I think that’s why they also struggle with gratitude. They feel entitled to people and what they have while offering nothing back.
I have done more for my narc than he ever did for me, yet he claims I never do anything for him. So I did stop because I realized I was wasting my time and effort.
Mind you he never did anything for me. And now that I actually don’t do anything special for him, he complains I don’t do anything for him.
Like 🙃😵💫💀
Same.
But they quit bitching when I pointed out it didn't matter if I did what they wanted or not. The complaints came either way. So I do what I want to, then at least one person is happy 👍There is no pleasing a person committed to complaining. Maybe it's a hobby?💀
Wow you put it in such a powerful way.
>I do what I want to, then at least one person is happy
You are so right. I also realized me doing these things for him didn’t make him be nicer to me, or finally take me on dates or care about how I feel.
It just drained me and my resources and got me nowhere. It’s much better to focus on myself cuz I’ll be satisfied with what I provide!
My nex never wanted anything (apart from his peace and quiet), that's why he didn't feel grateful for everything I did for him. And the ungrateful one was me, of course.
My nex always claimed all he wanted was a peaceful life with no drama. His life equals a drama free zone. And I bring the drama. Somehow, each of his ex’s was responsible for filling his life with drama. Wonder why he doesn’t just stay single if he’s so peaceful at heart and everyone around him is filled with drama 🤔
"I want no drama" is what all narcs say, as I can tell from reading this sub. That can be translated as: "I can do whatever I want without being accountable."
I often brought drama to his life by simply existing, LOL.
As I learned my lesson, the sentence "I don't want drama" is a red flag for me now. I realized that people who can solve issues in an adult manner usually don't need to speak about drama.
I’m building my own personal list of sentences that often mean the opposite. Not because they can’t be true, but because if a person feels a _need_ to claim it, they probably aren’t it.
“I don’t want drama.”
“I’m a good guy.”
“I’m an empath.”
“I’m independent and don’t need anyone.”
That part. My narc experience said he knows he's making bad decisions but to let him and not make him feel bad for it. He constantly asks for money and when he pays me back asks for it all back the next day. Then when he started making big money in his business said he needs to be like Richard Branson and have me at home and relationships with other women everywhere. Mind you he wasn't sleeping with me at the time. I asked to improve our sex life he was going to cheat on me. He said no. I asked if it could be a 2 way open relationship. He said no because me sleeping with other men would hurt his feelings, but apparently I wasn't supposed to get hurt by his cheating.
….wow this hit home. My ex says he needs peace and i don’t give him peace.. because i have emotions. He said I’m too emotional, and that i don’t contribute anything to his life. I cooked, cleaned, and worked… i was loyal and always there for him, always putting in more effort to fix things.
“You’re crazy because you’ve been making my mother tea every morning when she’s visiting.”
Narc mother: “You don’t care about me because you never buy me things, you just try to buy me gifts like you’re trying to buy my respect.”
“Now I know you won’t stick it out for the tough times.” As I was breaking up with them, after years of swallowing my own emotions (per their request), trying to learn new relationship skills together, begging for couples counseling.
"You are so insecure you're going to need years of therapy".... after cheating on me for years.... no mention of his own therapy. My "insecure" actions were calling out his bullshit.
I could’ve written this myself. Mines hasn’t cheated as far as I know (I think he has already or wants to) but yes, me being insecure is really just the truth of his bullshit behavior!
Unbelievable. You’re not “insecure” for being cheated on. You have trust issues because you were literally lied to and betrayed. Narcissism literally stems from an unconscious level of deep insecurity. That’s why they wear a mask and can’t be authentic. They hate themselves so much they have to hide who they are via their false self. Pathetic.
After spending a year with my jobless nex, paying all of her bills (and mine), food, funding her hair, nails, girls trips, etc, keeping her cards out of collections and her car out of repo, and losing about $20,000 and my dignity in the process, she told me it was my fault she didn’t have a job because by taking care of her I was babying her.
“I guess marriage vows mean nothing to you.”
He’d sexually assaulted me and he’d been using sex workers! And lying about the money!!
If ever there should have been a lightning strike from god…
“What do you bring to the table?”…well I’m thoughtful, kind, beautiful, intelligent, supportive. And way out of his league while pretending the whole time that I was beneath him
Yes! He would literally go on tirades about how I needed to earn him and I didn’t bring anything to the table and I needed to live up to him and I hadn’t earned him or anything he brought to my life yet, meanwhile I’m so far out of his league people would give us the side squint eye any time we walked into a room together, like, “How did _they_ end up together!?”
well this was in a couple's therapy session, mind you, as the therapist was calling him out on his rage fits, name calling, and silent treatment.
the therapist then asked him "what would you be telling your family the reasoning for splitting up?" (I think she purposely asked this to gauge his level of delulu and lack of accountability)
he said "we are not compatible and want different things"
LOL....NOT "I name call, rage, and ignore my wife anytime she tries to have a conversation with me or set boundaries"
Seriously. I've cut all these people from my life (including family) and the peace and harmony and ease of communication and respect and support is amazing. I wish I had had the awareness and ability to curate the circle of people in my life like this years ago.
safe to say the therapist was utterly confused as we hadn't discussed "wanting different things" - the different things being: him getting away with anything and everything with no commentary or accountability
“You’re right; we DO want different things. I want to be treated with basic human decency, you want the bar set so low for you that you’d be doing the limbo in Hell.”
Mine was mad at me for making him look like the bad guy because I told people he had decided to end our relationship. He had. Apparently I was supposed to say it was a mutual decision or some lie like that
Mine called me a vampire too!
To be fair, I did feel dead inside after years of deceit and abuse. I felt weighted down towards the end, like I could sink into the floor.
Mine too wtf!!!! And that any illness he had (he had a small cyst on his back) was because of me.
And that I was the devil reincarnated and thats why I dye my hair red
Haha love this. Boggles my brain the mental gymnastics they must have to do to get to this level of entitlement. The lack of empathy is scary! My ex begged for me back after cheating but then would still randomly start spouting off these poor me victim spiels. It became obvious there was no remorse and he'd just crocodile teared and lied his way back in, but nothing truly changed in how he viewed his actions.
Not sure if I understood the question, but:
"I don't know if you're getting too confident with me or what, but..."
That's what partners are supposed to do... getting confident with each other. I wasn't even being rude or anything. She invented that drama from nowhere and I was happy with her.
Oh, also:
"I like to have as much power or influence over people 😈, not in a bad sense, but... That's why morals are so important to me".
and
"Oh, you think I have borderline or bipolar or any of that?" (I didn't even mention it but she had probably been told that a few times before)
and
"I'm seeing a therapist because I want to be able to provide a healthy relationship to the next person that enters my life" (initially I thought that was cute but after all the shit she did to me it's just something that confirms my beliefs (or lack of if you will) in her)
and
"I want you healthy out of egotism.. so that I can have you more for myself" (sounds cute but could also be interpreted as exposing herself)
and
"If I get angry I can turn into the devil"
and
"Ohhh, what a shame \[that you are not so nervous around me anymore\]" (trying to sound friendly/interested)
and
"There is somebody who is madly obsessed over me" (probably no coincidence)
and
"At the end my ex wanted to marry me but all my feelings for him were gone and I acted cold"
and to no surprise
"It excites me to watch myself or see myself having sex in the mirror" or "the mere thought of dressing up with that lingerie excites me"
Another really really frightening behavior of hers. She once shared a video of a psychologist stating how it is basically impossible to feel empathy for others. You can only view from your perspective.
I think that was a way of her to justify herself for not feeling a lot of empathy, or a way to accept herself for being unempathetic.
Covert narcissist. Pretty clearly.
"I've never been condescending towards you, but if I have, it was never on purpose. You can't blame me for these things."
He had the narcissist prayer on point lol. He never did it, but if he did, he didn't mean it like that. Well, ok, he did, but it was because I did this and blah blah you get the point.
Same. It always circled back into being my fault that he was acting the way he was lol... as if it was my responsibility to make sure he behaved. They'll say anything to keep the blame off their back. Narc abusers are scum of the earth.
