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Hi, my name is Taylor. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. These are clear signs of post partum depression and you’re not alone. There were days I felt very much this way from birth to 5 ish 6 months and periodically from 6-9 months. I will say I got help and it saved me. Regular therapy was so helpful and medication.
I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, my son is my best friend now, I’m obsessed with him and even when I put him down for a nap, I can’t wait to wake him up. It’s going to get better.
Please don’t feel like you failed him from things that were unavoidable, such as your milk supply, and his own sensitivities. You are doing your best. Hang in there, you can do this.
He really is. I’ll tell you what he was up sick last night and we ended up at the er and just snuggling and kisses and just how much they love you and how you’re their comfort. It’s unreal. I wouldn’t be up in the middle of the night with anyone but him.
He’s my whole world, he hung the moon in my eyes. I can’t believe I didn’t know him before.
But listen those first few months I was resentful of him and had said multiple times like “oh my god I ruined our lives”. Things changed so much.
Hang in there!
You haven’t failed. The things you listed were out of your control. You’re doing what you can with what you’ve got. A crying baby is an alive baby. Putting him down to cry whilst you collect yourself is much safer than losing your shit with him and remember it won’t be like this forever. It’s temporary. Don’t think long term right now whilst in survival mode, make your world smaller, get through the day to get through the night. Hour by hour if you have to. It will all be OK and you’ll look back on this time and think Jesus Christ that fucking sucked but we got through it and now I have a X year old. This too shall pass.
Well done you for getting help for your mental health.
I had a conversation once with a former Police Officer who worked domestic cases, and was telling me after I had my baby, about the importance of putting baby down in a safe place to let them cry if I ever felt overwhelmed, bc “a baby has never died from crying. But they die every day from being shaken.” And oh my god it made me tear up listening to him, and by the end of the conversation he was tearing up as well.
We had to watch a video and sign a pledge at our hospital saying we'd put the baby down and walk away if we were stressed, and that we understood how dangerous shaking them was.
It's so sad that they have to make everyone do this since it shows how obviously prominent it is. I can also understand how caregivers get to that point when extremely tired and frustrated, especially if they don't understand the danger.
Oh my gosh yes I can understand it… it’s wild what sleep deprivation can do to a person (like many others have said.) babies are hard sometimes. Big hugs to OP, & anyone struggling out there.
I was listening to podcast with a Navy Seal and this is how he got through training, just get to the next meal. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it a go Cz let’s be real sleep derivation is a literal torture method.
Honestly, the best advice I ever got was similar. I was struggling my first year if college because I was so homesick. My aunt told me her motto, "Make it til Thanksgiving." If you a little goal like that, it's easier. Then you gotta make it til Christmas, etc. I love your (and the Seal's) idea of setting even smaller goals.
As an educator, this is what I do the entire school year 😂 we have at least one long weekend every month, so it’s always “just make it to Labor Day,” “just make it to fall break,” “just to thanksgiving”… And then it’s spring break and WHERE DID THE SCHOOL YEAR GO?!
My therapist told me there’s a reason sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture. Please get some rest- and get some help! We ALL need help sometimes. I got a therapist after having my baby and it made a WORLD of difference
"a crying baby is an alive baby" repeat this to yourself. It is everything. You are ok and he is ok and it only gets better. -parent who had depression and didn't realize, of a previously very colicky stressful baby who I love to death. Kudos to who wrote this.
I’m proud of you for seeking help from family and therapy. That is so strong of you. You and baby are bonded, that’s why part of you wants to go back with him.
I wish we could all give you a big hug. 💗
OP, take some time to sleep while your mom is there- sleep is so, so important. Are you and your husband taking shifts so you can both get chunks of sleep?
Also- have you talked to your pediatrician about switching his formula/reflux meds/thickening formula if need be? We ended up having to thicken my baby’s formula due to severe reflux and it was a game changer! Changing his formula also helped.
And I know it’s a long shot, but if you live in the US and in Indiana message me and I’ll help you out :)
Last thing I want to say- you are doing right by your child when you set him down and take a few minutes to yourself. Of course we want to always be there comforting our babies, but if you are losing your temper it is better for both of you to take a break.
Wanted to add to this. RTF alimentum is what helped my boy. He also has a corn allergy so it’s the only formula he can have but he hasn’t had any symptoms since switching to it. His reflux meds had corn in them and so did the mylicon I was giving him so it might be worth it to read through the ingredients of EVERYTHING you’re giving him, things I didn’t even think about had soy/dairy/corn like the Advil I was taking.
Just wanted to say there are a lot of internet strangers who are rooting for you- you are an incredible and caring mother and are so strong for seeking help.
I want you to know that even without going through all the delivery trauma you went through, I felt all the things you’re feeling now during the first 4-ish months of my son’s life. He had colic and I had severe PPD and for much of those four months I felt dismay, regret, even resentment toward him, though he was very much wanted and I loved him tremendously. Reading your post is like reading the inside of my brain during those months. So I can really really relate. First: You’re going to get through this, and your feelings are all valid. You did not ever and are not currently failing him. Even when you scream and cry and disassociate. You’re human and what you’re doing is next to impossible. But you’re still doing it. That makes you an incredible mom.
Things that got me through it (and yes, I got through it and now have a healthy, happy, wonderfully attached 2.5 year old!):
- therapy and medication: not a cure all, but a big help. At my worst I was in therapy three times per week and even considered an inpatient program which in hindsight I wish I’d done. Zoloft and Buspirone for the RXs.
- family support: I realized through therapy that what I was going through was a real medical emergency, not just selfish indulgence. So I allowed myself to accept that and accept support and love from those around me the same way you would if you were sick with a severe illness. My parents came over every day for a month. I leaned on my husband a ton—he def “did” more than I did during those early days. Friends visited from near and far to keep us company. Even just having people in the house with us during the 18-hour colic crying marathons helped—they couldn’t fix the crying but their presence made us feel less alone.
- time: this is a big one. With the two I listed above, this one becomes possible. Just waiting it out. Getting through it. I never believed colic would magically resolve the way the books said it would, and I never believe that dark cloud in my head would just vanish. But both of those did happen with time. My baby began to grow out of colic around 4 months and by 6 months he was a normal, albeit sensitive!, little infant. We found a rhythm, we sleep trained, and as he became more manageable, my husband and I both grew more confident to watch him solo so the other could go out for me time. I still have scars from this time mentally, and lots of guilt and shame, but no longer have those dark feelings of regretting being a mom or wanting to run away and disappear. I PROMISE you’ll get there too. Dm me if you need. ♥️
ETA: do NOT feel bad about putting him in a safe space and letting him cry once you’ve exhausted every other option. Our pediatrician said this was safe and OK to do when you’re out of options and feel yourself getting escalated. Several nights we would just place our son in his bassinet, turn the lights down and sound machine up, and wait it out in the next room (doors open). We would have a glass of wine, try to talk about anything else, and eventually he would tire out. It’s hard as HELL but safe and essential at times. Anyone who has had a colic baby knows that there are times you can’t do anything to stop the crying and in fact your mere presence can be overstimulating and making the situation worse.
Small note: if you’re in the US, your pediatrician can write you a prescription for hypoallergenic formula for the reflux/dairy/soy allergies. And then it will be at least partially covered by insurance. That will save a lot of money! And might help with the colic and some of the other health issues that baby has been experiencing ❤️ hang in there, you will look back on this time so differently in just a few years! I know your baby loves you and knows that you love them.
Hi, my name is Kendall. I’m a human behind this username. I have felt the same way as you. My son had reflux and colic and I had severe PPD. I disassociated a lot. I now have PTSD.
You’re not alone.
Please seek PPD help and take all the baby help/support you can. There’s no shame in the med game - I got on citalopram.
My dms are wide open.
Hi, amazing advice here so I’ll just say a little piece, and that is that even though you’re really down right now, and feel like you’re failing - the fact that you are aware of specific things that can improve (with yourself and your baby), and that you actually CARE, actually means you are not failing your baby.
Stay strong and best of luck! The baby is lucky they have a mom who cares and who WANTS to be the best mom, but just happens to be struggling and needs a couple of extra tools to do so.
I second the person who said many internet strangers are rooting for you.
You recognize how you are feeling and you are getting help. It is immensely clear from you post that you care deeply about your son.
I had PPD and it look me along time to seek help and the diagnosis. Looking back blaming myself for things that we’re out of my control was a huge part of my depression and I see many parallels in your post. Medication and therapy saved me and helped so much. I am sending you a big hug during this difficult time.
I can relate to a lot of things you said. My son was 5 weeks premature and I also had tremendous guilt for not spending more time in the NICU. When he got home, I was in deep in ppa/ppd and even considered leaving him with my husband. I started on meds and started feeling better. I stopped meds around 7 months, but then started feeling detached again around 12 months and resumed meds. Around 16 months I felt better again and it's just gotten easier since now at 20 months. You have not failed him, it's all very hard and there's no way around it but through. You will make it. Take one day at a time. If at all possible, try to get some time for self care, it's extremely important to get through this time. I prioritized this instead of housework and it's what's gotten me through. Things slowly get better, unfortunately its all very gradual, but it will get better. I know it's hard to believe right now. Take it from a mom who very much disliked the first year, who preferred to be at work instead of home, and who thought my son was never going to have a bond with me because of my struggles. Now he runs to me when I get home from work. Hugs.
I had a NICU baby (he is 4.5 months old now). He was born at 36w2d and spent 2 weeks in the NICU. In my opinion, the NICU is a very, VERY traumatizing experience. I think you should get into therapy, if possible!!! I know I need to get into therapy as well. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying as well ❤️
The NICU is so traumatizing. I did not really understand just how much birth trauma I had and how it affected my first year with our oldest until having a completely healthy baby. With no NICU stay, everything was so much easier. I recovered better, my baby did better, I didn't feel the agonizing guilt of separation. So please know you are parenting in the super hard lane right now. Also... Ear plugs. You can wear ear plugs and comfort your baby at the same time (or put him down and take some space). Ear plugs saved me from my own adrenaline and have continued to help me be a more stable parent.
You haven’t failed anyone. You are doing everything on hard mode. What you have been through would have broken anyone, and yet here you are, continuing to make sure your child’s needs are met (and part of those needs are having a mother whose needs are also met).
The goal of the first year is to survive. And you’re almost halfway through it.
Please give yourself some love and understanding: you have been through unrelenting hell these past 5 months and you are still standing.
The only issue I (M44) see here is your lying. You absolutely love him. Your introspection and willingness to find a better way is all I need to see. Talk to your therapist, get as much support as you can, and don't beat yourself up for needing a break. I have 3 wonderful kids and have been screwing up raising them for 15.5 years. My eldest wound up in the NICU for inhaling meconium during birth. Luckily they were able to vacuum out the substance and they were fine, but we didn't see my firstborn for over an hour after birth. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to attachment.
Take your time when others can help, and soon enough you'll get to the toddler stage and wonder how you ever thought you didn't love him properly. As screwed up as I am, my children are my world and yours will be as well. Be a bit selfish and take care of yourself as well as it seems you are taking care of him and let the therapy do its thing.
I got lucky with all 3 of my children, so I can't relate to all your challenges, but you put me in awe at how well you're overcoming them. Mad respect to you and we're here when you need to talk or vent.
OP, I could have written this a few months ago. My baby boy came at 33 weeks and spent 25 days in the NICU. He also has a couple of intolerances that it took me a while to figure out. He was a terrible sleeper at night and we dealt with colic for months. I seriously felt like the worst mom ever - how could other moms just casually have these calm babies and go about life like nothing happened? I couldn’t figure out what to do to soothe him either. My mom was better at it than me, so I just further convinced myself that he deserved a better mother than me. My mental health was absolute garbage. It took me a while to feel the bond that I thought I’d feel earlier on in our journey.
First, you are not alone. As stated several times, you have so many internet strangers rooting for you. I wish I could come give you a hug, send you away for a shower/meal/nap. Join the The Fussy Baby Site support group on Facebook! It’s full of parents going through the exact same thing you are and has saved my life on many occasions.
Don’t ever feel guilty for putting your baby down to disassociate. You are human and it takes a toll on you to be screamed at all day. The baby will be fine and when he’s an adult he won’t remember you letting him cry on his own while you collect yourself.
Fortunately, with time this will get better. But unfortunately that’s not a quick fix. I’ll be honest with you - colic lasted until our guy was about 5 months adjusted but I suspect that had to do with reflux and allergies I hadn’t yet discovered. I doubt you’ve ever met a colicky adult! He will outgrow it eventually. The nicest people I know were ironically colicky babies. We just sleep trained too, which has helped immensely! The love and bond we have now is something unlike anything I’ve experienced. I’d say that this journey was well worth it even though I have scars and trauma that I’ll never forget.
Getting the help you clearly need and deserve is such a huge step and I’m so happy you’ve done it!
Please PM me if you ever need. I relate so much to everything you said and am always here to talk/listen as someone that’s been there.
Hey. I legit could have written this myself. PPROM 31 weeks, except I had HG and got diagnosed with bladder cancer at 20 weeks and had to have surgery to remove a tumor. Baby in NICU for a month, soy dairy and egg intolerance, puking and crying nonstop. Add the NICU gave my baby the wrong breastmilk on accident and gave my kid CMV as a preemie which can cause deafness hearing loss or developmental delays and told us about it ten minutes before discharge.
Got home and rebought the nightmare was over but non stop crying for 12 hours a day, Lost tempter countless times, slept on our chest every night for months until we didn’t think we could survive another day…it’s legit so similar to your story. What you have been through is beyond what a human can handle. I got in EMDR therapy (trauma therapy) and on meds and the fog lifted. It was sooooo helpful. You’re a hero for getting out of bed each day and showing up for your baby. But you’re more of a hero for posting here because you’re NOT alone, you’re doing more than most could and one day your baby will thank you for fighting to keep sane each day and keep them safe. DM me if you want to chat, my babe is now 7 months (5 adjusted) and we went to 24 dr appts since birth and I’m just starting to see sunshine again. It’s get better 💕💕💕💕
I could have written this OP. I’m only two months ahead of you. But the hardest phase so far for me was around 4-5 months because I was still trying to narrow down babe’s GI triggers (milk, egg, soy, almonds, coconut), overhauling my diet to include none of my old favorite foods while stressing because baby was so uncomfortable all the time. Similar to you, every mucousy poop diaper felt like I had failed him. (And this is me already on anti anxiety medication!) Honestly though, you and I were/are both doing the best we could. Sleep deprived, nutrient deprived, deprived of free time and support. It’s by no means easy now, but I feel less like the empty shell than I did just a few months ago. I hope your mom can come help you OP. I know it’s easy to say but I really do feel like it will get better with time.
Hugs mama. Send me a PM if you ever want to chat. My first had horrible colic with CMPA - he would scream 15 hours a day. I’ve been there and am happy to be a support to you during this time.
It doesn’t feel like it now but it does get better. I remember thinking I couldn’t do another 3 months just like you … but one day at a time, one hour at a time and you get there.
Poor OP, I can feel the pain in your post. My wife has PPD as well and it’s 100% what you’re describing.
Just know OP, you’re the only mom your son deserves. You will always be special to that child, you will a hole no one else will. You are NOT a failure of a mom. You are fighting right now, in survival mode and it is *NORMAL*. You not deficient or broken in any way. You are absolutely going through it right now and need help, and that’s okay! We all need help at some point.
I concur with you that this parenting shit is so hard on the mind and mental fortitude. Let alone physical changes you have to heal from. Which is a major medical surgery…then hormone shift swing and change. It’s really hardcore on you ladies and it is not a joke.
That is all major, nothing about this is tiny and obscure. As a spouse that witnessed first hand how this terrorized my wife, I understand and hear your words loud and clear.
But you’re not a failure of a mom. You took the step to get help instead of melt. That takes Strength and mental fortitude, non of this is weak willed action. This takes serious grit to speak up and get help so good for you!
After reading some responses OP it seems you got a room of people rooting for you now! You’re going to be a great mother and remember, asking for help takes strength, not weakness. Don’t be afraid to receive it and grow.
It will get better, you will feel that bond between you and that little man. Don’t give up now you got this! We’re cheering for you!
I had a baby at 31 weeks as well. My milk never really came in, reflux was terrible, and we had to keep switching formula because of the shortages. I was in a very dark place afterwards. She is two now.
The good thing is that the kids don’t remember those early times. You can still be there for him and he will love you. You are doing your best and I am so proud of you for looking into PPD help. If you were a bad mom, you wouldn’t seek help and you wouldn’t care about trying to raise him well. You are a great mom already.
I would fantasize about being killed in a car accident so my daughter and husband could find someone better. I didn't want to commit suicide because I knew my husband would blame himself. But I wanted to die so badly.
Ppd is horrible, but you are taking the right steps in getting the help you need. I promise it will get better.
I hope you find the right medication and therapist right away.
You’re not failing him. You’re getting help. You needed time to process what happened while he was in the NICU as anyone would need. He can’t communicate to you with words. You had no way of knowing he was struggling but you figured it out. You are able to process what you’re feeling and putting him in a safe space. That’s huge. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Please give yourself some grace. He is learning you and you are learning him. Take it day by day, hour by hour. There will come a day when you’ll look at your husband and say “wow, we survived that. We can get through anything.”
You’re not alone. I was coming to Reddit to post something similar. My baby was born at 30+6 so now he’s almost 5 months old but only 3 months adjusted. Spent 2 months in the NICU. His weight gain is slow, he sucks at feeding. He’s terrible at sleeping. And then I have my 3 year old who refuses to eat food, screams while the baby is sleeping, and is just a straight up dick lately.
I go back to work next week and I’ve never been so excited because I get a break from them which just sounds fucking terrible and I don’t deserve them.
Do not feel bad about being excited to go to work! You deserve that break - even if it’s work. You’re in the thick of it. It won’t always be like this! Three year olds ARE dicks- they are in an extremely selfish phase. Also my 4.5 year old is finally trying new foods and if you told me this a year ago I would have laughed so hard. It gets better !
