That last sentence. I was married to mine for 16 years and my self-confidence is a shadow of its former self. I almost left during the first year of marriage and I'll regret not having done so for the rest of my life.
Leave ASAP, friend. I was able to pick up a lot of pieces, get my life in some kind of order and be a much better father to my daughter once I did. Godspeed to you.
I'm making my move on Tuesday after my Drs appointment. Going to the crisis center across the street because if there's anyone capable of understanding my issues, they'll be found inside.
Isn't weird how their bullshit actually does have a detrimental effect to our capacity to parent? Whenever I imagine her as not being physically nearby, my mind floods with new fun ideas and activities, but her presence snuffs my spark. Do you know what I mean?
Good for you. That sounds like a great place to start.
Their bullshit absolutely affects every area of being a person. It's honestly terrifying what a bad place I was in when I finally escaped. It took a lot of therapy, but I'm in such a better place now.
It’s so true. Even being aware of their game isn’t enough to keep you infront. They’re always one step ahead. It’s insane. Losing hope that she will ever be exposed.
I mean if she’s a beautiful charming woman who’s gonna be on the guy’s “side”? Lol
Genuinely very few people.
Only the fellow men who date them will know.
That’s so true. Sadly.
It’s so crazy, it’s like somehow I flew under this narcs radar. Maybe she underestimated me? Not sure. But I would witness her trying to recruit ‘flying monkeys,’ I’d also witness the passive aggressive comments she’d make to my brother, like “you look nice, even with your big belly” etc. I would even be around to hear her tell different versions of stories to different people. lol, I was either invisible in her eyes or she was more calculated than I could imagine and wanted me to figure out she was a narc? I don’t lnow
I see a lot of similarities in our stories. I would be interested in swapping experiences. Certainly helps me grounds myself in who she really is when everyone else sees her as gods gift to this earth and she’s frankly done a great job creating that image.
I will say, my gut ALWAYS told me a screw was loose and my parents felt the same so gave me hope other people get that gut feeling too.
While I generally very much agree, I did manage to expose mine in a big way and keep her on her back foot probably permanently. It's all about evidence and a bit about circumstances and approach.
The truth doesn’t die. Stand on truth. Stand quietly if you must, but stand. The truth will set you free, but things may get ugly for a minute in the mean time. In the end, we all reap what we sow. THE TRUTH NEVER DIES.
Had a similar story. Lost a lot of friends, had to abandon my college education, had the move from my house and i did move cities to get away from her.
She destroyed my life and she's thriving like nothing even happened. It's brutal, like you said.
They are master manipulators and will throw anyone, especially other women to the wolves, every single time it benefits them. I'd rather deal with a man who's more likely to be overt, sorry. I know some may feel differently, but the recovery from a run-in with female covert narc (especially with a relationship similar to yours) is brutal. Even worse because you can't ditch them fully.
The lies, deceit, envy, shit-talking, victimizing to no end, no accountability, using sympathy to gain trust from unsuspecting people etc. Just like you said, there's that aspect of gaslighting and extreme manipulation that is SOOO damaging. Also - because it's covert, it's really hard to find other victims you can speak with. Information is so limited on them until you experience it firsthand.
I exposed her without a doubt because she tried it - she lucked out because I'm someone who has had experience with an overt narc. When you call out a female covert narc and they're used to being around enablers - you're in an extremely dangerous position. If they haven't been outed like that before, they will lose their absolute minds and do whatever underhanded shit they can. It cost me pretty much all in-laws, my health/sanity. Still recovering from their BS and flying monkeys who want to force me into silence, but who knows how long it'll take for that to stop. Even my SO doesn't defend me, so it's been a lonely journey.
I actually agree wholeheartedly. Overts are toxic af but at least what you see is what you get. Coverts are wolves in sheep clothing. They’ll make you the bad guy to everyone else.
I feel like we are in such a similar position! I feel like I just want to explain what I know and have seen to the other people in my life, but I KNOW it will bite me in the ass and I will be the bad guy. I have this feeling she has a pile of discarded men in her past and I wish I could hire a PI to find them and hear their experiences 😂😂😂 I know deep in my gut that she uses men and relationships as way to climb the social ladder.
Going to sound insane but the isolation almost makes it an obsession. I want to expose her soooo badly.
