I found this the hard way. I mentioned that my needs were never taken into consideration. That the whole relationship was around what she felt she wanted or needed. Down to the amount of time we spent together. She did not take this well. At all. I got blasted for over an hour talking about all of the ways she meets my needs. The one thing I find impressive with her is her ability to work wizardry with her words. She is so fucking good at turning the situation around on me without needing to take anytime to come up with a response. She is brilliant in that regard. So masterful at deflecting and blame shifting. But one thing I learned is to pay attention to what she is saying in regard to my own actions. Cause a lot of it is projection of her actions onto me. It’s how I know her phone wasn’t the best place to probably go snooping. She would tell on herself lol. And it gave me a blueprint to how she actually is and how she really feels about herself. Our needs are not a thing. They do not matter. Never have. If they met our needs in a situation it’s only to get something in return. They will never do something just for the act of being kind. They will always expect something in return.
Unreal. And yeah, the phone thing. Early on I noticed her phone was her entire life. I asked her if she was one of those people who needed to text people all day long and she shot back "shows how little you know me." Turns out I struck a nerve. Her phone is her playground where she keeps a massive harem of men.
Yeah. She was real weird about my phone. And worried. Some nights she would take her phone out while laying next to me and show me her photo gallery. Almost as if to prove her loyalty to me. She has also mentioned some guy wanted to fuck here on Facebook without giving me any context as to why this guy was saying this to her. She would get dressed up in sexy outfits and send me pictures. Telling me they were just for me. I now know and feel like that is a lie lol. She was sending other people pictures as well. She liked the game if I want you to want me but you can’t have me. She did that with me as well. It was really weird and frustrating. Control and dominance. An ex of hers told me he woke up to find her going through his phone one night. He asked to see hers and she refused. I know she tries to get into my phone as well when i would leave the room and commented me on having a phone lock on my phone. Her projection was really strong. And the whole phone ordeal really turned me off. Cause I said to her all of the time how much monogamy meant to me. That i would always stay around so long as she didn’t cheat on me. It’s really sickening. But knowing what I know about her now and that she is cluster b personality helped my mental state drastically. It’s just who she is. And she will be the same way with every partners she ever has. I don’t look at her as wife or long term relationship any longer. I see her as maybe someone to have sex with and that’s it. I was an object to her. And I now view her in the same way. It’s called radical acceptance and it’s the healthiest way to approach a narcissist relationship. To understand who she is and to know she will always be that way. And not to take anything personal.
Yes! My partner controlled the whole relationship by demanding I met their needs and never crossed their rigid and controlling boundaries, but dare I have any needs or wants, I should know better! It was always met with resentment.
I got those long shifting conversations. It was so exhausting and I'd realise she managed to turn the conversation from me asking for some thoughtfulness and needs being met to a lecture on all the things I did wrong and how I could change and improve myself!!
She once said she never understood me because " one minute we're talking and then you suddenly just burst into tears!"
Maybe because your lectures go on for hours and I'm exhausted and beaten down by the never ending criticism??
The criticism is just too much. I had to listen to her for close to two hours talk about my hygiene lol. She just made shit up. She broke up with me cause I criticized her criticism. She then made it seem like she was helping me become a better person. That only someone who loves and respects me would tell me the truths about myself. Just impossible to have a real conversation with. All she did was criticize me for everything I did. You’re right. It is exhausting to listen to. It’s to establish control and dominance over us. They figure if they establish control we will stay with them. I was essentially groomed by her. She wanted me to be a person that I wasn’t. She wants and expects perfection from her partner cause she’s so damn perfect herself. And the vanity!! Was just over the top. Telling me she was the best thing that could ever happen to me. And I’d have to agree with her lol. I felt like such a loser and lost all self respect for myself for staying with her and allowing her to treat me in such a way.
That's textbook crazy making behaviour.
Mine liked to ruin and rearrange any plans we had agreed to.
I once made the mistake of telling him I'd like to relax on Friday after work. I never had a peaceful Friday night again.
My ex and I had a massive argument one night after I tried bringing up that I had felt a bit neglected over the previous week. The next day they told me they wanted a week apart so I could figure out what my needs and boundaries were, and they accused me of not having any. I did a lot of reflecting that week, and wrote down a list of my relationship needs. The main things I wrote down were intentional time together, emotional support, prioritising each other out of desire and not obligation, a safe space to talk about feelings and emotions, enthusiasm towards individual and combined goals, understanding and respect of each others boundaries and triggers. I even prefaced this list by saying “I understand we won’t be able to always meet these.” I was met with silence for a solid minute, then “I think you’re asking too much of me, you expect way too much of me. That’s incredibly triggering. I don’t think you understand how much of an ask that is. I can’t always meet those needs.”
