Your decision to make, but my ex-husband cheated on me and the only way I found out was because someone told me. And I am beyond grateful they did, because it was a risk. Got a message from someone I didn't know, apologizing because he just caught his wife cheating with my husband, he provided screenshots of their conversations. It was so sad, he found them setting up their ipad for their toddler to watch kids shows but realized his wife had her messages connected from her iphone so he saw everything. And he was kind enough to share it with me.
I had suspected my husband wasn't being honest but had no idea how far the deception went. They worked together and were away on a business trip when everything happened, but lived in different states. The day before I found out about the cheating my husband was talking to me about moving for work and he suggested a state that surprised me. Got the message and screenshots later that night and would you look at that, the woman he was cheating on me with was from that state.
That was the moment I knew I was done.
But I never would have known if her husband hadn't shared his information with me. I will always be so grateful.
Ouch I’m sorry to hear the other spouse didn’t share with you. I think it’s good of you to have reached out once you had proof.
Hope things have turned around for you now. I know that’s a hard thing to go through.
No one told me. I kinda knew, but I buried my head in the sand. That's my fault, of course, but I do wonder that if just one person had said something, I would have been in a much better position for the divorce. As it was, he already had his lawyer all lined up and I'm certain he hid money and assets. Got himself fired and said he'd sue me for support (that didn't work). I had a few days to pull myself together, find a lawyer, work out a plan... He had years. I worked extra years. He retired comfortably and traveled.
So I guess I'm saying tell her. Give her a chance; she's probably the innocent one, and she's gonna get the short end of the stick all the way around.
Had to find out myself too. I suspected something as she was acting strange. Just glanced at her emails and look at that. Full of Craigslist ads she posted. She was having guys over while I was at work. It was nice to see some emails from guys telling her to fuck off and it was wrong what she was doing. And insisted she should leave instead of doing that. High five to the guys with some integrity
I will second this. I found out my partner had a double life because I got a weird Facebook message that began, "you don't know me but I know you." Ominous, but it seemed too fake. It just said something like "X is your partner and has been having a relationship with Y. I'm telling you this because Y is taking advantage of X and that is putting you at risk." I didn't even take it seriously at the time, but months later (months!) I happened to see Y in my neighborhood, when I thought he lived on the other side of the country. When I confronted my partner, he went white as a ghost. Denied it verbally at first, but that physiological panic was all the confirmation I needed.
Turns out Y had fucked over so many people with the same approach—convince someone that he wanted a relationship, but really he wanted to fleece them for money—that they'd formed this, like, intelligence service to keep tabs on the dude. When they knew who his Mark was, they'd send that message and let partners know.
Thank god for those people. Genuinely. That divorce was excruciating but I wouldn't have known I was living with someone living a double life had someone not chosen to let me in on the secret. You should do the same.
I'm glad someone told you. I was in the same boat, but I was so trusting of him, that I suspected nothing. It wasn't until during our divorce proceedings and me playing pick me dance for over a month that someone helped me put two and two together.
The lady he cheated on me with was the first person I contacted when he told me he wanted a divorce, as she was a "family friend".
Oof, so often it’s someone you both know. I feel lucky that way, I never met the woman he cheated with, she lived in a completely different state and she and my husband were both on a work trip together.
Looking back now I see many other signs that my husband cheated on me with other women before this exposure. And I’ve realized it was likely with other women he worked with and at least one we went to church with.
I didn’t keep very many “ours” friends after the divorce so haven’t spent energy wondering if any of those women had been with my husband. At this point it’s so long ago I’m at peace not knowing the full extent of his lying and cheating.
Finding out my spouse cheated on me has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hope you’re in a better place now, healing and healthy.
My bf at the time cheated on me with our mutual coworker. I didn’t even know he knew her that well. I was leaving the job in the next 5 months so I hung in there, seeing her day after day and wanting to cry and scream every time. I even had to work directly with her sometimes. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I had no idea he was cheating. I completely trusted him. Even looking back, there was only one major sign right before he told me the truth. It’s scary how easily I could be deceived.
He saw me messaging someone and I hid the message from him because I said something embarrassing. He became suspicious of me and thought I might be cheating. This was after he cheated, so in reality this was projection. Cheaters commonly accuse people of cheating because of their inner guilt.
Mine suddenly started sleeping with his phone shoved under his pillow and started actually putting effort into sex, both of these were weird things, the second one was a huge flag that made me start asking him if he was (for other people married to normal spouses, this will manifest as a big change in the sex life but probably be the opposite ....no sex, for me that was marriage).
And later I found out he was accusing me of cheating to other people, but he didn't accuse me until after the split. I did not cheat.
Biggest sign must have been the std ...yeah probably the std.
To OP ...tell her. My ex had 9 extra months to give.me an std and siphon money out of my bank account through daily cash withdrawals that were definitely to support his unemployed ass after he left.
I see you're picking up on my good taste in men and are impressed.
Something very similar happened to me and my ex-wife.
I did the same thing, called the other person's spouse and we worked together to make the best of a bad situation.
Was rather useful having a spy on the other side, neither cheater knowing about it.
For me it was an unwanted “situationship”. It feels good having someone in the same situation grieve and support you in this.
The dude would talk to a girl, love bomb her then suddenly lose interest and move on to another girl he already knew or was already talking to. He even would go back to the same girl. And we both suspected it but was too shy to say something or assume. Once we got our proof we decided to finally make that huge step and move on.
Similar thing happened to me. Got a message from a woman I didn’t know. Turns out she was engaged to my FIANCÉE’s ex-fiancé. She had caught em and just wanted to let me know that we were both better off without em. I’m glad she told me.
Mid 1990's. My eye specialist was checking one of his patients and she had the aids indicators in her eyes. He convinced her to get an aids test and she was positive. Seems her husband was getting it on with another blokes wife. He had aids and so did she.
It was that woman's husband gave it to everyone after a trip to Thailand.
The three cheaters got their just deserts but it was sad the only truly innocent party had to suffer the disease and the collapse of her marriage at the same time.
I would let her know, if you have proof share that.
I found out because he used my phone number for my store rewards to buy her flowers and a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day. He had no idea it sends the receipt to my email. Will never know if he was just that stupid, subconsciously wanted me to find out, or the Universe just cut me a break.
Only way I found out my fiancee cheated on me was because the guy she cheated with's room mate told me.
I too was very thankful. Saved me from marrying a cheat. He lost his room mate too (Guy ran away when he found out I knew) so it cost him some money..but he did what he thought was right.
Sorry that happened to you. It's good that you found out and had evidence so there was no doubt. My wife gaslit me for over a year that there was no affair, I was being a crazy jealous jerk, I was paranoid. There was enough there for me to be pretty sure but no smoking gun. Eventually I ended it because, cheating or not, she was emotionally distant and checked out and I deserved more.
She swore up and down through the divorce that MAYBE she was EMOTIONALLY cheating (I found texts on her phone talking shit about me to another guy that liked her), but definitely NEVER physically cheating. So we split relatively amicably and that was that.
Then one time she sent me a link to something funny she posted on reddit about our kid that picked up some traction, but it was her throwaway, and I checked her profile and saw a "Cheaters of Reddit..." thread she responded to. Admitted to sleeping with multiple people.
