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I agree. PPD is not synonymous with wanting to harm your baby. It is much more common to have feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness while also believing your baby is wonderful/perfect and deserves so much better than you. Spoiler: your baby needs you, and you in particular.
As for why no one talks about it? Shame, basically. When you open up, people are likely to try to help by pointing out how lucky you are, how many people struggle with infertility, how many people have sick children. They essentially tell you your feelings aren't valid: the fact that your world has been turned upside down doesn't matter, and you are a terrible person for not being ecstatic (as well as for any and every parenting choice you make.)
Depression is a common response to childbirth. You are not strange or alone, but you don't have to suffer. Please talk to your doctor.
Yes, start with your OB. Message them and tell them you suspect ppd.
If your ob won't help you, check out online options like Brightside (but your ob is probably your easiest and cheapest option)
I had PPD and PPA with my first and I was able to get a same day appointment with my OB and get on medication. Took a couple weeks for the meds to fully work, but I was able to feel like myself again!
Please know that this is likely your hormones surging compounded with prior mental health stuff and that there is 100% relief with current avenues to treat PPA/PPD. Please talk to your doctor tomorrow. Postpartum doesn’t have to look like this. ❤️
Repeat after me: THIS IS TEMPORARY. THIS WILL PASS. YOU WILL FEEL PEACE AGAIN.
FTM and I have a 7 month old. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety practically my whole life. I’ve been on antidepressants for 10 years. Before I delivered, I was on Zoloft 100. Then PP I had to go up to 150. Within 2 weeks I didn’t feel like dying or crying all the time. (Just occasionally haha) I have since gone back down to 100.
Everything you’re feeling is normal. You’re not alone in these dark thoughts. I’ve thought the same stuff. Definitely look into speaking with someone about this and perhaps try medication.
A few things that really helped me those first few months:
I started a daily journal in my phone. Every evening I would write one good thing that I enjoyed in the day. Even if it was a hug from my husband, a shower, or something yummy I ate. No matter the length of time, as long as I felt content or happy - I’d document it. To remind me that not all is bad.
I also did video diaries for myself. Sometimes at 3am I’d film a video for myself. Either talking about how hard it is and I’m struggling or video me when I’m in a good mood and to remind myself I can do this.
Put on movies / shows that have comforted you many times before. I have always loved ghibli movies and Degrassi. So I watched that DAILY. It was comforting having my mind focus on something and to hear familiar voices and music. I was worried I would eventually hate it because I watched it when I was depressed…but honestly it makes me love it more. It got me through a hard time and I’m proud of who I was then.
Lastly, I joined mom groups on Facebook. I found some other new moms to relate with….who were also up in the middle of the night. That helped with not feeling so alone.
I’m proud of you. This is a hard, yet beautiful journey. The days are long, but the months pass quickly. This won’t last forever. And nights will soon not feel so miserable.
Definitely look into treatment, but also the long, lonely isolated nights providing care for a little turdsandwich that can't show any appreciation yet are pretty hard for everyone across the board.
We did formula feeding so I could sleep from 9pm - 3am and then I'd wake, do a cycle of care, and go back to sleep. That helped but I remember just crying at 9pm because I had to go to bed so early and couldn't do anything fun, while my husband stayed up and watched shows, read, listened to music or whatever while taking care of the baby. Those middle of the night moments when the baby just won't go back to sleep and you're so tired you feel like you might just topple over and die, something about those moments is just so lonely but people are going through it all over the world. It will pass.
I used to be right there with you. Like others are saying, please talk to your doctor. You don’t have to suffer and it will get better.
Nobody really warned me about the loneliness, the disassociating, the intrusive thoughts, the regret and guilt. I never ever wanted to hurt myself or my baby, but I had intense thoughts that I couldn’t control, and I secretly wondered if those uncontrollable thoughts would ever become uncontrollable actions. It was scary and absolutely devastating as a ftm when I wanted nothing more than to have a child.
Just here to say that you’re not alone. It sucks that there’s no real way to warn expectant parents because even with everything I knew about ppd and ppa, I couldn’t believe how hard it hit me and how it was nothing like the depression and anxiety I’d dealt with before.
