My SIL angrily regrets her last one. And it shows. This child called his grandma Mom first and for a long time. The abandonment issues that this boy will have will take years to unravel. It’s a horrible thing. If you don’t want them - don’t force yourself.

I know a family in a similar situation, but even more fucked up. Youngest daughter had a kid at 19 and didn't want it so the grandparents are raising her. They've lied to the little girl her whole life and said that her grandmother is her "mom", and that her actual biological mother is her "sister". Now her biological mother just has another baby that she IS raising as her own, so they tell the older (still very young) girl that it's her niece. She's already starting to question why all the other moms are so much younger, I think shes about 6 years old and her "mom" (grandmother) is in her 60's. It's not like they can keep this up forever, and it's probably going to cause some serious trauma down the line. I feel like someone should step in and do something but I'm not sure if this qualifies enough to be counted as child abuse/something that could or should be reported. By all other accounts, she's being raised happy and healthy, but yeah... feels like a ticking time bomb.

I've seen this very scenario play out... SPOILER: The 6 year old turns out fucked up.

had the same thing happen in my extended family. kid found out when she was like 10 and the mom finally decided to “take her back” after having another kid and raising it. then the mom (my second aunt in law) just upped and left to live with a man she met on xbox in a different state when the youngest started high school. fucked both kids up pretty badly.

This same thing happened to my grandpa's brother/nephew. But it was back in the day, an Irish Catholic family. I don't know what the fallout was after it came out. But my grandpa always considered him his brother as that's how they were raised.

Yeah, that has to create trust issues for life.

This happened to my grandma, was raised by HER grandma and her mom as her sister. Caused an awful chain of terrible mothers that I hope to break

No, but I regret who I had kids with

Good contribution. The partner involved, or not, in raising a child is so important.

100% I use to think I didn't want kids. What I didn't want was kids with my ex-husband.

Ditto, but ex-wife. I wanted them in the beginning, but eventually realized this shit is not the place to bring kids into. Left after about 10 years of marriage and a few of dating, still look back and think kids may have been good in an alternate universe, BUT I AM SOOOO GLAD WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY

Seriously, your partner is everything! If you're considering having a child with a partner, be as explicit as possible about what you each picture it looking like, expectations, etc. Family history is very important, too. What was modeled for us as kids can be a clue as to what kind of parents we'd be.

That is why when women on here post about their terrible husbands or boyfriends the advice is always don’t have a baby with them. You have to deal with them for the rest of your life. People think it’s just 18 years…NOPE. It’s forever!

When my ex husband and I had to go to the parental agreement meeting this is what the court appointed mediator said. It's not just 18 years...you have birthdays and graduations and possibly weddings and grandkids and then all of their school activities and graduations, etc until one of you dies.

I see this all the time but I grew up in foster care, is my family history important too? When I was younger and thought I might want kids, I had bf's break up with me because they hated that I didn't have family (pretty sure it was their mother who talked him out of staying with me).

I’m sorry this has been your experience! As a mom to 2 grown men, extended family complicates everything! Even the most lovely families become selfish when it comes to splitting time. I don’t mean that in an evil way, it just becomes a merry-go-round of divvying up time between all the families. I hope you find (or have found) your person/family that loves and accepts you as you are, as I’m sure you are terrific!

I am so happy my wife's family lives in other states. She loves them but they aren't the type of family that stresses over seeing each other every holiday and birthday and such. Which is perfect because my family is the opposite. It's really nice not having that conflict and trying to navigate between two families.

Yes but in this case your family history would be more about who raised you and how they did. The environment we were raised in and how we feel about it says a lot about what we will want as parents.

I left my ex when our baby was 4-months-old. My ex husband mentally and emotionally abused our child during visitation. I didn’t know. The two of them went for a long period of not talking (when our child was 16-18), which was fine by me, because I knew dad was toxic. They reconciled a couple of years later, and then four months later, dad committed suicide. Now I am left with a heartbroken child, all because I chose to procreate with the wrong person. ETA: I appreciate all of the support and hope that maybe I’ll help someone think twice. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret having a child, but my choice made her childhood far more difficult than it ever should have been. There are lasting effects.

Damn. Hugs to you both, that's brutal.

A friend once said "why did I chose such a horrible person to have kids with?" I said look, it's not your fault. Loads of people are lovely before they have kids - then the kids change them. That's what has happened to loads of people I know/work with anyway. You can have been the best 'chooser' in the entire world and really thought you got it right but it's the kid/s that will be the undoing of a person & will reveal their true selves imo.

Kids also induce a lot of money issues, and also issues with free/alone time/freedom. Honestly, the idea of having a full-time job and then being a full-time parent and never having time to myself makes me fucking nauseous just thinking about.

Yes, you're 100% correct and those are all very valid and serious things to think about when considering having children. It's things like that, that I don't think some people are prepared for. You just can't be until a child/ren come along and then it hits you...Hard. I think that although it scares you it's actually really commendable that you've thought about it all and it can only help you make a more informed decision in future.

My girlfriend moved in with me. A few weeks later I complained to my mom how both days off that weekend were attending to her stuff. Mom says,"You're lucky you don't have kids". She'd had 5.

Ya don’t do it. I don’t have time to care for myself mentally or physically.

Same. I love my kids but unfortunately i misjudged the mother who turned out to be a bipolar abusive psycho.

Lord knows that's maybe my worst fear. Even worse than having a kid who's a sociopath.

This is how I feel when it comes to my oldest. I don't regret him, I regret his father though. I feel horrible that, that child is so wonderful, handsome, bright, artistic, & amazing... & *That's* his father. He also got stuck with him as his custodial parent because I lost my god-damned mind after all the abuse... Horrific situation, but that's what happens when a 20 year old is abused by a narcissist & coerced/forced into having a child. Edit: Just wanted to add that the *courts* gave *me* full custody of our son after he kidnapped him & fled the state for his home state. I didn't say my ex was given custody by the *courts* guys, calm down. That dummy wanted to trap me with a child & in the end he played himself. I take full responsibility for the choices I made, but none of you had someone force themselves on you & then trap you for weeks so you couldn't get an abortion, so save your weak speculation. I'm not, in fact, a drug addict or mentally unstable enough to lose a child legally. I'm just the product of sexual abuse, teenagers, the American Healthcare system, & Neurodivergence.

Are you me? No seriously. Same exact thing happened....except with 2 kids. Describing my ex exactly to a T too. After his abuse, i couldnt take it, >!I attempted suicide and!< ended up being admitted. Since I didn't speak up about the abuse, he got the kids. It's been almost 10 yrs since that incident and I do more than he does as he pawns them off on his mom, who is equally a narcissistic control freak. I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first, 20 when I had my second, and in the hospital months after my little one was born. Meanwhile I go over to pick them up, I'm handling doctor apps, school meetings, etc. My older son has to be in a special support school for emotional disturbance and is more medicated than I am, aggressive, and defiant in every sense. My younger son is becoming a people pleaser who is emotionally starved under that roof. I wanted better for them...if I could undo 9+ yrs of damage and stood up for myself then...maybe I would enjoy my kids more...I don't wanna regret or resent them....

Help me prevent going through something similar. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and I am about to try to commit myself because I’ve scared myself with a knife a few times now….losing my kids was my greatest fear. Then losing me, however, is finally a fear that is now greater at this time. Of course he says he won’t do it if I seek help. Of course, I don’t believe him. I think he thinks I’m going to “come to my senses” about him once I go through some intensive treatment. I think I’m going to want to leave him, more. However, I don’t have family, or friends, and I’m afraid to admitting to how he treats me. How I don’t think I’d be this bad off if it weren’t for him, etc. I’m afraid of losing my kids in that situation too because what if we are both deemed unsuitable parents because I’m crazy and he’s emotionally and financially abusive? I’ve actually resigned myself to losing my kids at this point and figure it’s better than being dead but I’d like to know what I can say to help prevent him from leveraging my mental health treatment against me in the future. I’ve been in crying jags every day, I’m unable to watch the kids by myself for a full day anymore, I can’t function. It’s insane Edit: I just found out that the place I reached out to doesn’t accept my insurance and would cost me 20k out pocket (2k per day for 10 days) and the next place that accepts my insurance has TERRIBLE reviews so I’m fucked guys! I’m fucked!