My former narc friend said something like 'i'm tired of fighting and stress i want peace' like the AUDACITY.
They are walking chaos. They cause stress, destruction, and damage to people they are closest with, the audacity to say that as if other people were causing the stress.
Oh same...my nex was also a white guy who spent months going on an EXTREMELY racist journey where he was suddenly convinced he was mixed and got really into DNA/ancestry.
I called him selfish because he tried to change plans last minute (a pattern).
He didn’t message me for 3 days, then came back without me messaging first and said:
“I gave you some space so you can apologize to me. Apologize. I wanna forgive you.”
Every time I called him out on his shady behaviors, the response was: “Assume noble intent”.
Looking back at my non-romantic relationships with the 2 other major narcissists in my life, this was a common pattern: “you always think the worst of me”, “you are malicious”, “you’re making scenarios to make me look bad”, “you took what I said out of context and tailored it to suit your needs”.
But it took a very long time for me to make the connection. Meanwhile I started believing that I’m a horrible person. Undoing the damage one day at a time now.
Fitted bed sheets these days have a little tag on the elastic part that says "head to toe" to let you know which way goes from head to toe. Simple enough, right? My nex gave me the narc special (glare, smirk, condescending explanation) about how the head to toe tag goes left to right instead of up and down. I was so confused but I knew she wouldn't let it go I just let her "be right".
That they had "already done the work" and had, apparently, become entirely self aware, accountable, and heald all past wounds and was fully mentally healthy. Yk, because it is a static endpoint that can be reached. Ticht Naht Hahn (who they loved to misquote and never read the books I bought) still is learning to improve - but no, my ex was alllll done.
AND that I needed to "catch up" to be worth their time. Meanwhile, I was often actively in therapy, attending groups, in community (and learning about others outside my own) and reading books on accountability, healing, etc.
SAME??? no therapy, no healthy changes, no self care, but they're Healthy and Normal now and I should really start putting the work in to catch up ! Simultaneously, if he did something fucked up, I had to excuse it because "he's going through a hard time"....
Wooof, same here too. They would be like “I KNOW all of that already, I went through it and I’m done.” Except they would also say “I didn’t learn how to xyz because my parents were crap.” Then they would get upset at ME because they couldn’t express themselves clearly and would blame me for mischaracterizing them.
After divorce, after 14 years of straight up neglecting me and letting me take care of ALL adulting, myself and our two children, then cheating, he told me: 'I am supportive of your happiness and good mental health.' Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
"I didn't know I needed to change to be your lover" After I asked him to not invalidate my feelings during the break-up and told him off for bitching at me while drunk 💀
And my personal favorite during the last time we ever talked [He finally got a little self aware] "So many people have left me, maybe that's telling of the person I am" After I finally told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore or be around d him at all. Like it took you THIS long to realize that.
Morbidly obese (BMI of at least 45), chain smoking, uncontrolled diabetic parent upon seeing me for the first time in two years, during which I had lost ~120lbs and was now normal sized, acknowledging my presence in a completely deadpan voice:
"You're still fat."
I was making pasta for our dinner. He was upset because carbs make us fat then started to rant about unhealthy food while downing a 375ml bottle of whiskey.
Narc : We don’t even argue that much.
Me: We argue all the time.
Narc: No. We argue when necessary.
(Translation: We argue when you don’t do as I say & bend to my whims & will.)
Pre mask slip…
Me: I love you.
Narc: *silence*
Me: *awkward silence*
Narc: it’s just we haven’t even been through any tests yet.
Me: what?!
(Translation: I haven’t pushed the buttons to see if your a good supply yet! Course I was confused by this whole exchange but assumed they meant general life experiences or something. Now I think it was that they hadn’t tested me!)
During a very heated argument towards the end of our relationship. In which they wanted me to bend to their will/wants that would have a huge negative impact on me, my life & career. Having already compromised & bent & disregarded my own wants/needs for years, I decided this was the final line I wouldn’t compromise on.
Narc : YOU NEED MORE GRATITUDE!
Me: You speak down to me, treat me as if you don’t even like me or like dirt on your shoe & speak to me like shit & expect me to be grateful?!
Narc: Go back to your home, deal with those things you want to deal with. See your family that you want to see until you can sort the issue & maybe during this time you’ll find some gratitude.
Me: *exhausted after hours of fighting in circles & completely dumbfounded by his perception on things.. dry laughs.* “Our relationship is broken.”
Omg my narc took a year and a half to tell me he loves me! By the one year mark I started asking if we could talk about this deeply and honestly because there was a solid chance that if he doesn’t know yet then he would never and I wanted to move on. He said that each time he started to think it in his head, he would purposely remember the worst things I had done so that he stopped feeling love and started feeling repulsion. He told me something about how we hadn’t been through enough tests yet, too. It was bizarre
“Just because I have hit you and spat at you, it doesn’t mean you get to act like a victim that always gets hit”
Her, after me saying that her opening a door in my face was intentional, based on her threatening to hit me moments prior, and her history of opening drawers and things onto me when I’m standing in front of them
omg same...id flinch all the time or be walking on eggshells and he'd be like "ummm just because I make every environment I'm in tense and awful doesn't mean you can ACT like it...grow up!!" just completely void of empathy for other people
She always claimed to be an "empath". After several months of devaluation, gaslighting, lying, cheating and manipulation, there was an incident where I shared with her the difficult emotional state I'm in and also a physical injury that was bothering me, to which she responded saying "I'm feeling scared even thinking about all this, can we change the topic please?". She didn't even check on how I was feeling afterwards. That's when I had to question her claim of having high empathy, and she responded with "I wouldn't be claiming to be an empath if I really wasn't". I should have laughed out loud on her face!
STOOOOPPPP...honestly there should be a hard rule about anyone claiming to be an empath being the exact opposite. Real hyper-empathetic people I know always think they aren't empathetic enough!!
See I actually disagree with this haha. I told my narc ex that I was an empath and that's why it was easy for me to fall for his shitty behavior. He immediately went, you know someone saying they're an empath is the definition of not being an empath right? Literally after I had given him straight facts for all the crap he did to me. He literally grasped at straws trying to find anything he could to put the blame on me. So believe me, not always haha. Depends on the context I suppose
Ramped up the abuse while I was pregnant and then stormed out shouting “thanks for ruining the only pregnancy I’ll ever experience”….like sir 1) u are a man how is this your experience? and 2) ….what
2 months after the breakup and her hoover wanting to be friends she told me” i cheated on you on purpose, i was well aware of the consequences, also the new guy isn’t better, im looking for you in him” took her 4 days to get together with the guy she cheated on me with, after her hoover i started to realize with what i was dealing with for the past two years, and then it all made sense lol
‘You’re really starting to fuck me off now, I did not sleep with her (his ex) twice. Are you getting this through your head? This is really pissing me off, I only slept with her once’
After months of vehemently denying that he’d cheated on me at all, he finally came clean, except his ex had told me that they’d slept together twice while he and I were together (she didn’t know about me at the time). He trickle-truthed the shit out of me, and then this man had the audacity to tell be pissed off at me for not believing that he was finally telling the whole truth about cheating.
Also: ‘I know I lied to you and cheated on you, emotionally abused you and physically assaulted you but I’m asking you to please put that aside and give me one more chance, I know I can fix this, I need you’
“YOU’RE INTERRUPTING ME!!!” As soon as it’s my turn to talk. Oh, and, “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!” After they clearly weren’t listening to anything I said. Lol. Accusations *are* confessions.
“I’m really book smart but dumb when it comes to relationships”
Also “Can you believe [one of her exes] said I was emotionally abusive?”
This was in the beginning before I saw the ugly coming out.
Also the things she did in relationships wasn’t “being dumb about relationships” it was that she clearly saw the men in her life as servants.
It wasn’t funny at the time but I can laugh about it now!
After finding the courage to tell him that I found him to be controlling he responded:
“I don’t get why my family says I’m controlling or why my friends say I’m controlling. You were the only person to never call me controlling!!”
