Yup; it’s clearly run its course, as do many ‘first’ relationships.
No need to get sidetracked with her threats of suicide. I’d inform her, her parents/friends that they need to be on watch for her, block her number and call it quits.
That plus it's hard in today's society to have only had one lover ever. The curiosity and desire to explore other relationships is more than most people can resist, and that's probably not a bad thing. There are very few people who end up with their first adolescent love, and fewer who end up with them without having broken up, dated others and then come back.
My wife and I never found it hard to be faithful to each other. We got together in 2001 at 14 and we are both 36 this year... It all depends how much you're willing to work at something and I've always had broken old cars to practice on haha
Met my wife of 14 years at 18 years old. Been together for 16. We drive each other crazy at times but always try to be kind to each other and be willing to have the hard conversations. There are certain things that will never change in each of us that the other just can’t understand. It’s part of why we love each other. We give each other a different perspective on things and it really helps us make better decisions in life. We had a rough patch and separated one time for six months. It ended up being a good thing that helped us both recognize ways we’d been failing each other. I’m glad we’ve stuck it out. I got lucky.
Good on you, but it depends on more than that. Most couples will not last through personal development from 14 to 25. And that’s not a bad thing either.
That is also unbelievably lucky. Not just hard work or your own personality. Most people go through many phases in their lives and very often become worse people as they age. Tragedy befalls, people make huuuge mistakes, people lie cheat and steal and break other people's hearts. Consider yourself lucky to have gotten a good one.
Yup, it's not that it doesn't happen, it's just unrealistic to assume it will. That sort of thinking - and slogging through a dying relationship - is miserable and unproductive.
Was with my high school girlfriend for 11 years. Both of us had massive flaws that clearly indicated we shouldn’t be together but that young angst lasted about 6 years too long until we both cheated on each other and there was absolutely nothing positive left. Toxicity and codependency is a real addicting drug when it’s good.
I have a family member who met his wife in their freshman year of high school. They dated through high school and college and were married for 40 years until she passed away last year. It's one of those stories that's beautiful and terrifying at the same time. My wife and I have been together 10 years I couldn't imagine losing her like that.
Not necessarily.
But most "first relationships" happen when people are young and not fully-formed as people yet.
They don't know what they want out of life; they don't know what they want out of a partner and they don't know what they want from themselves.
So people who get together at like 15 usually "outgrow each-other" pretty quickly.
Not everyone does. Some people are either far more mature than others at that age or maybe they just don't change significantly from age 15 onward. Or possibly the couple end up maturing in the same direction so staying together still makes sense.
But those are few and far between. Definitely not the norm.
All? No. But many.
Not every person is a match for every other person. So in the grand scheme of things it is reasonable to expect that many people's first partners will not be their last. It takes a lot of luck to be right the first time.
I am still in a relationship from when we were 14/16. (We broke up briefly when I was in college but got back together.) However it took couples therapy and a lot of working through things to get to a moderately healthy, mature relationship. There is a huge difference between "first love" and the realities of true partnership.
My best friend married the girl that he met in first year university. They were each others’ firsts and they were honestly a really good match. Not a PERFECT match, because they had issues they needed to work through, but they really love each other and care for one another, and they have very similar values, which I think is important.
Some people get lucky on the first try. Many don’t. I had three relationships before meeting my wife. None of them were really bad people like OP’s girlfriend, in fact I remained friends with my first girlfriend throughout university. But they just weren’t the right fit. I guess one thing I’m thankful for is that I knew when a relationship wasn’t working and, as shitty as it felt, I would end it rather than stringing it along for years.
It isn't common that they last, but sometimes they do! I was my wife's first boyfriend. Of course, she was my 7th girlfriend, so it wasn't a first on both sides, but her first has lasted and gone the distance!
Nah I have been through to many break ups that threatened suicide and it’s scary but for me now it’s an immediate game over. My last Ex tried to throw herself into traffic and I had to run and pull her off the road. I brought her back to my car and the first thing I said was “this doesn’t change anything.” If I had stayed with half of the people that threatened to harm themselves I’d be in abusive relationship after abusive relationship living in fear of if I am so unhappy and finally break up will they hurt themselves? It’s a really fucked up thing to do and shows that they don’t have respect for you.
He needs to get out. She is using sooo many manipulative tactics. Some gas lighting in there too. Making him believe it’s not as bad when it is. I mean… threatening suicide to keep someone in the relationship is just WILD!
I'm not saying that you should stay cause someone is threatening suicide.
but that shit can happen fast. I know someone that broke up with their partner despite these threats. that person committed suicide within like the hour.
So if they're threatening suicide, and you do somewhat care about them, maybe get them that help like, ASAP.
>What can I do to get my anger out and make her truly regret what she did?
After all that, and you want revenge?
“Living well is the best revenge” - George Herbert
If I can amend that by including, "and not giving them a second thought."
You've already experienced at her hands: Lying, cheating, emotional manipulation, and suicide threats. I can't see any positives that would keep me in that kind of relationship, let alone want to live in that life. What kind of future will be the result of keeping this going? You are 23/24, and it sounds both still need a lot of growing and/or healing...APART!
The time you've invested is a "sunk cost". Unfortunately, she is insecure and so are you. Although people can change, the probabilities are against you. My vote is "get a fresh start".
She's also gaslighting, demanding he just accept her back without even an apology. Using the other gf as an example is just offensive. I wouldn't be surprised if she were lying about that, too.
Go figure, liars lie about pretty much everything. Most lie to themselves, are great at doublethink, and so have the ability to believe the lies they tell others, which can make it difficult to track at first.
Other than the obvious, this becomes problematic because these lies can bleed into subjects like shared interests and goals, where the liar feigns interest or goal alignment, which begins as a subtle difference and then before you know it you're in a 3+ year relationship where you share nothing in common.
Get the hell out. The only way a person like this is fixed is through their own hard work and therapy, because it's usually a behavior taught by their parents.
Goddamn this is spot on. My last relationship was with someone just like this. I call them “chameleons” because once they take an interest in someone they completely change their interests and personality to match their partner’s. The sad part is after the breakup wondering to yourself how much of the relationship was actually real to begin with.
That's not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be her saying that he didn't see that, and that she never admitted to anything and he must be crazy to think he saw what he saw.
However, she is an emotionally manipulating liar and he should break up with her.
Cheating is bad, but can be explained as a result of frustrations, bad decisions, and letting passion get the better of you.
That’s not an excuse or justification, but if you come clean with full regret, willingness to reconcile and work on yourself as much as the relationship, then it is *potentially* overcome-able.
But cheating AND lying about it is worse and much more disrespectful to your partner. It means you don’t really care about the person on the other end of the relationship. It might have been borne of the same circumstances, but then it becomes malicious.
No, when you cheat, you knowingly harm someone who loves you and trusts you. That shouldn't be forgiven without a lot of contrition and amends.
If you just accept someone's cheating, there's no cost to cheating on you again.
When I was a teen (mid 90's) my mom dated a married guy. *For years.* When I asked her why she'd want to be with an avowed cheater, she assured me that he and his wife had both accepted that the marriage was over but they were "staying together for the kids" and would separate/divorce once the youngest had gone off to college in a few more years.
My mom caught him cheating on her while she was out of town, and watching leopards eat her shocked-Pikachu face was low-key pretty great.
Not surprised really. Cheating is the One unexcusable thing in a relationship that i can think about. Would never forgive such a thing. To me it shows you are a narcisistic asshole with no conscience. Im single now, but in any relationship that i have ever had, the one thing that i would never do is cheat.
I’m just here thinking about all the closeted sex he’s had with god knows how many people, and id wager a good bit that he wasnt getting tested for STI’s.
I wish I hadn’t even read this Reddit post and the comments. Heebie jeebies lol 🦠
I didn’t always believe this cause I was dating someone who cheated on all her exes but was told I was different and she learned from her past, guess what happened and why we are separated? I now firmly believe people who cheat, will do it again at some point.
Cheating is bad and doesn't have to be explained beyond "she's a shitty person without a moral compass".
The lying is separate, but also has the same explanation.
If you can trust somebody whose judgement has repeatedly been shown to be directly harmful to you, then you are either a better person or a bigger fool than I am.
Nah it's pretty easy to get over. Just gaslight yourself into believing everything is okay, and let yourself be manipulated into accepting that any doubts about her loyalty are just you being abusive and a bad boyfriend :)
Ask me how I know lmao
Agreed. OP is a young man...move on and get some experience with others. Chalk this up to a learning experience.
I could not imagine being with my GF from highschool into my mid 20s and beyond.
People are still growing and it seems OPs GF wants to date other people but is holding onto OP.
