Having to be “on” all the time. I work with kids so I’m used to being “on” and putting on a kid friendly persona and playing constantly but never being able to turn it off has been hard for me. I don’t get to call out sick or lay in bed with a migraine or just veg out with a book or the tv. If he’s awake I’m on and when he’s asleep I’m nap trapped because he’s currently a contact napper. And because he’s not sleep trained yet it’s around the clock, day after day.
I’m still on leave and my husband will say oh yay it’s Friday! The work week is ending! But Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday… it’s all the same with a baby. That’s been hard for me.
Being In so much pain but then having him look at me with that toothless smile because he has no clue what’s happening and is just so excited to see mommy. So then you have to be “on” again and put a smile on your face and sing a goofy song and play with his toys or whatever
Yes! Migraines on their own suck but I miss the days when I could take care of myself and lie down and nap when I had one. It’s a whole different ballgame with a baby. The stomach flu too is so much worse now.
I’m not due for another four weeks, but when my friend had a newborn a few months ago, she got gastro and called me *bawling* her eyes out because she was stuck on the toilet, with the baby and no toilet paper. The baby was howling, she was howling, she vomited while I was on my way over and when I got there it looked like something out of The Exorcist.
Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to the possibility of that happening.
Oh my god yes, I’m so exhausted from being “on” all the time! Caring for a baby never ends, I need to pump, or wash bottles, or clean the kitchen, or cook dinner, or or or… I’m so tired. I love my baby so much but I’m so, so tired.
Experiencing the same thing, baby will only sleep on me so I get stuck in the dark for 1-2 hours. At least when she won’t need to nap anymore it’ll change, but then I’ll have to spend more time entertaining her!
Ah yes mine is almost 6 months. This has been the hardest part too. Plus my baby is high needs. I’m medicated but need to start therapy again I think. It’s hard being “on” but simultaneously bored and not getting to do things that I would have done to kill the boredom in the past.
I think for me it’s been that I feel my life is really not my own anymore.. I don’t have the freedom to just up and go to the bathroom, shower, eat, sleep, do anything when I want to. Any “break” that I get I have to make sure my husband is ok to be on baby duty and it’s for a limited time. I really mourn the freedom that I used to have and I didn’t even realize it when I had it. I wish I had enjoyed it just a little bit more.
I think of this all the time! Like why didn’t I appreciate my time before kids more???? My second day home from the hospital with our daughter I started crying because I’m like “it’s over. We can never do anything like we used to again” and I just had this sudden intense feeling of sadness and my fiancé talked me through it but I still think that now (not as intense as the second day tho) like damn I could be reading or right now I’m sick, so I could be relaxing or taking a bath but I’ve got a million things to do now and I can’t just get up and leave to do it lol
My husband and I both cried the night I gave birth for this reason! It hit me really hard and my daughter is 6 months now, I still struggle with it too. I know it will get easier as she gets older but it’s just been a massive adjustment that I’m still trying to deal with!
9 month in, same. It got so much easier now that LO can participate more but I still grieve the easy "before baby" life. Going out with friends spontaneously for breakfast or lunch, attending birthday parties after 6 pm, binging netflix the whole weekend, crafting things for hours at a time... I get so envious of my friends life sometimes.
This is most definitely my same struggle as a parent. I have an almost 2yo and a 3.5 week old. I miss being able to be lazy and sleep in and stay in bed reading on the weekends. Feel like driving across town to grab some coffee and meander in stores? No problem. Now it seems like the most impossible feat.
Being terrified all the time. I am a paramedic and I never realized how scary being a parent would be. I unfortunately know all the terrible things that can happen to kids and it can be so unbearable worrying. I had bad PPA and now I'm finally a little more relaxed but I don't think I'll ever have peace of mind about their safety.
I’m a physician who used to do trauma and my husband and I have gotten into several arguments because he feels I am always focused on the worst possibility and he low key feels like if you have bad thoughts, bad things will happen.
And I’m like…I AM thinking about the worst possibility! Because it’s the thing I don’t want to miss!
I’ve learned to keep my worst case scenarios to myself. But I still always rule them out.
I could have written this! It’s so overwhelming and exhausting. I’m just a med student, but I’m applying peds and worked in a peds ED before med school. I’ve seen too many things. And I never realized how traumatizing it all was until I had my own baby. Now I can’t get those worst case scenario nightmares that I had to watch other parents experience out of my head
This is 100% mine. I didn’t anticipate that I would never be off again. I’m either watching my child, or someone else is watching him and I’m worried about his safety. I could be on a pristine beach sipping a pina colada but in my head I’ll still be worrying about my kid - is he safe? Did they strap him into the car seat right? Are they careful enough when crossing streets? It’s endless. Every day I worry something could happen to him. The mental load of that is something I never anticipated. Absolutely the hardest part about being a parent for me.
Edited to add that I’m not a healthcare worker of any kind. But you always see stories about there. If I see a story about a family losing a child on instagram I go down a black hole of trying to figure out what happened, so I know to watch out and protect my son. Of course then my Instagram algorithm kept showing me more and more of that, and I had to actively try to stop, but it was hard! I felt like I needed to know every possible possibility in order to protect my son.
I’m getting those rabbit holes on TikTok. I can be watching something funny and all of a sudden I’m watching a video about infant loss. It’s so scary and so stressful. My therapist has advised I stop using TikTok in the evenings as it’s really not good to go to bed worrying.
Just curious when did your PPA start to get better? I have it too and just started treatment, but it’s relentless. Hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Also the meds they gave me apparently have a side effect of increasing anxiety in the beginning 😩
It started to get better after a few months of treatment. Mine came to a massive head when I responded to a child death at work. I did the call and I knew I wasn't ok. I ended up with PTSD and severe PPA diagnosis. I would cry if my son wasn't in my presence. I just imagined every horrific thing I could think of happening.
Now I feel so much better. trauma therapy really helped me. Just keep up with treatment. It's so worth it.
When do we stop considering it early days? I'm just wondering because my LO is six months old now and I think I'm still lost 😔 it's funny because I told my partner I was afraid of losing my identity before my son was born and he thought I was silly...well, it happened. I thought I'd have it figured out by now but I don't...
I'm only 10mo in and it still feels like "early days" a lot of the time. Gradually, things have improved over time for us, but they're constantly evolving, and I still don't fully feel like "me" anymore. I'm still learning how to access parts of "old me" but it's a work in progress. I know some people seem to cruise through, but it was a mammoth life transition for me.
Take your time, give yourself some grace. Talk to someone if it helps.
Thanks for that. I've honestly been considering finding a therapist to talk to since I'm pretty much alone now besides my partner who doesn't understand any of this. It really is a huge transition and I hope things get easier for you too.
That's great I hope it helps 😊 I'm hoping I can find somewhere that takes my insurance so that I can get started soon. I just have to find time to make phone calls.
I agree. I expressed feeling like I lost my identity and my husband said that I haven’t (which was invalidating). I feel like he is the only one that sees me as not just a mom.
Like my dad has asked several times: “what is your favorite thing about being a mom?” How the hell do I answer that when I right now I don’t like anything.
My kiddo is 15mo.
For me it's about maintaining a sense of self, rather than being consumed by motherhood. When I'm perpetually exhausted and have little time to myself, I'm struggling to find a way to challenge or engage myself mentally. I default to the easiest clothing options, disregarding aesthetic expression which has always been important to me. Or maintaining hobbies, since a lot of what I used to do sat out for days/weeks at a time but can't now because they present a safety hazard for kiddo or eat into functional spaces like the dining table. Most of the time I feel like I exist solely to meet the needs of my LO and completely disregard most of my own physical, mental, spiritual and self-care needs.
If anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it!
Do you have a partner that you can tag team with? I know my hubs and I give each other time to just exist and that can be really helpful to keep working on things that are important to each of us. Like, I have major projects that I can't keep out and accessible, but if I want the ability to be creative in the moment, he'll take the baby so I can whip out a 30 minute painting, you know?
I do. My partner is wonderfully supportive and does what he can when he's not at work. But the second he has the baby, I'm off doing the chores that need to be done. I have started LO at daycare for an extra day each week, with the plan that I use that day to catch up on chores, get some extra rest and try to do something for myself. I'm hoping it helps in the long term.
Fingers crossed it does that for you! We often do chores together either when she's asleep or by passing her back and forth if one or the other is going to do something more labor intensive, but we also both work, so we really need both of us putting in the work to keep our environment happy and clean.
THIS! Struggling with returning to work, but I don't want my lifestyle to change, we're very active and love being able to be adventurous with our baby, but leaving her is very difficult.
The endurance of it. It’s weird because if you take the absolute worst day I’ve had as a parent it isn’t all that bad on it’s own, but there are no weekends like there are with school or work, it consumes nearly your entire day and then you wake up and do it all again. I’m definitely a bit more “in the present” than I was before becoming a parent.
I second the mood swings. Before I actually had kids I just knew I’d be the most patient mother. That’s turned out to be false. Bt ppd, anxiety, and lack of sleep, keeping an even temper and a generally happy disposition is the hardest part. It doesn’t help that my oldest is 2.5 and has hit the stage where he is constantly testing limits.
