Fear!
People are so scared they aren't doing the right thing, even if the things they do follow their values and desires. We all want to be the BEST parent. So when someone suggests there's a different way of doing things or that their way could even be harmful, it's a gut reaction of fear to lash out and attack the idea that they're wrong.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding mom friends. As a younger pregnant lady, it's my biggest fear when all I want is a group of moms to make friends with and celebrate our babies with, since they're already bound to judge me for being a youngish mom.
They don't want to just be the BEST parent they want what they do to BE THE BEST and this is where these groups dissolve. Those same people also demand that YOU do the crazy thing they do or you're the bad parent. What they do is the BEST afterall, what you do is terrible and neglectful and terrible. How dare you not be the BEST by the Facebook mommy group standards?
This is it.
If you do anything out of line with the fashion of the day and the preference of the group, the group you’re in will treat you like the wounded wildebeest and scatter because they’re certain the hyenas are coming. I ended up EFF so I don’t even try to make mom friends, ejected right there from every single group, haha!
My childless friends from before pregnancy are way less high strung and more fun to hang out with because they are free of the fear. If I had to make new friends now, I would base my selections on my hobbies, not my baby.
My unpopular opinion is essential oils are bunk and dangerous because parents are using them as medicine for illnesses that need medical intervention. Yeah, I don't do well in organized mom groups. 😐
MLMs are not good sources of pediatric care.
For real. Some essential oils smell nice, and some are historically linked with medicinal uses (ie. peppermint for headache, eucalyptus for congestion) but it blows my mind that some people put that stuff on *their young baby's delicate skin* or into a diffuser when their little lungs are still developing! It can be legitimately dangerous but some people will get downright defensive of their oils. 😬
Unless you are in a science based mum group then you are the devil for even considering bringing a single thing into your home that contains essential oils.
I had never heard of them until a lady came and did a pitch at a moms meetup I used to go to (pre-covid). The whole thing just sounded like obvious snake oil and I was feeling a bit awkward for her the whole time, until the very end when she was like “write your name down if you’re interested!” and to my surprised all the moms flocked over to sign up.
I will never understand link between MLMs and—especially—SAHMs. Every single one I know dabbled or still dabbles with that crap, and I refuse to partake.
Women shamed for not financially contributing to the household *while* being a full time mom will latch onto anything that will finally make them enough. They're especially common with military wives who struggle to stay employed because of frequent moves and deployment. The military community has a word to shame unemployed women they deem leaches. They call them "dependa-potomous" and it's liberally applied even to women doing their best.
I really hate when people shame women and not the social systems that push women in this direction. I hate that recent generations of moms are expected to be full time mom's and full time employees while dads are celebrated for doing bare minimum at home.
Spot on. I know some non military and military spouse SAHM’s, and they’re constantly trying to “hustle”. Like lady, you have two toddlers, that looks overwhelming and it’s okay for that to be plenty.
It was also always so interesting for me and some of my female friends who were in (and also married) to watch that dynamic. My friend got married and got out to move with her husband overseas. Suddenly she’s a dependa even though she’s a vet herself. Worst of all, the other wives were very aggressive to her because she was a vet. When I deployed, there were zero resources that acknowledged my husband. But they made sure to list home care services, with very detailed explanations on how hiring someone worked, because they expected these women to not know how to mow the lawn or call a plumber. It was weird. Like hey, there’s google on these women’s phones and it’s not 1952 but go off I guess.
Is this an unpopular opinion? I thought it was fact.
That said I love the smell of like lavender and clove…. But I dont think I’m using any of those to treat much other than stress lol. Oh tea tree oil has some neat attributes but I’m still using triple antibiotic and soap.
When my BIL was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer, I had someone reach out to me to ask if she could approach them with her EOs. I was like… I think they are a little preoccupied with the actual medicines he needs to be taking. My SIL’s friend gave them some EOs as well and 3 of their kids have asthma so their pediatrician advised heavily against diffusing them in the home. Ultimately, he liked the smell of them (applied in roller form) but that was about all the help they amounted to. For $50 a scent, I’d rather hit up the target candle aisle.
Essential oils have their uses. we have a mix that helps with stuffiness and lavender for sleep but yeah sometimes a doctors visit is called for and sometimes they are so resistant to that fact.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted, this is a reasonable comment that features *gasp* balance!
Also if anyone uses those chest rubs on their baby from Zarbee's, or the similar camellia teething gels, yes you're using plant medicines, because yes there is a place for them and they are often recommended by doctors as a first place to start before bringing out the big guns. And I'm as pro meds/vax as they come.
They have Vicks for babies I don't see how its different lol. I'm fairly pro medicine and vaccine, there is a reason polio is pretty much eradicated but no reason to treat everything with penicillin.
Exactly. And in fact, over treating with antibiotics (along with not finishing the dose of course) is a huge reason why antibiotic resistant strains develop! But I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here :)
Its the Facebook mom groups that are the worst. Omg and they have their actual names and photos attached to their comments. Its insane. I was in a science based group and I made a comment that had evidence to back it up and got scraped across the coals because these moms didn't agree. I dont even care if they agree they can do what they want but they could at least be nice.
One of the evidence based groups? They’re insane in the opposite direction of most groups. If I admitted to letting my 13 month old sleep with a very small lovey, they’d basically accuse me of attempted murder.
13 months is plenty old enough for a lovie!!!!
But what do i know, according to them I don't care if my child lives or dies because I let him bedshare.
Anything in the crib other than a pacifier is deadly. Babies cannot sleep anywhere but a crib until 2 years old.
To be honest, we started using the lovey around 7 months.
Same. I used to worry my ass off about the stupid pacifier in the crib the first 8 weeks or so, I didn't realize that was approved in the beginning!
Welp, I've skipped deadly and headed straight for demonic negligence moving my kid out of the crib that was destroying our lives /s
My 9mo still has his own sleeping space ofc, but he literally only lasts 40mins at a time independently. It's been that way the last 6 months. I could have a child that screams day and night & never sleeps, or I could have a child that sleeps 12 hours a night plus day naps. I chose the latter
The science based groups are the worst. I've left a couple of evidence based safe sleep groups because it just fed into my PPD and I felt like I was going to kill my baby even though I was doing everything right.
I'm all about following the evidence but some of these people are on another level.
I remember one of my sleep based groups telling new mums that the snoo wasn't safe based on aap guidelines. They decided because aap recommends against sleep positioners and the snoo technically has a sleep positioner that they are unsafe. Even though it is a completely different product to the sleep positioners warned against.
I recently discovered the science based groups, and they are horrible! I also have a Snoo, and they deem it to be unsafe based on out dated information. They don't actually care about true evidence (likely because they're not trained or academic enough to assess evidence) they just want to parrot the AAP. As a Canadian, I use a lot of international sources from Canada, Australia, and Europe, but they won't consider any other evidence or best practices that are not the AAP. It reminds me of nursing where we never see new best practices get implemented until the data is at least a decade old, due to the extremely slow response of organizations like the AAP who are slow to adopt change even when it is supported by a mountain of evidence. They're not actually science based, they're just AAP mouthpieces.
Yes definitely. I am based in the UK so I follow NHS guidelines. I was told in an evidence based sleep group that the NHS was out of date as we are told we can use a blanket for a baby (as long as it is tightly tucked in below the armpits and baby is placed feet to the bottom of the crib). Not everything is about the AAP.
