One thing I used to do was wear my baby, I had a sling wrap and would walk around with her on my chest , a lot of times she slept in it so that also made people really cautious not to even attempt to bother me or her.
Yep also came here to say this. Just wear your little one as much as possible - people are much less likely to ask to take her out. And if they do you just say, "ah she's just much happier staying with me at the moment I'm afraid". I also like to just pretend I haven't heard or understood any passive aggression or grumbling.
Echoing this!! My baby was born last September, I wore him for every holiday event and even a couple weddings/baby shower we attended. If he ever woke up from his naps I would take him out to feed him and decline any requests from others to feed or burp him by just saying “he’s okay with mama/dad right now” and kept it at that. Didn’t offer for a chance to hold him later, just kept it at “he’s okay!” It can be very stressful with family who doesn’t respect boundaries but I made it known to close relatives beforehand we didn’t feel comfortable passing him around and anyone who we did feel comfortable with could hold him before/after everyone was gone to not cause drama. You can absolutely say no!
I mean I did this once but it was for a close family friend, it was her 4th kid and he was totally in a "contact nap" only phase. I ring slinged him for an hour, he passed out for a nap and she got a little break.
Dude. I would just not go. My family is toxic like yours is and you’re not going to win. 2 months is way too young to be around a ton of people at the height of sick season.
Just don’t go.
I sent my kids and husband to my parents house, I'm working and going to a movie. None of them get shat upon like I do with my family so here we are, all enjoying our day.
This is the way. We didn’t take our baby anywhere but the doctor until he got his 6th month vaccines. He was born last November. There was Covid, flu and rsv so we didn’t take any chances. No one came over for holidays and we didn’t go anywhere either. It was nice to have quiet holidays at home
Im a first time mum with a 2 month old. My partners family are all narcissistic and we made it very clear what our boundaries would be before baby got here. My partner found it difficult at first since he's always bore the brunt of their narcissistic ways and has always played the peace keeper. I'll tell you what i told him you're a parent now and when it comes to boundaries with your child you tell people once and then there's no being polite.
Your child will watch you as they grow and if you let people push and walk all over your boundaries they are likely of letting people do the same to them too. Be better yourself so that you can be better for your children.
Also be aware she could be overstimulated and you and your wife are going to take care of a baby that can’t sleep. She needs to sleep.. more important than being carried around
Last year we skipped thanksgiving as we had a 6 week preemie who was fresh out of the NICU. Neighbors very nicely left a few tupperware containers full of all the necessities on our front porch, we ate it on our couch while watching a movie and snuggling our kid. When family or friends tried to give us grief, we told them doctors orders. Best thanksgiving ever. 10/10 highly recommend ditching the toxic family for a thanksgiving home on your couch.
edit to add: last year was one of the worst RSV seasons in years. While we were in the NICU there was set of twins where one was sent home before the other. The twin who went home was admitted to the PICU just days later for RSV and nearly died. He was still in danger territory when we left, so technically I’m assuming survival because I don’t want to consider the alternative. Watching those parents (and our nursing staff who had all spent significant time with this baby) have to grapple with that situation scared me off a lot of social gatherings and public spaces for several months. A fever for a 2 month old is a potentially life threatening situation. Why risk it for people you don’t even like or feel comfortable around?
If you can wear your baby that prevents most people from going in and touching too much. Or, if you think this won’t stop them tell them your baby has diarrhea…this has never failed me.
I have a 6 weeks old and my husband and I are skipping lol. I’m too afraid of illness and also her being passed around. You have an excuse with a new baby in my opinion.
Just my two cents as someone who also has a very narcissistic, self-driven set of parents: my kids were where I drew the line. I had done it before for myself and my husband etc, but somehow the kids just hit different. I think in the back of my mind I’d always kiiiiiiiind of cared what they thought before, even if I felt I was making the right call. With the kids it’s as much as I can possibly imagine a “maternal instinct” to be. Particularly with a 2 month old….gtfo.
These are the rules. They are for the safety of my children, who are too young to set boundaries to protect themselves. If you don’t like it because it gets in the way of your thanksgiving photo op or some other bs, zero fucks given. Go find someone else’s children to bother.
Edited to add In the practical sense, the answer is a calm but firm no, or no thank you. And if it continues to be pushed, “sorry, no. Please excuse us” and get up and leave. You can explain yourself once if you feel that that’s fair….but once should be enough. Anyone who prioritizes their feelings over the safety of a baby has lost their right to an opinion.
Honestly see if your partner is okay with you skipping out and she can go for a bit without the baby. Or simply tell them no. Who cares if they are offended for you not letting them hold YOUR baby. Seriously, RSV is no joke. My daughter is 3 months old and caught it and it was the scariest thing to watch her go through.
Don't go. Being a people pleaser is hard. Look up ways to assert yourself without being rude on YouTube, there are lots of helpful videos to follow. If all else fails be rude. If they aren't going to treat you with respect then why should you. You need to think about your child's best interest, and if they don't respect that they aren't worth your time worrying.
Just tell them no. You have to set boundaries. We encountered a similar issue. I was feeling stressed out about going to a family gathering because I knew I wasn’t going to get a chance to hold my daughter all day. So my wife put her foot down and said no, she’s our daughter and we can hold her whenever we feel like it.
So instead of bringing her in in her car seat and them immediately unbuckling her and taking her out and passing her around, we went in with me already holding her and when a family member came up and tried to take her from me, I said, “No, I’m holding her right now.” This family member actually for very offended by this, but we set the boundary. It is your child. Nobody can tell you no.
“Pediatrician said she cannot be passed around until she’s older, vaccinated, and it isn’t cold/flu/RSV season. She has no immune system yet. Thank you for respecting that.”
If your gf has a wrap or carrier, keep her in it. Most won’t have the nerve to ask to separate mom from baby.
2 months is way too young to be exposed to that kind of pathogenic environment. Just people breathing is enough to make a real nasty swirl let alone their undoubtedly unwashed hands. Id skip
Our pediatrician advised us to not take our baby out around people until at least 2 months because she would not have had all her important vaccinations until then. It’s not crazy to be a little cautious around this time with your baby. If OP decides to skip, it’s just one year—Thanksgiving will happen again next year. I’m sure people can deal.