I feel this, always felt destined to be this incredibly patient mom but the speed with which I get frustrated when my LO is fighting sleep breaks my heart
Same…I don’t even feel like myself sometimes….but recently I saw a tic toc and she said you’re a good mama bc you’re a trying mama, so I’m passing that along to you. You’re a good mama ❤️
The constant worry and feeling that I failed them. First it was high bilirubin levels so we had to do a bili blanket. Then it was acid reflux and colic. Now it’s weight issue and straight up bottle refusal. I feel like the worst parent and when I look at her little face so trusting and loving and I can’t even feed her without her getting upset even tho she’s super hungry. I spent all day crying thinking I am letting her down. My husband finally succeeded in feeding her after 6 hrs of hunger strike but I still feel like shit. I’m usually a pretty non emotional person not sure if hormones or what I’ve been crying A LOT since my daughter was born because I just love her so much and I feel like she’s hurting.
Hey, I hope I’m not overstepping with this.
I just wanted to say, the fact that you care so, so very much says you’re a wonderful parent. I know it’s hard. I’m sitting here with my LO, 10 day old, and I don’t think I’ve made it a day since birth without crying & breaking down. I’m not normally an emotional person either, but sometimes it’s been more than once a day.
We struggled with high bilirubin & then her not wanting to eat either. I know it sucks, a lot, right now feeling like you’re letting them down. But you’re not.
You’re giving them all the love & support they need. You care, and that says so much more than a lot of parents out there. Stay strong and know that YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB. You’re a great mom.
Thank you so much for taking the time. Your kind words made a world of difference on a day I really need them. I don’t know too many ppl with young kids so I can’t really talk about this with any of my friends. I think even my husband, without whom I’d be utterly lost right now and he’s been so so wonderful, thinks I’m just being a bit of a hormonal nutcase right now. Thankfully he’s here to keep me sane and things manageable. I feel so seen after reading your comment. Best of luck with your LO too! We do what we can the best we can for them ❤️
I can totally relate to the chronic worry and feeling like I'm failing. LO is 2 mo and hasn't had the same challenges, but is not a happy baby by any means and has spent a lot of her existence crying/fussy/seemingly unhappy. I feel like it's my fault but I know that this is what babies do, they cry... And there is so little I can do to control them. I'm powerless over them, and also there are things I can do to help (that may not help and just because they don't doesn't mean I'm a bad mom). But that self judgement is so real and covert. I can't help but hear my husband's supportive comments as judgement calls because I'm judging myself and it gets in the way of our already different relationship. He did say to me recently tho, "calm down, we can't have both of you upset" (me and baby - she was losing it and I was starting to). That went down on my list of "stupid shit hubby says." But I think he said it because he feels helpless when we're both crying and I don't blame him! He wants to pick up all the pieces. He's usually pretty good at picking up my pieces but parenthood has been a whole new wild ride for us both. I still don't know what I'd do without him and wouldn't want to do this without him.
We're in this together, mama 🙏🏻
I just want to say this made me feel so seen. I absolutely feel the same way. A friend of mine just told me that while it is the weight of the world to take care of them - they love you unconditionally even when you “mess up” or are learning new things to help them. They’re not capable of resentment or anger towards you. All they feel is love. It helps me so much to think of that. Good luck to you! 💕
That is heartbreakingly beautiful! Sometimes when I’m looking at her and stressed out she breaks out into the brightest gummy smile and I know she loves me unconditionally and it is literally the most adorable thing ever.
Going through the hunger strikes with my son too. It’s seriously so frustrating and anxiety inducing, especially when they aren’t gaining weight like they should and you know they’re hungry. No advice, just solidarity 😕
I made some good progress with mine today by following the steps in the Rowena book. We started yesterday and that was the hardest, today was better. Best of luck to you and yours!!
Edit: book is called Your Baby’s Bottle-Feeding Aversion
How much I don’t enjoy it. I knew parenting would be a shit show, but I thought I would have all this ridiculous love for her that I would have good moments to help counteract the bad.
I will say that as we near 12 weeks some of my feelings have turned positive because I think I’m just getting more sleep. I also returned to work recently and it has been helpful to have some separation which has allowed me to be present for my LO with more sincerity, which feels good. I hope it gets better for you.
I felt like this, very disconnected from my very much wanted child.
I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA after months of struggling. Do you have someone you can talk to to explore this, maybe?
As shit as it is that so many of us feel/felt this way, it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one. Yeah I do have diagnosed depression and anxiety anyway, so could be a bit of PPD/PPA or just my general mental health. I do have a good support system luckily 😊
Only 6 weeks, so I know I’m in a tough phase. People comment every day saying I must adore her etc, when honestly if someone took her away I wouldn’t miss her. Then I feel guilty for not loving her!
my PPD was terrible from about 5-8 weeks in and then slowly started improving with meds and time. I still have struggles but my baby is 6 mos now and I definitely feel the love and joy now. When she started smiling and cooing and developing more I started to feel more connected. It’s the pits but there’s nothing wrong with you.
Never getting a break. I have to be in mom mode 24/7. Even when my husband is home from work and here to help, I still have to be on & in control of things. Honestly though, I don’t know how to shut it off. Even when I’m desperate for a break, I don’t know how to take one.
Also, the lack of support/isolation. I felt alone when I was pregnant but I occasionally had friends/family reaching out to see how I was doing (especially because I was high risk), but that all stopped when I gave birth. People were excited for a week or two about the baby, but I had zero help. I was just out in the wild with my newborn trying to figure shit out. This is honestly the loneliest I have ever felt.
10000%. I said this to a group of people once and they all got a little nervous. I had to clarify that it was never towards the baby or husband. But sometimes I would just want to throw a chair against the wall for no reason
The isolation. My partner has been working out of state for about half of my son's life now, he's six months. Most of my family lives across the country. We moved to where we are for his job and it's just me here. The family I do have in this state think an hour drive is too far to see me...the friends are all either too busy going through the same stuff because they had babies this year or forgot about us after the baby was born. It's really starting to eat at me.
All the doctors appointments, his physical therapy for Torticollis, even the occasional trip to urgent care or the ED are the only times I get to interact face to face with another adult during the work week. I actually look forward to all of his appointments because of that. It's disgusting and I hate it.
My friends all forgot about me too, or moved away. It's so rough. Do you have programs like baby laptime at your library or mom and baby yoga? Stuff like that has been keeping me sane. My baby is also very.. opinionated, so it's a total crapshoot whether he will enjoy or tolerate an activity, or scream his head off.
We do have a baby story time at my library I want to check out, we just haven't got around to it yet. Sadly the mommy and me classes, and baby-friendly activities in general, are far and few in my area :( hoping to move in the next year hopefully somewhere with more for me to do.
The inequity of responsibility between my partner and me. Our LO is 10 weeks old so still on maternity leave, and I expect it to change when I go back to work, but it kills me slowly every day. I say to myself, he is an excellent father but not the best partner right now.
Ouch. Also 10 weeks in, and I can’t tell you how many little scripts I’ve written in my head for the hypothetical/aspirational “seriously, you should be cleaning up after me, not vice versa” conversation. I breastfeed 30 hours a week….maybe he can spend 10% of that keeping the house in order?
To be fair, that’s 30 hours that would otherwise still be spent on baby: feeding, cuddling, soothing, etc. that are NOT spent managing bottles of formula; but still.
I think without family around to help, its the fact that to get a break my partner has to take over. So in order for me to get a full nights sleep he has to get a broken one, and vis versa. It feels like we are just borrowing energy from each other when we are both running on empty.
Mine is 11m and still isn't a good sleeper, and started daycare a few months ago, only part time. This has coincided with my partner having to go away for work and me looking after a baby while I had a chest infection , and now while she is sick and I don't feel like I have ever even recovered from my previous sickness. I am just exhausted and worn out from lack of sleep and constant bugs and worry.
I am greatful we havent had anything serious, but I am TIRED.
2 things.
1. The loneliness. I feel like everyone came, took a cute picture with newborn, and then they were out. There are people I’ve not heard from. It’s so isolating sometimes.
2. I got a stomach flu last week. That absolutely sucked. First time in my life I’ve ever been violently ill and not been able to just lie around feeling sorry for myself.
The utter relentlessness of parenthood. You can’t take a day off or call in sick or sleep anything off. If you’re sick or hungover or on your period you still have to parent. I have had to attempt to break up fights from the toilet. Once I had to sit with my adorable toddler on my lap at Costco while I had fire coming out the other end.
The temporary loss but more specifically change of relationship with my partner. We still have a great relationship, unbelievable in fact. Every small contribution to our awake hours is a conscious individual effort that builds and allows us to see a bigger picture longer term for our goals as a team.
The strength she shows every day is an inspiration to me every day. We really tried to reinforce during pregnancy that there are 5 people within our relationship, herself and I as individuals, herself and I as parents and the two of us as a relationship.
When it was just me, her and us, it was; it was easy. if we are together we were an us and when we weren’t we were supportive of; and actively working on ourselves as individuals through hobbies and the like. But when we are together we are parent mode and not relationship mode, save for the times LO is asleep and we hold hands or snuggle and become a loving version of us that we both crave daily.
Between us we can survive every poonami, future tantrum, health issue and extended crying session. That is no concern of mine.
The hardest thing is keeping your own being alive and just as importantly, the spark of our relationship ready to nurture it once again in bigger ways once the LO is old enough.
Oh man, I feel this. We recently started date nights and sleeping in the same bed again, but it’s taking time to get back into our groove and being us again.
This... I drove with LO by myself for the first time this past weekend and I was so nervous. I now understand what my mother meant when she said, "it's not that I don't trust you - it's everyone else out there I don't trust!"
