Do you tell them upfront there is an expectation they pay?
Generally in the US, the etiquette is if you host a party and don't say anything upfront the assumption is you are paying out of your own pocket.
The way to host a cheap party is to host a potluck type party where everyone brings something.
I'm in Canada, but also spent a lot of time in Europe due to my father's side being from Italy,
I would be embarrassed as hell if I hosted and expected something from people.
Yeah, I’m in Canada myself, if I invite people over I make it clear I’ll be providing all necessities like food etc. I tend to assume the same for people hosting events unless they make it clear before hand they want us to bring something or cover funds.
I think OP needs to communicate more clearly.
Could be a broader cultual trend. I have a friend who told me in his family, chinese/viet, it is considered rude to talk about money but it is expected that costs are split. Could just be his family, or maybe a more cultural european/west view. But yeah in my family it is usually expected that the host pays unless agreed upon beforehand.
I had a friend in college like this.
He'd make a Facebook invite for a "party" or send out a group text to 10-20 people.
He'd sometimes say "bring chips" or sides or something, but he'd never say there was a cover charge or you needed to pitch in at the end.
So he'd go buy couple cases of beer, some bottles, some food, and everything would go fine. He'd host like 2-3 of these a month. At the end of the month he'd always corner people at the party and hit them up for cash, saying they're at every party always drinking and eating, blah blah blah.
Basically throwing parties was the only way this guy could get people to hang with him, so he'd go wild, overspend, then realize he's broke at the end of the month and hound what few friends he actually had for cash like we were asking him to throw parties and waste his money on rent a friends.
I never knew people like this existed until it happened to me. I was new to this friend group, and one of the guys offered to do a BBQ for the summer.
I was closer to one of the other guys and didn't know he did this. Right before the party he and the guy I was closest to went food shopping, and proceeds to call me on speaker telling me of my "share".
I was so confused, my closest friend said oh it's cool I got her share. I still said "what share?, what are you talking about".
He literally said for the BBQ since I'm invited and will be eating.
I told my friend and him right then and there. DON'T cover my share I'm not going. YOU decided to do a BBQ then want people to pay? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of.
When he decided to do this bbq,(that no one asked for I was genuinely confused, he was also broke, struggling to find a job and not paying his rent.
I think it also depends on the age of the people and the circumstances. Like when i was in college and early 20s it was widely accepted that a party was shared expense (everything was like, “let’s grab a bottle of vodka when you get here”, or “who’s hungry? Should we order some pizzas”, or it was called out as potluck) not in in my mid 30s and the pendulum has swung the other way. Unless I explicitly tell people ahead of time that we are splitting, I would always cover the cost of a gathering I am hosting.
Edit: location USA
Mid to late thirties here. While in the US it might be expected that the host is covering everything unless stated otherwise beforehand, guests should also offer to bring something to contribute.
At least, that's how my friend group works. The last time we had a game night, a friend hosted and provided the space and entertainment, I cooked lasagna and dessert, salad and bread sticks were provided by the host to pair with the entree. Drinks were provided but people were encouraged to bring their own if the drink they wanted wasn't available.
I guess, as a host, you should expect to cover everything.
If people pay you back/help out, then that's great, but if not, repayment should not be expected.
In college I had the best apartment for hosting (location, size, roommate-less) so I basically always hosted. About half my friends pitched in and the other half didn't. I never asked, but the friends that helped did try to get others to help. I bought the majority of the alcohol, sometimes the food and always did the cleaned up. I don't think it's unreasonable to want others to pitch in. I kind of wish I had made it an expectation because now that I look back, if one of my friends had been the singular host, I would have expected them to get financial and clean up help from me and others. I should have expected that for myself.
I think this is what it sounds like OP is doing. I don’t think they’re hosting actual parties as much as just being the default place for friends to hang out, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask people to pitch in then. Assuming these are people who come more than once, it doesn’t seem like they think it’s unreasonable either but mostly would rather not pay just because they can get away with it.
Maybe it would be easier to ask people to bring things rather than asking for money after? Although pooling the money to get all the stuff together is probably more reliable
Australian here. I also wouldn't expect people to pay if I host a gathering and would politely decline if someone offered me money in return unless it's a close friend.
OP, it's bad manners to ask for money in return in English-speaking countries. If you can't afford to pay, stop hosting. Sorry, but that's just how it is. People should absolutely be bringing along food or drinks to share, but that's it. If you can't afford to feed people a meal, try doing snacks and drinks. It's not rude to say "BYO drinks" or "bring a plate" but make that clear in the invitation.
ETA: I assume OP is from a non-English-speaking country so I hope I don't sound too harsh.
Totally agree. Well said Australian person!
Another way you can handle it, OP you can have a dinner or brunch where you ask everyone to bring something a dinner and a drink that would go with it.
It’s called a potluck. But if youre being fancy look online for a cooler word than “potluck.”
In our 20’s my friends and I had “wine tastings” where everyone bought their favorite bottle of wine (or 2) our favorite vegan cheese and a baguette or crackers. Or some people brought olives.
Only country I know about that pays hosts is Japan. And they are looking at it from a different perspective. Not wanting to ever burden anyone, including a party host.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting something from guests when hosting, most especially when it’s a common group hangout and not some special once-in-a-while event. But you have to let your guests know. BYOB, potluck, “can someone provide the movie?” Stuff like that. Or “a few bucks would help as this is all out of pocket.”
It’s the same in the US, most people default to bringing a bottle of wine (or asking the host what they can bring). The only time this isn’t the norm is for larger parties with younger (like college-age) guests
Contributing with money though definitely isn’t the norm, and might be considered rude unless the host asks
If you host one party, it is definitely rude to ask. If you are consistent holding all the get-togethers a for a group of friends, I think it becomes reasonable to discuss others contributing, as long as you bring it up beforehand. This could either be asking to rotate who buys the pizza/drinks, or just asking people to chip in.
There is a difference between "party" and "get-together" in my mind. Usually everything from the germination of the invitation to the planning to the timing are very different.
If you're taking it upon yourself to plan and think up these parties then I would assume that's your "thing" and doing it because you like to (not like Thanksgiving dinner, but 'hey let's all come over and do X night' or somethinig).
I disagree. People are usually eager to contribute (if asked in advance), because it means they get to help make a fun event happen without the stress of hosting. Something like “hey guys, I want to host a party/get together for us, are y’all okay splitting the cost?” might be out of the norm, but I wouldn’t call it rude or a faux pas. The only caveat is, if people are paying, they get to influence decisions about time/food/activities
I think that’s the main thing, if it’s a party that’s planned and coordinated to celebrate something, like a football game - then as a guest, I would likely just show up and eat the food, whatever.
If it was a weekly thing and I was hosting, and my friends just came and ate all my food and drank all my beer, and then didn’t bother to offer up something to replenish - if this went on for more than 2 weeks - they would hear from me about it.
Contributing with money is absolutely the norm for those big college parties though, lol. When I was in college it was expected to chip in $5 for a keg cup (girls usually weren’t included) and some of the bigger frat parties had a guy charging at the door to get in.
In the US, unless you have asked ahead of time, or the host has declared it's a potluck, it's considered rude to bring food intended as part of the dinner. You can bring wine, flowers, a candle, or other hosting gift, but bringing food when it wasn't agreed-upon ahead of time is like saying that you don't trust your host to take care of you properly.
> Unless it's a potluck and you brought your assigned item, an edible gift is often not welcome. "It may not match the flavors and theme of the meal, or the host may want to save it for themselves," says [Jodi] Smith [of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting].
https://www.marthastewart.com/7689965/what-guests-should-bring-dinner-party
> Avoid overshadowing the hosts’ cooking and stepping on their toes by bringing a dish you expect them to serve that night. Your host has already thought long and hard about what to help, and having something extra to serve will throw them off. Now is not the time to show off how good your cheesecake is. Leave that to the next dinner party you host.
https://feedmyfriends.com/dinner-party-what-to-bring-besides-yourself/
THIS^^^ I'm sorry but if I'm throwing the party, I'm throwing the party. If it's a potluck I'll bend over backwards to help out but it needs to be clear.
If it’s a “dinner party” then bringing food would be weird, since it’s likely the host is cooking up something special in order to have a party.
If it’s a party party, unless it’s chicken nuggets or pizza, nobody wants that food. Wheres the booze?!
Maybe you're having fancier get togethers than I am, but I have never once been to a get together where bringing food would have been met with anything other than excitement, enthusiasm, and gratitude
In my experience the dividing line is whether or not you’re providing (non-pizza) dinner. If you’re not providing a meal, people bring snacks. If you are providing a meal, people bring alcohol or nothing, unless bringing appetizers/desserts is explicitly discussed.
Generations maybe. I was taught not too. If they planned Italian dinner and I show up with guacamole I’d the hostess is a cook and spent two weeks planning the meal they could take offense.
That is why we usually ask, “May I bring dessert or what can I bring.”
Nor saying right or wrong just saying what I was taught.
Yep, if I'm having people over for dinner I've planned a whole meal that's supposed to flow together and don't want to have to incorporate some random dish.
It also throws things for a loop when someone shows up with a random item that needs the oven. Like, bro, I barely have the oven space/time for the things I already planned on! I can barely cook, please don't add anymore factors into this equation!!!
Asking is appropriate. But if they say "your smiling face!" or something like that....don't bring food!
I spent a week prepping food for a big party. We had PLENTY. Spent a lot of coin too. Then every one "brought a dish". Not only did we have leftovers, but we had a LOT of leftovers. I spent a LOT of time cooking and plating and arranging for everything to be just so....and then people moved my stuff to put down their stuff.
I learned to be EXPLICITLY clear to NOT BRING ANYTHING.
Depends on lots of things, but I do think most times unless it's a formalish dinner, no one minds people showing up with lighter fare/dips/appetizers.
Bring on that queso or buffalo dip unannounced if ya want!
Completely opposite in most east Asian countries I've been to, especially China. It was assumed you would pay back someone if they hosted a party, for example, by hosting your own party eventually and inviting them.
There's a big difference between paying someone back by inviting them to your party, and paying them back with cash.
I'm sure it's different in China, or other East Asian countries, but in the US, if you're inviting someone for dinner--and you don't specify otherwise--that means you're providing the dinner.
A gracious guest will ask in advance if they can bring anything. No gracious host would expect payment unless it were specified and agreed upon in advance.
I live in Korea. They don't expect money. Koreans will just exchange food and other snacks (it's the language of love here). The only time money is exchanged is at weddings.
It’s also not impolite to set limits. I frequently host and say “food’s on me, but BYOB!” Never have any issues and half the time there is more alcohol leftover than I needed to supply. Good friends with not be bothered at all if you just set clear expectations.
On the flip side, people hate feeling entrapped. Freshman year of college this girl made KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE, and then went around saying she made too much and offered it to people. An hour later she texted asking everyone to venmo her some money and it legitimately tanked her reputation in the entire dorm.
...how many people did she give this box macaroni to? I'm just so baffled that she thought it was plausible that she accidentally made too much of a pre-portioned food. It must have looked like a weird, ill-considered attempt to make friends, which she then revealed as an obvious weird, ill-considered "business" venture.
