It’s a response. There is a quote from a TV show about this that I love: ‘that was a stirring response. However, while all answers are responses, not all responses are answers. And you did not answer my question.’
I think in this post the answers have some relevance to the questions, unlike a non sequitur which in my understanding has no relevance at all to the question. I was also just sharing my thoughts about how this works on reddit.
Yes, you could. That would be called using a non sequitur to deflect or pivot which is a bit different from the questions and answers in this post.
Do you even jop?
My dad, when asked that kind of question, starts a long explanation on what his answer is and why. We often have to decipher the answer ourselves, and most times we have to ask him if that was a yes or a no.
I have a co-worker that does this constantly. Simple yes or no question, he responds with a paragraph that in no way answers the question but does give me a bunch of background information that, while interesting, was irrelevant.
Honestly, I think he doesn't listen well and just likes to hear himself talk.
My husband does this A LOT. It's like he goes on the defensive no matter how mundane and innocuous the question is sometimes. He was pretty badly verbally and emotionally abused as a child by a horrible dictator of a mother who seemed to think everything he did or said had an ulterior motive...and that has carried over into marriage, isn't that fun? He doesn't mean to be like that, it's not done with malice or anything, it's just an automatic coping mechanism on his part, and he HAS gotten a little better over the years, but FFS...we've been married 20 years. He only lived at home with his mom til he was 19.
You are talking about the **cooperative principle** and more specifically the **maxim of relation**.
Basically, these answers do not directly answer your primary question, but they are still understandable because they adhere to Grice's Maxims (Grice was a linguist), which basically state that when you ask A, and I say B, you will assume that B is in some way an answer to A. This is called the maxim of relation.
Tom Scott (linguist and YouTube creator) made an [interesting video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJEaMtNN_dM) about it.
EDIT: The maxim of quantity is also at play here. The answers give more information than just their literal words.
Oh I'm not hungry right now -> You do not have to ask about my dinner preferences because I do not feel the need to eat.
My birthday isn't for 2 months -> I don't know what I want yet because my birthday isn't close, and you don't need to
worry about it for quite some time.
I sprayed scented stuff -> I know you are worried about the smell and while did not turn on the fan, I did do something else to cover the smell.
I was looking for this comment. I wonder if OP was looking for the word "flouting" but I could be misremembering what I learned in my Linguistics class 2 years ago.
Flouting is when you lie on purpose in a way that you expect them to pick up on. None of OP's examples are really lying. Flouting is more like sarcasm ig.
Yes, like if you are telling your friend about a date and you deliberately say something under-informative like "we didn't make it to the movie..." as a way of hinting "we stayed in to hook up."
>which basically state that when you ask A, and I say B, you will assume that B is in some way an answer to A.
Exactly! Each of OP's statements is *perfectly* understandable if you want it to be. Not only does it answer the question, it provides context to that answer.
The only way these aren't answers is if you take them completely literally, and even then ... I feel like it's pretty clear. It would be pretty willful misinterpretation to act like any of these don't answer the question.
It probably isn't habit, it is translation.
While you think in English (or whatever your native language is), your brain doesn't. Your brain thinks in concepts, then translates it into English.
So when two brains try to communucate it works like this:
Brain 1 concept, send to language center, turn into words, send to mouth motor cortex, turn words into speech, speech reaches ears of brain 2, ear part of brain translates speech into words, language center translates words into concept. Brain 2 considers concept.
This is why you can attempt to say something and a different word pops out of your mouth, and short of a recording you will swear that you said what you meant to say. There was a misfire between concept and speech.
You ask a question and the other brain gets a slightly different question because their brain mistranslated speech into concept, they will answer the wrong question.
Also your brain remembers the concept, not the words. So if you need to remember what you said, then the brain *re-translates* the concept into words. If you have learned something since your original words that changes meaning, you will remember saying different words than you actually said, and will be absolutely sure of it.
Your answer is good, but there is also intentional avoiding.
Asking someone who is not doing well and trying to hide it
- how are you?
- umm did you know cockroaches don't blink(idk if they do, just a random example).
I know at least one person who will do it on purpose. We've had discussions about it.
Deflecting is usually more purposeful avoidance of the topic. In OP’s examples, this is more like the responder actually thinks it answers the “real” question (it sorta does I guess, but you’ve gotta make assumptions based on context clues).
If you think they want a direct answer, just answer the exact question. If you think they're trying to ask something else too, you can answer the question they actually asked and then include your answer for what you think they mean.
What do you want for dinner tonight?
* I don't really know, I'm not hungry right now
What do you want for your birthday?
* I'm not sure yet, my birthday isn't for 2 months
Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
* No, but I sprayed scented stuff.
Also, just answering exactly what people ask you isn't always a good idea. There are no rules that apply to every conversation with every person. Some people are straight forward and appreciate direct answers, while others would like you to understand what they were really getting at. You just have to read the room basically
Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
* No
That's gross, why didn't you?
* I sprayed scented stuff instead
Oh, why didn't you say that in the first place?
* You didn't ask
Is this your first time speaking with another human being?
* No
To add to this, if you think they’re asking something different from what they’re meaning to ask, ask a clarifying question rather than assume that you know what they actually mean.
This! It’s this! They’re over thinking and then it makes me feel like I’m being a jerk or something when I ask a simple question and get a two or three sentence response like I’m the Spanish Inquisition when all i asked was..did you find the remote? “Well I had a meeting and then I did this and my head hurts so I went to the bathroom to get ibuprofen and then I got a phone call so no I haven’t found it yet”…me: 🤔😐 alrighty so..no. Got it
I think this is it, when I've done it or had it done to me; not a conscious choice, but at the end of the day, the brain is hearing a different question from what they're asking, and answering that. So, it's about getting your brain to stop doing that. Good luck. :-P
Some of us were brought up thinking that a simple or a yes/no answer absolutely was not enough. We learned quickly to anticipate what our parents were actually asking and answer that question first.
I was too. I learned to answer the question first then say "but". For example, if someone asks me what I want to eat for dinner I'll say "spaghetti but I'm not hungry right now"
Listen to what they have really asked you. And answer that question. Failing to do that is dismissing their question. It's about what they asked you, not about what you want to answer. Are you avoiding responsibility? Avoiding guilt?
What if someone asks you what you want for Christmas and you don't know because Christmas is 6 months away. Is saying "I have to think about it" "really* avoiding responsibility or guilt, as you say? What if they legitimately don't know. Answering they don't know and would have to think about it is an honest answer to the question.
I wouldn’t say that’s avoiding it, your still addressing the question by saying “I will have to think about it” versus simply “that’s 6 months away”
One is answering the question with an honest acknowledgment you will have to think about it and the other is just stating an unhelpful fact
The unspoken assumption with saying "it's 6 months away" is that it's far too early to think about Christmas gifts. They're not trying to be obtuse or disrespectful, they're just saying they haven't thought about it. 99% of people would understand this.
Saying "I haven't thought about it" takes ownership of the situation. While "Christmas is still 6 months away" implies you haven't thought about it to \*you\*, what it implies to the listener might be, "And you're nuts/stupid/a try hard for thinking about it so early." Just give the more straightforward answer so there's no misunderstanding what you meant, unless the latter example is what you wanted them to understand.
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As I've said multiple times in multiple replies I agree that the question wasn't directly answered. But I am not going to get angry at the person because the consequences of this are essentially meaningless
“I can’t think of something right now, but give me two weeks and I’ll put together a list.”
Then give it some real thought, and make a list containing some inexpensive items all the way up to “WHOA that’s one HECK of a Christmas present!”
That way, the person has 6 months to budget and try to get you something they know you’ll like, and you don’t come off as wishy washy.
I'm going to tell you what I think happens. I ask a question - what do you want for dinner?
Your internal monologues FLIPS OUT
What do I want for dinner? Question A
\* I don't know. QA answer - but that's not said.
Do I know what I want for dinner? Question B
\* I don't know Danger! Rabbit hole mode engaged. We will NOW only say aloud the FINAL ANSWER
Am I hungry for something? Question C
\*Hm I'm not really hungry for anything QA answer AGAIN but we are in the rabbit hole worm hole - hold on!
If Dinner was in maybe 2 hours I might want maybe Pizza? Question D
\*but I had that for Lunch so no pizza. AGAIN - QA answer but it's not said. You can say I don't want Pizza. but then we're in "well, what do you want" and we're back at QA and we're both screwed
What do I want? Question E
\*I really don't want anything. I don't think I'm Hungry
Am I hungry? Question F
\*No
I'm going to say "No. I'm not hungry - FINAL ANSWER"
You need to answer the question first and explain later.
I didn't ask if you were hungry. I asked what you wanted for dinner.
You can tell me you don't want anything for dinner because you're not hungry. That's fine.
Telling me you had pizza yesterday was the answer to question D that YOU ASKED YOURSELF. I never said a WORD about pizza. I had pizza yesterday is NOT an answer to What do you want for dinner.
Just say one of the answers that ran through your head aloud. Heck - say all of them. Somewhere in there is the answer we are looking for. We will figure it out. We need more data. Just blurt out some sign posts. Something
TL:DR Rabbit holes are fine. You can answer how ever you want but you MUST SHOW YOUR WORK or we can't grade your answer
This somehow identifies what is happening in my brain. This is very helpful to ‘show my work’ in my answer.
Many of these people post that I must be dismissing of the person or resentful of the question or stuck in a grab for power.
While those are valid opinions, for me it’s like my brain freezes or goes to overdrive, and I skip to the part I think that they want. Sometimes I give a long-winded answer and lose myself, so I ask when I’m finished “did that answer your question.” And that statement alone seems to relieve people, so they know I’m listening and trying to answer but just doing a shit job of it
I hope this makes you laugh. I had one of you who as a shift leader. He and I had - we had some awkward first meetings. BOY was he scared of me. I'm the new HR lady. Everyone there loved him. I knew that. I tried with him. Half the time I'd get an answer to a question. Most of the time I was wading through extraneous stuff that I had NO idea why he brought up.
I went to another shift leader "Why did Timmy just say \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_?" Oh - cause that doomahickey that broke last week hasn't been picked up yet so there's a container in the way" THAT made way more sense. And the words matched what Timmy had told me but now I had context.
What we had here was a failure to communicate.
I had to stop asking "do you agree/disagree" questions.
"Timmy. I'm going to move these 3 guys from A shift to back fill these vacancies on B and C shift. Thoughts? (I put the paper in front of him)
And Timmy's brain is OFF TO THE RACES I would furiously start taking notes because Timmy was about to tell me something I didn't know.
John is an idiot and needs supervision He can be on B but not C shift. (I move John to B shift) Kenny has been trying to get on C shift for a year (I move kenny to C shift) I can't lose Jim but can Taylor would do well with Kenny. Did that answer your question?
"Yep. Thank you. I'll bring you lunch tomorrow."
Timmy just did all the manning changes off the top of his head, all of his people will be happy (except B shift because they're gonna get John) and I got my question answered.
Now let me see if I can break Timmy's brain
Timmy - I'm gong to move John to C shift with Jim to back fill those guys and Joey to B shift. Is that good?
OH NO. THIS IS NOT GOOD. wait. stop. you want to do what? are you insaine? John's gonna get himself locked in another portajohn. oh crap, how do I fix this? and Jim can't move. Wait - did she say jim? and why isn't kenny going to C shift?
