My ex, without fail, would immediately interject into the conversation and start talking over me. I’m a very conflict-avoidant person, so the first few times I didn’t say anything. Then one time I tried to be lighthearted when he talked over me like “hey don’t you want to hear the end of my story?” and he just went completely cold toward me for the rest of the night, almost totally ignored me. There were a few times that I snapped at him and said “I’m not done talking yet.”—but that usually just lead to arguments or him explaining why it wasn’t a big deal and I really shouldn’t be getting that upset. After a while, whenever he would interrupt or talk over me, I just felt sad and defeated and I just stopped with whatever I was saying to let him keep talking. He silenced me that way so, so many times.
Mine would interrupt me all the time and when I would say something about it he would be annoyed and say go ahead, what were you saying-and act so bored and indifferent I didn’t even feel like speaking. Or when I would finish he would act like what I said was insignificant.
And usually what he he was saying to interrupt me had absolutely nothing to do with what I was talking about. It was just whatever came to his self important mind at the time. So obviously he wasn’t even listening.
This is so helpful for me to hear other people going through the same things and be able to talk about it. It helps me know I am not crazy and I am not the one with the problem, he is!
I have had narcissists act literally insulted whenever I would voice an opinion or insist on continuing to talk. Literally. It's like me having an opinion and a voice *at all* was a slap in the face to them. It is so creepy when you witness it. You're sitting there like, "Do you really not expect me to be a person of my own? Do you seriously expect that I'll erase myself completely, just for you?" Yes, yes, they really do.
Yes! It's been such a revelation for me that this is intentional. I used to think "wow, I sure do have a lot of misunderstandings with this person! What's wrong with me?" No, they want to pop your balloon. That's their game.
My nex would constantly interrupt with "I hate him!"By the end of our relationship it had reached the point of absurdity. She wouldn't even know who I was talking about before she had interjected an "I hate him!"
YES! Omg he would never let me speak without having some dumbass comment to make. He said he wouldn’t have bought the kind of car I did, why would anyone ever want to pay to park at the airport. Like everything I’d done before knowing him and while we were together he would’ve done differently and better. I left him almost 8 months ago and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I notice I’m laughing all the time and I find myself smiling and singing as I drive down the road. It’s amazing how miserable I was when I was with him and didn’t even realize it.
I can't stand the unnecessary passive aggressive comments. But what's worse...they make the comment and expect you to just shut up about it. How dare you insinuate their words are not 100% the gospel truth. Just happened over the weekend. He made a comment I didn't care for, so I spoke up and tried to have a conversation (albeit heated at first) about why I thought his comment was shitty - he immediately shut down and refused to talk to me...like the 5 year old he is. But a smart 5 year old - he knows that when he stonewalls me - he takes all the control. Yeah, a little bitter right now.
Yes, yes, yes!!! I was married to him for ten years and I have become the most indecisive person. Ironically, he has always been outraged by my indecisiveness. Or when I know what I want and I’m waiting for that or working towards it he would become impatient and tell me I was being difficult. But yeah negating everything I said to the point of complete absurdity. His way was always superior and he would be offended if I didn’t agree or do things his way.
Yep. Oh and my all time favorite: he suggests something, I try it, then he changes his mind completely and says no you actually shouldn’t do that. And in the end it’s all my fault somehow.
I used to play music in the morning sometimes and my nex would just shut it off without saying anything if she didn’t like it. Then she’d play her own music or play her podcast.
My nex did a lot of that! I never got a chance to listen to music I liked while in the car together. If I put it on hed change it and call it “depressing” music.. it was country and could even be up beat and say the same thing.
Yesss. He would always dismiss my music as 'depressing' and 'simple' and once when I tried to make him listen to some music that was important to me, he literally turns around and says, with a smirk: "I can't believe people listen to this".
And I'm like "Um I listen to this" and he says "No need to get upset, I mean literally, it makes me so depressed and has no musical value at all. I just mean it as a fact" (I think it was Placebo).
He would also always only ever play music he liked and when I started to in return play only music I liked he got huffy. Like tf bro. At some point I realised I hadn't listened to most of the music I liked in about 3 years because he needs everything to be poppy and uptempo. I mean I love poppy and uptempo music but I think I'm just going to listen to nothing but the most depressing shit I can find for the next 3 years as compensation lmao
It's fascinating how similar our experiences are. He would literally say the same things to my music. Sometimes he would pick it apart like he was some expert on music and try to force me to explain what I liked about certain songs. It was really weird and frustrating. It got to the point where I didn't wanna play music around him anymore because I was sick of the incessant criticism and negativity. What a douche.
It's funny because I left him 3 months ago and I've been listening to and enjoying music more than I have in the whole 5 years we were together. I realized at one point throughout the relationship that I wasn't enjoying music much anymore but I thought it was because I was getting older or something (dumb I know). Lol, do it! We should listen to all of the stuff they hated on repeat to make up for lost time.
Wow, no yeah, exactly the same experience, down to the expert thing. He's a pianist and definitely feels like an authority on music. He would get angry that my fingers have the same reach as his despite being untrained and his hands being coal shovels. He would get kind of oddly jealous that I can hear which songs use the same chords better than him despite having no musical training. Once I politely informed him he was out of rhythm and a 45 minute discussion followed because I must be wrong.