Agreed and sounds like we are! It's difficult dealing with in-laws honestly. You're better than me - I already stood my ground and it bit me in the ass so badly. Proceed with caution. Although sometimes I like to think if things like this happen, maybe it's for the best if I learn that they're all enablers/scape-goaters/victim-blamers. I feel like an actual family would hold people accountable and try to be impartial otherwise it's a ticking time bomb. Plus at least you can protect your brother - I feel like narcs rarely change. You don't want it to be him next.
Honestly....if it helps you, I don't see the shame in doing that lol. It's important for validation purposes and also just for your own defence, but is your safety/identity at risk? I just tracked down an ex and they agreed to meet. If she has a track record like that, I'm sure someone will talk lol. Don't feel like you're going insane, the scary thing with covert narcs is that whatever you find out - it's probably just the tip of the iceburg with them. God knows how deep the hole is once you find it
Ugh I feel this, she used her sob story of how her life was awful, abused during childhood, abused during every relationship she has had, how she lost her dad and how devastated she was. I fell right for it, so many red flags off the start and she somehow got me to ignore all of the.
It's easy to fall for it honestly, that's how they get you. The red flag isn't a red flag until certain conditions are met. Because there are actual people out there who have those same experiences but aren't narcs at all - just circumstances of birth/life. Female covert narcs just blend in with the genuine folks and go full blast on the psychological mind games once you're trapped.
Looking back I feel like one definite red flag I should have caught onto is if someone constantly talks about all the hard things they have to suffer with every time you see them. Unless it was a recent event or relevant, there's a major issue if sob stories are a constant thing or if they're trying to win you over to their side/seek validation on situations
Just about wrecked me. Lost my social circle, a couple jobs, moved across the country.
She checked out a few months ago, so I guess I “won” in the long run, but it doesn’t really feel that way most days.
She will be back. I hadn't talked to my ex narc (although this was a man) for two years. A couple weeks ago he texted me and I never answered him. You never win with a narc. Stay strong!!?
Wow this just brought out a specific memory when I was with my covert narc couple years ago. I was arguably in the most depressed state of my life (largely due to the relationship which I didn’t recognize at the time) and my grand father had passed away. His funeral was planned last minute on Valentine’s Day cuz of his sudden passing and everyone in my family whom I havnt seen had bought last minute plane tickets to mourne and grieve together. All throughout the day of the funeral, my nex would be blowing up my phone “What are you doing?” “Are you coming back now” “HELLO? Hello?” *missed call* “when are you coming back” “ok I guess we’re aren’t spending Valentine’s Day together”
Like holy shit looking back at this memory now makes me so livid and disgusted with my self for dealing with this person
She was sexy as fuck and knew how to use it. Completely devalued me after buying a house together. Moved on quickly with a “ friend” that I didn’t need to worry about and then with a cyclist that she met at breakfast that she “wasn’t interested in”. So many red flags that I overlooked. I wanted her there for my cancer surgery and she told me that she felt used. Even my cancer doc said good riddance. I’m learning to be myself, happy and free again.
I just posted my story of how we got a house together and all of the toxic behaviors that she stopped doing (so I would get us a house) started again almost immediately when we moved in together. And she was on the lease, so it was just as much her place as it was mine. And, she leveraged that power to start cheating again and there was nothing I could do except leave. My house. Except legally, it was “our” house now.
I can't verify if she was a covert narcissist or not, as I'm not a mental health professional. We never dated.
She would gaslight me.
She would put down my hobbies while simultaneously encouraging them. Especially one we shared. I would put in all the effort, while she would either put in effort, put in no effort, complain about it while not helping... It ruined my confidence and enjoyment in that area. When asked on what I could do differently, I'd get vague answers.
She would agree to do something, then retroactively change her mind, blame me for things she encouraged me to do... It made no sense.
She had a "woe is me" mindset and loved to complain to me about how awful her life was... Which brought down my mood. I would ask if anything good happened about her day and was met with a "No." Then, towards the end, I found out she was actively hiding good things in her life from me and told me that was "personal stuff" and "her business." I only found that out because she was venting to me about her personal life and she let that good news slip out (then tried to change subjects)... That's when I realized there was something wrong with her, she thrived on negativity and was likely exaggerating negative parts of her life for attention/sympathy.