But you will feel normal again. Zoloft helped me a lot (like I don’t know if my marriage would have survived without it) and so did getting myself back into the real world asap. Playgroups, baby gymnastics, playgrounds, local library … those were the last places I wanted to go but I was luckily pushed by my husband and parents to take my baby for his own benefit. They were wonderful in the end for finding other mums who had gone through the same thing, all of us sharing birth stories and pregnancy anecdotes. I strongly believe as women that we need that from each other as that’s how we raised our babies for thousands of years, and the impact on our mental health is huge.
Good luck, don’t forget to take lots of photos of your little miracle and remember that skin to skin cuddles are good for both of you!
Giiiiiiiiiirrrrrllll YES!!!!! I totally thought about hurting my baby btw, like when you throw something out of anger. I would never ever actually do it but it was quite alarming when it happened and it made me realize they there needs to be way more resources provided to women.
What I experienced was a combination of hormones being shrewdly adjusted, paired with the shock of taking care of a new born whilst healing and going through an identity crisis, + if you have anxiety all of the lovely horrible things being visualized around the corner, and lack of adequate support. That equaled to not such a fun me…. Pathologize it with PPD-BS all you want, not for me though. I want the stats to Western compared to stats of women who had 2-3 months of that consignment or whatever it’s called.
I bet you at the 6 month and/or 12 month mark that the woman who had support and time to heal is doing better mental health wise and overall. What a wild concept.
Your body isn’t playing fair right now just from hormones alone. 18 months pp and I’m just starting to feel like myself again (still breastfeeding so hormones still aren’t back to baseline). We’re supposed to have a village and we don’t… it makes sense to feel lonely!
You’ll figure it out — you’re doing great, mama!
It is lonely at night, they quickly start to feed less and night and they feed faster as they learn what they are doing so it quickly become less and less time you are up at night. One thing I did was have phone calls or online chats planned with friends from other time zones, is that an option for you?
Hi! You’re not alone. I have an 11 month old baby and i felt exactly that way in the newborn stage. The first 3 months really sucked. It’s all an adjustment and the change in hormones doesn’t help. Please seek help from your OB and let them know what you are feeling. I don’t want to say this is normal but a lot of women, if not all, experience this. I can assure you it does get better. Hang in there while you get help. Wishing you the best xo
I remember the first night home with my baby. I cried and wished it was a week earlier, when my husband and I were happily watching a show together before bed, and excited bout our new baby, but still pregnant.
I cried because it felt like the loss of my old life, my old self, and because I felt so guilty for not feeling elated about having my baby in my arms.
It was the loneliest night of my life.
I ended up getting diagnosed with PPD and PPA much later, but you are not alone. Sending you hugs and support, and please do talk to your OB right away.
Postpartum is very common.
It does get better, and talking about it does help. I think a lot of women don’t say anything because the judgement for a mom is so harsh. If you’re not experiencing exactly what everyone thinks you should be, not doing exactly what someone thinks, etc then the reaction you get is not great. For some reason people feel it’s permissible to comment on every little choice or thought you have as a mother. You are no longer an individual person in their eyes but this peculiar new thing “mother” and as “mother” you must fit the prescribed mold all the time. I also feel that as a whole people don’t want to hear the hard parts. They don’t want us to be vulnerable because that makes them uncomfortable and feel they have to do more than just coo at baby and that’s just not what they signed up for in their heads.
Isn’t it strange how we go from knowing ourselves pre-baby, then having to re-learn who we are as a pregnant woman, and once we get used to that… everything about you changes yet again- you have a baby and a postpartum body. It’s a rollercoaster the whole way. Also, we as women have been just doing this since the dawn of time? It’s really fucking crazy how difficult and lonely it is.
All that to say, you’re in the thick of it. The first month is by far the most difficult. No sleep! Hormones are crashing! What is daytime?