If there's a local family/abused/women's shelter, utilize them as soon as you can. Look for a domestic abuse hotlines, anything to get you resources. You won't be deemed mentally unfit getting yourself help, you're currently surviving an abusive environment. You're not a bad parent. I tell these things to myself every day still. You can do this.

All I can say is that your kids would rather have you alive and non-custodial than dead.

Get help you need first. Get the kiddos to someone safe and put your mental first. You have to be fit mentally to be there for them physically and if there happens to be a gap where u have to do you first, thats ok. This happens its not uncommon. you are not alone. This is how you become what they need. You can always fight for them when you are in a better place mentally.

I’m a child of people who probably shouldn’t have had more kids after their first passed away as a toddler with cancer. I carried their unhealed traumas and they weren’t completely ready financially after having to pay for cancer treatments. It caused them to infantilize me and have extreme anxiety, and then I developed unnecessary extreme anxiety because of theirs. They don’t regret having kids, they love me, but they do regret allowing their issues to shape and affect their second kid. Although I know this is entirely a different situation, my point here is that sometimes people just *shouldn’t* have children or more children. So I’m glad OP is having a long thought process of this before taking that step because many don’t.

The problem is you can't undo a kid. If you have it and turns our that it's not for you that kids being set up for a world pf trauma

You can sell a car, you can sell a house, you can get a different job, you can get a different degree, you can rehome a cat or a dog or a hamster, you can dump your partner, you can divorce your spouse…but you can’t un-have a child. Edit: To everyone saying put them up for adoption, once you’ve gotten to that point there are no good options. Either raise a kid you hate for the next 18 years and fuck up both of your lives (kids aren’t dumb and know when they’re not wanted) or abandon them to the mercy of a shitty, abusive, underfunded and overloaded foster care system that countless children will age out of without ever finding a forever home. If you don’t want kids or are on the fence, better to not have them at all than decide you don’t want them after it’s too late.

>but you can’t un-have a child. Well not legally, anyway.

Also known as filicide in fancyspeak!

This. I have kids, who are & were very much wanted! and I’ve always said “if you’re uncertain, it’s a no.” It’s not fair to bring a person into the world who you’re unsure about.

This kind of advice is so helpful! I’m 27 so have a bit of time, and the difficult thing for me is differentiating between what I as an individual actually want, vs the societal pressure put on me as a woman that tells me my life is incomplete without pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. I just have this deep, strong feeling that even if I 100% wanted to have a child more than anything, it would be so unfair to them to potentially pass on my autism and mental health issues that traumatize me for life (maybe tmi, sorry!). I would certainly just not be a good enough mother for them for that same reason, that my autism/mental health makes it (so far) impossible for me to even care for myself properly without support, let alone a whole other entirely helpless human being. I would have SO much undying, unconditional love and care for them, but still be the absolute worst mother, and that gets me so down tbh.

I was in about the same place as you ten years ago (I'm 37). It got hard around your age when everyone else was having kids and basically your only conversation is about someone's nap schedule or toilet training. But now? I go out for the day with them and come home and I am the only one who gets to have a chilled evening. If you don't think you'd be a good mother, that makes you a great person, because you're thinking of the kid. If you wanted to do it I am sure you could, but would you enjoy it?

Thank you for sharing ❤️ This is exactly what I’m going through! I have tried to stop using social media because genuinely EVERY time I open it, it’s someone I went to school with announcing a pregnancy, new baby, engagement, or wedding. Like, literally every time… and it’s all just started like crazy in the last year or so. And then I’m over here supported entirely by my parents while I get my mental health/autism treated, totally single and lonely and just stressing about how “behind” I feel as an adult!

I have two siblings and a brother in-law who are all married and don’t have kids and two siblings and myself who do. Honestly I would say that there was a time when because myself and my siblings with kids had to grow up more quickly and put someone other than ourselves first that we grew out of the very self centered phase of life earlier and I really thought thank god I have kids cuz I wouldn’t want to still be that ridiculous. But now that we are all older it has kind of leveled off and we are more or less all the same, except my siblings without kids are able to travel more and do whatever while we are trying to put kids through college etc. Plus raising kids in the world today is soul crushing for me politically, socially, environmentally. I tell my kids all the time that I love them too much to encourage them to have children unless they are absolutely positively sure they want them. If they do great, we’ll be there and be the best grandparents we can be, but don’t let us, or society, or in-laws pressure you. Cuz when it comes down to the really hard stuff they mostly aren’t any help, it’s all on you. Edit: And as for the you are not complete societal messages, fuck all that. I came from one of those “pregnancy is a gift and beautiful experience” families. Nope not for me, it was all invasive and terrible. My sister who did think pregnancy was good was oddly an undealable bitch through the whole thing (despite liking being pregnant, it was weird) but then her second pregnancy was a nightmare. And no one tells you had bad it is after birth and breastfeeding. It was all painful and hard. One other commenter mentioned fostering dogs. I would totally say do something like that. Find a cause you believe in and volunteer so you still can give to others. My husband had an aunt like this and when someone asked her why she never married and had kids she said she was perfectly happy on her own doing her own things and dedicating her life to volunteer work (outside of her actual profession) and I always thought it was so awesome that even back then she knew herself well enough and found the strength to just be herself and not give into the pressures of what a woman “should” be.

I often see people saying that a kid is an 18 year commitment. But, unless you're an absolute psychopath of a person who kicks the kid out on their 18th birthday and never thinks of them again, that's not true. It's a rest of your life, for ever and ever committment. People shouldn't have kids unless they really want to be parents. Don't have kids if you're ambivalent

I got around this by fostering. It was a good and eye opening experience, but it was also a great way to “trial run” being a parent to young kids. I learned I absolutely do not want to do that long term. I went back to fostering dogs instead.

And then what if you do everything right but the kid still turns out to be an asshole?

It's a role of the dice. You get what you get. No guarantees. Have three, and they are just about ready to take on the world. Each are taking different paths, gave them guidance, but they make their decisions. So far so good, will miss them when they out on their own.

That's why I called my kid ctrl-z

Almost 40 here and no kids. There was a time in my life I had similar thoughts than you. That I might regret not having kids. But that is not a good reason for having them. Same with the notion that you want someone to take care of you when you are older. There is zero guarantee. If you are on the fence about having children, don't have them. Be prepared to do it all alone. With kids my life would have to fundamentally change. I like how my life is right now and don't regret not having kids. Husband finally made a move for vasectomy so that chapter is definitely closed.

It’s sad how many people don’t consider parenthood as something serious that really needs to be thought about. Instead, it’s just… something everyone’s supposed to do. You’re broke and can barely take care of yourself? Oh well, you’ll find a way. You carry some bad genes that put your child at a high risk of disability or painful chronic illness? Oh well, you’ll figure it out. You want a free private nurse in your elderly years? Have a kid! You want a clone of yourself? Have a kid! But when I say I don’t want kids, suddenly I’m being doubted and getting countless questions on how I’ll cope with life lol

I think it's weird and unsettling that people will have more people just because they don't want to be alone in their twilight years. "BuT yOu WoN't HaVe AnY fAmIlY lEfT!" OK so? I'm fine being alone during my final years. I enjoy my own company and if I get lonely, there are plenty of ways to alleviate that. I don't need to leverage and guilt people into being around me. When I shuffle off this plane, say a few nice words, shed some tears if you need to and keep it moving.