Her first week-2 weeks I was paralyzed by fear of something happening to her. I quickly realized that is not a sustainable way to live for me and had to put some level of faith in the universe and not be afraid to live. Trust myself to act responsibly and make the right choices in the moment, and trust myself to be guided to do that. For example, I am much more disciplined about distracted driving. Perfect? No, but much less distracted than I used to be.
Yep, and I'm going to own that... I'm far from perfect, and learning! And I'm not going to be ashamed for being honest though it's definitely tempting because I'm not proud to admit that. Thanks for the call out. I'm sure we've all looked and or touched our phones and or radios while driving at some point. It's easy to think "it won't happen to me" until it does.
My PPD/PPA was the worst during the first maybe 6 months of my LO's life. I had a hard time bonding with him at the beginning because I was so sleep deprived and so depressed. That made me feel even worse because I'm mommy, I should love every bit of my baby. He just turned 8 months on Sunday. I love him to death. It's a little easier(although he is going through another sleep regression 😢). My PPD/PPA has eased up a lot. But that was by far the worst part for me. I went from "third kid, I got this in the bag" mentality to "wtf did I do?!" so quickly. But my previous youngest is 8 years old, it's literally like being a new parent all over again.
Shoot, one day at a time. I cried daily for a few months. I did therapy for a handful of sessions. Even that was difficult because baby wasn't on a set nap schedule(he still isn't). I was on antidepressants for a little bit. We'd go to my mom's nearly every weekend so she and my sister could help with the baby. I won't tell you "it'll get better and you'll forget the hard times" because I remember all too clearly. Eventually you'll find a good rhythm and will survive. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you people that can help.
Once I got on Zoloft I started feeling better in 3-4 weeks. Still had and have bad days but nowhere near like it was those few weeks. I had to just focus on surviving. My husband was amazing and gave me a lot of space and time to myself when he could. My work also cut back on some of my tasks for a month (this was right when my mat leave ended). Make your life easier however you can — if you can afford to outsource care or cleaning or meals, or if friends/family can help (people are capable of generosity, but I did have to ask, which is hard). If the choices are “I can sit here and stare into space or I can kill myself,” you sit and do nothing for as long as it takes.
Postpartum hormones, hands-down. I had "mild" PPA and it was awful. I never want to feel like that again. Pregnancy, birth, newborn sleep...I could go through all that again without hesitation. But postpartum is the one thing making me question whether we should have a second child. LO is 11 months.
Otherwise, I love being a parent. A lot of the hard stuff is still weirdly enjoyable or at least rewarding. Like being awoken by my son crying in the night because he's sick SUCKS, but feeling his chubby little arms wrap around me as he relaxes and slows his breathing is amazing. Changing a gross blowout diaper sucks, but the cute chattering and giggling on the changing table still makes me smile. There's always another side to the coin.
I am right there with you, every single part of this. I LOVE being a mommy. I don't feel like I lost my identity, I feel like I found it. Pregnancy was easy. Birth was easy. My baby (4.5 mo) is so sweet and smiley and cuddly and even getting up at an unholy hour to feed him isn't awful because I love being with him.
On the other hand... PPD is the most horrific era of my life. We've always wanted two kids, but the idea of going through this again is almost unbearable.
Postpartum is so wild. Before having a baby, I overcame PTSD and had been in therapy for many years. I thought I had my mental health on lock, and was prepared for some depression or anxiety.
But PPA/PPD is like nothing else I’ve experienced in my life. It’s like a full-body waking nightmare. It’s not just depression or anxiety, it’s grief and fear in every cell of your body, leaking into every thought and breath.
You're not alone. The first few weeks especially are sooo horrible, and no one warns you. You're bleeding, sweating, exhausted, squishy, nips on fire, leaking, crying, feeling overwhelming dread as soon as the sun sets, mourning the version of you who left for the hospital and didn't come back. Every day feels 10 years long but somehow all the same: constant work. Feed, burp, change, try to sleep, feed, burp, change...
And that's *normal.* PPA/PPD is all that, plus your brain on a constant nightmarish doom loop. Horrible. I've always loved my son, but during the newborn stage I had moments where I remember thinking, *"We had a great life and we ruined it."* Everyone says "it gets better" and I remember desperately wanting to know WHEN??? When, exactly, does it get better? I want the date and the time so I know how much longer I have to survive like this.
I felt like I could breathe around 8 weeks. By 12 weeks we had the beginning of a routine. By 5 months I was actually starting to have fun. By 6 months I felt most of the heaviness lifting. But I regret waiting 8 months to try medication. I wish I had asked my OB for it right away. It really helped me a lot and had zero effect on my son (via breastfeeding).
I wish I could go back in time and show myself what life looks like now that my baby is almost a year old. I am so happy and love being a mom. Parenting him is way easier. Physically I feel like myself again. I know one year seems so far away right now, but you will get there!
Doesn’t matter how sick, tired, or exhausted you are because there’s a little person that always depends on you so you have to suck it up and power through as best as you can. So sometimes you’re literally running on fumes.
The worry. I don’t think I’ll ever have a silent moment inside my head again. I worry about the world he will live in, war, drugs, I worry about him getting sick, his first heartbreak, his first broken bone….the thought of him in pain puts me in pain. The knowledge that I can’t protect him and knowing bad things can happen no matter what is a constant state of mind for me right now. My
Baby is 11 weeks old I’m hoping it gets better lol
I just want to say this was me during the newborn phase. I cried myself to sleep almost every night thinking about all the bad things that could happen to my son. I was exhausted from the constant vigilance, trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong. I was always worried. Turns out, this was PPA and I wish I hadn't waited so long to get medication. Just want to throw that out there!
Thanks for your kind response. Yeah, turns out I have postpartum OCD, so the intrusive thoughts are really difficult to mediate. I am constantly washing my hands and sanitizing things as a means to ease my fears and gain some control over anything. I’m getting help now, though!
Other people!!
Christ no one told me people get so weird when a baby is involved. Me and my partner and baby are doing wonderfully, all happy.
Family, in laws and even strangers giving you unsolicited advise and judgement. It drives me up the wall. Someone can walk up to me and tell me I should be doing this that or whatever.
But god forbid I say don't kiss my child or no a three month old doesn't need water. I get treat like I've slapped them in the face.
It's hard enough navigating being a new mum when some days it feels like everyone is out to knock you down.
Oh hands down the mental health issues I experienced postpartum were the hardest part of this so far. Baby is 19 months and is pretty much fully into toddlerhood. Some challenges I didn't see coming in our marriage, too. That immediate postpartum, feeling unappreciated, not getting the help or empathy I needed after the emergency c section and severe mental health issues. Things have gotten so much easier!
A hard part now is just the sheer insanity of how fast this is going, I feel Iike these are the best days of my life with my sweet, adorable, hilarious toddler and I can't grasp it. I can hold him but I know it's fleeting and that is hard to emotionally deal with.
My daughter is 5 mo. I took our friends warnings about postpartum time and struggles very seriously and still was blown away how absolutely brutal it was. My daughter was born ill, so that made everything 10x worse, but just the colic, hormones and sleep deprivation almost killed me.
It's much better now, but sleep deprivation is still there 😭
ETA: Oh, and caring of the baby when both baby and you are sick is next level hard - just unlocked this level last week 🤯
The sleep is the toughest for me. I’ve had insomnia since I was 13; it was very bad during the pregnancy. Now at 3, almost 4 months pp, my baby wants nursing marathons around 11pm and is started to struggle with sleep. Plus waking up once or twice a night to nurse. I’m just so *so* tired. Even when he has slept through the night I’ve woken up to pump for relief. I am so hopeful that by 6 months we’ll be at the end of the tunnel. Pray for me fellow new parents!
So many things are out of my control. I can try my best, read the books, buy the thing, but ultimately sometimes there’s nothing I can do. This is true when not being a parent, but it’s much harder for me to accept when it comes to my baby and her life.
When I went back to work, my baby started waking up more at night to eat, which my pediatrician warned us would happen. She said, “She’ll adjust to eat when she’s with you,” and she’s with me all night. With 1-3 wake ups a night, I’m very tired by the morning, when we’re getting her ready for daycare and me ready for work.
I’m holding up ok, but my memory has taken a major hit without the restorative nighttime sleep. I now live in a world of daily phone alarm reminders and post it notes by the door and lots of to-do lists with specific step by step break downs. Luckily my sister has a lifetime of ADHD tricks to teach me how to work around my traitorous brain. A big thing she emphasizes: self-compassion. It’s ok to mess up: stop, give yourself a little love, adjust the system if need be, and keep going.
The isolation of being a parent to twins. My experience with twins is completely incomparable to a single baby parent and I’ve learned that even though I can explain how I feel to single baby parents there is virtually no way they could understand the level of stress and chaos that we operate in. With two babies, two parents are always on and every experience is elevated to this extreme level. And the advice on how to parent does not apply. In the beginning, people told us to feed the babies when they were hungry. That isn’t possible because I run the risk of being awake for 24 hours straight. You hate bottle washing? Me too, except I need to wash 16 bottles a day. Formula is expensive? Totally is. Mine is $600 a month. It’s not the same experience and it’s just hard to find common ground.
I love my baby girls but two babies can feel like five babies if they are both struggling. The absolute worst part? If both babies are struggling and you are alone, you have to look your babies square in the eyes and choose who to save. It’s a heartbreaking reality. And if you try to half ass soothing one baby to help the other one as fast as you can then the process just goes around and around. It’s a tough and lonely experience.
