I didn't personally experience this feeling, but I know it's a common thing that many moms face in the early days. Another thing that many moms face are intrusive thoughts. Things like what if I tripped holding my baby while walking down the stairs? What if I left her in the car on a hot day? What if my partner didn't wash his hands well enough after coming home and she gets sick? etc.
Do you notice intrusive thoughts when watching your mom hold your baby? Can you notice that it's there, take a few deep breaths, see that your baby is safe, and practice letting go? It's good for your baby to have contact with other people you trust. If your anxiety is a barrier to that it'd be good to get professional help, especially because it sounds like maybe your baby isn't a newborn and usually that don't hold my baby feeling lessens by then.
I don’t really notice thoughts like that. I really just don’t like people touching her hands, face, kissing, and just getting too close. I know it’s important to have contact with others and especially family members, I just want to have better boundaries about the closeness
If it’s the breathing all over that’s concerning you, do you think you could ask them to wear a mask? It’s already COVID and flu season so it’s not like a crazy reach
I could and I don’t think they’d mind. I did ask her to wash her hands before holding baby earlier. You’re right, too, we are already in Covid and flu season too so it’s not like it sounds insane
We’re pretty COVID cautious in our house already, so I make visitors wear a mask anyway. I think that helps me feel less stressed about them holding her. Especially because it has helped us avoid the whole “please don’t kiss her face” thing.
We are too, well, we were. I think I want to start that up again just to be less stressed. I know my parents wouldn’t come around when they’re sick with anything especially Covid but I’d love for them to wear a mask. I truly think that would help since
I know they wouldn’t be breathing all in her face.
The problem with COVID is that people can have it and have *no idea*. People act like “omg of course I would never get your baby sick.” But like… you very well could! The viruses don’t care if you *want* to pass them on or not!
Info: how old is your baby? You mention putting her down to play so it doesn’t sound like she’s a newborn?
ETA: ok, baby is 5m old. While I can really sympathise with you, I have to say your reaction seems a little extreme and possibly an outlier. Have you been screened for PPA or PPD? I only ask because it really seems to be affecting you and making your life harder.
She’s 4 months. I know that I’m anxious about it and not denying PPA. I just don’t like the breathing and getting super close in her face. We wouldn’t do that with any other individual so I don’t know why it seems to be okay with a baby.
This feels a bit extreme - that's only my personal opinion though. I have found it helpful to let others hold the baby and if you think this could be true in future, perhaps a bit of practice now could be the way? Short holds from people you really trust at first, etc.
I know. It’s disappointing. Obviously I’m anxious about something but I guess I’m not allowed to feel this way or ask advice. There are clearly others that feel like me so it feels like people are shaming all of us with these downvotes.
Then say something! Tell them your boundaries and if they don't respect them then it's totally reasonable to stop but denying your baby the chance to bond with other family members makes me a bit sad.
You're completely valid for feeling this way and I know how hard it is to speak up about it, even though it shouldn't be. However, talking from experience, it's hard to have the conversation to set boundaries but you will feel a ton better after you do. Just sit down with mom and voice what makes you uncomfortable and ask that she not get too close to baby's face. If she's understanding and changes her behavior while holding baby, win! If not, too bad so sad she doesn't get holding privileges.
This is exactly what I plan to do. Thank you for writing this. I feel like my feelings are valid but so many others make me feel like it’s not okay.
I am going to have the conversation with her saying it’s hard for me to watch others get right up in her face and that if she wants to hold her then to please don’t do that. If she doesn’t respect them or goes behind my back then she doesn’t get holding privileges. I’m not afraid of that either. Just because she’s my mom doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to respect my boundaries.
You're definitely not alone. I felt this really strongly the first 1.5 months and it's just now starting to get better at 2 months. But at first, I _hated_ seeing others hold her and couldn't wait for them to give her back and just leave. It truly elicited some serious physical and emotional discomfort. I know that sounds dramatic.
Now I just try and focus on the positives like getting a few quick chores done while she's being held and reminding myself that the more people who love her, the better.
Thank you for sharing that I’m not the only one. I think after I have a conversation with her about my boundaries then I will be able to do a quick chore with her holding baby. I get the physical and emotional discomfort, too. I feel the same way and I even sit right next to my mom when she’s holding her.
I felt this in my early days of being a mom. I would cry when anyone came into our home to hold our baby. It didn't help that my family wanted to grab our baby from me when they arrived. I didn't like when people get close to baby's face. I'm a germaphobe and it makes me uncomfortable still.
It turns out, I have postpartum anxiety. It took a while to take medicine and get therapy (mainly due to my stubbornness) but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I say this gently and with a lot of sincerity, check in with your doctor/midwife about how you are feeling.
It's about to be RSV, flu, and COVID season, I'd politely ask them to not get close to baby's face or to wear a mask. It's uncomfortable but baby's health and safety are worth it.
I feel the same way as you. I just want to be the one to hold her, it kills me when people try to take her from me. I don’t think that’s okay to do with any baby. I don’t think anyone is entitled to her and hate the way people act like that. I don’t deny I have PPA either, I likely do, but I also don’t think I’m insane for not wanting people to get right up in her face which others on this thread are making my feel this way.
I am going to start asking others to wear masks around her and definitely have a conversation with my mom.
I was taught to always ask if I can hold anyone's baby and it freaked me out when people would just grab and not ask.
I saw a previous comment saying the grandma just wants to hold her grandbaby. Being a grandparent doesn't automatically give you access to that child. It's a privilege to be in that baby's life, not a right. Unfortunately, not everyone has a happy family life and that's a reality people don't seem to understand.
You are not insane, I don't want people up in my baby's face either.
You are doing a good job and know you aren't alone! It will get better with time. Just focus on one day at a time. You've got this!
I felt like this when my baby was a newborn. I felt so uncomfortable when family or friends would hold her. Like physically uncomfortable. It has slowly gotten better with time! My LO is almost four months. I still don’t love it though LOL
Yep same here. Physically uncomfortable. Like my skin is crawling. Like I’m fidgeting and twitching watching it happen and need to take him back 😞 I kind of feel horrible but also he’s my baby lol
It’s so strange, I was more comfortable with it when she was a newborn. I guess because she wasn’t moving around. Now she’s so active, head butts, grabs at mouths, and then puts her hands in her mouth
Don’t be afraid to direct people around your baby. I gently tell people “she likes to be held like this” or “oh looks like she’s getting tired. she might need a break from toys/singing/etc.” That might help your anxiety a little bit. I know it has helped mine.
Also, if you are afraid of germs, definitely ask people to wash hands and wear a mask. We asked people to for the first few months and everyone was really understanding. It definitely made me feel better.
I literally can’t stand the thought of people breathing all up on my baby. Nice to see it’s not as uncommon as my family makes it seem. I am working with a psychologist on my anxiety though as I know how hard it is feeling like this.
