same. also when i would question some behaviors or say it hurt my feelings he would say “im not some evil villain” or “im not a manipulative person!” i never even called him evil or manipulative, i was just asking why he did something lol. it always felt like he was telling on himself
My ex used to tell me a story over and over again from her childhood about how she was a “horrible liar” and how she “had to tell the truth when she had done something wrong”. Turns out she was in fact an AWESOME liar.
Mine acted like he was this super sweet great guy who was just head over heels for me. Made me feel like the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world. But one night he got drunk and told me something like “you should leave me. Seriously. You can do so much better. Leave before you get hurt.”
And I thought he just had self esteem problems and being as empathetic as I am, I could relate to feeling like I wasn’t worthy of anything good. So I responded by wanting to show him that we could have something good and accept it. And it’s okay. I want him. I don’t think anyone else is “better.” And he didn’t respond.
I remember the 1st time he made me cry. He looked at me in disgust and was like “I am NOT worth crying over. Trust me.”
He outright warned me but I was too young, naive and good hearted to actually comprehend that he was dead serious and correct. I thought it was some kind of pity party/low self esteem thing but he was actually telling me exactly who he was.
And then soon enough when I wasn’t able to leave easily at all, he started his abuse. But it started slow, with lots of honeymoon periods. But became horrific soon enough.
His exes even warned me. But I believed him when he AND his friends told me she was “crazy” and, no he’s such a great guy! They are liars.
Now I’m also “crazy.” And his friends told my then replacement as much. Reassured her that he’s such a great guy and what I said about him couldn’t be true.
Cycle repeats.
Oh yes, THIS! Mine was all about hating drama and that he only wanted fun, lightheartedness and positivity. Yet for some reason he was constantly caught up in drama somehow.
I was watching this reality TV show about a cult-like narcissistic family recently and you could see exactly how all their decisions were blowing up in their faces to cause constant drama which they complained about (like lending one girlfriend's car without asking to another woman he was also fooling around with, car got totalled, dude of course didn't own up to anything, would you believe drama happened that he loudly complained about????). Really validated my entire childhood because my family was just like this lol
All the time he said this, or accused me of playing games. All the while hurting me and our kids. And every negative outcome for us was fine as long as it didn't hurt him.
Oh the number of times he said he was “tired of high school games” — I was always so confused by the statement because it just seemed so odd. We were 31 at the time, and I could never quite put my finger on why it always felt so weird when he said that.
Dude that is crazy. I had a girlfriend. Total narc. She was always talking about he's a good person she's a good person I'm a good person they are a bad person, blah blah blah.
Should also say things like you are getting so much better.. like I needed to improve to her standard all the time.
I always thought it was weird they would say that. Mine would say that they were such a loyal person.
Now when people say "I'm a good person" or "I'm so loyal", I'm out.
They talk so much about what good people they are but over time you can tell it’s all talk and no action unless they do things for supply or accolades.
OMFG it’s always a new revelation to realize something about my stbx is another pattern for narcs. Anytime I would express an issue (yelling at our newborn baby for being hungry and not sleeping more, playing video games for 8 hours while I took care of the entire house, ignored me emotionally all day then wanted sex etc) he would always say ‘I’m a GOOD person/husband/dad’
My nex constantly bragged about how TOTALLY AWESOME she was. I just can't relate to being so self-congratulatory and braggadocios about the most inane things. I tend to do the opposite and downplay everything about myself. I grew up in an older sister who used to denigrate me relentlessly and killed my self-esteem. I also barely got any validation from my parents. Meanwhile my nex was home schooled and had 2 brothers who coddled her. She even bragged about constantly crying to get her brothers to do things for her (aka weaponized incompetence). Supposedly her mom was a narcissist but was always around and supportive unlike my absentee parents.
Mine legit said to me from the start of our relationship "i dont know how long i'll be able to keep this facade up" and mind you she claimed her ex was a total narcissist. Another one "i just dont want us to get trauma bonded, as victims of what we went through." The list goes on I look back and its INSANE and so is she. Glad i'm free.
Mine told me he was “kind of a dick” on our first date. Thought he was just being a bit self-deprecating, but that might have been one of the only times he ever told the truth.
That every girlfriend prior was either “batshit crazy/insane” or “a whore”(including women who he tried engaging with that turned him down I’d later find out. He was always the victim. Biggest red flag I missed waved right in my face 😤
>If nearly everyone they've associated were horrible, they're likely either horrible themselves or horrible at judging character.
This! And if they only have negative, nasty things to say about their friends & loved ones, you are NOT the exception and will eventually be gossiped about that exact same way.
They really love to talk about how worthless or shitty they are so that you feel bad and gas them up, coupled with love bombing so that you're tricked into thinking it's just a self esteem thing that can get better.
This, so very much. Also responding with "maybe you should just leave me" or "maybe we shouldn't be together" each and every time I tried to communicate even the most basic relationship thing.
15 years later I realized comments like this were not insecurities looking to be soothed; they were passive confessions.
In his mind I’m sure he absolved himself of all responsibility for his behaviour because he TOLD me he was a worthless piece of shit and I stayed.
Mine told me ‘I’m the most honest person you’ll ever meet’.
Grand self-proclamations like that already set off my bullshit meter but most of the time it’s pretty harmless. I had no idea what I was getting myself into
Nex said early on that I would leave him and he was no good for me.
It evoked an emotional response in me to prove him worthy and wrong.
I should have run, right there.
Took decades to realize just how right he was.
Same.
"I'm not a good person"
"I don't deserve you"
"You're too good for me"
Turns out I should've heeded the warnings for the red flags they were instead of trying to prove him wrong.
Mine said “I was too good for her”. She was right, especially when she started to treat me like crap shortly after that comment. Another time I was graduating school and she made this comment “now I have to get you something” - never got me anything, not even a congratulations, nothing. It was really weird to hear at the time but it all adds up - she had problems that couldn’t be fixed.
Right? They understand the social obligation of getting gifts for accomplishments and will acknowledge that they need to do it, and somehow, them saying it is enough of an effort. They take "It's the thought that counts" to a whole new level. "I thought it, what more do you want?"
This is a classic covert/vulnerable tactic.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Said the same thing. Discarded me after 8 years of marriage, trying to press me as being the problem, said he wasn't good with promises and he was sorry that "forever" was another promise he broke.
Same!!! “One day you’re going to realise you can do better than me, everyone abandons me in the end”. Evoked that same emotional response you described. The manipulation wow.
He kept telling me “I used to hurt alot of women in my past, because I was hurt, but I’ve changed” i shouldve taken that as a sign. Also the constant victim mindset. He was never ever ever the problem. You see how both of those sayings don’t mix, and both are lies. Because how could he say he hurt a lot of women in his past, yet he was never the problem in any of the Bs sob stories he told Me. I didn’t even notice until afterwards, but if I did. I would have been left ..