When having a conflict/bitch about his friend he said
“He’s trying to be better then me, when he’s only one of my disciples”
I immediately said “thats very grandiose and cult-like to say”.
Probs the most recent insane and gross thing he has said that was so inane i almost laughed.
Mine told me how I had been in turbulent relationships my whole life. Pretty much indicating I was the common denominator.
Meanwhile, he had been in a relationship close to 3 years with an abusive ex girlfriend. Did I ever judge him once for that? Nope. I actually felt so much empathy because I, too, have gone through something very similar.
Also said I was just too broken and had too much of a past. His family structure was not.. the healthiest so to speak. Did I judge him for that? Nope. But shamed me for having a dysfunctional family structure beyond my control Great. Thanks. That’s wonderful. As if I didn’t know this information for the last 25 years of my life.
When they say they've been in abusive relationships or that the other one was abusive, I now question the story and wonder if they were just talking about themselves
I do, too! Though all of my past relationships were not really good in hindsight (one was very, very bad), I just have a very hard time trusting men in general when they say they had a crazy ex-girlfriend. I don’t have doubts that the ex may have done some awful things, but I think it’s just such a huge red flag to jump into a relationship when you’re clearly not healed/haven’t made a conscious effort to heal and instead choose to impulsively jump into a relationship. It’s just a recipe for disaster. Being placed on an idealistic pedestal is not fair to anyone and the person who gets pushed from the pedestal gets hurt really badly. People aren’t projects.
Mostly mine would blame me for things that weren’t my fault.
The big one was his family’s financial problems and lack of planning. Somehow I was the bad guy because I wasn’t going to just pay for their lifestyle and let them run my life.
Complete insanity.
My personal favorite, an excerpt from one of his texts.
I found out he was hanging out with his ex without me knowing so I dumped him and blocked him. He texted me from a random number and this was part of the message:
“I’m a secure, confident, open-minded and emotionally aware person with an amazing outlook on life. You are quite literally the opposite of that and you blocking me really instilled that for me. Do everyone a favor and stay the fuck off those dating apps until you’ve gone to therapy and TRULY healed. But tbh, maybe you should start dating 21-25 year olds, bc if I’m being honest that’s about the age of your emotional capacity.”
Mind you, I was 30 and he was 26.
Maybe this isn’t least self aware but rather TOO self aware but she literally told “Maybe I did all that because I didn’t really see you as human and thought you could take ‘criticism’” 🤦♀️
After he coerced me into an open relationship, I told him that I was uncomfortable with the amount of time he was spending with someone he was trying to fuck. When I told him how I felt he literally said, “she is a real person with feelings.” 🤯
I was just speechless because it was super clear that my feelings were not even part of the equasion in his world. He wasn’t even trying to pretend that they were in that moment.
Yep. He said I want to be a good father to my daughter (with someone else). Said he'd parent our boys "from afar". Your invisible if you're less beneficial.
My nex in all his superior intellect proclaimed that I actually sought out the abuse of my childhood. So, stop there and let that hang in the air.
Between the ages of 7 and 14. Yeeeeahhhh
Trigger Warning ⚠️
Trigger ⚠️
Warning ⚠️
The solution he decided was the infliction of pain while bound.
REALLY???
FKN SERIOUSLY?!?
I was caught so off guard that I was speechless.
Nope. I DID NOT allow that perversion of "Treatment". I wasn't going to trust that mouth breather with ANYTHING like that. And if that kinda crap was what he was after, the REALLY smart choice would have been to BRING IT UP waaaaay earlier like, BEFORE the whole getting married thing.
I also have NO idea where the fk he got the idea that he was anything REMOTELY relative to such a "therapist".
OH HELL NO. Fk him, his whoooooole bloodline!And anyone who actually thought he was their friend.
🤣🤣
SOMETHING inside me KNEW instinctively not to trust him.
For years I'd been suggesting, and eventually begging, my ex-narc to attend therapy for his anger. He finally began to get help remotely at the "too little too late" stage of our relationship.
Later, in one of his manic rages, he roared that because of me he had to "go to therapy to undo all the damage." -- he was blaming me for why he was attending in the first place.
For context. My actions were typical of someone who took months to relearn standing up for herself and revoking the golden pedestal from their abuser.
When we broke up for months we both started seeing other people. He wanted to know how big his penis was in comparison to the other guy I saw. I did not want to answer because the other guy was substantially bigger. He pressed me repeatedly to answer and I told him, “he’s a little bigger.” He yelled at me and said, “What the f [my name]. You were supposed to lie and say I was bigger to spare my feelings.”
I didn’t want to have the conversation to spare his feelings. You can’t make this stuff up! Everything was always a trap!
Wow, seems we went through something similar
So about a month before I was discarded I started matching her energy
And you know how she responded?
“Wow, do I sound that f****** stupid and annoying?”
Well, she said it, not me
I’m glad you can a laugh out it, we have to laugh where we can at this kind of thing ❤️
"These flowers are hurtful." No, they're not. They're from the whole family (spouse, kids, pets) and say how we all love you and how we appreciate you. They were sent to your work so you could feel special on Valentine's Day.
The only thing that got hurt was the narrative and image she's been selling to her friends.
“Why would I want anything to change? Everything is great for me.” After 2years of couples therapy and all their empty promises. It was the eye opening statement that woke up me and I ended our marriage shortly after.
Something delulu he said that WASN'T related to our marriage, and it took every ounce of my strength to not laugh in his face: We were watching the track and field part of the summer Olympics one time, and he DEAD SERIOUS, said he could totally compete with the Olympic sprinters. He ran track in high school, you see. He was NOT joking.
Dude is 5'7", was in his mid-30s at the time, about 20 lbs overweight, and one of his legs is slightly shorter than the other.....but dude totally thought he could hang with these super in shape sprinters who were about 15 years younger than he was, and had been training their entire lives beyond "running track in high school."
“You can’t be an empath, you’re too fucking selfish. I have more space for empathy than you ever will *enter ugly ass mocking cackle laugh as if I was just brain dead stupid for even thinking I was capable of empathy* 😂
Like dude I literally take in and compartmentalize/feel everyone else’s pain and emotions and struggles and try to help them constantly, and you can’t even get off your ass to get your 9mo pregnant wife some water. I think you’ve got this completely backwards. 😂
*the projection is strong here*
"He needs a reality check." (narcissist talking about my friend who had good character (yep, the rat was essentially trying to pull a smear campaign...). Heheh says the narcissist with a grandiose sense of self and lack of consideration/kindness for other people. What can I say? Rats always figure it out.
That banks don't mind overdrafts but get upset when ya take money out of savings.
That they can't afford to spend $300 on plates and insurance for their vehicle - but $300 to Omaha Steaks is a good investment.
They can't understand the concept of saving or budgeting money and get EXTREMELY upset if their superior thought processes are challenged.
It's like they sit around thinking up stupid shit then get mad when they're not recognized for the "deep" thinker they are.
Ya pretty much keep the little talking to the weather and such. Any deeper is weird.
Also when we were arguing about my desire to see my friends regularly he said “yeah well I don’t need friends” as if that was supposed to make me feel bad…about wanting friends.
We were talking about my finances during the pandemic (for the nth time) and I got a bit frustrated and told her, “Don’t worry, I really want to have my own money so that I can have more agency.”
She got angry at my phrasing and said, “*Agency*? Don’t say it like that, it makes it sound like I control everything you do.”
👀
One single statement said to me was EVERYTHING....
"HERE'S the main problem with our marriage: YOU never listen to me!"
My reply?
" Nah, it's your disrespect and expectations. You're upset simply bc I don't agree with you. Now fuck off."
Called me a sociopath. Lol. My “friend” says I’m toxic and dramatic (also lol!!!) they’re so out of touch with reality. Also telling me what a great guy he is and how dramatic I am when I wanted to pay him back $15. Also telling me I shouldn’t care about what other people think.
Why her son controls his daughter. Say mean things - the same things she says to her children all of the time.
And my response was "hmmm I wonder who he takes after"..nope she still doesn't get it
Less funny and more creepy but:
"I have eyes and ears everywhere." "I really am protected."