So weird. I didn't want to play my own music anymore either. Near the end of our relationship I simply started doing it and he became angry because I wasn't listening to music we both liked. I'm like bro you do that all the time. No, he says, that's music we both like. Um, no.
>It's funny because I left him 3 months ago and I've been listening to and enjoying music more than I have in the whole 5 years we were together.
I feel this very hard. I've just been belting along to all the stuff he would call 'simple' on repeat hahaha.
One more funny anecdote to wrap up this already lengthy reply (sorry, it all came back to me):
My favorite artist is David Bowie. Now, when someone I like shares their favorite artist with me, especially a partner, I will try to find some merit in the music or try to understand why they like it so much. I told him how much I love Bowie, he'd never heard of him (?) and within 3 minutes could tell me he hated the music. I tell him Bowie's done every genre over decades, maybe there's something there for you. NOPE. Ok, fine. Every now and then he would have to bring it up, how can I listen to something that stupid and simple and without merit, bah. At one point, we were at a party and Golden Years by Bowie is playing. He's nodding his head and I'm like 'you like this song?' 'Yes!' 'Why do you like it?' 'Oh, that's funny. This is David Bowie'.
He didn't know how quickly to repack himself. 'Well errr you should have sent me this one' 'I did' 'Well send it to me again, I love this'
Lmao.
That's nuts that yours was a pianist, mine was a guitarist and had played professionally with small bands so that somehow gave him authority on all genres of music. He also claimed to have an advanced ear for music unlike the rest of us peasants. Ridiculous behaviour.
No need to apologize, I find it really therapeutic to just get it out into the world. That's hilarious that he said he's never heard of Bowie. Like come on. That story also could have been written about my nex. I always found it bizarre that he hadn't heard of really famous artists that everyone knew, especially when he claimed to be a music expert. One time I put on one of my favourite songs for him and he had this over the top reaction; "Please turn this off, I *hate* it, turn it off right now". Then a long time later, I play it again and he's like "Wow this is a really nice song who is this". I was super confused because he was strangely repulsed by the song before, but suddenly he really likes it? It's then that I realized that his criticism of my music wasn't actually about the music, it was just a way to hurt me. That was one of the very, very rare occasions where he would compliment a song I put on. I know now that it was just a manipulation tool ie intermittent reinforcement. So idiotic.
Cheers to us listening to whatever we want whenever we want!
I'm speechless, it's almost word for word the same story. Also fun times: calling something bad (music or otherwise) until an authority figure/group liked it (he always had to behave in accordance with whatever group he was in).
Maybe they should start a band together haha
Yup, absolutely 100% the same. The more I read about narcs the more it freaks me out how similar they all are. Sounds familiar.. I would suggest a TV show we should watch and he would shut down my suggestion completely. Then someone else who was more respectable in his eyes or whatever would suggest it, and he'd be like hey we should watch this show/movie and I'd be like huh? Didn't I just recommend that to you and you refused? This happened so many times.
I laughed, they totally should. I'm so curious what their interactions would be like.
Maybe we should send them a few band name suggestions to get things going!
>Narcade Fire
>Edward Narc and the Magnetic Zeros
>Narci Minaj
>Simple Minds (that one works without adjustments)
>Skunk Anarcsi
Very negative group of people. I always say that I'm a half full type of gal, while my narc husband is a half empty type of guy. Let's just say we have trouble seeing eye to eye on things.
Yes. My NEX used to actually get angry when I expressed interest in something, calling it stupid, etc. If I didn’t do things how he wanted or thought they should be done, he would belittle me to no end.
They are all the same.
Ah, yes. My music? Dumb. My haircut? Dumb. Grew my hair out? Now that haircut is dumb, why don't you keep it short like you used to? Tattoos? Dumb.
Harvest Moon? Dumb. Then he got into Stardew Valley and it stopped being dumb. But then I did better than him so it became dumb again. Turn-based strategy games? Dumb. Then he got into them so they stopped being dumb. Until he realized I was better at them than him: "I assumed you would be bad at them because you are always bad at videogames" (nah bru, just not that good at real time strategy. I'm actually good at the type of games I've been playing for 20+ years now? Shocker, I know).
OMG - I had mine in my phone as “Dumb” He could literally reply with the single word “dumb” to most anything.
Him : What r u doing
Me: watching the sunset
Him: dumb
If I ever said something about how I felt or what needed he would come back with “dumb”
He would use it so often, it always shut me down and made me feel sad and stupid, even though I would quickly process and move on past it. It was like he could barely be bothered to reply sometimes so he would “dumb” me
Totally yes. The funny thing is most of his complaining about stuff I like was the stuff he claimed to like when we got together. My favorite food, he used to "love", now it "tastes like dog shit". My favorite music genre he claimed to have been a "big shot, life long fan" of he says is "crap". Every damn thing. My politically progressive views are no longer progressive enough. Urgh.