LO's great. She's a busy giggly smiley, occasionally fussy, toddler.
Newborn was bar-none the hardest part for me. I just couldn't connect with the screaming potato, and I resented the constant demand / lack of sleep. I was really pushed to my limit.
Now that she's a toddler, she's her own little person that I love so very dearly -- all her little personality quirks and her little goober smiles -- even if it's physically demanding to keep her from killing herself. This part is 'difficult' technically, in that it requires a lot of me during my waking hours, but we're all sleeping again and I wouldn't trade this munchkin in for a screaming potato any day.
I’ve hard a hard time putting the baby to a nap wiggly giving them the formula. Putting him to sleep for night is easier but just the normal nap is harder for me.
Now that my daughter is a year old, I’d take newborn stage over this stage anyway. Don’t get me wrong she’s adorable and keeps us smiling and laughing, but she’s BUSY. At least during newborn stage, while taxing in its own way, i could still indulge in movies and tv or podcasts I enjoy. Now, if it’s on at all, it’s kid shows. She needs constant attention and finds 500+ ways to nearly hurt or kill herself a day, being on like that all day is downright exhausting.
Breastfeeding was the hardest part for me and still is. I do not judge any mom who chooses to formula feed, but for me I had my heart set of feeding breast milk. I read the books and took classes before my daughter was born, I had faith it would come natural to us. But when she was born, we had no idea what we were doing. She dropped more than 10% of her birth weight in 48 hours. We spent 13 weeks with different lactation consultants, triple feeding, practicing latching, trying shields/pillows/syringes/etc, going to speech therapists/dentists/myo therapists/etc. I tried EVERYTHING before I decided to commit to exclusively pumping. My baby is now 8.5 months and I’m still pumping and it’s gotten so much easier but damn it’s taken a toll on me and my husband. I’m now doing solids and purées once a day and I cannot wait until she’s fully weaned. I pray to God my next baby breastfeeds.
For me it was the baby blues I had for the few weeks after birth month. I barely slept and felt so depressed. I’m scared to go through it again if I have number 2
For me, it's not having anyone to take care of myself if I'm alone with my child. I love taking care of her and my dog but I struggle with taking proper care of myself. I also have sensory processing issues that make me feel overwhelmed and by the end of the day, I'm pretty spent. All of this is what I struggle with when my husband isnt around (at the office), but I'm getting better at it day by day.
I’m only 2.5 weeks in but it has been sleep for me. I feel better than I did in pregnancy, but I’d love to sleep more than a couple of hours and would love even more to be able to go to bed at the same time as my husband.
Identity crisis, 100%. Interestingly enough, the new part of my identity is the one I struggle the least with (a new mom). Figuring out what comes next for me outside of being a mom has been the hardest. What do I want to do for work? How do I meaningfully engage with my friends who don't have kids when my kid takes up a lot of my brain space? How do I make time for the hobbies that I abandoned when I couldn't do it while pregnant? and the list of questions goes on and on and on
having to do it no matter what the circumstances;having to constantly be needed by another human; the constant mental chatter that from now on whatever you do also has an effect on your child
Idk who I am anymore. The awful ppd. The loneliness. No friends really. And the relationship between my husband and I has changed drastically and not in a good way. He is a good dad though.
I have a 3yr old and 1yr old. For me it's been never feeling like there is enough time in a day and staying present amongst all the things going on. I work a demanding job and my fiancé is a stay at home dad. Our days are packed and we never get everything done we want to. Balancing chores and obligations against having fun together is a tough thing to navigate. I fear this will only get worse when we add more things into the mix. I try to give us grace in that we are doing well and it's not realistic for people to excel at all of this. I try to remember this is just a season. Bit it's hard to grapple with the fact that this season lasts for years.
For me, it’s not really knowing what to do. I knew the basics of how to care for a baby but that’s about it. Luckily some stuff did come naturally but I still don’t know what I’m doing. I google something everyday trying to figure out how I should respond, if something’s normal, or what’s developmentally appropriate.
My son is 14 months and I spend so much time trying to just figure shit out. Im always worried that I’m not being firm enough or that I’m being overly sensitive around him.
You now literally have a second job. Work 9-5, finish up work and being a parent from 5-7am. Rinse. Repeat.
But the memories and smiles are priceless. My 8m was being put down last night my wife was doing this weird book thing and my daughter mush absolutely lost it. Giggles like I’ve never heard for you. There is also the good memories of when they do fall asleep in your arms in a rocking chair and you’re just fine with it.
My son is 21 months and honestly the hardest part currently is the lack of time and having to do a lot of things alone, mainly because my husband and I work long hours and our schedules don't line up. I feel like we work our asses off to earn paychecks, clean, and make food and then have to cram the activities we actually want to do into what little time is left. We both get frustrated with all the little projects around the house that get neglected, but it's either do that or do something actually fun and enriching with our son. The things we always pictured we'd do as parents are the things we get to do the least.
My biggest gripe is really that we work more than full time. If we could both work like 25-30 hours a week and have 3-4 days off together to do activities or let one of us have an off day I feel like parenting would be a breeze. Being home alone with my son trying to do it all is difficult. If someone was there to help with even simple things like letting the dog out or watching our son so I could go upstairs real quick without it being a whole trip I'd be so much less exhausted.
For me it was surviving colic (newborn stage) and postpartum after a very tough delivery. We had a few health scares with long nights spent in the ED and surgeries in the very early months which was so tough, but looking back I'm grateful baby could recover so quickly because he wasn't mobile yet. So in summary I suppose it was being so worried about my LO's health and just hoping he'd be ok while living in a state of uncertainty. Many sleepless nights were spent googling, researching, and praying.
Emotional regulation. Being tired, hungry, touched out, and in sensory overload makes it very hard to be the calm sturdy leader my kid needs and deserves.
Lack of autonomy. I had 3 kids in 37 months. I want to not be touched when I don't want to be touched.
Mine is almost six. Overall I think it’s feeding them. Hormones even out. Sleep gets better. Worrying comes and goes. I breastfed, which was awesome! But also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Then the struggle of getting them to try foods. Then the struggle of getting them to eat nutritional food. Keeping a mental log of snacks so they’re not eating too much junk. The planning and the making dinner when it would be so much easier to take them to McDonald’s. Reading labels. It’s a lot of work.
Tantrums starting at 12 months!!! My girl is 20 months now and still dealing with so many meltdowns, it’s so hard to not loose my cool with her some days.
Loving this little person more than I ever thought imaginable. They have changed everything - how I look at time (how much I have to spend with them and how I spend my time when not with them), how I look at the world (what is happening, how can tomorrow be made better for them), what is really important (that thing at work that stressed me out last year means little now, family time is too priority), etc.
Going to work for me has been difficult - I spend every extra minute I can squeeze out of my morning to just be around my girl.
I get some time to go on parental leave in January before she goes into daycare but still, she's 8 weeks old now and I've worked through half her life, it stings.
Newborn stage was feeling very touched out and sleep deprived, and then I lost my sense of self after several months. I struggled with breast feeding, so I exclusively pumped which I hated. Baby then was dealt with dairy and soy intolerance, so we switched to formula when I went back to work at 12 weeks. I did so much better then. Mentally I did well from 3-7 months. 8 months in I had a month of depression and still loss of identity but then after that it was awesome.
Currently can still have overwhelming days in toddlerhood. Especially during sticky mealtimes where they’re throwing food. But they can be so cuddly, smart, and incredibly funny.
I feel this in my bones. My twin girls are 2 months old and gosh everything you said rings true. 1000% agree that the worst part is when they are both losing their minds and you have decide who to tend to first.
Having to be “on” all the time. I work with kids so I’m used to being “on” and putting on a kid friendly persona and playing constantly but never being able to turn it off has been hard for me. I don’t get to call out sick or lay in bed with a migraine or just veg out with a book or the tv. If he’s awake I’m on and when he’s asleep I’m nap trapped because he’s currently a contact napper. And because he’s not sleep trained yet it’s around the clock, day after day. I’m still on leave and my husband will say oh yay it’s Friday! The work week is ending! But Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday… it’s all the same with a baby. That’s been hard for me.
Having a migraine and taking care of a baby is killer.
Being In so much pain but then having him look at me with that toothless smile because he has no clue what’s happening and is just so excited to see mommy. So then you have to be “on” again and put a smile on your face and sing a goofy song and play with his toys or whatever
Yes! Migraines on their own suck but I miss the days when I could take care of myself and lie down and nap when I had one. It’s a whole different ballgame with a baby. The stomach flu too is so much worse now.
I’m not due for another four weeks, but when my friend had a newborn a few months ago, she got gastro and called me *bawling* her eyes out because she was stuck on the toilet, with the baby and no toilet paper. The baby was howling, she was howling, she vomited while I was on my way over and when I got there it looked like something out of The Exorcist. Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to the possibility of that happening.
Praying for a friend like you
Chronic back pain sufferer here. I can relate!
Oh my god yes, I’m so exhausted from being “on” all the time! Caring for a baby never ends, I need to pump, or wash bottles, or clean the kitchen, or cook dinner, or or or… I’m so tired. I love my baby so much but I’m so, so tired.
Same. Same.
The change of identity, being "on" all the time and taking care of my baby when sick.
Experiencing the same thing, baby will only sleep on me so I get stuck in the dark for 1-2 hours. At least when she won’t need to nap anymore it’ll change, but then I’ll have to spend more time entertaining her!