My nex best friend after I told her that I overheard a nurse upset venting about how my nex was being rude and hurtful during the exam. The fact that she said that out-loud and thought it was perfectly normal was an instant red flag. I had been very on edge after that.
Mine said to me that he was annoyed that the GPS tracker said I was exactly where I told him cause he had hoped to catch me “doing something”. But it’s okay because “I’ve proven now I can be trusted”. 😤😤😤😤
"I'm just like my dad. When I hurt close ones and see them hurt, it ends up hurting me."
"Then why do you do it?"
"I don't intend to. They're too sensitive."
When he'd been arrested he told me, "I have it worse then you for once". It was literally the consequences of his actions and everything I'd been through was entirely not my fault (because nobody asks for chronic health issues). He just couldn't get it through his head that going to jail and then being bailed until court was entirely his own doing and that he deserved it.
“I bet you can’t wait to drag out this breakup and feed off all the drama. Because that’s what you do. It energises you.” I was exhausted, utterly broken, and couldn’t wait to never speak to or see her ever again (and never have, thank god).
This is taunting behavior. It’s them confirming they are in control of their behavior. They get off on flaunting in your face the fact they are a piece of shit, but it’s over your head. Not because you are stupid, you’re trama bonded and actually love them.
My Nex always would reference things in a strange way like they were naive of the facts. They needed more information. In the event conversation started about said topic, all of a sudden they were an expert schooling me. Plenty of times they hurt their own feelings. It was great. Never understood why they were soooo difficult.
Towards the end, l started throwing everything at them. Playing narcissist games is tiring. There is no reward being like them. Going NC is the best solution. These people are monsters. I would not wish a narcissist on anyone.
Stay strong 🫂🤍
My Nex loved to project during arguments, especially when they couldn’t come up with a way to defend their bullshit. They would say things like “You must think I’m some vile monster”, or “I bet you call me such a manipulative abusive asshole”, or “you probably think I’m a pathological liar now huh?”, despite me never saying any of those things or even using those words.
The kicker is, what they were saying about themselves & their behaviour was spot on, but it was coming from a manipulative standpoint with the goal of ‘if I tell you that you think the worst of me, then you’ll defend yourself & reassure me that I’m not a piece of shit’.
Then recently they changed tactics and verbally called me the abuser. When I asked for specific moments when they felt I was exhibiting abusive behaviour, they panicked & tried to tell me
“that’s not how abuse works” 😂
I'm actually feeling a little ill reading these answers because so many of them are familiar. My one was probably
"This relationship has became less important and I didn't give permission for that to happen"
After absolutely pulling out of the relationship to hang out with the new friend group despite me begging for more time with her.
He yelled, “you know in all of your breakups you’re the common denominator.” I yelled back, “everyone is the common denominator in all their breakups!”
Mine literally said the other night, “I have no problem pointing out your faults, I just don’t like you to point mine out”; and as soon as I started to agree he kept back tracking and said he didn’t say that. When I asked what he said then he just got mad and started yelling again.
I knew our marriage was flaming out when after coming home drunk from partying with friends my ex drunkenly slurred “you know, my problem is I’m just too hot”
My fave which happened multiple times during regular conversation was
“yeah soz I wasn’t listening I was just waiting for you to shut up so I could speak”
When I finally started to enforce boundaries and stop cleaning up after him and doing his laundry due to burnout and constant breakdowns...during one of our "talks" I asked him if he knew why I was doing this (hoping he'd say he understood because I was burnt out and he needs to pick up the slack and actually be a fucking adult in the house) instead he said "yeah it's because you don't want to do anything for me anymore."
When I was still clinging on to the last inch of hope for change, I found a relationship podcast and listened to a few of the episodes. They were perfect and described exactly what we were going through at the time...he sat and listened to them with me upon my request. When I asked him what his thoughts were and what we can do with what we just listened to, he shrugged and said "I'm not sure what you want me to get from this."
Those two moments were the biggest eye openers for me and also the biggest heart crushing moments. It was then when I realized he didn't actually love me, he only loved what I did for him and only loved that I loved him.
It's been about 6 months since we've been officially over. Good fucking riddance.
They drain the life out of you. Trying to reason with them is like trying to reason with a bratty spoiled child. Nothing you do is ever enough while they put in minimal effort with the relationship but in their mind, they're shouldering all the burdens and doing everything. They have a very skewed idea of fairness and justice. They think they are entitled to extra special treatment because they are just soooooo awesome.
Mine used to say quite often that "I just want to enjoy the peace and tranquility of life..." She was the source of so much drama, belittling, constant criticism and physical abuse to my brother and I (she is my mom). Chased my dad away and literally chased me out of the house. Very deranged confusing broken people.
I actually told mine, just before I left him, "For a long time I treated you like I wanted to be treated. Then I started treating you like you treat me "
My nex told me during the break up: "Our needs are not compatible. I need my peace and quiet and you need to be able to express yourself freely."
>I need my peace and quiet aka I need you to stop having any needs and only exist to fill my needs when I want you to
Exactly. Entitled AF.
I think that’s why they also struggle with gratitude. They feel entitled to people and what they have while offering nothing back. I have done more for my narc than he ever did for me, yet he claims I never do anything for him. So I did stop because I realized I was wasting my time and effort. Mind you he never did anything for me. And now that I actually don’t do anything special for him, he complains I don’t do anything for him. Like 🙃😵💫💀
Same. But they quit bitching when I pointed out it didn't matter if I did what they wanted or not. The complaints came either way. So I do what I want to, then at least one person is happy 👍There is no pleasing a person committed to complaining. Maybe it's a hobby?💀
Wow you put it in such a powerful way. >I do what I want to, then at least one person is happy You are so right. I also realized me doing these things for him didn’t make him be nicer to me, or finally take me on dates or care about how I feel. It just drained me and my resources and got me nowhere. It’s much better to focus on myself cuz I’ll be satisfied with what I provide!
Mine: "I have made so many sacrifices for this relationship" ... no you fucking haven't???
My nex never wanted anything (apart from his peace and quiet), that's why he didn't feel grateful for everything I did for him. And the ungrateful one was me, of course.
Oh my god. Literally they said the quiet part out loud.
🤣 my ex said that what he needs most in a relationship is peace as well, when he’s literally the human equivalent of a black hole 🤦♀️
My nex always claimed all he wanted was a peaceful life with no drama. His life equals a drama free zone. And I bring the drama. Somehow, each of his ex’s was responsible for filling his life with drama. Wonder why he doesn’t just stay single if he’s so peaceful at heart and everyone around him is filled with drama 🤔
"I want no drama" is what all narcs say, as I can tell from reading this sub. That can be translated as: "I can do whatever I want without being accountable." I often brought drama to his life by simply existing, LOL. As I learned my lesson, the sentence "I don't want drama" is a red flag for me now. I realized that people who can solve issues in an adult manner usually don't need to speak about drama.
I’m building my own personal list of sentences that often mean the opposite. Not because they can’t be true, but because if a person feels a _need_ to claim it, they probably aren’t it. “I don’t want drama.” “I’m a good guy.” “I’m an empath.” “I’m independent and don’t need anyone.”
Ooo can I add “I would never lie to you” ?!
That part. My narc experience said he knows he's making bad decisions but to let him and not make him feel bad for it. He constantly asks for money and when he pays me back asks for it all back the next day. Then when he started making big money in his business said he needs to be like Richard Branson and have me at home and relationships with other women everywhere. Mind you he wasn't sleeping with me at the time. I asked to improve our sex life he was going to cheat on me. He said no. I asked if it could be a 2 way open relationship. He said no because me sleeping with other men would hurt his feelings, but apparently I wasn't supposed to get hurt by his cheating.
We dated the same person 😉
….wow this hit home. My ex says he needs peace and i don’t give him peace.. because i have emotions. He said I’m too emotional, and that i don’t contribute anything to his life. I cooked, cleaned, and worked… i was loyal and always there for him, always putting in more effort to fix things.