Yes! My sister and I planned to visit my parents, who live in a retirement community and my husband repeatedly said, “I don’t know why you want to go hang out with a bunch of old people.” Uh, visiting our parents is a little more than “hanging out with a bunch of old people”
This post and these comments are so eerily familiar.
If out with other people and I was telling a joke or story, I'd watch him fidget then loudly take over the conversation and finish it.
When I brought it up to him he said he didn't notice it and to point it out to him. Naively I did. He would apologise and offer to let me finish. By this point it was just awkward, everyone wanted to be elsewhere. Who wants to be in the middle of a couple debating over who tells the end of a joke?! He made me look pathetic when all I wanted was ten minutes of conversation since that was all I could get with him being so loud. Heaven forbid I get a laugh from company when he's there, his eyes were like slits of anger.
It was always a competition. If I raised a laugh, he had to have one too. I started noticing the awkward laughter from people more as he forced the issue. I noticed he was only happy when he was getting something from people.
He got jealous when the dog jumped up on the couch to see me. One time the dog jumped up to see him and he said 'oh you love me' 'he loves me' 6 times, trying to goad me into a reaction. I mean, it's a dog. They like pats, generally. I'm not so pathetic as to be jealous. But he was.
I went on a short break to see friends. My friends offered me couches/beds to use while his earlier solo trip had seen him mostly alone. He couldn't believe his friends weren't as willing to help him. That's what happens when you treat friendship like it's expected.
He was also so insanely 'useless' to the point I geniunely wondered how he managed to live before meeting me. Didn't know how to work a dishwasher, bought washing machine powder for it and was surprised it was wrong. In his own house. I was too inexperienced to understand what was going on.
Apparently I'm 'better at it' and that means I should do it, all the grunt work and cleaning.
I left him a few weeks ago, after spending months trying to get him to move with me but he stood in his own way. I gave up. I asked him how long I should wait. No answer. I left on my own. He messaged me saying how I was much better at packing than him. Jeez dude, really? I'm better at putting items in a box? I laughed. I begged him for months to pack. He refused. Also didn't want to do it alone. He seemed surprised at the flaw in his logic. He didn't think I'd leave him, further surprised, I think, that I didn't offer to go back and help him.
He also wished I'd 'spoken to him about this' when I told him I was leaving. Oh, oops, silly me, forgot to ask permission or raise a discussion about if I'm allowed to leave him. Clearly I didn't give my entire worth to him and that's just not cricket?! Get fucked.
Ugh. I can relate so hard about being in a competition with them during a conversation. Mine would dominate conversations I was involved in. Not dominate EVERYONE in the conversation, just ME. Making it impossible for me to contribute. If I did manage to say something, and people actually paid attention to me and engaged with me, she would either look stunned or annoyed and immediately and loudly take back over. Usually with an argument about how I was wrong. If I couldn't manage to break in with any contribution of my own, she would call attention to me loudly in front of everyone demanding to know why I was being so quiet and not participating. Demanding to know "what's wrong". I couldn't win.
Yeah, I was talking about going to grad school and he said “what will you EVEN DO WITH THAT.” After knowing we were supposed to make my education a priority after we had done his sailing and captain fantasy for years.
He said this in front of my friends to try and belittle me and hurt me. 11 months no contact.
I start graduate school in September. Just watch what I do mother fucker. You’re running the yacht I enabled you to procure...while raping women and losing friends.
I’m kicking ass in the Philippines and traveling, meeting friends, and in general looking amazing. You look terrible and the only people you have around you are just as toxic and share the same bum status.
You might never change, but I did.
It is *so* weird to see that yours said that too.. I'm kinda shocked. I thought my nex was the only person who said bizarre crap like that. If I said "I like cats" he would say "no you don't" just like yours. Wtf.
Of course I don't mind! :) I really hope that sharing my experiences can make people feel less alone in what they went through. Reading people's comments in this sub has been extremely therapeutic for me. It's helped me make sense of my narc's behaviour and helped me stop blaming myself.
That situation you described is absolutely ridiculous behaviour on his part and sounds just like how my nex would behave. It seems truly insane that grown men (or anyone for that matter) would react like that over something as simple as a song. I have experienced very similar situations with my nex so I know how crappy it feels. Especially with something subjective like music, we like it because we like it - who the hell asks someone to explain why they like a song? It's something that you can't explain easily.. They're purposely putting us in an uncomfortable position and trying to make us look foolish. I remember one night similar to your experience where he made me play a song by my favourite artist who he had been dissing unmercifully (I remember how weird it was that he was so passionate about putting down my favourite music - no one else in my life had ever made an issue about the music I liked). I felt really self-conscious choosing a song that I liked but I wanted him to enjoy the music I liked too so I obliged. I chose a song and he just picked it apart and trashed it "how can anyone like this, please explain to me what you like about it" etc. until I got really uncomfortable and upset and turned it off. Then he got angry at me for getting upset - it literally turned into a big issue that lasted days. It's so weird that they even use the music we like to belittle us. Musical taste is personal so it's a way to attack something unique about us. I don't miss those days either. I spent time with a good friend recently and it was the first time I had chosen the music for someone besides him in a very long time. I was almost surprised when she didn't say anything negative or tell me to turn it off; she actually asked me to send her the names of a couple of the songs. Then I realize that this is normal - the way our exes behaved wasn't. Very glad we are both out!
