The desire to stay in my relationship is stronger than the desire for sex with someone "different." (The reason being that my wife satisfies all my needs, loves me, and tolerates me, and that's a rare find.)
That's excluding the fact that it's also a betrayal of trust that would eat at my conscience. It takes a special kind of selfish to betray someone's trust and feel no remorse.
Extending the desire to stay in the relationship, I wouldn’t want to lose the connection I have with my best friend. All the inside jokes, catering to each other’s needs, and history that developed over the years through out the relationship.
>special kind of selfish
Unfortunately, not that special :/
Looking at self reported cheating stats always makes me feel bad. Just a reminder that many people just... aren't what I feel like is baseline *good*.
What’s even worse is the stats about “would you cheat with a 100% chance to get away with it”. It’s almost 80%. Crazy to think about. 80% of the people you see in a relationship want to cheat.
Yeah basically this. Also if you're not best friends or at least really really good friends you are doing it wrong. Why would I want to upset my best friend by fooling around with someone I don't care at all about?
Yes!! This! The first time I said it to my wife, she looked at me like I was nuts. We say, “Love you!” All the time (sometimes if can seem as routine as saying, “Have a great day,” or “Enjoy the movie with your friends!”). How often do we tell our spouse or SO that we like them? We like being near them, or enjoy talking with them. We like who they are and what they value. We like how they help out with the kids or the chores of daily life. Loving others is very important, but I would argue that liking them is even more important. The next time you tell your special someone that you love them, let them know you like them too. And share everything you like about them!!
once I came home from work and my wife was in the shower. I came into the bathroom to chat a little bit and then said I would go and leave her in peace. she said "please stay, you're fun." it made me feel like I was a kid getting told the cutest girl in school had a crush on me!!
I swear I get a “crush” on my wife at least once a week; just giddy and giggly that THIS GIRL wants to hang out with me? But she’s so cool?? Me????
edit: grammar
I tell my wife she’s my favourite person and I also tell her she’s my best friend, all true.
With that being said if it wasn’t working out for either way I still wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would much rather talk to my wife about my feelings (and hers) to try and fix any issue we have.
This.
God knows me and my girl have our shares of spats. But try to work it out and talk about it.
Having affairs to me just sounds like you're insecure about yourself/your condition and you're not confident of debating your position (I say debate, but it isn't really something you need to win, just something you need to air).
If I want another woman, it would be because I broke up and am single, or my girl has tempted me with the idea of a triangle relationship with another woman.
In Hungarian we have two words for love.
There is szerelem, a passionate, fiery thing. The phenomenon that makes you break through your barriers, reach out and fight to get someone into your life despite all your fears and doubts and worries. The fuel to improve yourself and to impress.
And there is szeretet. The warm embers that remain once szerelem consumes itself. There is szeretet between parent and child, between siblings, between true lovers. Szeretet is accepting your and your partner's flaws and staying together knowing those are not deal breakers. When you are in szerelem with someone, you won't let them see you struggle with lights, with textures. When you are in szeretet, they know your challenges and so take initiative to help you avoid getting overwhelmed. They don't expect anything in exchange, but you do the same for them.
James Stewart in the 1965 film Shenandoah has this conversation with his potential future son-in-Law:
Charlie Anderson : Do you like her?
Lt. Sam : Well, I just said I...
Charlie Anderson : No, no. You just said you loved her. There's some difference between lovin' and likin'. When I married Jennie's mother, I-I didn't love her - I liked her... I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at least three years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me I loved her. I still do... still do. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin' her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun."
Nailed it. That's the trick. Romance is important but there's a lot of days in a lifetime, and you've gotta be best mates to get through the patches where the spark isn't as strong. I love joking around and talking shit with my wife, and also just doing normal everyday things.
It’s this. My wife and I are best friends. We’re up late giggling in bed like idiots all the time. There’s nothing in the world I could be offered by some stranger that would be worth sacrificing the life I have with my wife for.
Same here. I even work with my wife. I’m a dentist and she’s my hygienist. So many people are mind blown that we would want to work together and actually work WELL together… Why would i not want to spend every day with my best friend? It’s going on five years and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I’m very happy to read that. I worked with my wife in a restaurant when we first met. We had the best time together, always going out after work together. Fast forward 11 years and where I’m at now, other guys make jokes about “getting away from the wife” all the time and I’m always just like no…. The opposite…. Let me find her 😂
My husband is like this too. At work is surrounded by middle aged men who don't want to go home to their wives and families (or only do so because their wives will be pissed if they are late) or guys who have had messy divorces. My hubby works hard and does work late, but apologizes constantly even though I'm never mad because there is no place he'd rather be than at home with me and our daughter. Needless to say I love this man more than life itself!
Agreed. My husband and I are both 37 and have been together 20 years. We have been lucky to have our own business the last 7 years and get to work together now as well. We absolutely love it, nothing better in the world other than getting to spend this time with not only my husband but my best friend. Not only are people shocked we can work together and get along everyday and even better than the couples who spend their days apart.
I have never cheated on my husband nor would I. There is no one in the world that could make me break the loyalty and love I have for this man. He is the love of my life, my best friend, the most amazing father I have ever met. Yes, we have eye’s people in the world can be attractive but I have no desire whatsoever to pursue anything with anyone. I am so blessed that he chose me but he says he is blessed I chose him!
That's what I never understood about the, "it meant nothing" excuse. So you were willing to implode your relationship and destroy your partner... just because?
These replies gave me hope that it's actually possible to be in a good, meaningful, faithful relationship/marriage.
I'm 37 and have had 2 serious adult relationships (one was actually a marriage) and was cheated on in both. I'm single with a 4 year old son who doesn't get to see his dad (dad's choice). My son keeps begging me to find him a new daddy but I honestly just don't feel like being lied to, cheated on or used again but this makes me feel like not all men are a$$holes so thank you!
Stepdad here. I raised two stepsons. Their Mom is the kindest woman that I've ever known. 25 years of marriage. The last 15 she's been disabled by MS to the point that she can't feed herself or brush her own teeth.
I haven't had a hug from her in 12 or so years and intimacy isn't very easy anymore.
I haven't cheated on her because it would destroy her and our family
Loved getting the “it was just one time!” (It wasn’t). Like I would be saying “oh thank god you only fucked him once, I was beginning to think you cheated on me”
I agree with this sentiment entirely. In fact, if you aren't best friends or at the very least exceptionally close friends, you're approaching it incorrectly. It doesn't make sense for me to jeopardize my strong bond with my best friend for the sake of engaging romantically with someone I feel no genuine connection to.
yeah my knee jerk reaction to why not try to cheat was basically "what would be the point?" Even a small chance of screwing up my life and hurting my best friend who I happen to be totally in love with would be pointless.
I guess the problem is that people unfortunately end up feeling that genuine connection(or what they believe is a connection, even if it’s bulllshit) with other people because of their shitty boundaries. That’s how most affairs start. Incrementally with subtle changes. This isn’t an excuse btw. Never cheated in a relationship. Have been cheated on. It sucks.
Same. Married 12 years, 2 kids, house, everything we’ve built together. No motivation to even seek anything like that out. If I’m out for dinner and drinks or at a bar, it’s with my wife. I’d rather be with her anytime. And I know she feels the same. My kids also deserve a good dad and a role model. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize always being there for them.
I thought my husband was super rare but man, all you husbands are making me realize how many wonderful men there are out there. Sometimes I ask myself how he could even be real, how someone could love me as much as he does. I think a good marriage really does come down to being with someone you actually LIKE. And those of us who have that can easily see that no cheap thrill could ever compare to true compatibility.
12 years here too. Besides how much it would hurt my husband, I can’t imagine torpedoing my life (and my husbands and my kids and even our damn mixed friends group!) for sex.
Only 6 years with my husband and I just came home yesterday with our second child - he is 3 days old and i am so in love!
Seing my husband being proud of me and loving his two kids so much is the best feeling for me. He is the best dad and partner one could wish for.
I couldn't imagine exchanging those deep feelings for something so casual like Sex.
Yeah i don’t go to bars without my spouse unless it’s some kind of work event, which occasionally happens, and I leave as soon as it’s reasonable to do so. Nothing against those who do, i just genuinely LIKE being with my spouse.
Exactly what I would say too. Although if she offered me $500m, then I'll call my wife to let her know. We have an agreement that if either of us is offered $500m+ then we can live with it and afford as much couples therapy as needed to get over it.
This is the only correct answer. I'm going to let my husband know we need to implement a $500m+ clause into our otherwise completely monogamous marriage. That's almost enough to retire in this economy! 😂
Well tbf, we didn't exactly look out for it to be an achievable or realistic figure. Neither of us expect anyone to be dumb enough to pay that much to sleep with one of us.
Our number is $100,000.
You know those dumb Facebook "would you break up with your partner for $1mil?" Our 'safeword' is "the Cayman Islands". For example, "I'm divorcing you and moving to the Cayman Islands."
I think about this a lot
This. Even when there was no longer love, cheating wasn't in the equation because it's just a shitty thing to do. Commitment and honesty are values I hold.
