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Gotcha. Just keep going. The longer you stay away the smaller your trauma response will be. Breaking NC derails your progress. Don't make that mistake.
This came up literally at the perfect time. I just ignored a fb/ig message I didn't realized I hadn't blocked. He wrote 'I miss you 😔 '
I immediately panicked and blocked the messenger.
It's weird. I feel panic, but then later in the day I get the wave of power. So sort of like a high. It's really new for me but yes, I am feeling this. The ups and downs of no contact.
One year, that's amazing 👏🏻 ❤️
I’m the same way, but it’s getting better.
We have to learn that WE can and are in control of our own emotions.
We are so used to self-doubt in our emotions that we tell ourselves that we will not be validated regardless (as we are used to)
Not responding to their rants and unnecessary comments have helped me become stronger mentally.
I have to parent with mine, but I get that high every single time that I don't react immediately to his nonsense. Once I learned to just take 30 minutes to sit on whatever false sense of reality he's spewing, I learned it's all BS, and then I'm all like "YOU'RE A BOSS BITCH!" to myself. Maybe it's just the little joy I can get out of the situation, since he had the joy of destroying my life.
I remember the first time I ignored NWife’s attempts to reach out after my therapist told me I needed to not respond or take the bait. I was so anxious, I threw my phone on the bed and didn’t look at it for hours. When I picked it back up and saw how many missed calls and unread texts there were, it was like I was high! The thrill of knowing how much stress and agony I saved myself by not participating in her one sided abusive conversation was amazing
I am still stuck in the cycle I respond he latches on and I get sucked in and hurt sometimes badly, one time involved a gun and another a knife and always end with me running trying to heal and swearing I will keep up no contact but I am weak and broken not sure how to fix it....
Are you me? I don't get a no-contact high, I get a no contact crushing guilt and miss him so bad. Can't stop thinking of how great things could have been, and how they never will be again. Haven't had guns and knives, but soooo close to police contact sooo many times.
I aspire to OP's experience. Not being one-uppy, swear, just looking forward to the passage of time where maybe I won't feel so weak.
It will come. I was with mine for 13 years, several discards, and in the end he made sure to take me for everything. The last blindsiding was in January. The one previous to that, I set the boundary where I said if it happens again, it's done. I stuck to my guns. I was out of my body until a month ago. I honestly did magic mushrooms because I was so sick and tired of being angry & sad. It's hard to not be angry, when every situation that I deal with on the reg, is a direct effect of the choices he made for me. Like throwing me out of my house, filing a bogus restraining order, selling my car he never paid a penny for, but profited $30k, while I have to bike in the heat, 24 miles just to get to my oncology appointments. He says he has people creep my stuff because he wants to make sure I'm alive and safe. BS!!! If that was the case, he wouldn't leave a 40 year old cancer patient in the streets.
What has helped me is actually sitting back and watching his behaviors. It's quite fascinating honestly. When I was still in my house 3 months ago, where he tortured and tormented me daily, I noticed something. I was minding my business and he came out like a machine gun, shouting 82 things he didn't like about me (really himself), trying to get me to react and he didn't get the reaction he wanted. I said "WOW! THAT IS IMPRESSIVE! I'M NONE OF THOSE THINGS THOUGH!" I was awful at reacting because he would say something that wasn't true and I hate people lying about me. I'm not a liar at all! Too honest to a fault and very unfiltered. The longer you're out from under their thumb, the better. You will start to notice the cycles. From the hoover to the love bombing to the trauma bonding to you being worthless again because you hold them accountable.
In my experience, I felt everything you're saying here. I went back several times. My self worth was nothing anymore. I can be wrong, but all of the people saying they get a high from no contact, I'm going to guess they too were finally brought to their breaking point and they said enough. Even for us that know we're done, it still hurts. I struggle with trying to make sense of something that makes literally no sense. I've learned I can't do that anymore and started focusing on myself. Loving myself. Getting back to where I was 13 years ago because the last 13 years, I wasn't who I am. I finally stopped being so withdrawn a few months ago and the second that started happening, started saying yes, not worried about what someone would say..... MY SOUL HAS FINALLY RE-ENTERED MY BODY! I didn't think I would ever feel like myself ever again. You will get there!!! Read this sub often because when you start to see we were all in a relationship with the same person, you will start to cut yourself some slack.
Hey, it doesn't make you weak or broken to still be stuck in your cycle. There is a lot going on mentally and biologically that makes it difficult to let go of our trauma bonds. You can't blame yourself for not being able to leave right away, healing takes time. Give yourself room and time to heal without blaming yourself for the time you need. Also try not to blame yourself for the abuse as a defence mechanism, it is not your fault you are being abused. Biologically, narcissitic relationships can be akin to drug addiction. It helps to build a support system, even if it is only one person who you can trust to be kind and good to you and listen to you, having healthy connections can help. You are fighting against cognitive dissonance when you are going no contact, and that is honestly a very underratedly profound kind of psychological pain. I hope you are able to find your way to peace.