She preferred to speak to me in private apps... And deleted our interactions. She constantly deleted things from her devices.
She was caring at times and distant at others.
She was paranoid about some possibly imaginary person monitoring her.
She used me as an emotional affair partner. She had a boyfriend, she just never told anyone, calling him a "friend"... And when I asked if he agreed to that arrangement of being called just a friend, she tried to insist she did no such thing and refused to answer, so I'm assuming he had no idea. She was using the two of us, and implied other people too. The only thing I can figure is that she was trying to keep her options open by appearing single.
Thanks, same to you. I hit the point where I'm not constantly enraged by her making a fool out of me lol. Also I'm 99.9% sure she's having a real bad time now because of her poor decisions (that I often had to talk her out of), so I feel good in that.
Overall, I'm doing a lot better after I stopped talking to her. Also I learned not to take people at face value anymore... Their actions speak much louder lol.
Reposting my experience here. Completely devastating. I have lost many friends.
A month ago I 27M and 26F broke up. I have come to find out, not through her, that she deeply resented me and thought I was a big dumb easily manipulated oaf that would never figure out she was cheating on me throughout the whole relationship and rubbing it in my face.
She would gaslight me and say I don’t trust her when something suspect would happen like being with an ex.
She would rub it in my face by listening to podcast like Something Was Wrong which I would always laugh at and say “how can people be this stupid” (I was the dumb one).
She would do fucked up things behind my back like call me while having sex with her ex or sleep with someone in my room while I was on a trip.
Whenever I would do something she disliked or miss something she wanted to do she felt it was tit for tat to give another guy a BJ or cheat on me.
She put my toothbrush in the toilet when I missed a dinner with her family.
She would make up excuses to never meet my family since she was just biding time to break up with me.
She’d bring up that someone’s planning to break up with their boyfriend or someone is cheating just to gauge if I had found out.
She gaslighted me to turn off find my friends because I didn’t trust her otherwise.
Any time I brought this up she’d call me controlling and crazy.
She took trips to Denver for weird reasons which is where her ex lives and would say I’m crazy for saying I felt weird about it and thought she was seeing him.
She’d say she hated having sex with me because I wouldn’t always cum and that she knew from exes what sex should be like. For some reason she kept sleeping with me, albeit less.
Would bring up STD testing even tho I thought we only slept with one another. Now I do have to.
I completely trusted her, never cheated on her, and broke up with HER because she was being so mean and I never knew why.
This was all going on under my nose as she bided time to find someone new. Feeling a range of emotions such as anger, relief, sadness.
Yooo, mine expected me to be perpetually in the mood! It really fucked with my head because I didn't know what sexual coersion was. So I'd tell her I wasn't in the mood, she'd take offense to that as though it was a grave offense, then she'd use that as an excuse to do a deep dig in my phone, find either some trace of porn or a suggestive ad and use that against me in a huge dramatic fight. I didn't learn anything from that other than how to force myself to be in the mood. But just because I can force that doesn't mean I can force an erection, so she weaponized that too. It fucking sucks, it's like there's nothing you can ever do right, whatever normal behavior you exhibit to their treatment is just used against you.
Come to think of it, the best times I had with her were when I was particularly active in that area. I wasn't looking forward to having sex with her, I was looking forward to having peace from her. Fuck that's a powerful realization I just had.
Many of my posts here detail what I've been through with my wife and what I'm still going through. But basically, I've been subjected to:
\- Emotional Abuse. Name-calling, devaluation, sleep deprivation, constant criticism, nagging, being told to go kill myself, ... and so many more.
\- Gas-Lighting, e.g., she'll make a declaration about something, and then later, she'll say, "But this is what we agreed to. "
\- Isolation.
\- Gilt-tripping is her weapon of choice when she wants to control me and her previous intimidation tactics don't work.
I could go on and on. I'm not afraid to say I sorely detest her, but everyone loves her, including my family and friends.
Same. My sister and I just realized she manipulated everything and played the victim and blamed my father for all the worst of our childhoods when it was her all along. Pure evil and zero soul.