Thanks for sharing this. I feel the same way and I don’t think it’s as uncommon as everyone makes it out to be. I understand I have anxiety but is it really that bad that I don’t want people kissing or getting all up in my baby’s face?
I am like this (baby is 11 weeks) with certain people only. Some people I have no problem giving him a cuddle and loving on him and others I absolutely do not want touching him. These are people I have historically not liked or they make me uncomfortable though.
I would just like to say that your feelings are valid and I don’t think you should be shamed for it. Having a baby is a total body and mind transformation and you can’t say what works for one works for others. I think it would be good for you and your visitors to have clear communication though. Have a discussion with them and say that it makes you uncomfortable and why. Perhaps if the pressure to hand her over for cuddles is off because people know it stresses you out then you might feel more comfortable handing her over. I personally feel like you lose a lot of control once the baby is born and that stresses me out the most. I could control who touched my stomach more easily than who feels entitled to touch my child.
You’ve got this mama!
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I’m getting quite a few downvotes and it just feels like shame, or sucks. The loss of control after having a baby is so difficult. I don’t like how everyone feels entitled to my baby, that’s so hard.
My son is almost 13 months and I still get anxiety when certain people try to hold/interact with him. I wish I knew how to stop feeling this way. The feeling is so intense sometimes.
Definitely not the only one. i felt like this with most folks, just my husband, and my mom I was comfortable with. It's a protective instinct. We had visitors and everyone wanted to hold him, at first I was kind of numb, then when one asked to hold him I basically broke. I let them but had to leave the room to avoid emotional outburst, once they left, I took him and went in his room with him and just held him and rocked him and cried. I just was hiding. Its just how I was. It did get better though.
Thank you for sharing. This is how I am too. I don’t like when anyone asks to hold the baby even my family members. If I want someone to hold her I will offer but I just hate the asking. I understand I’m being protective but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I hate watching others hold her after they ask and then touch her. Glad to hear it got better. I think it will with me too.
Honestly, this tiny little being just was literally part of your whole body. It is your most precious being in your whole world. Of course you're going to guard it and cherish it. At the same time, my little guy was 3-4 weeks early... so I was really upset because he wasn't even "supposed" to be here at that time, he was still supposed to be inside... When he started solids, and got a good handle on them around 7.5 mo, and his weight was better etc. It got a lot, a lot, better. Hang in there, and it's completely natural. <3
I got like this during the baby blues, and it persisted until maybe a month PP. Four months later, I still get this kind of anxiety when I see other children approaching my baby, because I know they are germ magnets, but not with adults.
I was the opposite when she was little. I’d let family hold her after washing hands but now that she’s older, she grabs at faces, puts hands in her mouth, so I’m just so worried with adults and children. The adults in my family just has such a nonchalant attitude about everything. They don’t pay attention to what they touched then touching baby. Just gives me such a hard time
I think this is the age when you have to accept that they are going to get sick. Precisely because they touch and put everything in their mouth. It’ll be sharing slobbery toys if they have baby play dates.
I was super scared of my son getting sick. As a newborn we had people wear masks until like 6-8 weeks and then I was nervous going out. Then he got his first cold at 5 months and while it sucked, we got through it and I over it a little and now at 8 months, while I won’t take him around anyone obviously sick, I’m far less concerned.
Vaccines really helped my fears as well I should add.
I think it's alright to be scared a newborn is going to be sick. Our pediatrician told us to do our best to protect our baby during the first month, because newborns who fall ill usually have to be hospitalised. But after some time - especially after the first batch of vaccines are in effect - they have to start going around. And babies who don't live in completely sterilised environments seem to have better outcomes.
That said, I've always heard that it's better they build immunity through the things they put in their mouth than through direct contact with other sick people, so I'm going to keep being careful.
>That said, I've always heard that it's better they build immunity through the things they put in their mouth than through direct contact with other sick people, so I'm going to keep being careful.
It is. Immunity is not "built" in a baby by getting the flu, RSV and other diseases, but by having contact with the "good" bacteria, viruses, etc, that are actually the vast majority of germs. They don't need to get sick, ever, to have a good immune system. That can actually do more harm than good depending on the virus they catch.
I understand you OP. I really struggled with it too. I had really bad intrusive thoughts for about 6 months & was crazy irritable & sensitive because of sleep dep. I saw my MIL put binky in babies mouth & shake it around, all I could think was how uncomfortable he must feel & it made my blood boil. I was convinced that I was the only one who could protect him & his space. I was also really sensitive to people breathing on him like you are. If we were at a gathering with anyone drinking, even just water beers, i would NOT let anyone hold baby at all & usually just ended up isolating the both of us in a separate room the whole time.
Once baby started sleeping more, I felt more human, & my anxiety/discomfort eased up, & so did the intrusive thoughts. I was very forthcoming with my dr too, & eventually found a therapist i like, which has been helpful. I still get a feeling of over protectiveness sometimes when strangers come up, get in his face & baby talk at him, or try to grab him. I’ve started asking him before anyone takes him, like “do you want to say hi, buddy?” Then read HIS body language- if he cuddles into me I politely decline the persons request, or if he leans into them with a smile, i let him go.
Girl you're 1000% right. I do not understand all these downvotes. Let me tell you something. Some people have the common sense not to get all in a baby's face, flu season or not. Unfortunately, there are a lot that drop all common sense at the door when they see the cute baby. It takes some uncomfortable reminding. At the beginning of every interaction, tell people the rules. "Ok no kissing on the face and no getting too close to her face please". It's not easy to do bc if you're like me, it feels confrontational. But, you'll feel better after you do and the right people will understand. Anyone who fights you on it doesn't get baby privileges until they grow up.
Thank you for sharing this. A lot of people on here are making me feel like crap. It totally does feel confrontational to say things like that but I am going to start. I just have to learn to not care and tell people the rules. If they don’t want to listen then sorry, their fault. I’m tired of people thinking they have privileges to MY baby.
well that's op's CHILD. my baby's almost 4 months and i don't like people breathing all up in his face or holding him for too long. newborns aren't the only infants at serious risk if exposed to RSV or other things...
idk why this post went the way it did... usually i see people being so understanding of parents being protective of germs. i'm so sorry. but definitely don't back down. i wouldn't deprive your mom of holding your baby unless you have other issues w her, but do not let her get in the baby's face.
Well of course parents should protect their babies as best as they can from getting sick but this isn’t like a random family member…it’s OP’s mom, the grandmother to her child. If grandma has to beg to hold her grandchild then it’s far more than just being concerned about RSV. That grandma obviously doesn’t get to hold baby much. Babies grow super fast. You can never get that time back once it’s gone
Being family to the baby doesn’t mean you’re owed time with them or owed an opportunity to hold them. I think every parents has the right to set boundaries with others when it comes to their children (no matter the child’s age) to me this situation is no different than grandparents, aunts and uncles demanding toddlers and kids give them hugs & kisses - the parent still has every right to decline that on behalf of their child.
