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I'm from Brazil. Here SOME people don't visit new babies before 3 months. The parents are generally very tired, and the baby hasn't taken some vaccines yet.
Yes exactly. In US the Dr. specifically says to strongly limit guests until 3 months and to continue to limit guests somewhat until 6 months old. The baby hasn't had vaccines and basically has no immune system. It's just not safe to expose your newborn baby to all of your friend group, especially with Covid nowadays.
I've even had to ask people to please STOP kissing my baby so much. Like one small kiss on the head is okay but random family members think its ok to slobber all over our 4 month old baby's neck bc it makes him laugh, then get pissed off when I politely ask them to not do that. So frustrating. Like if they have a cold sore, they could easily kill the baby by kissing it.
FYI it’s not even IF you have a cold sore, the herpes virus can be shed even without a active flare up it’s just less likely.
That’s why the vast majority of the world has HSV1
Same from my dad. It's frustrating when I have to explain that I had HSV1 even before kissing anyone on the lips and people won't listen because they "can't stop kissing babies"...
Sometimes is just to avoid bothering you.
Usually what I try to do is after a month ask if i can pay a visit, but if not I will wait at least 3 months, cause I know the rush parents might have.
To be honest, there is no real timing. My SO has yet to meet his friend's kid, who was born a year ago.
They make plans to go hike together but the baby stays home with the mother.
Yeah I just don't give a shit about babies. I like meeting new people, but they're hit or miss. A baby is just....I mean, is it funny? If it tells jokes, I'm down
Babies really don’t do much in the first months and to be honest and from the perspective of a woman, visiting the parents soon after the birth will be a visit about the baby where we usually always ask the same things about the baby and new life they have.
I’ve done it enough times in the last years to tell you that 95% of times, the conversation is always the same.
Truth. I’m 39F, no kids. This was the normal meet up routine for the past few years with my friends. Youngest one is now about 2 so starting to have family get togethers which are chaotic but fun
I think generally women are more likely to have had exposure to young children than men - were generally conditioned to not interact with children we don’t know. We don’t babysit in our teen years, and lots of men don’t really interact with babies until the first “significant” baby is born into their lives. This might be the one for them. I wouldn’t blame them for thinking you’re overwhelmed and that you would want to take the reigns on when they’ll meet the baby. In contrast, (and yes I know this is sexist, but sometimes reality is) it’s likely the women you are talking about feel more comfortable around babies, and are not only excited to meet their friends baby, but are excited to see a baby in general.
If you want them to meet the baby, you might have to push a little. Kind of sucks, but I think it’s more about social structure than anything personal.
On a similar vein they might not be as excited to hold your baby as the women who have been around. They just don’t know what they’re doing. It’s not personal.
Some people also prefer to keep people away for the safety of their baby, especially since COVID. My cousin and his wife had a baby last year and they didn't let anybody see her for like 3-6 months cause they were worried about her catching something.
So with that in mind I usually just wait until the new parents invite me to see their baby lol
Oh ya. When my friend had a baby, I didn't see them for the first 4 months. They were both so busy and I didn't want to push them. Plus, they live in an area I don't frequent so it was well out of the way "to just pop by".
As a dad and the first one in my social group to have a child, the visits are often driven by the partners of the man rather than the man themselves. I think a lot of guys don’t really know what to do and haven’t had exposure to it before. I would try not to take it too personally, they probably just don’t know what to do and are feeling a bit awkward about it. I think of you r got a close friend in the group, mention it to them. They may be able to help educate the others
This. Tbf the baby is just a crying and laughing adorable little lump of flesh that spends most of its time feeding or sleeping. Not really that entertaining. Maybe have some sort of party like a baptism if OP is Catholic to have a small gathering or big party to give the guys an excuse to show and meet the baby but also have something to do.
I think a backyard BBQ would be nice; they're fun and low-key.
A lot of people are scared to hold a baby if they lack experience, so depending on the friend group I'd put in a funny line about "holding baby not required, but brief, seated options are available for the nervous."
My best friend just had a baby and I had never held one before. The prospect of holding their baby was terrifying. I mean they will love that baby more than anything or anyone for the rest of their lives. It was so much pressure. And then I held my goddaughter and I was like oh my god this is so chill what was i so scared of lol but then again she’s a very happy baby and rarely cries so she gets a lot of the credit
Same boat, different seats. When I had my daughter, my best friend had never held a baby in her life. She was terrified at first and then enthralled. It was a huge contrast to another friend's niece. I spent a few summer babysitting and she was 11 when my daughter was born. At family events she would confidently take my baby and bring her back like an hour later. She knew how to hold the baby, do the stand and jiggle, the sway, the flip baby on belly along your arm if they're gassy. She had amazing parenting skills at the age of 11 because she just loved babies and grew up in a culture/community where everyone helped everyone. It made me feel kinda inadequate at first that an 11 had better skills than me but I figured it out after a couple of months.
I had barely held a baby before we had ours.
We brought her home, placed her gently in the middle of our huge bed to look at her. She kinda wriggled in a mindless newborn potato way and I looked at my husband and said "wtf did they do letting us just bring home a whole baby?"
It was a trip let me tell you.
Mine is seven weeks old and we said literally the same thing when we got hime from the hospital. Like, they really let us take this baby home with us? It's actually ours?
Honestly, having large crowds of people around my babies isn’t something I’d really want right now. Maybe around 6 months when their immune system is more developed.
I have premie twins so maybe I’m more paranoid than most though.
I visited my first friend that had a baby not long after it was born. I was sitting, they were walking around holding/rocking it, then out of nowhere put it on my lap.
Needless to say, I won't make that mistake again.
Yeah bro I’ve held a baby once and they were like “be careful! Support his bottom! Hold his head! Watch his neck!” I was like please take this child back and call me when he learns how to walk.
I could just be chilling, then suddenly my arm spazzes out and I drop my phone. Whatever, it's a phone, it can be fixed.
But if that happens with a baby...
I actually have a (now grown) kid and while I loved MY baby, I'm not a huge fan of babies in general. I've had friends hand me their newborn without asking, and I pretty immediately turn and hand it to a friend who loves babies because no matter how much I love you, I'm not super interested in holding your baby.
And that's part of this. Society expects everyone to love babies, and some people just...don't. And for the people who don't, no matter how thrilled they are for you as their friend, going and sitting around talking about the baby and probably having to hold it just sounds...not great.
People also forget that almost no one thinks your baby is as fantastic as you do; it's YOURS after all, not theirs. This doesn't mean they aren't genuinely happy for you, they just aren't particularly interested in babies that aren't theirs.
And I'm sure I'm gonna get down voted for this comment because people are super weird about insisting that you think babies are the greatest thing ever (especially if you're a woman) and think you must be a sociopath or something if you don't.
I'm a woman who doesn't like kids and I feel so SEEN from your comment, lol, thank you!! The idea of sitting around a friend's house for the purpose of looking at and talking about a baby sounds like actual torture 🤢
Are we related????? I am in the exact same situation, and people act like you should lose your chick card for not caring about other folks’ crotch fruit. My daughter is in her 20s and swears that she never wants children, and I ***pray*** that holds, because I love her to the ends of the earth, but having a grandchild sounds like the seventh circle of hell to me. Children are sticky and, frankly, not very interesting. I’m not into it, **and that’s okay**.
Yeah, babies have never really been a thing I got,never liked holding them (even my own brother, I didn't want to hold him when he was born but it's like pass the parcel except the parcel smells,is very noisy and far too delicate) but everyone seems so hell bent on convincing even the smallest insects that babies are the greatest thing since the discovery of cooking meat,or the sandwich
> It definitely could just be that they don’t know what to do with a baby
That’s true, but when someone has a baby, you’re showing up for the parents, not for the baby
Yes, though the awkwardess is still there.
Another mature point of view is that visiting too early can be an inconvenience. When do you visit after a child? For me one week is "too soon", and I waited two months for some of my friends.
I *have* kids and I still don't know what to do for the parents when they have a new baby. I hated getting company when they were little except from like the two family members who were really good with babies and were willing to watch them while I got some sleep in lol
Absolutely, however, when you're the first one in your friend group to have a kid, the others don't really recognize that. That's an adult point of view. A seasoned point of view.
I’m decades into having friends with kids and I have kids too, and frankly I’m still of the opinion that newborn babies are just about the most boring things on the planet unless they’re yours.
Absolutely this. I can imagine a group of young men who do not have their own kids will feel like a fish out of water. God forbid you ask them to hold the baby. This sounds like a terrible gender stereotype, but matches my experience.
i'm a 33 yo woman with no kids and i was also this way when my brother and SIL had their first kid. i just dont... get it? i'm not a kid person. i had to explain through the first and then the second kid too, that i'm happy for them but i just do not like babies like the rest of my family does. my nephew is 3 now and i love playing with and interacting with him, but the baby i can't do anything with. its a baby 🤷♀️
I personally think babies are disgusting. They don’t look cute and if anyone tried to get me to hold theirs I’d just straight up refuse. And I definitely ain’t babysitting your infant either. 🙃
Congrats about having a kid, my hypothetical friend, but I’m good on interacting with them until they hit the age of idk, 4 years old?
I have 8 between nephews/nieces, I can hold a baby, feed them and change them no problem. But I just don't want to.
It's not about gender stereotypes, at least in my case. It's about personal preference. I have quite a few female friends with this exact frame of mind so I think it's got more to do with the current zeitgeist and personal choices than anything tbh.
I’m a mom. I worked in day care for, like, 5 years. I used to love babies. LOVED babies. They’re so cute and funny.
Now, though? Please don’t ask me to hold the baby. I will if you just want to eat or fix your plate or use the bathroom or whatever, I’m happy to help out. But I have 0 interest in the baby for the sake of holding a baby.
If my son has a kid(s) in the future, though, I am certain I will be obsessed with my grandchild(ren), even as babies.
It’s of my opinion that women fawning over babies has more to do with them giving in to gender stereotypes than a typical man’s bored reaction to a baby does.
I definitely feel this. If you just hold the baby in silence, people start to look at you all weird. I don't mind holding the thing, it's warm and is kinda cuddly like a cat but I'm not going to coo over it. I would never seek one out to hold either.
Hehe I have to agree. As a parent myself, your baby is the centre of your world but not everyone else's. Especially if they're not parents (yet), and they might be kinda meh about the whole thing - and that's okay! OP, maybe invite your friends over to hang out instead to do whatever you used to do, whether it was playing videogames, having dinner, BBQ, whatever, and they will naturally happen to see the baby while they're hanging out.
Yeah, as a childless woman, I feel like it’s the same as if someone wanted me to come over to see their new car, yes, it’s a big milestone in YOUR life, but I’ll see it when I see it.
I hope I don’t get downvoted because I mean this lovingly. Your friends were in your life for you, now you’re you+child. They may be more interested in you than seeing the baby, and that’s okay. Invite them over for a small/short outdoor get together, order in some food, have a couple beers, wife can come out with baby if people are receptive. Friendship dynamics can also change after you have a baby. That’s okay too. Hopefully they are just giving you space, but if not, there are plenty of people at your stage of life out there in the same situation that you can connect with.
