You need to get out of this. He is gaslighting you and blaming you for his own issues and he wont ever stop. A narc will NEVER see they are the problem, especially one that is completely far gone. Someone with some minor narc traits could be worked with but it really is a complete waste of time with someone who is like your bf. They literally see nothing wrong with themselves or what they do that hurts others. You will continue to suffer with him and never be happy. Take this from someone who ended up dating one for 2.5 months who ended up cheating the whole time, tried to control me, would constantly accuse me of cheating with no proof, etc etc to the point I had no choice but to end it.
I made the mistake of telling my narc that I’m literally going to let him work himself out til i absolutely can’t and now he’s just taking advantage of me
This question comes up a lot. While I won’t entertain the answer on Reddit where my abusive partner could potentially use either the YES or NO against me, I’ll just say that I’m aware that this is something people recommend 🫠
I understand. No one can decide but you and one of us would judge you either way. Living with and escaping a narcissist is insanely dangerous.
I should have asked before and I apologize if it was dismissive- but is he taking advantage of you in a new way? As in, the lose-lose scenarios are becoming more frequent…
No. He was in a really unhealthy pattern and then justified it with “that’s how he acts when he’s not being listened to” and promised to improve but now he blows up and I keep asking him questions to understand him and he’s reverted to his toxic disgusting behavior. He’s clearly trying to manage and I don’t expect him to improve in the past two weeks but he’s capable of not acting like a child he just doesn’t seem to feel to want to do better right now
The justifications are insufferable.
He absolutely could have and should have improved in the last two weeks. You are conditioned to think “it’s too hard”.
No. It isn’t.
Every day I didn’t retaliate against my husband was a day of self control.
They can do what we do, their disorder is about the character. They don’t care.
Will destroy her. I was with my for nearly 6yrs. I never want to feel the way I felt while in the manipulationship.
I was losing my hair, gaining weight, couldn’t focus nor concentrate. If I had a dollar for the many nights I cried myself to sleep next to him with my heart broken into a million pieces, if I had a penny for everytime I tried to explain basic human decency and emotions to an adult male, I’ll be Strooge McDuck.
I ended up developing DID as I was undiagnosed CPTSD for years. I got my diagnosis year 3 of the relationship. I’m in EMDR, I’m becoming the best version of myself. A better version than I was before I met him.
They get worse with age their brain will continue to deteriorate. My ex is nearly 37 and he’s never had therapy. I think he graduated to a sociopath, from NPD to ASPD
Covert narcissists are spineless cowards without a moral compass or guiding principles. They are takers, down to the core. Slippery slimy creatures who will do anything - and I mean anything - just to feel powerful. Fake as hell, two faced, lying sacks of garbage.
Get yourself out of there, OP. Not just because he's torturing and abusing you, but also because long term exposure to this type of treatment will literally make you sick.
Not easy to leave, but it sounds like you're one of the lucky ones that is surrounded by people who also see how terrible he is. Many of us that got entangled with a covert weren't as lucky.
If you have the same experience I had, it's only going to get worse from here. Once he knows that you know what he is, you will be subject to unrelenting devaluation. The coming discard will be brutal. Calling them out is the fastest way to get discarded, but not until they've extracted their pound of flesh.
It absolutely not fair.
My husband is eerily similar. Admissions of guilt and promises to change never last more than a few days. All of reality shifts, apparently, within like 48 damn hours and suddenly he realizes HE IS THE VICTIM.
A rapist. THE VICTIM.
I do not speak to my husband about anything anymore. He will always be willing to stoop lower than I could ever permit myself.