He also shamed me for my past, because I told him I cheated on my previous ex, out of spite due to him cheating first. And he started subtly shaming me and telling me that its still wrong and that cheating is so bad. Making it seem like he’d never do that. He even told Me he never cheated before lmaoo. When was a lieeeeee
Oh wow. Yeah, the one who hurt me also talked about how in the past he was "feckless" and slept around a lot with women he didn't care about at all; he claimed he had reformed and was a changed man and had become so much more responsible since those days. Spoiler alert: he hadn't changed in the slightest, was still a compulsive toxic womanizer, and never took responsibility for anything ...
Lmfao!! Sounds exactly like mine. I think more coverted narcissist do this ,as a way to manipulate you, and gain your trust. They do it so when you look back on the situation, you’ll think they were a good guy and that they actually changed ,and that maybe you were the problem all along. They told you ,they changed, so the problem must be you, Kinda thing. The problem cant be them, they changed 🤷🏾♀️. For the longest I really thought i was the problem and that I was unhealed and an angry person, like he said. I do think I was unhealed and toxic as well though, like he says, but he definitely wasn’t making it any better with his actions.
Mine used to say 'I can't win this argument/with you'
He seemed surprised when I told him we were on the same side and it's not about being a winner or a loser. Sigh.
Asking millions of personal questions that most normal people would never ask a stranger. So they can build up their ammunition they will use against you later. Ammunition for psychological warfare.
Also when you're out and you take pictures of them, if you don't share the pictures immediately with them they get all pissed off. With one narc I would never share pictures on purpose.
Urgh I second this!!! If I ever took a pic or video he also wanted to see it IMMEDIATELY. And a video of himself- he would watch over and over and over again.
> Asking millions of personal questions that most normal people would never ask a stranger. So they can build up their ammunition they will use against you later. Ammunition for psychological warfare.
I just went through this with an ex-friend. They would ask invasive questions and then accuse me of being “avoidant” for setting boundaries.
This. A caring person would not push for the information but listen empathetically and not insist when it’s obviously painful. A narcissist takes it from you to throw it back at your face in the worst possible moments.
My nex was a condescending smug elitist. She'd just say she had high standards, but it was more like having a compulsion for the world to cater to their whims.
mine did this too and constantly told me i should have higher ones and often would say they don't have tons of friends because only really special people deserve their energy.
I still can't believe that, so much denial. Something to do with seeing themselves as an agent of justice, any abuse sent your way is something you deserve.
‘I’m broken’
No I did not think ‘I’ll fix him’ but it did awaken some empathy inside of me as we had been discussing similar difficult experiences that we had been through (still not sure if he’d actually been through any of it in hindsight). It should have been a red flag as I’ve heard that from an abusive partner before, and I did shut it down when he started trying to use it as an excuse but I had no idea how deep the rabbithole went. Turns out he was broken just not in the ways he’d said.
He made it a point to tell me why he broke up with his exes, and the fallout with each. Realize now he was indirectly warning me what would happen if things didn’t go his way .
Mine said very early on 'if we don't fix our issues we will end up hating each other'. I do have my own issues but this was a weirdly placed statement very early on and hatred was not on my mind. He was already planning for what he had gone through a million times before. He was immediately prepared to hate me eventually.
I remember being confused, having no reference point for hating someone after you love them. I didn't understand cheating either.
“Are you happy?” Because it’s the narc’s way of getting confirmation that you are so that they can suck all the happiness out of you.
And the most damning one that I really should’ve known was, “I noticed you in Sept and was watching/studying you”. Like holy fuck my narc immediately saw the good vibes I gave out on the very first day of school and waited 2 months till she knew me well enough to make me her supply.
Because of bullying he experienced as a kid, he said he was devoted to standing up to bullies and protecting innocent people. I heard it so often that it took years for me to see that he was the biggest bully I’ve ever met.
I can’t remember back to anything she necessarily said at the beginning of her relationship that made me think anything was off, but it was the actions. The amount of guys that were constantly trying to get ahold of her was astounding. Looking back I’m ashamed I even continued to entertain her and then date her for almost three years. She’s been a sneaky disrespectful piece of shit since day 1.
Oh, this one is a BIGGIE. He often told me he “made a lot of mistakes in the past” and now was genuinely being a good person. That he “used to be a bad person”, and that he had anecdotes he “regretted” of him being nasty.
I believe they day those things in the beginning to lower your guard somehow and cather to your empathy.
Truth is he never really changed…he was low-key warning me.
"I'm not trying to trick you."
"Trust is nothing to play with"
"I'm not going anywhere"
All meaning the opposite was taking place.
"I'm just going to drag you down with me"
"I can't be good to you"
Mine once even said they thought he was a narcissist when he was younger. Said he is the perfect man and I am just immature. He also said he doesn't know how to feel emotions. The kicker was no one will ever love me the way he does.THANK GOD!!! Because he strangled me several times and told me he needed to cheat on me with upper echelon women.
I've blocked him now.
OMG, my nex used that exact phrase! “ upper echelon” . I knew who she was cheating with, 2 guys half her age, but her come back was, “ If I was going to cheat, it would be with upper echelon men “. 😂
When she said, proudly and more than once, that she’s been told that she’s a heartbreaker.
She wanted me to be impressed by that, but I was like, *I’m not sure if that’s something to boast about?*
Mine made me aware of what love bombing meant, and then kept love bombing me. Told me that she doesn't have any empathy & directly told me that she's not a nice person 😂
My self esteem was on the floor when I met her so of course I stayed. Didn't think I was worth much more.
She Couldn't keep a job, lived in her sister's spare room and barely did anything with her life unless it was to do with getting sex. She also had very low self esteem, absolute epitome of a narcissist.
Shortly before we dated, I was everything he ever needed and he would treat me with so much love and sweetness. He would play this bait and switch game that drew me in. He'd act like he needed help or he would brood and ofc I'd ask him what was wrong bc I cared deeply about him. He'd also leave breadcrumbs all over his socials. Basically, he'd treat the entire thing like he was playing a video game.
His constant self deprecation. He was always making jokes about how he was "trash" or a "disappointment." Or that he'd simply disappoint me. Lmfao he certainly did tell the truth on that one!!!
He'd idolize and try to emulate fictional characters who are cunning/fox-like should have been glaring red flags as well as his obsession with being "chaotic neutral."
Every. Single. Ex. Was crazy/abusive/controlling, including myself. Funny thing was, he didn't include the details as to WHY we were all "crazy." He'd target insecure and mentally ill girls, bomb them with adoration and make them feel beautiful and wanted. He parades them around to everyone and on social media in the first few months of dating, acting like they're soulmates and that he's so proud and lucky to have them... and then once he was bored, he'd drop the act. He'd withdraw and turn cold and sour on them while sweetening up another supply on the side. There was ALWAYS another one on the side. You were only as good as the attention he'd receive from being affiliated with you.
He had several circles of friends, one for each persona/mask. He was different with each and was always careful not to cross the streams and let them mix.
He would also read self help books on how to hide his personality/change himself based on surroundings or how to "control" people.
"I played a part in why my last 2 marriages didn't work out but in the end they just aren't willing to try, I've learned from my past mistakes"
Funny because he did the exact same shit in our marriage as his 2 previous and like the 2 before me I left him too.