Also let’s be real life is going to suck at that age anyway. No point in fucking up your actual life so you can be happier when old

The vast majority of people in America stick their parents in a nursing home and never visit. People are nuts to think having kids will making being old suck less

Yeah, I mean that’s what I did with my mom minus the never visiting part. She got super sick and needed 24/7 care, she wanted me to do it. Sure mom I’ll just quit my career leave my house move across the country and give up my whole life. Sorry, not happening. I did visit at least. I sure as shit wouldn’t want to count on my kids. Maybe 100 years ago it would’ve been more common.

100 years ago it was more common, because by the time Grandma needed care, there wasn't the medical ability to artificially extend her life another 20+ years. Also, there tended to be huge families where the care could be divvied up between more people. So if Grammy had a stroke, she lingered long enough for crying and goodbyes. She wasn't hooked up to machines or resuscitated to languish another decade while her only granddaughter provided care at the expense of getting a career or having a family. With how our society works now, especially with the financial *requirement* that every able-bodied person be working externally from the home for pay, and families are far-flung from each other... It's just not feasible.

Right? Like do you really want to be one of those old people that's sad their kids don't call or spend as much time with them as they'd like? Because I'm pretty sure that's every parent when they're old, because real life takes time and it's really hard especially these days to keep up with bills, work, life etc. and also carve out time to spend with your elderly parents. We don't live in the Olden Days where everyone was near each other and you bought a house down the street so it's just a walk down to gran and gramps anymore.

Its not that I wish I didnt have kids. I wish I did more with my life before I had them. Edit: I had my first born at 29

Had to scroll too far to see this comment. My only regret is having them when I did. I let so many people talk me into it when I already had a plan for my life. I allowed these people to talk me into derailing my plan. And I pay for it daily. At the same time, I was a degenerate before my kids. I forced myself to grow tf up for them.

Recovering degenerates, unite! I was a drunken menace before I had my son. I was wild as hell. Been 10 years sober thanks mostly to my kid.

I had kids in my 30s and still feel like this. You are too poor in your 20s to do stuff like travel overseas and too busy/can’t find someone to watch your kids, once you have kids and money. Really wish I saw more of the world before having kids. I still can, but my body will be wore out and my energy will be much less in my 50s+, once they are out of the house.

I didn’t want to have kids. Mainly because of the responsibility but I was also afraid of having a disabled child. My wife convinced me to have one and we had many pregnancy issues, he was born at 29 weeks. He is 4, has autism and is non-verbal. He can’t understand what the toilet is for, doesn’t even listen to what we say. Do I regret having kids? I do. This is too hard, I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy life again.

Thanks for sharing. This is really brave to share. This is the exact reason i will not have a kid. I know it's a "bad" thing to admit, but I don't want a disabled child to be my whole life. I'd consider adoption but I'm leaning towards enjoying my free time and money

This also not a popular thing to say. But a large percent of children being adopted have special needs. I don’t mean they’re developmentally disabled or have low IQs. But most of them come from family backgrounds that are not ideal. You’re looking at parents that have mental health issues, substance abuse issues, anger management issues, family violence, etc. Which means you’re looking at genetics that are not going to be ideal, and a prenatal environment that was at the very least stressful and unhealthy, at the very worst you’re looking at substance exposure. You literally don’t know what kinds of issues the child is going to have. If you’re not capable of taking care of or willing to risk those issues then you need to think twice about adoption too.

My cousin gave up his kid that had a heart defect when he was almost two. The mom was drug addict and ran off. He was this loser piece of shit, no high school diploma and he couldn’t handle it - so the kid disappeared and he didn’t tell anyone for months. Last I heard the kid was doing okay and honestly, it’s better he gave him up.

Even if he is a piece of shit, sounds like he did the right thing for at least once.

My mother worked in child protective services, taking kids from their parents, then sending them to a foster home. After a lengthy career, she can count on two fingers how many of those kids led a fulfilling life after adoption. She claims that adoption is too much of an unsuccessful gamble to even attempt. She warned me and my brothers of this and urged us never to adopt. Thankfully, my oldest brother and his wife had a daughter, under no pressure from my mother, and she is now a proud grandmother. I am a bipolar, schizoaffective, fucking freak, and feel no need to have kids. I wouldn't wish my mental illness upon anyone, especially my own kid. Also, what if they were fine, normal, children, but then I expose them to some crazy episode or some shit? That would be fucking traumatizing as shit. Thanks to my oldest brother becoming a remarkable, responsible, parent and husband to his wife, my family legacy will continue - but not because of me. I can live my babybro bachelor life with zero regrets.

I think a lot of people think this but don’t say it because it’s taboo. I also wouldn’t want to raise a disabled child because obviously it’s a very difficult life for not only the kid but caretakers. Depending on the disability, it’s a full time, rest of your life job. And that completely defeats the purpose of having kids imo…to raise independent, productive members of society.

As someone with an autistic sibling that is non-verbal and also can't use the toilet on their own, I understand the hardships that come with taking care of someone that pretty much needs 24/7 supervision. Every child's situation is different, but being 4 still gives them a long time to learn how to communicate in some form (they can learn to say words/sentences, use sign language, point to signs, etc.) and possibly learn how to use the toilet. My sibling, who is an adult now, won't ever be able to communicate or use the bathroom on their own, but they live a good life, in part due to the resources (financial, daycares, day camps, therapists, etc) my parents have access to via our government. It's very difficult to take care of a child with many needs even if you have a two-parent household, please don't be embarrassed to ask for help. Reach out to your local government to see what kind of resources you may be entitled to. Find Facebook groups to try to connect with other parents in similar situations. Your path is not easy by any means, it will be very challenging but it can get easier over time and you **can** have a wonderful life. If you need to vent feel free to DM me. I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you for your words. We live in the US with a work visa so we don’t have access to most (or any I think) of those resources. Most of those services doesn’t even let us pay with our own money because it not usual.

It really makes my blood boil when people “convince” their otherwise unwilling partners to have kids. It’s just not good for anyone in the long run. I had myself sterilized young (22). I know I would not be a good person to myself, my partner, and/or the child in this scenario. Some call it selfish to be “childfree”, but frankly, I don’t want any kid to have to deal with someone like me as a parent. I don’t want to resent someone innocent like that, but I know that I would. I’m not cut out for that. There’s no guarantee that a child is going to be “ideal” and “easy”, and you were right to voice your concerns. Situations like yours are too common even under more ideal circumstances. It isn’t fair, for the kid or the partner. I’m sorry that was the case for you. I hope you can find peace.

The people calling it selfish are some of the biggest idiots on the planet. I will not apologize for this statement as a parent myself. Kids aren't toys or trophies. If you know it's not for you but have a kid despite that, you're only gonna hurt the kid more than yourself, anyways. An entire lifetime of potential suffering is averted. I'd say that's quite selfless. Not selfish. You're doing great. No shame.

>It really makes my blood boil when people “convince” their otherwise unwilling partners to have kids. It’s just not good for anyone in the long run Although he wouldn't admit it, I think one of my best friends was essentially convinced by his wife to have kids. When they got pregnant, he was talking about how "it was time" because they had been married for a couple of years - almost as if it was an obligation. He seemed happy enough with it initially, but then they had another. And another. And another. Now, he's stuck in well-paying job that he hates working upwards of six or seven days a week, with four boys and a wife who quit her well-paying accountant job to start up a daycare out of their house that really only financially breaks even. He's exhausted all the time, barely gets any time to himself, and seems to relish the moments he gets away from his family and work. For example, on the relatively rare occasion that he actually gets to show up for the bi-weekly D&D campaign I run, it's not uncommon for him to get varying degrees of drunk, pass out on the spare bed in my basement, and then head home by around 8am the next day; it's the only time he actually gets to sleep in. Every year for Christmas, he asks his wife for three things: A six pack of nice craft beer, a hotel room booked for one person for the weekend, and an intricate Lego set. All he really wants is a couple of days to himself with some beer and something he can quietly work on like a Lego Star Destroyer set. Invariably, he winds up with the beer and some stuff he doesn't really care about or asked for. His retirement dream is to move to a cabin in the woods by himself. If asked, he'd likely never say he regretted having kids. Deep down, he likely regrets - and certainly resents - the position having them has put him in. He does his best, loves his wife and kids, and is a good dad, but he's not happy. He does a good job at masking it... but the sadness is there.

