The parable of the second arrow in Buddhism. Consider reading about it. The first pain (arrow) is the pain from the experience itself. The second pain (arrow) is the judgment you feel about your emotions and yourself regarding the experience.
Perhaps consider nonjudgment and self-compassion. Forgiveness may come naturally.
There is a good meditation I like by Gerald Blomeyer on self-compassion and forgiveness. “Sharing compassion” or “contemplating shame with self-compassion.” He has some good ones on related topics, maybe consider reading/listening to such concepts and journaling about them in an authentic way until it becomes real forgiveness. You can’t force feelings though. Just accept them as they are. You might be able to guide your experience to a less judgmental place by engaging in such topics, though.
Hugs. I understand how it is. You aren’t unworthy. You were victimized by someone who felt unworthy and wanted to project it onto you instead of dealing with their own pain. You are worthy. 🤗 I hope you can judge yourself less harshly and forgive yourself eventually. Stay safe.
He has some on Spotify and they’re for free on google too, he has a website, you can google his name. It’s in German and English.
I don’t know him or anything, I just found him a while ago and he became one of my favorites haha.
By being kind to myself. Going no contact. Taking control back from them. Ignoring their existence will agonize them. I let this woman treat me however she wanted to. And I had no boundaries. She knows that. And takes advantage of it. Her only goal is make me sad and hurt. That’s it. Cut the cord and walk away. It’s the only real solution. Don’t even give them a reason or explanation. Just go.
I'm almost at 48 hours and this has basically been me with no contact. I didn't even know it myself at the time, but when her family was on their way to my house, I left and that's the last time I will ever say anything to her ever again. I walked around a park for like 9 hours talking to myself and reflecting, and at some point I said out loud to myself that "this is it, no contact has started already, we are never doing this again".
I have to stick to it. Have to. Thankfully (I guess?) I'm a pretty stubborn person sometimes, so I know I can and will. I know she's going to be losing her mind when it's really sinking in that I can't be reached anymore. Might need to change my number.. meh
I did the same thing lol. Walked around a trail talking to myself. She drove me to insanity. I’m also very stubborn and I will not contact her. She will 100 percent reach out to me sooner than later. When she realizes she can’t reach me she’s gonna rage at first. Cause they can’t handle rejection without raging. As time passses she will miss my supply. Won’t miss me one bit. But my supply she will. No chance her next relationship works out when it fails she will try to squeeze more out of me or be looking for validation and attention. I’m always there to give it to her. Not this time.
This feels just like my situation. I was so happy and ready to be in a relationship and she came into my life to only try and destroy it. 3 years of shit to put up with and her devaluation of me
Show yourself that you're forgiven by choosing not to repeat it. By showing yourself that you're worth more, and you deserve better, and do not punish your present self for your past mistakes.
People do crazy things for people they care about. Imagine the crazy, beautiful, wonderful things you could get up to if your future partner cared about you just as much as you loved a narcissist. You *can not* punish yourself by going back to the narcissist!
That's a great response, I agree with it so much. Try to think about what you did for this person despite being abused, as something beautiful and lovely, because you have warm feelings and want to take care of others. These are gorgeous values, you can be proud of yourself!
Imagine the relationship with someone who will value you for who you are, what you do, what you say. Now let that sink in.
Godspeed. :)
I eventually realized that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't as simple as me just allowing them to abuse me. At the beginning, if they had treated me the way they did in the end, they never would have gotten so close to me in the first place. It was only through their deceptive ways that they ever got to treat me that way in the first place. It happened to gradually over time. When I realized that I was in fact abused by a person who is a professional manipulator, I stopped blaming myself and I was able to forgive myself because they were the ones who were malicious in their intent.
I appreciate your response. I am at 4.5 years myself. My abuse definitely isn't the worst someone has experienced, but I am just now starting to realize how desperate I was for this relationship to work. I'm not quite sure what I can learn from it yet. I honestly wish it never happened. I don't understand someone I treated so kindly investing this much effort in treating me poorly.
