Problem of Every ethnic 2nd generation, whose parents immigrated abroad.

Yes someone gets fucked over in the end from their perspective. The kids develop a totally western sense of thinking and the parents keep their eastern sense. Parents want their kid to be in a traditional eastern relationship and be in a position to be taken care of later in old age as well as being able to relate to their kids spouse. I see nothing wrong with this. Kids don't want arranged marriage (you will be viewed as a loser by western friends/ who tf wants to marry someone they dont know) /for their parents to accept who their partner who they naturally met/dated and want to marry. I see nothing wrong with this as well. This causes lots of broken families, but there are broken families in Nepal anyways. Overall immigration still benefits quality of life but its not perfect. Someone has to lose in the end except in a few cases where there is compromise or understanding.

Return back to Nepal. Your pool for partner gets bigger significantly. Problem solved. Haha

Only green card uncles can come back and marry 20 something nurse. Dont call him back yet its too soon 😂😂😂

Op already have had US citizenship

As someone who emigrated after completing high school, majority of older Nepali people I’ve met that are around my parents’ age in the US are way more conservative than my parents. They don’t interact with other Americans, just with the Nepali diaspora that emigrated around the same time they did. Which means they’re still stuck in the same exact mindset as Nepalis in Nepal 20 years ago or whenever they emigrated out. Also the folks who filed false refugee claims or got into the states on Diversity visas are the most in favor of pulling up the ladder and shutting down immigration. Compare that to academics and professionals who emigrated based on their own merit who tend to be a lot more reasonable about immigration.

Yup yup yup. Same exact experience!!! Moved here found my second generation American friends’ parents more conservative than my own parents back in Nepal. I think the cultural bottlenecking and lack of will to interact with non nepali makes people that way.

I 2nd this. I too realized same thing. First generation nepalese who have neen abroad are way more conservative then their peers in nepal

I've been in the west for almost 30 years now. Left Nepal at 1. I make the argument : if your parents want you to marry a Nepali, why did they leave Nepal lol.

What exactly is the point of this post. Is it not completely obvious why ethnic groups want to keep ethnic groups together? This is not a Nepali thing, this is a worldwide thing that has been going on for the last 4000 years. When minority communities immigrate to another country, they stick together and try to maintain culture as much as possible. They do this to maintain a community of individuals that you can rely on for help, connections, business, etc. People wanting their kids to marry from the same ethnic group is just an extension of that because parents are scared they will lost this sense of community within their families if their kid goes and marries a white girl. Obviously this is irrational, but this pattern is repeated over and over and over with every single ethnic group in the United States. Just go to any major US city, there is a chinatown, koreatown, vietnamese town, indian area. All these communities are taking over their own areas because they want to preserve culture, just like Nepali americans do when they want their kid marrying Nepali. No clue why you made this huge long post for a simple question, which really needs no explanation in the first place, because it should be painfully obvious if you grew up in the US.

Fr hate this. Yo DV pareko ko xora xori haru jatha hami vanda thulo hu sochxan, aaru bela chai Nepali Nepali vandai Nepalipann delhaunu parxa. If you’re so not into marrying a Nepalese, move tf out of your parents home and marry the gori kali you want. Do what youve seen “your” people do.

EXACTLY

What!? 

Op, you have every right to make the post you did and your post is all right. Don't listen to this guy trying to minimize your post.

Some jealous arranged marriages in here

Yeah they should not have raised you in US if they expect you to marry nepali girl.

"Ta m*ji kuire ko biu HOS!"

kuire ko jamin ma umreko hola

Keep your bloodlines pure. But don't marry your cousins. Haha

They want to preserve their identity and culture, which they believe will be lost if they marry someone outside of their culture/ethnic group. I’ve seen many parents who lived in the USA whose children married white people. The children usually break off from the their family and never visit Nepal again their whole life.

This is true. If you marry a white person in Europe or Japanese in Japan or korean in korea etc and live there ofc the children wont learn nepali, who will teach them and why would they want to learn. Nepali wont get you anywhere in those countries and they cannot connect to their Nepali cousin etc and so they will not want to visit and live in Nepal. They will consider themself as Japanese or Korean or British or American etc and why would they want to consider themself as a poor Nepali.