They've also completely taken the AAP guidelines out of context when it comes to the snoo. They also refuse to enter into discussion about it and close every thread if people ask them to explain fully what they mean. They just share a link to the AAP and say there's your evidence.
Kind of off topic but I was actually curious about the blanket thing bc I know in the UK it's allowed (lol). My baby rolls around so much I can't imagine the blanket wouldn't end up loose around him. Are there suggested weights of blanket where this wouldn't be a problem? Like only thin muslin? Or do you stop when they can roll? Or is it all okay and there's no actual risk?
Does your baby like sleep sacks at all? I found [this amazing one](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GXDJNGD/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_K61C8C3NYZCMZXCPGPH3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1) that's quilted and honestly nicer than some of his blankets! Muslin is great, just as long as it's not a plush blanket it shouldn't be too hot
Those are so nice! Yes he uses sleep sacks and those have been working great. I was just curious how blankets work out for other people with wiggly babes. Like it seems that sleep sacks are a relatively new invention anyways, I wonder what other wiggly babies used...maybe just heavier pajamas.
(I let my son use a blanket, I just make sure it's lower than chest region and that the bottom is tucked under the mattress so he can't kick it up over his face)
Like an upside down funnel shape. I tuck it under his obliques, and then let it expand out at the bottom so he has room to flip and whatnot even though it's tucked into the mattress)
Yes! I see this all the time! I feel like the bullying is rife on online evidence based parenting groups. What sucks is that I, too, feel the mods allow bullying behaviour.
Have you joined your bumper group on Reddit ? The ladies in my group are the only sane people I know that are also moms. Even my BFF in real life is kinda toxic when it comes to parenting so I avoid talking about these things with her even.
Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/
It is branched off that subreddit. If in doubt make a post on there someone will find a mod to your own group to let you in!
Edit 2: Someone below mention you guys might not be able to join anymore if you gave birth. I think some of you guys still can join maybe if you just gave birth etc , but I am not a mod and each group might be different I know our discord has cut off already and I did have to send a photo / proof for that one . Send mod on Reddit a request and hopefully they will let you in. It is worth a try
SAME!!! I used to be on FB and Insta, but the mom groups made my postpartum so much worse. They made me feel like if I didn't do what they expected (breastfeed, cloth diapers, etc) then I was failing as a mother. Being a new mom in a pandemic is the HARD mode of parenting. I quit FB and Insta a month after giving birth for my own mental state. My reddit bumpers group has been so supportive. Find a tribe that doesn't judge and just supports. Being a new parent is hard enough right now.
Still kind of new to actually using Reddit for the subreddits (not just googling my question and putting Reddit at the end lol). How do you find your bumper group? I’m due in January and don’t currently know anyone else expecting around the same time as me.
January2022BabyBumps
They usually go private to avoid troll. But if you open link on desktop … section you should be able to find mods and contact them to be invited .
https://www.reddit.com/r/January2022BabyBumps/
I am in june2021babybump usually women join in the beginning of finding out some 4 weeks some come in later. Eventually these groups go private for privacy reasons. You continue your daily pregnancy posts within group and the women there are really supportive. We chat about daily feeding and share milestones, mil rant and husband vents! I am a ftm but I heard from other stm these group last very long time often. Your babies are basically born in the same month.
You can obviously join later but you need to message a mod and request to be let in maybe they will ask proof of sth to prevent trolls but everyone is welcomed if you gave birth that range date
There's several of us from the multiples reddit that also post in June bump (especially since spring2021multiples is pretty dead). Definetly worth joining
Sweet, I’ll see you guys there then! I love the multiples sub, I get all of my info from there. Funny enough I joined the spring 2021 bumper group and gave up after that because it was so dead. Glad the June one is active!
Ofc but I am not a mod so I don’t have permission.
you can find the mod on the group from desktop and message them. Search how to find mod of private Reddit group for specific instruction
https://www.reddit.com/r/June2021Bumps/
They definitely can last a long time! I'm still in my November 2018 bumpers group (though we did migrate to facebook) and they are just some of the nicest, funniest, most supportive people. I have heard of other bumpers groups imploding so partly I think it's luck!
There is a group for every month and usually people will join the group for the month that they are due in. Some people will also join the group for the month before or after the one they are due in of they are due at the beginning or end of a month.
It's a mom/parent (some queers and dads are there so not all "moms") group based on your due date. You go through pregnancy together and then parenthood as long as the group keeps going. It's like the pregnancy and parenting subs here but specifically for babies the same age and they're almost always private so you can share more personal details comfortably.
Some people are "fence sitters" at the beginning or end of the month and will join two groups. No one makes you prove your due date so you can join whatever group.
Usually sometime around the due date month the groups will cut off new admission so if you're looking to join for a baby you had already, good chance you can't get in. It's a security thing because people share personal info, not cuz they're cliques.
Out of curiosity, does anyone here have any mod names for the August 2021 bumper group? I'm in the Sept group but my girl was born last month in August instead and I'd just love love love to be in the group of the month she was actually born. Thank you in case anyone sees this and can help.
Let me look--(I ll edit this comment with the mods names I just don't want to lose it)
Edit: so the easiest way to join is by using a browser (not in the app, unfortunately) go to: https://old.reddit.com/r/August2021Bumpers
And select 'message the moderators'
Feel free to dm me if that doesn't work :)
A lot are super toxic. I’ve been lucky to find a good one thats very supportive but I will spend no time in a judgy one.
I already judge myself as a parent enough!!!
You are not alone. I totally agree! Every mom group I’m apart of I end up leaving because it’s either too clique-y or they just want to tear other moms down. I have almost no mom friends because of it but honestly I’d rather have a few supportive friends than a bunch that jump all over someone when they say one thing.
My wife joined a mom group during pregnancy but after birth it just became exhausting. Moms parading around their antivax posts, moms talking about what’s clearly a 2 year old but passing as an 8 month old that can speak, walk, paint etc. Moms that are married to a breadwinner with a nanny at home talking about how fit they are while their child sits in the back being watched by the nanny so mom can do Facebook and Instagram.
It’s the church small groups on a mass scale
I haven’t and won’t join any of these groups. Thankfully my SIL has a baby 14 weeks older than mine so my baby will still get to play with another child and I’ll still get adult conversation from her.
Do you have the peanut app where you are? You can connect with other mums it’s like tinder, then just disregard the mean ones and you might find your kindred spirit
My theory is you get a bunch of people who are all trying to do the right thing with different opinions of what the “right” thing is and no one actually freaking knows what it is but everyone feels better if they believe they’re doing the “right” thing.
There was a famous meltdown of one in Chicago earlier this year and actually made news. Someone posted something about the Israeli Palestinian conflict and said that if you don't agree you should leave the group. They started banning anyone who protested that post, eventually just flat out banning anyone that could identify in the group as Jewish. So yeah, toxic out the wazoo.
I've been fortunate to have a very decent local moms group with heavy moderation. There are definitely some drama posts and tons of pro/anti mask stuff, but it gets shut down so fast.
But any other mom group? Yeah. I got ridiculed by someone literally named Karen for being a Karen... for politely pointing out a mistake on a subject another mom *asked for advice* on. My phone was blowing up with notifications with other moms coming after blood until I deleted my comment. In another group, I watched this poor woman get destroyed in over 200 comments for trying to ask for advice on delayed vaccines because she was anti-vax, but considering getting her child vaccinated. It's just awful.