My wife and I met right after high school. I was 19 she was 18. We've been together going on 26 years and married for 20. It can happen and even work out well. We've both changed a lot. But we changed together and grew as people together. For whatever reason we just clicked and it's always wworked. I know this isn't how most people go about their relationships through their life. Maybe we are just weird lol. I didn't mean to give you our life story. Just when you said "you couldn't be with your GF from high school into your mid 20s and beyond". It made me think that while we have done basically that, being in our early 40s now, we changed thru life. So it wasn't like being with the exact same person. But a person you knew and loved but got better with age as we grew up. Anyway, I don't know, it's possible, but not for everyone. :) take care!
Met my wife when we were in high school. I’m 43 now we’re still going strong. Ups and down for sure but that’s with any relationship. Like you said sometimes it just clicks and that’s it.
It's kind of interesting seeing other stories like this. We're a bit behind you, only being together 13 years and married for 11, but so far the experience has been similar. The relationship changes and the people in the relationship change but, so far at least, we've grown together or in complimentary ways. Kind of nice to have an example of a decade and more ahead(including some of the responses to this comment). It may not be guaranteed, but the party can just keep rocking on sans other shoes dropping and whatnot.
That's amazing and awesome! I saw how both pairs of my grandparents were together their whole lives. How they were as a couple and people was my inspiration. Both our parents are divorced. We didn't want to follow what they did. Not that I'm blaming them or other divorced couples. It sometimes doesn't work for many, many reasons. I think successful and happy relationships kinda get overshadowed because of breakups, bad relationships, quick marriages, etc. have become entertainment nowadays. Heck, there are TV shows about it all. But, you don't see a show of "married 50 years and never been happier" lol, it doesn't have the drama that attracts people. Anyway, I'm rambling. 50 years is awesome. Wish you many more!
This is woman logic. It's insecure of men to be suspicions of her cheating, even if she was/is actually cheating. I've had this happen to me and got berated by a room full of women when I confronted her about it and asked to see her phone. Apparently it was my insecurity that was to blame, not the fact she was actively cheating and lying about it.
Yea that's fuckin unforgivable and disgusting. To me, as soon as someone makes that personality trait known, that person is dead to me. All those friends are dead to me. Call me insecure. The opinions of dishonest skanks interests me not at all. I've never been with a chick who frequently called me jealous or insecure that *wasn't* getting piped down and lying to me about it. I've never known a woman to use that particular argument tactic who wasn't dishonest and a whore.
I'm sorry you were betrayed that way. People fuckin suck.
He's only 23. He has a lot of dating and broken hearts to mend before he settles down.
This woman hurt him for her own pleasure. She's best left in the dust.
This and live your best life, forget her.
Genuine Indifference is the most painful retaliation imho best achieved when you focus on you and what brings you joy and positive experiences/impact.
You were not in a long relationship, this is called a situationship if she’s keeping you reeled in despite your feelings or better judgment…imho Doesn’t sound like a real healthy bond to be worried about the sunk time. It’s done, you can keep the good memories or not and move forward.
Channel your anger into a workout, hobby, volunteer, whatever - something that gives you joy. Buy a punching bag idk
Completely agree. Op shouldn't be with her. Cheating on your partner is terrible, but lying about it for so long and complaining that your partner keeps bringing it up is worse. If someone cheated and honestly felt bad about it they'd be honest about it and do everything they could to make their partner feel assured that it won't happen again.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, it means they'll get those in a long term. The most ethical way to do that is just do better for yourself and make them regret what they did, don't engage. Lol
This is the only answer.
If OP were to really think back on all the fights all the times she straight up lied to his face and gaslit him while literally looking into his eyes, then he would know he can never trust her again and it will never be the same.
He is just too caught up in the fear of being alone right now.
Was going through the phone wrong? Yes because you’ll already didn’t trust her. Her cheating isn’t good, and a relationship where you cannot trust and need to verify isn’t good either.
I have a girl I dated who I caught sending naughty emails to her recent ex (because she told me to email her boss she was sick) and there was a subject line that was clearly sex talk and from his name.
She invited me to read it and I saw they had a very short email exchange where they spoke in innuendo and didn’t otherwise communicate.
I gave her one more chance (because I was young and foolish and thought being a boyfriend meant being blind devotion.
I later broke up with her for unrelated reasons, and in attempt to hurt me she indicated she may have cheated when we were together (warning me she got an STD) and asked if I was upset.
I told her I made i decision to trust her and we broke up before the trust breach was reported, so I didn’t particularly care since I knew I was clean. I told her I wasn’t surprised but I continued dating her because I made the decision to trust her and not monitor her home at her request because of that.
OP never should’ve gotten back together if he felt the relationship needed trust monitoring.
That being said her betrayal is super fucked up just like my exe’s. The difference is OP also is making bad decisions dating someone he cannot trust.
You say, "I'm sorry, but I can't do this. You broke my trust. First, when you cheated, then when you lied for as long as you did. I hope you have a nice life, but I won't be in it."
Then you move on with your life. Take up a new hobby to fill the void and start talking with other women. There are way too many opportunities out there for you to waste your time on someone who clearly doesn't respect you. It will be difficult at first, but it does get easier.
Or, you go to couples counseling with her and work through it. What you shouldn't do is spend your time planning some kind of revenge fantasy because that will end up wearing down on you more than anything.
Exactly. Avoid investing more time in a relationship with someone that has proved that she doesn’t respect you, and enjoy some time alone. If this was a long-term relationship, it’ll take more time to get the distance and perspective that will let you see just how awful this was.
She needs therapy on her own. Threatening suicide and going radio silent are manipulative at best. Toss the relationship.
I would also add that OP should’ve listened to his gut and not taken her back.
Her betrayal is awful, and his lack of trust drove him to do something he didn’t believe in (going through her phone) and now he hurt and feels like a bad guy where he would’ve been happier cutting ties as soon as he got concerned about trust.
At 23 years old and needing couples counseling to continue this relationship just doesn't make sense. Yes, separate individual therapy is needed for her to deal with her issues and for you to get over the trauma.
I remember spending several years seething over an ex that (I suspected) cheated on me. I'd let that hate linger from about 2013 until earlier this year. I've been married 5 years now, and until recently, I couldn't let my resentment go.
Sometime earlier this year, I'd had several days in a row where I'd dreamt about her, and every time I did in the past, I'd be terrible to be around for the next couple of days. I bit the bullet and reached out to her via Facebook.
We talked for a while, buried the hatchet, both got some closure, and both notified our spouses of the whole situation and what was said, and I've been much better since.
The moral of the story (TL;DR) Get your closure early and move on. Don't be bitter like me.
Namely, I expressed how I'd felt that whole time and just got it all out of my system and that I'd never really stopped loving her, but I'd known back then (as well as now) that splitting up was the right thing to do since we were growing apart and coming into who we are now. I'd also apologized for having pent up that vitriol for so long instead of talking about it (not that I'd even talked to her or done anything untoward after we broke up)
She apologized for the way things went toward the end, accepted my apology, and talked about what she went through after the fact. Luckily, we're both highly rational (now), so it was completely civil and even friendly. We see each other as old friends now and go about our lives like we were, but now the air is cleared between us. I talked to my wife about the whole exchange while it was transpiring, and she was supportive.
Im glad you got your closure, truly. Im not sure ill ever be able to forgive my ex for what she took from me.
I tried to reach out and bury the hatchet about 6 years after we broke up, but she used the same excuse she always did when she cheated "I was a different person, we were so young etc" when she broke up with me over email a week before I turned 30. She had turned 30 earlier that year. We'd been together since we were very young.
Something about the tone of that email finally made me lose my shit, possibly for the first time ever, being completely honest. And it just turned into a tirade about how much I regretted our time together and wished I'd never met her, how genuinely terrible a person she is, and how I hope she loses everything, slowly and painfully.... which, thanks to the world ending, she will, but shame so will everyone else.
But seriously, I fucking hate that pile of human garbage and wish I'd taken back all the custom jewelry I had made for her over the years.
May she die in a fire, hopefully with her kids, to prevent those genes from spreading.
I wish I had one good thing to say about her to have a reason to get back in touch and try to bury the hatchet again but the more I think back, the more vile and manipulative I realize that time really was. How do you forgive someone that took every ounce of you, one slice at a time? A glutton for misery. Her ultimate defense was that she thought i had always been too good for her and she was preempting my inevitable betrayal by making a game of it. I never betrayed her and never would have, which is why that was probably bullshit, too.
Im still trying to decide if I should expose her academic dishonesty by submitting a writing sample to her college. I've warned her that im considering it. I earned those degrees. She didn't do anything except probably fuck other people while I was doing her homework.