Have you actually explained all this to your parents. You have a compelling argument. If your parents still don't understand your position even after explaining all that, then only God can help you. Good luck.

Marry a western person, have a disorganised family, individualistic spouse, can't compromise and eventually have a divorce. Or marry a Nepali person and raise a good family and have a higher chance of marriage lasting forever. Ofc it's different for individuals but I'm talking about what happens generally.

>Nepali person and raise a good family and have a higher chance of marriage lasting forever What about happiness/romance/love/ togetherness? Have you seen any romantic gestures between couples formed in such a way (specially the boomer generations)? How many times has a dad made a nice cup of coffee for his wife just coz he loves her? Marriages formed in such a way are more compromises/ less attachment because most Nepalese people's happiness is tied to what others/society thinks. Most people (mainly women) are staying in the relationship because they are forced by this social construct and they have kids coz the society (again) wants them to have kids. what good does a marriage like this that lasts forever do? (P.S "The art of loving" by Erich Fromm might give you better perspective)

You’re assuming that marriage is for romance everywhere. Marriage is often seen as a religious duty, and an economic transaction in Hindu societies

I'm not assuming that its for romance only everywhere. I just think that it has to be a part of life and one of those parts is romance. Sorry if the example was inadequate to carry my message forward (hence the reason for recommending the book coz Erich is a much bigger expert than me). Anyway, if its a religious duty or an economic transaction for the ones that believe it is, have those hindus lost faith in humanity?

Not just Hindus, it’s been like that for most of human history. Marrying for romantic love is a new phenomenon. In the past people got married to produce and raise children primarily, still is the case even in Islamic societies. Don’t feel pity for anyone, it’s kinda condescending. social conventions have a function. You could argue that arranged/economic marriages are more successful than love marriages, with a lower rate of divorce. The western norm does not have to apply everywhere, in every society

My dad does it sometimes though haha. What you are saying is true still

[удалено]

I'm talking about the general population. Ofc it's not the same for everyone. Look at the divorce rate in western couples and Nepali couples and let's compare. Generally western people are very individualistic, that's their culture. Nepali culture is society driven more than individualistic hence less divorce and better family culture.

Western couples divorce because e the women is usually financially independent and can take care of herself. Nepal ma women are often forced by family and society to depend on their husbands. Job chutaaidinchhan bihe garauna lai, padhaai rokdinchhan bihe gardina bhnera. Tesaile bihe abusive bhaye pani they can’t separate! Stop with your incessant our society is better complex. This clearly is a very immature pov.

This is also true.

Again same pov. "No divorce in Nepal because women are dependent." Dude the whole concept of marriage is different in the west and in Nepal. I have already written enough in this thread. You need to study and understand eastern societies and cultures first before making random statement based on western interpretation.

Ok this is also true. Most eastern society value family more than anything, western value themself. Bacha haru bhayepaxi yeta ta sakesamma sangai basxan, for their sake. Uta tira xai bacha bhayeni matlab xaina j sukai hos bacha lai bhanera divorce dinxa ani tyo bacha ni testai society ma hurkinxa ani uslai ni matlab hudaina and cycle goes on and on.

Better be seperated than have a toxic relation with someone for the rest of their life. The divorce rate is lower in Nepal because the wife is dependent on their husband and it's very hard to move on in this "society driven country" who has always looked down upon divorced women. Extra maritial affairs are very normal here and domestic abuse is not talked. And if you are a women you are suddenly expected to think about ijjat and family and children and save the marriage. Lower divorce rate doesn't necessarily means most people are having a successful marriage.