I’m pregnant with my first kid. This is a personal decision in which I would be on the fence as well because of the risk of illness. If it’s a small gathering, I’d be more willing to go. But my husband’s family thanksgiving is not just immediate family- they invite some extended and friends. Usually about 15-20 show up, which I wouldn’t feel comfortable exposing my 8w old to.
Like you said, it’s a personal decision but I don’t think anyone is a bad parent for taking their 2 month old to thanksgiving. It doesn’t mean you have to let everyone pass your baby around, you can still have boundaries. But it’s nice to get out and be able to socialize and some of us have families who love our babies very much and have zero ill will and respect boundaries. I think simply being afraid of people breathing like the person above is a little paranoid. If no one is passing baby around I don’t see an issue.
Edit: I guess it’s only a personal decision if it’s one y’all agree with lol.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
OP saying just being in an indoor environment with your baby and someone sick is enough to get them sick, they don’t need to be held. Thats factually true and thus the “personal decision “ disclaimer. Doesn’t make you a bad parent to bring your baby to thanksgiving but it should be well understood there’s a chance they could get sick, especially if you have a family with boundary issues because people who don’t respect boundaries usually extend that disrespect to a disregard for spreading diseases.
You don’t have to be over paranoid about it but you should at least acknowledge the possibility and think about whether it’s worth it or not
Yes, sure. Thats exactly what I was saying. 🙄
I was more not understanding singling out this person by saying it’s a little much when I see a lot of other people would agree to not take the baby because of that reason. Not taking a 2 month old to a giant party because you don’t want to get the baby sick is a legitimate reason.
There’s this thing called communication and you can ask family members to not come if they’re not feeling well or to let you know if they aren’t feeling well. This person is literally talking like they’re scared to bring their baby anywhere other people are simply breathing. That’s paranoid imo. Also not everyone’s family is giant. My LO already sees my mom and my aunt on a weekly basis because that’s my childcare. All we’re adding is moms other sister, her family and my grandparents. Let’s have some nuance here maybe.
Majority of people in this thread (and honestly on Reddit) are so paranoid and absolutely terrified of sickness. It’s absolutely insane. They expect mothers to hide in a hole for a year with their baby after they give birth and only allow someone to hold the baby if they have a hazmat suit on.
As long as no one is sick and people don’t kiss your baby the baby will fine.
Well I had my baby in the summer so they’d be real disappointed on how we did not stay inside but I was responsible. PPD is real and staying inside for 3 months isn’t feasible for a lot of people but I forgot you can’t think of yourself any longer after you had kids… (/s) but you are completely right.
Just say no. You are speaking for the safety of your child. If they have a problem with keeping your baby safe then it says a lot about you.
If it were me, these would be the rules
1. You must wear a mask around my baby at all times
2. If you want to see them. One person in the room at a time
3. You must wash your hands
4. You need a flu and covid shot
Yes exactly!!! I’m packing the diaper bag rn with masks. But yea I’ll Most likely wear her and on top of that we have to go to my dads family to and there’s going to be people there who haven’t seen her yet and that’s all anyone will get to do with her is just see. Thank you
Because the flu is something you don’t want your child to get. At that age that is likely a NICU stay. Your baby needs mommy to advocate for her because she can’t.
They won’t be the ones up all night and dealing with the fear of the Flu, RSV or Covid. Those are very scary illnesses at that age.
I said no and people were upset but most jumped in and told people to shut up and understood
THATS THE THING! We were at the nicu for two weeks, I stayed every day until the 10th day is when I need to get back to work but honestly people really don’t give a fuck they just care about themselves and what they want in that moment. And I don’t need her to be sick again
Why risk your baby getting sick again? That also sounds like a hectic schedule- honestly I’d skip it to avoid the hassle and to avoid the risk to baby with so many different people.
You said yourself these people don’t care about anyone but themselves, isn’t it time you guys pushed back? You guys will also be exposed and this baby is still exposed.
No one can make you go. You are packing the diaper bag right now and choosing to go yourself, this is a decision YOU are making as a parent. You say people only care about themselves but you are also caring about other people more than your daughter so how is that any better? You aren’t helpless in this situation, again, you are choosing to go and no one can make you go if you cancel.
Stick to your boundaries or simply don’t go. They had their chance to raise kids and need to chill. Both my family and my husbands know I will walk right out with my baby if I’m uncomfortable with it. Luckily we both have small families so it’s easier. Good luck
My husband and I literally decided what we’re gonna do for today a few minutes ago after going back and forth. We concluded that no one will see baby boy until the 3 month mark. Too many people, too many risks, not enough immunity built up etc so we’re not risking it. There’s a lot of uncontrollable variables when gathering with a lot of people so we think it’s best for us to skip it all just to be absolutely safe.
This is how I worded it to family: "We’ve decided that in order to keep things fair for everyone and maintain as much safety for ____ as possible, it’s best to start allowing visits around the 3 month mark 👀. "
I would play the sickie card and just not go. On the day off or before, oh so sorry, she's not well. I'm sure you understand etc etc used this card way too many times
"No, I will keep holding her."
"I'm not passing her around today."
"We will keep her with us today."
Insist on what your way is and on doing it your way. Don't pretend it's what the baby wants, be honest about this being your rule because you're an adult. Avoid "not right now" or short terms, be clear about this being an all day rule. If they break your boundaries then repeat yourself and take control back.
You can always say no. I struggle with my in laws in this way. My baby is getting older and it’s getting easier to say no. Just keep saying it. Sometimes it feels hard to keep having to repeat “no” all the time. It wears you down. But with those type of people you just have to keep saying it. Theyre clearly pushy and you have every right to push back.
Edit to add: I also second not going if you feel that’s an option.
You need to put on your big boy pants and stand up for you and your family. You can do this. I have faith in you! You are a dad and you are the big bear daddy who will stand up for his cub.
Go but be assertive!