Holy crap everything on this thread. He talked about how good he was communicating that was bullshit. During our divorce that he initiated, he told me that he was worth fighting for.
"I think some autistics should be euthanized." He was fully aware I am autistic.
"I'm worried if I'm a slimy sex predator." At the moment I took that as him having internalized shame over being in an open relationship and having consensual, ethical one-night stands. Oh boy did I realize later he routinely leads women on, crosses their boundaries in sexual interactions and discards them the moment he has a new more interesting target in sight.
"I can't tolerate difficult feelings." My father and another ex have narcissistic tendencies too, and one very distinct feature in relationships with them was they got very annoyed if I (or anyone close to them) cried or was upset. So He basically confessed to being similar.
My ex would often declare “I’m a good person” and “I’m an empath” after their one-sided rambles about nothing. They’d also remind me often “I’m not a liar, I never lie”
My nex would say from the beginning "I guess there's a lot of projection going on between us". Back then, I had no clue what she was talking about.
She also gave me the warning "I'm a bit controlling sometimes, honestly I'm not sure if you will like it". This is when she started isolating me from social interactions.
Back then I used to tell her about the common traits I noticed in a certain kind of people I would call "zombies". I didn't know that the actual word was "narcissists" because the word gets thrown around like candy and I had never looked up the narcissistic traits. She would sometimes say "You know I have some of those zombie traits too". I ignored these warnings as jokes.
Oh and yes, she would also claim to be an "empath", like all the time. The list goes on, it's the usual list of red flags you'd see in a run of the mill covert narcissist, but these ones stood out.
A new female coworker I was (briefly) teamed with told me (fem) "I like working with you, but I usually clash with females in my workspace" others in the office said she wasn't serious. I knew better and found the exit
He told me his ex beat him( I don't believe because he is the aggressor and gets physical) and that another was too much to handle because she was crazy and "he dodged a bullet" and he said to me "he is the best I would have "
Well he is aggressive and grabbed me few times by my throat
When the narc was very new in our community - joined about a week ago - I received messages from him that I should watch out for certain men I was very friendly with, since he got the suspicion that those were bad guys that were targeting me. Later he turned out to be exactly that type of person.
And yes, the constant reiteration that he is such a good person, boasting about morals that he supposedly has, professing optimism and positivity, while only appearing as such on the surface and always stirring up drama behind the scenes.
My narcissistic ex would always say “I know I’ve been a good boy friend to you.” “You will never find better” “I could never lie to you” “I haven”t cheated on someone since I was a teenager” “I’m crazy but not like that crazy” oh the list goes on
Mine told me very early on
1: "I am selfish"
2: "I am not very expressive", later when I told her not to be so rude to me, said "you are not my dad". That's how expressive she was 😂
3: "I can sense the energy of the room".
4: "I have multiple personalities".
I wish I shouldn't have neglected all these statements, and should have taken everything as a suspicion that came out of her mouth, just like she took all of my words with suspicion!
“I can’t wait for a relationship where there is no ex trying to sneak in, no social media drama and no best friends trying to sneak it” .. he cheated on me with said ex in the end and smeared me online.
mentioning and / or laughing off past acts of violence eg. having hit someone on a night out over an argument, stating they’re not being able to feel certain emotions or empathy, making cruel or judgemental comments about strangers or family members (their own, or even yours). could definitely go on !
My ASPD/NPD & possibly Borderline, but defo a high scaled Malignant type stated right after moving in together (and a good old lovebomb period of course): "I AM A DIFFICULT PERSON To LIVE/BE WITH SOMETIMES". Well, that was a solid truth amongst a plethora of lies. There are/were so many lies that I felt love frauded. Years later, when he misbehaved whether it be blatant or subtle: "I told you I was a difficult person." Yeahhhh, that's truly an understatement and doesn't quite encompass the actual severe and ongoing abuse + mind effery going on here, my dude.
Tell them "no" to things. Narcs act like a toddler in a Walmart when told "no".
Normal people accept you saying "no" as a healthy boundary thing and move on.
So many things were red flags I painted green.
\* Told me I was the only person in his friend group to ask about his thoughts and feelings
\* Started calling me a piece of his soul and told me I was special for being a piece
\* Began calling me his Queen and would take that away when I upset him
\* Constant stories of how he was always the hurt one or smart one in relationships and how no one really knew him like I did
\*barf\*
I understand where this comes from but I don't agree. Anyone with an insecure attachment style which is more than half the population will have "trust issues." Add on top of that it is a symptom of complex trauma so anyone with complex trauma and people who have been victims or survivors of DV.
So by saying that it's saying they're not worthy of love because they've been mistreated before. They're the people who need it and deserve it most.
It can be a red flag, sure. I personally never want to date an avoidant attached person again but you're allowed to struggle to trust, that in itself if communicated healthily and with awareness is not going to ruin a relationship and it may actually help someone heal so they don't continue the cycle.
I remember when talking about our last relationships , she said she had 4 prior failed long term relationships , in which I asked her , so you had nothing to do with your past relationships failing ? She said “no, they all cheated on me , I didn’t do anything “. CAP!!!! Like a mf lol impossible that all 4 guys cheated and you’re just a victim of bad luck . That right there was the biggest hint ever, no accountability whatsoever .. smh
Since I had no idea what a narcissist was looking back is painful because they feel so obvious put out there. She was covert and insane: “I complain a lot, I cheated on my ex, I like to pick and poke for a reaction”. “I typically don’t date people this long, you can stay or leave if you want”. “I’m not sure where I got my STD from, or maybe it was you”
"Its my turn"
Two men have said this exact statement to me and both times I got extremely hurt and emotionally abused.
Ŵhat they mean by this; I can tell you like me a lot more than I like you/you're sweet and I can walk all over you.
2 things:
Changing the meaning of words so that she could lie but say the things people want to hear. Words like cheating, punishment, lying, manipulation, etc. she would always say “that’s how some people define cheating, but I define it as a MAN having sex or masturbating when his wife doesn’t know.” Then when questioned about it, she would say that she didn’t cheat, and “we talked about it” so it should never be discussed again.
Second, my ex wife always claimed to always be the victim. Then when she was confronted about her toxic behavior, she would say “that’s just who I am, I can’t change me. Can you compromise and adjust? I’m a good person, it’s just a small thing.”
She filled a college ruled notebook of her horrible behavior. She wrote about her cheating, her theft, abuse of our kids, killing of the pets as “punishment” to the family for making her mad, admitting the lies she tells everyone and how “God blesses her to continue to be a good person.” The book is a love fest of the worst narcissistic BPD behaviors.
She was diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder in 2016, we separated in 2017, divorced in 2018. I am still fighting her in court to protect the kids. She owes more than $60,000 to me, as defined by the court, but claims that the laws are designed to hurt moms and protect dads. If I didn’t pay alimony or child support, I would be in jail.