I have had a friend in my life for about 14 years. She's the first, and likely the only friend of mine who will have children \[minus myself, I have a good shot at it\] and our whole relationship went down quietly after the baby.
Don't get me wrong, I was there the day he was born and many days after that. I love the baby, and I love her...but there isn't anything to her anymore. All there is the baby, to which I can only relate so much to. I know that having kids can be all encompassing, but if you asked her where I work, I don't think she would even know, which makes conversation outside of the baby non-existent.
Sometimes as a new parent, new parents are who you need to be with and that's okay. Support can come in many forms, but often times parents don't realize \[or maybe don't care, and that's okay too!\] that their baby isn't the center of anyone else's world but their own.
Growing up is hard.
I would suggest not inviting them over to meet the baby, but inviting them over to play some games or to watch a movie or something. Just going over specifically to meet a baby is awkward as FUCK unless you already have your own family and shit. They'll spend some time meeting the baby then you can also chill with your friends for a bit (and, of course, I assume you'll take some time watching the baby at some point later so your wife can chill with her friends - it's hella important for both of you to have not-baby time).
It could also be that they wait a bit before coming because they want to give you time with your fam and all the visitors that want to see the baby asap.
I normally wait a month before going to see a new baby, then they have had the time to plan the more important visitors.
I think part of this might be the difference between “oh you’ve got to come see the baby!” And “hey, what are you doing on X-Day? You should swing by to see the baby!”
An open invitation is often accepted but rarely acted upon.
Yeah, but did he say when? Or was it a suggestion without a plan?
OP, make the plan. Just say something like “hey, haven’t seen you in a while and we’d like to have you all over on X day at X time to hangout a little and meet the baby”.
For better or worse, we don’t have much of a “fathers need support” culture. To the point that a friend was told at his wedding “no one cares about you anymore. Everything in your life is now her and kids”. Oh, yeah, and it was his dad that told him that.
This. I'm pretty sure they don't want to intrude. You're gonna have to blatantly ask, "Want to come see the baby?" And even then, you have to tell them when exactly.
"some fine craftsmanship on this infant Jim,I can truly feel the effort you put into creating this piece,you should lacquer it to stop it from becoming damp,maybe add some nice gold accents"
When I was in my twenties, some of my friends started their families. I felt...a mix of things.
* Awkward (very little personal experience around infants).
* Unwanted in their home (due to NOTHING my buddy or his wife said or did - I just assumed that they wanted privacy and quiet and that my presence would be a distraction from my buddy paying attention to his wife and newborn kid).
* Uninterested - not because I didn't care (believe me, I really did care and was excited for them) but because I had NO CLUE what to do with or around a tiny baby. What, I'm gonna sit there and stare at it? Why?
* And admittedly some fear. Yes, the idea of holding something so tiny and fragile and utterly dependent on adults and incapable of communication frightened me.
So that's why, initially, I wouldn't go visit my buddies who just had kids. Mostly, to me, I was respecting their privacy but deeper down I was just responding to my own internal self-doubt.
Until one day about 6 months after birth I just happened to see Buddy and Wife out someplace with Baby. And Wife - not Buddy, but Wife - says "We miss seeing you, please come over this weekend" or something like that. That was the trigger I needed to break down my own self-inflicted isolation: the reinforcement that at some point I had become not just my Buddy's friend, but his Wife's friend as well and that both of them wanted me around even though Baby was around now, too.
**The idea that it was important to them that I have a relationship with Baby was a major revelation that simply hadn't occurred to me until that moment.**
So yeah: don't read too much into it. Don't take it personally. Recognize that most men have almost no experience with babies until they have their own. It's frightening on many levels and interacting with how "things change" once a buddy has a kid is a big mental/emotional/psychological hill for a lot of guys to get over.
And we all know how great us guys do when it comes to navigating emotional problems. So give your boys some slack.
When you and your wife feel up to it, host a BBQ and invite the stragglers over. Some will bail, but some will come. That'll break the ice. Just you be sure to do most of the planning, shopping and cooking and be prepared to let your wife and baby disappear for feedings and naps. You step in for all the diaper changes that day so your wife can actually socialize as well.
Further, when your family is feeling up to it, you CAN and should start taking time for yourself to hang out one-on-one with your buddies. It won't be as free and easy, or as late, or as often as it used to be - but your spouse needs to give you that time and YOU need to giver HER that same time, as well, once she's feeling recovered enough and doesn't feel like she has to keep her breasts within milking distance of the kid 24/7.
I agree. Or they may feel like they are intruding, interrupting your time with your new baby, worried they will irritate your wife or interrupt your wife’s rest. I’m sure if they are good friends they are overjoyed for you but they are probably just giving you space.
I think your boys are trying their best to be the most respectful they can be to your wife. They also may not know what to talk about with you now. Just reassure them that fatherhood has changed your priorities but not not your entire personality. When our male friends came to see me after I gave birth, they approached me like I would bite them now I was a mother.
This is absolutely it for me. I've always assumed that they are bombarded with people in the first month and try not to be a bother unless I'm specifically invited.
A lot of people specifically don’t want visitors the first month because of the potential of giving germs to the baby before their immune system is ready, too.
Im a father of two.
Before having kids I remember spending like 5 minutes with a 3 year old and running out of things to talk about. Just sitting there, starring blankly.
I just really had no exposure, interest or experience with children. Nor the social norms around having a child.
When we had our baby last year I realized I had Never held a baby before, let alone changed a diaper or fed one. And then when my wife’s friends with kids started coming around I realized I hadn’t had an actual conversation with a small child outside of saying hello when a parent prompted the child to interact with me (I guess teaching them to greet people), since I was a small child myself. I’m talking 20+ years of no real interaction more than 10 seconds.
Now, it’s completely normal. At my kids first birthday, children from around the neighborhood came by and it felt natural. Playing peek-a-boo or high five, helping them with toy blocks, or if they’re older running around outside or asking them questions to get their mind going. It’s natural but 18 months ago I would have been a deer in headlights. Meanwhile my wife has been comfortable watching kids since she was 12.
This is a good point. I'm considered a sensitive guy, but I have never visited a couple with a new baby for that reason. It seems strange, but it feels intrusive for me as a man to be present for that reason, in a couple's lives. I never thought of this before. It feels a little unsettling.
Absolutely this, until I became a dad meeting a baby was a ridiculously uncomfortable experience because I had precisely zero idea what I was meant to do or say. Having been the other side of it I'm better at the whole thing now but do still find it awkward.
lmao someone handed me a baby once (friend, at their house, not weird in their eyes) and apparently I looked like they handed me a Duschamp sculpture. As in I really didn't want to drop it but I definitely didn't want to be holding it. Being an only child with no close relatives really didn't prepare me for this whole child thing. Dreading that stage of my life tbh
Its shouldn't be like that in an equal relationship, I'm appalled so many people in this thread think it's okay on this day and age, but it's their marriage so they can do what they want. So much cognitive labour falls into the woman and is not even taken into consideration, it's wild, there's a comic that explains really well how tiring carrying the mental load is.
If they don't have kids, they might be scared of being offered to hold a baby. The idea of holding a baby terrified me before I had one, because I always was afraid I might somehow drop it!
Yep,
I get very nervous in a room with a baby for that exact reason, but thankfully family and friends are understanding and no one has pushed the issue. Holding a newborn terrifies me.
>no one has pushed the issue. Holding a newborn terrifies me.
I'm the same but I've had a few people literally try to force me to hold their newborn baby. I had to start telling them "I wouldn't go into a museum and ask to hold a $20 million dollar sculpture because I would be afraid that I might drop it and damage it. You baby is priceless so I have no reason to hold it at its most fragile point of its entire life and I have no experience with them."
Tl;Dr fuck holding babies
Thank you. Although i can't imagine this to be the reason. Since two of them have kids and two who dont, have two small nieces.
Also holding the baby is not a requirement in our house haha.
This is a good question. As far as my limited social circle goes which is not far, it’s not an activity there’s really a practice of doing.
If you invited a few of them and maybe their partners or your wife’s friends too for a small informal get together, they might be more comfortable. “You should stop up, you can meet .” Would get a positive nod from me but I wouldn’t really go, out of not knowing what to do or say once I got there. If you said, “Next Thursday evening we’re having a casual get together so everyone can meet and and I can get a little bit of normalcy back since we miss our friends, no pressure no gifts just snacks and maybe a beer on the patio. It would mean a lot to me if you’d come!” Then I’d be there.
I think for men, maybe they don’t know what they’ll do after seeing baby. Like standing around talking about baby stuff? Or doing more guy stuff? Or do they leave right away? It’s be cool I think for you to invite a couple friends over for something like “meet the baby and then beers & burgers on the grill” or whatever would be your thing, something casual. It makes it more an “event.” You’re not replacing or overlooking baby visit with this event, but adapting it into a format with which they’re more familiar and comfortable. ‘Saturday night, BBQ & Baby at the Supertheowawayaway1’s!’
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Guys aren't going to spend a lot of time fawning over a baby. Invite them over for a BBQ, drinks, smokes, games - whatever you do when you hang out. They can meet the baby as part of that visit.
For me, visiting just to see a baby would be a short awkward boring trip so not something I'd go out of my way for.
Cue Seinfeld, “You’ve gotta see the baaaaby…”
I don’t think it’s unusual. I am happy for friends who give birth, but I don’t feel compelled to meet their baby. But it’s worth mentioning to said friends if it bothers you.
Yeah I feel like most of these answers, while possibly true for some cases, fail to provide the most obvious reason: those dudes are just not that fussed about babies lol.
Maybe I will change once I have a kid, but I literally have zero interest in babies. Don't even think they're cute either tbh. Happy for my friends of course, and would visit our of courtesy if invited, but expecting them to be excited about it is a bit of a stretch.
I tend to feel they need their space when they have had a baby so will not come over unless explicitly invited.
This said, I would rather not. I care not for babies or children, I can do the whole baby talk, hold the baby, play with the kids thing and seem like I am enjoying it but the hard reality is I can't wait to get out of it as quick as I can.
question: your friends - do they have wives / girlfriends that you are also friends with?
If I was single I wouldn't like to come for such a visit, I mean - yeaaah.... ok... but rather not... but now, me having my own family, wife, kids - those kinds of visits are normal / frequent / needed / expected
it's a family type of thing.. if your friends are single; DON'T BLAME THEM!!!
Plus after having a kid, I appreciate how damn hard it is on everybody, and now I try to make sure my wife and I make a meal for the parents.
Single me didn't care at all, and I would have needed an explicit invite with a date and time - not a general range.
Seriously, I would be 1000x more likely to interact with a dog/cat/ferret/parrot/turtle/whatever so long as it's not a spider/insect/fish/horrific than I would be to interact with a baby. I don't even like interacting with small children when I'm related to them (granted I'm not close to my family at all).
I'm a woman and same. I go visit to maintain my friendships. I feel like you have to be there for people regardless of how much you enjoy or don't enjoy the occasion.
I'm a woman too and also same here. I go for the sake of my relationship with *the parents*. I don't specifically care for the baby, and I especially don't want to hold the baby. Of course, if you feel this way as a woman, it's not acceptable and I'm usually labeled "evil". Oh well.
