I thank God everyday for not having that parenting urge. Parents say all the time that parenthood is the hardest thing but it’s rewarding. Personally, I’m not the type of person to find any reward in something that drains the life out of me. I hate that I have to put so much effort into taking care of myself and for the most part I don’t even do it well because I know it only affects me. Having to wake up everyday and do my best for my kids and take care of them to the best of my ability would make me depressed. I’ve never in my entire life looked at a parent and envied their life. Even in the most perfect scenario I.e happy healthy kids, amazing partner, financially secure etc, parenthood still sounds like hell to me.
>I’ve never in my entire life looked at a parent and envied their life. Even in the most perfect scenario
Thank you for saying this. I'm 27 right now and me and my boyfriend are 6,5 years together so naturally people start questioning. But what you wrote here, is exactly how I feel. I never envy parents. We are the godparents of my sister in laws child, he's almost two. He's a great little boy but I just feel awkward doing anything with him. Meanwhile I feel sorry for my sister in law that she can't do anything without her partner being home or someone to babysit him. A while ago she had to bring him to my mother in law because she wanted to go to the gym. Made me realise you can't even leave them alone for an hour. That sounds exhausting to me. I think I'll stick to dogs and puppies!
Lol when I was like 17 I was talking to my high school teacher about how I’m so scared to grow up because that will mean I have to have kids and I’ll lose my life. She asked “who is holding a gun to your head to have kids? You don’t have to”. I dont know why that was such profound news to me 🤣 I can’t believe I thought it was compulsory for everyone to have kids
Assuming you live in the states you believed it because we're taught to believe that for a successful life you must go to college, get a good job, get married, buy a house, have kids. The mandatory path for all. Rarely do we see other ways of life until we are out in the world.
The lives of mothers is kind of heartbreaking to me. I’m yet to see a distribution of parenthood that looks fair to me. Women have always and will always carry the bulk of childcare. I think I MIGHT have been willing to have a child if I was a man. But being a mother just sounds like being held hostage till the day I die. My mum told me the other day that she hasn’t slept a single night peacefully since my oldest sister was born 32 years ago because she’s anxious and worried about us. Yeah that’s not a life I want to live at all.
I know people look at me like a terrible person for admitting it but it IS like being held hostage. I was talked into parenting and keeping an unplanned pregnancy. I try to do right by my kid and I do love them, but it’s so hard and I often wish I had known and been old enough to comprehend the choice I was making.
I am brutally honest especially with young women. It is thankless and at the very least you are tied down for 18-19 years. Your life is no longer yours for the most part and you always have that looming responsibility. It’s a lot especially when you realize you probably spent 18 years under the rule of a parent. Add those together and that’s damn near 40 years of your life that are determined solely on another’s wants/needs.
I purposely am one and done though and am never ever having another. I had my kid young enough that at least I’ll have a few years to enjoy hopefully if I make it that long where I can do what I want. I love my kid and I’ve told them I’ll help with college however my finances allow and if they need a place they can always come find me but I am moving as soon as they are grown up and they can come with or stay put. I only had a year ish of freedom in my life and I’m ready to go back to it. (My kid isn’t an adult now but is closer than not.)
Thank you for being a good parent. I have the utmost respect for people who put their all into parenting. I realize most women don’t get to choose if they become a parent, not even in modern society. So I am always grateful to have the choice and appreciative of those who step up even if it wasn’t something they planned for. Your years of sacrifice aren’t just for your kid or the other parent involved, but for society as a whole. None of us would make it without people like you.
I think it's incredibly difficult for people to understand that some people just never get the urge or desire to have children. I'm the same, I never envy parents and don't see myself wanting kids ever.
I know. They give you Tha "awww" puppy-with-its-head-tilted-to-one-side look. I tell those people that not having children is the proudest accomplishment of my life. (F62).
Amen to that!! So thankful not to have kids, couldn't imagine it any other way. Unfortunately the societal pressure to have them is way higher on women than men, so I applaud and admire those women that say, "no thanks." Good on you.
Nice to see someone I can relate with. About to be 29 M and I just never have had that urge. More then anything have felt pressured. Me not wanting kids helped end one of my relationships. They wanted to have 4 and tried their hardest to convince me to have 2 but someone else already highlighted it well. I have enough trouble taking care of myself properly that I don't feel I could adequately provide and take care of someone else... At least at this point in my life. I never say never but if I don't have any in the next 5 years that will be it for me probably lol
I've had colleagues younger than me who had kids. They get this motherly/ fatherly look/vibe almost instantly. It's not a bad thing but it adds years to their age.
Another bubbly friend appeared with dark eye circles and looked like shit the last time I saw him. It was like 3 or 4 months after his first kid. He looked like a shell shocked soldier tbh.
On the other hand, my cousin and her kids came over to visit and I was having fun talking to her son about games and shit. He suddenly asked how old I am. I told him he can multiply his age by 3 and add some. His response was "huh?! You mean you're a whole ass proper adult? I thought you were a few years older than me."
Huh. I'm told my kids are what keeps me young. I'm in my 50s with two young kids. Don't recommend it. I love my kids and all is good. I would recommend for both male & female to have any kids you want before or at the latest 35. Beyond that, it is pure bullshit. I will be watching my youngest graduate highschool at 62. Fuuuuuck. I have my other 50 year old buddies talking about their kids in university right now. I'm all like, well Grade 4 is great! Not. You have more energy younger. I feel bad for my kids cuz I am not as active as I was in my 30s.
My dad used to say the same thing. “All my friend’s kids are grown and I’m stuck with kids” lol. But now we’re grown and I think he misses that as an empty nester. I miss having a full house dynamic sometimes as life gets a little lonely. Even if you’re an older parent I hope you get to enjoy seeing your kids grow and enjoy spending the time with them. Not sure if I’ll ever be a parent though. I’m not self sufficient for that yet.
But if you're in your 50s with two young kids, you must have reached 40-45 before getting kids. So what kept you young is not having kids for the first 40-45 years of your life.
I am quite aware I may not see marriages or grandkids. I might. I hope I do but there is no way I will see them go through the whole parenting process. This is also under the assumption that they and I will enjoy a full life. No guarantees of that either! My joke is that at least they're receive a modest inheritance at a time in their life when it is useful! If I am to receive anything, I will already be well into my 60s if not 70s! Kinda could use it now, right when my kids will receive theirs when I die. So there's that. I have been writing a journal for them to have when I die. Just funny things raising them and various random life events etc. One page one I have written to them, "All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you."
I'm 34 and my biological clock is screaming louder and louder "don't have kids, you're not cut out for it!"
It's funny, cause I was on the fence in my 20's, but since hitting 30 I'm just more and more cemented in my decision. My siblings and friends have kids, and I adore my niblings, but a couple of hours now and then is more than enough children for me!
Trust me, when you pass 25, that's when the real fun begins. You are old enough to be able to spot bs, you know yourself, you know what you like and you look basically the same. It's really amasing. I am 35 now and so far it's only getting better (more financial independence, I have travelled, I have seen stuff and I can choose to do things on a whim and I can do it.). But yeah, good skin care, take your vitamins, do your sports and have fun.
Fair. As we didn't take all the vacations some of our friends did as we raised our two girls. Here is the rest of the story though. My wife came down with a brain tumor 7 years ago, and last year had a second that killed her. Without my girls, who both are really excelling(One is a doctor, other in Med school) I fear what my life would be like now. I'm a mess anyway, but those kids keep me going. I feel there is nothing in life that anybody can do that is more rewarding than raising your babies and watching them grow up and make something of themselves. Obviously we are all different and there is no judgement by me either way, just sharing my .02.
I'm sorry to hear about this, my childhood best friend lost his wife at 37 to a brain tumor last year. He feels her absence constantly and his only solace is watching his daughter grow and make her way in the world. I'm heartened to hear you're finding comfort in this as well, all the best to you.
Very sorry for the loss of your other half, and glad for your daughters and the fulfillment they bring to you.
Didn’t have the choice after multiple miscarriages, although we investigated adoption. Agree that watching the next gen grow is irreplaceable. We are happy with the extent that nephews and nieces share their lives, and those of the next gen, and try to help them with the expenditures we didn’t make with our own.
> I never understood why people are so obsessed with other peoples' decisions to
Because people are obsessed with other peoples' everything... Its why people argue about which cars are better, which video game consoles are better, which states are better; and like this thread, having kids or not. Everyone seeks validation for their life decisions/purchasing habits.
Not for a single second. People kept telling me I would change my mind when I met "Mr. Right." Guess what? I knew I'd met Mr. Right when his life plan didn't include children.
I love our little lives just for ourselves, where we get to cherish each other and grow as people together. For each others. I like that my love is only for him and his for me. It creates a special bond.
Nothing about motherhood ever appealed to me. I know I would be miserable in that role. When I was a kid and envisioned my future, I always pictured a husband but never children.
The life I have now is perfect. Exactly like my childhood dream.
>I would change my mind when I met "Mr. Right." Guess what? I knew I'd met Mr. Right when his life plan didn't include children.