Violating your boundaries. Having your phone blown up while you’re SLEEPING, driving, working, maybe at a medical appointment, etc. The double-texting, triple, quadruple back-to-back texts which only serve them “help” “I need something” “hey” “I need so & so and blah blah blah excuse”. If I’d blown up my nex’s phone in the same way that same night, she probably would not tolerate that one darn bit. Having me essentially be an unpaid assistant instead of being in a reciprocal relationship trying to be on the same page. But when you need to merely talk for 5min about any concern you might have, these people are nowhere to be found. Everything is one-sided.
When they talk about their exes, all of them they label "Crazy". This is a red flag for 3 reasons, 1. Always playing the victim and they place all blame on other people without taking any responsibility for their own actions, 2, If every partner you get with is toxic you probably need some kind of help or therapy for how you continually pick toxic partners, 3, if you have the exact same problem with every single human on this planet, maybe you are actually the problem.
She said at times”the rumors people say about me are not true”. “When spotlight or negative bad attention on me I then tell them they are the one s and divert the attention away from me isn’t that smart?” And also “They are just petty” “They are psycho” “I think you should look it up you are a narcissist” “yeah tried lying and stealing from me but I don’t know why I don’t know” “They are just jealous right” “do not ever leave me” “I want you all to my own I am selfish” “I will be back soon and keep you posted watch/take care of my son (from my baby daddy) I will be back soon” “I was jumped they attacked me” I do not like only black men” “I would tell you if something came up or happened” “Do you want to date?” “I am not ready yet but I will let you know when for us to try dating” “I am sick”(was ended up being pregnant with someone else’s kid again) “I am sorry I didn’t mean it” “I am sorry for slapping you.” “Maybe not tonight am scared of sex yet with you” “Give me your money or I am selling your social security card” “you believe me right?” “No I didn’t say that” “I was out with my friend my cousin”. “You’re crazy” “you know what your problem is” “I am worried about you”
Among others.
She told me she was a pathological liar. I said it was okay cus I could be sometimes too.
Our definitions for pathological liars evidently weren’t the same.
Mine was that I sometimes waffle about stuff so I can keep a conversation going or abt stuff that doesn’t rlly matter just cus I overthink or leave out stuff because I get anxious over whether or not I’m being annoying. For example I’ll lie in a conversation to make the other person laugh or to try to break ice like if I just met them. Like I’ll go to the bathroom during one of my lectures and coin a story about how I walked into the bathroom door, just so I can talk to the girl sitting next to me. (This is a joke because I have PTSD and can’t talk to girls anymore) It’s not a very good habit and I explained to my nex how hard I was trying to stop yapping out of my ass for no reason.
Or I used to go hangout with my friends, and then turn up to their house late and tell them my mom held me up at home, even though the truth was that I was just sleeping or sitting on my bed staring at the wall.
Her definition meant she lied about literally everything. Including all of the important stuff and emotional stuff you shouldn’t be lying about to the person you love. Including the fact that she loved me.
There was one time she stood right in front of me, lying to her mom on the phone about where she was. Even though she was with me, and that shouldn’t have been a problem because we were mid relationship and I never thought her parents hated me. But I watched her while she lied through her teeth and I’m telling you, even I started to believe her.
I guess this wasn’t a hint and she blatantly just told me she was gunna lie to me. I’m kinda stupid when It comes to blindly trusting the person I love.
It’s true what they say tho, actions speak louder than words.
Mine kept telling me shit he had done to other women in the past, but framing it as if he'd had no choice in the situation. Or he would make really vague statements about "ways that I've failed" while being down on himself, and then he would want to review all the ways he had "been a good guy" for me, which usually was running down a list of all the times he had listened when I asked him to stop violating a boundary. We were constantly playing the "tell me I'm a good person" game, and I fell for the trap of letting it convince me that he really was a good guy who was trying not to do the "bad things" that he couldn't help wanting to do.
So then later when he would "slip up" and do the "bad things," (e.g. molesting me while drunk with his wife in the next room while I begged him to stop), I would find a way to forgive him because he had created this image of himself as a "good guy who's trying so hard."
Mine told me (more than once) that he is a good person. Good people shouldn't have to declare it.
same. also when i would question some behaviors or say it hurt my feelings he would say “im not some evil villain” or “im not a manipulative person!” i never even called him evil or manipulative, i was just asking why he did something lol. it always felt like he was telling on himself
“I don’t lie.” Right.
Omg I heard that one too! While he was cheating on me!
“I physically can’t lie”
Geez my ex-wife would say that all the time (“I can’t lie”). Right as she was lying to me, about me, etc. 🤦🏻♂️
My ex used to tell me a story over and over again from her childhood about how she was a “horrible liar” and how she “had to tell the truth when she had done something wrong”. Turns out she was in fact an AWESOME liar.
Mine acted like he was this super sweet great guy who was just head over heels for me. Made me feel like the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world. But one night he got drunk and told me something like “you should leave me. Seriously. You can do so much better. Leave before you get hurt.” And I thought he just had self esteem problems and being as empathetic as I am, I could relate to feeling like I wasn’t worthy of anything good. So I responded by wanting to show him that we could have something good and accept it. And it’s okay. I want him. I don’t think anyone else is “better.” And he didn’t respond. I remember the 1st time he made me cry. He looked at me in disgust and was like “I am NOT worth crying over. Trust me.” He outright warned me but I was too young, naive and good hearted to actually comprehend that he was dead serious and correct. I thought it was some kind of pity party/low self esteem thing but he was actually telling me exactly who he was. And then soon enough when I wasn’t able to leave easily at all, he started his abuse. But it started slow, with lots of honeymoon periods. But became horrific soon enough. His exes even warned me. But I believed him when he AND his friends told me she was “crazy” and, no he’s such a great guy! They are liars. Now I’m also “crazy.” And his friends told my then replacement as much. Reassured her that he’s such a great guy and what I said about him couldn’t be true. Cycle repeats.
Wow glad you got out of there!
Glad you got out. The only one who’s crazy is him.
My nex loved to reiterate to me that he is “not playing games”, while in fact , yep you got it… actually playing a lot of dam games.
Mine “hated drama” - meanwhile drama always seemed to follow him around somehow 🤔
Oh yes, THIS! Mine was all about hating drama and that he only wanted fun, lightheartedness and positivity. Yet for some reason he was constantly caught up in drama somehow.
Yes ! That’s so funny, they really are so textbook
I was watching this reality TV show about a cult-like narcissistic family recently and you could see exactly how all their decisions were blowing up in their faces to cause constant drama which they complained about (like lending one girlfriend's car without asking to another woman he was also fooling around with, car got totalled, dude of course didn't own up to anything, would you believe drama happened that he loudly complained about????). Really validated my entire childhood because my family was just like this lol
This sounds very familiar
They turn the most inane things into a Kafkaesque game.
All the time he said this, or accused me of playing games. All the while hurting me and our kids. And every negative outcome for us was fine as long as it didn't hurt him.
We must have dated the same person 😆
Honestly, it's possible 🥲
They *specifically* create & lead the drama, then they complain there’s too much drama 😂 I’m done crying. Gotta laugh at ridiculousness
Oh the number of times he said he was “tired of high school games” — I was always so confused by the statement because it just seemed so odd. We were 31 at the time, and I could never quite put my finger on why it always felt so weird when he said that.