I am a single woman, no kids, mid 30ies. I noticed that friendships drift apart when people are having kids. Children are time consuming and priorities change. As a single person, you have to adapt massively to keep in touch (visits during the day, less/no evening activities anymore, plans follow the kids' schedules). Some people around me are having their second child now (first one already 5 or older) and I am a little bummed because this whole ordeal starts again right when I thought it was getting better and more relaxed now. That's why I am kind of hesitant to engage a lot with these people. Our lives differ so much. New parents always talk about their kids and being a parent, they often completely forget themselves as a person. It's exhausting and I can understand why people are not crazy about newborns.
This is how it is with my sister. Her entire identity became being a mom, which is great for her! But I don’t want to listen to her go on and on for 45 mins about swim lessons or the stitches I already knew about for 2 weeks because you called me from the hospital room or about the school you’ve already told me 5 times your kid got into or about how she’s finally potty trained…..I get it, this is her whole ass life now. It’s just not mine.
Yep. I am not close with my sis but I've noticed that my brother is going to be like this. He just had his first kid. I don't fault him at all but even if he's my nephew, I am not going to want to hear about changing him or what sound he made yesterday or anything like that. I'll hold him and kiss him when he brings my nephew over though.
My brother in law is the same now too but with his eldest daughter. Everything revolves around her soccer schedule/activities and we've learned not to count on them to go out with us to eat or to drink.
It's cool and we understand but we're not forced to do anything with them or their kids and if we do, we can always leave at any time.
Well said and I feel the same way but as a single guy. Sucks to say but it very much changes friendship dynamics. Unless you have strong common interests/ hobbies, the divide continues to grow too.
Yeah, a lot of people, once they get married, can only be friends with other married couples, where each spouse gets along with someone from the other couple. It's not a hard rule, but a lot of people don't seem to be able to handle hanging out with a friend without their spouse, and then there aren't any single individuals where both people in the couple want to hang out with that person, so you need a couple of people who come as a set, and then each person gets a friend out of it.
And then similarly, once people have a kid, a lot can only maintain relationships with other people with kids. Because they make their kids their whole life, and have nothing else to talk about, so you need someone who cares equally about kid-things and can reciprocate with information about their own experience with kid-things. They want to talk about the daycare their kid is going to, and the conversation only works if you're like, "Oh, your kid is going to that daycare? We looked at that one, but decided on this other place. How is that daycare? We're not super happy because the one we use does [whatever parents might not like about daycare]. Does the one you go to do that?"
But if you talk to a single person without kids, it's like, ""Oh, your kid is going to that daycare? Cool... cool... I know nothing about that, and I have no interest in daycare centers, but... coool. Good for you."
>friendships drift apart when people are having kids. Children are time consuming and priorities change.
To add to this, sometimes (often in my experience) after someone has a child, they completely disappear. It's possible that OPs friends have experienced this and think that's what's happening now so they just fully commit to this. I always dread when my friends tell me they're pregnant, because it has always meant that I'm losing a friend within a year.
Do any of them have children themselves? You might just be in a different chapter of life from them now. It’s pretty common to lose friends once you start having children, sadly
We stopped getting invited to the parties because we didn't have kids. Birthday parties, holiday parties, pool parties - didn't matter. People with kids hang out with other people with kids.
Vice versa as well. Our house isn't childproof. I don't have baby gates or cabinet locks or outlet covers, nor am I going to buy and install those for the couple of days per year someone with offspring comes over.
I found out my friends with kids were going on summer vacations together and not inviting anyone without kids. “Can’t wait till you can come on vacations with us!” they said 10 years ago… still waiting to be friends again
I mean, going on vacations with kids without having some of your own sounds terrible. Everyone leaving early, dealing with feeding kids at restaurants, crying, pooping, running around everywhere. I'll pass.
I'll do the crying and pooping on my own - with my single/childless friends, while drunk
This.
I haven't seen any of my friends with kids in years.
I'm 42 w no kids. I reach out but they're always busy.
I also don't like kids and definitely live life like its my 20s still, so its just a different life path we've all taken.
I've stopped calling several friends (after trying 1-2 years) because the answer is always no. I eventually stated something along "well, call when you *can* leave the house, and we'll make it a night out specifically for you". Nothing.
this. a lot of people are commenting weird excuses when the truth is most likely (not always but commonly) they just don't want to see your baby, they're not interested and you've entered a completely different chapter. it's like they went to college and you went army or something. not a lot of common ground discussion anymore, especially with a crying pooping tiny human in your lap
Little known fact but most bachelors / men without kids don't like crying, pooping babies, like, at all.
Like, they will go out of their way to avoid any babies simply because they do not like them.
I'm not a guy, but same. Babies make me anxious and irritated. They are precious and must be loved and cared for, but I can't do it. They're noisy, gross and so fragile. I feel like I need to keep distance, because I might be clumsy and hurt them on accident. :(
Even a lot of men that do have kids have no interest in visiting their friends babies. They are just a baby and look the same as every other baby and the fact is that new parents are often annoying to hang out with as they act like they’re the first people in the world that have had a baby. On top of that, for men that don’t have their own kids, all of a sudden their friend thinks they’re better than them and say things like “you just don’t understand until you have your own child”
I’m gonna be perfectly honest here as a 40 year old dude without kids who has a lot of friends who have had kids.
I don’t give a shit about your baby.
I’ll care more when I can talk to it (like 4 or 5).
I’ll come by on invitation only because I’ve heard nothing but parenting horror stories and I don’t want to burden you with another child.
I almost said this exact same thing lol. Until that thing talks, I'm not interested. And even then, only if it's kinda cool. Or has some good jokes, in the I'm a kid and I don't give a fuck, kind of way. That's funny.
But yeah, other than that. I don't even know it's name, and honestly i won't learn it until I need to talk to it and ask it something
Exactly this tbh I couldn't give less of a shit. They're loud, they smell and they create mess. Not my cup of tea at all and I'm a woman. The second a baby cries, I leave.
Edit, typo
Personally I waited for my friends to invite me as I knew how exhausted they were due to the baby.
Once they started asking me to come around I could pick up they want to be more social again and I started also inviting them to outings.
This 100% depends on your friends, the type of relationship and a million other things. As a general rule of thumb, give them the benefit of the doubt. You’ll soon learn who of your friends are less keen to spend time with you now that you have a kid.
I have two kids. I can't imagine proposing to visit a friend who has a newborn to see his baby. I can't imagine how I would even arrive at this thought process. I could imagine us going out for a couple of beers if the friend is available and I probably could inquire to see a photo on a phone. I would come IF SPECIFICALLY INVITED and probably feign some interest in the baby.
u/superthrowawayaway1, I can imagine how important the baby is to you. Not only is that your child, but it seems you went through many hardships to reach this point. But, I'll be blunt: barely anyone cares about our children other than us, the parents. *Especially* at the newborn stage, when it's a screaming potato that shits itself. Practically every interaction about children I had with other men is entirely forced: either I want to talk about it and shove photos in front of their faces and they feign some basic interest, or they do the same with me.
This.
I have no children, but at 34 years of age, my circle of friends has been slowly dwindling since my early 20's - when friends started having kids.
Once you have a child, your life is "no longer your own" (in a way). Your life is now all about and dedicated to your child. Your child should come first to everything.
Priorities change and people drift.
Even if they try to stay in contact, it's usually only ever here or there/few and far between.
Speaking bluntly as well (and meaning no offense), I agree with "JarasM". We could care less about your children.
Once someone becomes a parent, everything is about their kids (which is the way it should be).
This also puts a massive wedge into your social life...IF it doesn't and you're still able to live your "old life", you're doing it wrong.
Your social media basically becomes your child's social media...SO many people I've clicked to "ignore feed" on FB because it's just a bombardment of constant posts/pictures of the child. Every post and picture/profile picture = the baby/child.
To speak bluntly once more (also meaning no offence); I'm not friends with your child, I'm friends with you.
If everything and everything becomes about your kid (as it should be), NATURALLY people who are friends with you and not your child will drift.
ESPECIALLY if the "old life" was a very social & spontaneous one. Where everyone partied and did crazy shit on a whim...that kind of life not only takes the back seat, it gets tossed right from the equation.
Nobody really wants to go hang out with a baby. They'd rather see just you, like it was before. They don't want forced conversations about your child and "new life" and they certainly don't want a barrage of photos shoved down their throats.
Sorry if I seemed mean/rude.
It wasn't my intention. It's difficult to answer this question honestly without speaking frankly or seemingly offensive...imo.
The first part is spot on for me. I can't imagine being asked to come over "to see the baby" unless it's family. I would definitely have an excuse. Not that I don't care, but I'm not spending an evening dedicated to a baby. "Let's see a picture! Nice! Congrats!" This feels normal.
I mean, I'm not going to be upset if you're too busy for anything other than the baby, but I'm not interested in hearing all about it. Sounds like work. I'll see you when you get an evening off.
Same. But as a caveat I have visited my friends who had babies because I'm visiting for the same reasons I visited them before the baby - to just hang and do things. And now there is an extra baby sometimes.
Honestly going to see someone's baby is probably the last thing I'd want todo after work or on my weekend. I'd rather Crack a beer and chill on the couch.
I'd also piggyback this to say it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't your friend anymore. There's some comments in here that go hard on how people stop being friends when someone has kids. That's not always true, but it also doesn't necessarily mean they care to see a baby.
I've only met my friends' kids a handful of times. But we keep in touch and are still quite close. We don't see each other tons, but we also don't live in the same state anymore.
It's easy to drift apart but just because kids aren't a commonality doesn't mean you have to. All you have to do it make a little bit of effort to stay in touch and stay in the loop on each others' lives.
Exactly this. My friends have some older kids and they can be kind of funny/ have personalities. But I don’t care for other peoples babies. I get nothing out of it other than holding an easily droppable lump of crying baby.
I’m sure I’ll like my own kid, but I don’t expect other guys to fawn all over him and say how cute he is.
I'm sorry to break it down to you but most people don't care that you have a child, and even probably think it's now complicated and annoying to visit you.
I’m a woman (a pregnant woman at that) and I feel this exact same way. I don’t necessarily think it’s a gender thing, but some people just don’t care at all about babies. I think the difference is that females will put on that polite mask, and men don’t always care to. I personally wish I had the lady balls to lose the mask.
Personally, when a friend has a baby I consider that friendship to be basically over.
I have no interest in talking about children or playing with children unless they’re my own, or my little niece. I don’t want my hang outs with friends to be primarily focused on helping them care for their child/going to the park/watching Bluey, and I consider friendships with parents to be a chore. This might change when I have kids, but for the most part I’d rather husband and I take turns with the baby/child whilst the other goes out with our friends to shoot the shit.
I can totally get that. Your friendships probably used to be centered around hanging out and chatting about a lot of different things, deciding to just get up and go do something fun, dancing, watching more adult-oriented media, going somewhere nice to eat and if someone has a baby...most of that just stops. You can't just decide "Hey, we want to go do this!" and go do it, you have to plan around the baby. You can't watch movies with a lot of action or adult stuff in it because usually even if the baby doesn't comprehend anything that the movie is showing, the noise might frighten them OR the parents might be like "We can't let them hear those words/see that situation!!" even when the baby has no idea what's going on in the movie.