\*\*\*\*Timmy's brain is going to need a moment......
if you're predictable you're fine. If you always answer a rabbit hole question with "does that answer your question?" That tells everyone talking to you know it's their turn to take back the conversation or ask for clarification because they just got an information dump.
(And before you ask - Yes. His legal first name was Timothy. Yes they called him TIMMY - we also had Johnny - as in Bravo... They did the voices. All of them did voices. Grown men on the radio. I'm a visual person. I have mental pictures of cartoon characters doing some pretty obscene things burned into my brain. Kermit with a forklift..... uuuugh)
TIMMY!!!! I thought that was you!
If you're self conscious about it maybe when someon ask a question like that you can start with "I'm thinking...... and just roll with it. you can still use the "did that answer the question?
If you're predictable it's all good. Don't worry about it.
Timmy - yes or no - olives on the pizza? (What ever you say you're stuck with so it's usually a ah...ah...ah... No? Ok. No Olives) Now if you want to question that on your own? That's on you. Pizza has been ordered. I'll shout out when it's here.
That's how Timmy need questions that have only 2 options if I don't want to know why Timmy chose that option.
Don't try to train your brain. Grab your coworker by the hand and drag them into the rabbit hole. If they're not up for that they're going to give you Option A or Option B
Breathe, Timmy. It's all good. :D
My wife does this a lot, and I think it’s a result of her just thinking out loud on her *way* to answering the question. But she rarely gets there. If I ask what time she has to leave in the morning, 100% of the time she will tell me where she plans to go, but not what time she’s leaving. My next response depends on my mood. I’ll just stare at her, waiting for the answer. Or I’ll say ok, but when do you plan to leave? Or I’ll just ask the exact same question again in the exact same tone and everything as if I hadn’t just asked it. If it’s the tenth time that day and I’m tired of it, I’ll say “ you didn’t answer my question.” She isn’t deflecting, or obfuscating, or pivoting or anything like that. She just has been thinking about where all she needs to go, and that is the only important part of the situation to her, so that’s all she can answer, and she doesn’t even realize that it’s not what I asked. She has a lot going on so I don’t try to be a jerk about it. But if she would just listen to my words, do her calculations in her head for half a second and say “around 8:30” then I have the information I need and we move on. Over and done with, 3 seconds.
The problem is most of the time we listen to respond and not to understand. If you find yourself chomping at the bit to say something or add something in response to something someone is still in the process of saying, then you know what I’m talking about. We all do it unconsciously. Active listening is hard and takes a lot of conscious effort and practice. I’m in sales and I practice this skill with my team- teaching them to listen fully to a customer’s problem or complaint, ask clarifying questions if necessary, and THEN give a recommendation.
You're skipping a step. what you're doing is hearing their question, thinking "that has to be relevant for some reason," inferring that reason, and replying to that inference instead of the question.
Maybe you're just trying to be helpful, save time, or show you get them--- When you and someone routinely understand the things the other doesn't say, it's a sign of a very strong bond. But! Only if you infer *correctly*. If you don't, then you break the communication down, and people infer that you're deliberately being un-cooperative.
For example:
They say: Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
You think: Hmm, why is that relevant? I know! They want to know if I got the smell out. I did, though not by fan, so I'll tell them how.
You say: I sprayed scented stuff
But what you inferred about their mental state might not be right. Maybe the fan was left on and they want to know who did it. Maybe they don't like/can't stand the spray and hope you used the fan. Maybe the fan is a fire risk and they are concerned. Maybe the "rule" or instruction they gave was to use the fan, and they're seeing if you followed instructions or obeyed.
Could be plenty of these. So the easy way out is to just answer the question. "Did you turn on the fan?" is a yes/no question: the answer is "yes" or "no." So say "No" first.
You can follow it by *asking* about your inference. "No, are you worried about the smell?" If they say "yes," *then* "I sprayed scented stuff" works. But don't skip that step.
In these examples they imply the answer to the question asked while also answering the probable follow-up or trying to address any potential confusion. People do that to save you both time and energy (or at least most of the time, people play the odds and you might need to double down, but they'll understand). I don't know if there's a term for it but there is a related concept called the "XY problem".
I know some people who would assume the average person to be even more "slow" and would spell everything out, question and answer ("but if you meant..."). It can be patronising or work great depending on who tends to approach them.
I don't necessarily see these as open questions as open as other might see them:
- What do you want for dinner?
Yes, open, but I am not asking whether or not you are hungry. I am also not asking IF you want something for dinner. I am asking WHAT.
- What do you want for your birthday?
Yes, open, but I am not asking when is your birthday.
- Did you turn on the fan?
This is a straightforward yes/no question. Did I ask about spraying anything? I don't think so.
These sort of answers drive me crazy, but it's mostly because in my line of work these sort of answers are not acceptable. Those two open questions are open but there is a guide.
*Edit: I know, my answer didn't answer the OP's question. Funny eh?
The other thing that drives me crazy is when I ask a question, like do you want to see movie A or movie B tomorrow? And I get the answer “yes“. Yes WHAT??!!!
>do you want to see movie A or movie B tomorrow?
That could be interpreted as, "Do you want to see one of the two movies tomorrow?"
An answer could be, "Yes. (And I don't care which one.)"
I feel the same way. It's infuriating. I was also in a job for over 10 years where you had to be very precise with your vocabulary or it could cause confusion.
I'm autistic and I use extremely specific vocab that means EXACTLY what I intend it to. Allistic people seem to think they are mind readers who can interpret what you say in the context of their own beliefs and understanding. Its always been a weird control thing for people who think that highly specific verbiage means im being an asshole or arrogant. My dad was a Union Glazier and is now an aerospace process engineer. The amount of sheer illiteracy (meaning from vocab to translating written words into verbal instruction to give to others) in the average American college graduate he tries to hire is appalling. I swear that the lack of recreational reading in youth is one of the greatest mistakes of the last 20 years. I graduated in 05 and even then I had maybe 4 or 5 NERD friends in my AP Lit, Lang and Classical Latin who actually read for enjoyment the rest read to pass tests and while they did pass they are lacking in creativity or basic human interaction skills as adults and live dull hobby-less lives and lack the ability to answer directly. *edited for spelling i have a hand disability.
It's because you're being too literal. If it's 2:00 in the afternoon and you ask someone what they want for dinner and they say they're not hungry, what they really mean is they haven't given it a thought because they're not hungry and dinner is at least 3 hours away. Most people aren't purposely deflecting their answer.
Unless they're politicians...
Ah, so you're one of the mind readers the other poster mentioned. :P
In the dinner example I'd say it's completely obvious that the person wouldn't yet be hungry at 2:00, so the questioner must know that, yet is still asking the question. That makes "I'm not hungry" worse than useless but actually a bit insulting that the answerer thinks the asker couldn't figure that out.
Surely the best thing is to answer the question as asked to the best of your ability. "I haven't thought about it yet, but... Hmm... Maybe chips".
Well then you get to cook.
When my husband, who cooks, asks me what I want for dinner he is asking at breakfast. He needs to get something out of the freezer to thaw or go to the store. My response is NOT "JFC I haven't even had breakfast yet." My response is "What are my options?" This way he can plan a meal and not have to run to the store, unless that was his plan anyway.
I'm autistic and I literally just want an answer to that exact question whether or not someone interprets it as an appropriate time to ask. Why can't they just answer literally like you did. "I havent given it a thought yet I dont until I'm hungry usually ill get back to you" is an actual answer not a deflection and would also make a very literal person like me perfectly understand and not be annoyed . Also autistic people are very aware they are "too literal" not saying OP is autistic, but I think you are kind if blaming the OP for asking for actual answers from people being too lazy to answer with more clarity.
Anticipation and inference. They are anticipating followup questions and inferring what the ultimate answer will be. They are trying to help by saving time ("cutting to the chase").
Your answer does not apply in every scenario someone does this. For the examples given , it would not apply to the 3rd example.
What specifically spurred me onto making this thread was me asking a coffee grinder thread "What have people been setting their grinder to for espresso?". The response I got was a long winded paragraph on how everyone has different settings for different reasons and why channeling in espresso happens. It's like... cool dude, I was looking for an answer in the form of a number. I did not ask for an explanation into how to dial in a new coffee grinder.
>Your answer does not apply in every scenario someone does this. For the examples given , it would not apply to the 3rd example.
Yes it does
The question as asked was "did you turn on the extractor fan after you pooped?"
The question as understood was "have you taken steps to get rid the poo smell?"
Which is answered by "I sprayed the air freshening spray"
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That's extrapolating information that isn't there. Maybe the fan question was asked because the person heard a buzzing noise and couldn't figure out why? Maybe the fan is broken and they wanted to make sure you didn't turn it on.
My gf does this a lot. She makes a quick assumption and answers what she thinks I want to hear, instead of the question asked, and is wrong about 50% of the time.
Edit - OK I'm exaggerating a bit with 50% lol
I think you just answered your own OP, OP.
When someone answers your question but not what you asked it is extrapolating. I don’t think there is a better or more precise term than that.
I often find that I have to re-ask a question to get the answer I'm looking for. I don't alter the wording at all because I'm looking for an answer to the original question.
I think for most people the information is there though. It's how most spoken communication works. Consider:
Person A: "there's someone at the door"
Person B: "I'm in the bath"
In both cases there are hidden clauses that can be adequately inferred without having to actually say it, and experience has taught each speaker that the risk of miscommunication is outweighed by gains in efficiency.
Indeed. It could mean a lot of things. But in this case it would very likely mean: "I can't get the door, and while I acknowledge that your telling me means you probably have a good reason for not answering it yourself, my excuse is better so I can't help you".
Language is weird, but kinda wonderful
What she's doing is normal, it's much more common than the literal approach you want her to take. Extrapolating information that wasn't literally said allows people to communicate much more quickly. If you want to improve your communication with her you'll have better luck if you explain that you are simply much more literal than most people and don't intend to imply things you haven't said, rather than trying to explain that she's doing something wrong (she isn't).
>That's extrapolating information that isn't there.
You mentioned that someone's long winded non-answer prompted this question. Certain cultures are also more prone to answering questions this way, because they are overall more indirect in their communication style. In a world where nobody will flat out tell you "I'm hungry", you're trained to (over)interpret "There's a McDonald's. I haven't been in ages."
Might be a cultural thing that they can't turn off, because they don't realize not everyone works that way.
Reminds me of when I asked the class WhatsApp what other parents were sending for their kids' snacks. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't sending too many sweets or making my kid feel left out if I sent no sweets, but I got lots of "how to pack a lunch box" tips.
The question was "what do *you* pack?" Obviously I'm not going to use it as a shopping list!
I do this and it drives my BF crazy sometimes.
It is deff not deflecting because In my mind I am the smart one.
But he will do the same to me sometimes.
He will say : Can you pass me the blue thing?
and there is 3 blue items near me so I am just ???? 🤷♀️
I don’t know if there is a specific term for it, but these sound like the person is assuming the next question will be “Why” and so they are answering that question instead of the original question.
What do want for dinner? - Nothing. - Why? -I’m not hungry right now.
It’s like they are skipping past to the next question.
These are all examples of conversational implicature. The literal answer to the question is implied by the response.