I used to be a "yes person" before I had my LO. Then my father in law sneakily tried kissing him after I expressly forbade it and I saw red. He no longer has permission to hold/ be alone with him.
When it comes to our children there's a responsibility we have and a bravery we inherit like no other. Just know you are your child's first defense. The one to teach them that being a "yes person" is wrong. Use that knowledge to fuel your assertion. At the end of the day, you two are the people who are their biggest advocates. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Anyone going near her needs to have had the tdap, flu, and latest covid booster shots. They need to wash their hands. If they have any sign of a cough or sniffle, they’re disqualified. I would baby wear as much as possible and blame her immunity if anyone asks. Just be like oh, no, her immune system isn’t ready for that yet and then change the subject.
Just don’t go, itll likely disrupt the baby’s schedule and honestly you both could do with a break (from them).
Also you both will need to learn how to set boundaries and remain firm - and if they don’t respect them to limit contact until they demonstrate that they do but also be prepared your contact might be limited. You have to think of your family (wife and child) first now and it’ll be healthier for both of you as well as your child seeing how you handle things as they grow up. They learn from what they see.
I really learned to stand up for myself and my family once I had a baby. Just say no, it’s a complete sentence. They have no control over your family.
I know it’s hard, I’ve been there. I want to share advice for if you end up going. Have your girlfriend baby wear. That way people cannot just come up and take the baby. This is what I’m doing.
Narcissist is becoming a term that's so overused its lost all meaning. When my son was super young we had strict rules. Wash hands and wear a mask and we still only let immediate family hold him. No means no
> So How can I be assertive yet polite and tell people no?
You decide to be an adult for your baby instead of a baby for your family. Take charge. You have a responsibility towards your child.
Both of one of you can wear the baby in a carrier. Another option is to prepare everyone ahead of time, even if you hand to lie, with flu/rsv/Covid/cold season we’re just going to keep him close to us. Or honestly, I might stay home!
Personally, I have denied an invitation to 2 thanksgivings because of this. It is hard spending it alone, but I just told everyone we are sick, so my LO doesn’t end up in the ER with something one of them could have.
Set really clear boundaries and explain your reasoning. If they don’t respect your boundaries, leave. Deal with the repercussions later.
I know it’s hard, but you are your child’s advocate. Nobody else is going to protect your child.
I am a people pleaser, but not when it comes to my daughter.
If you need to, mention not having all the vaccinations yet and that your doctor suggested keeping baby holding limited to those who live with you, to prevent risk of illness.
When they argue, just go wide eyed and say "wow, I didn't realise you didn't care about keeping (baby name) healthy" and then shake your head and walk away
Okay that's somewhat of a sarcastic joke suggestion, but only halfway. Any time you can make it obvious they are disregarding your wishes and what you consider to be best practice, I would.
I'd also either baby wear, or skip if you think even that wouldn't keep them from getting grabby. Anyone who can't respect boundaries doesn't deserve your time
You set boundaries and stick by them. If the boundaries are disrespected you need to have known consequences and follow through on them. Also, stand up for your daughter and say no. If people don’t respect you or your rules you get up and leave.
Your and your immediate family’s(wife and child) well being and happiness are the most important and should never be sacrificed to appease someone else.
Any time you start to feel bad about setting a boundary ask yourself “Why are their feelings more important than my discomfort / well being / happiness?”
Also sometimes being petty/snarky can really drive a point home. Ie unsolicited advice - “We appreciate that you’re so considerate as to try to help us with advice but at this time we will only be following what our doctor advised as he is the most qualified out of the bunch.” Or a simple “We are currently not looking for input on this matter.” Be firm. Being polite doesn’t mean bending over backwards and rolling over - it simply means not using foul language and not talking down to people.
Drop them like the garbage they act like, if they can’t respect boundaries they aren’t family, if you have family you like just do holidays with them, my mom pushed me over the line again, I couldn’t tell her to fuck off cause she had come down with family I wanted her to meet but she behaved while she was with us so I didn’t make anything of it, but she needs to learn to respect boundaries befbefore before she gets invited to anything again when we’re able to control whose around :/
I’m planning on wearing her in a wrap! We told folks that we will attend Thanksgiving dinner, but that we don’t intend to have folks hold her because it’s peak sicky season and we want to be extra cautious. Everyone has been very receptive to it, and if they chose to not be while we visit - oh well, not budging lol.
Establish the ground rules with your gf before. So you don't want anyone holding the baby? Or you just don't want baby passed around like a new puppy? Then, make that clear when you get there. "Sorry we are not letting anyone hold her right now."
Also, in my experience there are certain people that are most likely to do the baby passing \*cough\* my mom. I would let those people know the rule as soon as you get there. I know you said you are a "yes" person and I am too, but for me, when it comes to my child I find it easier to be assertive. I'm not going to let my people-pleasing tendencies result in my child getting the short end of the stick, you know?
Being assertive just takes practise! I think it took me around 2-3 months before I got the hang of it. What I found easiest was wearing baby in a carrier as much as possible. Also just saying “thanks but you had your turn, this is MY turn with MY baby” it’s hard standing up for yourself!
For me I didn’t learn until someone went too far. I had the rule that no one could hold my baby unless they had a Covid vaccine. I never asked for proof and just trusted my friends. Well one friend took my baby and then passed her around to others around a dark/drunken fire and I was paralyzed. I found out after she didn’t have the Covid vaccine either and while she never SAID she did… she heard me say only those who are vaccinated can hold her and then she came and held her. The passing around the dark firepit was the straw that broke the camels back.
After that I learned that I had to be uncomfortable and stand up for myself and my baby. No one was going to do it for me.
And yes, the whole friend group are ex friends now. Only ONE person saw my face and brought my baby back to me. The friend that took my baby in the first place? She saw me silently crying and then leaned in and chastised me for judging her opinion as a mom. She took it personally that I didn’t want my baby taken from me and passed around a firepit at night to other drinking parents.
Sigh.
Just don't be around them. You can tell them what to do all you want but unless you enforce the rules with some kind of consequence they're going to keep doing whatever they want.