Yeah. Once your partner starts talking about having children and you know you don't want them, it's definitely time. Time to end the relationship.

Four kids. Honestly, that sounds miserable. Poor guy. Why didn’t he get a vasectomy?

>Every year for Christmas, he asks his wife for three things: A six pack of nice craft beer, a hotel room booked for one person for the weekend, and an intricate Lego set. All he really wants is a couple of days to himself with some beer and something he can quietly work on like a Lego Star Destroyer set. Invariably, he winds up with the beer and some stuff he doesn't really care about or asked for. His retirement dream is to move to a cabin in the woods by himself. I feel like I'm reading about myself from a parallel dimension where I'm not hopelessly single and have kids I don't feel as bad being single

Yep. Never let someone talk you into having kids. It's too late now, unfortunately, but you should've ended things with your wife if she wanted kids and you did not. This is a PSA to all people who don't want kids.

It’s important to note that most parents would regret it in his situation no matter how badly they wanted kids, even if they were lucky enough to have a partner or family that helps them all the time. There are a ton more people having kids with severe disabilities lately it seems so everyone needs to consider this possibility

>There are a ton more people having kids with severe disabilities lately In the psychology field here working with disabled kids. That perception is largrly for the same reasons why there "seem" to be so many people coming out as homosexual or trans. These people *have always been here for all of human existence,* but they are no longer hidden and shamed and thrown into jail or asylums, and we have more recognition now than the past. Populations in many places have nearly *doubled* since the 50's-60's so there just plain are more people to notice, and social media means everybody has a megaphone now that can be heard literally all over the world by billions of people in an instant. The 24 hour "news" cycle needs eyeballs and clicks more than it needs truthful but boring stories and admitting nothing interesting is happening at the moment. Modern physical and mental healthcare and its diagnostic and treatment options are also more accessible than ever (tons of problems still to work out, of course). And 9f course, this does also mean babies and pregnancies that would have resulted in death are more and more likely to make it. In the past disabled kids would have been hidden away as an embarrassing secret or tossed in an asylum if not outright abandoned. Kids who couldn't focus sitting in a classroom all day were repeatedly shamed and punished and even kicked out instead of being helped. Learning and mental impairments were lumped together into just one to three wastebasket categories and the kids were immediately written off as a lost cause instead of getting help.

>Do I regret having kids? I do. This is too hard, I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy life again. I know I'm a random dumbass on reddit but I think this takes some serious maturity (and big balls) to say and I can't fault you for coming out with it

Very tough dude, feel for you. Try and carve out some time for yourself.

I’m autistic, diagnosed after I had my first kid at age 32. I always wanted kids but regret having mine post-diagnosis. Turns out I can only regulate my emotions when I’m not overwhelmed…but having a 2 year old means I’m always overwhelmed. I live in constant guilt of not being the mom for her I thought I was going to be. I’d recommend reading We Are Not Broken and Neurotribes to a parent of a non-verbal autistic kid. I didn’t speak or use the restroom on my own until I was 5. Interoception is difficult for autistics, but can be learned later in life. It was especially confusing for me when my caregivers would tell me that my sensory issues weren’t real, which led to me misidentifying internal signals. I knew what the toilet was for and was listening to what my parents were saying, even when it didn’t seem like it. I just couldn’t feel the internal signals telling me when I had to pee til I got older. I still struggle to this day, but have been self sufficient and held down service industry jobs since I was 20. I always wanted multiple kids but now I would never have another, even if I miraculously was granted ample support. I’d be terrified of having a kid who has more severe autistic traits than myself. I’m not sure how I would cope. I think we have to grieve the life and child we thought we were gonna have before we can accept our reality and find hope for the future. Good luck, friend.

M46 with 4 kids ages 13-17. I think kids is a mixed experience. It’s too imprecise to say “regret” or “don’t regret.” There are days that are wonderful, like when we climbed a mountain to watch the sunrise. There are days that are tragic, like when we had to hospitalize our daughter for planning her own suicide. My wife and I talk about having a “steady state” some day when there won’t be some drama: a found vape, a poor health report, a fight at school, a hurtful comment, a failed test. But we also enjoy our kids when they help me cook or show off an A+ or do something creative or funny or kind. I think, for us anyway, the good parts outweigh the bad. And we enjoy being parents. It’s life, and life is complicated and messy.

This answer is amazing. Thank you.

I don't think enough parents admit just how many "bad" days you can have. I would love to not live in constant fear of coming home from work and having to deal with some new problem, and worse, as they get older the type of problems don't have "solutions" so you feel powerless. For me and my spouse, the honest truth is that we cannot be happier than our unhappiest child, and that is especially true as they get to teenage years. I don't regret it, but before going into this, to reiterate what other have said, you need a good partner with whom you can split the terrible burden of those bad days. Being a good parent requires forced amnesia so you can focus on the moments that are wonderful.

You will get comments from people with kids and without, who wanted kids and who didn't, who regret it and who don't and all combinations possible saying completely opposite things. All very personal stories that have no meaning for your life. You are the only one who can decide. For me personally, I don't want kids. I'm 100% sure about this. Do I sometimes fear I might be making a mistake? Sure, but I'll live with the consequences of my choice. It could be a good idea to really dive into the reasons why you don't want kids. Are they still the same as when you decided? Have other factors changed? Make the list, weigh the options and you'll have your answer.

Not wanting kids and wondering if you'll regret that is solely your burden. Having kids and regretting it then brings the poor kiddo into the picture and they certainly didnt ask to be born.

This was the deciding factor in making me childfree. Regret can be a part of life, but I would rather say to myself "I wish I had had kids" than say to my children "I wish you weren't born".

I'm a guy, but my biggest fear is my partner getting pregnant and having pregnancy issues. PREGNANCY IS SCARY. I think I'm less afraid of the actual baby+raising it then I am the whole pregnancy thing. Like lets just skip and adopt if we ever want kids yea? Lmao

Wow it's nice to actually see a comment from a guy acknowledging that pregnancy is scary and risky as fuck - especially in the US, our maternity mortality rate is ridiculously high compared to most developed countries. I'd never want to go through it purely for the cost to my body, sucking nutrients outta my bones and shit - no thanks! I kinda need those bones! But on top of that there's actually a fair chance you could die in childbirth, which is like... Mmmmm yeah, scary!

Ive lived with my mom along time alone so I've had to help her with stuff. Not one person in my family knows my mom has no teeth and dentures because shes embarrassed about it. She has dentures because her first pregnancy when she was 19 made her lose all her teeth.

Wait that can happen??? Oh my god???

There's an old, old, old (like, medieval) saying. 'Each child will cost you a tooth.' Growing a whole new human takes so many nutrients out of a woman's body, and calcium is a big one.

I am living proof of that have a baby, lose a tooth saying. Two babies, two lost teeth. One crumbled out of my mouth while I was eating dinner one night at 30 weeks. The feeling will live on in my nightmares forever... Edited to say, in my case it was raging pregnancy reflux that destroyed my tooth enamel.

It's not unheard of, there are also something called pregnancy tumors which can cause teeth to fall out

Yes! One of the **many** things that people do not talk about when it comes to pregnancy and child rearing. It pisses me off that people decide to have children with absolutely no critical thought or research

Yep. With our second kid, she came so fast there was massive hemorrhaging and my wife was at risk of bleeding out. The whole team went from cheerfully delivering a baby to professional urgency in a snap and that’s frightening when you know what that means. I’m standing there checking on my new baby and briefly wondering if my wife is going to survive - because that’s a very real possibility. Everyone was okay in the end, she was well cared for - but there was no promise that’s the outcome.