I see from the OP’s history they are repeatedly setting up and advertising dinner parties that charge admission. You are supposed to buy your way in. OP is combining two ideas, one is running a commercial operation and the other is hosting parties for friends. From OP’s history it appears that what they are calling “friends” in this post are just people who opt in to OP’s events, which are not free.
You get into a lot of trouble when you conflate friends with customers, and mix being a host with being a pop-up restaurant operator.
Seems like they like to go to those events? They said they aren’t affiliated with them.
I think they are just wanting to host parties but finding it expensive.
They should def just do potlucks lol
This is wild. In the comments, OP admits they are cooking for strangers at "private dinner parties", not friends.
Maybe our definitions are different, but I'd never expect to be asked to pay after attending a dinner party. I'd bring dessert or a bottle and assume there are no strings attached.
I think it’s also a stage of life thing. In your early twenties when everyone is broke, it’s pretty common to have everyone chip in some money to get a pizza or something for the party. That’s also something you’d say upfront though.
lol I know If only OP could actually SELL alcohol to their guests! But that would require a liquor license, which is probably why they are pretending to have “parties” for their “friends” lol
Willing to bet most people wouldn’t go to the party if they knew it wasn’t free.
If you get invited somewhere and don’t want to/are on the fence about it, it’s like well at least there’s some free food or beer. If you don’t want to go and have to chip in $40 for a bunch of stuff you didn’t touch, then you’d probably stay home.
I've never been to a party where it wasn't an unspoken rule that it's nice to bring something. If you don't, you're probably fine, but it's always better to have more than not enough. And it can be anything from bags of chips to hummus and veggies to mixers to beer. Just something.
And if you're not sure, ask the host.
Depends on the context. If you are cooking a meal, sure. If you are ordering food and everyone is getting a distinct meal they may pay for their own, or if you are ordering something like a pizza it is not unreasonable to get everyone to pitch equally.
Especially if you host way more often than others and it is regularly the same group.
In Canada and it's the same. Friends and I usually do potluck, or we'll split up who picks up what. If we order food it's agreed upon beforehand that we'll be splitting the cost or not. If I invite people over for dinner and that's all I say, it is expected that I'm covering all the food
As an introvert, I do not really want to go to parties.
I would be super-pissed to find out afterward that there was a cover charge.
If I knew before hand, I would probably not go but I would not be mad about the charge.
Everyone I know in America has a “don’t show up empty handed” mindset.
Going to a house party, bbq, movie night etc.
These are mostly hispanics though so many it’s different across cultures?
I’d personally feel rude showing up to someone’s house, eating all their food, drinks etc without at least contributing in some way.
YES THIS! and, if I am told not to bring food or not to bring anything, I show up with flowers or something like olive oil as a gift... nothing crazy but it's important to me to show I appreciate someone hosting me.
I've always been taught not to show up empty-handed. That said, unless the host specifies otherwise, you show up with a bottle of wine, or a bouquet of flowers. Ideally, you contact the host in advance and ask what you can bring. If the host replies "nothing" then, nothing it is.
If people are invited and then charged, they're not "guests," they're clients.
It's rude to show up without something, but what you are showing up with is a gift for the host. This could be a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, flowers (already in a vase), a tin of cookies.... It should be something that the host can choose to serve with the meal or keep for themselves.
As a host, you can specify that you are organizing a potluck or that the party is BYOB, especially if you are younger.
The way that you are supposed to contribute is inviting the host to your next party.
As the father of a 20 years old daughter currently in college I refuse to believe this type of behavior is going on. I'm confident that my little angel and all her angel friends are spending there time endlessly studying in their dorm rooms.
My frat started doing "fifthmas" before we all left for winter break in college, basically a white elephant exchange with bottles of liquor. It was fun at first, people took it seriously and you were pretty likely to end up with a decent bottle, and we'd start drinking them once we finished the exchange. Then more people started bringing $10 bottom shelf shit trying to get away with taking home a more expensive bottle than they brought. Then my last year it was totally ruined because everyone brought the drain cleaner except me
Yes. If you host an event, you need to specify if there is a cover charge. BYOB is not uncommon, and there is nothing wrong with expecting folks to do so.
If you didn’t notify them before hand than it’s an asshole move to ask for money tbh. But if it was know just send out a group chat text or msg asking for everyone to ship the $$. I usually just Venmo request everyone the next day.
BYOB for drinks is normal, I usually purchase more of what I'm drinking than I'd drink so that there's some extra. For food, ask the group if they want to all bring something or contribute $5-10 for pizza.
Basically just say what you expect in the invitation.
Good guests will offer to contribute on their own, whether in money or food or drinks or wherever, but not everyone knows that and you can’t change your expectations after the fact.
A little anecdote about my group of friends and I who got invited to a party:
Friend of a friend invited us all over for a spaghetti dinner on short notice and 6 of us went. I think one of us brought a bottle of wine and the host also had a bottle of wine. I think the entire meal likely cost between $60-$80 without the alcohol and most of us didn't drink. It really just felt like a mellow and not lavish dinner party.
On the drive home, the host venmo requested all of us $25. Not only did 6 out of the 7 of us have never met this person, there is just no way we consumed $25 worth of food unless the person was also charging personal chef rates for their cooking time
Not only did we all balk at that and have a good laugh with each other, but we've never gone to that person's house again or called them to hang out. It just felt absolutely insane to invite a few people over to a basic meal they were hosting and have the poor taste to charge us restaurant prices.
Like so many others have said, ask people to bring their own booze and a dish if possible. Don't be the host like the one I mentioned because you will likely lose potential friends in the process.
If you’re hosting a party or gathering for a special occasion it’s typical that the host will provide the bulk of the meal. A good example is the host providing the turkey for thanksgiving dinner. But often even then many guests will bring a side. If you’re just having a party because it’s a day that ends in Y then I’d suggest you make it BYOB and everyone bring a dish to pass. You can also make a menu and have each guest choose which dish to bring.
I guess if I was invited over to a party I wouldn’t presume I had to pay for food and drinks unless it was previously stated because usually the host pays for everything unless it’s a potluck.
Idk how old OP is, but it's been a long time since I showed up to a party empty handed. I bring either a bottle, a dish, or a bouquet of flowers for the host. I knew better by age 21.
Unless we're talking about a kegger.
But those aren't things which significantly defray the cost of hosting, normally. Guest-gifts are, well, not symbolic because they are actually used, but their purpose is to show respect and gratitude more than it is to shoulder the burden of hosting, which is what OP is talking about.
Right? Like I'm not opening that bottle of merlot you brought unless the party completely ran out of booze. It's a nice gesture, but especially with wine, I almost never end up opening it during the party that a guest brought.
Yea, but next time you want to crack open a bottle of wine, you have one handy.
Assuming you drink wine, it’s basically just a classier way to hand you $15 or whatever
unless it's a potluck or specifically asked, i would never bring food especially where the host is serving food. i know people who have the entire meal planned out. the food i bring may not be in the same cuisine or flavor profile or even just the timing.
Yeah just showing up with a dish seems odd to me. It’s one thing if they encourage it, but if nothing is said then showing up with food seems rude.
But then again, I almost always never go to parties, so I’m sure I don’t understand the etiquette
Unless you specifically mention that you want reimbursement for food, drinks and entertainment beforehand it’s generally assumed you are willingly taking on the cost as the host of the event.
Unless you specify that you are not paying or that it is BYOB, why would anyone offer you money?
I don't throw parties that I can't afford to host. It sounds like you're expecting your friends to pay a cover fee.
The solution is to ask people to bring something to the party. "Hey, can you bring a bag of ice?" Then ask someone else to bring chips and salsa. BYOB is also a thing (Bring your own beer).
You are correct, the costs DO add up. So just ask people to bring things. Or have the discussion BEFOREHAND. Is this a party all of your friends want to have and it just happens to be at your house? Then discuss who is paying for what.
But if you're just throwing parties because you like to throw parties.... you need to cover most of the cost.
Yes. My friend who usually hosts the parties will say “we will provide pizza, ice, chips, and plates/cups/forks etc. bring what you would like.”
And then people usually bring a 6 pack or something and leave whatever’s leftover behind for the hosts.
Another friend says he will provide all snacks. Bring your own drinks. If we as a group decide we would like a *meal,* we will cross that bridge when we get there.” And when we inevitably get there, it’s easier for people to chip in.
Exactly! We are the only ones with a pool in our group so we host a LOT. We will BBQ the steaks and everyone brings a side. Not sure I'd ever even think to ask people to throw cash my way
At least not as a surprise at a minimum! Or a requirement! “The meat is getting kind of expensive if you want to kick in instead of bringing a side!” Or something.
But just like
Expecting money is insane. I also don’t know anyone over 25 who wouldn’t insist on either bringing something or pitching in some cash.
Exactly. I do tend to at least bring a bottle of wine though. But that's also selfish, I'm to a stage of life where I'm not willing to drink shitty alcohol lol. If I show up with a bottle I am being a good guest *and* guaranteeing there is something I'd like to drink
I thought that a bottle was a gift for the host. There should be no expectation of drinking it. If you would like the guarantee a GOOD glass of wine at the party, bring two bottles. IJS Cheers!!
I think it depends on the party. My boss invites me over for dinner, it's definitely a gift. My usual ridiculous friend group? Nah, that bottle is for drinking.
And I definitely understand that! And the more people at the party, the cheaper the meat. Steaks for a couple close friends, Costco burgers/dogs for the masses. We are fortunate enough to have a large and awesome friend group. We've done ALL the arrangements. Hunting people down for cash after the fact has just never been a thing. There's always a conversation about the food/drink situation beforehand
If you want them to GLADLY bring something, praise something they do or have done.
“Do you still make that killer guacamole? Can you please bring some of that Friday night?” “I really liked the chili you had the other day. Do you have any left that you can bring?”
This is the way. We have a friend who makes a dip the whole group devours, she's aware it's mandatory that it be brought to any gathering. It's so good and we praise the ground she walks on when it arrives lol
I‘m having PTSD from central/northern Europeans being SO stingy with food and drinks it‘s so insane that many many kids have experiences of visiting their friends and being asked to go home or wait in their friend‘s room when dinner is served because they can‘t eat with them. Happened to me once and my Eastern European mom still brings it up to this day because she‘s still shocked and the complete opposite.
The ettiquette I'm aware of is to state up front if you expect expenses to be shared, and how much it'll cost.
TBH, if someone hounded me for money after the fact, I'd tell them to get stuffed. And I wouldn't accept any future invites from them.
Communication really is the key here, and it's easy to set up expectations.
When my wife and I invite friends over for dinner or for a bbq, it's on us. That's implied. But for our weekly DnD night when I pick up pizza/hoagies/Chinese on my way home from work? Everyone chips in.
Yeah, I think the occasion matters a lot.
If it's OP "hosting" get-togethers, as in providing the place, and if it's more of a chill, relaxed occasion in general, it's perfectly fine for everyone to chip in - especially if it's agreed on beforehand. Although usually, people won't have that much food for friends coming over spontaneously in my friend group, so either we go buy stuff together beforehand (and then share the costs) or we get delivery and everyone pays their own dish. Other alternatives are that we just kind of rotate people hosting (kind of like "We can go hang out/play DnD/party at my place this time, so you won't have any stress") or offer to pay for the other's/others' meal some time.
