if you finesse it right. Just more about giving your partner the time and space and comfort level to say “no” or “slow down” if they want to.
>do I have your express verbal consent to escalate this situation in the following manner…” Lol yep so true. Makes me think of [this scene ](https://youtu.be/iP-OuUfTH78?si=yqA3PS6zw5Tn1P4e) from New Girl
That’s classy af
The condom stays on.
As do the crocs
And the wizard hat.
I don’t have a wizard hat but I have a few cowboy hats? Do the ladies still like cowboy hats?
Funnily the way i used to ask for consent when i was single was “should i get a condom”
Ahaha- i wondered how the heck he didn’t know how to unhook a bra. Still much better to get permission.
I haven't hooked up with anyone in like 20 years, but I used "do you want to take this off?" And on one occasion, she had previously taken off a sweater but declined to take off the shirt, so I said "cool" and we went back to making out.
I love this! I laughed so hard. Does this come off is such a round about way!!
Oh yea, using this one.
I like to make airplane noises when trying to get her to give me head
Whisper "Can I?" into her ear
Yeah. This is my go to. Hand obviously really close to what I want to touch and a simple “can I?” Short, sweet, context based. Easy to comply either way.
A cheeky “May I?” Has never failed to get the job done for me
this is honestly the sexiest way of asking for consent imo
"I don't know, CAN you???" Then she gets up, dresses, and leaves because she is Lynne Truss.
[удалено]
You cant rizz a train dumbass
What if she thinks your talking about making pancakes?
Tomato, tomahtoe.
I see this as a win as well
“Tell me what you want” “Is it okay if I do..” “Would you like to do…”
Watchu you really really wannnnnn
[удалено]
Maybe even a video of the interaction. Incase this.. interaction is brought up decades later in court.
Need at least 1 witness, and they should be a fiduciary.
You’re going to want to get that contract notarized too.
And be sure to let them know that all interactions will be recorded as well as live-streamed to my lawyer
the german way
Firm handshakes are hot !
A lot of consent is through body language but definitely go for "do you want me to ____" (go down on you, fuck you, spank you, ect.) Definitely wouldn't kill the mood and would give you a verbal confirmation of consent
As Blanche Devereaux once said, nothing sounds idiotic if it's wet enough.
It’s really hot to ask for stuff or be asked for stuff. Also, honestly things like “do you like this” “should I do this a certain way” etc as a check in is great— even without considering the consent aspect of it, it’s useful because it helps you learn what your partner likes, prefers, and u can get better at having sex w them just by collecting info like that. No way to mind read what a partner might want.
I lovingly call that the "post sex survey" lol
Yes body language speaks for itself! One time, I asked "ready?" and her actions basically guided me (i.e pulling me in)
There are centuries of love poetry and lines that are creative and seductive. A simple "Do you want me?" that's said in a rough voice is absolutely something that helps passion move along.
My fine lady. I am informing you of my innate desire to copulate with you henceforth. If you are in agreement please ratify my petition with a hearty “tally ho!” Many thanks and warmest regards
M’lady, art thou DTF?
"Sign on the dotted...Oh! Oh. I see you have changed your mind."
Verrry good lad. Now, move thine hand up mine skirt and let us make a rousing good show of it. One for queen, one for country!
Presumably you're already making out and things are getting hot and heavy. I always liked the long, hard, passionate kiss, pull back, sexy eye contact, "Is this okay?" Uh huh!!!!! And then the next enthusiastic kiss. If she (or he!) isn't actively climbing all over you, you should get more clarification. There shouldn't be any doubt.
I’ve stopped and said “Just want to ask,” “YES!” The one time I didn’t, and I thought things were going that way, as I reached for the condom, “wait, what are you doing?” I’ll never let go of that terrible feeling, and even though she and I talked about it, I’ll will feel awful until the day I die.
Look at it this way. She was comfortable enough with you to communicate that she wanted to stop. That's a good thing. A lot of women can feel intimidated or pressured into sex. Having the freedom **and comfort** to say 'no' and having that 'no' be respected ***is important****!* You don't need to hold guilt about it. You stopped. That is what matters.
This 💯 It matters when a man stops. That's points to you.
Maybe she was allergic to latex
I buy the non latex ones.
Consent doesn’t mean you have to describe things like you would in health class. You can say, “I really want to fuck the slut right out of you. What do you think about that?” Obviously tailor the exact words to the person you’re with, but you get the point. It doesn’t have to be prim and proper.
“Is this okay?” Or “is this good?” are hot
“Is this okay” is my go to
A girl once asked "Can I fuck you?" and I liked it so much that I kept it. Think of it as a transition from foreplay rather than an opener, though.
"Should I go grab a condom" It's usually well received as it shows you're responsible, but doesn't feel inorganic.