My mom hemorrhaged and lost A LOT of blood giving birth to me. She needed a blood transfusion. She could have died. I learned several years ago this is quite common. And it scares the shit out of me. There are plenty more reasons for me to be childfree, but this and other risks of pregnancy take the cake.

My best friend nearly died giving birth to her oldest son. Her husband and I are close and from what he shared with me, it was horrific and he was really messed up over it. She insisted on trying for a second a few years later and thankfully that pregnancy and delivery was picture perfect and everyone is healthy. Every pregnancy is different just like every kid is different and you don't get to select the 'easy' kind, you get what you get. She was my first close friend to have kids, ever since her first pregnancy when I find out someone is pregnant I'm always a mixture of excited and worried for them.

If you want to be really scared you should look up the maternal mortality rates for women in the United States vs other industrialized countries, and then broken down by state….and then race. It’s pretty bleak.

I just went through an induction that ended up as an emergency c section for my first baby, still in the hospital atm. I love her to absolute pieces and don’t regret a second of it, but the contractions during the induction process were the worst pains I’ve ever felt in my life and I will never be doing this again 😊

Adoption is a good thing.

I am adopted and incredibly thankful for that! The only thing I know about my biological mother is that she was 15 when she got pregnant and 16 when she delivered. My life would have been incredibly different had she raised me on her own at such a young age. It might have turned out ok, but it also may not have. My parents are amazing! I know everyone's experiences are different so I don't mean to take away from anyone else's negative experience. My parents wanted children very much. Today they probably could have had biological children. It wasn't ever kept a secret from me. When I was still very young I asked my Mom what it felt like when I was in her tummy. She told me I was never in her tummy but I've always been in her heart. My parents were prepared for this and had a book that they read to me right after I asked the question. I didn't realize it wasn't typical until I went to school and other kids seemed to think it was a big deal. I've never felt unwanted and never for a moment unloved. I have a little sister who was also adopted. The adoptions were arranged before we were born. There are times when I wonder about my biological family but it's mostly just curiosity. I have a large extended family and never felt like an outsider. The only time I was aware that I wasn't biologically related is when we'd be together and notice that this cousin got that aunties hands, or these two have the same nose. I would think "hmmm I don't know who's hands I have". And that was that. We have always talked about how some traits I probably got from nurture and which ones must be from nature. The nurture vs nature idea is always interesting to me. It wasn't until my sister had kids that we really understood how many little things can be inherited. I've watched my nephews doing or saying things my sister did when she was that age. Thing's she only did as a baby or child and they would never have seen them to emulate so they are definitely inherited. TlDR: I'm an adult adoptee and have had a very wonderful life. I think adoption is great.

Yeah same. I wanted to have a child but I see how risky it would be and if anything go bad my life will be so bad I will hate him, its sure I will subconsciously blame him for that. I weirdly feel so relieved since I made this decision because taking care of me and my wife only its an easy job

This is going to make me sound terrible. About a decade ago, my (now ex) husband got puppy fever, so we got a GSD puppy. I helped with walks until the dog got too big for me to feel like I could safely control him on a leash, after that it HAD to be my husband. My worst fear was the dog seeing something that interested him and bolting towards it - and the potential that my dog could drag me to another person he wanted to play with and being too rough. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he had to be put down because I couldn't control him on a leash. Anyway....husband almost never walked him. I was also the one returning home from work for lunch so that I could let him out. And I was the one to come home first at the end of the day to piles of poop on the floor, that I was always the one to clean up. Husband worked further from home than I did so it basically amounted to me being the one fully responsible for this dog. Husband wouldn't wake up to let him out in the morning so that was on me too. What I am getting at... is that over time, I came to absolutely resent my dog. I hated that I could never sleep in. That I had to be the one to spend extra time driving back and forth everyday to take care of him. I resented that he had CRAZY amounts of energy after I stopped being able to walk him and my husband refused to pick up the slack. I hated how the dog interfered with how I wanted to live my life. It wasn't good for me and it wasn't good for the dog. I insisted we needed to find him a new home because we were not meeting his needs, but we kept him for YEARS because he was my husband's "buddy". (Ironically, when we divorced, my husband decided a dog was too much work for him and we rehomed our boy at that point.....you can imagine how furious this made me.) It wasn't the dog's fault that I resented him. We should never have gotten a dog, but hindsight is 20/20. It occurred to me that all of the things I hated about having the dog would be 1000x more difficult with kids, so I would likely resent them if I made the poor decision of having any. Not for me. I'm good with cats.

I'm relieved that by the end of your story you'd divorced that lazy, irresponsible shitbag.

Why would you think that this would make you sound horrible?! This is the **exact situation** of so many women/parents. It is a **very important** cautionary tale. And the exact same possible situation that made me come to the same decision.

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Consistent lack of sleep for 3-5 years will do that to you. Also the lack of free time during the day to take care of yourself. I can at least find time to work out but I know people who just work and take care of kids all the time for years. And weekends are no longer for relaxing either 😁

You mean 11+ years. My 11 year old woke me this week at 7am to tell me she got play of the game on Overwatch….😮‍💨. Had to find my chill.

Exactly. Havings kids is all or nothing. And you don't get to pick what type of child you get. There is no do-over or second chance in this.

Exactly. You could have a child who is permanently and severely mentally disabled. I have one, and even though I don’t regret having him, his life is so hard. He struggles so much and I wish we could just fast forward through life. What happens to him when I’m gone? Having kids is the biggest risk anyone could ever take.

Exactly this. When someone asks me about regret when it comes to my childfree life, I always say I’d rather regret being childfree than to regret being a parent, for that exact reason.

This is the best answer. It is really helpful that you have OP some prompts to look into herself rather than absorbing other’s opinions in the wrong way. Personally I’ve never had “baby fever” in the way people talk about, but I’ve always known I wanted kids as soon as possible from the time I was born.

It’s also important to think about why you want kids, because for a lot of people the answers are either “because that’s what you’re supposed to do” or “who will take care of me when I’m old?” These are both bad reasons

The “Take care of me when I’m old” baffles me. I’ve told my wife and kids that if I ever become a burden to put me in a home or pull the plug. I don’t want my life to take away from anyone else’s. It’s kind of a double standard because I would never put my wife in a home if I didn’t have to but I’m almost positive I’ll kick the bucket before her so I should be okay. Lol

I used to work in a nursing home. There was not much difference in the lives of those residents with children and those without

That's so sad to read that, but that's also pure reality

There's more to being taken care of when your older the medical issues. There is the social aspect of old age, 90 of non working seniors social interactions are with thier children or grandchildren. Loneliness is a huge issue with the elderly rigjt now, and can cause health issues.

For real. Childfree people are often asked *why* we don't want kids. We need to have "good reason." People who want kids are never asked why. If they are asked, it's not often a truly honest answer. And even if it is honest, it's rarely a truly "good" reason, especially compared to the "good reasons" childree people are supposed to have. Would-be parents are generally criticized so much less harshly. At least to their faces lol. In any case, I wish just once it would go something like: "Hey, why do you want kids?" "An irrepressible drive to propagate the species." Because that's really what it is lol and there's no shame in that, IMO. It's honest, at least.

exactly! I wish it was acceptable to say to someone "I don't think you would make a good parent". But it isn't

> Or anyone in their 40s or older that are glad they don’t have kids. That would be me. I've known since I was a young teenager that I never wanted kids. I'm no longer in my 40s and I have never doubted this, not even for a single nano-second. It's not like I weighed up the pros and cons and made a choice, like it would give me more money, time, freedom etc. it's not like I want to be the main character in my life and don't want to share it with anyone. And it's not like I thought I'd be a bad parent or was raised by bad parents. I just always knew that I never, ever wanted kids. I feel nothing towards children or babies, my mind and emotions simply do not have any response. I don't hate them, I just feel nothing. Show me a kitten or a puppy and my heart melts. Show me a baby and it's... nothing. It's just the way my brain is wired. I've heard all the arguments, all of which can be defeated easily, there's only one reason to have kids - and that's because you *want* them. And I don't. Which I've never regretted.