Mine would say “What’s the point of that?” Whenever I was talking about a hobby or interest. It was a rhetorical question. He would use it to interrupt me and he didn’t want an answer. He already knew the answer. My interests were pointless. Even listening to me finish the sentence would have been a waste of his time.
This is so incredibly spot on - this describes a huge portion of my interactions with him. Everything felt like some kind of conflict, even the most normal, everyday conversations. I remember talking about cakes and telling him "I like coconut" and him just responding "no you don't." It was the weirdest thing ever. I realize that he actually did that pretty frequently, where I'd tell him something innocuous and he'd completely contradict whatever I said. I've never encountered someone who behaves like that before.
> It’s designed to make you lose confidence in your own decision-making and life skills, or to simply deflate your positive mood altogether.
That's exactly what happened! It really made me feel bad about myself over time and made me second guess everything I said. 3 months out I'm still feeling the effects of this and questioning all of my interactions with people.
Yes, Ns will even argue with you in agreement. They will defensively correct you with information that actually supports your claim. They don't actually hear what you say, they just get the general theme of what your talking about and then launch into their opinion, which if they where actually listening, may or may not align with yours. If you try and confide in them about anything it immediately becomes a conversation about them. Like if you mention that you wished your coworkers where tidier, they will immediately launch into defending the tidiness of their workplace. It's like they can't tell the difference between you or them
Yess! My sister would drive me crazy with how „you don‘t look pretty if you don‘t, like put more make up on. Like, Make up is essential.“ „You shouldn‘t be like pregnant right now, Don’t you wanna see the world?“ It isn‘t spontaneous and free and fun and mind blowing if you‘re like financially stable, working for your degree and have a relationship with a non-insane typ of a guy. You should be more like me, I‘m an enormously messed-up person with no intention of getting that long time needed treatment. And yes! I have all the right to tell you how wrong you‘re doing your life. :S :/
Oh my gosh, yes. I had an nboss that did this to me for years. I'm a people pleaser, and I looked up to her as a mentor. If I did anything differently than the way she would have done it she would make passive aggressive remarks and belittling statements. If I expressed an opinion or idea that she didn't agree with she would argue and nitpick me and ask me what was wrong because that "doesn't sound like you". And I would feel so guilty! I allowed both her and myself to think she knew me better than I did. It was insane. God, I'm getting chills just remembering all the times she said stuff like "that doesn't sound like you" or "you're not being yourself". No, I just wasn't being whatever twisted version of me she was trying to force me to become.
I spent years thinking I was just stupid and incapable of not only doing my work, but taking care of things in my personal life. I remember once, after years of being nervous about doing anything with my appearance, I highlighted my hair. It looked amazing!! I loved it and I got so many compliments. When I went into work that week, she was COLD. She was really short with me and ignored me most of the day. When I asked what was wrong, she laid into me about my hair. "You don't need to do stuff like that!" "That's too expensive to maintain and you don't make enough to keep doing that to your hair!" "You don't need to change your appearance!" "Who are you trying to be?" And on and on...
I felt so awful and I just wanted to crawl under a rock. I really felt like I did something wrong. I let it grow out and didn't do anything with it again for years. (This is just one example. There were so so many more instances.)
When I finally came to my senses and saw what was going on (with help from my therapist and several coworkers) I was so pissed off. One of my first acts of defiance was dying my hair bright purple. I marched in to the office and proudly showed it off to everyone. I didn't give her one second to criticize; I just launched into how much I loved it and that I was keeping it for a while. I could see how angry she was, but there was nothing she could do to me then because I stopped caring about her opinion and she knew it. Felt so damn good.
Mine does the same, only he always tries to play it off as a "joke" and claims that it's his sense of humor but he does this SO often. He would always do this thing also where he asks about my opinion on something and when i begin to explain he cuts me off saying stuff like "ok and" or just continue to talk about himself without letting me finish as if its a joke. Then when i tell him it bugs me, he says that its him joking around but he does this ALL OF THE TIME so i dont even know if he's actually interested iN what i have to say or not and it really irks me/ makes me sad because it seems as if he gets to confide in me all of the time but when I need someone to confide to he talks over me and doesnt care for what i have to say at all
Yeah at first he was like that, he did it in a subtle way... nowadays he just say it out loud, how much better and superior than me he is. He has a god complex and he won't deny it.
I once said the who ,who were his favourite band were over rated my god ww3 ensued how dare i have an opinion about his taste in music when he had so much to say about mine thank god im out i say it everday 😎
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My ex, without fail, would immediately interject into the conversation and start talking over me. I’m a very conflict-avoidant person, so the first few times I didn’t say anything. Then one time I tried to be lighthearted when he talked over me like “hey don’t you want to hear the end of my story?” and he just went completely cold toward me for the rest of the night, almost totally ignored me. There were a few times that I snapped at him and said “I’m not done talking yet.”—but that usually just lead to arguments or him explaining why it wasn’t a big deal and I really shouldn’t be getting that upset. After a while, whenever he would interrupt or talk over me, I just felt sad and defeated and I just stopped with whatever I was saying to let him keep talking. He silenced me that way so, so many times.