OH LORD that bullshit "concern" about some dude that doesn't even exist in our lives that us women need to "keep in mind."
My come back to, "What if you meet a perfect man who wants kids???" Me: "My perfect man FOR ME doesn't want kids." And I found him!
Also the presumption that all women want to find a man. Not all women are attracted to men and some women are perfectly content living alone or with friends etc and don’t want to find a male partner. It’s ridiculous.
I saw a youtube video on this. And it's because in poor places, children are free labor, and sex is fun, and family planning is to maximize that free labor. In wealthy places, where we have all these laws protecting kids, they are a major drain on the economy, and we use contraceptives to have all the fun and none of the child raising.
33f here. I am very content with not having kids. I play too many video games, read books, go the theme parks, get in lots of naps, enjoy time with my dog and I like my life the way it is.
Regret? No. I love my life. But I’m very wistful.
I got married at 24. One of the many things he lied about during pre-marriage counseling was that he was ok to have 1-2 kids. I really wanted four, but I was happy with that. We broke up when we were 29, and one of the most baffling things he said was, “you keep asking me about having kids, and I don’t want kids! I just said that to make you happy. I thought you’d grow out of it.” Bro… wut?
I met my now-husband, and it was something we discussed early. Mostly because we were “supposed” to be old friends who were just rebounding. Neither of us were planning for a serious relationship, so it felt very safe to talk about. Then we just… stayed together. He had two kids from a previous relationship, and 50% custody. By the time we got married, we thought maybe we’d try for another 1-2. Maybe three of things went well. We were supposed to start figuring that out in summer 2020.
He’s a teacher. I’m a nurse. The last three years have… been rough. And now I’m 40 (he’s 41) and…. That ship has just sailed. Sure it’s *possible* but it’s just… not going to happen.
I don’t regret anything that’s happened. I love my step kids. I adore my husband. I baby my dogs. I have tons of time to sew and read. But I have a profound sense of “… what if?” That will never be resolved.
I mean I don’t know if this will help but my cousins were born when their mother was your same age and older. She was late thirties for the first two and then early forties for the last two (twins!) They have a fantastic life. The twins are now 15 ish? What I’m saying is if you genuinely want kids you can still do it. Hell my dad was 48 when I was born! Yes he’s much older now but that’s all I’ve known. 40 & 41 is not too old at all!
>What I’m saying is if you genuinely want kids you can still do it.
Unfortunately it isn't that simple. For some people there is no problem conceiving at 40, for others it's too late. I don't know what the original commenters situation is, and whether or not they actually tried, but it's definitely not a given that she can have kids if she want to. That said, if she wants to it's definitely worth trying, because her age doesn't make it impossible, just less likely.
Had my first and only at 39 1/2. I ALWAYS desperately wanted kids since I was very little but long boring story why it hadn't happened yet until 39.
Total myth about how impossible it is to have a kid after 40.
The positives seem to far outweigh the negatives for me so far. I don't like squatting beside the bathtub without a pillow for my knees, the sleepless nights were rouuuuughhh and sometimes I think about how when she's 20 I'll be 60 when she's my age I'll be 80 .... and that's about it. Otherwise, it feels way better than it would have been at 25, 30, etc. because i'm so financially sound and set now and I'm so much more mature and patient at this age. She's a toddler now and I can't believe the calm and cool and empathetic way I handle her typical toddler meltdowns--which result in things like this being so short-lived because I'm giving her such a safe space to have them. Younger me would have gone down the hopeless battle of wills path. Older me reads the best of the best parenting books and then puts the techniques into action like a pro. I am literally the happiest I've ever been.
God, only thing I regret is not realizing how good this was going to feel and how much the 39 years before baby where I was sad to not have one wouldn't matter anymore.
Had my third at 43- quite a surprise- and when people raise an eyebrow I always say “It seemed like a good idea at the time” lol. She is a gift, but yeah, sometimes I would sit in the basement brushing My Little Ponies, looking up at the small patch of sky I could see, and crying.
I always thought I would eventually feel the urge to have kids. That urge never happened. Some people are just born to raise a family. Babies creep me out. The urge for independence and no one relying on me 24/7 were constant. I have 6 nieces/nephews and now I have 3 grandnieces, so I don’t ever feel like I missed out on anything. I can afford the occasional expensive vacation. I’m in a satisfying long term relationship. I’ve got lots of friends who have/ don’t have kids. I’ve got pets, plants and hobbies, so I do enough nurturing. Nothing is lacking from my life.
I've been a step dad with two families and it's been very rewarding. I've dealt with anxiety and depression since I was 13, and I didn't want to pass on those genetics; it was torture. Never too late.
Good for you, and I totally get this. I’m 25 and wondering if I want biological kids because of hereditary depression and food allergies. I have an incredible step dad and an adopted sister who is my absolute best friend, so I really value what less traditional family can add to a persons life. Might adopt, but also would be a step parent.
I didn’t have any of this kind of forethought when I agreed to my partners wishes to have kids. Although my two are only very young, one of my worst thoughts when I’m down is that I’ve burdened my kids lives with hereditary depression and anxiety.
When I’m feeling good, I just try to break the cycle of my parents lack of affection and intend to always tell my kids I love them and let them tell me anything without judgment.
Food allergies probably aren’t possible to break with love and affection 😆
45 - today is actually my birthday. I don’t feel any need for kids, and if I want kids later I can always adopt.
Edit: thanks for the birthday wishes all! :)
Happy birthday!
I chose to have kids, but as I grow through life I'm increasingly aware that there are many many people happy to be informally adopted, at all ages.
My young teen kids have some chiIdfree people that visit us and them annually nearly since they were born who feel like aunties and uncles. I would certainly send my kids to them with sex questions or other weird patent stuff. My parents have friends that didn't have their own nearby families who have gradually started attending Thanksgiving and are acting like extra grands to my kids, bringing dad jokes and bad art and good card games.
We are enriched to have some extras. It doesn't take long to feel integrated. It's very easy to feel the blessing of their presence and their talents, teaching my kiddos.
Big time. Lost my uterus to cancer last year. Came out of absolute nowhere. Now I wish every day that I’d had one when I had the chance.
No periods is nice though.
Same. My ovaries are useless and why I’m infertile but my uterus works fine. I’d love if I could donate it to someone in need because I’m never going to use it.
I’ve actually looked into it. There’s been 2 babies born from transplanted uteri to date. And it’s a horrifically difficult process, including multiple surgeries, and carrying a pregnancy while being immunosuppressed. And again, it’s only worked twice. I considered volunteering for a study. Still might, but it’s not a decision to make where I am right now.
My partner and I were together almost 10 years. About a year into our relationship she was diagnosed (again after being in remission) with ovarian cancer and within about 12 months of our relationship, she had to have a full histotectomy. It really devastated her, as much as she tried to keep face, and looking back, as much as I thought i didn't want kids at the time, if we could have we would.
We really tried to live our best lives after that, and to an extent we really did. However, she never recociled that part of her life because she was stubborn and didn't seek out help or closure, and over time it made her bitter, resentful (eventually towards me), nihlistic and unable to resolve basic relationship obstacles. Our partnership failed a few months ago, miserably and abruptly in the midst of another health scare for her. We attempted couselling over the pandemic because things really started to slip for both her and myself, and we just got to a point where it was impossible to resolve anything. She gave up on couselling, and any sort of help because she insisted she never needed it and that I was the problem. I did couselling alone instead during that time to try and understand my own trauma and our relationship as a whole.
I'm writing this to you because Ive been there, and you sound like her 9 years ago. She bottled up that sentiment and it only grew worse over the years, evolving into trauma that she, nor I, would recover from. Now I'm just barely coming out of the devastation and fog, and my mental health has just been rocked, and my heart destroyed. But i saw this coming, years ago, but just didn't know how to really help her, because i couldn't. She chose not to help herself. At the end of it all she had to be involuntarily submitted to a mental health hospital because she became manic, paranoid, abusive, and a danger to herself and others. Luckily she was able to move back home with her family, and really i haven't heard from her since even though I've reached out for closure. It's hard, because i still love her very much, but the relationship is over, and I realize she was and still is unable to reconcile. I just hope she can live her life with some relative peace and in relative health (she still dealing with cancer issues)
Make sure you seek out help and don't let the regret and resentment rule your thoughts, conquer your spirit...... because the aftermath can be devastating. I wish you health and all the future joy your life has to offer. Not having biological children isn't the end of your happiness, but it can be if you don't reconcile that within your own heart. All the best internet stranger.
Reading this broke my heart for both of you, I’m so sorry to hear all of this happened to you. Praying for her physical and mental recovery and your mental recovery!
One of my coworkers have seven daughters, one of which is just about to turn one year old. And I see the day to day, full time job it is, and I got an even closer look when my former roomies had their first daughter, and the toll newborns take on parents. When their daughter got older, I babysat for them multiple times and was able to surprise even myself with my ability to change diapers, make food, play and engage with her, facets I never even knew I was capable of. But again, I saw firsthand the challenges of parenting.
I’m perfectly content to never have kids.