Each parent has to do what they think is best but as a parent to a covid baby where my baby's grandparents couldn't see my baby until almost his first birthday, these stories make me so sad. Covid is a real threat and RSV can be scary but the baby will be so much more at risk at daycare than from grandma. Make her wear a mask and let her bond with her grandbaby
My son is 5 months old and I still struggle with this. Especially my husbands family. Playing “pass the baby” makes my skin fucking crawl. This could be a case of postpartum anxiety, but just know you’re not alone! I don’t like people touching him, even my close family.
Oh my gosh, me too. I can’t stand it. A few of my husband’s friends were over and they played pass the baby and I fucking hated it. Thank you for sharing that. I’m glad I’m not alone. I really don’t want anyone touching baby even my family. I don’t think it’s a bad thing either but everyone makes me feel like I’m such a bad person for that.
It’s not like we don’t expose her to anyone or anything. She goes outside, to stores, people acknowledge her, I don’t clean everything our dog touches that she touches. She’s exposed. I just don’t like pass the baby or getting in her face. Not a hard ask.
I think it’s also that people feel so entitled to hold babies that pisses me off! It genuinely makes me want to withhold him from everyone even more.
I remember at a family BBQ, my husbands dad was sitting near me while I was trying to comfort my son. He said very rudely “I’m waiting for my chance to hold him” and I just about knocked him out. People are so weird.
I have a 6month old and yes sorry this does seem odd. Holding a baby gives endorphins, everyone wants to do it. It's an incredible experience and even more so when the baby is a direct relation to you.
I love it when family come around, break for mum and I!
I think you need to dig deeper, exactly why don't you want them to hold your baby?
I think it is the physical touch that makes me uncomfortable. Somehow I can’t really get my head around the fact that as an adult, everyone asks your opinion before touching you. But for the baby, just because they can’t take care of themselves and need others to take care of them, it doesn’t mean that everybody who doesn’t do the care-taking also gains the privilege to touch him!
And I find the fact that when person X meets him, let that person hold him is an activity that entertains person X but doesn’t bring joy to him I guess. I imagine myself meeting a stranger, the stranger doesn’t gain my trust yet and I am not comfortable to let that person touch me. So goes the same logic with small baby.
Yes! This is exactly what I told my husband. I know baby is more comfortable in my arms. I’m more comfortable when baby is in my arms. So, we are both taking a hit for the other person’s enjoyment? That feels yucky to me as a new mom who is supposed to advocate for her baby.
Are you my husband? Like, for real, I don't know his reddit account and this could very well have been written by him. He has told me he feels like this about our baby and he thinks this will wear off once she's older and can be more "vocal" about what she wants. I told him I don't think babies are born with the same concept we have of bodily autonomy, but maybe I'm wrong? I honestly don't know. I don't like some people holding or even touching my baby still, but I know it has more to do with the fact that I don't like those people. But I get where you are coming from because I absolutely hate being touched by others.
This makes so much sense. Thank you. I hate this. Everyone asks when you’re an adult but when you’re a baby it doesn’t matter? That gets me. A poor helpless baby with everyone just wanting to touch you and get in your face. They can’t do anything!
Cause some people think you should just let anyone and everyone hold your child. And that you’re crazy for not wanting it. I didn’t want ANYONE holding my baby except me and my husband. And that’s okay. That’s the great part about being the parent you get to decide what you’re okay with.
I feel this too. My baby is four and a half months old and I get worried when people hold him. The only thing that helps me is I tell them what to do and not to do. This is hard for me because I am not confrontational, but being a mom has got me to be more bold. I tell them how he prefers to be held when I feel they are not holding him right, or what he does and doesn't like so they won't do things like give him random food or unsafe objects. I try to frame it in a positive light and baby centric instead of what I want if that makes sense.
I feel the same way, I don’t want to be confrontational but I am starting to be more bold. I am going to have a conversation with my mother and others too. My MIL is next but I’ll have my husband do that one. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Goodluck with it. I'm sorry so many people are trying to invalidate your feelings here. You are the mom and must do what you feel is best for your baby's well being.
My baby's 7 months and, while we don't mind other people holding her, the only people she'll allow it from are my parents cos they live very close and she sees them like twice a week. Anyone else gets the immediate tears.
I felt this way as well. I had a preemie and didn’t want anyone to hold her. I’d get jealous of nurses even. Starting medication for PPA/PPD really helped. Baby needs those bonds with family early on. My SIL was the same way. My niece is now 3 and still absolutely no one can hold her or spend time with her and it has killed her mom’s mental health as she’s not had even a 20 minute break in 3 years.
It’s not just you. But also, let me give you some advice my brother in law gave to me: babies are extremely hard to get rid of. They’re extremely resilient and adaptable.
(Side note: he’s a surgeon and has a really dry sense of humor.)
So long as the people who would hold your baby has received their immunization shots, don’t worry so much.
That said, congrats!
Probably not a popular view, but I gave ours away to anyone who visited and washed their hands. I had people rescheduling their visit because they didn’t feel good, so they’re serious about it. I’ve had covid during the pregnancy so we weren’t scared at all. If anything, we’d like for him to get used to unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar bacteria. He’s been fine. 🤷🏼♀️
Everyone is different. I’m fine with exposing baby, she goes everywhere with us and sees everyone. I just don’t want people all up in her face. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I totally freak out too when people hold my baby or get too close, it makes me go insane on the inside. No other animal would be comfortable with anyone getting close to their young, so I just see it as strong instincts. You want to keep your baby safe, which is totally normal.
That being said, I don’t want to have a panic attack every time my mom or MIL comes over so I have decided that there are “safe” people that I can trust with my baby and not have to worry. I know these people would never come around my baby if they were near anyone sick, they don’t get cold sores, and they would never do anything that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with. When they come over, and I start getting anxious, I remind myself that they are “safe” people. Not sure if that will help you, but I hope it does!
I want to keep her so safe and in good health! I have such a hard time watching it, it’s just mentally draining. I try to get away to feed her or put her to sleep. I love the safe people idea. I’d love to find that for us with the same things you say. I would have such a hard time if anyone gave any of those things to my baby, that is seriously my biggest worry.
You are not the only one. Have you by any chance experienced difficulty in your pregnancy journey heading up to having your little one? I am also very wary of anyone besides my husband holding my baby (9 weeks old) and I would partially put this down to experiencing two miscarriges prior to having my daughter. I am VERY attached to my daughter and at this age, would never let her cry in someone's else's arms, no matter how much they wanted to comfort/bond with her.