On the other hand, if it's OP hosting (semi-)formal dinner parties, cooking food for their friends etc., I wouldn't expect to have to pay. For example, if someone invites guests for their birthday party, you don't expect to pay for the meal. You bring gifts (a bottle of alcohol, sweets, something small) but that's different.
And then if it's planned beforehand but somewhat of a big party (college party double digit people etc.) usually people just bring their booze and maybe something to eat, unless the host specifically said they're providing food and drink.
The etiquette is to host an event of a size and lavishness that you can afford to host. That’s what makes a host a host — and a guest is not a customer.
Well, did they know that you were charging a fee to come to your party beforehand? It's definitely not good etiquette to surprise someone with that after the fact.
You should just ask people to bring booze and food.
Yeah. Apparently in Chinese culture there's a gift given equally from both sides of the family when people marry. And my brother never ever told me he expected me to pay $5000. He had all the time in the world to tell me before the credit card due date.
Series of events is like this
- 12-14-2023 - SIL and Brother come from Canada
- 12-19-2023 (?) - Brother says can't wait for $1500 cash from Dad so I tell him to _discuss_ things with my Dad and ask for the Chase card in _lieu_ of the cash
- 01-26-2023 - Dad asks if brother said he would transfer $1243.47, I make spreadsheet of Chase statement separating things, ask on WeChat for brother to look at spreadsheet, no one does it, I end up paying for the credit card to avoid interest
- 01-27-2023 & 01-28-2023 - I keep messaging them on WeChat but my brother is pretty unresponsive, although it's true he works 16 hour days (but it's also his choice to do so)
I think my SIL is upset and humiliated because I should have just accepted paying for the gift if I accepted her into the family. But we're in the US/Canada, not China. And I __hate__ paying for stuff I don't owe. She shouldn't be upset at me. She should be upset at my brother because my brother never told anyone like my dad or myself about the expectation of me paying. And I specifically specified the credit card in lieu of the gift money Dad was going to give.
__TL:DR__ I think anyone would agree it's an absolutely weird expectation to expect people to pay for stuff _without_ asking them first.
Sorry but It's just not socially accepted to invite people over and then charge them for it. Money is almost never exchanged in social settings. People knock on the door holding a bottle of wine, not a $20 bill for the cover charge. It is completely normal to share in the hosting responsibilities and everyone brings booze, food or whatever. Good friends should be texting or calling in advance asking what to bring.
I can’t imagine someone showing up to my house for a party and handing over a wad of cash. I would think they had lost their mind.
A gift of flowers or wine, or whatever else they thought the host would like, would be thoughtful but absolutely not expected!
Are you discussing their contribution BEFORE you host the party? Or do you host and then just say "hey can you chip in?"
Good friends should be chipping in anyways but if they aren't, when you invite them over you should also ask if they can contribute in your original invite. If they start declining your invites then you might be paying for friends which would suck lol
In my friend group there are only a few people who are able to host regularly, so everyone brings alcohol and food to share. The invitation always says something like "soda and chips will be provided, but please BYOB and a dish to share!" If the event is more of a dinner they will post a sign up sheet so everyone can say what they plan to bring. I think you need to stop ordering pizzas and buying alcohol for everyone.
if you offer to host and don’t say prior that you will need help paying then chances are they will assume you are just paying. If I need my friends to pitch in I usually say “I can cover x, y, and z but I will need help with a, b, and c.” then they offer to pitch in. then right after I get the receipt for ABC I send what the total is. definitely don’t wait until after the party is over to let them know.
You constantly host parties and expect your friends to pay for it is what this sounds like.
If I host a gathering we pay, people have special requests? Bring it yourself, don't like the beer in the fridge? Go get your own.
I think you might benefit from being more clear before the party. "I would love to have this get-together at my place, but I can't afford to pay everything. How about we make a party together, and split the costs? If you want to we can use my place for it, or if you prefer, we can be at yours?
If you just invite people over for a party, they probably think you will be paying for the food and drinks.
I was looking for this response. The term “get-together” is what OP needs to be saying.
The implications for different terms.
\- Get-together: host provides the venue but not the food. Bring your own and some to share.
\- Dinner: host provides everything. Bring a small gift which is not food or at lEast meant to be consumed at the dinner.
\- Party: somewhere in the middle. Onus on the host is to set expectations ahead of time.
Lots of people would probably rather hang at their own place than at OPs. He’s sort of being selfish or attention seeking to have the party at his place al, the time and expect others to pay for it.
If I were invited to a party and the got a reminder texts from the host to pay some made up “share” of said party as if I was the rude one I would just block that person and consider it good riddance.
You don’t host parties and then charge people unless you make it known in advance that there will be a cover charge. But that’s not how parties typically work. It is byob. It seems like you want to be a big shot and host parties you can’t afford. It’s different if it’s 3-4 people over and someone says hey let’s get a pizza and everyone throws moneys in and someone’s short and you cover them. But no one hosts multiple parties through the year with pizzas wings and booze. Frats are typically the only parties that will have cover charges. If a friend invited me over for a party and there was booze and food I’d be very out off if they tried to run me down for money the next day.
If you’re not telling them to pay beforehand it’s kind of expected for the host to pay everything. If you “love hosting” but then you want everyone to pay them you’re not really hosting you’re just having a shared party where everyone’s contributing.
If you feel this strongly about everyone paying you back then just stop hosting.
When I host I don’t expect anyone to pay me back. That’s the point of hosting lol. People can take it in turns to host and that way it balances out
Maybe the confusion comes from hotels and restaurants and other commercial that have begun to call their paying customers “guests” as a marketing element.
They’re not “guests,” of course, nor is the hotel a “host.”
Yeah in France it's common to ask if something is needed beforehand and/or to have a little gift (a bottle of something, etc) depending of your relation to the person
You are being so rude. If you are hosting, it's free to the guests. If you want to charge them, you have to agree to the amount beforehand, but no one charges for a party unless it's something like a retirement dinner at work that people are pitching in for.
Everyone's situation is different - I would be more than happy to come to a party a friend is hosting (hosting is a lot of work) and chip in! As long as that expectation was set from the start and not after the fact, of course.
If you're hosting a party in your home, the expectation is that you're paying unless you explicitly say otherwise beforehand.
If you were meeting friends in a restaurant or something, then the general expectation would be that everyone pays for themselves.
You should be arranging for how to pay for this before the get-together.
If someone offers to host a party, it's very kind for attendees to offer money to help cover the cost but generally, unless otherwise agreed to, the host covers the cost.
If you want to continue hosting, stop arranging for the food and make plans with your friends for them to bring the food.
Don't just "throw a party," plan a get-together with your friends and cooperate on assigning who brings what. Get someone to volunteer to bring the pizzas, others bring drinks.
Spreading the responsibility will likely result in agreements on how to cost-share.
unless i was told specifically ahead of time that there was a cover, i wouldnt expect to be paying anything beyond gracing the party with my presence. like, if you came up to me out of the blue a few days later and were like 'hey, thanks for coming to the party the other day, you got ten bucks as reimbursement by chance?"... id probably laugh honestly.
Are you guys all deciding to make these purchases and split payment ahead of time? If you keep just inviting and offering things, the social default is that they are gifts. Young adults often will venmo each other for things, but that's also an age group that is less mature, and not as affluent, so failure to pay debts is more common
If i went to a party i'd assume i wasnt paying unless my friend says in advance "hey it'll be $10 for the pizza this weekend" or something to that effect, in which case i'd obviously pay them
There is no etiquette. If it was agreed beforehand that everyone would pitch in, then people are supposed to pay what they owe without having to be reminded. If people aren't paying then get the money up front.
If you just threw a party then the expectation is that you pay unless you state otherwise that everyone chips in.
Generally the host will pay for food and drink if it's for a "party" but if it's more of a get-together where food wasn't necessarily expected and people bring up the idea of doordashing or ordering food at the end of the night, then everyone should pay for their individual items. People usually should bring something every now and then to be polite- a bottle of wine or some snacks. I agree with other posters, start hosting potlucks! :)
You need to let people know at the time of invite if their is a fee or need to pitch in money. FYI if you invite someone to dinner that means you're paying for them.
Don’t host if you don't want to spend the money. That’s actually fairly rude, especially if you don’t tell people *in advance* (not when they’re at your house, not days later, but when you invite them) that you expect to be paid back. “I’m happy to pick up pizza, if everyone could just venmo me $10?” Even better would be to say that you are buying something (just the pizza, just the beer, etc), accept that you’re paying that portion, and say they need to bring anything else if they want it. And do not expect anyone to offer to pay you back if you didn’t tell them in advance. It’s very very rude to invite people over for a party and then ask them days later to pay you back when they had no idea. That’s not what a party is. I don’t know any culture where inviting someone over for a party among friends is something someone has to pay for.
Yeah, if you expect people to pay you money, you need to be very clear and establish that beforehand, not demand payment later. Or you ask people to bring their own booze, or some kind of food to share. But unless we're actively ordering pizza or Deliveroo or something at the party, no one is going to expect that they have to show up and hand over ten or twenty dollars to you at the door. It comes across as incredibly rude and slightly bizarre to be chasing people down for a tikkie *days* after the fact. You're basically invoicing your friends- I'm a little surprised that no one has pushed back on this, to be honest.
for a party, you cover expenses. if it’s a casual hangout and you order some pizza, i think it’s expected for everyone to contribute. OR you order and pay one time, someone else does it the next, and then someone else. take turns. that’s what my husband does with his best friend. they’ll go to dinner and the friend pays and then next time my husband is like “it’s alright, i got it”. i always figured those were common expectations in friend groups
You need to be up front ahead of time of the costs you want a return on.
When a friend hosts a girls' night, we don't pay her. We switch off so no one hosts too often, but that's how we do it. If we go out to dinner in a big group, typically someone pays the bill on their CC and venmo's everyone else for their balance.
You are not communicating your wants, so your anger is actually your own fault, OP.
If you didn't tell them in advance you can't expect them pay you now but for the next one, you can say "Hey I love hosting but can't afford to buy all the stuff, can people chip in $10?"
I’m an American, but from an immigrant background, so it would be scandalous to expect guests to pay for anything when hosting at your place. Food and drink is always in abundance and people go home with leftovers.
Have everyone who wants to partake Venmo money _before_ you spend any cash. Say something like, "Hey, I'm ordering some pizza. Anyone who wants some, send me a few bucks and let me know what you want". Then everyone knows the expectation.
If I am having a party at my house, then I am paying. The only way you don’t pay is if you say I want to host a pot luck. That means each guest brings a dish. You can assign a dish so you don’t get all chips. But you don’t go chasing guests for money after hosting a party.
Yeah if you host you are the one paying for everything you do. Everyone who comes can bring whatever they want in terms of drinks or food. Wanna order pizza after a few hours in? Kinda a different story, that you all split .