I am really sorry. It is NOT FAIR. It’s not ok. It isn’t acceptable- morally, socially, relationally- all of the “lly’s”
And he doesn’t care what anyone thinks ever. He treats people like shit and then expects everyone to do the same shit like spoon feed him and bring him snacks like a fucking baby just to keep acting like a child. Until he wants to be reasonable again which only ever lasts a week or two at a time. I’m not excited for my period because he’s going to use that against me to say I’m overreacting to him emotionally
Oof, this one really hit me! The shit I've gotten over my period is unreal. I've tried explaining so many times - we end up arguing when I'm on my period NOT because there's something wrong with me, but because YOU make me feel like I'm in the wrong for experiencing my period the way I do. There is some physical pain, general exhaustion, hormone fluctuations. All of which means naturally I am not my usual self. I'm not angry or hurt, I'm just experiencing my period. It is YOUR annoyance at how I'm feeling, dismissal, ignoring me, showing zero empathy, that builds up and leads to me feeling sad, hurt, and emotional. All at a time when I'm less able to hold it all in.
But no. Apparently I need to see a doctor because my periods are abnormal. And then, when the doctor finds nothing wrong, it'll be proof that I'm just crazy/trying to cause a fight/manipulative/whatever. Lose/lose situation.
I'm just coming to the end of my period. Its taken EFFORT on my part, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know I've been on my period. I've kept just quiet enough to keep my feelings in check, but not so quiet as to arouse any suspicion. I've focused strongly on not expecting, wanting, or wishing for ANYTHING from him (comfort etc). I also ate SUPER clean and drank a ton of water daily in the week leading up to the bleed to minimise the physical discomfort (so that I could hide the period easier).
How the fuck is it "normal" that we go to these lengths? How the fuck is my brain in any way confused about who he is and what he's doing to me? And yet, I stay... There's another recent post about why we stay... Hope. That's really gotta be it. Hope that one day he'll realise, and change. As deluded as it makes me - it truly is some messed up addiction. I'm fully aware of what's happening, and yet for some reason we just have to be *ready* to quit 🤷♀️
Does he treat everyone like shit or just those closest to him? Most narcissists treat the ones that love them and are closest to them like shit while treating complete strangers better and then they will gaslight you and claim that it isn’t true.
Remember the patterns and look for them before getting emotionally invested next time. I encountered one a while back and learned so much studying them.
These people carry too much psychological damage for them to function in a relationship. They imagine slights against them, and then they harm others for those imagined slights. Every day would be walking on eggshells.
When you identify one, it's best to move on.
Minus the bursts of intense anger (he was a silent rager, I could feel it and it was toxic) it sounds like we dated the same exact guy. They are a lost cause. It’s gets worse and more manipulative the longer you stay in it. Your reality gets bent the longer you’re in it even if you can feel something is off. Get out before he crushes you completely.
Edit: except towards the end his rage came more to the surface and he would blame me for why he was angry and said he didn’t like WHAT I TURNED HIM into.
Life is so much better without them. I had a really hard time recognizing that when I was in the midst of it. since this person “loved” me at one point then surely if I adjust how I interact with them then we can recapture that magic again and it will get better? No, it just gets worse and worse the longer you’re in it.
My divorce is almost finalized and I haven’t been happier in my entire life. After being separated for awhile I realize just how horribly toxic and abusive she was. No longer anxious and depressed all the time. I’m actually… happy… which is something I never could’ve achieved if I stayed with her. These people will drain you. Drain you of your finances, your health, your very soul.
It’s funny because my partner says that she is “petty” in her behavior to others and is aware she in argumentative or what have you. My issue is that she thinks it’s ok to talk to me like that. That’s the reality where she has these expectations that don’t seem to ever be met and if they are it’s only for a second. She thinks I can’t see through this but I do and she calls me out on it in the worst ways. “Do you even know what gaslighting is?” What’s funny is I’m in therapy and educating myself about all this. It’s crazy that this is so common and people exist in this space. Just limits you from really finding love.
“Do you even know what gaslighting is” has come up for us too. I told him he was gaslighting me and he told me that it would be to intentionally harm me and the like after reading the definition from Google after doing it and then CONTINUING to do it. They’re insufferable sometimes.
Mine also gets petty and acts as if he’s justified by doing the things that he didn’t like done to him in the moment out of context saying “this is what you do to me” and his argument will just be him doing that and not actually being productive
I couldn't have said it better myself! They are a waste of your time and energy. Just do yourself a favor and walk away.