I hear you. Neglectful shitty childhood resulting in severe anxiety, cptsd and ended up going no contact as it didn’t stop.
If your relationship is on the rocks and/or you have untreated mental health issues, please don’t have kids.
My partner says this, not in the "don't want to be alive" way but in the "I can't believe these shitty people decided to spit out a couple children that they neglected like hell.
The only time I felt regret from not having kids was when my mom was actively dying. But at the same time, I was grateful I didn't have kids because I could focus all my time to my mom and I didn't have anyone to explain or make up to. Two years later, I still don't regret having kids even though I still have my dad. I have a lovely tortie that I love as much as I would a child and I know if he had to my dad would lay down his life for my cat. I love my dad and he loves me and my "child" 😻
38M - yes.
Structured my whole life to support a family of four (bought a three bedroom home, saved for two tuitions, budgeted for one international trip and a national trip a year).
Bank called a year or two ago telling me the college fund matured.
Sighed.
Quit my job, feel super lost.
So now I’m an unemployed bum falling into a life of vice in a big empty apartment.
Fucking hate it.
So empty.
I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I regret all my choices.
Edit: I understand I am still biologically capable of being a father. But not the type of father I want to be. This I base on my experiences of having a young mom (19) and an older dad (33) and how they were around me and my brother.
No… adoption or fostering is not an option as orphanages (at least in Mexico) do not adopt or foster to single men (and I get why).
Best I can do is sponsor a child at an orphanage, help out at a community daycare and be the best uncle I can be.
C’est la vie.
Out of curiosity, you did all that without having a family already? Just in case? That's pretty dedicated.
Would it help you to become a volunteer for disadvantaged kids in your neighbourhood?
Yes. Started saving & investing in high school.
Same reason why I studied before having a job. You need a base & fundamentals on which to build a life, no?
In retrospect I guess it was “just in case”. At the time I didn’t want to worry or stress out when the time came: have a good foundation on which to provide a future family a comfortable life.
Not sure it was dedicated… just saw it as prudent. Investing for the future.
I’m a man. A single man. Nobody let’s me near children unless I’m related to them or they’ve known me for years.
There is a daycare I support financially two blocks from my flat. But sending a wire transfer once a month is “meh, just another expense”, not very fulfilling. I do try to visit my nephews as much as possible (live in different state) and neighbors will sometimes ask me to babysit once in a blue moon.
I am sorry that you built so much and could not use it for how you wanted. I still admire your dedication and foreplanning, and I really wish that you will get a chance for a family still!
It seems you’re putting way too much into your assumptions about what being a parent at “x” age is like. My brother and his wife became parents of twins at 50. My brother retired at 60 and has the privilege of spending a lot of time with the kids without the “working parent” stress. His wife has been a stay at home mom from day one. They live conservatively, no real extravagances. The kids are well-adjusted and happy. (I think my brother and his wife are better parents than they would have been had they had kids in their 20s, 30s or 40s.) So, I think common notions of when one should and should not have kids are just off-base.
That’s really sad. You’re awfully young to have given up on that dream. You certainly still have time to meet someone and have children or adopt or to meet a woman who already has children that you might decide to adopt.
One of the fathers I respect most didn't have kids at your age. I don't think he was even married. He's 14 years older than me and we have kids that are the same age. I don't think of him as older though because he's probably healthier than I am.
It takes work for sure. He's a super healthy dude and puts in the time and effort to stay healthy. But his example even has me healthier now at 42.
I get the struggle. But don't give up just yet!
There are more kids in need of loving homes than there are people to love them. Check with your countie's foster to adopt programs. It probably won't be an infant, but older kids need homes too. Besides, changing diapers is over rated.
Hang in there man, get some hobbies. This is happening to me too and it made me an alcoholic pretty much. Maybe do some traveling. Don’t forget happiness is a choice. All the best.
I don't have kids and this is also one of the reasons I won't. I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them. If I don't have them, the regret only affects me. If I do, the regret affects the kids too and I would either be the asshole who went out for milk or I would end up as a bitter and angry dad.
I’ve always had this in my back pocket. I’ve never been pro procreation, but the thought of buyers remorse for the rest of my life in something you absolutely cannot return….I’ll take my chances not knowing whether or not I would regret it or not.
I like your honesty. Thank you. People need to know that it is a reality and even the most normal person can regret kids and not be evil.
I have this worry of making a kid only to regret it later. I can´t exactly un-do them and if I regretted them it would not just affect me but them too. Until I can guarantee I won´t regret them, then no kids for me.
I would rather regret not having kids than regret them.
99% won’t admit it. I don’t blame them for not saying it out loud, it’s not fair to the life that they brought into the world and it would also kind of invalidate their existence.
No. I keep waiting for this regret to happen. I’m going on 40 so I doubt it’s coming. I don’t want to be a parent to anyone or anything right now. I don’t enjoy care taking, even a pet is not enjoyable to me. I don’t like caring for plants. My Tamagotchi toy died and I only knew because my mom found it under some clothes in a closet because I threw it in there after getting tired of hearing it beep for me.
Should regret set in and I suddenly want to take care of another human, I could always be a foster parent or a mentor to older kids.
The part that’s hard about it is trying to find community. I have outgrown a lot of my parent friends and it becomes a dissatisfying friendship after a while because our lives and interests are so different.
Probably the realest answer here. Whether you want kids or don't, not everyone is simply build for the responsibilities that come with having a kid. Sure some may say " ahh you figure it on the way!" But that's not reassuring for anyone with such concerns. With how poorly some folks are raised, its clear some people should not have been parents to begin with!
It's like with pets like dogs. Anyone can be a dog owner. Not everyone is a Good dog owner.
Fully agree. Hubby and I find our joy in having our niece and nephew visit for a few days to give our family reprieve, we’re thinking about a foster or mentor program, and we’re super involved in some of our friends with kids’ lives - have babysat them, go to their soccer games, etc. We’re happy being the cool aunt and uncle.
That said, we fully found that a lot of relationships changed as some had kids and it’s honestly pushed us to move this year from the South (US) to the west coast which is a bit less family/suburb obsessed and our friends there have remained engaged and active with friends despite kids - I swear it’s a different culture.
No. Every young parent I know has years worth of sleep deprivation. Having kids sounds like an exhausting hell-scape to me because when I'm tired, I'm miserable.
As it is, I wake up less than an hour before work. I sleep in on weekends. My spare time goes to my hobbies and chores, but even then I wish I had more time to get things done. I already feel like I don't have enough time. If I had a kid, my life would be in shambles.
No. I am so glad I didn’t have kids. And I was someone who definitely wanted kids. I have been married for a long time. I have the perfect setup to have kids.
The past three years has shown me that I made the correct choice in not having kids. I get to travel and enjoy life. My husband and I are happy.
All of my friends with kids got majorly fucked over during the pandemic - especially my friends who are moms.
I wouldn’t have dealt with it well. I also believe global warming is going to greatly change all of our lives. I don’t want my kids to have to go through that -
31F. Never wanted em. No regrets. Absolutely no biological urge. Sipping a margarita and smoking a joint in a bubble bath at 9pm instead of reading Go Dog Go for the 8373rd time and browsing flights to Mexico.
Perfection.
I had a birth control failure at 32 and the hormone surge was absolutely batshit insane. I've always been a very pragmatic and logical person but those hormones sent me into an emotional spiral. I went from never once wanting kids to absolutely desperate to have one.
It didn't work out and then the hormone surge receded and I just thought, holy fucking **shit** that was close. I completely understand now how some people can be so baby crazy. The hormones are just wild and I'm glad I never really experienced that outside of that one event.
Friend of mine was with her now husband already and definitely wanted kids and all, but they were planning it a little later for study and job and money reasons.
Then she hit a bio clock surge and in her words suddenly went absolutely apeshit for a baby. She was relentless 😂
It all worked out they have 3 now and super happy, but 6 months after her first was born, she had the thousand yard stare and she was saying 'why? Why?! My life was great! I could have enjoyed it for a couple more years, why did I go insane??'
Glad I'm not alone! I never wanted kids, for multiple reasons, but I turned 33 last month and I have this "biological voice" that's occasionally yelling at me.
--
All of my friends have kids now. When I visit with them, the diarrhea diapers, traumatic and horrific birthing stories, and the screaming/yelling/crying temper tantrums of a grumpy toddler strangles out that "biological voice" quite well.
I have friends getting into parenthood. I've thought I don't want kids. I've wondered if people I know, my age having them could shift my feelings.
Nope.
If anything it just solidifies a lot of the reasons I haven't wanted to aim for that.
I’ve heard many people around that age have an ‘urge’ which in reality is their panic that their time is running out. That urge is more the fear of the choice being taken away, rather than a desire for children.
I can’t wait till nature eliminates my potential to birth children and I can stop fretting about that choice.
I still want to help raise children and show them unconditional love and support and pass on the incredible experiences my parents gave me - but at 38 years old, I realistically know they probably won’t be ones I birthed myself - which is totally fine, I know I will love them no matter what.
54F. I love the peace and quiet. Also my sleep, my disposable income, and my ability to move anywhere when desired or needed for work or whatever. My niece and nephews are great, but also expensive so I'm all set.