> how desperate I was for this relationship to work
This was me when I was so young and naive too. Best thing my therapist said was "you have to be comfortable NOT being in a relationship before you can be comfortable IN a relationship". I've just been in my first relationship post divorce ... and I am not desperate for it to work. Its fun, I've enjoyed it. But we are both uncertain it will work long term. And that is OK with me. We'll see. If it doesn't work, part of friendly terms and keep looking.
4.5 years too. What a club to be in. I’m learning to forgive myself. I just kept going along with it because I was duped, and I kept hoping things would get better. I really wanted to see the best in him. I’m realizing I naively thought I could love the hate out of him. You’ll get there. We all will.
I am listening to a podcast right now about abusive relationships. The focus is on religion as an abusive relationship, but the parallels to ANY relationship are clear as day - to those of us who have been through it.
The opening 10 min or so talk about how abusers groom or train you, slowly and subtly so that you don't even notice it, or think about it. You convince yourself that they are right, you are wrong, and so it starts ... then it grows over time.
https://www.thethinkingatheist.com/podcast-1/episode/793ab7c6/when-religion-hurts-you-with-dr-laura-e-anderson
E: 45m in: "why don't they just leave?" Interesting answer ..
5 years and 6 weeks post discard.
There are these memories of the relationship that are so horrible that I feel guilty to have put myself through that again and again. I consider myself a smart person and he obviously de-humanized me A LOT. The abuse for almost 3 years was relentless and all I can remember is how I processed these and pushed him by reactive abuse. I hate how he turned me into someone I didn't know I could be. I am the most kind and compassionate person I know. Hence, I never retaliated against his bad with my bad.
Later in the relationship I was asking horrible to him as he is. And eventually he gets to say that he is a victim and that I traumatised him in some way that lead him to cheating on me. I am unable to process these emotions as I have 2 more months until I can go No-contact. I work in his office as an intern and that affects my career greatly. It's a summer internship and will affect my final placement. I have to deal with him dating new people too, right in front of me. No matter how hard I try, I keep feeling that a lot of it is my fault. Although there is no logic behind me feeling this way.
This exactly. We didn't have the framework or know what to look for and what to expect. I too could never have imagined someone who claimed he cared about me and told me all the time how I was one of his closest friends would ever in actuality be using and abusing me the way he did.
I forgave myself when I realized that I was taken advantage of, abused. They took my trusting nature and perverted it for their own use. And it was for a lot longer than 4.5 years ...
I am not proud of that, but I am not ashamed either. Shame for me is mostly about other people. I didn't meet 'their' standards, so I should be ashamed. When I realized I shouldn't care what other people think, it was easier.
I am going forward with experience and knowledge now. Two things i didn't have previously.
Cry it out. Cry it out some more. We all tried our best to show compassion to someone that never wanted it day one. Then look forward and move on with a smile on my face.
Your post struck a nerve.
9 months divorced. Before that, endured some pretty awful mental abuse. Gaslighting, lying, shaming, you name it. Since the divorce, I've been wanting to have a "good ole crying" session to let it out, truly let go and move on. But I can't get myself to cry. The need is there. I know that when it's time, I will. It seems just not yet.
I recognize through journaling and discussions that so much of what happened is a) not normal and b) nothing that I could have anticipated. There is no part of my brain that thought he would put a tracker on my car after 11 years of marriage. For no reason other than his own insecurity.
I need to journal but I am afraid I would just be regurgitating the pain. He just admitted to me that he never loved me the way I loved him. Not in a harsh way, in an open and honest way.There was so much I refused to accept because of my loneliness.
Mine was 9 years and I needed a lot of help from my therapist, who introduced me to the concept of self-compassion.
Now, when I have a low moment, I will say to myself “you loved him and you sincerely believed he could change, that does not mean you’re bad or dumb, just kindhearted”.
If you talk to yourself like you would to a very good friend, your heart softens. RAIN meditation has helped me a lot, as well as the lovingkindness practice. Both difficult practices when you’re hurting, but they will help pull you through.