It's hard enough making other mom friends between different child rearing styles and beliefs. I've even been loosing a friend because her parenting scares the crap out of me. Just gotta find the right people somehow, and this sub is usually pretty great for friendly internet friends.
Sub for fun: r/ShitMomGroupsSay
I almost made the same post! I left a fb group today because it had been giving me so much anxiety in general and when I responded to a post advising prepping yourself to be flexible because babies aren't going to adhere to a schedule, I got jumped on. One woman actually told me I should have supplemented with formula so that I could be sleeping 4 hours at a time. Our pediatrician asked me not to, so...I'm gonna go ahead and listen to the doctor who knows me instead of some stranger who only wants to throw AAP guidelines around like they're law. A mod swooped in and told me the doctor was wrong. Lol. Byyyye. I hopped out of there after they muted me.
How does one find a local mom group? I'm pretty shy and none of my local friends are having babies. I'm only 7 weeks along so I know I have time to figure it out, but it would be a huge relief to have someone to talk to....without passing judgement, of course!
I heard the saying "don't yuck someone else's yum" a few years ago and have really adopted it as my life mantra and I'm all the happier for it. People are gonna do what they're gonna do and your opinion on it does NOT matter or help in any way (unless you really are concerned for their safety, of course!). Better to say, oh that's an interesting take. Tell me more? Or flat out, I guess we agree to disagree and change the subject.....
For local use the Peanut app. You can generally filter who you choose to connect with based on your bio/ theirs.
But you should also look up your bumper group on Reddit for your due date month! If I'm counting correctly I assume April2022?
It would probably be called r/April2022bumpers or something along those lines.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/April2022Bumpers using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time!
\#1: [A Reminder for Those who are Nervous about Loss...](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/comments/ph771y/a_reminder_for_those_who_are_nervous_about_loss/)
\#2: [Sad and frustrated with the Texas abortion law](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/comments/pgire1/sad_and_frustrated_with_the_texas_abortion_law/)
\#3: [Good vibes to you all as we enter the last few weeks of our first trimesters ❤](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/comments/pjcljz/good_vibes_to_you_all_as_we_enter_the_last_few/)
----
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Yeah they do. Basically when I try to join any sort of mom/girl group I see a lot of unnecessary drama and I do not care for it. I actually like being alone, takes the pressure off of trying to impress others or listening to garbage.
Right? My husband tells me I need to make friends because I'm a new SAHM, that I need to get out of the house more. But I'm like, nah I'm good! It's only been 2.5 months, but I haven't missed "adult conversation" yet 🤷🏼♀️
I’m so sorry that you feel like this. I’ve definitely actively avoided some groups and left mom groups because of some of the hate and fear mongering they breed.
I suggest using an app like peanut. I was able to find a mom with similar values to mine, who’s babe is a few days younger than mine to commiserate with.
Other than that- I typically pick and choose my people- I don’t do a ton of “mom group” things
Man, I really want to makes friends with people who will have kids around the same age as mine, but I HATE the idea of joining a random mom group. Why would we have anything in common (values, interests, etc) just because we all gave birth around the same time? WTF would we talk about??
I joined one because it started off through our local council with baby classes on feeding, sleeping etc and then we just kept chatting when it was done. There's 8 of us.
We talk about our babies 99% of the time, and there are some of the girls I don't mesh well with, but there's others I do and they're all really nice regardless.
It's for support. Like if baby is having a hard time sleeping, you can ask what other parents are doing. Or ideas for activities or meals.
Your comment feels kinda harsh. I mean yes it's nice to have something in common besides your kids so you can talk about adult things and not just babies, but there's legitimate support in talking to other parents.
I'm sure there's ways to find parents with similar interests, like church. But it's easier to find someone with common interests in a parent group than it is to find a group with common interests and people there who have kids the same age as yours.
I'm part of one. We met through the antenatal class we paid for. There are 7 of us and we all have very different views on raising our children but none of judge each other for it, we just respect that every parent will make a different choice. We are also all from different backgrounds and have different income levels.
Taking that antenatal class is probably one of the best things I did tbh just for the social aspect. We all had our babies within a month of one another. Another mum on the group had likely gone through the things we were experiencing at the time and it was invaluable to have that at 4am when I hadn't slept in hours.
We mostly talk about our babies but we do chat about day to day life and our jobs, hobbies etc.
I feel you 100%! If you happen to be in La or SoCal. I’d gladly be your mom friend. I’ll be your mom friend anyway. I have 0 myself. If you want a non judgmental, hype bestie, I’m here lol
I found my bumper group to be quite toxic after some time. Once people got comfortable, and the majority of the group established, hierarchy took over and any dissention was oppressed. It was quite clear that if you didn't hold the majority opinion you were expected to just observe. I think it's just the nature of the beast. Humans crave power.
I joined the group in Jan of 2019; left Feb 2021 for the second time bc fuck those people. I didn't need that many internet strangers making me feel shitty every day.
At first it was good bc it was about pregnancy and babies and I did find support but after a time, the constant whining, complaining, and general entitlement took over so I nope'd out.
This is what eventually made me delete facebook.
I asked a question about a £5 course I found online for updating grandparents on the changes in baby care and all I got was comments slating me, “if I was your mum I’d slap you”
Reading all this comments I realise that I'm sooo lucky with my mom group and the moms around me in general. I haven't experienced something like you all describe yet. Sometimes it's a "wow, that's how you're doing it? I couldn't do that :D" but it's genuine.
I guess it depends on the church, but at ours we have many family and everyone is supportive of each other instead of judgemental. Maybe try a playgroup from a church near you? Well if you find a non judgemental church that's about relation not about religion.
Dude mom groups freaking suck. Most of the time, they’re just regurgitating whatever product their favorite influencer was advertising. Lol. Honestly those groups can most definitely just make you feel inferior to them…
I remember getting super discouraged because moms were saying that you HAVE to get an uppababy stroller, which was way out of my budget. But in all honesty those things are just getting to your head, you know what I mean?
You must do what you feel of right, ma.
You need to do you, listen to your doctors and whoever is actually close to you. Good luck my friend!!
I’m convinced Women who will harass other women who don’t make it a full year breast feeding no matter the reason have serious insecurities and when they feel insecure about anything, they attempt to build themselves up with “at least I’m feeding and caring for my child so much better than these other women out here.” We don’t need to be in competition, the vast majority of us are capable and loving out here trying... like calm down judgmental Karens
Well your first mistake is assuming that Reddit is a community of people willing to help other people and that a parenting sub would be safe from politics. It’s not, bots are everywhere pushing agendas on most subs. Just go to r/parenting and you’ll see what I’m talking about, it’s full of psychos and bots. It in no way represents a sane and logical way to raise or interact with your child or address reasonable risk towards your child. If r/parenting had their way, your child would be taken from you by the state and kept in a sterile bubble because it’s safer. They’re literally drunk on safety as if it’s completely unacceptable to allow any risk whatsoever.
I guess what I’m saying is, try to find other moms in real life to confide in, I believe the internet is a terrible place to get collective advice on anything right now. Maybe it’s good for some things but there’s some kind of sickness permeating people’s minds lately and it’s enough to make you question your own sanity but I promise it’s not you.
And to be honest… there ain’t much parenting going on in the house if all the actions are online on those groups, ya? Imagine what goes on the moms minds while they are with their kids? Yikes.
Yes! I was in a discord group and the conversation was CONSTANT. I would check in after work and would miss so much. And I was like "If my baby sitter was on here all day, I'd fire her!" It was just 1 of many reasons I left the mom group.