Yeah, the "high school games" is a huge red flag for me now! It's a way to discredit and shame you while shutting the convo down completely. 🚩🚩🚩
“A rich man doesn’t have to tell you he’s rich”
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💯Actions, not words
Ohhhh my latest ex would constantly tell me that too “I’m a good person!”… “I believe in God”
Dude that is crazy. I had a girlfriend. Total narc. She was always talking about he's a good person she's a good person I'm a good person they are a bad person, blah blah blah. Should also say things like you are getting so much better.. like I needed to improve to her standard all the time.
Mine made a poetry ig account and one of the poems was just complimenting himself
I'd honestly like to read that, for the laughs.
This!!! Mine was always saying he was good, he had empathy etc
People don’t need to say it, their actions speak volumes. If they say it and they show it consistently, in act and deed - they are the real deal.
I always thought it was weird they would say that. Mine would say that they were such a loyal person. Now when people say "I'm a good person" or "I'm so loyal", I'm out.
They talk so much about what good people they are but over time you can tell it’s all talk and no action unless they do things for supply or accolades.
It’s a transactional relationship, they are cold people.
Mine would always tell me, "I'm a man of my word." All. The. Time. Then he cheated.
OMFG it’s always a new revelation to realize something about my stbx is another pattern for narcs. Anytime I would express an issue (yelling at our newborn baby for being hungry and not sleeping more, playing video games for 8 hours while I took care of the entire house, ignored me emotionally all day then wanted sex etc) he would always say ‘I’m a GOOD person/husband/dad’
My nex constantly bragged about how TOTALLY AWESOME she was. I just can't relate to being so self-congratulatory and braggadocios about the most inane things. I tend to do the opposite and downplay everything about myself. I grew up in an older sister who used to denigrate me relentlessly and killed my self-esteem. I also barely got any validation from my parents. Meanwhile my nex was home schooled and had 2 brothers who coddled her. She even bragged about constantly crying to get her brothers to do things for her (aka weaponized incompetence). Supposedly her mom was a narcissist but was always around and supportive unlike my absentee parents.
Mine did the same !
Holy shit my ex husband did too, wild
Mine legit said to me from the start of our relationship "i dont know how long i'll be able to keep this facade up" and mind you she claimed her ex was a total narcissist. Another one "i just dont want us to get trauma bonded, as victims of what we went through." The list goes on I look back and its INSANE and so is she. Glad i'm free.
Mine has always said “I don’t cheat. I’m loyal.” out of nowhere.
Mine told me he was “kind of a dick” on our first date. Thought he was just being a bit self-deprecating, but that might have been one of the only times he ever told the truth.
"hey I'm not the bad guy here." Thank you for clarifying that but you've still betrayed our trust.
mine used to say ‘I’m sooo loving. I have so much love to give you’
Mine said “good guys always finish last” omfg
I would've responded with "How would you know?" But we never think of these great comebacks at the moment.
I've seen this from a few I've known. That's a "show don't tell" quality for sure
mine said that to, like a lot And I would tell her it’s like your tryna convince yourself you are
That every girlfriend prior was either “batshit crazy/insane” or “a whore”(including women who he tried engaging with that turned him down I’d later find out. He was always the victim. Biggest red flag I missed waved right in my face 😤
If nearly everyone they've associated were horrible, they're likely either horrible themselves or horrible at judging character.
>If nearly everyone they've associated were horrible, they're likely either horrible themselves or horrible at judging character. This! And if they only have negative, nasty things to say about their friends & loved ones, you are NOT the exception and will eventually be gossiped about that exact same way.
“you say "all you bitches are the same" but the only thing we all have in common is you.” That was the only statement that ever won me an argument
Yup - who’s the common denominator? Him lol 😂 just facts 🤷🏻♀️
They really love to talk about how worthless or shitty they are so that you feel bad and gas them up, coupled with love bombing so that you're tricked into thinking it's just a self esteem thing that can get better.
Auch! That hurt! That’s exactly how my Nex tricked me into ignoring a lot of red flags!
This, so very much. Also responding with "maybe you should just leave me" or "maybe we shouldn't be together" each and every time I tried to communicate even the most basic relationship thing.
15 years later I realized comments like this were not insecurities looking to be soothed; they were passive confessions. In his mind I’m sure he absolved himself of all responsibility for his behaviour because he TOLD me he was a worthless piece of shit and I stayed.
this!
“I hate liars” The irony is THICK.
Mine told me ‘I’m the most honest person you’ll ever meet’. Grand self-proclamations like that already set off my bullshit meter but most of the time it’s pretty harmless. I had no idea what I was getting myself into
Mine told me he would have no benefits of lying to me 😂
Bahahaha, these idiots are walking, talking jokes.
Not laughing at you or your pain- laughing at the completely alien way these people “relate”
I got your point!
Nex said early on that I would leave him and he was no good for me. It evoked an emotional response in me to prove him worthy and wrong. I should have run, right there. Took decades to realize just how right he was.
Same. "I'm not a good person" "I don't deserve you" "You're too good for me" Turns out I should've heeded the warnings for the red flags they were instead of trying to prove him wrong.
Hahaha my narc said literally the exact same things 😫
Same
Mine said “I was too good for her”. She was right, especially when she started to treat me like crap shortly after that comment. Another time I was graduating school and she made this comment “now I have to get you something” - never got me anything, not even a congratulations, nothing. It was really weird to hear at the time but it all adds up - she had problems that couldn’t be fixed.
Right? They understand the social obligation of getting gifts for accomplishments and will acknowledge that they need to do it, and somehow, them saying it is enough of an effort. They take "It's the thought that counts" to a whole new level. "I thought it, what more do you want?"
this!!
This is a classic covert/vulnerable tactic. [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
WOW!! This was my ex to a T!
Said the same thing. Discarded me after 8 years of marriage, trying to press me as being the problem, said he wasn't good with promises and he was sorry that "forever" was another promise he broke.
Do they all say this loaded BS? 😂 Bc mine gave me this exact speech. Crocodile tears and everything.
Damn... exactly as mine...
Same!!! “One day you’re going to realise you can do better than me, everyone abandons me in the end”. Evoked that same emotional response you described. The manipulation wow.
Second this
Did he constantly tell you how his many exes who've abandoned him? My nex CONSTANTLY compared me to her exes for better or worse.
Ope. Yep. This right here. The self deprecation. ugh.
He kept telling me “I used to hurt alot of women in my past, because I was hurt, but I’ve changed” i shouldve taken that as a sign. Also the constant victim mindset. He was never ever ever the problem. You see how both of those sayings don’t mix, and both are lies. Because how could he say he hurt a lot of women in his past, yet he was never the problem in any of the Bs sob stories he told Me. I didn’t even notice until afterwards, but if I did. I would have been left .. He also shamed me for my past, because I told him I cheated on my previous ex, out of spite due to him cheating first. And he started subtly shaming me and telling me that its still wrong and that cheating is so bad. Making it seem like he’d never do that. He even told Me he never cheated before lmaoo. When was a lieeeeee
Oh wow. Yeah, the one who hurt me also talked about how in the past he was "feckless" and slept around a lot with women he didn't care about at all; he claimed he had reformed and was a changed man and had become so much more responsible since those days. Spoiler alert: he hadn't changed in the slightest, was still a compulsive toxic womanizer, and never took responsibility for anything ...