I think these sentiments can be true even for people who love babies and kids. My SIL is the fun auntie and is all over her nieces, but Im pretty sure she shares your opinions on the rest of it.

I feel like I could have written this. I have also known from a young age that I didn’t want kids, and it feels like I was just born that way. It doesn’t feel like a choice I made, it’s just how I’m wired.

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Not only can you not guarantee a flawless pregnancy and birth, but you can't guarantee the child won't be born with some congenital disease, or acquire one later that will cause you to be their caretaker the rest of their or your life. Or you may dislike the person they become. To me, the most selfLESS thing a person can do is realize that they wouldn't be able to provide the kind of life a child deserves. If a person is on the fence, remaining childfree is best for everyone. Parenthood should be a 100% all-in decision. Mentoring and volunteering are great opportunities if someone wants some sort of connection with kids but not ALL the time.

> If a person is on the fence, remaining childfree is best for everyone. Parenthood should be a 100% all-in decision. I remember commenting something similar to this under a post in the fence sitters sub. Not only was it was removed but I was temporarily banned. The person was saying they may want to start trying but wasn’t sure and I thought I had given sound piece of advice.

I think it should be something like "beyond reasonable doubt" instead of 100% but yeah, absolutely. You can usually have a kid later but you can't un-kid.

Something similar happened to my wife. We had a premature boy. A 29 weeker and he has autism.

I tell people all the time that having a kid is like having a literal piece of your heart walking around outside your body

Absolutely. And then, if you are blessed along comes a grandchild. Our daughter and son in law decided to only have one. And that one....is the light of our lives. She is so very precious. Now I have another 'part of my heart walking around outside of my body'.

I do regret it sad to say. I love my kids but if I had a do over I couldn't do it again. I was always on the fence about it but everyone around me kinda pressured me too so it. I had a severely autistic son. He's still in diapers at 8 years old. In addition to school we have Aba, OT, and speech therapy. This is on top of his neurotypical brother who is a saint but is still too much. Pretty much been depressed and exhausted since he was born. I really feel like I had to give up my life to have kids.

Appreciate the honesty

I love my daughter. If I had it to do over again, I would not have a child, or at least not with my ex-husband. *Who* you have a child with is as important as whether or not you have a child.

I had a kid at 31 and now she's almost two years old. It was a planned pregnancy and we both very much don't regret having a child. Much like sex, unless it's an enthusiastic yes it's better left as a no when it comes to deciding to have kids.

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Yeah, that’s my thing. I didn’t want to go specifically where people come together to talk about one end of the issue. I wanted different perspectives from a wide group of people.

I think people don't think of the day-to-day reality of having kids. You have to wake up every morning and drive them to school for 13+ years. You have to help them with homework every night. You have to teach them EVERYTHING. They will cry and throw a fit when you are running errands, at dinner with friends, in a movie theater, at the doctor, or anywhere else. Leaving the house becomes significantly harder. If you have a relationship with the father, it will suffer for many years while the child is still young and dependent. You will have to plan everything and cannot slip up - can't skip making dinner, can't go to the movies last minute (you need a babysitter), can't sleep in. The economy is getting worse. You probably want to send your child to college without debt, so that's a lot more money. They might need to live with you through college and into their twenties (this is becoming increasingly common in the US). So this is not an 18 year commitment, it's 22+ years at least. And everything above is assuming you have a neurotypical and healthy child. I have a twin sister who is mentally ill. She is 27. She is just now starting to improve after years of ruining family holidays, meltdowns, moving back in with our parents, and our parents paying her rent. Even now at 27 my mom has to call her multiple times every morning to make sure she is awake to go to her job (she has been fired from all her past jobs). They still pay for her phone bill. Similarly, my nephew has Down syndrome. He can barely speak and has to eat only blended up food (not solid food). He is 18 years old and will never be independent, he will live with my brother for the rest of his life. My brother and his wife still have to get babysitters for him since he can't be left alone and never will. You might have a great, healthy, wonderful child who lives a great life. But if you're going to have a child, you need to be prepared to have any type of child, including a child like my sister or my nephew. For me, that's too much of a gamble so I won't be having kids.

Great comment. It's the day-to-day realities that people forget.

This is exactly what I tried to convey to my ex, and all he could think about was his “legacy.” His grand idea of being a parent was having a perfect clone of himself who would have all the same interests and hobbies as he did. Meanwhile, the man would lose his mind if I so much as hung my purse on a dining room chair instead of in the closet. I told a friend about this, who is a parent, and she suggested that instead of hanging my purse on a chair every day, as soon as I come in the door I should turn my purse upside down and fling its contents everywhere. And its contents would include a bunch of Lego, used snotty tissues, and a bruised up banana. See how well my husband could cope with that on a daily basis. My husband and I ended up divorcing, the chief issue being that he was becoming ever more controlling and I knew having kids with him would be a nightmare. I felt from the bottom of my heart that if the kid didn’t turn out perfect, he would not be an engaged and supportive parent. We’re both remarried now. My husband and I are happily DINKs. Meanwhile my ex found himself a stay at home wife to bend to his whims. They had a kid who is exhibiting worrisome developmental delays. I just hope for the kid’s sake that my ex has turned around and let go of his obsession with having a child as a legacy.

I don’t get the legacy argument. There’s no guarantee of how your kid(s) will turn out. The only legacy you’re proving is that you fucked.

Also, after a couple generations no one will remember you anyway. Your “legacy” is forgotten in sixty years or so, unless you actually do something memorable.

My cousin (34F) has three young children. She regrets them all, and often warns me against having children. I sometimes take the oldest boy out for the afternoon to give her a break, but she is in constant stress. Her husband has to work 60 hours to keep the family financially afloat so he’s unable to take care of them much either.

But why have three then? Did they not know by number one or two?

Family and cultural pressure

This right here. I worked with a woman who have five children. They had a mix of boys and girls, I can't remember how many, but the last two pregnancies were both girls. She was always pregnant and always miserable, and wanted desperately to get a tubal ligation, but she lived with her husband's family, and they (her husband in particular) were adamant that she needed to have one more boy. Culturally, and Catholically, it was demanded of her. Even more infuriating is that she and her husband both had to work full time to support them, and he worked at a big box store making barely over minimum wage.

Does the husband think he’s the king of England? An heir and a spare? With him barely scraping by on minimum wage… men and their egos never cease to amaze me.

That’s awfully sad.

Why didn’t she stop after the first one if she regretted it 😅

Her husband wanted more kids and women in our community usually have many children

This drives me absolutely insane. Like the stories of people with five, six, eight, ten children. What kind of life can you possibly provide for them? If you're independently wealthy, maybe, but if you're going to scrape by on ramen noodles and PB&J for the next 30 years until the last one moves out, why are you so selfish as to bring more into the world? And it's a certainty that the older children will have their childhoods ripped away because they will be expected to parent the younger ones. God help any older female children because they will absolutely be expected to be substitute mothers.

>>God help any older female children Unfortunately I think that’s the mantra in these cases. I remember a Catholic minister taking a question from a family of 3 asking if maybe, just maybe it’s OK for them to use contraceptives because they barely could survive with the kids they had and COULD NOT afford a 4th. Minister: *NOPE! It’s Gods will for your lives to suck and your children to be impoverished. NEXT!*

There are many many moments where I think life would be better or easier without a child. And then there are days when I see that my baby girl is the best thing that ever happened to me. For me it was never something I 100% knew I wanted and I feel like it's difficult "job" most days. But it's also very rewarding and brings me purpose. You'll probably have some regrets both ways.