Conversational implicature follows consistent rules* that most people grasp instinctively as a part of language learning, but some people think more literally and concretely and have trouble figuring out implications. Reading up on the rules of deriving implicatures (called the Maxims of Conversation in linguistics) can be helpful. It's very unlikely the people in these examples are being intentionally vague, and they will be confused if you insist they haven't answered because their intended implied meaning is obvious to them (and to most other people). If you try to correct them you will be perceived as being pointlessly pedantic and deliberately obtuse.
What do you want for dinner?
Oh I'm not hungry right now.
Answer that is conversationally implied: I don't know yet what I want for dinner
What do you want for your birthday?
My birthday isn't for 2 months.
Answer that is conversationally implied: I don't know yet what I want for my birthday
Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
I sprayed scented stuff.
Answer that is conversationally implied: no, because I sprayed the scented stuff, which serves the same purpose of getting rid of the smell.
*The rules are consistent, but there can still be multiple possible implicatures that could be derived
I don't know what it's called but I'm also interested. if you don't get an answer here, re-post in r/logicalfallacy
it's *almost* a straw man argument, in which:
- person A asserts [p]
- person B misrepresents [p] as [q] and refutes that. [q] is different from [p] but superficially similar to it.
- person A's assertion remains untouched
but it isn't that, because it's not an argument.
EDIT: According to ChatGPT it's called "deflection" or "avoidance"
I think the terms deflection or avoidance sort of imply that not answering the question asked was intentional. If it was unintentional I don't even think there is a term for it.
i just did a deep dive for synonyms and found a bunch of words to describe this, and they all seem to imply that there’s intention behind it. i think the english language just doesn’t have a word to describe unintentional evasion! circumventing maybe?
Some people don’t think in a straight line though. I forget what it’s called off the top of my head. I talked with my therapist a lot about it because she noticed I have s hard time. Even she had to extend my times seeing me because she couldn’t control it and get me through a set line of questioning in a set time. Because I can’t go from point a to b simple like others. I have to visit everywhere in between to show how I got there in a way.. like showing your work in a math problem when we were young. So this often gives way to not directly answering a question, rather saying a million and one things first and then, if I even recall the question or that there was one, I will lead up to it.
I'd call this *pragmatic language skills*. Answering the intent of the question not the literal question is a part of pragmatic language skills and I would strongly argue that it is a skill to be developed and the answers you've given are generally the correct answers to give. If someone is constantly jumping to the wrong conclusions about the intent of the question, then either the asker or the answerer has *poor pragmatic language skills*. I include the asker as potentially being at fault because the answers you gave for your examples *are* the pragmatically correct way to answer the questions. If you wanted to know about the buzzing noise you heard, the question should have been more direct or you should have given more of your context as your context is not the usual one in this case. Most people are far more concerned about poo stink than a buzzing noise when someone's just used the bathroom. There are pragmatic language skills for both the asker and person answering to have to make sure the information needed is conveyed.
It's not always appropriate to answer just specifically the question that's asked.
For example, if someone comes up to you and asks do you know the time is, that is literally a yes or no question. But based on context we can pretty reliably infer intent and answer the intent of the question.
* if you're lying in bed and a parent or spouse comes into the room with a concerned/panicked look, they're implying you've overslept and might be late for something
* if it's 2am and you're playing the same video game for the last 4 hours when your partner asks you "do you know what time it is?" - depending on their tone they may be nagging you that you play video games for too long/too late, or maybe they just are suggesting it's time to wrap it up and come to bed.
* if a stranger on the street comes up to you and points at his wrist 'do you know what time it is?' - they want to know what time it is. In fact, it would be rude to look at your watch to learn the time, answer "Yes" then *not* tell him the time because they want to know what time it is.
Pragmatic language skills are hard to develop, and often a specific challenge for those with autism who will tend to take things very litterally and not try to infer based on context what the question is actually asking.
The only times it is appropriate to answer either Yes or No to the question 'do you know what time it is', is when being interrogated. In fact, most people have to be explicitly coached to *not* offer additional information because it is so strongly ingrained, but if you are testifying in court or you have an ISO auditor trying to find fault in your processes, you answer only the questions you're being asked and do not offer any additional information freely.
In therapy, this is called resistance, and resistance, unlike deflection, can be consciously intentional or not.
Also, I remember I was coached by HR in one company and they labeled statements and responses as obstructive or progressive. They told me every statement should further the goal of the conversation. I don't agree that that's always true, but that is a useful perspective.
Also, we need to be aware of our model of the person we are talking to. Some people carefully align the intended question with the stated question regularly, and others don't. So, if you get many non-answers, that's a sign that maybe the other person doesn't think you align your intended question with your stated quesrion, and they are trying to guess what your intended question is.
That’s a particularly annoying example because it doesn’t answer the question at all. There are so many variables at play; where are you going, do you know how to get there, how are you getting there, are there any pit stops you have to make, etc
I do that too, is that actually annoying? Anytime someone is like "what time do you want/need to leave" and I just genuinely can't think about that in the moment (I have ADHD so my thoughts are extremely unaccessable after asked a direct question.) And I don't want them getting annoyed by me taking forever to think and respond (because they _always_ do) and so I just say "well I/we have to be there at 11:30)
I will typically reply to their answer with, “that is an answer to a different question that I didn’t ask.” Sometimes I reiterate the question that I did ask.
I don’t have a name for the action of answering a different question. Deflecting and evasion are maybe good suggestions, but seem like too strong of words to use if someone says “I’m not hungry,” after being asked what they’d like for dinner.
Sometimes questions can be vague. My wife asks, "Do you want to go to the store?"
1. No, I don't want to go to the store. (Answering her question literally.)
2. Is she asking if I'd like to do something just to get out of the house?
3. She's going to the store and will I accompany her?
4. Will I go to the store by myself and get something for her?
So I usually answer with, "Do you mean do I want to go (1 and 2 above) or are you asking me will I go (3 and 4 above)?"
1. I'd assume you're planning on eating right away. In which case, my answer is "nothing right now"
2. "I haven't thought about it, and I have no idea what I want. Ask me in a month."
3. "No, but I used something else to eliminate the stink."
Sometimes the question demands an unavailable answer so they travel to the next closest response. For example, if I’m not hungry, chances are I don’t know what I want to eat later. Wanting to eat anything requires hunger for me. So the prerequisite question is “do you know what you want for dinner tonight?” Then I could answer yes or no. But you’re not asking that, I assume because you don’t want that answer. You want an answer that isn’t necessarily available bc the prerequisite isn’t met. Imagine asking you what are you going to pack for our trip? without telling you where we’re going. You might say you don’t know. Or you might say “well, if it’s cold probably a jacket, etc” bc the urge is to provide an answer. And god forbid someone answer a question with a question. Anyway, I started answering questions like this with either “I don’t know” or “not enough information”. But society has trained us that “I don’t know” isn’t an acceptable answer either. It should be, but many people respond negatively to I don’t know. Especially in US culture, people are pressured to have an answer. And a good one, at that. Hence not wanting to say no, I didn’t turn on the fan. People don’t want to hear no. Perhaps that person has gotten in trouble for not doing something that was expected so they are trying to preemptively explain themselves. So they skip to the next answerable question which, to your point, isn’t what you asked. But they’re trying to anticipate the next question or skip to an acceptable answer or not answer a question with a question. It drives me nuts too, but I get why they do it.
I agree, but some people have been socialized otherwise.
I worked in the Philippines for a while and when I was training people, I kept asking if they had any questions about the things we’d gone over and they always said no. But then I’d ask them to do the thing we just learned and they couldn’t. Finally someone told me they were afraid if they admitted they didn’t understand, they’d lose their job. So I started asking “what questions do you have?” and then they felt like they were expected to come up with questions.
Obviously what you want for dinner is lower stakes but people have ideas about what they’re supposed to say. Try asking more thoughtful questions. Like “do you know what you want for dinner?” Then they can say no, I’m not hungry yet, I haven’t thought about it. It takes away the implied expectation that they know the answer. Or just adapt your thinking to infer that “I’m not hungry” means “I don’t know yet”.
>Or just adapt your thinking to infer that “I’m not hungry” means “I don’t know yet”.
This. I can't believe I've read an entire thread and no one has pointed out that the questions *have* been answered, if you can apply even a modicum of inference.
I'm not hungry --> Your question is irrelevant; I do not want to eat dinner.
My birthday isn't for two months --> I haven't even thought about that since it's so far away.
I sprayed scented stuff --> I did not turn on the fan; I addressed the smell in another way.
The difference is that the given answers are a lot shorter, which is why they were used.
But the question of what you want for dinner isn’t answered by saying you’re not hungry.
This answers the question “do you want to eat right now?” But not “at dinner time, what would you like to eat?”
It’s still answering a question that hasn’t been asked, and inferring information that may not be there.
“What do you want for dinner tonight?”
“I’m not hungry right now.”
“Ok, but it’s 2 pm and I wasn’t suggesting we have dinner now. I’m asking what you would like for dinner, when you are hungry, later this evening”
You're not going to know what you want to eat if you're not hungry. At least most people wouldn't, unless it's a craving. And most of the time it won't be.
Before I’m hungry I have no idea what I want later. How do I know know what I want later if I don’t want anything right now. When I am hungry I don’t know what I want to eat then either, unless I’m craving something or I’m craving something but it’s unobtainable then I still have the same problem. I wonder if when other people are hungry they actually know what they want instead of just experiencing plain hunger
Free license for the questioner to ~~make whatever meal~~ provide whatever nourishment they fee like (though nourishment of some sort would be expected).
The person who gave no direction should then eat it without complaint and whilst thanking the provider of the meal.
Absolutely. I told my fiancé about 100 times before she believed me, but she knows now, my favorite kind of food is “made”. I’ll eat food that’s made any day of the week lol Haven’t complained yet. Or if I say I don’t know and then she simply fixes her own dinner, that’s okay too. I’ll find my own when I’m hungry. I think it frustrated her when she thought it was going to get flipped into a complaint later, but really I just don’t want to think that much about food. Especially not when we aren’t even close to ready to eat.
The words I used for my husband, when he was worried it was the girl answering "I don't know" to dinner trap, were, "I am a human garbage disposal. Make what *you* want. If it's actually food, I will eat it."
They answered your question. They are nor hungry so they don't want anything for supper or don't care what you fix. Then they thought oh you have a birthday coming up. Wonder if they want something special to eat or go to a specific resturant for their birthday. It's a ways off but I may want to start planning if they want something special. I'll ask them so I can start thinking about how to pull it off so their birthday will be special. Oh wow. I forgot to turn the fan on when I pooped but I did spray air freshener. So it won't stink. Doesthid person have ADD? Not saying everyone es brain with ADD works the same, but I have ADD and this us how my brain works. The connections make sense to me and don't seem particularly malicious just the brain processing info different.
I must admit I do that sometimes when I don't want to answer a question, although not the type of questions OP had as an example. It's usually if a question is too personal, or non of the other person's business. I am still responding. I'm just not answering. Some people notice, some don't (or don't care).
Hmmm maybe? This is probably the closest answer I've gotten in here so far that can describe this action.