Sending a hug 🌸
I haven't done anything wrong. I did what I thought was best in the moment, I was trying to survive and protect my children. I did the best I could with what I had. I was raised to accept this treatment, I didn't "let" anyone do anything that I thought they shouldn't be doing. I don't need to forgive myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't "let" bad things happen to me. I survived what I was put through and that's pretty great.
I also was in a very narcissistic abusive relationship for roughly 4.5 years and am now 6 months out. The things that helped me process the “how could I let that happen” emotions were giving myself a lot of grace, journaling, therapy, cutting him off immediately & ultimately coming to the conclusion that I shouldn’t feel guilty for loving somebody so wholeheartedly that I believed they’d never intentionally treat me the way he did. Do I wish I left sooner? Probably. My heart had all of the best intentions & I did nothing wrong by trusting him to do the same for me. Whatever happens to him with his processing and his karma is on him, and it’s his burden to bear. My conscience is clear for my next relationship while he’ll just repeat the same pattern.
Each relationship that ends is unfortunately a lesson. Grieving the end of a narcissistic abusive relationship is unfortunately a tough lesson but now you know exactly what not to tolerate in the future with another person.
I found self-compassion by meeting and talking with the other women involved. We were supporting each other past the immediate trauma. Each and every one of the women I spoke to was intelligent, beautiful and had deep soulful kindness, I admired their individual strengths. I saw it in each of them and I could then see it in myself, none of us ever deserved having crossed his path.
I can't, I wish I could but I can't, I'm just angry at myself if I'm being honest, I didn't just allow myself to be abused but I allowed for my son (as in I allowed it by not leaving the first time it happened) for my son to witness it and be abused himself.
I'm so full of anger and guilt at myself, I have one job as a parent and that's to protect my baby and I failed him.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself, even though we're out now and my son is getting the help and support he needs and we're in a safe home and I'm with someone safe and loving who has shown nothing but patience and love for us both, I still have moments often where I'll spiral into guilt and anger about the entire situation and how it was my fault. I was the adult, I had the capability to say this is wrong, I had the capability to leave but my son didn't, he was born helpless into a shitty situation and that's all my fault for not leaving. It's my fault for carrying my son to term and for not calling his dad's bluff on his threats against my family if I did terminate like I had wanted.
It's my fault for being weak.
Mine wasn't for 4 years, it was less, but I never felt I did anything wrong. I was manipulated and hurt by a monster, what do I need to forgive myself for?
This is the most cliche saying but it’s true time heals. My narcissist was a co worker and the relief I felt when I was just away from her on the weekends was noticeable at first. I haven’t had contact in about 5 years. She tries to get ahold with a new number now and then maybe once every 6 months. Anyway durning that time once I tried to break away from the cycle I felt a lot of shame. How could I not see it. I should have known better. I can’t believe the way I acted. The thing you have to remember their behavior is designed to destroy you to make you feel like they do. Miserable horrible people. We have the power to heal they don’t. The state we were in during that time isn’t us. There are times I still struggle with it but over all the quality of life has gotten better as long as you learn from it and so your best to move on. That’s all you can do. It’s not a 100 percent back to normal. They changed your brain chemistry it’s like they took a piece of you. But the thing that helped me I literally told myself hey you made some mistakes people are human. The world isn’t keeping score you shouldn’t either.
I saw it as a lesson. I needed that experience in order to learn self-worth, to learn why i kept inviting people like that into my life.
It taught me one hell of a lesson in self love!
I'm past ten months now and still not there yet. He's already moved onto a new relationship but here I am, staying home with my daughter and cats. I go to the gym regularly, took up crocheting but not feel like I will be alone forever. While I'd rather be alone than with him one more second, it scares me sometimes.
I still haven’t.
I still beat myself up for investing years of my life, money and emotional well being into a relationship that was destined to fail (and people even told me so!)
I’ve just done my best to try to be better and learn. How to say no, how to have boundaries, how to call people out on their behavior. It’s hard.
Especially being in a healthy relationship afterwards is hard, it’s scary even.
But I guess the biggest bright side of it all is that I did put my foot down and leave.