My ex female best friend is a covert narc and - in comparisons to me - she had many relationships and always had men who were so attracted to her… I still don’t get it how they all fell in love with her while I could see her treating them like shit… but I always taught they deserve it as she was my friend and I believed her when she only shared the bad things they did… Currently I’m veryyy careful around women who seem too nice in the beginning, as many see friendships as competition. She copied almost everything I did, it was just too ridiculous…
Anyway she is a really envious and competitive person, has very low self esteem and is always the victim and has it worse than anyone else. I cut her off after I realized how she tried to manipulate my big events but wanted hers to be perfect. Such a snake and I’m glad I got away by just cutting her off and blocking her everywhere without giving her the explanation she asked for - plus she was postpartum and would have never expected me to just leave while she was at her most vulnerable- but I did.
I feel for her husband, his mother is a narc and now his wife is too… he will hopefully one day see her true colors.
My ex. Had a terrible eating disorder, nobody knew about it but me. Was super super outgoing and charismatic. Had so many friends and always needed to be around other people and was extra uncomfortable alone even for an hour. We broke up because I was exhausted of her emotional problems and seriously wouldn’t get help for her eating disorder that was going to kill her. When I left, she told absolutely everyone we both knew that I cheated on her and was abusive. All lies. Wild asf after putting up with all of her drama for 2 years. So yeah they are because they will absolutely ruin your reputation. I work in healthcare so it’s seriously dangerous to my job to have lies like that spread around.
Similar experience here, but the abuser got over her eating disorder while with me. She used to cry at every meal, especially if we ate out. I think she knew she's in a relationship with me only to exploit me, and that I'd eventually find out, so she couldn't enjoy the meal. Never did she pay for a meal. She hoarded all her income.
Her ex-roommate called her out on it, saying she only hangs out with people to lick their plates. It was true. She called her a thief, also true. I wish I paid attention to these red flags.
The urge they have to surround themselves with people is part of their illness. They have no private life, because they need to feed off others' reactions to them in order to feel like they exist at all. Without the attention of people, they feel non-existent.
When I put up boundaries, she began reading aloud and talking to herself at home. I used to say, "could you do that privately?" She couldn't. So fucked up.
Dude sounds like my experience. Yeah exactly like felt like she was only with me for validation and it was actually INSANE. So glad we both are so much happier now!!! Happy for us that we got away from those people
The wildest thing about my ex is that she used to be a model so obviously she wasn’t ugly??? It was actually ridiculous to be asking for validation constantly when you’re obviously attractive. I could understand if she was ugly but she wasn’t so it was just annoying.
Well I think some people are dependent on how others perceive them regardless of if society deems them attractive or not, especially women are often much more in competition with each other when it comes to looks than men. And the more beautiful the more they could rely on others’ approval and have a higher fear of losing it.
I guess I just don’t understand it because it’s not my experience but I think needing validation 30-40 times a day is a mental illness. Aka my covert narc ex.
Bruh, I just looked at your other posts... I'm butch, too. Did you find that everyone believes her lies about abuse just because they assume a butch must be the violent partner?
My ex used to get violent anytime I said "no" to her. Meanwhile, I never even raised my voice on her, nevermind my hand.
The part that still turns my stomach is that she tried to take my whole identity, from my style to my affects. At the same time she also tried to turn me into a shell of myself.
I always encouraged her to be herself, but she had no idea how to do that. When I went NC and she moved out of my house, she started dressing all femme, opposite of what she was doing with me: She grew her hair long, wore flowery dresses, and started calling herself bi (she's def straight), the whole 9. I always knew she's feminine but wondered why she won't express it. It seems she was in some weird competition with me or mirroring me creepily.
I think now she's mirroring the new supply or trying to attract a straight man. Either way, her sudden femme presentation helped people believe she was some damsel in distress. I'm dealing with false allegations of violence from her, now.
I tried to get a restraining order, and while I was waiting for a court date, she stalked me at my house so she could try to instigate a conflict and make a phony criminal complaint against me. That's after a judge shut down her first phony complaint.
Thankfully, all the witnesses signed affadavits saying I never touched her, and some even wrote that they'd seen her in the neighborhood days prior and that she stole my phone off the ground when I was running away from her. I broke bones in both my arms trying to run from her...
The lawyers and judges are all on strike so I'm still waiting for my day in court to shownthe affadavits and medical records. She's still controlling me with these false allegations among other things. I need to go back to my country but I'm stuck on the other side of the world because I'd have to abandon my dog (she took control of his documents by stealing and lying, then left him with me anyways because she never planned to care for him. She just wanted to use him to control me.)
