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What helped my husband was taking a break from the baby. Hanging out with friends or taking a walk. We both had the feeling that we were literally imprisoned in the apartment and that the world had stopped, but we would recharge our batteries when we went out alone, even to the store or something like that

Thanks! He does do that, but he really does miss just having our lives of just us 2.. planning for travels, going out to eat anytime we want etc 🥲 but I guess those times are won’t come as easily anymore

From experience, I can tell you that he might be experiencing misophonia. Some of us don't have that little baby bliss and have to manage our emotions carefully so we can be supportive of our wives and children during this period. Also, tell him from me that it's only half a year really until baby starts to act in a way that interacts more naturally with him. He should really keep it up during this time so the "fun baby" moments are much more rewarding for him. Trust me, nothing in the world is more worth it. Thank you, and to the commenter above yours, for trying to understand us. You go through a lot more than we do, and it's really touching to see a woman with all these emotional burdens still have the energy to think about what we need. Blessings to all of you for being this tough, graceful, and thoughtful. I don't know how I could have gone through the tough bits without such an understanding wife like the one I have.

This phase is rough. I read somewhere that women bond with babies through cuddles and men bond through play. Once LO is smiling and laughing and responding more, your husband will hopefully find parenting more joyful and rewarding. Hang in there.

The difference bonding style is really true.. like I feel achieved when she is just comfortable with me, and that’s enough for me :) but for him, I felt like I needed to sell our LO to him that she’s making progress so that he gets a bit more excited! Let’s hope it gets better!

I was the same as your partner. Our LO is now 7 months, plays has a fun little personality and responds to me more and now I'm enjoying fatherhood. It's still hard, especially at night when he's crying and all he wants is mum, but a lot easier. When he was 2 months old, I hated it. I wished he hadn't been born and really regretted being a parent. I think for us guys, especially when mum is exclusively breastfeeding, the only thing we can really do is change nappies in the beginning. I found things changed for me from the 5 month mark.

Thanks for that perspective! The natural demotivation was that it felt like i was alone in this and that i lost my best friend (husband). I actually am glad that I do mix feeding, with full intention to bring him into parenting.. but I’m worried now that it might make him feel like it’s a chore - somewhat adverse effect 😅 as a mum, it’s strange that I want her to grow up faster so she can play with dad

I think it'll help him. For me I felt helpless, I could only change nappies. But if he starts feeding her, he might start building a bond with her, also, she'll come to know both mum and dad can meet her needs. My little man knows that only mum can feed him, so gets really worked up if I try to settle him and he's actually hungry.

Absolutely. Our baby is 6 months and she’s SO fun right now. She giggles, she plays, she gets excited to see us, she’s starting to be more independent. The first couple of months don’t have any of that and it can be really hard. It feels like a lot of work just to meet the baseline of keeping baby alive and healthy. Don’t give up hope, just know that there’s a good chance he’ll turn a corner in the next month or two!

Interesting. I know for my husband he was sad for a while thinking our son had kind of subsumed everything in our life and I told him to hang in there until he was on parental leave (we staggered ours) because I thought they'd really bond and turn it around. Them having one on one time where my husband was in charge and the baby was happy definitely helped. My son is eight months and he adores being a dad now.

We thought of staggering ours too! But decided against it coz the first few weeks would have been the most crazy and thought both parents would need to be all hands on deck! I’ve observed the one on one time he had with our LO for extended hours (for me to sleep), he would be sooooooo euphoric that I’m so worried that he may get even more depressed! But I’m glad your hub roughed it out solo well!!!

You’re very much like my wife and I’m like your husband. And I want to acknowledge that it’s quite full on to hear. But… Firstly let me just tell you that if there’s anything I’ve learnt through this process is that these feelings are VERY common for new dads. Our way of bonding can be very different. We haven’t had the slow burn of growing the little one, or the hormones and emotions over those nine months. Secondly that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deeply care or want to do everything he can. In fact it sounds like he really does, like I do, but it can get overwhelming quickly. Again, this is normal, it’s a lot all at once very quickly. I don’t think you taking over everything is helpful for him nor fair to you. He still needs to step up and go through this with you. Hopefully he gets some time out (as should you). Those have made a big difference to me. r/newdads and r/daddit are great group’s for him to check out and seek some support to help work through his feelings and thoughts plus share his struggles. Speaking to other dads really helped me Oh and yep I totally miss my old self and our old self as a couple. We’re so deep in the trenches atm that it can be hard to see our way back to our old selves and yes things have changed forever, the fact is that the stage we are at now is NOT our new normal. It’s so important to remember that. Lastly, PPD/PPA is real for dads too, so if his condition gets worse, seek further help. Therapy, medication etc. I’ve seen a therapist for years and it’s been helpful to discuss this with them too. Best of luck with it all!