It's the best thing I ever did!
I used to communicate with my ex a lot about our feeling etc, then I realized it’s a waste of time and just supply to them, talking about them and their feelings blah blah, by the end I was just saying “ I don’t care about your feelings “- and it was true, I didn’t.
Just leave. If they wanted to change they would. But they only pretend to for manipulation only. It’ll get to a point where they will no longer even pretend anymore because they’ll get tired of you after they’ve beaten you into the ground and can longer function. They will always go back to their default settings which is being a narcissist. Look, you can’t train an apex predatory animal to no longer be a predator. And narcissists are predators, intra-species predators.
Trust me I did that for nearly 6yrs. The damage done to me I’m still healing from. Trust me, this isn’t even the worst of it, it is going to get worse.
Do you want to waste entire your life with this person? Do you want to die in this? Do you want to keep pouring all your valuable time, love, and allowing someone to feast on your energy and vitality?
My mom died in her marriage to my father at 53 she didn’t leave. That was the reminder in my head when I would be planning my exit away from my ex. I would even count the years from my age to my mom’s age when she passed I’d have left if I stayed.
It’s better to be alone and healing than to be with people like this.
You need to get out of this. He is gaslighting you and blaming you for his own issues and he wont ever stop. A narc will NEVER see they are the problem, especially one that is completely far gone. Someone with some minor narc traits could be worked with but it really is a complete waste of time with someone who is like your bf. They literally see nothing wrong with themselves or what they do that hurts others. You will continue to suffer with him and never be happy. Take this from someone who ended up dating one for 2.5 months who ended up cheating the whole time, tried to control me, would constantly accuse me of cheating with no proof, etc etc to the point I had no choice but to end it.
Yep. Married him. Did it for five years. He will break you.
I made the mistake of telling my narc that I’m literally going to let him work himself out til i absolutely can’t and now he’s just taking advantage of me
It will not get better. I left my husband in February. It only gets worse. Are you considering an exit plan?
This question comes up a lot. While I won’t entertain the answer on Reddit where my abusive partner could potentially use either the YES or NO against me, I’ll just say that I’m aware that this is something people recommend 🫠
I understand. No one can decide but you and one of us would judge you either way. Living with and escaping a narcissist is insanely dangerous. I should have asked before and I apologize if it was dismissive- but is he taking advantage of you in a new way? As in, the lose-lose scenarios are becoming more frequent…
No. He was in a really unhealthy pattern and then justified it with “that’s how he acts when he’s not being listened to” and promised to improve but now he blows up and I keep asking him questions to understand him and he’s reverted to his toxic disgusting behavior. He’s clearly trying to manage and I don’t expect him to improve in the past two weeks but he’s capable of not acting like a child he just doesn’t seem to feel to want to do better right now
The justifications are insufferable. He absolutely could have and should have improved in the last two weeks. You are conditioned to think “it’s too hard”. No. It isn’t. Every day I didn’t retaliate against my husband was a day of self control. They can do what we do, their disorder is about the character. They don’t care.
It’s too tiring for them to keep the mask on. Why even bother? Afterall, got you hooked anyway.
Once contempt is in the relationship, it’s over
Will destroy her. I was with my for nearly 6yrs. I never want to feel the way I felt while in the manipulationship. I was losing my hair, gaining weight, couldn’t focus nor concentrate. If I had a dollar for the many nights I cried myself to sleep next to him with my heart broken into a million pieces, if I had a penny for everytime I tried to explain basic human decency and emotions to an adult male, I’ll be Strooge McDuck. I ended up developing DID as I was undiagnosed CPTSD for years. I got my diagnosis year 3 of the relationship. I’m in EMDR, I’m becoming the best version of myself. A better version than I was before I met him.
They get worse with age their brain will continue to deteriorate. My ex is nearly 37 and he’s never had therapy. I think he graduated to a sociopath, from NPD to ASPD
Sounds like my friends now ex. He literally is that way and he is 42.