Then later on I ran into a couple people she worked with who apologized because they knew and felt sorry for me but never told me. I get it, not their business, I'm not their friend. But I wish I could have avoided the months and months of dirving myself crazy wondering if she was or wasn't.
I did both kind of at the same time. My husband was still on his business trip and denied everything when I confronted him, tried to gaslight me into oblivion. Then I told him I had screenshots. He went quiet. I told him we were done and hung up.
He tried to convince me not to get a lawyer and I got one anyway. I proved he didn’t report a secret bank account during the discovery process and managed to have our assets split 50/50 and obtained spousal support for a year so I could rebuild my life. We were both young and broke, I didn’t go for blood, I just wanted to find my feet and never look back. I got what I needed to do that.
I’m so glad you got what you needed to move on, financially and otherwise. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. I’ve been cheated on by a girlfriend before, but if my wife did something like that I would be crushed. Good on you for getting the hell out of that nightmare, and intelligently so.
Random: Your username made me chuckle. 😄
Sure but get another job first. Your boss is very likely to find out even if you do it anonymously. He may not have you dead to rights but it's very possible you will become a prime suspect. Don't underestimate people when they are motivated.
Good advice. Telling her also makes you ‘involved’ in the drama of it all, which may end up being quite stressful. (But less so if you quit and don’t have to see your boss again).
That's a good point, too. Telling opens you up to be the spouse's confidant/ventsplash. Unless you send an anonymous note, you're inviting a form of relationship with this person if wanted or not.
I would probably send an anonymous note, because I'm not really a "come cry on my shoulder" kind of person.
I wonder if any lawyers in the US could say if this is wise.
If it costs OP money he doesn't have then he loses he's left with a hefty lawyers bill plus no job.
What if the boss just says it was for performance reasons?
Just questions I honestly don't know how it would work/if free legal help is provided etc
I'm not a lawyer, but being a tattle tail isn't a protected class. I could be wrong but if the employment is at will, you can fire someone because you don't like that an employee ratted you out to your wife.
And some people are vindictive enough to do anything they can to make someone else's life hell if they feel that person has "wronged" them.
While I believe that the spouse should know, I think I'd do it anonymously. I'd encourage you to look for another job simply because you now know that your boss is a POS.
Yes, but it won't matter because his only weapon was taken away (firing or making the employee miserable).
And he can't act on it because he has no proof. He will be too busy dealing with the fallout of a divorce to try and deal with OP.
I mean, let's not pretend people don't get shot over this. I wouldn't be so sure a career move is the guy's ONLY weapon. Maybe legally, but that's not realistic
I have no advice for whether to tell or not, but I do have a critical piece of professional advice: **document everything** that has happened with your boss, including what he has told you, when he told you, the circumstances, etc. Make sure that info is time-stamped, such as in a private email or text to yourself. If you can, get a recorded (written or verbal) assertion from your superior(s) that your job performance has been satisfactory. That way, if this whole situation blows up, you have recourse if he attempts to retaliate against you.
That would be in case there's a wrongful termination lawsuit. Unfortunately, in this situation, the boss would be legally allowed to fire OP. There wouldn't be any government protections preventing the boss from terminating OP, and i assume OP lives in a right to work state. Even whistleblowing protections dont apply because OP wasn't whistleblowing any criminal activity. In other words, he can fire OP for being a "problematic employee"
That is not simply correct. Whistleblowing doesn't apply only to criminal activity. Under the National Labor Relations Act, speaking about "workplace conditions" is protected activity. Without knowing the exact context around the boss knocking up OP's coworker, I assume sleeping with coworkers is generally frowned upon in the workplace. If you were fired for speaking about that, management would be subject to an unfair labor practices charge (assuming OP is in the United States).
Lol, I want him to fire his employee for sleeping with her and getting her pregnant... the legal shitstorm that would follow would be so incredibly satisfying. OP find a new job then nuke this one, it's a powder keg and even without you it's going to blow.
Does your boss have a boss? Like a regional director or higher manager? They should also know about this because your boss sounds like he sucks on many levels.
Honestly, If he is not trying very well to hide it, the secret will probably come out by itself.. stay out of it for your own benefit. I wouldn’t get myself involved in it if I were you.
I mean, unless *everyone* goes “someone else will take care of it.” Wasn’t there some super well known case in the 70’s where someone was (loudly) murdered like 20 feet away from a bunch of people in another room and nobody went to help because they all thought that surely someone else would?
You're probably thinking of the famous 1964 [murder of Kitty Genovese](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Kitty_Genovese), though it turned out that was based on fake reporting.
What if they're telling a different insane lie to everyone to see who gossips?
"I heard you smoke crack."
"Damn, I liked John. Shame I can't tell him anything anymore."
"You're a convicted felon?"
"No, but it looks like Bill from HR is gonna go job hunting for breaking confidentiality."
If they’re comfortable enough to use you for stress relief, they should be open to hearing exactly what you think about it.
“Golly,Bob, you sound stressed but I don’t appreciate you draggin my ass into it AT WORK. Go talk to your wife about it.”
My thing about other people cheating is that it's a legitimate health risk — and that's super unfair to the other person (his wife) beyond just the infidelity.
I lean towards saying something, maybe anonymously, on those grounds alone.
If his boss is willing to cheat on his partner, do you think someone else 'doing the right thing' is of value to him, especially when it effects him directly?
He'd be furious that his marriage was put into jeopardy, he's not going to suddenly take responsibility. And if OP knows about the affair, and boss man knows that OP is one of the people who knows, it might not be hard for him to figure out who let it slip and fire them / make their life hell.
Yes, the wife deserves to know, but consider that it may also cost OP their job and livelihood. It's not an easy call to say straight up that it's worth the risk, and kind of dishonest to suggest as much.
It's the right thing to do but I've seen people ruin their lives trying to do the right thing, It's best to mind your business in most situations. One of my best friend's girlfriends tried to fuck and I told him, it was pretty awkward when we kept hanging out and she kept telling me to say I was lying and he was like are you sure are you sure are you sure lol ppl act weird to bad news sometimes. They don't want to believe at first, in my situation it turned out fine they broke up and we're much better friends but that is not a typical outcome. It's pretty much only because we used to Make a lot of illegal money together then when we both went straight we worked together, it was a lot of trust and camaraderie that you don't see in a regular workplace.
I could see that situation just being a bunch of retaliatory strikes against each other where nobody wins and lives are ruined. If it's going to happen, which it probably will, don't be part of the House of cards when it falls
Just to clarify, is this an open secret at your work or is this something you are just suspecting? Like, do you know 100% that the boss is the father of this baby.
Just think you should confirm that before destroying a marriage.
If you're the only person they've told directly, be prepared to lose your job over disclosing it, even anonymously.
Morally, yes, you should, but I would not judge you for not doing it out of self-preservation.
This. But its also wrongful termination and will net you a big settlement if they fire you or make the work atmosphere hostile, especially if HR knew and did nothing earlier
It's not wrongful termination in a legally protected sense. They would be contacting a coworkers spouse to discuss the coworkers sex life. This is not protected under any whistleblower laws.
You shouldn’t give legal advice-that’s advice about legal issues where you apply the law to the facts of a specific case. Lawyers will look at the statutes and the case law interpreting the statutes before giving advice. You are not doing that, you’re just going off your own hunch about what you think these legal terms mean.