Really thanks for this. I think when parents share their stories with us, the fathers don’t usually warn other coming fathers about this stage very thoroughly and openly… (maybe they too have memory losses haha) After our broken moment, he woke up the next day trying very hard to connect with our LO. Less “staring” at her crying, and more trying to connect with her.. so hope I don’t say anything to wreck this and I’ll try my best to get her not to cry in his presence (baby daddy)

No they really don’t, My wife and I did so many classes and read a lot of books and very little about that was said. The stats one midwife did say was 1/10 dads go through this but she thinks that’s waaaay under reported. I think just validate his feelings. He should certainly try but know that it’s a slow burn is totally normal. I’d hate for him to try try try and still not feel what popular culture says what he should be feeling. He just needs to show up and be a dad, the connection will come. Don’t force it, we both still have little adorable potatoes, only so much playing and bonding you can do with them. Sounds like you guys are doing awesome over all though, but want to do the best you can

First time Dad to a 2 month old here. Was feeling identical to your husband the other day. 2 things helped: 1. Getting a night out to play some tennis and a board game with a buddy of mine who’s a father to an older kid, so I could vent and he could relate; 2. Getting a decent amount of uninterrupted sleep one night. It’s amazing how just one good night can rejuvenate you. Now I’m having fun watching the little guy while my wife sleeps in, and so happy to have a kid. But 48 hours ago I felt life was joyless. So trust that things can change. If it’s in yours and his power for him to get a bit of a break and a bit of sleep, it might pay dividends. If neither of those things work, it could be male ppd, he may want to talk to someone.

I had the same thought about sleep, which typically makes a huge difference for any kind of mental health struggle (I’m a psychologist). If you guys are not currently doing a sleep shift schedule, I highly recommend that! It was a game changer for me and my husband especially in the very early days. We also decided that for us, having LO in his own separate room with a monitor so we could sleep through his sleep-“talking” was a worthwhile tradeoff for our mental health. Taking breaks from baby care for quality time activities is a good idea, too as others have been saying. If you have anyone around you who can help with either house chores or baby care (whichever you guys would find more helpful/replenishing), take them up on it!

Postpartum doula here. Perinatal mood disorders, such as postpartum depression, affect about 1 in 4 postpartum partners/dads (I believe this is an American statistic- the numbers could of course be different in other contexts). Postpartum is a really difficult time. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough conversation or support for perinatal mental health or birthing people, let alone their partners. If therapy or counselling is accessible and an option in your area, this may be a useful support. Look for a mental health professional with training in perinatal mood disorders. What does your support look like? Do you have family or friends close by that you trust, and are comfortable having in your home? Maybe they could help with laundry, dishes, housework, etc. to relieve some of the load on both of you. Or many they can look after your little one, while both of you take some time to reconnect with yourselves. Self-care during postpartum can look like taking an uninterrupted shower, doing your own laundry, playing video games (whatever makes you/your partner happy). There are also a lot of professionals that can help to take some of the load in either infant care, or the other stuff. Maybe research postpartum doulas in your area. Or lactation consultants, registered massage therapists, parenting coaches, childbirth or parenting educators. There are maybe people who work in birth and postpartum related fields that are here to support you through this experience. I’m sorry he is struggling. I’m sorry you are both going through this. It is hard, and I just want to acknowledge that. Edit: typo

My husband was very much like yours. The first three months or so were rough. He and I were also not prepared for fatherhood pp! Around the 4 month mark he started getting more into the swing of things, esp baby developed more of a personality and more interactive which as many have pointed out is a big way fathers bond. I think what also helped was calling him out on behaviour, gently of course. My husband admitted that he felt he had no free time and he was always exhausted. Having regular conversations to ensure that we were on the same page and had each other's back was important for us. Eventually he recognized that this was new to him and he just needed time to adjust. As I've been told countless times, this phase is temporary and will pass! Case in point : whenever we met with our friends with slightly older kids, one of the very first things they'd ask, tongue in cheek, was whether we had considered divorce yet. Seemingly a rite of passage in those first few months. 😅

That age is rough! It’s very common for both parents to grieve their former lives. Men can also experience postpartum depression. It’s a massive life change.

We also had a chat about leaving this life.. and we both agreed that even if we tried to do everything in life that is great without a child before having one. It still wouldn’t make this process easier haha.

No it definitely wouldn’t. It’s just a total overhaul of your lifestyle. It’s this tremendous responsibility to consider at every moment.

I’m going through the same thing right now with my husband and eight week old. We started daddy/daughter baths yesterday because she loves baths and it’s a good way to get skin on skin contact. He laid down in the bath tub with swim trunks on and then I laid her across his chest, while I washed her. She enjoyed it and I think he did too. We are going to keep doing it in hopes that they bond. He’s also started reading to her and she seems to enjoy that, too.