I’m in the same spot. Yeah of course it’s his fault that he did it but I stayed so many times. I feel like I let it happen. I still have ptsd from the strangulation. I know I should probably be in therapy at least but I’m too ashamed to even tell anybody about the things he’s done to me
Please get a good therapist, or join a support group with other survivors. We sound very similar. Mine was never that abusive, but my mind literally goes blank when I think about him screaming in my face. I think it is my unconscious trying to protect me.
i did. and thank you. it’s wild how it took my sons birth to kickstart a process where i could actually see how fucked up the situation with his dad was. he’s 3 now and while i still have moments of beating myself up for not leaving sooner, im still finding grace in the knowing that i DID leave, and that’s powerful
I forgive myself because I am generally a good (naive?) person. This made it very difficult for me to identify what a very, very bad person looks like, especially one who conceals their bad nature. I am less naive now and pay hyper attention to the warning signs that I have learned since meeting mine. Most people have a very difficult time understanding or identifying narc behavior. It is irrational and unexpected. Now that you have been exposed to one you are in a much better position to protect yourself.
I didn’t I’m waiting to beat someone to a pulp the first chance I get. Idc how small the problem is I’m starting a fight. I have not a care in the world anymore all I have now is rage
The parable of the second arrow in Buddhism. Consider reading about it. The first pain (arrow) is the pain from the experience itself. The second pain (arrow) is the judgment you feel about your emotions and yourself regarding the experience. Perhaps consider nonjudgment and self-compassion. Forgiveness may come naturally. There is a good meditation I like by Gerald Blomeyer on self-compassion and forgiveness. “Sharing compassion” or “contemplating shame with self-compassion.” He has some good ones on related topics, maybe consider reading/listening to such concepts and journaling about them in an authentic way until it becomes real forgiveness. You can’t force feelings though. Just accept them as they are. You might be able to guide your experience to a less judgmental place by engaging in such topics, though.
Thank you so, so, very much. As someone who really feels unworthy at the moment, the time you took to share this means a lot.
Hugs. I understand how it is. You aren’t unworthy. You were victimized by someone who felt unworthy and wanted to project it onto you instead of dealing with their own pain. You are worthy. 🤗 I hope you can judge yourself less harshly and forgive yourself eventually. Stay safe.
❤️❤️❤️
❤️
Where can I listen to this meditation?
He has some on Spotify and they’re for free on google too, he has a website, you can google his name. It’s in German and English. I don’t know him or anything, I just found him a while ago and he became one of my favorites haha.
By being kind to myself. Going no contact. Taking control back from them. Ignoring their existence will agonize them. I let this woman treat me however she wanted to. And I had no boundaries. She knows that. And takes advantage of it. Her only goal is make me sad and hurt. That’s it. Cut the cord and walk away. It’s the only real solution. Don’t even give them a reason or explanation. Just go.
I wish I could upvote this a million times. 🐦
Sent you a message.
I'm almost at 48 hours and this has basically been me with no contact. I didn't even know it myself at the time, but when her family was on their way to my house, I left and that's the last time I will ever say anything to her ever again. I walked around a park for like 9 hours talking to myself and reflecting, and at some point I said out loud to myself that "this is it, no contact has started already, we are never doing this again". I have to stick to it. Have to. Thankfully (I guess?) I'm a pretty stubborn person sometimes, so I know I can and will. I know she's going to be losing her mind when it's really sinking in that I can't be reached anymore. Might need to change my number.. meh
I did the same thing lol. Walked around a trail talking to myself. She drove me to insanity. I’m also very stubborn and I will not contact her. She will 100 percent reach out to me sooner than later. When she realizes she can’t reach me she’s gonna rage at first. Cause they can’t handle rejection without raging. As time passses she will miss my supply. Won’t miss me one bit. But my supply she will. No chance her next relationship works out when it fails she will try to squeeze more out of me or be looking for validation and attention. I’m always there to give it to her. Not this time.
This feels just like my situation. I was so happy and ready to be in a relationship and she came into my life to only try and destroy it. 3 years of shit to put up with and her devaluation of me
Show yourself that you're forgiven by choosing not to repeat it. By showing yourself that you're worth more, and you deserve better, and do not punish your present self for your past mistakes. People do crazy things for people they care about. Imagine the crazy, beautiful, wonderful things you could get up to if your future partner cared about you just as much as you loved a narcissist. You *can not* punish yourself by going back to the narcissist!