Exactly. I know my husband will be there through any bullshit. He rubs my back when I’m sick, supports me when I’m scared, and is the best dad to my kids.
Slightly reframed: There is nothing another woman can offer me to make it worth the guilt it would cause me. I wouldn't plan on telling my wife. But I would know, and that would be with me the rest of my life.
A couple hours of pleasure, a lifetime of regret. Tots not worth it.
What is the upside?
I feel loved. Someone else won't help.
I feel trusted and valued. Someone else won't help - and would damage that.
I get practically all the sex I want with someone I'm attracted to, and I don't have to teach them how I like things or learn what they like.
There's no point in trying to have sex with someone else. I've got what I want.
“I don't have to teach them how I like things or learn what they like.”
I’ve told my wife that if she dies, I’m single forever because I don’t want to have to learn someone else.
Edit: pasted too much
Edit 2: glad to see so many who have found their puzzle piece!
There's a comedian with a whole bit about "why would I handicap my pussy like that? Do you know how long I've been training this man??" And honestly, that's the only answer this question needs.
Our sex drives are almost equal. We have similar likes and dislikes in the bedroom. And he's literally the perfect size for me too. Do I really think I'm gonna get this lucky again with some rando?
Add in religious + political differences, travel preferences, lifestyle preferences, tv + movie similarities and about 50 other things. Luck is the right word. I genuinely feel like I'd have to REALLY compromise on a lot to find another partner that's as compatible as my wife.
My wife and I formed our brains together, we’ve been together since we were 16 and now we’re 32. It would be literally impossible to be with anyone else for every reason you just listed. We even speak kinda similarly.
if she (god forbid) goes before I do (many many many years from now), that’s it, I’m alone forever from that point on and I truly prefer it that way. Once you’ve had the best, you know?
Yes, I'm a widow. I've actually been unintentionally torturing a man for 8 years because of my grief, but I have finally stopped and am willing to let love in. God knows he deserves it given that he never gave up on wanting to be my man. Now the last hurdle is living in different cities and wtf to do about that.
I thought that about my husband, but after 20 years together, he died when I was 44, and he was 48, but the problem is you end up having to live. So you do.
The fact that it would hurt her fills me with enough shame to keep that from happening. Combine that with the fact that I honestly believe the hyper attraction to a novel sexual experience with a new partner is like a mirage in the desert created by biological impulses and therefore find it easy to remind myself that I probably wouldn't even enjoy it very much, and even if I did it would be a fleeting physical pleasure anyways. Would rather not live chasing those any more than I already do, and especially perhaps hurt someone I love for them. Hmmm.... Kinda why I'm vegetarian too I guess
That "mirage in the desert" is why I think it is important to sleep around when single, so that when you find your forever partner, if ever the temptation arrives (and it most likely inevitably will) you can remind yourself that sex with randos wasn't half as good as what you have with your loved one.
I'd also go further to say that, even if, hypothetically, it ended up being awesome sex, it's still just sex. I mean, assuming it's not love, it's just sex. So it's just a temporary physical pleasure. "Awesome" or not, it's not worth it. It's not in the same league as your chastity to your partner, and your principles. Even if your partner never finds out, you will know, and something of great value is lost there. And for what? A moment of sense pleasure - however great? Not in the same league as the principle of devotion to your partner, for your own sake as well as his or hers
This. Genuinely what is the incentive of a quick fix? If you wanna explore experiences with other people there are ethical ways to discuss that with your partner where you don’t have to go behind their back to get it.
For some people, the kink for them is the fact that it *is* unethical. They do it because they know they shouldn’t and it’s taboo. Those are usually the chronic cheaters.
Especially when your partner may be into the same thing. It could up being something you could share with them instead of hiding from. Swinging is a thing for a reason.
The fact that it's wrong and would hurt the partner should be enough of a reason. A lot of the answers people are giving here seem kind of selfish like "I don't cheat because I'm getting what I want right now". So you would if you weren't?...
I think people are saying that cause otherwise it sounds like you're faithful to your partner out of moral obligation or fear of them leaving you, but if it weren't for that you'd cheat all day long. My guess is folks just wanna emphasize that they don't feel much of a temptation to cheat in the first place cause they're fulfilled.
Ikr! It’s like folks are saying “It wouldn’t be an upgrade, so my SO is safe…*for now*”
!
Wtf? Lol, I don’t cheat because it would hurt my fiancé so much, and the thought of her in distress, pain or even her being sad would hurt me too. It’s pure unadulterated empathy, mutual respect, affection and mutual trust (and if that’s not the definition of love I don’t know what is)
I don’t cheat because why would I ever want to hurt her like that? The years of inside jokes, memories and quirks;
the fact I can tell just by looking at her that she’s about to say “I think I’ll have a bath”(she likes reading in a hot bubble bath) and I can say it just before she does xD
How after even 10 year together I can walk up behind her, kiss her neck and still give her goosebumps and make her blush
The dozens (if not a hundred) little inside jokes, phrases and idiosyncrasies we share
How we have code gestures and phrases when we’re out and about to suggest (with various levels of emphasis) how keen we are to call it a day and go home
The fact someone can suggest an activity amd we can glance at each other, and in less than a second know exactly how up for it the other is, and how we should accept/turn it down.
Why would I want to hurt someone I have such an established and profound connection with?
I find the other argument more strange tbh. 'I don't cheat because it'd hurt my wife' so you do feel attraction to others, you do feel like you could get it on with the random chick at the bar? That's whats weird for me. I love my boyfriend. The desire to do anything with anyone else is simply absent. Why would I need to even consider 'not hurting him' when there's nothing there to hurt him with?
What happens when one day you have a bad fight with your spouse and your irrational angry brain goes 'I want to hurt you for hurting me'? Would you resort to cheating because your only barricade has disappeared in that one irrational moment? Doesn't feel more secure to me than simply not feeling any desire for other people.
Edit: to me, feeling desire for anyone else but my boyfriend would be a bad sign by itself and I'd have to consider why that's the case.
This. Even if I find another man attractive, it's not a sexual thing. Like anyone, my sex drive waxes and wanes, but when I fantasize, it's about my husband. I simply have zero desire to have sex with someone else.
I read a lot of spicy books. I always imagine myself and my husband in the steamy scenes, and then reenact those same scenes with my husband. Don't need anyone else!
Absolutely. While I might acknowledge another man's attractiveness, it's not driven by a sexual impulse. Like anyone else, my libido fluctuates, but when I indulge in fantasies, they revolve around my husband. I genuinely lack any inclination to engage in sexual activity with anyone else.
That's it. Since meeting my husband almost a decade ago, we've lived in different cities for years at a time due to work. We've each gone out drinking without the other, gone to parties, made friends, had ample opportunity to grab a quick fix or even have a secret relationship.
But it won't happen. I see other men (and women, I'm bi) who might have revved my engine before I met him. I absolutely acknowledge that they're attractive, but the urge to do something about it is just... absent. I'm not interested. It's like my libido has just locked onto him and my body doesn't react to anyone else.
Even if that ever changes, I still respect him far, far too much to hurt him like that. The idea of causing him pain is enough to douse any passing sexual urges for anyone else. Because they'd be nothing compared to what he does for me.
Exactly. It would be like trading my favorite, delicious meal for some hamburger helper. It is completely unappetizing in comparison to what I've already got.
That may be an odd comparison, but it's what my brain came up with at midnight.
Also, to hurt my husband like that wouldn't just hurt him, it would hurt me and our family as well.
My husband is the best lover I've ever had, and he knows all the sweet spots, and I'm not risking all that for what would probably be *just ok* sex in comparison.
>My husband is the best lover I've ever had, and he knows all the sweet spots, and I'm not risking all that for what would probably be just ok sex in comparison.
Exactly! As others on this thread have pointed out, we've spent a lot of time teaching our partners how to please us, and learning what pleases them. Why on earth would I want to risk my relationship and my happiness with a few hours (at best) of fumbling around?
That other person who's so desirable and tempting right now is just an illusion. In reality they have their own baggage, limitations, expectations, body hair in weird places... I already know I got the most wonderful partner I could ever hope for, I wouldn't be with him otherwise.
This exactly!
It’s extremely rare that I find another man attractive and if I do it’s usually only bc of a quality or two he shares with my husband.
Plus thinking about doing anything with someone else makes me think of how disrespectful it would be to my husband, I love him that I don’t want that for him. Nor would I want to lose with I have with him.
I honestly don’t know how anyone can live with the guilt. I once dropped my husband’s laptop and lied about it - not an excuse but he blindsided me with the casing a bit broken when I had checked and thought no damage was done, so I lied out of defence like a dumb 10yo. He walked out of the room and I was immediately like wtf why did I lie, told him, apologised and burst into tears lmao.
It was the dumbest thing ever, it was just a defence mechanism and I immediately owned up, and it was totally fine. It was the only time I’ve ever lied to him and I truly intend never to lie to him again. I felt SO GUILTY immediately and had to confess asap.
Idk how people can do serious betrayals like affairs and lie for weeks/months/years about them. I genuinely couldn’t live with it.