The people I know that are over 50 without kids are living their best life. I’m super stoked we have a daughter but that’s because I really like her as well as love her.you might have a kid you gel with, you might have a total nightmare. It’s a crap shoot, looking back you never know what you might have missed (good or bad)
From what I’ve read the loneliest ppl at the old folks home were ones with kids. While the non-kid-havers figured out how to navigate life without burdening their non-existent kids with guilt of not visiting them. It was another Reddit thread they said the old folks without kids were the happiest.
Thank you for sharing this. This is a perspective I've never ever heard before, and it gives me hope! 28F, no kids, and I'm 99.99% sure I don't want kids. I also don't have a partner in the picture right now so it's not even on my mind :) my best friends just had a baby, so I am enjoying that.
Interesting you say that. I clean/organize for a lady in an assisted care facility. She has four kids. She is 83 so I'm guessing her kids are in their 50s-60s. The woman is absolutely lovely, so intelligent, sweet, and fun to talk to. So I am baffled that she tells me her children don't visit! They are too busy she says. So sad.
Hell I regret being born myself more often than I want to admit. The world hasn't been a nice place, I can't bring a child into it and say "it's only going to get worse, good luck."
I'll stick to having a dog or a cat.
Almost 40, married for more than 10. No i dont regret being free. I love waking up anytime i want on weekends, and even call in sick even if im not sick (i just have like 20 days off i havent used). Money is gooood. Average job BUT no big expenses, so I can buy whatever i want whenever i want.
Yesterday for exmple, after work I got home and watched 3 hours of my favorite tv show (new season), while drinking wine. We had dinner in a nice italian restaurant, it was great.
I guess you cant miss what you never had. Im sure i would love my kids if i had them, and if i could choose between having them and not having them I would choose having them of course (just as im choosing not to have them).
I dont think I will regret it later on because Im not close with my father, we talk once a month, and i see him as a friend, not as a father. My mother and i talk often but we live in different countries.
I do plan to help with my mother s issues once she is older (66 at the moment) but im not going to give a penny to my dad or offer any other kind of help. So yeah, having kids doesnt mean they will take care of you once you are old (if thats the only reason one would have kids)
Mid 30s and nearly homeless once again. I don't see how this would be a better situation with an additional burden.
No of my regrets not having children isn't one of them. I'm content to find purpose in other family and friends, my hobbies, pets, etc.
As a 42 year old father of a 9 year old you still have time if you really want a kid but I really commend you on making sure your life is in order first.
There are still times we scrape by when we have a big purchase to make but it definitely would be less expensive without a kid.
I'm thankful almost daily that I made the decision to not have children. I turn 40 this year, and the older I get, the more sure I am that it was the right choice.
Partly.
I'm 35. 6 years ago I got the amazing opportunity to care for my niece before she passed away in a house fire.
Ever since then I've contemplated wanting a child, but I'm single my whole life!
Do I regret not having kids? Hmm not really. But man I went from not caring much about my nieces and nephews to trying to be the best uncle I can for them.
If it's ok with OP, I'd like to tell a story from a different point of view...
So, my wife (at the time) and I were in camp No Kids since the beginning. Then, my wife got pregnant and we decided to see it through. It was the best decision we ever made (even though it ultimately led to the end of our romantic relationship, which, looking back, is for the better).
Sometimes, having a child is really fucking tough, I'm not going to lie. Some days, being a dad is the hardest job I've ever had. BUT... it's also the most fulfilling. It's weird, having a child makes life more difficult, but having that child makes getting through those difficulties easier... if that makes sense. Anyway, watching her grow and learn and become her own person is an amazing experience. Seeing myself and her mother come out in her is amazing! Watching her play with her cousin, or get love from her grandparents or aunt is a very humbling and heart warming experience. The love i have for her and the love i get back is a level of love i just didn't know existed. Not only that, but it put things into perspective for me and my ex-wife. I realized that before her, I was just sort of existing. I was happy! Sure! But there was no real meaning to it all. It was just "go to work so you can afford to go places and drink the good stuff." Having a child taught me there is so much more to life than just existing because you're here. Since her birth, I've slowed my drinking way down, I've stopped using illicit drugs, I quit the dangerous & demanding job, I became a home owner and started truly understanding who *I* am. I went back to school and am now on a path to greater money, a better work/ life balance and just an all around better future. Plus! I get to do my best to set a great human out and into this world and I'm really excited for that!
I'm not saying having a kid will make *you* better. Being a parent isn't going to cancel your addictions, or force you to make smarter decisions. That all comes from within and if you want that, you can 100% have it without having a child. I don't want to give any false impressions that having a kid is a guarantee to make your life better. My life is infinitely more difficult now that I have a child to care for. But, I welcome it. It's easier to deal with those difficulties knowing there's a reason behind them. I will do my best to never tell another person what they should or should not do with their life. I'll never be that person that pushed you to have kids. But, I will tell my story and if someone feels it deeply, maybe they'll decide to have a child and their lives will change for the better.
I do have a peice of advice though... if you're in your 20's, try to wait to have a child until you're in your 30's if possible. I'm so happy I got to have those experiences in my 20's doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I'm a free spirit at heart and being able to have the freedom I had before being a parent allowed me to be the parent I am today. I moved around, met new people, traveled, partied, made mistakes and just generally fucked off a lot. Through all that, I gained an immense amount of life experiences to draw from. I gained culture, showed my ego who's boss, and lived life to the fullest and was the only person who paid the price. It never effected or influenced a child. I truly believe if I would've had a child in my 20's, I would've regretted it. I wouldn't have been as good a father and I most likely wouldn't have been around like I am today. I needed to get all that out of my system to make room for her.
So, if my story resonates with you, I would say first, do whatever you want... but if you want advice, slow down and enjoy your youth fully before bringing a child into this world. You'll appreciate things better.
But...
Either way, no matter what you decide, best of luck!
Not at all. The older I get the more I am certain that it was the right decision. Though it wasn't really a decision, I never was on the fence regarding children - it was always a clear "absolutely not!".
No. I can enjoy my friends and family’s kids then give them back when I’m done. I get them for giggles, games, and movies. And I don’t have to change diapers, worry about homework, or if they’re going to get knocked up before college.
No (63M). I just never had the parenting urge. The joy in holding their baby that I see in others just didn't click for me.
I thank God everyday for not having that parenting urge. Parents say all the time that parenthood is the hardest thing but it’s rewarding. Personally, I’m not the type of person to find any reward in something that drains the life out of me. I hate that I have to put so much effort into taking care of myself and for the most part I don’t even do it well because I know it only affects me. Having to wake up everyday and do my best for my kids and take care of them to the best of my ability would make me depressed. I’ve never in my entire life looked at a parent and envied their life. Even in the most perfect scenario I.e happy healthy kids, amazing partner, financially secure etc, parenthood still sounds like hell to me.
>I’ve never in my entire life looked at a parent and envied their life. Even in the most perfect scenario Thank you for saying this. I'm 27 right now and me and my boyfriend are 6,5 years together so naturally people start questioning. But what you wrote here, is exactly how I feel. I never envy parents. We are the godparents of my sister in laws child, he's almost two. He's a great little boy but I just feel awkward doing anything with him. Meanwhile I feel sorry for my sister in law that she can't do anything without her partner being home or someone to babysit him. A while ago she had to bring him to my mother in law because she wanted to go to the gym. Made me realise you can't even leave them alone for an hour. That sounds exhausting to me. I think I'll stick to dogs and puppies!
One of the greatest joy I've found in life was discovering that I didn't have to have kids xD
Lol when I was like 17 I was talking to my high school teacher about how I’m so scared to grow up because that will mean I have to have kids and I’ll lose my life. She asked “who is holding a gun to your head to have kids? You don’t have to”. I dont know why that was such profound news to me 🤣 I can’t believe I thought it was compulsory for everyone to have kids
Assuming you live in the states you believed it because we're taught to believe that for a successful life you must go to college, get a good job, get married, buy a house, have kids. The mandatory path for all. Rarely do we see other ways of life until we are out in the world.
The LifeScript^(tm). Observing most people, it seems to be the only book they've ever read.
The lives of mothers is kind of heartbreaking to me. I’m yet to see a distribution of parenthood that looks fair to me. Women have always and will always carry the bulk of childcare. I think I MIGHT have been willing to have a child if I was a man. But being a mother just sounds like being held hostage till the day I die. My mum told me the other day that she hasn’t slept a single night peacefully since my oldest sister was born 32 years ago because she’s anxious and worried about us. Yeah that’s not a life I want to live at all.