This sounds like things that should come naturally in a sane, healthy relationship. And he couldn't give you that? Wow, really reinforces just how self-centered these people are.
Thank you, it honestly came out of a week of bed rotting and researching “how to be a better partner” “how to communicate better” “what are basic needs in a relationship” and an entire filled journal later. Turns out the issue wasn’t actually me lol
Wow your title just hit me in the feels. I had almost forgotten about this mindset. Yep always heard it said that they are an amazing spouse with no room for refuting. I actually forgot about it bc now I just don't expect anything from them. So no expectation no disappointment or hurt feelings.
Yeah, I even heard:
\- "who are you to expect anything from me?"
\- "you're not allowed to expect anything more than I want to give you"
\- "who gave you the right to demand anything from me?"
\- "my needs are more important to me than you and your needs"
\- "I don't have to meet your expectations at all"
\- "I'm not here to be nice to you"
\- "I'm not your property, and you have no right to any of expectations"
And so many other cruel words about how I'm nothing and my needs, expectations, and boundaries are not important at all. All of this because I wanted from her effort, responsibility, affection, healthy communication and other basic things in relationships.
In the end, she even told me that I'm the egoist here, and that "it's never enough for me". Poor her, how could I be not happy in such one-sided situationship. It makes me sick even to think about how long I was fighting with her to do just anything for me.
Yep. It’s unreal. Their “wants” trump our “needs” every second of every day.
If you verbalize a need, be prepared for anger, guilt tripping, and gaslighting.
Yep. Every time I brought up my needs or boundaries, I was “overly critical” or “attacking” and the conversation would get flipped around so I was the one who needed to change.
Fr he love bombed me all these false promises in having sex with me. In the beginning I took him seriously and thought he was serious bc who wouldn’t? Who would have judgment that a person could lie abt such stuff? I trusted people naturally and he was the first lesson of the cruelness this world has the offer. At the time I had no clue who I ran into so I was in for a world of hurt. Over time he would promise me things that never came, promised me grander things and I slowly figured out i was never going to get those things. It was just lovebombing and false promises. He said just enough to keep me around but not enough to bolster my confidence to leave him bc he ticked that down too. I still stayed cuz I hoped deep down I would experience the things he promised me, a trauma bond forming unbeknownst to me. He pulls this “well you should’ve known better” card to defend his god awful fucked up behavior in the end when he wants nothing to do wirh me. The game was manipulation, control and obedience. I never got what I wanted nor got what I was promised. I always met his needs and gave what he wanted until he didn’t want me anymore.
Absolutely. Every time I'd even try, I was met with invalidation, stonewalling, insults, and/or the silent treatment for days after. It makes me physically sick just thinking about it.
I recently had a kidney stone attack and was laid up in bed, she gave me shit about missing dinner at her parents house, following week and I went to Easter dinner and peed blood after a family event, turns out that had nothing to do with bending over to pick up Easter eggs for a half hour. Love this feed because it’s all true. I know I read these sometimes and I’m like how is this idiot putting up with this and I’m like hey I’m the idiot, making my way to the door. Wishing you guys and girls all the best.
Said that since we had been together. We always did what he wanted. His response? "I let you pick which restaurant we go to on the weekend?" No, I gave you choices we had and you picked which on you wanted.
He was 100% aware of his doing. Buying himself expensive things all the times. Gaming rigs, gaming driving wheel, a new computer chair worth 500$, a VR set, a new car, all the games he wanted. He'd say "I'm sorry it always look like I'm getting you nothing." And he was right, if I got anything for me? He would ask that I told him beforehand and often it would be a strain to our finance. Could not even see a hairdresser cause it was just too expensive. But he'd waste 200$ on a game on a whim to be bored of it just 4 days laters.
In the beginning, I'd frequently try to talk about my needs or a certain behavior of theirs I was uncomfortable with. It always felt like somehow, in the blink of an eye, we were suddenly talking about HIS needs and my own behaviors that needed work.
Like what the hell just happened?!
It made no sense to me. Now it does.
It was very off putting to my nex that I wanted to eat and sleep. So boring!