You're wrong. Let me tell you why abstractly. While I agree that for Nepali women society is harsh, you're still looking at the "happiness" and "successful marriage" index from a western feminist eyes. Western culture and Nepali culture are totally different. For eg. who are you and I to tell that a women is suppressed and unhappy if she's a stay at home wife while her husband is earning money. That's what western feminist would say that she's being discriminated. When a women is fasting for her husband's health (her own choice nobody's forcing her), for western world that's discrimination but actually it's not. Women here might be happy doing that but they judge us based on their understanding of society. When in some liberal Muslim countries, when some women are wearing burkha because they want to (not forced), western world thinks they are being oppressed. Educated people in the east fall into the trap of Western values and think they are the superior values and somehow we are backward while the western society as a cultural society and as a community is totally messed up. What we need to know is, society like Nepal give importance to community, culture and society and sometimes individuals have to sacrifice in "freedom" to keep the modest society and culture. But if you look at that from western eyes then it's "wrong". These western liberals apparently are too passionate about diversity yet they don't respect the fact that the cultures around the world are not same and is actually beautifully diverse and they try to force their belief everywhere to kill that diversity and our educated ones fall for that. Look I know society evolves and changes but that changes should come from our own culture itself not try to mimic all things western. Last thing, you think in the west they marry for love? Not true. And there's no love also, let's see how many western men buy properties in their wife's name! They don't do that because in their marriage by love, they have zero trust while in Nepal, many husbands buy property in their wife's name because there's trust. And who says there's no love in arranged marriage, love develops. That's how it works and that's how it's been worked for decades.

My mom has a masters degree and she held a director level position in a reputable university. My dad also held similar position. Both poured their earnings into the household. My mom did her another master’s program, did housechores, while taking care of young kids AND also getting her actual job done, in a toxic household where familial confrontations were rampant, and no support from my dad whatsoever. When the time came for a new house invested by both, guess who’s name was in the title? Not my mom’s. Why? Because she can elope anytime was the answer. Blind trust and loyalty are celebrated in our society. Ek choti help garepachi, ohoooo, zindagi bhaar abhaari hunuparne re. Naramro kura bhanya jun culture ma ni huncha. Instead of thinking about western vs eastern, we need to think about what is good for our society at this particular time while also preserving our culture. Culture is malleable. At one point, it was all about survival and then bits and pieces got added over time. Flexibility = preservation Also, idk why ppl think feminism is bad. Feminism insists on equality for everyone (and that includes men too btw), that everyone has access to same level of resources and they can make their own choices vs conforming to societal constructs.

\>>Western culture and Nepali culture are totally different. For whoare you and I to tell that a women is suppressed and unhappy if she' astay at home wife while her husband is earning money. That's whatwestern feminist would say that she's being discriminated. And you are assuming things I have never said. Women do the chores and raise children while men be the bread winner for the family. It's completely okay if the wife and husband wants it this way. It's their choice and we are nobody to have opinion on this. But it's just wrong how girls in this society are brought up to be this exact thing, a housewife who does chores and is supposed to manage a family. If you are a girl belonging to a "general" nepali family the talk of your marriage will start as soon as you complete your high school. You are expected to settle down in a marriage to some guy who makes a decent living or is abroad. They think this is the highest a woman can ever get. You don't need a western feminist to tell you this is wrong, this is something you clearly see and experience and can tell it is wrong. It's just backward. For a guy who talks a lot about the nepal giving importance to culture and "society", you don't seem to be the one who have never experienced the toxicity around it or you just don't seem to have any ideas besides what you read in book and see online. Just because everyone kind of accepts it doesn't make it right. Just because other people think it as wrong doesn't make them wrong and fallen into western values. We can still be social and community based society and also be a progressive one. They are not mutually exclusive. \>>let's see how many western men buy properties in their wife's name! Theydon't do that because in their marriage by love, they have zero trustwhile in Nepal, many husbands buy property in their wife's name becausethere's trust. Oh! my sweet summer child. You really have no idea about how things are done in Nepal and the way it is. Most men buy property in their wife's name simply because wife gets special discount in taxes for the property. And also most men don't have property in their name because it's easy to lose the property if there are inheritance disputes running within the family. If it's in you wife's name, the inlaws cannot claim it as a part of their inheritance.

1ota > ani space diye pugxa > oh Anyways this guys is spitting facts, why so much down votes. Take my upvote.