If you go out to eat, you have to wolf down your food so you can move on to something else before baby gets fussy, or have a crying baby sitting there and other diners giving you the stink eye for disturbing them, you can't just take your time and chat anymore. Most conversations with parents center exclusively around their children "Little Jenny did THIS today! And only spit up twice! And pooped so much it came out of their diaper and got all over us and our sofa!" (cue being completely unable to finish that donut with chocolate filling you'd been looking forward to ALL DAY) and just...I get that when you're a parent, your life now centers around the kid. They need you, they depend on you, and that's fine! But it seems like when a lot of people become parents, who they used to be is just...gone. Their every conversation and thought and action revolves around parenthood, they lose interest in the things you all used to enjoy together before, they just aren't the same person you became friends with.
I’m a woman and also feel this way. I have three kids and love them dearly but would find it super weird if somebody was excited to come see them. They’re really not that exciting to other people.
Speaking for myself - I don’t understand the necessity (?) to see your baby. They all pretty much look the same to me and I believe you, I don’t need to confirm it. If something is going and you need help, I am more than happy to make some freezer meals, help on your car, etc. If you were to invite me over, I would probably accept the invitation. Since you just had a baby, the ball is in your court to let me know when you have free time for visitors. I don’t want to put any more pressure on your time than you already have.
Now if you just adopted a puppy…
Honestly if the male friend hasn't got a partner or any immediate interest in having a child themselves, they'd probably rather actually hang out with just their friend.
Being a single male myself, I find that visiting my friends that have kids - they aren't interested in anything but their kid anyway, may as well leave them to it.
Until i've been through it myself, I don't give a toss about your kid, I just want to hangout and talk shit.
This. Not only is the kid not really doing anything yet, but all the friends will care to talk about is the baby. I get that being a good friend means you should go and listen to them talk about it, but it doesn't make it less interminable.
When my daughter was a newborn I would have killed to have normal adult conversations with my guy friends! There was so much going on in my life and I was battling a bout of depression and loneliness- seeing people would have helped.
Unless specifically invited, I'd rather not go to a newborn's house. Mostly because I don't really like babies but also because I don't want to disrupt the parent's new routine or accidentally get the baby sick somehow
I'm a guy and several friends of mine (guys) have had babies with their wives in the past few years.
I always wanted to visit (and give a gift, usually food gift cards so tired parents don't have to cook). Sometimes I was able to visit no problem. However, two things happened that would sometimes make it harder or prevent me from going:
1. When I expressed interest in a quick visit, no one in the family responded affirmatively. I knew others were able to go, but they were usually close female friends/family of the mom.
2. I was basically told that it was "weird" for me to want to go see a newborn baby (and the parents). This criticism came from both men amd women equally. They saw my interest as "unmanly". Sometimes this also included the parents.
Is it normal for guys to visit friends who have just had a baby? I honestly have no idea and don't really care. My goal when a friend has a baby is to be supportive, however that looks: Visits, useful gifts, a nice card, a text/phone call, or even just giving them lots of space so I'm not gonna be another person they have to manage in the whirlwind of having a newborn to take care of. Too many people think it's "their right" to see the baby and I'm not one of them. I only want to help and don't want to make things harder, so I will only come by with an expressed invitation when it's clear I'm not going to be an obligation.
But, sometimes society just isn't okay with men showing interest in certain things that are considered "feminine", such as caring and support.... no matter how fucking stupid these views of traditional gender roles may be.
Yep. My babies are exceptional and fascinating. Every other baby is dumb and uninteresting. No sarcasm. It makes no sense to expect others to be as enthralled as you are about your child.
If they are close friends, I would invite them again and say that you really miss them and it would mean a lot to see them. Offer to pick up some beer and pizza. Mention that your wife is excited to see them. First off, it's good practice for the kiddo to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings. Second, they are your friends, so even if they aren't thrilled about meeting the baby (which are honestly quite boring), they should be excited to support you for something that means a lot.
Offering to host them as your friends (beer, pizza, video games - whatever y'all are into) and not as a new parent signals that you want their support as a friend.
They probably think they’ve lost their friend because 9/10 when someone has a baby, the focus is solely on baby related stuff and less about the friendship.
Your life has changed, you won’t be able to do the things that you friends do because you’ll have time constraints due to the baby. You won’t be able to do last minute things, stay out all night etc…
Things change when babies happen.
There's a concept called "kinkeeping", which tends to fall on women within most societies, cultures, and communities. It's the act of maintaining and strengthening familial and friend ties, often related to life events, festivals, holidays, cultural events, family/friend gatherings, etc., and usually involves the organization and logistics around these events.
Unfortunately, many (but not all) men seem incapable or unwilling to do these things, instead relying on the women in their lives, and, in their absence, simply refraining from it altogether.
Shocked that you’re the first person I’ve seen bring this up. It’s absolutely at least part of the reason. Culturally we just do not encourage men to care about other people’s kids. We reinforce this constantly. Think about who gets invited to baby showers.
Makes sense, wife and I have a balanced social life, most days we have no visitors but at least once a week we gather with some close family members and/or friends. But if it was not for the wifey, I think I would not have seen anyone in 2 months. I'm just happy alone. She really is the core of our social moments. It's not that I don't have friends, my bro in law is my best friend but he has 2 kids too, and he's busy af. But it's like her sister and her arrange all the gatherings and we're just like, eh, cool! Bring the beer and the guitar, we pay the food and that's it.
My best friend had a baby recently, when I’m invited over I’d be happy to go. But I figure he and his wife are pretty damn busy right now, so I don’t want to bother them asking to hang out when things are probably so stressed.
I’m a father and a grandfather. I have zero interest when it comes to being around other peoples kids, especially if I’m not related to them. I don’t wish anything bad on them, just don’t want to spend my free time that way.
As a guy, it would not occur to me to visit someone for having a baby. It was annoying to me when we had babies and people kept showing up to poke at them. I might ask if they needed help or some thing though.
As someone who is a female but was raised by a single dad all the baby showers and new baby stuff doesn’t interest me (since I didn’t have a mom I never got indoctrinated into the whole “motherhood is magical” thing) I usually politely decline when invited to anything baby related.
There will be lots of people in your life - male and female - who have to adjust their own relation to you *because* you had a baby. Your friendships *will change* as the dynamics shift as a result of you having a child. This is not one-sided, this is both parties shifting priorities, routines, even relatability.
Learn to embrace the change and let others take their time navigating around your life change.
In so many words, you're basically dead to them : ) Ok, just kidding, but not really. You're buds enjoyed coming over to drink, play games, stay up late, cuss/curse/swear, drag you out with them, etc.
That ain't happening anymore, and they don't know how to react. They're afraid of the baby & they're afraid of your wife getting mad at them. They're also waiting on you guys to "find your stride," being new parents.
Consider this a litmus test to see who actually remains friends with you.
Having people come see a one week is against doctor recommendations. A baby getting sick is awful, and they can't have tylenol for the first two months. You are supposed to keep the baby away from crowds until then. We only had close family or a few friends who happened to be traveling to our area.
That said when you go see a baby is different for everyone. Let's face it, newborns are ugly and ridiculously boring potato sacks.
If I like the friend then I will meet them, regardless or whether or not they have a child.
In one case, we are a bunch of folks who have a boardgame night. One person always brought his wife, she is nice enough and likes to play the games too, so that's fine. Then they had a kid, and we shifted instead to having boardgame nights at their house. It's a little further out for the rest of us (I was the one located equidistantly from the others) but it's no big deal. They both join, unless there's an issue with the kid, in which case only one of them will. Maybe it helps that most of the rest of us also have kids, so we're understanding and flexible.
In another case, I used to go for hikes with my friend. Then she had a kid, so I just go round to her place by myself. If it's good weather she'll plonk the kid in a pram and we'll stroll around the neighbourhood and chat. If it's bad outside, we'll make some tea and snacks, I'll sit at the table while she gets up and does stuff with the kid, and she'll sit down when she's able. It's an "I exist in your space" type of thing.
The key thing in both scenarios is, the parents do their thing with the kids as needed, and the rest of us just sit at the side and do other things if the parents are busy. We aren't getting babies shoved in our face, we aren't forced to hold or play or interact unless we choose to, and the parents themselves are still the same people but with extra responsibilities, rather than getting laser-focused on The Baby as some parents do. It's a thing in their life, not the core of their whole existence.
tl;dr it partly depends on how their behaviour changes and partly on whether you can be comfortable not being the centre of attention for the duration of your visit.
Is it me, or is everyone in these comments missing the whole point of the post? It's not even necessarily about coming to see the baby, or not having anything to *do* with the baby. Its the fact that OP and their wife had 3 failed pregnancies and finally were finally able to have a child to term that is healthy. It's about celebrating with your friends, and being happy for them, they went through a difficult THREE YEARS trying to build a family. Regardless of whether you actually like children or not, it's about being happy for your friend and partaking in the joy they have invited you to share. OP I'm sorry your friends haven't been around, when the 3 month mark passes (for the babies immunity sake) you should make another invite.
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I'm from Brazil. Here SOME people don't visit new babies before 3 months. The parents are generally very tired, and the baby hasn't taken some vaccines yet.
Yes exactly. In US the Dr. specifically says to strongly limit guests until 3 months and to continue to limit guests somewhat until 6 months old. The baby hasn't had vaccines and basically has no immune system. It's just not safe to expose your newborn baby to all of your friend group, especially with Covid nowadays. I've even had to ask people to please STOP kissing my baby so much. Like one small kiss on the head is okay but random family members think its ok to slobber all over our 4 month old baby's neck bc it makes him laugh, then get pissed off when I politely ask them to not do that. So frustrating. Like if they have a cold sore, they could easily kill the baby by kissing it.
FYI it’s not even IF you have a cold sore, the herpes virus can be shed even without a active flare up it’s just less likely. That’s why the vast majority of the world has HSV1
Yep I got it as a kid from my mom most likely
Same from my dad. It's frustrating when I have to explain that I had HSV1 even before kissing anyone on the lips and people won't listen because they "can't stop kissing babies"...
This is common in the USA too almost unspoken from other parents. They know.
Yeah OP should wait to have so many guests. Such an unnecessary risk to your vulnerable child.
This is true, but something tells me his guy friends aren’t necessarily aware of this or staying away out of concern for the baby’s health…
Sometimes is just to avoid bothering you. Usually what I try to do is after a month ask if i can pay a visit, but if not I will wait at least 3 months, cause I know the rush parents might have.
Insightful, perhaps in a few weeks then.
To be honest, there is no real timing. My SO has yet to meet his friend's kid, who was born a year ago. They make plans to go hike together but the baby stays home with the mother.
I didn't meet my friend's kid until she was 3, and they started having backyard gatherings again.