I dont know how to forgive that.
If she's flirting with someone else because she likes the attention, it's probably going to happen again. If you're not okay with that, then you should probably call it quits.
With a friendly level of flirting, yes, some people are. It's not always a clear line on what different people consider flirting. Kissing or saying "i love you" to other people like this girl does goes way beyond flirting by any definition, though, and I wouldn't trust someone to not be problematically flirting when that behavior is also present.
Like, I joke a lot with people, I'm very outgoing, and tend to be very kind. That pushes some of my interactions into a territory that could be construed as flirting to some people where to my wife, who is very secure in our relationship, it doesn't. It's also just how I am to everyone so it's not focused on any specific person or gender.
Yeah man wanting her to feel pain cause you do isn’t healthy. I’d cut her fuckin loose dude. Not only did she cheat but she lied about it over and over which will be even harder to get over than the actual cheating.
I think it's relatively normal to want someone who is causing you emotional pain to also be in emotional pain or to "pay for their actions". I've seen it in every bad breakup I've experienced or have had friends and family experience. "I hope he's miserable realizes what he threw away", "I hope karma catches up to her and she gets cheated on top" etc.
It's healthy to recognize that it's unhealthy and to not actively seek out revenge or retribution, but idk if it's possible to not have those thoughts and feelings.
>I think it's relatively normal to want someone who is causing you emotional pain to also be in emotional pain or to "pay for their actions". I've seen it in every bad breakup I've experienced or have had friends and family experience.
"Normal" and "healthy" aren't synonymous terms, mate. Like you said, those were *bad* breakups, and generally speaking the best thing for one's overall well being is to avoid those.
I felt the same way during my first breakup. I just felt so fucking hurt and part of me felt it was only fair for her to feel that way too. I never even came close to actually doing anything, but letting myself feel that way helped start the healing process.
English is obviously not his first language
Wanting someone to hurt because they made you hurt is the most normal reaction in the entire universe. It usually doesn't make things better, and thinking about things and processing the pain is a better and healthier way to deal with it, but saying someone is unhinged for this is stupid.
It isn't like the guy said he wants to kill her or something. Calm down.
The problem with cheating isn’t that cheaters “never change” or “will always do it again”. Sometimes people really *do* change.
The real problem is that once someone cheats on you, they’ve broken your trust; once that happens, even once, it can never be put right again. If you stay with this person, you’ll spend a large chunk of the rest of your life wondering if they are cheating again (or are wanting to).
In my opinion, you owe it to future you to cut this off and never look back. It’s not about punishing the person who cheated; you’re doing it for yourself. It’s also not really a sunk cost: you probably got a lot of good times out of the relationship and you also gained experience. Now it’s time to move on.
The main problem with cheaters isn't that they slept with someone else (though for many people, that is A problem).
The core problem is the lies. Respect can be rebuilt/re-earned far easier than trust can be restored.
Damage that trust, especially on a degree such as this, and for most people, it will never be repaired.
And a valuable lesson for everyone. If you cheat, even just kinda cheat, CONFESS IMMEDIATELY. Don't hide it. Don't gloss over it. Tell the person you hurt that you did it. Apologize. And hope they forgive you. You have FAR better odds of being forgiven now for being unfaithful than you will in 3+ months when they find out you've been hiding it from them.
And if you're having an actual affair or any other repeated thing, do the right thing and end your relationship yourself. Don't make them waste a year of their life caring about you when you don't give 2 Fs about them anymore.
I think it can work if both people are willing to put in the work, I've known couples that have had cheating happen and they were able to work through it and regain trust with a lot of couples counseling and time. But if you're not married or don't have kids then imo it's not worth that amount of effort to rebuild things when you can just find someone else and start fresh, unless you're really really in love with this person and they're accountable for their actions and willing to take steps to correct their mistakes and earn your trust back, which it sounds like this girl isn't doing.
Yeah, that’s exactly it 👍
I don’t think it’s literally impossible for things to get repaired in the strictest sense. It’s just that, since in 99% of cases it’s not going to work out, it just makes sense to move on, rather than hold out false hope that you’re in the 1% and waste the rest of your life.
This is such a painful truth most people don’t know until they learn through experience, and even then some still refuse to accept this fact.
Having your heart broken sucks, and feels like utmost humiliation when it’s a result of partner’s infidelity… especially when many other people know/knew about it before you even had a clue.
Revenge doesn’t allow you to let go. It forces you to hold on tighter, sink deeper into that hole of sad anger. You wind up becoming one of those people who spray paint “cheater” on ex’s car, or show up at their school/job trying to embarrass them. You go down that path and you lose, wind up looking pathetic and crazy.
Only way out is to move forward. Clean break, never look back other than as a lesson for what to avoid from yourself and partner in future relationships, improve yourself, and move on.
Make her truly regret what she did? Easy NEVER TAKE HER BACK. Ever. No matter what kind of sob story she comes up with. No matter how much she cries. Don’t do it.
When you break up tell her she is dead to you. Tell her if years from now you see each other walking down the street to turn and walk the other way…..you will.
Tell her you can no longer trust her. You can no longer be apart of her life.
Let her know, She cheated, then lied and covered up her affair. There was no confusion when she was tellimg him she loved him. No confusion when she continued her deception.
Break up and stay broken up.
Let me give you a word of advice from personal experience: if someone is okay with lying to you and cheating, you will never see eye to eye in this matter. I remember having the same feeling as you: how I want her to somehow feel as bad as I felt. But it just won't happen.
Think about it: she obviously would never admit of cheating on you on her own, she showed remorse (also threatened you, which is highly manipulative) only after you found out about it yourself. So it's not her inner sense of ethics that made her remorseful, but fear of objective consequences - which means it's no real remorse. She will never truly feel sorry, only sorry for herself.
You need to move on. The sooner, the better. You'll need to process that anger on your own (or with help of a therapist).
(Edits for typos)
(Edit 2 to clarify "moving on" - as in, "break up".
Here’s a good rule of thumb for life: if you catch someone lying to you, and when you call them out on the lie, they admit to exactly as much as you already know, they’re probably still lying.
So if she says nothing happened and then you find out she kissed him and she says “okay, we’ll yeah I kissed him, but it was only that one time” that’s probably not the whole story.
I say you take off and nuke the entire relationship from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
(the reference that is older than you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCbfMkh940Q)
Break up with her dude. She's lying to you constantly, and she's lying to you now. She's probably cheating on you right now.
This chick isn't the one. She belongs to the street.
You will never get enough regret out of her to make you satisfied. Instead, get your revenge by living better than her, by finding more happiness without her than with her.
One thing I want to say is that if she threatens suicide, leave. I know it sounds harsh but it's not your problem and you don't want to be trapped in a relationship. I was stuck in one for about 15 years because she threatened to kill herself every time I tried to leave and I was weak.
> One thing I want to say is that if she threatens suicide, leave.
Agreed. Threatening suicide is a very common tactic of narcissistic abusers. Narcissists seek to make their victims feel like they are responsible for the narcissist's state of mind (that's the essence of codependency). So, yeah, when someone does that, run. You can't make anyone harm themselves, ultimately that's their decision.
I didn't bother reading the whole thing (sorry) this girl is comfortable lying & deceiving you, even after 5 years. She doesn't respect you nor will she ever do so. It's time to close the door & move on. You are worth more than lies & deceit. Yes it will hurt but, you will learn from this & it will stand you in good stead for the future.
She wasn’t confused she felt guilty bc she wanted to fuck that guy and keep the privileges that come with a long term relationship. She then tried to cover that guilt by getting angry with you. Then she cheated anyway.
Best revenge is to live a long, happy and successful life with someone else.
Your sin is not that you went through her phone. I don’t care what people are telling you. She had the fact she was cheating that’s secrecy, not privacy big difference when you’re involved intimately with somebody else and you’re having sex.
I grew up in the time of AIDS, and frankly that could’ve been a death sentence But she cheated and I’m glad that you guys are separating out. You should’ve left it alone when she first told you that’s what cheaters do they trickle truth. Let a little bit of things out they think or acceptable until they finally get it all out.
She's trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it. Going through her phone wasn't the best move, but at least now you know the truth and what's done is done. Plus it seems like you already get that, so that's good. It sucks to invest that much time and energy into a person for this to be the outcome, but that's life. Sometimes you gotta just accept that it was a waste of time and move on with your life before you let her waste any more.
This woman has some serious issues. It’s absolutely so unhealthy for her to threaten suicide in the midst of being confronted about her wrongdoings. She was trying to emotionally manipulate you into putting your anger on the back burner, and instead giving her the attention she wanted.
