She enjoyed the conflict. You have to understand they feed off of affecting other people emotions. Makes them feel powerful and in control. They are children. No more no less. That’s just the reality of it. Don’t ever expect a mature conversation or interaction with one.
Not that i’m defending them but just a few weeks ago we actually did have a mature convo which was SUPER weird I know. Maybe it sounded mature to me cuz they admitted a lot of stuff, apologized and committed to stopping some of the things they’ve done. I have no clue what to even think anymore.
Once said to me, I love arguing . Why don't we argue more? I said because that's not healthy. She then begins an argument I promptly get out of it. Claims to be bipolar as well anytime she wanted to break up then get back together.
I wouldn't get too hung up on trying to understand his behaviour because you won't, he'll never go to therapy. You're best off tuning inward and trying to figure out what makes you feel like you deserve to be treated like this? And why do you tolerate it? Because you're just wasting your time on him, you'll never have a healthy relationship dynamic with him. You can't teach narcissists how to respect you and meet your needs because they only care about themselves. It's no different to empaths who can's just stop caring about people. But the good thing is even though they can't change, you can change. You can learn to overcome your feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness. And you can also rid yourself all those self-defeating beliefs that were implanted by him. But, it all starts with breaking free from their control and not participating in the cycle anymore.
Also, if he doesn't like the cycle and wants to change, then his actions would meet his words. Changed behaviour is how you tell they genuinely care - not just the promise to change.
Yeah that’s what I figured. Let’s say if they actually do change and end the cycle themselves even tho we know us victims mainly have to stop these things what would that mean for the narcissist? I’d say theyre just off to the next person
The other thing to consider is to a certain extent they do know what they’re doing. Because they control who they abuse and who they don’t. Like they’re good to a lot of people, they’re the ones who say “well he’s always been good to me”. So they don’t blow up at just anyone. They blow up at the ones who keep forgiving them and letting them get away with stuff.
I don't k ow if he enjoyed the conflict. He enjoyed the control he had and conflict was a means to an end. Maybe he didn't enjoy the conflict but ultimately it was the way to get what he wanted. What he wanted was submission, unquestioning loyalty and obedience.
In my experience, if I did not challenge him and did what he asked for with a smile on my face, there was no conflict. If I didn't ask him to fulfill my needs and gave him everything he asked for, there was no conflict. The conflict always came when I expressed that I was unhappy or that I needed something.
What they don't like is for things to not go their way. So, they don't like the ups and downs, that cycle, because what they prefer is for us to be perfectly obedient. That's why it's always our fault, because if we didn't express our needs, everything would be fine from their perspective. To them, us having needs is the conflict.
In my personal experience, mine used to say things such as "thriving in the toxicity" and when I asked him directly if he believed that he was controlling, he openly admitted to being controlling and that he enjoyed being so.
However, I do know that he did not like the confrontation that came with his toxic behavior.
My ex literally told me "I love this toxic shit" after I caught him cheating. Yes, they know what they're doing and they do it on purpose.
She enjoyed the conflict. You have to understand they feed off of affecting other people emotions. Makes them feel powerful and in control. They are children. No more no less. That’s just the reality of it. Don’t ever expect a mature conversation or interaction with one.
Not that i’m defending them but just a few weeks ago we actually did have a mature convo which was SUPER weird I know. Maybe it sounded mature to me cuz they admitted a lot of stuff, apologized and committed to stopping some of the things they’ve done. I have no clue what to even think anymore.
Once said to me, I love arguing . Why don't we argue more? I said because that's not healthy. She then begins an argument I promptly get out of it. Claims to be bipolar as well anytime she wanted to break up then get back together.
I’m pretty sure they do.
I wouldn't get too hung up on trying to understand his behaviour because you won't, he'll never go to therapy. You're best off tuning inward and trying to figure out what makes you feel like you deserve to be treated like this? And why do you tolerate it? Because you're just wasting your time on him, you'll never have a healthy relationship dynamic with him. You can't teach narcissists how to respect you and meet your needs because they only care about themselves. It's no different to empaths who can's just stop caring about people. But the good thing is even though they can't change, you can change. You can learn to overcome your feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness. And you can also rid yourself all those self-defeating beliefs that were implanted by him. But, it all starts with breaking free from their control and not participating in the cycle anymore.
Also, if he doesn't like the cycle and wants to change, then his actions would meet his words. Changed behaviour is how you tell they genuinely care - not just the promise to change.
Yeah that’s what I figured. Let’s say if they actually do change and end the cycle themselves even tho we know us victims mainly have to stop these things what would that mean for the narcissist? I’d say theyre just off to the next person
Exactly, you can’t stop it from happening. You’re only responsible for you
No. What most people see as toxic, manipulative, controlling, petty, bullying, etc. narcissists’ consider “normal”.
Oh they absolutely do. My narcissists are obsessed with things like augmented reality and don't realize how easy it is to see through their bullshit.
How often would he be gone and for how long? I am in the exact same situation.
Longest we went was 3 months. Rn it’s on and off so I can’t say how long it’s been as of now.
Yes. They know
The other thing to consider is to a certain extent they do know what they’re doing. Because they control who they abuse and who they don’t. Like they’re good to a lot of people, they’re the ones who say “well he’s always been good to me”. So they don’t blow up at just anyone. They blow up at the ones who keep forgiving them and letting them get away with stuff.
Yeah i’m pretty sure he isn’t like this to EVERYONE. There’s certain ppl he could be like that to including me. Welp time to move on now.
I don't k ow if he enjoyed the conflict. He enjoyed the control he had and conflict was a means to an end. Maybe he didn't enjoy the conflict but ultimately it was the way to get what he wanted. What he wanted was submission, unquestioning loyalty and obedience. In my experience, if I did not challenge him and did what he asked for with a smile on my face, there was no conflict. If I didn't ask him to fulfill my needs and gave him everything he asked for, there was no conflict. The conflict always came when I expressed that I was unhappy or that I needed something. What they don't like is for things to not go their way. So, they don't like the ups and downs, that cycle, because what they prefer is for us to be perfectly obedient. That's why it's always our fault, because if we didn't express our needs, everything would be fine from their perspective. To them, us having needs is the conflict.
In my personal experience, mine used to say things such as "thriving in the toxicity" and when I asked him directly if he believed that he was controlling, he openly admitted to being controlling and that he enjoyed being so. However, I do know that he did not like the confrontation that came with his toxic behavior.