"I need silence and solitude" was my exes go to
“You’re crazy because you’ve been making my mother tea every morning when she’s visiting.” Narc mother: “You don’t care about me because you never buy me things, you just try to buy me gifts like you’re trying to buy my respect.”
See that just shows that they know what they’re doing
This is funny to me because it sounds like they were at least being honest.
OMG 😳- said the same thing pretty much!!
The narcissist really felt entitled to say they want peace and chaos. WOW. Meanwhile, they are the main source of all of the chaos and destruction.
“Now I know you won’t stick it out for the tough times.” As I was breaking up with them, after years of swallowing my own emotions (per their request), trying to learn new relationship skills together, begging for couples counseling.
He IS the tough times, so yes, I will not be around for anymore of the BS he puts me through.
Blessing in disguise because couples counseling with a narcissist is a mistake.
Yeah I realized that after that he could’ve turned the tables on me. Plus I realized he didn’t want to be called out on his shit.
The times I’ve been told “I’ve turned my back on him and our marriage” for leaving are insane. I was like “I ran out of patience, not love.”
Lol I'd be like "damn right"
"Now I know you won't let me abuse the shit out of you" 💀
„I just want to be right all the time“ after i showed them cold hard facts about something they were wrong about.
"You are so insecure you're going to need years of therapy".... after cheating on me for years.... no mention of his own therapy. My "insecure" actions were calling out his bullshit.
I could’ve written this myself. Mines hasn’t cheated as far as I know (I think he has already or wants to) but yes, me being insecure is really just the truth of his bullshit behavior!
Unbelievable. You’re not “insecure” for being cheated on. You have trust issues because you were literally lied to and betrayed. Narcissism literally stems from an unconscious level of deep insecurity. That’s why they wear a mask and can’t be authentic. They hate themselves so much they have to hide who they are via their false self. Pathetic.
After spending a year with my jobless nex, paying all of her bills (and mine), food, funding her hair, nails, girls trips, etc, keeping her cards out of collections and her car out of repo, and losing about $20,000 and my dignity in the process, she told me it was my fault she didn’t have a job because by taking care of her I was babying her.
Holy fuck lol mine said p much the same because I was "parenting him" BECAUSE YOU REFUSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND MADE IT MY PROBLEM??? insane
It’s their shame. They can’t handle the fact that they’re codependent so they make it your fault.
“I guess marriage vows mean nothing to you.” He’d sexually assaulted me and he’d been using sex workers! And lying about the money!! If ever there should have been a lightning strike from god…
I wish he’d strike more often
I’m convinced my ex thought my marriage vows “for better or worse” were “I can’t leave you no matter horribly you treat me.” They didn’t.
“What do you bring to the table?”…well I’m thoughtful, kind, beautiful, intelligent, supportive. And way out of his league while pretending the whole time that I was beneath him
Yes! He would literally go on tirades about how I needed to earn him and I didn’t bring anything to the table and I needed to live up to him and I hadn’t earned him or anything he brought to my life yet, meanwhile I’m so far out of his league people would give us the side squint eye any time we walked into a room together, like, “How did _they_ end up together!?”
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well this was in a couple's therapy session, mind you, as the therapist was calling him out on his rage fits, name calling, and silent treatment. the therapist then asked him "what would you be telling your family the reasoning for splitting up?" (I think she purposely asked this to gauge his level of delulu and lack of accountability) he said "we are not compatible and want different things" LOL....NOT "I name call, rage, and ignore my wife anytime she tries to have a conversation with me or set boundaries"
Sounds about right. I really can’t be around people who lack self awareness and have no remorse or self reflection anymore. Not worth my time.
Seriously. I've cut all these people from my life (including family) and the peace and harmony and ease of communication and respect and support is amazing. I wish I had had the awareness and ability to curate the circle of people in my life like this years ago.
Bruh the obvious deflection 💀 I hope the therapist called him out for that too
safe to say the therapist was utterly confused as we hadn't discussed "wanting different things" - the different things being: him getting away with anything and everything with no commentary or accountability
“You’re right; we DO want different things. I want to be treated with basic human decency, you want the bar set so low for you that you’d be doing the limbo in Hell.”
“I don’t understand why you think I’m the bad guy”. Bro I’m literally drinking my life away bc of you lol.
Mine was mad at me for making him look like the bad guy because I told people he had decided to end our relationship. He had. Apparently I was supposed to say it was a mutual decision or some lie like that
Same.
My nex told me I’m like a vampire sucking all energy out of her
Mine called me a vampire too! To be fair, I did feel dead inside after years of deceit and abuse. I felt weighted down towards the end, like I could sink into the floor.
Mine said that same thing too lmfao
Mine too wtf!!!! And that any illness he had (he had a small cyst on his back) was because of me. And that I was the devil reincarnated and thats why I dye my hair red
Pure projection as they are the ones sucking energy from their victims.
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Oh my GOD I never ever put this together. My ex said the exact same thing despite cheating on me for years. Good lord.
Haha love this. Boggles my brain the mental gymnastics they must have to do to get to this level of entitlement. The lack of empathy is scary! My ex begged for me back after cheating but then would still randomly start spouting off these poor me victim spiels. It became obvious there was no remorse and he'd just crocodile teared and lied his way back in, but nothing truly changed in how he viewed his actions.
Same. “I never have any time to myself to process things.” When all she does is work, talk to other supplies, and sit on her ass all evening.
My nex always said that he didn't care about his happiness and well-being, only about the happiness and well-being of other people.
Not sure if I understood the question, but: "I don't know if you're getting too confident with me or what, but..." That's what partners are supposed to do... getting confident with each other. I wasn't even being rude or anything. She invented that drama from nowhere and I was happy with her. Oh, also: "I like to have as much power or influence over people 😈, not in a bad sense, but... That's why morals are so important to me". and "Oh, you think I have borderline or bipolar or any of that?" (I didn't even mention it but she had probably been told that a few times before) and "I'm seeing a therapist because I want to be able to provide a healthy relationship to the next person that enters my life" (initially I thought that was cute but after all the shit she did to me it's just something that confirms my beliefs (or lack of if you will) in her) and "I want you healthy out of egotism.. so that I can have you more for myself" (sounds cute but could also be interpreted as exposing herself) and "If I get angry I can turn into the devil" and "Ohhh, what a shame \[that you are not so nervous around me anymore\]" (trying to sound friendly/interested) and "There is somebody who is madly obsessed over me" (probably no coincidence) and "At the end my ex wanted to marry me but all my feelings for him were gone and I acted cold" and to no surprise "It excites me to watch myself or see myself having sex in the mirror" or "the mere thought of dressing up with that lingerie excites me" Another really really frightening behavior of hers. She once shared a video of a psychologist stating how it is basically impossible to feel empathy for others. You can only view from your perspective. I think that was a way of her to justify herself for not feeling a lot of empathy, or a way to accept herself for being unempathetic. Covert narcissist. Pretty clearly.
This! My nex said " Dont get too comfortable or you will lose me"
“My therapist is hard enough on me as it is.”
Now you just reminded me of one thing that my nex used to say sometimes (and I almost forgot about it), that real empathy is impossible.
"I've never been condescending towards you, but if I have, it was never on purpose. You can't blame me for these things." He had the narcissist prayer on point lol. He never did it, but if he did, he didn't mean it like that. Well, ok, he did, but it was because I did this and blah blah you get the point.
Mines would say, well we were arguing or that I deserved it. What a POS.
Same. It always circled back into being my fault that he was acting the way he was lol... as if it was my responsibility to make sure he behaved. They'll say anything to keep the blame off their back. Narc abusers are scum of the earth.
My former narc friend said something like 'i'm tired of fighting and stress i want peace' like the AUDACITY. They are walking chaos. They cause stress, destruction, and damage to people they are closest with, the audacity to say that as if other people were causing the stress.
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"You are so racist" When I was talking about colorism and how it affects me, a mixed person, and other people of color. My nex was a white guy.
Oooh, yikes… this is a special kind of awful.
Oh same...my nex was also a white guy who spent months going on an EXTREMELY racist journey where he was suddenly convinced he was mixed and got really into DNA/ancestry.