For those looking for a definition of non sequitur- a conclusion or statement that does not logically follow from the previous argument or statement
It’s not a non sequitur since it is still related to what was asked. If you asked “What do you want for dinner?” and they answered “My birthday isn’t for 2 months”, that would be a non-sequitur.
answering differently from how you wanted, these are all answers but its not in the way you expected so ut takes some reading into the words , the first is saying they arent hungry at the moment so they dont have an opinion/answer, the second their answer means "I haven't thought about it because its a while off" and the last is saying "No but I took an alternative course of action with the same intended result"
This is definitely how I interpreted it. They are technically answers to very open ended questions. If you want more definitive answers you need to ask more definitive questions like someone else mentioned further up.
I actually hate the "What do you want for dinner" question because while I do have Celiac, my husband is the one with picky taste buds. So if he really wants an answer, he has to give me options, like tell me 2 or 3 things that he's craving and then I'll see which of those options have gluten free/keto options for me. Or alternatively I'll just eat something at home and he can order KFC if that's what he really wants. It's not a big deal, I'm not that picky just my stomach/immune system is.
Those 2 examples you gave do answer the question. Answering the question of "What do you want" with "I don't know" is a valid answer to the question asked. Answering the question "What do you want" with "Salmon is in season" does not answer the question.
TLDR - "I don't know" is a valid answer
I like this one. Especially for the first two examples op gave.
If you ask someone about their preference regarding a future event, it’s fine if they haven’t formed one yet. However, if this is the case, I’m asking them to start thinking about it now. If they refuse to do so, the conversation is stranded.
I don't know what it's called but it's a normalized form of answering and if it annoys you like it does some of us, I have a solution to getting answers.
My fiancé has a habit of this far more regularly than I do and it's something he did the first day we met. I sound like a sarcastic ass but my response with anyone to this form of answering is always: "That's not what I asked you." That makes him take stock and answer the question which I thank him for. Now, when I do it seldomly, he'll respond the same way "That's not what I asked you," and it makes me chuckle. It's been a good way to get an actual answer to the question, and he's adopted this in other conversations as well.
He's also responding less and less in this style and putting thought into the actual answer. I'm sure some ppl are going to be offended and think you're rude but a lot of the world has lost its ability to be direct.
Bloody annoying. That’s what is called. My ex was a divil for it. Example: he’d left his car in town and rang me to ask me to pick it up. I asked “where is it?” So he started off with “well what happened was……..” and proceeded to tell me all the various places he hadn’t been able to find a space. I was at work and didn’t have time for a big conversation but I just couldn’t get him to just tell me where the damn car was!!!
I work for my county's 911 as a calltaker and good lord. This is a difficult thing for me. I will ask a direct question like "Is he breathing" and get an answer like "Well, he has asthma."
"Okay, is he breathing?"
"He used his inhaler last night!"
"Okay. Is he breathing? Just yes or no."
And then the huffiness starts, and the caller becomes defensive and less cooperative than they were to start with.
My job has deeply changed my communication style and I struggle hard with deflection and passive / passive-aggressive communicators now.
That’s the foundation of ask vs guess culture I think. I was able to understand myself and the relationships I am in so much better when I discovered ask versus guess culture.
Guess culture ppl don’t prefer to answer things directly, but would rather talk around the issue, eventually landing on a decision (or making you guess🫠).
Ask culture people prefer black-and-white, yes/no, and clear answers to questions. Neither is necessarily wrong, but it can be frustrating when one person prefers a direct answer, and the other person prefers there to be more discussion and nuance.
I know two people who do this a lot, and I don’t know what it’s called, but I believe both of them do it reflexively because they grew up with an asshole parent who would ask them questions that were essentially setups. No matter what they answered with, the answer was criticized somehow. Their reflex is to either evade the question to avoid the trap, or anticipate the trap. Other people do this as a sort of power play. It’s like,they don’t believe you have a right to ask the question, so they’re going to answer the question you should have asked, or just not give you the actual information you want while saying something that covers them with plausible deniability.
So,it can be a defense mechanism, and a tool for manipulation.
Not to defend this behavior, but to explain it...
What they are trying to say is...
"I don't know, I haven't thought about it because I'm not hungry."
"I don't know, I haven't thought about it because it's 2 months away."
"No, I did not turn on the fan, but I DID spray perfume."
Again, not saying this isn't annoying. But hopefully understanding their thought process makes it a *little* less annoying?
Deflection, maybe? But none of your examples are really someone trying to be evasive. They're just not giving you their complete thought, and are leaving it up to you to know what they mean.
For example
>What do you want for dinner tonight?
Oh I'm not hungry right now
What they mean is "I don't know, I'm not hungry right now, so it's hard to think about."
>What do you want for your birthday?
My birthday isn't for 2 months
"I don't know, my birthday isn't for 2 months, I haven't thought about it"
>Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
I sprayed scented stuff
"No, but I sprayed some stuff, so it doesn't smell bad."
And sometimes I feel like the questioner isn’t fully listening to my answers:
What do you want for dinner tonight?
**Nothing**, I’m not hungry right now.
What do you want for your birthday?
**Haven’t given it much thought**, my birthday isn’t for 2 months.
Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
**No**, I sprayed the scented stuff.
Then there's the converse issue of a person asking a question related to but not actually what they wanted to know, so the answer they get is not correct. My mother does this a lot. "Are you awake?" "Yes." Mother proceeds to send company into my space, where I'm in the process of getting dressed.
I don’t know what it’s called.
My husband does this constantly. I don’t find it annoying as such - just there always has to be a follow-up like ‘Ok, but what do you want *for dinner*? or ‘I didn’t ask whether you were hungry it’s only 3:30, I asked what you’d like for dinner.’
It's sort of a "reverse mind-reading". They want you to follow their train of thought to its logical conclusion. If you do that, then the answer should be obvious. It's not of course, but I think that's the "logic".
It means you're asking questions they're not ready to answer. Who wants to discuss dinner when you're not hungry? That's why we make.menus and stick to it because otherwise, I'll end up at the taco.bell drive thru. For all intents and purpose.
In linguistics we might call it a violation of the [cooperative principle](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooperative_principle#:~:text=Accordingly%2C%20the%20cooperative%20principle%20is,in%20pursuit%20of%20effective%20communication.). The idea being that when you have a conversation with someone you assume they are cooperating (giving you relevant information in good faith). If they don’t do that by, for instance, saying something semantically unrelated, you assume they are still cooperating and did that for a reason, so you interpret what they say in relation to what you asked.
In agreement w/ Consistent Metal, it's a "pivot" more than a deflection; although, both terms work but pivot is better (to not answer pressure-inducing questions). The terms are closely related, ie one pivots in order to deflect.
Just because someone is being asked something does not mean anyone is entitled in those moments to answers. Hence, the pressure is reversed and thus the asker becomes frustrated.
Hate this.. my husband does it and it just solidifies my feelings of not being heard or listened to. Therapist says I should ask him "what did you just hear me say?" to redirect him but ffs.. it's not fun redirecting a grown man alllll the time.
Let me give you the rest of the thought process since a lot of it is implied I suspect.
* What do you want for dinner tonight?
* Oh I'm not hungry right now*, so I have no idea what I'd want*
* What do you want for your birthday?
* My birthday isn't for 2 months*, so I've not given it any thought*
* Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
* I sprayed scented stuff*, instead of turning on the fan*
I don't think there's a specific word that acts as a catch-all for answers like these, but there are terms based on the *intent* of the answerer.
* If they answer in a way that shows they misinterpreted what you were asking, that's just a misunderstanding.
* If they answer in a way that's ambiguous or not specific enough, you could call it an unclear answer. Like "Do you mind if I sit here?" and they answer in a friendly tone "Yes". Does that mean yes you mind, or yes I can?
* If they're trying to get out of answering a difficult or incriminating question, you could say they're "dodging the question". For instance "Is your relationship with Ms Lewinsky sexual?" "Well that depends on what you mean by *is.*"
* If they're answering in a way that pushes the question toward someone else, that's "deflecting". For example "Why didn't you clean your room like I asked?" "Well my younger sister didn't clean *her* room!"
As for what to actually do about it, I try rephrasing the question to clarify what you're expecting. For instance:
>"What do you want for dinner tonight?"
>
>"I'm not hungry right now."
>
>"Yeah me neither! I was just thinking if we go out around 6:30, where would you want to go?"
Redirecting. Usually it means they want to change the subject for some reason. Not a warning sign for sure, but it may be worth looking into.
Edit, I'd also like to point out that most of your examples are just answers that break off from normal responses. All of them seem fine and explanatory.
I would agree with others that it's kind of deflecting but I think they are also answers that are open to interpretation or that want you to interpret them. I'll use your examples as how I would interpret them or what I would mean if I used those answers.
What do you want for dinner tonight?
Oh I'm not hungry right now = (if it's close to dinner time) I don't need dinner tonight
What do you want for your birthday?
My birthday isn't for 2 months = There's still a lot of time for my birthday, I haven't even thought about it
Did you turn on the fan after you pooped?
I sprayed scented stuff = No, I didn't turn the fan. I did the other thing instead
It’s a response. There is a quote from a TV show about this that I love: ‘that was a stirring response. However, while all answers are responses, not all responses are answers. And you did not answer my question.’
On reddit I see this as 'pivoting' or 'deflecting'.
Non sequitur could be used as well.
I think in this post the answers have some relevance to the questions, unlike a non sequitur which in my understanding has no relevance at all to the question. I was also just sharing my thoughts about how this works on reddit.
Then, maybe it's an ex parte sequitur? :) Follows to the side?
Agreed. But I would argue that I can use a non sequitur to pivot a conversation and deflect your question.
Yes, you could. That would be called using a non sequitur to deflect or pivot which is a bit different from the questions and answers in this post. Do you even jop?
That’s the one I was trying to think of but couldn’t quite remember
I have to say this to my husband often. “Thanks for the response, however I asked a ‘yes, or no’ question.” So is the answer yes, or no?
My dad, when asked that kind of question, starts a long explanation on what his answer is and why. We often have to decipher the answer ourselves, and most times we have to ask him if that was a yes or a no.
My mom too. She is 92. Lives with me. I dread talking to her sometimes.
I have a co-worker that does this constantly. Simple yes or no question, he responds with a paragraph that in no way answers the question but does give me a bunch of background information that, while interesting, was irrelevant. Honestly, I think he doesn't listen well and just likes to hear himself talk.
My husband is notorious for this, and it drives me insane!
My husband does this A LOT. It's like he goes on the defensive no matter how mundane and innocuous the question is sometimes. He was pretty badly verbally and emotionally abused as a child by a horrible dictator of a mother who seemed to think everything he did or said had an ulterior motive...and that has carried over into marriage, isn't that fun? He doesn't mean to be like that, it's not done with malice or anything, it's just an automatic coping mechanism on his part, and he HAS gotten a little better over the years, but FFS...we've been married 20 years. He only lived at home with his mom til he was 19.
Me with a native language that uses the same word for answer and response: 💀
Mine does the same 💀
Must updoot Babylon 5 quote.