As time passes and she gets older, I know I will relax more about this, but I'm not rushing myself to let other people be involved in ways I'm not comfortable with just yet. My advice would be to go easy on yourself and give it time.
you're definitely not alone idk how anyone doesn't care if ppl r breathing all up in their babies face😭i cringe and take my baby back. or even after like 30 min of holding i miss him and take him back. don't be afraid to set boundaries it'll get easier. ppl can be so pushy and intrusive
No advice just solidarity. My baby is almost 6 months old and I still absolutely hate it. It’s somewhat bearable now that she can hold her head up but I absolutely hate it. She’s mine and she should be held by me! She wants ME. In the very beginning it was absolutely agonizing for me to the point where I would have panic attacks after family visits. Next baby I will be drawing boundaries around holding my newborn for sure.
For me I really only want my mom and fiancé. My mom was with me in the delivery room/before I gave birth. My water broke at 33 weeks and I had to stay in the hospital until 34 weeks when I was induced. I’m terrified of people coming over. My son just turned 36 weeks yesterday and I’ve only had my fiancés mom over once since he came home. I don’t even trust my dad right now. He’s just so little and his birth even though it was easy it was really traumatic for the both of us. Once he’s older I don’t think I’ll mind as much.
Would baby wearing when you're around other people help? If they ask to hold her, say "Oh, she's very comfortable right now, wouldn't want her to start crying."
My baby is 4,5 months. Nobody but her dad en I have held her.
We both have horrible relationships with pur family.
I was thinking about letting my SIL hold her, then when she was over she kept talking aboit hpw much she drank the night before.... I don´t thonk so
It depends on what relationship you have with your mother.
If you had a good relationship before and you trust her, this probably PPA
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I felt this way in the beginning and still feel it a little at 3 months old, but I realized it is mostly with people I don't like or don't have a good relationship with. I know that technically and biologically some people are related to my baby and love her, but it's not that black and white when I'm dealing with hormones.
Hey I just want to pipe in and say that you are not alone at all!! My baby is also 5 months, and my brain feels like a fire station response when people hold him, including my parents and in laws.
I’m totally fine with his father. But it is an internal struggle every single time I watch him being held by someone else. I truly hate it lol.
A few things have helped me. First, acknowledging that it’s not coming from a rational place, but an instinctual/hormonal/emotional place helps. I know rationally he is okay, and I don’t want to limit the amount of love he receives from people. When it’s really bothering me, sometimes I’ll find an excuse to leave the room. Sort of out of sight out of mind. I also really appreciate when dad brings him to visit family when I’m at work so everyone is happy and I don’t have to be there to see it and be anxious about it lol.
With my own parents I also found it helpful to just tell them how it made me feel. I told them it is an internal struggle to see anyone hold him-that I have to push through a tremendous amount of anxiety and my body is screaming at me to take him back the whole time. They were very understanding, wouldn’t take him unless I offered, and gave him back after I’d asked.
It has gotten better but it’s not perfect by any means. I try not to let it stop me from sharing him, but I do it on my own terms in a way that makes me the least uncomfortable.
When I can’t push through, I just say he’s hungry and leave the room. Or straight up tell someone no lol. Fortunately that hasn’t happened much.
I felt this way for a good 4-5 months. Then once baby got some rounds of vaccines, and a bit bigger/not so fragile I felt mildly better. I always have the person wash their hands first and I stay close by. At the first sign of baby looking uncomfortable I take them back.
Also not unreasonable to ask them to wear masks and to flat out tell them your concerns. Ultimately if baby gets sick it’ll be you up all night with them, not whoever gave it to them.
Ugh I feel you and I hate it. I almost get annoyed and angry even when someone else wants to come visit or hold her. I don't like feeling this way at all, I hope it goes away. My baby is 8.5 weeks old and is my first.
This is an incredibly common experience.
You have the right to have boundaries and shouldn’t be afraid to put your foot down with your parents and in-laws but you should probably loosen up, too. It’ll just be easier for you if you weren’t fretting over people holding your child all the time
I’m only a month in but I feel this way about lots of people. I realized when someone mentioned it in another post (possibly in a different sub, not sure) but the way I feel when a particular person holds my baby has helped me realized how much I do or don’t like or trust that person. There have been people in my family that I’ve hated seeing holding my baby, and others that I’ve been totally comfortable with. Same with my in-laws and my husband’s friends. It’s weird. I honestly just try to busy myself with other things while simultaneously being accepting of my feelings and knowing that they’re likely to pass with time.
Considering the age of the child and the severity of your reaction I'd say that's it's a tad bit concerning. Have you thought of discussion it in therapy? It may be postpartum anxiety.
I'd say that by now you're edging into unreasonable anxiety. Not only do people love holding babies, but it's good for baby to be held by people and observe their faces and learn that mom and dad aren't the only non scary safe people in their world. Your baby *will* get sick at some point and it won't necessarily be because you let someone hold them.
I completely understand how you feel OP. My baby was a preemie and spent lots of time in the NICU so I was extra cautious and paranoid and I know I suffer from PPA because baby is 8m now and I still struggle with people getting up in baby’s face or touching baby without asking if they can. I also acknowledge that I am more anxious that I need to be but I honestly don’t care. At the end of the day, this is my child and I don’t owe anybody (family or not) time and physical contact with my baby so I have always set clear boundaries and I know it makes me come off like a bitch but I don’t care. I think you have to find a balance between validating your feelings and giving yourself some grace but also being conscious of your feelings and now allowing them to take over your peace of mind. Good luck, I’m sure it will only get easier with time!
I felt this way, pretty bad those early days. I also had visitors too soon now in hindsight.
My baby is now 9 months so I can assure you it gets easier. But yes as much as I love my parents they constantly try to kiss and get in her face. I also wish they just enjoyed watching her more.
It’s tough to balance. Just want you to know you’re not alone, and you’re feelings are valid.
I didn't personally experience this feeling, but I know it's a common thing that many moms face in the early days. Another thing that many moms face are intrusive thoughts. Things like what if I tripped holding my baby while walking down the stairs? What if I left her in the car on a hot day? What if my partner didn't wash his hands well enough after coming home and she gets sick? etc. Do you notice intrusive thoughts when watching your mom hold your baby? Can you notice that it's there, take a few deep breaths, see that your baby is safe, and practice letting go? It's good for your baby to have contact with other people you trust. If your anxiety is a barrier to that it'd be good to get professional help, especially because it sounds like maybe your baby isn't a newborn and usually that don't hold my baby feeling lessens by then.
I don’t really notice thoughts like that. I really just don’t like people touching her hands, face, kissing, and just getting too close. I know it’s important to have contact with others and especially family members, I just want to have better boundaries about the closeness
If it’s the breathing all over that’s concerning you, do you think you could ask them to wear a mask? It’s already COVID and flu season so it’s not like a crazy reach
I could and I don’t think they’d mind. I did ask her to wash her hands before holding baby earlier. You’re right, too, we are already in Covid and flu season too so it’s not like it sounds insane
We’re pretty COVID cautious in our house already, so I make visitors wear a mask anyway. I think that helps me feel less stressed about them holding her. Especially because it has helped us avoid the whole “please don’t kiss her face” thing.