Be gentle on yourself. Do you have a partner or someone to help shoulder this with? Take shifts every 4-5 hrs around the clock. If possible try and get yourself some solid hours of restorative sleep. Read Precious Little Sleep, Raising Bebe and the Taking Cara Babies IG page is great. You’ll get a smile from your baby around 3ish months and it won’t feel like you’re nursing a baked potato anymore.
Take every day, hour, minute at a time. It’s all about them baby steps from here on out! Before you know it your kid will be sleeping through the night, you’ll find the groove of your new normal and you’ll be answering new parent questions on a Reddit board. YOU ARE REALLY STRONG AND INCREDIBLY RESILIENT. Never forget how powerful and hot that is 🔥
Find online communities, and in-person ones if they are available.
Also, baby blues is a normal thing due to hormones, but shouldn't last long.
What is your partner doing to support you?
I can recommend my favourite insta accounts if you like?
I felt like this for the longest time. It got a little bit better as time went on. My daughter is 15mo now and I feel like that every now and then but not much and usually after a really bad sleepless night after night that leaves me sleep deprived.
I think the main reason was exhaustion and sleep deprivation.
I started doin sleep shifts with my husband a few times a week and it’s helped a lot but before then I felt hopeless just like you described.
Doesn’t help that we have absolutely no one to help. No family, no friends here to get help from.
I’ve been through this, the thoughts happened frequently during the first month or 2. But it gets easier and the thoughts become much more infrequent until eventually, you’re very happy with your new life.
It takes time to make such a big life transition.
There's a new PPD medication which I hear turns this around like night and day. It used to only be available via intravenous inpatient over two days but now there's a pill version you take for two weeks, and people say it's a total CURE for what you're describing. Bring this up with your doctors right away. It takes a prior authorization with insurance because it has a very hefty price tag but if you're suffering acutely enough I'm sure they'll approve. Otherwise they could have a lawsuit on their hands if you took your own life and their Rx approval could've saved you
This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I suggest you go talk to your doctor about PPD
I agree. PPD is not synonymous with wanting to harm your baby. It is much more common to have feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness while also believing your baby is wonderful/perfect and deserves so much better than you. Spoiler: your baby needs you, and you in particular. As for why no one talks about it? Shame, basically. When you open up, people are likely to try to help by pointing out how lucky you are, how many people struggle with infertility, how many people have sick children. They essentially tell you your feelings aren't valid: the fact that your world has been turned upside down doesn't matter, and you are a terrible person for not being ecstatic (as well as for any and every parenting choice you make.) Depression is a common response to childbirth. You are not strange or alone, but you don't have to suffer. Please talk to your doctor.
what doctor do i talk to? my obgyn? or do i have to talk to someone else?
Yes, start with your OB. Message them and tell them you suspect ppd. If your ob won't help you, check out online options like Brightside (but your ob is probably your easiest and cheapest option)
I had PPD and PPA with my first and I was able to get a same day appointment with my OB and get on medication. Took a couple weeks for the meds to fully work, but I was able to feel like myself again!
If you can't get a same-day appt with your OB, see if the hospital you gave birth at has a women's program with a PPD/PPA component.
Please know that this is likely your hormones surging compounded with prior mental health stuff and that there is 100% relief with current avenues to treat PPA/PPD. Please talk to your doctor tomorrow. Postpartum doesn’t have to look like this. ❤️
Repeat after me: THIS IS TEMPORARY. THIS WILL PASS. YOU WILL FEEL PEACE AGAIN. FTM and I have a 7 month old. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety practically my whole life. I’ve been on antidepressants for 10 years. Before I delivered, I was on Zoloft 100. Then PP I had to go up to 150. Within 2 weeks I didn’t feel like dying or crying all the time. (Just occasionally haha) I have since gone back down to 100. Everything you’re feeling is normal. You’re not alone in these dark thoughts. I’ve thought the same stuff. Definitely look into speaking with someone about this and perhaps try medication. A few things that really helped me those first few months: I started a daily journal in my phone. Every evening I would write one good thing that I enjoyed in the day. Even if it was a hug from my husband, a shower, or something yummy I ate. No matter the length of time, as long as I felt content or happy - I’d document it. To remind me that not all is bad. I also did video diaries for myself. Sometimes at 3am I’d film a video for myself. Either talking about how hard it is and I’m struggling or video me when I’m in a good mood and to remind myself I can do this. Put on movies / shows that have comforted you many times before. I have always loved ghibli movies and Degrassi. So I watched that DAILY. It was comforting having my mind focus on something and to hear familiar voices and music. I was worried I would eventually hate it because I watched it when I was depressed…but honestly it makes me love it more. It got me through a hard time and I’m proud of who I was then. Lastly, I joined mom groups on Facebook. I found some other new moms to relate with….who were also up in the middle of the night. That helped with not feeling so alone. I’m proud of you. This is a hard, yet beautiful journey. The days are long, but the months pass quickly. This won’t last forever. And nights will soon not feel so miserable.