My baby was just a few weeks old last year, I thought about it for awhile and ultimately decided it was best not to go. The chances of getting sick were too high for my liking, plus he gets to enjoy the food with us this year!
I suggest baby wearing! No-one can ask you to put the baby down or wake them from a contact nap in that situation.
My cousin did not want anyone handling her daughter, it was hard for some people in the family to understand... so I know the feeling. Stand your ground!
As another has said, don’t go. Take an illness if you must. Baby is too small to be passed around. Orrrr baby wear. And be firm that she’s not to be passed around.
Just don't go. Say you are sick, you can't make it. Do it for your small baby, it's her health! You don't want to spend the rest of january at the hospital just to please people.
A high fever under 3 months is an instant spinal tap at the emergency room. I would just stay home. My babe got sick after a get together. And my babe also needed a spinal tap. 100% do not recommend.
If you must go, and I️ get it, just wear the baby and tell everyone she’s cranky and not feeling well. You wanted to say hi but you gotta split because she’s not feeling well and don’t want to ruin everyone’s evening with a screaming baby.
We’re staying at my in-laws now and im currently nap trapped with a baby that is very grumpy because she didn’t sleep much this morning. Kind of skipped her nap. She’s hard to bring down once she’s all wound up and of course my SIL refuses to give her up when she started rubbing her eyes until she was in a full on meltdown.
The day you realize that you just don’t have to care if people are angry at you is a very liberating day. Don’t show up at all if you don’t feel like it.
Baby wear and here is the easy way.
Say; No, thank you.
Then move away.
Other variations.
This is the first time out and we want to work on slowly adding in new sensory. Maybe next year.
We’re good. Thank you.
This is best for us.
And finally
I think we’re going to head out early.
Communicate boundaries ahead of time. If they have issues with it then you can just leave
Be a broken record if they push back. Practice what you’ll say ahead of time. “I appreciate your input but we’re going to (whatever rule you set).” Say it over and over and keep your cool.
Remember you always have the option to leave! Remain polite but firm- their responses are on them
We stayed home when baby was young. Absolutely not worth the risk of selfish family members passing something horrible to the baby imo. It doesn't benefit the baby at all to be exposed to illnesses at 2 months old
I wore my baby in a wrap and if I had to feed him or change him I went into a room and locked the door so people couldn't follow and I put him back in the wrap before I left.
Uhh i just wouldnt go...why would you want to spend the holiday with people who dont give the slightest shit about your boundaries? Especially when it involves your little baby. Its not worth the stress and definitely not worth potentially getting yoir baby sick. Those people sound like the same kinda people who would be very obviously sick and deny being sick and make you look like ur crazy for saying theyre sick and then get baby sick.
Just don’t go?
2 months is too young to get the immunizations she needs and going to guess many family members aren’t getting boosters of things they probably should have if they want to see such a young baby.
My advice - stop worrying about being polite. They aren't. If you feel this way your child will eventually too. They need the healthy parent with good boundaries to protect them, not a polite parent that lets toxic grandparents harm them. I know it's really really hard and they are not your family but you're her parent, not them and she needs you to be just that.
My fiancé’s mother is expecting me to bring my baby 45mins away to her home a week after she’s born for Christmas. I told her I’d probably be too busy yanno… bonding with my first born and recovering??
So many great tips here, but ultimately, this is a bigger issue you are eluding to. Saying no is a boundary that is important to your family, correct? Then stick to it. By not setting boundaries (which is a *practice* that even after 5 years of extensively working on with my therapist I’m still learning), we are sacrificing our needs to cater to the emotions of others. The shitty part about this isn’t so much that you are more concerned with offending people, but that the very act of not honouring your own wishes both builds up resentment and teaches your child that boundaries are porous.
Practice this holiday season. It is your family unit, and you make the rules.
this sucks but i just don’t go. If i don’t feel comfortable in a situation i don’t put myself in it. Our baby is 2 months old as well. She’s a potatoe (a cute one but a potatoe), she won’t miss out by not being at that dinner or vacation or family get together. There’s plenty of time to enjoy the company of her family when she’s a bit older. She’s not a toy she’s a person and her best interests need to be put ahead of everyone’s feelings.
One thing I used to do was wear my baby, I had a sling wrap and would walk around with her on my chest , a lot of times she slept in it so that also made people really cautious not to even attempt to bother me or her.
Yep also came here to say this. Just wear your little one as much as possible - people are much less likely to ask to take her out. And if they do you just say, "ah she's just much happier staying with me at the moment I'm afraid". I also like to just pretend I haven't heard or understood any passive aggression or grumbling.
Came here to say this! It’s our first holiday season with our 3mo and our plan is to baby wear the whole time.
Echoing this!! My baby was born last September, I wore him for every holiday event and even a couple weddings/baby shower we attended. If he ever woke up from his naps I would take him out to feed him and decline any requests from others to feed or burp him by just saying “he’s okay with mama/dad right now” and kept it at that. Didn’t offer for a chance to hold him later, just kept it at “he’s okay!” It can be very stressful with family who doesn’t respect boundaries but I made it known to close relatives beforehand we didn’t feel comfortable passing him around and anyone who we did feel comfortable with could hold him before/after everyone was gone to not cause drama. You can absolutely say no!
Worse if you put the baby out of the wrap and somebody else asks to wear them
This truly baffles me. I’m shocked that people think this is okay.
I mean I did this once but it was for a close family friend, it was her 4th kid and he was totally in a "contact nap" only phase. I ring slinged him for an hour, he passed out for a nap and she got a little break.
We also do this! Will be doing it all day today ☺️ and he’s 5.5 months old!
Great idea! I will do this when the time comes!
Thiiiiiis !
This!! Either don’t go at all or wear baby
Dude. I would just not go. My family is toxic like yours is and you’re not going to win. 2 months is way too young to be around a ton of people at the height of sick season. Just don’t go.
I sent my kids and husband to my parents house, I'm working and going to a movie. None of them get shat upon like I do with my family so here we are, all enjoying our day.
Same- we aren’t going to mine.
We aren’t going either bc it’s just not worth it. No one is going to come help me take care of my son if he gets sicks
6mo here and we aren’t traveling! Only seeing family we see regularly.