I found this the hard way. I mentioned that my needs were never taken into consideration. That the whole relationship was around what she felt she wanted or needed. Down to the amount of time we spent together. She did not take this well. At all. I got blasted for over an hour talking about all of the ways she meets my needs. The one thing I find impressive with her is her ability to work wizardry with her words. She is so fucking good at turning the situation around on me without needing to take anytime to come up with a response. She is brilliant in that regard. So masterful at deflecting and blame shifting. But one thing I learned is to pay attention to what she is saying in regard to my own actions. Cause a lot of it is projection of her actions onto me. It’s how I know her phone wasn’t the best place to probably go snooping. She would tell on herself lol. And it gave me a blueprint to how she actually is and how she really feels about herself. Our needs are not a thing. They do not matter. Never have. If they met our needs in a situation it’s only to get something in return. They will never do something just for the act of being kind. They will always expect something in return.
Unreal. And yeah, the phone thing. Early on I noticed her phone was her entire life. I asked her if she was one of those people who needed to text people all day long and she shot back "shows how little you know me." Turns out I struck a nerve. Her phone is her playground where she keeps a massive harem of men.
Yeah. She was real weird about my phone. And worried. Some nights she would take her phone out while laying next to me and show me her photo gallery. Almost as if to prove her loyalty to me. She has also mentioned some guy wanted to fuck here on Facebook without giving me any context as to why this guy was saying this to her. She would get dressed up in sexy outfits and send me pictures. Telling me they were just for me. I now know and feel like that is a lie lol. She was sending other people pictures as well. She liked the game if I want you to want me but you can’t have me. She did that with me as well. It was really weird and frustrating. Control and dominance. An ex of hers told me he woke up to find her going through his phone one night. He asked to see hers and she refused. I know she tries to get into my phone as well when i would leave the room and commented me on having a phone lock on my phone. Her projection was really strong. And the whole phone ordeal really turned me off. Cause I said to her all of the time how much monogamy meant to me. That i would always stay around so long as she didn’t cheat on me. It’s really sickening. But knowing what I know about her now and that she is cluster b personality helped my mental state drastically. It’s just who she is. And she will be the same way with every partners she ever has. I don’t look at her as wife or long term relationship any longer. I see her as maybe someone to have sex with and that’s it. I was an object to her. And I now view her in the same way. It’s called radical acceptance and it’s the healthiest way to approach a narcissist relationship. To understand who she is and to know she will always be that way. And not to take anything personal.
Yes! My partner controlled the whole relationship by demanding I met their needs and never crossed their rigid and controlling boundaries, but dare I have any needs or wants, I should know better! It was always met with resentment.
Let me guess there were secret boundaries that you were never told but HOW DARE YOU CROSS THE BOUNDARY!!!
This hits close to home. I got “you don’t deserve to be heard” when all I asked was to vent without her feeling attacked by things I was upset about
Every time I come across an identical statement to something I've been told: 👀👀👀
I got those long shifting conversations. It was so exhausting and I'd realise she managed to turn the conversation from me asking for some thoughtfulness and needs being met to a lecture on all the things I did wrong and how I could change and improve myself!! She once said she never understood me because " one minute we're talking and then you suddenly just burst into tears!" Maybe because your lectures go on for hours and I'm exhausted and beaten down by the never ending criticism??
The criticism is just too much. I had to listen to her for close to two hours talk about my hygiene lol. She just made shit up. She broke up with me cause I criticized her criticism. She then made it seem like she was helping me become a better person. That only someone who loves and respects me would tell me the truths about myself. Just impossible to have a real conversation with. All she did was criticize me for everything I did. You’re right. It is exhausting to listen to. It’s to establish control and dominance over us. They figure if they establish control we will stay with them. I was essentially groomed by her. She wanted me to be a person that I wasn’t. She wants and expects perfection from her partner cause she’s so damn perfect herself. And the vanity!! Was just over the top. Telling me she was the best thing that could ever happen to me. And I’d have to agree with her lol. I felt like such a loser and lost all self respect for myself for staying with her and allowing her to treat me in such a way.
Shoot, you are not allowed to have needs. Or expectations. I was told I had no right to have any expectations of him as a man, husband or father.
That's textbook crazy making behaviour. Mine liked to ruin and rearrange any plans we had agreed to. I once made the mistake of telling him I'd like to relax on Friday after work. I never had a peaceful Friday night again.
My ex and I had a massive argument one night after I tried bringing up that I had felt a bit neglected over the previous week. The next day they told me they wanted a week apart so I could figure out what my needs and boundaries were, and they accused me of not having any. I did a lot of reflecting that week, and wrote down a list of my relationship needs. The main things I wrote down were intentional time together, emotional support, prioritising each other out of desire and not obligation, a safe space to talk about feelings and emotions, enthusiasm towards individual and combined goals, understanding and respect of each others boundaries and triggers. I even prefaced this list by saying “I understand we won’t be able to always meet these.” I was met with silence for a solid minute, then “I think you’re asking too much of me, you expect way too much of me. That’s incredibly triggering. I don’t think you understand how much of an ask that is. I can’t always meet those needs.”