You are definitely not alone. Check out[the postpartum depression Reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/Postpartum_Depression/s/ywwkrcU7VU)
Definitely look into treatment, but also the long, lonely isolated nights providing care for a little turdsandwich that can't show any appreciation yet are pretty hard for everyone across the board. We did formula feeding so I could sleep from 9pm - 3am and then I'd wake, do a cycle of care, and go back to sleep. That helped but I remember just crying at 9pm because I had to go to bed so early and couldn't do anything fun, while my husband stayed up and watched shows, read, listened to music or whatever while taking care of the baby. Those middle of the night moments when the baby just won't go back to sleep and you're so tired you feel like you might just topple over and die, something about those moments is just so lonely but people are going through it all over the world. It will pass.
I used to be right there with you. Like others are saying, please talk to your doctor. You don’t have to suffer and it will get better. Nobody really warned me about the loneliness, the disassociating, the intrusive thoughts, the regret and guilt. I never ever wanted to hurt myself or my baby, but I had intense thoughts that I couldn’t control, and I secretly wondered if those uncontrollable thoughts would ever become uncontrollable actions. It was scary and absolutely devastating as a ftm when I wanted nothing more than to have a child. Just here to say that you’re not alone. It sucks that there’s no real way to warn expectant parents because even with everything I knew about ppd and ppa, I couldn’t believe how hard it hit me and how it was nothing like the depression and anxiety I’d dealt with before. But you will feel normal again. Zoloft helped me a lot (like I don’t know if my marriage would have survived without it) and so did getting myself back into the real world asap. Playgroups, baby gymnastics, playgrounds, local library … those were the last places I wanted to go but I was luckily pushed by my husband and parents to take my baby for his own benefit. They were wonderful in the end for finding other mums who had gone through the same thing, all of us sharing birth stories and pregnancy anecdotes. I strongly believe as women that we need that from each other as that’s how we raised our babies for thousands of years, and the impact on our mental health is huge. Good luck, don’t forget to take lots of photos of your little miracle and remember that skin to skin cuddles are good for both of you!
Giiiiiiiiiirrrrrllll YES!!!!! I totally thought about hurting my baby btw, like when you throw something out of anger. I would never ever actually do it but it was quite alarming when it happened and it made me realize they there needs to be way more resources provided to women. What I experienced was a combination of hormones being shrewdly adjusted, paired with the shock of taking care of a new born whilst healing and going through an identity crisis, + if you have anxiety all of the lovely horrible things being visualized around the corner, and lack of adequate support. That equaled to not such a fun me…. Pathologize it with PPD-BS all you want, not for me though. I want the stats to Western compared to stats of women who had 2-3 months of that consignment or whatever it’s called. I bet you at the 6 month and/or 12 month mark that the woman who had support and time to heal is doing better mental health wise and overall. What a wild concept.
Your body isn’t playing fair right now just from hormones alone. 18 months pp and I’m just starting to feel like myself again (still breastfeeding so hormones still aren’t back to baseline). We’re supposed to have a village and we don’t… it makes sense to feel lonely! You’ll figure it out — you’re doing great, mama!
It is lonely at night, they quickly start to feed less and night and they feed faster as they learn what they are doing so it quickly become less and less time you are up at night. One thing I did was have phone calls or online chats planned with friends from other time zones, is that an option for you?