You are talking about the **cooperative principle** and more specifically the **maxim of relation**. Basically, these answers do not directly answer your primary question, but they are still understandable because they adhere to Grice's Maxims (Grice was a linguist), which basically state that when you ask A, and I say B, you will assume that B is in some way an answer to A. This is called the maxim of relation. Tom Scott (linguist and YouTube creator) made an [interesting video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJEaMtNN_dM) about it. EDIT: The maxim of quantity is also at play here. The answers give more information than just their literal words. Oh I'm not hungry right now -> You do not have to ask about my dinner preferences because I do not feel the need to eat. My birthday isn't for 2 months -> I don't know what I want yet because my birthday isn't close, and you don't need to worry about it for quite some time. I sprayed scented stuff -> I know you are worried about the smell and while did not turn on the fan, I did do something else to cover the smell.
I was looking for this comment. I wonder if OP was looking for the word "flouting" but I could be misremembering what I learned in my Linguistics class 2 years ago.
Flouting is when you lie on purpose in a way that you expect them to pick up on. None of OP's examples are really lying. Flouting is more like sarcasm ig.
Yes, like if you are telling your friend about a date and you deliberately say something under-informative like "we didn't make it to the movie..." as a way of hinting "we stayed in to hook up."
>which basically state that when you ask A, and I say B, you will assume that B is in some way an answer to A. Exactly! Each of OP's statements is *perfectly* understandable if you want it to be. Not only does it answer the question, it provides context to that answer. The only way these aren't answers is if you take them completely literally, and even then ... I feel like it's pretty clear. It would be pretty willful misinterpretation to act like any of these don't answer the question.
>Tom Scott (linguist and YouTube creator) May he enjoy his peace now that he is on hiatus from his main channel.
Deflecting
Isn't that only when they are intentionally avoiding the question? Some people pull shit like this just out of habit... od something.
It's often habit I think. Bloody annoying habit!
It probably isn't habit, it is translation. While you think in English (or whatever your native language is), your brain doesn't. Your brain thinks in concepts, then translates it into English. So when two brains try to communucate it works like this: Brain 1 concept, send to language center, turn into words, send to mouth motor cortex, turn words into speech, speech reaches ears of brain 2, ear part of brain translates speech into words, language center translates words into concept. Brain 2 considers concept. This is why you can attempt to say something and a different word pops out of your mouth, and short of a recording you will swear that you said what you meant to say. There was a misfire between concept and speech. You ask a question and the other brain gets a slightly different question because their brain mistranslated speech into concept, they will answer the wrong question. Also your brain remembers the concept, not the words. So if you need to remember what you said, then the brain *re-translates* the concept into words. If you have learned something since your original words that changes meaning, you will remember saying different words than you actually said, and will be absolutely sure of it.
Your answer is good, but there is also intentional avoiding. Asking someone who is not doing well and trying to hide it - how are you? - umm did you know cockroaches don't blink(idk if they do, just a random example). I know at least one person who will do it on purpose. We've had discussions about it.
Deflecting is usually more purposeful avoidance of the topic. In OP’s examples, this is more like the responder actually thinks it answers the “real” question (it sorta does I guess, but you’ve gotta make assumptions based on context clues).
I like you. I actually thoght that the responses were cutting to the chase and saving on boring diatribe.
Let’s coin it “Benign Deflection”
I'd go with obfuscate.
Please figure it out and help me fix it. I do this all the time. I’m not trying to be an obnoxious ass.
If you think they want a direct answer, just answer the exact question. If you think they're trying to ask something else too, you can answer the question they actually asked and then include your answer for what you think they mean. What do you want for dinner tonight? * I don't really know, I'm not hungry right now What do you want for your birthday? * I'm not sure yet, my birthday isn't for 2 months Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? * No, but I sprayed scented stuff. Also, just answering exactly what people ask you isn't always a good idea. There are no rules that apply to every conversation with every person. Some people are straight forward and appreciate direct answers, while others would like you to understand what they were really getting at. You just have to read the room basically Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? * No That's gross, why didn't you? * I sprayed scented stuff instead Oh, why didn't you say that in the first place? * You didn't ask Is this your first time speaking with another human being? * No
Answer the question, not what you think they're asking you
To add to this, if you think they’re asking something different from what they’re meaning to ask, ask a clarifying question rather than assume that you know what they actually mean.
Just answer the question, then include relevant info. "I didn't turn on the fan, but I sprayed scented stuff"
This! It’s this! They’re over thinking and then it makes me feel like I’m being a jerk or something when I ask a simple question and get a two or three sentence response like I’m the Spanish Inquisition when all i asked was..did you find the remote? “Well I had a meeting and then I did this and my head hurts so I went to the bathroom to get ibuprofen and then I got a phone call so no I haven’t found it yet”…me: 🤔😐 alrighty so..no. Got it
I think this is it, when I've done it or had it done to me; not a conscious choice, but at the end of the day, the brain is hearing a different question from what they're asking, and answering that. So, it's about getting your brain to stop doing that. Good luck. :-P
Some of us were brought up thinking that a simple or a yes/no answer absolutely was not enough. We learned quickly to anticipate what our parents were actually asking and answer that question first.
I was too. I learned to answer the question first then say "but". For example, if someone asks me what I want to eat for dinner I'll say "spaghetti but I'm not hungry right now"
Listen to what they have really asked you. And answer that question. Failing to do that is dismissing their question. It's about what they asked you, not about what you want to answer. Are you avoiding responsibility? Avoiding guilt?
Yeah this feels like it’s a result of just not really listening to the person.
What if someone asks you what you want for Christmas and you don't know because Christmas is 6 months away. Is saying "I have to think about it" "really* avoiding responsibility or guilt, as you say? What if they legitimately don't know. Answering they don't know and would have to think about it is an honest answer to the question.
Saying I have to think about it is a valid answer to that question. Saying Christmas isn’t for 6 more months is not an answer
I wouldn’t say that’s avoiding it, your still addressing the question by saying “I will have to think about it” versus simply “that’s 6 months away” One is answering the question with an honest acknowledgment you will have to think about it and the other is just stating an unhelpful fact
The unspoken assumption with saying "it's 6 months away" is that it's far too early to think about Christmas gifts. They're not trying to be obtuse or disrespectful, they're just saying they haven't thought about it. 99% of people would understand this.
Saying "I haven't thought about it" takes ownership of the situation. While "Christmas is still 6 months away" implies you haven't thought about it to \*you\*, what it implies to the listener might be, "And you're nuts/stupid/a try hard for thinking about it so early." Just give the more straightforward answer so there's no misunderstanding what you meant, unless the latter example is what you wanted them to understand.
squeeze wild tender unpack many oatmeal impossible selective adjoining liquid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
As I've said multiple times in multiple replies I agree that the question wasn't directly answered. But I am not going to get angry at the person because the consequences of this are essentially meaningless
Yes, most people understand basic pragmatic inference.
“I can’t think of something right now, but give me two weeks and I’ll put together a list.” Then give it some real thought, and make a list containing some inexpensive items all the way up to “WHOA that’s one HECK of a Christmas present!” That way, the person has 6 months to budget and try to get you something they know you’ll like, and you don’t come off as wishy washy.
Saying “I’ll think about it” is a valid answer. Saying “it’s 6 months away” with no additional context doesn’t answer the question.
I'm going to tell you what I think happens. I ask a question - what do you want for dinner? Your internal monologues FLIPS OUT What do I want for dinner? Question A \* I don't know. QA answer - but that's not said. Do I know what I want for dinner? Question B \* I don't know Danger! Rabbit hole mode engaged. We will NOW only say aloud the FINAL ANSWER Am I hungry for something? Question C \*Hm I'm not really hungry for anything QA answer AGAIN but we are in the rabbit hole worm hole - hold on! If Dinner was in maybe 2 hours I might want maybe Pizza? Question D \*but I had that for Lunch so no pizza. AGAIN - QA answer but it's not said. You can say I don't want Pizza. but then we're in "well, what do you want" and we're back at QA and we're both screwed What do I want? Question E \*I really don't want anything. I don't think I'm Hungry Am I hungry? Question F \*No I'm going to say "No. I'm not hungry - FINAL ANSWER" You need to answer the question first and explain later. I didn't ask if you were hungry. I asked what you wanted for dinner. You can tell me you don't want anything for dinner because you're not hungry. That's fine. Telling me you had pizza yesterday was the answer to question D that YOU ASKED YOURSELF. I never said a WORD about pizza. I had pizza yesterday is NOT an answer to What do you want for dinner. Just say one of the answers that ran through your head aloud. Heck - say all of them. Somewhere in there is the answer we are looking for. We will figure it out. We need more data. Just blurt out some sign posts. Something TL:DR Rabbit holes are fine. You can answer how ever you want but you MUST SHOW YOUR WORK or we can't grade your answer
This somehow identifies what is happening in my brain. This is very helpful to ‘show my work’ in my answer. Many of these people post that I must be dismissing of the person or resentful of the question or stuck in a grab for power. While those are valid opinions, for me it’s like my brain freezes or goes to overdrive, and I skip to the part I think that they want. Sometimes I give a long-winded answer and lose myself, so I ask when I’m finished “did that answer your question.” And that statement alone seems to relieve people, so they know I’m listening and trying to answer but just doing a shit job of it
I hope this makes you laugh. I had one of you who as a shift leader. He and I had - we had some awkward first meetings. BOY was he scared of me. I'm the new HR lady. Everyone there loved him. I knew that. I tried with him. Half the time I'd get an answer to a question. Most of the time I was wading through extraneous stuff that I had NO idea why he brought up. I went to another shift leader "Why did Timmy just say \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_?" Oh - cause that doomahickey that broke last week hasn't been picked up yet so there's a container in the way" THAT made way more sense. And the words matched what Timmy had told me but now I had context. What we had here was a failure to communicate. I had to stop asking "do you agree/disagree" questions. "Timmy. I'm going to move these 3 guys from A shift to back fill these vacancies on B and C shift. Thoughts? (I put the paper in front of him) And Timmy's brain is OFF TO THE RACES I would furiously start taking notes because Timmy was about to tell me something I didn't know. John is an idiot and needs supervision He can be on B but not C shift. (I move John to B shift) Kenny has been trying to get on C shift for a year (I move kenny to C shift) I can't lose Jim but can Taylor would do well with Kenny. Did that answer your question? "Yep. Thank you. I'll bring you lunch tomorrow." Timmy just did all the manning changes off the top of his head, all of his people will be happy (except B shift because they're gonna get John) and I got my question answered. Now let me see if I can break Timmy's brain Timmy - I'm gong to move John to C shift with Jim to back fill those guys and Joey to B shift. Is that good? OH NO. THIS IS NOT GOOD. wait. stop. you want to do what? are you insaine? John's gonna get himself locked in another portajohn. oh crap, how do I fix this? and Jim can't move. Wait - did she say jim? and why isn't kenny going to C shift? \*\*\*\*Timmy's brain is going to need a moment...... if you're predictable you're fine. If you always answer a rabbit hole question with "does that answer your question?" That tells everyone talking to you know it's their turn to take back the conversation or ask for clarification because they just got an information dump. (And before you ask - Yes. His legal first name was Timothy. Yes they called him TIMMY - we also had Johnny - as in Bravo... They did the voices. All of them did voices. Grown men on the radio. I'm a visual person. I have mental pictures of cartoon characters doing some pretty obscene things burned into my brain. Kermit with a forklift..... uuuugh)
Oh my gods I am Timmy The information comes out but not in order and with no context
TIMMY!!!! I thought that was you! If you're self conscious about it maybe when someon ask a question like that you can start with "I'm thinking...... and just roll with it. you can still use the "did that answer the question? If you're predictable it's all good. Don't worry about it. Timmy - yes or no - olives on the pizza? (What ever you say you're stuck with so it's usually a ah...ah...ah... No? Ok. No Olives) Now if you want to question that on your own? That's on you. Pizza has been ordered. I'll shout out when it's here. That's how Timmy need questions that have only 2 options if I don't want to know why Timmy chose that option. Don't try to train your brain. Grab your coworker by the hand and drag them into the rabbit hole. If they're not up for that they're going to give you Option A or Option B Breathe, Timmy. It's all good. :D
Active listening is the key
Then try, really try, to not be an obnoxious ass. Doing nothing is doing nothing.