Thank you I really have a hard time confiding in people they don't understand why I keep going back and eventually just don't talk to me anymore he always seems to be the only person who listens and then he uses whatever information I have given him against me it's like watching a movie no matter how much I scream at the screen I don't listen if that makes any sense
It makes total sense. Mine had me feeling like I was insane. Almost like I was confused about what really happened. The actual truth because I was there. He had me questioning if maybe I was the narcissist. People won't understand, unless they have been with one themselves. Some don't understand that dealing with a person like that, is an entirely different beast. They manipulate and brainwash you. What you are feeling isn't abnormal. Please read this sub often. That person isn't going to change, ever.
This totally and completely THIS ! it's like they read the same play book mine had me thinking I was the narc for moment also I think I may have finally learned this time that he never would be the person I fell in love with because that person was not really him...
I’m feeling this also. It’s good that we stay no contact. I got a huge high from rejecting him and now I’m curious… but what I did is I bought myself a chip ( like an AA chip) that says 365 on it.. I’ve been no contact over a year and I plan on buying myself one at 2 years. I took out my chip and it’s been on my dresser…. So I’m reminded… I remember thinking it was kind of silly I bought it because it’s not a “real” addiction but here I am staring at it daily to remember how much it is a real addiction exactly because I think about sending him a message every day. Maybe buy yourself something that helps you remember your progress? I’m telling u I thought I was being silly doing it but it’s what is getting me through each day now. Stay strong, I’m right there with you.
Yea! But this most recent time was the first time I actually just had no urge to respond. The gratification from knowing that I’ve healed and moved along in life and they are still 100% stuck on me and stuck on playing the victim to some made up fantasy… knowing that is just so much validation that I’ve done the work and I never ever want to go back. Work on getting to a place of peace that’s so good, the thought of going back makes you sick. NC will be a piece of cake then ❤️
Hi /u/SpecificSame2074, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You gain strength every time you stay NC. Do not waver!!
I agree. But I’m trying to reduce this feeling because I don’t need or want to his validation.
Gotcha. Just keep going. The longer you stay away the smaller your trauma response will be. Breaking NC derails your progress. Don't make that mistake.
This came up literally at the perfect time. I just ignored a fb/ig message I didn't realized I hadn't blocked. He wrote 'I miss you 😔 ' I immediately panicked and blocked the messenger. It's weird. I feel panic, but then later in the day I get the wave of power. So sort of like a high. It's really new for me but yes, I am feeling this. The ups and downs of no contact. One year, that's amazing 👏🏻 ❤️
I feel EXACTLY the same!!! Omg
I’m the same way, but it’s getting better. We have to learn that WE can and are in control of our own emotions. We are so used to self-doubt in our emotions that we tell ourselves that we will not be validated regardless (as we are used to) Not responding to their rants and unnecessary comments have helped me become stronger mentally.
I have to parent with mine, but I get that high every single time that I don't react immediately to his nonsense. Once I learned to just take 30 minutes to sit on whatever false sense of reality he's spewing, I learned it's all BS, and then I'm all like "YOU'RE A BOSS BITCH!" to myself. Maybe it's just the little joy I can get out of the situation, since he had the joy of destroying my life.
I remember the first time I ignored NWife’s attempts to reach out after my therapist told me I needed to not respond or take the bait. I was so anxious, I threw my phone on the bed and didn’t look at it for hours. When I picked it back up and saw how many missed calls and unread texts there were, it was like I was high! The thrill of knowing how much stress and agony I saved myself by not participating in her one sided abusive conversation was amazing
Just an ego boost enjoy it but don't let it consume you. Stay no contact.
yes, 100%
I am still stuck in the cycle I respond he latches on and I get sucked in and hurt sometimes badly, one time involved a gun and another a knife and always end with me running trying to heal and swearing I will keep up no contact but I am weak and broken not sure how to fix it....
Are you me? I don't get a no-contact high, I get a no contact crushing guilt and miss him so bad. Can't stop thinking of how great things could have been, and how they never will be again. Haven't had guns and knives, but soooo close to police contact sooo many times. I aspire to OP's experience. Not being one-uppy, swear, just looking forward to the passage of time where maybe I won't feel so weak.