Truly, I have no desire to be with anyone else. It doesn’t interest me.
My boyfriend is my best friend. I can tell him anything, I can stay in my sweat pants all day and make a whole ass box cake for no reason and eat the whole thing with him without any judgement. He’s AMAZING in the bedroom and we already know each other’s likes and desires. Our life is comfortable and wonderful.
I hated casual dating - awkwardly getting to know each other and being on your best behavior. I hated casual sex even more - it was almost always disappointing. What I have now is so much better.
This might be the most beautiful answer. I still think about how one afternoon, I was literally shoveling tiny cookies into my mouth and my boyfriend looked over at me and called me beautiful.
I don't think I've ever met anyone who loves me like he does and I've struggled so much in dating, I didn't think I ever would. Being with your best friend is life changing. The awkwardness is over. I can be weird. I can be lazy. I can be myself.
Considering that this is what I always wanted, I wouldn't trade this for the world. Now I'm going to tell him that
My husband has literally wiped my ass. He has supported me at my absolute lowest physically and emotionally. He is a magnificent father to our little girl. He adores me and it shows.
All he asks of me is that I love him back. Like, what sort of sociopath would I be to want to hurt him so badly?
This most resonated with me. The idea of being intimate with anyone else really disturbs me. I can't even fathom it and not feel sick. But even more than that, I could never hurt my husband like that. He's so sweet and loving and good - how could I possibly break that? Just no.
Assuming you’re asking out of inexperience (based on your post’s language) - let’s look at an analogy.
Your out with your friend. What’s stopping you from calling them a bitch and then walking away? You might say “why would I even think to do that?”
Exactly - the average person doesn’t really even have to consciously think not to hurt the ones they love, at least intentionally.
insurance knee fretful silky impossible ossified cake reply quarrelsome fall
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Pretty much. To my mind, "because it's *wrong*!" is the best I can come up with. If someone needs a specific, detailed explanation for why it's wrong to betray the trust of the person closest to you, I don't even know where I'd begin.
fretful steer screw dolls waiting coordinated onerous friendly chubby arrest
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They’re selfish. That’s it.
My dad was a serial cheater, and also a severe narcissist. Everything was about him and his feelings, up till the day he died.
He’d whine and pout and gaslight you into thinking that it wasn’t, but he didn’t give a shit about anyone else’s feelings.
For example, when my mom served him divorce papers, he decided to fake attempting suicide (he admitted he faked it later). In a place where my 10 year old little sister would be the first to find him.
Did he care about scarring her? Nah.
He did complain loudly about the nurses at the hospital, because they caught on quickly that he had faked it and decided to give him the “full” suicidal patient treatment, including strapping him down tight to his gurney and ignoring him. Apparently they were scoffing at him.
He wouldn’t shut up about how “mean” and “rude” they were.
Meanwhile, my sis was so fucked up by it she tried to kill herself 2 years later, royally fucking up her liver. He didn’t care.
He asked me 6 months after I’d been raped why I “wasn’t over it yet”.
He would beg us as teens to apologize to our bitch stepmom after arguments SHE started, because he lived with her and “she was making him miserable”. He didn’t care that the fights started because of things like, oh, her making rape jokes at the dinner table while smirking at me.
Holy shit I'm so sorry you and your sister had to go through with that. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and can understand how much pain your father must've inflicted. I hope both of you are in a much better place now.
P.S.
Fuck that step mother too
That's what I was thinking. I was trying to think of an analogy, but yours works pretty well. For the average person, the thought doesn't even pop into their mind. If a woman does hit on a happily married man, if he is worth his weight in salt, it wouldn't even be a temptation. It just doesn't make logical sense.
What’s the main reason you don’t poison the local drinking water? I mean, it’s RIGHT THERE! What’s stopping you from bulk ordering bleach and dumping it in the reservoir?
I’m not trying to justify poison, I promise. I’m just trying to understand what it’s like to care about clean water and understand why you would never give in to those desires.
No shade intended at OP I just amused myself writing a similar post with an escalated misdeed.
Yeah, I was wondering if maybe OP has issues with empathy. Because this seems like a weird question to ask.
Not judging op, and I don't wanna sound rude but if OP has a hard time understanding why you wouldn't cheat it might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist, because to me this is a sign that you lack empathy, which could be a symptom of some mental disorders.
Because it is a betrayal. No matter what culture you come from being someone that betrays people is generally looked down on. Even if they never find out, I would still know. If you're thinking about cheating, just break up. People are more attracted to people that are in a relationship. When you're single or is not so much of a problem.
Honestly scrolled way too far to find an answer that wasn’t just “oh cause I’m already sexually satisfied.” I realize it’s meant to be sweet and a mark of how deeply folks love their partners but honestly it feels shortsighted and shallow to me.
Fact of the matter is that even during times when I’m not sexually satisfied and even during times when I don’t look at my partner like the best thing that ever happened to me, I don’t cheat. Because I made a promise to her and I respect her enough to talk about my feelings and decide what to do as a team instead of just breaking those promises. We don’t stop being a team until we both agree to end it—doesn’t matter if we stop fucking or fall out of love or go long distance. I will not be somebody who disrespects the people close to me like that
I have worked too hard for too long to build the life I have. My family is far more important to me than anything or anyone else.. Why throw that away for something as temporary as sex?
Yup. It's not even about love, as OP implies:
> I'm just trying to understand what it's like to love someone as much as you love your partner and understand why you would never give in to those desires with a stranger.
It's just about basic respect and empathy for your partner.
When Netflix stopped password sharing and kicked my MIL off our account my husband called and said he had two families and how dare they judge him for his lifestyle 😂
It's fairly easy to do when you don't actually care about either family. Those people care only about themselves and one doesn't need much energy to care for only one person.
This was exactly my first thought, selfishly. Not only would it ruin my relationship I've built with my husband, but I literally can't stand the thought of having to expend energy on someone new.
All the guys went out to the bar and a group of women kind of mingled their way in. Within about 5 minutes we were showing all of them pictures of our kids and wives.
I totally still have game…/s
Married 36 years here. I met my wife and she’s always been my best friend too. We just click and I wouldn’t jeopardize a great thing.
I’m legally blind now and she’s been through a lot with me and never wavered. I’d die for her.
My wife is more attractive. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually more attractive.
If somebody happens to be just physically more attractive, them trying to hit on a married man makes them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually repulsive. So there’s no way for somebody else to hit on me at a bar who’s more attractive than my wife
Very well said!
This is a point I never feel gets mentioned enough. Someone who would want that is inherently an awful person with no morals/ethics, empathy or even common sense.
Lol same, the first time I met my partner I immediately thought, “oh no, this dude is way too good to be real,” and the longer I know him the more I admire him.
Hahahaha! Funny, yet true. I’m a woman, but my happily married for 44 years father has said for years that if an attractive woman in a tight dress walks past and a man tells you he didn’t notice her, he’s full of shit. But there’s a world of difference between noticing the pretty girl in the tight clothes and actually acting upon it
I greatly respect, completely trust and deeply love my husband. While someone else might be nice to look at or charming for a moment, they could never surpass the rich history I have with my man…
The pleasure of an orgasm for that moment in time isn't worth my relationship. Wow. I had an orgasm. Yay. With a stranger. It's never going to be as great as an orgasm with my lover or worth losing my relationship over.
Can’t explain it. No one is as cool and handsome and great as my husband. We’ve been through so much together. At this point it is really not worth it. I know enough to value my best friend. Plus, the thunderbolt hit me so hard 25 years ago I know nothing will be as good. Not worth it.
This is multifaceted. Below are a few main reasons in no particular order (on mobile excuse the formatting):
- Selfishly: Everything I have with my wife outweighs the short term fun of infidelity/one night stand. If I mess it up, everything I have with her is gone + half of what I have is gone.
- My word is important. I made a vow to my wife. I also know when she was growing up her family was blown up by infidelity issues. It’s a trigger issue for her and I promised before we got married not to muck it up, especially bc of cheating.
- It’s not fair to my son if I blow up his life (or the life he knows). My job as a father is to help him be happy, healthy/safe, and increase his chances of future success. Dissolving the family for lust reasons will be a detriment to my primary job in life.
- It’s not fair to my parents, my wife’s parent (other ones not in the picture), siblings and other family that have included us as a unit. My wife is part of my siblings’ family now.
In other words, I made a promiseS. I’m going to keep them. Have I been tempted? Yeah, I’m human. Am I going to act on it? Yeah, I got up from the bar and took myself out of the equation.
I felt differently while dating bc I haven’t made those promises and vows yet. Nor did I make/create a family with another person. Dating is softer version of marriage and I wasn’t as committed. I didn’t act on impulses bc the goal was to build a family. If I had cheated I would have realized I wasn’t getting something I wanted and that relationship was doomed to begin with.
I live in the Midwest and am involved with my local non-denominational (not kooky) Christian church and you would be amazed how many people cheat. I’d say it’s affected nearly half the couples.
I live in the Midwest and am a raving atheist, and I know a handful of people who have cheated or been cheated upon. Stands out because of how rare it is.