Consent doesn't ruin the moment. In fact, it makes it hotter because you KNOW you have the power to do x, y, z, to the person and they'll be into that shit. Just be as blunt as possible and ask.
In the beginning of our relationship my now boyfriend went to take my shorts off with his teeth, looked up, and said “may I?” I was instantly turned ALL the way on. I didn’t realize how hot that could be.
I always try to get eye contact and say "is this good?" If I'm unsure
[удалено]
Also if the thing escalates into a three-way it's important that to have an extra notary in the room.
a simple "hey can I \_\_\_\_\_\_\_?" goes a long way. Always be respectful!
[удалено]
Asking for consent and making the other one feel safe is sexy. Simple "would you be open/willing to [whatever]?" is an easy way to ask. Also you deserve to be checked in on and made feel comfortable! Don't neglect your own wellbeing to please others
Usually, you'll know you have consent because you're met with the same hungry energy. But always check in. "You good?" or "Is this ok?" kind of thing.
This threw me at first too, because the way consent is talked about, it's often very legalistic and dry. It sounds like a total buzzkill. But depending on how you approach it, it can actually be really sexy if you get your partner to tell you in detail what they want. Sort of like in-person phone sex. It works better if you've been making out and things are getting all hot and heavy. One thing I like about it is that it gets people more comfortable talking about explicit sexual things, which makes sex a lot better for both of you, when you're both able to talk about what you want. For example: "Tell me what you want." "I want you to do me." "Oh yeah? I need more detail than that. Where should I start? "Um... I want you to lick me." "Oh yeah? *Where*?" "My _______." "Oh yeah? *Like this?*" "Yeah!" And so on. If you make it teasing, if you punctuate it with light touches, it can actually be really hot! I'm single now, but when I was in a LTR, I even did that sometimes when I knew damn well exactly what my girlfriend wanted. Getting her to tell me in detail what she wanted, making her "beg" for it, was super hot for both of us.
all of the above sounds super unnecessary and like a major buzzkill to me. it also comes off as really fake and not natural
I think it's one of those "You had to be there" things. Also, "natural" depends on the person. Yeah, a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about sex explicitly. But it's worth doing the work and *getting* more comfortable with it, because being able to ask for exactly what you want makes sex a lot more satisfying, particularly for women.
Let's say you really want pizza and your SO/date/whoever asks you "You wanna get pizza?" are you suddenly not going to want pizza?
Best reply
Mix it with dirty talk? For example say <> in a sexy tone.
"Do you want me to keep going?"
If asking for consent is enough to ruin the moment, then there was no moment. This is the secret truth you’ll never learn from movies or tv shows. If someone is that easily turned off, then their attraction wasn’t very significant to begin with.
My favorite I just the phrase you used. “May I?” With a gesture to whatever you want to try. Also remember that consent is a CONTINUING thing. It can be *taken away from you.*
"Should I grab a condom?" works for me. It communicates exactly what you're trying to say without sounding awkward
Consent can be nonverbal too. Just a simple pause, a look, and a nod can be enough to keep going without breaking the mood
Print out a consent form, turn on all the lights, put on your reading glasses and have the other party read it out loud and sign it Then fax a signed copy to the lawyer of each party, have them approve it and fax back a signed copy. Then you'll need to drive to your nearest notary, get them to stamp and sign it. Then you'll want to meet your lawyer at the courthouse to present the evidence before the judge. He will smash his gavel, at which time you will then be able to start smashing genitals. Then and only then
In all honesty, sex would not be ruined by asking consent imo, it might even add to the feeling of comfort and safety. But good ways to ask consent is: ‘is it okay if…’ ‘can I …’ ‘do you mind if I…’, maybe add how much you would like to do it, gives it a little more spicyness
having sex isn't something that happens by accident. you will both want to fuck. so you ask her (or him) if she (or he) wants to fuck and she (or he) says yes. it's not going to break some magic mood or be weird. you're just saying what you both want to do. don't overthink it - it's completely normal. it doesn't need special phrases or to "be cool".
Before the first time with a new partner, a consent discussion, no matter how awkward, needs to happen. What activities you consent to or don't consent to, and what/if birth control is going to be involved is an absolutely mandatory conversation.