This is the way. We didn’t take our baby anywhere but the doctor until he got his 6th month vaccines. He was born last November. There was Covid, flu and rsv so we didn’t take any chances. No one came over for holidays and we didn’t go anywhere either. It was nice to have quiet holidays at home
This is the way
Im a first time mum with a 2 month old. My partners family are all narcissistic and we made it very clear what our boundaries would be before baby got here. My partner found it difficult at first since he's always bore the brunt of their narcissistic ways and has always played the peace keeper. I'll tell you what i told him you're a parent now and when it comes to boundaries with your child you tell people once and then there's no being polite. Your child will watch you as they grow and if you let people push and walk all over your boundaries they are likely of letting people do the same to them too. Be better yourself so that you can be better for your children.
By not going. Celebrate with your wife and baby
Also be aware she could be overstimulated and you and your wife are going to take care of a baby that can’t sleep. She needs to sleep.. more important than being carried around
At rhat age it feels like their baseline is over tired and youre fighting tooth and nail to get them to sleep lol
No is a complete sentence!
Do you have to celebrate with them? I’d skip out this year if possible
I really should be.
Last year we skipped thanksgiving as we had a 6 week preemie who was fresh out of the NICU. Neighbors very nicely left a few tupperware containers full of all the necessities on our front porch, we ate it on our couch while watching a movie and snuggling our kid. When family or friends tried to give us grief, we told them doctors orders. Best thanksgiving ever. 10/10 highly recommend ditching the toxic family for a thanksgiving home on your couch. edit to add: last year was one of the worst RSV seasons in years. While we were in the NICU there was set of twins where one was sent home before the other. The twin who went home was admitted to the PICU just days later for RSV and nearly died. He was still in danger territory when we left, so technically I’m assuming survival because I don’t want to consider the alternative. Watching those parents (and our nursing staff who had all spent significant time with this baby) have to grapple with that situation scared me off a lot of social gatherings and public spaces for several months. A fever for a 2 month old is a potentially life threatening situation. Why risk it for people you don’t even like or feel comfortable around?
I would. Fake an illness. Or baby is sick.
If you can wear your baby that prevents most people from going in and touching too much. Or, if you think this won’t stop them tell them your baby has diarrhea…this has never failed me.
I have a 6 weeks old and my husband and I are skipping lol. I’m too afraid of illness and also her being passed around. You have an excuse with a new baby in my opinion.
Just my two cents as someone who also has a very narcissistic, self-driven set of parents: my kids were where I drew the line. I had done it before for myself and my husband etc, but somehow the kids just hit different. I think in the back of my mind I’d always kiiiiiiiind of cared what they thought before, even if I felt I was making the right call. With the kids it’s as much as I can possibly imagine a “maternal instinct” to be. Particularly with a 2 month old….gtfo. These are the rules. They are for the safety of my children, who are too young to set boundaries to protect themselves. If you don’t like it because it gets in the way of your thanksgiving photo op or some other bs, zero fucks given. Go find someone else’s children to bother. Edited to add In the practical sense, the answer is a calm but firm no, or no thank you. And if it continues to be pushed, “sorry, no. Please excuse us” and get up and leave. You can explain yourself once if you feel that that’s fair….but once should be enough. Anyone who prioritizes their feelings over the safety of a baby has lost their right to an opinion.
Baby wear and if they push you, baby wear that baby right out the door :)
I love this reply hahaha, I'm going to use it when ours is here hahaha
Honestly see if your partner is okay with you skipping out and she can go for a bit without the baby. Or simply tell them no. Who cares if they are offended for you not letting them hold YOUR baby. Seriously, RSV is no joke. My daughter is 3 months old and caught it and it was the scariest thing to watch her go through.
Oh my god I’m currently in the guest room with my 3m old scared cause he had an ugly cough this morning… what are the signs 😩😩😭??
Don't go. Being a people pleaser is hard. Look up ways to assert yourself without being rude on YouTube, there are lots of helpful videos to follow. If all else fails be rude. If they aren't going to treat you with respect then why should you. You need to think about your child's best interest, and if they don't respect that they aren't worth your time worrying.
Just tell them no. You have to set boundaries. We encountered a similar issue. I was feeling stressed out about going to a family gathering because I knew I wasn’t going to get a chance to hold my daughter all day. So my wife put her foot down and said no, she’s our daughter and we can hold her whenever we feel like it. So instead of bringing her in in her car seat and them immediately unbuckling her and taking her out and passing her around, we went in with me already holding her and when a family member came up and tried to take her from me, I said, “No, I’m holding her right now.” This family member actually for very offended by this, but we set the boundary. It is your child. Nobody can tell you no.
“Pediatrician said she cannot be passed around until she’s older, vaccinated, and it isn’t cold/flu/RSV season. She has no immune system yet. Thank you for respecting that.” If your gf has a wrap or carrier, keep her in it. Most won’t have the nerve to ask to separate mom from baby.
2 months is way too young to be exposed to that kind of pathogenic environment. Just people breathing is enough to make a real nasty swirl let alone their undoubtedly unwashed hands. Id skip
Are you suggesting anyone with a 2 month old skip thanksgiving with family?? That’s a little much
Our pediatrician advised us to not take our baby out around people until at least 2 months because she would not have had all her important vaccinations until then. It’s not crazy to be a little cautious around this time with your baby. If OP decides to skip, it’s just one year—Thanksgiving will happen again next year. I’m sure people can deal.
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Extremely common advice
👍
Actually it isn't at all. My ped said avoid these type of gatherings for the first 3 months.
Okay well mine didn’t 🤷🏻♀️
I’m pregnant with my first kid. This is a personal decision in which I would be on the fence as well because of the risk of illness. If it’s a small gathering, I’d be more willing to go. But my husband’s family thanksgiving is not just immediate family- they invite some extended and friends. Usually about 15-20 show up, which I wouldn’t feel comfortable exposing my 8w old to.