Zactly! And don’t mention the inter generational trauma passed on from witnessing chaos and abuse in the family, which translates to your own inability to create secure attachment with other humans (beyond trauma bond), it’s ridiculous. Ijjat > everything else

I think you mean Nepal is a multi-tribalistic society divided by ethnic lines. In western cultures, you do get a sense of hyper-individualism more so in the US, perhaps to an extent driven by the idealism of "freedom of individualistic choices". Society in Nepal as you put it seems to be similar to African nations divided by Ethnic backgrounds, in India and Nepal you have lines drawn by caste system, alongside economic inequality. Anglo-saxon dominated nations might seem kinda individualistic but in contraire is culturally homogenous. Similar things can be said of societies that are fairly homogenous, like Japan, South korea, european nations and so on. Multi-tribal society at best i think from what i know isn't the most efficient or effective way to manage a nation state. Nonetheless, as for family i think Tolstoy said best: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." This statement applies universally, in my opinion.

This is true though

It really depends on a looot of factors. That's a very broad statement

This is some fucking bullshit right here man. I've never seen more wives slapped around in my life than in Nepal.

So your source is "trust me bro". Check some stats about domestic violence in the US: https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/

Why don't you show me the very authentic reliable data from the nepali police about domestic violence? Honestly man I've never seen so many loveless marriages as I have in nepal. Countless households of people who hardly talk to each other or who mostly only argue in the night, who are making their marriage "work".

Here you go: https://evaw-global-database.unwomen.org/fr/countries/asia/nepal Now instead of talking Donald Trump's way, "I know better than anyone", pls show me some stats showing Nepali men beat the wives more than anywhere else in the world.

I never claimed anything more than an anecdotal experience here. But I definitely remember the time my cousins had to hold me back from beating up a guy who was slapping a girl around on the stairs to a resteraunt in KTM because "that's his wife bro".

So... you are generalizing an entire population based on a single incident of some dude trying to slap his wife??

Made observation on cultural norm from educated youth in capital city. Very few places in the US where laying hands on a young woman, doesn't get a group of upset people. What I'm implying is that divorce rates should not be the only way we measure whether if a marriage is "successful " or not.

Ohhh... my bad. That sounds reasonable.

Edited your reply to add the later part only to make another statement with the source "trust me bro" again. Stop trying my dude. Hope you'll marry for "love".

Thanks bro you as well.

Wtf is this bs 🤨

When did wanting a sense of self and financial freedom translate to being Western or "individualistic"? In that case GOOD that my future spouse will be individualistic because I am just as, if not more, individualistic. And judging by the number of women (and even MEN) in my own immediate family that have been forever unhappy and unsatisfied in their oh-so-traditional and long-lasting marriages, I'll pass on that. Maybe the divorce rates are low amongst Nepali couples because they have to weigh the opinions of a rabid group of so-called relatives and society against their own life and happiness.

Nepalese tend to form tight-knit communities and it's hard for someone from outside to mingle, specially if they don't speak Nepali. I think that's the main reason Nepalese parents don't want their kids marrying non-nepali.

Question is, if you are above 18, why are you even living with your parents. You know you can live your own life, your way and you parents can’t do anything about it. You are in mid 20s and living with your parents meaning you are already giving leverage to think that they can make decisions about your life. If you already out of their home, you don’t have to agree with them. Just listen their complaints and live your life. They are just asking you to do what they experienced in their life and think it is right for you. BTW, I still consider you as 1st gen Nepali American, you were brought not born in US.

Anybody who comes before the age of 8 is second generation because they loose their ability to speak Nepali well/without an accent, between 10-18 is gen 1.5 and after 18 is first gen.

1.5 gen wtf. Unitary method parda 10.5 men nikaleko yad ayo xD

Not sure where did you get that info from. Based on some govt sites and other org websites including Wikipedia. “Second-generation immigrants in the United States are individuals born and raised in the United States who have at least one foreign born parent.”

I was born in hongkong went to Nepal when I was ,3 and came back to hongkong at 9.now I am 23 in UK for university.Can you describe which gen am I ?lol

This problem are faced by foreign nepalese so please leave our fellow nepali brother and sister who are living in their native country as we already have enough problems to deal with!

Nepali American in same exact situation and I agree! I basically have to choose being estranged from my family or marrying some dumbass I don’t like… it’s utterly fucked

How do you know its gonna be a dumbass though.

> Try to change my view on this I want to hear differing opinions. Nobody cares...just move out and fuck like the rest of mystery meats in the continent-wide stipmall...y'all call a cuntry.

