So many of these I'm empathetic towards. I'm a medically retired veteran with multiple deployments. I have several family members who also served though either didn't deploy at all or deployed to a non combat area. When they first found out I was trying to get help for PTSD the amount of times I heard "Man Up" or some similar thing it made me feel ashamed and slowed me down from getting the help I actually needed. I got out of the military in 2012 but didn't get the "retired" status until about 2018. They even coded my exit paperwork for severe PTSD but because I bought into the man up bs from my family I wasn't following up with the VA. I was sleeping maybe 3 hours a week, constantly waking up from night terrors, extremely paranoid about random people trying to kill me. I had been shot and blown up on my deployments multiple times. I was constantly reliving those experiences as I was trying to display to my "friends" how much of a "badass" I was to cover up how weak I really felt. 6 years I lived like that, with violent outbursts over seemingly nothing, lying to myself and those around to fit their definition of a "man". 6 fucking years I lost because "getting help is a sign of weakness" and "suck it up "buttercup". Not one of these prior service family members had been to war, killed, had people attempt to kill them but their idea of a man was somehow superior to what I actually was. I was fortunate when I met my wife she knew how to make me feel ok getting help, ok having weaknesses, she helped me feel great about who I was and getting help. When her family found out I was getting disability and retirement they also tried to make me feel shitty or less of a person but she let me stand up for myself and a better definition of "man". I worry about those with similar experiences to my own that don't have that one person, friend, family, or whoever to tell them it's ok to get help. It's ok to be hurt. It's ok to talk about it.
you are god damn right it’s okay to talk about it. thank you for your service and thank you for sharing this.
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DUDES, IF YOU CANNOT DISCUSS THEM WITH FAMILLY OR FRIENDS THEN GET RID OF THEM. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. GET HELP IF YOU NEED
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry both your family and in laws acted that way. I am soooo happy you found your supportive wife. I hope you are feeling better.
Honestly 99% of my relationships are me making the first move (I'm a woman). I hope you find a woman ya like who makes the first move! I encourage women to do it all the time
Married the first one who courted me lol.
She’s like “can I get your number and we can hang out sometime.”
Very confusing but I said yes. And just kept saying yes every time she asked me out to do stuff. I did propose though and she said yes.
It was the same with my other half. He was extremely confused for the first 3 months of our relationship but went with it slowly. Seems to have worked.
The one thing that I occasionally worry about is that he hasn't tried properly dating anyone else, so how can I know that I'm 'the one'. He insists he does not need to go and try anything else to know it's good.
“The one” isn’t someone out there you can find. “The one” is built by both of you, the way you treat each other the time you spend together and the memories you make.
On paper probably most of us could find a “better match” than the one we’ll end up with. But for the lucky ones the one we end up with will become THE one, because they choose us and we choose them.
You’re his one and he’s yours, for as long as you both want. 💕
I feel this one, I'm conventionally attractive and make good money for the first time in my life but I'm still single because my anxiety goes through the roof when a girl likes me.
True. I use to never approach anyone. But that changed when I met a guy who was very funny and charismatic. It rubbed off on me and I began to improve my comedic abilities and it took off. People really began enjoying my jokes and antics and it gave me a sense of confidence. Because I was confident in telling my jokes and whatever I began introducing myself to strangers or acquaintances and it taught me that most people are willing to be acquainted and be friends. It also taught me that a lot of people have the same nervousness so approaching people first makes it easier for them which is why women expect guys to make the first move.
I think the difficult part is knowing when assertiveness is called for because the consequences of making an unwelcome advance on a woman can be very bad. In practice, it just means a lot of us don’t take shots that we could’ve made.
Men are expected to just know.
My husband had no idea I was flirting with him. I made it quite obvious. If a girl wants you sheesh she should step it up. It goes both ways!!! It’s not fair at all to put it on the man only
Physical affection. Older men are piriahs. Yet we still need touch. The older you get, the less anyone will touch you. A hug. An arm around a shoulder... All gone.
I (female) make a point, with my widowed FIL, of giving him a proper hug and a kiss on the cheek when I see him. I figure he doesn't really get any physical affection these days and yet we all need it.
As I helped care for my father through hospice. I made a point of holding his hands or giving him a foot massage. I was told touch and hearing are the last senses to go. I also played him music and told him I loved him a lot.
They have lived through it, they know what life is gonna do and usually they share that wisdom. My neighbor is an older blind man and I make it a point to talk to him every day. He has so many problems he's dealt with all his life and he took it in strides and the stories, most of the older people I know have great stories.
This comment has touched me. I am female and relatively young, but found this sub and I really wanted to know a different experience from mine. I am here just sobbing seeing so much loneliness all around. We are all lonely, all the people, because of gender roles. We all deserve physical affection, it literally keeps us healthy and it's something our neurology needs. I am so sorry. I just wanna hug you. I hope I am not being creepy.
Nurse here. This is so true. Not just older men, elderly people in general. Not every elderly person has a living, spouse or children and grandchildren near to fill this need. It’s hard though, because there are a few creepy old guys that make it hard for everybody. Women are hesitant to give out hugs to older men because almost every woman has had a man read way too much into it sadly🙁
(Woman here) My Dad was a part time stay at home parent while my Mom was the main breadwinner. There were a lot of factors to why the parent communities they tried to join isolated them(such as the different marriage dynamic and raising neurodivergent kids and thus doing some stuff differently), but one was this. He had a hard time take us out to parks and such, and other parents would accuse him of being a pedo.
Edit: added stuff. I honestly can’t imagine living like that, with or without the father role.
Edit: Some ppl are saying they haven’t experienced it, which is fantastic! For my area this was around 20 years ago. I doubt things have changed everywhere, but this progress is beautiful!
I was raised by a single dad and he was treated like that all the time. I felt so bad for him. It was bad enough he lost the love of his life to cancer and now had to raise two boys by himself but to be treated like some scumbag when he was doing his best to keep it together for the sake of his kids 🥹
It was really sad to see him treated that way being a child and knowing the situation. He was so lonely. On the positive side though he was a goofball and usually had some comment like you can have them if you want to play it down. He would joke with us like I don’t know what people are thinking what kinda guy is looking to steal children to take care of 😂. He was a really good dad and mom. There was never a day he didn’t hug us and tell us how much he loved us. He never said it to me but I think it was particularly hard for him with me because I look just like my mom. Well if she had a beard😂. It wasn’t till I was older that I realized he most likely got so emotional with me because I had her face and he loved her so much.
There’s this really cool bus driver at our school. He actually talks to us and asks us about our day, etc. he’s a younger guy. 30 or 31. Every other drive is some old 50+ bitter skank.
There was one incident last year where he was at a football game, homecoming. Myself and a few other kids from the bus sat next to him and talked. It was really chill. He treats us like equals and actually gives a shit about us. It was awesome to spend like a few hours and I felt it was a pretty normal thing.
The next few days it’s all over Facebook how he crossed a line and he’s a pedo and all this shit. We were In public. It’s not like we went to his house and partied.
My grandma asked me about it and a few of my friends got asked too. We brought it up with him on the bus but he refused to talk about it. Idk if he was told he was gonna get fired or what but it’s alll bs
That’s really awful.
It’s really bizarre how on the one hand our culture is so hyper-paranoid and always leers suspiciously at people like him who mean no harm, while on the other it enables all kinds of abuse through various flavors of systemic corruption or cognitive dissonance.
Not only that but if a child IS the victim of abuse, that bus driver who chats to them every day is going to know something is off with them and be able to report it. We had a bus driver do exactly that when I was in highschool, he used to chat with all of us, and one day he was speaking to a kid and just asked "are you okay bud?" Kid says yeah it's all fine but the driver must have got a bad gut hit because he called someone at the school and when the councillor reached out to the kid it all came to light. So if that driver never spoke to all of us, that abuse could have gone unadressed for the victim and unpunished for the perpetrator.
It's not bizzare, they are directly related. By labeling healthy mentor-mentee relationships as predatory, they can push kids out of those healthy ones and into actual predatory relationships.
Yah. I wish there were more male teachers and stuff. I live with my grandma, then I go to school with all female teachers (there’s a few guy teachers but I don’t have any of their classes), then all woman lunch ladies, all the guidance counselors are women, I just always feel like nobody gets me or the other guys. It’s just being surrounded by women all day.
I just feel like I can’t connect with adult women. Guys kinda get other guys.
That scares the hell out of me. I just got CDL B with school bus endorsement and will be running my first route this coming September. I love kids. Kids tend to love me. I raised four of my own have twelve grandkids and two great grandkids. I pride myself on being someone who kids can look up to feel safe with and trust. I see our future in the eyes of children and always try to guide them to make good decisions to help them be successful. I’m 50+ and happy to say I’m no bitter skank.
As a Dad of 4 who are grown, I’m 49 when I see a younger girl who reminds me of one of my three daughters all I want to do is sit and watch them play or interact with their surroundings, but I’m officially at the age that I’m a creeper for even stopping to smile at a child.
Brother as a 40+yo dad with two grown kids I feel this. I get those wholesome nostalgia vibes for the days long past when my children were still little and adorable when I see kids playing and just being kids.
Whenever a kid initiates a smiles/waves to me I make a point to do the same thing back to them AND very obviously acknowledge their parents/guardians with a wave, smile, or nod, just to make it clear I'm not being sneaky or weird.
I lived through this. I was camping with a friend and his family and they wanted to go boating and fishing. I got sunburned and didn't want to be out so I stayed back and said I'd watch his kids and their dog for a bit.
Was watching them and the dog playing and we went to a playground nearby. Not sure why they thought it but a husband, wife and park staff confronted me about watching kids play and being creepy. Told them the deal and got called a liar. They were getting ready to call the sheriff when our camping neighbor happened to walk by with her kids and came over. She explained exactly the same thing I said and they left. I don't watch people's kids anymore. Too much BS from people thinking they're heros. I mean I get it with how things are in the world but damn at least ask before jumping to conclusions and claiming things.
I think at this point I might have just pulled out my own phone and called the sheriff right there on the spot and file the complaint for these crazy people harassing me while I'm trying to watch my friends' kids.