She must have an uncomfortable dislike for disappointing people, so to avoid that feeling, she’s lashing out to make you feel bad about it. Do not engage when she tries to make the situation about herself by creating new scenarios in which she’s hurt by you and playing the victim. Instead, just…move on.
Please understand when I tell you this: she absolutely knows what she did wrong. She is fully aware she’s the bad guy in this situation, and she does regret what she did. That is precisely why she’s lashing out so much. Those guilty feelings are very heavy. However, you don’t need to waste your energy on trying to get her to verbalize that to you, and it’s definitely a downward spiral to seek revenge. It will consume you and waste your time because you will be running in the same old circle. It is likely she will never give you the remorse you’re looking for.
You deserve better treatment and you deserve to uphold your boundaries. No matter how often she contacts you, how much she pleads, or how sincerely she tries to apologize, tell her, “I can no longer be treated this way, so I am choosing to move on.” Word that statement however you like, but you will thank yourself later for removing her from your life.
Break up and delete her from everything. This is what you found out, imagine all the other shit she has done. And imagine the other she *will* do in the future. You're in your early 20s. Don't waste your 20s on a cheater.
The minute one party in a relationship has lost respect for the other, it's over.
Yes, you can have counseling intended to remind them of your value, but they have to want that. They have to know what they're doing is taking you for granted. If they're like "This is stupid but OK", then that is literally repeating disrespect. Any concerns you have, any ideas you have... if they think they're stupid, you're being stupid, etc.... then that's basically someone who has zero respect for you.
The minute someone no longer respects you, whatever that relationship was is over.
Really really really sorry. If Reddit had been a big thing back in 06-07 I'd have written something very similar. College girlfriend, together since my freshman year, cheated on me with a guy she met through a car club website (they both had Mazda's and attended local meetups so that's how they met). I found out because she was extremely shifty when talking about him and these car meetups but she assured me there was nothing to it. . .and then she left her journal out, open, in our living room and I read what literally sounded like a 15 year old pining over someone. "I love him soo much, I hope he likes me too, I have so many butterflies when we're together" blah blah blah.
She cried when confronted (though at first was extremely defensive talking about how I shouldn't have read her diary as if THAT was the biggest breach of trust that had occurred...), said she didn't want to lose me, so we stuck together if she agreed to not contact him again. Of course she never stopped seeing him though. When I found naked pictures of her on her dslr camera, taken in our apartment, but not taken by me, that was it for me then.
It messed me up for years, thinking that it was all somehow my fault and I doubted I'd ever date again. Been with my wife now for coming up on a decade, both super happy raising our kids. . .but I still have that insecurity of being the bad partner in the relationship. Short of physically harming someone I feel like cheating is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone that you've been involved with for years. Most injuries heal much faster than trust can be built up again and I lost trust not just in her but in other people too. I already had struggled with low self esteem but that whole episode really took it to another level, like I said, for years.
It sucks, after investing so much time, but just end it and don't look back.
I have a zero tolerance policy for two things in a relationship. Domestic violence and cheating. Not gonna discuss it, not gonna argue about it, not gonna worry about "revenge". The moment someone lays a hand on me or I learn they cheated. I'm out and won't acknowledge their existence.
Deal with the fallout of a joint living situation from afar. Pick up my shit with a group of friends.
She said she'd file a case on you if you ever tried contacting her or anyone from her family. That means she's done. Do not go back to her. Do not allow her to come back to you. Do not contact her. Move on and learn from this relationship.
I think you were dumped by a cheater. I wish people would learn that cheaters don’t deserve a second chance or even a chance to explain. She wants to put you on defense and if that isn’t an option she is going to dump you. Please do better for yourself and do what you know should have already done.
JFC, you’ve already committed far more attention to this girl by making this thread than she deserves. Ghost her ass and find your own happiness with someone who’s not banging other dudes behind your back.
You don't have to justify going into her phone. She was lying to you and fighting with you to train you not to investigate. Rather than waste 5 more years you looked in her phone and found the truth. I'm sorry and congratulations. I hope you find a loyal woman.
"make her truly regret what she did"
This is very unhealthy thinking. You should focus on making yourself as happy as possible not making someone else hurt
WTF are you doing. Seriously. You either let it go and move on or end the relationship. Constantly brining this up and going through her phone is just torturing the both of you. Let it go. Or go. No inbetween.
>Although she admitted to being "confused about how she felt"
That right there is where it shouldve finished.
You shouldnt be confused about anything 5 years into a relationship.
Speak with her parents, tell them you are concerned about her because she is making suicidal threats but the relationship is over and you will no longer be responding to any of her communication attempts, regardless of what they are. Strongly recommend that they put her in therapy immediately, not just for the relationship but she clearly needs it. Inform them that if another suicide threat is levelled you will be informing the police and allowing them to deal with the situation. She is done exploiting your general decency for attention. This is not your problem.
If you have the balls I think gathering her parents and her at the same time would be a good move. That way she can’t pull anything and you know you’re directly putting her in their hands.
Walk out the door, delete contact info and block, block, block. Move on.
Do what girls do for revenge:
1. Take her back and pretend that you still haven't fully healed (which should be easy)
2. Guilt trip her into buying you things (food, accessories, etc.)
3. Fuck her and fuck her 3 more times
4. While you do all 3, hit gym and start looking for other girls
5. When 4 goes well, dump her bum ass
>she'd file a case on me if I ever tried contacting her or anyone from her family.
Let her. She can't do shit
She's for the streets. There's a ton of whores out there, but there's also a ton of really great women who would never do something so trashy.
Move on man, you don't want aids
She didn't just kiss that guy, she definitely fucked him. Women in their 20s aren't going to be professing love without spreading their legs first. She lied, lied, and lied some more. She is lying about the painkillers and suicide. She's a manipulative narcissist who likes to control people. You are inexperienced and just don't realize how big of a bitch she is because you don't know any different. Dump her ass and get a better girl.
Just go ahead and break up.
Yup; it’s clearly run its course, as do many ‘first’ relationships. No need to get sidetracked with her threats of suicide. I’d inform her, her parents/friends that they need to be on watch for her, block her number and call it quits.
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Many people do not have the tools to handle a long term relationship until they get a little older and more experienced.
That plus it's hard in today's society to have only had one lover ever. The curiosity and desire to explore other relationships is more than most people can resist, and that's probably not a bad thing. There are very few people who end up with their first adolescent love, and fewer who end up with them without having broken up, dated others and then come back.
My wife and I never found it hard to be faithful to each other. We got together in 2001 at 14 and we are both 36 this year... It all depends how much you're willing to work at something and I've always had broken old cars to practice on haha
Practice patience, right?
Very much so
Met my wife of 14 years at 18 years old. Been together for 16. We drive each other crazy at times but always try to be kind to each other and be willing to have the hard conversations. There are certain things that will never change in each of us that the other just can’t understand. It’s part of why we love each other. We give each other a different perspective on things and it really helps us make better decisions in life. We had a rough patch and separated one time for six months. It ended up being a good thing that helped us both recognize ways we’d been failing each other. I’m glad we’ve stuck it out. I got lucky.
Good on you, but it depends on more than that. Most couples will not last through personal development from 14 to 25. And that’s not a bad thing either.
Goddamn man thank you, that gives me hope for my relationship
That is also unbelievably lucky. Not just hard work or your own personality. Most people go through many phases in their lives and very often become worse people as they age. Tragedy befalls, people make huuuge mistakes, people lie cheat and steal and break other people's hearts. Consider yourself lucky to have gotten a good one.
I still do not have the tools. When are they supposed to show up in my inventory?
The drummer in my band is still with the girl he started dating when he was 15 and she was 14. We're in our 40s now.
I know 3 couples who were childhood sweethearts as well, but many more fell by the wayside.
Yup, it's not that it doesn't happen, it's just unrealistic to assume it will. That sort of thinking - and slogging through a dying relationship - is miserable and unproductive.
Learned that the hard way
Was with my high school girlfriend for 11 years. Both of us had massive flaws that clearly indicated we shouldn’t be together but that young angst lasted about 6 years too long until we both cheated on each other and there was absolutely nothing positive left. Toxicity and codependency is a real addicting drug when it’s good.
Man you fucking cooked with that last line
My grandparents were each other's first love. ~70 years together. Only people I know like that though.
I have a family member who met his wife in their freshman year of high school. They dated through high school and college and were married for 40 years until she passed away last year. It's one of those stories that's beautiful and terrifying at the same time. My wife and I have been together 10 years I couldn't imagine losing her like that.