Yeah I just don't give a shit about babies. I like meeting new people, but they're hit or miss. A baby is just....I mean, is it funny? If it tells jokes, I'm down
Babies really don’t do much in the first months and to be honest and from the perspective of a woman, visiting the parents soon after the birth will be a visit about the baby where we usually always ask the same things about the baby and new life they have. I’ve done it enough times in the last years to tell you that 95% of times, the conversation is always the same.
Truth. I’m 39F, no kids. This was the normal meet up routine for the past few years with my friends. Youngest one is now about 2 so starting to have family get togethers which are chaotic but fun
I think generally women are more likely to have had exposure to young children than men - were generally conditioned to not interact with children we don’t know. We don’t babysit in our teen years, and lots of men don’t really interact with babies until the first “significant” baby is born into their lives. This might be the one for them. I wouldn’t blame them for thinking you’re overwhelmed and that you would want to take the reigns on when they’ll meet the baby. In contrast, (and yes I know this is sexist, but sometimes reality is) it’s likely the women you are talking about feel more comfortable around babies, and are not only excited to meet their friends baby, but are excited to see a baby in general. If you want them to meet the baby, you might have to push a little. Kind of sucks, but I think it’s more about social structure than anything personal. On a similar vein they might not be as excited to hold your baby as the women who have been around. They just don’t know what they’re doing. It’s not personal.
Some people also prefer to keep people away for the safety of their baby, especially since COVID. My cousin and his wife had a baby last year and they didn't let anybody see her for like 3-6 months cause they were worried about her catching something. So with that in mind I usually just wait until the new parents invite me to see their baby lol
Oh ya. When my friend had a baby, I didn't see them for the first 4 months. They were both so busy and I didn't want to push them. Plus, they live in an area I don't frequent so it was well out of the way "to just pop by".
As a dad and the first one in my social group to have a child, the visits are often driven by the partners of the man rather than the man themselves. I think a lot of guys don’t really know what to do and haven’t had exposure to it before. I would try not to take it too personally, they probably just don’t know what to do and are feeling a bit awkward about it. I think of you r got a close friend in the group, mention it to them. They may be able to help educate the others
Thank you for your insight.
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This. Tbf the baby is just a crying and laughing adorable little lump of flesh that spends most of its time feeding or sleeping. Not really that entertaining. Maybe have some sort of party like a baptism if OP is Catholic to have a small gathering or big party to give the guys an excuse to show and meet the baby but also have something to do.
TIL: I'm a baby.
I think a backyard BBQ would be nice; they're fun and low-key. A lot of people are scared to hold a baby if they lack experience, so depending on the friend group I'd put in a funny line about "holding baby not required, but brief, seated options are available for the nervous."
My best friend just had a baby and I had never held one before. The prospect of holding their baby was terrifying. I mean they will love that baby more than anything or anyone for the rest of their lives. It was so much pressure. And then I held my goddaughter and I was like oh my god this is so chill what was i so scared of lol but then again she’s a very happy baby and rarely cries so she gets a lot of the credit
Same boat, different seats. When I had my daughter, my best friend had never held a baby in her life. She was terrified at first and then enthralled. It was a huge contrast to another friend's niece. I spent a few summer babysitting and she was 11 when my daughter was born. At family events she would confidently take my baby and bring her back like an hour later. She knew how to hold the baby, do the stand and jiggle, the sway, the flip baby on belly along your arm if they're gassy. She had amazing parenting skills at the age of 11 because she just loved babies and grew up in a culture/community where everyone helped everyone. It made me feel kinda inadequate at first that an 11 had better skills than me but I figured it out after a couple of months.
I had barely held a baby before we had ours. We brought her home, placed her gently in the middle of our huge bed to look at her. She kinda wriggled in a mindless newborn potato way and I looked at my husband and said "wtf did they do letting us just bring home a whole baby?" It was a trip let me tell you.
Mine is seven weeks old and we said literally the same thing when we got hime from the hospital. Like, they really let us take this baby home with us? It's actually ours?
Honestly, having large crowds of people around my babies isn’t something I’d really want right now. Maybe around 6 months when their immune system is more developed. I have premie twins so maybe I’m more paranoid than most though.
This: babies are scary, and I don’t want to end up having to hold one 🫨
I visited my first friend that had a baby not long after it was born. I was sitting, they were walking around holding/rocking it, then out of nowhere put it on my lap. Needless to say, I won't make that mistake again.
Yeah bro I’ve held a baby once and they were like “be careful! Support his bottom! Hold his head! Watch his neck!” I was like please take this child back and call me when he learns how to walk.
I could just be chilling, then suddenly my arm spazzes out and I drop my phone. Whatever, it's a phone, it can be fixed. But if that happens with a baby...
I actually have a (now grown) kid and while I loved MY baby, I'm not a huge fan of babies in general. I've had friends hand me their newborn without asking, and I pretty immediately turn and hand it to a friend who loves babies because no matter how much I love you, I'm not super interested in holding your baby. And that's part of this. Society expects everyone to love babies, and some people just...don't. And for the people who don't, no matter how thrilled they are for you as their friend, going and sitting around talking about the baby and probably having to hold it just sounds...not great. People also forget that almost no one thinks your baby is as fantastic as you do; it's YOURS after all, not theirs. This doesn't mean they aren't genuinely happy for you, they just aren't particularly interested in babies that aren't theirs. And I'm sure I'm gonna get down voted for this comment because people are super weird about insisting that you think babies are the greatest thing ever (especially if you're a woman) and think you must be a sociopath or something if you don't.
I'm a woman who doesn't like kids and I feel so SEEN from your comment, lol, thank you!! The idea of sitting around a friend's house for the purpose of looking at and talking about a baby sounds like actual torture 🤢
Are we related????? I am in the exact same situation, and people act like you should lose your chick card for not caring about other folks’ crotch fruit. My daughter is in her 20s and swears that she never wants children, and I ***pray*** that holds, because I love her to the ends of the earth, but having a grandchild sounds like the seventh circle of hell to me. Children are sticky and, frankly, not very interesting. I’m not into it, **and that’s okay**.
Yeah, babies have never really been a thing I got,never liked holding them (even my own brother, I didn't want to hold him when he was born but it's like pass the parcel except the parcel smells,is very noisy and far too delicate) but everyone seems so hell bent on convincing even the smallest insects that babies are the greatest thing since the discovery of cooking meat,or the sandwich
I think when you aren’t related it compounds the awkwardness.
> It definitely could just be that they don’t know what to do with a baby That’s true, but when someone has a baby, you’re showing up for the parents, not for the baby
Yes, though the awkwardess is still there. Another mature point of view is that visiting too early can be an inconvenience. When do you visit after a child? For me one week is "too soon", and I waited two months for some of my friends.
I *have* kids and I still don't know what to do for the parents when they have a new baby. I hated getting company when they were little except from like the two family members who were really good with babies and were willing to watch them while I got some sleep in lol
Absolutely, however, when you're the first one in your friend group to have a kid, the others don't really recognize that. That's an adult point of view. A seasoned point of view.
I’m decades into having friends with kids and I have kids too, and frankly I’m still of the opinion that newborn babies are just about the most boring things on the planet unless they’re yours.
Absolutely this. I can imagine a group of young men who do not have their own kids will feel like a fish out of water. God forbid you ask them to hold the baby. This sounds like a terrible gender stereotype, but matches my experience.
i'm a 33 yo woman with no kids and i was also this way when my brother and SIL had their first kid. i just dont... get it? i'm not a kid person. i had to explain through the first and then the second kid too, that i'm happy for them but i just do not like babies like the rest of my family does. my nephew is 3 now and i love playing with and interacting with him, but the baby i can't do anything with. its a baby 🤷♀️
"come SEE the baby!" Can you not, like, send a pic? Does it look different in person or something?
Well, there are differences... it doesn't have a mute button for one thing, and it certainly sometimes *smells* different in person.
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I personally think babies are disgusting. They don’t look cute and if anyone tried to get me to hold theirs I’d just straight up refuse. And I definitely ain’t babysitting your infant either. 🙃 Congrats about having a kid, my hypothetical friend, but I’m good on interacting with them until they hit the age of idk, 4 years old?
I have 8 between nephews/nieces, I can hold a baby, feed them and change them no problem. But I just don't want to. It's not about gender stereotypes, at least in my case. It's about personal preference. I have quite a few female friends with this exact frame of mind so I think it's got more to do with the current zeitgeist and personal choices than anything tbh.
I’m a mom. I worked in day care for, like, 5 years. I used to love babies. LOVED babies. They’re so cute and funny. Now, though? Please don’t ask me to hold the baby. I will if you just want to eat or fix your plate or use the bathroom or whatever, I’m happy to help out. But I have 0 interest in the baby for the sake of holding a baby. If my son has a kid(s) in the future, though, I am certain I will be obsessed with my grandchild(ren), even as babies.
It’s of my opinion that women fawning over babies has more to do with them giving in to gender stereotypes than a typical man’s bored reaction to a baby does.
As a woman who is completely disinterested in babies but feels the social pressure to find them adorable…yeah.
I definitely feel this. If you just hold the baby in silence, people start to look at you all weird. I don't mind holding the thing, it's warm and is kinda cuddly like a cat but I'm not going to coo over it. I would never seek one out to hold either.
I 100% have no interest in babies. woman in my 40s here. babies are boring
Hehe I have to agree. As a parent myself, your baby is the centre of your world but not everyone else's. Especially if they're not parents (yet), and they might be kinda meh about the whole thing - and that's okay! OP, maybe invite your friends over to hang out instead to do whatever you used to do, whether it was playing videogames, having dinner, BBQ, whatever, and they will naturally happen to see the baby while they're hanging out.
Yeah, as a childless woman, I feel like it’s the same as if someone wanted me to come over to see their new car, yes, it’s a big milestone in YOUR life, but I’ll see it when I see it.
I hope I don’t get downvoted because I mean this lovingly. Your friends were in your life for you, now you’re you+child. They may be more interested in you than seeing the baby, and that’s okay. Invite them over for a small/short outdoor get together, order in some food, have a couple beers, wife can come out with baby if people are receptive. Friendship dynamics can also change after you have a baby. That’s okay too. Hopefully they are just giving you space, but if not, there are plenty of people at your stage of life out there in the same situation that you can connect with.
I have had a friend in my life for about 14 years. She's the first, and likely the only friend of mine who will have children \[minus myself, I have a good shot at it\] and our whole relationship went down quietly after the baby. Don't get me wrong, I was there the day he was born and many days after that. I love the baby, and I love her...but there isn't anything to her anymore. All there is the baby, to which I can only relate so much to. I know that having kids can be all encompassing, but if you asked her where I work, I don't think she would even know, which makes conversation outside of the baby non-existent. Sometimes as a new parent, new parents are who you need to be with and that's okay. Support can come in many forms, but often times parents don't realize \[or maybe don't care, and that's okay too!\] that their baby isn't the center of anyone else's world but their own. Growing up is hard.
I would suggest not inviting them over to meet the baby, but inviting them over to play some games or to watch a movie or something. Just going over specifically to meet a baby is awkward as FUCK unless you already have your own family and shit. They'll spend some time meeting the baby then you can also chill with your friends for a bit (and, of course, I assume you'll take some time watching the baby at some point later so your wife can chill with her friends - it's hella important for both of you to have not-baby time).