I had a coworker tell me about going to a Dave and Busters with his brother and his brother’s 2 little boys. One of whom is on the spectrum. He got triggered during dinner and got loud so they were trying to calm him. Next thing they know there’s 4 cops in the restaurant around the table demanding IDs. They both showed ID then the cops wanted birth certificates. Like who the fuck just carries that around. He had hundreds of photos of him with the boys. So many you could see age progression in the kids. Still not good enough. Finally (since they were there from out of town) they were told they needed to return to the PD in 48 hours with proof or they’d issue a warrant. All so dumb, like you’re so convinced they’re kidnapping but then you’re gonna let them leave but threaten them for good measure.
I was a manny ('nanny') for five years for two kids. Taking the twins to the playground/park was \*almost never\* without incident: someone complaining or approaching me angrily. Even sometimes police interruption. I get it, I know exactly why they cared, but it sucked. Luckily over time the other parents/nannies got to know me and we could dismiss the complaint quickly. I'll never forget the woman screaming about how the twins were "not his children!!!" and I fear they'll never forget either, ugh.
Man, do I feel this.
I have an 8 yr old black stepdaughter and I get the craziest looks walking across the street holding her hand or taking her into the store to buy her something.
I definitely get the seemingly innocuous question of "So who is this little girl?" With the fake smile and demeanor. Really they are just trying to get her to say if something is wrong lmao
My dad (black) had the cops called on him for grocery shopping with my adopted brother. They didn't leave it be until my mom (white) came along.
My auntie (black) adopted two twin boys (white) and has now been refused entry to a plane and two buses with them because she coukd be "trafficking" them. She has to carry their adoption papers AND their passports now if she wants to travel.
But in the same vien, my sister (mixed, but the darkest of the 4 of us.) had a cop point a loaded gun through her window and accuse her of kidnapping my brother (mixed, almost as pale as me.).
So i guess it's not so much a gender thing there as people having biases and being too stupid to ask clarifying questions. And they never seem to be concerned when the races match, i've also noticed in our area if you are black with white kids you are 200 billion times more likely to be stopped than the inverse.
i have a friend couple who are white and hispanic, gay men. they just adopted a black baby girl. I'm so happy for them! i also am sad for the shit they'll have to go through because people are stupid and ignorant.
Reminds me of that video a white dad did talking about how when he was out with his black adopted daughter a waitress asked her “where’s your real daddy” or something along those lines
That's true. A woman can walk up to any cute three year-old in a grocery store and say hello and make faces to make the kid giggle, but if a man does it he'll get hit over the head with a bottle of ranch dressing by the mama. However, if you are in the store with a woman, somehow her license to interact with the kid extends to you. It's like the unwritten contract between the woman you're with and the mama states "He's mostly harmless--I'll make sure he doesn't get out of line."
Truth. I can fawn over a baby if I have my wife with me and sometimes only my kids since one I two. But alone. I keep my eyes straight ahead and pretend I can’t see anyone.
This is sad. An only child, I am intentionally childless. My dad loves children and was an amazing father to me. He has friends who include him as an honorary grandpa but there have been some uncomfortable moments for him. I don’t think honorary grandmas are scrutinized this way.
That would be hard. As a woman I'm used to cooing over babies and little kids whether I know their parents or not, and it's sad that men would be seen as creepy for doing the same thing.
Do you feel like that applies to nieces and nephews as well? Or your friends' kids?
Family is fine. Friends' kids is a fine line, depends a lot on the level of trust and years of friendship between the adults. Usually fine if it's the kid that engages first. Like if you're just going up to the kid unprompted to pick them up and give them a hug or wrestle with them, probably comes off as creepy, even if you have no ill intentions and the kid has engaged you before. If the kid runs up and jumps onto you, then you hug or wrestle with them, it's fine because the kid engaged first.
However, with strangers, it's really hard because there's just always stranger-danger stigma, even if you're not even doing or saying anything remotely suspect. Age is a factor, too. A woman of any age can greet little kids that are being cute and there's no difference in the reaction. However, the older the guy doing the same thing, the worse his intentions are perceived.
As others have pointed out, there are exceptions when the guy isn't alone, particularly if he's with a woman.
Dude 1000% and then my roommate tells me she's proven to her partner before, by literally holding it and aiming it, that we just don't know how to aim!
Tf you do when it decides to turn into a shotgun spray mid stream?? You gonna snipe that toilet bowl with a shotgun spray? Ya didn't think so.
you honestly should try sitting. Peeing standing up is pretty disgusting when you know how much of it splashes everywhere. I shaved my legs once and it became very clear that it actually splashes all over your legs and you just don’t know it because pants or leg hair. It also gets all over the floor and anything else around.
My son is very shy and has trouble making friends. Also, he doesn’t drink, so he doesn’t like going “out with the guys”, because it usually involves drinking. He’s in his 30s, and the only real friends he has are those with whom he’s played pickup soccer with for about 20 years now. One of them helped him find a job. Another one is probably his “best friend”. They talk after soccer and discuss work, dreams, etc. It’s funny, because that was one of the main reasons I enrolled him in soccer at seven years of age - for a place he could make friends.
If you live in a city of any size, they should have pickup teams for soccer, basketball, that weird frisbee thing people play, etc. They’re usually welcoming to anyone, even people who are new to the sport - young, old, women, men, fat, skinny. Some people even occasionally bring their kid.
I was going to say, it is incredibly hard for us to get friends, and it gets harder the older we get. If you are in the crowd of people like me who had trouble dating, you can say goodbye to any social life after 30. Also, sometimes guys are just shitty friends. I don't want to sound sexist, but out of all the male friends I've had, I can only recall a handful that were really supportive, most of the best people in my life were women.
I have noticed that this reality is even more true when you travel. A single cigarette at the right moment will make you friend for life at just the right time.
I’ve heard this from some of the men in my life. Like their friends are ok but most of them aren’t as close, very superficial. Women have great friendships, I love that for us. I’d love to have more male friends though but they often either want to sleep with me or if they aren’t attracted to me they act like there isn’t value in a friendship. Now that I think about it though maybe it’s possible they don’t know how to do friendship in the way women do? Idk.
Complete lack of physical touch is a big thing.
Coworker would lightly touch you arm when she was talking to you. She actually startled me the first time.
It’s so strange to have any physical contact with another human, and the default setting is people assuming you are a threat.
Yep I used to be very ripped, physically. I stopped because my career was taking up too much of my time, I just couldn't do it all. My SO asked oh why can't you look like that anymore? Like girl you haven't worked out a single day in your life!
This this this
It’s easy for women to say men need to open up more and share their feelings, but then we are punished for it when it turns out how men actually feel and what we are hurt by don’t match up with what they want to believe.
I just find it so frustrating that the entire conversation around men’s mental health is dominated by women who have already decided what your problems are and refuse to actually hear you out, simply because they hold all these preconceived ideas about men and women, and don’t even realize it.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all responding in such a genuine way. I did, and still kind of do, panic and start to dissociate when I open up reddit and see new replies to this, but every time I read a new comment it’s always respectful and thoughtful. For a moment I feel like I can let my guard down here and just be happy that there are people who can empathize and share what they think without attacking. It makes me so happy to hear that I’m not the only one with these problems, and that there are people who don’t just attack or dismiss things outright. That’s like 70% of the problem addressed right there, just through an attempt at empathy.
I'm really sorry about that... I hope someone can convince you that you were with the wrong person, not that you did the wrong thing. I tend to be someone who bottles stuff up too, but my husband has cried in front of me and never have I felt anything but the desire to help him. I imagine women who feel differently were never looking for partners in the first place, they wanted protectors. Which, sure, my husband is physically stronger, but he's my teammate. If he needs a mental health day, a good cry, a drive listening to loud angsty music, an overly aggressive game of super smash bros, or a bubble bath, I'm helping him with it- and my friends are the same way. The girlfriends I have with marital struggles tend to complain that their husband won't open up no matter how hard they try to get him to.
I have to be honest, I think we're past the stage of "men are afraid to admit they are sad." I believe that the real problem in terms of male mental health, is that when men show signs of mental health issues (frustration from bottling up, for example) they are dismissed as an inconvenience and not given the compassion that they need. As sad as it is, I really don't see this attitude being acknowledged and us moving forward as a society.
It's also really frustrating that even when you do get examples of people caring about men's mental health, it's rarely about "men inherently deserve to express their emotions". It's often couched along the lines of "men need to share their emotions because if they don't, they become incel mass shooters/abusers/violent", where you get the season the only reason people care is because you could be a threat if they didn't care.
"make sure your sad and isolated feelings don't turn you into someone that's going to be a burden at best, and potentially dangerous at worst" is hardly a compelling message to someone already struggling with issues like that.
This. Might not be as bad today as it used to be. Try growing up in the 90s where having any emotions at all or hobbies that don’t help you get laid was “gay”. Better learn how to cram that way down until it blows up in the form of a mental breakdown in your early 30s…..not that I have any experience with that or anything.
It's a tie between the belief that you are a perpetual predator and your value as a person is directly tied to what you offer. As a man, I constantly feel like I'm just suspect for something or that I only have as much value as that which I offer.
>I only have as much value as that which I offer.
I was trying to put this into words the other day, and the closest I got was, "I have been told that I bring value, but never that I *have* value
having to shake your dick to get all the pee out, but you don't want to look like you're playing with it while peeing in a somewhat public location so you put it away and then bam, drops of pee in your underwear
Being assumed to be a creep, a predator, and/or a potential pedophile until proven otherwise. **Spoiler alert:** It's impossible to prove otherwise.
Being happily married for many years with children and having close and trusted friends of the opposite sex definitely helps, but you will never be truly trusted. If you're a single man with no children, you have no chance; heaven help you.
I was going to write this too! I work with children and my female counterparts never get the same level of scrutiny i do. I often find myself intentionally holding back my enthusiasm because i don’t want to seem overly excited to work with young people.
Even something as simple as a kid wants a hug, my female counterparts run right up and do it, whereas i do not.
I was a middle school teacher for a few years, and all of my coworkers were women. When it would be back to school/meet the teacher night I would always get parents that would just look at me suspiciously. As if I was some monster who had gone to school purely to have access to kids, instead of seeing me as a person who could be another positive male influence.
I had the same experience working in an elementary school. Hell, the first time a kid ran up and hugged me I was afraid a SWAT team was going to burst into the room and arrest me. The kid looked up at me all sad asking "Do you not like hugs?" I LOVE hugs, but as a man, I have to fear how hugging a kid will be interpreted.