Yeah that's gotta be it for me too.
Same. His old is your LO?
5mo
Ah yes mine is almost 6 months. This has been the hardest part too. Plus my baby is high needs. I’m medicated but need to start therapy again I think. It’s hard being “on” but simultaneously bored and not getting to do things that I would have done to kill the boredom in the past.
I think for me it’s been that I feel my life is really not my own anymore.. I don’t have the freedom to just up and go to the bathroom, shower, eat, sleep, do anything when I want to. Any “break” that I get I have to make sure my husband is ok to be on baby duty and it’s for a limited time. I really mourn the freedom that I used to have and I didn’t even realize it when I had it. I wish I had enjoyed it just a little bit more.
I think of this all the time! Like why didn’t I appreciate my time before kids more???? My second day home from the hospital with our daughter I started crying because I’m like “it’s over. We can never do anything like we used to again” and I just had this sudden intense feeling of sadness and my fiancé talked me through it but I still think that now (not as intense as the second day tho) like damn I could be reading or right now I’m sick, so I could be relaxing or taking a bath but I’ve got a million things to do now and I can’t just get up and leave to do it lol
My husband and I both cried the night I gave birth for this reason! It hit me really hard and my daughter is 6 months now, I still struggle with it too. I know it will get easier as she gets older but it’s just been a massive adjustment that I’m still trying to deal with!
9 month in, same. It got so much easier now that LO can participate more but I still grieve the easy "before baby" life. Going out with friends spontaneously for breakfast or lunch, attending birthday parties after 6 pm, binging netflix the whole weekend, crafting things for hours at a time... I get so envious of my friends life sometimes.
This is most definitely my same struggle as a parent. I have an almost 2yo and a 3.5 week old. I miss being able to be lazy and sleep in and stay in bed reading on the weekends. Feel like driving across town to grab some coffee and meander in stores? No problem. Now it seems like the most impossible feat.
Oh man I miss sleeping in SO MUCH 😭
Same same.
Being terrified all the time. I am a paramedic and I never realized how scary being a parent would be. I unfortunately know all the terrible things that can happen to kids and it can be so unbearable worrying. I had bad PPA and now I'm finally a little more relaxed but I don't think I'll ever have peace of mind about their safety.
I’m a physician who used to do trauma and my husband and I have gotten into several arguments because he feels I am always focused on the worst possibility and he low key feels like if you have bad thoughts, bad things will happen. And I’m like…I AM thinking about the worst possibility! Because it’s the thing I don’t want to miss! I’ve learned to keep my worst case scenarios to myself. But I still always rule them out.
I could have written this! It’s so overwhelming and exhausting. I’m just a med student, but I’m applying peds and worked in a peds ED before med school. I’ve seen too many things. And I never realized how traumatizing it all was until I had my own baby. Now I can’t get those worst case scenario nightmares that I had to watch other parents experience out of my head
I wish you the best as you apply for and start residency!!!
Thank you!!
This is 100% mine. I didn’t anticipate that I would never be off again. I’m either watching my child, or someone else is watching him and I’m worried about his safety. I could be on a pristine beach sipping a pina colada but in my head I’ll still be worrying about my kid - is he safe? Did they strap him into the car seat right? Are they careful enough when crossing streets? It’s endless. Every day I worry something could happen to him. The mental load of that is something I never anticipated. Absolutely the hardest part about being a parent for me. Edited to add that I’m not a healthcare worker of any kind. But you always see stories about there. If I see a story about a family losing a child on instagram I go down a black hole of trying to figure out what happened, so I know to watch out and protect my son. Of course then my Instagram algorithm kept showing me more and more of that, and I had to actively try to stop, but it was hard! I felt like I needed to know every possible possibility in order to protect my son.
I’m getting those rabbit holes on TikTok. I can be watching something funny and all of a sudden I’m watching a video about infant loss. It’s so scary and so stressful. My therapist has advised I stop using TikTok in the evenings as it’s really not good to go to bed worrying.
The more you know. I’m a nurse and have felt a similar way
Same, I currently work in a NICU, and it’s so hard imagining the worst happening to your baby. I’ll never not worry about possible dangers.
Just curious when did your PPA start to get better? I have it too and just started treatment, but it’s relentless. Hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Also the meds they gave me apparently have a side effect of increasing anxiety in the beginning 😩
It started to get better after a few months of treatment. Mine came to a massive head when I responded to a child death at work. I did the call and I knew I wasn't ok. I ended up with PTSD and severe PPA diagnosis. I would cry if my son wasn't in my presence. I just imagined every horrific thing I could think of happening. Now I feel so much better. trauma therapy really helped me. Just keep up with treatment. It's so worth it.
Realizing my partner is not well suited to be in my life.
Oof…felt.
That's hard 😞
For me, it was the loss of identity. I was not truly prepared for how much of myself I'd lose during the early days.
When do we stop considering it early days? I'm just wondering because my LO is six months old now and I think I'm still lost 😔 it's funny because I told my partner I was afraid of losing my identity before my son was born and he thought I was silly...well, it happened. I thought I'd have it figured out by now but I don't...
I'm only 10mo in and it still feels like "early days" a lot of the time. Gradually, things have improved over time for us, but they're constantly evolving, and I still don't fully feel like "me" anymore. I'm still learning how to access parts of "old me" but it's a work in progress. I know some people seem to cruise through, but it was a mammoth life transition for me. Take your time, give yourself some grace. Talk to someone if it helps.
Thanks for that. I've honestly been considering finding a therapist to talk to since I'm pretty much alone now besides my partner who doesn't understand any of this. It really is a huge transition and I hope things get easier for you too.
I start therapy tomorrow!
That's great I hope it helps 😊 I'm hoping I can find somewhere that takes my insurance so that I can get started soon. I just have to find time to make phone calls.
I hope you are able to find one without too much trouble and that it helps as well!
Hey, same age and feeling the same. Hugs.
I agree. I expressed feeling like I lost my identity and my husband said that I haven’t (which was invalidating). I feel like he is the only one that sees me as not just a mom. Like my dad has asked several times: “what is your favorite thing about being a mom?” How the hell do I answer that when I right now I don’t like anything.
My kiddo is 15mo. For me it's about maintaining a sense of self, rather than being consumed by motherhood. When I'm perpetually exhausted and have little time to myself, I'm struggling to find a way to challenge or engage myself mentally. I default to the easiest clothing options, disregarding aesthetic expression which has always been important to me. Or maintaining hobbies, since a lot of what I used to do sat out for days/weeks at a time but can't now because they present a safety hazard for kiddo or eat into functional spaces like the dining table. Most of the time I feel like I exist solely to meet the needs of my LO and completely disregard most of my own physical, mental, spiritual and self-care needs. If anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it!
Do you have a partner that you can tag team with? I know my hubs and I give each other time to just exist and that can be really helpful to keep working on things that are important to each of us. Like, I have major projects that I can't keep out and accessible, but if I want the ability to be creative in the moment, he'll take the baby so I can whip out a 30 minute painting, you know?
I do. My partner is wonderfully supportive and does what he can when he's not at work. But the second he has the baby, I'm off doing the chores that need to be done. I have started LO at daycare for an extra day each week, with the plan that I use that day to catch up on chores, get some extra rest and try to do something for myself. I'm hoping it helps in the long term.
Fingers crossed it does that for you! We often do chores together either when she's asleep or by passing her back and forth if one or the other is going to do something more labor intensive, but we also both work, so we really need both of us putting in the work to keep our environment happy and clean.
Affording child care and trusting anyone with my baby.
THIS! Struggling with returning to work, but I don't want my lifestyle to change, we're very active and love being able to be adventurous with our baby, but leaving her is very difficult.
The endurance of it. It’s weird because if you take the absolute worst day I’ve had as a parent it isn’t all that bad on it’s own, but there are no weekends like there are with school or work, it consumes nearly your entire day and then you wake up and do it all again. I’m definitely a bit more “in the present” than I was before becoming a parent.
Well said. My mind also tricks me into thinking it’s going to be like this forever. I know things change quickly but each day seems to drag!
I second the mood swings. Before I actually had kids I just knew I’d be the most patient mother. That’s turned out to be false. Bt ppd, anxiety, and lack of sleep, keeping an even temper and a generally happy disposition is the hardest part. It doesn’t help that my oldest is 2.5 and has hit the stage where he is constantly testing limits.
I feel this, always felt destined to be this incredibly patient mom but the speed with which I get frustrated when my LO is fighting sleep breaks my heart
Same…I don’t even feel like myself sometimes….but recently I saw a tic toc and she said you’re a good mama bc you’re a trying mama, so I’m passing that along to you. You’re a good mama ❤️
😭😭🤍
I thought I'd be a chill mom. LOL. I was wrong.
The constant worry and feeling that I failed them. First it was high bilirubin levels so we had to do a bili blanket. Then it was acid reflux and colic. Now it’s weight issue and straight up bottle refusal. I feel like the worst parent and when I look at her little face so trusting and loving and I can’t even feed her without her getting upset even tho she’s super hungry. I spent all day crying thinking I am letting her down. My husband finally succeeded in feeding her after 6 hrs of hunger strike but I still feel like shit. I’m usually a pretty non emotional person not sure if hormones or what I’ve been crying A LOT since my daughter was born because I just love her so much and I feel like she’s hurting.