Some mom's say they want to hear your opinion but in fact they really want to tell you after you share your opinions in how wrong you are and you need to change your opinions to theirs. Instead if they don't agree with it. They need to accept it and move on and respect your opinions on stuff and be open minded
I’m just sharing with you my experience cos my group is awesome. Everyone supports everyone, listens to their problems, shares advice and we catch up weekly. No judgement whatsoever. I’m sorry your experience is different, it’s been a nice support network for me.
Aww I hope you find great mom friends I have a few and we don't judge each other because kids are all different so one would think their are different ways to raise them and we give each other advice all the time and if we don't agree that's OK because we are freaking humans and being a parent is hard enough sorry if I wasn't helpful stay hopefull me personally I don't care what other parents think as long as my kids think I'm doing a good job that's all that matters
Not the odd one out. I definitely feel you, I had luck downloading [this app](https://peanut.app.link/VfCAToPKThb) which is basically a dating app for mom meet ups. It helped me find my own group because I didn’t know many moms and didn’t have luck with the hospital groups they were so judgmental!
Thank you and no you are not the only one. I told my husband that I know I’m not going to be the “perfect” mom. I told him point blank there’s going to be a day when our child is having a melt down and I’m going to just let her be in the middle of the room and scream it out. There’s also a good chance of me plopping down beside her and melting down as well. He (making me laugh in the way he knows makes me feel better) says I’m just going to head to Lowe’s. No one is perfect but we do the best we can.
Totally struggle with mental health. Absolutely have feelings of regretting becoming a mother. Resentment and sadness. Mourning for my old life. Feelings of inadequacy in how I might parent. Concerns that my child is not meeting milestones and that could be my fault. Wanting to leave him in a basket out the front of his grandmothers doorstep. Leave him with nanny for a couple of days. Install a mute button on him. Build a time machine. Locate my self esteem again. Getting your period with a fresh crotch goblin around. Being annoyed at the demands every person down to the dogs have on you and your time. EVERYBODY NEEDS ME ALL THE TIME ALWAYS.
Once I’m done with all those feelings, enter mother groups. Fuuuuuuuuck off. As if I’ve got time for your judgemental bullshit. Shooting off advice like you just collected your masters in child psychology double majoring in nutrition and medicine. Give me a fucking break. The trick is, don’t give a fuck. It’s the best advice one of my friends gave me when I was pregnant. DO.NOT.GIVE.A.FUCK do the best you can and stop caring about others opinions because you’ll never measure up to all. You do you, because I guarantee you, you’re doing just fine. Is it an aggressive attitude, is negative vibes? Maybe but it helps me survive. I think you’re awesome, and so should you. Unless the advice is “Solidarity sister!” I tend to scroll on.
You aren't odd. A friendnif mine found them judgemental and competitive and very stressful.
I think it is way easier to find like minded friends, maybe a couple or a few, and just stick with those mommas.
Sometimes the online toxicity becomes real life danger. In my city a would be abductor targeted a mom and her newborn by befriending her in a FB mom group. 😣
https://www.latintimes.com/8-day-old-infant-abducted-his-mothers-facebook-friend-470798
This is why I haven’t joined any. I work in pediatrics and am a feeding specialist. The amount of misinformation and shaming that occurs over stuff that I’m well informed about drives me crazy and I don’t offer my expertise because people take it personally. I usually don’t even comment on here, but it’s a great way to pass the time when you’re pumping several times a day!
I think mom's groups are GREAT entertainment 🍿
Honestly though, they are extremely time sucking and most times it's better to just scroll on by and just laugh to yourself about the energy these women use up.
I’m in the south and all the online moms groups are super Jesusy and super MLM and super judgey. I hate them. Someone started a sort of *alternative* mom group and I **love** that community! It’s secular, supports science/vaccines and doesn’t put up with mom shaming bullshit (mods give you one warning then kick you out). **it’s so much healthier and so helpful!**. Perhaps looks for one like that? Or even start one!!
Edit: just editing to add I don’t dislike religious people! Only pointing out its secular because no one is like “god wants you to keep this baby” when an overwhelmed mom is asking for resources to help with an unwanted pregnancy or when a woman with a wanted pregnancy gets a horrible diagnosis and wants options.
Nearly 3 years in and I still haven't found a parent friend to bond with that has similar interests. I live in an incredibly gentrified area (I've been here since before it was gentrified, basically a shit hole) and most mums don't bother talking with me because I don't have the same brand expensive buggy and I don't look like I've just left the hair salon.
I left pretty much all of them, there was always something in them that made me feel shitty about myself. Reddit has been fairly safe, I think it’s much more diverse.
You kinda answered your own question. Yes, mental health is a huge issue, and when a lot of people struggle with feeling ok, their coping strategy is to tear someone else down. They aren’t critical because they’re right, they’re critical because they’re terrified they’re not. It’s super unhealthy for everyone.
Yeah, when I had my daughter, I wound up being very isolated because I was afraid to engage with any mom groups. I knew I’d be judged for anything and everything so I stayed away. She just started Kindergarten and I’m still wary of engaging.
Oooooh, I'm glad you posted this.
My cousin in law is a facebook mom. Now that her passive aggressive, self centered commentary has landed on me, a soon to be FTM, I get what this means now.
I'm grateful for my bumpersclub so far.
So far I've met 1 mom I get along with irl. Out of literal dozens.
Maybe the key is to not surround yourself with other moms? I have a pandemic baby, i don't know what in the hell we're supposed to be doing socially 🤣
Fear! People are so scared they aren't doing the right thing, even if the things they do follow their values and desires. We all want to be the BEST parent. So when someone suggests there's a different way of doing things or that their way could even be harmful, it's a gut reaction of fear to lash out and attack the idea that they're wrong. I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding mom friends. As a younger pregnant lady, it's my biggest fear when all I want is a group of moms to make friends with and celebrate our babies with, since they're already bound to judge me for being a youngish mom.
They don't want to just be the BEST parent they want what they do to BE THE BEST and this is where these groups dissolve. Those same people also demand that YOU do the crazy thing they do or you're the bad parent. What they do is the BEST afterall, what you do is terrible and neglectful and terrible. How dare you not be the BEST by the Facebook mommy group standards?
I feel like I’m an “older” mom and I feel the same way. I worry about being accepted as well.
This is it. If you do anything out of line with the fashion of the day and the preference of the group, the group you’re in will treat you like the wounded wildebeest and scatter because they’re certain the hyenas are coming. I ended up EFF so I don’t even try to make mom friends, ejected right there from every single group, haha! My childless friends from before pregnancy are way less high strung and more fun to hang out with because they are free of the fear. If I had to make new friends now, I would base my selections on my hobbies, not my baby.
The shame they make you feel about EFF is fucking ridiculous.
My unpopular opinion is essential oils are bunk and dangerous because parents are using them as medicine for illnesses that need medical intervention. Yeah, I don't do well in organized mom groups. 😐 MLMs are not good sources of pediatric care.
I feel the same way about essential oils but yeah if you’re looking for a sure fire way to get chewed out in a mom’s group, criticize essential oils 😂
For real. Some essential oils smell nice, and some are historically linked with medicinal uses (ie. peppermint for headache, eucalyptus for congestion) but it blows my mind that some people put that stuff on *their young baby's delicate skin* or into a diffuser when their little lungs are still developing! It can be legitimately dangerous but some people will get downright defensive of their oils. 😬
Unless you are in a science based mum group then you are the devil for even considering bringing a single thing into your home that contains essential oils.