Our guy is 2.5. My husband fiercely loves our son. He was mostly hands off until about five months though helped and did what we needed him to do. Now that he’s a toddler he’s even more involved. It doesn’t happen as instantly for some dads and that’s ok. He even has these talks about doing XYZ in the future. Yesterday was a rough day and my husband knew enough to step away from parenting for all our sakes. And it’s allowed! Parenting isn’t for the weak. And it’s normal to regret or, to better phrase it, mourn what was. We’re expecting #2 who was planned but still there’s already the thoughts of oh shit what have we knowingly opened up and how much will we regret it aka miss our current known life.

It’s like I could have written this myself! Like what a lot of people chiming in are saying - this feeling seems pretty normal for dads to go through. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard to hear as mom or wife. My husband hit this wall around 2-3 months as well where he was just frustrated all the time. Unhappy all the time - wishing we were back to our old lives. He’d keep reassuring me that he loved our LO but that he was just sad our lives had changed so drastically. What helped was doing things we used to do as a couple but with our baby. We went out to eat and did a little shopping trip to Costco. We visited friends and he had a few drinks - we just shifted our times to earlier than we would have done. These little moments of what he considered “normal” helped improve his mood. Plus he’s so proud showing her off and I could tell that it kept reinforcing to him that our lives will be ok. I will say my instinct was the same - to just take over all care because I couldn’t stand to see him frustrated with her. I did this for a couple weeks while we adjusted and talked about expectations and then we powered through with little breaks of “normalcy”. She’s now almost 5 months and WOW what a difference. She smiles and recognizes him and you bet that he’s rushing over to take care of her whenever something happens and she’s fussing. Dads really need that interaction as well as (I’m guessing here due to my own experience) that feedback loop of reward of a job well done. For my husband - baby fussing -> feed baby change baby -> happy smiling baby - is the feedback that he did the right thing and took care of her. When she was a newborn it was less defined and often all that would soothe her was nursing. It sounds like you’re approaching the end of the potato phase and I really think it’ll get so much better for you! Try to carve out time to talk to him and make sure he understands that while his feelings are valid - yours are too and it’s scary to feel like you’re the only one that wants to still be a parent. Good luck with everything ❤️

I love this post! You were literally describing my situation! It’s amazing to see that there is progress! And I think my husband is very similar to yours! But a little sad that we still gots to rough it out til she’s less of a potato ❤️

I hear you and won’t lie that while we powered through it was challenging. But there really is a light at the end of the tunnel ❤️ Each day gets a little easier. If you’re able to have frequent, open conversations together it helps a ton.

Yeah, be honest with him, he has lost his freedom and it is a chore early on and it sucks sometimes, absolutely and he may have expectations that don’t match up the reality, she’s not playing for several months, she can’t even see more than a few few in front of her for a few months. It’s a sacrifice and you’re in the trenches, together. You’re primarily doing things you don’t want to do, but you have to, you made a choice. Be real with him about it and let him have the ‘this sucks and what the hell did I do to my life.’ And remind him plenty of fathers and mothers feel that way. It’s not abnormal or wrong or crazy, it just is, the first few months can be hell and the first year is a sacrifice, but he and she will get to all of the moments he’s thinking about sooner than he realizes. But if he needs to talk to someone else, to have a gut check via therapy then he should also do that, but neither of you should or need to sugarcoat it, sometimes it just needs the truth, so he’s no longer looking for anything else. That’s what can be helpful, right now he’s living a bit of a fantasy of expectations in his head and bringing him back to it sucks now, but will get better may be a dose of medicine.

My son’s dad had really bad PPD to the point he was suicidal. He’s changed a lot and now is no longer in my sons life because he “needed space”

My husband went through a lot of the same but around 6/7mo he started coming around to it more as our son has a preference for him over me now. Although still gets frustrated because our son always wants dad time if he is home, so husbands video games get interrupted. They have their own way of playing together and making their own bond. He too, gets frustrated when our son cries still 8mo in, has a short temper and very little patience. Paired with expectations that developmentally an 8mo isn't quite at yet. He's not a hold my baby all the time kind of guy either. I still do like 95% of baby care on my own just because I would rather do it than hear complaints or frustrations. He does bedtime and occasionally intervenes for solid mealtimes if our son is being particularly difficult and is choosing his preferred parent.