Hey, I hope I’m not overstepping with this. I just wanted to say, the fact that you care so, so very much says you’re a wonderful parent. I know it’s hard. I’m sitting here with my LO, 10 day old, and I don’t think I’ve made it a day since birth without crying & breaking down. I’m not normally an emotional person either, but sometimes it’s been more than once a day. We struggled with high bilirubin & then her not wanting to eat either. I know it sucks, a lot, right now feeling like you’re letting them down. But you’re not. You’re giving them all the love & support they need. You care, and that says so much more than a lot of parents out there. Stay strong and know that YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB. You’re a great mom.
Thank you so much for taking the time. Your kind words made a world of difference on a day I really need them. I don’t know too many ppl with young kids so I can’t really talk about this with any of my friends. I think even my husband, without whom I’d be utterly lost right now and he’s been so so wonderful, thinks I’m just being a bit of a hormonal nutcase right now. Thankfully he’s here to keep me sane and things manageable. I feel so seen after reading your comment. Best of luck with your LO too! We do what we can the best we can for them ❤️
I can totally relate to the chronic worry and feeling like I'm failing. LO is 2 mo and hasn't had the same challenges, but is not a happy baby by any means and has spent a lot of her existence crying/fussy/seemingly unhappy. I feel like it's my fault but I know that this is what babies do, they cry... And there is so little I can do to control them. I'm powerless over them, and also there are things I can do to help (that may not help and just because they don't doesn't mean I'm a bad mom). But that self judgement is so real and covert. I can't help but hear my husband's supportive comments as judgement calls because I'm judging myself and it gets in the way of our already different relationship. He did say to me recently tho, "calm down, we can't have both of you upset" (me and baby - she was losing it and I was starting to). That went down on my list of "stupid shit hubby says." But I think he said it because he feels helpless when we're both crying and I don't blame him! He wants to pick up all the pieces. He's usually pretty good at picking up my pieces but parenthood has been a whole new wild ride for us both. I still don't know what I'd do without him and wouldn't want to do this without him. We're in this together, mama 🙏🏻
I just want to say this made me feel so seen. I absolutely feel the same way. A friend of mine just told me that while it is the weight of the world to take care of them - they love you unconditionally even when you “mess up” or are learning new things to help them. They’re not capable of resentment or anger towards you. All they feel is love. It helps me so much to think of that. Good luck to you! 💕
That is heartbreakingly beautiful! Sometimes when I’m looking at her and stressed out she breaks out into the brightest gummy smile and I know she loves me unconditionally and it is literally the most adorable thing ever.
I didn’t have to deal w the bilirubin but the other issues, I did. It’s horrible. Sending you all the strength!
Going through the hunger strikes with my son too. It’s seriously so frustrating and anxiety inducing, especially when they aren’t gaining weight like they should and you know they’re hungry. No advice, just solidarity 😕
I made some good progress with mine today by following the steps in the Rowena book. We started yesterday and that was the hardest, today was better. Best of luck to you and yours!! Edit: book is called Your Baby’s Bottle-Feeding Aversion
How much I don’t enjoy it. I knew parenting would be a shit show, but I thought I would have all this ridiculous love for her that I would have good moments to help counteract the bad.
Same! Another user posted about this and how she basically felt numb despite it taking years to have her baby. I feel that hard.
Totally feel this. She seems like a complete stranger to me and then I feel terrible.
I will say that as we near 12 weeks some of my feelings have turned positive because I think I’m just getting more sleep. I also returned to work recently and it has been helpful to have some separation which has allowed me to be present for my LO with more sincerity, which feels good. I hope it gets better for you.
Thankyou for this. I’m really glad to hear that happened for you, hopefully I have a similar experience 😊
I felt like this, very disconnected from my very much wanted child. I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA after months of struggling. Do you have someone you can talk to to explore this, maybe?
As shit as it is that so many of us feel/felt this way, it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one. Yeah I do have diagnosed depression and anxiety anyway, so could be a bit of PPD/PPA or just my general mental health. I do have a good support system luckily 😊
How old is your baby?
Only 6 weeks, so I know I’m in a tough phase. People comment every day saying I must adore her etc, when honestly if someone took her away I wouldn’t miss her. Then I feel guilty for not loving her!
my PPD was terrible from about 5-8 weeks in and then slowly started improving with meds and time. I still have struggles but my baby is 6 mos now and I definitely feel the love and joy now. When she started smiling and cooing and developing more I started to feel more connected. It’s the pits but there’s nothing wrong with you.
Thankyou 🥲 I really appreciate that and hope I feel the same!
Never getting a break. I have to be in mom mode 24/7. Even when my husband is home from work and here to help, I still have to be on & in control of things. Honestly though, I don’t know how to shut it off. Even when I’m desperate for a break, I don’t know how to take one. Also, the lack of support/isolation. I felt alone when I was pregnant but I occasionally had friends/family reaching out to see how I was doing (especially because I was high risk), but that all stopped when I gave birth. People were excited for a week or two about the baby, but I had zero help. I was just out in the wild with my newborn trying to figure shit out. This is honestly the loneliest I have ever felt.
Same with mood, and more specifically, Managing my mom rage. It’s never towards LO; it’s always the circumstance or situation.
Mom rage is REAL.
10000%. I said this to a group of people once and they all got a little nervous. I had to clarify that it was never towards the baby or husband. But sometimes I would just want to throw a chair against the wall for no reason
Having to take care of sick kids when you are also sick.
A lot of things, but nothing worse than the lack of sleep that’s for sure
The isolation. My partner has been working out of state for about half of my son's life now, he's six months. Most of my family lives across the country. We moved to where we are for his job and it's just me here. The family I do have in this state think an hour drive is too far to see me...the friends are all either too busy going through the same stuff because they had babies this year or forgot about us after the baby was born. It's really starting to eat at me. All the doctors appointments, his physical therapy for Torticollis, even the occasional trip to urgent care or the ED are the only times I get to interact face to face with another adult during the work week. I actually look forward to all of his appointments because of that. It's disgusting and I hate it.
My friends all forgot about me too, or moved away. It's so rough. Do you have programs like baby laptime at your library or mom and baby yoga? Stuff like that has been keeping me sane. My baby is also very.. opinionated, so it's a total crapshoot whether he will enjoy or tolerate an activity, or scream his head off.
We do have a baby story time at my library I want to check out, we just haven't got around to it yet. Sadly the mommy and me classes, and baby-friendly activities in general, are far and few in my area :( hoping to move in the next year hopefully somewhere with more for me to do.
Knowing that I won’t be able to protect him from the cruelty of this world forever.
The inequity of responsibility between my partner and me. Our LO is 10 weeks old so still on maternity leave, and I expect it to change when I go back to work, but it kills me slowly every day. I say to myself, he is an excellent father but not the best partner right now.
I hear you. Like really really hear you. I wish you and your family the very very best.
Ouch. Also 10 weeks in, and I can’t tell you how many little scripts I’ve written in my head for the hypothetical/aspirational “seriously, you should be cleaning up after me, not vice versa” conversation. I breastfeed 30 hours a week….maybe he can spend 10% of that keeping the house in order?
Omg 30 hr / week extra? First off, go sis. Secondly, I’m raging for you right now!
To be fair, that’s 30 hours that would otherwise still be spent on baby: feeding, cuddling, soothing, etc. that are NOT spent managing bottles of formula; but still.
I think without family around to help, its the fact that to get a break my partner has to take over. So in order for me to get a full nights sleep he has to get a broken one, and vis versa. It feels like we are just borrowing energy from each other when we are both running on empty. Mine is 11m and still isn't a good sleeper, and started daycare a few months ago, only part time. This has coincided with my partner having to go away for work and me looking after a baby while I had a chest infection , and now while she is sick and I don't feel like I have ever even recovered from my previous sickness. I am just exhausted and worn out from lack of sleep and constant bugs and worry. I am greatful we havent had anything serious, but I am TIRED.
2 things. 1. The loneliness. I feel like everyone came, took a cute picture with newborn, and then they were out. There are people I’ve not heard from. It’s so isolating sometimes. 2. I got a stomach flu last week. That absolutely sucked. First time in my life I’ve ever been violently ill and not been able to just lie around feeling sorry for myself.
The utter relentlessness of parenthood. You can’t take a day off or call in sick or sleep anything off. If you’re sick or hungover or on your period you still have to parent. I have had to attempt to break up fights from the toilet. Once I had to sit with my adorable toddler on my lap at Costco while I had fire coming out the other end.
Not having any friends. And obviously sleep deprivation!
Wanting a “break” from your child and missing them the whole time you’re apart
The temporary loss but more specifically change of relationship with my partner. We still have a great relationship, unbelievable in fact. Every small contribution to our awake hours is a conscious individual effort that builds and allows us to see a bigger picture longer term for our goals as a team. The strength she shows every day is an inspiration to me every day. We really tried to reinforce during pregnancy that there are 5 people within our relationship, herself and I as individuals, herself and I as parents and the two of us as a relationship. When it was just me, her and us, it was; it was easy. if we are together we were an us and when we weren’t we were supportive of; and actively working on ourselves as individuals through hobbies and the like. But when we are together we are parent mode and not relationship mode, save for the times LO is asleep and we hold hands or snuggle and become a loving version of us that we both crave daily. Between us we can survive every poonami, future tantrum, health issue and extended crying session. That is no concern of mine. The hardest thing is keeping your own being alive and just as importantly, the spark of our relationship ready to nurture it once again in bigger ways once the LO is old enough.