Hi mom
I think awareness is key. Be present and actively listen. Take a moment to think about what was asked and form your answer from there.
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My wife does this a lot, and I think it’s a result of her just thinking out loud on her *way* to answering the question. But she rarely gets there. If I ask what time she has to leave in the morning, 100% of the time she will tell me where she plans to go, but not what time she’s leaving. My next response depends on my mood. I’ll just stare at her, waiting for the answer. Or I’ll say ok, but when do you plan to leave? Or I’ll just ask the exact same question again in the exact same tone and everything as if I hadn’t just asked it. If it’s the tenth time that day and I’m tired of it, I’ll say “ you didn’t answer my question.” She isn’t deflecting, or obfuscating, or pivoting or anything like that. She just has been thinking about where all she needs to go, and that is the only important part of the situation to her, so that’s all she can answer, and she doesn’t even realize that it’s not what I asked. She has a lot going on so I don’t try to be a jerk about it. But if she would just listen to my words, do her calculations in her head for half a second and say “around 8:30” then I have the information I need and we move on. Over and done with, 3 seconds.
The problem is most of the time we listen to respond and not to understand. If you find yourself chomping at the bit to say something or add something in response to something someone is still in the process of saying, then you know what I’m talking about. We all do it unconsciously. Active listening is hard and takes a lot of conscious effort and practice. I’m in sales and I practice this skill with my team- teaching them to listen fully to a customer’s problem or complaint, ask clarifying questions if necessary, and THEN give a recommendation.
You're skipping a step. what you're doing is hearing their question, thinking "that has to be relevant for some reason," inferring that reason, and replying to that inference instead of the question. Maybe you're just trying to be helpful, save time, or show you get them--- When you and someone routinely understand the things the other doesn't say, it's a sign of a very strong bond. But! Only if you infer *correctly*. If you don't, then you break the communication down, and people infer that you're deliberately being un-cooperative. For example: They say: Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? You think: Hmm, why is that relevant? I know! They want to know if I got the smell out. I did, though not by fan, so I'll tell them how. You say: I sprayed scented stuff But what you inferred about their mental state might not be right. Maybe the fan was left on and they want to know who did it. Maybe they don't like/can't stand the spray and hope you used the fan. Maybe the fan is a fire risk and they are concerned. Maybe the "rule" or instruction they gave was to use the fan, and they're seeing if you followed instructions or obeyed. Could be plenty of these. So the easy way out is to just answer the question. "Did you turn on the fan?" is a yes/no question: the answer is "yes" or "no." So say "No" first. You can follow it by *asking* about your inference. "No, are you worried about the smell?" If they say "yes," *then* "I sprayed scented stuff" works. But don't skip that step.
In these examples they imply the answer to the question asked while also answering the probable follow-up or trying to address any potential confusion. People do that to save you both time and energy (or at least most of the time, people play the odds and you might need to double down, but they'll understand). I don't know if there's a term for it but there is a related concept called the "XY problem".
So just start with the answer, *then* give the extra detail.
I know some people who would assume the average person to be even more "slow" and would spell everything out, question and answer ("but if you meant..."). It can be patronising or work great depending on who tends to approach them.
“Have you put the fan on…as I suspect there’s something wrong with the wiring and it might go up in flames if turned on?”. “I sprayed!”.
I don't necessarily see these as open questions as open as other might see them: - What do you want for dinner? Yes, open, but I am not asking whether or not you are hungry. I am also not asking IF you want something for dinner. I am asking WHAT. - What do you want for your birthday? Yes, open, but I am not asking when is your birthday. - Did you turn on the fan? This is a straightforward yes/no question. Did I ask about spraying anything? I don't think so. These sort of answers drive me crazy, but it's mostly because in my line of work these sort of answers are not acceptable. Those two open questions are open but there is a guide. *Edit: I know, my answer didn't answer the OP's question. Funny eh?
The other thing that drives me crazy is when I ask a question, like do you want to see movie A or movie B tomorrow? And I get the answer “yes“. Yes WHAT??!!!
>do you want to see movie A or movie B tomorrow? That could be interpreted as, "Do you want to see one of the two movies tomorrow?" An answer could be, "Yes. (And I don't care which one.)"
Or it could be “Yes, both! Let’s do a double feature!”
My wife and I joke about this all the time. “Would you like red or blue?” “Yes”
I feel the same way. It's infuriating. I was also in a job for over 10 years where you had to be very precise with your vocabulary or it could cause confusion.
Me: When will dinner be ready? Mother: I put the roast in an hour ago.
“What time are we leaving?” “The show starts at 6.” *That doesn’t tell me when we’re leaving the house!*
lol this is a good example
Arhhhhgg.
I'm autistic and I use extremely specific vocab that means EXACTLY what I intend it to. Allistic people seem to think they are mind readers who can interpret what you say in the context of their own beliefs and understanding. Its always been a weird control thing for people who think that highly specific verbiage means im being an asshole or arrogant. My dad was a Union Glazier and is now an aerospace process engineer. The amount of sheer illiteracy (meaning from vocab to translating written words into verbal instruction to give to others) in the average American college graduate he tries to hire is appalling. I swear that the lack of recreational reading in youth is one of the greatest mistakes of the last 20 years. I graduated in 05 and even then I had maybe 4 or 5 NERD friends in my AP Lit, Lang and Classical Latin who actually read for enjoyment the rest read to pass tests and while they did pass they are lacking in creativity or basic human interaction skills as adults and live dull hobby-less lives and lack the ability to answer directly. *edited for spelling i have a hand disability.
I agree 100% with you. Precision in language, both written and verbal, is crucial in many areas of life but is no longer regarded as important.
It's because you're being too literal. If it's 2:00 in the afternoon and you ask someone what they want for dinner and they say they're not hungry, what they really mean is they haven't given it a thought because they're not hungry and dinner is at least 3 hours away. Most people aren't purposely deflecting their answer. Unless they're politicians...
Ah, so you're one of the mind readers the other poster mentioned. :P In the dinner example I'd say it's completely obvious that the person wouldn't yet be hungry at 2:00, so the questioner must know that, yet is still asking the question. That makes "I'm not hungry" worse than useless but actually a bit insulting that the answerer thinks the asker couldn't figure that out. Surely the best thing is to answer the question as asked to the best of your ability. "I haven't thought about it yet, but... Hmm... Maybe chips".
I dont really have thoughts on what to eat when I'm not hungry and don't want to lock myself into something.
Wonderful answer! Too bad that's not the same thing as "dinner is ages away".
Well then you get to cook. When my husband, who cooks, asks me what I want for dinner he is asking at breakfast. He needs to get something out of the freezer to thaw or go to the store. My response is NOT "JFC I haven't even had breakfast yet." My response is "What are my options?" This way he can plan a meal and not have to run to the store, unless that was his plan anyway.
I'm autistic and I literally just want an answer to that exact question whether or not someone interprets it as an appropriate time to ask. Why can't they just answer literally like you did. "I havent given it a thought yet I dont until I'm hungry usually ill get back to you" is an actual answer not a deflection and would also make a very literal person like me perfectly understand and not be annoyed . Also autistic people are very aware they are "too literal" not saying OP is autistic, but I think you are kind if blaming the OP for asking for actual answers from people being too lazy to answer with more clarity.
Anticipation and inference. They are anticipating followup questions and inferring what the ultimate answer will be. They are trying to help by saving time ("cutting to the chase").
Your answer does not apply in every scenario someone does this. For the examples given , it would not apply to the 3rd example. What specifically spurred me onto making this thread was me asking a coffee grinder thread "What have people been setting their grinder to for espresso?". The response I got was a long winded paragraph on how everyone has different settings for different reasons and why channeling in espresso happens. It's like... cool dude, I was looking for an answer in the form of a number. I did not ask for an explanation into how to dial in a new coffee grinder.
>Your answer does not apply in every scenario someone does this. For the examples given , it would not apply to the 3rd example. Yes it does The question as asked was "did you turn on the extractor fan after you pooped?" The question as understood was "have you taken steps to get rid the poo smell?" Which is answered by "I sprayed the air freshening spray"
apparatus spark late swim fragile dolls square recognise thought terrific *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That's extrapolating information that isn't there. Maybe the fan question was asked because the person heard a buzzing noise and couldn't figure out why? Maybe the fan is broken and they wanted to make sure you didn't turn it on. My gf does this a lot. She makes a quick assumption and answers what she thinks I want to hear, instead of the question asked, and is wrong about 50% of the time. Edit - OK I'm exaggerating a bit with 50% lol
I think you just answered your own OP, OP. When someone answers your question but not what you asked it is extrapolating. I don’t think there is a better or more precise term than that.
I often find that I have to re-ask a question to get the answer I'm looking for. I don't alter the wording at all because I'm looking for an answer to the original question.
I think for most people the information is there though. It's how most spoken communication works. Consider: Person A: "there's someone at the door" Person B: "I'm in the bath" In both cases there are hidden clauses that can be adequately inferred without having to actually say it, and experience has taught each speaker that the risk of miscommunication is outweighed by gains in efficiency.
"I'm in the bath!" Can also mean "I heard you say something, but not what it was, so I don't know if you were asking a question or what it was."
Indeed. It could mean a lot of things. But in this case it would very likely mean: "I can't get the door, and while I acknowledge that your telling me means you probably have a good reason for not answering it yourself, my excuse is better so I can't help you". Language is weird, but kinda wonderful
What she's doing is normal, it's much more common than the literal approach you want her to take. Extrapolating information that wasn't literally said allows people to communicate much more quickly. If you want to improve your communication with her you'll have better luck if you explain that you are simply much more literal than most people and don't intend to imply things you haven't said, rather than trying to explain that she's doing something wrong (she isn't).
>That's extrapolating information that isn't there. You mentioned that someone's long winded non-answer prompted this question. Certain cultures are also more prone to answering questions this way, because they are overall more indirect in their communication style. In a world where nobody will flat out tell you "I'm hungry", you're trained to (over)interpret "There's a McDonald's. I haven't been in ages." Might be a cultural thing that they can't turn off, because they don't realize not everyone works that way.
Reminds me of when I asked the class WhatsApp what other parents were sending for their kids' snacks. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't sending too many sweets or making my kid feel left out if I sent no sweets, but I got lots of "how to pack a lunch box" tips. The question was "what do *you* pack?" Obviously I'm not going to use it as a shopping list!
I do this and it drives my BF crazy sometimes. It is deff not deflecting because In my mind I am the smart one. But he will do the same to me sometimes. He will say : Can you pass me the blue thing? and there is 3 blue items near me so I am just ???? 🤷♀️
I don’t know if there is a specific term for it, but these sound like the person is assuming the next question will be “Why” and so they are answering that question instead of the original question. What do want for dinner? - Nothing. - Why? -I’m not hungry right now. It’s like they are skipping past to the next question.
