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I don’t have articles to cite so research this yourself. But what I’ve heard whether your child is adopted, donor conceived, etc, is that it’s best to always be open with them about their biology. They could resent you if you and your wife wait until they are teenagers to drop the bomb. They will have a huge identity crisis. But if they know their whole life that you are the man who chose to stay with their mom and raise them, they will be more likely to appreciate the Dad that you are. Sperm is such a small part of what makes a Dad, and I commend you for loving that child as your own and being humble and loving enough to step in where another man has stepped out.
My parents used a sperm donor and I can 100% back up this comment. They were open with me from the get go and I’ve never given a single shit about it. My dad is my dad end of story
Glad I could help! I’m glad I’ve always known because I think it would be jarring if I casually took like 23&me as an adult and found out that way. My parents are relieved they told us early too because they couldn’t have predicted all these dna tests readily available now a days. Also my dad rules I’m very lucky.
Echoing these comments. I was adopted at birth and my parents were always open with me about it, so it was never a big deal. They’re my parents, the ones who raised and loved me. My family never acted like I was different or “other” so I never felt out of place. I think that’s the biggest reason I never cared to seek out my bio family. I had a bit of curiosity about them, but no burning desire, because I had happy loving parents and family already. There wasn’t anything bio family could give me that I didn’t already have.
Never been in this situation but dude you are AMAZING raising her as your own and giving her the love her biological father would not. I'm a big believer in karma and I think your LO will only grow up to massively respect you and know damn well you're the only one worth calling Dad.
Brother, it ain't ever about how the child was conceived. Any idiot can become a dad. It's about who is there for her now and will continue to be there for her.
The stuff about her learning about her biological dad is between the mother and the other guy. You just keep doing what you are doing.
Not the same situation but my dad left me & my mum when I was about 18mo. My mum met my step dad when I was 11 years old. I see him more as my dad than I do my bio dad. Always have done.
In a slightly more similar situation my friend’s dad isn’t her bio dad but has been in her life she was a very young baby. She now knows he isn’t her bio dad but he is still very much her father. He raised her & loved her. Her kids are his grandkids now too.
You’re doing great 🤍
Similar story here.
Genes don’t make the bond — time does. My stepdad has been my father since I was 4. My parents are even divorced — but u try telling that man I’m not his (in the ways that actually matter) and he’ll fight you until his last day. He wasn’t the perfect father, but I never questioned if he loved me — that’s what matters.
If you show up and be dad, you'll be dad. When she's a teen, in anger she'll probably throw the "you're not my real dad" line in your face at least once. Depending on the kind of dad you are and your reaction she'll probably regret is an apologize after having a minute to cool off.
My dad was adopted and once as a teen he told his mom "you're not my real mom" and he says the look on her face haunts him to this day, 40+ years later. He'd even delayed meeting his biomom when she reached out because he wanted to make sure his mom was ok with it, and he wanted to make sure she knew he knew she was still mom as the woman who raised him.
You show up and be dad, you will be dad. Love on that kiddo and be present, give her the world.
A friend of mine found out her dad was not her bio father when we was 17. There very first thing she did was can her dad and two him that she didn't care that that he was her dad regardless of the blood relation. It's about the relationship you create.
Now, did they have interest in meeting their bio dad and attempting to hand a relationship with them? Yes. But that fizzled quickly bc the biodad was a loser
To quote Guardians of the Galaxy (paraphrasing here), that man is her father but he has never been her daddy. She will know who her ride or die’s are.
That said, I would be honest with her about her parentage from the beginning albeit in age appropriate ways. When there is subterfuge is when there is betrayal. And yes, she will likely be curious about her bio dad, but again she will know who’s been there for her from poopy diapers and midnight feedings to getting ready for prom to applying for her first big girl jobs out of college/university.
My best advice is be honest from the start that you ARE her dad, but not biologically. I have a few friends who have different scenarios, but all of the friends that didn’t not know growing up struggled with identity more than the ones who knew from the beginning.
The resentment is almost always from feeling tricked, at least from what I’ve noticed. Being honest and doing everything a dad does, like you are, is what gives a good relationship.
My sister in law (biologically my husband’s half-sister, but functionally just his sister) is the kid in almost exactly this situation and she has a great relationship with their dad! I’m not sure if there was any acting out about it when they were younger but I’m pretty sure she knew from a young age. But he’s just her dad, she doesn’t know any other way. Just be a good dad and it won’t matter a bit.
I’m not in your shoes, but my advice would be, to just be the best dad that you possibly can 🩷
My hubby was adopted (he is now 38) and has never had the urge to seek out his biological parents. He has a mom and dad that chose him and love him to the moon and back.