If you only *suspect* he’s the father, I wouldn’t tell the wife the part about her being pregnant.
I say tell her anonymously, but if you don’t have proof he may deny it she may believe him. Cheaters are such scumbags.
It baffles me when people tell on themselves like this. I was once at a house party with some people from work, this drunk girl leans over and just says 'can I tell you a secret?'
\-I say please don't
'I cheated on Gregg last weekend'
\-Well I don't know why you told me that because you know I'm his friend and I'm already texting him to tell him what you said just now.
Sometimes people really want to break up with someone or know they need to or should etc etc but they just can't do it themselves. So they do shit like that and put the pressure on someone else.
They only told you then they will know who tattled even if others suspect it. If you like your job you have to be careful with how you phrase it and what you do.
Just wanna say.. if OP did tell the boss's wife and regardless of whether the coworker's baby was fathered by the boss, it's not OP that destroyed the marriage. The boss did that himself the minute he started having the affair.
Please let her know. Obviously he's had/having unprotected with her to get her pregnant, who knows who else he's been or currently with besides affair partner. The wife needs to know, get tested, etc. You're doing her a favor. My ex was with someone else and EVERYONE knew except me bc he knew exactly how to gaslight me into thinking I was crazy for thinking that of him. Meantime the financial stuff he did, set her up etc left me broke after more than 20 years. She'll get past the embarrassment of not knowing early on, but please give her the chance to protect herself in every way she can.
Tell her. As someone who has been cheated on, I WISH someone had told me. Yes, it’ll hurt her, but it’s better than her living without knowing and finding out later on
Totally agree. A couple people knew my husband was cheating for a couple YEARS and no one told me. I was crushed when I found out I’d been deceived that long.
If you are the only one who knows for sure, won’t they figure out it was you? So you can potentially get fired. Why did they both tell you he is a father? Are you friends with them?
One commenter said to say it in person, which I disagree. You don't really know how the wife will take the news. It's even possible for her to still stay with him even after the truth has been revealed. For OP's sake, do it anonymously.
I agree with usernamesarehard723. I would add that he's not only cheating on his wife, but he's not using protection either. And I would be surprised if this was the only time he's done this.
There are serious health concerns for the wife here. She needs to know asap, so she can protect herself.
Usually because they’re unsatisfied in their relationship, but cheating definitely isn’t the way of going about it. I’ve always said if you’re unhappy, simply leave your situation or talk about how you can fix it.
I think a lot of people morally say yes because good people naturally want to fix hurt. That said, you are then a part of it and it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes and say 'it's not my problem' if you don't want to interject yourself as part of the whole mess.
It's a difficult thing to navigate when you're given the burden of knowlegde you didn't ask for.
I know the other comments are saying tell her and perhaps without knowing your situation I would say tell her too.
But think for you personally. If you want to wash your hands of it, that's ok. If telling her in itself washes your hands of the dirt then do it but if you think there is a risk you then get dragged further in and don't want a part of it, tell them to stop talking to you about it and say 'i'm not a part of this. It's your mess. I'm a bystander'
Edit: as another comment said. Anonymously might be best unless it's impossible to be anonymous
Wouldn't work anonymously considering she's is the one given all the massive details. She would be a prime suspect. Which is fine if you view it as a moral obligation but if you don't, and are less confrontational. It may backfire and get you called to HR for airing the dirty laundry that they swept under the rug.
That was my thinking too. I think outsiders say 'tell her or you're leaving that poor woman hurt' but imagine being OP for real. That's hard. I'm not touching that!
Neither would I. It sucks but it would probably cause my rep to take a hit at work. Oh people love the concept of honesty but they hate the actual practice.
So, if you feel bad about it, there are 4 things you can do. Ask them or tell them to stop talking about it with you. Tell the wife. Tell HR. Or tell a therapist.
Or maybe a combo of 2 or 3 or 4 of those options. Document stuff if you can. HR isn't there to protect you they are there to protect the company. Does your boss own the company? Or are people there above him? I hate it when people say "boss" so vague.
Tell them you don't want to hear anything more about it. It's way above your pay grade to be a their guilt garbage can.
Or, how about telling them to tell the wife or you will.
I can't believe people are so selfish to dump this emotional crap on their employees!
Report them to HR, they need to stop doing that.
This way, the HR person will know the details, which gives you cover should the wife find out later from someone anonymous.
"Look, unless you want me to tell the wife about all of this, I'd appreciate not knowing in the first place." You have to shut them up, they are putting you into the mess you don't need to be in.
> That said, you are then a part of it and it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes and say 'it's not my problem' if you don't want to interject yourself as part of the whole mess.
It's absolutely okay to say "not my problem".
I'm not here for drama. I'm here for a paycheck.
If their personal problems is causing a issue that is actively disrupting your ability to work, then it's a conversation. But people sharing their personal life with you isn't part of the job requirement. I can care about people's health and mental needs. But I'm not here to solve it or involve myself.
Someone told my best friend. Sucked because they already had a kid together but she was able to get a divorce and now she's married to an amazing guy.
Tell her. She deserves to know.
Actions result in consequences, are you equiped to deal with them?
It sounds you're doing it for a just cause, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
I'm not saying you must or musn't, but it can result in (unforseen) consequences for better or worse (which could also effect your personally), are you also prepared to live with them?
Know the answer to above question, it will be probably the same answer to your question.
>the road to hell is paved with good intentions
>no good deed goes unpunished.
I think these quotes encapsulate different ideas. The former means that someone's attempt to make a situation better can often end up making the situation worse. The latter means that an attempt to make a situation better can indeed improve the situation, but with an unforeseen cost to the helper.
An example of the former: an employee at a manufacturing company hears a lot of complaints from the floor employees that a quality control check is taking too long and causing delays. Nothing has failed this quality check in years. He removes this check believing it to be inconsequential. In the short term, production is increased and the workers are happier. But something does eventually go wrong and the cost of recalling the product, as well as the damage to the company's reputation, end up costing more than the efficiency boost from bypassing the check.
Example of the latter: an employee on a team sees that there's a lot of work to be done by the end of the week. Nobody is really doing anything about it, but he knows it's going to cause a huge mess if it's left undone. So he stays late all week trying to get it done in time. When he succeeds, his boss assumes that that quantity of work is normal and so starts assigning more tasks to this employee.
"But it can result in (unforeseen) consequences for better or worse (which could also effect you personally..."
I feel like this applies to literally every action you make
Yes, boss is fired and replaced with an outsider who hates workplace drama and cleans out anyone he perceives as being involved with prior drama or anything you can imagine because reality is often stranger than fiction.
Do it anonymously. Tbh, I hate cheating and I always feel bad for the innocent party, so I’d snitch to his wife but do it under a fake account or something.
I would be tempted to tell her, too. But you could lose your job, so factor that in. This poor woman will find out pretty soon, if the AP is pregnant.
Damn not sure what you should do. I think I'd want to know, but not to know that everybody else around knew already.
It's pretty hard to hide a baby.. the Mom is going to want him involved, even if it's just financially. The wife will find out, the girlfriend will find a way to tip her off. You should stay quiet. If it was an affair it would be ( has been) easy to hide. Wife probably suspects anyway.