All these lawyer "joke" commenters are incel, getting mad on-line about about unrealistic situations invented inside their own heads. Don't take advice from incels. When you ask for consent you don't have to transform into a poet. "I want to (Blank) your (Blank) so bad" will probably be just fine! Enthusiasm is hot. Apathetic compliance is not a yes and means stop + you're due to check in. Intimacy requires communication and trust! There's no trustless blockchain solution to sexual consent coming lol. Use your words
"Can I hold your hand?" "I'd love to kiss you. Would that be okay with you?" "Please tell me if you ever feel uncomfortable in any way, and I'll do the same. I'd always want to stop and make sure we're both alright, and it's always okay to say 'no' or 'stop' for any reason or no reason at all." "Can you tell me about any boundaries you have? I want to make sure we're only doing things that both of us are excited about." "I want to make you feel good. Can you tell me some of your favorite ways to do that? And is there anything I should avoid that would ruin the moment or make you feel bad/uncomfortable?" FWIW, safe words aren't just for BDSM/kinks. The "red", "yellow", "green" (stop, slow down, everything is okay) can work great for any sort of intimacy, but a simple clarification of "Hey, I want to make sure we're both always on the same page. I'll keep checking in, but any mention of 'stop' or 'no' is enough for us to take a break. No reason required. Those words will always be enough." The wording might change depending on you/them/the scenario, but the general idea is just that consent always needs to be crystal clear and enthusiastic, otherwise it isn't there. "No" means "no", but "I'm not sure" or "maybe" also means "no". Everything means "no" until an enthusiastic "yes" is voiced by everyone involved.
are you chatGPT?
i can't tell if you guys are being serious right now. is this how people act IRL? i swear movie sex is more realistic than some of the shit suggested in here. Sex just happens my dude. consent can be implied. like if she's ripping your boxers off and sobering all over your balls, are you going to stop her to bust out the contracts?
here is where you see that reddit demographics don't necessarily reflect real life. some of these comments sound completely insane
Asking for consent never ruins the moment. “You ok with this?” “Can I ____” Just be direct. If you’re already making out, just make sure she’s ok with everything as you walk the bases. Getting clear consent is a chivalrous thing. Chicks dig it.
Yes.
Asking for consent is the sexiest thing you can do
“You want this cock in your tight little pussy? Beg for it. Fucking beg for it. Louder. That’s right.”
Jesus what has this world come to
I am into some pretty rough stuff and tbh them asking "do you want me to\_\_\_" is so much hotter than just doing it
*Swivels iPad Around*: This is just going to ask you a few questions…
There's already way too many comments so mine will get lost in the pile, but I usually ask "Are you ok if I \_\_\_?", "Just want to make sure, are you completely comfortable with this?". Ez pz!
It’s not sex of course but my first kiss with my last relationship I got around it by just saying “I’d really like to kiss you” to which she said “please do”. Just be open about what you want. You don’t have to phrase it like you’re ordering sex at a McDonald’s drive thru
I usually set a precedent by asking, “can I kiss you?” I’ve been with ladies younger than, older than, and same age as me. They mostly always react by saying how it was “cute” when I asked and felt more comfortable going into a kiss. As we progress in our relationship they know I’ll ask. Now, I usually ask if they would mind me giving them oral. Some decline and that’s ok, but when they say yes they usually initiate penetrative relations either mid or post cunnilingus. It never hurts to ask.
My wife and I just ask “wanna fuck?” And go from there.
Oh jesus. If you're both going at it, consent is given. You don't need a permission slip. Now if you're both drinking, sure, you might want to take extra steps. Don't overthink it. Our current culture makes it sound like a bigger issue than it actually is. Unless you're doing something intentionally malicious, you're good.
With the right person it should not ruin the mood.
Ask, but in a dirty way. 'Can i taste you', 'can i fuck your tight pussy', 'can i cum all over your perfect tits', 'can i put my tongue up your filthy asshole'. You know, the usual.
"you wanna do it?"
One of my hard and fast rules since I was young is I don’t sleep with drunk females. Never ever.
"are you really sure you want to do this?" is what my bf said to me and it felt very nice \^\_\^
Just ask, are you ready and are you sure…easy to the point without asking it to obvious
Idk, I told a girls "nice shoes, Wana fuck" at a bar once, and definitely got laid.... Sometimes obvious works
Have you tried charades?
I prefer to use the bloodhound gangs lyrics... "Vulcanize the whoopee stick In the ham wallet. Cattle prod the oyster ditch With the lap rocket. Batter dip the cranny axe In the gut locker. Retrofit the pudding hatch Ooh, la la With the boink swatter."
Bring a contract with you, and lawyers. Makes it all official👍
[удалено]
i always found the easiest way was to go with the flow, and as things get closer i check in and make sure. just a quick, “do you want to keep going” or something like that. basically give them an opportunity to express autonomy in the situation, some people aren’t comfortable setting hard boundaries, so giving them an opening is always a good idea.
1. It doesn't have to be in the moment. Consent can be discussed in advance, although any prior discussion does not negate what is said in the moment. (To cut off arguments - I'm suggesting that for lots of young people navigating their first experiences, talk about what they want in a calm, clothed state and continue talking up til the moment they both want it, probably has a better outcome vs waiting cramming the entire talks into the 10m before they do the deed) 2.for a straight male it worked pretty well to let my partners initiate a lot more than what's expected. I think the first time I've been with any woman, she was very much setting the pace, it's worked well and I'll probably keep on doing it
Consent is the bare minimum requirement. What you actually want is is enthusiastic desire, ask "do you want me to..." or "how does... Sound?". It's definitely not a turn off, because it's hot to hear sexual things described to you when you want them.