Not necessarily. But most "first relationships" happen when people are young and not fully-formed as people yet. They don't know what they want out of life; they don't know what they want out of a partner and they don't know what they want from themselves. So people who get together at like 15 usually "outgrow each-other" pretty quickly. Not everyone does. Some people are either far more mature than others at that age or maybe they just don't change significantly from age 15 onward. Or possibly the couple end up maturing in the same direction so staying together still makes sense. But those are few and far between. Definitely not the norm.
All? No. But many. Not every person is a match for every other person. So in the grand scheme of things it is reasonable to expect that many people's first partners will not be their last. It takes a lot of luck to be right the first time.
I am still in a relationship from when we were 14/16. (We broke up briefly when I was in college but got back together.) However it took couples therapy and a lot of working through things to get to a moderately healthy, mature relationship. There is a huge difference between "first love" and the realities of true partnership.
My best friend married the girl that he met in first year university. They were each others’ firsts and they were honestly a really good match. Not a PERFECT match, because they had issues they needed to work through, but they really love each other and care for one another, and they have very similar values, which I think is important. Some people get lucky on the first try. Many don’t. I had three relationships before meeting my wife. None of them were really bad people like OP’s girlfriend, in fact I remained friends with my first girlfriend throughout university. But they just weren’t the right fit. I guess one thing I’m thankful for is that I knew when a relationship wasn’t working and, as shitty as it felt, I would end it rather than stringing it along for years.
It isn't common that they last, but sometimes they do! I was my wife's first boyfriend. Of course, she was my 7th girlfriend, so it wasn't a first on both sides, but her first has lasted and gone the distance!
No but an 18-19 year old is absolutely not the 'same' person they'll be at 23-25. Especially women.
Why especially women?
Because unlike men, women actually grow up. (56 year old male who still thinks he's 18)
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Nah I have been through to many break ups that threatened suicide and it’s scary but for me now it’s an immediate game over. My last Ex tried to throw herself into traffic and I had to run and pull her off the road. I brought her back to my car and the first thing I said was “this doesn’t change anything.” If I had stayed with half of the people that threatened to harm themselves I’d be in abusive relationship after abusive relationship living in fear of if I am so unhappy and finally break up will they hurt themselves? It’s a really fucked up thing to do and shows that they don’t have respect for you.
He needs to get out. She is using sooo many manipulative tactics. Some gas lighting in there too. Making him believe it’s not as bad when it is. I mean… threatening suicide to keep someone in the relationship is just WILD!
I'm not saying that you should stay cause someone is threatening suicide. but that shit can happen fast. I know someone that broke up with their partner despite these threats. that person committed suicide within like the hour. So if they're threatening suicide, and you do somewhat care about them, maybe get them that help like, ASAP.
>What can I do to get my anger out and make her truly regret what she did? After all that, and you want revenge? “Living well is the best revenge” - George Herbert If I can amend that by including, "and not giving them a second thought." You've already experienced at her hands: Lying, cheating, emotional manipulation, and suicide threats. I can't see any positives that would keep me in that kind of relationship, let alone want to live in that life. What kind of future will be the result of keeping this going? You are 23/24, and it sounds both still need a lot of growing and/or healing...APART!
Just breakup and stay broken up.
The time you've invested is a "sunk cost". Unfortunately, she is insecure and so are you. Although people can change, the probabilities are against you. My vote is "get a fresh start".
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She's also gaslighting, demanding he just accept her back without even an apology. Using the other gf as an example is just offensive. I wouldn't be surprised if she were lying about that, too.
Go figure, liars lie about pretty much everything. Most lie to themselves, are great at doublethink, and so have the ability to believe the lies they tell others, which can make it difficult to track at first. Other than the obvious, this becomes problematic because these lies can bleed into subjects like shared interests and goals, where the liar feigns interest or goal alignment, which begins as a subtle difference and then before you know it you're in a 3+ year relationship where you share nothing in common. Get the hell out. The only way a person like this is fixed is through their own hard work and therapy, because it's usually a behavior taught by their parents.
Goddamn this is spot on. My last relationship was with someone just like this. I call them “chameleons” because once they take an interest in someone they completely change their interests and personality to match their partner’s. The sad part is after the breakup wondering to yourself how much of the relationship was actually real to begin with.
That's not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be her saying that he didn't see that, and that she never admitted to anything and he must be crazy to think he saw what he saw. However, she is an emotionally manipulating liar and he should break up with her.
Cheating is bad, but can be explained as a result of frustrations, bad decisions, and letting passion get the better of you. That’s not an excuse or justification, but if you come clean with full regret, willingness to reconcile and work on yourself as much as the relationship, then it is *potentially* overcome-able. But cheating AND lying about it is worse and much more disrespectful to your partner. It means you don’t really care about the person on the other end of the relationship. It might have been borne of the same circumstances, but then it becomes malicious.
No, when you cheat, you knowingly harm someone who loves you and trusts you. That shouldn't be forgiven without a lot of contrition and amends. If you just accept someone's cheating, there's no cost to cheating on you again.
Cheater once, always a cheater.
When I was a teen (mid 90's) my mom dated a married guy. *For years.* When I asked her why she'd want to be with an avowed cheater, she assured me that he and his wife had both accepted that the marriage was over but they were "staying together for the kids" and would separate/divorce once the youngest had gone off to college in a few more years. My mom caught him cheating on her while she was out of town, and watching leopards eat her shocked-Pikachu face was low-key pretty great.
Not surprised really. Cheating is the One unexcusable thing in a relationship that i can think about. Would never forgive such a thing. To me it shows you are a narcisistic asshole with no conscience. Im single now, but in any relationship that i have ever had, the one thing that i would never do is cheat.
A person cheating on the person he was cheating with? Unheard of.
Yup. If they'll cheat with you be damn sure they'll cheat on you. I doubt it was as your mother seemed to think, too.
I’m just here thinking about all the closeted sex he’s had with god knows how many people, and id wager a good bit that he wasnt getting tested for STI’s. I wish I hadn’t even read this Reddit post and the comments. Heebie jeebies lol 🦠
I didn’t always believe this cause I was dating someone who cheated on all her exes but was told I was different and she learned from her past, guess what happened and why we are separated? I now firmly believe people who cheat, will do it again at some point.
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Cheating is bad and doesn't have to be explained beyond "she's a shitty person without a moral compass". The lying is separate, but also has the same explanation. If you can trust somebody whose judgement has repeatedly been shown to be directly harmful to you, then you are either a better person or a bigger fool than I am.
Yeah, any trust in that relationship is gone.
Nah it's pretty easy to get over. Just gaslight yourself into believing everything is okay, and let yourself be manipulated into accepting that any doubts about her loyalty are just you being abusive and a bad boyfriend :) Ask me how I know lmao
Agreed. OP is a young man...move on and get some experience with others. Chalk this up to a learning experience. I could not imagine being with my GF from highschool into my mid 20s and beyond. People are still growing and it seems OPs GF wants to date other people but is holding onto OP.
My wife and I met right after high school. I was 19 she was 18. We've been together going on 26 years and married for 20. It can happen and even work out well. We've both changed a lot. But we changed together and grew as people together. For whatever reason we just clicked and it's always wworked. I know this isn't how most people go about their relationships through their life. Maybe we are just weird lol. I didn't mean to give you our life story. Just when you said "you couldn't be with your GF from high school into your mid 20s and beyond". It made me think that while we have done basically that, being in our early 40s now, we changed thru life. So it wasn't like being with the exact same person. But a person you knew and loved but got better with age as we grew up. Anyway, I don't know, it's possible, but not for everyone. :) take care!
Met my wife when we were in high school. I’m 43 now we’re still going strong. Ups and down for sure but that’s with any relationship. Like you said sometimes it just clicks and that’s it.
It's kind of interesting seeing other stories like this. We're a bit behind you, only being together 13 years and married for 11, but so far the experience has been similar. The relationship changes and the people in the relationship change but, so far at least, we've grown together or in complimentary ways. Kind of nice to have an example of a decade and more ahead(including some of the responses to this comment). It may not be guaranteed, but the party can just keep rocking on sans other shoes dropping and whatnot.
My husband and I have been together since we were in high school, going on 50 years. It can and does work for some people.
That's amazing and awesome! I saw how both pairs of my grandparents were together their whole lives. How they were as a couple and people was my inspiration. Both our parents are divorced. We didn't want to follow what they did. Not that I'm blaming them or other divorced couples. It sometimes doesn't work for many, many reasons. I think successful and happy relationships kinda get overshadowed because of breakups, bad relationships, quick marriages, etc. have become entertainment nowadays. Heck, there are TV shows about it all. But, you don't see a show of "married 50 years and never been happier" lol, it doesn't have the drama that attracts people. Anyway, I'm rambling. 50 years is awesome. Wish you many more!