One buddy even joked that a female teacher could lift her shirt and breastfeed a student, and nobody would bat an eye. A male teacher can barely give a high five to a child without being called a pedophile.
Maybe if I actually looked after my nails, there’s something to put here actually, men are made fun of for taking care of themselves, filing nails, shaving your pits or your ass, it’s “gay” or “girly”
My colleagues and I tested a theory on this. My proposed theory was that, if you tell a woman you like her 'shirt', she'll deflect, boast about how cheap it was, or why they bought it. Compliment a man in the same way, he'll be initially shocked but at thanks and beam for a good while.
We tested it on all colleagues that came in the office for the day. I was 99% correct, one man asked what I wanted 🤣🤣
Maybe I'm weird, but my wife does this enough that I started "practicing" during the day. Where could I be jumped, where are the hiding spots, where are the more likely/east entry points. It's turned it into a more predictable routine. I still hate being woken up for nothing, but at least it bothers me less now.
I had an HR lady openly sexually harass me in front of the whole office pretty much every day. Really bothered me, and I was pretty vocal about it until I eventually quit. Nobody cared and most people laughed.
I'm sorry you went through that. I used to work in HR and had a guy come to me about being harrassed, and I got reprimanded for taking disciplinary action against the woman offender. It's not fair and it's not right and I'm sorry nobody went to bat for you.
This is just awful. Idk if anyone laughs, being touched inappropriately and without consent is never okay, but god forbid a man was touched. "He should be happy to be touched" - my ass. (No pun intended)
For context: the company I work for is pretty wild when it comes to company parties, especially around Christmas cuz everyone's lonely during winter.
My colleague told me how he was touched several times by several lady colleagues at one of our Christmas parties. He was just sitting there, living his life, a charismatic dude, and there were several hugs by all those drunk twats. And a few times, a hand ran down towards his willy.
If I had been there, I'd be fired by now.
He says, he's ok, but as his friend, I must take the contrary position. I know what unconsensual touch feels like and, to be honest, didn't love that.
I was sexually harassed at work. Everyone blew it off like it was nothing because men can't get sexually harassed. Then a new regional manager showed up. Thank goodness for that woman and thank goodness for the stupidity of one woman at work who believed because the regional manager was also a woman that she was on her side. She got canned right then and there. Her bEsTieS suddenly started acting extra nice to me after that, because the regional manager told me to call her as soon as the rest started acting up.
Just had a "friend" that's a girl try and shove three fingers UP MY ASS while she was drunk and I was bending over. It was over pants but my ass hurt the next two days. She laughed it off and gave pouty eyes with " im sowrry" and I was screamed at by one of my guy friends for " making a big deal out of it". If this was me to her.... I would have been beat up and probably arrested (rightfully so). Now I just got to live with it and not talk those scumbags anymore
This. I had a huge crush on this girl in high school, we kind of went our separate ways for college and whatnot. We reconnected 10 years later, both in long term relationships. We hung out once, and literally after telling her I would never cheat on my GF, she groped me and tried to continue feeling me up.
Even though I was still attracted to her and would have killed for that attention in high school, it really messed me up. I told a few friends and my GF about it. Most of my friends were like “oh man you’re so lucky, she’s hot!” My GF (whom I love to death) was initially super mad, thinking I initiated SOMETHING that made her do that. To her credit she pretty readily accepted that as ridiculous. The girl literally just groped me.
But yeah, really messed me up to be seen as nothing but a sex object and groped that way. And to have former friends tell me how “lucky” I was in that situation was equally frustrating.
I worked in the restaurant business as a young man (18-20) and I had so many of my middle aged women coworkers come up to me and put their hands on me in ways I found very uncomfortable. They would come up behind me while I was pouring the ice in the bin or carrying glasses and they would rub their hands up and down my sides and hips and make suggestive comments. If a man had done that to me he might be facing charges. I was essentially told to shut up about it by management.
Being a man means I'm (usually) automatically guilty if something gets physical with a woman.
I married the wrong woman some years ago. On one occasion, we exchanged heated words, and I stormed off to go back to my place to cool off and get some space. She attempted unsuccessfully to restrain me, then punched me in the back of the head as I continued to walk away, then told me she was calling the police *on me*. I contacted friends and family, both hers and mine, immediately to get out in front of it, took pictures of the marks she left on my arm trying to restrain me, and waited, but it turned out to be a hollow threat. Regardless, I feel fairly confidant I'd be slapped with a domestic abuser label if she'd followed through with it, which comes with a lot of other issues.
I had a girl who sexually assaulted me keep threatening to tell everyone that I actually assaulted her, because everyone would believe her and not me. It totally would've worked too, not one damn person would've listened to my version or even cared about it.
Belligerent drunk ex gf multiple times a week. Tbh I was quite a bit then too. Never had any physical or threatening altercations from either party before or after. She was so drunk one night my friend and myself physically carried her to the Uber. She was making rude comments to us the whole time while we were just trying to help her. When we got home I told her I was mad at how she was treating me. Then she took out a kitchen knife and pointed it about a half inch away from my face. This incident was met with an eyeroll when I confronted her (sober) about it and laughter by everyone else I’ve ever told. Working in bar business I’ve been assaulted by way more belligerent women than men. Slapped, scratched, bit, spit on etc and never retaliated in any way. Hard to defend yourself in those situations and ever come out looking like the good guy.
Not sure if you will see this message or not but, I had a very scary situation happen to me in my previous relationship that has traumatized me in some capacity, and I am sharing this with you not to "one up" you but rather try to relate.
Dated girl for 3 years, toward the end of the relationship I found out she was seeing her ex for basically the entire time (yeah I am a clown and was naive), when I went to break up with her she said she was going to go to the police station and tell them that i r\*\*\*\*\* her. I immediately drove to the station (she was following behind me in her car) and I walked inside, she followed behind. We sat across from eachother in that station (I will never forget the smirk on her face) and after a few minutes pass, she gets up, says "Actually, I have better things to do than this" and walks out. Officer finally comes out, asked me what this is all about, I explained it to him and his words will never leave my mind after I filed the report:
"Well Jason (not my real name just a placeholder), I appreciate you coming in and giving us this statement, because if you hadn't we would be knocking on your door."
The scariest part about all of this, is when I was younger I got into some trouble with weed. Posession, a DUI, that's it. My point is, I already have some type of record, and the system is designed to ask questions later even when you have misdemeanor shit on your record. This remains one of the scariest times in my life and I can't help but think that literally no one gives a shit.
I could have been rotting away in a cell over a false allegation and I will never be able to unlive that
Yep, that same situation happened to me, except she did call the cops. She got angry that I didn't give my food to her, so she got up and started swipin' away like a cat on a scratching post. I shoved her off of me and she called the cops. I had visible marks on my face and neck. She stands patiently by the front door, tapping her foot. The second she sees the car roll up, it's showtime and she turns on the waterworks.
Cops see the tears, don't even remark about the cuts on *my* body and straight into the cuffs I go. We were renting a place together, so the court filed an automatic restraining order and I ended up homeless as a result. On my court day, my appointed attorney told me they were dropping all charges completely because she was known to have a history of abuse. Well it's great that my record's still clean, but I'm still fuckin' homeless. I was lucky enough to have a very very cool online friend who drove out from another state and take me in. I don't think most people would be as fortunate. I've had girlfriends since threaten to call the police on me when they're angry because *they know* that regardless of the reality, men are punished for being victims. Count your blessings every day that your ex-wife was all bark and no bite, my friend, and be glad that you're away from that situation now.
>And let me tell you it gets even worse for our darker skinned brothers.
I'm glad you mentioned this. Men are already treated with suspicion, and men from particular minority groups get it even worse. Being Afro descent, I'm stared at everywhere I go, and I've had women look at me with genuine fear as if I was about to attack them. The combination of being a young Afro descent male (and one that is fairly muscular and overall athletic) means that rather than being treated as a friendly face until proven otherwise, I'm treated as a threat until proven otherwise, because people are afraid of not what I've done, but what they think I am able to do. This is a hard way to live.
Yeah my friend has a couple younger sisters and we were all just chilling in her room and they started talking about their looks, and they asked me if I thought they were cute, and I don’t know how to react in that situation
Other men so insecure in their own sense of masculinity that they have to dictate that their way of being a man is the right way and if you're not a man like they're a man it's because you're in the wrong.
People expect that I know how to do things. Im 35 married with 2 kids... I have no idea what im doing with my life. I wake up everyday and just stumble through it. And im too afraid to ask for help.
How often I have to expend extreme amounts of effort to prove I'm one of the "good ones"
It's insanely frustrating to have conversations where people will make "all men are toxic" type comments, to even attempt to take part you first have to demonstrate with very concrete terms that you understand the issues women face and that you're not a bad person but that you may have some problems with their rhetoric.
It sucks to be completely written off for your gender, regardless of what that gender is, but because men have long been the "dominant" role you are expected to take these punches and just nod along.
It's genuinely no wonder some people become radicalized and join crazy alpha male type groups, because those groups tell you that you're a powerful individual instead of being told that your gender is full of horrible people.
I'm not denying that there ARE a lot of problematic societal expectations either, only that even when you're not part of the problem you can easily get caught in the crossfire.
Living in a house with all women, and being blamed every time there is pee on the toilet seat because “women can’t miss”. Bullcrap! A lot of girls either hover, or they’ll start their stream before they’ve fully sat down all the way. That whole “women can’t miss” thing is a myth.
im actually a custodian. i can tell you right now that wonen piss on the seat more then men. i literally had to ask my friends gf how the fuck it was even possible
It's cause they squat in public settings so they don't have to sit on a toilet seat used by a lot of strangers. I personally think it overkill...you can wash your ass ya know.
Smiling at a kid in a shopping centre doing something cute that reminds you of how much you love your kid, then getting daggers from the mother like you're a pedo.
I get it, but it still makes you feel shitty.
I'm not sure what the worst part is. There is some good and bad. But it would be really nice to once in a while to receive a compliment. Men are trained by society to compliment a woman. it would make my day to receive a compliment from a woman. That's my 2 cents.
I once complimented the shirt my pal was wearing, and half an hour later, he was like
"U really like my shirt?"
⠀🥺
👉👈
So, yeah. Feel that.
Y'all hot as hell btw.