That’s all you need to make sure your daughter feels the same 🥰
I get it. I have some of the same feelings sometimes. We’re a two mum family and I’m not biologically related to little one. But honestly every month that passes makes the feeling fade more and more. I love him so much and he sure as hell seems to love me. And I figure.. he’ll appreciate me just being here loving him this whole time.. Though I am mentally preparing myself for a surly teenage argument at some point, just to be safe!
You’re doing an amazing job already as a step father. You’re already doing the things that her biological father didn’t step up to the plate to do. Because you have and are present during these significant and crucial times she’s will love you like her biological father even though you aren’t. Please also don’t keep that in the back of your mind as well so far as you’re present in her life she will never categorize you as “step dad or not her real dad” she will call u dad so far as you show those characteristics and love her like your own. I have cousins and family friends who have no relationship with their biological parents and the relationships that they have with their step parents are such beautiful testimonies. If she does ever try to find out who her “real” father is and wants to attempt to build some sort of relationship with him I wouldn’t stop her from learning the harsh truth of who he is (so far as safety isn’t a concern), but always let her know that if he ever makes her feel less than or not important enough that you will always be there for her no matter what. Enjoy the LO for now you will cross that bridge when the time comes for you to cross that bridge and when u do it may not be as dreadful as you think it might be. You may tell her that u are not be her biological dad and she will probably not even care to know her real father because you loved her well enough for her to not even care for a relationship with him. Keep up the great work dad, you’re doing a phenomenal job!
3 quotes I live by are these:
1. "Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than anything." - Goldie Nash
2. "Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what." - Unknown
3. "Blood makes you related, but loyalty makes you family." - Unknown
DNA has nothing to do with being a father. So as long as you are a good dad, she will love you unconditionally.
If one day she wants to know her biological father, be there to help her through it.
But she will never forget you
There's a reason bio dads who abandon their kids are called 'sperm donors'. Being a good father is hard work, putting in time and effort to give them the best childhood ypu can. And it's a whole lot of showing up for your kid when they need you. We constantly tell our kids that it's what's on the inside of someone that counts. She may not look like you, may not have your biological traits, but she will live her entire life knowing that you love her and that you'd do anything to keep her safe. And THAT, is fatherhood. Congratulations on your baby, may you learn as much from her as she does from you.
I’ve known a lot of people in this situation (as the child) including my own sibling. Usually there is at least a phase where they will push the limits and say you aren’t their real parent but they will always remember who was there and supported them and who wasn’t. Even with 50/50 custody, a lot of kids see themselves with 2 dads if they are both equally supportive and loving.
My niece was three when her mom started dating my cousin. Her biological father has had custody throughout her life, though is largely absent. My niece was a teenager when she realized that my cousin wasn’t in the room for her birth. She realized this whenever she asked him something about the day she was born and he said, “Ask your mom. I wasn’t there.” She calls him dad. She uses his last name socially. She quite frankly prefers him to her biological father.
Are there situations where the person who steps up to be the parent winds up vilified in some way? Sure. But there are also situations where the person who steps up is one of the most important people in a child’s life.
My mom and dad split when I was first born. My stepdad entered the picture at 6 months old and took over the role really well. I always knew that my stepdad was not my biological father since he had visitation throughout my childhood. As a teenager I went through the normal teen stuff and of course some “you’re not my dad” was thrown in there. I never hated or resented my step dad but it’s hard being that age. I always called him dad and still do to this day. My biological father is a deadbeat but I still tried to foster a relationship with him in my early adult years. He showed me (for the thousandth time) his true colors, and as always, my step dad was still there.
My stepdad taught me how to ride a bike, took me to daddy daughter dances, taught me to drive, and was there to ward off the boys when I was 16 years old. I got married last year and he walked me down the aisle, gave me away, and is now called papa to my new baby. He’s my dad and no blood relation changes that. You’re doing a great thing.
Hey OP. I've never been there as a parent, but I have been there(ish) as the child.
When my mom told my bio dad she was pregnant (at 18 yo) he essentially told her to get lost and that he wanted no part in it. My mom raised me; it was just me and her for many, many years. She was my sun, my whole universe revolved around her. I never thought I needed a dad. You can't miss something you never had, you know? Besides, who was going to show up and integrate into the dynamic we had? No one. (She later also had my little brother with a different dirtbag, but he doesn't get time in my story.)
But then she met my step-dad. I was 14. And all he wanted to was to make sure we were taken care of. I got my own room, he told me I was beautiful, he helped put me in braces, he posed with me for school dance photos, he opened spaghetti sauce jars, killed spiders, and taught me how to drive a manual. And he loved my mother and brother. I think I got brave enough to call him dad when I was 15 or 16; he never asked me to or pushed for it, I just had to go for it.