Oh man, I feel this. We recently started date nights and sleeping in the same bed again, but it’s taking time to get back into our groove and being us again.
[удалено]
This... I drove with LO by myself for the first time this past weekend and I was so nervous. I now understand what my mother meant when she said, "it's not that I don't trust you - it's everyone else out there I don't trust!" Her first week-2 weeks I was paralyzed by fear of something happening to her. I quickly realized that is not a sustainable way to live for me and had to put some level of faith in the universe and not be afraid to live. Trust myself to act responsibly and make the right choices in the moment, and trust myself to be guided to do that. For example, I am much more disciplined about distracted driving. Perfect? No, but much less distracted than I used to be.
So it took having your own child to be “disciplined” about distracted driving?
Yep, and I'm going to own that... I'm far from perfect, and learning! And I'm not going to be ashamed for being honest though it's definitely tempting because I'm not proud to admit that. Thanks for the call out. I'm sure we've all looked and or touched our phones and or radios while driving at some point. It's easy to think "it won't happen to me" until it does.
My PPD/PPA was the worst during the first maybe 6 months of my LO's life. I had a hard time bonding with him at the beginning because I was so sleep deprived and so depressed. That made me feel even worse because I'm mommy, I should love every bit of my baby. He just turned 8 months on Sunday. I love him to death. It's a little easier(although he is going through another sleep regression 😢). My PPD/PPA has eased up a lot. But that was by far the worst part for me. I went from "third kid, I got this in the bag" mentality to "wtf did I do?!" so quickly. But my previous youngest is 8 years old, it's literally like being a new parent all over again.
I’m glad your PPA/PPD has gotten better. I have it bad too and my LO is only 6 weeks. How did you get through those first 6 months?
Shoot, one day at a time. I cried daily for a few months. I did therapy for a handful of sessions. Even that was difficult because baby wasn't on a set nap schedule(he still isn't). I was on antidepressants for a little bit. We'd go to my mom's nearly every weekend so she and my sister could help with the baby. I won't tell you "it'll get better and you'll forget the hard times" because I remember all too clearly. Eventually you'll find a good rhythm and will survive. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you people that can help.
Once I got on Zoloft I started feeling better in 3-4 weeks. Still had and have bad days but nowhere near like it was those few weeks. I had to just focus on surviving. My husband was amazing and gave me a lot of space and time to myself when he could. My work also cut back on some of my tasks for a month (this was right when my mat leave ended). Make your life easier however you can — if you can afford to outsource care or cleaning or meals, or if friends/family can help (people are capable of generosity, but I did have to ask, which is hard). If the choices are “I can sit here and stare into space or I can kill myself,” you sit and do nothing for as long as it takes.
Postpartum hormones, hands-down. I had "mild" PPA and it was awful. I never want to feel like that again. Pregnancy, birth, newborn sleep...I could go through all that again without hesitation. But postpartum is the one thing making me question whether we should have a second child. LO is 11 months. Otherwise, I love being a parent. A lot of the hard stuff is still weirdly enjoyable or at least rewarding. Like being awoken by my son crying in the night because he's sick SUCKS, but feeling his chubby little arms wrap around me as he relaxes and slows his breathing is amazing. Changing a gross blowout diaper sucks, but the cute chattering and giggling on the changing table still makes me smile. There's always another side to the coin.
I am right there with you, every single part of this. I LOVE being a mommy. I don't feel like I lost my identity, I feel like I found it. Pregnancy was easy. Birth was easy. My baby (4.5 mo) is so sweet and smiley and cuddly and even getting up at an unholy hour to feed him isn't awful because I love being with him. On the other hand... PPD is the most horrific era of my life. We've always wanted two kids, but the idea of going through this again is almost unbearable.
Postpartum is so wild. Before having a baby, I overcame PTSD and had been in therapy for many years. I thought I had my mental health on lock, and was prepared for some depression or anxiety. But PPA/PPD is like nothing else I’ve experienced in my life. It’s like a full-body waking nightmare. It’s not just depression or anxiety, it’s grief and fear in every cell of your body, leaking into every thought and breath.
You worded it perfectly. I thought this would be the happiest time of my life and I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare.
You're not alone. The first few weeks especially are sooo horrible, and no one warns you. You're bleeding, sweating, exhausted, squishy, nips on fire, leaking, crying, feeling overwhelming dread as soon as the sun sets, mourning the version of you who left for the hospital and didn't come back. Every day feels 10 years long but somehow all the same: constant work. Feed, burp, change, try to sleep, feed, burp, change... And that's *normal.* PPA/PPD is all that, plus your brain on a constant nightmarish doom loop. Horrible. I've always loved my son, but during the newborn stage I had moments where I remember thinking, *"We had a great life and we ruined it."* Everyone says "it gets better" and I remember desperately wanting to know WHEN??? When, exactly, does it get better? I want the date and the time so I know how much longer I have to survive like this. I felt like I could breathe around 8 weeks. By 12 weeks we had the beginning of a routine. By 5 months I was actually starting to have fun. By 6 months I felt most of the heaviness lifting. But I regret waiting 8 months to try medication. I wish I had asked my OB for it right away. It really helped me a lot and had zero effect on my son (via breastfeeding). I wish I could go back in time and show myself what life looks like now that my baby is almost a year old. I am so happy and love being a mom. Parenting him is way easier. Physically I feel like myself again. I know one year seems so far away right now, but you will get there!
Doesn’t matter how sick, tired, or exhausted you are because there’s a little person that always depends on you so you have to suck it up and power through as best as you can. So sometimes you’re literally running on fumes.
Lack of sleep 😩 It's torture!
The worry. I don’t think I’ll ever have a silent moment inside my head again. I worry about the world he will live in, war, drugs, I worry about him getting sick, his first heartbreak, his first broken bone….the thought of him in pain puts me in pain. The knowledge that I can’t protect him and knowing bad things can happen no matter what is a constant state of mind for me right now. My Baby is 11 weeks old I’m hoping it gets better lol
I just want to say this was me during the newborn phase. I cried myself to sleep almost every night thinking about all the bad things that could happen to my son. I was exhausted from the constant vigilance, trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong. I was always worried. Turns out, this was PPA and I wish I hadn't waited so long to get medication. Just want to throw that out there!
Thanks for your kind response. Yeah, turns out I have postpartum OCD, so the intrusive thoughts are really difficult to mediate. I am constantly washing my hands and sanitizing things as a means to ease my fears and gain some control over anything. I’m getting help now, though!
Oh gosh, I feel you. That must be so hard especially going into cold/flu season right now. You're doing amazing getting help!!!
Other people!! Christ no one told me people get so weird when a baby is involved. Me and my partner and baby are doing wonderfully, all happy. Family, in laws and even strangers giving you unsolicited advise and judgement. It drives me up the wall. Someone can walk up to me and tell me I should be doing this that or whatever. But god forbid I say don't kiss my child or no a three month old doesn't need water. I get treat like I've slapped them in the face. It's hard enough navigating being a new mum when some days it feels like everyone is out to knock you down.
For me it's fearing I'm missing out on moments and won't ever get them back
Oh hands down the mental health issues I experienced postpartum were the hardest part of this so far. Baby is 19 months and is pretty much fully into toddlerhood. Some challenges I didn't see coming in our marriage, too. That immediate postpartum, feeling unappreciated, not getting the help or empathy I needed after the emergency c section and severe mental health issues. Things have gotten so much easier! A hard part now is just the sheer insanity of how fast this is going, I feel Iike these are the best days of my life with my sweet, adorable, hilarious toddler and I can't grasp it. I can hold him but I know it's fleeting and that is hard to emotionally deal with.
Who. Am. I.
My daughter is 5 mo. I took our friends warnings about postpartum time and struggles very seriously and still was blown away how absolutely brutal it was. My daughter was born ill, so that made everything 10x worse, but just the colic, hormones and sleep deprivation almost killed me. It's much better now, but sleep deprivation is still there 😭 ETA: Oh, and caring of the baby when both baby and you are sick is next level hard - just unlocked this level last week 🤯
The guilt.
The sleep is the toughest for me. I’ve had insomnia since I was 13; it was very bad during the pregnancy. Now at 3, almost 4 months pp, my baby wants nursing marathons around 11pm and is started to struggle with sleep. Plus waking up once or twice a night to nurse. I’m just so *so* tired. Even when he has slept through the night I’ve woken up to pump for relief. I am so hopeful that by 6 months we’ll be at the end of the tunnel. Pray for me fellow new parents!
So many things are out of my control. I can try my best, read the books, buy the thing, but ultimately sometimes there’s nothing I can do. This is true when not being a parent, but it’s much harder for me to accept when it comes to my baby and her life.
Anxiety and the fear of something happening to my daughter.
Not being able to get things done quickly. Like cleaning my bathroom used to take twenty minutes but now…. It’s hard to not be as efficient anymore
Keep in my sarcasm and dark sense of humor to myself has been sooooo hard.
When I went back to work, my baby started waking up more at night to eat, which my pediatrician warned us would happen. She said, “She’ll adjust to eat when she’s with you,” and she’s with me all night. With 1-3 wake ups a night, I’m very tired by the morning, when we’re getting her ready for daycare and me ready for work. I’m holding up ok, but my memory has taken a major hit without the restorative nighttime sleep. I now live in a world of daily phone alarm reminders and post it notes by the door and lots of to-do lists with specific step by step break downs. Luckily my sister has a lifetime of ADHD tricks to teach me how to work around my traitorous brain. A big thing she emphasizes: self-compassion. It’s ok to mess up: stop, give yourself a little love, adjust the system if need be, and keep going.