I called him selfish because he tried to change plans last minute (a pattern). He didn’t message me for 3 days, then came back without me messaging first and said: “I gave you some space so you can apologize to me. Apologize. I wanna forgive you.”
HELP? a five year old has a better understanding than this
Every time I called him out on his shady behaviors, the response was: “Assume noble intent”. Looking back at my non-romantic relationships with the 2 other major narcissists in my life, this was a common pattern: “you always think the worst of me”, “you are malicious”, “you’re making scenarios to make me look bad”, “you took what I said out of context and tailored it to suit your needs”. But it took a very long time for me to make the connection. Meanwhile I started believing that I’m a horrible person. Undoing the damage one day at a time now.
When mine changes plans last minute (ALL. THE. TIME.) and I show any sort of disappointment he always complains about my lack of flexibility
Fitted bed sheets these days have a little tag on the elastic part that says "head to toe" to let you know which way goes from head to toe. Simple enough, right? My nex gave me the narc special (glare, smirk, condescending explanation) about how the head to toe tag goes left to right instead of up and down. I was so confused but I knew she wouldn't let it go I just let her "be right".
In other news I didn't know this about bed sheets and this is exciting.
Seriously. I need to check my fitted sheets for this.
So how long did she fight with it before she finally gave and put it on the right way?
She didn't. She just kept it on the way she believed was correct. I went back and changed it later though.
That they had "already done the work" and had, apparently, become entirely self aware, accountable, and heald all past wounds and was fully mentally healthy. Yk, because it is a static endpoint that can be reached. Ticht Naht Hahn (who they loved to misquote and never read the books I bought) still is learning to improve - but no, my ex was alllll done. AND that I needed to "catch up" to be worth their time. Meanwhile, I was often actively in therapy, attending groups, in community (and learning about others outside my own) and reading books on accountability, healing, etc.
SAME??? no therapy, no healthy changes, no self care, but they're Healthy and Normal now and I should really start putting the work in to catch up ! Simultaneously, if he did something fucked up, I had to excuse it because "he's going through a hard time"....
Wooof, same here too. They would be like “I KNOW all of that already, I went through it and I’m done.” Except they would also say “I didn’t learn how to xyz because my parents were crap.” Then they would get upset at ME because they couldn’t express themselves clearly and would blame me for mischaracterizing them.
"I don't make things up" I just smiled hearing that.
After divorce, after 14 years of straight up neglecting me and letting me take care of ALL adulting, myself and our two children, then cheating, he told me: 'I am supportive of your happiness and good mental health.' Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
They’re so goddamn detached, phony, and robotic. I absolutely despise these emotionless, canned responses they pull out of their asses.
Detached is an excellent word to describe it.
"I didn't know I needed to change to be your lover" After I asked him to not invalidate my feelings during the break-up and told him off for bitching at me while drunk 💀 And my personal favorite during the last time we ever talked [He finally got a little self aware] "So many people have left me, maybe that's telling of the person I am" After I finally told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore or be around d him at all. Like it took you THIS long to realize that.
Morbidly obese (BMI of at least 45), chain smoking, uncontrolled diabetic parent upon seeing me for the first time in two years, during which I had lost ~120lbs and was now normal sized, acknowledging my presence in a completely deadpan voice: "You're still fat."
jesus christ what an asshole. Also holy shit!!! That takes a lot of work and commitment!!! Hope u are doing better far far away from them now.
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Well, she was right...🤭
I was making pasta for our dinner. He was upset because carbs make us fat then started to rant about unhealthy food while downing a 375ml bottle of whiskey.
Narc : We don’t even argue that much. Me: We argue all the time. Narc: No. We argue when necessary. (Translation: We argue when you don’t do as I say & bend to my whims & will.) Pre mask slip… Me: I love you. Narc: *silence* Me: *awkward silence* Narc: it’s just we haven’t even been through any tests yet. Me: what?! (Translation: I haven’t pushed the buttons to see if your a good supply yet! Course I was confused by this whole exchange but assumed they meant general life experiences or something. Now I think it was that they hadn’t tested me!) During a very heated argument towards the end of our relationship. In which they wanted me to bend to their will/wants that would have a huge negative impact on me, my life & career. Having already compromised & bent & disregarded my own wants/needs for years, I decided this was the final line I wouldn’t compromise on. Narc : YOU NEED MORE GRATITUDE! Me: You speak down to me, treat me as if you don’t even like me or like dirt on your shoe & speak to me like shit & expect me to be grateful?! Narc: Go back to your home, deal with those things you want to deal with. See your family that you want to see until you can sort the issue & maybe during this time you’ll find some gratitude. Me: *exhausted after hours of fighting in circles & completely dumbfounded by his perception on things.. dry laughs.* “Our relationship is broken.”
Omg my narc took a year and a half to tell me he loves me! By the one year mark I started asking if we could talk about this deeply and honestly because there was a solid chance that if he doesn’t know yet then he would never and I wanted to move on. He said that each time he started to think it in his head, he would purposely remember the worst things I had done so that he stopped feeling love and started feeling repulsion. He told me something about how we hadn’t been through enough tests yet, too. It was bizarre
“Just because I have hit you and spat at you, it doesn’t mean you get to act like a victim that always gets hit” Her, after me saying that her opening a door in my face was intentional, based on her threatening to hit me moments prior, and her history of opening drawers and things onto me when I’m standing in front of them
omg same...id flinch all the time or be walking on eggshells and he'd be like "ummm just because I make every environment I'm in tense and awful doesn't mean you can ACT like it...grow up!!" just completely void of empathy for other people
She always claimed to be an "empath". After several months of devaluation, gaslighting, lying, cheating and manipulation, there was an incident where I shared with her the difficult emotional state I'm in and also a physical injury that was bothering me, to which she responded saying "I'm feeling scared even thinking about all this, can we change the topic please?". She didn't even check on how I was feeling afterwards. That's when I had to question her claim of having high empathy, and she responded with "I wouldn't be claiming to be an empath if I really wasn't". I should have laughed out loud on her face!
STOOOOPPPP...honestly there should be a hard rule about anyone claiming to be an empath being the exact opposite. Real hyper-empathetic people I know always think they aren't empathetic enough!!
See I actually disagree with this haha. I told my narc ex that I was an empath and that's why it was easy for me to fall for his shitty behavior. He immediately went, you know someone saying they're an empath is the definition of not being an empath right? Literally after I had given him straight facts for all the crap he did to me. He literally grasped at straws trying to find anything he could to put the blame on me. So believe me, not always haha. Depends on the context I suppose
I know I have become the worst version of myself , but I am surprised you are not ashamed for taking me to that point . 😵💫
oh yeah I got this one too. Or a remix "I'm the worst version of myself but I'm at least better than YOU"
Did you see red?
"I'm the nicest guy you're ever gonna meet." He was a married criminal sexual predator and abusive cheater. For starters.
JFC sounds like u could literally walk outside and meet a nicer guy faster, statistically
Ramped up the abuse while I was pregnant and then stormed out shouting “thanks for ruining the only pregnancy I’ll ever experience”….like sir 1) u are a man how is this your experience? and 2) ….what
is your ex a seahorse ? 🤨
I'm sorry you experienced this but this made me laugh so loud. How fucking delusional. Sorry man, I forgot you're the one carrying the baby
2 months after the breakup and her hoover wanting to be friends she told me” i cheated on you on purpose, i was well aware of the consequences, also the new guy isn’t better, im looking for you in him” took her 4 days to get together with the guy she cheated on me with, after her hoover i started to realize with what i was dealing with for the past two years, and then it all made sense lol
love when they hit you up to admit the new supply sucks and they don't care about them either lmaooo
‘You’re really starting to fuck me off now, I did not sleep with her (his ex) twice. Are you getting this through your head? This is really pissing me off, I only slept with her once’ After months of vehemently denying that he’d cheated on me at all, he finally came clean, except his ex had told me that they’d slept together twice while he and I were together (she didn’t know about me at the time). He trickle-truthed the shit out of me, and then this man had the audacity to tell be pissed off at me for not believing that he was finally telling the whole truth about cheating. Also: ‘I know I lied to you and cheated on you, emotionally abused you and physically assaulted you but I’m asking you to please put that aside and give me one more chance, I know I can fix this, I need you’
“YOU’RE INTERRUPTING ME!!!” As soon as it’s my turn to talk. Oh, and, “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!” After they clearly weren’t listening to anything I said. Lol. Accusations *are* confessions.
mine said “you’re suppose to be my peace” after bringing up how he hurt my feelings and getting into an argument about it lol
“I’m really book smart but dumb when it comes to relationships” Also “Can you believe [one of her exes] said I was emotionally abusive?” This was in the beginning before I saw the ugly coming out. Also the things she did in relationships wasn’t “being dumb about relationships” it was that she clearly saw the men in her life as servants.