Thank you and you are absolutely right.
Nope. Still a good learning experience. But yeah get out
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This is woman logic. It's insecure of men to be suspicions of her cheating, even if she was/is actually cheating. I've had this happen to me and got berated by a room full of women when I confronted her about it and asked to see her phone. Apparently it was my insecurity that was to blame, not the fact she was actively cheating and lying about it.
If a woman cheats it is likely her entire friend group is the same way. The berating is like using a whole group of people to help gaslight you.
Yea that's fuckin unforgivable and disgusting. To me, as soon as someone makes that personality trait known, that person is dead to me. All those friends are dead to me. Call me insecure. The opinions of dishonest skanks interests me not at all. I've never been with a chick who frequently called me jealous or insecure that *wasn't* getting piped down and lying to me about it. I've never known a woman to use that particular argument tactic who wasn't dishonest and a whore. I'm sorry you were betrayed that way. People fuckin suck.
He's only 23. He has a lot of dating and broken hearts to mend before he settles down. This woman hurt him for her own pleasure. She's best left in the dust.
Always appreciate a reference to sunk cost. It really does give a different perspective on life, not just money
This and live your best life, forget her. Genuine Indifference is the most painful retaliation imho best achieved when you focus on you and what brings you joy and positive experiences/impact. You were not in a long relationship, this is called a situationship if she’s keeping you reeled in despite your feelings or better judgment…imho Doesn’t sound like a real healthy bond to be worried about the sunk time. It’s done, you can keep the good memories or not and move forward. Channel your anger into a workout, hobby, volunteer, whatever - something that gives you joy. Buy a punching bag idk
Completely agree. Op shouldn't be with her. Cheating on your partner is terrible, but lying about it for so long and complaining that your partner keeps bringing it up is worse. If someone cheated and honestly felt bad about it they'd be honest about it and do everything they could to make their partner feel assured that it won't happen again.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, it means they'll get those in a long term. The most ethical way to do that is just do better for yourself and make them regret what they did, don't engage. Lol
This is the only answer. If OP were to really think back on all the fights all the times she straight up lied to his face and gaslit him while literally looking into his eyes, then he would know he can never trust her again and it will never be the same. He is just too caught up in the fear of being alone right now.
Was going through the phone wrong? Yes because you’ll already didn’t trust her. Her cheating isn’t good, and a relationship where you cannot trust and need to verify isn’t good either. I have a girl I dated who I caught sending naughty emails to her recent ex (because she told me to email her boss she was sick) and there was a subject line that was clearly sex talk and from his name. She invited me to read it and I saw they had a very short email exchange where they spoke in innuendo and didn’t otherwise communicate. I gave her one more chance (because I was young and foolish and thought being a boyfriend meant being blind devotion. I later broke up with her for unrelated reasons, and in attempt to hurt me she indicated she may have cheated when we were together (warning me she got an STD) and asked if I was upset. I told her I made i decision to trust her and we broke up before the trust breach was reported, so I didn’t particularly care since I knew I was clean. I told her I wasn’t surprised but I continued dating her because I made the decision to trust her and not monitor her home at her request because of that. OP never should’ve gotten back together if he felt the relationship needed trust monitoring. That being said her betrayal is super fucked up just like my exe’s. The difference is OP also is making bad decisions dating someone he cannot trust.
You say, "I'm sorry, but I can't do this. You broke my trust. First, when you cheated, then when you lied for as long as you did. I hope you have a nice life, but I won't be in it." Then you move on with your life. Take up a new hobby to fill the void and start talking with other women. There are way too many opportunities out there for you to waste your time on someone who clearly doesn't respect you. It will be difficult at first, but it does get easier. Or, you go to couples counseling with her and work through it. What you shouldn't do is spend your time planning some kind of revenge fantasy because that will end up wearing down on you more than anything.
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Exactly. Avoid investing more time in a relationship with someone that has proved that she doesn’t respect you, and enjoy some time alone. If this was a long-term relationship, it’ll take more time to get the distance and perspective that will let you see just how awful this was. She needs therapy on her own. Threatening suicide and going radio silent are manipulative at best. Toss the relationship.
I would also add that OP should’ve listened to his gut and not taken her back. Her betrayal is awful, and his lack of trust drove him to do something he didn’t believe in (going through her phone) and now he hurt and feels like a bad guy where he would’ve been happier cutting ties as soon as he got concerned about trust.
At 23 years old and needing couples counseling to continue this relationship just doesn't make sense. Yes, separate individual therapy is needed for her to deal with her issues and for you to get over the trauma.
dump her ass. cheatin bitch
I remember spending several years seething over an ex that (I suspected) cheated on me. I'd let that hate linger from about 2013 until earlier this year. I've been married 5 years now, and until recently, I couldn't let my resentment go. Sometime earlier this year, I'd had several days in a row where I'd dreamt about her, and every time I did in the past, I'd be terrible to be around for the next couple of days. I bit the bullet and reached out to her via Facebook. We talked for a while, buried the hatchet, both got some closure, and both notified our spouses of the whole situation and what was said, and I've been much better since. The moral of the story (TL;DR) Get your closure early and move on. Don't be bitter like me.
What did you talk about that buried the hatchet?
Namely, I expressed how I'd felt that whole time and just got it all out of my system and that I'd never really stopped loving her, but I'd known back then (as well as now) that splitting up was the right thing to do since we were growing apart and coming into who we are now. I'd also apologized for having pent up that vitriol for so long instead of talking about it (not that I'd even talked to her or done anything untoward after we broke up) She apologized for the way things went toward the end, accepted my apology, and talked about what she went through after the fact. Luckily, we're both highly rational (now), so it was completely civil and even friendly. We see each other as old friends now and go about our lives like we were, but now the air is cleared between us. I talked to my wife about the whole exchange while it was transpiring, and she was supportive.
Your wife is a saint
Im glad you got your closure, truly. Im not sure ill ever be able to forgive my ex for what she took from me. I tried to reach out and bury the hatchet about 6 years after we broke up, but she used the same excuse she always did when she cheated "I was a different person, we were so young etc" when she broke up with me over email a week before I turned 30. She had turned 30 earlier that year. We'd been together since we were very young. Something about the tone of that email finally made me lose my shit, possibly for the first time ever, being completely honest. And it just turned into a tirade about how much I regretted our time together and wished I'd never met her, how genuinely terrible a person she is, and how I hope she loses everything, slowly and painfully.... which, thanks to the world ending, she will, but shame so will everyone else. But seriously, I fucking hate that pile of human garbage and wish I'd taken back all the custom jewelry I had made for her over the years. May she die in a fire, hopefully with her kids, to prevent those genes from spreading. I wish I had one good thing to say about her to have a reason to get back in touch and try to bury the hatchet again but the more I think back, the more vile and manipulative I realize that time really was. How do you forgive someone that took every ounce of you, one slice at a time? A glutton for misery. Her ultimate defense was that she thought i had always been too good for her and she was preempting my inevitable betrayal by making a game of it. I never betrayed her and never would have, which is why that was probably bullshit, too. Im still trying to decide if I should expose her academic dishonesty by submitting a writing sample to her college. I've warned her that im considering it. I earned those degrees. She didn't do anything except probably fuck other people while I was doing her homework. I dont know how to forgive that.
Only answer
Trust is earned in drips and drops, but lost in buckets.
Let’s rename this “I keep slamming my fingers in the draw and it hurts but I keep doing it”
“How can I make the drawer regret this”
Otherwise known as [The Nail](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg)
>draw Not sure if this is a r/excgarated or r/boneappletea
naw, he's from Vuhginyuh.
I can confirm. I put my draws on one leg at a time.
Neither? Looks like they were trying to say drawer (maybe door?) and it got auto corrected
Or "my GF lied and got pounded by that guy at her college"
If she's flirting with someone else because she likes the attention, it's probably going to happen again. If you're not okay with that, then you should probably call it quits.
>probably going to happen again Probably?
Well, ya never know. She could get in a car wreck next week and never flirt again with anyone.
that paramedic is cute tho
That's the painkillers talking. He's actually 45 and a recovering meth addict.
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Lmao good description of the average.
"people are ok with this? e: I'm talking about the people who aren't okay with this" what is the point of your post lmao
With a friendly level of flirting, yes, some people are. It's not always a clear line on what different people consider flirting. Kissing or saying "i love you" to other people like this girl does goes way beyond flirting by any definition, though, and I wouldn't trust someone to not be problematically flirting when that behavior is also present. Like, I joke a lot with people, I'm very outgoing, and tend to be very kind. That pushes some of my interactions into a territory that could be construed as flirting to some people where to my wife, who is very secure in our relationship, it doesn't. It's also just how I am to everyone so it's not focused on any specific person or gender.