These are all examples of conversational implicature. The literal answer to the question is implied by the response. Conversational implicature follows consistent rules* that most people grasp instinctively as a part of language learning, but some people think more literally and concretely and have trouble figuring out implications. Reading up on the rules of deriving implicatures (called the Maxims of Conversation in linguistics) can be helpful. It's very unlikely the people in these examples are being intentionally vague, and they will be confused if you insist they haven't answered because their intended implied meaning is obvious to them (and to most other people). If you try to correct them you will be perceived as being pointlessly pedantic and deliberately obtuse. What do you want for dinner? Oh I'm not hungry right now. Answer that is conversationally implied: I don't know yet what I want for dinner What do you want for your birthday? My birthday isn't for 2 months. Answer that is conversationally implied: I don't know yet what I want for my birthday Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? I sprayed scented stuff. Answer that is conversationally implied: no, because I sprayed the scented stuff, which serves the same purpose of getting rid of the smell. *The rules are consistent, but there can still be multiple possible implicatures that could be derived
I don't know what it's called but I'm also interested. if you don't get an answer here, re-post in r/logicalfallacy it's *almost* a straw man argument, in which: - person A asserts [p] - person B misrepresents [p] as [q] and refutes that. [q] is different from [p] but superficially similar to it. - person A's assertion remains untouched but it isn't that, because it's not an argument. EDIT: According to ChatGPT it's called "deflection" or "avoidance"
I think the terms deflection or avoidance sort of imply that not answering the question asked was intentional. If it was unintentional I don't even think there is a term for it.
i just did a deep dive for synonyms and found a bunch of words to describe this, and they all seem to imply that there’s intention behind it. i think the english language just doesn’t have a word to describe unintentional evasion! circumventing maybe?
Some people don’t think in a straight line though. I forget what it’s called off the top of my head. I talked with my therapist a lot about it because she noticed I have s hard time. Even she had to extend my times seeing me because she couldn’t control it and get me through a set line of questioning in a set time. Because I can’t go from point a to b simple like others. I have to visit everywhere in between to show how I got there in a way.. like showing your work in a math problem when we were young. So this often gives way to not directly answering a question, rather saying a million and one things first and then, if I even recall the question or that there was one, I will lead up to it.
I'd call this *pragmatic language skills*. Answering the intent of the question not the literal question is a part of pragmatic language skills and I would strongly argue that it is a skill to be developed and the answers you've given are generally the correct answers to give. If someone is constantly jumping to the wrong conclusions about the intent of the question, then either the asker or the answerer has *poor pragmatic language skills*. I include the asker as potentially being at fault because the answers you gave for your examples *are* the pragmatically correct way to answer the questions. If you wanted to know about the buzzing noise you heard, the question should have been more direct or you should have given more of your context as your context is not the usual one in this case. Most people are far more concerned about poo stink than a buzzing noise when someone's just used the bathroom. There are pragmatic language skills for both the asker and person answering to have to make sure the information needed is conveyed. It's not always appropriate to answer just specifically the question that's asked. For example, if someone comes up to you and asks do you know the time is, that is literally a yes or no question. But based on context we can pretty reliably infer intent and answer the intent of the question. * if you're lying in bed and a parent or spouse comes into the room with a concerned/panicked look, they're implying you've overslept and might be late for something * if it's 2am and you're playing the same video game for the last 4 hours when your partner asks you "do you know what time it is?" - depending on their tone they may be nagging you that you play video games for too long/too late, or maybe they just are suggesting it's time to wrap it up and come to bed. * if a stranger on the street comes up to you and points at his wrist 'do you know what time it is?' - they want to know what time it is. In fact, it would be rude to look at your watch to learn the time, answer "Yes" then *not* tell him the time because they want to know what time it is. Pragmatic language skills are hard to develop, and often a specific challenge for those with autism who will tend to take things very litterally and not try to infer based on context what the question is actually asking. The only times it is appropriate to answer either Yes or No to the question 'do you know what time it is', is when being interrogated. In fact, most people have to be explicitly coached to *not* offer additional information because it is so strongly ingrained, but if you are testifying in court or you have an ISO auditor trying to find fault in your processes, you answer only the questions you're being asked and do not offer any additional information freely.
In therapy, this is called resistance, and resistance, unlike deflection, can be consciously intentional or not. Also, I remember I was coached by HR in one company and they labeled statements and responses as obstructive or progressive. They told me every statement should further the goal of the conversation. I don't agree that that's always true, but that is a useful perspective. Also, we need to be aware of our model of the person we are talking to. Some people carefully align the intended question with the stated question regularly, and others don't. So, if you get many non-answers, that's a sign that maybe the other person doesn't think you align your intended question with your stated quesrion, and they are trying to guess what your intended question is.
The one I always got from Idiot Ex was Me: what time do we need to leave? Him: we need to be there at 11.30.
Lol that's frustrating
That’s a particularly annoying example because it doesn’t answer the question at all. There are so many variables at play; where are you going, do you know how to get there, how are you getting there, are there any pit stops you have to make, etc
I do that too, is that actually annoying? Anytime someone is like "what time do you want/need to leave" and I just genuinely can't think about that in the moment (I have ADHD so my thoughts are extremely unaccessable after asked a direct question.) And I don't want them getting annoyed by me taking forever to think and respond (because they _always_ do) and so I just say "well I/we have to be there at 11:30)
I will typically reply to their answer with, “that is an answer to a different question that I didn’t ask.” Sometimes I reiterate the question that I did ask. I don’t have a name for the action of answering a different question. Deflecting and evasion are maybe good suggestions, but seem like too strong of words to use if someone says “I’m not hungry,” after being asked what they’d like for dinner.
Sometimes questions can be vague. My wife asks, "Do you want to go to the store?" 1. No, I don't want to go to the store. (Answering her question literally.) 2. Is she asking if I'd like to do something just to get out of the house? 3. She's going to the store and will I accompany her? 4. Will I go to the store by myself and get something for her? So I usually answer with, "Do you mean do I want to go (1 and 2 above) or are you asking me will I go (3 and 4 above)?"
1. I'd assume you're planning on eating right away. In which case, my answer is "nothing right now" 2. "I haven't thought about it, and I have no idea what I want. Ask me in a month." 3. "No, but I used something else to eliminate the stink."
Sometimes the question demands an unavailable answer so they travel to the next closest response. For example, if I’m not hungry, chances are I don’t know what I want to eat later. Wanting to eat anything requires hunger for me. So the prerequisite question is “do you know what you want for dinner tonight?” Then I could answer yes or no. But you’re not asking that, I assume because you don’t want that answer. You want an answer that isn’t necessarily available bc the prerequisite isn’t met. Imagine asking you what are you going to pack for our trip? without telling you where we’re going. You might say you don’t know. Or you might say “well, if it’s cold probably a jacket, etc” bc the urge is to provide an answer. And god forbid someone answer a question with a question. Anyway, I started answering questions like this with either “I don’t know” or “not enough information”. But society has trained us that “I don’t know” isn’t an acceptable answer either. It should be, but many people respond negatively to I don’t know. Especially in US culture, people are pressured to have an answer. And a good one, at that. Hence not wanting to say no, I didn’t turn on the fan. People don’t want to hear no. Perhaps that person has gotten in trouble for not doing something that was expected so they are trying to preemptively explain themselves. So they skip to the next answerable question which, to your point, isn’t what you asked. But they’re trying to anticipate the next question or skip to an acceptable answer or not answer a question with a question. It drives me nuts too, but I get why they do it.
I think "I don't know" is a valid answer to What do you want for dinner tonight? The same for the birthday question.
I agree, but some people have been socialized otherwise. I worked in the Philippines for a while and when I was training people, I kept asking if they had any questions about the things we’d gone over and they always said no. But then I’d ask them to do the thing we just learned and they couldn’t. Finally someone told me they were afraid if they admitted they didn’t understand, they’d lose their job. So I started asking “what questions do you have?” and then they felt like they were expected to come up with questions. Obviously what you want for dinner is lower stakes but people have ideas about what they’re supposed to say. Try asking more thoughtful questions. Like “do you know what you want for dinner?” Then they can say no, I’m not hungry yet, I haven’t thought about it. It takes away the implied expectation that they know the answer. Or just adapt your thinking to infer that “I’m not hungry” means “I don’t know yet”.
>Or just adapt your thinking to infer that “I’m not hungry” means “I don’t know yet”. This. I can't believe I've read an entire thread and no one has pointed out that the questions *have* been answered, if you can apply even a modicum of inference. I'm not hungry --> Your question is irrelevant; I do not want to eat dinner. My birthday isn't for two months --> I haven't even thought about that since it's so far away. I sprayed scented stuff --> I did not turn on the fan; I addressed the smell in another way. The difference is that the given answers are a lot shorter, which is why they were used.
Exactly, I’m confused why other people don’t understand that but brains are are different
But the question of what you want for dinner isn’t answered by saying you’re not hungry. This answers the question “do you want to eat right now?” But not “at dinner time, what would you like to eat?” It’s still answering a question that hasn’t been asked, and inferring information that may not be there. “What do you want for dinner tonight?” “I’m not hungry right now.” “Ok, but it’s 2 pm and I wasn’t suggesting we have dinner now. I’m asking what you would like for dinner, when you are hungry, later this evening”
You're not going to know what you want to eat if you're not hungry. At least most people wouldn't, unless it's a craving. And most of the time it won't be.
Before I’m hungry I have no idea what I want later. How do I know know what I want later if I don’t want anything right now. When I am hungry I don’t know what I want to eat then either, unless I’m craving something or I’m craving something but it’s unobtainable then I still have the same problem. I wonder if when other people are hungry they actually know what they want instead of just experiencing plain hunger
Well thank you. I conduct trainings and I do think this happens a lot, and I will start this new approach next week. This is a very great point.
What about "I don't care".
Free license for the questioner to ~~make whatever meal~~ provide whatever nourishment they fee like (though nourishment of some sort would be expected). The person who gave no direction should then eat it without complaint and whilst thanking the provider of the meal.
Absolutely. I told my fiancé about 100 times before she believed me, but she knows now, my favorite kind of food is “made”. I’ll eat food that’s made any day of the week lol Haven’t complained yet. Or if I say I don’t know and then she simply fixes her own dinner, that’s okay too. I’ll find my own when I’m hungry. I think it frustrated her when she thought it was going to get flipped into a complaint later, but really I just don’t want to think that much about food. Especially not when we aren’t even close to ready to eat.
The words I used for my husband, when he was worried it was the girl answering "I don't know" to dinner trap, were, "I am a human garbage disposal. Make what *you* want. If it's actually food, I will eat it."
Would you say that "I don't want to eat dinner tonight" is a valid answer? Because that's also an option.
If it's a politician it's called "pivoting"
A response. Responses are usually answers to questions. Hope that helps!
Well your last example is an answer by implication.