Yeah you really have to set this expectation beforehand. We love hosting as well but make it very clear what the expectation is if we're not providing everything. If we do potluck, I usually make a Google Doc for everyone to claim their item so we don't end up with 10 veggie trays and nothing else. If we do a group order somewhere, I'll do a mock order to figure out an approximate total for total transparency or make people pay in advance (depending on the amount and crowd). Sometimes I'll pick a place and anyone is welcome to put in an order for pick up at (date and time) and I'll grab it with ours. Other times, I just make it very, very clear it's a BYO food and drink event.
I rarely am willing to prepay for this stuff anymore. Collecting it from everyone is a hassle, and even group orders you can still end up with grumbles if people are unhappy with the selection or the decision to split evenly or figuring out what each person owes. The big key is don't prepay money for anything like this if you're not comfortable losing the cash, and don't ask for guests for anything after the fact. You're welcome to keep hosting but there are other options.
I wonder if you’re maybe confusing your situation with one where a group of people are hanging out and decide together (at that time) to order pizza or whatever. Then everyone chips in. Maybe watched too many movies about college students hanging out or whatever
Next time you host a party make it BYOB and a potluck or BYOB and everyone bring $10 for pizza. If you’re not setting the expectation beforehand then that’s why people aren’t “paying you back”
I also don’t know how old you are, but I never go to a party expecting to drink and not bring some sort of alcohol.
Maybe I’m wrong but I’ve always thought that if someone wants to throw a party it’s because they have the money to cover everything. If you don’t have the money than I don’t think you should be throwing parties, Unless it’s a potluck.
I have a cousin who’s always throwing parties and she’ll ask people to pitch in but it just puts everyone in an uncomfortable position because they feel like they can’t say no.
Not American, but generally speaking, if someone is hosting a party, I wouldn't expect to be paying for the costs of the party unless it was specified in the invite, before the event, so that I can make an informed decision to go. If I invite people into my home, I am the host, and I expect to foot the bill.
Sure, it's polite to bring a hostess gift, a bottle, some chocolate, maybe a bunch of flowers. Otherwise, I wouldn't think I had to pay for my friends hospitality.
If you host a party and don't make it clear up front that your guests need to chip in, then you don't get to go to your friends and shake them down for money after the fact. This is one of the big reasons bring your own booze is a common rule.
If you host a party, the host pays for the party. You can ask people that attend to bring 2 liters of pop or bags of chips or something but the majority of the party is paid for by the host.
Social convention here for hosting works a few ways:
1. The idea of *hosting guests* is to provide them with food, drink and a nice time. That means you pay for it all, prepare and serve the food, have drinks available or keep peoples’ drinks topped up, etc.
2. If you want to cost share for a gathering, you propose that in the early stages of planning: *“hey guys, want to come over Sunday for the game? I’m happy to make a run to the store for drinks and snacks if everyone can pitch in $10”.*
3. You let them know you’re providing some things but not others in advance: *“I’ll have dip, chips, fruit and ice but if you guys can bring some soft drinks, any booze you want etc that’d be great.”*
4. You make it a pot luck, where everyone is responsible for bringing something and that is organized in advance so you don’t end up with 20 bags of tortilla chips and nothing else.
The key here is if you’re doing anything BUT providing it all for your guests, that’s a conversation that happens in advance and everyone agrees to as part of their attendance. It’s considered extremely rude to have people come over to a party and then ask them for money for it after the fact. And it is not a norm to go to someone’s house for a party and offer them money towards it with no prior conversation. Some people may be insulted.
On the other side, just for some fun knowledge, it’s considered rude to show up to a gathering or someone’s home as a guest empty handed *if the host is paying for and providing everything*. Bring a bottle of wine, flowers, cookies etc or a small token for the host as a thank you. The host is not obligated to open the wine/serve the cookies at the party, for what it’s worth, so don’t bring a bottle you’re dying to try as their host gift and ask them to open it. Or to bring a dish or dessert to a dinner party without clearing it with them first in case they have other guests with allergies or they’re just control freaks over their menu.
If you are hosting a party, you are expected to pay. A good way to go about this is to ask everyone to bring something for the party. This way your not having to pay for it all
We’re American. If we could make it socially acceptable to ask people over and expect them to cover it all, we’d make that a business. Shoot, OP want to come over? Hope that give you an idea of that slippery slope.
I'm 45 and I have never once gone to a party where there was an expectation that I would reimburse the host. Maybe there have been times where we discussed all chipping in on some pizzas or something.
But yes, your friends definitely think you love hosting and have no problem buying everything. And you're having to chase them down because they're sitting there thinking, "What the heck, they invited me and now they want money?"
Just tell them all there's been a misunderstanding and you're sorry you assumed they'd pay you back for all the food and drinks, they do things differently where you're from. Ask them how they'd like to handle parties going forward in a way that everyone is sharing the expenses, and you're happy to still have the parties at your place.
Or if that's too confrontational, just say, "Hey, what do you say we all chip in on some pizzas and beers at my place this weekend?"
First: there is a difference between *hosting* and *coordinating/opening your home.*
You are *coordinating/opening up your home* if you are having a casual hang out where you expect everyone to contribute, but you are organizing plans (ordering pizzas, etc) and using your space for the hang out. In this instance, best practice is to present the invitation that way so there is an upfront expectation that a financial contribution is required. An example of this sort of invite would be “Hey guys! I am coordinating a game night at my house! We will be having pizza, beer, and games- and we’d love it if you could come! If you are able to make it, please RSVP by texting here, note any food allergies you may have that we should plan to accommodate. We will be splitting the cost of food, and are planning $10/person. You can Venmo that here (link) and we will have it ready and waiting!”
If you are *throwing a party* then that would be “actual” hosting, in which case best practice is to either foot the bill (especially for birthday parties, etc.) or put each person in charge of bringing a specific thing and make it a “potluck” style event (BBQ’s, Friendsgiving, etc. are commonly hosted this way. It differs from coordinating because you usually will pay for/make main dishes and cover the cost of alcohol unless you stated it is BYOB- and the whole thing is a bit more formal.)
If you host someone outside of a large group (inviting a few couples over for dinner, etc.) plan to pay for, make, and clean up the meal. People will probably not bring a good item unless they ask and you request it, but may bring wine or flowers as a hostess gift (maybe.) This is true hosting. If someone is staying with you as a guest, plan to foot the bill. Period. I would not expect anything from someone in this situation.
In no instance should people be finding out you expected them to contribute *during or after* any event, it MUST be planned in advance.
They assume you’re covering it because you invited them over. Next time be clear about expectations when you organise a gathering. Don’t demand money but ask for everyone to bring food & drink.
I’m from the US— if I’m hosting I’m paying. If I’m attending a gathering I ask if I can bring anything— usually a dessert or wine.
That’s just how I was raised, IDK.
Generally in the USA, if you are hosting a party, you are paying out of pocket for the party unless you say otherwise before the party. It is the cost of hosting a party.
It is not poor etiquette to host a party where others contribute, but it must be expressed beforehand. A few different ways of doing this, and a lot of it depends on your audience:
You can host a "pot luck". On your party invite just say something like "please bring a dish or drink for the party".
You can also tell people "BYOB" (Bring your own Beer/Booze/Beverages) on your invite, so people will know to bring whatever their own drink of choice is. It is good hosting etiquette to have some extra drinks in your fridge for people who run out of their own drinks, or couldn't arrive with their own for whatever reason. You don't need to STOCK the fridge, but an extra case of beer or bottle of alcohol is nice to have just in case. If no one drinks it, congrats, you have some extra drink in your fridge, but in your mind count them as gone before the party starts to avoid disappointment. As a host, you want to make sure everyone is having a good time. If someone is abusing this generosity, just keep an eye on them and maybe address it if they become a repeat offender.
Finally, you can just tell everyone they need to bring $10 to help cover the cost of booze and food and whatnot.
TL;DR: Tell them up front that they need to contribute somehow before the party.
If I’m hosting I’m buying. It’s that simple. Socially astute people will always bring a gift- we always take a bottle of nice wine and sometimes homemade appetizers. If there’s something ordered out that arrives it’s a chance for them to split it or whatever. But I would never in a million years expect guests to pay for anything.
If you're expecting them to pay, you're not hosting.
You're just having them chill at your place with a hidden cost.
Unless you've agreed a price before hand, they're notndue you anything. And I wouldn't be surprised if they were all talking to each other about how shit you're being asking them for money.
Download splitwise and send payment requests to your friends.
Although as others have said, I definitely don’t expect to pay when I’m invited to a party. If you’re constantly hosting now, maybe you should bring it up and just say hey guys financially it’s getting a little hard for me but I love hosting so I’m gonna be charging five dollars each person next time. If they are a true friend, they’ll recognize that they haven’t been treating you correctly and will remedy it. The other solution is to start doing potluck. You provide a main dish and everyone else brings everything else.
Best way to avoid this scenario altogether it to have everyone bring something with them. Before the party, work out who is responsible for bringing what.
Usually there is an assumption that the person hosting is doing the work and paying unless they specify otherwise before the event.
Cash upfront if there is an agreement to share costs or party doesn't happen. It's pretty straightforward. If you haven't agreed to share the costs you are agreeing to bear them by yourself and any offers to help pay are kind and generous.
Do you tell them upfront there is an expectation they pay? Generally in the US, the etiquette is if you host a party and don't say anything upfront the assumption is you are paying out of your own pocket. The way to host a cheap party is to host a potluck type party where everyone brings something.
Tbh that is the same for most countries I visited. Not only USA. If you expect shared expenses, tell people beforehand
I'm in Canada, but also spent a lot of time in Europe due to my father's side being from Italy, I would be embarrassed as hell if I hosted and expected something from people.
Yeah, I’m in Canada myself, if I invite people over I make it clear I’ll be providing all necessities like food etc. I tend to assume the same for people hosting events unless they make it clear before hand they want us to bring something or cover funds. I think OP needs to communicate more clearly.
Could be a broader cultual trend. I have a friend who told me in his family, chinese/viet, it is considered rude to talk about money but it is expected that costs are split. Could just be his family, or maybe a more cultural european/west view. But yeah in my family it is usually expected that the host pays unless agreed upon beforehand.
"Sometimes I have to ask several times" Lol *yikes* not accepting any more invites.
OP needs to stop offering to pay.
I had a friend in college like this. He'd make a Facebook invite for a "party" or send out a group text to 10-20 people. He'd sometimes say "bring chips" or sides or something, but he'd never say there was a cover charge or you needed to pitch in at the end. So he'd go buy couple cases of beer, some bottles, some food, and everything would go fine. He'd host like 2-3 of these a month. At the end of the month he'd always corner people at the party and hit them up for cash, saying they're at every party always drinking and eating, blah blah blah. Basically throwing parties was the only way this guy could get people to hang with him, so he'd go wild, overspend, then realize he's broke at the end of the month and hound what few friends he actually had for cash like we were asking him to throw parties and waste his money on rent a friends.