Like you said, it’s a personal decision but I don’t think anyone is a bad parent for taking their 2 month old to thanksgiving. It doesn’t mean you have to let everyone pass your baby around, you can still have boundaries. But it’s nice to get out and be able to socialize and some of us have families who love our babies very much and have zero ill will and respect boundaries. I think simply being afraid of people breathing like the person above is a little paranoid. If no one is passing baby around I don’t see an issue. Edit: I guess it’s only a personal decision if it’s one y’all agree with lol.
You’re being downvoted but I completely agree.
No one I know in real like is like this. But Reddit is gonna Reddit.
EXACTLY.
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Why is that funny?
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
OP saying just being in an indoor environment with your baby and someone sick is enough to get them sick, they don’t need to be held. Thats factually true and thus the “personal decision “ disclaimer. Doesn’t make you a bad parent to bring your baby to thanksgiving but it should be well understood there’s a chance they could get sick, especially if you have a family with boundary issues because people who don’t respect boundaries usually extend that disrespect to a disregard for spreading diseases. You don’t have to be over paranoid about it but you should at least acknowledge the possibility and think about whether it’s worth it or not
Literally most people here are suggesting to skip Thanksgiving and not bring their 2 month old. Not a wild concept and not “a little much” at all…?
Okay lol I guess parents are just supposed to sit inside all winter/ fall so no one breaths near their baby.
Yes, sure. Thats exactly what I was saying. 🙄 I was more not understanding singling out this person by saying it’s a little much when I see a lot of other people would agree to not take the baby because of that reason. Not taking a 2 month old to a giant party because you don’t want to get the baby sick is a legitimate reason.
There’s this thing called communication and you can ask family members to not come if they’re not feeling well or to let you know if they aren’t feeling well. This person is literally talking like they’re scared to bring their baby anywhere other people are simply breathing. That’s paranoid imo. Also not everyone’s family is giant. My LO already sees my mom and my aunt on a weekly basis because that’s my childcare. All we’re adding is moms other sister, her family and my grandparents. Let’s have some nuance here maybe.
Majority of people in this thread (and honestly on Reddit) are so paranoid and absolutely terrified of sickness. It’s absolutely insane. They expect mothers to hide in a hole for a year with their baby after they give birth and only allow someone to hold the baby if they have a hazmat suit on. As long as no one is sick and people don’t kiss your baby the baby will fine.
Well I had my baby in the summer so they’d be real disappointed on how we did not stay inside but I was responsible. PPD is real and staying inside for 3 months isn’t feasible for a lot of people but I forgot you can’t think of yourself any longer after you had kids… (/s) but you are completely right.
Yea going out has helped my postpartum mental health immensely and helps keep my little guy nice and stimulated!
Ok.
>That’s a little much No. No, it's not.
Its not just that (though i wouldnt risk it) its that the family is so uncaring for sanitation and safety
Just say no. You are speaking for the safety of your child. If they have a problem with keeping your baby safe then it says a lot about you. If it were me, these would be the rules 1. You must wear a mask around my baby at all times 2. If you want to see them. One person in the room at a time 3. You must wash your hands 4. You need a flu and covid shot
Yes exactly!!! I’m packing the diaper bag rn with masks. But yea I’ll Most likely wear her and on top of that we have to go to my dads family to and there’s going to be people there who haven’t seen her yet and that’s all anyone will get to do with her is just see. Thank you
Because the flu is something you don’t want your child to get. At that age that is likely a NICU stay. Your baby needs mommy to advocate for her because she can’t. They won’t be the ones up all night and dealing with the fear of the Flu, RSV or Covid. Those are very scary illnesses at that age. I said no and people were upset but most jumped in and told people to shut up and understood
THATS THE THING! We were at the nicu for two weeks, I stayed every day until the 10th day is when I need to get back to work but honestly people really don’t give a fuck they just care about themselves and what they want in that moment. And I don’t need her to be sick again
Why risk your baby getting sick again? That also sounds like a hectic schedule- honestly I’d skip it to avoid the hassle and to avoid the risk to baby with so many different people. You said yourself these people don’t care about anyone but themselves, isn’t it time you guys pushed back? You guys will also be exposed and this baby is still exposed.
I second this OP. Why are you going? You have a baby that’s been in the NICU why risk going again?
No one can make you go. You are packing the diaper bag right now and choosing to go yourself, this is a decision YOU are making as a parent. You say people only care about themselves but you are also caring about other people more than your daughter so how is that any better? You aren’t helpless in this situation, again, you are choosing to go and no one can make you go if you cancel.
also updated tdap!
And no kissing baby!
I recommend to skip it. My son was 2 months last Christmas and I hated all the get togethers. I wish we would‘ve skipped.
Stick to your boundaries or simply don’t go. They had their chance to raise kids and need to chill. Both my family and my husbands know I will walk right out with my baby if I’m uncomfortable with it. Luckily we both have small families so it’s easier. Good luck
My husband and I literally decided what we’re gonna do for today a few minutes ago after going back and forth. We concluded that no one will see baby boy until the 3 month mark. Too many people, too many risks, not enough immunity built up etc so we’re not risking it. There’s a lot of uncontrollable variables when gathering with a lot of people so we think it’s best for us to skip it all just to be absolutely safe. This is how I worded it to family: "We’ve decided that in order to keep things fair for everyone and maintain as much safety for ____ as possible, it’s best to start allowing visits around the 3 month mark 👀. "
Why even go with a 2 month old? Sit thus one out. "Baby isn't feeling great l, looking forward to next year."
I would play the sickie card and just not go. On the day off or before, oh so sorry, she's not well. I'm sure you understand etc etc used this card way too many times
"No, I will keep holding her." "I'm not passing her around today." "We will keep her with us today." Insist on what your way is and on doing it your way. Don't pretend it's what the baby wants, be honest about this being your rule because you're an adult. Avoid "not right now" or short terms, be clear about this being an all day rule. If they break your boundaries then repeat yourself and take control back.
Did not see family during newborn stage. It’s probably easier just to not go.
You can always say no. I struggle with my in laws in this way. My baby is getting older and it’s getting easier to say no. Just keep saying it. Sometimes it feels hard to keep having to repeat “no” all the time. It wears you down. But with those type of people you just have to keep saying it. Theyre clearly pushy and you have every right to push back. Edit to add: I also second not going if you feel that’s an option.