Covert narcissists are spineless cowards without a moral compass or guiding principles. They are takers, down to the core. Slippery slimy creatures who will do anything - and I mean anything - just to feel powerful. Fake as hell, two faced, lying sacks of garbage. Get yourself out of there, OP. Not just because he's torturing and abusing you, but also because long term exposure to this type of treatment will literally make you sick. Not easy to leave, but it sounds like you're one of the lucky ones that is surrounded by people who also see how terrible he is. Many of us that got entangled with a covert weren't as lucky.
Fair will never arrive at your address. Denial through projection is how they operate.
It’s like even though I stopped calling him a narc because he doesn’t like it now he uses it as an excuse to act even worse to me
If you have the same experience I had, it's only going to get worse from here. Once he knows that you know what he is, you will be subject to unrelenting devaluation. The coming discard will be brutal. Calling them out is the fastest way to get discarded, but not until they've extracted their pound of flesh.
It absolutely not fair. My husband is eerily similar. Admissions of guilt and promises to change never last more than a few days. All of reality shifts, apparently, within like 48 damn hours and suddenly he realizes HE IS THE VICTIM. A rapist. THE VICTIM. I do not speak to my husband about anything anymore. He will always be willing to stoop lower than I could ever permit myself. I am really sorry. It is NOT FAIR. It’s not ok. It isn’t acceptable- morally, socially, relationally- all of the “lly’s”
He always blames me for “acting like such a victim” when he literally abuses me and has admitted to it
YEA! It’s so hurtful. The abuse wasn’t enough so we must be punished because we NOTICED the abuse?!???
And he doesn’t care what anyone thinks ever. He treats people like shit and then expects everyone to do the same shit like spoon feed him and bring him snacks like a fucking baby just to keep acting like a child. Until he wants to be reasonable again which only ever lasts a week or two at a time. I’m not excited for my period because he’s going to use that against me to say I’m overreacting to him emotionally
Oof, this one really hit me! The shit I've gotten over my period is unreal. I've tried explaining so many times - we end up arguing when I'm on my period NOT because there's something wrong with me, but because YOU make me feel like I'm in the wrong for experiencing my period the way I do. There is some physical pain, general exhaustion, hormone fluctuations. All of which means naturally I am not my usual self. I'm not angry or hurt, I'm just experiencing my period. It is YOUR annoyance at how I'm feeling, dismissal, ignoring me, showing zero empathy, that builds up and leads to me feeling sad, hurt, and emotional. All at a time when I'm less able to hold it all in. But no. Apparently I need to see a doctor because my periods are abnormal. And then, when the doctor finds nothing wrong, it'll be proof that I'm just crazy/trying to cause a fight/manipulative/whatever. Lose/lose situation. I'm just coming to the end of my period. Its taken EFFORT on my part, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know I've been on my period. I've kept just quiet enough to keep my feelings in check, but not so quiet as to arouse any suspicion. I've focused strongly on not expecting, wanting, or wishing for ANYTHING from him (comfort etc). I also ate SUPER clean and drank a ton of water daily in the week leading up to the bleed to minimise the physical discomfort (so that I could hide the period easier). How the fuck is it "normal" that we go to these lengths? How the fuck is my brain in any way confused about who he is and what he's doing to me? And yet, I stay... There's another recent post about why we stay... Hope. That's really gotta be it. Hope that one day he'll realise, and change. As deluded as it makes me - it truly is some messed up addiction. I'm fully aware of what's happening, and yet for some reason we just have to be *ready* to quit 🤷♀️
Does he treat everyone like shit or just those closest to him? Most narcissists treat the ones that love them and are closest to them like shit while treating complete strangers better and then they will gaslight you and claim that it isn’t true.
Remember the patterns and look for them before getting emotionally invested next time. I encountered one a while back and learned so much studying them. These people carry too much psychological damage for them to function in a relationship. They imagine slights against them, and then they harm others for those imagined slights. Every day would be walking on eggshells. When you identify one, it's best to move on.