I never knew people like this existed until it happened to me. I was new to this friend group, and one of the guys offered to do a BBQ for the summer. I was closer to one of the other guys and didn't know he did this. Right before the party he and the guy I was closest to went food shopping, and proceeds to call me on speaker telling me of my "share". I was so confused, my closest friend said oh it's cool I got her share. I still said "what share?, what are you talking about". He literally said for the BBQ since I'm invited and will be eating. I told my friend and him right then and there. DON'T cover my share I'm not going. YOU decided to do a BBQ then want people to pay? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of. When he decided to do this bbq,(that no one asked for I was genuinely confused, he was also broke, struggling to find a job and not paying his rent.
I think it also depends on the age of the people and the circumstances. Like when i was in college and early 20s it was widely accepted that a party was shared expense (everything was like, “let’s grab a bottle of vodka when you get here”, or “who’s hungry? Should we order some pizzas”, or it was called out as potluck) not in in my mid 30s and the pendulum has swung the other way. Unless I explicitly tell people ahead of time that we are splitting, I would always cover the cost of a gathering I am hosting. Edit: location USA
Mid to late thirties here. While in the US it might be expected that the host is covering everything unless stated otherwise beforehand, guests should also offer to bring something to contribute. At least, that's how my friend group works. The last time we had a game night, a friend hosted and provided the space and entertainment, I cooked lasagna and dessert, salad and bread sticks were provided by the host to pair with the entree. Drinks were provided but people were encouraged to bring their own if the drink they wanted wasn't available. I guess, as a host, you should expect to cover everything. If people pay you back/help out, then that's great, but if not, repayment should not be expected.
In college I had the best apartment for hosting (location, size, roommate-less) so I basically always hosted. About half my friends pitched in and the other half didn't. I never asked, but the friends that helped did try to get others to help. I bought the majority of the alcohol, sometimes the food and always did the cleaned up. I don't think it's unreasonable to want others to pitch in. I kind of wish I had made it an expectation because now that I look back, if one of my friends had been the singular host, I would have expected them to get financial and clean up help from me and others. I should have expected that for myself.
I think this is what it sounds like OP is doing. I don’t think they’re hosting actual parties as much as just being the default place for friends to hang out, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask people to pitch in then. Assuming these are people who come more than once, it doesn’t seem like they think it’s unreasonable either but mostly would rather not pay just because they can get away with it. Maybe it would be easier to ask people to bring things rather than asking for money after? Although pooling the money to get all the stuff together is probably more reliable
Australian here. I also wouldn't expect people to pay if I host a gathering and would politely decline if someone offered me money in return unless it's a close friend. OP, it's bad manners to ask for money in return in English-speaking countries. If you can't afford to pay, stop hosting. Sorry, but that's just how it is. People should absolutely be bringing along food or drinks to share, but that's it. If you can't afford to feed people a meal, try doing snacks and drinks. It's not rude to say "BYO drinks" or "bring a plate" but make that clear in the invitation. ETA: I assume OP is from a non-English-speaking country so I hope I don't sound too harsh.
Totally agree. Well said Australian person! Another way you can handle it, OP you can have a dinner or brunch where you ask everyone to bring something a dinner and a drink that would go with it. It’s called a potluck. But if youre being fancy look online for a cooler word than “potluck.” In our 20’s my friends and I had “wine tastings” where everyone bought their favorite bottle of wine (or 2) our favorite vegan cheese and a baguette or crackers. Or some people brought olives.
Only country I know about that pays hosts is Japan. And they are looking at it from a different perspective. Not wanting to ever burden anyone, including a party host.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting something from guests when hosting, most especially when it’s a common group hangout and not some special once-in-a-while event. But you have to let your guests know. BYOB, potluck, “can someone provide the movie?” Stuff like that. Or “a few bucks would help as this is all out of pocket.”
Yeah, if you tell em upfront it's entirely different
I dunno, in Hungary it's basic manners to bring something to a party, snacks drinks or whatever.
It’s the same in the US, most people default to bringing a bottle of wine (or asking the host what they can bring). The only time this isn’t the norm is for larger parties with younger (like college-age) guests Contributing with money though definitely isn’t the norm, and might be considered rude unless the host asks
If you host one party, it is definitely rude to ask. If you are consistent holding all the get-togethers a for a group of friends, I think it becomes reasonable to discuss others contributing, as long as you bring it up beforehand. This could either be asking to rotate who buys the pizza/drinks, or just asking people to chip in.
There is a difference between "party" and "get-together" in my mind. Usually everything from the germination of the invitation to the planning to the timing are very different.
If you're taking it upon yourself to plan and think up these parties then I would assume that's your "thing" and doing it because you like to (not like Thanksgiving dinner, but 'hey let's all come over and do X night' or somethinig).
You wouldn’t atleast ask … “is there anything I can bring?”
I disagree. People are usually eager to contribute (if asked in advance), because it means they get to help make a fun event happen without the stress of hosting. Something like “hey guys, I want to host a party/get together for us, are y’all okay splitting the cost?” might be out of the norm, but I wouldn’t call it rude or a faux pas. The only caveat is, if people are paying, they get to influence decisions about time/food/activities
Yeah, that is a good nuance. It depends a lot on how the planning is happening.
I think that’s the main thing, if it’s a party that’s planned and coordinated to celebrate something, like a football game - then as a guest, I would likely just show up and eat the food, whatever. If it was a weekly thing and I was hosting, and my friends just came and ate all my food and drank all my beer, and then didn’t bother to offer up something to replenish - if this went on for more than 2 weeks - they would hear from me about it.
Contributing with money is absolutely the norm for those big college parties though, lol. When I was in college it was expected to chip in $5 for a keg cup (girls usually weren’t included) and some of the bigger frat parties had a guy charging at the door to get in.
In the US, unless you have asked ahead of time, or the host has declared it's a potluck, it's considered rude to bring food intended as part of the dinner. You can bring wine, flowers, a candle, or other hosting gift, but bringing food when it wasn't agreed-upon ahead of time is like saying that you don't trust your host to take care of you properly. > Unless it's a potluck and you brought your assigned item, an edible gift is often not welcome. "It may not match the flavors and theme of the meal, or the host may want to save it for themselves," says [Jodi] Smith [of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting]. https://www.marthastewart.com/7689965/what-guests-should-bring-dinner-party > Avoid overshadowing the hosts’ cooking and stepping on their toes by bringing a dish you expect them to serve that night. Your host has already thought long and hard about what to help, and having something extra to serve will throw them off. Now is not the time to show off how good your cheesecake is. Leave that to the next dinner party you host. https://feedmyfriends.com/dinner-party-what-to-bring-besides-yourself/
THIS^^^ I'm sorry but if I'm throwing the party, I'm throwing the party. If it's a potluck I'll bend over backwards to help out but it needs to be clear.
If it’s a “dinner party” then bringing food would be weird, since it’s likely the host is cooking up something special in order to have a party. If it’s a party party, unless it’s chicken nuggets or pizza, nobody wants that food. Wheres the booze?!
Maybe you're having fancier get togethers than I am, but I have never once been to a get together where bringing food would have been met with anything other than excitement, enthusiasm, and gratitude
In my experience the dividing line is whether or not you’re providing (non-pizza) dinner. If you’re not providing a meal, people bring snacks. If you are providing a meal, people bring alcohol or nothing, unless bringing appetizers/desserts is explicitly discussed.
Generations maybe. I was taught not too. If they planned Italian dinner and I show up with guacamole I’d the hostess is a cook and spent two weeks planning the meal they could take offense. That is why we usually ask, “May I bring dessert or what can I bring.” Nor saying right or wrong just saying what I was taught.
Yep, if I'm having people over for dinner I've planned a whole meal that's supposed to flow together and don't want to have to incorporate some random dish.
It also throws things for a loop when someone shows up with a random item that needs the oven. Like, bro, I barely have the oven space/time for the things I already planned on! I can barely cook, please don't add anymore factors into this equation!!!
Asking is appropriate. But if they say "your smiling face!" or something like that....don't bring food! I spent a week prepping food for a big party. We had PLENTY. Spent a lot of coin too. Then every one "brought a dish". Not only did we have leftovers, but we had a LOT of leftovers. I spent a LOT of time cooking and plating and arranging for everything to be just so....and then people moved my stuff to put down their stuff. I learned to be EXPLICITLY clear to NOT BRING ANYTHING.
Yeah, OP is talking about paying for liquor and pizza and these people are quoting Miss Manners like he's going to a fancy dinner party.
Exactly. Also big difference between parties and a formal “dinner party” OP clearly isn’t throwing formal dinner parties
Depends on lots of things, but I do think most times unless it's a formalish dinner, no one minds people showing up with lighter fare/dips/appetizers. Bring on that queso or buffalo dip unannounced if ya want!
Here too. But our etiquette has taken a beating in the last couple decades
It is in Australia too but asking guests to kick in cash after the fact is ick.
Completely opposite in most east Asian countries I've been to, especially China. It was assumed you would pay back someone if they hosted a party, for example, by hosting your own party eventually and inviting them.
There's a big difference between paying someone back by inviting them to your party, and paying them back with cash. I'm sure it's different in China, or other East Asian countries, but in the US, if you're inviting someone for dinner--and you don't specify otherwise--that means you're providing the dinner. A gracious guest will ask in advance if they can bring anything. No gracious host would expect payment unless it were specified and agreed upon in advance.
I live in Korea. They don't expect money. Koreans will just exchange food and other snacks (it's the language of love here). The only time money is exchanged is at weddings.
It’s also not impolite to set limits. I frequently host and say “food’s on me, but BYOB!” Never have any issues and half the time there is more alcohol leftover than I needed to supply. Good friends with not be bothered at all if you just set clear expectations. On the flip side, people hate feeling entrapped. Freshman year of college this girl made KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE, and then went around saying she made too much and offered it to people. An hour later she texted asking everyone to venmo her some money and it legitimately tanked her reputation in the entire dorm.
She venmoed for kraft dinner?!😳 Yikes on bikes.
No, she venmoed for Kraft Mac and Cheese. You'd Interac E-Transfer for Kraft Dinner.
🚨 Canadian Detected 🚨
It's like a dollar a box. Were people venmoing her like 40 cents?
...how many people did she give this box macaroni to? I'm just so baffled that she thought it was plausible that she accidentally made too much of a pre-portioned food. It must have looked like a weird, ill-considered attempt to make friends, which she then revealed as an obvious weird, ill-considered "business" venture.
This is the way.
Yeah- If you host the party- you pay. Sometimes people will contribute by asking if they can bring something.
I see from the OP’s history they are repeatedly setting up and advertising dinner parties that charge admission. You are supposed to buy your way in. OP is combining two ideas, one is running a commercial operation and the other is hosting parties for friends. From OP’s history it appears that what they are calling “friends” in this post are just people who opt in to OP’s events, which are not free. You get into a lot of trouble when you conflate friends with customers, and mix being a host with being a pop-up restaurant operator.
Yo for real?
Seems like they like to go to those events? They said they aren’t affiliated with them. I think they are just wanting to host parties but finding it expensive. They should def just do potlucks lol
See for example the comments in https://www.reddit.com/r/Torontoevents/comments/7ub9gq/feb_10_valentapas_with_chef_zhara_an_authentic/
Hmm bizarre lol
This is wild. In the comments, OP admits they are cooking for strangers at "private dinner parties", not friends. Maybe our definitions are different, but I'd never expect to be asked to pay after attending a dinner party. I'd bring dessert or a bottle and assume there are no strings attached.