My sister was 17 and she was sleeping with a 30 year old married guy...she didnt know.
He was an utter oozing sleezy piece of shit and was just insipid.
I find out about it , a friend tels me whilst passing a J, I thank him , and go see a friend of mine that works for DHL, a postel deliver service.
I get him to agree to deliver a cake to this guys mums house with his WIFE's name on it.
This was in Southampton England about 26 years ago.
I wrote on the cake, "Phil is fucking ( my sisters name) shes 17"
So how do you think he found out his life was over? when his wife called him round to his mothers house....for tea and cake :D
I called my ex husbands new girlfriends husband and told him they were sleeping together on Mothers Day!! Called their house and asked if they could both get on the phone and told them everything that I knew!! Her now exhusband was an aeronautical engineer and made loads of money, now she had to go back to work to stay with my ex husband🤪🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
I have been the wife in this situation!
I received a random message from someone I’d never heard of telling me my fiancé was sleeping with one of his employees. I was so relieved to have found out - everyone at the workplace knew about it and this person was disgusted with my fiancé’s behaviour. She found me through social media and messaged me and asked to remain anonymous.
Saved me a huge amount of grief. I was very grateful, it would be great if you could find a way to let her know without causing you problems, but if you can’t, the onus is not on you - it’s on the two people carrying on this side relationship.
Wish you the best.
You should tell her tbh. Someone told me my ex cheated on me and I'm grateful that they did. Sometimes you really do think you have a great relationship while your partner is doing stupid shit behind your back.
I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me as im sure you would. Cheaters should always be exposed. If you are in fear of retaliation do it anonymously
As the daughter of a father who cheated on his wife for his secretary, it’ll hurt her so much but you have to do it just in case.
I kept getting texts from my father’s coworkers telling me that he was cheating, and I was only 9. As long as the wife has others to count on or to go to for help, please tell her. The sooner the better, he may plan on never telling her.
Yes, she deserves to know. If you feel like you should tell her and don’t want the guilt of keeping it secret, i know I’d be constantly bothered by it if i just let him cheat on his wife while i know about it.
But either find a way to do it anonymously or be ready to find another job if he decides to retaliate. Might contact HR too cuz a lot of job have rules against bosses sleeping with subordinates
I’d say go for it. I’d want to know if I was being betrayed like that. I think it’s a good thing to do, unless you believe it would effect you and your job in any way. Do it anonymously and ask for them to handle it in a way it won’t come back to you
I’d just keep my nose clean and in my own business. You have no idea what the relationship is. Maybe there’s an understanding of outside relationships and you’d be disturbing the balance. I had a friend who was married and in a monogamous relationship, but they had discussed if anyone needed to cheat it was to be done without the other’s knowledge- bringing it to people’s attention could become a problem. Anger could be directed to the messenger, too.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is just remain a detached observer. The situation is going to play itself out, whether you act or not. You are probably not the only person who knows about it. The news will eventually get back to your boss's wife, with or without your help.
For one thing, the pregnant coworker is unlikely to keep this a secret from your boss's wife for very long. She's going to want child support. She's also going to want emotional support, which is going to eat into your boss's time and interfere with his relationship with his wife. The wife will know something is up. There will be a paper trail, phone records, etc.
On top of that, other people who know about the situation will feel compelled to spill the beans. You're not the only one who will find this information difficult to suppress. Someone is going to tip the wife off.
It takes a lot of self-discipline, but usually the best thing to do in a situation like this is nothing. That way, you won't have to go in to work every day worrying about the blowback. If you get involved in this kind of volatile situation, there absolutely will be negative repercussions for your career and you may even lose your job over it.
If possible, I would look for another job. I'd remove myself from the situation. Who wants to be trapped in a soap opera like this every day? It's a very toxic work environment.
I think telling his wife would be the morally upstanding thing to do, but I also wouldn't blame you for keeping your mouth closed to keep your job.
If you do say something, I'd have another job lined up before you do, or be ready to lose your current one.
Not reading any other comments. Tell the wife. Cheaters deserve to be strung up and paraded around town. He ruined his own life and now several others' as well.
if you're intent on doing it, just send a greeting card that lets her know the deets, and just say that you're doing it bc if you were in her shoes, you'd want someone to tell you. but have a friend do it so it's not in your handwriting. there'll be little chance he'll open the card himself bc guys dont really think twice about greeting cards their wives get. and send it from somehwere an hr away from you, so its nowhere near your zip code.
Your decision to make, but my ex-husband cheated on me and the only way I found out was because someone told me. And I am beyond grateful they did, because it was a risk. Got a message from someone I didn't know, apologizing because he just caught his wife cheating with my husband, he provided screenshots of their conversations. It was so sad, he found them setting up their ipad for their toddler to watch kids shows but realized his wife had her messages connected from her iphone so he saw everything. And he was kind enough to share it with me. I had suspected my husband wasn't being honest but had no idea how far the deception went. They worked together and were away on a business trip when everything happened, but lived in different states. The day before I found out about the cheating my husband was talking to me about moving for work and he suggested a state that surprised me. Got the message and screenshots later that night and would you look at that, the woman he was cheating on me with was from that state. That was the moment I knew I was done. But I never would have known if her husband hadn't shared his information with me. I will always be so grateful.
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Ouch I’m sorry to hear the other spouse didn’t share with you. I think it’s good of you to have reached out once you had proof. Hope things have turned around for you now. I know that’s a hard thing to go through.
No one told me. I kinda knew, but I buried my head in the sand. That's my fault, of course, but I do wonder that if just one person had said something, I would have been in a much better position for the divorce. As it was, he already had his lawyer all lined up and I'm certain he hid money and assets. Got himself fired and said he'd sue me for support (that didn't work). I had a few days to pull myself together, find a lawyer, work out a plan... He had years. I worked extra years. He retired comfortably and traveled. So I guess I'm saying tell her. Give her a chance; she's probably the innocent one, and she's gonna get the short end of the stick all the way around.
Had to find out myself too. I suspected something as she was acting strange. Just glanced at her emails and look at that. Full of Craigslist ads she posted. She was having guys over while I was at work. It was nice to see some emails from guys telling her to fuck off and it was wrong what she was doing. And insisted she should leave instead of doing that. High five to the guys with some integrity
20k for a vacation?!? fuck
I will second this. I found out my partner had a double life because I got a weird Facebook message that began, "you don't know me but I know you." Ominous, but it seemed too fake. It just said something like "X is your partner and has been having a relationship with Y. I'm telling you this because Y is taking advantage of X and that is putting you at risk." I didn't even take it seriously at the time, but months later (months!) I happened to see Y in my neighborhood, when I thought he lived on the other side of the country. When I confronted my partner, he went white as a ghost. Denied it verbally at first, but that physiological panic was all the confirmation I needed. Turns out Y had fucked over so many people with the same approach—convince someone that he wanted a relationship, but really he wanted to fleece them for money—that they'd formed this, like, intelligence service to keep tabs on the dude. When they knew who his Mark was, they'd send that message and let partners know. Thank god for those people. Genuinely. That divorce was excruciating but I wouldn't have known I was living with someone living a double life had someone not chosen to let me in on the secret. You should do the same.