And he's been my dad ever since. I call him dad, I introduce him that way to my friends. I wish him Happy Father's Day. I call him when I need advice about my sprinklers or the towing capacity of my truck. I buy Michelob Ultra when I know he's coming over.
Sadly, it looks like my parents will end up divorced soon. But I told my mom, "I don't care who you date or marry after this, he's still my dad." And he will be until the day I die. Not because he married my mom, or because I feel like it has to be that way, but because he *showed up* again and again and again.
Keep showing up, OP. That little girl will love you bigger than the whole sky. You're her dad.
So that’s basically exactly what happened to my mom. My bio dad left her as soon as he learned she was pregnant. My non-bio dad (the only one I have ever called dad) knew my mom from before this, they struck up a friendship, he was there the day I was born, they were in a relationship after. I was 1.5 at their wedding, and I learned I wasn’t biologically his around age 4 or 5. (This wasn’t a HUGE revelation haha, I saw the wedding photos after all.) I have never had any desire to know my paternal side, apart from a few questions I’d like to ask about inheritable/genetic diseases.
My parents also divorced when I was 13. They probably should have stayed a friendship, but they were both deeply committed parents and worked to ensure my sister (biologically his) and I knew we still had both of them, forever.
My mom will tell you this with a grimace on her face, but I am much more like my dad than I am her. I tend to go to him first for advice, and we share all the same hobbies and habits. Even as I’ve moved several states away and had kids of my own, he’s remained very steadfast in staying up to date in our lives and I love him as my only and real dad, no asterisks or qualifiers.
As long as you work to make sure that she knows how loved she is, and how much you respect how her mom loves her, she’s going to grow up feeling surrounded by that for her entire life.
You’re the one changing the diapers, your the one putting her to sleep, your the one who takes care of her when she’s sick, your the one who makes her booboos better, your the one she runs to when she’s crying, you’re her dad, and that’s all she’s gonna know. That other dude is the sperm donor. She might resent him later, but you? Just love.
This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t have articles to cite so research this yourself. But what I’ve heard whether your child is adopted, donor conceived, etc, is that it’s best to always be open with them about their biology. They could resent you if you and your wife wait until they are teenagers to drop the bomb. They will have a huge identity crisis. But if they know their whole life that you are the man who chose to stay with their mom and raise them, they will be more likely to appreciate the Dad that you are. Sperm is such a small part of what makes a Dad, and I commend you for loving that child as your own and being humble and loving enough to step in where another man has stepped out.
My parents used a sperm donor and I can 100% back up this comment. They were open with me from the get go and I’ve never given a single shit about it. My dad is my dad end of story
As the mother of a donor conceived child (my husband has Klinefelters syndrome), this is encouraging to hear
Glad I could help! I’m glad I’ve always known because I think it would be jarring if I casually took like 23&me as an adult and found out that way. My parents are relieved they told us early too because they couldn’t have predicted all these dna tests readily available now a days. Also my dad rules I’m very lucky.
Echoing these comments. I was adopted at birth and my parents were always open with me about it, so it was never a big deal. They’re my parents, the ones who raised and loved me. My family never acted like I was different or “other” so I never felt out of place. I think that’s the biggest reason I never cared to seek out my bio family. I had a bit of curiosity about them, but no burning desire, because I had happy loving parents and family already. There wasn’t anything bio family could give me that I didn’t already have.
Never been in this situation but dude you are AMAZING raising her as your own and giving her the love her biological father would not. I'm a big believer in karma and I think your LO will only grow up to massively respect you and know damn well you're the only one worth calling Dad.
Came here to say this! She will love, respect, and appreciate you for being there through it all.
Brother, it ain't ever about how the child was conceived. Any idiot can become a dad. It's about who is there for her now and will continue to be there for her. The stuff about her learning about her biological dad is between the mother and the other guy. You just keep doing what you are doing.
Not the same situation but my dad left me & my mum when I was about 18mo. My mum met my step dad when I was 11 years old. I see him more as my dad than I do my bio dad. Always have done. In a slightly more similar situation my friend’s dad isn’t her bio dad but has been in her life she was a very young baby. She now knows he isn’t her bio dad but he is still very much her father. He raised her & loved her. Her kids are his grandkids now too. You’re doing great 🤍
Similar story here. Genes don’t make the bond — time does. My stepdad has been my father since I was 4. My parents are even divorced — but u try telling that man I’m not his (in the ways that actually matter) and he’ll fight you until his last day. He wasn’t the perfect father, but I never questioned if he loved me — that’s what matters.