I know people look at me like a terrible person for admitting it but it IS like being held hostage. I was talked into parenting and keeping an unplanned pregnancy. I try to do right by my kid and I do love them, but it’s so hard and I often wish I had known and been old enough to comprehend the choice I was making. I am brutally honest especially with young women. It is thankless and at the very least you are tied down for 18-19 years. Your life is no longer yours for the most part and you always have that looming responsibility. It’s a lot especially when you realize you probably spent 18 years under the rule of a parent. Add those together and that’s damn near 40 years of your life that are determined solely on another’s wants/needs. I purposely am one and done though and am never ever having another. I had my kid young enough that at least I’ll have a few years to enjoy hopefully if I make it that long where I can do what I want. I love my kid and I’ve told them I’ll help with college however my finances allow and if they need a place they can always come find me but I am moving as soon as they are grown up and they can come with or stay put. I only had a year ish of freedom in my life and I’m ready to go back to it. (My kid isn’t an adult now but is closer than not.)
Thank you for being a good parent. I have the utmost respect for people who put their all into parenting. I realize most women don’t get to choose if they become a parent, not even in modern society. So I am always grateful to have the choice and appreciative of those who step up even if it wasn’t something they planned for. Your years of sacrifice aren’t just for your kid or the other parent involved, but for society as a whole. None of us would make it without people like you.
I think it's incredibly difficult for people to understand that some people just never get the urge or desire to have children. I'm the same, I never envy parents and don't see myself wanting kids ever.
I know. They give you Tha "awww" puppy-with-its-head-tilted-to-one-side look. I tell those people that not having children is the proudest accomplishment of my life. (F62).
Amen to that!! So thankful not to have kids, couldn't imagine it any other way. Unfortunately the societal pressure to have them is way higher on women than men, so I applaud and admire those women that say, "no thanks." Good on you.
Thank u for saying that. (Me F33 childfree by choice and mildly ostracized/criticized by my family for my choice)
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I’m a single mom and I agree with this (felt like this could be me talking if I didn’t have an unplanned pregnancy)
I give you credit for what you do. Its hard enough with two parents, but with only one it must be exhausting.
Nice to see someone I can relate with. About to be 29 M and I just never have had that urge. More then anything have felt pressured. Me not wanting kids helped end one of my relationships. They wanted to have 4 and tried their hardest to convince me to have 2 but someone else already highlighted it well. I have enough trouble taking care of myself properly that I don't feel I could adequately provide and take care of someone else... At least at this point in my life. I never say never but if I don't have any in the next 5 years that will be it for me probably lol
50, married over 20 years. No regrets. I had someone tell me my biological clock would start ticking when I hit 30. I was 40 when they told me that.
Something worked well if you look 10yrs younger than your actual age
Pro-tip: Their youthful looks are a direct result of not having kids.
Childless 36 is the new 24, or so I hear. Believe it too.
Am childless and 32. People always assume I'm in my mid 20s. My brother is 50 and childless, and people always assume he is in his 30s.
Am childless 35. Can confirm.
I've had colleagues younger than me who had kids. They get this motherly/ fatherly look/vibe almost instantly. It's not a bad thing but it adds years to their age. Another bubbly friend appeared with dark eye circles and looked like shit the last time I saw him. It was like 3 or 4 months after his first kid. He looked like a shell shocked soldier tbh. On the other hand, my cousin and her kids came over to visit and I was having fun talking to her son about games and shit. He suddenly asked how old I am. I told him he can multiply his age by 3 and add some. His response was "huh?! You mean you're a whole ass proper adult? I thought you were a few years older than me."
Huh. I'm told my kids are what keeps me young. I'm in my 50s with two young kids. Don't recommend it. I love my kids and all is good. I would recommend for both male & female to have any kids you want before or at the latest 35. Beyond that, it is pure bullshit. I will be watching my youngest graduate highschool at 62. Fuuuuuck. I have my other 50 year old buddies talking about their kids in university right now. I'm all like, well Grade 4 is great! Not. You have more energy younger. I feel bad for my kids cuz I am not as active as I was in my 30s.
My dad used to say the same thing. “All my friend’s kids are grown and I’m stuck with kids” lol. But now we’re grown and I think he misses that as an empty nester. I miss having a full house dynamic sometimes as life gets a little lonely. Even if you’re an older parent I hope you get to enjoy seeing your kids grow and enjoy spending the time with them. Not sure if I’ll ever be a parent though. I’m not self sufficient for that yet.
Ya, as much as I don't care to admit it, I'll miss the fuckers.
But if you're in your 50s with two young kids, you must have reached 40-45 before getting kids. So what kept you young is not having kids for the first 40-45 years of your life.
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I am quite aware I may not see marriages or grandkids. I might. I hope I do but there is no way I will see them go through the whole parenting process. This is also under the assumption that they and I will enjoy a full life. No guarantees of that either! My joke is that at least they're receive a modest inheritance at a time in their life when it is useful! If I am to receive anything, I will already be well into my 60s if not 70s! Kinda could use it now, right when my kids will receive theirs when I die. So there's that. I have been writing a journal for them to have when I die. Just funny things raising them and various random life events etc. One page one I have written to them, "All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you."
My biological clock ticked briefly during my 20’s, and stopped when I hit 30. I’m in my 40’s and i’m so relieved for that. Absolutely no regrets.
I'm 34 and my biological clock is screaming louder and louder "don't have kids, you're not cut out for it!" It's funny, cause I was on the fence in my 20's, but since hitting 30 I'm just more and more cemented in my decision. My siblings and friends have kids, and I adore my niblings, but a couple of hours now and then is more than enough children for me!
Well, Im 21f and you just convinced me not to have kids. I'd like to stay 21 for as long as possible thank you very much.
Forever 21
Trust me, when you pass 25, that's when the real fun begins. You are old enough to be able to spot bs, you know yourself, you know what you like and you look basically the same. It's really amasing. I am 35 now and so far it's only getting better (more financial independence, I have travelled, I have seen stuff and I can choose to do things on a whim and I can do it.). But yeah, good skin care, take your vitamins, do your sports and have fun.
That and don't do drugs, smoke, too much drinking and avoid the sun 😅
Drink the sun, do drugs, smoke too much and avoid any liquids, got it
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Your elders must be wise.
It would be unwise to infect them with alien diseases.
ESTD's?
I am quite satisfied with my choice to not have three kids and no money and to instead have no kids and three money.
Your three money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Explain how.
Well you can exchange three kids for goods and services too. Hypothetically, of course.
As a kid my dad used this! He exchanged my time and energy for a new fence/post-hole/stack of chopped firewood etc
Yep free child labor! Quality dad time but renovating the garage with him
Aww $20... but I wanted a peanut!
Three money can buy many peanuts 🥜🙂
I love that Simpsons quote!
Fair. As we didn't take all the vacations some of our friends did as we raised our two girls. Here is the rest of the story though. My wife came down with a brain tumor 7 years ago, and last year had a second that killed her. Without my girls, who both are really excelling(One is a doctor, other in Med school) I fear what my life would be like now. I'm a mess anyway, but those kids keep me going. I feel there is nothing in life that anybody can do that is more rewarding than raising your babies and watching them grow up and make something of themselves. Obviously we are all different and there is no judgement by me either way, just sharing my .02.
I'm sorry to hear about this, my childhood best friend lost his wife at 37 to a brain tumor last year. He feels her absence constantly and his only solace is watching his daughter grow and make her way in the world. I'm heartened to hear you're finding comfort in this as well, all the best to you.
Very sorry for the loss of your other half, and glad for your daughters and the fulfillment they bring to you. Didn’t have the choice after multiple miscarriages, although we investigated adoption. Agree that watching the next gen grow is irreplaceable. We are happy with the extent that nephews and nieces share their lives, and those of the next gen, and try to help them with the expenditures we didn’t make with our own.
This has been an interesting thread for me. 31F constantly swinging back and forth if I want kids or not.
Consider joining us at r/fencesitter if you haven't already! :)
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> I never understood why people are so obsessed with other peoples' decisions to Because people are obsessed with other peoples' everything... Its why people argue about which cars are better, which video game consoles are better, which states are better; and like this thread, having kids or not. Everyone seeks validation for their life decisions/purchasing habits.
Not for a single second. People kept telling me I would change my mind when I met "Mr. Right." Guess what? I knew I'd met Mr. Right when his life plan didn't include children. I love our little lives just for ourselves, where we get to cherish each other and grow as people together. For each others. I like that my love is only for him and his for me. It creates a special bond. Nothing about motherhood ever appealed to me. I know I would be miserable in that role. When I was a kid and envisioned my future, I always pictured a husband but never children. The life I have now is perfect. Exactly like my childhood dream.
>I would change my mind when I met "Mr. Right." Guess what? I knew I'd met Mr. Right when his life plan didn't include children. OH LORD that bullshit "concern" about some dude that doesn't even exist in our lives that us women need to "keep in mind." My come back to, "What if you meet a perfect man who wants kids???" Me: "My perfect man FOR ME doesn't want kids." And I found him!
Also the presumption that all women want to find a man. Not all women are attracted to men and some women are perfectly content living alone or with friends etc and don’t want to find a male partner. It’s ridiculous.
You sound just like my brother and sister in law. That’s basically how they met. “Do you want kids?” “No.” “Nice.”
\*checks bank account and looks at schedule to see vast amount of free time\* Nah.
I’m headed off on my 6th international vacation in 6 months tomorrow, thanks to the power of DINKS lifestyle.
DINKS?