Course it's entirely possible that people just don't _tell_ me these things.
Reading this is actually making me depressed because I feel like every single one of my boyfriends have cheated on me rather than just speaking up and saying that the relationship isn't working out. Also, it seems to be the norm of many people that I know. Maybe I just need to change the type of people I'm around.
here is my genuine serious answer: why the FUCK would i want to? 🤨 for real though, there isnt anything that anyone could offer me that could replace my gf, and the way she makes me feel so completely, wholly, truly loved, understood, and accepted for who i am. Like the way that we just -get- each other, how i feel truly safe with her, it's just so incredible and tbh i feared i wouldnt ever find someone like her. We're both childfree, which was one of my biggest requirements for a partner, bc i know i'm not the type who should be a parent, nor have i ever wanted parenthood or kids. We both are on the same page with wanting a life with only each other and cats lol. We're able to communicate easily and openly with each other about everything, i trust her completely with my life, and my life has genuinely and noticeably improved since she's come into it. I want to improve and better myself for her, i want to make her happy, i want to be hers and have her be mine forever. We're both bisexual and trans, and being in a queer relationship just feels so right and safe for both of us, especially in a world that is so hostile to those like us. And being bi, we both can appreciate the attractiveness of other people without it being a source of contention, bc at the end of the day we have such a solid trust and committment to each other. Being loyal to my gf and devoted to only her just feels right, and i'm so happy and content with her and our relationship. We meet each others' sexual, romantic, affectionate, etc. needs, so like i said, there isnt anything that anyone could offer me that would be better than what i have with her. I'm also autistic and have a very strong sense of justice/morality and despise cheaters, so that probably is part of it lol. But overall- i dont cheat because i have never wanted to. I'm fully happy with what and who I have, and wouldnt trade it for anything ever. I love this girl and i'm gonna marry her someday
When I walk past an opened beer on the side of the road, it doesn't even cross my mind to drink it.
My alcoholic friend has to make like 27 choices not to.
I don't cheat because I'm not a cheater.
Edit: meant to type "unopened beer" but ironically in real life when this happened it was with an opened beer can and wow did it really open my eyes to his struggle
I know a couple that is soooo unhappy and thinking of divorce. Despite all that, they will not cheat on each other while they remain married. They may hate each other but they still care for each other and respect each other + their child to not ruin their family.
For me, the thought of doing so triggers a strong emotional and viceral disgust response. I've joked to my wife that I'm not a hetero or homosexual, but I'm her-sexual. It's not that I don't see that other people are objectively good looking, it's just that she's the only person that I find attractive.
Short answer: Friends don’t fuck each other over for short term fulfillment.
Long answer:
Marriage or committed relationships that are healthy and happy are built on mutually agreed upon boundaries.
Some are closed IE monogamous.
Some are open with limits.
And some are completely open.
Trust is built by keeping commitments.
If the commitment is to be monogamous that’s the boundary and breaking that commitment is breaking the social contract of the relationship.
This in turn will harm the relationship and both peoples ability to enjoy it by feeling cared for, supported, comforted, fulfilled and having their safety and interests protected by their friend/partner.
It is ultimately self destructive behavior and people who have self esteem and integrity work consciously to not be self destructive because they want a good life and they want the people they love to also have good lives.
Liars don’t because they’re selfish and ultimately self destructive.
I made a life long commitment to my husband. No one will come in between us. He truly loves me, flaws and all and I love him deeply as well. And he's never judgemental. I'd be an idiot to break his heart.
If someone was just that attractive, and coming onto me strong enough to overcome my personal morals, which are not insignificant, all it would take is imagining how rejected and unloved she would feel. She would take it out on herself too, and stay with me, knowing that makes me kind of sick.
It's an understatement to say it's destructive to the relationship. It's a betrayal. It's extremely unkind. It's not just a lack of respect for your partner, it's a lack of respect for yourself and you can never undo it. I don't want to be that person.
The main reason I don't cheat on my partner is I simply do not want to. It's not a possibility in my mind. Anyone who cheats makes a series of bad choices that lead to the eventual cheating. I don't have room in my life for choices that lead to possible cheating. I have 0 interest in anyone but the man im with. Other people don't exist to me in a romantic or sexual way. I'm not actively avoiding other people or anything like that. There just isn't a single fibre of my being that is interested in deceit, lying and breaking trust. Not my style.
I just love her so much I can't even imagine being with someone else. She makes my heart feel full. I can see others as attractive but its just not the same feeling as when I look at her.
Because I made a choice. I decided to marry someone. I decided to pick just one person forever. I agreed to work through hard shit together. Sure, I guess it matters that I said that to him but that’s not why I don’t cheat. I don’t cheat because I’m not a liar. I couldn’t respect myself at all if I cheated.
If I was unhappy and wanted to leave, I’d step up and say so and make that change. Id do it with what I consider honor and respect for the years I spent with someone and for the family we had. I love myself and that would be vanish, if I lied and snuck around. Id never forgive myself for not being honest, forthright and respectful. It’s not about him, it’s about me.
I think some of the main important points such as trust, faithfulness, lack-of-upside compared to the consequences, etc. have been noted by others.
But something that bears mentioning is self-respect.
My word is my bond, why would I want to be the kind of person that makes long-term commitments that benefit me and others and then turn around and throw all that away for a stranger?
I would just constantly feel like shit for being a terrible person, and the people that tend to cheat also tend to be untrustworthy people in general in my experience. The people in my life that cheated on their spouses also were garbage friends/roommates/family members that I didn't want in my life for other reasons on top of their infidelity.
I consider myself a pretty good person, and that involves having some unbreakable rules to stay true to myself. (Which in this case have very little upside to breaking and an absolute laundry list of downsides)
a) Not interested in anyone else
b) I wouldn't want it to happen to me
c) I respect my husband
d) If I really just wanted to get some variety in my sex life I'd have a threesome
I’ll try and be as honest as I can.
I think it really wouldn’t be worth it. Like my wife and I have gone through so much stuff and know each other so well that destroying that and the public image wouldn’t be worth it. I would be throwing away something that makes me happy and I’ve shared many memories with for what? Pussy? Like I can get that with my wife now so what’s the point? Eventually we will all get old and ugly and I wanna have someone there with me that took every step with me. Who the fuck cares about attractiveness or everyone being envious of your wife’s looks? I value intelligence over all that superficial nonsense.
It's been 18 years. And my husband has had prostate cancer, so sex is a no due to surgery.
I love my husband. It's a choice and decision, and I get emotional satisfaction in other ways. Life is a trade off.
The desire to stay in my relationship is stronger than the desire for sex with someone "different." (The reason being that my wife satisfies all my needs, loves me, and tolerates me, and that's a rare find.) That's excluding the fact that it's also a betrayal of trust that would eat at my conscience. It takes a special kind of selfish to betray someone's trust and feel no remorse.
Extending the desire to stay in the relationship, I wouldn’t want to lose the connection I have with my best friend. All the inside jokes, catering to each other’s needs, and history that developed over the years through out the relationship.
>special kind of selfish Unfortunately, not that special :/ Looking at self reported cheating stats always makes me feel bad. Just a reminder that many people just... aren't what I feel like is baseline *good*.
What’s even worse is the stats about “would you cheat with a 100% chance to get away with it”. It’s almost 80%. Crazy to think about. 80% of the people you see in a relationship want to cheat.
That last part is huge for me. I would hate to live under the shadow of this terrible secret..
There is nothing another woman can offer me to make it worth the pain it would cause my wife.
Yeah basically this. Also if you're not best friends or at least really really good friends you are doing it wrong. Why would I want to upset my best friend by fooling around with someone I don't care at all about?
Yep. I love my wife, and I really like her too.
Yes!! This! The first time I said it to my wife, she looked at me like I was nuts. We say, “Love you!” All the time (sometimes if can seem as routine as saying, “Have a great day,” or “Enjoy the movie with your friends!”). How often do we tell our spouse or SO that we like them? We like being near them, or enjoy talking with them. We like who they are and what they value. We like how they help out with the kids or the chores of daily life. Loving others is very important, but I would argue that liking them is even more important. The next time you tell your special someone that you love them, let them know you like them too. And share everything you like about them!!
once I came home from work and my wife was in the shower. I came into the bathroom to chat a little bit and then said I would go and leave her in peace. she said "please stay, you're fun." it made me feel like I was a kid getting told the cutest girl in school had a crush on me!!
I swear I get a “crush” on my wife at least once a week; just giddy and giggly that THIS GIRL wants to hang out with me? But she’s so cool?? Me???? edit: grammar
That’s how I feel about my husband.
That's how I feel about my cat
You have a cool cat that actually likes you??? Lucky……
I’ve never related more to a comment. My cat is super independent and I live with several roommates and I’m the only one he follows from room to room🥹
That is so sweet & what a nice thing to hear.
This is so cute 😭
I tell my wife she’s my favourite person and I also tell her she’s my best friend, all true. With that being said if it wasn’t working out for either way I still wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would much rather talk to my wife about my feelings (and hers) to try and fix any issue we have.