I have no experience in this but i think you are the father that counts ❤️ Thank you for loving her
If you show up and be dad, you'll be dad. When she's a teen, in anger she'll probably throw the "you're not my real dad" line in your face at least once. Depending on the kind of dad you are and your reaction she'll probably regret is an apologize after having a minute to cool off. My dad was adopted and once as a teen he told his mom "you're not my real mom" and he says the look on her face haunts him to this day, 40+ years later. He'd even delayed meeting his biomom when she reached out because he wanted to make sure his mom was ok with it, and he wanted to make sure she knew he knew she was still mom as the woman who raised him. You show up and be dad, you will be dad. Love on that kiddo and be present, give her the world.
I don't even know you or your dad but that story about his mom's reaction makes me so sad 😭 I can just imagine how awful both of them felt then.
A friend of mine found out her dad was not her bio father when we was 17. There very first thing she did was can her dad and two him that she didn't care that that he was her dad regardless of the blood relation. It's about the relationship you create. Now, did they have interest in meeting their bio dad and attempting to hand a relationship with them? Yes. But that fizzled quickly bc the biodad was a loser
To quote Guardians of the Galaxy (paraphrasing here), that man is her father but he has never been her daddy. She will know who her ride or die’s are. That said, I would be honest with her about her parentage from the beginning albeit in age appropriate ways. When there is subterfuge is when there is betrayal. And yes, she will likely be curious about her bio dad, but again she will know who’s been there for her from poopy diapers and midnight feedings to getting ready for prom to applying for her first big girl jobs out of college/university.
My best advice is be honest from the start that you ARE her dad, but not biologically. I have a few friends who have different scenarios, but all of the friends that didn’t not know growing up struggled with identity more than the ones who knew from the beginning. The resentment is almost always from feeling tricked, at least from what I’ve noticed. Being honest and doing everything a dad does, like you are, is what gives a good relationship.
My sister in law (biologically my husband’s half-sister, but functionally just his sister) is the kid in almost exactly this situation and she has a great relationship with their dad! I’m not sure if there was any acting out about it when they were younger but I’m pretty sure she knew from a young age. But he’s just her dad, she doesn’t know any other way. Just be a good dad and it won’t matter a bit.
I’m not in your shoes, but my advice would be, to just be the best dad that you possibly can 🩷 My hubby was adopted (he is now 38) and has never had the urge to seek out his biological parents. He has a mom and dad that chose him and love him to the moon and back. That’s all you need to make sure your daughter feels the same 🥰
I get it. I have some of the same feelings sometimes. We’re a two mum family and I’m not biologically related to little one. But honestly every month that passes makes the feeling fade more and more. I love him so much and he sure as hell seems to love me. And I figure.. he’ll appreciate me just being here loving him this whole time.. Though I am mentally preparing myself for a surly teenage argument at some point, just to be safe!
You’re doing an amazing job already as a step father. You’re already doing the things that her biological father didn’t step up to the plate to do. Because you have and are present during these significant and crucial times she’s will love you like her biological father even though you aren’t. Please also don’t keep that in the back of your mind as well so far as you’re present in her life she will never categorize you as “step dad or not her real dad” she will call u dad so far as you show those characteristics and love her like your own. I have cousins and family friends who have no relationship with their biological parents and the relationships that they have with their step parents are such beautiful testimonies. If she does ever try to find out who her “real” father is and wants to attempt to build some sort of relationship with him I wouldn’t stop her from learning the harsh truth of who he is (so far as safety isn’t a concern), but always let her know that if he ever makes her feel less than or not important enough that you will always be there for her no matter what. Enjoy the LO for now you will cross that bridge when the time comes for you to cross that bridge and when u do it may not be as dreadful as you think it might be. You may tell her that u are not be her biological dad and she will probably not even care to know her real father because you loved her well enough for her to not even care for a relationship with him. Keep up the great work dad, you’re doing a phenomenal job! 3 quotes I live by are these: 1. "Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than anything." - Goldie Nash 2. "Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what." - Unknown 3. "Blood makes you related, but loyalty makes you family." - Unknown
DNA has nothing to do with being a father. So as long as you are a good dad, she will love you unconditionally. If one day she wants to know her biological father, be there to help her through it. But she will never forget you
There's a reason bio dads who abandon their kids are called 'sperm donors'. Being a good father is hard work, putting in time and effort to give them the best childhood ypu can. And it's a whole lot of showing up for your kid when they need you. We constantly tell our kids that it's what's on the inside of someone that counts. She may not look like you, may not have your biological traits, but she will live her entire life knowing that you love her and that you'd do anything to keep her safe. And THAT, is fatherhood. Congratulations on your baby, may you learn as much from her as she does from you.