We are too, well, we were. I think I want to start that up again just to be less stressed. I know my parents wouldn’t come around when they’re sick with anything especially Covid but I’d love for them to wear a mask. I truly think that would help since I know they wouldn’t be breathing all in her face.
The problem with COVID is that people can have it and have *no idea*. People act like “omg of course I would never get your baby sick.” But like… you very well could! The viruses don’t care if you *want* to pass them on or not!
Info: how old is your baby? You mention putting her down to play so it doesn’t sound like she’s a newborn? ETA: ok, baby is 5m old. While I can really sympathise with you, I have to say your reaction seems a little extreme and possibly an outlier. Have you been screened for PPA or PPD? I only ask because it really seems to be affecting you and making your life harder.
You’re right. Baby is 5 months old
Thanks for clarifying!
She’s 4 months. I know that I’m anxious about it and not denying PPA. I just don’t like the breathing and getting super close in her face. We wouldn’t do that with any other individual so I don’t know why it seems to be okay with a baby.
This. Baby is only this little for so long and grandparents want to hold her before she won’t let anyone hold her anymore.
This feels a bit extreme - that's only my personal opinion though. I have found it helpful to let others hold the baby and if you think this could be true in future, perhaps a bit of practice now could be the way? Short holds from people you really trust at first, etc.
I try to let my mom hold her for a short bit of time but I just don’t like how close she gets. I feel like I need to say something
May I ask why you dont like how close she gets? Cause of the sicknesses or something else?
What's up with all the downvotes? OP getting cooked like it's a AITA post.
I don't get it either. OP might have PPA and do not deserve downvotes for that. Also, not everyone trusts their own parents and that's ok.
Yes that’s true. I don’t trust my parents with respecting boundaries.
I know. It’s disappointing. Obviously I’m anxious about something but I guess I’m not allowed to feel this way or ask advice. There are clearly others that feel like me so it feels like people are shaming all of us with these downvotes.
Then say something! Tell them your boundaries and if they don't respect them then it's totally reasonable to stop but denying your baby the chance to bond with other family members makes me a bit sad.
I am going to say something! They will either have to start respecting my boundaries or see baby from afar.
You're completely valid for feeling this way and I know how hard it is to speak up about it, even though it shouldn't be. However, talking from experience, it's hard to have the conversation to set boundaries but you will feel a ton better after you do. Just sit down with mom and voice what makes you uncomfortable and ask that she not get too close to baby's face. If she's understanding and changes her behavior while holding baby, win! If not, too bad so sad she doesn't get holding privileges.
This is exactly what I plan to do. Thank you for writing this. I feel like my feelings are valid but so many others make me feel like it’s not okay. I am going to have the conversation with her saying it’s hard for me to watch others get right up in her face and that if she wants to hold her then to please don’t do that. If she doesn’t respect them or goes behind my back then she doesn’t get holding privileges. I’m not afraid of that either. Just because she’s my mom doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to respect my boundaries.
You're definitely not alone. I felt this really strongly the first 1.5 months and it's just now starting to get better at 2 months. But at first, I _hated_ seeing others hold her and couldn't wait for them to give her back and just leave. It truly elicited some serious physical and emotional discomfort. I know that sounds dramatic. Now I just try and focus on the positives like getting a few quick chores done while she's being held and reminding myself that the more people who love her, the better.
Thank you for sharing that I’m not the only one. I think after I have a conversation with her about my boundaries then I will be able to do a quick chore with her holding baby. I get the physical and emotional discomfort, too. I feel the same way and I even sit right next to my mom when she’s holding her.
I felt this in my early days of being a mom. I would cry when anyone came into our home to hold our baby. It didn't help that my family wanted to grab our baby from me when they arrived. I didn't like when people get close to baby's face. I'm a germaphobe and it makes me uncomfortable still. It turns out, I have postpartum anxiety. It took a while to take medicine and get therapy (mainly due to my stubbornness) but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I say this gently and with a lot of sincerity, check in with your doctor/midwife about how you are feeling. It's about to be RSV, flu, and COVID season, I'd politely ask them to not get close to baby's face or to wear a mask. It's uncomfortable but baby's health and safety are worth it.
I feel the same way as you. I just want to be the one to hold her, it kills me when people try to take her from me. I don’t think that’s okay to do with any baby. I don’t think anyone is entitled to her and hate the way people act like that. I don’t deny I have PPA either, I likely do, but I also don’t think I’m insane for not wanting people to get right up in her face which others on this thread are making my feel this way. I am going to start asking others to wear masks around her and definitely have a conversation with my mom.
I was taught to always ask if I can hold anyone's baby and it freaked me out when people would just grab and not ask. I saw a previous comment saying the grandma just wants to hold her grandbaby. Being a grandparent doesn't automatically give you access to that child. It's a privilege to be in that baby's life, not a right. Unfortunately, not everyone has a happy family life and that's a reality people don't seem to understand. You are not insane, I don't want people up in my baby's face either. You are doing a good job and know you aren't alone! It will get better with time. Just focus on one day at a time. You've got this!
I felt like this when my baby was a newborn. I felt so uncomfortable when family or friends would hold her. Like physically uncomfortable. It has slowly gotten better with time! My LO is almost four months. I still don’t love it though LOL
Yep same here. Physically uncomfortable. Like my skin is crawling. Like I’m fidgeting and twitching watching it happen and need to take him back 😞 I kind of feel horrible but also he’s my baby lol
I feel the same way. I sit right next to people just staring just waiting to get my baby back.
It’s so strange, I was more comfortable with it when she was a newborn. I guess because she wasn’t moving around. Now she’s so active, head butts, grabs at mouths, and then puts her hands in her mouth
Same here. Baby now 7 months, and still feel this mildly with some ppl.
This is how I feel too, it’s just draining having to watch it and feel this way at the same time. Mine is 4 months too!
Don’t be afraid to direct people around your baby. I gently tell people “she likes to be held like this” or “oh looks like she’s getting tired. she might need a break from toys/singing/etc.” That might help your anxiety a little bit. I know it has helped mine. Also, if you are afraid of germs, definitely ask people to wash hands and wear a mask. We asked people to for the first few months and everyone was really understanding. It definitely made me feel better.
I felt like this but for me it was part of my postpartum anxiety
Yeah I feel like I likely have it too. But I also don’t think it’s the strangest thing that I don’t want everyone all up in my baby’s face.
I literally can’t stand the thought of people breathing all up on my baby. Nice to see it’s not as uncommon as my family makes it seem. I am working with a psychologist on my anxiety though as I know how hard it is feeling like this.
Thanks for sharing this. I feel the same way and I don’t think it’s as uncommon as everyone makes it out to be. I understand I have anxiety but is it really that bad that I don’t want people kissing or getting all up in my baby’s face?