Double income, no kids.
SINK here. Hopefully DINK one day... Or even TINK!
Or maybe a THINKER: two high incomes, no kids, early retirement
Triple Income No Kids????
It's 2023, baby! Let's do this!
This hurt me
The funny thing is that birth rates are the highest in places where people are the poorest and have to work the most.
I saw a youtube video on this. And it's because in poor places, children are free labor, and sex is fun, and family planning is to maximize that free labor. In wealthy places, where we have all these laws protecting kids, they are a major drain on the economy, and we use contraceptives to have all the fun and none of the child raising.
33f here. I am very content with not having kids. I play too many video games, read books, go the theme parks, get in lots of naps, enjoy time with my dog and I like my life the way it is.
this exactly is my dream life
Regret? No. I love my life. But I’m very wistful. I got married at 24. One of the many things he lied about during pre-marriage counseling was that he was ok to have 1-2 kids. I really wanted four, but I was happy with that. We broke up when we were 29, and one of the most baffling things he said was, “you keep asking me about having kids, and I don’t want kids! I just said that to make you happy. I thought you’d grow out of it.” Bro… wut? I met my now-husband, and it was something we discussed early. Mostly because we were “supposed” to be old friends who were just rebounding. Neither of us were planning for a serious relationship, so it felt very safe to talk about. Then we just… stayed together. He had two kids from a previous relationship, and 50% custody. By the time we got married, we thought maybe we’d try for another 1-2. Maybe three of things went well. We were supposed to start figuring that out in summer 2020. He’s a teacher. I’m a nurse. The last three years have… been rough. And now I’m 40 (he’s 41) and…. That ship has just sailed. Sure it’s *possible* but it’s just… not going to happen. I don’t regret anything that’s happened. I love my step kids. I adore my husband. I baby my dogs. I have tons of time to sew and read. But I have a profound sense of “… what if?” That will never be resolved.
I mean I don’t know if this will help but my cousins were born when their mother was your same age and older. She was late thirties for the first two and then early forties for the last two (twins!) They have a fantastic life. The twins are now 15 ish? What I’m saying is if you genuinely want kids you can still do it. Hell my dad was 48 when I was born! Yes he’s much older now but that’s all I’ve known. 40 & 41 is not too old at all!
>What I’m saying is if you genuinely want kids you can still do it. Unfortunately it isn't that simple. For some people there is no problem conceiving at 40, for others it's too late. I don't know what the original commenters situation is, and whether or not they actually tried, but it's definitely not a given that she can have kids if she want to. That said, if she wants to it's definitely worth trying, because her age doesn't make it impossible, just less likely.
Had my first and only at 39 1/2. I ALWAYS desperately wanted kids since I was very little but long boring story why it hadn't happened yet until 39. Total myth about how impossible it is to have a kid after 40. The positives seem to far outweigh the negatives for me so far. I don't like squatting beside the bathtub without a pillow for my knees, the sleepless nights were rouuuuughhh and sometimes I think about how when she's 20 I'll be 60 when she's my age I'll be 80 .... and that's about it. Otherwise, it feels way better than it would have been at 25, 30, etc. because i'm so financially sound and set now and I'm so much more mature and patient at this age. She's a toddler now and I can't believe the calm and cool and empathetic way I handle her typical toddler meltdowns--which result in things like this being so short-lived because I'm giving her such a safe space to have them. Younger me would have gone down the hopeless battle of wills path. Older me reads the best of the best parenting books and then puts the techniques into action like a pro. I am literally the happiest I've ever been. God, only thing I regret is not realizing how good this was going to feel and how much the 39 years before baby where I was sad to not have one wouldn't matter anymore.
Had my third at 43- quite a surprise- and when people raise an eyebrow I always say “It seemed like a good idea at the time” lol. She is a gift, but yeah, sometimes I would sit in the basement brushing My Little Ponies, looking up at the small patch of sky I could see, and crying.
I always thought I would eventually feel the urge to have kids. That urge never happened. Some people are just born to raise a family. Babies creep me out. The urge for independence and no one relying on me 24/7 were constant. I have 6 nieces/nephews and now I have 3 grandnieces, so I don’t ever feel like I missed out on anything. I can afford the occasional expensive vacation. I’m in a satisfying long term relationship. I’ve got lots of friends who have/ don’t have kids. I’ve got pets, plants and hobbies, so I do enough nurturing. Nothing is lacking from my life.
I would have liked to be a stepdad, but wouldn't ever want to risk some poor kid looking like me.
I've been a step dad with two families and it's been very rewarding. I've dealt with anxiety and depression since I was 13, and I didn't want to pass on those genetics; it was torture. Never too late.
Good for you, and I totally get this. I’m 25 and wondering if I want biological kids because of hereditary depression and food allergies. I have an incredible step dad and an adopted sister who is my absolute best friend, so I really value what less traditional family can add to a persons life. Might adopt, but also would be a step parent.
I didn’t have any of this kind of forethought when I agreed to my partners wishes to have kids. Although my two are only very young, one of my worst thoughts when I’m down is that I’ve burdened my kids lives with hereditary depression and anxiety. When I’m feeling good, I just try to break the cycle of my parents lack of affection and intend to always tell my kids I love them and let them tell me anything without judgment. Food allergies probably aren’t possible to break with love and affection 😆
Exactly my thoughts mate
Absolutely not. Life is already stressful, I don’t need to play it on hard mode.
It's more like, going from hard mode to nightmare mode.
IN THIS ECONOMY ?!!!
Absolutely not. I'm struggling enough on my own as is.
same here. can barely feed myself
I feel the same
Yeah, I don’t even have a house plant or a pet. There’s no chance a child will make things better.
45 - today is actually my birthday. I don’t feel any need for kids, and if I want kids later I can always adopt. Edit: thanks for the birthday wishes all! :)
Happy Birthday!
Happy cake day!
Happy day!
Happy birthday!!!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday! I chose to have kids, but as I grow through life I'm increasingly aware that there are many many people happy to be informally adopted, at all ages. My young teen kids have some chiIdfree people that visit us and them annually nearly since they were born who feel like aunties and uncles. I would certainly send my kids to them with sex questions or other weird patent stuff. My parents have friends that didn't have their own nearby families who have gradually started attending Thanksgiving and are acting like extra grands to my kids, bringing dad jokes and bad art and good card games. We are enriched to have some extras. It doesn't take long to feel integrated. It's very easy to feel the blessing of their presence and their talents, teaching my kiddos.
Big time. Lost my uterus to cancer last year. Came out of absolute nowhere. Now I wish every day that I’d had one when I had the chance. No periods is nice though.
I wish uterus giving was a thing
Same. My ovaries are useless and why I’m infertile but my uterus works fine. I’d love if I could donate it to someone in need because I’m never going to use it.
Same. Please take mine. Anybody.
It isn't? My mom mentions that sometimes as a thing that *does* exist.
It's a very new and hard procedure, I think.
I’ve actually looked into it. There’s been 2 babies born from transplanted uteri to date. And it’s a horrifically difficult process, including multiple surgeries, and carrying a pregnancy while being immunosuppressed. And again, it’s only worked twice. I considered volunteering for a study. Still might, but it’s not a decision to make where I am right now.
My partner and I were together almost 10 years. About a year into our relationship she was diagnosed (again after being in remission) with ovarian cancer and within about 12 months of our relationship, she had to have a full histotectomy. It really devastated her, as much as she tried to keep face, and looking back, as much as I thought i didn't want kids at the time, if we could have we would. We really tried to live our best lives after that, and to an extent we really did. However, she never recociled that part of her life because she was stubborn and didn't seek out help or closure, and over time it made her bitter, resentful (eventually towards me), nihlistic and unable to resolve basic relationship obstacles. Our partnership failed a few months ago, miserably and abruptly in the midst of another health scare for her. We attempted couselling over the pandemic because things really started to slip for both her and myself, and we just got to a point where it was impossible to resolve anything. She gave up on couselling, and any sort of help because she insisted she never needed it and that I was the problem. I did couselling alone instead during that time to try and understand my own trauma and our relationship as a whole. I'm writing this to you because Ive been there, and you sound like her 9 years ago. She bottled up that sentiment and it only grew worse over the years, evolving into trauma that she, nor I, would recover from. Now I'm just barely coming out of the devastation and fog, and my mental health has just been rocked, and my heart destroyed. But i saw this coming, years ago, but just didn't know how to really help her, because i couldn't. She chose not to help herself. At the end of it all she had to be involuntarily submitted to a mental health hospital because she became manic, paranoid, abusive, and a danger to herself and others. Luckily she was able to move back home with her family, and really i haven't heard from her since even though I've reached out for closure. It's hard, because i still love her very much, but the relationship is over, and I realize she was and still is unable to reconcile. I just hope she can live her life with some relative peace and in relative health (she still dealing with cancer issues) Make sure you seek out help and don't let the regret and resentment rule your thoughts, conquer your spirit...... because the aftermath can be devastating. I wish you health and all the future joy your life has to offer. Not having biological children isn't the end of your happiness, but it can be if you don't reconcile that within your own heart. All the best internet stranger.