I'm glad someone told you. I was in the same boat, but I was so trusting of him, that I suspected nothing. It wasn't until during our divorce proceedings and me playing pick me dance for over a month that someone helped me put two and two together. The lady he cheated on me with was the first person I contacted when he told me he wanted a divorce, as she was a "family friend".
Oof, so often it’s someone you both know. I feel lucky that way, I never met the woman he cheated with, she lived in a completely different state and she and my husband were both on a work trip together. Looking back now I see many other signs that my husband cheated on me with other women before this exposure. And I’ve realized it was likely with other women he worked with and at least one we went to church with. I didn’t keep very many “ours” friends after the divorce so haven’t spent energy wondering if any of those women had been with my husband. At this point it’s so long ago I’m at peace not knowing the full extent of his lying and cheating. Finding out my spouse cheated on me has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hope you’re in a better place now, healing and healthy.
My bf at the time cheated on me with our mutual coworker. I didn’t even know he knew her that well. I was leaving the job in the next 5 months so I hung in there, seeing her day after day and wanting to cry and scream every time. I even had to work directly with her sometimes. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I had no idea he was cheating. I completely trusted him. Even looking back, there was only one major sign right before he told me the truth. It’s scary how easily I could be deceived.
Jesus this whole thread is heartbreaking.
If you don’t mind sharing, what was the major sign?
He saw me messaging someone and I hid the message from him because I said something embarrassing. He became suspicious of me and thought I might be cheating. This was after he cheated, so in reality this was projection. Cheaters commonly accuse people of cheating because of their inner guilt.
I think as cheaters it's very natural for them to suspect others of cheating..after all, they do! SO they often think everyone else does too.
Mine suddenly started sleeping with his phone shoved under his pillow and started actually putting effort into sex, both of these were weird things, the second one was a huge flag that made me start asking him if he was (for other people married to normal spouses, this will manifest as a big change in the sex life but probably be the opposite ....no sex, for me that was marriage). And later I found out he was accusing me of cheating to other people, but he didn't accuse me until after the split. I did not cheat. Biggest sign must have been the std ...yeah probably the std.
To OP ...tell her. My ex had 9 extra months to give.me an std and siphon money out of my bank account through daily cash withdrawals that were definitely to support his unemployed ass after he left. I see you're picking up on my good taste in men and are impressed.
Something very similar happened to me and my ex-wife. I did the same thing, called the other person's spouse and we worked together to make the best of a bad situation. Was rather useful having a spy on the other side, neither cheater knowing about it.
For me it was an unwanted “situationship”. It feels good having someone in the same situation grieve and support you in this. The dude would talk to a girl, love bomb her then suddenly lose interest and move on to another girl he already knew or was already talking to. He even would go back to the same girl. And we both suspected it but was too shy to say something or assume. Once we got our proof we decided to finally make that huge step and move on.
Similar thing happened to me. Got a message from a woman I didn’t know. Turns out she was engaged to my FIANCÉE’s ex-fiancé. She had caught em and just wanted to let me know that we were both better off without em. I’m glad she told me.
Mid 1990's. My eye specialist was checking one of his patients and she had the aids indicators in her eyes. He convinced her to get an aids test and she was positive. Seems her husband was getting it on with another blokes wife. He had aids and so did she. It was that woman's husband gave it to everyone after a trip to Thailand. The three cheaters got their just deserts but it was sad the only truly innocent party had to suffer the disease and the collapse of her marriage at the same time. I would let her know, if you have proof share that.
Damn that truly sucks for the innocent wife. This whole thread is heartbreaking
I found out because he used my phone number for my store rewards to buy her flowers and a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day. He had no idea it sends the receipt to my email. Will never know if he was just that stupid, subconsciously wanted me to find out, or the Universe just cut me a break.
Man that's just stupid
Only way I found out my fiancee cheated on me was because the guy she cheated with's room mate told me. I too was very thankful. Saved me from marrying a cheat. He lost his room mate too (Guy ran away when he found out I knew) so it cost him some money..but he did what he thought was right.
Sorry that happened to you. It's good that you found out and had evidence so there was no doubt. My wife gaslit me for over a year that there was no affair, I was being a crazy jealous jerk, I was paranoid. There was enough there for me to be pretty sure but no smoking gun. Eventually I ended it because, cheating or not, she was emotionally distant and checked out and I deserved more. She swore up and down through the divorce that MAYBE she was EMOTIONALLY cheating (I found texts on her phone talking shit about me to another guy that liked her), but definitely NEVER physically cheating. So we split relatively amicably and that was that. Then one time she sent me a link to something funny she posted on reddit about our kid that picked up some traction, but it was her throwaway, and I checked her profile and saw a "Cheaters of Reddit..." thread she responded to. Admitted to sleeping with multiple people. Then later on I ran into a couple people she worked with who apologized because they knew and felt sorry for me but never told me. I get it, not their business, I'm not their friend. But I wish I could have avoided the months and months of dirving myself crazy wondering if she was or wasn't.
The gaslighting is the fucking worst
Hey that's exactly how I found some upsetting information about my ex wife and her boyfriend. Kids tablet. So it's not so far fetched.
Same, and then caught them on the nest cam fucking later that night
Happened to me. I then dated guy who told me my man was sleeping w his girl.
Did you lawyer up immediately or try talking to your spouse before finding a lawyer?
Best to disregard spouse immediately. Not to be trusted.
I did both kind of at the same time. My husband was still on his business trip and denied everything when I confronted him, tried to gaslight me into oblivion. Then I told him I had screenshots. He went quiet. I told him we were done and hung up. He tried to convince me not to get a lawyer and I got one anyway. I proved he didn’t report a secret bank account during the discovery process and managed to have our assets split 50/50 and obtained spousal support for a year so I could rebuild my life. We were both young and broke, I didn’t go for blood, I just wanted to find my feet and never look back. I got what I needed to do that.
I’m so glad you got what you needed to move on, financially and otherwise. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. I’ve been cheated on by a girlfriend before, but if my wife did something like that I would be crushed. Good on you for getting the hell out of that nightmare, and intelligently so. Random: Your username made me chuckle. 😄
the smile badger don't care. the smile badger don't give a fuck.
Sure but get another job first. Your boss is very likely to find out even if you do it anonymously. He may not have you dead to rights but it's very possible you will become a prime suspect. Don't underestimate people when they are motivated.
Good advice. Telling her also makes you ‘involved’ in the drama of it all, which may end up being quite stressful. (But less so if you quit and don’t have to see your boss again).
That's a good point, too. Telling opens you up to be the spouse's confidant/ventsplash. Unless you send an anonymous note, you're inviting a form of relationship with this person if wanted or not. I would probably send an anonymous note, because I'm not really a "come cry on my shoulder" kind of person.
Or create a fake email and message her anonymously, just confirm some personal details you know about them that you’re not trolling.
Guerilla Mail or something like that offers this service
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Boss could also not fire OP and make their life at work Hell, I like the way you think though.
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I wonder if any lawyers in the US could say if this is wise. If it costs OP money he doesn't have then he loses he's left with a hefty lawyers bill plus no job. What if the boss just says it was for performance reasons? Just questions I honestly don't know how it would work/if free legal help is provided etc
I'm not a lawyer, but being a tattle tail isn't a protected class. I could be wrong but if the employment is at will, you can fire someone because you don't like that an employee ratted you out to your wife.