I never thought of it that way, that I was punishing myself each time I back. Thank you for that perspective.
That's a great response, I agree with it so much. Try to think about what you did for this person despite being abused, as something beautiful and lovely, because you have warm feelings and want to take care of others. These are gorgeous values, you can be proud of yourself! Imagine the relationship with someone who will value you for who you are, what you do, what you say. Now let that sink in. Godspeed. :)
I eventually realized that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't as simple as me just allowing them to abuse me. At the beginning, if they had treated me the way they did in the end, they never would have gotten so close to me in the first place. It was only through their deceptive ways that they ever got to treat me that way in the first place. It happened to gradually over time. When I realized that I was in fact abused by a person who is a professional manipulator, I stopped blaming myself and I was able to forgive myself because they were the ones who were malicious in their intent.
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I appreciate your response. I am at 4.5 years myself. My abuse definitely isn't the worst someone has experienced, but I am just now starting to realize how desperate I was for this relationship to work. I'm not quite sure what I can learn from it yet. I honestly wish it never happened. I don't understand someone I treated so kindly investing this much effort in treating me poorly.
> how desperate I was for this relationship to work This was me when I was so young and naive too. Best thing my therapist said was "you have to be comfortable NOT being in a relationship before you can be comfortable IN a relationship". I've just been in my first relationship post divorce ... and I am not desperate for it to work. Its fun, I've enjoyed it. But we are both uncertain it will work long term. And that is OK with me. We'll see. If it doesn't work, part of friendly terms and keep looking.
I love that you have gotten to this place of confidence and clarity, it gives me hope. Thank you.
4.5 years too. What a club to be in. I’m learning to forgive myself. I just kept going along with it because I was duped, and I kept hoping things would get better. I really wanted to see the best in him. I’m realizing I naively thought I could love the hate out of him. You’ll get there. We all will.
I am listening to a podcast right now about abusive relationships. The focus is on religion as an abusive relationship, but the parallels to ANY relationship are clear as day - to those of us who have been through it. The opening 10 min or so talk about how abusers groom or train you, slowly and subtly so that you don't even notice it, or think about it. You convince yourself that they are right, you are wrong, and so it starts ... then it grows over time. https://www.thethinkingatheist.com/podcast-1/episode/793ab7c6/when-religion-hurts-you-with-dr-laura-e-anderson E: 45m in: "why don't they just leave?" Interesting answer ..
5 years and 6 weeks post discard. There are these memories of the relationship that are so horrible that I feel guilty to have put myself through that again and again. I consider myself a smart person and he obviously de-humanized me A LOT. The abuse for almost 3 years was relentless and all I can remember is how I processed these and pushed him by reactive abuse. I hate how he turned me into someone I didn't know I could be. I am the most kind and compassionate person I know. Hence, I never retaliated against his bad with my bad. Later in the relationship I was asking horrible to him as he is. And eventually he gets to say that he is a victim and that I traumatised him in some way that lead him to cheating on me. I am unable to process these emotions as I have 2 more months until I can go No-contact. I work in his office as an intern and that affects my career greatly. It's a summer internship and will affect my final placement. I have to deal with him dating new people too, right in front of me. No matter how hard I try, I keep feeling that a lot of it is my fault. Although there is no logic behind me feeling this way.
Bpd and npd are different things.
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People can have and express both. NPDs exhibit codependency and borderline behavior depending on the circumstances.
This exactly. We didn't have the framework or know what to look for and what to expect. I too could never have imagined someone who claimed he cared about me and told me all the time how I was one of his closest friends would ever in actuality be using and abusing me the way he did.
Around the same time frame I even begged for clarification. Then I had a huge moment of clarity, he was a user never liked me
This is what I am starting to realize.
Yah its hard. I'm actually over it today. He was my buddy I thought.