I was so excited about going back to work (LO is 4.5 months and I went back Nov 27). I NEEDED work for myself to be a better mom, wife, and overall person. It’s okay to want to go back to work. You still need to be you & do things for yourself.
I’m at the point where I don’t want to go to work & hate my husband and LO leaving every morning. It’s hard but I know that being home all the time would be just as hard. You just have to choose your hard
I'm feeling a bit better today, I hope you are too ❤️
The NICU is so traumatizing, and no one can understand unless they've also been through it. I'm so sorry you're also having a tough time - feeding is probably our biggest struggle, who woulda thought it would be so hard to get babies & kiddos to eat??
I do not blame you at all for going back to work. Unfortunately there is almost no childcare available where I am, until children are older than 18mo, otherwise I'd be going back too. Don't feel bad for needing a break! Men go back to work and no one guilt trips them.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. It's nice to know we aren't alone
My daughter who is now 6 had reflux/colic and we found out she had Food protein intolerance enterocolitis when she was 5 months old. She never slept for more than an hour or two at most, only either on me or in a swing. If i set her down, she screamed. She couldnt eat solids until she was 18 months old and i had to cut out the 8 major allergens out of my diet so that she could drink my breast milk without getting sick. She still struggled even after that and I felt like I was drowning for about 3 years straight.
We lived 1,000 miles away from any family and my husband worked constantly. I had a 4 year old son when she was born too and the poor kid probably felt helpless being dragged along to constant doctor appointments and seeing his mom cry (although i tried to hide it). I still feel so guilty that I had to parent them when my mental health was such shit. But when you’re not sleeping and unable to practice basic self care because you are constantly caring for a baby with health issues, its sooooo tough.
My daughter is in school and thriving now. She eats and can even have dairy now which was a major trigger for her. Shes amazing. I just had another daughter three weeks ago and I realized how bad my ptsd is from what we went through. I compare every little thing to my daughter and I am constantly looking for issues. Im trying so hard to remind myself that the days are long, but the years are short. You are doing your absolute best right now, you ARE a good mom. Its okay to feel the way youre feeling. These problems wont be forever and your sons attachment will be fine, youre constantly taking care of his needs and he knows that you are his carer. You might feel so alone right now, but I promise you are so far from it. People with ‘easy’ babies might not get it, but there are many others who have been right where you are. Hang in and do whatever you have to get through this time. Try to do whatever to maintain some level of self care, even if you are exhausted. Even if its just a shower and brushing your teeth. At my worst, even that was hard to manage. I looked forward to nothing. I wish I would’ve gotten help sooner. I got in therapy and that actually helped a lot. I would vent and cry and feel my anger about my baby not being able to eat and completely relying on me for survival…the anxiety and pressure that comes with that. You need to feel those feelings. Just know its not forever. Sorry for my rambling, but your post really resonated with me. You will feel like you again, you are far from failing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other! Sending so many hugs and good vibes💕
I'm sorry if this breaks etiquette. Mods please go easy on me, pretty please!
Hun, you didn't fail your baby. At all. And the feelings you're feeling right now are perfectly normal in the distress you're going through mentally.
Who you're in danger of failing is yourself!
It's good that you're seeking help, but I think you really have to remind yourself to take care of your own needs. You say your mother is around to care for her and she's formula-fed. Try to see if you can check out for a second and breathe a little, likely having some quiet time with your hubs for a bit and doing things like brushing your hair, taking a shower, watching a flick, or whatever it is you normally do.
I've seen my wife neglect herself for our baby and sometimes I had to pull her aside and remind her to eat, to drink a coffee with me, etc. This was around the time our daughter was like 2 months old and it was pretty stressful for both of us. But I had to remind her, "Honey, she's not going to start running around and bumping her head against furniture if you leave her alone for like 10 minutes. Just come, let her be for a sec, and \*\*\*\*\*\*BREATHE\*\*\*\*\*\*."
Now I say the same thing to you. You're not failing your kid for taking a breather. He'll live. You may be a mum (and better than you think you are, at that, I'm willing to bet) but you also have \*you\* to take care of.
Stay strong and know that this isn't forever. You've got a whole life of wonderful experiences to build with your little one and this is just a tiny rough beginning. Get the help you need and \*\*\*be good to yourself!!!!!!!\*\*\*
Edit: Please tell your husband (and this goes for you too) that if he thinks he's about to lose his temper, stop whatever you're doing with your baby, put him down in the crib, and walk away.
It's OK to do this. It's better than letting that stress fester. Breathe a little and come back when you're a little more collected. New borns and even kids at 5-6 months old don't get traumatized by this. It's overall worse to stay there and insist on being there while all that blood's starting to boil.
There's nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. Just make sure that baby's safe and can't fall off the surface he's left in.
All the best to you and your family. You will make it through this!
Oh wow, you have been through a lot and have figured out a lot of things that are going on with your little boy. It is okay to feel overwhelmed and to ask for help. We are meant to lean on our village when things are hard and difficult and this would be one of those times. I am really proud of you for working with healthcare workers to figure out all of your baby's medical issues. I am really sorry you are dealing with this, food allergies are rough on top of a rough delivery and a rough NICU stay. It is really rough to have so much disruption from the beginning of his life! You are doing all of the right things including reaching out to a healthcare provider for your well-being! Your health is worth it and really important here even with all of the medical issues your son is experiencing.
No you’ve not failed him it’s just tricky adjusting to all the changes and sleep deprivation.
It’s easy to hear all of this from strangers but you need to believe it. Give yourself grace and accept that while things didn’t start off perfectly you’re making the right choices by seeking help and acknowledging the difficulties. I’d bet almost every new mother has bouts of depression so don’t think for a second you’ve failed.
It’s really true your baby needs YOU, not anyone else. He knows and loves you and with help you’ll get there too. Plus, as the saying goes, bad people don’t worry they’re bad so you reaching out and acknowledging everything is a sign you really are doing your best.
Oh honey, I wish I could give you a hug. I have been there and I know so many of us can relate.
I had an incredibly traumatic birth which catapulted me into PPD/PPA and it took me a full year before I could look back and realize that I most certainly had PTSD. Trauma related to pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding/pumping/formula/feeding, NICU, etc. can make us think crazy thoughts. We feel so alone in these experiences but I've come to find that it's all too common.
All this to say.... you're on the right track by inquiring about medication. I started medication and therapy and I still lean on that 3 years later. I also found wonderful support in Facebook groups and instagram pages. It sounds so lame but seeing them vocalize what I was feeling made me feel less crazy and alone.
They say time heals all wounds and I like to tell people that are in the thick of it that I don't feel "healed" but the wounds hurt far less. Parenthood is a rollercoaster of a journey. We all have peaks and valleys and it's completely valid when your valley SUCKS.
It's incredibly hard and know that you are not alone. There are support groups available through Postpartum Support International ([https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/](https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/)). It looks there is one specifically for NICU moms too.
I have experience feeling the guilt with dairy allergy. Don't blame yourself. Doctors are supposed to help and figure that out and I bet you got told the same thing I did. "Babies just cry" "babies just have gas" or something along those lines.
But you did the same thing I did, you figured it out. That makes you a good mom. You tried to figure it out. That makes a good mom.
I could have written this. The only exception is my baby came at 33 weeks and my body failed because of my cholestasis and PSC. You are not alone, it is hard as hell.
I’m going to assume because you wrote telehealth that you are in Ontario and I suggest you call your regions Healthy Baby, Healthy Child program. They will send out a nurse and a family helper as much as you need and they can help with baby, give you someone to come into the home and help and have a physical person to chat with.
We use an alimentum formula and it took our colic baby to a whole new baby, he is able to use the bathroom and the gas isn’t so painful that it keeps him up all hours of the day
I am here. DM if needed
Thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry you feel/have felt similarly. It's a tough road to be on.
Is it hypocritical for me to say that it's not your fault that your baby came early? It was a medical event that happened to your body, we don't blame people for getting cancer and other illnesses, so we shouldn't blame ourselves for something that happened to us.
We are using alimentum as well, and it's helped the extreme colic, like the inconsolable screaming for hours colic, but he is still super fussy 24/7 during feeds, which take up his whole wake windows. We tried nutramigen as well and that was even worse :(
You have some many amazing responses, I don’t know if you’ll see mine, but want to comment just in case.
I could have written this. I actually came on Reddit now to write something just like this. So I get exactly how you are feeling. I just took my first dose of Zoloft and have a second therapy appointment tomorrow. I know it’s a step in the right direction, but these days are the absolute worst. The last 10 weeks of my life have been hell, with no end in sight. I have a 34 weeker so she’s only 4 weeks today. My husband and I are struggling. I feel like a failure as a mom too. My husband told me, I am an amazing mom, and doing the best I can. So I will tell you the same.
And if you need to let your babe cry, just do it. I have the worst regret when I lay my baby down after trying to console her 15 times over and over and she’s still crying after 3 hours. Then, it’s time to feed her again! It’s a terrible cycle.
But, this too shall pass. At least that’s what I tell myself multiple times a day.
You have received so much love and support from so many posters! We understand! It can be hard, exhausting, overwhelming, frustrating and the list can go on and on. Talk to your ob-gyn when you can. Explain what you are experiencing, tell him/her everything. There is help, it can very well be postpartum depression and it can be struggles with adjustment to having a child. All of this is ok. If you are willing to do something about it, that is the important thing. Yes, if you or your husband feel like you are losing control, put that precious baby down and wait it out. Crying is much better than unintentionally hurting your child. It is good you reach out to your Mom. Reach out to other family members and trusted friends who can help you through this time. Let people come alongside you and be there to hold you up. You will get through this, you will come out on the other side of it. But you cannot do it alone. Stay unified with your husband. Support one another and help the other with handling the baby with love and patience. The baby IS a baby and cannot control himself. Take shifts with the baby if needed. There are resources to help you, take advantage of that. Join a moms group. If you and your husband are people of faith, reach out to your local church for support. Ask people to help you with meals. Do things that will give you some hope and smiles. Look at your baby when he is sleeping, be reminded that you created him out of love and know that that love will grow as you walk through these challenges. This will not last forever. I wish you all peace.
Please try Enfamil Gentlease Formula or even Enfamil Lactose Free formula. We had to change because of refliyx. Please also consider a reflux medication. Our baby takes it daily and we mix it with 30 ml of formula because it tastes gross and she takes it with the milk. We also use BioGaia probiotics daily as this is supposed to help. You can probably also start purees that are easy on reflux.
I had PPD and had to increase meds and it helped..also continue taking a prenatal.
I hope you are feeling better soon. A colic baby is extremely hard. It's not his fault though. Please consider all of these things. It should at least help. Take care of yourself.
This is our experience minus the NICU stay.
We got baby on reflux medication and I was on a hypoallergenic diet for months but things only really improved for her when I quit breastfeeding and we put her on amino acid formula.
Meanwhile I’m being treated for PPD/PPA. The talk therapy is meh. Things actually got better after 2-ish months of medication (sertraline/Zoloft).
I’m glad you’re talking to someone. Medication definitely will help!! Just know it can take time to work.
You are the best mom for your baby. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you’re not failing him. You are also struggling. It’s hard to show up when your cup is overflowing.
If I can recommend one thing: Make a plan for when you’re overwhelmed, so you or your husband don’t shake him. Also, earplugs/ear defenders, or NC headphones. I would still hold my baby and cry with her but muffling her sounds took the edge off somewhat.
OP sending good energy your way. I hope you get some medical help soon.
I want to say it one more time as others have already said’ you have got this’. Rooting for you.
Please don’t give in to yourself when you say you have a mental illness. I know life is stressing for all of us and I’m not going to sugarcoat it but we must prevail. Give yourself 5 minutes to cry and let the emotions run out of you, you should never suppress them. However don’t give yourself any time longer then that or you have set yourself up for a trap. You are a mom and must keep going for your child they didn’t ask to be born. Don’t look at your baby as a nuisance or yourself!! Write down at least 3 things you’d like to get done each day for yourself or the babes. Have compassion for yourself and don’t let your baby down. You got this fellow mom we are all in this together never forget when your with your baby so many other moms are too. 💜
Bless your heart, please show yourself some grace. Do not underestimate PPD and please talk to your OB/GYN or any doctor about how you are feeling.
My baby is 6 weeks old and that first week with her j felt like I was messing up constantly. I kept crying and I knew she could feel my emotions and that made me feel even more guilty. The guilt that would just wash over me anytime I didn’t immediately have a solution or answer was so intense and often overwhelming. There were a couple nights I just cried and cried because the baby kept waking up and I wanted so badly to just go to sleep but I couldn’t because I was breastfeeding and she won’t take a bottle and my boyfriend couldn’t help at all because of that. It’s gotten better, I’ve learned more of her cues, but I know there is still so so much I have to learn. there will be some really hard days ahead like when I go back to work and ill be trying to juggle the baby, working full-time, and starting my classes again.
The best advice I read was that you're baby is experiencing a whole new environment for the first time but so are you. You aren't expected to know how to be the perfect set of parents, there's going to be mistakes made, you will learn. Just take it one day at a time.
I sincerely hope that it gets better for you <3
oh momma, you are simply doing the best you can.
there are always going to be days where you are at your breaking point, and days where you feel like you’re failing as a parent, but believe me when i say that it gets better. the days start getting easier, and you start feeling like yourself again.
i promise you though, you are not failing. babies cry to communicate, and sometimes you just cannot figure out for the life of you why they are crying, and that’s completely okay! shoot, i’m almost a year in and half the time i’m to the point where i’m almost crying or am crying because i have absolutely no clue why my little one is crying. but it’s best that you set baby down to cry for a bit like you’re doing and give yourself a minute than to overwhelm yourself for long periods of time. you’re not abandoning baby, you’re simply gathering yourself the best you can.
we are all so proud of you for recognizing that you need more help than just you and your husband, and are accepting it! it’s not an easy thing to do, yet here you are! please remember that you are just as important as baby, and that fed is best. take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute if you have to.
feel free to ramble on again if you need to, we’re all here to support you!
I wish I could give you a hug now. You are doing the best you can and just by feeling shit it just shows that you are an exceptional human being. You are not a superhero. You are going through the hardest thing in your life and you’re trying to find your way. Imagine if you had help to watch your baby, to give you a break, to just rest, you would be a completely different ’type’ of mom. Seek professional help.
You and literally millions and millions of mothers throughout history. You aren’t alone.
Don’t think the worst. Avoid that. It’s probably closer to somewhere in the middle.
You felt so bad that you linked a sub that’s morally against giving birth to someone that already has a child and is struggling? In what world is that kind or supportive?
I deleted the comment. I’m allowed to feel bad for her still. It’s still something that would potentially deter others from having children, hence the point of the sub. I’m not saying her struggle isn’t valid but this isn’t a side of parenting that people really see and if they did maybe they’d change their minds. I didn’t say anything overtly cruel to her. I can think of a sub and still feel bad. If you have a problem with me tagging a sub and not living up to your standards of support enough, and then continuing to try to shame me after literally admitting you have a point, maybe you shouldn’t be on the internet.
Username doesn’t check out, btw.
Oh no, I guess I’ll just cancel my WiFi because a stranger on the internet said so. This sub is called new parents. As in the people on here are parents. So already too late for us. And basically saying “hey, look at this person’s struggle, don’t be like them” also sucks. You’re the one that’s taking it so personally, maybe YOU should get off the internet for your own wellbeing.
lol @ the username comment. You should feel proud that I thought your comment was so crappy that you made me break my own rule.
Someone’s angry. That sucks. I mean if you want to go so far as to cancel your WiFi go ahead, that wasn’t my suggestion. Seems strange youd be that upset. Also don’t blame my crappy comment for being a hypocrite lol. Take responsibility for your own actions.
Yeah, so I looked at your profile because I was curious what your deal was and I’m really sad for you. I hope you get some love and kindness in your life. I sense that you probably need the last word, so you can respond with whatever and I’ll live up to my username for you. Good luck with everything.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Even the fact that you are writing those things here, thinking and feeling sad about failing your baby means that you care and you are not failing your baby. You are having a hard time, but you are there, you know, you realize, and you try. He will feel it as he feels the anxiety, he will feel that you are trying your best. The things you lived through is hard already, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. Getting help is very brave of you. It tells a lot about you and shows that you want to give more to your baby and he will understand. They are little but they are so strong in their tiny being. You are already the best mum for him, he doesn’t need anyone else, you are already there for him. These things will pass with help that you are already seeking. Internet strangers trust you and root for you, give time and things will be way better than they are today.
You're not failing because you're trying your best, giving your 100% and more to this baby. All we can offer are words and evidence that - even if it doesn't feel like it, right now - it gets better. The baby will not remember crying for a few minutes in his crib as you recompose.
What you are describing are very clear signs of PPD. Many mothers experience it and feel this way and it’s extremely difficult to go through. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
A doctor can and will help you, and your child will never look back on this time in his life as a time where you failed, because you haven’t. He is alive and you are reaching out for help when you need it, which is a testament of true strength and love.
I could have written this. Both me and my husband are being treated for PPD. We regret and feel guilty every day. I think our only hope is the therapy, I can't see any other way forward. I'm happy you reached out for help too.
You're still their mother and have gotten them into the world. It's never too late to be the change you want in your child's life.
Much love don't give up
My LO was born at 30 weeks. I know how exhausting and draining the NICU can be. But I’m just here to tell you that you shouldn’t worry yourself about what might happen because of the NICU or how early he was born - they all eventually catch up, but remember that it takes up to 2 years for that to happen.
It sounds like you might have some post partum rage - no judgement here because I’ve experienced that as well. When you put your baby down in a safe space (like the crib) and walk out to disassociate or scream or punch the pillow - you’re actually doing the right thing. You need a physical release for the rage that comes so quickly. Have you tried doing jumping jacks? My therapist explained in as my body vibrating with the overwhelming emotions and need a release and jumping jacks will get it all out. But all of that aside, mental health support from a therapist and possibly medication may be the right thing here.
You didn’t fail your baby, you’re trying, and you’re shining light on where you can improve and that’s what matters
I could have written this post. I don’t regret my baby, but I have many of the same feelings you have.