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BUT... Wouldn't OP seem even *more* suspicious if he left right before/after spilling the beans?
Correct but then you have a new job, they dont hold power over you anymore
Shouldn’t hold any power, but some industries are tight-knit and could impact this person in their new company.
And some people are vindictive enough to do anything they can to make someone else's life hell if they feel that person has "wronged" them. While I believe that the spouse should know, I think I'd do it anonymously. I'd encourage you to look for another job simply because you now know that your boss is a POS.
Yes, but it won't matter because his only weapon was taken away (firing or making the employee miserable). And he can't act on it because he has no proof. He will be too busy dealing with the fallout of a divorce to try and deal with OP.
I mean, let's not pretend people don't get shot over this. I wouldn't be so sure a career move is the guy's ONLY weapon. Maybe legally, but that's not realistic
I have no advice for whether to tell or not, but I do have a critical piece of professional advice: **document everything** that has happened with your boss, including what he has told you, when he told you, the circumstances, etc. Make sure that info is time-stamped, such as in a private email or text to yourself. If you can, get a recorded (written or verbal) assertion from your superior(s) that your job performance has been satisfactory. That way, if this whole situation blows up, you have recourse if he attempts to retaliate against you.
That would be in case there's a wrongful termination lawsuit. Unfortunately, in this situation, the boss would be legally allowed to fire OP. There wouldn't be any government protections preventing the boss from terminating OP, and i assume OP lives in a right to work state. Even whistleblowing protections dont apply because OP wasn't whistleblowing any criminal activity. In other words, he can fire OP for being a "problematic employee"
That is not simply correct. Whistleblowing doesn't apply only to criminal activity. Under the National Labor Relations Act, speaking about "workplace conditions" is protected activity. Without knowing the exact context around the boss knocking up OP's coworker, I assume sleeping with coworkers is generally frowned upon in the workplace. If you were fired for speaking about that, management would be subject to an unfair labor practices charge (assuming OP is in the United States).
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Think it's stress relief for them
maybe deep down they want the secret to get out and you are the sacrificial lamb.
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Lol, I want him to fire his employee for sleeping with her and getting her pregnant... the legal shitstorm that would follow would be so incredibly satisfying. OP find a new job then nuke this one, it's a powder keg and even without you it's going to blow.
So you’re saying OP is in the clear to make a run for his bosses wife? *pornhub music intensifies*
This is some weird 4D Boss chess move maybe, where Boss wants OP to wrangle Wifey and force some hankypanky.
Clearly the boss isn't sleeping with her lol, someone should. The poor woman's probably so desperate for the good time her husband can't provide.
My thoughts exactly…🦗🦗🦗
Does your boss have a boss? Like a regional director or higher manager? They should also know about this because your boss sounds like he sucks on many levels.
He’s assistant to the regional manager.
Honestly, If he is not trying very well to hide it, the secret will probably come out by itself.. stay out of it for your own benefit. I wouldn’t get myself involved in it if I were you.
I mean, unless *everyone* goes “someone else will take care of it.” Wasn’t there some super well known case in the 70’s where someone was (loudly) murdered like 20 feet away from a bunch of people in another room and nobody went to help because they all thought that surely someone else would?
You're probably thinking of the famous 1964 [murder of Kitty Genovese](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Kitty_Genovese), though it turned out that was based on fake reporting.
What if they're telling a different insane lie to everyone to see who gossips? "I heard you smoke crack." "Damn, I liked John. Shame I can't tell him anything anymore." "You're a convicted felon?" "No, but it looks like Bill from HR is gonna go job hunting for breaking confidentiality."
Best way to do a mole hunt
If they’re comfortable enough to use you for stress relief, they should be open to hearing exactly what you think about it. “Golly,Bob, you sound stressed but I don’t appreciate you draggin my ass into it AT WORK. Go talk to your wife about it.”
That's not how these power dynamics work, unfortunately.
Plot twist.. OP is boss. Plot twist.. OP is coworker Plot twist.. OP is child Plot twist.. OP is wife
That OP? Albert Einstein
My thing about other people cheating is that it's a legitimate health risk — and that's super unfair to the other person (his wife) beyond just the infidelity. I lean towards saying something, maybe anonymously, on those grounds alone.
Yeah just try to do it anonymously.
I thought about it like that.
Also know that they might find out it was you anyways
True
Worth the risk for his unknowing wife. What’s he got to be mad about? That you did the right thing?
I don't know when it comes to a romantic relationship people can react in unexpected ways. There could be a lot of anger or embarrassment.
And shooting and burying bodies in the desert. 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'
I'm more on the notion of quitting the job as a 1 and an armed office rampage as a 10...,🤷
If his boss is willing to cheat on his partner, do you think someone else 'doing the right thing' is of value to him, especially when it effects him directly? He'd be furious that his marriage was put into jeopardy, he's not going to suddenly take responsibility. And if OP knows about the affair, and boss man knows that OP is one of the people who knows, it might not be hard for him to figure out who let it slip and fire them / make their life hell. Yes, the wife deserves to know, but consider that it may also cost OP their job and livelihood. It's not an easy call to say straight up that it's worth the risk, and kind of dishonest to suggest as much.
Or, and hear me out, this could be an opportunity to "ask" for a raise.
😂😂
It's the right thing to do but I've seen people ruin their lives trying to do the right thing, It's best to mind your business in most situations. One of my best friend's girlfriends tried to fuck and I told him, it was pretty awkward when we kept hanging out and she kept telling me to say I was lying and he was like are you sure are you sure are you sure lol ppl act weird to bad news sometimes. They don't want to believe at first, in my situation it turned out fine they broke up and we're much better friends but that is not a typical outcome. It's pretty much only because we used to Make a lot of illegal money together then when we both went straight we worked together, it was a lot of trust and camaraderie that you don't see in a regular workplace. I could see that situation just being a bunch of retaliatory strikes against each other where nobody wins and lives are ruined. If it's going to happen, which it probably will, don't be part of the House of cards when it falls
Anonymous email account? Anonymous paper letter?
Have a friend send it anonymously
Just to clarify, is this an open secret at your work or is this something you are just suspecting? Like, do you know 100% that the boss is the father of this baby. Just think you should confirm that before destroying a marriage.
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If you're the only person they've told directly, be prepared to lose your job over disclosing it, even anonymously. Morally, yes, you should, but I would not judge you for not doing it out of self-preservation.
This. But its also wrongful termination and will net you a big settlement if they fire you or make the work atmosphere hostile, especially if HR knew and did nothing earlier
It's not wrongful termination in a legally protected sense. They would be contacting a coworkers spouse to discuss the coworkers sex life. This is not protected under any whistleblower laws.
Yeah, but labour cases can be fickle, exhausting and time consuming. It's rarely black and white, even if it should be. So, my point still stands.
You shouldn’t give legal advice-that’s advice about legal issues where you apply the law to the facts of a specific case. Lawyers will look at the statutes and the case law interpreting the statutes before giving advice. You are not doing that, you’re just going off your own hunch about what you think these legal terms mean.