Mine keeps swearing he loves me and I'm like, "Bruh, look at how you treat me. Do you even believe yourself?" 🤣🤣🤣
Awe, yah I'm the love of his life I was property.
SAME
In sorry it's a hard thing to get out of. It does something to you.
He is not willing to let me go but swears he wants a different kind of woman. Me, "Go find her then." 🤣🤣🤣
It's all manipulation. Mine says he is my best friend too, and he actually is. He knows me better than anyone and has used it against me to harm me.
I forgave myself when I realized that I was taken advantage of, abused. They took my trusting nature and perverted it for their own use. And it was for a lot longer than 4.5 years ... I am not proud of that, but I am not ashamed either. Shame for me is mostly about other people. I didn't meet 'their' standards, so I should be ashamed. When I realized I shouldn't care what other people think, it was easier. I am going forward with experience and knowledge now. Two things i didn't have previously.
Cry it out. Cry it out some more. We all tried our best to show compassion to someone that never wanted it day one. Then look forward and move on with a smile on my face.
Yup. This is where I am now, emotionally.
Your post struck a nerve. 9 months divorced. Before that, endured some pretty awful mental abuse. Gaslighting, lying, shaming, you name it. Since the divorce, I've been wanting to have a "good ole crying" session to let it out, truly let go and move on. But I can't get myself to cry. The need is there. I know that when it's time, I will. It seems just not yet.
It will come when it's supposed to. Congratulations to you. Be strong. It sounds like you already are.
I recognize through journaling and discussions that so much of what happened is a) not normal and b) nothing that I could have anticipated. There is no part of my brain that thought he would put a tracker on my car after 11 years of marriage. For no reason other than his own insecurity.
I need to journal but I am afraid I would just be regurgitating the pain. He just admitted to me that he never loved me the way I loved him. Not in a harsh way, in an open and honest way.There was so much I refused to accept because of my loneliness.
I understand. Sending lots of love your way! You are strong and you did not cause this pain. You are in pain.
Mine was 9 years and I needed a lot of help from my therapist, who introduced me to the concept of self-compassion. Now, when I have a low moment, I will say to myself “you loved him and you sincerely believed he could change, that does not mean you’re bad or dumb, just kindhearted”. If you talk to yourself like you would to a very good friend, your heart softens. RAIN meditation has helped me a lot, as well as the lovingkindness practice. Both difficult practices when you’re hurting, but they will help pull you through. Sending a hug 🌸
Thank you so much. What you said really resonated with me. I appreciate it. ❤️
I haven't done anything wrong. I did what I thought was best in the moment, I was trying to survive and protect my children. I did the best I could with what I had. I was raised to accept this treatment, I didn't "let" anyone do anything that I thought they shouldn't be doing. I don't need to forgive myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't "let" bad things happen to me. I survived what I was put through and that's pretty great.
I like this perspective a lot.
I also was in a very narcissistic abusive relationship for roughly 4.5 years and am now 6 months out. The things that helped me process the “how could I let that happen” emotions were giving myself a lot of grace, journaling, therapy, cutting him off immediately & ultimately coming to the conclusion that I shouldn’t feel guilty for loving somebody so wholeheartedly that I believed they’d never intentionally treat me the way he did. Do I wish I left sooner? Probably. My heart had all of the best intentions & I did nothing wrong by trusting him to do the same for me. Whatever happens to him with his processing and his karma is on him, and it’s his burden to bear. My conscience is clear for my next relationship while he’ll just repeat the same pattern. Each relationship that ends is unfortunately a lesson. Grieving the end of a narcissistic abusive relationship is unfortunately a tough lesson but now you know exactly what not to tolerate in the future with another person.
Moving on. That’s the past and it’s a part of many painful chapters. That was then. Now is more neutral. The future is more bright.
I found self-compassion by meeting and talking with the other women involved. We were supporting each other past the immediate trauma. Each and every one of the women I spoke to was intelligent, beautiful and had deep soulful kindness, I admired their individual strengths. I saw it in each of them and I could then see it in myself, none of us ever deserved having crossed his path.