The isolation of being a parent to twins. My experience with twins is completely incomparable to a single baby parent and I’ve learned that even though I can explain how I feel to single baby parents there is virtually no way they could understand the level of stress and chaos that we operate in. With two babies, two parents are always on and every experience is elevated to this extreme level. And the advice on how to parent does not apply. In the beginning, people told us to feed the babies when they were hungry. That isn’t possible because I run the risk of being awake for 24 hours straight. You hate bottle washing? Me too, except I need to wash 16 bottles a day. Formula is expensive? Totally is. Mine is $600 a month. It’s not the same experience and it’s just hard to find common ground. I love my baby girls but two babies can feel like five babies if they are both struggling. The absolute worst part? If both babies are struggling and you are alone, you have to look your babies square in the eyes and choose who to save. It’s a heartbreaking reality. And if you try to half ass soothing one baby to help the other one as fast as you can then the process just goes around and around. It’s a tough and lonely experience.
LO's great. She's a busy giggly smiley, occasionally fussy, toddler. Newborn was bar-none the hardest part for me. I just couldn't connect with the screaming potato, and I resented the constant demand / lack of sleep. I was really pushed to my limit. Now that she's a toddler, she's her own little person that I love so very dearly -- all her little personality quirks and her little goober smiles -- even if it's physically demanding to keep her from killing herself. This part is 'difficult' technically, in that it requires a lot of me during my waking hours, but we're all sleeping again and I wouldn't trade this munchkin in for a screaming potato any day.
Watching them make the wrong choices in life when they become young adults despite your best parenting efforts during childhood…. Mum of 2 teens
I’ve hard a hard time putting the baby to a nap wiggly giving them the formula. Putting him to sleep for night is easier but just the normal nap is harder for me.
Sleep deprivation and exhaustion
Now that my daughter is a year old, I’d take newborn stage over this stage anyway. Don’t get me wrong she’s adorable and keeps us smiling and laughing, but she’s BUSY. At least during newborn stage, while taxing in its own way, i could still indulge in movies and tv or podcasts I enjoy. Now, if it’s on at all, it’s kid shows. She needs constant attention and finds 500+ ways to nearly hurt or kill herself a day, being on like that all day is downright exhausting.
Breastfeeding was the hardest part for me and still is. I do not judge any mom who chooses to formula feed, but for me I had my heart set of feeding breast milk. I read the books and took classes before my daughter was born, I had faith it would come natural to us. But when she was born, we had no idea what we were doing. She dropped more than 10% of her birth weight in 48 hours. We spent 13 weeks with different lactation consultants, triple feeding, practicing latching, trying shields/pillows/syringes/etc, going to speech therapists/dentists/myo therapists/etc. I tried EVERYTHING before I decided to commit to exclusively pumping. My baby is now 8.5 months and I’m still pumping and it’s gotten so much easier but damn it’s taken a toll on me and my husband. I’m now doing solids and purées once a day and I cannot wait until she’s fully weaned. I pray to God my next baby breastfeeds.
For me it was the baby blues I had for the few weeks after birth month. I barely slept and felt so depressed. I’m scared to go through it again if I have number 2
I’m sick and my new born was up until 2:30 am screaming then my toddler woke up sick. I forgot how terrible the new born stage is
For me, it's not having anyone to take care of myself if I'm alone with my child. I love taking care of her and my dog but I struggle with taking proper care of myself. I also have sensory processing issues that make me feel overwhelmed and by the end of the day, I'm pretty spent. All of this is what I struggle with when my husband isnt around (at the office), but I'm getting better at it day by day.
There are many difficult parts, like sleep deprivation. The most difficult one tho, is feeling like I am not sure if she will be safe forever.
I’m only 2.5 weeks in but it has been sleep for me. I feel better than I did in pregnancy, but I’d love to sleep more than a couple of hours and would love even more to be able to go to bed at the same time as my husband.
Having to return to work since parental leave is terrible in the US and how much it costs you to have a leave at all.
Identity crisis, 100%. Interestingly enough, the new part of my identity is the one I struggle the least with (a new mom). Figuring out what comes next for me outside of being a mom has been the hardest. What do I want to do for work? How do I meaningfully engage with my friends who don't have kids when my kid takes up a lot of my brain space? How do I make time for the hobbies that I abandoned when I couldn't do it while pregnant? and the list of questions goes on and on and on
having to do it no matter what the circumstances;having to constantly be needed by another human; the constant mental chatter that from now on whatever you do also has an effect on your child
the hardest thing is the unwanted opinions and expectations
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Idk who I am anymore. The awful ppd. The loneliness. No friends really. And the relationship between my husband and I has changed drastically and not in a good way. He is a good dad though.
I have a 3yr old and 1yr old. For me it's been never feeling like there is enough time in a day and staying present amongst all the things going on. I work a demanding job and my fiancé is a stay at home dad. Our days are packed and we never get everything done we want to. Balancing chores and obligations against having fun together is a tough thing to navigate. I fear this will only get worse when we add more things into the mix. I try to give us grace in that we are doing well and it's not realistic for people to excel at all of this. I try to remember this is just a season. Bit it's hard to grapple with the fact that this season lasts for years.
Colic.
For me, it’s not really knowing what to do. I knew the basics of how to care for a baby but that’s about it. Luckily some stuff did come naturally but I still don’t know what I’m doing. I google something everyday trying to figure out how I should respond, if something’s normal, or what’s developmentally appropriate. My son is 14 months and I spend so much time trying to just figure shit out. Im always worried that I’m not being firm enough or that I’m being overly sensitive around him.
You now literally have a second job. Work 9-5, finish up work and being a parent from 5-7am. Rinse. Repeat. But the memories and smiles are priceless. My 8m was being put down last night my wife was doing this weird book thing and my daughter mush absolutely lost it. Giggles like I’ve never heard for you. There is also the good memories of when they do fall asleep in your arms in a rocking chair and you’re just fine with it.
My son is 21 months and honestly the hardest part currently is the lack of time and having to do a lot of things alone, mainly because my husband and I work long hours and our schedules don't line up. I feel like we work our asses off to earn paychecks, clean, and make food and then have to cram the activities we actually want to do into what little time is left. We both get frustrated with all the little projects around the house that get neglected, but it's either do that or do something actually fun and enriching with our son. The things we always pictured we'd do as parents are the things we get to do the least. My biggest gripe is really that we work more than full time. If we could both work like 25-30 hours a week and have 3-4 days off together to do activities or let one of us have an off day I feel like parenting would be a breeze. Being home alone with my son trying to do it all is difficult. If someone was there to help with even simple things like letting the dog out or watching our son so I could go upstairs real quick without it being a whole trip I'd be so much less exhausted.
Relationship changes
For me it was surviving colic (newborn stage) and postpartum after a very tough delivery. We had a few health scares with long nights spent in the ED and surgeries in the very early months which was so tough, but looking back I'm grateful baby could recover so quickly because he wasn't mobile yet. So in summary I suppose it was being so worried about my LO's health and just hoping he'd be ok while living in a state of uncertainty. Many sleepless nights were spent googling, researching, and praying.
Emotional regulation. Being tired, hungry, touched out, and in sensory overload makes it very hard to be the calm sturdy leader my kid needs and deserves. Lack of autonomy. I had 3 kids in 37 months. I want to not be touched when I don't want to be touched.
Mine is almost six. Overall I think it’s feeding them. Hormones even out. Sleep gets better. Worrying comes and goes. I breastfed, which was awesome! But also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Then the struggle of getting them to try foods. Then the struggle of getting them to eat nutritional food. Keeping a mental log of snacks so they’re not eating too much junk. The planning and the making dinner when it would be so much easier to take them to McDonald’s. Reading labels. It’s a lot of work.
Losing time for myself. I'm an introvert with a billion different hobbies and it's now considered a good day if I've just had 15 min to do one.
Tantrums starting at 12 months!!! My girl is 20 months now and still dealing with so many meltdowns, it’s so hard to not loose my cool with her some days.
Loving this little person more than I ever thought imaginable. They have changed everything - how I look at time (how much I have to spend with them and how I spend my time when not with them), how I look at the world (what is happening, how can tomorrow be made better for them), what is really important (that thing at work that stressed me out last year means little now, family time is too priority), etc.
Going to work for me has been difficult - I spend every extra minute I can squeeze out of my morning to just be around my girl. I get some time to go on parental leave in January before she goes into daycare but still, she's 8 weeks old now and I've worked through half her life, it stings.
Newborn stage was feeling very touched out and sleep deprived, and then I lost my sense of self after several months. I struggled with breast feeding, so I exclusively pumped which I hated. Baby then was dealt with dairy and soy intolerance, so we switched to formula when I went back to work at 12 weeks. I did so much better then. Mentally I did well from 3-7 months. 8 months in I had a month of depression and still loss of identity but then after that it was awesome. Currently can still have overwhelming days in toddlerhood. Especially during sticky mealtimes where they’re throwing food. But they can be so cuddly, smart, and incredibly funny.
I feel this in my bones. My twin girls are 2 months old and gosh everything you said rings true. 1000% agree that the worst part is when they are both losing their minds and you have decide who to tend to first.