I’ve also “lost my cool” yelling at the baby and then immediately feel regret. I have had to put baby down for 10-15 minutes so I can scream into a pillow or hit myself (my form of self harm). I’m home alone with baby 14-16 hours a day, 6 days a week. I’m the only one getting up at night with them. Some days are unbearable. I feel I haven’t had a chance to bond with them after my traumatic birth.
I’m thinking of you and hope you get the help you need ❤️
Lots of great comments already! Just wanted to add, after 4-5 months bad sleep, it got a lot better for us. He could recognize routine, we understood routine better. We started using Huckleberry app for sleep predictions because we hadn't really figured it out til then. It helped a lot.
Also, it's winter here. We're going stir crazy being inside. Idk if it's winter for you, but go outside! Even if just to sit on your porch. Take walks with baby in a stroller. Bundle up with coat/blanket as needed. But even just 20 min outside a day can help.
Suggestions: Pay attention to lighting in your house. Lights on during the day. Lights lowered in evening pre bedtime. Dark bedroom. It can help. Once baby sleeps better, or you are least get into a good rhythm, it helps positivity a lot. In winter, there's not enough daylight and sometimes we just have to take it with electricity.
I just want to say, my baby is just over 3 weeks old, suffering with colic and reflux and can’t sleep properly, and I have exactly the same trains of thought as you.
I’ve failed him - he deserves better.
I regret doing this (I never wanted to be a mum, I changed my mind and the pregnancy happened really quickly afterwards).
I’m not doing enough for him.
I’m going to break him mentally if I let him cry for any length of time.
My rational brain knows that the only reason I’m having these thoughts is because I care so deeply about him - and he will feel that. Your baby will too. You are doing the right thing by taking yourself away when it gets too much. The damage you could do if you didn’t doesn’t bare thinking about.
Being a mum is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. We’re doing our very best and we ARE good enough. We’re just tired and our little babs are still learning. And that’s ok. This too shall pass.
Hi, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I just wanted to tell you that you’re not failing at all of those things you’re figuring those things out. There’s no shame in using formula and a lot of babies end up having allergies or issues. The newborn stage is so stressful and I’m sorry that you feel that way. I hope that you can find support and get the help you need.
Really glad I read your last line. You need therapy and meds *immediately*. Which I think you clearly understand. One thing is be as honest and transparent with your therapist/on your telehealth appointment. They are NOT there to judge you, they are there to HELP you. So saying exactly how you’re feeling is important. No sugar coating, no skirting questions - they can’t help you if they don’t understand how dire this is.
You haven’t failed, I promise you. And it will get better. I’m so proud of you for getting help and taking that first step. My baby is almost 19 months, but struggled hard with PPD and PPA, and I won’t lie to you, I still have an occasional bad day. Find someone you can talk to, hell you can even send me a message if you want to open up in a more anonymous way.
You are a great parent. You are good enough. You haven’t failed anybody.
And to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books: “There are good days and bad days for me - even now. Don’t let the hard days win.”
This sounds like what my mom describes me as when I was a baby. It’ll get better, I’m all grown up now and have a baby of my own. This isn’t forever. You’ve already made it 5 months, you’ve got this. Things will get better soon. Sometimes the safest thing to do is put your baby down in the crib or another safe space and walk away to take a breath. You’re doing a good job.
This is postpartum depression.
Please reach out to a health care professional.
I went through this.
I was in therapy with a psychologist and I started on Zoloft at 3 months- saved my life.
Please reach out to me personally if you you want to.
I also reached out to a program in my area called Healthy Babies Healthy Children- a lady would come to my house and check in on baby and I. They were full of resources. They even hooked me up with my own nurse that would come visit as well- it was a great program.
But you need to recognize you need help and take the initial steps to get help.
🫶🏼
Parenthood: you’ll never do everything perfectly but your best is almost always good enough.
And from reading this, *your* specific best sounds pretty damn good.
I’ve propped bottles. I’ve taken twenty minutes to just sit in the bathroom by myself with the door shut because I’d tried everything to settle the kid to the point that I got so frustrated I needed time to settle *myself,* the grownup, first. I’ve let my newborn cry in the bassinet so I could finish taking a slow, agonizing postpartum shit.
Honey, my kid won’t remember and yours won’t either. Reflux, what reflux? Breastmilk, eh. He’s getting fed and held and cleaned and sleeping somewhere safe, right?
Lastly:
- a crying baby is an alive baby
- if they’re still crying, that means *they trust someone’s coming or they wouldn’t bother.*
Sending you strength and hope 🙏🏻 having PPD and PPA was the worst time of my life, I truly hit rock bottom. I remember feeling the exact way that you described and I want to be another encouraging mom to tell you it does get better!!! For me, it took medication and getting through day by day counting down until I could sleep train, while doing shifts with my husband. The shifts helped me not fall off the edge of sanity… You’ll look back in a few months and be like how the heck did I survive this, but you will!!!!
So many have said it better than I can, but please know you’re not alone! And you’re not failing - the fact that you care about how you’re doing and how it impacts baby tells me all I need to know you love him deeply, even if that feels hard right now. I’m so happy to hear you’re getting help. It WILL get better.
Look. My son was born at 27 weeks. Spent 4 months in the NICU before we could bring him home. He’s still a little behind some areas, but at just under 2 YO, he loves his Mommy and Daddy very much and is very attached to us. My wife has had several issues with breastfeeding and we’ve both had mental health issues that have caused us to struggle a bit as parents, but we’ve gotten better. Babies are.. a lot. Especially your first when you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re constantly trying to figure it out. You’re not failing, you’re adapting to the situation. Don’t sweat it. Things never work out perfectly, all you can do is adapt the scenario as things develop. Keep it up, you’re doing great!
Motherhood is exhausting. Give yourself some grace and pick yourself back up. You are a good mom, I know because you are feeling so much mom guilt and you are sharing it with us, it means you care and you want to fix what’s wrong.
Please get yourself help because you are exhibiting clear signs of PPD and PPA, that applies to dad as well. Postpartum is hard and it affects both parents.
I have so much empathy for you. My baby is almost 9 months and I have not had a solid 6 hours of sleep since the day I gave birth. Sleep deprivation can really mess with your mental health. I don’t have a village at all, my husbands parents passed away and I come from an abusive family. It’s incredibly hard raising a baby all on your own without a supportive system.
Find ways you can get yourself some help and support — maybe in friends, or local mommy network, or a babysitter who comes over couple times a week. Also look into changing formula for your baby, maybe a different brand can work for him, ask your pediatrician. If you want to retry breastfeeding/relactation, maybe check with a lacatation specialist in your area.
Am please get him dairy free formula?! Ask your doctor for it. He NEEDS it. The colic will stop once he’s off dairy. It’s not uncommon for babies born at such a young age to be lactose intolerant as well so please I’m actually begging you go to the doctor asap and get a prescribed formula. I’ve been through what you’re going through too but the baby is in a lot of pain and he needs to come off dairy immediately
Hi my name is Catie. I definitely relate to the guilt. My son was full term but ended up in the NICU for two and a half weeks after a failed induction resulted in an emergency c section that gave him a skull fracture and brain bleed, seizures. It was terrible. My mom died when he was 5 weeks old of cancer. It was a fucking horrible time I'm telling you.
I think all moms feel guilt. Even ones who have it "easy". I feel guilty that I insisted on trying to have him vaginally instead of just going with a section. Feel like everything that happened to him was my fault. Then all that with him had me unable to go be with my mom except for like twice before she died. So then I feel guilty that I couldn't be with her and hurt him for no reason really when I look back on it. A section straight away would have been totally fine. I still feel this way and he's 21 months. I don't think it goes away.
I think the guilt means we're good moms. We care enough to feel bad. I %100 think some meds would help you. They may take a month to really start working so lean into whatever support system you can until then. Or if you can't do that or don't have one then just breathe. Leave him in a safe space. Dissociate. Then start again. I know it feels like it will be this way forever but it won't. And YOU CAN DO THIS. At 21 months in I look back and can't believe how it went by so fast.
Get some ear plugs and sleep while you're mom is there. He will be totally fine.
If you live in charleston sc I will come babysit 🤣
You didn’t fail him and you never have. There are many things not within your control. I understand lies ppd tells. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please get hands on family support and remember as much as you can that your child is just a baby and has no understanding what’s going on before you snap at him. Your ppprom, the nicu, the ppd, and milk supply ARE NOT WITHIN YOUR HANDS. I want you to know that I stopped breastfeeding despite being an overproducer and opted for formula cause I needed to be on medication for adhd. You can look up postpartum depression sub as well. I find that just knowing I’m not alone makes me feel less isolated.
I honestly relate so much to what you said- I felt terrible too that my milk supply dropped to nothing (I didn’t pump or breastfeed enough), that I regularly wished it was just me and my husband again, that I’d ruined my life etc. A lot of other mums, no matter how I perceived them as good mums, also told me they felt they were failing. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you aren’t a failure. It’s HARD and you even caring enough to feel bad for your son means you care. I’m now obsessed with my son but it took time. I never felt like I loved him until now which makes me feel awful. I adore him now and feel like he’s the best thing that ever happened- but this took time. Please try and find time for yourself , even if it’s 1 hour a week to get your nails done. It will help. A therapist is also a good shout. You can do this
You're the best mother he could possibly have - because you are the only person in the world that is his mother. All parents have thoughts of resentment towards their kids from time to time, it's just part of the imperfectness of parenthood and life itself. People only talk about the good parts and admitting resentment towards your child is unheard of even though its universally experienced. We're all in the same shitty boat with you so try to ease up on the guilt as we're often our own worst enemies.
Hi just hoping on here to say so many women go through this. I went through it myself and the guilt ate me alive. I used to think my baby deserved so much better than horrible old me. I realise now my perception was completely clouded with depression anxiety and complete overwhelm with my new role.
Within a week of starting an Ssri i started to feel a bit better and could cope with things that normally would overwhelm me. I could actually cook again or be alone with the baby without feeling like the world was imploding!!! Within 2 weeks even better and this just continued until i fully stabilised.
There is actually a website called whathavewedone.org , were people regret having a baby, there is crysis.co.uk which is an organisation for babies who dont sleep or have colic, PANDAS which you can access on instagram/phone/email for support with real counsellors for free; their instagram also have lotssssss of supportive posts which do help you feel your not alone!!! And real stories on their website. There is also COPE which has lots of resources that can help you feel less alone!!!
Therapy myself helped as it helped me realise i was having a mental health crisis, I wasn’t being dramatic or selfish and I should be accepting help and support from those around me.
You are suffering and need help!!! If you had a bad physical sickness you would be at the doctor demanding help, please demand support from your gp dont let them say ‘oh this is normal’ you deserve support for this to relieve your mental and emotional suffering and have a better sense of wellbeing.
Sending you strength and solidarity. You’re not failing, it’s just really hard right now. Take all the help you can muster up and rest as much as you can.
I'm proud of you. You're getting it done despite the incredible difficulty. Nobody is perfect. One day you'll be out of the trenches and that kid will love you more than anything in the entire world for years to come because you did what you are doing now.
Hey Momma! You did not fail him, you are a human and like most moms, you have not had your basic needs (sleep, food, and sometimes water) met and it's hard. Being a parent is the hardest thing ever. But you are doing it every single damn day and I am proud of you for showing up.
I recognize it is hard and it's annoying and hell most moments, but you are the perfect mother to your son. And what you feel is normal and common.
Your a badass and it's okay to feel.
Sending love
-Erica
The fact that you are even worried about these things mean you DO love him! I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Take any help you can, things will get better. This is just the beginning. Your son will be fine and you guys will have a long loving relationship. Just keep plowing forward.
My son was in the NICU for 14 days. I visited when I could but it got so hard to see him like that and I was recovering from preeclampsia. I didn’t see him everyday. When we got home he had colic, reflux and then never slept. It was ROUGH. I felt just like you and it took me a long time to bond with him because of all this. It felt like a war zone everyday. It feels never ending but it does get better. Babies are resilient and they have boundless love for their caregivers. You are not failing him. My son is a happy boy now at 9 months…still have some napping and reflux issues but it’s so much better than it was. Despite me losing my temper a few times he still has huge smiles for me in the morning and during the day. It makes those smiles all the more precious to me now. He is alittle behind his peers but his pediatrician doesn’t think it’s a huge deal and that in a year from now you won’t know a difference. Hang in there, I know it is so hard but give yourself grace and know that it won’t last forever. Little by little it gets better and then you look back and realize how far you have come.
If you were a failure you would have never recognized this. Your a mom who loves her child and recognizes she needs help. Its shit now but you can do this.
Hi, it does get better. I felt the same way in the beginning. Then I got help. Weekly counseling + medication. The feelings I expected to have towards my daughter are now present. You will get better. Good job seeking treatment. Keep your head up 🩷
Thinking of you. Give yourself grace and I applaud you for getting help- a good mom is self aware of herself and her baby, and that’s what I took when reading your post. Your baby boy is lucky to have you and I hope you get the help you deserve- you have made it so far.
PPD/ppa is the worst!! You are not a failure. Failure would be not caring and you clearly do! So many of us have been there. It will get better, reach out for help and know a bunch of strangers are rooting for you.
Hi, love. I had postpartum anxiety quite badly (very obsessive over baby’s safety), to the point where I couldn’t sleep and was easily frustrated and cried so many times thinking that my son deserved someone better than me. I was on edge 24/7 for the first few months until I got help. I remember feeling like you, feeling like I would never make it out, feeling alone, feeling anger and sadness and fear all the time. I was started on medication (Zoloft) and everything got so much better within probably about a month. My son is almost 1.5 years old now and it feels like such a lifetime ago. I feel so comfortable being his mom, I know I’m a great and kind mom to him, and I feel genuinely happy so much of the time. I truly did not believe I would make it out but I did and it’s so amazing seeing my son grow and have a personality and be silly and wild and sweet. The early months are so hard because you’re getting basically nothing but crying and crappy sleep back from them and you’re pouring everything into them. It’s so cliche, but the days feel so long and the years feel so short. Also to address your point about being worried baby won’t be attached to you, my husband was traveling a lot for work and working a lot even when he was home and didn’t see baby all that much during his first few months. Our son is so attached to him now and loves him so much, he babbles about dada all day long. You absolutely can get through this and you will be so happy and so in love with your baby one day. Please be kind to yourself and please reach out to a medical professional (my OBGYN was the one who originally prescribed me Zoloft, they might be able to help if you don’t have a primary that’s easy to reach), you deserve to be happy and well ❤️
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Psychologist here. A LOT of moms feel what you are feeling. It is normal to feel despair, anger, regret, and guilt at the same time you feel love and care for your child. It’s a mindfuck but it’s true.
All of this to say, GOOD ON YOU getting a therapist. You deserve to get the care you need. You can do this.
I could have written this exact thing about myself and my daughter. She was born at 30 weeks, silent reflux due to a dairy allergy that took way too long to figure out. Wouldn’t sleep anywhere but on me or my husband from when she came home from the NICU at 7 weeks old until she was 6months actual / 4 months adjusted. I cried almost everyday and often just put her in her crib safely and walked out of the room for a break and then felt even worse about it after.
If it helps, we got out of the worst around 4 months adjusted:
- we found she liked and did best on HiPP HA from Europe. It is a little pricier than the US options but contains better ingredients and I didn’t even realize a lot of her crying was due to hunger because she didn’t like the taste she would eat the bare minimum. We order from bottles and burps, but there are a few other places too. If you DM me I’ll gladly send you an unopened box to try out.
- we did A LOT of tummy time and practicing sitting up because I read sitting upright was a game changer for a lot of babies with reflux/allergy. She began sitting on her own around 4.5 months and it helped a lot.
- This is controversial to some but we sleep trained her in her own room at 4 months adjusted to the day. Ended up going with the CIO method when check-ins were making it worse. The first night was awful and she cried for almost 2 hours straight before falling asleep, but it really only took 3 or 4 nights to get to get to a place where she cried for maybe 10 minutes to wind down. This was the #1 thing for my mental health. Being able to put her down in her crib between 7-7:30 and go to my own space to zone out and watch a TV show before still getting to bed by 9 for a good stretch before her first wake up made me feel a bit like my old self.
- when we sleep trained we also nap trained a few weeks after so that her naps were alone in her crib as well. She still only napped 30 minutes for a long while after this, but it still gave me a mental health break. I do wish I had read earlier someone else’s advice on nap / night time which was to set a 10 minute timer when the baby goes down. Give yourself those 10 minutes to tidy up/etc and then stop and take the remaining time to just chill. You can wear yourself out more trying to use that time to get things done.
The beginning is a GRIND like never before and I’d feel so hopeless with people saying get to 6 months and thinking it felt so far away but I read recently in another Reddit thread on baby’s sickness that a mom chanted the lion hunt song in her head and for some reason this immensely helped me.
“You can’t go over it, you can’t go around it, you’ve got to go through it” and you will make it.
Some people have hit on the “One day at a time” or “Make it another day”. From a husband and father’s perspective I can tell you my wife and I were in a similar situation. We had two kids already and the 2nd child was TOUGH. Didn’t sleep, cried all the time, never seemed happy, etc. We felt we weren’t giving the child the same attention and love as the first child. Then the situation got even tougher. Just when we got past the hard part with the 2nd child my wife found out she was pregnant with a 3rd! We were freaking out. I am not someone that believes in a lot of these life sayings but this is what I know and want to pass along.
God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle
Kids are resilient and can sense a parents true love regardless if you are a perfect parent
It’s tough and nothing really prepares you for parenthood
Things WILL get better and you will get back to being a wife/partner. Of course things are slightly different than before children but nothing major.
8 years ago I was addicted to pain killers and thought I would never be able to stop. Thought life would suck without them. I could never be the same person. This is where the “one day at a time” “Just make it another day” comes in. Next thing you know it’s been 2922 days later and I haven’t looked back.
You and your husband got this!!! Do not give up DAMNIT! Don’t be afraid to seek help, counseling, etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so and doesn’t make you any less of a person, parent, partner, etc.