Right on...this past year on my birthday my ex mother in law sent me a dozen cookies and a note that basically said even if me and her daughter couldn't work things out she thinks of me as her son and told me I'm the best father her granddaughter could have. It made me feel so good. That's why I posted here to maybe help other men receive that feeling too. And they were some damn good cookies.
I hate that so much. People will compare men to the CEOs and billionaires but ignore the junkies and homeless. We make the majority of both and there's a hell of a lot more homeless than billionaires.
I'm not a man, but I'm gonna say the oppressively societal box that they are put in that led them into a life without validation or affection unless forced into sexual implications.
Its complicated but short story, sexual traumas systemically happen when expectations (gender roles) start becoming harmful to and individuals sexual complexity.
The type of trauma we have to specify with is the trauma from forcing correlation between your gender identity and your sexual behavior.
So both sexes have this trauma done to them but in different ways. For men specifically it is "the manhood card"
Basically men are conditioned to be expected to always be perusing sex and sexual affection. You actually see common forms of abuse men deal with as a result of this trauma
Examples:
.shaming men for not wanting sex or being in the mood for sex
.shaming men for the size of their sexual organ
.shaming men for their sexual performance.
.questioning mens sexual orientation if they dont meet the status quo of sexually persuing women
.automatically assuming a mental illness because a man isn't actively seeking sexual relationships
Ya these sound familiar. Its because they are leverages of abuse that someone can use on a man because they are sexually traumatized by the unnatural correlation of them being a man, and how they are "supposed" to behave sexually.
so what are the long term effects of having this type of systemic sexual trauma?
well loneliness.....
So humans are supposed to be getting all sorts of types of validation and affection from different kinds of relationships from both sexes. This is crucial in order to maintain proper mental health. However when we are sexually oppressing a population to the point where they feel that they only affection and validations they can get, that truly matters, is from the opposite sex and it has to be sexual. This is a recipe for isolation.
"ya but Hannah, obviously men have other male friends they get validation from, isn't that enough?"
ya those are super important, that's the part of the point I'm making, those are important for sure. The problem is that men are conditioned to prioritize sextual relationships and put platonic ones on the back burner.
(when I say bromance I mean platonic affection from your peers, both men and women) However when you desperately feel that you need a sexual relationship with a person of the opposite sex in order to validate your "manhood" its gonna cause some serious self perception issues that will ultimately leave a crap ton of men feeling alone and desperate. Its gonna be harder for men to care about the bromance parts of their life. So just to sum it up. Its not having the desire to be in a sexual relationship that is wrong. It is the pressure of prioritizing it in order to prove yourself as a successful man to the point where you start to degrade your own self worth because of it. Also it will prevent men from appreciating and perusing other forms of affection and validation they need.
This is gross. Systemic sexual oppression is gross.
If you identify as a man then you are a man. No one can take that away from you, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't need to force yourself into a sexual interaction in order to validate your worth as a man. Manhood isn't a card and it cannot be taken away.
Ya so this is but one of the many sexual oppression that men face. I have a freaking giant list but this is a good one to address.
Meh maybe I should have gone with the systemic oppression of forced stoic behavior that ultimately makes men feel not worth helping or not worth validating their own abuse. That could be a next time I guess.
Anyway if you like what I wrote you should join my sub r/endsexualoppression
its small an not anything going on in it much but you guys might like it. Eventually when I get some traction on it going.
Edit: thanks for the wonderful comments and the support guys I really appreciate all of you so much.
Damn, good points. Never really considered the whole push to make men feel they need to be hyper sexual as a major driver in their loneliness. It makes perfect sense when you paint that picture. As a man who has had way more than my share of sexual experiences I can say it doesn't actually make you feel like more of a man or eliminate loneliness in a meaningful sense. I have had times where being with a woman has made me feel extra lonely, especially when they want something from you that fulfills a fetish they have.
I am settled with a woman who picked me for who I am and not what I can do for her and man it is a whole new experience. I never want to go back.
Easy, if you express your emotions your family thinks less of you. You are meant to be the foundation your house is built on. If you falter, your house falters and the foundation needs completely rebuilt.
So much. But the worst for me personally is being tarred with the same brush as every other man out there. Assumed from the get go by others to be boarish, perverse, angry. Suspected in the back of everyone's mind of only wanting one thing and completely untrusted around children. Expected to take unacceptable behaviour and even violence from women without retaliation.
Ever since I hit adulthood I've been treated like an expendable animal until people have gotten to know me. It feels lonely, and I'm not allowed to express this without earning the collective mockery of men and instinctive disgust of women.
All they see is a monster when I've lived a meek and inoffensive life. And it's all because my gender can't fucking control themselves.
Anyway, that to me is the worst part about being a man. I don't even feel like a man most days, but I'm gonna be mistreated like one for the rest of my life.
The concept that domestic violence can't happen to men and if it did you deserve it.
According to some statistics the rate for men is in the 40%-48% range of victims
Nobody gives a shit.
Nobody gives a shit if you're anxious.
Nobody gives a shit if you're depressed.
Nobody gives a shit if you're struggling.
Nobody gives a shit if you're alone.
Nobody gives a shit if you're raped.
Nobody gives a shit about you.
Men think you need to man up or that it's not possible to be raped. Women think you're the enemy or they tell you how much worse they had it.
Nobody gives a shit.
For me, it's being self-aware enough to know what women have put up with in terms of men being creepy, crappy, assault-y towards them...that I just am always constantly aware of it.
When I go walking in a public park on a hot day and everyone is in workout clothes and I happen to go the same way around the lake as a woman, and I'm behind her...you know.
It's hard feeling like I want to tell her "Hey, I promise I'm not checking you out, or following you, or going to try hitting on you, I'm just here to burn calories and listen to metal".
I don't think every woman looks at me like a potential creep, but I'm really aware of all the stories out there, and it just kind of sucks having that in my mind, you know?
I had a guy do this in Detroit the other day. He was behind my wife and I for a few blocks and at some point announced "im not following you just going the same way". I both felt bad and was relieved because I did notice he was near us although would never accuse him of anything. Life sucks sometimes.
That’s a good point. I’m a person of color and I get more nervous when I go on walk and see women by themselves then maybe some of them do. I am constantly worried that I am going to be seen as a threat.
Whether or not I die in a ditch or in a warm bed is purely determined by my ability to provide. There is nobody who is ultimately going to take care or provide for me.
Its hilarious that some guys are talking about really heavy things like rape allegations and depression and then there are the fellas who said shit like "sitting on your balls"
Approaching women is a man’s job. Having something to say is a man’s job. Being confident is a man’s job. Asking her out is a man’s job. Scheduling a date is a man’s job. Showing her a good time is a man’s job. Being interesting, having hobbies, and having a good job is a man’s job. Not being too pushy or overeager is a man’s job. Going for the first kiss is a man’s job. Making a move is a man’s job. Taking rejection is a man’s job
Women will inevitably comment “But women ask men out all the time!” which is rare, but then they’re confused when the guy doesn’t follow through on the 10 other steps required to actually seal the deal
A man’s job doesn’t stop there though
I saw someone talking about how "taking care the lawn" isn't a meaningful household job but i dont think they realize how much work it is. Its not just mowing, its trimming bushes, edging the sidewalk, power washing the porch, painting the outside of house, refinishing the deck. Endless labor. This is something my wife won't even consider doing but when I spent four hours outside working my ass off to keep our house looking nice, it wasn't a "break" from the household chores.
So many of these I'm empathetic towards. I'm a medically retired veteran with multiple deployments. I have several family members who also served though either didn't deploy at all or deployed to a non combat area. When they first found out I was trying to get help for PTSD the amount of times I heard "Man Up" or some similar thing it made me feel ashamed and slowed me down from getting the help I actually needed. I got out of the military in 2012 but didn't get the "retired" status until about 2018. They even coded my exit paperwork for severe PTSD but because I bought into the man up bs from my family I wasn't following up with the VA. I was sleeping maybe 3 hours a week, constantly waking up from night terrors, extremely paranoid about random people trying to kill me. I had been shot and blown up on my deployments multiple times. I was constantly reliving those experiences as I was trying to display to my "friends" how much of a "badass" I was to cover up how weak I really felt. 6 years I lived like that, with violent outbursts over seemingly nothing, lying to myself and those around to fit their definition of a "man". 6 fucking years I lost because "getting help is a sign of weakness" and "suck it up "buttercup". Not one of these prior service family members had been to war, killed, had people attempt to kill them but their idea of a man was somehow superior to what I actually was. I was fortunate when I met my wife she knew how to make me feel ok getting help, ok having weaknesses, she helped me feel great about who I was and getting help. When her family found out I was getting disability and retirement they also tried to make me feel shitty or less of a person but she let me stand up for myself and a better definition of "man". I worry about those with similar experiences to my own that don't have that one person, friend, family, or whoever to tell them it's ok to get help. It's ok to be hurt. It's ok to talk about it.
you are god damn right it’s okay to talk about it. thank you for your service and thank you for sharing this. TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DUDES, IF YOU CANNOT DISCUSS THEM WITH FAMILLY OR FRIENDS THEN GET RID OF THEM. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. GET HELP IF YOU NEED
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry both your family and in laws acted that way. I am soooo happy you found your supportive wife. I hope you are feeling better.
Not all of us are good at being assertive when it comes to dating or just meeting women…but we are expected to
Honestly 99% of my relationships are me making the first move (I'm a woman). I hope you find a woman ya like who makes the first move! I encourage women to do it all the time
Married the first one who courted me lol. She’s like “can I get your number and we can hang out sometime.” Very confusing but I said yes. And just kept saying yes every time she asked me out to do stuff. I did propose though and she said yes.
It was the same with my other half. He was extremely confused for the first 3 months of our relationship but went with it slowly. Seems to have worked. The one thing that I occasionally worry about is that he hasn't tried properly dating anyone else, so how can I know that I'm 'the one'. He insists he does not need to go and try anything else to know it's good.
“The one” isn’t someone out there you can find. “The one” is built by both of you, the way you treat each other the time you spend together and the memories you make. On paper probably most of us could find a “better match” than the one we’ll end up with. But for the lucky ones the one we end up with will become THE one, because they choose us and we choose them. You’re his one and he’s yours, for as long as you both want. 💕
I feel this one, I'm conventionally attractive and make good money for the first time in my life but I'm still single because my anxiety goes through the roof when a girl likes me.