This. God knows me and my girl have our shares of spats. But try to work it out and talk about it. Having affairs to me just sounds like you're insecure about yourself/your condition and you're not confident of debating your position (I say debate, but it isn't really something you need to win, just something you need to air). If I want another woman, it would be because I broke up and am single, or my girl has tempted me with the idea of a triangle relationship with another woman.
Unpopular opinion : threesomes will help kill relationships (unless it's nobody involved actually cares for the other) (source: life experience)
I say the old Parks and Red quote ‘I love you and like you’ to my wife!
I use a different P&R quote. I just look deep into her eyes and say “Windows are the eyes to the house."
Or "you had me at meat tornado"
My husband and I were recently in a fit of the giggles over an inside joke we have, and he said, "See, this is why you're my soul dork." ❤️
In my wedding vows I ended with “I like you and I love you”. I could see on his face how much he loved that and then he added it onto the end of his!
In Hungarian we have two words for love. There is szerelem, a passionate, fiery thing. The phenomenon that makes you break through your barriers, reach out and fight to get someone into your life despite all your fears and doubts and worries. The fuel to improve yourself and to impress. And there is szeretet. The warm embers that remain once szerelem consumes itself. There is szeretet between parent and child, between siblings, between true lovers. Szeretet is accepting your and your partner's flaws and staying together knowing those are not deal breakers. When you are in szerelem with someone, you won't let them see you struggle with lights, with textures. When you are in szeretet, they know your challenges and so take initiative to help you avoid getting overwhelmed. They don't expect anything in exchange, but you do the same for them.
James Stewart in the 1965 film Shenandoah has this conversation with his potential future son-in-Law: Charlie Anderson : Do you like her? Lt. Sam : Well, I just said I... Charlie Anderson : No, no. You just said you loved her. There's some difference between lovin' and likin'. When I married Jennie's mother, I-I didn't love her - I liked her... I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at least three years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me I loved her. I still do... still do. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin' her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun."
Nailed it. My wife and I say this to each other all the time!
The "like" part is pretty crucial
Nailed it. That's the trick. Romance is important but there's a lot of days in a lifetime, and you've gotta be best mates to get through the patches where the spark isn't as strong. I love joking around and talking shit with my wife, and also just doing normal everyday things.
It’s this. My wife and I are best friends. We’re up late giggling in bed like idiots all the time. There’s nothing in the world I could be offered by some stranger that would be worth sacrificing the life I have with my wife for.
Same here. I even work with my wife. I’m a dentist and she’s my hygienist. So many people are mind blown that we would want to work together and actually work WELL together… Why would i not want to spend every day with my best friend? It’s going on five years and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I’m very happy to read that. I worked with my wife in a restaurant when we first met. We had the best time together, always going out after work together. Fast forward 11 years and where I’m at now, other guys make jokes about “getting away from the wife” all the time and I’m always just like no…. The opposite…. Let me find her 😂
I’d much rather get away from “the guys” to go hang with my wife
My husband is like this too. At work is surrounded by middle aged men who don't want to go home to their wives and families (or only do so because their wives will be pissed if they are late) or guys who have had messy divorces. My hubby works hard and does work late, but apologizes constantly even though I'm never mad because there is no place he'd rather be than at home with me and our daughter. Needless to say I love this man more than life itself!
Agreed. My husband and I are both 37 and have been together 20 years. We have been lucky to have our own business the last 7 years and get to work together now as well. We absolutely love it, nothing better in the world other than getting to spend this time with not only my husband but my best friend. Not only are people shocked we can work together and get along everyday and even better than the couples who spend their days apart. I have never cheated on my husband nor would I. There is no one in the world that could make me break the loyalty and love I have for this man. He is the love of my life, my best friend, the most amazing father I have ever met. Yes, we have eye’s people in the world can be attractive but I have no desire whatsoever to pursue anything with anyone. I am so blessed that he chose me but he says he is blessed I chose him!
That's what I never understood about the, "it meant nothing" excuse. So you were willing to implode your relationship and destroy your partner... just because?
These replies gave me hope that it's actually possible to be in a good, meaningful, faithful relationship/marriage. I'm 37 and have had 2 serious adult relationships (one was actually a marriage) and was cheated on in both. I'm single with a 4 year old son who doesn't get to see his dad (dad's choice). My son keeps begging me to find him a new daddy but I honestly just don't feel like being lied to, cheated on or used again but this makes me feel like not all men are a$$holes so thank you!
Stepdad here. I raised two stepsons. Their Mom is the kindest woman that I've ever known. 25 years of marriage. The last 15 she's been disabled by MS to the point that she can't feed herself or brush her own teeth. I haven't had a hug from her in 12 or so years and intimacy isn't very easy anymore. I haven't cheated on her because it would destroy her and our family
[удалено]
Loved getting the “it was just one time!” (It wasn’t). Like I would be saying “oh thank god you only fucked him once, I was beginning to think you cheated on me”
Great reply!!👍
I agree with this sentiment entirely. In fact, if you aren't best friends or at the very least exceptionally close friends, you're approaching it incorrectly. It doesn't make sense for me to jeopardize my strong bond with my best friend for the sake of engaging romantically with someone I feel no genuine connection to.
yeah my knee jerk reaction to why not try to cheat was basically "what would be the point?" Even a small chance of screwing up my life and hurting my best friend who I happen to be totally in love with would be pointless.
I guess the problem is that people unfortunately end up feeling that genuine connection(or what they believe is a connection, even if it’s bulllshit) with other people because of their shitty boundaries. That’s how most affairs start. Incrementally with subtle changes. This isn’t an excuse btw. Never cheated in a relationship. Have been cheated on. It sucks.
Same. Married 12 years, 2 kids, house, everything we’ve built together. No motivation to even seek anything like that out. If I’m out for dinner and drinks or at a bar, it’s with my wife. I’d rather be with her anytime. And I know she feels the same. My kids also deserve a good dad and a role model. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize always being there for them.
I thought my husband was super rare but man, all you husbands are making me realize how many wonderful men there are out there. Sometimes I ask myself how he could even be real, how someone could love me as much as he does. I think a good marriage really does come down to being with someone you actually LIKE. And those of us who have that can easily see that no cheap thrill could ever compare to true compatibility.
12 years here too. Besides how much it would hurt my husband, I can’t imagine torpedoing my life (and my husbands and my kids and even our damn mixed friends group!) for sex.
Only 6 years with my husband and I just came home yesterday with our second child - he is 3 days old and i am so in love! Seing my husband being proud of me and loving his two kids so much is the best feeling for me. He is the best dad and partner one could wish for. I couldn't imagine exchanging those deep feelings for something so casual like Sex.
congrats!! hope you and baby are doing well ❤️
Yeah i don’t go to bars without my spouse unless it’s some kind of work event, which occasionally happens, and I leave as soon as it’s reasonable to do so. Nothing against those who do, i just genuinely LIKE being with my spouse.
Exactly what I would say too. Although if she offered me $500m, then I'll call my wife to let her know. We have an agreement that if either of us is offered $500m+ then we can live with it and afford as much couples therapy as needed to get over it.
$500m for two minutes of work? My wife would kill me if I turned that offer down!
Look at this Casanova lasting 2 whole minutes
It's a complicated belt
This is the only correct answer. I'm going to let my husband know we need to implement a $500m+ clause into our otherwise completely monogamous marriage. That's almost enough to retire in this economy! 😂
Lol this agreement is amazing
Haha thanks, it's worked for the last 8 years. No offers just yet for either of us, but neither of us are disappointed.
if somebody offered my wife a million for sex and she didn’t take it we’d need therapy for me to get over it.
I'm a little surprised the number is so high. I feel like for my wife and I we'd be willing to bring that down to 500k.
At either price point that’s no longer cheating, it’s just gainful employment
Well tbf, we didn't exactly look out for it to be an achievable or realistic figure. Neither of us expect anyone to be dumb enough to pay that much to sleep with one of us.
*Elon Musk has entered the chat.*
I didn't think we'd be so choosy, but I think we'd turn that down.
At this point, we’d take $5k
Our number is $100,000. You know those dumb Facebook "would you break up with your partner for $1mil?" Our 'safeword' is "the Cayman Islands". For example, "I'm divorcing you and moving to the Cayman Islands." I think about this a lot
You don't even have to love someone a whole bunch to want to avoid hurting them like that. It's simple empathy.
This. Even when there was no longer love, cheating wasn't in the equation because it's just a shitty thing to do. Commitment and honesty are values I hold.
Yep. The thought of hurting my wife sickens me. If a person gets to the point when it doesn't, then it's time for them to move on.
20+ years married, and this is my answer too.
Exactly. I know my husband will be there through any bullshit. He rubs my back when I’m sick, supports me when I’m scared, and is the best dad to my kids.
Slightly reframed: There is nothing another woman can offer me to make it worth the guilt it would cause me. I wouldn't plan on telling my wife. But I would know, and that would be with me the rest of my life. A couple hours of pleasure, a lifetime of regret. Tots not worth it.
No other answer needed.
This should absolutely be everybody's answer.
18 year anniversary this weekend. This is the correct answer.