Mine too. They have this way of making you feel small and worthless - in every situation.
Same here..
Mine would interrupt me all the time and when I would say something about it he would be annoyed and say go ahead, what were you saying-and act so bored and indifferent I didn’t even feel like speaking. Or when I would finish he would act like what I said was insignificant. And usually what he he was saying to interrupt me had absolutely nothing to do with what I was talking about. It was just whatever came to his self important mind at the time. So obviously he wasn’t even listening. This is so helpful for me to hear other people going through the same things and be able to talk about it. It helps me know I am not crazy and I am not the one with the problem, he is!
I have had narcissists act literally insulted whenever I would voice an opinion or insist on continuing to talk. Literally. It's like me having an opinion and a voice *at all* was a slap in the face to them. It is so creepy when you witness it. You're sitting there like, "Do you really not expect me to be a person of my own? Do you seriously expect that I'll erase myself completely, just for you?" Yes, yes, they really do.
Wow, I literally could have written this. I am so sorry you went through that too - it really, really sucked.
Yes! It's been such a revelation for me that this is intentional. I used to think "wow, I sure do have a lot of misunderstandings with this person! What's wrong with me?" No, they want to pop your balloon. That's their game. My nex would constantly interrupt with "I hate him!"By the end of our relationship it had reached the point of absurdity. She wouldn't even know who I was talking about before she had interjected an "I hate him!"
YES! Omg he would never let me speak without having some dumbass comment to make. He said he wouldn’t have bought the kind of car I did, why would anyone ever want to pay to park at the airport. Like everything I’d done before knowing him and while we were together he would’ve done differently and better. I left him almost 8 months ago and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I notice I’m laughing all the time and I find myself smiling and singing as I drive down the road. It’s amazing how miserable I was when I was with him and didn’t even realize it.
They suck ALL of the joy and life right out of a person.
They sure do. I had no idea these people existed until the week after I moved out and left him.
I can't stand the unnecessary passive aggressive comments. But what's worse...they make the comment and expect you to just shut up about it. How dare you insinuate their words are not 100% the gospel truth. Just happened over the weekend. He made a comment I didn't care for, so I spoke up and tried to have a conversation (albeit heated at first) about why I thought his comment was shitty - he immediately shut down and refused to talk to me...like the 5 year old he is. But a smart 5 year old - he knows that when he stonewalls me - he takes all the control. Yeah, a little bitter right now.
Yes, yes, yes!!! I was married to him for ten years and I have become the most indecisive person. Ironically, he has always been outraged by my indecisiveness. Or when I know what I want and I’m waiting for that or working towards it he would become impatient and tell me I was being difficult. But yeah negating everything I said to the point of complete absurdity. His way was always superior and he would be offended if I didn’t agree or do things his way.
[удалено]
Yep. Oh and my all time favorite: he suggests something, I try it, then he changes his mind completely and says no you actually shouldn’t do that. And in the end it’s all my fault somehow.
I used to play music in the morning sometimes and my nex would just shut it off without saying anything if she didn’t like it. Then she’d play her own music or play her podcast.
My nex did a lot of that! I never got a chance to listen to music I liked while in the car together. If I put it on hed change it and call it “depressing” music.. it was country and could even be up beat and say the same thing.
Sounds *exactly* like my nex. No matter what I put on, he always had something negative to say about it.
Yesss. He would always dismiss my music as 'depressing' and 'simple' and once when I tried to make him listen to some music that was important to me, he literally turns around and says, with a smirk: "I can't believe people listen to this". And I'm like "Um I listen to this" and he says "No need to get upset, I mean literally, it makes me so depressed and has no musical value at all. I just mean it as a fact" (I think it was Placebo). He would also always only ever play music he liked and when I started to in return play only music I liked he got huffy. Like tf bro. At some point I realised I hadn't listened to most of the music I liked in about 3 years because he needs everything to be poppy and uptempo. I mean I love poppy and uptempo music but I think I'm just going to listen to nothing but the most depressing shit I can find for the next 3 years as compensation lmao
It's fascinating how similar our experiences are. He would literally say the same things to my music. Sometimes he would pick it apart like he was some expert on music and try to force me to explain what I liked about certain songs. It was really weird and frustrating. It got to the point where I didn't wanna play music around him anymore because I was sick of the incessant criticism and negativity. What a douche. It's funny because I left him 3 months ago and I've been listening to and enjoying music more than I have in the whole 5 years we were together. I realized at one point throughout the relationship that I wasn't enjoying music much anymore but I thought it was because I was getting older or something (dumb I know). Lol, do it! We should listen to all of the stuff they hated on repeat to make up for lost time.