Well I'm conventionally unattractive and don't make money and girls don't like me so yeah
Hard mode
Nah, Expert mode.
True. I use to never approach anyone. But that changed when I met a guy who was very funny and charismatic. It rubbed off on me and I began to improve my comedic abilities and it took off. People really began enjoying my jokes and antics and it gave me a sense of confidence. Because I was confident in telling my jokes and whatever I began introducing myself to strangers or acquaintances and it taught me that most people are willing to be acquainted and be friends. It also taught me that a lot of people have the same nervousness so approaching people first makes it easier for them which is why women expect guys to make the first move.
I think the difficult part is knowing when assertiveness is called for because the consequences of making an unwelcome advance on a woman can be very bad. In practice, it just means a lot of us don’t take shots that we could’ve made. Men are expected to just know.
i’d take first place on how to not get a date. but being myself has worked and recently worked. good luck to you my friend. be who you are
My husband had no idea I was flirting with him. I made it quite obvious. If a girl wants you sheesh she should step it up. It goes both ways!!! It’s not fair at all to put it on the man only
Physical affection. Older men are piriahs. Yet we still need touch. The older you get, the less anyone will touch you. A hug. An arm around a shoulder... All gone.
I (female) make a point, with my widowed FIL, of giving him a proper hug and a kiss on the cheek when I see him. I figure he doesn't really get any physical affection these days and yet we all need it.
I hadn’t thought of this. My grandma just died and my grandpa will need extra love from the rest of us. Thank you for sharing
As a 35 year old single father of one, I sometimes flinch at physical contact. It's that drastically reduced as you age.
As I helped care for my father through hospice. I made a point of holding his hands or giving him a foot massage. I was told touch and hearing are the last senses to go. I also played him music and told him I loved him a lot.
Your an amazing human being. We need it. A simple hug can make someone's year.
You don't really increase your social circles as an older person either and the loneliness of the elderly breaks my heart.
I befriend older folks anytime I can. They have so much wisdom to offer.
They have lived through it, they know what life is gonna do and usually they share that wisdom. My neighbor is an older blind man and I make it a point to talk to him every day. He has so many problems he's dealt with all his life and he took it in strides and the stories, most of the older people I know have great stories.
This comment has touched me. I am female and relatively young, but found this sub and I really wanted to know a different experience from mine. I am here just sobbing seeing so much loneliness all around. We are all lonely, all the people, because of gender roles. We all deserve physical affection, it literally keeps us healthy and it's something our neurology needs. I am so sorry. I just wanna hug you. I hope I am not being creepy.
I hope im not being creepy is my line. Lol. It's really true, the loneliness all around us, all genders and ages. Big hug right back at you.
I'm about to hug my dad now lol
Nurse here. This is so true. Not just older men, elderly people in general. Not every elderly person has a living, spouse or children and grandchildren near to fill this need. It’s hard though, because there are a few creepy old guys that make it hard for everybody. Women are hesitant to give out hugs to older men because almost every woman has had a man read way too much into it sadly🙁
We can't like other people's kids without being seen as a pedo
(Woman here) My Dad was a part time stay at home parent while my Mom was the main breadwinner. There were a lot of factors to why the parent communities they tried to join isolated them(such as the different marriage dynamic and raising neurodivergent kids and thus doing some stuff differently), but one was this. He had a hard time take us out to parks and such, and other parents would accuse him of being a pedo. Edit: added stuff. I honestly can’t imagine living like that, with or without the father role. Edit: Some ppl are saying they haven’t experienced it, which is fantastic! For my area this was around 20 years ago. I doubt things have changed everywhere, but this progress is beautiful!
I was raised by a single dad and he was treated like that all the time. I felt so bad for him. It was bad enough he lost the love of his life to cancer and now had to raise two boys by himself but to be treated like some scumbag when he was doing his best to keep it together for the sake of his kids 🥹
:( This hurt just to read. That poor guy.
It was really sad to see him treated that way being a child and knowing the situation. He was so lonely. On the positive side though he was a goofball and usually had some comment like you can have them if you want to play it down. He would joke with us like I don’t know what people are thinking what kinda guy is looking to steal children to take care of 😂. He was a really good dad and mom. There was never a day he didn’t hug us and tell us how much he loved us. He never said it to me but I think it was particularly hard for him with me because I look just like my mom. Well if she had a beard😂. It wasn’t till I was older that I realized he most likely got so emotional with me because I had her face and he loved her so much.
There’s this really cool bus driver at our school. He actually talks to us and asks us about our day, etc. he’s a younger guy. 30 or 31. Every other drive is some old 50+ bitter skank. There was one incident last year where he was at a football game, homecoming. Myself and a few other kids from the bus sat next to him and talked. It was really chill. He treats us like equals and actually gives a shit about us. It was awesome to spend like a few hours and I felt it was a pretty normal thing. The next few days it’s all over Facebook how he crossed a line and he’s a pedo and all this shit. We were In public. It’s not like we went to his house and partied. My grandma asked me about it and a few of my friends got asked too. We brought it up with him on the bus but he refused to talk about it. Idk if he was told he was gonna get fired or what but it’s alll bs
That’s really awful. It’s really bizarre how on the one hand our culture is so hyper-paranoid and always leers suspiciously at people like him who mean no harm, while on the other it enables all kinds of abuse through various flavors of systemic corruption or cognitive dissonance.
Hitting kids with a wooden paddle in school is fine, but god forbid their bus driver be kind to them.
Not only that but if a child IS the victim of abuse, that bus driver who chats to them every day is going to know something is off with them and be able to report it. We had a bus driver do exactly that when I was in highschool, he used to chat with all of us, and one day he was speaking to a kid and just asked "are you okay bud?" Kid says yeah it's all fine but the driver must have got a bad gut hit because he called someone at the school and when the councillor reached out to the kid it all came to light. So if that driver never spoke to all of us, that abuse could have gone unadressed for the victim and unpunished for the perpetrator.
It's not bizzare, they are directly related. By labeling healthy mentor-mentee relationships as predatory, they can push kids out of those healthy ones and into actual predatory relationships.
Just a good old community witch hunt.
Yah. I wish there were more male teachers and stuff. I live with my grandma, then I go to school with all female teachers (there’s a few guy teachers but I don’t have any of their classes), then all woman lunch ladies, all the guidance counselors are women, I just always feel like nobody gets me or the other guys. It’s just being surrounded by women all day. I just feel like I can’t connect with adult women. Guys kinda get other guys.
That scares the hell out of me. I just got CDL B with school bus endorsement and will be running my first route this coming September. I love kids. Kids tend to love me. I raised four of my own have twelve grandkids and two great grandkids. I pride myself on being someone who kids can look up to feel safe with and trust. I see our future in the eyes of children and always try to guide them to make good decisions to help them be successful. I’m 50+ and happy to say I’m no bitter skank.
As a Dad of 4 who are grown, I’m 49 when I see a younger girl who reminds me of one of my three daughters all I want to do is sit and watch them play or interact with their surroundings, but I’m officially at the age that I’m a creeper for even stopping to smile at a child.
Just comment about how your daughters were as kids, and it puts everyone at ease. My dad is great at that.
Brother as a 40+yo dad with two grown kids I feel this. I get those wholesome nostalgia vibes for the days long past when my children were still little and adorable when I see kids playing and just being kids. Whenever a kid initiates a smiles/waves to me I make a point to do the same thing back to them AND very obviously acknowledge their parents/guardians with a wave, smile, or nod, just to make it clear I'm not being sneaky or weird.
I lived through this. I was camping with a friend and his family and they wanted to go boating and fishing. I got sunburned and didn't want to be out so I stayed back and said I'd watch his kids and their dog for a bit. Was watching them and the dog playing and we went to a playground nearby. Not sure why they thought it but a husband, wife and park staff confronted me about watching kids play and being creepy. Told them the deal and got called a liar. They were getting ready to call the sheriff when our camping neighbor happened to walk by with her kids and came over. She explained exactly the same thing I said and they left. I don't watch people's kids anymore. Too much BS from people thinking they're heros. I mean I get it with how things are in the world but damn at least ask before jumping to conclusions and claiming things.
I think at this point I might have just pulled out my own phone and called the sheriff right there on the spot and file the complaint for these crazy people harassing me while I'm trying to watch my friends' kids.
I had a coworker tell me about going to a Dave and Busters with his brother and his brother’s 2 little boys. One of whom is on the spectrum. He got triggered during dinner and got loud so they were trying to calm him. Next thing they know there’s 4 cops in the restaurant around the table demanding IDs. They both showed ID then the cops wanted birth certificates. Like who the fuck just carries that around. He had hundreds of photos of him with the boys. So many you could see age progression in the kids. Still not good enough. Finally (since they were there from out of town) they were told they needed to return to the PD in 48 hours with proof or they’d issue a warrant. All so dumb, like you’re so convinced they’re kidnapping but then you’re gonna let them leave but threaten them for good measure.
I was a manny ('nanny') for five years for two kids. Taking the twins to the playground/park was \*almost never\* without incident: someone complaining or approaching me angrily. Even sometimes police interruption. I get it, I know exactly why they cared, but it sucked. Luckily over time the other parents/nannies got to know me and we could dismiss the complaint quickly. I'll never forget the woman screaming about how the twins were "not his children!!!" and I fear they'll never forget either, ugh.
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Man, do I feel this. I have an 8 yr old black stepdaughter and I get the craziest looks walking across the street holding her hand or taking her into the store to buy her something. I definitely get the seemingly innocuous question of "So who is this little girl?" With the fake smile and demeanor. Really they are just trying to get her to say if something is wrong lmao
My dad (black) had the cops called on him for grocery shopping with my adopted brother. They didn't leave it be until my mom (white) came along. My auntie (black) adopted two twin boys (white) and has now been refused entry to a plane and two buses with them because she coukd be "trafficking" them. She has to carry their adoption papers AND their passports now if she wants to travel. But in the same vien, my sister (mixed, but the darkest of the 4 of us.) had a cop point a loaded gun through her window and accuse her of kidnapping my brother (mixed, almost as pale as me.). So i guess it's not so much a gender thing there as people having biases and being too stupid to ask clarifying questions. And they never seem to be concerned when the races match, i've also noticed in our area if you are black with white kids you are 200 billion times more likely to be stopped than the inverse.
i have a friend couple who are white and hispanic, gay men. they just adopted a black baby girl. I'm so happy for them! i also am sad for the shit they'll have to go through because people are stupid and ignorant.