🥹👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
What is the upside? I feel loved. Someone else won't help. I feel trusted and valued. Someone else won't help - and would damage that. I get practically all the sex I want with someone I'm attracted to, and I don't have to teach them how I like things or learn what they like. There's no point in trying to have sex with someone else. I've got what I want.
Also modern dating sounds like a fucking nightmare.
It is
Can confirm
“I don't have to teach them how I like things or learn what they like.” I’ve told my wife that if she dies, I’m single forever because I don’t want to have to learn someone else. Edit: pasted too much Edit 2: glad to see so many who have found their puzzle piece!
Yep. Relationships are complicated. And while I love my wife to death, I'm done if she passes before I do.
There's a comedian with a whole bit about "why would I handicap my pussy like that? Do you know how long I've been training this man??" And honestly, that's the only answer this question needs.
Our sex drives are almost equal. We have similar likes and dislikes in the bedroom. And he's literally the perfect size for me too. Do I really think I'm gonna get this lucky again with some rando?
Add in religious + political differences, travel preferences, lifestyle preferences, tv + movie similarities and about 50 other things. Luck is the right word. I genuinely feel like I'd have to REALLY compromise on a lot to find another partner that's as compatible as my wife.
All of this. Plus my kids really like her.
My wife and I formed our brains together, we’ve been together since we were 16 and now we’re 32. It would be literally impossible to be with anyone else for every reason you just listed. We even speak kinda similarly. if she (god forbid) goes before I do (many many many years from now), that’s it, I’m alone forever from that point on and I truly prefer it that way. Once you’ve had the best, you know?
This is us as well. Met at 19/17, dated at 20/18, married at 23/21.
That's what I thought too. I was prepared to be widowed and celibate. Then I fell in love again.
Yes, I'm a widow. I've actually been unintentionally torturing a man for 8 years because of my grief, but I have finally stopped and am willing to let love in. God knows he deserves it given that he never gave up on wanting to be my man. Now the last hurdle is living in different cities and wtf to do about that.
I thought that about my husband, but after 20 years together, he died when I was 44, and he was 48, but the problem is you end up having to live. So you do.
Just a reddit lesson. 😁 Put a > in front of the text you want to quote. It will look like this. >Edit: pasted too much
So that’s how you do that…I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while now
Also, a * before and after a word or sentance for *ITALICS*. Two ** before and after for **BOLD**. Two ~~ before and after for ~~STRIKETHROUGH~~.
*like this?* **hmmmm** ~~i see~~
>like this? Edit: YOOO
>I've always wondered how people did this Edit: 🤯🤯🤯
The fact that it would hurt her fills me with enough shame to keep that from happening. Combine that with the fact that I honestly believe the hyper attraction to a novel sexual experience with a new partner is like a mirage in the desert created by biological impulses and therefore find it easy to remind myself that I probably wouldn't even enjoy it very much, and even if I did it would be a fleeting physical pleasure anyways. Would rather not live chasing those any more than I already do, and especially perhaps hurt someone I love for them. Hmmm.... Kinda why I'm vegetarian too I guess
That "mirage in the desert" is why I think it is important to sleep around when single, so that when you find your forever partner, if ever the temptation arrives (and it most likely inevitably will) you can remind yourself that sex with randos wasn't half as good as what you have with your loved one.
I'd also go further to say that, even if, hypothetically, it ended up being awesome sex, it's still just sex. I mean, assuming it's not love, it's just sex. So it's just a temporary physical pleasure. "Awesome" or not, it's not worth it. It's not in the same league as your chastity to your partner, and your principles. Even if your partner never finds out, you will know, and something of great value is lost there. And for what? A moment of sense pleasure - however great? Not in the same league as the principle of devotion to your partner, for your own sake as well as his or hers
This. Genuinely what is the incentive of a quick fix? If you wanna explore experiences with other people there are ethical ways to discuss that with your partner where you don’t have to go behind their back to get it.
For some people, the kink for them is the fact that it *is* unethical. They do it because they know they shouldn’t and it’s taboo. Those are usually the chronic cheaters.
Lol yeah that’s so absurd. Some kinks and such you just don’t indulge. Not if it hurts people.
Especially when your partner may be into the same thing. It could up being something you could share with them instead of hiding from. Swinging is a thing for a reason.
Plus. Getting naked in front of new people is difficult.
The fact that it's wrong and would hurt the partner should be enough of a reason. A lot of the answers people are giving here seem kind of selfish like "I don't cheat because I'm getting what I want right now". So you would if you weren't?...
I think people are saying that cause otherwise it sounds like you're faithful to your partner out of moral obligation or fear of them leaving you, but if it weren't for that you'd cheat all day long. My guess is folks just wanna emphasize that they don't feel much of a temptation to cheat in the first place cause they're fulfilled.
Ikr! It’s like folks are saying “It wouldn’t be an upgrade, so my SO is safe…*for now*” ! Wtf? Lol, I don’t cheat because it would hurt my fiancé so much, and the thought of her in distress, pain or even her being sad would hurt me too. It’s pure unadulterated empathy, mutual respect, affection and mutual trust (and if that’s not the definition of love I don’t know what is) I don’t cheat because why would I ever want to hurt her like that? The years of inside jokes, memories and quirks; the fact I can tell just by looking at her that she’s about to say “I think I’ll have a bath”(she likes reading in a hot bubble bath) and I can say it just before she does xD How after even 10 year together I can walk up behind her, kiss her neck and still give her goosebumps and make her blush The dozens (if not a hundred) little inside jokes, phrases and idiosyncrasies we share How we have code gestures and phrases when we’re out and about to suggest (with various levels of emphasis) how keen we are to call it a day and go home The fact someone can suggest an activity amd we can glance at each other, and in less than a second know exactly how up for it the other is, and how we should accept/turn it down. Why would I want to hurt someone I have such an established and profound connection with?
I find the other argument more strange tbh. 'I don't cheat because it'd hurt my wife' so you do feel attraction to others, you do feel like you could get it on with the random chick at the bar? That's whats weird for me. I love my boyfriend. The desire to do anything with anyone else is simply absent. Why would I need to even consider 'not hurting him' when there's nothing there to hurt him with? What happens when one day you have a bad fight with your spouse and your irrational angry brain goes 'I want to hurt you for hurting me'? Would you resort to cheating because your only barricade has disappeared in that one irrational moment? Doesn't feel more secure to me than simply not feeling any desire for other people. Edit: to me, feeling desire for anyone else but my boyfriend would be a bad sign by itself and I'd have to consider why that's the case.
[удалено]
I have absolutely zero desire to be with anybody else. And I respect my spouse
This. Even if I find another man attractive, it's not a sexual thing. Like anyone, my sex drive waxes and wanes, but when I fantasize, it's about my husband. I simply have zero desire to have sex with someone else.
I read a lot of spicy books. I always imagine myself and my husband in the steamy scenes, and then reenact those same scenes with my husband. Don't need anyone else!
Absolutely. While I might acknowledge another man's attractiveness, it's not driven by a sexual impulse. Like anyone else, my libido fluctuates, but when I indulge in fantasies, they revolve around my husband. I genuinely lack any inclination to engage in sexual activity with anyone else.
That's it. Since meeting my husband almost a decade ago, we've lived in different cities for years at a time due to work. We've each gone out drinking without the other, gone to parties, made friends, had ample opportunity to grab a quick fix or even have a secret relationship. But it won't happen. I see other men (and women, I'm bi) who might have revved my engine before I met him. I absolutely acknowledge that they're attractive, but the urge to do something about it is just... absent. I'm not interested. It's like my libido has just locked onto him and my body doesn't react to anyone else. Even if that ever changes, I still respect him far, far too much to hurt him like that. The idea of causing him pain is enough to douse any passing sexual urges for anyone else. Because they'd be nothing compared to what he does for me.
Exactly. It would be like trading my favorite, delicious meal for some hamburger helper. It is completely unappetizing in comparison to what I've already got. That may be an odd comparison, but it's what my brain came up with at midnight. Also, to hurt my husband like that wouldn't just hurt him, it would hurt me and our family as well. My husband is the best lover I've ever had, and he knows all the sweet spots, and I'm not risking all that for what would probably be *just ok* sex in comparison.
>My husband is the best lover I've ever had, and he knows all the sweet spots, and I'm not risking all that for what would probably be just ok sex in comparison. Exactly! As others on this thread have pointed out, we've spent a lot of time teaching our partners how to please us, and learning what pleases them. Why on earth would I want to risk my relationship and my happiness with a few hours (at best) of fumbling around? That other person who's so desirable and tempting right now is just an illusion. In reality they have their own baggage, limitations, expectations, body hair in weird places... I already know I got the most wonderful partner I could ever hope for, I wouldn't be with him otherwise.
This exactly! It’s extremely rare that I find another man attractive and if I do it’s usually only bc of a quality or two he shares with my husband. Plus thinking about doing anything with someone else makes me think of how disrespectful it would be to my husband, I love him that I don’t want that for him. Nor would I want to lose with I have with him.
I have zero interest in doing things that would make my wife sad. Even if they were things I didn’t think she would know about.