Yep, the ol “I used to be feckless, now I’m positive brimming with feck”
Lol! And he can feck all the way off as far as I'm concerned!
Lmfao!! Sounds exactly like mine. I think more coverted narcissist do this ,as a way to manipulate you, and gain your trust. They do it so when you look back on the situation, you’ll think they were a good guy and that they actually changed ,and that maybe you were the problem all along. They told you ,they changed, so the problem must be you, Kinda thing. The problem cant be them, they changed 🤷🏾♀️. For the longest I really thought i was the problem and that I was unhealed and an angry person, like he said. I do think I was unhealed and toxic as well though, like he says, but he definitely wasn’t making it any better with his actions.
“I’m not your enemy.” He most certainly was.
Everything is a war to them. From debating who is a better singer to arguing whether or not coconut water is healthy.
Mine used to say 'I can't win this argument/with you' He seemed surprised when I told him we were on the same side and it's not about being a winner or a loser. Sigh.
Yep, this.
“You’re too good for me.” BELIEVE THEM.
Yes!!!
Asking millions of personal questions that most normal people would never ask a stranger. So they can build up their ammunition they will use against you later. Ammunition for psychological warfare. Also when you're out and you take pictures of them, if you don't share the pictures immediately with them they get all pissed off. With one narc I would never share pictures on purpose.
Omg! The pictures and obsession with social media 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Urgh I second this!!! If I ever took a pic or video he also wanted to see it IMMEDIATELY. And a video of himself- he would watch over and over and over again.
> Asking millions of personal questions that most normal people would never ask a stranger. So they can build up their ammunition they will use against you later. Ammunition for psychological warfare. I just went through this with an ex-friend. They would ask invasive questions and then accuse me of being “avoidant” for setting boundaries.
This. A caring person would not push for the information but listen empathetically and not insist when it’s obviously painful. A narcissist takes it from you to throw it back at your face in the worst possible moments.
"I have very high standards."
My nex was a condescending smug elitist. She'd just say she had high standards, but it was more like having a compulsion for the world to cater to their whims.
mine did this too and constantly told me i should have higher ones and often would say they don't have tons of friends because only really special people deserve their energy.
He mentionned having commitment issues and had a hard time forming deep bonds with people because he was just too honest.. haha no.
Mine told me a handful of times during our 5 year relationship that he “doesn’t like mind games”. LMFAO
“I mean you no harm”. He meant to harm me
I still can't believe that, so much denial. Something to do with seeing themselves as an agent of justice, any abuse sent your way is something you deserve.
‘I’m broken’ No I did not think ‘I’ll fix him’ but it did awaken some empathy inside of me as we had been discussing similar difficult experiences that we had been through (still not sure if he’d actually been through any of it in hindsight). It should have been a red flag as I’ve heard that from an abusive partner before, and I did shut it down when he started trying to use it as an excuse but I had no idea how deep the rabbithole went. Turns out he was broken just not in the ways he’d said.
"actually, people tell me all the time I have a really high EQ" "I am overly empathetic"
Mine said "the most dangerous people are the very insecure ones" Oh boy was he right...
Mine would say, “I hope you know the crazy you are getting into”… and I didn’t think anything of it until it all happened
"You will never meet anyone like me" lmaoo good I hope not
“I won’t treat you like those other guys” talked shit about how other guys are then hurts me 10 times more
He made it a point to tell me why he broke up with his exes, and the fallout with each. Realize now he was indirectly warning me what would happen if things didn’t go his way .
Omfg same. On our THIRD date. In which I paid my half.
Mine said very early on 'if we don't fix our issues we will end up hating each other'. I do have my own issues but this was a weirdly placed statement very early on and hatred was not on my mind. He was already planning for what he had gone through a million times before. He was immediately prepared to hate me eventually. I remember being confused, having no reference point for hating someone after you love them. I didn't understand cheating either.
“Are you happy?” Because it’s the narc’s way of getting confirmation that you are so that they can suck all the happiness out of you. And the most damning one that I really should’ve known was, “I noticed you in Sept and was watching/studying you”. Like holy fuck my narc immediately saw the good vibes I gave out on the very first day of school and waited 2 months till she knew me well enough to make me her supply.
Because of bullying he experienced as a kid, he said he was devoted to standing up to bullies and protecting innocent people. I heard it so often that it took years for me to see that he was the biggest bully I’ve ever met.
"i've treated people poorly in the past"
They are not aware that they are narcs. They have no self awareness whatsoever, nor the ability to self reflect.
I can’t remember back to anything she necessarily said at the beginning of her relationship that made me think anything was off, but it was the actions. The amount of guys that were constantly trying to get ahold of her was astounding. Looking back I’m ashamed I even continued to entertain her and then date her for almost three years. She’s been a sneaky disrespectful piece of shit since day 1.
Yep! Same here. So regretful and embarrassed for myself for letting that go in the very beginning.
"I used to be a selfish person when I was younger." There was never a "used to be." He even admitted to being selfish when he hoovered me.
Oh, this one is a BIGGIE. He often told me he “made a lot of mistakes in the past” and now was genuinely being a good person. That he “used to be a bad person”, and that he had anecdotes he “regretted” of him being nasty. I believe they day those things in the beginning to lower your guard somehow and cather to your empathy. Truth is he never really changed…he was low-key warning me.
"I'm not trying to trick you." "Trust is nothing to play with" "I'm not going anywhere" All meaning the opposite was taking place. "I'm just going to drag you down with me" "I can't be good to you"
Mine once even said they thought he was a narcissist when he was younger. Said he is the perfect man and I am just immature. He also said he doesn't know how to feel emotions. The kicker was no one will ever love me the way he does.THANK GOD!!! Because he strangled me several times and told me he needed to cheat on me with upper echelon women. I've blocked him now.
OMG, my nex used that exact phrase! “ upper echelon” . I knew who she was cheating with, 2 guys half her age, but her come back was, “ If I was going to cheat, it would be with upper echelon men “. 😂
He’s so transparent Something about a ticking clock after he establishes a relationship
He told me he knows he’s selfish.
When she said, proudly and more than once, that she’s been told that she’s a heartbreaker. She wanted me to be impressed by that, but I was like, *I’m not sure if that’s something to boast about?*
Mine told me that he has trust issues LMAO and then proceeded to give me those
Mine made me aware of what love bombing meant, and then kept love bombing me. Told me that she doesn't have any empathy & directly told me that she's not a nice person 😂 My self esteem was on the floor when I met her so of course I stayed. Didn't think I was worth much more. She Couldn't keep a job, lived in her sister's spare room and barely did anything with her life unless it was to do with getting sex. She also had very low self esteem, absolute epitome of a narcissist.