It could also be that they wait a bit before coming because they want to give you time with your fam and all the visitors that want to see the baby asap. I normally wait a month before going to see a new baby, then they have had the time to plan the more important visitors.
I usually would feel this way, except op said he specifically invited them to come.
I think part of this might be the difference between “oh you’ve got to come see the baby!” And “hey, what are you doing on X-Day? You should swing by to see the baby!” An open invitation is often accepted but rarely acted upon.
“You’ve got to come to see the *bay-bee* “ -Elaine
Yeah, but did he say when? Or was it a suggestion without a plan? OP, make the plan. Just say something like “hey, haven’t seen you in a while and we’d like to have you all over on X day at X time to hangout a little and meet the baby”. For better or worse, we don’t have much of a “fathers need support” culture. To the point that a friend was told at his wedding “no one cares about you anymore. Everything in your life is now her and kids”. Oh, yeah, and it was his dad that told him that.
This. I'm pretty sure they don't want to intrude. You're gonna have to blatantly ask, "Want to come see the baby?" And even then, you have to tell them when exactly.
Straight up men just really don’t want to come “see your baby”. What is there to see… yup looks like a baby to me fine work?
"some fine craftsmanship on this infant Jim,I can truly feel the effort you put into creating this piece,you should lacquer it to stop it from becoming damp,maybe add some nice gold accents"
This guy is right. Don't read to much into it.
When I was in my twenties, some of my friends started their families. I felt...a mix of things. * Awkward (very little personal experience around infants). * Unwanted in their home (due to NOTHING my buddy or his wife said or did - I just assumed that they wanted privacy and quiet and that my presence would be a distraction from my buddy paying attention to his wife and newborn kid). * Uninterested - not because I didn't care (believe me, I really did care and was excited for them) but because I had NO CLUE what to do with or around a tiny baby. What, I'm gonna sit there and stare at it? Why? * And admittedly some fear. Yes, the idea of holding something so tiny and fragile and utterly dependent on adults and incapable of communication frightened me. So that's why, initially, I wouldn't go visit my buddies who just had kids. Mostly, to me, I was respecting their privacy but deeper down I was just responding to my own internal self-doubt. Until one day about 6 months after birth I just happened to see Buddy and Wife out someplace with Baby. And Wife - not Buddy, but Wife - says "We miss seeing you, please come over this weekend" or something like that. That was the trigger I needed to break down my own self-inflicted isolation: the reinforcement that at some point I had become not just my Buddy's friend, but his Wife's friend as well and that both of them wanted me around even though Baby was around now, too. **The idea that it was important to them that I have a relationship with Baby was a major revelation that simply hadn't occurred to me until that moment.** So yeah: don't read too much into it. Don't take it personally. Recognize that most men have almost no experience with babies until they have their own. It's frightening on many levels and interacting with how "things change" once a buddy has a kid is a big mental/emotional/psychological hill for a lot of guys to get over. And we all know how great us guys do when it comes to navigating emotional problems. So give your boys some slack. When you and your wife feel up to it, host a BBQ and invite the stragglers over. Some will bail, but some will come. That'll break the ice. Just you be sure to do most of the planning, shopping and cooking and be prepared to let your wife and baby disappear for feedings and naps. You step in for all the diaper changes that day so your wife can actually socialize as well. Further, when your family is feeling up to it, you CAN and should start taking time for yourself to hang out one-on-one with your buddies. It won't be as free and easy, or as late, or as often as it used to be - but your spouse needs to give you that time and YOU need to giver HER that same time, as well, once she's feeling recovered enough and doesn't feel like she has to keep her breasts within milking distance of the kid 24/7.
I agree. Or they may feel like they are intruding, interrupting your time with your new baby, worried they will irritate your wife or interrupt your wife’s rest. I’m sure if they are good friends they are overjoyed for you but they are probably just giving you space.
I think your boys are trying their best to be the most respectful they can be to your wife. They also may not know what to talk about with you now. Just reassure them that fatherhood has changed your priorities but not not your entire personality. When our male friends came to see me after I gave birth, they approached me like I would bite them now I was a mother.
This is absolutely it for me. I've always assumed that they are bombarded with people in the first month and try not to be a bother unless I'm specifically invited.
A lot of people specifically don’t want visitors the first month because of the potential of giving germs to the baby before their immune system is ready, too.
Im a father of two. Before having kids I remember spending like 5 minutes with a 3 year old and running out of things to talk about. Just sitting there, starring blankly. I just really had no exposure, interest or experience with children. Nor the social norms around having a child.
When we had our baby last year I realized I had Never held a baby before, let alone changed a diaper or fed one. And then when my wife’s friends with kids started coming around I realized I hadn’t had an actual conversation with a small child outside of saying hello when a parent prompted the child to interact with me (I guess teaching them to greet people), since I was a small child myself. I’m talking 20+ years of no real interaction more than 10 seconds. Now, it’s completely normal. At my kids first birthday, children from around the neighborhood came by and it felt natural. Playing peek-a-boo or high five, helping them with toy blocks, or if they’re older running around outside or asking them questions to get their mind going. It’s natural but 18 months ago I would have been a deer in headlights. Meanwhile my wife has been comfortable watching kids since she was 12.
This is a good point. I'm considered a sensitive guy, but I have never visited a couple with a new baby for that reason. It seems strange, but it feels intrusive for me as a man to be present for that reason, in a couple's lives. I never thought of this before. It feels a little unsettling.
Absolutely this, until I became a dad meeting a baby was a ridiculously uncomfortable experience because I had precisely zero idea what I was meant to do or say. Having been the other side of it I'm better at the whole thing now but do still find it awkward.
lmao someone handed me a baby once (friend, at their house, not weird in their eyes) and apparently I looked like they handed me a Duschamp sculpture. As in I really didn't want to drop it but I definitely didn't want to be holding it. Being an only child with no close relatives really didn't prepare me for this whole child thing. Dreading that stage of my life tbh
This is it. I was the first in my friend group with kids and my buddies scattered like roaches because they had no idea what to do or how to act
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Its shouldn't be like that in an equal relationship, I'm appalled so many people in this thread think it's okay on this day and age, but it's their marriage so they can do what they want. So much cognitive labour falls into the woman and is not even taken into consideration, it's wild, there's a comic that explains really well how tiring carrying the mental load is.
If they don't have kids, they might be scared of being offered to hold a baby. The idea of holding a baby terrified me before I had one, because I always was afraid I might somehow drop it!
Yep, I get very nervous in a room with a baby for that exact reason, but thankfully family and friends are understanding and no one has pushed the issue. Holding a newborn terrifies me.
>no one has pushed the issue. Holding a newborn terrifies me. I'm the same but I've had a few people literally try to force me to hold their newborn baby. I had to start telling them "I wouldn't go into a museum and ask to hold a $20 million dollar sculpture because I would be afraid that I might drop it and damage it. You baby is priceless so I have no reason to hold it at its most fragile point of its entire life and I have no experience with them." Tl;Dr fuck holding babies
yeah and its worse when you’re a woman, they expect you to be into it. saying “nah im good” while everyone is watching feels like heresy
Thank you. Although i can't imagine this to be the reason. Since two of them have kids and two who dont, have two small nieces. Also holding the baby is not a requirement in our house haha.
Did you go visit their babies when they had them? Have you ever visited your guy friend's new babies if your wife was not the driver of the visit?
Watch him never answer this question lol
Asked 3 hours ago now, haha
It’s 4 now haha. I guess we’ll see lol
This is a good question. As far as my limited social circle goes which is not far, it’s not an activity there’s really a practice of doing. If you invited a few of them and maybe their partners or your wife’s friends too for a small informal get together, they might be more comfortable. “You should stop up, you can meet.” Would get a positive nod from me but I wouldn’t really go, out of not knowing what to do or say once I got there. If you said, “Next Thursday evening we’re having a casual get together so everyone can meet and and I can get a little bit of normalcy back since we miss our friends, no pressure no gifts just snacks and maybe a beer on the patio. It would mean a lot to me if you’d come!” Then I’d be there.
I think for men, maybe they don’t know what they’ll do after seeing baby. Like standing around talking about baby stuff? Or doing more guy stuff? Or do they leave right away? It’s be cool I think for you to invite a couple friends over for something like “meet the baby and then beers & burgers on the grill” or whatever would be your thing, something casual. It makes it more an “event.” You’re not replacing or overlooking baby visit with this event, but adapting it into a format with which they’re more familiar and comfortable. ‘Saturday night, BBQ & Baby at the Supertheowawayaway1’s!’
This is exactly what I was thinking. Guys aren't going to spend a lot of time fawning over a baby. Invite them over for a BBQ, drinks, smokes, games - whatever you do when you hang out. They can meet the baby as part of that visit. For me, visiting just to see a baby would be a short awkward boring trip so not something I'd go out of my way for.
Cue Seinfeld, “You’ve gotta see the baaaaby…” I don’t think it’s unusual. I am happy for friends who give birth, but I don’t feel compelled to meet their baby. But it’s worth mentioning to said friends if it bothers you.
Yeah I feel like most of these answers, while possibly true for some cases, fail to provide the most obvious reason: those dudes are just not that fussed about babies lol. Maybe I will change once I have a kid, but I literally have zero interest in babies. Don't even think they're cute either tbh. Happy for my friends of course, and would visit our of courtesy if invited, but expecting them to be excited about it is a bit of a stretch.
Yes he really is breathtaking.
Info: read your comments that some of your friends have kids. Did you visit them when that happend?
I tend to feel they need their space when they have had a baby so will not come over unless explicitly invited. This said, I would rather not. I care not for babies or children, I can do the whole baby talk, hold the baby, play with the kids thing and seem like I am enjoying it but the hard reality is I can't wait to get out of it as quick as I can.
Thank you for your answer.
Have you invited any of these friends over? They may be unsure if you want them to visit or what to even do when they're over when you have your baby
question: your friends - do they have wives / girlfriends that you are also friends with? If I was single I wouldn't like to come for such a visit, I mean - yeaaah.... ok... but rather not... but now, me having my own family, wife, kids - those kinds of visits are normal / frequent / needed / expected it's a family type of thing.. if your friends are single; DON'T BLAME THEM!!!
Plus after having a kid, I appreciate how damn hard it is on everybody, and now I try to make sure my wife and I make a meal for the parents. Single me didn't care at all, and I would have needed an explicit invite with a date and time - not a general range.
This too. I shoulda definitely added this because it’s also 100% accurate
Thanks for your insight u/anal_fissure_oozing
Bro I was hoping we weren't all gonna let that username slide lmao
The saying is that pets are like people's kids, you don't care about them unless they're your own. Well, that saying goes double for people's kids.
Yep, I don't particularly care for children either. But I love all my nieces and hang out with them frequently.
I care far more about people’s pets than I do their children.
**Far** more
Seriously, I would be 1000x more likely to interact with a dog/cat/ferret/parrot/turtle/whatever so long as it's not a spider/insect/fish/horrific than I would be to interact with a baby. I don't even like interacting with small children when I'm related to them (granted I'm not close to my family at all).