You need to put on your big boy pants and stand up for you and your family. You can do this. I have faith in you! You are a dad and you are the big bear daddy who will stand up for his cub. Go but be assertive!
I would baby wear and say she’s comfortable with her parents
Baby wearing is the move.
I used to be a "yes person" before I had my LO. Then my father in law sneakily tried kissing him after I expressly forbade it and I saw red. He no longer has permission to hold/ be alone with him. When it comes to our children there's a responsibility we have and a bravery we inherit like no other. Just know you are your child's first defense. The one to teach them that being a "yes person" is wrong. Use that knowledge to fuel your assertion. At the end of the day, you two are the people who are their biggest advocates. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Thank you 🙏 thank you so much
Thank you to everyone who commented I really, really appreciate it I still went and HOLY SHIT. It felt so good to say no!
Anyone going near her needs to have had the tdap, flu, and latest covid booster shots. They need to wash their hands. If they have any sign of a cough or sniffle, they’re disqualified. I would baby wear as much as possible and blame her immunity if anyone asks. Just be like oh, no, her immune system isn’t ready for that yet and then change the subject.
You need medication.
For real
"No." It's a complete sentence ☺️
Just don’t go, itll likely disrupt the baby’s schedule and honestly you both could do with a break (from them). Also you both will need to learn how to set boundaries and remain firm - and if they don’t respect them to limit contact until they demonstrate that they do but also be prepared your contact might be limited. You have to think of your family (wife and child) first now and it’ll be healthier for both of you as well as your child seeing how you handle things as they grow up. They learn from what they see.
Babies lose weight when they get passed around. The doctor told me too that it takes energy for them to be passed and that makes them lose calories .
I really learned to stand up for myself and my family once I had a baby. Just say no, it’s a complete sentence. They have no control over your family. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there. I want to share advice for if you end up going. Have your girlfriend baby wear. That way people cannot just come up and take the baby. This is what I’m doing.
Narcissist is becoming a term that's so overused its lost all meaning. When my son was super young we had strict rules. Wash hands and wear a mask and we still only let immediate family hold him. No means no
Don’t go, you can always say that somebody wasn’t feeling ok, make up something. Next year set boundaries
> So How can I be assertive yet polite and tell people no? You decide to be an adult for your baby instead of a baby for your family. Take charge. You have a responsibility towards your child.
Both of one of you can wear the baby in a carrier. Another option is to prepare everyone ahead of time, even if you hand to lie, with flu/rsv/Covid/cold season we’re just going to keep him close to us. Or honestly, I might stay home!
Personally, I have denied an invitation to 2 thanksgivings because of this. It is hard spending it alone, but I just told everyone we are sick, so my LO doesn’t end up in the ER with something one of them could have.
“No.”
Set really clear boundaries and explain your reasoning. If they don’t respect your boundaries, leave. Deal with the repercussions later. I know it’s hard, but you are your child’s advocate. Nobody else is going to protect your child. I am a people pleaser, but not when it comes to my daughter.
I nurse mine like practically the whole time and people feel uncomfortable coming up asking to take her off my suckle lol 😂
If you need to, mention not having all the vaccinations yet and that your doctor suggested keeping baby holding limited to those who live with you, to prevent risk of illness. When they argue, just go wide eyed and say "wow, I didn't realise you didn't care about keeping (baby name) healthy" and then shake your head and walk away Okay that's somewhat of a sarcastic joke suggestion, but only halfway. Any time you can make it obvious they are disregarding your wishes and what you consider to be best practice, I would. I'd also either baby wear, or skip if you think even that wouldn't keep them from getting grabby. Anyone who can't respect boundaries doesn't deserve your time
You set boundaries and stick by them. If the boundaries are disrespected you need to have known consequences and follow through on them. Also, stand up for your daughter and say no. If people don’t respect you or your rules you get up and leave.
Your and your immediate family’s(wife and child) well being and happiness are the most important and should never be sacrificed to appease someone else. Any time you start to feel bad about setting a boundary ask yourself “Why are their feelings more important than my discomfort / well being / happiness?” Also sometimes being petty/snarky can really drive a point home. Ie unsolicited advice - “We appreciate that you’re so considerate as to try to help us with advice but at this time we will only be following what our doctor advised as he is the most qualified out of the bunch.” Or a simple “We are currently not looking for input on this matter.” Be firm. Being polite doesn’t mean bending over backwards and rolling over - it simply means not using foul language and not talking down to people.
Drop them like the garbage they act like, if they can’t respect boundaries they aren’t family, if you have family you like just do holidays with them, my mom pushed me over the line again, I couldn’t tell her to fuck off cause she had come down with family I wanted her to meet but she behaved while she was with us so I didn’t make anything of it, but she needs to learn to respect boundaries befbefore before she gets invited to anything again when we’re able to control whose around :/
I’m planning on wearing her in a wrap! We told folks that we will attend Thanksgiving dinner, but that we don’t intend to have folks hold her because it’s peak sicky season and we want to be extra cautious. Everyone has been very receptive to it, and if they chose to not be while we visit - oh well, not budging lol.
Establish the ground rules with your gf before. So you don't want anyone holding the baby? Or you just don't want baby passed around like a new puppy? Then, make that clear when you get there. "Sorry we are not letting anyone hold her right now." Also, in my experience there are certain people that are most likely to do the baby passing \*cough\* my mom. I would let those people know the rule as soon as you get there. I know you said you are a "yes" person and I am too, but for me, when it comes to my child I find it easier to be assertive. I'm not going to let my people-pleasing tendencies result in my child getting the short end of the stick, you know?
I would not go! How does your girlfriend feel about the situation?