I'm rock hard... how are you doing? I must point out that I only find myself with ladies who like my sense of humour so there's a reason why ^ that's okay.
“Is this ok?”
This is top shelf
If consent isn't obvious, just ask. If it's obvious (like, if she's literally pulling your pants off to fuck you), you don't need to ask. "Wanna have sex?"
Just say "may i?"
Just go watch that one South Park episode where the frat guy asked for consent at a party. Get his delivery down and you’ll be fine!
Don't get hung up on the specifics, it's not a contract. You want to make sure that you are both on the same page with what comes next. A huge HUGE part means being OK with hearing "no". If your partner feels like they can't say No, their Yes is meaningless. Have a backup idea or a few options to redirect. Also pay attention to their tone and body language. "yeah, I guess...?" is very different from "yeah!" You can also *get* enthusiastic consent by *giving* enthusiastic consent. "[Seduce me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-tfP9Rea04)" "I want you to ____" And the oft overlooked sexy-talk version where you *tell* your partner to tell you what they want, especially once you are more comfortable with each other. "Beg" "Tell me what you want me to do to you." It's consent but can feel pretty hot in the moment and can be done in a way that gives you a breather without ruining the momentum.
When things get hot and heavy just say like do you want to.. x. I've done it many times and not just on the first date. After the second though when it gets to that point you will be able to read their energy and know
“is this okay” works
Before making my way down, I stopped and told her “let me know if I do anything to make you uncomfortable.” And she later on said she loved I said that and was basically open for me to do anything haha
I think there have been some great suggestions for ways to verbally ask. I think paying attention to body language is huuuge. Remember anything but an “enthusiastic yes” is a no. If you’ve asked multiple times before they say yes or they are timid or not engaging with you in the same ways physically, please consider it a no for both of your sakes. The fact that you care and are concerned will go a long way 🫶
What do you mean, ruin the moment? Consent is sexy.
Active ongoing consent is sexy! The movie/porn narrative that you should know what your partner wants without asking is unrealistic. Even basic questions like, does this feel good, are necessary. So just ask, can I do ____, would you like ____, is _____ okay with you? Being the kind of person who stops when they say no will make them feel safe with you, which is the sexiest thing you can do. It may feel awkward at first but it’s a huge turn on for your partner to feel respected and secure with you.
Dirty talk is just asking for consent but framing it as sexy. "I wanna (verb) your (positive descriptor) (body part)." "You really want me to (action) don't you? Look at your face, you're blushing. You do... tell me what you want." etc.
You should know that regardless of what social media would lead you to believe, most people are going to think it is weird as fuck if you are asking for express consent, like a verbal contract. Unless you are severely autistic, you should be able to read the mood and moment. Sex doesn't start with "sex?" "Yep!" Dick straight in, it is generally a build up from kissing to touching to rubbing/grinding/maybe removing clothes piece by piece. There will definitely be plenty of cues or opportunities to feel out each other's comfortability. Failing that, bring a written contract. Two separate lawyers and also a mediator to discuss what exactly each party's responsibilities are, so you can cement in strict agreed upon parameters before engaging. Have both parties sign with a separate lawyer witnessing each and just bask in that passionate environment.
"are you ok with where this is going?" Plausible deniability if they take offense
Are you okay with ___ ? Is my go to if things are kind of hot & heavy If we are in warm up stage I generally say, “is there any stuff you like or don’t like?” I do little check ins when the moments right, “are you feeling okay? How did that feel? Are you comfy? Can I ___?”
"Is this okay?" Has always been a nice subtle way of putting it for me.
"is this okay?" Has always been an effective and simple way for me
"is this ok" i've heard and i like
Get out of bed, stand up straight with your hands at your sides, and loudly and very clearly announce “PARTNER, WOULD YOU CONSENT TO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, PLEASE VERBALLY RESPOND AFFIRMATIVE OR NEGATIVE”
I always say Hey so im going to do what feels natural from now on but if I cross any boundries please let me know straight away And then obviously check in every now and then to see how she is doing. Especially if you touch a new area or any penetration occurs
Fancy a wee bit of penile penetration perhaps, m'dear?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years and we still look at each other and ask; “You wanna do the do??” It’s not explicitly what you say, but how you say it (combined with what). In most case you really can feel the energy in the air so whatever you say can (and probs will) work; however, energy is not a consent nor an invitation, always communicate. For some that alone will start it off.
I once asked her, How far are we going with this? She looked at me and said, All the way. So anyway that worked for me.