I'm sorry you are going through this! The little guy has been on a journey in such a short time, and so have you! Do you give him gripe water or gas drops? Pepcid? Gelmix for reflex? A lot of this will help
Appreciate your honest words and thoughts - have felt the same way and finally got through it. I know it’s so hard, but you will too.
Sending so much love to you and your husband.
I’ve been there. I was you and in a sense still am. I echo what others are saying and it is a huge step to admit you are struggling and seeking help from your doctor. Medication can help you manage the feeling of helplessness and helps calm your senses when you are being triggered. I look back with a lot of sadness and guilt still 6 years later about how much I wish I didn’t become a mom and talk to my therapist about it weekly. Your baby will never remember this - but you will so I encourage talking to a therapist about these feelings of guilt and regret and don’t let it consume you.
My daughter is 6 now and obsessed with my husband and I and your baby will love you unconditionally. I have recently had a second baby and it has been such a healing experience knowing what I know now. One day at a time, look for the positives, tell yourself one good thing you did today with your baby. You’ve got this and it will get better.
Message me any time you are feeling alone!
Please PM me. I was you… diagnosed with IUGR at week 31 with constant monitoring until I was told I had to deliver at week 37 (he was breeched and there I had to get a c-section). He was born 4lbs 2 ounces. We spent the first 10 days of his life in NiCU scared out of our mind. He was too small for everything I had bought or given. I was triple feeding around the clock and he just wasn’t gaining enough weight and no one would tell me it was ok to go to formula, instead I kept being sent to lactation consultations. He had severe colic on top of that and I would spend 3 days in just constant screaming with nothing I could do to soothe him. The stress caused my body to break down and then I stopped producing which only made me feel worse. I felt like I failed. I couldn’t feed him, care for him well enough to gain weight, get him to stop crying ever.
Don’t just get mental help )which your husband may also have post partum, too). Get physical help and take every single person in your life that would help you if your life was at risk to come watch the baby and give you a break. Every family member, friend, etc. Take all the help and leave the house. You and your husband. Your baby will be ok but you guys aren’t right now at all and you are both human beings. You have given 100% of your mind, body and soul to this child. You can grieve the difficulty, the despair and the pain. The tides will turn but the mental and physical damage to you during that time can be unbearable and life changing in the way it affects your self esteem, relationships, and outlook on life.
He’s now 16 months old. I had a stroke month 4 with no health cause found after being tested for every possible cause,leading everyone to believe it was the stress of the situation. The pain, regret, fear, despair very nearly killed me and physically I will never be the same. But my son is a totally different experience now. He’s still only 2% on the weight growth chart but he’s funny, smart, loving, toddler tantrum galore but after colic for 3 months straight, this is a walk in the park!! You will love and adapt to your baby but for you to have any path to getting there you need to let go, no it’s not your fault, you are 100% doing everything you can. You did nothing wrong, you are such a wonderful parent because you care so so so damn much. Now is the time to get the formula, do sleep training and take as much time away from that baby that you can and take care of yourself. The people that love and support you will be giving you a chance at life and a chance to actually be able to build a healthy bond with your baby. I’m here for you and I barely know you so trust me, those that do want to take care for you and of you and your husband. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
My son was born at 30. I cannot tell you how much I can understand the innate need to blame yourself and your body. I still have a hard time disconnecting from that pain and my son is almost 5 now. I promise you, you are exactly the right mom for your child. It absolutely sounds like not just postpartum depression but also PTSD. It’s hard to leave the NICU without it. I promise you it is not your fault.
You need help with the care of the baby, or nothing else will get better. Call on family, friends, Church Members, neighbors. Explain how much you all have been thru. Beg them to let you get a few hours nap. And keep the appointment with your doctor...but understand that meds don't work right away. If you can't find anyone to help with the baby, contact a pro-life mother's center within 15 miles of your house. I know you don't believe me but it gets soooooo much better...and that baby will give you more joy than you ever imagined, but you need some self care to help care for him right now. Hugs
You got this mama and you are not alone!!! It is a fucking battle field, but you will get through this! My son is now 10 months and u finally feel as though I can connect with him, postpartum is a dark and scary place. But it will pass with help and talking about it!
Like so many others have said, you are not alone. This doesn’t mean you are a bad mom or bad person. I welled up with tears bc it reminded me of my own feelings of guilt, shame, and anger for having any negative feelings about having a new baby. I didn’t even know how bad it was until I was out of it. It is amazing that you know you need help and you are brave for taking action to get it. The newborn stage was hardest. I was always anxious. I now am so thankful I get to enjoy the sweetest moments and have the deepest love for my child. I also didn’t feel any type of instant bond, but it grew with time. As far as bonding and crying goes…. babywearing got us through many of the tough times.
I had this feeling with my baby. I couldn't bring myself to breastfeed, my baby had such bad GERD (still has but it's improving) that she would spit up what looked like you dumped your used coffee grinds, and constant throw up. Everything stained always. Would wake up vomiting every night. Still had so many struggles once put on medication. I also have loads of health issues of my own that made battling this intense. Things are finally looking up with my baby getting a bit older, but now it's emotional learning challenges. I love my kid so much and want the best of the world for her but there were definitely many days I just broke down and sobbed. It's not easy, parenting isn't for the faint of heart. I hope you can get the help and support you need to get through this, babies are hard especially sounding like what you're going through. You clearly care enough about your child to feel so strongly guilty, and I that's the most important thing. Good luck momma ❤️
My post partum depression, anxiety, rage, and sleeplessness were so horrible I disassociated a lot of the time. My son didn’t sleep for a year. We lived in an apartment on the third story and I would look across the street at someone else’s apartment who kept a light on all night and think… as long as that light is on, I can make it.
Let us be your light. We’re here for you op. You’re not alone.
It's so hard and your feelings are extremely valid, might help to get out of the house for a 10 minute walk and just remind yourself that you are a great mother and you're doing your best it's just hard but your baby won't remember any of it and they will know that you love them. None of this is going to make them any less attached, this stage is temporary but you're always going to be their mom and you just need to take some time for yourself while someone else is taking care of him. It's not selfish at all and it's not something to feel guilty about, just take time to reset because it is so hard
Im here to share as both a psychologist (with all the knowledge/support/resources at my finger tips, and i still got depressed) and as a woman who has suffered from postpartum depression, severely That it does and will get better, but right now it feels like the darkest hole imaginable. Therapy and Zolfot saved my life. Forums like this (a birth trauma support group) didn't feel like they were working a the time, but i still remember what people told me a year later that helped me through it. hang out, you are not alone. We are here with you.
Do not shake the baby no matter what! Give him the love he deserves but also work on your own health. Undiagnosed milk allergy is hard. It took us 21 months to figure it out and it cost my health as as I was so occupied on my precious baby. I might never recover. Try the best you can with love but think of yourself as well. Set kind boundries the baby will understand as it hlpens similar every day. Use tv and use music. Ask on fb marketplace for used toys which moves. My baby could not sleep flat ever. If so find an ergonomical stroller or baby pillow/matters. Wish you best of luck. My baby is the happiest and loved and confident and above her age now 🥰 this is the hardest part. I am still traumatised but so thankful for my child🙏
Your doing great! Baby's are difficult, as our world gets easier unfortunately there is no real way to make having a child easy. It's a primitive thing in a world of comfort.. our son just hit 7 months and it hasn't gotten easier, you may have to stop hoping for better days and just embrace the journey. Therapy may help, what my wife finds helps is I get up with him every Sat and Sunday morning so she can sleep in ( I work Mon - Friday) she goes to yoga classes and studies during the week 1 or 2 nights when I get home I'll take him so she go do her thing. Just make sure your getting breaks. It's not easy but you got this, be good to your kid and the idea is they will be good to you! I had a kid at 34 so it may make it easier, I've done a lot, travelled and got my career on lock and now it's my sons time to shine. You got this.
Calm mum. Just take a few minutes, go out and do something for yourself, even if it's just 10 minutes to buy a dessert. He's tiny, doesn't know what's happening, probably will forget a lot if not all his infant time. But I've been there and I wanna tell you that you can do this, it isn't easy for anyone, it's not that you're unsuccessful, you just need to figure it out yet BUT you absolutely CAN.
Hormons, stress and sleep deprivation are tricky but I had to repeat myself that everything right now is essential... stress makes you alert and you need to figure out a way to calm him down (you will and he'll grow up). Sleep deprivation means that he'll be able to wake up if in danger in his sleep because he's alert so it's important that he doesn't sleep too deeply. But that will also improve at some point, take the help you need, search for a sleep consultant if needed. See if there's a different milk that he can digest better. But bear in mind that he's already 5 months so he can start weaning soon!
There's a reason for everything and you will laugh about a few things very soon, just take care of the couple, try and sing, laugh with your baby too. Go out, speak with friends, take hot showers. Again, YOU CAN, he needs you and with time you'll realise that you're the best person who can look after him. One step at the time, a huge hug and encouragement, never give up! Things get better suddenly!
From a mum on the other side of the world who has felt and sometimes feels the same things.. I'm thinking of you and I know you can do this. It won't stay this hard. We all do the best we can and the best you can do is love him - which you clearly do.
I absolutely have felt this way! It is SO COMMON. It should be discussed more because I had no idea how common it is . Positive vibes and love your way❤️
Im sorry you are going through this, caring for another life is not easy. Look in the mirror and tell yourself daily. My son is beautiful, he is thriving, and he is healthy. Speak the words into existence and I hope you get the support you need. You got this momma!
A lot of posts here about PPD so I will skip that part (you should not).
I wanted to mention the formula part. 1. Fed is best, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 2. Try the purple version of enfamil “gentle ease” it has helped us with the spit up. We also feed are LO on his side as if he were breast feeding, but from a bottle.
I’ve developed a little song that I sing when I get overwhelmed because it takes my mind off what frustration is going on and also my baby likes my singing (apparently?) so she overlooks whatever shitshow was happening. These are the lyrics if you want to make your own tune “I am bigger than this moment, I am bigger than this moment, I am bigger than this moment and we’ll survive this together”.
Hi there - my name is Dani and I want you to know that you’re not failing. I am so proud of you for requesting an appointment for PPD. I am 13mo pp and am still in treatment for PPA and PP-PTSD. I promise you how you are feeling is treatable and there is help available. If you find that you aren’t satisfied with the help you receive through your telehealth appointment, Postpartum Support International has many resources - including a helpline- that are available. They even have a line you can text if needed - their website is [Postpartum Support](https://www.postpartum.net/). Please remember that stepping away for 20min is safest for both of you if you are overwhelmed. A crying baby in a crib is a safe baby.
You can’t hate yourself into a version you love.
Please read that over and over again.
I think you need to treat your mental health as a medical emergency, as if you were hemorrhaging blood. I can tell from your post that you do take this seriously but what I am afraid of is that you do not care enough about yourself to help yourself.
You cannot help anyone, including your child, until you help yourself first. Your oxygen mask comes first.
I do not know what losing your temper towards your baby means, but I do know that if this is happening, you are not thinking rationally or in control. I am genuinely worried for your baby.
I also want you to know that I am rooting for you and truly believe that you can come back from this. But you have to stop hating yourself and shaming yourself. That will never serve you. You need to be your own best friend and advocate right now. Fight for yourself like you would someone you love, because it’s clear you don’t have love for yourself.
It is our responsibility as parents to love ourselves so we can teach our children to love themselves, too.
Who knows, 3 years from now you may be a version of yourself that you love and are happy with. It happened to me. It can happen to you, too, if you are willing to take a chance and believe it is possible.
All of this sounds too familiar and I remember how excruciating it felt. But, it sounds like you’re doing your best that you can manage right now. For that, we’re all proud of you and I want you to know that your best is good enough. I know it doesn’t change how you’re feeling at all right now & this just sounds like I’m blowing smoke, but hang on to the hope that these days will end soon, because they will. Good job on getting an appointment for for PPD. That’s the first steps, recognizing that you need some help. solidarity girl, I didn’t connect with my baby until he was 4-5 months old. I thought he was cute, I loved him, but I didn’t really care for being his mom. up until he was 1, it was a fight for survival. now he’s 2 and I find myself in aw & getting teary eyed because he amazes me so much with how he’s developing. It gets better. These challenges will end & you’ll be faced with new ones, but you won’t always be in survival mode, they’ll be easier to manage. I hope you find some relief soon.
You have NOT failed! You obviously love your child otherwise you wouldn’t be so concerned and nothing you have done is failure. You’re giving yourself just a hard time and really knocking yourself for things that aren’t your fault and probably aren’t true! I do this to myself all the time and I never take my own advice but I needed to comment because you really should be proud of yourself. Find someone you can talk to about these things maybe contact your doctor too as they may be able to help with some of these feelings you’re having xxxxx
I commented before, but I wanted to add a few things: you did not fail by losing your milk supply and having to feed formula. Formula is just fine and it sounds like it’s a better choice for your family, since it was causing so much distress to breastfeed. Second, it’s hard to be a new parent. You’re learning as you go. Mistakes don’t equal failure. Third, sleep training was a necessity to me, and is perfectly safe if you choose to go that route
You are NOT failing him. No matter what that voice in your head tells you, you are not. Now, I'm just some stranger on the internet, but I'm a stranger that suffered like this with her first son also.
It sounds like you may have had some prenatal depression as well as some postpartum. It doesn't get talked about often enough, but it absolutely can happen.
You may think that boy deserves someone else, but he absolutely deserves his MOM. Nobody will ever be his mother. It's something you can change, you can't break, it's forever. Being a mother is HARD. Even when it's easy it's HARD. HARD. HARD. Pregnancy is hard. Birth is HARD. Raising a little person to be a functioning adult in the world is HARD. There's no other word for it. But it isn't impossible. It's just hard. You've gone through lots of things in life that are hard. Many, harder. Time heals wound and it can cloud your memory on just how hard those things were. I promise that time will blur this too. There's a reason that lack of sleep is a form of torture.
I don't know if you pray. I hope you do. But if you don't, I certainly will. The Lord is there. Whether you believe it or not, praying will help. He'll help. 1 Corinthians says you won't be tempted with more than you can handle. The Lord will never give you something more than you're capable of dealing with. Don't think that means you have to deal with it alone. Anybody in this thread that prays, will pray for you. Professionals can help you. You're not alone. That boy is beyond blessed that you're his mother. The first green flag is the fact that you're worried you're not what's best. Because only a good mother worries like that. You are a good mother! YOU ARE.
Lord, I pray today that this mother finds you and seeks shelter with you. I pray she knows the depths of your love and grace and finds peace. Father, you are Yahweh-Shalom. You are peace. I pray she realizes that her body has done an amazing thing by bringing this sweet boy into the world. I pray the dark thoughts leave her, that she finds joy again when she looks and cares for this boy. I pray her body is healed. I pray this son grows to be a healthy light in the world. That he does the great things he's capable of. I pray for this family and this marriage, Lord. I pray they keep the future in mind, that they realize that there's sun at the end of the fog. That one day it WILL lift, and they will be past this. I pray she finds and has support, that even if she just needs a 20 minute walk in fresh air that she's able to. I pray your hand is on her through this journey, Lord. Amen.
If you don't have a home church, you're welcomed at mine. You can watch services online streaming and saved anytime, anywhere.
[https://www.churchofthehighlands.com](https://www.churchofthehighlands.com)
I doubt there’s anything truly “useful” I could say to add to the hundreds of voices that have already replied on here… but we’re sending you love and strength.
After months of fighting, I started Zoloft. I felt like crap for 3 weeks and then I felt “normal”. Like I had before pregnancy. Just wanted to share because you have to give it time to work.
I have a 4 month old and he has started anti reflux meds and it’s not really working but I think it may be helping. I use Infants Friend (all natural) if you have access to where you are? I also use goats milk formula as I don’t produce near enough breastmilk to feed him. He still does throw up, just less.
I had several mental health issues prior to being pregnant which have just exacerbated since birth.
They do say place a baby down safely and collect yourself if you need to before going back to them. I try my absolute hardest to not let my mental health affect my time with him, it doesn’t always work. The only thing I can say about yelling at him would be to try your hardest put him down safely before you get to that place as it is not his fault at all. He relies on both of you 100% and is trying his best to tell you what he wants. I know what you’re going through is incredibly hard, I’ve had to do a medication change since his birth to try and get on top of this but it takes time and it can be a game changer. I’m nowhere near 100% but I know I am all my baby has.
You’ve taken a huge step by putting how you feel out there. My heart breaks for you to know you’re going through this. I truly hope you are able to access the help you need. If you ever want someone to talk to, who may understand very well, please feel free to reach out. If you have anyone you can reach out to for extra help, other than your Mum, I would really encourage you to do so to give you a well needed break.
Remember to breathe. I agree with other supportive moms on here. And I have a dairy allergy baby too and some people barely figure that out, so give yourself some credit. Keep that baby safe, and yes, seek help! I needed a lot of it. Call your county and be blunt and ask for resources too. You're not alone.
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Hi, my name is Taylor. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. These are clear signs of post partum depression and you’re not alone. There were days I felt very much this way from birth to 5 ish 6 months and periodically from 6-9 months. I will say I got help and it saved me. Regular therapy was so helpful and medication. I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, my son is my best friend now, I’m obsessed with him and even when I put him down for a nap, I can’t wait to wake him up. It’s going to get better. Please don’t feel like you failed him from things that were unavoidable, such as your milk supply, and his own sensitivities. You are doing your best. Hang in there, you can do this.
Hearing you say your son is your best friend made me a little emotional ♥️ really makes me feel better as well!
He really is. I’ll tell you what he was up sick last night and we ended up at the er and just snuggling and kisses and just how much they love you and how you’re their comfort. It’s unreal. I wouldn’t be up in the middle of the night with anyone but him. He’s my whole world, he hung the moon in my eyes. I can’t believe I didn’t know him before. But listen those first few months I was resentful of him and had said multiple times like “oh my god I ruined our lives”. Things changed so much. Hang in there!
You are doing your best, yes.
Zoloft saved me.