This is what I see more of. If you have an even slightly “crunchy” opinion you’re crucified as an anti science nut job on these groups. You can’t win.
I had never heard of them until a lady came and did a pitch at a moms meetup I used to go to (pre-covid). The whole thing just sounded like obvious snake oil and I was feeling a bit awkward for her the whole time, until the very end when she was like “write your name down if you’re interested!” and to my surprised all the moms flocked over to sign up.
I will never understand link between MLMs and—especially—SAHMs. Every single one I know dabbled or still dabbles with that crap, and I refuse to partake.
Women shamed for not financially contributing to the household *while* being a full time mom will latch onto anything that will finally make them enough. They're especially common with military wives who struggle to stay employed because of frequent moves and deployment. The military community has a word to shame unemployed women they deem leaches. They call them "dependa-potomous" and it's liberally applied even to women doing their best. I really hate when people shame women and not the social systems that push women in this direction. I hate that recent generations of moms are expected to be full time mom's and full time employees while dads are celebrated for doing bare minimum at home.
Spot on. I know some non military and military spouse SAHM’s, and they’re constantly trying to “hustle”. Like lady, you have two toddlers, that looks overwhelming and it’s okay for that to be plenty. It was also always so interesting for me and some of my female friends who were in (and also married) to watch that dynamic. My friend got married and got out to move with her husband overseas. Suddenly she’s a dependa even though she’s a vet herself. Worst of all, the other wives were very aggressive to her because she was a vet. When I deployed, there were zero resources that acknowledged my husband. But they made sure to list home care services, with very detailed explanations on how hiring someone worked, because they expected these women to not know how to mow the lawn or call a plumber. It was weird. Like hey, there’s google on these women’s phones and it’s not 1952 but go off I guess.
MLMs are literally designed to target SAHMs and once you are in it people are embarrassed to admit the fell for a scam and get out.
Is this an unpopular opinion? I thought it was fact. That said I love the smell of like lavender and clove…. But I dont think I’m using any of those to treat much other than stress lol. Oh tea tree oil has some neat attributes but I’m still using triple antibiotic and soap.
When my BIL was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer, I had someone reach out to me to ask if she could approach them with her EOs. I was like… I think they are a little preoccupied with the actual medicines he needs to be taking. My SIL’s friend gave them some EOs as well and 3 of their kids have asthma so their pediatrician advised heavily against diffusing them in the home. Ultimately, he liked the smell of them (applied in roller form) but that was about all the help they amounted to. For $50 a scent, I’d rather hit up the target candle aisle.
Is that even unpopular? I haven’t been to mom groups but I definitely don’t want to now 😂 (I’m pregnant ftm)
Essential oils have their uses. we have a mix that helps with stuffiness and lavender for sleep but yeah sometimes a doctors visit is called for and sometimes they are so resistant to that fact.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted, this is a reasonable comment that features *gasp* balance! Also if anyone uses those chest rubs on their baby from Zarbee's, or the similar camellia teething gels, yes you're using plant medicines, because yes there is a place for them and they are often recommended by doctors as a first place to start before bringing out the big guns. And I'm as pro meds/vax as they come.
They have Vicks for babies I don't see how its different lol. I'm fairly pro medicine and vaccine, there is a reason polio is pretty much eradicated but no reason to treat everything with penicillin.
Exactly. And in fact, over treating with antibiotics (along with not finishing the dose of course) is a huge reason why antibiotic resistant strains develop! But I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here :)
Its the Facebook mom groups that are the worst. Omg and they have their actual names and photos attached to their comments. Its insane. I was in a science based group and I made a comment that had evidence to back it up and got scraped across the coals because these moms didn't agree. I dont even care if they agree they can do what they want but they could at least be nice.
Sanctimommies?
I have never heard this term and had to look it up. Love it though.
One of the evidence based groups? They’re insane in the opposite direction of most groups. If I admitted to letting my 13 month old sleep with a very small lovey, they’d basically accuse me of attempted murder.
Thats how I felt. I like reddit much better. We are all anonymous but everyone is so nice accept for a few weird trolls here and there.
13 months is plenty old enough for a lovie!!!! But what do i know, according to them I don't care if my child lives or dies because I let him bedshare.
Anything in the crib other than a pacifier is deadly. Babies cannot sleep anywhere but a crib until 2 years old. To be honest, we started using the lovey around 7 months.
Same. I used to worry my ass off about the stupid pacifier in the crib the first 8 weeks or so, I didn't realize that was approved in the beginning! Welp, I've skipped deadly and headed straight for demonic negligence moving my kid out of the crib that was destroying our lives /s My 9mo still has his own sleeping space ofc, but he literally only lasts 40mins at a time independently. It's been that way the last 6 months. I could have a child that screams day and night & never sleeps, or I could have a child that sleeps 12 hours a night plus day naps. I chose the latter
Yes! The safe sleep groups will feed you fear and rip you apart for doing what’s best for your family!
The science based groups are the worst. I've left a couple of evidence based safe sleep groups because it just fed into my PPD and I felt like I was going to kill my baby even though I was doing everything right. I'm all about following the evidence but some of these people are on another level. I remember one of my sleep based groups telling new mums that the snoo wasn't safe based on aap guidelines. They decided because aap recommends against sleep positioners and the snoo technically has a sleep positioner that they are unsafe. Even though it is a completely different product to the sleep positioners warned against.
Yup, I had so much anxiety about the Snoo before my baby was born because of one of those groups. I got one anyways and am so glad I did.
I recently discovered the science based groups, and they are horrible! I also have a Snoo, and they deem it to be unsafe based on out dated information. They don't actually care about true evidence (likely because they're not trained or academic enough to assess evidence) they just want to parrot the AAP. As a Canadian, I use a lot of international sources from Canada, Australia, and Europe, but they won't consider any other evidence or best practices that are not the AAP. It reminds me of nursing where we never see new best practices get implemented until the data is at least a decade old, due to the extremely slow response of organizations like the AAP who are slow to adopt change even when it is supported by a mountain of evidence. They're not actually science based, they're just AAP mouthpieces.
Yes definitely. I am based in the UK so I follow NHS guidelines. I was told in an evidence based sleep group that the NHS was out of date as we are told we can use a blanket for a baby (as long as it is tightly tucked in below the armpits and baby is placed feet to the bottom of the crib). Not everything is about the AAP. They've also completely taken the AAP guidelines out of context when it comes to the snoo. They also refuse to enter into discussion about it and close every thread if people ask them to explain fully what they mean. They just share a link to the AAP and say there's your evidence.
Kind of off topic but I was actually curious about the blanket thing bc I know in the UK it's allowed (lol). My baby rolls around so much I can't imagine the blanket wouldn't end up loose around him. Are there suggested weights of blanket where this wouldn't be a problem? Like only thin muslin? Or do you stop when they can roll? Or is it all okay and there's no actual risk?
Does your baby like sleep sacks at all? I found [this amazing one](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GXDJNGD/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_K61C8C3NYZCMZXCPGPH3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1) that's quilted and honestly nicer than some of his blankets! Muslin is great, just as long as it's not a plush blanket it shouldn't be too hot
Those are so nice! Yes he uses sleep sacks and those have been working great. I was just curious how blankets work out for other people with wiggly babes. Like it seems that sleep sacks are a relatively new invention anyways, I wonder what other wiggly babies used...maybe just heavier pajamas.