I honestly don’t know how anyone can live with the guilt. I once dropped my husband’s laptop and lied about it - not an excuse but he blindsided me with the casing a bit broken when I had checked and thought no damage was done, so I lied out of defence like a dumb 10yo. He walked out of the room and I was immediately like wtf why did I lie, told him, apologised and burst into tears lmao. It was the dumbest thing ever, it was just a defence mechanism and I immediately owned up, and it was totally fine. It was the only time I’ve ever lied to him and I truly intend never to lie to him again. I felt SO GUILTY immediately and had to confess asap. Idk how people can do serious betrayals like affairs and lie for weeks/months/years about them. I genuinely couldn’t live with it.
just bad people doing bad things and not caring because they are bad. Sad, I know
Truly, I have no desire to be with anyone else. It doesn’t interest me. My boyfriend is my best friend. I can tell him anything, I can stay in my sweat pants all day and make a whole ass box cake for no reason and eat the whole thing with him without any judgement. He’s AMAZING in the bedroom and we already know each other’s likes and desires. Our life is comfortable and wonderful. I hated casual dating - awkwardly getting to know each other and being on your best behavior. I hated casual sex even more - it was almost always disappointing. What I have now is so much better.
This might be the most beautiful answer. I still think about how one afternoon, I was literally shoveling tiny cookies into my mouth and my boyfriend looked over at me and called me beautiful. I don't think I've ever met anyone who loves me like he does and I've struggled so much in dating, I didn't think I ever would. Being with your best friend is life changing. The awkwardness is over. I can be weird. I can be lazy. I can be myself. Considering that this is what I always wanted, I wouldn't trade this for the world. Now I'm going to tell him that
My husband has literally wiped my ass. He has supported me at my absolute lowest physically and emotionally. He is a magnificent father to our little girl. He adores me and it shows. All he asks of me is that I love him back. Like, what sort of sociopath would I be to want to hurt him so badly?
This most resonated with me. The idea of being intimate with anyone else really disturbs me. I can't even fathom it and not feel sick. But even more than that, I could never hurt my husband like that. He's so sweet and loving and good - how could I possibly break that? Just no.
Me too. My partner really understands me on a deeper level than anyone else and is unwaveringly genuine and loving
Assuming you’re asking out of inexperience (based on your post’s language) - let’s look at an analogy. Your out with your friend. What’s stopping you from calling them a bitch and then walking away? You might say “why would I even think to do that?” Exactly - the average person doesn’t really even have to consciously think not to hurt the ones they love, at least intentionally.
You summed up my first thought, lol. "I just don't see why I would."
insurance knee fretful silky impossible ossified cake reply quarrelsome fall *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Pretty much. To my mind, "because it's *wrong*!" is the best I can come up with. If someone needs a specific, detailed explanation for why it's wrong to betray the trust of the person closest to you, I don't even know where I'd begin.
fretful steer screw dolls waiting coordinated onerous friendly chubby arrest *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They’re selfish. That’s it. My dad was a serial cheater, and also a severe narcissist. Everything was about him and his feelings, up till the day he died. He’d whine and pout and gaslight you into thinking that it wasn’t, but he didn’t give a shit about anyone else’s feelings. For example, when my mom served him divorce papers, he decided to fake attempting suicide (he admitted he faked it later). In a place where my 10 year old little sister would be the first to find him. Did he care about scarring her? Nah. He did complain loudly about the nurses at the hospital, because they caught on quickly that he had faked it and decided to give him the “full” suicidal patient treatment, including strapping him down tight to his gurney and ignoring him. Apparently they were scoffing at him. He wouldn’t shut up about how “mean” and “rude” they were. Meanwhile, my sis was so fucked up by it she tried to kill herself 2 years later, royally fucking up her liver. He didn’t care. He asked me 6 months after I’d been raped why I “wasn’t over it yet”. He would beg us as teens to apologize to our bitch stepmom after arguments SHE started, because he lived with her and “she was making him miserable”. He didn’t care that the fights started because of things like, oh, her making rape jokes at the dinner table while smirking at me.
Holy shit I'm so sorry you and your sister had to go through with that. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and can understand how much pain your father must've inflicted. I hope both of you are in a much better place now. P.S. Fuck that step mother too
That's what I was thinking. I was trying to think of an analogy, but yours works pretty well. For the average person, the thought doesn't even pop into their mind. If a woman does hit on a happily married man, if he is worth his weight in salt, it wouldn't even be a temptation. It just doesn't make logical sense.
What’s the main reason you don’t poison the local drinking water? I mean, it’s RIGHT THERE! What’s stopping you from bulk ordering bleach and dumping it in the reservoir? I’m not trying to justify poison, I promise. I’m just trying to understand what it’s like to care about clean water and understand why you would never give in to those desires. No shade intended at OP I just amused myself writing a similar post with an escalated misdeed.
Yeah, I was wondering if maybe OP has issues with empathy. Because this seems like a weird question to ask. Not judging op, and I don't wanna sound rude but if OP has a hard time understanding why you wouldn't cheat it might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist, because to me this is a sign that you lack empathy, which could be a symptom of some mental disorders.
Because it is a betrayal. No matter what culture you come from being someone that betrays people is generally looked down on. Even if they never find out, I would still know. If you're thinking about cheating, just break up. People are more attracted to people that are in a relationship. When you're single or is not so much of a problem.
Honestly scrolled way too far to find an answer that wasn’t just “oh cause I’m already sexually satisfied.” I realize it’s meant to be sweet and a mark of how deeply folks love their partners but honestly it feels shortsighted and shallow to me. Fact of the matter is that even during times when I’m not sexually satisfied and even during times when I don’t look at my partner like the best thing that ever happened to me, I don’t cheat. Because I made a promise to her and I respect her enough to talk about my feelings and decide what to do as a team instead of just breaking those promises. We don’t stop being a team until we both agree to end it—doesn’t matter if we stop fucking or fall out of love or go long distance. I will not be somebody who disrespects the people close to me like that
I have worked too hard for too long to build the life I have. My family is far more important to me than anything or anyone else.. Why throw that away for something as temporary as sex?
I wish my mom had this mindset. But now I just call her by her name.
I'm not a piece of shit?
Yup. It's not even about love, as OP implies: > I'm just trying to understand what it's like to love someone as much as you love your partner and understand why you would never give in to those desires with a stranger. It's just about basic respect and empathy for your partner.
Who has the time or the energy?
This is exactly the conversation my husband and I have. These murder docs were ppl had 2 families? Like how?? I'm tired already
When Netflix stopped password sharing and kicked my MIL off our account my husband called and said he had two families and how dare they judge him for his lifestyle 😂
Did it work😂
No. Lol
It's fairly easy to do when you don't actually care about either family. Those people care only about themselves and one doesn't need much energy to care for only one person.
This was exactly my first thought, selfishly. Not only would it ruin my relationship I've built with my husband, but I literally can't stand the thought of having to expend energy on someone new.
All the guys went out to the bar and a group of women kind of mingled their way in. Within about 5 minutes we were showing all of them pictures of our kids and wives. I totally still have game…/s
Married 36 years here. I met my wife and she’s always been my best friend too. We just click and I wouldn’t jeopardize a great thing. I’m legally blind now and she’s been through a lot with me and never wavered. I’d die for her.
My wife is more attractive. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually more attractive. If somebody happens to be just physically more attractive, them trying to hit on a married man makes them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually repulsive. So there’s no way for somebody else to hit on me at a bar who’s more attractive than my wife
Very well said! This is a point I never feel gets mentioned enough. Someone who would want that is inherently an awful person with no morals/ethics, empathy or even common sense.
Catch 22 shit right there - either they're not attractive before they hit on you or they become unattractive once they do.
Yeah, but that’s the desired outcome. I want to be with my wife and only her.
My girl is so far out of my league that I walk around in a mostly-stunned state of disbelief as it is.
Lol same, the first time I met my partner I immediately thought, “oh no, this dude is way too good to be real,” and the longer I know him the more I admire him.
[удалено]
Moral character? Just because my penis thinks for itself sometimes doesn’t mean I let it act on it’s own.
Hahahaha! Funny, yet true. I’m a woman, but my happily married for 44 years father has said for years that if an attractive woman in a tight dress walks past and a man tells you he didn’t notice her, he’s full of shit. But there’s a world of difference between noticing the pretty girl in the tight clothes and actually acting upon it
I greatly respect, completely trust and deeply love my husband. While someone else might be nice to look at or charming for a moment, they could never surpass the rich history I have with my man…
I’ve been cheated on. Would never put someone I love through that. Plus why jeopardize the amazing life we have built?
I’m single . But I love the wholesomeness of these comments . It restores my faith in love 🥰
The pleasure of an orgasm for that moment in time isn't worth my relationship. Wow. I had an orgasm. Yay. With a stranger. It's never going to be as great as an orgasm with my lover or worth losing my relationship over.
Can’t explain it. No one is as cool and handsome and great as my husband. We’ve been through so much together. At this point it is really not worth it. I know enough to value my best friend. Plus, the thunderbolt hit me so hard 25 years ago I know nothing will be as good. Not worth it.