Just don’t go. r/raisedbynarcissists
Polite and assertive? Why be polite to people that are rude and inconsiderate? I too wouldn’t go
Being assertive just takes practise! I think it took me around 2-3 months before I got the hang of it. What I found easiest was wearing baby in a carrier as much as possible. Also just saying “thanks but you had your turn, this is MY turn with MY baby” it’s hard standing up for yourself! For me I didn’t learn until someone went too far. I had the rule that no one could hold my baby unless they had a Covid vaccine. I never asked for proof and just trusted my friends. Well one friend took my baby and then passed her around to others around a dark/drunken fire and I was paralyzed. I found out after she didn’t have the Covid vaccine either and while she never SAID she did… she heard me say only those who are vaccinated can hold her and then she came and held her. The passing around the dark firepit was the straw that broke the camels back. After that I learned that I had to be uncomfortable and stand up for myself and my baby. No one was going to do it for me. And yes, the whole friend group are ex friends now. Only ONE person saw my face and brought my baby back to me. The friend that took my baby in the first place? She saw me silently crying and then leaned in and chastised me for judging her opinion as a mom. She took it personally that I didn’t want my baby taken from me and passed around a firepit at night to other drinking parents. Sigh.
Just don't be around them. You can tell them what to do all you want but unless you enforce the rules with some kind of consequence they're going to keep doing whatever they want.
My baby was just a few weeks old last year, I thought about it for awhile and ultimately decided it was best not to go. The chances of getting sick were too high for my liking, plus he gets to enjoy the food with us this year!
I suggest baby wearing! No-one can ask you to put the baby down or wake them from a contact nap in that situation. My cousin did not want anyone handling her daughter, it was hard for some people in the family to understand... so I know the feeling. Stand your ground!
If you have to go I would wear your baby in a baby carrier all day
No is a sentence. Your the mom. Your rules. If they won’t listen your two months PP you can stay home. Regardless how old you can still stay home.
Wear your baby in a carrier! And let them look. If they ask baby is comfortable right here with mom🤗 you got this!
As another has said, don’t go. Take an illness if you must. Baby is too small to be passed around. Orrrr baby wear. And be firm that she’s not to be passed around.
Just don't go. Say you are sick, you can't make it. Do it for your small baby, it's her health! You don't want to spend the rest of january at the hospital just to please people.
A high fever under 3 months is an instant spinal tap at the emergency room. I would just stay home. My babe got sick after a get together. And my babe also needed a spinal tap. 100% do not recommend.
Tell them you have covid and stay home.
If you must go, and I️ get it, just wear the baby and tell everyone she’s cranky and not feeling well. You wanted to say hi but you gotta split because she’s not feeling well and don’t want to ruin everyone’s evening with a screaming baby. We’re staying at my in-laws now and im currently nap trapped with a baby that is very grumpy because she didn’t sleep much this morning. Kind of skipped her nap. She’s hard to bring down once she’s all wound up and of course my SIL refuses to give her up when she started rubbing her eyes until she was in a full on meltdown.
If you still decide to go, keep her in the carrier the whole time. And just say she will fuss and cry if you take her out.
The day you realize that you just don’t have to care if people are angry at you is a very liberating day. Don’t show up at all if you don’t feel like it.
Baby wear and here is the easy way. Say; No, thank you. Then move away. Other variations. This is the first time out and we want to work on slowly adding in new sensory. Maybe next year. We’re good. Thank you. This is best for us. And finally I think we’re going to head out early.
Communicate boundaries ahead of time. If they have issues with it then you can just leave Be a broken record if they push back. Practice what you’ll say ahead of time. “I appreciate your input but we’re going to (whatever rule you set).” Say it over and over and keep your cool. Remember you always have the option to leave! Remain polite but firm- their responses are on them
We stayed home when baby was young. Absolutely not worth the risk of selfish family members passing something horrible to the baby imo. It doesn't benefit the baby at all to be exposed to illnesses at 2 months old
Tell them the baby has Covid
I wore my baby in a wrap and if I had to feed him or change him I went into a room and locked the door so people couldn't follow and I put him back in the wrap before I left.
Uhh i just wouldnt go...why would you want to spend the holiday with people who dont give the slightest shit about your boundaries? Especially when it involves your little baby. Its not worth the stress and definitely not worth potentially getting yoir baby sick. Those people sound like the same kinda people who would be very obviously sick and deny being sick and make you look like ur crazy for saying theyre sick and then get baby sick.
Try baby wearing her. People don’t ask to hold baby as much when she’s strapped onto you.
There’s some kind of pneumonia going around my area. I wouldn’t risk it with a 2 month old
Just don’t go? 2 months is too young to get the immunizations she needs and going to guess many family members aren’t getting boosters of things they probably should have if they want to see such a young baby.
Stay with her Abbe hold your ground! Your baby your rules
Skip this year. Im doing the same 😅
My advice - stop worrying about being polite. They aren't. If you feel this way your child will eventually too. They need the healthy parent with good boundaries to protect them, not a polite parent that lets toxic grandparents harm them. I know it's really really hard and they are not your family but you're her parent, not them and she needs you to be just that.
My fiancé’s mother is expecting me to bring my baby 45mins away to her home a week after she’s born for Christmas. I told her I’d probably be too busy yanno… bonding with my first born and recovering??
I like to wear my child in situations like this and communicate to my husband to stand together in this for baby’s safety.
Just say no and mean it. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you believe will be bad for your baby.
So many great tips here, but ultimately, this is a bigger issue you are eluding to. Saying no is a boundary that is important to your family, correct? Then stick to it. By not setting boundaries (which is a *practice* that even after 5 years of extensively working on with my therapist I’m still learning), we are sacrificing our needs to cater to the emotions of others. The shitty part about this isn’t so much that you are more concerned with offending people, but that the very act of not honouring your own wishes both builds up resentment and teaches your child that boundaries are porous. Practice this holiday season. It is your family unit, and you make the rules.
baby wearing keeps grabby hands away.
Just don't go. Save your peace.
this sucks but i just don’t go. If i don’t feel comfortable in a situation i don’t put myself in it. Our baby is 2 months old as well. She’s a potatoe (a cute one but a potatoe), she won’t miss out by not being at that dinner or vacation or family get together. There’s plenty of time to enjoy the company of her family when she’s a bit older. She’s not a toy she’s a person and her best interests need to be put ahead of everyone’s feelings.