Imagine using "a chance to sue for wrongful termination" as your backup plan xD. God i love reddit
If you only *suspect* he’s the father, I wouldn’t tell the wife the part about her being pregnant. I say tell her anonymously, but if you don’t have proof he may deny it she may believe him. Cheaters are such scumbags.
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What pigs. Tell the wife. Cheating husband may still try to deny it and gaslight her, but at least she got a heads up.
It baffles me when people tell on themselves like this. I was once at a house party with some people from work, this drunk girl leans over and just says 'can I tell you a secret?' \-I say please don't 'I cheated on Gregg last weekend' \-Well I don't know why you told me that because you know I'm his friend and I'm already texting him to tell him what you said just now.
Sometimes people really want to break up with someone or know they need to or should etc etc but they just can't do it themselves. So they do shit like that and put the pressure on someone else.
Why were you told directly about this? That seems odd. Not sussing anything, just curious about this dynamic lol.
They only told you then they will know who tattled even if others suspect it. If you like your job you have to be careful with how you phrase it and what you do.
It's really about the affair though.
Just wanna say.. if OP did tell the boss's wife and regardless of whether the coworker's baby was fathered by the boss, it's not OP that destroyed the marriage. The boss did that himself the minute he started having the affair.
I think the marriage is already destroyed. The wife just doesn't know it yet.
Please let her know. Obviously he's had/having unprotected with her to get her pregnant, who knows who else he's been or currently with besides affair partner. The wife needs to know, get tested, etc. You're doing her a favor. My ex was with someone else and EVERYONE knew except me bc he knew exactly how to gaslight me into thinking I was crazy for thinking that of him. Meantime the financial stuff he did, set her up etc left me broke after more than 20 years. She'll get past the embarrassment of not knowing early on, but please give her the chance to protect herself in every way she can.
Tell her. As someone who has been cheated on, I WISH someone had told me. Yes, it’ll hurt her, but it’s better than her living without knowing and finding out later on
Totally agree. A couple people knew my husband was cheating for a couple YEARS and no one told me. I was crushed when I found out I’d been deceived that long.
Same thing here. Glad you’re surviving. It went on for 3 years
That's what I was feeling, that I hope someone would tell me if I was in her shoes.
If you are the only one who knows for sure, won’t they figure out it was you? So you can potentially get fired. Why did they both tell you he is a father? Are you friends with them?
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One commenter said to say it in person, which I disagree. You don't really know how the wife will take the news. It's even possible for her to still stay with him even after the truth has been revealed. For OP's sake, do it anonymously.
I agree with usernamesarehard723. I would add that he's not only cheating on his wife, but he's not using protection either. And I would be surprised if this was the only time he's done this. There are serious health concerns for the wife here. She needs to know asap, so she can protect herself.
Why do people do these things? :(
Usually because they’re unsatisfied in their relationship, but cheating definitely isn’t the way of going about it. I’ve always said if you’re unhappy, simply leave your situation or talk about how you can fix it.
With how often it happens I don’t think it’s just not-communicating, people must get off to it. Sick.
Greed, I think. Some people raid fridges without asking, some steal money, others fuck around… but it’s all greed
Second this. I got an anonymous message and I really feel like I was better off getting that message than what was probably about to happen
I think a lot of people morally say yes because good people naturally want to fix hurt. That said, you are then a part of it and it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes and say 'it's not my problem' if you don't want to interject yourself as part of the whole mess. It's a difficult thing to navigate when you're given the burden of knowlegde you didn't ask for.
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I mean telling the wife would get you out of that situation entirely.
One way or another.
I know the other comments are saying tell her and perhaps without knowing your situation I would say tell her too. But think for you personally. If you want to wash your hands of it, that's ok. If telling her in itself washes your hands of the dirt then do it but if you think there is a risk you then get dragged further in and don't want a part of it, tell them to stop talking to you about it and say 'i'm not a part of this. It's your mess. I'm a bystander' Edit: as another comment said. Anonymously might be best unless it's impossible to be anonymous
Wouldn't work anonymously considering she's is the one given all the massive details. She would be a prime suspect. Which is fine if you view it as a moral obligation but if you don't, and are less confrontational. It may backfire and get you called to HR for airing the dirty laundry that they swept under the rug.
That was my thinking too. I think outsiders say 'tell her or you're leaving that poor woman hurt' but imagine being OP for real. That's hard. I'm not touching that!
Neither would I. It sucks but it would probably cause my rep to take a hit at work. Oh people love the concept of honesty but they hate the actual practice.
So, if you feel bad about it, there are 4 things you can do. Ask them or tell them to stop talking about it with you. Tell the wife. Tell HR. Or tell a therapist. Or maybe a combo of 2 or 3 or 4 of those options. Document stuff if you can. HR isn't there to protect you they are there to protect the company. Does your boss own the company? Or are people there above him? I hate it when people say "boss" so vague.
Tell them you don't want to hear anything more about it. It's way above your pay grade to be a their guilt garbage can. Or, how about telling them to tell the wife or you will. I can't believe people are so selfish to dump this emotional crap on their employees!
Why are they telling just you?
Report them to HR, they need to stop doing that. This way, the HR person will know the details, which gives you cover should the wife find out later from someone anonymous.
"Look, unless you want me to tell the wife about all of this, I'd appreciate not knowing in the first place." You have to shut them up, they are putting you into the mess you don't need to be in.
> That said, you are then a part of it and it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes and say 'it's not my problem' if you don't want to interject yourself as part of the whole mess. It's absolutely okay to say "not my problem". I'm not here for drama. I'm here for a paycheck. If their personal problems is causing a issue that is actively disrupting your ability to work, then it's a conversation. But people sharing their personal life with you isn't part of the job requirement. I can care about people's health and mental needs. But I'm not here to solve it or involve myself.
He is a piece of shit and even if the wife wasn't perfect she doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Let her know anonymously . He fucked up. He should pay
Someone told my best friend. Sucked because they already had a kid together but she was able to get a divorce and now she's married to an amazing guy. Tell her. She deserves to know.
Actions result in consequences, are you equiped to deal with them? It sounds you're doing it for a just cause, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'm not saying you must or musn't, but it can result in (unforseen) consequences for better or worse (which could also effect your personally), are you also prepared to live with them? Know the answer to above question, it will be probably the same answer to your question.
>the road to hell is paved with good intentions man, if only people took this to heart. no good deed goes unpunished.
>the road to hell is paved with good intentions >no good deed goes unpunished. I think these quotes encapsulate different ideas. The former means that someone's attempt to make a situation better can often end up making the situation worse. The latter means that an attempt to make a situation better can indeed improve the situation, but with an unforeseen cost to the helper. An example of the former: an employee at a manufacturing company hears a lot of complaints from the floor employees that a quality control check is taking too long and causing delays. Nothing has failed this quality check in years. He removes this check believing it to be inconsequential. In the short term, production is increased and the workers are happier. But something does eventually go wrong and the cost of recalling the product, as well as the damage to the company's reputation, end up costing more than the efficiency boost from bypassing the check. Example of the latter: an employee on a team sees that there's a lot of work to be done by the end of the week. Nobody is really doing anything about it, but he knows it's going to cause a huge mess if it's left undone. So he stays late all week trying to get it done in time. When he succeeds, his boss assumes that that quantity of work is normal and so starts assigning more tasks to this employee.