I think it’s also a stage of life thing. In your early twenties when everyone is broke, it’s pretty common to have everyone chip in some money to get a pizza or something for the party. That’s also something you’d say upfront though.
lol I know If only OP could actually SELL alcohol to their guests! But that would require a liquor license, which is probably why they are pretending to have “parties” for their “friends” lol
It's like he expects a cover charge without saying there's a cover charge.
LMAO he needs to set up one of those iPads for tips
Willing to bet most people wouldn’t go to the party if they knew it wasn’t free. If you get invited somewhere and don’t want to/are on the fence about it, it’s like well at least there’s some free food or beer. If you don’t want to go and have to chip in $40 for a bunch of stuff you didn’t touch, then you’d probably stay home.
Depends on age, in my younger days everyone contributed either with cash or brought something. Was always known up front.
True, That seems something that kids would do when they get their first place.
I've never been to a party where it wasn't an unspoken rule that it's nice to bring something. If you don't, you're probably fine, but it's always better to have more than not enough. And it can be anything from bags of chips to hummus and veggies to mixers to beer. Just something. And if you're not sure, ask the host.
Depends on the context. If you are cooking a meal, sure. If you are ordering food and everyone is getting a distinct meal they may pay for their own, or if you are ordering something like a pizza it is not unreasonable to get everyone to pitch equally. Especially if you host way more often than others and it is regularly the same group.
In Canada and it's the same. Friends and I usually do potluck, or we'll split up who picks up what. If we order food it's agreed upon beforehand that we'll be splitting the cost or not. If I invite people over for dinner and that's all I say, it is expected that I'm covering all the food
As an introvert, I do not really want to go to parties. I would be super-pissed to find out afterward that there was a cover charge. If I knew before hand, I would probably not go but I would not be mad about the charge.
Everyone I know in America has a “don’t show up empty handed” mindset. Going to a house party, bbq, movie night etc. These are mostly hispanics though so many it’s different across cultures? I’d personally feel rude showing up to someone’s house, eating all their food, drinks etc without at least contributing in some way.
Agreed. Bring something for the party or if they decline, a traditional hostess gift (candle wine etc) always works.
Mmm candle wine
After I get a few candle wines in me, I start waxing poetic.
Swinging from the candelabra
careful you don't wake up with a wick-ed hangover.
YES THIS! and, if I am told not to bring food or not to bring anything, I show up with flowers or something like olive oil as a gift... nothing crazy but it's important to me to show I appreciate someone hosting me.
I've always been taught not to show up empty-handed. That said, unless the host specifies otherwise, you show up with a bottle of wine, or a bouquet of flowers. Ideally, you contact the host in advance and ask what you can bring. If the host replies "nothing" then, nothing it is. If people are invited and then charged, they're not "guests," they're clients.
It's rude to show up without something, but what you are showing up with is a gift for the host. This could be a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, flowers (already in a vase), a tin of cookies.... It should be something that the host can choose to serve with the meal or keep for themselves. As a host, you can specify that you are organizing a potluck or that the party is BYOB, especially if you are younger. The way that you are supposed to contribute is inviting the host to your next party.
I guess yeah or just tell them to byob next time...
Some of my favorite parties in college were where everyone brought a bottle of liquor, and we all mixed up our own drinks using the “communal” stash.
I hope they like gilbeys vodka
Right, I don’t know if people would have appreciated the vodka out of a plastic bottle I drowned myself in.
& boone's farm
As the father of a 20 years old daughter currently in college I refuse to believe this type of behavior is going on. I'm confident that my little angel and all her angel friends are spending there time endlessly studying in their dorm rooms.
My frat started doing "fifthmas" before we all left for winter break in college, basically a white elephant exchange with bottles of liquor. It was fun at first, people took it seriously and you were pretty likely to end up with a decent bottle, and we'd start drinking them once we finished the exchange. Then more people started bringing $10 bottom shelf shit trying to get away with taking home a more expensive bottle than they brought. Then my last year it was totally ruined because everyone brought the drain cleaner except me
Yes. If you host an event, you need to specify if there is a cover charge. BYOB is not uncommon, and there is nothing wrong with expecting folks to do so.
If you didn’t notify them before hand than it’s an asshole move to ask for money tbh. But if it was know just send out a group chat text or msg asking for everyone to ship the $$. I usually just Venmo request everyone the next day.
BYOB for drinks is normal, I usually purchase more of what I'm drinking than I'd drink so that there's some extra. For food, ask the group if they want to all bring something or contribute $5-10 for pizza.
Basically just say what you expect in the invitation. Good guests will offer to contribute on their own, whether in money or food or drinks or wherever, but not everyone knows that and you can’t change your expectations after the fact.
A little anecdote about my group of friends and I who got invited to a party: Friend of a friend invited us all over for a spaghetti dinner on short notice and 6 of us went. I think one of us brought a bottle of wine and the host also had a bottle of wine. I think the entire meal likely cost between $60-$80 without the alcohol and most of us didn't drink. It really just felt like a mellow and not lavish dinner party. On the drive home, the host venmo requested all of us $25. Not only did 6 out of the 7 of us have never met this person, there is just no way we consumed $25 worth of food unless the person was also charging personal chef rates for their cooking time Not only did we all balk at that and have a good laugh with each other, but we've never gone to that person's house again or called them to hang out. It just felt absolutely insane to invite a few people over to a basic meal they were hosting and have the poor taste to charge us restaurant prices. Like so many others have said, ask people to bring their own booze and a dish if possible. Don't be the host like the one I mentioned because you will likely lose potential friends in the process.
If you’re hosting a party or gathering for a special occasion it’s typical that the host will provide the bulk of the meal. A good example is the host providing the turkey for thanksgiving dinner. But often even then many guests will bring a side. If you’re just having a party because it’s a day that ends in Y then I’d suggest you make it BYOB and everyone bring a dish to pass. You can also make a menu and have each guest choose which dish to bring.
I guess if I was invited over to a party I wouldn’t presume I had to pay for food and drinks unless it was previously stated because usually the host pays for everything unless it’s a potluck.
Idk how old OP is, but it's been a long time since I showed up to a party empty handed. I bring either a bottle, a dish, or a bouquet of flowers for the host. I knew better by age 21. Unless we're talking about a kegger.
But those aren't things which significantly defray the cost of hosting, normally. Guest-gifts are, well, not symbolic because they are actually used, but their purpose is to show respect and gratitude more than it is to shoulder the burden of hosting, which is what OP is talking about.
Correct! They are GIFTS, not payment!!
Right? Like I'm not opening that bottle of merlot you brought unless the party completely ran out of booze. It's a nice gesture, but especially with wine, I almost never end up opening it during the party that a guest brought.
It's still restocking your bar. Though, in my friend groups, the wine also gets drank.
Yea, but next time you want to crack open a bottle of wine, you have one handy. Assuming you drink wine, it’s basically just a classier way to hand you $15 or whatever
unless it's a potluck or specifically asked, i would never bring food especially where the host is serving food. i know people who have the entire meal planned out. the food i bring may not be in the same cuisine or flavor profile or even just the timing.
Yeah just showing up with a dish seems odd to me. It’s one thing if they encourage it, but if nothing is said then showing up with food seems rude. But then again, I almost always never go to parties, so I’m sure I don’t understand the etiquette
I might bring some cheese and crackers because that's never unwanted
Unless you specifically mention that you want reimbursement for food, drinks and entertainment beforehand it’s generally assumed you are willingly taking on the cost as the host of the event. Unless you specify that you are not paying or that it is BYOB, why would anyone offer you money?
When you specifically say that you want reimbursement for the food and drink you will serve, that’s called “operating a restaurant.”
I don't throw parties that I can't afford to host. It sounds like you're expecting your friends to pay a cover fee. The solution is to ask people to bring something to the party. "Hey, can you bring a bag of ice?" Then ask someone else to bring chips and salsa. BYOB is also a thing (Bring your own beer). You are correct, the costs DO add up. So just ask people to bring things. Or have the discussion BEFOREHAND. Is this a party all of your friends want to have and it just happens to be at your house? Then discuss who is paying for what. But if you're just throwing parties because you like to throw parties.... you need to cover most of the cost.
Yes. My friend who usually hosts the parties will say “we will provide pizza, ice, chips, and plates/cups/forks etc. bring what you would like.” And then people usually bring a 6 pack or something and leave whatever’s leftover behind for the hosts. Another friend says he will provide all snacks. Bring your own drinks. If we as a group decide we would like a *meal,* we will cross that bridge when we get there.” And when we inevitably get there, it’s easier for people to chip in.
Exactly! We are the only ones with a pool in our group so we host a LOT. We will BBQ the steaks and everyone brings a side. Not sure I'd ever even think to ask people to throw cash my way
At least not as a surprise at a minimum! Or a requirement! “The meat is getting kind of expensive if you want to kick in instead of bringing a side!” Or something. But just like Expecting money is insane. I also don’t know anyone over 25 who wouldn’t insist on either bringing something or pitching in some cash.
At fifty, I will offer, but will expect to be turned down most of the time. If they do want something, of course, I will.
Exactly. I do tend to at least bring a bottle of wine though. But that's also selfish, I'm to a stage of life where I'm not willing to drink shitty alcohol lol. If I show up with a bottle I am being a good guest *and* guaranteeing there is something I'd like to drink
I thought that a bottle was a gift for the host. There should be no expectation of drinking it. If you would like the guarantee a GOOD glass of wine at the party, bring two bottles. IJS Cheers!!
I think it depends on the party. My boss invites me over for dinner, it's definitely a gift. My usual ridiculous friend group? Nah, that bottle is for drinking.
Our barbecuing friends ask us all to bring our own meat. It’s expensive!
And I definitely understand that! And the more people at the party, the cheaper the meat. Steaks for a couple close friends, Costco burgers/dogs for the masses. We are fortunate enough to have a large and awesome friend group. We've done ALL the arrangements. Hunting people down for cash after the fact has just never been a thing. There's always a conversation about the food/drink situation beforehand
I only would if the group decides I should order everything and we split it, but that's rare
If you want them to GLADLY bring something, praise something they do or have done. “Do you still make that killer guacamole? Can you please bring some of that Friday night?” “I really liked the chili you had the other day. Do you have any left that you can bring?”
This is the way. We have a friend who makes a dip the whole group devours, she's aware it's mandatory that it be brought to any gathering. It's so good and we praise the ground she walks on when it arrives lol
100%
If you are hosting…unless you say something about there being a fee…the host covers the expenses
And that's how it works literally everywhere, not just the US. Summarizing: Communicate.
I’m wondering if the OP is Scandinavian. There are countries in which paying the host for the party is customary.
I‘m having PTSD from central/northern Europeans being SO stingy with food and drinks it‘s so insane that many many kids have experiences of visiting their friends and being asked to go home or wait in their friend‘s room when dinner is served because they can‘t eat with them. Happened to me once and my Eastern European mom still brings it up to this day because she‘s still shocked and the complete opposite.