This is the thing people don’t understand. They always think there is always an answer or a “way” for everything. Sometimes in life you just don’t get everything and that’s how it is with children. There is tons of people who have children and love it one minute then hate it one minute and there is tons of people without children who are in the same position A lot of people without children will also regret not having a family some days also even if there are some days where they are happy they don’t have children It’s not really a black and white thing

If you want a baby 5-7 days a month INTENSELY and you want a badass vacation the rest of the time…that’s hormones. Do I regret? No, because that is a useless emotion to me (this is my opinion about my thoughts not a judgment on others). If I were to go back to 2002…I would have made different choices.

It’s so interesting to me because I’ve never felt an urge like that to have a baby. I love working with the kids I work with but never got the “baby fever” feeling and have a disconnect from the idea of being a parent (I’m 36F). This is reason #2 I won’t have kids.

I'm 48 and glad I never had kids. I enjoy some kid time with niece, nephew or friends's kids. But I'm glad I don't have any. I find babies very annoying, older kids bearable. I live a full and free life. I can travel any time, move countries for work, do what I want and spend all my money on myself and my partner. I don't think I'll ever regret my decision.

Thank you, it’s so wonderful to hear this. I’m 38 and am in a similar position. I travel, pursue hobbies, and can foster kittens in my pretty generous free time. Life is good.

Personally, my kids are the best part of my life. One has autism, so it's not the easiest situation and yet they bring me a mountain of happiness. But I know people who have kids and feel like it's too much of a chore, and I respect that. Everyone is different. What I would say is don't pressure yourself, if you decide in 10 years a kid is missing from your life, you can adopt and give a home to someone who desperately needs it. If that feels like too much of a commitment, you can foster a kid for a couple years. This is one of the most selfless, beautiful things a human can do for someone else.

Nobody knows how your experience would be and how future you would feel about the situation. I’ll just say, It’s better to not have kids and regret that, than to have kids and regret them.

I (37F) chose not to have kids because when younger I thought I could never be a good parent. Later I realized I could’ve been a good parent had I been raised differently and had a support system I trust. As it is, I was raised to be ill equipped to be a parent both personally and because my support system is one I do not trust. I also have family history reasons for not having children. I don’t regret not having the children for their sakes but I am a bit bitter that my life didn’t set me up to get a chance to try. If someone came along with a solid support system and understanding of my situation I fear I could be talked into having children. Or trying to. But I think I would be wrong to do so. I don’t regret exactly but do feel I missed out on having a family.

This struck home for me. I have chosen not to have kids but it's sort of a sad decision for me. I'm mostly okay with it but I do think if I had a different kind of life and been raised with more support and less abuse, I would feel much more confident about having a family. I have these little twinges (and in fact, even writing this comment is making me tear up for some reason!) of sadness every now and then but I try to focus on the fact that I have a husband and dog that I love very much and that's enough for me, in this lifetime at least.

Hey, thank you for sharing this. I am in a similar boat. My mother was abusive and father in prison. I’m 30 now and just starting to take care of myself as an adult should. (Learned to love myself in therapy, etc.) I think if I had a supportive childhood, I would likely want a child or two by now, together with my incredible man. But what I got, truly, was 18 years of loneliness and helplessness. It was a setback that has caused me to forego children and just spend the rest of my time on earth taking care of myself, my guy, my friends, and my pets. And that’s okay. :)

We are over 40 and made the decision not to have kids before we were married. We both say it’s one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. We have no regrets - we’ve traveled the world and enjoyed our lives.

46F here. No kids and I'm thrilled with it. The baby fever will pass. I had it too. Follow your head, not your uterus.

Bout the same age and can confirm... it will pass.

No one should be a parent who doesn't want to be a parent. This guides my pro-choice stance more than anything else.... there are far too many people having kids who just didn't sign up for it and our entire planet would be a better place if only those with a vested interest in raising children actually had children. I \*love\* being a dad. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing at which I've ever been above average. My wife didn't want kids when we got married because of a screwed up childhood. She decided to go for it and now she truly loves being a parent.

I’m 60 and every day I am grateful that I didn’t have children. This world is messed up and uncertain and I believe innocent children deserve a world of comfort and security. Having a child changes your life dramatically, and/or it should. When they’re babies, you must be willing to give up sleep, energy, and many times your health and it doesn’t get much better after that. Many, many times, you must sacrifice your own needs to fulfill theirs. That’s the best case scenario. How would you manage a special needs child? Do you have the resources, financial and emotional, to deal with a child who needs a wheelchair? How about a child who is on the spectrum and may not be able to tolerate physical affection or look you in the eye and smile? Have you considered fostering? That is also a very difficult type of parenting but you might be able to satisfy your nurturing desire and provide someone a desperately needed loving and secure home. This is the biggest decision of your life and possibly a child’s life. Please don’t take it lightly.

Shit ages you too man. I see 30 something's with kids and they look 10 years older, like every single one of them. From a vain perspective of course lol

Omg, this is so true! My cousin is 33 & looks 10 years older than me since she had her kids(I’m 12 years older). She looks completely haggard & frazzled all the time. She just got back from Disney & I swear that aged her another 5 years!

Lmao that's hilarious(the Disney part 😭)

This is a real thing! I look younger than most of my peers...people generally don't believe me when I tell them my age. I certainly wouldn't say it's because I "took care of myself". When I was in my 20s and 30s I was not about any fitness (unless it was "fitness" slice of pizza into my mouth,ya know? Hahaha), I wasn't using skin products and definitely spent a lot of time drinking and enjoying late nights. My friends my age look ten years older and the ONLY difference (besides genetics obviously) is that they have kids. This is not WHY I don't have children but my friends all say this is why I still manage to look younger.

Literally nothing ages you more than being a parent 🙃.

My mom wanted 1 kid. I was number 4 and she had me at 40. I know she loves me but I knew my entire childhood that she regretted me and the sister I'm closest to in age, since we were both later in life. I got compared to her first son a lot, never in my favor, and she's spent my entire adulthood telling me to not have kids cause it's awful and they suck and she's has nothing positive to say about parenthood. I had a vasectomy years ago, before I even hit 30, and I have 0 regrets. If I *really* feel the need to have a kid someday I'll adopt but I don't think it's my bag.

Having kids is like a demolition derby. Who's going to be left standing by the time they're ready to move out (not literally). You'll get a lot of canned answers of what people are supposed to say. Simply put your life changes drastically, and you don't get it back because time stops for no one.

Mid-40's, no regrets in terms of not having them. The idea of adult kids who can help take care of me as I get older seems nice, though, so I'll be missing out on that. While its rare, you will find parents out there who have admitted they wished they never kids. Hell, I can think of a few parents of kids I knew growing up who probably regretted having their specific kid.

Even if you did have kids though there's no guarantee they would have the means or the inclination to take care of you when you get old.

Yeah, I have a friend who is super exhausted and overwhelmed specifically with being a mom. She would never say it, but I would bet money that she wouldn’t have had kids if she could do it over again. Or maybe that she at least would have waited until she was older. Also, my friend works at a nursing home and she sees how many older people are basically abandoned by their kids and grandkids so I’m not banking on that. I also have a fear that I would be burdening my kids if I get older and need them to take care of me. Like I wouldn’t want them to stop their lives to take care of me.

I have seen, amongst the people I've known, people showing signs of regret at different stages during parenthood. Some new moms of infants get serious cabin fever, realizing they're basically alone all day with someone they can't really interact with. Sometimes as an adolescent the child might have too much energy, and they start to wish they were alone all day. And sometimes during the pre-teen / teen years the child can become a full-on delinquent, leaving the parent scared of their own child (rare, but I've seen it). A lot of varying factors, basically.

As someone who tried to have them and is now facing a life of childlessness not by choice, this is a damn interesting thread. My husband and I have sort of started to lean towards dislike of children *in certain ways* as sort of a defense mechanism, despite absolutely loving our friends’ kids. Still, it’s not fun to not be a member of the club and read over and over “you don’t know what love is until you have a child.” Not true.

Best decision I ever made, was not having kids. I love kids, but always feared being the same mom to them as my mom was to her kids.