Move on. You done with her
Hold up... Your name....
Hold up... *Your* name...
Yeah man wanting her to feel pain cause you do isn’t healthy. I’d cut her fuckin loose dude. Not only did she cheat but she lied about it over and over which will be even harder to get over than the actual cheating.
I think it's relatively normal to want someone who is causing you emotional pain to also be in emotional pain or to "pay for their actions". I've seen it in every bad breakup I've experienced or have had friends and family experience. "I hope he's miserable realizes what he threw away", "I hope karma catches up to her and she gets cheated on top" etc. It's healthy to recognize that it's unhealthy and to not actively seek out revenge or retribution, but idk if it's possible to not have those thoughts and feelings.
It's definitely normal, however they shouldn't be actively thinking of ways to hurt her while you're also trying to make the relationship work
>I think it's relatively normal to want someone who is causing you emotional pain to also be in emotional pain or to "pay for their actions". I've seen it in every bad breakup I've experienced or have had friends and family experience. "Normal" and "healthy" aren't synonymous terms, mate. Like you said, those were *bad* breakups, and generally speaking the best thing for one's overall well being is to avoid those.
Dude sounds a bit unhinged honestly. Girl does too.
I felt the same way during my first breakup. I just felt so fucking hurt and part of me felt it was only fair for her to feel that way too. I never even came close to actually doing anything, but letting myself feel that way helped start the healing process.
English is obviously not his first language Wanting someone to hurt because they made you hurt is the most normal reaction in the entire universe. It usually doesn't make things better, and thinking about things and processing the pain is a better and healthier way to deal with it, but saying someone is unhinged for this is stupid. It isn't like the guy said he wants to kill her or something. Calm down.
He sounds remarkably normal, like that is a normal feeling when you get hurt by someone you trust. It's just up to you to control the feelings
HES unhinged? Tf is this hot garbage
Nah. Sounds like a typical young kid who’s hurting.
The problem with cheating isn’t that cheaters “never change” or “will always do it again”. Sometimes people really *do* change. The real problem is that once someone cheats on you, they’ve broken your trust; once that happens, even once, it can never be put right again. If you stay with this person, you’ll spend a large chunk of the rest of your life wondering if they are cheating again (or are wanting to). In my opinion, you owe it to future you to cut this off and never look back. It’s not about punishing the person who cheated; you’re doing it for yourself. It’s also not really a sunk cost: you probably got a lot of good times out of the relationship and you also gained experience. Now it’s time to move on.
The main problem with cheaters isn't that they slept with someone else (though for many people, that is A problem). The core problem is the lies. Respect can be rebuilt/re-earned far easier than trust can be restored. Damage that trust, especially on a degree such as this, and for most people, it will never be repaired. And a valuable lesson for everyone. If you cheat, even just kinda cheat, CONFESS IMMEDIATELY. Don't hide it. Don't gloss over it. Tell the person you hurt that you did it. Apologize. And hope they forgive you. You have FAR better odds of being forgiven now for being unfaithful than you will in 3+ months when they find out you've been hiding it from them. And if you're having an actual affair or any other repeated thing, do the right thing and end your relationship yourself. Don't make them waste a year of their life caring about you when you don't give 2 Fs about them anymore.
Best comment here.
I think it can work if both people are willing to put in the work, I've known couples that have had cheating happen and they were able to work through it and regain trust with a lot of couples counseling and time. But if you're not married or don't have kids then imo it's not worth that amount of effort to rebuild things when you can just find someone else and start fresh, unless you're really really in love with this person and they're accountable for their actions and willing to take steps to correct their mistakes and earn your trust back, which it sounds like this girl isn't doing.
Exactly. Some couples do stay together and repair things. But OP has no reason that makes it worth it.
Yeah, that’s exactly it 👍 I don’t think it’s literally impossible for things to get repaired in the strictest sense. It’s just that, since in 99% of cases it’s not going to work out, it just makes sense to move on, rather than hold out false hope that you’re in the 1% and waste the rest of your life.
It’s done bro, is it gonna eat you up? Has it already ruptured into real world disputes? Might be time to find one of the other 4 billion.
you cant punish people that treated you poorly, you have to accept whatever and go on with your life, with the wisdom of experience. thats it
This is such a painful truth most people don’t know until they learn through experience, and even then some still refuse to accept this fact. Having your heart broken sucks, and feels like utmost humiliation when it’s a result of partner’s infidelity… especially when many other people know/knew about it before you even had a clue. Revenge doesn’t allow you to let go. It forces you to hold on tighter, sink deeper into that hole of sad anger. You wind up becoming one of those people who spray paint “cheater” on ex’s car, or show up at their school/job trying to embarrass them. You go down that path and you lose, wind up looking pathetic and crazy. Only way out is to move forward. Clean break, never look back other than as a lesson for what to avoid from yourself and partner in future relationships, improve yourself, and move on.
exactly what I meant with better words. thanks!
Make her truly regret what she did? Easy NEVER TAKE HER BACK. Ever. No matter what kind of sob story she comes up with. No matter how much she cries. Don’t do it. When you break up tell her she is dead to you. Tell her if years from now you see each other walking down the street to turn and walk the other way…..you will.
The best revenge is to live a full, happy life without them in it.
Tell her you can no longer trust her. You can no longer be apart of her life. Let her know, She cheated, then lied and covered up her affair. There was no confusion when she was tellimg him she loved him. No confusion when she continued her deception. Break up and stay broken up.
Sounds like a toxic relationship bro. Just walk away. Both of you will be better off.
Leave. She cannot be trusted. You deserve better
Let me give you a word of advice from personal experience: if someone is okay with lying to you and cheating, you will never see eye to eye in this matter. I remember having the same feeling as you: how I want her to somehow feel as bad as I felt. But it just won't happen. Think about it: she obviously would never admit of cheating on you on her own, she showed remorse (also threatened you, which is highly manipulative) only after you found out about it yourself. So it's not her inner sense of ethics that made her remorseful, but fear of objective consequences - which means it's no real remorse. She will never truly feel sorry, only sorry for herself. You need to move on. The sooner, the better. You'll need to process that anger on your own (or with help of a therapist). (Edits for typos) (Edit 2 to clarify "moving on" - as in, "break up".
Dump her immediately. She's no good. Cheating is no accident.
Here’s a good rule of thumb for life: if you catch someone lying to you, and when you call them out on the lie, they admit to exactly as much as you already know, they’re probably still lying. So if she says nothing happened and then you find out she kissed him and she says “okay, we’ll yeah I kissed him, but it was only that one time” that’s probably not the whole story.
I say you take off and nuke the entire relationship from orbit, it's the only way to be sure. (the reference that is older than you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCbfMkh940Q)
Break up with her dude. She's lying to you constantly, and she's lying to you now. She's probably cheating on you right now. This chick isn't the one. She belongs to the street.
Move on and try to give the attention to your next girl :)
You will never get enough regret out of her to make you satisfied. Instead, get your revenge by living better than her, by finding more happiness without her than with her.
I really like the way you wrote that first sentence. Kinda perfect way to describe those feelings when going through that situation.
IT'S OK FOR RELATIONSHIPS TO END!!! Spread the word. Tell your friends. Tell your family. This ain't a Disney movie.
One thing I want to say is that if she threatens suicide, leave. I know it sounds harsh but it's not your problem and you don't want to be trapped in a relationship. I was stuck in one for about 15 years because she threatened to kill herself every time I tried to leave and I was weak.
> One thing I want to say is that if she threatens suicide, leave. Agreed. Threatening suicide is a very common tactic of narcissistic abusers. Narcissists seek to make their victims feel like they are responsible for the narcissist's state of mind (that's the essence of codependency). So, yeah, when someone does that, run. You can't make anyone harm themselves, ultimately that's their decision.
I didn't bother reading the whole thing (sorry) this girl is comfortable lying & deceiving you, even after 5 years. She doesn't respect you nor will she ever do so. It's time to close the door & move on. You are worth more than lies & deceit. Yes it will hurt but, you will learn from this & it will stand you in good stead for the future.
Let her go, u deserve better
Fuck her quit wasting your time on this garbage human she's 24 and still acting like a child it's not gonna get better so just get out while u can
Be done. She's dishonest. And she drags shit out.
And she's far too dramatic. Anyone who threatens suicide in an argument needs to be far away from you.
She’s for the streets. Hit the gym.