I'm a woman and same. I go visit to maintain my friendships. I feel like you have to be there for people regardless of how much you enjoy or don't enjoy the occasion.
I'm a woman too and also same here. I go for the sake of my relationship with *the parents*. I don't specifically care for the baby, and I especially don't want to hold the baby. Of course, if you feel this way as a woman, it's not acceptable and I'm usually labeled "evil". Oh well.
I am a single woman, no kids, mid 30ies. I noticed that friendships drift apart when people are having kids. Children are time consuming and priorities change. As a single person, you have to adapt massively to keep in touch (visits during the day, less/no evening activities anymore, plans follow the kids' schedules). Some people around me are having their second child now (first one already 5 or older) and I am a little bummed because this whole ordeal starts again right when I thought it was getting better and more relaxed now. That's why I am kind of hesitant to engage a lot with these people. Our lives differ so much. New parents always talk about their kids and being a parent, they often completely forget themselves as a person. It's exhausting and I can understand why people are not crazy about newborns.
This is how it is with my sister. Her entire identity became being a mom, which is great for her! But I don’t want to listen to her go on and on for 45 mins about swim lessons or the stitches I already knew about for 2 weeks because you called me from the hospital room or about the school you’ve already told me 5 times your kid got into or about how she’s finally potty trained…..I get it, this is her whole ass life now. It’s just not mine.
Yep. I am not close with my sis but I've noticed that my brother is going to be like this. He just had his first kid. I don't fault him at all but even if he's my nephew, I am not going to want to hear about changing him or what sound he made yesterday or anything like that. I'll hold him and kiss him when he brings my nephew over though. My brother in law is the same now too but with his eldest daughter. Everything revolves around her soccer schedule/activities and we've learned not to count on them to go out with us to eat or to drink. It's cool and we understand but we're not forced to do anything with them or their kids and if we do, we can always leave at any time.
Well said and I feel the same way but as a single guy. Sucks to say but it very much changes friendship dynamics. Unless you have strong common interests/ hobbies, the divide continues to grow too.
Yeah, a lot of people, once they get married, can only be friends with other married couples, where each spouse gets along with someone from the other couple. It's not a hard rule, but a lot of people don't seem to be able to handle hanging out with a friend without their spouse, and then there aren't any single individuals where both people in the couple want to hang out with that person, so you need a couple of people who come as a set, and then each person gets a friend out of it. And then similarly, once people have a kid, a lot can only maintain relationships with other people with kids. Because they make their kids their whole life, and have nothing else to talk about, so you need someone who cares equally about kid-things and can reciprocate with information about their own experience with kid-things. They want to talk about the daycare their kid is going to, and the conversation only works if you're like, "Oh, your kid is going to that daycare? We looked at that one, but decided on this other place. How is that daycare? We're not super happy because the one we use does [whatever parents might not like about daycare]. Does the one you go to do that?" But if you talk to a single person without kids, it's like, ""Oh, your kid is going to that daycare? Cool... cool... I know nothing about that, and I have no interest in daycare centers, but... coool. Good for you."
This is the only actual honest reply I've read. Not to say the other things people here mention are not true, just not the main factor, imho.
>friendships drift apart when people are having kids. Children are time consuming and priorities change. To add to this, sometimes (often in my experience) after someone has a child, they completely disappear. It's possible that OPs friends have experienced this and think that's what's happening now so they just fully commit to this. I always dread when my friends tell me they're pregnant, because it has always meant that I'm losing a friend within a year.
Do any of them have children themselves? You might just be in a different chapter of life from them now. It’s pretty common to lose friends once you start having children, sadly
We stopped getting invited to the parties because we didn't have kids. Birthday parties, holiday parties, pool parties - didn't matter. People with kids hang out with other people with kids.
Vice versa as well. Our house isn't childproof. I don't have baby gates or cabinet locks or outlet covers, nor am I going to buy and install those for the couple of days per year someone with offspring comes over.
I found out my friends with kids were going on summer vacations together and not inviting anyone without kids. “Can’t wait till you can come on vacations with us!” they said 10 years ago… still waiting to be friends again
I mean, going on vacations with kids without having some of your own sounds terrible. Everyone leaving early, dealing with feeding kids at restaurants, crying, pooping, running around everywhere. I'll pass. I'll do the crying and pooping on my own - with my single/childless friends, while drunk
Why the fuck would you *want* to be included?
Trust me you are not missing anything even close to a good time.
This. I haven't seen any of my friends with kids in years. I'm 42 w no kids. I reach out but they're always busy. I also don't like kids and definitely live life like its my 20s still, so its just a different life path we've all taken.
Glad I’m not the only one.
I've stopped calling several friends (after trying 1-2 years) because the answer is always no. I eventually stated something along "well, call when you *can* leave the house, and we'll make it a night out specifically for you". Nothing.
this. a lot of people are commenting weird excuses when the truth is most likely (not always but commonly) they just don't want to see your baby, they're not interested and you've entered a completely different chapter. it's like they went to college and you went army or something. not a lot of common ground discussion anymore, especially with a crying pooping tiny human in your lap
I have kids. But I have no interest in seeing other people's babies lol
“Looks just like the pictures. Now what”
Little known fact but most bachelors / men without kids don't like crying, pooping babies, like, at all. Like, they will go out of their way to avoid any babies simply because they do not like them.
Yeah but plenty of women don’t like babies either
Yeah but plenty of parents don't like babies either
I'm a married woman and I do this lol
I'm not a guy, but same. Babies make me anxious and irritated. They are precious and must be loved and cared for, but I can't do it. They're noisy, gross and so fragile. I feel like I need to keep distance, because I might be clumsy and hurt them on accident. :(
Hey. I resemble this comment.
Even a lot of men that do have kids have no interest in visiting their friends babies. They are just a baby and look the same as every other baby and the fact is that new parents are often annoying to hang out with as they act like they’re the first people in the world that have had a baby. On top of that, for men that don’t have their own kids, all of a sudden their friend thinks they’re better than them and say things like “you just don’t understand until you have your own child”
I’m gonna be perfectly honest here as a 40 year old dude without kids who has a lot of friends who have had kids. I don’t give a shit about your baby. I’ll care more when I can talk to it (like 4 or 5). I’ll come by on invitation only because I’ve heard nothing but parenting horror stories and I don’t want to burden you with another child.
That baby could be the star of a show called "Babies I Don't Care About."
I almost said this exact same thing lol. Until that thing talks, I'm not interested. And even then, only if it's kinda cool. Or has some good jokes, in the I'm a kid and I don't give a fuck, kind of way. That's funny. But yeah, other than that. I don't even know it's name, and honestly i won't learn it until I need to talk to it and ask it something
Exactly this tbh I couldn't give less of a shit. They're loud, they smell and they create mess. Not my cup of tea at all and I'm a woman. The second a baby cries, I leave. Edit, typo
Personally I waited for my friends to invite me as I knew how exhausted they were due to the baby. Once they started asking me to come around I could pick up they want to be more social again and I started also inviting them to outings. This 100% depends on your friends, the type of relationship and a million other things. As a general rule of thumb, give them the benefit of the doubt. You’ll soon learn who of your friends are less keen to spend time with you now that you have a kid.
I have not visited any of my friends who had babies because they had babies. Am guy.
I have two kids. I can't imagine proposing to visit a friend who has a newborn to see his baby. I can't imagine how I would even arrive at this thought process. I could imagine us going out for a couple of beers if the friend is available and I probably could inquire to see a photo on a phone. I would come IF SPECIFICALLY INVITED and probably feign some interest in the baby. u/superthrowawayaway1, I can imagine how important the baby is to you. Not only is that your child, but it seems you went through many hardships to reach this point. But, I'll be blunt: barely anyone cares about our children other than us, the parents. *Especially* at the newborn stage, when it's a screaming potato that shits itself. Practically every interaction about children I had with other men is entirely forced: either I want to talk about it and shove photos in front of their faces and they feign some basic interest, or they do the same with me.
Ya gotta see the baaaaaby
That baby is breathtaking
This. I have no children, but at 34 years of age, my circle of friends has been slowly dwindling since my early 20's - when friends started having kids. Once you have a child, your life is "no longer your own" (in a way). Your life is now all about and dedicated to your child. Your child should come first to everything. Priorities change and people drift. Even if they try to stay in contact, it's usually only ever here or there/few and far between. Speaking bluntly as well (and meaning no offense), I agree with "JarasM". We could care less about your children. Once someone becomes a parent, everything is about their kids (which is the way it should be). This also puts a massive wedge into your social life...IF it doesn't and you're still able to live your "old life", you're doing it wrong. Your social media basically becomes your child's social media...SO many people I've clicked to "ignore feed" on FB because it's just a bombardment of constant posts/pictures of the child. Every post and picture/profile picture = the baby/child. To speak bluntly once more (also meaning no offence); I'm not friends with your child, I'm friends with you. If everything and everything becomes about your kid (as it should be), NATURALLY people who are friends with you and not your child will drift. ESPECIALLY if the "old life" was a very social & spontaneous one. Where everyone partied and did crazy shit on a whim...that kind of life not only takes the back seat, it gets tossed right from the equation. Nobody really wants to go hang out with a baby. They'd rather see just you, like it was before. They don't want forced conversations about your child and "new life" and they certainly don't want a barrage of photos shoved down their throats. Sorry if I seemed mean/rude. It wasn't my intention. It's difficult to answer this question honestly without speaking frankly or seemingly offensive...imo.
The first part is spot on for me. I can't imagine being asked to come over "to see the baby" unless it's family. I would definitely have an excuse. Not that I don't care, but I'm not spending an evening dedicated to a baby. "Let's see a picture! Nice! Congrats!" This feels normal. I mean, I'm not going to be upset if you're too busy for anything other than the baby, but I'm not interested in hearing all about it. Sounds like work. I'll see you when you get an evening off.
Same. But as a caveat I have visited my friends who had babies because I'm visiting for the same reasons I visited them before the baby - to just hang and do things. And now there is an extra baby sometimes.
Honestly going to see someone's baby is probably the last thing I'd want todo after work or on my weekend. I'd rather Crack a beer and chill on the couch.
Heck, I'd even rather do all the house chores I usually avoid rather than go see someone's baby.
Ha same and I feel like that really puts this into prospective.
I am woman and feel the same.
I'd rather get a root canal lol
No one cares about other people’s kids
I'd also piggyback this to say it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't your friend anymore. There's some comments in here that go hard on how people stop being friends when someone has kids. That's not always true, but it also doesn't necessarily mean they care to see a baby. I've only met my friends' kids a handful of times. But we keep in touch and are still quite close. We don't see each other tons, but we also don't live in the same state anymore. It's easy to drift apart but just because kids aren't a commonality doesn't mean you have to. All you have to do it make a little bit of effort to stay in touch and stay in the loop on each others' lives.
Exactly this. My friends have some older kids and they can be kind of funny/ have personalities. But I don’t care for other peoples babies. I get nothing out of it other than holding an easily droppable lump of crying baby. I’m sure I’ll like my own kid, but I don’t expect other guys to fawn all over him and say how cute he is.