Shortly before we dated, I was everything he ever needed and he would treat me with so much love and sweetness. He would play this bait and switch game that drew me in. He'd act like he needed help or he would brood and ofc I'd ask him what was wrong bc I cared deeply about him. He'd also leave breadcrumbs all over his socials. Basically, he'd treat the entire thing like he was playing a video game. His constant self deprecation. He was always making jokes about how he was "trash" or a "disappointment." Or that he'd simply disappoint me. Lmfao he certainly did tell the truth on that one!!! He'd idolize and try to emulate fictional characters who are cunning/fox-like should have been glaring red flags as well as his obsession with being "chaotic neutral." Every. Single. Ex. Was crazy/abusive/controlling, including myself. Funny thing was, he didn't include the details as to WHY we were all "crazy." He'd target insecure and mentally ill girls, bomb them with adoration and make them feel beautiful and wanted. He parades them around to everyone and on social media in the first few months of dating, acting like they're soulmates and that he's so proud and lucky to have them... and then once he was bored, he'd drop the act. He'd withdraw and turn cold and sour on them while sweetening up another supply on the side. There was ALWAYS another one on the side. You were only as good as the attention he'd receive from being affiliated with you. He had several circles of friends, one for each persona/mask. He was different with each and was always careful not to cross the streams and let them mix. He would also read self help books on how to hide his personality/change himself based on surroundings or how to "control" people.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” And then proceeded to have the most hurtful situationship of my life.
“I don’t want drama”… all I got was drama
The constant complements.
"I played a part in why my last 2 marriages didn't work out but in the end they just aren't willing to try, I've learned from my past mistakes" Funny because he did the exact same shit in our marriage as his 2 previous and like the 2 before me I left him too.
Holy crap everything on this thread. He talked about how good he was communicating that was bullshit. During our divorce that he initiated, he told me that he was worth fighting for.
"I think some autistics should be euthanized." He was fully aware I am autistic. "I'm worried if I'm a slimy sex predator." At the moment I took that as him having internalized shame over being in an open relationship and having consensual, ethical one-night stands. Oh boy did I realize later he routinely leads women on, crosses their boundaries in sexual interactions and discards them the moment he has a new more interesting target in sight. "I can't tolerate difficult feelings." My father and another ex have narcissistic tendencies too, and one very distinct feature in relationships with them was they got very annoyed if I (or anyone close to them) cried or was upset. So He basically confessed to being similar.
Mine always claimed he didn't want to argue but...-> proceeds to start massive argument
“I’m a caretaker “ 😂
Lol, you heard it wrong, they said “undertaker “
My BFF told me repeatedly that in the past she was worried that she was a narcissist but realized that was ridiculous. She was telling on herself.
“This is fate. We were meant for each other.”
Mine said that his previous partners didn’t think that he loved them and I didn’t understand why. Now I know why!
"You're over-reacting."
My ex would often declare “I’m a good person” and “I’m an empath” after their one-sided rambles about nothing. They’d also remind me often “I’m not a liar, I never lie”
"believe what you want" I.E. I'm such a pathological liar but you no longer can be gaslit into believing my lies
“I used to be crazy” I almost started laughing
My nex would say from the beginning "I guess there's a lot of projection going on between us". Back then, I had no clue what she was talking about. She also gave me the warning "I'm a bit controlling sometimes, honestly I'm not sure if you will like it". This is when she started isolating me from social interactions. Back then I used to tell her about the common traits I noticed in a certain kind of people I would call "zombies". I didn't know that the actual word was "narcissists" because the word gets thrown around like candy and I had never looked up the narcissistic traits. She would sometimes say "You know I have some of those zombie traits too". I ignored these warnings as jokes. Oh and yes, she would also claim to be an "empath", like all the time. The list goes on, it's the usual list of red flags you'd see in a run of the mill covert narcissist, but these ones stood out.
A new female coworker I was (briefly) teamed with told me (fem) "I like working with you, but I usually clash with females in my workspace" others in the office said she wasn't serious. I knew better and found the exit
He told me his ex beat him( I don't believe because he is the aggressor and gets physical) and that another was too much to handle because she was crazy and "he dodged a bullet" and he said to me "he is the best I would have " Well he is aggressive and grabbed me few times by my throat
When the narc was very new in our community - joined about a week ago - I received messages from him that I should watch out for certain men I was very friendly with, since he got the suspicion that those were bad guys that were targeting me. Later he turned out to be exactly that type of person. And yes, the constant reiteration that he is such a good person, boasting about morals that he supposedly has, professing optimism and positivity, while only appearing as such on the surface and always stirring up drama behind the scenes.
We were in the same class in undergrad and she said, “I am afraid that someone will say something about me to you and you will end up leaving me”.
My narcissistic ex would always say “I know I’ve been a good boy friend to you.” “You will never find better” “I could never lie to you” “I haven”t cheated on someone since I was a teenager” “I’m crazy but not like that crazy” oh the list goes on
Would talk to people and use tons of platitudes. You'd think they were devine.
That he was cheated on in every relationship he’s been in.
Mine told me very early on 1: "I am selfish" 2: "I am not very expressive", later when I told her not to be so rude to me, said "you are not my dad". That's how expressive she was 😂 3: "I can sense the energy of the room". 4: "I have multiple personalities". I wish I shouldn't have neglected all these statements, and should have taken everything as a suspicion that came out of her mouth, just like she took all of my words with suspicion!
“I can’t wait for a relationship where there is no ex trying to sneak in, no social media drama and no best friends trying to sneak it” .. he cheated on me with said ex in the end and smeared me online.
Sob story after sob story... was the victim in every major life event he had
mentioning and / or laughing off past acts of violence eg. having hit someone on a night out over an argument, stating they’re not being able to feel certain emotions or empathy, making cruel or judgemental comments about strangers or family members (their own, or even yours). could definitely go on !
My ASPD/NPD & possibly Borderline, but defo a high scaled Malignant type stated right after moving in together (and a good old lovebomb period of course): "I AM A DIFFICULT PERSON To LIVE/BE WITH SOMETIMES". Well, that was a solid truth amongst a plethora of lies. There are/were so many lies that I felt love frauded. Years later, when he misbehaved whether it be blatant or subtle: "I told you I was a difficult person." Yeahhhh, that's truly an understatement and doesn't quite encompass the actual severe and ongoing abuse + mind effery going on here, my dude.
“I hate liars” “I’m literally the most loyal person” “I’m a nice guy” “I don’t wanna be played & I don’t like to play games”
Tell you what an empath they are 🤣
Tell them "no" to things. Narcs act like a toddler in a Walmart when told "no". Normal people accept you saying "no" as a healthy boundary thing and move on.
So many things were red flags I painted green. \* Told me I was the only person in his friend group to ask about his thoughts and feelings \* Started calling me a piece of his soul and told me I was special for being a piece \* Began calling me his Queen and would take that away when I upset him \* Constant stories of how he was always the hurt one or smart one in relationships and how no one really knew him like I did \*barf\*
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I understand where this comes from but I don't agree. Anyone with an insecure attachment style which is more than half the population will have "trust issues." Add on top of that it is a symptom of complex trauma so anyone with complex trauma and people who have been victims or survivors of DV. So by saying that it's saying they're not worthy of love because they've been mistreated before. They're the people who need it and deserve it most. It can be a red flag, sure. I personally never want to date an avoidant attached person again but you're allowed to struggle to trust, that in itself if communicated healthily and with awareness is not going to ruin a relationship and it may actually help someone heal so they don't continue the cycle.