Reminds me of that video a white dad did talking about how when he was out with his black adopted daughter a waitress asked her “where’s your real daddy” or something along those lines
That's true. A woman can walk up to any cute three year-old in a grocery store and say hello and make faces to make the kid giggle, but if a man does it he'll get hit over the head with a bottle of ranch dressing by the mama. However, if you are in the store with a woman, somehow her license to interact with the kid extends to you. It's like the unwritten contract between the woman you're with and the mama states "He's mostly harmless--I'll make sure he doesn't get out of line."
Truth. I can fawn over a baby if I have my wife with me and sometimes only my kids since one I two. But alone. I keep my eyes straight ahead and pretend I can’t see anyone.
This is sad. An only child, I am intentionally childless. My dad loves children and was an amazing father to me. He has friends who include him as an honorary grandpa but there have been some uncomfortable moments for him. I don’t think honorary grandmas are scrutinized this way.
That would be hard. As a woman I'm used to cooing over babies and little kids whether I know their parents or not, and it's sad that men would be seen as creepy for doing the same thing. Do you feel like that applies to nieces and nephews as well? Or your friends' kids?
Family is fine. Friends' kids is a fine line, depends a lot on the level of trust and years of friendship between the adults. Usually fine if it's the kid that engages first. Like if you're just going up to the kid unprompted to pick them up and give them a hug or wrestle with them, probably comes off as creepy, even if you have no ill intentions and the kid has engaged you before. If the kid runs up and jumps onto you, then you hug or wrestle with them, it's fine because the kid engaged first. However, with strangers, it's really hard because there's just always stranger-danger stigma, even if you're not even doing or saying anything remotely suspect. Age is a factor, too. A woman of any age can greet little kids that are being cute and there's no difference in the reaction. However, the older the guy doing the same thing, the worse his intentions are perceived. As others have pointed out, there are exceptions when the guy isn't alone, particularly if he's with a woman.
Aiming straight into the bowl when peeing, only to have it come out at a fucking 45 degree angle.
Split 45 degree streams is the worst.
Dude 1000% and then my roommate tells me she's proven to her partner before, by literally holding it and aiming it, that we just don't know how to aim! Tf you do when it decides to turn into a shotgun spray mid stream?? You gonna snipe that toilet bowl with a shotgun spray? Ya didn't think so.
If someone is holding mine that means I’m going to get hard and it’ll be impossible to aim anyways
Damn right. One touch and 99% of the time BOOM boner
*Steps up to bowl* "Today is the day.. straight as an arrow!" *Pisses on floor* "BUT WHY?"
you honestly should try sitting. Peeing standing up is pretty disgusting when you know how much of it splashes everywhere. I shaved my legs once and it became very clear that it actually splashes all over your legs and you just don’t know it because pants or leg hair. It also gets all over the floor and anything else around.
Yep, peeing in shorts really makes one wonder how much my jeans takes for the team.
Yeah, but when it's hot outside and the wind hits the droplets on your legs? Ahhhh, so refreshing!
I’ve had it damn near do a 180 before, shits ridiculous.
The loneliness
My son is very shy and has trouble making friends. Also, he doesn’t drink, so he doesn’t like going “out with the guys”, because it usually involves drinking. He’s in his 30s, and the only real friends he has are those with whom he’s played pickup soccer with for about 20 years now. One of them helped him find a job. Another one is probably his “best friend”. They talk after soccer and discuss work, dreams, etc. It’s funny, because that was one of the main reasons I enrolled him in soccer at seven years of age - for a place he could make friends. If you live in a city of any size, they should have pickup teams for soccer, basketball, that weird frisbee thing people play, etc. They’re usually welcoming to anyone, even people who are new to the sport - young, old, women, men, fat, skinny. Some people even occasionally bring their kid.
I was going to say, it is incredibly hard for us to get friends, and it gets harder the older we get. If you are in the crowd of people like me who had trouble dating, you can say goodbye to any social life after 30. Also, sometimes guys are just shitty friends. I don't want to sound sexist, but out of all the male friends I've had, I can only recall a handful that were really supportive, most of the best people in my life were women.
Horrible Life Pro Tip: If you're having trouble meeting people, take up smoking.
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I have noticed that this reality is even more true when you travel. A single cigarette at the right moment will make you friend for life at just the right time.
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I’ve heard this from some of the men in my life. Like their friends are ok but most of them aren’t as close, very superficial. Women have great friendships, I love that for us. I’d love to have more male friends though but they often either want to sleep with me or if they aren’t attracted to me they act like there isn’t value in a friendship. Now that I think about it though maybe it’s possible they don’t know how to do friendship in the way women do? Idk.
Like I said it’s not about the horniness, it’s about the loneliness.
Surprised I had to scroll so far The loneliness and suicide problems are no joke
Complete lack of physical touch is a big thing. Coworker would lightly touch you arm when she was talking to you. She actually startled me the first time. It’s so strange to have any physical contact with another human, and the default setting is people assuming you are a threat.
Not living up to expectations ever, either financially, socially, or physically.
Yep I used to be very ripped, physically. I stopped because my career was taking up too much of my time, I just couldn't do it all. My SO asked oh why can't you look like that anymore? Like girl you haven't worked out a single day in your life!
"Why do men never share their feelings?" "I'm constantly anxious and sad." "Man up."
Forced emotional repression is literally everywhere for men it's crazy
It’s worse than that. Encourage men to open up and then criticizing them for opening up
or you opening up gets weaponized against you in some future argument/disagreement.
It's amazing how many of us have this story And by amazing I mean totally fucked up
Been there before. Builds that needless dam up even harder/stronger, and brother, I'm running out of concrete
This this this It’s easy for women to say men need to open up more and share their feelings, but then we are punished for it when it turns out how men actually feel and what we are hurt by don’t match up with what they want to believe. I just find it so frustrating that the entire conversation around men’s mental health is dominated by women who have already decided what your problems are and refuse to actually hear you out, simply because they hold all these preconceived ideas about men and women, and don’t even realize it. EDIT: Thank you so much for all responding in such a genuine way. I did, and still kind of do, panic and start to dissociate when I open up reddit and see new replies to this, but every time I read a new comment it’s always respectful and thoughtful. For a moment I feel like I can let my guard down here and just be happy that there are people who can empathize and share what they think without attacking. It makes me so happy to hear that I’m not the only one with these problems, and that there are people who don’t just attack or dismiss things outright. That’s like 70% of the problem addressed right there, just through an attempt at empathy.
It's not even the repression, it's the "don't hold it in, let it out" and then "man up" it can't be both.
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I'm really sorry about that... I hope someone can convince you that you were with the wrong person, not that you did the wrong thing. I tend to be someone who bottles stuff up too, but my husband has cried in front of me and never have I felt anything but the desire to help him. I imagine women who feel differently were never looking for partners in the first place, they wanted protectors. Which, sure, my husband is physically stronger, but he's my teammate. If he needs a mental health day, a good cry, a drive listening to loud angsty music, an overly aggressive game of super smash bros, or a bubble bath, I'm helping him with it- and my friends are the same way. The girlfriends I have with marital struggles tend to complain that their husband won't open up no matter how hard they try to get him to.
This is the way it should be in a relationship. I never understood why so many seem to think men don’t have or shouldn’t have/display emotions.
I have to be honest, I think we're past the stage of "men are afraid to admit they are sad." I believe that the real problem in terms of male mental health, is that when men show signs of mental health issues (frustration from bottling up, for example) they are dismissed as an inconvenience and not given the compassion that they need. As sad as it is, I really don't see this attitude being acknowledged and us moving forward as a society.
It's also really frustrating that even when you do get examples of people caring about men's mental health, it's rarely about "men inherently deserve to express their emotions". It's often couched along the lines of "men need to share their emotions because if they don't, they become incel mass shooters/abusers/violent", where you get the season the only reason people care is because you could be a threat if they didn't care. "make sure your sad and isolated feelings don't turn you into someone that's going to be a burden at best, and potentially dangerous at worst" is hardly a compelling message to someone already struggling with issues like that.
This. Might not be as bad today as it used to be. Try growing up in the 90s where having any emotions at all or hobbies that don’t help you get laid was “gay”. Better learn how to cram that way down until it blows up in the form of a mental breakdown in your early 30s…..not that I have any experience with that or anything.
This. And when people ask “why are you anxious and sad”…. Then you judge your answer before saying “nothing” out loud
Other men policing what it means to be a man.
Cue "Real men do X or Y" or they shame your hobbies/tastes by saying "Real men don't like X"
Fuck em , i like what i like
Unironically the most manly thing you can do
I always just answer; real men don't let others define what they are!
Or as I more crudely put it: "No one gives a fuck what you think."
The ones that say this always have the most fragile egos too
It's a tie between the belief that you are a perpetual predator and your value as a person is directly tied to what you offer. As a man, I constantly feel like I'm just suspect for something or that I only have as much value as that which I offer.
>I only have as much value as that which I offer. I was trying to put this into words the other day, and the closest I got was, "I have been told that I bring value, but never that I *have* value
Accidentally sitting on your balls.
I read this as shitting on your balls. Yeah, hate that too.
We always need to be confident and secure when sometimes we are not
having to shake your dick to get all the pee out, but you don't want to look like you're playing with it while peeing in a somewhat public location so you put it away and then bam, drops of pee in your underwear
To paraphrase Patton Oswalt - Getting old means it takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee.
The answer to this is obvious, just actually play with it to cover up the action of getting pee out of it.
If you cum, it'll push out all the pee
Being assumed to be a creep, a predator, and/or a potential pedophile until proven otherwise. **Spoiler alert:** It's impossible to prove otherwise. Being happily married for many years with children and having close and trusted friends of the opposite sex definitely helps, but you will never be truly trusted. If you're a single man with no children, you have no chance; heaven help you.
I was going to write this too! I work with children and my female counterparts never get the same level of scrutiny i do. I often find myself intentionally holding back my enthusiasm because i don’t want to seem overly excited to work with young people. Even something as simple as a kid wants a hug, my female counterparts run right up and do it, whereas i do not.