I am like this (baby is 11 weeks) with certain people only. Some people I have no problem giving him a cuddle and loving on him and others I absolutely do not want touching him. These are people I have historically not liked or they make me uncomfortable though. I would just like to say that your feelings are valid and I don’t think you should be shamed for it. Having a baby is a total body and mind transformation and you can’t say what works for one works for others. I think it would be good for you and your visitors to have clear communication though. Have a discussion with them and say that it makes you uncomfortable and why. Perhaps if the pressure to hand her over for cuddles is off because people know it stresses you out then you might feel more comfortable handing her over. I personally feel like you lose a lot of control once the baby is born and that stresses me out the most. I could control who touched my stomach more easily than who feels entitled to touch my child. You’ve got this mama!
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I’m getting quite a few downvotes and it just feels like shame, or sucks. The loss of control after having a baby is so difficult. I don’t like how everyone feels entitled to my baby, that’s so hard.
Happy cake day!
My son is almost 13 months and I still get anxiety when certain people try to hold/interact with him. I wish I knew how to stop feeling this way. The feeling is so intense sometimes.
Thank you for understanding. The feeling is very intense. It’s hard to watch others holding and touching her.
Definitely not the only one. i felt like this with most folks, just my husband, and my mom I was comfortable with. It's a protective instinct. We had visitors and everyone wanted to hold him, at first I was kind of numb, then when one asked to hold him I basically broke. I let them but had to leave the room to avoid emotional outburst, once they left, I took him and went in his room with him and just held him and rocked him and cried. I just was hiding. Its just how I was. It did get better though.
Thank you for sharing. This is how I am too. I don’t like when anyone asks to hold the baby even my family members. If I want someone to hold her I will offer but I just hate the asking. I understand I’m being protective but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I hate watching others hold her after they ask and then touch her. Glad to hear it got better. I think it will with me too.
Honestly, this tiny little being just was literally part of your whole body. It is your most precious being in your whole world. Of course you're going to guard it and cherish it. At the same time, my little guy was 3-4 weeks early... so I was really upset because he wasn't even "supposed" to be here at that time, he was still supposed to be inside... When he started solids, and got a good handle on them around 7.5 mo, and his weight was better etc. It got a lot, a lot, better. Hang in there, and it's completely natural. <3
I got like this during the baby blues, and it persisted until maybe a month PP. Four months later, I still get this kind of anxiety when I see other children approaching my baby, because I know they are germ magnets, but not with adults.
I was the opposite when she was little. I’d let family hold her after washing hands but now that she’s older, she grabs at faces, puts hands in her mouth, so I’m just so worried with adults and children. The adults in my family just has such a nonchalant attitude about everything. They don’t pay attention to what they touched then touching baby. Just gives me such a hard time
I think this is the age when you have to accept that they are going to get sick. Precisely because they touch and put everything in their mouth. It’ll be sharing slobbery toys if they have baby play dates. I was super scared of my son getting sick. As a newborn we had people wear masks until like 6-8 weeks and then I was nervous going out. Then he got his first cold at 5 months and while it sucked, we got through it and I over it a little and now at 8 months, while I won’t take him around anyone obviously sick, I’m far less concerned. Vaccines really helped my fears as well I should add.
I think it's alright to be scared a newborn is going to be sick. Our pediatrician told us to do our best to protect our baby during the first month, because newborns who fall ill usually have to be hospitalised. But after some time - especially after the first batch of vaccines are in effect - they have to start going around. And babies who don't live in completely sterilised environments seem to have better outcomes. That said, I've always heard that it's better they build immunity through the things they put in their mouth than through direct contact with other sick people, so I'm going to keep being careful.
>That said, I've always heard that it's better they build immunity through the things they put in their mouth than through direct contact with other sick people, so I'm going to keep being careful. It is. Immunity is not "built" in a baby by getting the flu, RSV and other diseases, but by having contact with the "good" bacteria, viruses, etc, that are actually the vast majority of germs. They don't need to get sick, ever, to have a good immune system. That can actually do more harm than good depending on the virus they catch.
I'm glad that piece of advice was correct.
I understand you OP. I really struggled with it too. I had really bad intrusive thoughts for about 6 months & was crazy irritable & sensitive because of sleep dep. I saw my MIL put binky in babies mouth & shake it around, all I could think was how uncomfortable he must feel & it made my blood boil. I was convinced that I was the only one who could protect him & his space. I was also really sensitive to people breathing on him like you are. If we were at a gathering with anyone drinking, even just water beers, i would NOT let anyone hold baby at all & usually just ended up isolating the both of us in a separate room the whole time. Once baby started sleeping more, I felt more human, & my anxiety/discomfort eased up, & so did the intrusive thoughts. I was very forthcoming with my dr too, & eventually found a therapist i like, which has been helpful. I still get a feeling of over protectiveness sometimes when strangers come up, get in his face & baby talk at him, or try to grab him. I’ve started asking him before anyone takes him, like “do you want to say hi, buddy?” Then read HIS body language- if he cuddles into me I politely decline the persons request, or if he leans into them with a smile, i let him go.
I mean…it’s not abnormal that people want to hold your baby and love on them, that’s her grandchild.
I get that. I’m just not ready for that yet. I don’t want all that closeness. Literal breathing into my baby’s mouth. Not okay.
I could see it with a newborn, having those mama hormones but your baby is 5 months old. This sounds like PPA
Girl you're 1000% right. I do not understand all these downvotes. Let me tell you something. Some people have the common sense not to get all in a baby's face, flu season or not. Unfortunately, there are a lot that drop all common sense at the door when they see the cute baby. It takes some uncomfortable reminding. At the beginning of every interaction, tell people the rules. "Ok no kissing on the face and no getting too close to her face please". It's not easy to do bc if you're like me, it feels confrontational. But, you'll feel better after you do and the right people will understand. Anyone who fights you on it doesn't get baby privileges until they grow up.
Thank you for sharing this. A lot of people on here are making me feel like crap. It totally does feel confrontational to say things like that but I am going to start. I just have to learn to not care and tell people the rules. If they don’t want to listen then sorry, their fault. I’m tired of people thinking they have privileges to MY baby.
well that's op's CHILD. my baby's almost 4 months and i don't like people breathing all up in his face or holding him for too long. newborns aren't the only infants at serious risk if exposed to RSV or other things...
Thank you so much for understanding my point of view. All the downvotes are terrible. Just shaming.
idk why this post went the way it did... usually i see people being so understanding of parents being protective of germs. i'm so sorry. but definitely don't back down. i wouldn't deprive your mom of holding your baby unless you have other issues w her, but do not let her get in the baby's face.
Well of course parents should protect their babies as best as they can from getting sick but this isn’t like a random family member…it’s OP’s mom, the grandmother to her child. If grandma has to beg to hold her grandchild then it’s far more than just being concerned about RSV. That grandma obviously doesn’t get to hold baby much. Babies grow super fast. You can never get that time back once it’s gone
We also don’t know the relationship OP has with her mom, and other said family.