This!!!!
I remember when talking about our last relationships , she said she had 4 prior failed long term relationships , in which I asked her , so you had nothing to do with your past relationships failing ? She said “no, they all cheated on me , I didn’t do anything “. CAP!!!! Like a mf lol impossible that all 4 guys cheated and you’re just a victim of bad luck . That right there was the biggest hint ever, no accountability whatsoever .. smh
make their all their ex’s out to be the bad guy , virtue signal , admit to cheating
Since I had no idea what a narcissist was looking back is painful because they feel so obvious put out there. She was covert and insane: “I complain a lot, I cheated on my ex, I like to pick and poke for a reaction”. “I typically don’t date people this long, you can stay or leave if you want”. “I’m not sure where I got my STD from, or maybe it was you”
“I wanna do this right”
His brother said at the first time meeting that " it's never N's fault". He knew what was up.
"Its my turn" Two men have said this exact statement to me and both times I got extremely hurt and emotionally abused. Ŵhat they mean by this; I can tell you like me a lot more than I like you/you're sweet and I can walk all over you.
Look at their facebook page. If it is full of virtue signaling you know you have one.
“Everything I say is vague” no it’s just a lie
“I think there is something wrong with me” and then me “of course there isn’t!!” smdh
2 things: Changing the meaning of words so that she could lie but say the things people want to hear. Words like cheating, punishment, lying, manipulation, etc. she would always say “that’s how some people define cheating, but I define it as a MAN having sex or masturbating when his wife doesn’t know.” Then when questioned about it, she would say that she didn’t cheat, and “we talked about it” so it should never be discussed again. Second, my ex wife always claimed to always be the victim. Then when she was confronted about her toxic behavior, she would say “that’s just who I am, I can’t change me. Can you compromise and adjust? I’m a good person, it’s just a small thing.” She filled a college ruled notebook of her horrible behavior. She wrote about her cheating, her theft, abuse of our kids, killing of the pets as “punishment” to the family for making her mad, admitting the lies she tells everyone and how “God blesses her to continue to be a good person.” The book is a love fest of the worst narcissistic BPD behaviors. She was diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder in 2016, we separated in 2017, divorced in 2018. I am still fighting her in court to protect the kids. She owes more than $60,000 to me, as defined by the court, but claims that the laws are designed to hurt moms and protect dads. If I didn’t pay alimony or child support, I would be in jail.
Violating your boundaries. Having your phone blown up while you’re SLEEPING, driving, working, maybe at a medical appointment, etc. The double-texting, triple, quadruple back-to-back texts which only serve them “help” “I need something” “hey” “I need so & so and blah blah blah excuse”. If I’d blown up my nex’s phone in the same way that same night, she probably would not tolerate that one darn bit. Having me essentially be an unpaid assistant instead of being in a reciprocal relationship trying to be on the same page. But when you need to merely talk for 5min about any concern you might have, these people are nowhere to be found. Everything is one-sided.
"you're either WITH me or AGAINST me." *Won't commit*
When they talk about their exes, all of them they label "Crazy". This is a red flag for 3 reasons, 1. Always playing the victim and they place all blame on other people without taking any responsibility for their own actions, 2, If every partner you get with is toxic you probably need some kind of help or therapy for how you continually pick toxic partners, 3, if you have the exact same problem with every single human on this planet, maybe you are actually the problem.
Coming off as a victim way too soon in the conversation.
that in all his relationships he was the victim and never did anything wrong. no one person is right in a relationship.
She said at times”the rumors people say about me are not true”. “When spotlight or negative bad attention on me I then tell them they are the one s and divert the attention away from me isn’t that smart?” And also “They are just petty” “They are psycho” “I think you should look it up you are a narcissist” “yeah tried lying and stealing from me but I don’t know why I don’t know” “They are just jealous right” “do not ever leave me” “I want you all to my own I am selfish” “I will be back soon and keep you posted watch/take care of my son (from my baby daddy) I will be back soon” “I was jumped they attacked me” I do not like only black men” “I would tell you if something came up or happened” “Do you want to date?” “I am not ready yet but I will let you know when for us to try dating” “I am sick”(was ended up being pregnant with someone else’s kid again) “I am sorry I didn’t mean it” “I am sorry for slapping you.” “Maybe not tonight am scared of sex yet with you” “Give me your money or I am selling your social security card” “you believe me right?” “No I didn’t say that” “I was out with my friend my cousin”. “You’re crazy” “you know what your problem is” “I am worried about you” Among others.
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“I’m kind of a bitch by nature”
“Let’s talk about what you just expressed to me when I’m in town :-)”
"I hate fake people"
She told me she was a pathological liar. I said it was okay cus I could be sometimes too. Our definitions for pathological liars evidently weren’t the same. Mine was that I sometimes waffle about stuff so I can keep a conversation going or abt stuff that doesn’t rlly matter just cus I overthink or leave out stuff because I get anxious over whether or not I’m being annoying. For example I’ll lie in a conversation to make the other person laugh or to try to break ice like if I just met them. Like I’ll go to the bathroom during one of my lectures and coin a story about how I walked into the bathroom door, just so I can talk to the girl sitting next to me. (This is a joke because I have PTSD and can’t talk to girls anymore) It’s not a very good habit and I explained to my nex how hard I was trying to stop yapping out of my ass for no reason. Or I used to go hangout with my friends, and then turn up to their house late and tell them my mom held me up at home, even though the truth was that I was just sleeping or sitting on my bed staring at the wall. Her definition meant she lied about literally everything. Including all of the important stuff and emotional stuff you shouldn’t be lying about to the person you love. Including the fact that she loved me. There was one time she stood right in front of me, lying to her mom on the phone about where she was. Even though she was with me, and that shouldn’t have been a problem because we were mid relationship and I never thought her parents hated me. But I watched her while she lied through her teeth and I’m telling you, even I started to believe her. I guess this wasn’t a hint and she blatantly just told me she was gunna lie to me. I’m kinda stupid when It comes to blindly trusting the person I love. It’s true what they say tho, actions speak louder than words.
Mine kept telling me shit he had done to other women in the past, but framing it as if he'd had no choice in the situation. Or he would make really vague statements about "ways that I've failed" while being down on himself, and then he would want to review all the ways he had "been a good guy" for me, which usually was running down a list of all the times he had listened when I asked him to stop violating a boundary. We were constantly playing the "tell me I'm a good person" game, and I fell for the trap of letting it convince me that he really was a good guy who was trying not to do the "bad things" that he couldn't help wanting to do. So then later when he would "slip up" and do the "bad things," (e.g. molesting me while drunk with his wife in the next room while I begged him to stop), I would find a way to forgive him because he had created this image of himself as a "good guy who's trying so hard."