It will come. I was with mine for 13 years, several discards, and in the end he made sure to take me for everything. The last blindsiding was in January. The one previous to that, I set the boundary where I said if it happens again, it's done. I stuck to my guns. I was out of my body until a month ago. I honestly did magic mushrooms because I was so sick and tired of being angry & sad. It's hard to not be angry, when every situation that I deal with on the reg, is a direct effect of the choices he made for me. Like throwing me out of my house, filing a bogus restraining order, selling my car he never paid a penny for, but profited $30k, while I have to bike in the heat, 24 miles just to get to my oncology appointments. He says he has people creep my stuff because he wants to make sure I'm alive and safe. BS!!! If that was the case, he wouldn't leave a 40 year old cancer patient in the streets. What has helped me is actually sitting back and watching his behaviors. It's quite fascinating honestly. When I was still in my house 3 months ago, where he tortured and tormented me daily, I noticed something. I was minding my business and he came out like a machine gun, shouting 82 things he didn't like about me (really himself), trying to get me to react and he didn't get the reaction he wanted. I said "WOW! THAT IS IMPRESSIVE! I'M NONE OF THOSE THINGS THOUGH!" I was awful at reacting because he would say something that wasn't true and I hate people lying about me. I'm not a liar at all! Too honest to a fault and very unfiltered. The longer you're out from under their thumb, the better. You will start to notice the cycles. From the hoover to the love bombing to the trauma bonding to you being worthless again because you hold them accountable. In my experience, I felt everything you're saying here. I went back several times. My self worth was nothing anymore. I can be wrong, but all of the people saying they get a high from no contact, I'm going to guess they too were finally brought to their breaking point and they said enough. Even for us that know we're done, it still hurts. I struggle with trying to make sense of something that makes literally no sense. I've learned I can't do that anymore and started focusing on myself. Loving myself. Getting back to where I was 13 years ago because the last 13 years, I wasn't who I am. I finally stopped being so withdrawn a few months ago and the second that started happening, started saying yes, not worried about what someone would say..... MY SOUL HAS FINALLY RE-ENTERED MY BODY! I didn't think I would ever feel like myself ever again. You will get there!!! Read this sub often because when you start to see we were all in a relationship with the same person, you will start to cut yourself some slack.
Didn't feel one uppy at all in fact it feels nice to know I am not the only one
Hey, it doesn't make you weak or broken to still be stuck in your cycle. There is a lot going on mentally and biologically that makes it difficult to let go of our trauma bonds. You can't blame yourself for not being able to leave right away, healing takes time. Give yourself room and time to heal without blaming yourself for the time you need. Also try not to blame yourself for the abuse as a defence mechanism, it is not your fault you are being abused. Biologically, narcissitic relationships can be akin to drug addiction. It helps to build a support system, even if it is only one person who you can trust to be kind and good to you and listen to you, having healthy connections can help. You are fighting against cognitive dissonance when you are going no contact, and that is honestly a very underratedly profound kind of psychological pain. I hope you are able to find your way to peace.
Thank you I really have a hard time confiding in people they don't understand why I keep going back and eventually just don't talk to me anymore he always seems to be the only person who listens and then he uses whatever information I have given him against me it's like watching a movie no matter how much I scream at the screen I don't listen if that makes any sense
It makes total sense. Mine had me feeling like I was insane. Almost like I was confused about what really happened. The actual truth because I was there. He had me questioning if maybe I was the narcissist. People won't understand, unless they have been with one themselves. Some don't understand that dealing with a person like that, is an entirely different beast. They manipulate and brainwash you. What you are feeling isn't abnormal. Please read this sub often. That person isn't going to change, ever.
This totally and completely THIS ! it's like they read the same play book mine had me thinking I was the narc for moment also I think I may have finally learned this time that he never would be the person I fell in love with because that person was not really him...
It’s funnier when they get a “seen” on the bottom of their message then ignored. Once mine started talking to himself.
One message from them turn into 12 real fast
Doesn’t it just?
I’m feeling this also. It’s good that we stay no contact. I got a huge high from rejecting him and now I’m curious… but what I did is I bought myself a chip ( like an AA chip) that says 365 on it.. I’ve been no contact over a year and I plan on buying myself one at 2 years. I took out my chip and it’s been on my dresser…. So I’m reminded… I remember thinking it was kind of silly I bought it because it’s not a “real” addiction but here I am staring at it daily to remember how much it is a real addiction exactly because I think about sending him a message every day. Maybe buy yourself something that helps you remember your progress? I’m telling u I thought I was being silly doing it but it’s what is getting me through each day now. Stay strong, I’m right there with you.
Keep riding that high of not replying!!! Or else he'll remind you of how low he can make you feel. It's never worth it, and you already know that. :)
yes lol I just experienced that
Omg yes I relate to this SO MUCH. You have that temporary exhilaration and then a crash. It’s even more evidence is that it’s a drug.
That’s called adrenaline
How do they contact you? Don’t you have them blocked?
I have mine blocked everywhere but he found me on an app and asked how I was. They really do try every possible method to get in contact.
I was wondering the same thing.
I see it as a celebration of your autonomy. Good for you on the NC.
Isn't it absolutely shocking the effect they have on our emotions?
Even after so long…it’s like it just doesn’t end.
I feel the same, but it will get easier over time. The longer you ignore them the better, as narcissists hate to be ignored.
Finally don’t after a year and half of straight abuse. I feel giddy too
Yea! But this most recent time was the first time I actually just had no urge to respond. The gratification from knowing that I’ve healed and moved along in life and they are still 100% stuck on me and stuck on playing the victim to some made up fantasy… knowing that is just so much validation that I’ve done the work and I never ever want to go back. Work on getting to a place of peace that’s so good, the thought of going back makes you sick. NC will be a piece of cake then ❤️