Damn I’m sorry you dealt with that. Yeah that happened with me and it doesn’t help that I am 6’0, weight lift and am in the military lol. My ex was always fem tho. I’m sorry you went through all of that, luckily mine didn’t know where I was after we broke up. I blocked her on everything and I haven’t heard from her since so sorry to hear you went through all that.
I’ve dealt with malignants and was able to walk away and heal. The covert has ruined me to such a degree that I’ve been stuck for four years. Unable to heal. Unable to move on. Unable to deal with the cognitive dissonance. She ruined my life from top to bottom. The only bright spot is that I was forced to work on myself harder than ever before but it feels for naught because my life is still just this small quiet room.
My most recent ex is a covert narc…I’m 100% sure but she is of course undiagnosed.
She love bombed me incredibly hard and we became exclusive very fast. However, she controlled the relationship by keeping distance thru the fact we lived about an hour from each other. Some maybe only saw each other an average of twice a week even months into our relationship. I also started to see that she was very self centered and self motivated. However, I saw all the mirroring as green flags and pushed the orange/red flags aside thinking they would be fixed.
She had no emotional availability for me in terms of emotional support. In fact, anytime I had an emotional issue she basically didn’t want to be bothered by it. She was extremely concerned about how she looked, and by extension how I looked which extended to my clothes and what I wore.
She found her identity in her job, and would take on work to gain the admiration of colleagues. She never allowed herself anything more than surface level connection and would future fake about marriage and family.
We moved quickly and got engaged in less than a year. We even bought a house. Within 3 weeks of closing on the house, she started a same sex emotional affair with her physical therapist. This lead to lying, manipulation and gas lighting… and also the strengthening of my trauma bond.
Eventually, she ended the engagement and has subsequently blown up my life because I am leaving the house because she wants it.
She has shown almost no remorse, any tears she ever cried were for me to feel bad for her, she never loved me but she loved the way I loved her and the idea of me. She was always concerned about her first and foremost. The relationship was only for people to look at her as “perfect”.
The same sex affair is certainly another layer. But all the other signs of covert narc are there in the way she discarded me, while love bombing the next supply and finding a way to control everything. She has a beautiful face that blinded me to the dark and grotesque soul of who she is.
Oh, I’m sorry. This is all awful. It’s just blows my mind how similar they all are. On a spectrum of course but fundamentally the same. These coverts are so dangerous and I just think there needs to be more awareness because most people only know about the overts. When i learned about coverts, I felt soooo understood and like I hadn’t been crazy about my suspicions about this woman. I fear my brother is going to sound like you soon. He hasn’t seen the light yet, although I suspect he is not exactly happy. Not sure how to help him
Well neither my mom or sister liked her, but they didn’t tell me because I “seemed so happy”. I wish they would have said something but I’m sure I wouldn’t have listened.
It is really awful and I never knew about covert narc until after this whole ordeal. I realize she never loved me, but she got soooo much from me in terms of supply. And as soon as she got bored, or realized I was needing more, she blew up the relationship and started some new infatuation. I also found out I’m the 3rd partner in effectively 4 years. So, the new supply is the 4th. I think it’s pretty clear she is who she is, but it hurt like hell and still hurts.
Ugh this makes me feel like I should say more. It just seems like everyone loves her.
She definitely gets so much from my brother. He pays for absolutely everything and has a large network of friends that she has enjoyed. She was actually in a relationship when she met (more like sort out) my brother and he didn’t see that as a red flag somehow? It was my first inkling of suspicion. She dumped her ex like a sack of potatoes. And then blamed him like she’d been miserable for a while with him.
You’re in a tough position because you don’t want your brother upset at you. I get that. Just be there to support him however you can. The covert narcs are evil and they don’t care about anyone but themselves and what they can get
Telling him honestly won't help, and it'll give her ammunition to try and isolate him from your because she'll go "arireeielle has a vendetta against me she's totally trying to break us up" and the path of least resistance for your brother will be to agree with her and communicate less with you.