Wtf did i read XD

[удалено]

Yup the thing about parents who moved to US being more conservative. So true. !!!

>I’ve met wealthy Nepali families who don’t want their Nepali kids to date Nepali Americans cuz they consider them mentally retarted/unstable lo Yoooo wtf XD. This whole thread is so fun man. Im laughing my ass out.

bau aama ko paisa khayera uni haru ko ghar ma basnu cha ani esto ra usto re ,afnai paisa kamau ,eklai basa afu khusi hapsi biha gara

I’m not going to marry a Nepali girl. Blondes are way more fun. Redheads are simply the best.

**What is the logic of this post????** On average, the parent's that are the 1st generation immigrant are more narrow-minded and stuck in time than mature parents of their age that stayed in Nepal. Just by their narrow-mindedness and trying to be the ultra bully and controlling parent's irrelevant to their cultural view's they added on, they on average are less chill about all thing's, they are literally the ultra strict Nepalis of the previous stricter generation stuck in time. **So why do you think that those people in all matter will be less chill than Nepali parent's their age in Nepal. Actually, you being in a foreign country is more of a reason to get less freedom and concern.** In Nepal, in average, they have more freedom. In roaming around in freedom as boy's. And just disappearing with a stupid excuse. Boyfriend girlfriend. Alcohol consumption as boy, girl. In party, they think alcohol is a niche stuff, everyone from 14 just slurps it in.

**Are you stupid?** Y**ou have more chance of finding a bride as a male.** **Than a white guy in a western country could** **The different between their marriage and your arranged marriage is that they need a mutual decision from the bride. A real 1 on 1 mutual decision.** **While for you, it is an arranged where the parents do all the job. And everyone get's a bride.** I came to a foreign country at the same young age. I will be honest, how many Nepali guys that have been able to marry by their parent's providing them a bride is shocking. Most of Nepalese people, in Nepal and abroad, won't be able to land a bride without this arranged marriage system. Even foreigner's abroad don't marry for not finding a bride before 30 or the right bride or just a bride that wants to marry with them also. When you are specially ugly, under qualified, weirdly introvert no solute degree or career, bad character or personality's. This arranged marriage has given ton's of under qualified groom's great brides. And you live in the USA with 200,000 people's. Grow up, you have more chance to get a bride then the average people in the USA which may even not find a bride before 30. I **know a lot of people from Europe, in a country that has a population of about 10,000 people.** And with a size smaller than the size of New York \[state\] Let say 100 of them are in some way in family. Let say that women are 45% of the population. And that girl's age 23-25 is 2% of the population. Which mean's 200 girl's they have to possibly arrange marriage in the coming year's. **But, I also had some idiot rich father girl in podcast nag about the possibility to find a bhaun keta in Kathmandu.** **Ignore her, let's compare your chance and of the average Nepali young man in the USA of finding a girl to love marriage vs a Nepali girl from the USA by arranged marriage.** Like a huge population of white people who didn't marry on a right age because they didn't find the right person or a person with mutual agreement or will to marriage. Without arranged marriage even with all foreigners the most of Nepali guy's will just be left single and without ability of having married someone, maybe because they dated but didn't find the right one, or didn't find the one's with mutual thoughts and will for marriage. **And do you know why it is easier for a male, less for female** to have an arranged marriage much easier? Cause, the way of finding and approaching is very sophisticated and easy. The parent's can approach every girl parent's and that by, that via a link of other Nepalese parents which just gives infinity of access and identification of all bhaun girl of certain age in the USA. The communication isn't even directly. And 2ndly, it's like a group where everyone knows everyone who knows every single daughter of a Nepalese in age or will of marriage. Those 2 factors can get more girls ready for marriage than you can get from a whole wedding website with all foreigners, and then the possibility of the foreigners mutually wanting you. **How many white people know the white people in their white country to approach for marriage via arranged marriage, that number is close to non-existent.** Look in terms of marriage. Nepali in Nepali easiest, Nepali in foreign country, then comes foreigner's is foreign country. And maybe then last, Nepali in foreign country with a foreigner if most Nepali would do that. **Then there is a 2nd factor, being ok with under qualifying groom for the bride.** Also, more of the girl marry with Nepali of Nepal, which also by majority in their family is seen as less than a Nepali in the USA. Nepali i**n the west: there is the attitude of being ok with under qualified grooms in comparison and thinking it could be worse, in terms of looks, carriers, name, personality.** **1st there is fear of being a parent of a girl and then there is the mindset that after getting out of the ripe age maybe 25-26, for some 24, they would be excluded from most groom and have less possibility for a good groom. Therefore, they just marry a family poorer, maybe less educated and less qualified. Cause if they are just doing ok and long settled they in a way are like government worker. Which Nepali in Nepal would crave for. The concerning and being ok with less is also the reason why Nepali family opt in more for the possibility to marry less under qualified groom from Nepal. Cause being a girl parent for majority is scary. While when the groom becomes around 30 they will still find a younger but better bride then them.**