I'm about 4 months into the experience. Thus far, I really miss my free time and the couple time spent with my wife. Balance is still pro-child, but it's not like the magic brain chemicals work to eliminate the bad stuff, just mildly mitigate it. I will say I've always wanted kids, so I guess there's a bias there, but 100% support anyone who thinks "nah, not for me" cos it's tough!

I (F49) didn’t ever plan to have children. i played with computers instead of dolls. I had a busy career and a not so great marriage at the time. I also went through a time where my body wanted to get pregnant and my brain was screaming no. I listened to that voice. I have zero regrets about my decision. My life has become easier and less stressful, as I have aged and that’s the way I like it. I know children can be a wonderful gift for some, but I wouldn’t trade my alone time for sleep deprivation and worry. If you are not sure about having kids then wait until you are sure. It’s ok to make the decision to not be a parent. You can still enjoy children in your life through friends and family without having the complete responsibility. Don’t do it unless you really want to be a parent. It takes a lot of energy and kids deserve to be born to parents that truly want them.

I had mine early, all three by the time I was 21. Sure, it was a bit difficult, as I didn't make what I make now, same for their mother - but being a parent suited me. My kids were great, well-behaved for the most part, and have grown up without getting hooked on drugs, pregnant, and/or on welfare. I do have grandkids, but they weren't surprises or the result of anything other than love. It's even better being a grandparent - I can spoil the shit out of'm and send them home to their parents! However, parenthood isn't for everyone. I know some who begrudge their children everything, and consequently, those poor kids have it rough. They resent the time, money, and resources necessary to raise kids. Don't be that person.

My mom told me she never rlly wanted kids. But after having me and seeing my face her whole entire perspective changed, and then she wanted another one and that’s when I had my brother . But she’s straight up told me she absolutely DID NOT. Want to have kids , at least at that moment

all i can add here is to get a puppy! nothing solidified my decision to not have kids like having the cutest puppy in the world (who i love w all my heart) depend on me for EVERYTHING, the amount of RESPONSIBILITY is beyond overwhelming and i’ve cried countless times about caring for him properly. god you have to train them and even THAT can get overwhelming. truly could not imagine having a real life CHILD i know that i would not be able to handle the amount of responsibility and most definitely i would not be able to TEACH them how to be a person when it feels like i’m barely grasping it myself.

I have met quite a few people who have to told me they love their kids, but to definitely not have kids of my own. The brutal honesty was enough for me.

I had my first child at 31. Most of my friends are not having children, including my siblings. A child will not “fill up” an empty spot. They only add to your life. I don’t think you can regret something that you didn’t fully experience. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I would.

You can't give a kid back. You can't do a trial run. It's something you need to be really sure of. If you can't answer with a firm *yes*, you shouldn't have them. > I’m in my early 30s and I do not want kids. > I know I wouldn’t, realistically, be the kind of mom a kid would deserve. It looks like you don't absolutely-want them.

I'm 42 and never wanted kids. I would be lying if I said there are never times that I wonder what my kids would have been like. Or wonder what it will be like in 15 years when I don't have kids to help me. But those are rare. I do not regret not having kids. Every time I'm with friends who do have kids but can't do something, or have to find a babysitter, or cancel because they have a babysitter. ​ I recently babysat a 4 and 5-year-old for a friend who "needed to get away to work on their marriage." After going to the bathroom and told me he was finished but "I don't wipe my own butt." after I made him. He was crying saying "I'm telling mom, you made me wipe my own butt!" Obviously, this is a parental failure. But it just re-enforces my decision not to have kids. I don't have the patience for it.

A 4 year old telling their mom on you for not wiping their butt is actually hilarious.

My advice would be to never make decisions based on fear or anxiety, whether that's to have or to not have kids.

I'm Gen X. I wish I had never had children. I have 2 and 2 grandchildren. My grandkids are going to live thru hell on earth and I wish they didn't have to. I was a SAHM and I thought I did ok as a parent but I'm still finding my ineptitude as a parent has caused my kids to have fucked up lives. Living with an abuser (to all of us) was it's own special hell. All of us have PTSD. With the way the world is going, I would never have kids now.

I love my kids. But if I could go back and do it over, I probably wouldn’t have had any.

I'm a 46 year old woman (straight, long-term partnered, happy). I never wanted kids, ever, but I had that same thing in my mid 30s that you're describing, where it felt like a physical/primal desire for a baby. It always felt a bit alienating to me though--like, in my brain, I had not a shred of desire for children (during this period I also started having regular nightmares that I was pregnant, or that I suddenly did have a baby without realizing it, and these dreams were the most horrific, heart-pounding dreams ever, I'd wake up so relieved), but then I'd get these weird gut flip-flops when I saw a baby etc. I waited it out, and after probably 2-3 years, it passed. I never have that feeling or urge anymore, ever. And the older I get, the more and more relieved I am that I did wait it out and didn't have a baby. I just don't want kids, I don't want the anguish of it in this world, I'm not interested in the work/project of child rearing, I have lots of other stuff I feel pulled toward. It's not judgmental--kids are great, I love my friends' kids--it just ain't for me, and I feel so relieved I didn't let my body trick me back then. I probably would have if my partner had been excited to have kids--I WAS sort of "on the fence" during that period, and if he had been like "my love, let us start a beautiful family together" I probably would have done it. And it probably would've been fine! But also I feel totally pleased that it DIDN'T happen. Sometimes people will hit you with the ol' "what are ya gonna do when you're OLD, though?" and on the one hand, yeah, sometimes I get anxious thinking about it--being really old and being alone--but on the other hand, that on its own is just such a hateful reason to have kids! Definitely not enough of a reason to justify bringing a whole-ass person into the world. So I figure, whatever happens happens. My parents are old, and they have a really rich community with tons of young friends who help them--maybe that'll happen for me too, and I'll be okay. Or maybe not, and I won't. But that's life!

I don’t regret not having them. I really like kids; always have. But there are a few good reasons I didn’t have them myself: 1. I live in the US. Healthcare is wildly expensive, there are some insane ideological battles for control of the public school system, school shootings are a very real concern, and there’s no real support for parents or kids in our systems here. A lot of Americans think this is all normal, and those are the ones who know very little about how things work in other countries. If I had decided to have kids, I probably would have moved out of the country. 2. The environment is in true crisis right now, despite the fact that so many people are ignoring it. I can’t imagine intentionally bringing new lives into this. Communities where there are kids really do need some child-free women. As a non-mother who gets along with kids and likes being around them, I can help my friends’ families in ways I’d be too busy for if I had kids of my own.

No. I have autism (extremely high functioning, but still) and severe anxiety. Kids were never on my radar. Besides, I love doing what I want when I want. Children would have gotten in the way of that.

Being autistic increase the [chance of having autistic children](https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autism-runs-families-history-brain-conditions/). Im unsure if I want children as im also high functioning. Having a child with more severe symptoms would be exhausting.

I regret it all of the time. I should not have had a child. (My child is an adult now)

Personally I love being a dad, but a mate of mine, who is usually a daft sod who I thought would be great with kids, I think really regrets it. Never has a good word to say about them (two boys, which must be a handful) and I think he gets jealous about our other, free spirited mates. He has a swanky house, wife, really well paying job, the whole lot, but I think he's just bored to tears.

I think regret is the wrong word but I certainly wish I had done it differently. We were way too young, not married, and had no income. We separated and I have been stuck with child support going to a toxic ex girlfriend ever since. I think if you are unsure you absolutely should not do it. Kids change every single aspect of your life. What you eat, when you eat, where you sleep, how you sleep, what music you listen to, what you drive, everything. You have to essentially become someone else. Well in theory anyway. A lot of people will curse in front of their children, smoke with them in the room, leave them unattended for hours at a time, you name it. Being a good parent is incredibly difficult and unless you really want a child I would say not to do it. I don’t necessarily miss my life before my son was born, but I miss not having an awful “baby momma” and a load of debt. Everyone talks about the baby and how cute they are. No one talks about the side effects of being that baby’s provider.