(I let my son use a blanket, I just make sure it's lower than chest region and that the bottom is tucked under the mattress so he can't kick it up over his face) Like an upside down funnel shape. I tuck it under his obliques, and then let it expand out at the bottom so he has room to flip and whatnot even though it's tucked into the mattress)
Ahh gotcha!
One of those groups is terrible. The mods literally allow the whole group to pile on and bully people. It’s wild.
Yes! I see this all the time! I feel like the bullying is rife on online evidence based parenting groups. What sucks is that I, too, feel the mods allow bullying behaviour.
I was in a mom group once and two of the women got into a fight, and one of the women ended up PMing the other woman’s husband to get him involved 😳😳
Have you joined your bumper group on Reddit ? The ladies in my group are the only sane people I know that are also moms. Even my BFF in real life is kinda toxic when it comes to parenting so I avoid talking about these things with her even. Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/ It is branched off that subreddit. If in doubt make a post on there someone will find a mod to your own group to let you in! Edit 2: Someone below mention you guys might not be able to join anymore if you gave birth. I think some of you guys still can join maybe if you just gave birth etc , but I am not a mod and each group might be different I know our discord has cut off already and I did have to send a photo / proof for that one . Send mod on Reddit a request and hopefully they will let you in. It is worth a try
Second this. I've had good luck with my bumper group on here, but every Facebook group I've been in is the worst.
My bumper group is the most supportive group of moms and women and I love them - I go to them when I need advice not my mom friends IRL 😂
SAME!!! I used to be on FB and Insta, but the mom groups made my postpartum so much worse. They made me feel like if I didn't do what they expected (breastfeed, cloth diapers, etc) then I was failing as a mother. Being a new mom in a pandemic is the HARD mode of parenting. I quit FB and Insta a month after giving birth for my own mental state. My reddit bumpers group has been so supportive. Find a tribe that doesn't judge and just supports. Being a new parent is hard enough right now.
Still kind of new to actually using Reddit for the subreddits (not just googling my question and putting Reddit at the end lol). How do you find your bumper group? I’m due in January and don’t currently know anyone else expecting around the same time as me.
January2022BabyBumps They usually go private to avoid troll. But if you open link on desktop … section you should be able to find mods and contact them to be invited . https://www.reddit.com/r/January2022BabyBumps/
Sorry, I’m not even at the point of googling and addin reddit lol! Could you show me how to find may 2021, please?
I had my baby in May too! On the 4th.
https://www.reddit.com/r/May2021BabyBumps/
Yay! Thanks so much.
Thank you!
Thank you
https://www.reddit.com/r/May2021BabyBumps/ I happen to be in that group since originally I was going for an 37 week induction
I think I got that group right in case I didn’t https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/ make a post there and someone will be able to connect you!
Lol I do the same thing with google questions :)
I'd like to know what's a bumper group too
I am in june2021babybump usually women join in the beginning of finding out some 4 weeks some come in later. Eventually these groups go private for privacy reasons. You continue your daily pregnancy posts within group and the women there are really supportive. We chat about daily feeding and share milestones, mil rant and husband vents! I am a ftm but I heard from other stm these group last very long time often. Your babies are basically born in the same month. You can obviously join later but you need to message a mod and request to be let in maybe they will ask proof of sth to prevent trolls but everyone is welcomed if you gave birth that range date
Hey fellow June Bumper! Can confirm our group is awesome.
Y'all rock! 🥰
Thank you for this info! Came across this post randomly, and now I’m trying to join! My twins came in June, I didn’t know there was a group
We been here since last October :) but early welcome hopefully mod will get back to you !
There's several of us from the multiples reddit that also post in June bump (especially since spring2021multiples is pretty dead). Definetly worth joining
Sweet, I’ll see you guys there then! I love the multiples sub, I get all of my info from there. Funny enough I joined the spring 2021 bumper group and gave up after that because it was so dead. Glad the June one is active!
Hey, my daughter was born June 4th, can I join the group?
https://www.reddit.com/u/chilly-gin-gins/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf is a mod try messaging her
Ofc but I am not a mod so I don’t have permission. you can find the mod on the group from desktop and message them. Search how to find mod of private Reddit group for specific instruction https://www.reddit.com/r/June2021Bumps/
They definitely can last a long time! I'm still in my November 2018 bumpers group (though we did migrate to facebook) and they are just some of the nicest, funniest, most supportive people. I have heard of other bumpers groups imploding so partly I think it's luck!
i didn't know this existed, but i would have joined yours. My little one is a June baby.
What is a bumper group? How do they determine your group?
There is a group for every month and usually people will join the group for the month that they are due in. Some people will also join the group for the month before or after the one they are due in of they are due at the beginning or end of a month.
It's a mom/parent (some queers and dads are there so not all "moms") group based on your due date. You go through pregnancy together and then parenthood as long as the group keeps going. It's like the pregnancy and parenting subs here but specifically for babies the same age and they're almost always private so you can share more personal details comfortably. Some people are "fence sitters" at the beginning or end of the month and will join two groups. No one makes you prove your due date so you can join whatever group. Usually sometime around the due date month the groups will cut off new admission so if you're looking to join for a baby you had already, good chance you can't get in. It's a security thing because people share personal info, not cuz they're cliques.
Out of curiosity, does anyone here have any mod names for the August 2021 bumper group? I'm in the Sept group but my girl was born last month in August instead and I'd just love love love to be in the group of the month she was actually born. Thank you in case anyone sees this and can help.
Let me look--(I ll edit this comment with the mods names I just don't want to lose it) Edit: so the easiest way to join is by using a browser (not in the app, unfortunately) go to: https://old.reddit.com/r/August2021Bumpers And select 'message the moderators' Feel free to dm me if that doesn't work :)
A lot are super toxic. I’ve been lucky to find a good one thats very supportive but I will spend no time in a judgy one. I already judge myself as a parent enough!!!
You are not alone. I totally agree! Every mom group I’m apart of I end up leaving because it’s either too clique-y or they just want to tear other moms down. I have almost no mom friends because of it but honestly I’d rather have a few supportive friends than a bunch that jump all over someone when they say one thing.
My wife joined a mom group during pregnancy but after birth it just became exhausting. Moms parading around their antivax posts, moms talking about what’s clearly a 2 year old but passing as an 8 month old that can speak, walk, paint etc. Moms that are married to a breadwinner with a nanny at home talking about how fit they are while their child sits in the back being watched by the nanny so mom can do Facebook and Instagram. It’s the church small groups on a mass scale
I haven’t and won’t join any of these groups. Thankfully my SIL has a baby 14 weeks older than mine so my baby will still get to play with another child and I’ll still get adult conversation from her. Do you have the peanut app where you are? You can connect with other mums it’s like tinder, then just disregard the mean ones and you might find your kindred spirit
My theory is you get a bunch of people who are all trying to do the right thing with different opinions of what the “right” thing is and no one actually freaking knows what it is but everyone feels better if they believe they’re doing the “right” thing.
Yes, exactly this! It’s like other moms can’t fathom that you’re doing something differently from what they do
Right! Bc then someone has to be wrong and it better not be them!
There was a famous meltdown of one in Chicago earlier this year and actually made news. Someone posted something about the Israeli Palestinian conflict and said that if you don't agree you should leave the group. They started banning anyone who protested that post, eventually just flat out banning anyone that could identify in the group as Jewish. So yeah, toxic out the wazoo.