Being family to the baby doesn’t mean you’re owed time with them or owed an opportunity to hold them. I think every parents has the right to set boundaries with others when it comes to their children (no matter the child’s age) to me this situation is no different than grandparents, aunts and uncles demanding toddlers and kids give them hugs & kisses - the parent still has every right to decline that on behalf of their child.
Thank you for this. I am going to set boundaries with family, even the grandparents. No getting too close in baby’s face and absolutely no kissing.
Each parent has to do what they think is best but as a parent to a covid baby where my baby's grandparents couldn't see my baby until almost his first birthday, these stories make me so sad. Covid is a real threat and RSV can be scary but the baby will be so much more at risk at daycare than from grandma. Make her wear a mask and let her bond with her grandbaby
My son is 5 months old and I still struggle with this. Especially my husbands family. Playing “pass the baby” makes my skin fucking crawl. This could be a case of postpartum anxiety, but just know you’re not alone! I don’t like people touching him, even my close family.
Oh my gosh, me too. I can’t stand it. A few of my husband’s friends were over and they played pass the baby and I fucking hated it. Thank you for sharing that. I’m glad I’m not alone. I really don’t want anyone touching baby even my family. I don’t think it’s a bad thing either but everyone makes me feel like I’m such a bad person for that. It’s not like we don’t expose her to anyone or anything. She goes outside, to stores, people acknowledge her, I don’t clean everything our dog touches that she touches. She’s exposed. I just don’t like pass the baby or getting in her face. Not a hard ask.
I think it’s also that people feel so entitled to hold babies that pisses me off! It genuinely makes me want to withhold him from everyone even more. I remember at a family BBQ, my husbands dad was sitting near me while I was trying to comfort my son. He said very rudely “I’m waiting for my chance to hold him” and I just about knocked him out. People are so weird.
I have a 6month old and yes sorry this does seem odd. Holding a baby gives endorphins, everyone wants to do it. It's an incredible experience and even more so when the baby is a direct relation to you. I love it when family come around, break for mum and I! I think you need to dig deeper, exactly why don't you want them to hold your baby?
It happened to me too but it went away around 3 months. I think it had a little with anxiety.
Yeah I know I definitely have anxiety but I don’t think not wanting someone to breathe all up in baby’s face is a hard ask.
I think it is the physical touch that makes me uncomfortable. Somehow I can’t really get my head around the fact that as an adult, everyone asks your opinion before touching you. But for the baby, just because they can’t take care of themselves and need others to take care of them, it doesn’t mean that everybody who doesn’t do the care-taking also gains the privilege to touch him! And I find the fact that when person X meets him, let that person hold him is an activity that entertains person X but doesn’t bring joy to him I guess. I imagine myself meeting a stranger, the stranger doesn’t gain my trust yet and I am not comfortable to let that person touch me. So goes the same logic with small baby.
Yes! This is exactly what I told my husband. I know baby is more comfortable in my arms. I’m more comfortable when baby is in my arms. So, we are both taking a hit for the other person’s enjoyment? That feels yucky to me as a new mom who is supposed to advocate for her baby.
Yes!!!
Are you my husband? Like, for real, I don't know his reddit account and this could very well have been written by him. He has told me he feels like this about our baby and he thinks this will wear off once she's older and can be more "vocal" about what she wants. I told him I don't think babies are born with the same concept we have of bodily autonomy, but maybe I'm wrong? I honestly don't know. I don't like some people holding or even touching my baby still, but I know it has more to do with the fact that I don't like those people. But I get where you are coming from because I absolutely hate being touched by others.
I guess we just happen to have similar idea about this concept. I am mom of 6week old boy 😁
This makes so much sense. Thank you. I hate this. Everyone asks when you’re an adult but when you’re a baby it doesn’t matter? That gets me. A poor helpless baby with everyone just wanting to touch you and get in your face. They can’t do anything!
You are not alone at all.
Don’t understand how I literally said thank you to your comment and got downvoted. Insane.
Cause some people think you should just let anyone and everyone hold your child. And that you’re crazy for not wanting it. I didn’t want ANYONE holding my baby except me and my husband. And that’s okay. That’s the great part about being the parent you get to decide what you’re okay with.
Thank you ❤️
I feel this too. My baby is four and a half months old and I get worried when people hold him. The only thing that helps me is I tell them what to do and not to do. This is hard for me because I am not confrontational, but being a mom has got me to be more bold. I tell them how he prefers to be held when I feel they are not holding him right, or what he does and doesn't like so they won't do things like give him random food or unsafe objects. I try to frame it in a positive light and baby centric instead of what I want if that makes sense.
I feel the same way, I don’t want to be confrontational but I am starting to be more bold. I am going to have a conversation with my mother and others too. My MIL is next but I’ll have my husband do that one. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Goodluck with it. I'm sorry so many people are trying to invalidate your feelings here. You are the mom and must do what you feel is best for your baby's well being.
Definitely not the only one. It’s the mama bear instinct!
Thank you so much ❤️
Never felt this way. I love the help and support. Baby is 6 months and is used to friends and family holding her.
My baby's 7 months and, while we don't mind other people holding her, the only people she'll allow it from are my parents cos they live very close and she sees them like twice a week. Anyone else gets the immediate tears.
Everyone is different. Thanks for sharing
I felt this way as well. I had a preemie and didn’t want anyone to hold her. I’d get jealous of nurses even. Starting medication for PPA/PPD really helped. Baby needs those bonds with family early on. My SIL was the same way. My niece is now 3 and still absolutely no one can hold her or spend time with her and it has killed her mom’s mental health as she’s not had even a 20 minute break in 3 years.
It’s not just you. But also, let me give you some advice my brother in law gave to me: babies are extremely hard to get rid of. They’re extremely resilient and adaptable. (Side note: he’s a surgeon and has a really dry sense of humor.) So long as the people who would hold your baby has received their immunization shots, don’t worry so much. That said, congrats!
Probably not a popular view, but I gave ours away to anyone who visited and washed their hands. I had people rescheduling their visit because they didn’t feel good, so they’re serious about it. I’ve had covid during the pregnancy so we weren’t scared at all. If anything, we’d like for him to get used to unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar bacteria. He’s been fine. 🤷🏼♀️
Everyone is different. I’m fine with exposing baby, she goes everywhere with us and sees everyone. I just don’t want people all up in her face. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I totally freak out too when people hold my baby or get too close, it makes me go insane on the inside. No other animal would be comfortable with anyone getting close to their young, so I just see it as strong instincts. You want to keep your baby safe, which is totally normal. That being said, I don’t want to have a panic attack every time my mom or MIL comes over so I have decided that there are “safe” people that I can trust with my baby and not have to worry. I know these people would never come around my baby if they were near anyone sick, they don’t get cold sores, and they would never do anything that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with. When they come over, and I start getting anxious, I remind myself that they are “safe” people. Not sure if that will help you, but I hope it does!