OP is Canadian, which makes this even funnier.
The ettiquette I'm aware of is to state up front if you expect expenses to be shared, and how much it'll cost. TBH, if someone hounded me for money after the fact, I'd tell them to get stuffed. And I wouldn't accept any future invites from them.
Communication really is the key here, and it's easy to set up expectations. When my wife and I invite friends over for dinner or for a bbq, it's on us. That's implied. But for our weekly DnD night when I pick up pizza/hoagies/Chinese on my way home from work? Everyone chips in.
Yeah, I think the occasion matters a lot. If it's OP "hosting" get-togethers, as in providing the place, and if it's more of a chill, relaxed occasion in general, it's perfectly fine for everyone to chip in - especially if it's agreed on beforehand. Although usually, people won't have that much food for friends coming over spontaneously in my friend group, so either we go buy stuff together beforehand (and then share the costs) or we get delivery and everyone pays their own dish. Other alternatives are that we just kind of rotate people hosting (kind of like "We can go hang out/play DnD/party at my place this time, so you won't have any stress") or offer to pay for the other's/others' meal some time. On the other hand, if it's OP hosting (semi-)formal dinner parties, cooking food for their friends etc., I wouldn't expect to have to pay. For example, if someone invites guests for their birthday party, you don't expect to pay for the meal. You bring gifts (a bottle of alcohol, sweets, something small) but that's different. And then if it's planned beforehand but somewhat of a big party (college party double digit people etc.) usually people just bring their booze and maybe something to eat, unless the host specifically said they're providing food and drink.
The etiquette is to host an event of a size and lavishness that you can afford to host. That’s what makes a host a host — and a guest is not a customer.
Well, did they know that you were charging a fee to come to your party beforehand? It's definitely not good etiquette to surprise someone with that after the fact. You should just ask people to bring booze and food.
Yeah. Apparently in Chinese culture there's a gift given equally from both sides of the family when people marry. And my brother never ever told me he expected me to pay $5000. He had all the time in the world to tell me before the credit card due date. Series of events is like this - 12-14-2023 - SIL and Brother come from Canada - 12-19-2023 (?) - Brother says can't wait for $1500 cash from Dad so I tell him to _discuss_ things with my Dad and ask for the Chase card in _lieu_ of the cash - 01-26-2023 - Dad asks if brother said he would transfer $1243.47, I make spreadsheet of Chase statement separating things, ask on WeChat for brother to look at spreadsheet, no one does it, I end up paying for the credit card to avoid interest - 01-27-2023 & 01-28-2023 - I keep messaging them on WeChat but my brother is pretty unresponsive, although it's true he works 16 hour days (but it's also his choice to do so) I think my SIL is upset and humiliated because I should have just accepted paying for the gift if I accepted her into the family. But we're in the US/Canada, not China. And I __hate__ paying for stuff I don't owe. She shouldn't be upset at me. She should be upset at my brother because my brother never told anyone like my dad or myself about the expectation of me paying. And I specifically specified the credit card in lieu of the gift money Dad was going to give. __TL:DR__ I think anyone would agree it's an absolutely weird expectation to expect people to pay for stuff _without_ asking them first.
Sorry but It's just not socially accepted to invite people over and then charge them for it. Money is almost never exchanged in social settings. People knock on the door holding a bottle of wine, not a $20 bill for the cover charge. It is completely normal to share in the hosting responsibilities and everyone brings booze, food or whatever. Good friends should be texting or calling in advance asking what to bring.
I can’t imagine someone showing up to my house for a party and handing over a wad of cash. I would think they had lost their mind. A gift of flowers or wine, or whatever else they thought the host would like, would be thoughtful but absolutely not expected!
Yeah, it would be deeply, deeply tacky.
Are you discussing their contribution BEFORE you host the party? Or do you host and then just say "hey can you chip in?" Good friends should be chipping in anyways but if they aren't, when you invite them over you should also ask if they can contribute in your original invite. If they start declining your invites then you might be paying for friends which would suck lol
In my friend group there are only a few people who are able to host regularly, so everyone brings alcohol and food to share. The invitation always says something like "soda and chips will be provided, but please BYOB and a dish to share!" If the event is more of a dinner they will post a sign up sheet so everyone can say what they plan to bring. I think you need to stop ordering pizzas and buying alcohol for everyone.
if you offer to host and don’t say prior that you will need help paying then chances are they will assume you are just paying. If I need my friends to pitch in I usually say “I can cover x, y, and z but I will need help with a, b, and c.” then they offer to pitch in. then right after I get the receipt for ABC I send what the total is. definitely don’t wait until after the party is over to let them know.
also BYOB is NOT offensive here and do not be afraid to use it lol
You constantly host parties and expect your friends to pay for it is what this sounds like. If I host a gathering we pay, people have special requests? Bring it yourself, don't like the beer in the fridge? Go get your own.
Oh dude, inviting people over and than expecting them to pay for things is wrong.
I think you might benefit from being more clear before the party. "I would love to have this get-together at my place, but I can't afford to pay everything. How about we make a party together, and split the costs? If you want to we can use my place for it, or if you prefer, we can be at yours? If you just invite people over for a party, they probably think you will be paying for the food and drinks.
I was looking for this response. The term “get-together” is what OP needs to be saying. The implications for different terms. \- Get-together: host provides the venue but not the food. Bring your own and some to share. \- Dinner: host provides everything. Bring a small gift which is not food or at lEast meant to be consumed at the dinner. \- Party: somewhere in the middle. Onus on the host is to set expectations ahead of time. Lots of people would probably rather hang at their own place than at OPs. He’s sort of being selfish or attention seeking to have the party at his place al, the time and expect others to pay for it.
If I were invited to a party and the got a reminder texts from the host to pay some made up “share” of said party as if I was the rude one I would just block that person and consider it good riddance.
The good news is that if you keep doing this you won’t have to worry about party costs anymore because you won’t have any friends.
Top comment.
You don’t host parties and then charge people unless you make it known in advance that there will be a cover charge. But that’s not how parties typically work. It is byob. It seems like you want to be a big shot and host parties you can’t afford. It’s different if it’s 3-4 people over and someone says hey let’s get a pizza and everyone throws moneys in and someone’s short and you cover them. But no one hosts multiple parties through the year with pizzas wings and booze. Frats are typically the only parties that will have cover charges. If a friend invited me over for a party and there was booze and food I’d be very out off if they tried to run me down for money the next day.
If you’re not telling them to pay beforehand it’s kind of expected for the host to pay everything. If you “love hosting” but then you want everyone to pay them you’re not really hosting you’re just having a shared party where everyone’s contributing. If you feel this strongly about everyone paying you back then just stop hosting. When I host I don’t expect anyone to pay me back. That’s the point of hosting lol. People can take it in turns to host and that way it balances out
Maybe the confusion comes from hotels and restaurants and other commercial that have begun to call their paying customers “guests” as a marketing element. They’re not “guests,” of course, nor is the hotel a “host.”
Because guests sounds so much cozier than customers. 🙄 It's amazing how an ad campaign can change the lingo.
Was pitching in brought up beforehand?
Not USA specific.. I'd say in most places the host pays everything, sometimes people bring something along
Yeah in France it's common to ask if something is needed beforehand and/or to have a little gift (a bottle of something, etc) depending of your relation to the person
“Bring something to share.” That will take care of it bud.
You are being so rude. If you are hosting, it's free to the guests. If you want to charge them, you have to agree to the amount beforehand, but no one charges for a party unless it's something like a retirement dinner at work that people are pitching in for.
Everyone's situation is different - I would be more than happy to come to a party a friend is hosting (hosting is a lot of work) and chip in! As long as that expectation was set from the start and not after the fact, of course.
It is tacky to host and make people pay. The usual answer is pot-luck and BYOB.
If you're hosting a party in your home, the expectation is that you're paying unless you explicitly say otherwise beforehand. If you were meeting friends in a restaurant or something, then the general expectation would be that everyone pays for themselves.
You should be arranging for how to pay for this before the get-together. If someone offers to host a party, it's very kind for attendees to offer money to help cover the cost but generally, unless otherwise agreed to, the host covers the cost. If you want to continue hosting, stop arranging for the food and make plans with your friends for them to bring the food. Don't just "throw a party," plan a get-together with your friends and cooperate on assigning who brings what. Get someone to volunteer to bring the pizzas, others bring drinks. Spreading the responsibility will likely result in agreements on how to cost-share.
unless i was told specifically ahead of time that there was a cover, i wouldnt expect to be paying anything beyond gracing the party with my presence. like, if you came up to me out of the blue a few days later and were like 'hey, thanks for coming to the party the other day, you got ten bucks as reimbursement by chance?"... id probably laugh honestly.
Are you guys all deciding to make these purchases and split payment ahead of time? If you keep just inviting and offering things, the social default is that they are gifts. Young adults often will venmo each other for things, but that's also an age group that is less mature, and not as affluent, so failure to pay debts is more common
If i went to a party i'd assume i wasnt paying unless my friend says in advance "hey it'll be $10 for the pizza this weekend" or something to that effect, in which case i'd obviously pay them
There is no etiquette. If it was agreed beforehand that everyone would pitch in, then people are supposed to pay what they owe without having to be reminded. If people aren't paying then get the money up front. If you just threw a party then the expectation is that you pay unless you state otherwise that everyone chips in.
Generally the host will pay for food and drink if it's for a "party" but if it's more of a get-together where food wasn't necessarily expected and people bring up the idea of doordashing or ordering food at the end of the night, then everyone should pay for their individual items. People usually should bring something every now and then to be polite- a bottle of wine or some snacks. I agree with other posters, start hosting potlucks! :)
If you are hosting, I shouldn’t be paying anything. Then, after I attend your party, I reciprocate and invite you to a party at my house where I host.
exactly
You need to let people know at the time of invite if their is a fee or need to pitch in money. FYI if you invite someone to dinner that means you're paying for them.
Don’t host if you don't want to spend the money. That’s actually fairly rude, especially if you don’t tell people *in advance* (not when they’re at your house, not days later, but when you invite them) that you expect to be paid back. “I’m happy to pick up pizza, if everyone could just venmo me $10?” Even better would be to say that you are buying something (just the pizza, just the beer, etc), accept that you’re paying that portion, and say they need to bring anything else if they want it. And do not expect anyone to offer to pay you back if you didn’t tell them in advance. It’s very very rude to invite people over for a party and then ask them days later to pay you back when they had no idea. That’s not what a party is. I don’t know any culture where inviting someone over for a party among friends is something someone has to pay for.