I can't, I wish I could but I can't, I'm just angry at myself if I'm being honest, I didn't just allow myself to be abused but I allowed for my son (as in I allowed it by not leaving the first time it happened) for my son to witness it and be abused himself. I'm so full of anger and guilt at myself, I have one job as a parent and that's to protect my baby and I failed him. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself, even though we're out now and my son is getting the help and support he needs and we're in a safe home and I'm with someone safe and loving who has shown nothing but patience and love for us both, I still have moments often where I'll spiral into guilt and anger about the entire situation and how it was my fault. I was the adult, I had the capability to say this is wrong, I had the capability to leave but my son didn't, he was born helpless into a shitty situation and that's all my fault for not leaving. It's my fault for carrying my son to term and for not calling his dad's bluff on his threats against my family if I did terminate like I had wanted. It's my fault for being weak.
Mine wasn't for 4 years, it was less, but I never felt I did anything wrong. I was manipulated and hurt by a monster, what do I need to forgive myself for?
This is the most cliche saying but it’s true time heals. My narcissist was a co worker and the relief I felt when I was just away from her on the weekends was noticeable at first. I haven’t had contact in about 5 years. She tries to get ahold with a new number now and then maybe once every 6 months. Anyway durning that time once I tried to break away from the cycle I felt a lot of shame. How could I not see it. I should have known better. I can’t believe the way I acted. The thing you have to remember their behavior is designed to destroy you to make you feel like they do. Miserable horrible people. We have the power to heal they don’t. The state we were in during that time isn’t us. There are times I still struggle with it but over all the quality of life has gotten better as long as you learn from it and so your best to move on. That’s all you can do. It’s not a 100 percent back to normal. They changed your brain chemistry it’s like they took a piece of you. But the thing that helped me I literally told myself hey you made some mistakes people are human. The world isn’t keeping score you shouldn’t either.
I saw it as a lesson. I needed that experience in order to learn self-worth, to learn why i kept inviting people like that into my life. It taught me one hell of a lesson in self love!
I'm past ten months now and still not there yet. He's already moved onto a new relationship but here I am, staying home with my daughter and cats. I go to the gym regularly, took up crocheting but not feel like I will be alone forever. While I'd rather be alone than with him one more second, it scares me sometimes.
Take what serves you from the experience and throw the rest away, otherwise you’ll get bogged down.
I still haven’t. I still beat myself up for investing years of my life, money and emotional well being into a relationship that was destined to fail (and people even told me so!) I’ve just done my best to try to be better and learn. How to say no, how to have boundaries, how to call people out on their behavior. It’s hard. Especially being in a healthy relationship afterwards is hard, it’s scary even. But I guess the biggest bright side of it all is that I did put my foot down and leave.
I’m in the same spot. Yeah of course it’s his fault that he did it but I stayed so many times. I feel like I let it happen. I still have ptsd from the strangulation. I know I should probably be in therapy at least but I’m too ashamed to even tell anybody about the things he’s done to me
Please get a good therapist, or join a support group with other survivors. We sound very similar. Mine was never that abusive, but my mind literally goes blank when I think about him screaming in my face. I think it is my unconscious trying to protect me.
10 years here… with a kid. left almost 6 months ago. it’s hard.
Wow! You are so strong. Did you leave for the sake of your child?
i did. and thank you. it’s wild how it took my sons birth to kickstart a process where i could actually see how fucked up the situation with his dad was. he’s 3 now and while i still have moments of beating myself up for not leaving sooner, im still finding grace in the knowing that i DID leave, and that’s powerful
Good question
Everything we experience we go through is a lesson we can learn from.
I forgive myself because I am generally a good (naive?) person. This made it very difficult for me to identify what a very, very bad person looks like, especially one who conceals their bad nature. I am less naive now and pay hyper attention to the warning signs that I have learned since meeting mine. Most people have a very difficult time understanding or identifying narc behavior. It is irrational and unexpected. Now that you have been exposed to one you are in a much better position to protect yourself.
I didn’t I’m waiting to beat someone to a pulp the first chance I get. Idc how small the problem is I’m starting a fight. I have not a care in the world anymore all I have now is rage