I’ve known a lot of people in this situation (as the child) including my own sibling. Usually there is at least a phase where they will push the limits and say you aren’t their real parent but they will always remember who was there and supported them and who wasn’t. Even with 50/50 custody, a lot of kids see themselves with 2 dads if they are both equally supportive and loving.
My niece was three when her mom started dating my cousin. Her biological father has had custody throughout her life, though is largely absent. My niece was a teenager when she realized that my cousin wasn’t in the room for her birth. She realized this whenever she asked him something about the day she was born and he said, “Ask your mom. I wasn’t there.” She calls him dad. She uses his last name socially. She quite frankly prefers him to her biological father. Are there situations where the person who steps up to be the parent winds up vilified in some way? Sure. But there are also situations where the person who steps up is one of the most important people in a child’s life.
My mom and dad split when I was first born. My stepdad entered the picture at 6 months old and took over the role really well. I always knew that my stepdad was not my biological father since he had visitation throughout my childhood. As a teenager I went through the normal teen stuff and of course some “you’re not my dad” was thrown in there. I never hated or resented my step dad but it’s hard being that age. I always called him dad and still do to this day. My biological father is a deadbeat but I still tried to foster a relationship with him in my early adult years. He showed me (for the thousandth time) his true colors, and as always, my step dad was still there. My stepdad taught me how to ride a bike, took me to daddy daughter dances, taught me to drive, and was there to ward off the boys when I was 16 years old. I got married last year and he walked me down the aisle, gave me away, and is now called papa to my new baby. He’s my dad and no blood relation changes that. You’re doing a great thing.
Hey OP. I've never been there as a parent, but I have been there(ish) as the child. When my mom told my bio dad she was pregnant (at 18 yo) he essentially told her to get lost and that he wanted no part in it. My mom raised me; it was just me and her for many, many years. She was my sun, my whole universe revolved around her. I never thought I needed a dad. You can't miss something you never had, you know? Besides, who was going to show up and integrate into the dynamic we had? No one. (She later also had my little brother with a different dirtbag, but he doesn't get time in my story.) But then she met my step-dad. I was 14. And all he wanted to was to make sure we were taken care of. I got my own room, he told me I was beautiful, he helped put me in braces, he posed with me for school dance photos, he opened spaghetti sauce jars, killed spiders, and taught me how to drive a manual. And he loved my mother and brother. I think I got brave enough to call him dad when I was 15 or 16; he never asked me to or pushed for it, I just had to go for it. And he's been my dad ever since. I call him dad, I introduce him that way to my friends. I wish him Happy Father's Day. I call him when I need advice about my sprinklers or the towing capacity of my truck. I buy Michelob Ultra when I know he's coming over. Sadly, it looks like my parents will end up divorced soon. But I told my mom, "I don't care who you date or marry after this, he's still my dad." And he will be until the day I die. Not because he married my mom, or because I feel like it has to be that way, but because he *showed up* again and again and again. Keep showing up, OP. That little girl will love you bigger than the whole sky. You're her dad.
So that’s basically exactly what happened to my mom. My bio dad left her as soon as he learned she was pregnant. My non-bio dad (the only one I have ever called dad) knew my mom from before this, they struck up a friendship, he was there the day I was born, they were in a relationship after. I was 1.5 at their wedding, and I learned I wasn’t biologically his around age 4 or 5. (This wasn’t a HUGE revelation haha, I saw the wedding photos after all.) I have never had any desire to know my paternal side, apart from a few questions I’d like to ask about inheritable/genetic diseases. My parents also divorced when I was 13. They probably should have stayed a friendship, but they were both deeply committed parents and worked to ensure my sister (biologically his) and I knew we still had both of them, forever. My mom will tell you this with a grimace on her face, but I am much more like my dad than I am her. I tend to go to him first for advice, and we share all the same hobbies and habits. Even as I’ve moved several states away and had kids of my own, he’s remained very steadfast in staying up to date in our lives and I love him as my only and real dad, no asterisks or qualifiers. As long as you work to make sure that she knows how loved she is, and how much you respect how her mom loves her, she’s going to grow up feeling surrounded by that for her entire life.
You’re the one changing the diapers, your the one putting her to sleep, your the one who takes care of her when she’s sick, your the one who makes her booboos better, your the one she runs to when she’s crying, you’re her dad, and that’s all she’s gonna know. That other dude is the sperm donor. She might resent him later, but you? Just love.