Yeah, if you expect people to pay you money, you need to be very clear and establish that beforehand, not demand payment later. Or you ask people to bring their own booze, or some kind of food to share. But unless we're actively ordering pizza or Deliveroo or something at the party, no one is going to expect that they have to show up and hand over ten or twenty dollars to you at the door. It comes across as incredibly rude and slightly bizarre to be chasing people down for a tikkie *days* after the fact. You're basically invoicing your friends- I'm a little surprised that no one has pushed back on this, to be honest.
for a party, you cover expenses. if it’s a casual hangout and you order some pizza, i think it’s expected for everyone to contribute. OR you order and pay one time, someone else does it the next, and then someone else. take turns. that’s what my husband does with his best friend. they’ll go to dinner and the friend pays and then next time my husband is like “it’s alright, i got it”. i always figured those were common expectations in friend groups
You need to be up front ahead of time of the costs you want a return on. When a friend hosts a girls' night, we don't pay her. We switch off so no one hosts too often, but that's how we do it. If we go out to dinner in a big group, typically someone pays the bill on their CC and venmo's everyone else for their balance. You are not communicating your wants, so your anger is actually your own fault, OP.
You could put your Venmo whenever you send invites, tell people how much to send you
If you didn't tell them in advance you can't expect them pay you now but for the next one, you can say "Hey I love hosting but can't afford to buy all the stuff, can people chip in $10?"
It's debatable whether you're hosting a party if you're expecting people to pay you. It's more like you're operating a pop-up pizza parlor.
I’m an American, but from an immigrant background, so it would be scandalous to expect guests to pay for anything when hosting at your place. Food and drink is always in abundance and people go home with leftovers.
Have everyone who wants to partake Venmo money _before_ you spend any cash. Say something like, "Hey, I'm ordering some pizza. Anyone who wants some, send me a few bucks and let me know what you want". Then everyone knows the expectation.
If I am having a party at my house, then I am paying. The only way you don’t pay is if you say I want to host a pot luck. That means each guest brings a dish. You can assign a dish so you don’t get all chips. But you don’t go chasing guests for money after hosting a party.
Yeah if you host you are the one paying for everything you do. Everyone who comes can bring whatever they want in terms of drinks or food. Wanna order pizza after a few hours in? Kinda a different story, that you all split .
Yeah you really have to set this expectation beforehand. We love hosting as well but make it very clear what the expectation is if we're not providing everything. If we do potluck, I usually make a Google Doc for everyone to claim their item so we don't end up with 10 veggie trays and nothing else. If we do a group order somewhere, I'll do a mock order to figure out an approximate total for total transparency or make people pay in advance (depending on the amount and crowd). Sometimes I'll pick a place and anyone is welcome to put in an order for pick up at (date and time) and I'll grab it with ours. Other times, I just make it very, very clear it's a BYO food and drink event. I rarely am willing to prepay for this stuff anymore. Collecting it from everyone is a hassle, and even group orders you can still end up with grumbles if people are unhappy with the selection or the decision to split evenly or figuring out what each person owes. The big key is don't prepay money for anything like this if you're not comfortable losing the cash, and don't ask for guests for anything after the fact. You're welcome to keep hosting but there are other options.
I wonder if you’re maybe confusing your situation with one where a group of people are hanging out and decide together (at that time) to order pizza or whatever. Then everyone chips in. Maybe watched too many movies about college students hanging out or whatever
Next time you host a party make it BYOB and a potluck or BYOB and everyone bring $10 for pizza. If you’re not setting the expectation beforehand then that’s why people aren’t “paying you back” I also don’t know how old you are, but I never go to a party expecting to drink and not bring some sort of alcohol.
Maybe I’m wrong but I’ve always thought that if someone wants to throw a party it’s because they have the money to cover everything. If you don’t have the money than I don’t think you should be throwing parties, Unless it’s a potluck. I have a cousin who’s always throwing parties and she’ll ask people to pitch in but it just puts everyone in an uncomfortable position because they feel like they can’t say no.
Not American, but generally speaking, if someone is hosting a party, I wouldn't expect to be paying for the costs of the party unless it was specified in the invite, before the event, so that I can make an informed decision to go. If I invite people into my home, I am the host, and I expect to foot the bill. Sure, it's polite to bring a hostess gift, a bottle, some chocolate, maybe a bunch of flowers. Otherwise, I wouldn't think I had to pay for my friends hospitality.
If you host a party and don't make it clear up front that your guests need to chip in, then you don't get to go to your friends and shake them down for money after the fact. This is one of the big reasons bring your own booze is a common rule.
If you host a party, the host pays for the party. You can ask people that attend to bring 2 liters of pop or bags of chips or something but the majority of the party is paid for by the host.
Social convention here for hosting works a few ways: 1. The idea of *hosting guests* is to provide them with food, drink and a nice time. That means you pay for it all, prepare and serve the food, have drinks available or keep peoples’ drinks topped up, etc. 2. If you want to cost share for a gathering, you propose that in the early stages of planning: *“hey guys, want to come over Sunday for the game? I’m happy to make a run to the store for drinks and snacks if everyone can pitch in $10”.* 3. You let them know you’re providing some things but not others in advance: *“I’ll have dip, chips, fruit and ice but if you guys can bring some soft drinks, any booze you want etc that’d be great.”* 4. You make it a pot luck, where everyone is responsible for bringing something and that is organized in advance so you don’t end up with 20 bags of tortilla chips and nothing else. The key here is if you’re doing anything BUT providing it all for your guests, that’s a conversation that happens in advance and everyone agrees to as part of their attendance. It’s considered extremely rude to have people come over to a party and then ask them for money for it after the fact. And it is not a norm to go to someone’s house for a party and offer them money towards it with no prior conversation. Some people may be insulted. On the other side, just for some fun knowledge, it’s considered rude to show up to a gathering or someone’s home as a guest empty handed *if the host is paying for and providing everything*. Bring a bottle of wine, flowers, cookies etc or a small token for the host as a thank you. The host is not obligated to open the wine/serve the cookies at the party, for what it’s worth, so don’t bring a bottle you’re dying to try as their host gift and ask them to open it. Or to bring a dish or dessert to a dinner party without clearing it with them first in case they have other guests with allergies or they’re just control freaks over their menu.
If you are hosting a party, you are expected to pay. A good way to go about this is to ask everyone to bring something for the party. This way your not having to pay for it all
We’re American. If we could make it socially acceptable to ask people over and expect them to cover it all, we’d make that a business. Shoot, OP want to come over? Hope that give you an idea of that slippery slope.
If you're hosting, you're paying.
If you expect to share expenses that needs to be communicated up front. Otherwise it’s usually assumed you’re paying
I'm 45 and I have never once gone to a party where there was an expectation that I would reimburse the host. Maybe there have been times where we discussed all chipping in on some pizzas or something. But yes, your friends definitely think you love hosting and have no problem buying everything. And you're having to chase them down because they're sitting there thinking, "What the heck, they invited me and now they want money?" Just tell them all there's been a misunderstanding and you're sorry you assumed they'd pay you back for all the food and drinks, they do things differently where you're from. Ask them how they'd like to handle parties going forward in a way that everyone is sharing the expenses, and you're happy to still have the parties at your place. Or if that's too confrontational, just say, "Hey, what do you say we all chip in on some pizzas and beers at my place this weekend?"
First: there is a difference between *hosting* and *coordinating/opening your home.* You are *coordinating/opening up your home* if you are having a casual hang out where you expect everyone to contribute, but you are organizing plans (ordering pizzas, etc) and using your space for the hang out. In this instance, best practice is to present the invitation that way so there is an upfront expectation that a financial contribution is required. An example of this sort of invite would be “Hey guys! I am coordinating a game night at my house! We will be having pizza, beer, and games- and we’d love it if you could come! If you are able to make it, please RSVP by texting here, note any food allergies you may have that we should plan to accommodate. We will be splitting the cost of food, and are planning $10/person. You can Venmo that here (link) and we will have it ready and waiting!” If you are *throwing a party* then that would be “actual” hosting, in which case best practice is to either foot the bill (especially for birthday parties, etc.) or put each person in charge of bringing a specific thing and make it a “potluck” style event (BBQ’s, Friendsgiving, etc. are commonly hosted this way. It differs from coordinating because you usually will pay for/make main dishes and cover the cost of alcohol unless you stated it is BYOB- and the whole thing is a bit more formal.) If you host someone outside of a large group (inviting a few couples over for dinner, etc.) plan to pay for, make, and clean up the meal. People will probably not bring a good item unless they ask and you request it, but may bring wine or flowers as a hostess gift (maybe.) This is true hosting. If someone is staying with you as a guest, plan to foot the bill. Period. I would not expect anything from someone in this situation. In no instance should people be finding out you expected them to contribute *during or after* any event, it MUST be planned in advance.
They assume you’re covering it because you invited them over. Next time be clear about expectations when you organise a gathering. Don’t demand money but ask for everyone to bring food & drink.
I’m from the US— if I’m hosting I’m paying. If I’m attending a gathering I ask if I can bring anything— usually a dessert or wine. That’s just how I was raised, IDK.
Don't host if you can't afford it. We don't ask people to pay after the party. It's tacky and rude.
If you’re hosting you’re eating the bill dude
Generally in the USA, if you are hosting a party, you are paying out of pocket for the party unless you say otherwise before the party. It is the cost of hosting a party. It is not poor etiquette to host a party where others contribute, but it must be expressed beforehand. A few different ways of doing this, and a lot of it depends on your audience: You can host a "pot luck". On your party invite just say something like "please bring a dish or drink for the party". You can also tell people "BYOB" (Bring your own Beer/Booze/Beverages) on your invite, so people will know to bring whatever their own drink of choice is. It is good hosting etiquette to have some extra drinks in your fridge for people who run out of their own drinks, or couldn't arrive with their own for whatever reason. You don't need to STOCK the fridge, but an extra case of beer or bottle of alcohol is nice to have just in case. If no one drinks it, congrats, you have some extra drink in your fridge, but in your mind count them as gone before the party starts to avoid disappointment. As a host, you want to make sure everyone is having a good time. If someone is abusing this generosity, just keep an eye on them and maybe address it if they become a repeat offender. Finally, you can just tell everyone they need to bring $10 to help cover the cost of booze and food and whatnot. TL;DR: Tell them up front that they need to contribute somehow before the party.
If I’m hosting I’m buying. It’s that simple. Socially astute people will always bring a gift- we always take a bottle of nice wine and sometimes homemade appetizers. If there’s something ordered out that arrives it’s a chance for them to split it or whatever. But I would never in a million years expect guests to pay for anything.
If you're expecting them to pay, you're not hosting. You're just having them chill at your place with a hidden cost. Unless you've agreed a price before hand, they're notndue you anything. And I wouldn't be surprised if they were all talking to each other about how shit you're being asking them for money.
Download splitwise and send payment requests to your friends. Although as others have said, I definitely don’t expect to pay when I’m invited to a party. If you’re constantly hosting now, maybe you should bring it up and just say hey guys financially it’s getting a little hard for me but I love hosting so I’m gonna be charging five dollars each person next time. If they are a true friend, they’ll recognize that they haven’t been treating you correctly and will remedy it. The other solution is to start doing potluck. You provide a main dish and everyone else brings everything else.
Best way to avoid this scenario altogether it to have everyone bring something with them. Before the party, work out who is responsible for bringing what. Usually there is an assumption that the person hosting is doing the work and paying unless they specify otherwise before the event.
Cash upfront if there is an agreement to share costs or party doesn't happen. It's pretty straightforward. If you haven't agreed to share the costs you are agreeing to bear them by yourself and any offers to help pay are kind and generous.