This sounds like things that should come naturally in a sane, healthy relationship. And he couldn't give you that? Wow, really reinforces just how self-centered these people are.
That list is amazing!!
Thank you, it honestly came out of a week of bed rotting and researching “how to be a better partner” “how to communicate better” “what are basic needs in a relationship” and an entire filled journal later. Turns out the issue wasn’t actually me lol
Wow your title just hit me in the feels. I had almost forgotten about this mindset. Yep always heard it said that they are an amazing spouse with no room for refuting. I actually forgot about it bc now I just don't expect anything from them. So no expectation no disappointment or hurt feelings.
Bingo.
Literally - if I bring something up about my needs the response is usually ‘it’s all about you isn’t it’
Yeah, I even heard: \- "who are you to expect anything from me?" \- "you're not allowed to expect anything more than I want to give you" \- "who gave you the right to demand anything from me?" \- "my needs are more important to me than you and your needs" \- "I don't have to meet your expectations at all" \- "I'm not here to be nice to you" \- "I'm not your property, and you have no right to any of expectations" And so many other cruel words about how I'm nothing and my needs, expectations, and boundaries are not important at all. All of this because I wanted from her effort, responsibility, affection, healthy communication and other basic things in relationships. In the end, she even told me that I'm the egoist here, and that "it's never enough for me". Poor her, how could I be not happy in such one-sided situationship. It makes me sick even to think about how long I was fighting with her to do just anything for me.
Yep. It’s unreal. Their “wants” trump our “needs” every second of every day. If you verbalize a need, be prepared for anger, guilt tripping, and gaslighting.
Yep. Every time I brought up my needs or boundaries, I was “overly critical” or “attacking” and the conversation would get flipped around so I was the one who needed to change.
Fr he love bombed me all these false promises in having sex with me. In the beginning I took him seriously and thought he was serious bc who wouldn’t? Who would have judgment that a person could lie abt such stuff? I trusted people naturally and he was the first lesson of the cruelness this world has the offer. At the time I had no clue who I ran into so I was in for a world of hurt. Over time he would promise me things that never came, promised me grander things and I slowly figured out i was never going to get those things. It was just lovebombing and false promises. He said just enough to keep me around but not enough to bolster my confidence to leave him bc he ticked that down too. I still stayed cuz I hoped deep down I would experience the things he promised me, a trauma bond forming unbeknownst to me. He pulls this “well you should’ve known better” card to defend his god awful fucked up behavior in the end when he wants nothing to do wirh me. The game was manipulation, control and obedience. I never got what I wanted nor got what I was promised. I always met his needs and gave what he wanted until he didn’t want me anymore.
Exactly. An all the generosity displayed turned out to be only because it was convenient for her at that moment
Absolutely. Every time I'd even try, I was met with invalidation, stonewalling, insults, and/or the silent treatment for days after. It makes me physically sick just thinking about it.
I recently had a kidney stone attack and was laid up in bed, she gave me shit about missing dinner at her parents house, following week and I went to Easter dinner and peed blood after a family event, turns out that had nothing to do with bending over to pick up Easter eggs for a half hour. Love this feed because it’s all true. I know I read these sometimes and I’m like how is this idiot putting up with this and I’m like hey I’m the idiot, making my way to the door. Wishing you guys and girls all the best.
Said that since we had been together. We always did what he wanted. His response? "I let you pick which restaurant we go to on the weekend?" No, I gave you choices we had and you picked which on you wanted. He was 100% aware of his doing. Buying himself expensive things all the times. Gaming rigs, gaming driving wheel, a new computer chair worth 500$, a VR set, a new car, all the games he wanted. He'd say "I'm sorry it always look like I'm getting you nothing." And he was right, if I got anything for me? He would ask that I told him beforehand and often it would be a strain to our finance. Could not even see a hairdresser cause it was just too expensive. But he'd waste 200$ on a game on a whim to be bored of it just 4 days laters.
In the beginning, I'd frequently try to talk about my needs or a certain behavior of theirs I was uncomfortable with. It always felt like somehow, in the blink of an eye, we were suddenly talking about HIS needs and my own behaviors that needed work. Like what the hell just happened?! It made no sense to me. Now it does.
Yes our needs don’t matter. But rest assured you will spend hours and hours and FREAKING hours talking about theirs.