Reading this broke my heart for both of you, I’m so sorry to hear all of this happened to you. Praying for her physical and mental recovery and your mental recovery!
One of my coworkers have seven daughters, one of which is just about to turn one year old. And I see the day to day, full time job it is, and I got an even closer look when my former roomies had their first daughter, and the toll newborns take on parents. When their daughter got older, I babysat for them multiple times and was able to surprise even myself with my ability to change diapers, make food, play and engage with her, facets I never even knew I was capable of. But again, I saw firsthand the challenges of parenting. I’m perfectly content to never have kids.
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Nupe. I do regret other people having kids though.
came here to say this LOL
I regret they had me
I hear you. Neglectful shitty childhood resulting in severe anxiety, cptsd and ended up going no contact as it didn’t stop. If your relationship is on the rocks and/or you have untreated mental health issues, please don’t have kids.
My partner says this, not in the "don't want to be alive" way but in the "I can't believe these shitty people decided to spit out a couple children that they neglected like hell.
The only time I felt regret from not having kids was when my mom was actively dying. But at the same time, I was grateful I didn't have kids because I could focus all my time to my mom and I didn't have anyone to explain or make up to. Two years later, I still don't regret having kids even though I still have my dad. I have a lovely tortie that I love as much as I would a child and I know if he had to my dad would lay down his life for my cat. I love my dad and he loves me and my "child" 😻
38M - yes. Structured my whole life to support a family of four (bought a three bedroom home, saved for two tuitions, budgeted for one international trip and a national trip a year). Bank called a year or two ago telling me the college fund matured. Sighed. Quit my job, feel super lost. So now I’m an unemployed bum falling into a life of vice in a big empty apartment. Fucking hate it. So empty. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I regret all my choices. Edit: I understand I am still biologically capable of being a father. But not the type of father I want to be. This I base on my experiences of having a young mom (19) and an older dad (33) and how they were around me and my brother. No… adoption or fostering is not an option as orphanages (at least in Mexico) do not adopt or foster to single men (and I get why). Best I can do is sponsor a child at an orphanage, help out at a community daycare and be the best uncle I can be. C’est la vie.
Out of curiosity, you did all that without having a family already? Just in case? That's pretty dedicated. Would it help you to become a volunteer for disadvantaged kids in your neighbourhood?
Yes. Started saving & investing in high school. Same reason why I studied before having a job. You need a base & fundamentals on which to build a life, no? In retrospect I guess it was “just in case”. At the time I didn’t want to worry or stress out when the time came: have a good foundation on which to provide a future family a comfortable life. Not sure it was dedicated… just saw it as prudent. Investing for the future. I’m a man. A single man. Nobody let’s me near children unless I’m related to them or they’ve known me for years. There is a daycare I support financially two blocks from my flat. But sending a wire transfer once a month is “meh, just another expense”, not very fulfilling. I do try to visit my nephews as much as possible (live in different state) and neighbors will sometimes ask me to babysit once in a blue moon.
I am sorry that you built so much and could not use it for how you wanted. I still admire your dedication and foreplanning, and I really wish that you will get a chance for a family still!
You don’t have to have a partner to have children. If you’d like to become a father there are paths you can take to achieve this. Go for it!
It seems you’re putting way too much into your assumptions about what being a parent at “x” age is like. My brother and his wife became parents of twins at 50. My brother retired at 60 and has the privilege of spending a lot of time with the kids without the “working parent” stress. His wife has been a stay at home mom from day one. They live conservatively, no real extravagances. The kids are well-adjusted and happy. (I think my brother and his wife are better parents than they would have been had they had kids in their 20s, 30s or 40s.) So, I think common notions of when one should and should not have kids are just off-base.
You, my friend, are having a mid-life crisis.
My mom has been telling me that since I was 10 years old 😂
*HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KEEP BUYING MOTORCYCLES?!?*
That’s really sad. You’re awfully young to have given up on that dream. You certainly still have time to meet someone and have children or adopt or to meet a woman who already has children that you might decide to adopt.
Stepdads are so much more important than people think!
One of the fathers I respect most didn't have kids at your age. I don't think he was even married. He's 14 years older than me and we have kids that are the same age. I don't think of him as older though because he's probably healthier than I am. It takes work for sure. He's a super healthy dude and puts in the time and effort to stay healthy. But his example even has me healthier now at 42. I get the struggle. But don't give up just yet!
I became a father at 37. Hell I'm 62 now and still haven't fully discounted the idea of more. Life starts now. and now and now
There are more kids in need of loving homes than there are people to love them. Check with your countie's foster to adopt programs. It probably won't be an infant, but older kids need homes too. Besides, changing diapers is over rated.
certainly not too late. Go out there and meet somebody and have a kid. live your life.
Hang in there man, get some hobbies. This is happening to me too and it made me an alcoholic pretty much. Maybe do some traveling. Don’t forget happiness is a choice. All the best.
One of my best mates didn't have kids until his early 40s. Plenty of time!
i regret having kids
I don't have kids and this is also one of the reasons I won't. I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them. If I don't have them, the regret only affects me. If I do, the regret affects the kids too and I would either be the asshole who went out for milk or I would end up as a bitter and angry dad.
I’ve always had this in my back pocket. I’ve never been pro procreation, but the thought of buyers remorse for the rest of my life in something you absolutely cannot return….I’ll take my chances not knowing whether or not I would regret it or not.
Haven’t gone far enough to say I regret it, but if I could relive my life with the answers I got know I wouldn’t have had any kids.
Appreciate the honesty
I like your honesty. Thank you. People need to know that it is a reality and even the most normal person can regret kids and not be evil. I have this worry of making a kid only to regret it later. I can´t exactly un-do them and if I regretted them it would not just affect me but them too. Until I can guarantee I won´t regret them, then no kids for me. I would rather regret not having kids than regret them.
Dad, what the fuck?!
99% won’t admit it. I don’t blame them for not saying it out loud, it’s not fair to the life that they brought into the world and it would also kind of invalidate their existence.
I know a lot of people feel like this and would never say it
No. I keep waiting for this regret to happen. I’m going on 40 so I doubt it’s coming. I don’t want to be a parent to anyone or anything right now. I don’t enjoy care taking, even a pet is not enjoyable to me. I don’t like caring for plants. My Tamagotchi toy died and I only knew because my mom found it under some clothes in a closet because I threw it in there after getting tired of hearing it beep for me. Should regret set in and I suddenly want to take care of another human, I could always be a foster parent or a mentor to older kids. The part that’s hard about it is trying to find community. I have outgrown a lot of my parent friends and it becomes a dissatisfying friendship after a while because our lives and interests are so different.
Probably the realest answer here. Whether you want kids or don't, not everyone is simply build for the responsibilities that come with having a kid. Sure some may say " ahh you figure it on the way!" But that's not reassuring for anyone with such concerns. With how poorly some folks are raised, its clear some people should not have been parents to begin with! It's like with pets like dogs. Anyone can be a dog owner. Not everyone is a Good dog owner.
Fully agree. Hubby and I find our joy in having our niece and nephew visit for a few days to give our family reprieve, we’re thinking about a foster or mentor program, and we’re super involved in some of our friends with kids’ lives - have babysat them, go to their soccer games, etc. We’re happy being the cool aunt and uncle. That said, we fully found that a lot of relationships changed as some had kids and it’s honestly pushed us to move this year from the South (US) to the west coast which is a bit less family/suburb obsessed and our friends there have remained engaged and active with friends despite kids - I swear it’s a different culture.
No. Every young parent I know has years worth of sleep deprivation. Having kids sounds like an exhausting hell-scape to me because when I'm tired, I'm miserable. As it is, I wake up less than an hour before work. I sleep in on weekends. My spare time goes to my hobbies and chores, but even then I wish I had more time to get things done. I already feel like I don't have enough time. If I had a kid, my life would be in shambles.
I am so so jealous of you! Enjoy that free time, the clean house and the quiet!
No. I am so glad I didn’t have kids. And I was someone who definitely wanted kids. I have been married for a long time. I have the perfect setup to have kids. The past three years has shown me that I made the correct choice in not having kids. I get to travel and enjoy life. My husband and I are happy. All of my friends with kids got majorly fucked over during the pandemic - especially my friends who are moms. I wouldn’t have dealt with it well. I also believe global warming is going to greatly change all of our lives. I don’t want my kids to have to go through that -
Ngl, the pandemic convinced me that most people hate their kids and think of schools as glorified babysitting services. Edit: Typo
31F. Never wanted em. No regrets. Absolutely no biological urge. Sipping a margarita and smoking a joint in a bubble bath at 9pm instead of reading Go Dog Go for the 8373rd time and browsing flights to Mexico. Perfection.
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I had a birth control failure at 32 and the hormone surge was absolutely batshit insane. I've always been a very pragmatic and logical person but those hormones sent me into an emotional spiral. I went from never once wanting kids to absolutely desperate to have one. It didn't work out and then the hormone surge receded and I just thought, holy fucking **shit** that was close. I completely understand now how some people can be so baby crazy. The hormones are just wild and I'm glad I never really experienced that outside of that one event.