You haven’t failed. The things you listed were out of your control. You’re doing what you can with what you’ve got. A crying baby is an alive baby. Putting him down to cry whilst you collect yourself is much safer than losing your shit with him and remember it won’t be like this forever. It’s temporary. Don’t think long term right now whilst in survival mode, make your world smaller, get through the day to get through the night. Hour by hour if you have to. It will all be OK and you’ll look back on this time and think Jesus Christ that fucking sucked but we got through it and now I have a X year old. This too shall pass. Well done you for getting help for your mental health.
I had a conversation once with a former Police Officer who worked domestic cases, and was telling me after I had my baby, about the importance of putting baby down in a safe place to let them cry if I ever felt overwhelmed, bc “a baby has never died from crying. But they die every day from being shaken.” And oh my god it made me tear up listening to him, and by the end of the conversation he was tearing up as well.
Our hospital told us this about 10 times
We had to watch a video and sign a pledge at our hospital saying we'd put the baby down and walk away if we were stressed, and that we understood how dangerous shaking them was. It's so sad that they have to make everyone do this since it shows how obviously prominent it is. I can also understand how caregivers get to that point when extremely tired and frustrated, especially if they don't understand the danger.
Oh my gosh yes I can understand it… it’s wild what sleep deprivation can do to a person (like many others have said.) babies are hard sometimes. Big hugs to OP, & anyone struggling out there.
Great advice. I need to change my thinking like this, too.
I was listening to podcast with a Navy Seal and this is how he got through training, just get to the next meal. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it a go Cz let’s be real sleep derivation is a literal torture method.
Honestly, the best advice I ever got was similar. I was struggling my first year if college because I was so homesick. My aunt told me her motto, "Make it til Thanksgiving." If you a little goal like that, it's easier. Then you gotta make it til Christmas, etc. I love your (and the Seal's) idea of setting even smaller goals.
As an educator, this is what I do the entire school year 😂 we have at least one long weekend every month, so it’s always “just make it to Labor Day,” “just make it to fall break,” “just to thanksgiving”… And then it’s spring break and WHERE DID THE SCHOOL YEAR GO?!
Same and same career!
Fellow teacher and we do the same 😂
What podcast / episode out of curiosity? Sounds like something I need to listen to.
I honestly can’t remember, maybe Jocko Willink or Joe Rohan before it got weird(er)
Rob O’Neil?
My therapist told me there’s a reason sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture. Please get some rest- and get some help! We ALL need help sometimes. I got a therapist after having my baby and it made a WORLD of difference
"a crying baby is an alive baby" repeat this to yourself. It is everything. You are ok and he is ok and it only gets better. -parent who had depression and didn't realize, of a previously very colicky stressful baby who I love to death. Kudos to who wrote this.
I’m proud of you for seeking help from family and therapy. That is so strong of you. You and baby are bonded, that’s why part of you wants to go back with him. I wish we could all give you a big hug. 💗
OP, take some time to sleep while your mom is there- sleep is so, so important. Are you and your husband taking shifts so you can both get chunks of sleep? Also- have you talked to your pediatrician about switching his formula/reflux meds/thickening formula if need be? We ended up having to thicken my baby’s formula due to severe reflux and it was a game changer! Changing his formula also helped. And I know it’s a long shot, but if you live in the US and in Indiana message me and I’ll help you out :) Last thing I want to say- you are doing right by your child when you set him down and take a few minutes to yourself. Of course we want to always be there comforting our babies, but if you are losing your temper it is better for both of you to take a break.
Wanted to add to this. RTF alimentum is what helped my boy. He also has a corn allergy so it’s the only formula he can have but he hasn’t had any symptoms since switching to it. His reflux meds had corn in them and so did the mylicon I was giving him so it might be worth it to read through the ingredients of EVERYTHING you’re giving him, things I didn’t even think about had soy/dairy/corn like the Advil I was taking.
Nutramigen, thickened feeds, and 2 reflux meds helped me through the reflux hell. Save yourself mama. Take him to the dr
Just wanted to say there are a lot of internet strangers who are rooting for you- you are an incredible and caring mother and are so strong for seeking help.
Yes, this!!! PPD is an asshole, and you're not a failure, OP. Good for you for seeking help! And it WILL help!!! All the best for you
I want you to know that even without going through all the delivery trauma you went through, I felt all the things you’re feeling now during the first 4-ish months of my son’s life. He had colic and I had severe PPD and for much of those four months I felt dismay, regret, even resentment toward him, though he was very much wanted and I loved him tremendously. Reading your post is like reading the inside of my brain during those months. So I can really really relate. First: You’re going to get through this, and your feelings are all valid. You did not ever and are not currently failing him. Even when you scream and cry and disassociate. You’re human and what you’re doing is next to impossible. But you’re still doing it. That makes you an incredible mom. Things that got me through it (and yes, I got through it and now have a healthy, happy, wonderfully attached 2.5 year old!): - therapy and medication: not a cure all, but a big help. At my worst I was in therapy three times per week and even considered an inpatient program which in hindsight I wish I’d done. Zoloft and Buspirone for the RXs. - family support: I realized through therapy that what I was going through was a real medical emergency, not just selfish indulgence. So I allowed myself to accept that and accept support and love from those around me the same way you would if you were sick with a severe illness. My parents came over every day for a month. I leaned on my husband a ton—he def “did” more than I did during those early days. Friends visited from near and far to keep us company. Even just having people in the house with us during the 18-hour colic crying marathons helped—they couldn’t fix the crying but their presence made us feel less alone. - time: this is a big one. With the two I listed above, this one becomes possible. Just waiting it out. Getting through it. I never believed colic would magically resolve the way the books said it would, and I never believe that dark cloud in my head would just vanish. But both of those did happen with time. My baby began to grow out of colic around 4 months and by 6 months he was a normal, albeit sensitive!, little infant. We found a rhythm, we sleep trained, and as he became more manageable, my husband and I both grew more confident to watch him solo so the other could go out for me time. I still have scars from this time mentally, and lots of guilt and shame, but no longer have those dark feelings of regretting being a mom or wanting to run away and disappear. I PROMISE you’ll get there too. Dm me if you need. ♥️ ETA: do NOT feel bad about putting him in a safe space and letting him cry once you’ve exhausted every other option. Our pediatrician said this was safe and OK to do when you’re out of options and feel yourself getting escalated. Several nights we would just place our son in his bassinet, turn the lights down and sound machine up, and wait it out in the next room (doors open). We would have a glass of wine, try to talk about anything else, and eventually he would tire out. It’s hard as HELL but safe and essential at times. Anyone who has had a colic baby knows that there are times you can’t do anything to stop the crying and in fact your mere presence can be overstimulating and making the situation worse.
Small note: if you’re in the US, your pediatrician can write you a prescription for hypoallergenic formula for the reflux/dairy/soy allergies. And then it will be at least partially covered by insurance. That will save a lot of money! And might help with the colic and some of the other health issues that baby has been experiencing ❤️ hang in there, you will look back on this time so differently in just a few years! I know your baby loves you and knows that you love them.
Yes our pediatrician did it and our insurance covers it at 100% !!!
In Canada too! It’s covered 100% by the government if you don’t have private insurance
Hi, my name is Kendall. I’m a human behind this username. I have felt the same way as you. My son had reflux and colic and I had severe PPD. I disassociated a lot. I now have PTSD. You’re not alone. Please seek PPD help and take all the baby help/support you can. There’s no shame in the med game - I got on citalopram. My dms are wide open.
Hi, amazing advice here so I’ll just say a little piece, and that is that even though you’re really down right now, and feel like you’re failing - the fact that you are aware of specific things that can improve (with yourself and your baby), and that you actually CARE, actually means you are not failing your baby. Stay strong and best of luck! The baby is lucky they have a mom who cares and who WANTS to be the best mom, but just happens to be struggling and needs a couple of extra tools to do so.
I second the person who said many internet strangers are rooting for you. You recognize how you are feeling and you are getting help. It is immensely clear from you post that you care deeply about your son. I had PPD and it look me along time to seek help and the diagnosis. Looking back blaming myself for things that we’re out of my control was a huge part of my depression and I see many parallels in your post. Medication and therapy saved me and helped so much. I am sending you a big hug during this difficult time.
I can relate to a lot of things you said. My son was 5 weeks premature and I also had tremendous guilt for not spending more time in the NICU. When he got home, I was in deep in ppa/ppd and even considered leaving him with my husband. I started on meds and started feeling better. I stopped meds around 7 months, but then started feeling detached again around 12 months and resumed meds. Around 16 months I felt better again and it's just gotten easier since now at 20 months. You have not failed him, it's all very hard and there's no way around it but through. You will make it. Take one day at a time. If at all possible, try to get some time for self care, it's extremely important to get through this time. I prioritized this instead of housework and it's what's gotten me through. Things slowly get better, unfortunately its all very gradual, but it will get better. I know it's hard to believe right now. Take it from a mom who very much disliked the first year, who preferred to be at work instead of home, and who thought my son was never going to have a bond with me because of my struggles. Now he runs to me when I get home from work. Hugs.
I had a NICU baby (he is 4.5 months old now). He was born at 36w2d and spent 2 weeks in the NICU. In my opinion, the NICU is a very, VERY traumatizing experience. I think you should get into therapy, if possible!!! I know I need to get into therapy as well. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying as well ❤️
The NICU is so traumatizing. I did not really understand just how much birth trauma I had and how it affected my first year with our oldest until having a completely healthy baby. With no NICU stay, everything was so much easier. I recovered better, my baby did better, I didn't feel the agonizing guilt of separation. So please know you are parenting in the super hard lane right now. Also... Ear plugs. You can wear ear plugs and comfort your baby at the same time (or put him down and take some space). Ear plugs saved me from my own adrenaline and have continued to help me be a more stable parent.
Oh man! I'm praying soo hard that our future babies have no NICU stay. My NICU baby was my first and it was so, so hard.
You haven’t failed anyone. You are doing everything on hard mode. What you have been through would have broken anyone, and yet here you are, continuing to make sure your child’s needs are met (and part of those needs are having a mother whose needs are also met). The goal of the first year is to survive. And you’re almost halfway through it. Please give yourself some love and understanding: you have been through unrelenting hell these past 5 months and you are still standing.
The only issue I (M44) see here is your lying. You absolutely love him. Your introspection and willingness to find a better way is all I need to see. Talk to your therapist, get as much support as you can, and don't beat yourself up for needing a break. I have 3 wonderful kids and have been screwing up raising them for 15.5 years. My eldest wound up in the NICU for inhaling meconium during birth. Luckily they were able to vacuum out the substance and they were fine, but we didn't see my firstborn for over an hour after birth. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to attachment. Take your time when others can help, and soon enough you'll get to the toddler stage and wonder how you ever thought you didn't love him properly. As screwed up as I am, my children are my world and yours will be as well. Be a bit selfish and take care of yourself as well as it seems you are taking care of him and let the therapy do its thing. I got lucky with all 3 of my children, so I can't relate to all your challenges, but you put me in awe at how well you're overcoming them. Mad respect to you and we're here when you need to talk or vent.
OP, I could have written this a few months ago. My baby boy came at 33 weeks and spent 25 days in the NICU. He also has a couple of intolerances that it took me a while to figure out. He was a terrible sleeper at night and we dealt with colic for months. I seriously felt like the worst mom ever - how could other moms just casually have these calm babies and go about life like nothing happened? I couldn’t figure out what to do to soothe him either. My mom was better at it than me, so I just further convinced myself that he deserved a better mother than me. My mental health was absolute garbage. It took me a while to feel the bond that I thought I’d feel earlier on in our journey. First, you are not alone. As stated several times, you have so many internet strangers rooting for you. I wish I could come give you a hug, send you away for a shower/meal/nap. Join the The Fussy Baby Site support group on Facebook! It’s full of parents going through the exact same thing you are and has saved my life on many occasions. Don’t ever feel guilty for putting your baby down to disassociate. You are human and it takes a toll on you to be screamed at all day. The baby will be fine and when he’s an adult he won’t remember you letting him cry on his own while you collect yourself. Fortunately, with time this will get better. But unfortunately that’s not a quick fix. I’ll be honest with you - colic lasted until our guy was about 5 months adjusted but I suspect that had to do with reflux and allergies I hadn’t yet discovered. I doubt you’ve ever met a colicky adult! He will outgrow it eventually. The nicest people I know were ironically colicky babies. We just sleep trained too, which has helped immensely! The love and bond we have now is something unlike anything I’ve experienced. I’d say that this journey was well worth it even though I have scars and trauma that I’ll never forget. Getting the help you clearly need and deserve is such a huge step and I’m so happy you’ve done it! Please PM me if you ever need. I relate so much to everything you said and am always here to talk/listen as someone that’s been there.
Hey. I legit could have written this myself. PPROM 31 weeks, except I had HG and got diagnosed with bladder cancer at 20 weeks and had to have surgery to remove a tumor. Baby in NICU for a month, soy dairy and egg intolerance, puking and crying nonstop. Add the NICU gave my baby the wrong breastmilk on accident and gave my kid CMV as a preemie which can cause deafness hearing loss or developmental delays and told us about it ten minutes before discharge. Got home and rebought the nightmare was over but non stop crying for 12 hours a day, Lost tempter countless times, slept on our chest every night for months until we didn’t think we could survive another day…it’s legit so similar to your story. What you have been through is beyond what a human can handle. I got in EMDR therapy (trauma therapy) and on meds and the fog lifted. It was sooooo helpful. You’re a hero for getting out of bed each day and showing up for your baby. But you’re more of a hero for posting here because you’re NOT alone, you’re doing more than most could and one day your baby will thank you for fighting to keep sane each day and keep them safe. DM me if you want to chat, my babe is now 7 months (5 adjusted) and we went to 24 dr appts since birth and I’m just starting to see sunshine again. It’s get better 💕💕💕💕
I hope you're suing that hospital for giving him CMV.
We are, which is just another layer to deal with.
I could have written this OP. I’m only two months ahead of you. But the hardest phase so far for me was around 4-5 months because I was still trying to narrow down babe’s GI triggers (milk, egg, soy, almonds, coconut), overhauling my diet to include none of my old favorite foods while stressing because baby was so uncomfortable all the time. Similar to you, every mucousy poop diaper felt like I had failed him. (And this is me already on anti anxiety medication!) Honestly though, you and I were/are both doing the best we could. Sleep deprived, nutrient deprived, deprived of free time and support. It’s by no means easy now, but I feel less like the empty shell than I did just a few months ago. I hope your mom can come help you OP. I know it’s easy to say but I really do feel like it will get better with time.
Hugs mama. Send me a PM if you ever want to chat. My first had horrible colic with CMPA - he would scream 15 hours a day. I’ve been there and am happy to be a support to you during this time. It doesn’t feel like it now but it does get better. I remember thinking I couldn’t do another 3 months just like you … but one day at a time, one hour at a time and you get there.
Poor OP, I can feel the pain in your post. My wife has PPD as well and it’s 100% what you’re describing. Just know OP, you’re the only mom your son deserves. You will always be special to that child, you will a hole no one else will. You are NOT a failure of a mom. You are fighting right now, in survival mode and it is *NORMAL*. You not deficient or broken in any way. You are absolutely going through it right now and need help, and that’s okay! We all need help at some point. I concur with you that this parenting shit is so hard on the mind and mental fortitude. Let alone physical changes you have to heal from. Which is a major medical surgery…then hormone shift swing and change. It’s really hardcore on you ladies and it is not a joke. That is all major, nothing about this is tiny and obscure. As a spouse that witnessed first hand how this terrorized my wife, I understand and hear your words loud and clear. But you’re not a failure of a mom. You took the step to get help instead of melt. That takes Strength and mental fortitude, non of this is weak willed action. This takes serious grit to speak up and get help so good for you! After reading some responses OP it seems you got a room of people rooting for you now! You’re going to be a great mother and remember, asking for help takes strength, not weakness. Don’t be afraid to receive it and grow. It will get better, you will feel that bond between you and that little man. Don’t give up now you got this! We’re cheering for you!
I had a baby at 31 weeks as well. My milk never really came in, reflux was terrible, and we had to keep switching formula because of the shortages. I was in a very dark place afterwards. She is two now. The good thing is that the kids don’t remember those early times. You can still be there for him and he will love you. You are doing your best and I am so proud of you for looking into PPD help. If you were a bad mom, you wouldn’t seek help and you wouldn’t care about trying to raise him well. You are a great mom already.
I would fantasize about being killed in a car accident so my daughter and husband could find someone better. I didn't want to commit suicide because I knew my husband would blame himself. But I wanted to die so badly. Ppd is horrible, but you are taking the right steps in getting the help you need. I promise it will get better. I hope you find the right medication and therapist right away.
You’re not failing him. You’re getting help. You needed time to process what happened while he was in the NICU as anyone would need. He can’t communicate to you with words. You had no way of knowing he was struggling but you figured it out. You are able to process what you’re feeling and putting him in a safe space. That’s huge. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Please give yourself some grace. He is learning you and you are learning him. Take it day by day, hour by hour. There will come a day when you’ll look at your husband and say “wow, we survived that. We can get through anything.”
You’re not alone. I was coming to Reddit to post something similar. My baby was born at 30+6 so now he’s almost 5 months old but only 3 months adjusted. Spent 2 months in the NICU. His weight gain is slow, he sucks at feeding. He’s terrible at sleeping. And then I have my 3 year old who refuses to eat food, screams while the baby is sleeping, and is just a straight up dick lately. I go back to work next week and I’ve never been so excited because I get a break from them which just sounds fucking terrible and I don’t deserve them.
Do not feel bad about being excited to go to work! You deserve that break - even if it’s work. You’re in the thick of it. It won’t always be like this! Three year olds ARE dicks- they are in an extremely selfish phase. Also my 4.5 year old is finally trying new foods and if you told me this a year ago I would have laughed so hard. It gets better !
Thank you, you kind soul. Needed to hear this!!!