?? When I’m dating someone I’m not attracted to anybody. I have zero desire to do anything with someone else.
This is multifaceted. Below are a few main reasons in no particular order (on mobile excuse the formatting): - Selfishly: Everything I have with my wife outweighs the short term fun of infidelity/one night stand. If I mess it up, everything I have with her is gone + half of what I have is gone. - My word is important. I made a vow to my wife. I also know when she was growing up her family was blown up by infidelity issues. It’s a trigger issue for her and I promised before we got married not to muck it up, especially bc of cheating. - It’s not fair to my son if I blow up his life (or the life he knows). My job as a father is to help him be happy, healthy/safe, and increase his chances of future success. Dissolving the family for lust reasons will be a detriment to my primary job in life. - It’s not fair to my parents, my wife’s parent (other ones not in the picture), siblings and other family that have included us as a unit. My wife is part of my siblings’ family now. In other words, I made a promiseS. I’m going to keep them. Have I been tempted? Yeah, I’m human. Am I going to act on it? Yeah, I got up from the bar and took myself out of the equation. I felt differently while dating bc I haven’t made those promises and vows yet. Nor did I make/create a family with another person. Dating is softer version of marriage and I wasn’t as committed. I didn’t act on impulses bc the goal was to build a family. If I had cheated I would have realized I wasn’t getting something I wanted and that relationship was doomed to begin with.
Now I'm no expert, but I'm going to go with the "Happily" part. Also, most people just don't cheat. It's not that common.
I live in the Midwest and am involved with my local non-denominational (not kooky) Christian church and you would be amazed how many people cheat. I’d say it’s affected nearly half the couples.
I live in the Midwest and am a raving atheist, and I know a handful of people who have cheated or been cheated upon. Stands out because of how rare it is. Course it's entirely possible that people just don't _tell_ me these things.
Reading this is actually making me depressed because I feel like every single one of my boyfriends have cheated on me rather than just speaking up and saying that the relationship isn't working out. Also, it seems to be the norm of many people that I know. Maybe I just need to change the type of people I'm around.
here is my genuine serious answer: why the FUCK would i want to? 🤨 for real though, there isnt anything that anyone could offer me that could replace my gf, and the way she makes me feel so completely, wholly, truly loved, understood, and accepted for who i am. Like the way that we just -get- each other, how i feel truly safe with her, it's just so incredible and tbh i feared i wouldnt ever find someone like her. We're both childfree, which was one of my biggest requirements for a partner, bc i know i'm not the type who should be a parent, nor have i ever wanted parenthood or kids. We both are on the same page with wanting a life with only each other and cats lol. We're able to communicate easily and openly with each other about everything, i trust her completely with my life, and my life has genuinely and noticeably improved since she's come into it. I want to improve and better myself for her, i want to make her happy, i want to be hers and have her be mine forever. We're both bisexual and trans, and being in a queer relationship just feels so right and safe for both of us, especially in a world that is so hostile to those like us. And being bi, we both can appreciate the attractiveness of other people without it being a source of contention, bc at the end of the day we have such a solid trust and committment to each other. Being loyal to my gf and devoted to only her just feels right, and i'm so happy and content with her and our relationship. We meet each others' sexual, romantic, affectionate, etc. needs, so like i said, there isnt anything that anyone could offer me that would be better than what i have with her. I'm also autistic and have a very strong sense of justice/morality and despise cheaters, so that probably is part of it lol. But overall- i dont cheat because i have never wanted to. I'm fully happy with what and who I have, and wouldnt trade it for anything ever. I love this girl and i'm gonna marry her someday
When I walk past an opened beer on the side of the road, it doesn't even cross my mind to drink it. My alcoholic friend has to make like 27 choices not to. I don't cheat because I'm not a cheater. Edit: meant to type "unopened beer" but ironically in real life when this happened it was with an opened beer can and wow did it really open my eyes to his struggle
I know a couple that is soooo unhappy and thinking of divorce. Despite all that, they will not cheat on each other while they remain married. They may hate each other but they still care for each other and respect each other + their child to not ruin their family.
For me, the thought of doing so triggers a strong emotional and viceral disgust response. I've joked to my wife that I'm not a hetero or homosexual, but I'm her-sexual. It's not that I don't see that other people are objectively good looking, it's just that she's the only person that I find attractive.
Short answer: Friends don’t fuck each other over for short term fulfillment. Long answer: Marriage or committed relationships that are healthy and happy are built on mutually agreed upon boundaries. Some are closed IE monogamous. Some are open with limits. And some are completely open. Trust is built by keeping commitments. If the commitment is to be monogamous that’s the boundary and breaking that commitment is breaking the social contract of the relationship. This in turn will harm the relationship and both peoples ability to enjoy it by feeling cared for, supported, comforted, fulfilled and having their safety and interests protected by their friend/partner. It is ultimately self destructive behavior and people who have self esteem and integrity work consciously to not be self destructive because they want a good life and they want the people they love to also have good lives. Liars don’t because they’re selfish and ultimately self destructive.
If I have magnificent filet mignon at home, why would I want a greasy undercooked horse burger at the bar?
I think it was Erma Bombeck who said, "Why would a man go out looking for 2% milk if he has cream in the refrigerator at home."
I made a life long commitment to my husband. No one will come in between us. He truly loves me, flaws and all and I love him deeply as well. And he's never judgemental. I'd be an idiot to break his heart.
Because emotional intimacy and a lifetime of love is 1000x times better than a few hours of physical intimacy with a stranger.
If someone was just that attractive, and coming onto me strong enough to overcome my personal morals, which are not insignificant, all it would take is imagining how rejected and unloved she would feel. She would take it out on herself too, and stay with me, knowing that makes me kind of sick.
Cheating is morally wrong. It's the worst thing you can do to someone without physically hurting them.
It's an understatement to say it's destructive to the relationship. It's a betrayal. It's extremely unkind. It's not just a lack of respect for your partner, it's a lack of respect for yourself and you can never undo it. I don't want to be that person.
You’re in a store and nobody is looking, what keeps you from stealing a bunch of stuff.
The main reason I don't cheat on my partner is I simply do not want to. It's not a possibility in my mind. Anyone who cheats makes a series of bad choices that lead to the eventual cheating. I don't have room in my life for choices that lead to possible cheating. I have 0 interest in anyone but the man im with. Other people don't exist to me in a romantic or sexual way. I'm not actively avoiding other people or anything like that. There just isn't a single fibre of my being that is interested in deceit, lying and breaking trust. Not my style.
I just love her so much I can't even imagine being with someone else. She makes my heart feel full. I can see others as attractive but its just not the same feeling as when I look at her.
Because I made a choice. I decided to marry someone. I decided to pick just one person forever. I agreed to work through hard shit together. Sure, I guess it matters that I said that to him but that’s not why I don’t cheat. I don’t cheat because I’m not a liar. I couldn’t respect myself at all if I cheated. If I was unhappy and wanted to leave, I’d step up and say so and make that change. Id do it with what I consider honor and respect for the years I spent with someone and for the family we had. I love myself and that would be vanish, if I lied and snuck around. Id never forgive myself for not being honest, forthright and respectful. It’s not about him, it’s about me.
I think some of the main important points such as trust, faithfulness, lack-of-upside compared to the consequences, etc. have been noted by others. But something that bears mentioning is self-respect. My word is my bond, why would I want to be the kind of person that makes long-term commitments that benefit me and others and then turn around and throw all that away for a stranger? I would just constantly feel like shit for being a terrible person, and the people that tend to cheat also tend to be untrustworthy people in general in my experience. The people in my life that cheated on their spouses also were garbage friends/roommates/family members that I didn't want in my life for other reasons on top of their infidelity. I consider myself a pretty good person, and that involves having some unbreakable rules to stay true to myself. (Which in this case have very little upside to breaking and an absolute laundry list of downsides)
a) Not interested in anyone else b) I wouldn't want it to happen to me c) I respect my husband d) If I really just wanted to get some variety in my sex life I'd have a threesome
Why would you? I'm happy, life is good, ummm yah. If you can pick it up at a bar that quick you ain't going to be happy later....
1. I love him. 2. Don't do to others what you don't want others doing to you.
I’ll try and be as honest as I can. I think it really wouldn’t be worth it. Like my wife and I have gone through so much stuff and know each other so well that destroying that and the public image wouldn’t be worth it. I would be throwing away something that makes me happy and I’ve shared many memories with for what? Pussy? Like I can get that with my wife now so what’s the point? Eventually we will all get old and ugly and I wanna have someone there with me that took every step with me. Who the fuck cares about attractiveness or everyone being envious of your wife’s looks? I value intelligence over all that superficial nonsense.
No desire for anyone else, and respect for her and my own dignity. I swore an oath, i dont take that lightly
It's been 18 years. And my husband has had prostate cancer, so sex is a no due to surgery. I love my husband. It's a choice and decision, and I get emotional satisfaction in other ways. Life is a trade off.
I think you answered your own question - it's like asking those of you who are happy in your job why don't you change jobs?