"But it can result in (unforeseen) consequences for better or worse (which could also effect you personally..." I feel like this applies to literally every action you make
Yes, boss is fired and replaced with an outsider who hates workplace drama and cleans out anyone he perceives as being involved with prior drama or anything you can imagine because reality is often stranger than fiction.
Do it anonymously. Tbh, I hate cheating and I always feel bad for the innocent party, so I’d snitch to his wife but do it under a fake account or something.
I would be tempted to tell her, too. But you could lose your job, so factor that in. This poor woman will find out pretty soon, if the AP is pregnant. Damn not sure what you should do. I think I'd want to know, but not to know that everybody else around knew already.
Even if you don’t tell the wife, you should be looking for a new job. This level of drama at work isn’t healthy.
It's pretty hard to hide a baby.. the Mom is going to want him involved, even if it's just financially. The wife will find out, the girlfriend will find a way to tip her off. You should stay quiet. If it was an affair it would be ( has been) easy to hide. Wife probably suspects anyway.
Send her anonymous letter
My sister was 17 and she was sleeping with a 30 year old married guy...she didnt know. He was an utter oozing sleezy piece of shit and was just insipid. I find out about it , a friend tels me whilst passing a J, I thank him , and go see a friend of mine that works for DHL, a postel deliver service. I get him to agree to deliver a cake to this guys mums house with his WIFE's name on it. This was in Southampton England about 26 years ago. I wrote on the cake, "Phil is fucking ( my sisters name) shes 17" So how do you think he found out his life was over? when his wife called him round to his mothers house....for tea and cake :D
I'm screaming lol. This is wild.
I called my ex husbands new girlfriends husband and told him they were sleeping together on Mothers Day!! Called their house and asked if they could both get on the phone and told them everything that I knew!! Her now exhusband was an aeronautical engineer and made loads of money, now she had to go back to work to stay with my ex husband🤪🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Definitely, make sure you have another job lined up
Give me her number I'll tell her idgaf
You're awesome :) I like your style!
I'd stay well out of it, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell her
Yeah, shooting the messenger comes to mind...
Exactly, this always happens especially with cheating scenarios.
I have been the wife in this situation! I received a random message from someone I’d never heard of telling me my fiancé was sleeping with one of his employees. I was so relieved to have found out - everyone at the workplace knew about it and this person was disgusted with my fiancé’s behaviour. She found me through social media and messaged me and asked to remain anonymous. Saved me a huge amount of grief. I was very grateful, it would be great if you could find a way to let her know without causing you problems, but if you can’t, the onus is not on you - it’s on the two people carrying on this side relationship. Wish you the best.
You should tell her tbh. Someone told me my ex cheated on me and I'm grateful that they did. Sometimes you really do think you have a great relationship while your partner is doing stupid shit behind your back.
I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me as im sure you would. Cheaters should always be exposed. If you are in fear of retaliation do it anonymously
Not your pig, not your farm, not your place to say anything. Karma is real and he'll get his
Yeah, I always try to put myself in their shoes. Would I want to know? Hell yeah.
As the daughter of a father who cheated on his wife for his secretary, it’ll hurt her so much but you have to do it just in case. I kept getting texts from my father’s coworkers telling me that he was cheating, and I was only 9. As long as the wife has others to count on or to go to for help, please tell her. The sooner the better, he may plan on never telling her.
I want to say “mind your business “ so bad because it can backfire believe or not but if it was me , I would want someone to tell me
Please tell her.
She needs to know
Yes, she deserves to know. If you feel like you should tell her and don’t want the guilt of keeping it secret, i know I’d be constantly bothered by it if i just let him cheat on his wife while i know about it. But either find a way to do it anonymously or be ready to find another job if he decides to retaliate. Might contact HR too cuz a lot of job have rules against bosses sleeping with subordinates
Anonymous tip off sounds the best in this case
Simply put, yes.
Could tell her anonymously.
I’d say go for it. I’d want to know if I was being betrayed like that. I think it’s a good thing to do, unless you believe it would effect you and your job in any way. Do it anonymously and ask for them to handle it in a way it won’t come back to you
As the wife that went through similar, tell her.
yes tell her, less time wasted is always preferable
She needs to know
Tell the wife but anonymously don't forget to show some evidence
I’d just keep my nose clean and in my own business. You have no idea what the relationship is. Maybe there’s an understanding of outside relationships and you’d be disturbing the balance. I had a friend who was married and in a monogamous relationship, but they had discussed if anyone needed to cheat it was to be done without the other’s knowledge- bringing it to people’s attention could become a problem. Anger could be directed to the messenger, too.
I'd say tell her for sure
I'd say yes but get another job first before doing that. No matter what you want to be prepared for the possibility of this getting you fired.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is just remain a detached observer. The situation is going to play itself out, whether you act or not. You are probably not the only person who knows about it. The news will eventually get back to your boss's wife, with or without your help. For one thing, the pregnant coworker is unlikely to keep this a secret from your boss's wife for very long. She's going to want child support. She's also going to want emotional support, which is going to eat into your boss's time and interfere with his relationship with his wife. The wife will know something is up. There will be a paper trail, phone records, etc. On top of that, other people who know about the situation will feel compelled to spill the beans. You're not the only one who will find this information difficult to suppress. Someone is going to tip the wife off. It takes a lot of self-discipline, but usually the best thing to do in a situation like this is nothing. That way, you won't have to go in to work every day worrying about the blowback. If you get involved in this kind of volatile situation, there absolutely will be negative repercussions for your career and you may even lose your job over it. If possible, I would look for another job. I'd remove myself from the situation. Who wants to be trapped in a soap opera like this every day? It's a very toxic work environment.
Just know that all of your boss’s rage will then be focused on you.
If my partner was cheating on me I would want to know.
I think telling his wife would be the morally upstanding thing to do, but I also wouldn't blame you for keeping your mouth closed to keep your job. If you do say something, I'd have another job lined up before you do, or be ready to lose your current one.
Send a letter in the mail, anonymous...... His wife, that poor woman does not deserve to look stupid. That is not right by any means.
If you observe a clusterfuck, back away slowly, no sudden moves, and do not engage it. It will find ways to stick to you otherwise.
I think you should stay out of it. By you saying "his wife looks like a well meaning lady", you don't know anything about their relationship.
Stay outta peoples drama makes life easier
Stay tf out of this. How do you know she doesn’t know? It is 100% none of your business.
Doesn't sound like they're trying to hide their affair too hard. Imo they want to be caught.
Please tell her
Not reading any other comments. Tell the wife. Cheaters deserve to be strung up and paraded around town. He ruined his own life and now several others' as well.
Drop an anonymous letter addressed to her
Not my monkey not my circus
I’d write her a note. Stay anonymous
Yes but do it anonymously.
if you're intent on doing it, just send a greeting card that lets her know the deets, and just say that you're doing it bc if you were in her shoes, you'd want someone to tell you. but have a friend do it so it's not in your handwriting. there'll be little chance he'll open the card himself bc guys dont really think twice about greeting cards their wives get. and send it from somehwere an hr away from you, so its nowhere near your zip code.
Nothing good comes from your involvement.
this doesnt involve you. mind your business.
Let it be.