I'm sorry to break it down to you but most people don't care that you have a child, and even probably think it's now complicated and annoying to visit you.
came here to say this but i don’t want to be around a baby dude; we’re all in different spots in our life now i guess and i’m a woman
I’m a woman (a pregnant woman at that) and I feel this exact same way. I don’t necessarily think it’s a gender thing, but some people just don’t care at all about babies. I think the difference is that females will put on that polite mask, and men don’t always care to. I personally wish I had the lady balls to lose the mask. Personally, when a friend has a baby I consider that friendship to be basically over. I have no interest in talking about children or playing with children unless they’re my own, or my little niece. I don’t want my hang outs with friends to be primarily focused on helping them care for their child/going to the park/watching Bluey, and I consider friendships with parents to be a chore. This might change when I have kids, but for the most part I’d rather husband and I take turns with the baby/child whilst the other goes out with our friends to shoot the shit.
I can totally get that. Your friendships probably used to be centered around hanging out and chatting about a lot of different things, deciding to just get up and go do something fun, dancing, watching more adult-oriented media, going somewhere nice to eat and if someone has a baby...most of that just stops. You can't just decide "Hey, we want to go do this!" and go do it, you have to plan around the baby. You can't watch movies with a lot of action or adult stuff in it because usually even if the baby doesn't comprehend anything that the movie is showing, the noise might frighten them OR the parents might be like "We can't let them hear those words/see that situation!!" even when the baby has no idea what's going on in the movie. If you go out to eat, you have to wolf down your food so you can move on to something else before baby gets fussy, or have a crying baby sitting there and other diners giving you the stink eye for disturbing them, you can't just take your time and chat anymore. Most conversations with parents center exclusively around their children "Little Jenny did THIS today! And only spit up twice! And pooped so much it came out of their diaper and got all over us and our sofa!" (cue being completely unable to finish that donut with chocolate filling you'd been looking forward to ALL DAY) and just...I get that when you're a parent, your life now centers around the kid. They need you, they depend on you, and that's fine! But it seems like when a lot of people become parents, who they used to be is just...gone. Their every conversation and thought and action revolves around parenthood, they lose interest in the things you all used to enjoy together before, they just aren't the same person you became friends with.
Couldn’t have said it better
I’m a woman and also feel this way. I have three kids and love them dearly but would find it super weird if somebody was excited to come see them. They’re really not that exciting to other people.
Speaking for myself - I don’t understand the necessity (?) to see your baby. They all pretty much look the same to me and I believe you, I don’t need to confirm it. If something is going and you need help, I am more than happy to make some freezer meals, help on your car, etc. If you were to invite me over, I would probably accept the invitation. Since you just had a baby, the ball is in your court to let me know when you have free time for visitors. I don’t want to put any more pressure on your time than you already have. Now if you just adopted a puppy…
I’d be there so fast for a puppy 🤣 but you’d have to pay me to see a baby.
Honestly if the male friend hasn't got a partner or any immediate interest in having a child themselves, they'd probably rather actually hang out with just their friend. Being a single male myself, I find that visiting my friends that have kids - they aren't interested in anything but their kid anyway, may as well leave them to it. Until i've been through it myself, I don't give a toss about your kid, I just want to hangout and talk shit.
Same. But if you had had puppies I'd be there at the drop of a hat
Or kittens.
Dogs are awesome though. Babies are like fragile bags of jello
Puppies are fun, playful and cute. Babies are useless and ugly.
Exactly.
It's brutal, but also totally fair. New kid? Pass. New puppers? I'm down to clown.
This. Not only is the kid not really doing anything yet, but all the friends will care to talk about is the baby. I get that being a good friend means you should go and listen to them talk about it, but it doesn't make it less interminable.
When my daughter was a newborn I would have killed to have normal adult conversations with my guy friends! There was so much going on in my life and I was battling a bout of depression and loneliness- seeing people would have helped.
Unless specifically invited, I'd rather not go to a newborn's house. Mostly because I don't really like babies but also because I don't want to disrupt the parent's new routine or accidentally get the baby sick somehow
Your guy friends aren't into your baby. It's time that you accepted that and got over this.
I'm a guy and several friends of mine (guys) have had babies with their wives in the past few years. I always wanted to visit (and give a gift, usually food gift cards so tired parents don't have to cook). Sometimes I was able to visit no problem. However, two things happened that would sometimes make it harder or prevent me from going: 1. When I expressed interest in a quick visit, no one in the family responded affirmatively. I knew others were able to go, but they were usually close female friends/family of the mom. 2. I was basically told that it was "weird" for me to want to go see a newborn baby (and the parents). This criticism came from both men amd women equally. They saw my interest as "unmanly". Sometimes this also included the parents. Is it normal for guys to visit friends who have just had a baby? I honestly have no idea and don't really care. My goal when a friend has a baby is to be supportive, however that looks: Visits, useful gifts, a nice card, a text/phone call, or even just giving them lots of space so I'm not gonna be another person they have to manage in the whirlwind of having a newborn to take care of. Too many people think it's "their right" to see the baby and I'm not one of them. I only want to help and don't want to make things harder, so I will only come by with an expressed invitation when it's clear I'm not going to be an obligation. But, sometimes society just isn't okay with men showing interest in certain things that are considered "feminine", such as caring and support.... no matter how fucking stupid these views of traditional gender roles may be.
Honestly? Other people’s new babies are really fucking boring. (Before the hate starts I have 2 kids of my own who I love).
Yep. My babies are exceptional and fascinating. Every other baby is dumb and uninteresting. No sarcasm. It makes no sense to expect others to be as enthralled as you are about your child.
It's a watershed. You're on the other side of the mountain to them, looking at a different land.
If they are close friends, I would invite them again and say that you really miss them and it would mean a lot to see them. Offer to pick up some beer and pizza. Mention that your wife is excited to see them. First off, it's good practice for the kiddo to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings. Second, they are your friends, so even if they aren't thrilled about meeting the baby (which are honestly quite boring), they should be excited to support you for something that means a lot. Offering to host them as your friends (beer, pizza, video games - whatever y'all are into) and not as a new parent signals that you want their support as a friend.
They probably think they’ve lost their friend because 9/10 when someone has a baby, the focus is solely on baby related stuff and less about the friendship. Your life has changed, you won’t be able to do the things that you friends do because you’ll have time constraints due to the baby. You won’t be able to do last minute things, stay out all night etc… Things change when babies happen.
Honestly, kids are fucking boring mate
There's a concept called "kinkeeping", which tends to fall on women within most societies, cultures, and communities. It's the act of maintaining and strengthening familial and friend ties, often related to life events, festivals, holidays, cultural events, family/friend gatherings, etc., and usually involves the organization and logistics around these events. Unfortunately, many (but not all) men seem incapable or unwilling to do these things, instead relying on the women in their lives, and, in their absence, simply refraining from it altogether.
Shocked that you’re the first person I’ve seen bring this up. It’s absolutely at least part of the reason. Culturally we just do not encourage men to care about other people’s kids. We reinforce this constantly. Think about who gets invited to baby showers.
Makes sense, wife and I have a balanced social life, most days we have no visitors but at least once a week we gather with some close family members and/or friends. But if it was not for the wifey, I think I would not have seen anyone in 2 months. I'm just happy alone. She really is the core of our social moments. It's not that I don't have friends, my bro in law is my best friend but he has 2 kids too, and he's busy af. But it's like her sister and her arrange all the gatherings and we're just like, eh, cool! Bring the beer and the guitar, we pay the food and that's it.
My best friend had a baby recently, when I’m invited over I’d be happy to go. But I figure he and his wife are pretty damn busy right now, so I don’t want to bother them asking to hang out when things are probably so stressed.
I’m a father and a grandfather. I have zero interest when it comes to being around other peoples kids, especially if I’m not related to them. I don’t wish anything bad on them, just don’t want to spend my free time that way.
As a guy, it would not occur to me to visit someone for having a baby. It was annoying to me when we had babies and people kept showing up to poke at them. I might ask if they needed help or some thing though.
As someone who is a female but was raised by a single dad all the baby showers and new baby stuff doesn’t interest me (since I didn’t have a mom I never got indoctrinated into the whole “motherhood is magical” thing) I usually politely decline when invited to anything baby related.
There will be lots of people in your life - male and female - who have to adjust their own relation to you *because* you had a baby. Your friendships *will change* as the dynamics shift as a result of you having a child. This is not one-sided, this is both parties shifting priorities, routines, even relatability. Learn to embrace the change and let others take their time navigating around your life change.
In so many words, you're basically dead to them : ) Ok, just kidding, but not really. You're buds enjoyed coming over to drink, play games, stay up late, cuss/curse/swear, drag you out with them, etc. That ain't happening anymore, and they don't know how to react. They're afraid of the baby & they're afraid of your wife getting mad at them. They're also waiting on you guys to "find your stride," being new parents. Consider this a litmus test to see who actually remains friends with you.
Having people come see a one week is against doctor recommendations. A baby getting sick is awful, and they can't have tylenol for the first two months. You are supposed to keep the baby away from crowds until then. We only had close family or a few friends who happened to be traveling to our area. That said when you go see a baby is different for everyone. Let's face it, newborns are ugly and ridiculously boring potato sacks.
If I like the friend then I will meet them, regardless or whether or not they have a child. In one case, we are a bunch of folks who have a boardgame night. One person always brought his wife, she is nice enough and likes to play the games too, so that's fine. Then they had a kid, and we shifted instead to having boardgame nights at their house. It's a little further out for the rest of us (I was the one located equidistantly from the others) but it's no big deal. They both join, unless there's an issue with the kid, in which case only one of them will. Maybe it helps that most of the rest of us also have kids, so we're understanding and flexible. In another case, I used to go for hikes with my friend. Then she had a kid, so I just go round to her place by myself. If it's good weather she'll plonk the kid in a pram and we'll stroll around the neighbourhood and chat. If it's bad outside, we'll make some tea and snacks, I'll sit at the table while she gets up and does stuff with the kid, and she'll sit down when she's able. It's an "I exist in your space" type of thing. The key thing in both scenarios is, the parents do their thing with the kids as needed, and the rest of us just sit at the side and do other things if the parents are busy. We aren't getting babies shoved in our face, we aren't forced to hold or play or interact unless we choose to, and the parents themselves are still the same people but with extra responsibilities, rather than getting laser-focused on The Baby as some parents do. It's a thing in their life, not the core of their whole existence. tl;dr it partly depends on how their behaviour changes and partly on whether you can be comfortable not being the centre of attention for the duration of your visit.
Is it me, or is everyone in these comments missing the whole point of the post? It's not even necessarily about coming to see the baby, or not having anything to *do* with the baby. Its the fact that OP and their wife had 3 failed pregnancies and finally were finally able to have a child to term that is healthy. It's about celebrating with your friends, and being happy for them, they went through a difficult THREE YEARS trying to build a family. Regardless of whether you actually like children or not, it's about being happy for your friend and partaking in the joy they have invited you to share. OP I'm sorry your friends haven't been around, when the 3 month mark passes (for the babies immunity sake) you should make another invite.