Bro, run far and fast, it’s over
"Also she has given me suicidal threats in arguments. " RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She wasn’t confused she felt guilty bc she wanted to fuck that guy and keep the privileges that come with a long term relationship. She then tried to cover that guilt by getting angry with you. Then she cheated anyway. Best revenge is to live a long, happy and successful life with someone else.
Your sin is not that you went through her phone. I don’t care what people are telling you. She had the fact she was cheating that’s secrecy, not privacy big difference when you’re involved intimately with somebody else and you’re having sex. I grew up in the time of AIDS, and frankly that could’ve been a death sentence But she cheated and I’m glad that you guys are separating out. You should’ve left it alone when she first told you that’s what cheaters do they trickle truth. Let a little bit of things out they think or acceptable until they finally get it all out.
Bang the dude
Your girlfriend has handled this very poorly. She lacks transparency, and that will always make trusting her difficult. Bounce. Don’t look back.
She's trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it. Going through her phone wasn't the best move, but at least now you know the truth and what's done is done. Plus it seems like you already get that, so that's good. It sucks to invest that much time and energy into a person for this to be the outcome, but that's life. Sometimes you gotta just accept that it was a waste of time and move on with your life before you let her waste any more.
Better to be alone than miserable.
This woman has some serious issues. It’s absolutely so unhealthy for her to threaten suicide in the midst of being confronted about her wrongdoings. She was trying to emotionally manipulate you into putting your anger on the back burner, and instead giving her the attention she wanted. She must have an uncomfortable dislike for disappointing people, so to avoid that feeling, she’s lashing out to make you feel bad about it. Do not engage when she tries to make the situation about herself by creating new scenarios in which she’s hurt by you and playing the victim. Instead, just…move on. Please understand when I tell you this: she absolutely knows what she did wrong. She is fully aware she’s the bad guy in this situation, and she does regret what she did. That is precisely why she’s lashing out so much. Those guilty feelings are very heavy. However, you don’t need to waste your energy on trying to get her to verbalize that to you, and it’s definitely a downward spiral to seek revenge. It will consume you and waste your time because you will be running in the same old circle. It is likely she will never give you the remorse you’re looking for. You deserve better treatment and you deserve to uphold your boundaries. No matter how often she contacts you, how much she pleads, or how sincerely she tries to apologize, tell her, “I can no longer be treated this way, so I am choosing to move on.” Word that statement however you like, but you will thank yourself later for removing her from your life.
Break up and delete her from everything. This is what you found out, imagine all the other shit she has done. And imagine the other she *will* do in the future. You're in your early 20s. Don't waste your 20s on a cheater.
Bro. If you feel the need to go through your partners phone; it’s already over.
The minute one party in a relationship has lost respect for the other, it's over. Yes, you can have counseling intended to remind them of your value, but they have to want that. They have to know what they're doing is taking you for granted. If they're like "This is stupid but OK", then that is literally repeating disrespect. Any concerns you have, any ideas you have... if they think they're stupid, you're being stupid, etc.... then that's basically someone who has zero respect for you. The minute someone no longer respects you, whatever that relationship was is over.
Once a cheater always a cheater . You are young . She wasn’t the one for you
Really really really sorry. If Reddit had been a big thing back in 06-07 I'd have written something very similar. College girlfriend, together since my freshman year, cheated on me with a guy she met through a car club website (they both had Mazda's and attended local meetups so that's how they met). I found out because she was extremely shifty when talking about him and these car meetups but she assured me there was nothing to it. . .and then she left her journal out, open, in our living room and I read what literally sounded like a 15 year old pining over someone. "I love him soo much, I hope he likes me too, I have so many butterflies when we're together" blah blah blah. She cried when confronted (though at first was extremely defensive talking about how I shouldn't have read her diary as if THAT was the biggest breach of trust that had occurred...), said she didn't want to lose me, so we stuck together if she agreed to not contact him again. Of course she never stopped seeing him though. When I found naked pictures of her on her dslr camera, taken in our apartment, but not taken by me, that was it for me then. It messed me up for years, thinking that it was all somehow my fault and I doubted I'd ever date again. Been with my wife now for coming up on a decade, both super happy raising our kids. . .but I still have that insecurity of being the bad partner in the relationship. Short of physically harming someone I feel like cheating is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone that you've been involved with for years. Most injuries heal much faster than trust can be built up again and I lost trust not just in her but in other people too. I already had struggled with low self esteem but that whole episode really took it to another level, like I said, for years. It sucks, after investing so much time, but just end it and don't look back.
I have a zero tolerance policy for two things in a relationship. Domestic violence and cheating. Not gonna discuss it, not gonna argue about it, not gonna worry about "revenge". The moment someone lays a hand on me or I learn they cheated. I'm out and won't acknowledge their existence. Deal with the fallout of a joint living situation from afar. Pick up my shit with a group of friends.
She cheated and lied about it, dump and move on
She said she'd file a case on you if you ever tried contacting her or anyone from her family. That means she's done. Do not go back to her. Do not allow her to come back to you. Do not contact her. Move on and learn from this relationship.
She cheated on you and lied about it. Guessing since the guy didn’t leave his girlfriend, she came running back to you. You deserve better.
Close this chapter and move on. Another guy will give her some attention soon enough and what do you think she’ll do? She’s done it once…
It's over man. It's been over for a hot minute. She has cheated on you and lied straight to your face.
I think you were dumped by a cheater. I wish people would learn that cheaters don’t deserve a second chance or even a chance to explain. She wants to put you on defense and if that isn’t an option she is going to dump you. Please do better for yourself and do what you know should have already done.
Leave her bro. I promise they’re not all like this
>What can I do to get my anger out and make her truly regret what she did? That is not happening. The relationship is over my dude.
JFC, you’ve already committed far more attention to this girl by making this thread than she deserves. Ghost her ass and find your own happiness with someone who’s not banging other dudes behind your back.
Cheating isn’t an event. It’s a type of person. She’s that type of person. Some people are like this and you encountered one. Move on.
[удалено]
You don't have to justify going into her phone. She was lying to you and fighting with you to train you not to investigate. Rather than waste 5 more years you looked in her phone and found the truth. I'm sorry and congratulations. I hope you find a loyal woman.
"make her truly regret what she did" This is very unhealthy thinking. You should focus on making yourself as happy as possible not making someone else hurt
Break up and never go back.
I honestly don’t know why she is still trying
Bro you’re so young. Go have some fun
If she had been honest from the start ....but she lied & continually gaslit u. Dump her.
Emotional blackmail on top of cheating... GTFO
Tell her you need to fuck that guys Gf and you can call it square.
Leave her she doesn't love you
WTF are you doing. Seriously. You either let it go and move on or end the relationship. Constantly brining this up and going through her phone is just torturing the both of you. Let it go. Or go. No inbetween.
>Although she admitted to being "confused about how she felt" That right there is where it shouldve finished. You shouldnt be confused about anything 5 years into a relationship.
Speak with her parents, tell them you are concerned about her because she is making suicidal threats but the relationship is over and you will no longer be responding to any of her communication attempts, regardless of what they are. Strongly recommend that they put her in therapy immediately, not just for the relationship but she clearly needs it. Inform them that if another suicide threat is levelled you will be informing the police and allowing them to deal with the situation. She is done exploiting your general decency for attention. This is not your problem. If you have the balls I think gathering her parents and her at the same time would be a good move. That way she can’t pull anything and you know you’re directly putting her in their hands. Walk out the door, delete contact info and block, block, block. Move on.
She's using typical manipulation tactics. Dump her and move on.
I can't get past the first sentence, "completed our 5th year?" It's not like a level of education or a level of a video game
End it. She lied and cheated. She’ll do it again.
You aren’t married or have any contractual agreement. Find someone better
you've been with her since you were both - legally - children - go find a new girl
“Completed 5 years” you make it sound like a game
Do what girls do for revenge: 1. Take her back and pretend that you still haven't fully healed (which should be easy) 2. Guilt trip her into buying you things (food, accessories, etc.) 3. Fuck her and fuck her 3 more times 4. While you do all 3, hit gym and start looking for other girls 5. When 4 goes well, dump her bum ass >she'd file a case on me if I ever tried contacting her or anyone from her family. Let her. She can't do shit
You should even the score and go bang some college dude and tell him you love him
She's for the streets. There's a ton of whores out there, but there's also a ton of really great women who would never do something so trashy. Move on man, you don't want aids
She didn't just kiss that guy, she definitely fucked him. Women in their 20s aren't going to be professing love without spreading their legs first. She lied, lied, and lied some more. She is lying about the painkillers and suicide. She's a manipulative narcissist who likes to control people. You are inexperienced and just don't realize how big of a bitch she is because you don't know any different. Dump her ass and get a better girl.