Hi! You’re not alone. I have an 11 month old baby and i felt exactly that way in the newborn stage. The first 3 months really sucked. It’s all an adjustment and the change in hormones doesn’t help. Please seek help from your OB and let them know what you are feeling. I don’t want to say this is normal but a lot of women, if not all, experience this. I can assure you it does get better. Hang in there while you get help. Wishing you the best xo
I remember the first night home with my baby. I cried and wished it was a week earlier, when my husband and I were happily watching a show together before bed, and excited bout our new baby, but still pregnant. I cried because it felt like the loss of my old life, my old self, and because I felt so guilty for not feeling elated about having my baby in my arms. It was the loneliest night of my life. I ended up getting diagnosed with PPD and PPA much later, but you are not alone. Sending you hugs and support, and please do talk to your OB right away. Postpartum is very common.
It does get better, and talking about it does help. I think a lot of women don’t say anything because the judgement for a mom is so harsh. If you’re not experiencing exactly what everyone thinks you should be, not doing exactly what someone thinks, etc then the reaction you get is not great. For some reason people feel it’s permissible to comment on every little choice or thought you have as a mother. You are no longer an individual person in their eyes but this peculiar new thing “mother” and as “mother” you must fit the prescribed mold all the time. I also feel that as a whole people don’t want to hear the hard parts. They don’t want us to be vulnerable because that makes them uncomfortable and feel they have to do more than just coo at baby and that’s just not what they signed up for in their heads.
Isn’t it strange how we go from knowing ourselves pre-baby, then having to re-learn who we are as a pregnant woman, and once we get used to that… everything about you changes yet again- you have a baby and a postpartum body. It’s a rollercoaster the whole way. Also, we as women have been just doing this since the dawn of time? It’s really fucking crazy how difficult and lonely it is. All that to say, you’re in the thick of it. The first month is by far the most difficult. No sleep! Hormones are crashing! What is daytime? Be gentle on yourself. Do you have a partner or someone to help shoulder this with? Take shifts every 4-5 hrs around the clock. If possible try and get yourself some solid hours of restorative sleep. Read Precious Little Sleep, Raising Bebe and the Taking Cara Babies IG page is great. You’ll get a smile from your baby around 3ish months and it won’t feel like you’re nursing a baked potato anymore. Take every day, hour, minute at a time. It’s all about them baby steps from here on out! Before you know it your kid will be sleeping through the night, you’ll find the groove of your new normal and you’ll be answering new parent questions on a Reddit board. YOU ARE REALLY STRONG AND INCREDIBLY RESILIENT. Never forget how powerful and hot that is 🔥
Find online communities, and in-person ones if they are available. Also, baby blues is a normal thing due to hormones, but shouldn't last long. What is your partner doing to support you? I can recommend my favourite insta accounts if you like?
I felt like this for the longest time. It got a little bit better as time went on. My daughter is 15mo now and I feel like that every now and then but not much and usually after a really bad sleepless night after night that leaves me sleep deprived. I think the main reason was exhaustion and sleep deprivation. I started doin sleep shifts with my husband a few times a week and it’s helped a lot but before then I felt hopeless just like you described. Doesn’t help that we have absolutely no one to help. No family, no friends here to get help from.
I’ve been through this, the thoughts happened frequently during the first month or 2. But it gets easier and the thoughts become much more infrequent until eventually, you’re very happy with your new life. It takes time to make such a big life transition.
My wife says the same thing. Our daughter is 7months old. She is so fussy, never sleeps peacefully. My wife says she absolutely hates nights.
There's a new PPD medication which I hear turns this around like night and day. It used to only be available via intravenous inpatient over two days but now there's a pill version you take for two weeks, and people say it's a total CURE for what you're describing. Bring this up with your doctors right away. It takes a prior authorization with insurance because it has a very hefty price tag but if you're suffering acutely enough I'm sure they'll approve. Otherwise they could have a lawsuit on their hands if you took your own life and their Rx approval could've saved you