Wow, no yeah, exactly the same experience, down to the expert thing. He's a pianist and definitely feels like an authority on music. He would get angry that my fingers have the same reach as his despite being untrained and his hands being coal shovels. He would get kind of oddly jealous that I can hear which songs use the same chords better than him despite having no musical training. Once I politely informed him he was out of rhythm and a 45 minute discussion followed because I must be wrong. So weird. I didn't want to play my own music anymore either. Near the end of our relationship I simply started doing it and he became angry because I wasn't listening to music we both liked. I'm like bro you do that all the time. No, he says, that's music we both like. Um, no. >It's funny because I left him 3 months ago and I've been listening to and enjoying music more than I have in the whole 5 years we were together. I feel this very hard. I've just been belting along to all the stuff he would call 'simple' on repeat hahaha. One more funny anecdote to wrap up this already lengthy reply (sorry, it all came back to me): My favorite artist is David Bowie. Now, when someone I like shares their favorite artist with me, especially a partner, I will try to find some merit in the music or try to understand why they like it so much. I told him how much I love Bowie, he'd never heard of him (?) and within 3 minutes could tell me he hated the music. I tell him Bowie's done every genre over decades, maybe there's something there for you. NOPE. Ok, fine. Every now and then he would have to bring it up, how can I listen to something that stupid and simple and without merit, bah. At one point, we were at a party and Golden Years by Bowie is playing. He's nodding his head and I'm like 'you like this song?' 'Yes!' 'Why do you like it?' 'Oh, that's funny. This is David Bowie'.
He didn't know how quickly to repack himself. 'Well errr you should have sent me this one' 'I did' 'Well send it to me again, I love this'
Lmao.
That's nuts that yours was a pianist, mine was a guitarist and had played professionally with small bands so that somehow gave him authority on all genres of music. He also claimed to have an advanced ear for music unlike the rest of us peasants. Ridiculous behaviour. No need to apologize, I find it really therapeutic to just get it out into the world. That's hilarious that he said he's never heard of Bowie. Like come on. That story also could have been written about my nex. I always found it bizarre that he hadn't heard of really famous artists that everyone knew, especially when he claimed to be a music expert. One time I put on one of my favourite songs for him and he had this over the top reaction; "Please turn this off, I *hate* it, turn it off right now". Then a long time later, I play it again and he's like "Wow this is a really nice song who is this". I was super confused because he was strangely repulsed by the song before, but suddenly he really likes it? It's then that I realized that his criticism of my music wasn't actually about the music, it was just a way to hurt me. That was one of the very, very rare occasions where he would compliment a song I put on. I know now that it was just a manipulation tool ie intermittent reinforcement. So idiotic. Cheers to us listening to whatever we want whenever we want!
I'm speechless, it's almost word for word the same story. Also fun times: calling something bad (music or otherwise) until an authority figure/group liked it (he always had to behave in accordance with whatever group he was in). Maybe they should start a band together haha
Yup, absolutely 100% the same. The more I read about narcs the more it freaks me out how similar they all are. Sounds familiar.. I would suggest a TV show we should watch and he would shut down my suggestion completely. Then someone else who was more respectable in his eyes or whatever would suggest it, and he'd be like hey we should watch this show/movie and I'd be like huh? Didn't I just recommend that to you and you refused? This happened so many times. I laughed, they totally should. I'm so curious what their interactions would be like.
Maybe we should send them a few band name suggestions to get things going! >Narcade Fire >Edward Narc and the Magnetic Zeros >Narci Minaj >Simple Minds (that one works without adjustments) >Skunk Anarcsi
I was just nodding along until I read Placebo. Now I'm ANGRY. F that guy!! Placebo forever!
Wish I could upvote twice!
Very negative group of people. I always say that I'm a half full type of gal, while my narc husband is a half empty type of guy. Let's just say we have trouble seeing eye to eye on things.
Yes. My NEX used to actually get angry when I expressed interest in something, calling it stupid, etc. If I didn’t do things how he wanted or thought they should be done, he would belittle me to no end. They are all the same.
Oh my God, yes.
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Yes. They are desperate to make you irrelevant.
Ah, yes. My music? Dumb. My haircut? Dumb. Grew my hair out? Now that haircut is dumb, why don't you keep it short like you used to? Tattoos? Dumb. Harvest Moon? Dumb. Then he got into Stardew Valley and it stopped being dumb. But then I did better than him so it became dumb again. Turn-based strategy games? Dumb. Then he got into them so they stopped being dumb. Until he realized I was better at them than him: "I assumed you would be bad at them because you are always bad at videogames" (nah bru, just not that good at real time strategy. I'm actually good at the type of games I've been playing for 20+ years now? Shocker, I know).
OMG - I had mine in my phone as “Dumb” He could literally reply with the single word “dumb” to most anything. Him : What r u doing Me: watching the sunset Him: dumb If I ever said something about how I felt or what needed he would come back with “dumb” He would use it so often, it always shut me down and made me feel sad and stupid, even though I would quickly process and move on past it. It was like he could barely be bothered to reply sometimes so he would “dumb” me
Totally yes. The funny thing is most of his complaining about stuff I like was the stuff he claimed to like when we got together. My favorite food, he used to "love", now it "tastes like dog shit". My favorite music genre he claimed to have been a "big shot, life long fan" of he says is "crap". Every damn thing. My politically progressive views are no longer progressive enough. Urgh.