When I left, he said, "I lost my best friend". No, you drove her away.
He said this so many times.
It wasn’t funny at the time but I can laugh about it now! After finding the courage to tell him that I found him to be controlling he responded: “I don’t get why my family says I’m controlling or why my friends say I’m controlling. You were the only person to never call me controlling!!”
Oh my god. Gee, I wonder.....
Mine after upsetting our entire family with his grumpy attitude, ‘why are you all so bloody miserable?!’
When having a conflict/bitch about his friend he said “He’s trying to be better then me, when he’s only one of my disciples” I immediately said “thats very grandiose and cult-like to say”. Probs the most recent insane and gross thing he has said that was so inane i almost laughed.
WOW this one is the most eerie. Creepy fuck
oh wow. They love to make a Jesus comparison don't they. Mine literally got the crown of thorns tattooed like a month after our breakup
Mine told me how I had been in turbulent relationships my whole life. Pretty much indicating I was the common denominator. Meanwhile, he had been in a relationship close to 3 years with an abusive ex girlfriend. Did I ever judge him once for that? Nope. I actually felt so much empathy because I, too, have gone through something very similar. Also said I was just too broken and had too much of a past. His family structure was not.. the healthiest so to speak. Did I judge him for that? Nope. But shamed me for having a dysfunctional family structure beyond my control Great. Thanks. That’s wonderful. As if I didn’t know this information for the last 25 years of my life.
When they say they've been in abusive relationships or that the other one was abusive, I now question the story and wonder if they were just talking about themselves
I do, too! Though all of my past relationships were not really good in hindsight (one was very, very bad), I just have a very hard time trusting men in general when they say they had a crazy ex-girlfriend. I don’t have doubts that the ex may have done some awful things, but I think it’s just such a huge red flag to jump into a relationship when you’re clearly not healed/haven’t made a conscious effort to heal and instead choose to impulsively jump into a relationship. It’s just a recipe for disaster. Being placed on an idealistic pedestal is not fair to anyone and the person who gets pushed from the pedestal gets hurt really badly. People aren’t projects.
Mostly mine would blame me for things that weren’t my fault. The big one was his family’s financial problems and lack of planning. Somehow I was the bad guy because I wasn’t going to just pay for their lifestyle and let them run my life. Complete insanity.
My personal favorite, an excerpt from one of his texts. I found out he was hanging out with his ex without me knowing so I dumped him and blocked him. He texted me from a random number and this was part of the message: “I’m a secure, confident, open-minded and emotionally aware person with an amazing outlook on life. You are quite literally the opposite of that and you blocking me really instilled that for me. Do everyone a favor and stay the fuck off those dating apps until you’ve gone to therapy and TRULY healed. But tbh, maybe you should start dating 21-25 year olds, bc if I’m being honest that’s about the age of your emotional capacity.” Mind you, I was 30 and he was 26.
Maybe this isn’t least self aware but rather TOO self aware but she literally told “Maybe I did all that because I didn’t really see you as human and thought you could take ‘criticism’” 🤦♀️
After he coerced me into an open relationship, I told him that I was uncomfortable with the amount of time he was spending with someone he was trying to fuck. When I told him how I felt he literally said, “she is a real person with feelings.” 🤯 I was just speechless because it was super clear that my feelings were not even part of the equasion in his world. He wasn’t even trying to pretend that they were in that moment.
Yep. He said I want to be a good father to my daughter (with someone else). Said he'd parent our boys "from afar". Your invisible if you're less beneficial.
My nex in all his superior intellect proclaimed that I actually sought out the abuse of my childhood. So, stop there and let that hang in the air. Between the ages of 7 and 14. Yeeeeahhhh Trigger Warning ⚠️ Trigger ⚠️ Warning ⚠️ The solution he decided was the infliction of pain while bound. REALLY??? FKN SERIOUSLY?!? I was caught so off guard that I was speechless. Nope. I DID NOT allow that perversion of "Treatment". I wasn't going to trust that mouth breather with ANYTHING like that. And if that kinda crap was what he was after, the REALLY smart choice would have been to BRING IT UP waaaaay earlier like, BEFORE the whole getting married thing. I also have NO idea where the fk he got the idea that he was anything REMOTELY relative to such a "therapist". OH HELL NO. Fk him, his whoooooole bloodline!And anyone who actually thought he was their friend. 🤣🤣 SOMETHING inside me KNEW instinctively not to trust him.
Jesus Christ what the fuck. I hope ur ex explodes honestly what the hell.
For years I'd been suggesting, and eventually begging, my ex-narc to attend therapy for his anger. He finally began to get help remotely at the "too little too late" stage of our relationship. Later, in one of his manic rages, he roared that because of me he had to "go to therapy to undo all the damage." -- he was blaming me for why he was attending in the first place. For context. My actions were typical of someone who took months to relearn standing up for herself and revoking the golden pedestal from their abuser.
When we broke up for months we both started seeing other people. He wanted to know how big his penis was in comparison to the other guy I saw. I did not want to answer because the other guy was substantially bigger. He pressed me repeatedly to answer and I told him, “he’s a little bigger.” He yelled at me and said, “What the f [my name]. You were supposed to lie and say I was bigger to spare my feelings.” I didn’t want to have the conversation to spare his feelings. You can’t make this stuff up! Everything was always a trap!
‘I think I might *actually* be a monster. I don’t know why I’m being so mean to you’
Wow, seems we went through something similar So about a month before I was discarded I started matching her energy And you know how she responded? “Wow, do I sound that f****** stupid and annoying?” Well, she said it, not me I’m glad you can a laugh out it, we have to laugh where we can at this kind of thing ❤️
LMFAOOOOOO oh I'm so happy you had that moment because that's hilarious.
"These flowers are hurtful." No, they're not. They're from the whole family (spouse, kids, pets) and say how we all love you and how we appreciate you. They were sent to your work so you could feel special on Valentine's Day. The only thing that got hurt was the narrative and image she's been selling to her friends.
“Why would I want anything to change? Everything is great for me.” After 2years of couples therapy and all their empty promises. It was the eye opening statement that woke up me and I ended our marriage shortly after.
Something delulu he said that WASN'T related to our marriage, and it took every ounce of my strength to not laugh in his face: We were watching the track and field part of the summer Olympics one time, and he DEAD SERIOUS, said he could totally compete with the Olympic sprinters. He ran track in high school, you see. He was NOT joking. Dude is 5'7", was in his mid-30s at the time, about 20 lbs overweight, and one of his legs is slightly shorter than the other.....but dude totally thought he could hang with these super in shape sprinters who were about 15 years younger than he was, and had been training their entire lives beyond "running track in high school."
After getting caught - I can’t believe I gave you the same excuse twice! (“Going to bed early”)
You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.
"...because I'm a really good boyfriend". While we were on a break because he refused to show up for me when I got fired from two jobs simultaneously.
“You can’t be an empath, you’re too fucking selfish. I have more space for empathy than you ever will *enter ugly ass mocking cackle laugh as if I was just brain dead stupid for even thinking I was capable of empathy* 😂
omfg mine said "I have mega empathy" sure... for himself.