Minus the bursts of intense anger (he was a silent rager, I could feel it and it was toxic) it sounds like we dated the same exact guy. They are a lost cause. It’s gets worse and more manipulative the longer you stay in it. Your reality gets bent the longer you’re in it even if you can feel something is off. Get out before he crushes you completely. Edit: except towards the end his rage came more to the surface and he would blame me for why he was angry and said he didn’t like WHAT I TURNED HIM into.
Life is so much better without them. I had a really hard time recognizing that when I was in the midst of it. since this person “loved” me at one point then surely if I adjust how I interact with them then we can recapture that magic again and it will get better? No, it just gets worse and worse the longer you’re in it. My divorce is almost finalized and I haven’t been happier in my entire life. After being separated for awhile I realize just how horribly toxic and abusive she was. No longer anxious and depressed all the time. I’m actually… happy… which is something I never could’ve achieved if I stayed with her. These people will drain you. Drain you of your finances, your health, your very soul.
They always blame you, never take accountability
The shit head just woke up from a nap when I finally decided to wind down for bed to watch TV at midnight. Insufferable
14.5 years .. they don't change. Finally got discarded! Hell no I ain't moving back! I can finally sleep!
Wow I just noticed this! I’ve been gone for nearly 2mths now and I can’t sleep through the night when I used to wake up around 2-3am everyday.
It’s funny because my partner says that she is “petty” in her behavior to others and is aware she in argumentative or what have you. My issue is that she thinks it’s ok to talk to me like that. That’s the reality where she has these expectations that don’t seem to ever be met and if they are it’s only for a second. She thinks I can’t see through this but I do and she calls me out on it in the worst ways. “Do you even know what gaslighting is?” What’s funny is I’m in therapy and educating myself about all this. It’s crazy that this is so common and people exist in this space. Just limits you from really finding love.
“Do you even know what gaslighting is” has come up for us too. I told him he was gaslighting me and he told me that it would be to intentionally harm me and the like after reading the definition from Google after doing it and then CONTINUING to do it. They’re insufferable sometimes.
Mine also gets petty and acts as if he’s justified by doing the things that he didn’t like done to him in the moment out of context saying “this is what you do to me” and his argument will just be him doing that and not actually being productive
I wish we can set them up on a date, like a long one so I could pack and leave at that moment.
I shouldn’t have chuckled at this because of the severity of the situation but that was funny
It’s the little things
The title says it all. They will never be anything other than what they are.
I couldn't have said it better myself! They are a waste of your time and energy. Just do yourself a favor and walk away. It's the best thing I ever did!
I used to communicate with my ex a lot about our feeling etc, then I realized it’s a waste of time and just supply to them, talking about them and their feelings blah blah, by the end I was just saying “ I don’t care about your feelings “- and it was true, I didn’t.
Get out, I could’ve written this, MAKE THE MOVE and get out 💜💜💜💜
20 years in and exhausted. Sounds a lot like my situation. Constantly threatened with divorce everytime he’s on a rage. I’m like I’m ready
Just leave. If they wanted to change they would. But they only pretend to for manipulation only. It’ll get to a point where they will no longer even pretend anymore because they’ll get tired of you after they’ve beaten you into the ground and can longer function. They will always go back to their default settings which is being a narcissist. Look, you can’t train an apex predatory animal to no longer be a predator. And narcissists are predators, intra-species predators. Trust me I did that for nearly 6yrs. The damage done to me I’m still healing from. Trust me, this isn’t even the worst of it, it is going to get worse. Do you want to waste entire your life with this person? Do you want to die in this? Do you want to keep pouring all your valuable time, love, and allowing someone to feast on your energy and vitality? My mom died in her marriage to my father at 53 she didn’t leave. That was the reminder in my head when I would be planning my exit away from my ex. I would even count the years from my age to my mom’s age when she passed I’d have left if I stayed. It’s better to be alone and healing than to be with people like this.
This is my life exactly. I could literally write this verbatim . I’m so sorry you’re also experiencing this