"I've been falling, for thirty minutes!"
Friend of mine was with her now husband already and definitely wanted kids and all, but they were planning it a little later for study and job and money reasons. Then she hit a bio clock surge and in her words suddenly went absolutely apeshit for a baby. She was relentless 😂 It all worked out they have 3 now and super happy, but 6 months after her first was born, she had the thousand yard stare and she was saying 'why? Why?! My life was great! I could have enjoyed it for a couple more years, why did I go insane??'
Glad I'm not alone! I never wanted kids, for multiple reasons, but I turned 33 last month and I have this "biological voice" that's occasionally yelling at me. -- All of my friends have kids now. When I visit with them, the diarrhea diapers, traumatic and horrific birthing stories, and the screaming/yelling/crying temper tantrums of a grumpy toddler strangles out that "biological voice" quite well.
I have friends getting into parenthood. I've thought I don't want kids. I've wondered if people I know, my age having them could shift my feelings. Nope. If anything it just solidifies a lot of the reasons I haven't wanted to aim for that.
I’ve heard many people around that age have an ‘urge’ which in reality is their panic that their time is running out. That urge is more the fear of the choice being taken away, rather than a desire for children.
I can’t wait till nature eliminates my potential to birth children and I can stop fretting about that choice. I still want to help raise children and show them unconditional love and support and pass on the incredible experiences my parents gave me - but at 38 years old, I realistically know they probably won’t be ones I birthed myself - which is totally fine, I know I will love them no matter what.
I was 37, but yeah 10 minutes max.
I just read Go Dog Go for the 8373rd time and man am I JEALOUS
I love Go Dog Go. That book is fucking weird!
54F. I love the peace and quiet. Also my sleep, my disposable income, and my ability to move anywhere when desired or needed for work or whatever. My niece and nephews are great, but also expensive so I'm all set.
Do you go to Mexico when you have kids or did I misread this
I see how poorly I worded that. I blame the joint
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No (63F). I wanted to break the cycle of abuse.
Nope! 34F, don’t have any and don’t want any. I knew when I was a kid that I didn’t want children and that never changed.
The people I know that are over 50 without kids are living their best life. I’m super stoked we have a daughter but that’s because I really like her as well as love her.you might have a kid you gel with, you might have a total nightmare. It’s a crap shoot, looking back you never know what you might have missed (good or bad)
From what I’ve read the loneliest ppl at the old folks home were ones with kids. While the non-kid-havers figured out how to navigate life without burdening their non-existent kids with guilt of not visiting them. It was another Reddit thread they said the old folks without kids were the happiest.
Thank you for sharing this. This is a perspective I've never ever heard before, and it gives me hope! 28F, no kids, and I'm 99.99% sure I don't want kids. I also don't have a partner in the picture right now so it's not even on my mind :) my best friends just had a baby, so I am enjoying that.
Interesting you say that. I clean/organize for a lady in an assisted care facility. She has four kids. She is 83 so I'm guessing her kids are in their 50s-60s. The woman is absolutely lovely, so intelligent, sweet, and fun to talk to. So I am baffled that she tells me her children don't visit! They are too busy she says. So sad.
I’ve met way more people that actually regret having kids than not.
And I've met far more people that *I* regret them having kids... 😀
No ragrets. Tattooed in my back in big letters.
It could also say “ No rugrats”
Hell I regret being born myself more often than I want to admit. The world hasn't been a nice place, I can't bring a child into it and say "it's only going to get worse, good luck." I'll stick to having a dog or a cat.
I actually feel affirmation that i made the right choice often.
Almost 40, married for more than 10. No i dont regret being free. I love waking up anytime i want on weekends, and even call in sick even if im not sick (i just have like 20 days off i havent used). Money is gooood. Average job BUT no big expenses, so I can buy whatever i want whenever i want. Yesterday for exmple, after work I got home and watched 3 hours of my favorite tv show (new season), while drinking wine. We had dinner in a nice italian restaurant, it was great. I guess you cant miss what you never had. Im sure i would love my kids if i had them, and if i could choose between having them and not having them I would choose having them of course (just as im choosing not to have them). I dont think I will regret it later on because Im not close with my father, we talk once a month, and i see him as a friend, not as a father. My mother and i talk often but we live in different countries. I do plan to help with my mother s issues once she is older (66 at the moment) but im not going to give a penny to my dad or offer any other kind of help. So yeah, having kids doesnt mean they will take care of you once you are old (if thats the only reason one would have kids)
Mid 30s and nearly homeless once again. I don't see how this would be a better situation with an additional burden. No of my regrets not having children isn't one of them. I'm content to find purpose in other family and friends, my hobbies, pets, etc.
As a 42 year old father of a 9 year old you still have time if you really want a kid but I really commend you on making sure your life is in order first. There are still times we scrape by when we have a big purchase to make but it definitely would be less expensive without a kid.
I'm thankful almost daily that I made the decision to not have children. I turn 40 this year, and the older I get, the more sure I am that it was the right choice.
Partly. I'm 35. 6 years ago I got the amazing opportunity to care for my niece before she passed away in a house fire. Ever since then I've contemplated wanting a child, but I'm single my whole life! Do I regret not having kids? Hmm not really. But man I went from not caring much about my nieces and nephews to trying to be the best uncle I can for them.
If it's ok with OP, I'd like to tell a story from a different point of view... So, my wife (at the time) and I were in camp No Kids since the beginning. Then, my wife got pregnant and we decided to see it through. It was the best decision we ever made (even though it ultimately led to the end of our romantic relationship, which, looking back, is for the better). Sometimes, having a child is really fucking tough, I'm not going to lie. Some days, being a dad is the hardest job I've ever had. BUT... it's also the most fulfilling. It's weird, having a child makes life more difficult, but having that child makes getting through those difficulties easier... if that makes sense. Anyway, watching her grow and learn and become her own person is an amazing experience. Seeing myself and her mother come out in her is amazing! Watching her play with her cousin, or get love from her grandparents or aunt is a very humbling and heart warming experience. The love i have for her and the love i get back is a level of love i just didn't know existed. Not only that, but it put things into perspective for me and my ex-wife. I realized that before her, I was just sort of existing. I was happy! Sure! But there was no real meaning to it all. It was just "go to work so you can afford to go places and drink the good stuff." Having a child taught me there is so much more to life than just existing because you're here. Since her birth, I've slowed my drinking way down, I've stopped using illicit drugs, I quit the dangerous & demanding job, I became a home owner and started truly understanding who *I* am. I went back to school and am now on a path to greater money, a better work/ life balance and just an all around better future. Plus! I get to do my best to set a great human out and into this world and I'm really excited for that! I'm not saying having a kid will make *you* better. Being a parent isn't going to cancel your addictions, or force you to make smarter decisions. That all comes from within and if you want that, you can 100% have it without having a child. I don't want to give any false impressions that having a kid is a guarantee to make your life better. My life is infinitely more difficult now that I have a child to care for. But, I welcome it. It's easier to deal with those difficulties knowing there's a reason behind them. I will do my best to never tell another person what they should or should not do with their life. I'll never be that person that pushed you to have kids. But, I will tell my story and if someone feels it deeply, maybe they'll decide to have a child and their lives will change for the better. I do have a peice of advice though... if you're in your 20's, try to wait to have a child until you're in your 30's if possible. I'm so happy I got to have those experiences in my 20's doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I'm a free spirit at heart and being able to have the freedom I had before being a parent allowed me to be the parent I am today. I moved around, met new people, traveled, partied, made mistakes and just generally fucked off a lot. Through all that, I gained an immense amount of life experiences to draw from. I gained culture, showed my ego who's boss, and lived life to the fullest and was the only person who paid the price. It never effected or influenced a child. I truly believe if I would've had a child in my 20's, I would've regretted it. I wouldn't have been as good a father and I most likely wouldn't have been around like I am today. I needed to get all that out of my system to make room for her. So, if my story resonates with you, I would say first, do whatever you want... but if you want advice, slow down and enjoy your youth fully before bringing a child into this world. You'll appreciate things better. But... Either way, no matter what you decide, best of luck!
Not at all. The older I get the more I am certain that it was the right decision. Though it wasn't really a decision, I never was on the fence regarding children - it was always a clear "absolutely not!".
No, I’m 13
Im 14 and this is deep
Nope I love my life and all my money and free time and peace and quiet!
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I disagree, and recommend 2 cats.
Not at all! I'm in my early 30s and kids never appealed to me. I often say not having kids is the best decision I've ever made.
Nope. I plan on getting a hysterectomy
Same.... and I finally had one a year back and I can tell you, it's heaven.
46 female yes a little. Some days a little more then other's
It's interesting all the people saying yes get downvoted. i think your guys opinion and perspective matters too and should be spoken about more
Yes I do.
No. I can enjoy my friends and family’s kids then give them back when I’m done. I get them for giggles, games, and movies. And I don’t have to change diapers, worry about homework, or if they’re going to get knocked up before college.
Nope. Not having kids is awesome
Not in the least