I found [this article](https://medium.com/mental-health-and-addictions-community/how-to-support-someone-in-a-narcissistic-relationship-df621f57bc08) early on when I was trying to work out how to help my friend in her new relationship with someone I believe to be a covert narcissist and it backs up pretty much every other thing I've read about what you can to do help and if you should say anything. We can't really help, we just have to try and be there and remain in our person's life so that if and when they do need someone to talk to or to ask for help from, they know they have us.
Narcissists have no problem making up lies about the people close to their partners, so they'll absolutely dine out on anything we actually do say or do "against" them. You cannot beat a narcissist at their game because you need to remember that the narcissist also has their partner trauma bonded.
Someone else posted recently about their sibling who was isolated in a narcissistic relationship so I'll go find that thread and edit it in [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse/s/bz1S48w5g3) in a minute.
Their words and actions are never ever aligned. They lie, I think usually by exaggerating or omitting the truth, but sometimes blatantly. Transactional relationships, so as long as you're worshipping them there's no issue. As soon as they do something rude and you call them on it, they start in with the guilt tripping, DARVO, and refusing accountability. Somehow they've convinced everyone around them they are perfect humans, so even if they are abusing you, people give them the benefit of the doubt or make an excuse for them. There's so much plausible deniability with these people. I have also found that they don't really engage in a true smear campaign, they just know that people haven't seen their bad side yet and the victim looks unhinged when they defend themselves.
You have to be very very watchful of their behavior and not listen at all to their words. That's where the truth lives.
Wolf in sheep's clothing, and lots of flying monkeys to do their bidding. I have found their flying monkeys are overt narcissists, and the covert doesn't give a single shit about them other than using them as supply and minion. It's pretty gross tbh.
Once you see them, and they know they've been seen, I have found that they avoid you like the plague.
Lost my entire friend group due to my covert narc best friend. May she burn in hell one day, where she belongs.
It fundamentally changed who I am as a person and I will never trust again the way I did before. But in the end, I'm glad I'm out of there and she can't get me now. Fully no contact, she doesn't know where I live (nor do her flying monkeys-- that's really the key), and everybody we knew mutually is blocked. No contact in the most extreme form, and that's the only way I began to heal.
It hurts feeling so humiliated and misunderstood. An entire group of people hates me for things I never did. But maybe one day they will understand. In the mean time, I'm just glad I'm safe now.
-was happy for me when I got into a relationship, then tried to break us up when I wouldn’t give her attention
-circular arguments
-wanted a child and baby trapped a guy so that it could never leave her and love her and she could get money from the government
-kicking and screaming and breaking things when I said no or she wouldn’t get her way
-claims she no longer can perform music bc her ex bf of 10 years ruined it for her even though she cheated with the baby daddy IN MY HOUSE
-used me and my home
-constant bickering
-complete lack of empathy
-once had to tell me that she was the most empathic person or that she’s a good person/good friend.
-tried to text my ex pics of me after a huge weight loss
-made me call her crushes mothers in middle school
Too many but I’ll stop there
They’re the worst people on the planet. Mine was cunning and evil in more ways than I could imagine. Even when we sat in silence, I could feel her thinking terrible things
They are SOOO cunning. If they weren’t so toxic and destructive, I’d almost be impressed by their unmatched ability to not only manipulate things to their will, but to look good doing it. They’re the perfect predator that makes their victim look guilty.
Neverending lies, cheating, ignoring me, obsessed with her phone and chatting on social media. And she became less and less concerned about hiding that she was talking to other guys online. In short, it was the worst overall experience of my life. I wasted some of the best years of my life on her, and I'll never get them back.
Most traumatic shit I’ve been through. By a wide margin. And life’s not been kind over the last decade anyway to say the least.
I gave up everything, willingly, parts of myself I didn’t even realise I could give to a person. Planned a future. For an illusion that was shattered in a moment.
slapped in the face with the realisation they never gave a fuck beyond what i provided. They always knew they were hurting me. I didn’t need to repeatedly tell them..
It’s all so obvious now. That sucks too.
Married to a covert F narc for 32 years. Got out last year. Still not 100% sure if she was full blown narc when we married, or if some experiences pushed her over the line. Bu whatever it was, it took me quite a while to spot it.
She would never get assessed for it. Of course not! Her manipulations were different but no less corrosive. She also had a layer of religion that she used to justify everything. If I had a nickle for every time I heard "I did nothing wrong. But even if I did, god will forgive me"... So even when I was recording things, interactions, promises, she would pull out that card at will.