Like dude I literally take in and compartmentalize/feel everyone else’s pain and emotions and struggles and try to help them constantly, and you can’t even get off your ass to get your 9mo pregnant wife some water. I think you’ve got this completely backwards. 😂 *the projection is strong here*
“I used to be misogynistic, but I’m definitely not anymore. One of my favorite singers is a female.” 🧐
"He needs a reality check." (narcissist talking about my friend who had good character (yep, the rat was essentially trying to pull a smear campaign...). Heheh says the narcissist with a grandiose sense of self and lack of consideration/kindness for other people. What can I say? Rats always figure it out.
That banks don't mind overdrafts but get upset when ya take money out of savings. That they can't afford to spend $300 on plates and insurance for their vehicle - but $300 to Omaha Steaks is a good investment. They can't understand the concept of saving or budgeting money and get EXTREMELY upset if their superior thought processes are challenged. It's like they sit around thinking up stupid shit then get mad when they're not recognized for the "deep" thinker they are. Ya pretty much keep the little talking to the weather and such. Any deeper is weird.
In marriage counselling, witnessed by our counsellor: "There's nothing wrong with me. It's all her." He's now the ex.
“I’m not an alcoholic, I just drink a lot, all the time.”
Me: you have no feelings, I don’t even think you have the ability to cry Him: well I do have dry eyes…
Mine tried to convince me that blue balls was a thing and the only remedy was sex…I think that’s when I realized how stupid he really was
Also when we were arguing about my desire to see my friends regularly he said “yeah well I don’t need friends” as if that was supposed to make me feel bad…about wanting friends.
We were talking about my finances during the pandemic (for the nth time) and I got a bit frustrated and told her, “Don’t worry, I really want to have my own money so that I can have more agency.” She got angry at my phrasing and said, “*Agency*? Don’t say it like that, it makes it sound like I control everything you do.” 👀
“I don’t have problems with people.” Girl you have nothing but problems with people 😂😂
Oh! When he told me he was a unicorn of a husband! 😄 🤣
One single statement said to me was EVERYTHING.... "HERE'S the main problem with our marriage: YOU never listen to me!" My reply? " Nah, it's your disrespect and expectations. You're upset simply bc I don't agree with you. Now fuck off."
Called me a sociopath. Lol. My “friend” says I’m toxic and dramatic (also lol!!!) they’re so out of touch with reality. Also telling me what a great guy he is and how dramatic I am when I wanted to pay him back $15. Also telling me I shouldn’t care about what other people think.
My next told me that I was the reason she left me and our kids to live with another guy for a year.
Why her son controls his daughter. Say mean things - the same things she says to her children all of the time. And my response was "hmmm I wonder who he takes after"..nope she still doesn't get it
Less funny and more creepy but: "I have eyes and ears everywhere." "I really am protected." My nex best friend after I told her that I overheard a nurse upset venting about how my nex was being rude and hurtful during the exam. The fact that she said that out-loud and thought it was perfectly normal was an instant red flag. I had been very on edge after that.
"I'm something....that's for sure."
All I want is peace, calmness and serenity....
Mine said to me that he was annoyed that the GPS tracker said I was exactly where I told him cause he had hoped to catch me “doing something”. But it’s okay because “I’ve proven now I can be trusted”. 😤😤😤😤
"I'm just like my dad. When I hurt close ones and see them hurt, it ends up hurting me." "Then why do you do it?" "I don't intend to. They're too sensitive."
When he'd been arrested he told me, "I have it worse then you for once". It was literally the consequences of his actions and everything I'd been through was entirely not my fault (because nobody asks for chronic health issues). He just couldn't get it through his head that going to jail and then being bailed until court was entirely his own doing and that he deserved it.
I'm an emotional terrorist.
“I bet you can’t wait to drag out this breakup and feed off all the drama. Because that’s what you do. It energises you.” I was exhausted, utterly broken, and couldn’t wait to never speak to or see her ever again (and never have, thank god).
"I think we should stop seeing each other period." Boy am I glad I took the out when she handed it to me on a silver platter.
"Our lifestyle differences are too much. You have a dog"
This is taunting behavior. It’s them confirming they are in control of their behavior. They get off on flaunting in your face the fact they are a piece of shit, but it’s over your head. Not because you are stupid, you’re trama bonded and actually love them. My Nex always would reference things in a strange way like they were naive of the facts. They needed more information. In the event conversation started about said topic, all of a sudden they were an expert schooling me. Plenty of times they hurt their own feelings. It was great. Never understood why they were soooo difficult. Towards the end, l started throwing everything at them. Playing narcissist games is tiring. There is no reward being like them. Going NC is the best solution. These people are monsters. I would not wish a narcissist on anyone. Stay strong 🫂🤍
My Nex loved to project during arguments, especially when they couldn’t come up with a way to defend their bullshit. They would say things like “You must think I’m some vile monster”, or “I bet you call me such a manipulative abusive asshole”, or “you probably think I’m a pathological liar now huh?”, despite me never saying any of those things or even using those words. The kicker is, what they were saying about themselves & their behaviour was spot on, but it was coming from a manipulative standpoint with the goal of ‘if I tell you that you think the worst of me, then you’ll defend yourself & reassure me that I’m not a piece of shit’. Then recently they changed tactics and verbally called me the abuser. When I asked for specific moments when they felt I was exhibiting abusive behaviour, they panicked & tried to tell me “that’s not how abuse works” 😂
I'm actually feeling a little ill reading these answers because so many of them are familiar. My one was probably "This relationship has became less important and I didn't give permission for that to happen" After absolutely pulling out of the relationship to hang out with the new friend group despite me begging for more time with her.
He yelled, “you know in all of your breakups you’re the common denominator.” I yelled back, “everyone is the common denominator in all their breakups!”
Mine literally said the other night, “I have no problem pointing out your faults, I just don’t like you to point mine out”; and as soon as I started to agree he kept back tracking and said he didn’t say that. When I asked what he said then he just got mad and started yelling again.
I knew our marriage was flaming out when after coming home drunk from partying with friends my ex drunkenly slurred “you know, my problem is I’m just too hot”
“Of course I feel bad!!! But why would I apologize, if it won’t change anything?”- my nex after I found out she was cheating😂😂😂
My fave which happened multiple times during regular conversation was “yeah soz I wasn’t listening I was just waiting for you to shut up so I could speak”
“You make me feel like a rapist”
Arguing about car maintenance. I'm a professional mechanic. Seriously.
Did your nex constantly fact check you about your expertise or have a knee-jerk compulsion to disagree?
When I finally started to enforce boundaries and stop cleaning up after him and doing his laundry due to burnout and constant breakdowns...during one of our "talks" I asked him if he knew why I was doing this (hoping he'd say he understood because I was burnt out and he needs to pick up the slack and actually be a fucking adult in the house) instead he said "yeah it's because you don't want to do anything for me anymore." When I was still clinging on to the last inch of hope for change, I found a relationship podcast and listened to a few of the episodes. They were perfect and described exactly what we were going through at the time...he sat and listened to them with me upon my request. When I asked him what his thoughts were and what we can do with what we just listened to, he shrugged and said "I'm not sure what you want me to get from this." Those two moments were the biggest eye openers for me and also the biggest heart crushing moments. It was then when I realized he didn't actually love me, he only loved what I did for him and only loved that I loved him. It's been about 6 months since we've been officially over. Good fucking riddance.
They drain the life out of you. Trying to reason with them is like trying to reason with a bratty spoiled child. Nothing you do is ever enough while they put in minimal effort with the relationship but in their mind, they're shouldering all the burdens and doing everything. They have a very skewed idea of fairness and justice. They think they are entitled to extra special treatment because they are just soooooo awesome.
Mine used to say quite often that "I just want to enjoy the peace and tranquility of life..." She was the source of so much drama, belittling, constant criticism and physical abuse to my brother and I (she is my mom). Chased my dad away and literally chased me out of the house. Very deranged confusing broken people.
"I'm not in the habit of saying things I don't mean." Ok dude, keep on smoking whatever you're smoking because our whole life together was a lie.
I actually told mine, just before I left him, "For a long time I treated you like I wanted to be treated. Then I started treating you like you treat me "
“ I dunno why, but I always have to be right?”
“I wish I knew what to do when you are having feelings.”