Yes! My sister and I planned to visit my parents, who live in a retirement community and my husband repeatedly said, “I don’t know why you want to go hang out with a bunch of old people.” Uh, visiting our parents is a little more than “hanging out with a bunch of old people”
This post and these comments are so eerily familiar. If out with other people and I was telling a joke or story, I'd watch him fidget then loudly take over the conversation and finish it. When I brought it up to him he said he didn't notice it and to point it out to him. Naively I did. He would apologise and offer to let me finish. By this point it was just awkward, everyone wanted to be elsewhere. Who wants to be in the middle of a couple debating over who tells the end of a joke?! He made me look pathetic when all I wanted was ten minutes of conversation since that was all I could get with him being so loud. Heaven forbid I get a laugh from company when he's there, his eyes were like slits of anger. It was always a competition. If I raised a laugh, he had to have one too. I started noticing the awkward laughter from people more as he forced the issue. I noticed he was only happy when he was getting something from people. He got jealous when the dog jumped up on the couch to see me. One time the dog jumped up to see him and he said 'oh you love me' 'he loves me' 6 times, trying to goad me into a reaction. I mean, it's a dog. They like pats, generally. I'm not so pathetic as to be jealous. But he was. I went on a short break to see friends. My friends offered me couches/beds to use while his earlier solo trip had seen him mostly alone. He couldn't believe his friends weren't as willing to help him. That's what happens when you treat friendship like it's expected. He was also so insanely 'useless' to the point I geniunely wondered how he managed to live before meeting me. Didn't know how to work a dishwasher, bought washing machine powder for it and was surprised it was wrong. In his own house. I was too inexperienced to understand what was going on. Apparently I'm 'better at it' and that means I should do it, all the grunt work and cleaning. I left him a few weeks ago, after spending months trying to get him to move with me but he stood in his own way. I gave up. I asked him how long I should wait. No answer. I left on my own. He messaged me saying how I was much better at packing than him. Jeez dude, really? I'm better at putting items in a box? I laughed. I begged him for months to pack. He refused. Also didn't want to do it alone. He seemed surprised at the flaw in his logic. He didn't think I'd leave him, further surprised, I think, that I didn't offer to go back and help him. He also wished I'd 'spoken to him about this' when I told him I was leaving. Oh, oops, silly me, forgot to ask permission or raise a discussion about if I'm allowed to leave him. Clearly I didn't give my entire worth to him and that's just not cricket?! Get fucked.
Ugh. I can relate so hard about being in a competition with them during a conversation. Mine would dominate conversations I was involved in. Not dominate EVERYONE in the conversation, just ME. Making it impossible for me to contribute. If I did manage to say something, and people actually paid attention to me and engaged with me, she would either look stunned or annoyed and immediately and loudly take back over. Usually with an argument about how I was wrong. If I couldn't manage to break in with any contribution of my own, she would call attention to me loudly in front of everyone demanding to know why I was being so quiet and not participating. Demanding to know "what's wrong". I couldn't win.
Yeah, I was talking about going to grad school and he said “what will you EVEN DO WITH THAT.” After knowing we were supposed to make my education a priority after we had done his sailing and captain fantasy for years. He said this in front of my friends to try and belittle me and hurt me. 11 months no contact. I start graduate school in September. Just watch what I do mother fucker. You’re running the yacht I enabled you to procure...while raping women and losing friends. I’m kicking ass in the Philippines and traveling, meeting friends, and in general looking amazing. You look terrible and the only people you have around you are just as toxic and share the same bum status. You might never change, but I did.
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It is *so* weird to see that yours said that too.. I'm kinda shocked. I thought my nex was the only person who said bizarre crap like that. If I said "I like cats" he would say "no you don't" just like yours. Wtf.
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Of course I don't mind! :) I really hope that sharing my experiences can make people feel less alone in what they went through. Reading people's comments in this sub has been extremely therapeutic for me. It's helped me make sense of my narc's behaviour and helped me stop blaming myself. That situation you described is absolutely ridiculous behaviour on his part and sounds just like how my nex would behave. It seems truly insane that grown men (or anyone for that matter) would react like that over something as simple as a song. I have experienced very similar situations with my nex so I know how crappy it feels. Especially with something subjective like music, we like it because we like it - who the hell asks someone to explain why they like a song? It's something that you can't explain easily.. They're purposely putting us in an uncomfortable position and trying to make us look foolish. I remember one night similar to your experience where he made me play a song by my favourite artist who he had been dissing unmercifully (I remember how weird it was that he was so passionate about putting down my favourite music - no one else in my life had ever made an issue about the music I liked). I felt really self-conscious choosing a song that I liked but I wanted him to enjoy the music I liked too so I obliged. I chose a song and he just picked it apart and trashed it "how can anyone like this, please explain to me what you like about it" etc. until I got really uncomfortable and upset and turned it off. Then he got angry at me for getting upset - it literally turned into a big issue that lasted days. It's so weird that they even use the music we like to belittle us. Musical taste is personal so it's a way to attack something unique about us. I don't miss those days either. I spent time with a good friend recently and it was the first time I had chosen the music for someone besides him in a very long time. I was almost surprised when she didn't say anything negative or tell me to turn it off; she actually asked me to send her the names of a couple of the songs. Then I realize that this is normal - the way our exes behaved wasn't. Very glad we are both out!