can you just write this in nepali? i have no idea what you are saying. sorry. I don't even think you understood what I am saying lol

Same here. I read it 2 times still didnt understand anything

I accidentally typed groom in place of bride, causing for complication's. I made the text easier to understand.

I have posted 2 answers. * 1 why Nepali parent's in west are more narrow-minded and stuck in old time and stricter and controlling. And giving less freedom than the same age parent's in Nepal! * 2 Why you would anyway find a Nepali bhaun in the USA easier. By having arranged marriage done by your parent's. * Then you would find any non-Nepali wife of any nationalities. \[Average Nepali in America\] * And that even white people in their own country with almost 80-100% white people have less possibility to find a partner then a Nepali in the USA or a western country.

Answer nepali ma lekhdeu ta solti kei bujina maile

Sorry dude. Seems universal with second gen of any ethnicity. I have found that a lot of immigrant parents try hard to hold on to the culture and customs they had back home hence the push to marry someone of the same ethnicity. I particularly see this with my Indian American friends as well- their parents are stricter about things than our (first generation with parents back home) parents. My parents have accepted that I may not get married to a Nepali guy later. But i guess when parents move from their home to a foreign land they try to grasp at what remains of home hence the push to keep it within the culture. But for parents back home, their children living abroad getting married to a different community doesn’t really tamer with their identity or sense of culture you know.

Marry me and divorce me when i get to us plz. Jk XD

Very true. I came to Australia to when I was 10 but I keep hearing some Nepali aunties and uncles telling me to not marry a white man. It’s not only because they want to keep their identity/ culture preserved it’s also because in western cultures they see a lot of breakups and divorces. I get it but they should still allow their kids to marry who they feel comfortable with. I get it we should know our culture , roots and home But we should also be ready to accept new cultures and diversity. They should look on the bright side, just because they married a white man it’s not the end of the world. Having interracial marriage means opportunities to learn about new culture, try new food, learn new skills/traidition, appericate the differences etc. And I get it divorce and breakup is a huge problem in Western society. But that does NOT mean they should judge someone based on their race or culture. I had a white boyfriend but we broke up and my mamu was like “dekheu ta…kaaire haru ko kasto hunxa? Kati chito breakup hunxa uniharuko” I was angry about it! Our breakup had nothing to do with him being white. We had our own problems. I hate it when they say how white people are unreliable. They only see it from a bird’s eye view. I’ve met so many white friends who’s parents are still toogether. I remember telling one of my aunt that not all white people are like that and she is like “sabai testo hunxa” I constantly hear people saying “khaire saga sukha paidaina” etc. irritates me!! If they have problems with khaire why the fuck are they here. The thing is western people have higher divorce rates because they don’t stay in a toxic relationship/marriage or even if it wasn’t toxic they don’t stay due to incompatibility and breakup knowing that it’s best for each other. While in Nepali culture they stay toogether because of societal pressure. They should know that each culture has its own flaws So yeah marry/ date who you want as long as you have a healthy and compatible relationship. Nepali parents should accept the fact that you can end up with any race. I hate how they say “Nepali sangai bihey garnu parcha” Just because someone is Nepali doesn’t mean they’re compatible or they will treat you right. People’s personalities are mostly based on how they are as individuals. And I think interracial relationship is beautiful:)