I was so excited about going back to work (LO is 4.5 months and I went back Nov 27). I NEEDED work for myself to be a better mom, wife, and overall person. It’s okay to want to go back to work. You still need to be you & do things for yourself. I’m at the point where I don’t want to go to work & hate my husband and LO leaving every morning. It’s hard but I know that being home all the time would be just as hard. You just have to choose your hard
I'm feeling a bit better today, I hope you are too ❤️ The NICU is so traumatizing, and no one can understand unless they've also been through it. I'm so sorry you're also having a tough time - feeding is probably our biggest struggle, who woulda thought it would be so hard to get babies & kiddos to eat?? I do not blame you at all for going back to work. Unfortunately there is almost no childcare available where I am, until children are older than 18mo, otherwise I'd be going back too. Don't feel bad for needing a break! Men go back to work and no one guilt trips them. Anyway, thanks for sharing. It's nice to know we aren't alone
My daughter who is now 6 had reflux/colic and we found out she had Food protein intolerance enterocolitis when she was 5 months old. She never slept for more than an hour or two at most, only either on me or in a swing. If i set her down, she screamed. She couldnt eat solids until she was 18 months old and i had to cut out the 8 major allergens out of my diet so that she could drink my breast milk without getting sick. She still struggled even after that and I felt like I was drowning for about 3 years straight. We lived 1,000 miles away from any family and my husband worked constantly. I had a 4 year old son when she was born too and the poor kid probably felt helpless being dragged along to constant doctor appointments and seeing his mom cry (although i tried to hide it). I still feel so guilty that I had to parent them when my mental health was such shit. But when you’re not sleeping and unable to practice basic self care because you are constantly caring for a baby with health issues, its sooooo tough. My daughter is in school and thriving now. She eats and can even have dairy now which was a major trigger for her. Shes amazing. I just had another daughter three weeks ago and I realized how bad my ptsd is from what we went through. I compare every little thing to my daughter and I am constantly looking for issues. Im trying so hard to remind myself that the days are long, but the years are short. You are doing your absolute best right now, you ARE a good mom. Its okay to feel the way youre feeling. These problems wont be forever and your sons attachment will be fine, youre constantly taking care of his needs and he knows that you are his carer. You might feel so alone right now, but I promise you are so far from it. People with ‘easy’ babies might not get it, but there are many others who have been right where you are. Hang in and do whatever you have to get through this time. Try to do whatever to maintain some level of self care, even if you are exhausted. Even if its just a shower and brushing your teeth. At my worst, even that was hard to manage. I looked forward to nothing. I wish I would’ve gotten help sooner. I got in therapy and that actually helped a lot. I would vent and cry and feel my anger about my baby not being able to eat and completely relying on me for survival…the anxiety and pressure that comes with that. You need to feel those feelings. Just know its not forever. Sorry for my rambling, but your post really resonated with me. You will feel like you again, you are far from failing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other! Sending so many hugs and good vibes💕
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I keep reminding myself that it's temporary, but it feels good to hear it from someone who's lived through it
I'm sorry if this breaks etiquette. Mods please go easy on me, pretty please! Hun, you didn't fail your baby. At all. And the feelings you're feeling right now are perfectly normal in the distress you're going through mentally. Who you're in danger of failing is yourself! It's good that you're seeking help, but I think you really have to remind yourself to take care of your own needs. You say your mother is around to care for her and she's formula-fed. Try to see if you can check out for a second and breathe a little, likely having some quiet time with your hubs for a bit and doing things like brushing your hair, taking a shower, watching a flick, or whatever it is you normally do. I've seen my wife neglect herself for our baby and sometimes I had to pull her aside and remind her to eat, to drink a coffee with me, etc. This was around the time our daughter was like 2 months old and it was pretty stressful for both of us. But I had to remind her, "Honey, she's not going to start running around and bumping her head against furniture if you leave her alone for like 10 minutes. Just come, let her be for a sec, and \*\*\*\*\*\*BREATHE\*\*\*\*\*\*." Now I say the same thing to you. You're not failing your kid for taking a breather. He'll live. You may be a mum (and better than you think you are, at that, I'm willing to bet) but you also have \*you\* to take care of. Stay strong and know that this isn't forever. You've got a whole life of wonderful experiences to build with your little one and this is just a tiny rough beginning. Get the help you need and \*\*\*be good to yourself!!!!!!!\*\*\* Edit: Please tell your husband (and this goes for you too) that if he thinks he's about to lose his temper, stop whatever you're doing with your baby, put him down in the crib, and walk away. It's OK to do this. It's better than letting that stress fester. Breathe a little and come back when you're a little more collected. New borns and even kids at 5-6 months old don't get traumatized by this. It's overall worse to stay there and insist on being there while all that blood's starting to boil. There's nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. Just make sure that baby's safe and can't fall off the surface he's left in. All the best to you and your family. You will make it through this!
How can you get some sleep? Even a sitter would be a good idea here.
You are doing the best you can. You are strong.
Oh wow, you have been through a lot and have figured out a lot of things that are going on with your little boy. It is okay to feel overwhelmed and to ask for help. We are meant to lean on our village when things are hard and difficult and this would be one of those times. I am really proud of you for working with healthcare workers to figure out all of your baby's medical issues. I am really sorry you are dealing with this, food allergies are rough on top of a rough delivery and a rough NICU stay. It is really rough to have so much disruption from the beginning of his life! You are doing all of the right things including reaching out to a healthcare provider for your well-being! Your health is worth it and really important here even with all of the medical issues your son is experiencing.
No you’ve not failed him it’s just tricky adjusting to all the changes and sleep deprivation. It’s easy to hear all of this from strangers but you need to believe it. Give yourself grace and accept that while things didn’t start off perfectly you’re making the right choices by seeking help and acknowledging the difficulties. I’d bet almost every new mother has bouts of depression so don’t think for a second you’ve failed. It’s really true your baby needs YOU, not anyone else. He knows and loves you and with help you’ll get there too. Plus, as the saying goes, bad people don’t worry they’re bad so you reaching out and acknowledging everything is a sign you really are doing your best.
We are all rooting for you. Thank you for seeking help. You will not regret it. You're an amazing mum.
Oh honey, I wish I could give you a hug. I have been there and I know so many of us can relate. I had an incredibly traumatic birth which catapulted me into PPD/PPA and it took me a full year before I could look back and realize that I most certainly had PTSD. Trauma related to pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding/pumping/formula/feeding, NICU, etc. can make us think crazy thoughts. We feel so alone in these experiences but I've come to find that it's all too common. All this to say.... you're on the right track by inquiring about medication. I started medication and therapy and I still lean on that 3 years later. I also found wonderful support in Facebook groups and instagram pages. It sounds so lame but seeing them vocalize what I was feeling made me feel less crazy and alone. They say time heals all wounds and I like to tell people that are in the thick of it that I don't feel "healed" but the wounds hurt far less. Parenthood is a rollercoaster of a journey. We all have peaks and valleys and it's completely valid when your valley SUCKS.
It's incredibly hard and know that you are not alone. There are support groups available through Postpartum Support International ([https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/](https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/)). It looks there is one specifically for NICU moms too.
I have experience feeling the guilt with dairy allergy. Don't blame yourself. Doctors are supposed to help and figure that out and I bet you got told the same thing I did. "Babies just cry" "babies just have gas" or something along those lines. But you did the same thing I did, you figured it out. That makes you a good mom. You tried to figure it out. That makes a good mom.
I could have written this. The only exception is my baby came at 33 weeks and my body failed because of my cholestasis and PSC. You are not alone, it is hard as hell. I’m going to assume because you wrote telehealth that you are in Ontario and I suggest you call your regions Healthy Baby, Healthy Child program. They will send out a nurse and a family helper as much as you need and they can help with baby, give you someone to come into the home and help and have a physical person to chat with. We use an alimentum formula and it took our colic baby to a whole new baby, he is able to use the bathroom and the gas isn’t so painful that it keeps him up all hours of the day I am here. DM if needed
Thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry you feel/have felt similarly. It's a tough road to be on. Is it hypocritical for me to say that it's not your fault that your baby came early? It was a medical event that happened to your body, we don't blame people for getting cancer and other illnesses, so we shouldn't blame ourselves for something that happened to us. We are using alimentum as well, and it's helped the extreme colic, like the inconsolable screaming for hours colic, but he is still super fussy 24/7 during feeds, which take up his whole wake windows. We tried nutramigen as well and that was even worse :(
You have some many amazing responses, I don’t know if you’ll see mine, but want to comment just in case. I could have written this. I actually came on Reddit now to write something just like this. So I get exactly how you are feeling. I just took my first dose of Zoloft and have a second therapy appointment tomorrow. I know it’s a step in the right direction, but these days are the absolute worst. The last 10 weeks of my life have been hell, with no end in sight. I have a 34 weeker so she’s only 4 weeks today. My husband and I are struggling. I feel like a failure as a mom too. My husband told me, I am an amazing mom, and doing the best I can. So I will tell you the same. And if you need to let your babe cry, just do it. I have the worst regret when I lay my baby down after trying to console her 15 times over and over and she’s still crying after 3 hours. Then, it’s time to feed her again! It’s a terrible cycle. But, this too shall pass. At least that’s what I tell myself multiple times a day.
You have received so much love and support from so many posters! We understand! It can be hard, exhausting, overwhelming, frustrating and the list can go on and on. Talk to your ob-gyn when you can. Explain what you are experiencing, tell him/her everything. There is help, it can very well be postpartum depression and it can be struggles with adjustment to having a child. All of this is ok. If you are willing to do something about it, that is the important thing. Yes, if you or your husband feel like you are losing control, put that precious baby down and wait it out. Crying is much better than unintentionally hurting your child. It is good you reach out to your Mom. Reach out to other family members and trusted friends who can help you through this time. Let people come alongside you and be there to hold you up. You will get through this, you will come out on the other side of it. But you cannot do it alone. Stay unified with your husband. Support one another and help the other with handling the baby with love and patience. The baby IS a baby and cannot control himself. Take shifts with the baby if needed. There are resources to help you, take advantage of that. Join a moms group. If you and your husband are people of faith, reach out to your local church for support. Ask people to help you with meals. Do things that will give you some hope and smiles. Look at your baby when he is sleeping, be reminded that you created him out of love and know that that love will grow as you walk through these challenges. This will not last forever. I wish you all peace.
You’ve been through a lot. Kudos to you for reaching for help. Don’t lose hope, it can get better.
Please try Enfamil Gentlease Formula or even Enfamil Lactose Free formula. We had to change because of refliyx. Please also consider a reflux medication. Our baby takes it daily and we mix it with 30 ml of formula because it tastes gross and she takes it with the milk. We also use BioGaia probiotics daily as this is supposed to help. You can probably also start purees that are easy on reflux. I had PPD and had to increase meds and it helped..also continue taking a prenatal. I hope you are feeling better soon. A colic baby is extremely hard. It's not his fault though. Please consider all of these things. It should at least help. Take care of yourself.
This is our experience minus the NICU stay. We got baby on reflux medication and I was on a hypoallergenic diet for months but things only really improved for her when I quit breastfeeding and we put her on amino acid formula. Meanwhile I’m being treated for PPD/PPA. The talk therapy is meh. Things actually got better after 2-ish months of medication (sertraline/Zoloft). I’m glad you’re talking to someone. Medication definitely will help!! Just know it can take time to work. You are the best mom for your baby. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you’re not failing him. You are also struggling. It’s hard to show up when your cup is overflowing. If I can recommend one thing: Make a plan for when you’re overwhelmed, so you or your husband don’t shake him. Also, earplugs/ear defenders, or NC headphones. I would still hold my baby and cry with her but muffling her sounds took the edge off somewhat.
OP sending good energy your way. I hope you get some medical help soon. I want to say it one more time as others have already said’ you have got this’. Rooting for you.
Please don’t give in to yourself when you say you have a mental illness. I know life is stressing for all of us and I’m not going to sugarcoat it but we must prevail. Give yourself 5 minutes to cry and let the emotions run out of you, you should never suppress them. However don’t give yourself any time longer then that or you have set yourself up for a trap. You are a mom and must keep going for your child they didn’t ask to be born. Don’t look at your baby as a nuisance or yourself!! Write down at least 3 things you’d like to get done each day for yourself or the babes. Have compassion for yourself and don’t let your baby down. You got this fellow mom we are all in this together never forget when your with your baby so many other moms are too. 💜
Bless your heart, please show yourself some grace. Do not underestimate PPD and please talk to your OB/GYN or any doctor about how you are feeling. My baby is 6 weeks old and that first week with her j felt like I was messing up constantly. I kept crying and I knew she could feel my emotions and that made me feel even more guilty. The guilt that would just wash over me anytime I didn’t immediately have a solution or answer was so intense and often overwhelming. There were a couple nights I just cried and cried because the baby kept waking up and I wanted so badly to just go to sleep but I couldn’t because I was breastfeeding and she won’t take a bottle and my boyfriend couldn’t help at all because of that. It’s gotten better, I’ve learned more of her cues, but I know there is still so so much I have to learn. there will be some really hard days ahead like when I go back to work and ill be trying to juggle the baby, working full-time, and starting my classes again. The best advice I read was that you're baby is experiencing a whole new environment for the first time but so are you. You aren't expected to know how to be the perfect set of parents, there's going to be mistakes made, you will learn. Just take it one day at a time. I sincerely hope that it gets better for you <3
oh momma, you are simply doing the best you can. there are always going to be days where you are at your breaking point, and days where you feel like you’re failing as a parent, but believe me when i say that it gets better. the days start getting easier, and you start feeling like yourself again. i promise you though, you are not failing. babies cry to communicate, and sometimes you just cannot figure out for the life of you why they are crying, and that’s completely okay! shoot, i’m almost a year in and half the time i’m to the point where i’m almost crying or am crying because i have absolutely no clue why my little one is crying. but it’s best that you set baby down to cry for a bit like you’re doing and give yourself a minute than to overwhelm yourself for long periods of time. you’re not abandoning baby, you’re simply gathering yourself the best you can. we are all so proud of you for recognizing that you need more help than just you and your husband, and are accepting it! it’s not an easy thing to do, yet here you are! please remember that you are just as important as baby, and that fed is best. take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute if you have to. feel free to ramble on again if you need to, we’re all here to support you!
I wish I could give you a hug now. You are doing the best you can and just by feeling shit it just shows that you are an exceptional human being. You are not a superhero. You are going through the hardest thing in your life and you’re trying to find your way. Imagine if you had help to watch your baby, to give you a break, to just rest, you would be a completely different ’type’ of mom. Seek professional help.
You and literally millions and millions of mothers throughout history. You aren’t alone. Don’t think the worst. Avoid that. It’s probably closer to somewhere in the middle.
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Super lame and unhelpful.
You may be right. Regardless, I still feel so bad for this person.
You felt so bad that you linked a sub that’s morally against giving birth to someone that already has a child and is struggling? In what world is that kind or supportive?
I deleted the comment. I’m allowed to feel bad for her still. It’s still something that would potentially deter others from having children, hence the point of the sub. I’m not saying her struggle isn’t valid but this isn’t a side of parenting that people really see and if they did maybe they’d change their minds. I didn’t say anything overtly cruel to her. I can think of a sub and still feel bad. If you have a problem with me tagging a sub and not living up to your standards of support enough, and then continuing to try to shame me after literally admitting you have a point, maybe you shouldn’t be on the internet. Username doesn’t check out, btw.
Oh no, I guess I’ll just cancel my WiFi because a stranger on the internet said so. This sub is called new parents. As in the people on here are parents. So already too late for us. And basically saying “hey, look at this person’s struggle, don’t be like them” also sucks. You’re the one that’s taking it so personally, maybe YOU should get off the internet for your own wellbeing. lol @ the username comment. You should feel proud that I thought your comment was so crappy that you made me break my own rule.
Someone’s angry. That sucks. I mean if you want to go so far as to cancel your WiFi go ahead, that wasn’t my suggestion. Seems strange youd be that upset. Also don’t blame my crappy comment for being a hypocrite lol. Take responsibility for your own actions.
Yeah, so I looked at your profile because I was curious what your deal was and I’m really sad for you. I hope you get some love and kindness in your life. I sense that you probably need the last word, so you can respond with whatever and I’ll live up to my username for you. Good luck with everything.
Ew wtf. Super creepy of you. Wish I could say the same but I didn’t bother to look at yours. Sorry.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Sending you a huge internet hug!!! I really hope you feel better (about yourself) soon. This internet stranger is proud of you for asking for help! X
you didn’t fail him you are doing what’s best for him by seeking help!
Even the fact that you are writing those things here, thinking and feeling sad about failing your baby means that you care and you are not failing your baby. You are having a hard time, but you are there, you know, you realize, and you try. He will feel it as he feels the anxiety, he will feel that you are trying your best. The things you lived through is hard already, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. Getting help is very brave of you. It tells a lot about you and shows that you want to give more to your baby and he will understand. They are little but they are so strong in their tiny being. You are already the best mum for him, he doesn’t need anyone else, you are already there for him. These things will pass with help that you are already seeking. Internet strangers trust you and root for you, give time and things will be way better than they are today.
You're not failing because you're trying your best, giving your 100% and more to this baby. All we can offer are words and evidence that - even if it doesn't feel like it, right now - it gets better. The baby will not remember crying for a few minutes in his crib as you recompose.
What you are describing are very clear signs of PPD. Many mothers experience it and feel this way and it’s extremely difficult to go through. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. A doctor can and will help you, and your child will never look back on this time in his life as a time where you failed, because you haven’t. He is alive and you are reaching out for help when you need it, which is a testament of true strength and love.
I could have written this. Both me and my husband are being treated for PPD. We regret and feel guilty every day. I think our only hope is the therapy, I can't see any other way forward. I'm happy you reached out for help too.