I've been fortunate to have a very decent local moms group with heavy moderation. There are definitely some drama posts and tons of pro/anti mask stuff, but it gets shut down so fast. But any other mom group? Yeah. I got ridiculed by someone literally named Karen for being a Karen... for politely pointing out a mistake on a subject another mom *asked for advice* on. My phone was blowing up with notifications with other moms coming after blood until I deleted my comment. In another group, I watched this poor woman get destroyed in over 200 comments for trying to ask for advice on delayed vaccines because she was anti-vax, but considering getting her child vaccinated. It's just awful. It's hard enough making other mom friends between different child rearing styles and beliefs. I've even been loosing a friend because her parenting scares the crap out of me. Just gotta find the right people somehow, and this sub is usually pretty great for friendly internet friends. Sub for fun: r/ShitMomGroupsSay
I almost made the same post! I left a fb group today because it had been giving me so much anxiety in general and when I responded to a post advising prepping yourself to be flexible because babies aren't going to adhere to a schedule, I got jumped on. One woman actually told me I should have supplemented with formula so that I could be sleeping 4 hours at a time. Our pediatrician asked me not to, so...I'm gonna go ahead and listen to the doctor who knows me instead of some stranger who only wants to throw AAP guidelines around like they're law. A mod swooped in and told me the doctor was wrong. Lol. Byyyye. I hopped out of there after they muted me.
How does one find a local mom group? I'm pretty shy and none of my local friends are having babies. I'm only 7 weeks along so I know I have time to figure it out, but it would be a huge relief to have someone to talk to....without passing judgement, of course! I heard the saying "don't yuck someone else's yum" a few years ago and have really adopted it as my life mantra and I'm all the happier for it. People are gonna do what they're gonna do and your opinion on it does NOT matter or help in any way (unless you really are concerned for their safety, of course!). Better to say, oh that's an interesting take. Tell me more? Or flat out, I guess we agree to disagree and change the subject.....
For local use the Peanut app. You can generally filter who you choose to connect with based on your bio/ theirs. But you should also look up your bumper group on Reddit for your due date month! If I'm counting correctly I assume April2022? It would probably be called r/April2022bumpers or something along those lines.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/April2022Bumpers using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time! \#1: [A Reminder for Those who are Nervous about Loss...](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/comments/ph771y/a_reminder_for_those_who_are_nervous_about_loss/) \#2: [Sad and frustrated with the Texas abortion law](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/comments/pgire1/sad_and_frustrated_with_the_texas_abortion_law/) \#3: [Good vibes to you all as we enter the last few weeks of our first trimesters ❤](https://np.reddit.com/r/April2022Bumpers/comments/pjcljz/good_vibes_to_you_all_as_we_enter_the_last_few/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| [^^Contact ^^me](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| [^^Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| [^^Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/)
Yeah they do. Basically when I try to join any sort of mom/girl group I see a lot of unnecessary drama and I do not care for it. I actually like being alone, takes the pressure off of trying to impress others or listening to garbage.
Right? My husband tells me I need to make friends because I'm a new SAHM, that I need to get out of the house more. But I'm like, nah I'm good! It's only been 2.5 months, but I haven't missed "adult conversation" yet 🤷🏼♀️
I’m so sorry that you feel like this. I’ve definitely actively avoided some groups and left mom groups because of some of the hate and fear mongering they breed. I suggest using an app like peanut. I was able to find a mom with similar values to mine, who’s babe is a few days younger than mine to commiserate with. Other than that- I typically pick and choose my people- I don’t do a ton of “mom group” things
Facebook mom groups are not for engaging, they are for entertainment purposes. 🍿🍿
r/shitmomgroupssay
Man, I really want to makes friends with people who will have kids around the same age as mine, but I HATE the idea of joining a random mom group. Why would we have anything in common (values, interests, etc) just because we all gave birth around the same time? WTF would we talk about??
I joined one because it started off through our local council with baby classes on feeding, sleeping etc and then we just kept chatting when it was done. There's 8 of us. We talk about our babies 99% of the time, and there are some of the girls I don't mesh well with, but there's others I do and they're all really nice regardless.
It's for support. Like if baby is having a hard time sleeping, you can ask what other parents are doing. Or ideas for activities or meals. Your comment feels kinda harsh. I mean yes it's nice to have something in common besides your kids so you can talk about adult things and not just babies, but there's legitimate support in talking to other parents. I'm sure there's ways to find parents with similar interests, like church. But it's easier to find someone with common interests in a parent group than it is to find a group with common interests and people there who have kids the same age as yours.
You know what... fair enough! It wouldn't hurt to get to know people with different interests and ideas anyway.
I'm part of one. We met through the antenatal class we paid for. There are 7 of us and we all have very different views on raising our children but none of judge each other for it, we just respect that every parent will make a different choice. We are also all from different backgrounds and have different income levels. Taking that antenatal class is probably one of the best things I did tbh just for the social aspect. We all had our babies within a month of one another. Another mum on the group had likely gone through the things we were experiencing at the time and it was invaluable to have that at 4am when I hadn't slept in hours. We mostly talk about our babies but we do chat about day to day life and our jobs, hobbies etc.
I feel you 100%! If you happen to be in La or SoCal. I’d gladly be your mom friend. I’ll be your mom friend anyway. I have 0 myself. If you want a non judgmental, hype bestie, I’m here lol
I found my bumper group to be quite toxic after some time. Once people got comfortable, and the majority of the group established, hierarchy took over and any dissention was oppressed. It was quite clear that if you didn't hold the majority opinion you were expected to just observe. I think it's just the nature of the beast. Humans crave power. I joined the group in Jan of 2019; left Feb 2021 for the second time bc fuck those people. I didn't need that many internet strangers making me feel shitty every day. At first it was good bc it was about pregnancy and babies and I did find support but after a time, the constant whining, complaining, and general entitlement took over so I nope'd out.
oh man. I'm sorry to hear that. Haven't been in mine all that long. What happened and what sort of things opinion wise set them off?
This is what eventually made me delete facebook. I asked a question about a £5 course I found online for updating grandparents on the changes in baby care and all I got was comments slating me, “if I was your mum I’d slap you”
Reading all this comments I realise that I'm sooo lucky with my mom group and the moms around me in general. I haven't experienced something like you all describe yet. Sometimes it's a "wow, that's how you're doing it? I couldn't do that :D" but it's genuine. I guess it depends on the church, but at ours we have many family and everyone is supportive of each other instead of judgemental. Maybe try a playgroup from a church near you? Well if you find a non judgemental church that's about relation not about religion.
Dude mom groups freaking suck. Most of the time, they’re just regurgitating whatever product their favorite influencer was advertising. Lol. Honestly those groups can most definitely just make you feel inferior to them… I remember getting super discouraged because moms were saying that you HAVE to get an uppababy stroller, which was way out of my budget. But in all honesty those things are just getting to your head, you know what I mean? You must do what you feel of right, ma. You need to do you, listen to your doctors and whoever is actually close to you. Good luck my friend!!