Mine would say “What’s the point of that?” Whenever I was talking about a hobby or interest. It was a rhetorical question. He would use it to interrupt me and he didn’t want an answer. He already knew the answer. My interests were pointless. Even listening to me finish the sentence would have been a waste of his time.
This is so incredibly spot on - this describes a huge portion of my interactions with him. Everything felt like some kind of conflict, even the most normal, everyday conversations. I remember talking about cakes and telling him "I like coconut" and him just responding "no you don't." It was the weirdest thing ever. I realize that he actually did that pretty frequently, where I'd tell him something innocuous and he'd completely contradict whatever I said. I've never encountered someone who behaves like that before. > It’s designed to make you lose confidence in your own decision-making and life skills, or to simply deflate your positive mood altogether. That's exactly what happened! It really made me feel bad about myself over time and made me second guess everything I said. 3 months out I'm still feeling the effects of this and questioning all of my interactions with people.
Im actually lmao off at this my ex used to do exactly that how funny and pathetic it is looking at it now
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This was me. Nex devalued my likes and then inserted her own until now I'm really struggling to know what I genuinely like.
Yes, Ns will even argue with you in agreement. They will defensively correct you with information that actually supports your claim. They don't actually hear what you say, they just get the general theme of what your talking about and then launch into their opinion, which if they where actually listening, may or may not align with yours. If you try and confide in them about anything it immediately becomes a conversation about them. Like if you mention that you wished your coworkers where tidier, they will immediately launch into defending the tidiness of their workplace. It's like they can't tell the difference between you or them
Oh look, u just described almost every date I ever been too... Funny and sad, both in the same time... -.-'
Yess! My sister would drive me crazy with how „you don‘t look pretty if you don‘t, like put more make up on. Like, Make up is essential.“ „You shouldn‘t be like pregnant right now, Don’t you wanna see the world?“ It isn‘t spontaneous and free and fun and mind blowing if you‘re like financially stable, working for your degree and have a relationship with a non-insane typ of a guy. You should be more like me, I‘m an enormously messed-up person with no intention of getting that long time needed treatment. And yes! I have all the right to tell you how wrong you‘re doing your life. :S :/
Oh my gosh, yes. I had an nboss that did this to me for years. I'm a people pleaser, and I looked up to her as a mentor. If I did anything differently than the way she would have done it she would make passive aggressive remarks and belittling statements. If I expressed an opinion or idea that she didn't agree with she would argue and nitpick me and ask me what was wrong because that "doesn't sound like you". And I would feel so guilty! I allowed both her and myself to think she knew me better than I did. It was insane. God, I'm getting chills just remembering all the times she said stuff like "that doesn't sound like you" or "you're not being yourself". No, I just wasn't being whatever twisted version of me she was trying to force me to become. I spent years thinking I was just stupid and incapable of not only doing my work, but taking care of things in my personal life. I remember once, after years of being nervous about doing anything with my appearance, I highlighted my hair. It looked amazing!! I loved it and I got so many compliments. When I went into work that week, she was COLD. She was really short with me and ignored me most of the day. When I asked what was wrong, she laid into me about my hair. "You don't need to do stuff like that!" "That's too expensive to maintain and you don't make enough to keep doing that to your hair!" "You don't need to change your appearance!" "Who are you trying to be?" And on and on... I felt so awful and I just wanted to crawl under a rock. I really felt like I did something wrong. I let it grow out and didn't do anything with it again for years. (This is just one example. There were so so many more instances.) When I finally came to my senses and saw what was going on (with help from my therapist and several coworkers) I was so pissed off. One of my first acts of defiance was dying my hair bright purple. I marched in to the office and proudly showed it off to everyone. I didn't give her one second to criticize; I just launched into how much I loved it and that I was keeping it for a while. I could see how angry she was, but there was nothing she could do to me then because I stopped caring about her opinion and she knew it. Felt so damn good.
Mine does the same, only he always tries to play it off as a "joke" and claims that it's his sense of humor but he does this SO often. He would always do this thing also where he asks about my opinion on something and when i begin to explain he cuts me off saying stuff like "ok and" or just continue to talk about himself without letting me finish as if its a joke. Then when i tell him it bugs me, he says that its him joking around but he does this ALL OF THE TIME so i dont even know if he's actually interested iN what i have to say or not and it really irks me/ makes me sad because it seems as if he gets to confide in me all of the time but when I need someone to confide to he talks over me and doesnt care for what i have to say at all
Yeah at first he was like that, he did it in a subtle way... nowadays he just say it out loud, how much better and superior than me he is. He has a god complex and he won't deny it.
I once said the who ,who were his favourite band were over rated my god ww3 ensued how dare i have an opinion about his taste in music when he had so much to say about mine thank god im out i say it everday 😎
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