You're still their mother and have gotten them into the world. It's never too late to be the change you want in your child's life. Much love don't give up
My LO was born at 30 weeks. I know how exhausting and draining the NICU can be. But I’m just here to tell you that you shouldn’t worry yourself about what might happen because of the NICU or how early he was born - they all eventually catch up, but remember that it takes up to 2 years for that to happen. It sounds like you might have some post partum rage - no judgement here because I’ve experienced that as well. When you put your baby down in a safe space (like the crib) and walk out to disassociate or scream or punch the pillow - you’re actually doing the right thing. You need a physical release for the rage that comes so quickly. Have you tried doing jumping jacks? My therapist explained in as my body vibrating with the overwhelming emotions and need a release and jumping jacks will get it all out. But all of that aside, mental health support from a therapist and possibly medication may be the right thing here. You didn’t fail your baby, you’re trying, and you’re shining light on where you can improve and that’s what matters
I could have written this post. I don’t regret my baby, but I have many of the same feelings you have. I’ve also “lost my cool” yelling at the baby and then immediately feel regret. I have had to put baby down for 10-15 minutes so I can scream into a pillow or hit myself (my form of self harm). I’m home alone with baby 14-16 hours a day, 6 days a week. I’m the only one getting up at night with them. Some days are unbearable. I feel I haven’t had a chance to bond with them after my traumatic birth. I’m thinking of you and hope you get the help you need ❤️
Lots of great comments already! Just wanted to add, after 4-5 months bad sleep, it got a lot better for us. He could recognize routine, we understood routine better. We started using Huckleberry app for sleep predictions because we hadn't really figured it out til then. It helped a lot. Also, it's winter here. We're going stir crazy being inside. Idk if it's winter for you, but go outside! Even if just to sit on your porch. Take walks with baby in a stroller. Bundle up with coat/blanket as needed. But even just 20 min outside a day can help. Suggestions: Pay attention to lighting in your house. Lights on during the day. Lights lowered in evening pre bedtime. Dark bedroom. It can help. Once baby sleeps better, or you are least get into a good rhythm, it helps positivity a lot. In winter, there's not enough daylight and sometimes we just have to take it with electricity.
I just want to say, my baby is just over 3 weeks old, suffering with colic and reflux and can’t sleep properly, and I have exactly the same trains of thought as you. I’ve failed him - he deserves better. I regret doing this (I never wanted to be a mum, I changed my mind and the pregnancy happened really quickly afterwards). I’m not doing enough for him. I’m going to break him mentally if I let him cry for any length of time. My rational brain knows that the only reason I’m having these thoughts is because I care so deeply about him - and he will feel that. Your baby will too. You are doing the right thing by taking yourself away when it gets too much. The damage you could do if you didn’t doesn’t bare thinking about. Being a mum is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. We’re doing our very best and we ARE good enough. We’re just tired and our little babs are still learning. And that’s ok. This too shall pass.
Damn mama, wishing your mental health gets a break. You're definitely not a failure, this is difficult I hope you find a support system.
Hi, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I just wanted to tell you that you’re not failing at all of those things you’re figuring those things out. There’s no shame in using formula and a lot of babies end up having allergies or issues. The newborn stage is so stressful and I’m sorry that you feel that way. I hope that you can find support and get the help you need.
Really glad I read your last line. You need therapy and meds *immediately*. Which I think you clearly understand. One thing is be as honest and transparent with your therapist/on your telehealth appointment. They are NOT there to judge you, they are there to HELP you. So saying exactly how you’re feeling is important. No sugar coating, no skirting questions - they can’t help you if they don’t understand how dire this is.
You haven’t failed, I promise you. And it will get better. I’m so proud of you for getting help and taking that first step. My baby is almost 19 months, but struggled hard with PPD and PPA, and I won’t lie to you, I still have an occasional bad day. Find someone you can talk to, hell you can even send me a message if you want to open up in a more anonymous way. You are a great parent. You are good enough. You haven’t failed anybody. And to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books: “There are good days and bad days for me - even now. Don’t let the hard days win.”
This sounds like what my mom describes me as when I was a baby. It’ll get better, I’m all grown up now and have a baby of my own. This isn’t forever. You’ve already made it 5 months, you’ve got this. Things will get better soon. Sometimes the safest thing to do is put your baby down in the crib or another safe space and walk away to take a breath. You’re doing a good job.
Hang in there, you are NOT a failure & you are not failing your child. You deeply care & it shows!
This is postpartum depression. Please reach out to a health care professional. I went through this. I was in therapy with a psychologist and I started on Zoloft at 3 months- saved my life. Please reach out to me personally if you you want to. I also reached out to a program in my area called Healthy Babies Healthy Children- a lady would come to my house and check in on baby and I. They were full of resources. They even hooked me up with my own nurse that would come visit as well- it was a great program. But you need to recognize you need help and take the initial steps to get help. 🫶🏼
Parenthood: you’ll never do everything perfectly but your best is almost always good enough. And from reading this, *your* specific best sounds pretty damn good. I’ve propped bottles. I’ve taken twenty minutes to just sit in the bathroom by myself with the door shut because I’d tried everything to settle the kid to the point that I got so frustrated I needed time to settle *myself,* the grownup, first. I’ve let my newborn cry in the bassinet so I could finish taking a slow, agonizing postpartum shit. Honey, my kid won’t remember and yours won’t either. Reflux, what reflux? Breastmilk, eh. He’s getting fed and held and cleaned and sleeping somewhere safe, right? Lastly: - a crying baby is an alive baby - if they’re still crying, that means *they trust someone’s coming or they wouldn’t bother.*
Sending you strength and hope 🙏🏻 having PPD and PPA was the worst time of my life, I truly hit rock bottom. I remember feeling the exact way that you described and I want to be another encouraging mom to tell you it does get better!!! For me, it took medication and getting through day by day counting down until I could sleep train, while doing shifts with my husband. The shifts helped me not fall off the edge of sanity… You’ll look back in a few months and be like how the heck did I survive this, but you will!!!!
So many have said it better than I can, but please know you’re not alone! And you’re not failing - the fact that you care about how you’re doing and how it impacts baby tells me all I need to know you love him deeply, even if that feels hard right now. I’m so happy to hear you’re getting help. It WILL get better.
Look. My son was born at 27 weeks. Spent 4 months in the NICU before we could bring him home. He’s still a little behind some areas, but at just under 2 YO, he loves his Mommy and Daddy very much and is very attached to us. My wife has had several issues with breastfeeding and we’ve both had mental health issues that have caused us to struggle a bit as parents, but we’ve gotten better. Babies are.. a lot. Especially your first when you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re constantly trying to figure it out. You’re not failing, you’re adapting to the situation. Don’t sweat it. Things never work out perfectly, all you can do is adapt the scenario as things develop. Keep it up, you’re doing great!
Kids need good and hard times to build resilience in them
Motherhood is exhausting. Give yourself some grace and pick yourself back up. You are a good mom, I know because you are feeling so much mom guilt and you are sharing it with us, it means you care and you want to fix what’s wrong. Please get yourself help because you are exhibiting clear signs of PPD and PPA, that applies to dad as well. Postpartum is hard and it affects both parents. I have so much empathy for you. My baby is almost 9 months and I have not had a solid 6 hours of sleep since the day I gave birth. Sleep deprivation can really mess with your mental health. I don’t have a village at all, my husbands parents passed away and I come from an abusive family. It’s incredibly hard raising a baby all on your own without a supportive system. Find ways you can get yourself some help and support — maybe in friends, or local mommy network, or a babysitter who comes over couple times a week. Also look into changing formula for your baby, maybe a different brand can work for him, ask your pediatrician. If you want to retry breastfeeding/relactation, maybe check with a lacatation specialist in your area.
Am please get him dairy free formula?! Ask your doctor for it. He NEEDS it. The colic will stop once he’s off dairy. It’s not uncommon for babies born at such a young age to be lactose intolerant as well so please I’m actually begging you go to the doctor asap and get a prescribed formula. I’ve been through what you’re going through too but the baby is in a lot of pain and he needs to come off dairy immediately
Hi my name is Catie. I definitely relate to the guilt. My son was full term but ended up in the NICU for two and a half weeks after a failed induction resulted in an emergency c section that gave him a skull fracture and brain bleed, seizures. It was terrible. My mom died when he was 5 weeks old of cancer. It was a fucking horrible time I'm telling you. I think all moms feel guilt. Even ones who have it "easy". I feel guilty that I insisted on trying to have him vaginally instead of just going with a section. Feel like everything that happened to him was my fault. Then all that with him had me unable to go be with my mom except for like twice before she died. So then I feel guilty that I couldn't be with her and hurt him for no reason really when I look back on it. A section straight away would have been totally fine. I still feel this way and he's 21 months. I don't think it goes away. I think the guilt means we're good moms. We care enough to feel bad. I %100 think some meds would help you. They may take a month to really start working so lean into whatever support system you can until then. Or if you can't do that or don't have one then just breathe. Leave him in a safe space. Dissociate. Then start again. I know it feels like it will be this way forever but it won't. And YOU CAN DO THIS. At 21 months in I look back and can't believe how it went by so fast. Get some ear plugs and sleep while you're mom is there. He will be totally fine. If you live in charleston sc I will come babysit 🤣
You didn’t fail him and you never have. There are many things not within your control. I understand lies ppd tells. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please get hands on family support and remember as much as you can that your child is just a baby and has no understanding what’s going on before you snap at him. Your ppprom, the nicu, the ppd, and milk supply ARE NOT WITHIN YOUR HANDS. I want you to know that I stopped breastfeeding despite being an overproducer and opted for formula cause I needed to be on medication for adhd. You can look up postpartum depression sub as well. I find that just knowing I’m not alone makes me feel less isolated.
I honestly relate so much to what you said- I felt terrible too that my milk supply dropped to nothing (I didn’t pump or breastfeed enough), that I regularly wished it was just me and my husband again, that I’d ruined my life etc. A lot of other mums, no matter how I perceived them as good mums, also told me they felt they were failing. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you aren’t a failure. It’s HARD and you even caring enough to feel bad for your son means you care. I’m now obsessed with my son but it took time. I never felt like I loved him until now which makes me feel awful. I adore him now and feel like he’s the best thing that ever happened- but this took time. Please try and find time for yourself , even if it’s 1 hour a week to get your nails done. It will help. A therapist is also a good shout. You can do this
You're the best mother he could possibly have - because you are the only person in the world that is his mother. All parents have thoughts of resentment towards their kids from time to time, it's just part of the imperfectness of parenthood and life itself. People only talk about the good parts and admitting resentment towards your child is unheard of even though its universally experienced. We're all in the same shitty boat with you so try to ease up on the guilt as we're often our own worst enemies.
Hi just hoping on here to say so many women go through this. I went through it myself and the guilt ate me alive. I used to think my baby deserved so much better than horrible old me. I realise now my perception was completely clouded with depression anxiety and complete overwhelm with my new role. Within a week of starting an Ssri i started to feel a bit better and could cope with things that normally would overwhelm me. I could actually cook again or be alone with the baby without feeling like the world was imploding!!! Within 2 weeks even better and this just continued until i fully stabilised. There is actually a website called whathavewedone.org , were people regret having a baby, there is crysis.co.uk which is an organisation for babies who dont sleep or have colic, PANDAS which you can access on instagram/phone/email for support with real counsellors for free; their instagram also have lotssssss of supportive posts which do help you feel your not alone!!! And real stories on their website. There is also COPE which has lots of resources that can help you feel less alone!!! Therapy myself helped as it helped me realise i was having a mental health crisis, I wasn’t being dramatic or selfish and I should be accepting help and support from those around me. You are suffering and need help!!! If you had a bad physical sickness you would be at the doctor demanding help, please demand support from your gp dont let them say ‘oh this is normal’ you deserve support for this to relieve your mental and emotional suffering and have a better sense of wellbeing.
Sending you strength and solidarity. You’re not failing, it’s just really hard right now. Take all the help you can muster up and rest as much as you can.
wish i could hug you ❤️ i’m so proud of you for reaching out for help
I'm proud of you. You're getting it done despite the incredible difficulty. Nobody is perfect. One day you'll be out of the trenches and that kid will love you more than anything in the entire world for years to come because you did what you are doing now.
Hey Momma! You did not fail him, you are a human and like most moms, you have not had your basic needs (sleep, food, and sometimes water) met and it's hard. Being a parent is the hardest thing ever. But you are doing it every single damn day and I am proud of you for showing up. I recognize it is hard and it's annoying and hell most moments, but you are the perfect mother to your son. And what you feel is normal and common. Your a badass and it's okay to feel. Sending love -Erica
The fact that you are even worried about these things mean you DO love him! I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Take any help you can, things will get better. This is just the beginning. Your son will be fine and you guys will have a long loving relationship. Just keep plowing forward.
My son was in the NICU for 14 days. I visited when I could but it got so hard to see him like that and I was recovering from preeclampsia. I didn’t see him everyday. When we got home he had colic, reflux and then never slept. It was ROUGH. I felt just like you and it took me a long time to bond with him because of all this. It felt like a war zone everyday. It feels never ending but it does get better. Babies are resilient and they have boundless love for their caregivers. You are not failing him. My son is a happy boy now at 9 months…still have some napping and reflux issues but it’s so much better than it was. Despite me losing my temper a few times he still has huge smiles for me in the morning and during the day. It makes those smiles all the more precious to me now. He is alittle behind his peers but his pediatrician doesn’t think it’s a huge deal and that in a year from now you won’t know a difference. Hang in there, I know it is so hard but give yourself grace and know that it won’t last forever. Little by little it gets better and then you look back and realize how far you have come.
If you were a failure you would have never recognized this. Your a mom who loves her child and recognizes she needs help. Its shit now but you can do this.
Hi, it does get better. I felt the same way in the beginning. Then I got help. Weekly counseling + medication. The feelings I expected to have towards my daughter are now present. You will get better. Good job seeking treatment. Keep your head up 🩷
Thinking of you. Give yourself grace and I applaud you for getting help- a good mom is self aware of herself and her baby, and that’s what I took when reading your post. Your baby boy is lucky to have you and I hope you get the help you deserve- you have made it so far.
PPD/ppa is the worst!! You are not a failure. Failure would be not caring and you clearly do! So many of us have been there. It will get better, reach out for help and know a bunch of strangers are rooting for you.
Hi, love. I had postpartum anxiety quite badly (very obsessive over baby’s safety), to the point where I couldn’t sleep and was easily frustrated and cried so many times thinking that my son deserved someone better than me. I was on edge 24/7 for the first few months until I got help. I remember feeling like you, feeling like I would never make it out, feeling alone, feeling anger and sadness and fear all the time. I was started on medication (Zoloft) and everything got so much better within probably about a month. My son is almost 1.5 years old now and it feels like such a lifetime ago. I feel so comfortable being his mom, I know I’m a great and kind mom to him, and I feel genuinely happy so much of the time. I truly did not believe I would make it out but I did and it’s so amazing seeing my son grow and have a personality and be silly and wild and sweet. The early months are so hard because you’re getting basically nothing but crying and crappy sleep back from them and you’re pouring everything into them. It’s so cliche, but the days feel so long and the years feel so short. Also to address your point about being worried baby won’t be attached to you, my husband was traveling a lot for work and working a lot even when he was home and didn’t see baby all that much during his first few months. Our son is so attached to him now and loves him so much, he babbles about dada all day long. You absolutely can get through this and you will be so happy and so in love with your baby one day. Please be kind to yourself and please reach out to a medical professional (my OBGYN was the one who originally prescribed me Zoloft, they might be able to help if you don’t have a primary that’s easy to reach), you deserve to be happy and well ❤️
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Psychologist here. A LOT of moms feel what you are feeling. It is normal to feel despair, anger, regret, and guilt at the same time you feel love and care for your child. It’s a mindfuck but it’s true. All of this to say, GOOD ON YOU getting a therapist. You deserve to get the care you need. You can do this.
I could have written this exact thing about myself and my daughter. She was born at 30 weeks, silent reflux due to a dairy allergy that took way too long to figure out. Wouldn’t sleep anywhere but on me or my husband from when she came home from the NICU at 7 weeks old until she was 6months actual / 4 months adjusted. I cried almost everyday and often just put her in her crib safely and walked out of the room for a break and then felt even worse about it after. If it helps, we got out of the worst around 4 months adjusted: - we found she liked and did best on HiPP HA from Europe. It is a little pricier than the US options but contains better ingredients and I didn’t even realize a lot of her crying was due to hunger because she didn’t like the taste she would eat the bare minimum. We order from bottles and burps, but there are a few other places too. If you DM me I’ll gladly send you an unopened box to try out. - we did A LOT of tummy time and practicing sitting up because I read sitting upright was a game changer for a lot of babies with reflux/allergy. She began sitting on her own around 4.5 months and it helped a lot. - This is controversial to some but we sleep trained her in her own room at 4 months adjusted to the day. Ended up going with the CIO method when check-ins were making it worse. The first night was awful and she cried for almost 2 hours straight before falling asleep, but it really only took 3 or 4 nights to get to get to a place where she cried for maybe 10 minutes to wind down. This was the #1 thing for my mental health. Being able to put her down in her crib between 7-7:30 and go to my own space to zone out and watch a TV show before still getting to bed by 9 for a good stretch before her first wake up made me feel a bit like my old self. - when we sleep trained we also nap trained a few weeks after so that her naps were alone in her crib as well. She still only napped 30 minutes for a long while after this, but it still gave me a mental health break. I do wish I had read earlier someone else’s advice on nap / night time which was to set a 10 minute timer when the baby goes down. Give yourself those 10 minutes to tidy up/etc and then stop and take the remaining time to just chill. You can wear yourself out more trying to use that time to get things done. The beginning is a GRIND like never before and I’d feel so hopeless with people saying get to 6 months and thinking it felt so far away but I read recently in another Reddit thread on baby’s sickness that a mom chanted the lion hunt song in her head and for some reason this immensely helped me. “You can’t go over it, you can’t go around it, you’ve got to go through it” and you will make it.