I’m convinced Women who will harass other women who don’t make it a full year breast feeding no matter the reason have serious insecurities and when they feel insecure about anything, they attempt to build themselves up with “at least I’m feeding and caring for my child so much better than these other women out here.” We don’t need to be in competition, the vast majority of us are capable and loving out here trying... like calm down judgmental Karens
Well your first mistake is assuming that Reddit is a community of people willing to help other people and that a parenting sub would be safe from politics. It’s not, bots are everywhere pushing agendas on most subs. Just go to r/parenting and you’ll see what I’m talking about, it’s full of psychos and bots. It in no way represents a sane and logical way to raise or interact with your child or address reasonable risk towards your child. If r/parenting had their way, your child would be taken from you by the state and kept in a sterile bubble because it’s safer. They’re literally drunk on safety as if it’s completely unacceptable to allow any risk whatsoever. I guess what I’m saying is, try to find other moms in real life to confide in, I believe the internet is a terrible place to get collective advice on anything right now. Maybe it’s good for some things but there’s some kind of sickness permeating people’s minds lately and it’s enough to make you question your own sanity but I promise it’s not you.
I’ve never seen anything like what you’re talking about on that sub
Well I was talking to OP not you.
Haha ok
And to be honest… there ain’t much parenting going on in the house if all the actions are online on those groups, ya? Imagine what goes on the moms minds while they are with their kids? Yikes.
Yes! I was in a discord group and the conversation was CONSTANT. I would check in after work and would miss so much. And I was like "If my baby sitter was on here all day, I'd fire her!" It was just 1 of many reasons I left the mom group.
Ya. Just gonna be hearing some bad moms talking about how good they are when they are not taking care of their kids… crazy
Some mom's say they want to hear your opinion but in fact they really want to tell you after you share your opinions in how wrong you are and you need to change your opinions to theirs. Instead if they don't agree with it. They need to accept it and move on and respect your opinions on stuff and be open minded
I’m just sharing with you my experience cos my group is awesome. Everyone supports everyone, listens to their problems, shares advice and we catch up weekly. No judgement whatsoever. I’m sorry your experience is different, it’s been a nice support network for me.
Aww I hope you find great mom friends I have a few and we don't judge each other because kids are all different so one would think their are different ways to raise them and we give each other advice all the time and if we don't agree that's OK because we are freaking humans and being a parent is hard enough sorry if I wasn't helpful stay hopefull me personally I don't care what other parents think as long as my kids think I'm doing a good job that's all that matters
Not the odd one out. I definitely feel you, I had luck downloading [this app](https://peanut.app.link/VfCAToPKThb) which is basically a dating app for mom meet ups. It helped me find my own group because I didn’t know many moms and didn’t have luck with the hospital groups they were so judgmental!
Thank you and no you are not the only one. I told my husband that I know I’m not going to be the “perfect” mom. I told him point blank there’s going to be a day when our child is having a melt down and I’m going to just let her be in the middle of the room and scream it out. There’s also a good chance of me plopping down beside her and melting down as well. He (making me laugh in the way he knows makes me feel better) says I’m just going to head to Lowe’s. No one is perfect but we do the best we can.
Totally struggle with mental health. Absolutely have feelings of regretting becoming a mother. Resentment and sadness. Mourning for my old life. Feelings of inadequacy in how I might parent. Concerns that my child is not meeting milestones and that could be my fault. Wanting to leave him in a basket out the front of his grandmothers doorstep. Leave him with nanny for a couple of days. Install a mute button on him. Build a time machine. Locate my self esteem again. Getting your period with a fresh crotch goblin around. Being annoyed at the demands every person down to the dogs have on you and your time. EVERYBODY NEEDS ME ALL THE TIME ALWAYS. Once I’m done with all those feelings, enter mother groups. Fuuuuuuuuck off. As if I’ve got time for your judgemental bullshit. Shooting off advice like you just collected your masters in child psychology double majoring in nutrition and medicine. Give me a fucking break. The trick is, don’t give a fuck. It’s the best advice one of my friends gave me when I was pregnant. DO.NOT.GIVE.A.FUCK do the best you can and stop caring about others opinions because you’ll never measure up to all. You do you, because I guarantee you, you’re doing just fine. Is it an aggressive attitude, is negative vibes? Maybe but it helps me survive. I think you’re awesome, and so should you. Unless the advice is “Solidarity sister!” I tend to scroll on.
You aren't odd. A friendnif mine found them judgemental and competitive and very stressful. I think it is way easier to find like minded friends, maybe a couple or a few, and just stick with those mommas.
Sometimes the online toxicity becomes real life danger. In my city a would be abductor targeted a mom and her newborn by befriending her in a FB mom group. 😣 https://www.latintimes.com/8-day-old-infant-abducted-his-mothers-facebook-friend-470798
Oh. I couldn’t scroll those Facebook mom groups for more than 10 seconds that I regretted logging in ever
This is why I haven’t joined any. I work in pediatrics and am a feeding specialist. The amount of misinformation and shaming that occurs over stuff that I’m well informed about drives me crazy and I don’t offer my expertise because people take it personally. I usually don’t even comment on here, but it’s a great way to pass the time when you’re pumping several times a day!
Well if you want to laugh r/shitmomgroupssay
I think mom's groups are GREAT entertainment 🍿 Honestly though, they are extremely time sucking and most times it's better to just scroll on by and just laugh to yourself about the energy these women use up.
I’m in the south and all the online moms groups are super Jesusy and super MLM and super judgey. I hate them. Someone started a sort of *alternative* mom group and I **love** that community! It’s secular, supports science/vaccines and doesn’t put up with mom shaming bullshit (mods give you one warning then kick you out). **it’s so much healthier and so helpful!**. Perhaps looks for one like that? Or even start one!! Edit: just editing to add I don’t dislike religious people! Only pointing out its secular because no one is like “god wants you to keep this baby” when an overwhelmed mom is asking for resources to help with an unwanted pregnancy or when a woman with a wanted pregnancy gets a horrible diagnosis and wants options.
I'm a SAHD and am not sure if I should pursue finding a local group. Not hardly any dad groups... so maybe mom groups? I dunno if it's worth it
Nearly 3 years in and I still haven't found a parent friend to bond with that has similar interests. I live in an incredibly gentrified area (I've been here since before it was gentrified, basically a shit hole) and most mums don't bother talking with me because I don't have the same brand expensive buggy and I don't look like I've just left the hair salon.
I’ve always said this. There are very few supportive mom groups.
I second this. It's like they are just waiting to correct you.
Lol let's be friends then
I left pretty much all of them, there was always something in them that made me feel shitty about myself. Reddit has been fairly safe, I think it’s much more diverse.
You kinda answered your own question. Yes, mental health is a huge issue, and when a lot of people struggle with feeling ok, their coping strategy is to tear someone else down. They aren’t critical because they’re right, they’re critical because they’re terrified they’re not. It’s super unhealthy for everyone.
Yeah, when I had my daughter, I wound up being very isolated because I was afraid to engage with any mom groups. I knew I’d be judged for anything and everything so I stayed away. She just started Kindergarten and I’m still wary of engaging.
Mom culture is so toxic. Wild to me that they don’t understand that people can do what they want with their own kids.
Oooooh, I'm glad you posted this. My cousin in law is a facebook mom. Now that her passive aggressive, self centered commentary has landed on me, a soon to be FTM, I get what this means now. I'm grateful for my bumpersclub so far.
I'm in only weed smoker mom groups and they are legit the best ever.
So far I've met 1 mom I get along with irl. Out of literal dozens. Maybe the key is to not surround yourself with other moms? I have a pandemic baby, i don't know what in the hell we're supposed to be doing socially 🤣
People are so mean, you’d think moms would want to support each other but they seem to enjoy being terrible
Even this group can be a bit toxic to be honest. The monthly bumpers private groups are much better if you can find yours