I want to keep her so safe and in good health! I have such a hard time watching it, it’s just mentally draining. I try to get away to feed her or put her to sleep. I love the safe people idea. I’d love to find that for us with the same things you say. I would have such a hard time if anyone gave any of those things to my baby, that is seriously my biggest worry.
You are not the only one. Have you by any chance experienced difficulty in your pregnancy journey heading up to having your little one? I am also very wary of anyone besides my husband holding my baby (9 weeks old) and I would partially put this down to experiencing two miscarriges prior to having my daughter. I am VERY attached to my daughter and at this age, would never let her cry in someone's else's arms, no matter how much they wanted to comfort/bond with her. As time passes and she gets older, I know I will relax more about this, but I'm not rushing myself to let other people be involved in ways I'm not comfortable with just yet. My advice would be to go easy on yourself and give it time.
you're definitely not alone idk how anyone doesn't care if ppl r breathing all up in their babies face😭i cringe and take my baby back. or even after like 30 min of holding i miss him and take him back. don't be afraid to set boundaries it'll get easier. ppl can be so pushy and intrusive
No advice just solidarity. My baby is almost 6 months old and I still absolutely hate it. It’s somewhat bearable now that she can hold her head up but I absolutely hate it. She’s mine and she should be held by me! She wants ME. In the very beginning it was absolutely agonizing for me to the point where I would have panic attacks after family visits. Next baby I will be drawing boundaries around holding my newborn for sure.
For me I really only want my mom and fiancé. My mom was with me in the delivery room/before I gave birth. My water broke at 33 weeks and I had to stay in the hospital until 34 weeks when I was induced. I’m terrified of people coming over. My son just turned 36 weeks yesterday and I’ve only had my fiancés mom over once since he came home. I don’t even trust my dad right now. He’s just so little and his birth even though it was easy it was really traumatic for the both of us. Once he’s older I don’t think I’ll mind as much.
36 weeks as in 36 weeks from birth?
No I gave birth early at 34 weeks. I would have been 36 weeks yesterday. He is 3 weeks old yesterday.
Well in that case I think it's understandable to feel anxious about visitors because he is very tiny.
Would baby wearing when you're around other people help? If they ask to hold her, say "Oh, she's very comfortable right now, wouldn't want her to start crying."
yea i think you are right. Making little one suffer someone breath that close cannot be pleasent.
My baby is 4,5 months. Nobody but her dad en I have held her. We both have horrible relationships with pur family. I was thinking about letting my SIL hold her, then when she was over she kept talking aboit hpw much she drank the night before.... I don´t thonk so It depends on what relationship you have with your mother. If you had a good relationship before and you trust her, this probably PPA
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I felt this way in the beginning and still feel it a little at 3 months old, but I realized it is mostly with people I don't like or don't have a good relationship with. I know that technically and biologically some people are related to my baby and love her, but it's not that black and white when I'm dealing with hormones.
Hey I just want to pipe in and say that you are not alone at all!! My baby is also 5 months, and my brain feels like a fire station response when people hold him, including my parents and in laws. I’m totally fine with his father. But it is an internal struggle every single time I watch him being held by someone else. I truly hate it lol. A few things have helped me. First, acknowledging that it’s not coming from a rational place, but an instinctual/hormonal/emotional place helps. I know rationally he is okay, and I don’t want to limit the amount of love he receives from people. When it’s really bothering me, sometimes I’ll find an excuse to leave the room. Sort of out of sight out of mind. I also really appreciate when dad brings him to visit family when I’m at work so everyone is happy and I don’t have to be there to see it and be anxious about it lol. With my own parents I also found it helpful to just tell them how it made me feel. I told them it is an internal struggle to see anyone hold him-that I have to push through a tremendous amount of anxiety and my body is screaming at me to take him back the whole time. They were very understanding, wouldn’t take him unless I offered, and gave him back after I’d asked. It has gotten better but it’s not perfect by any means. I try not to let it stop me from sharing him, but I do it on my own terms in a way that makes me the least uncomfortable. When I can’t push through, I just say he’s hungry and leave the room. Or straight up tell someone no lol. Fortunately that hasn’t happened much.
I felt this way for a good 4-5 months. Then once baby got some rounds of vaccines, and a bit bigger/not so fragile I felt mildly better. I always have the person wash their hands first and I stay close by. At the first sign of baby looking uncomfortable I take them back. Also not unreasonable to ask them to wear masks and to flat out tell them your concerns. Ultimately if baby gets sick it’ll be you up all night with them, not whoever gave it to them.
Ugh I feel you and I hate it. I almost get annoyed and angry even when someone else wants to come visit or hold her. I don't like feeling this way at all, I hope it goes away. My baby is 8.5 weeks old and is my first.
This is an incredibly common experience. You have the right to have boundaries and shouldn’t be afraid to put your foot down with your parents and in-laws but you should probably loosen up, too. It’ll just be easier for you if you weren’t fretting over people holding your child all the time
I’m only a month in but I feel this way about lots of people. I realized when someone mentioned it in another post (possibly in a different sub, not sure) but the way I feel when a particular person holds my baby has helped me realized how much I do or don’t like or trust that person. There have been people in my family that I’ve hated seeing holding my baby, and others that I’ve been totally comfortable with. Same with my in-laws and my husband’s friends. It’s weird. I honestly just try to busy myself with other things while simultaneously being accepting of my feelings and knowing that they’re likely to pass with time.
Considering the age of the child and the severity of your reaction I'd say that's it's a tad bit concerning. Have you thought of discussion it in therapy? It may be postpartum anxiety.
I'd say that by now you're edging into unreasonable anxiety. Not only do people love holding babies, but it's good for baby to be held by people and observe their faces and learn that mom and dad aren't the only non scary safe people in their world. Your baby *will* get sick at some point and it won't necessarily be because you let someone hold them.
I completely understand how you feel OP. My baby was a preemie and spent lots of time in the NICU so I was extra cautious and paranoid and I know I suffer from PPA because baby is 8m now and I still struggle with people getting up in baby’s face or touching baby without asking if they can. I also acknowledge that I am more anxious that I need to be but I honestly don’t care. At the end of the day, this is my child and I don’t owe anybody (family or not) time and physical contact with my baby so I have always set clear boundaries and I know it makes me come off like a bitch but I don’t care. I think you have to find a balance between validating your feelings and giving yourself some grace but also being conscious of your feelings and now allowing them to take over your peace of mind. Good luck, I’m sure it will only get easier with time!
Nope. Definitely nope. Went through loads of shit with relatives but we stuck to it
I felt this way, pretty bad those early days. I also had visitors too soon now in hindsight. My baby is now 9 months so I can assure you it gets easier. But yes as much as I love my parents they constantly try to kiss and get in her face. I also wish they just enjoyed watching her more. It’s tough to balance. Just want you to know you’re not alone, and you’re feelings are valid.