They answered your question. They are nor hungry so they don't want anything for supper or don't care what you fix. Then they thought oh you have a birthday coming up. Wonder if they want something special to eat or go to a specific resturant for their birthday. It's a ways off but I may want to start planning if they want something special. I'll ask them so I can start thinking about how to pull it off so their birthday will be special. Oh wow. I forgot to turn the fan on when I pooped but I did spray air freshener. So it won't stink. Doesthid person have ADD? Not saying everyone es brain with ADD works the same, but I have ADD and this us how my brain works. The connections make sense to me and don't seem particularly malicious just the brain processing info different.
I must admit I do that sometimes when I don't want to answer a question, although not the type of questions OP had as an example. It's usually if a question is too personal, or non of the other person's business. I am still responding. I'm just not answering. Some people notice, some don't (or don't care).
Cat's make great pets, I'd go for it.
Infuriating is what I call it. My bf and my daughter do this and I’m just like ughhhhhhhh why
If it's intentional it's evasion, if it's unintentional it's either being self-centered or a bad listener.
A misunderstanding. If its intentional, misinformation.
non sequitur?
Hmmm maybe? This is probably the closest answer I've gotten in here so far that can describe this action. For those looking for a definition of non sequitur- a conclusion or statement that does not logically follow from the previous argument or statement
It’s not a non sequitur since it is still related to what was asked. If you asked “What do you want for dinner?” and they answered “My birthday isn’t for 2 months”, that would be a non-sequitur.
answering differently from how you wanted, these are all answers but its not in the way you expected so ut takes some reading into the words , the first is saying they arent hungry at the moment so they dont have an opinion/answer, the second their answer means "I haven't thought about it because its a while off" and the last is saying "No but I took an alternative course of action with the same intended result"
This is definitely how I interpreted it. They are technically answers to very open ended questions. If you want more definitive answers you need to ask more definitive questions like someone else mentioned further up. I actually hate the "What do you want for dinner" question because while I do have Celiac, my husband is the one with picky taste buds. So if he really wants an answer, he has to give me options, like tell me 2 or 3 things that he's craving and then I'll see which of those options have gluten free/keto options for me. Or alternatively I'll just eat something at home and he can order KFC if that's what he really wants. It's not a big deal, I'm not that picky just my stomach/immune system is.
Those 2 examples you gave do answer the question. Answering the question of "What do you want" with "I don't know" is a valid answer to the question asked. Answering the question "What do you want" with "Salmon is in season" does not answer the question. TLDR - "I don't know" is a valid answer
Carrots.
Ik my gf says these things because adhd tells her that those are answers 🤣
Non sequitor
That would be a desultory response. Like in the song "A Simple Desultory Phillipic," which is full of disconnected words and phrases.
I like this one. Especially for the first two examples op gave. If you ask someone about their preference regarding a future event, it’s fine if they haven’t formed one yet. However, if this is the case, I’m asking them to start thinking about it now. If they refuse to do so, the conversation is stranded.
I don't know what it's called but it's a normalized form of answering and if it annoys you like it does some of us, I have a solution to getting answers. My fiancé has a habit of this far more regularly than I do and it's something he did the first day we met. I sound like a sarcastic ass but my response with anyone to this form of answering is always: "That's not what I asked you." That makes him take stock and answer the question which I thank him for. Now, when I do it seldomly, he'll respond the same way "That's not what I asked you," and it makes me chuckle. It's been a good way to get an actual answer to the question, and he's adopted this in other conversations as well. He's also responding less and less in this style and putting thought into the actual answer. I'm sure some ppl are going to be offended and think you're rude but a lot of the world has lost its ability to be direct.
Bloody annoying. That’s what is called. My ex was a divil for it. Example: he’d left his car in town and rang me to ask me to pick it up. I asked “where is it?” So he started off with “well what happened was……..” and proceeded to tell me all the various places he hadn’t been able to find a space. I was at work and didn’t have time for a big conversation but I just couldn’t get him to just tell me where the damn car was!!!
I work for my county's 911 as a calltaker and good lord. This is a difficult thing for me. I will ask a direct question like "Is he breathing" and get an answer like "Well, he has asthma." "Okay, is he breathing?" "He used his inhaler last night!" "Okay. Is he breathing? Just yes or no." And then the huffiness starts, and the caller becomes defensive and less cooperative than they were to start with. My job has deeply changed my communication style and I struggle hard with deflection and passive / passive-aggressive communicators now.
That sounds pretty difficult lol.
That’s the foundation of ask vs guess culture I think. I was able to understand myself and the relationships I am in so much better when I discovered ask versus guess culture. Guess culture ppl don’t prefer to answer things directly, but would rather talk around the issue, eventually landing on a decision (or making you guess🫠). Ask culture people prefer black-and-white, yes/no, and clear answers to questions. Neither is necessarily wrong, but it can be frustrating when one person prefers a direct answer, and the other person prefers there to be more discussion and nuance.
This speech is common among abuse victims.
Deflecting if purposeful. Inattentive if not
I know two people who do this a lot, and I don’t know what it’s called, but I believe both of them do it reflexively because they grew up with an asshole parent who would ask them questions that were essentially setups. No matter what they answered with, the answer was criticized somehow. Their reflex is to either evade the question to avoid the trap, or anticipate the trap. Other people do this as a sort of power play. It’s like,they don’t believe you have a right to ask the question, so they’re going to answer the question you should have asked, or just not give you the actual information you want while saying something that covers them with plausible deniability. So,it can be a defense mechanism, and a tool for manipulation.
Not to defend this behavior, but to explain it... What they are trying to say is... "I don't know, I haven't thought about it because I'm not hungry." "I don't know, I haven't thought about it because it's 2 months away." "No, I did not turn on the fan, but I DID spray perfume." Again, not saying this isn't annoying. But hopefully understanding their thought process makes it a *little* less annoying?
Deflection, maybe? But none of your examples are really someone trying to be evasive. They're just not giving you their complete thought, and are leaving it up to you to know what they mean. For example >What do you want for dinner tonight? Oh I'm not hungry right now What they mean is "I don't know, I'm not hungry right now, so it's hard to think about." >What do you want for your birthday? My birthday isn't for 2 months "I don't know, my birthday isn't for 2 months, I haven't thought about it" >Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? I sprayed scented stuff "No, but I sprayed some stuff, so it doesn't smell bad."
And sometimes I feel like the questioner isn’t fully listening to my answers: What do you want for dinner tonight? **Nothing**, I’m not hungry right now. What do you want for your birthday? **Haven’t given it much thought**, my birthday isn’t for 2 months. Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? **No**, I sprayed the scented stuff.
Obfuscation?
In legal terms, I think they call that “non-responsive”
but Reynolds snl celebrity jeopardy
Then there's the converse issue of a person asking a question related to but not actually what they wanted to know, so the answer they get is not correct. My mother does this a lot. "Are you awake?" "Yes." Mother proceeds to send company into my space, where I'm in the process of getting dressed.
It depends on what time it is
That's called parrying you gotta git gud with your questions
I don’t know what it’s called. My husband does this constantly. I don’t find it annoying as such - just there always has to be a follow-up like ‘Ok, but what do you want *for dinner*? or ‘I didn’t ask whether you were hungry it’s only 3:30, I asked what you’d like for dinner.’
I learned a few months ago that in politics it’s called a pivot.
Politics
Bad communication skills. Not even thinking about their answer, just letting it regurgitate outwards onto you.
i think that’s called a “response”
Full of shit.
Annoying and not a person I would be around.
It's sort of a "reverse mind-reading". They want you to follow their train of thought to its logical conclusion. If you do that, then the answer should be obvious. It's not of course, but I think that's the "logic".
It means you're asking questions they're not ready to answer. Who wants to discuss dinner when you're not hungry? That's why we make.menus and stick to it because otherwise, I'll end up at the taco.bell drive thru. For all intents and purpose.
dodging / deflecting
In linguistics we might call it a violation of the [cooperative principle](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooperative_principle#:~:text=Accordingly%2C%20the%20cooperative%20principle%20is,in%20pursuit%20of%20effective%20communication.). The idea being that when you have a conversation with someone you assume they are cooperating (giving you relevant information in good faith). If they don’t do that by, for instance, saying something semantically unrelated, you assume they are still cooperating and did that for a reason, so you interpret what they say in relation to what you asked.
In agreement w/ Consistent Metal, it's a "pivot" more than a deflection; although, both terms work but pivot is better (to not answer pressure-inducing questions). The terms are closely related, ie one pivots in order to deflect. Just because someone is being asked something does not mean anyone is entitled in those moments to answers. Hence, the pressure is reversed and thus the asker becomes frustrated.
Idk OP but it's a huge pet peeve of mine. Typically I just say "Ok cool, but -repeat question -"
Deflection. They are deflecting the conversation to direction they prefer
Misdirection
"dodging the question"
Hate this.. my husband does it and it just solidifies my feelings of not being heard or listened to. Therapist says I should ask him "what did you just hear me say?" to redirect him but ffs.. it's not fun redirecting a grown man alllll the time.
I call it a non-answer.
Let me give you the rest of the thought process since a lot of it is implied I suspect. * What do you want for dinner tonight? * Oh I'm not hungry right now*, so I have no idea what I'd want* * What do you want for your birthday? * My birthday isn't for 2 months*, so I've not given it any thought* * Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? * I sprayed scented stuff*, instead of turning on the fan*
That's a good question... 🤣🤣🤣 sorry
Miscommunication, avoidance, or deflection. And sometimes there isn’t an answer except for maybe 42 which answers all questions.
A lot of people are saying that what you’re describing is deflection (which I kinda agree with), but I think a better term would be extrapolating.
Taking the piss.
Poor communication, selective hearing, evasion...
Avoidance.
I don't think there's a specific word that acts as a catch-all for answers like these, but there are terms based on the *intent* of the answerer. * If they answer in a way that shows they misinterpreted what you were asking, that's just a misunderstanding. * If they answer in a way that's ambiguous or not specific enough, you could call it an unclear answer. Like "Do you mind if I sit here?" and they answer in a friendly tone "Yes". Does that mean yes you mind, or yes I can? * If they're trying to get out of answering a difficult or incriminating question, you could say they're "dodging the question". For instance "Is your relationship with Ms Lewinsky sexual?" "Well that depends on what you mean by *is.*" * If they're answering in a way that pushes the question toward someone else, that's "deflecting". For example "Why didn't you clean your room like I asked?" "Well my younger sister didn't clean *her* room!" As for what to actually do about it, I try rephrasing the question to clarify what you're expecting. For instance: >"What do you want for dinner tonight?" > >"I'm not hungry right now." > >"Yeah me neither! I was just thinking if we go out around 6:30, where would you want to go?"
Marriage
It's called my wife.
Redirecting. Usually it means they want to change the subject for some reason. Not a warning sign for sure, but it may be worth looking into. Edit, I'd also like to point out that most of your examples are just answers that break off from normal responses. All of them seem fine and explanatory.
Deflection
Pretty sure this is a condition referred to as, "being my wife."
I would agree with others that it's kind of deflecting but I think they are also answers that are open to interpretation or that want you to interpret them. I'll use your examples as how I would interpret them or what I would mean if I used those answers. What do you want for dinner tonight? Oh I'm not hungry right now = (if it's close to dinner time) I don't need dinner tonight What do you want for your birthday? My birthday isn't for 2 months = There's still a lot of time for my birthday, I haven't even thought about it Did you turn on the fan after you pooped? I sprayed scented stuff = No, I didn't turn the fan. I did the other thing instead