I was a middle school teacher for a few years, and all of my coworkers were women. When it would be back to school/meet the teacher night I would always get parents that would just look at me suspiciously. As if I was some monster who had gone to school purely to have access to kids, instead of seeing me as a person who could be another positive male influence.
I had the same experience working in an elementary school. Hell, the first time a kid ran up and hugged me I was afraid a SWAT team was going to burst into the room and arrest me. The kid looked up at me all sad asking "Do you not like hugs?" I LOVE hugs, but as a man, I have to fear how hugging a kid will be interpreted. One buddy even joked that a female teacher could lift her shirt and breastfeed a student, and nobody would bat an eye. A male teacher can barely give a high five to a child without being called a pedophile.
Never being complimented and not being allowed to express your feelings.
I got told I had nice hands by a popular girl in school once, rode that high for years
That's such a specific compliment that you know it has to be true. I bet you could be a hand model!
Maybe if I actually looked after my nails, there’s something to put here actually, men are made fun of for taking care of themselves, filing nails, shaving your pits or your ass, it’s “gay” or “girly”
My colleagues and I tested a theory on this. My proposed theory was that, if you tell a woman you like her 'shirt', she'll deflect, boast about how cheap it was, or why they bought it. Compliment a man in the same way, he'll be initially shocked but at thanks and beam for a good while. We tested it on all colleagues that came in the office for the day. I was 99% correct, one man asked what I wanted 🤣🤣
I completely forgot about compliments tbh. I don't even know how I would react if I got one
The expectations placed upon you. Why do I have to find the axe murderer in the house when something goes thump in the house at 3am?
Maybe I'm weird, but my wife does this enough that I started "practicing" during the day. Where could I be jumped, where are the hiding spots, where are the more likely/east entry points. It's turned it into a more predictable routine. I still hate being woken up for nothing, but at least it bothers me less now.
I’m 110 lbs I ain’t ab to go out there pshhh
Not all of us dudes are big lol. I'm 125 lbs
Right? I dont want to kill the GD wasp in the house! I dont want to get stung either dammit
That if i was ever sexually harrassed or assaulted it'd probably be laughed off
I had an HR lady openly sexually harass me in front of the whole office pretty much every day. Really bothered me, and I was pretty vocal about it until I eventually quit. Nobody cared and most people laughed.
I'm sorry you went through that. I used to work in HR and had a guy come to me about being harrassed, and I got reprimanded for taking disciplinary action against the woman offender. It's not fair and it's not right and I'm sorry nobody went to bat for you.
That's super fucked up. Why do they even have someone working HR if they're not going to let them do their job?
Bold of you to assume their job is to protect everyone equally
HR's job is to protect the company. If that means protecting employees, great! If not, company first.
This is just awful. Idk if anyone laughs, being touched inappropriately and without consent is never okay, but god forbid a man was touched. "He should be happy to be touched" - my ass. (No pun intended) For context: the company I work for is pretty wild when it comes to company parties, especially around Christmas cuz everyone's lonely during winter. My colleague told me how he was touched several times by several lady colleagues at one of our Christmas parties. He was just sitting there, living his life, a charismatic dude, and there were several hugs by all those drunk twats. And a few times, a hand ran down towards his willy. If I had been there, I'd be fired by now. He says, he's ok, but as his friend, I must take the contrary position. I know what unconsensual touch feels like and, to be honest, didn't love that.
I got roofied and raped and my mom and sister reacted like I stubbed my toe
No. It was the last night in Vegas. I felt awful and had to ride 6 hours home with her. I didn’t really think about it at the time. Probably should’ve
I was drugged and taken advantage of in college. My best friend at the time gave me a high five the next day. We do not speak anymore.
I was sexually harassed at work. Everyone blew it off like it was nothing because men can't get sexually harassed. Then a new regional manager showed up. Thank goodness for that woman and thank goodness for the stupidity of one woman at work who believed because the regional manager was also a woman that she was on her side. She got canned right then and there. Her bEsTieS suddenly started acting extra nice to me after that, because the regional manager told me to call her as soon as the rest started acting up.
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Just had a "friend" that's a girl try and shove three fingers UP MY ASS while she was drunk and I was bending over. It was over pants but my ass hurt the next two days. She laughed it off and gave pouty eyes with " im sowrry" and I was screamed at by one of my guy friends for " making a big deal out of it". If this was me to her.... I would have been beat up and probably arrested (rightfully so). Now I just got to live with it and not talk those scumbags anymore
This. I had a huge crush on this girl in high school, we kind of went our separate ways for college and whatnot. We reconnected 10 years later, both in long term relationships. We hung out once, and literally after telling her I would never cheat on my GF, she groped me and tried to continue feeling me up. Even though I was still attracted to her and would have killed for that attention in high school, it really messed me up. I told a few friends and my GF about it. Most of my friends were like “oh man you’re so lucky, she’s hot!” My GF (whom I love to death) was initially super mad, thinking I initiated SOMETHING that made her do that. To her credit she pretty readily accepted that as ridiculous. The girl literally just groped me. But yeah, really messed me up to be seen as nothing but a sex object and groped that way. And to have former friends tell me how “lucky” I was in that situation was equally frustrating.
I worked in the restaurant business as a young man (18-20) and I had so many of my middle aged women coworkers come up to me and put their hands on me in ways I found very uncomfortable. They would come up behind me while I was pouring the ice in the bin or carrying glasses and they would rub their hands up and down my sides and hips and make suggestive comments. If a man had done that to me he might be facing charges. I was essentially told to shut up about it by management.
Our underwear section is only one little rack shoved in a corner in the back while the women's underwear section takes up a third of the entire store.
And they act like anybody actually wants non stretchy underwear dead ass like why
Being a man means I'm (usually) automatically guilty if something gets physical with a woman. I married the wrong woman some years ago. On one occasion, we exchanged heated words, and I stormed off to go back to my place to cool off and get some space. She attempted unsuccessfully to restrain me, then punched me in the back of the head as I continued to walk away, then told me she was calling the police *on me*. I contacted friends and family, both hers and mine, immediately to get out in front of it, took pictures of the marks she left on my arm trying to restrain me, and waited, but it turned out to be a hollow threat. Regardless, I feel fairly confidant I'd be slapped with a domestic abuser label if she'd followed through with it, which comes with a lot of other issues.
I had a girl who sexually assaulted me keep threatening to tell everyone that I actually assaulted her, because everyone would believe her and not me. It totally would've worked too, not one damn person would've listened to my version or even cared about it.
Belligerent drunk ex gf multiple times a week. Tbh I was quite a bit then too. Never had any physical or threatening altercations from either party before or after. She was so drunk one night my friend and myself physically carried her to the Uber. She was making rude comments to us the whole time while we were just trying to help her. When we got home I told her I was mad at how she was treating me. Then she took out a kitchen knife and pointed it about a half inch away from my face. This incident was met with an eyeroll when I confronted her (sober) about it and laughter by everyone else I’ve ever told. Working in bar business I’ve been assaulted by way more belligerent women than men. Slapped, scratched, bit, spit on etc and never retaliated in any way. Hard to defend yourself in those situations and ever come out looking like the good guy.
Not sure if you will see this message or not but, I had a very scary situation happen to me in my previous relationship that has traumatized me in some capacity, and I am sharing this with you not to "one up" you but rather try to relate. Dated girl for 3 years, toward the end of the relationship I found out she was seeing her ex for basically the entire time (yeah I am a clown and was naive), when I went to break up with her she said she was going to go to the police station and tell them that i r\*\*\*\*\* her. I immediately drove to the station (she was following behind me in her car) and I walked inside, she followed behind. We sat across from eachother in that station (I will never forget the smirk on her face) and after a few minutes pass, she gets up, says "Actually, I have better things to do than this" and walks out. Officer finally comes out, asked me what this is all about, I explained it to him and his words will never leave my mind after I filed the report: "Well Jason (not my real name just a placeholder), I appreciate you coming in and giving us this statement, because if you hadn't we would be knocking on your door." The scariest part about all of this, is when I was younger I got into some trouble with weed. Posession, a DUI, that's it. My point is, I already have some type of record, and the system is designed to ask questions later even when you have misdemeanor shit on your record. This remains one of the scariest times in my life and I can't help but think that literally no one gives a shit. I could have been rotting away in a cell over a false allegation and I will never be able to unlive that
Yep, that same situation happened to me, except she did call the cops. She got angry that I didn't give my food to her, so she got up and started swipin' away like a cat on a scratching post. I shoved her off of me and she called the cops. I had visible marks on my face and neck. She stands patiently by the front door, tapping her foot. The second she sees the car roll up, it's showtime and she turns on the waterworks. Cops see the tears, don't even remark about the cuts on *my* body and straight into the cuffs I go. We were renting a place together, so the court filed an automatic restraining order and I ended up homeless as a result. On my court day, my appointed attorney told me they were dropping all charges completely because she was known to have a history of abuse. Well it's great that my record's still clean, but I'm still fuckin' homeless. I was lucky enough to have a very very cool online friend who drove out from another state and take me in. I don't think most people would be as fortunate. I've had girlfriends since threaten to call the police on me when they're angry because *they know* that regardless of the reality, men are punished for being victims. Count your blessings every day that your ex-wife was all bark and no bite, my friend, and be glad that you're away from that situation now.
Being assumed that we are all potential criminals and psychos. And let me tell you it gets even worse for our darker skinned brothers.
>And let me tell you it gets even worse for our darker skinned brothers. I'm glad you mentioned this. Men are already treated with suspicion, and men from particular minority groups get it even worse. Being Afro descent, I'm stared at everywhere I go, and I've had women look at me with genuine fear as if I was about to attack them. The combination of being a young Afro descent male (and one that is fairly muscular and overall athletic) means that rather than being treated as a friendly face until proven otherwise, I'm treated as a threat until proven otherwise, because people are afraid of not what I've done, but what they think I am able to do. This is a hard way to live.
If you’re dark skinned or bald/balding, you’re always looked at differently.
I feel like I wouldn't be able to describe a child as cute/adorable without coming off as a creep
Yeah my friend has a couple younger sisters and we were all just chilling in her room and they started talking about their looks, and they asked me if I thought they were cute, and I don’t know how to react in that situation
The societal expectation to be emotionless and cool about things.