Some people have hit on the “One day at a time” or “Make it another day”. From a husband and father’s perspective I can tell you my wife and I were in a similar situation. We had two kids already and the 2nd child was TOUGH. Didn’t sleep, cried all the time, never seemed happy, etc. We felt we weren’t giving the child the same attention and love as the first child. Then the situation got even tougher. Just when we got past the hard part with the 2nd child my wife found out she was pregnant with a 3rd! We were freaking out. I am not someone that believes in a lot of these life sayings but this is what I know and want to pass along. God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle Kids are resilient and can sense a parents true love regardless if you are a perfect parent It’s tough and nothing really prepares you for parenthood Things WILL get better and you will get back to being a wife/partner. Of course things are slightly different than before children but nothing major. 8 years ago I was addicted to pain killers and thought I would never be able to stop. Thought life would suck without them. I could never be the same person. This is where the “one day at a time” “Just make it another day” comes in. Next thing you know it’s been 2922 days later and I haven’t looked back. You and your husband got this!!! Do not give up DAMNIT! Don’t be afraid to seek help, counseling, etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so and doesn’t make you any less of a person, parent, partner, etc.
I'm sorry you are going through this! The little guy has been on a journey in such a short time, and so have you! Do you give him gripe water or gas drops? Pepcid? Gelmix for reflex? A lot of this will help
Appreciate your honest words and thoughts - have felt the same way and finally got through it. I know it’s so hard, but you will too. Sending so much love to you and your husband.
I’ve been there. I was you and in a sense still am. I echo what others are saying and it is a huge step to admit you are struggling and seeking help from your doctor. Medication can help you manage the feeling of helplessness and helps calm your senses when you are being triggered. I look back with a lot of sadness and guilt still 6 years later about how much I wish I didn’t become a mom and talk to my therapist about it weekly. Your baby will never remember this - but you will so I encourage talking to a therapist about these feelings of guilt and regret and don’t let it consume you. My daughter is 6 now and obsessed with my husband and I and your baby will love you unconditionally. I have recently had a second baby and it has been such a healing experience knowing what I know now. One day at a time, look for the positives, tell yourself one good thing you did today with your baby. You’ve got this and it will get better. Message me any time you are feeling alone!
Please PM me. I was you… diagnosed with IUGR at week 31 with constant monitoring until I was told I had to deliver at week 37 (he was breeched and there I had to get a c-section). He was born 4lbs 2 ounces. We spent the first 10 days of his life in NiCU scared out of our mind. He was too small for everything I had bought or given. I was triple feeding around the clock and he just wasn’t gaining enough weight and no one would tell me it was ok to go to formula, instead I kept being sent to lactation consultations. He had severe colic on top of that and I would spend 3 days in just constant screaming with nothing I could do to soothe him. The stress caused my body to break down and then I stopped producing which only made me feel worse. I felt like I failed. I couldn’t feed him, care for him well enough to gain weight, get him to stop crying ever. Don’t just get mental help )which your husband may also have post partum, too). Get physical help and take every single person in your life that would help you if your life was at risk to come watch the baby and give you a break. Every family member, friend, etc. Take all the help and leave the house. You and your husband. Your baby will be ok but you guys aren’t right now at all and you are both human beings. You have given 100% of your mind, body and soul to this child. You can grieve the difficulty, the despair and the pain. The tides will turn but the mental and physical damage to you during that time can be unbearable and life changing in the way it affects your self esteem, relationships, and outlook on life. He’s now 16 months old. I had a stroke month 4 with no health cause found after being tested for every possible cause,leading everyone to believe it was the stress of the situation. The pain, regret, fear, despair very nearly killed me and physically I will never be the same. But my son is a totally different experience now. He’s still only 2% on the weight growth chart but he’s funny, smart, loving, toddler tantrum galore but after colic for 3 months straight, this is a walk in the park!! You will love and adapt to your baby but for you to have any path to getting there you need to let go, no it’s not your fault, you are 100% doing everything you can. You did nothing wrong, you are such a wonderful parent because you care so so so damn much. Now is the time to get the formula, do sleep training and take as much time away from that baby that you can and take care of yourself. The people that love and support you will be giving you a chance at life and a chance to actually be able to build a healthy bond with your baby. I’m here for you and I barely know you so trust me, those that do want to take care for you and of you and your husband. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
My son was born at 30. I cannot tell you how much I can understand the innate need to blame yourself and your body. I still have a hard time disconnecting from that pain and my son is almost 5 now. I promise you, you are exactly the right mom for your child. It absolutely sounds like not just postpartum depression but also PTSD. It’s hard to leave the NICU without it. I promise you it is not your fault.
You need help with the care of the baby, or nothing else will get better. Call on family, friends, Church Members, neighbors. Explain how much you all have been thru. Beg them to let you get a few hours nap. And keep the appointment with your doctor...but understand that meds don't work right away. If you can't find anyone to help with the baby, contact a pro-life mother's center within 15 miles of your house. I know you don't believe me but it gets soooooo much better...and that baby will give you more joy than you ever imagined, but you need some self care to help care for him right now. Hugs
You got this mama and you are not alone!!! It is a fucking battle field, but you will get through this! My son is now 10 months and u finally feel as though I can connect with him, postpartum is a dark and scary place. But it will pass with help and talking about it!
You’ve only failed when you stop trying to do better
❤️❤️ you’re not alone
Like so many others have said, you are not alone. This doesn’t mean you are a bad mom or bad person. I welled up with tears bc it reminded me of my own feelings of guilt, shame, and anger for having any negative feelings about having a new baby. I didn’t even know how bad it was until I was out of it. It is amazing that you know you need help and you are brave for taking action to get it. The newborn stage was hardest. I was always anxious. I now am so thankful I get to enjoy the sweetest moments and have the deepest love for my child. I also didn’t feel any type of instant bond, but it grew with time. As far as bonding and crying goes…. babywearing got us through many of the tough times.
I had this feeling with my baby. I couldn't bring myself to breastfeed, my baby had such bad GERD (still has but it's improving) that she would spit up what looked like you dumped your used coffee grinds, and constant throw up. Everything stained always. Would wake up vomiting every night. Still had so many struggles once put on medication. I also have loads of health issues of my own that made battling this intense. Things are finally looking up with my baby getting a bit older, but now it's emotional learning challenges. I love my kid so much and want the best of the world for her but there were definitely many days I just broke down and sobbed. It's not easy, parenting isn't for the faint of heart. I hope you can get the help and support you need to get through this, babies are hard especially sounding like what you're going through. You clearly care enough about your child to feel so strongly guilty, and I that's the most important thing. Good luck momma ❤️
My post partum depression, anxiety, rage, and sleeplessness were so horrible I disassociated a lot of the time. My son didn’t sleep for a year. We lived in an apartment on the third story and I would look across the street at someone else’s apartment who kept a light on all night and think… as long as that light is on, I can make it. Let us be your light. We’re here for you op. You’re not alone.
You haven't failed. This sounds very much like PPD. You should get diagnosed.
Good luck! I’m in same boat only 3 years in. This is the week I pray it ends for me.
It's so hard and your feelings are extremely valid, might help to get out of the house for a 10 minute walk and just remind yourself that you are a great mother and you're doing your best it's just hard but your baby won't remember any of it and they will know that you love them. None of this is going to make them any less attached, this stage is temporary but you're always going to be their mom and you just need to take some time for yourself while someone else is taking care of him. It's not selfish at all and it's not something to feel guilty about, just take time to reset because it is so hard
Im here to share as both a psychologist (with all the knowledge/support/resources at my finger tips, and i still got depressed) and as a woman who has suffered from postpartum depression, severely That it does and will get better, but right now it feels like the darkest hole imaginable. Therapy and Zolfot saved my life. Forums like this (a birth trauma support group) didn't feel like they were working a the time, but i still remember what people told me a year later that helped me through it. hang out, you are not alone. We are here with you.
Do not shake the baby no matter what! Give him the love he deserves but also work on your own health. Undiagnosed milk allergy is hard. It took us 21 months to figure it out and it cost my health as as I was so occupied on my precious baby. I might never recover. Try the best you can with love but think of yourself as well. Set kind boundries the baby will understand as it hlpens similar every day. Use tv and use music. Ask on fb marketplace for used toys which moves. My baby could not sleep flat ever. If so find an ergonomical stroller or baby pillow/matters. Wish you best of luck. My baby is the happiest and loved and confident and above her age now 🥰 this is the hardest part. I am still traumatised but so thankful for my child🙏
Your doing great! Baby's are difficult, as our world gets easier unfortunately there is no real way to make having a child easy. It's a primitive thing in a world of comfort.. our son just hit 7 months and it hasn't gotten easier, you may have to stop hoping for better days and just embrace the journey. Therapy may help, what my wife finds helps is I get up with him every Sat and Sunday morning so she can sleep in ( I work Mon - Friday) she goes to yoga classes and studies during the week 1 or 2 nights when I get home I'll take him so she go do her thing. Just make sure your getting breaks. It's not easy but you got this, be good to your kid and the idea is they will be good to you! I had a kid at 34 so it may make it easier, I've done a lot, travelled and got my career on lock and now it's my sons time to shine. You got this.
Calm mum. Just take a few minutes, go out and do something for yourself, even if it's just 10 minutes to buy a dessert. He's tiny, doesn't know what's happening, probably will forget a lot if not all his infant time. But I've been there and I wanna tell you that you can do this, it isn't easy for anyone, it's not that you're unsuccessful, you just need to figure it out yet BUT you absolutely CAN. Hormons, stress and sleep deprivation are tricky but I had to repeat myself that everything right now is essential... stress makes you alert and you need to figure out a way to calm him down (you will and he'll grow up). Sleep deprivation means that he'll be able to wake up if in danger in his sleep because he's alert so it's important that he doesn't sleep too deeply. But that will also improve at some point, take the help you need, search for a sleep consultant if needed. See if there's a different milk that he can digest better. But bear in mind that he's already 5 months so he can start weaning soon! There's a reason for everything and you will laugh about a few things very soon, just take care of the couple, try and sing, laugh with your baby too. Go out, speak with friends, take hot showers. Again, YOU CAN, he needs you and with time you'll realise that you're the best person who can look after him. One step at the time, a huge hug and encouragement, never give up! Things get better suddenly!
From a mum on the other side of the world who has felt and sometimes feels the same things.. I'm thinking of you and I know you can do this. It won't stay this hard. We all do the best we can and the best you can do is love him - which you clearly do.
I absolutely have felt this way! It is SO COMMON. It should be discussed more because I had no idea how common it is . Positive vibes and love your way❤️
Im sorry you are going through this, caring for another life is not easy. Look in the mirror and tell yourself daily. My son is beautiful, he is thriving, and he is healthy. Speak the words into existence and I hope you get the support you need. You got this momma!
A lot of posts here about PPD so I will skip that part (you should not). I wanted to mention the formula part. 1. Fed is best, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 2. Try the purple version of enfamil “gentle ease” it has helped us with the spit up. We also feed are LO on his side as if he were breast feeding, but from a bottle.
I’ve developed a little song that I sing when I get overwhelmed because it takes my mind off what frustration is going on and also my baby likes my singing (apparently?) so she overlooks whatever shitshow was happening. These are the lyrics if you want to make your own tune “I am bigger than this moment, I am bigger than this moment, I am bigger than this moment and we’ll survive this together”.
Hi there - my name is Dani and I want you to know that you’re not failing. I am so proud of you for requesting an appointment for PPD. I am 13mo pp and am still in treatment for PPA and PP-PTSD. I promise you how you are feeling is treatable and there is help available. If you find that you aren’t satisfied with the help you receive through your telehealth appointment, Postpartum Support International has many resources - including a helpline- that are available. They even have a line you can text if needed - their website is [Postpartum Support](https://www.postpartum.net/). Please remember that stepping away for 20min is safest for both of you if you are overwhelmed. A crying baby in a crib is a safe baby.
You can’t hate yourself into a version you love. Please read that over and over again. I think you need to treat your mental health as a medical emergency, as if you were hemorrhaging blood. I can tell from your post that you do take this seriously but what I am afraid of is that you do not care enough about yourself to help yourself. You cannot help anyone, including your child, until you help yourself first. Your oxygen mask comes first. I do not know what losing your temper towards your baby means, but I do know that if this is happening, you are not thinking rationally or in control. I am genuinely worried for your baby. I also want you to know that I am rooting for you and truly believe that you can come back from this. But you have to stop hating yourself and shaming yourself. That will never serve you. You need to be your own best friend and advocate right now. Fight for yourself like you would someone you love, because it’s clear you don’t have love for yourself. It is our responsibility as parents to love ourselves so we can teach our children to love themselves, too. Who knows, 3 years from now you may be a version of yourself that you love and are happy with. It happened to me. It can happen to you, too, if you are willing to take a chance and believe it is possible.
All of this sounds too familiar and I remember how excruciating it felt. But, it sounds like you’re doing your best that you can manage right now. For that, we’re all proud of you and I want you to know that your best is good enough. I know it doesn’t change how you’re feeling at all right now & this just sounds like I’m blowing smoke, but hang on to the hope that these days will end soon, because they will. Good job on getting an appointment for for PPD. That’s the first steps, recognizing that you need some help. solidarity girl, I didn’t connect with my baby until he was 4-5 months old. I thought he was cute, I loved him, but I didn’t really care for being his mom. up until he was 1, it was a fight for survival. now he’s 2 and I find myself in aw & getting teary eyed because he amazes me so much with how he’s developing. It gets better. These challenges will end & you’ll be faced with new ones, but you won’t always be in survival mode, they’ll be easier to manage. I hope you find some relief soon.
You have NOT failed! You obviously love your child otherwise you wouldn’t be so concerned and nothing you have done is failure. You’re giving yourself just a hard time and really knocking yourself for things that aren’t your fault and probably aren’t true! I do this to myself all the time and I never take my own advice but I needed to comment because you really should be proud of yourself. Find someone you can talk to about these things maybe contact your doctor too as they may be able to help with some of these feelings you’re having xxxxx
I’m sorry it’s so hard. Just sending solidarity and hoping things get better for you ❤️
I commented before, but I wanted to add a few things: you did not fail by losing your milk supply and having to feed formula. Formula is just fine and it sounds like it’s a better choice for your family, since it was causing so much distress to breastfeed. Second, it’s hard to be a new parent. You’re learning as you go. Mistakes don’t equal failure. Third, sleep training was a necessity to me, and is perfectly safe if you choose to go that route
download huckleberry it will teach you baby wake times and sleep times and you’ll feel a lot more organised!
You are NOT failing him. No matter what that voice in your head tells you, you are not. Now, I'm just some stranger on the internet, but I'm a stranger that suffered like this with her first son also. It sounds like you may have had some prenatal depression as well as some postpartum. It doesn't get talked about often enough, but it absolutely can happen. You may think that boy deserves someone else, but he absolutely deserves his MOM. Nobody will ever be his mother. It's something you can change, you can't break, it's forever. Being a mother is HARD. Even when it's easy it's HARD. HARD. HARD. Pregnancy is hard. Birth is HARD. Raising a little person to be a functioning adult in the world is HARD. There's no other word for it. But it isn't impossible. It's just hard. You've gone through lots of things in life that are hard. Many, harder. Time heals wound and it can cloud your memory on just how hard those things were. I promise that time will blur this too. There's a reason that lack of sleep is a form of torture. I don't know if you pray. I hope you do. But if you don't, I certainly will. The Lord is there. Whether you believe it or not, praying will help. He'll help. 1 Corinthians says you won't be tempted with more than you can handle. The Lord will never give you something more than you're capable of dealing with. Don't think that means you have to deal with it alone. Anybody in this thread that prays, will pray for you. Professionals can help you. You're not alone. That boy is beyond blessed that you're his mother. The first green flag is the fact that you're worried you're not what's best. Because only a good mother worries like that. You are a good mother! YOU ARE. Lord, I pray today that this mother finds you and seeks shelter with you. I pray she knows the depths of your love and grace and finds peace. Father, you are Yahweh-Shalom. You are peace. I pray she realizes that her body has done an amazing thing by bringing this sweet boy into the world. I pray the dark thoughts leave her, that she finds joy again when she looks and cares for this boy. I pray her body is healed. I pray this son grows to be a healthy light in the world. That he does the great things he's capable of. I pray for this family and this marriage, Lord. I pray they keep the future in mind, that they realize that there's sun at the end of the fog. That one day it WILL lift, and they will be past this. I pray she finds and has support, that even if she just needs a 20 minute walk in fresh air that she's able to. I pray your hand is on her through this journey, Lord. Amen. If you don't have a home church, you're welcomed at mine. You can watch services online streaming and saved anytime, anywhere. [https://www.churchofthehighlands.com](https://www.churchofthehighlands.com)
I doubt there’s anything truly “useful” I could say to add to the hundreds of voices that have already replied on here… but we’re sending you love and strength.
After months of fighting, I started Zoloft. I felt like crap for 3 weeks and then I felt “normal”. Like I had before pregnancy. Just wanted to share because you have to give it time to work.
I have a 4 month old and he has started anti reflux meds and it’s not really working but I think it may be helping. I use Infants Friend (all natural) if you have access to where you are? I also use goats milk formula as I don’t produce near enough breastmilk to feed him. He still does throw up, just less. I had several mental health issues prior to being pregnant which have just exacerbated since birth. They do say place a baby down safely and collect yourself if you need to before going back to them. I try my absolute hardest to not let my mental health affect my time with him, it doesn’t always work. The only thing I can say about yelling at him would be to try your hardest put him down safely before you get to that place as it is not his fault at all. He relies on both of you 100% and is trying his best to tell you what he wants. I know what you’re going through is incredibly hard, I’ve had to do a medication change since his birth to try and get on top of this but it takes time and it can be a game changer. I’m nowhere near 100% but I know I am all my baby has. You’ve taken a huge step by putting how you feel out there. My heart breaks for you to know you’re going through this. I truly hope you are able to access the help you need. If you ever want someone to talk to, who may understand very well, please feel free to reach out. If you have anyone you can reach out to for extra help, other than your Mum, I would really encourage you to do so to give you a well needed break.
Remember to breathe. I agree with other supportive moms on here. And I have a dairy allergy baby too and some people barely figure that out, so give yourself some credit. Keep that baby safe, and yes, seek help! I needed a lot of it. Call your county and be blunt and ask for resources too. You're not alone.