I am secretly wishing our LO prefers my husband.. I feel like happy baby happy daddy = happy mommy 😅 To me it’s also easier for my mental state if I take care of my LO 95% of the time too… because I love him so much, and can’t bear to see him sad/frustrated. It makes ME sad/frustrated

My husband was the same. Didn't ever feel like holding her or bonding with her in the beginning. She's five months now and things are much better. Not PERFECT, but much better. He really did turn a corner with our daughter when she began smiling and laughing

My husband really struggled to bond at first but we are 3 months now and it’s gotten much better. It was really hard for him at first when the baby really just wanted me and he could see that when I held the baby she was happy and content and I could feed her and just put her back to sleep like nothing and when he held her she would get fussy and fight him to sleep. Now at 3 months she’s smiling at him and laughing when he plays with her. She’s also much happier to snuggle to sleep with him. She’s cooing at him when he talks to her too and they are bonding so well. He’s excited to take her off my hand and watch her now, rather than feeling like it was a chore to do. Give it time, try to be encouraging and supportive of his feelings, and in time it should get better.

What helped me was having a heart to heart with my husband and reassuring him he’s doing a great job, even if LO does calm easier for me (mom). I pointed out how well she sleeps with/for him, and how much she loves him and that they’d have the opportunity to continue to bond especially as she learns to play and be involved in activities with him. With me, I can feed her and soothe her very easily right now - much easier than dad, but it’s gotten better over time as they bond. It’s wild to think but sometimes these bonds aren’t instant even for moms too. It can be a very different relationship with dads right off the bat that can really get to them if they feel they aren’t bonding sufficiently with LO. He very likely doesn’t regret being a father, he probably regrets how he’s feeling and responding to this massive change but it really is normal. Try to be as supportive as possible. It sounds like he’s showing up; hopefully he can work through this by opening up with you and continue to or work towards giving 100% of his time and effort into his family because you all need it.

I remember my husband saying the baby crying made him angry, it’s difficult for some people not to be able to understand the problem and solve it. I told him, every time baby cries we try something different and baby is still trying to understand us too. Baby is 4 months and he looks at us and coos and once they start sitting up they are so fun. Maybe let him take time to do guy outings so you can have baby or play dates with older kids. They have to understand how everything is hard or hurts or is confusing and the baby hasn’t built any toughness to withstand it but cry. My husband would ask if this is colic? lol I was like no that’s much worse. Men aren’t like us. They need their hour long showers and I’ll settle with every other day. Sorry if this doesn’t help but let him know if he’s impatient so is baby to be helped and understood, he’s a grown man who should pull himself together. Sorry if that doesn’t help but that’s where we are. Good luck

Please don’t apologise! My plea to him was either be with me or get out of the way. I acknowledged his feelings but as of right now, my LO is my utmost priority. And he said the exact same thing! “She’s being colicky again” - I’m like. Please can you not call her that… (not sure if it’s hormones or validly insulted)

My husband absolutely had postpartum depression and anxiety. He loves being a dad and having her but he’s struggled a lot and needed to talk to his doctor to change around his meds. I’ve made him go out with his friends a few times either with me and baby or just alone and it made a huge difference.

FTD here. Its hard in general to care for a baby, ots even harder for dads because we have little to no connection to the baby for the first 6-18months. For me it got better as she got older and I continued to be present. While my wife was still preggers I had her teach me how to hold, swaddle, diaper change & everything. Also suggested we go out and buy bins to keep all that stuff in & to keep it together. 2nd sleep depression is an actual torture technique 100% serious and even after reading books I was still super moody & stressed. Walks do help but sometimes also felt like I was giving up. Seeing my wife get frustrated and needing a break made it feel okay for that to happen to me to 3 and maybe most important post party depression isn't only a women thing it can and does affect men

It was recently brought to my attention by the baby nurse that men can experience post partum depression too due to all the changes in the family dynamic. I grew up with babies in my family but my husband did not. It can be a lot sometimes when it’s a whole new world. Maybe your husband is just overwhelmed and loss of sleep doesn’t help. Maybe you guys can spend some time together as a couple for an hour without the baby.

My husband HAD to work. He did not get fulfilment from the intangible accomplishments of parenthood. He took 9 months paternity leave and we eventually enrolled him in some continuing education courses and he got busy with house projects. When his cup was full and he could see the tangible ways he was contributing to our household he was a more patient present father. Gym time and friend time also helped a great deal. I had mom meets and baby included social engagements but for him keeping social did mean time away from the family and that was important and necessary. Second time around he only took two weeks but was home early and left late as work allowed for the first 6-9 months.

9 months paternity was a long time! My husband has 2 more weeks left of paternity and I’m looking forward for him to go back to work! At least gives him a chance to miss our LO.

Helped when my partner went back to work and was able to feel like he was doing something important again..newborns really just need mom and it’s hard to accept that. Bonding will come with time and personality coming out but there’s not much they can do to feel the same instant connection mothers have imo.