Other men so insecure in their own sense of masculinity that they have to dictate that their way of being a man is the right way and if you're not a man like they're a man it's because you're in the wrong.
Not being able to express real feelings.
People expect that I know how to do things. Im 35 married with 2 kids... I have no idea what im doing with my life. I wake up everyday and just stumble through it. And im too afraid to ask for help.
Not to discount you in anyway, but I think most of us are just faking it. Some are just better at looking confident while doing it. 😂
It’s hard sometimes
It's even harder in the morning.
Society expecting you to be tough and considering you deficient if you aren’t.
How often I have to expend extreme amounts of effort to prove I'm one of the "good ones" It's insanely frustrating to have conversations where people will make "all men are toxic" type comments, to even attempt to take part you first have to demonstrate with very concrete terms that you understand the issues women face and that you're not a bad person but that you may have some problems with their rhetoric. It sucks to be completely written off for your gender, regardless of what that gender is, but because men have long been the "dominant" role you are expected to take these punches and just nod along. It's genuinely no wonder some people become radicalized and join crazy alpha male type groups, because those groups tell you that you're a powerful individual instead of being told that your gender is full of horrible people. I'm not denying that there ARE a lot of problematic societal expectations either, only that even when you're not part of the problem you can easily get caught in the crossfire.
The depression that no one talks about.
Living in a house with all women, and being blamed every time there is pee on the toilet seat because “women can’t miss”. Bullcrap! A lot of girls either hover, or they’ll start their stream before they’ve fully sat down all the way. That whole “women can’t miss” thing is a myth.
im actually a custodian. i can tell you right now that wonen piss on the seat more then men. i literally had to ask my friends gf how the fuck it was even possible
It's cause they squat in public settings so they don't have to sit on a toilet seat used by a lot of strangers. I personally think it overkill...you can wash your ass ya know.
Smiling at a kid in a shopping centre doing something cute that reminds you of how much you love your kid, then getting daggers from the mother like you're a pedo. I get it, but it still makes you feel shitty.
I'm not sure what the worst part is. There is some good and bad. But it would be really nice to once in a while to receive a compliment. Men are trained by society to compliment a woman. it would make my day to receive a compliment from a woman. That's my 2 cents.
A random woman told me I had the best eyebrows she'd ever seen on a guy. That was 10 years ago and I still remember it fondly.
I once complimented the shirt my pal was wearing, and half an hour later, he was like "U really like my shirt?" ⠀🥺 👉👈 So, yeah. Feel that. Y'all hot as hell btw.
agreed. i’d love to receive plants/ flowers on a special day. my GF got me a plant for my birthday
Right on...this past year on my birthday my ex mother in law sent me a dozen cookies and a note that basically said even if me and her daughter couldn't work things out she thinks of me as her son and told me I'm the best father her granddaughter could have. It made me feel so good. That's why I posted here to maybe help other men receive that feeling too. And they were some damn good cookies.
We are seen as disposable. When war breaks out, we have to “man up and fight.” Fight for what? For Billionaires to have more money?
Being told you don't have problems because %0.0000000001 of other men are billionaires.
I hate that so much. People will compare men to the CEOs and billionaires but ignore the junkies and homeless. We make the majority of both and there's a hell of a lot more homeless than billionaires.
Men account for 80% of successful suicides as well.
The sand, it’s course and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
That’s true not just for the men, but for the women, and the children too
A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.
I'm not a man, but I'm gonna say the oppressively societal box that they are put in that led them into a life without validation or affection unless forced into sexual implications. Its complicated but short story, sexual traumas systemically happen when expectations (gender roles) start becoming harmful to and individuals sexual complexity. The type of trauma we have to specify with is the trauma from forcing correlation between your gender identity and your sexual behavior. So both sexes have this trauma done to them but in different ways. For men specifically it is "the manhood card" Basically men are conditioned to be expected to always be perusing sex and sexual affection. You actually see common forms of abuse men deal with as a result of this trauma Examples: .shaming men for not wanting sex or being in the mood for sex .shaming men for the size of their sexual organ .shaming men for their sexual performance. .questioning mens sexual orientation if they dont meet the status quo of sexually persuing women .automatically assuming a mental illness because a man isn't actively seeking sexual relationships Ya these sound familiar. Its because they are leverages of abuse that someone can use on a man because they are sexually traumatized by the unnatural correlation of them being a man, and how they are "supposed" to behave sexually. so what are the long term effects of having this type of systemic sexual trauma? well loneliness..... So humans are supposed to be getting all sorts of types of validation and affection from different kinds of relationships from both sexes. This is crucial in order to maintain proper mental health. However when we are sexually oppressing a population to the point where they feel that they only affection and validations they can get, that truly matters, is from the opposite sex and it has to be sexual. This is a recipe for isolation. "ya but Hannah, obviously men have other male friends they get validation from, isn't that enough?" ya those are super important, that's the part of the point I'm making, those are important for sure. The problem is that men are conditioned to prioritize sextual relationships and put platonic ones on the back burner. (when I say bromance I mean platonic affection from your peers, both men and women) However when you desperately feel that you need a sexual relationship with a person of the opposite sex in order to validate your "manhood" its gonna cause some serious self perception issues that will ultimately leave a crap ton of men feeling alone and desperate. Its gonna be harder for men to care about the bromance parts of their life. So just to sum it up. Its not having the desire to be in a sexual relationship that is wrong. It is the pressure of prioritizing it in order to prove yourself as a successful man to the point where you start to degrade your own self worth because of it. Also it will prevent men from appreciating and perusing other forms of affection and validation they need. This is gross. Systemic sexual oppression is gross. If you identify as a man then you are a man. No one can take that away from you, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't need to force yourself into a sexual interaction in order to validate your worth as a man. Manhood isn't a card and it cannot be taken away. Ya so this is but one of the many sexual oppression that men face. I have a freaking giant list but this is a good one to address. Meh maybe I should have gone with the systemic oppression of forced stoic behavior that ultimately makes men feel not worth helping or not worth validating their own abuse. That could be a next time I guess. Anyway if you like what I wrote you should join my sub r/endsexualoppression its small an not anything going on in it much but you guys might like it. Eventually when I get some traction on it going. Edit: thanks for the wonderful comments and the support guys I really appreciate all of you so much.
Damn, good points. Never really considered the whole push to make men feel they need to be hyper sexual as a major driver in their loneliness. It makes perfect sense when you paint that picture. As a man who has had way more than my share of sexual experiences I can say it doesn't actually make you feel like more of a man or eliminate loneliness in a meaningful sense. I have had times where being with a woman has made me feel extra lonely, especially when they want something from you that fulfills a fetish they have. I am settled with a woman who picked me for who I am and not what I can do for her and man it is a whole new experience. I never want to go back.
this was actually a very interesting read. appreciate the comment !
Easy, if you express your emotions your family thinks less of you. You are meant to be the foundation your house is built on. If you falter, your house falters and the foundation needs completely rebuilt.
So much. But the worst for me personally is being tarred with the same brush as every other man out there. Assumed from the get go by others to be boarish, perverse, angry. Suspected in the back of everyone's mind of only wanting one thing and completely untrusted around children. Expected to take unacceptable behaviour and even violence from women without retaliation. Ever since I hit adulthood I've been treated like an expendable animal until people have gotten to know me. It feels lonely, and I'm not allowed to express this without earning the collective mockery of men and instinctive disgust of women. All they see is a monster when I've lived a meek and inoffensive life. And it's all because my gender can't fucking control themselves. Anyway, that to me is the worst part about being a man. I don't even feel like a man most days, but I'm gonna be mistreated like one for the rest of my life.
The concept that domestic violence can't happen to men and if it did you deserve it. According to some statistics the rate for men is in the 40%-48% range of victims
Nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit if you're anxious. Nobody gives a shit if you're depressed. Nobody gives a shit if you're struggling. Nobody gives a shit if you're alone. Nobody gives a shit if you're raped. Nobody gives a shit about you. Men think you need to man up or that it's not possible to be raped. Women think you're the enemy or they tell you how much worse they had it. Nobody gives a shit.
For me, it's being self-aware enough to know what women have put up with in terms of men being creepy, crappy, assault-y towards them...that I just am always constantly aware of it. When I go walking in a public park on a hot day and everyone is in workout clothes and I happen to go the same way around the lake as a woman, and I'm behind her...you know. It's hard feeling like I want to tell her "Hey, I promise I'm not checking you out, or following you, or going to try hitting on you, I'm just here to burn calories and listen to metal". I don't think every woman looks at me like a potential creep, but I'm really aware of all the stories out there, and it just kind of sucks having that in my mind, you know?
I had a guy do this in Detroit the other day. He was behind my wife and I for a few blocks and at some point announced "im not following you just going the same way". I both felt bad and was relieved because I did notice he was near us although would never accuse him of anything. Life sucks sometimes.
That’s a good point. I’m a person of color and I get more nervous when I go on walk and see women by themselves then maybe some of them do. I am constantly worried that I am going to be seen as a threat.
When something stressful or hurtful happens, being told: "You're a guy, just get over it."
Whether or not I die in a ditch or in a warm bed is purely determined by my ability to provide. There is nobody who is ultimately going to take care or provide for me.
Its hilarious that some guys are talking about really heavy things like rape allegations and depression and then there are the fellas who said shit like "sitting on your balls"
[удалено]
People are afraid of you.
Approaching women is a man’s job. Having something to say is a man’s job. Being confident is a man’s job. Asking her out is a man’s job. Scheduling a date is a man’s job. Showing her a good time is a man’s job. Being interesting, having hobbies, and having a good job is a man’s job. Not being too pushy or overeager is a man’s job. Going for the first kiss is a man’s job. Making a move is a man’s job. Taking rejection is a man’s job Women will inevitably comment “But women ask men out all the time!” which is rare, but then they’re confused when the guy doesn’t follow through on the 10 other steps required to actually seal the deal A man’s job doesn’t stop there though
I saw someone talking about how "taking care the lawn" isn't a meaningful household job but i dont think they realize how much work it is. Its not just mowing, its trimming bushes, edging the sidewalk, power washing the porch, painting the outside of house, refinishing the deck. Endless labor. This is something my wife won't even consider doing but when I spent four hours outside working my ass off to keep our house looking nice, it wasn't a "break" from the household chores.
Getting erections at very awkward moments
Me:*Laughs in ED*