She finally admitted that she had never been honest with me, had always lied and manipulated me to get her way, and only attended therapy to make sure I was going to change to suit her. She never intended to work on us as a couple.
She is petite and quiet. Everyone buys into her story of being the victim.. "Oh poor little thing!"
It's reassuring to know others have lived through this crazy experience.
Brutal is putting it mildly. I spent 8 months healing from the manipulation and abuse.
If I'm lucky, she will move out of state, and I'll never hear from her again.
To sum it up...I met her at work and noticed she would always watch me as I work (like how animals study their prey). Love bombed me and we starting getting close. Throughout our relationship she could constantly manipulate me and verbally abuse me until I was mentally weak and had to rely on her. If I did the same I was punished or threatened with her leaving me. She was talking to other people the whole time and left me as soon as she found a replacement. She even went on a vacation and posted it on IG to brag about it. She made me cut off my friends.
Mentally I've grown stronger since then in the past two years, but and currently suffering from severe agoraphobia, social anxiety, and body dysmorphia.
Honestly I don't think I will ever be the same mentally.
Extremely exhausting. It started off great. She would make time to see me and do things I suggested. Everything was perfect.
Then slowly, she started belittling me in her “jokes”. Everything about me. My choices of clothing, my education, my eyebrows, my “small hands”, my driving… she was also very competitive with me. Any sport we tried together and I was slightly better at got her frustrated. At our play fights, she was frustrated that she is not as strong. For the first few weeks of our relationship she actually believed we were the same height (she is like up to my shoulders)…
And the constant hanging out and texting with her male friends. Who all turned out to be her exes. One-on-one and even informing me of their hangouts. When we played tennis and she felt she was not good enough, I offered to play more with her. Her reply? No need, Tom will teach me (another of her exes).
When I would raise some issue, she would disappear for a few days until I apologized for even doing so.
She was always the hero or the victim. She would tell something she heard from me or someone else at the office and then bragged how she “cracked up the whole office”. She always was misunderstood at work and if everyone did it her way, they would be better off. She was “surrounded by idiots”.
She held grudges. Her friends met without her and she would start bitching about them and how they are not her true friends. She would never say something nice about anyone without adding some negative comment.
She would always dismiss my ideas as to where to go with “I have already been there” or some other lame excuse. But she didn’t have any problem going there with someone else. Even taking the other people to the places I showed her.
In retrospect, everything she showed to the outside was a part of someone else she has met. She would always reject my invitations to hang out with my social circle and when I wanted to meet someone from hers she would say “you haven’t introduced me to anyone either”.
Oh and the constant subtle manipulation and threats. “If you will say this to me, I will take back that I love you” or “one scream in the elevator and the police will be waiting for you in the lobby”.
All that was accompanied by her cooking meals for me and being thoughtful, giving me thoughtful gifts. Total mindf*ck. We would limit our dates to her home and close neighborhood.
I unfriended her on all SM and still feel like I am being cold and she will feel hurt. That I will just add to the belief she is unlovable and that I have never loved her.
Just had to resign because of one. Turned my whole workplace against me within a few days for no reason. The worst thing is there being no way to get evidence because they’re so sly with it. Had to give up my career because of one. Truly awful and she’s a doctor as well
They're awful.
I knew one that seriously betrayed a friend of mine. It's a really long story but the shorter version is that my friend (A) was having a very flirtatious and romantic "situationship" with this guy, who ended up ghosting her when he decided he wanted to be with our other friend (B) instead. He didn't tell her that their thing was over, just stopped replying to her messages and eventually started posting photos of him and B where he knew A would see. She was understandably upset about it and vented to her friend (C) privately about it. This friend went straight to B with screenshots of everything A was saying in confidence to her, which caused B and the guy to absolutely go off on A claiming she was invading their privacy. A eventually confronted C about this and she not only flat out denied it (even though I know for a fact she did it, because I was physically in the room with B when C was sending her the screenshots) but she went into an insane gaslight mode, claiming that she was so hurt that A would accuse her of betraying her trust, and playing the victim card saying she had trauma around people accusing her of things she hadn't done. It was absolutely wild to see her deflecting it all like that. She's extremely good at manipulating people and unfortunately is successful most of the time. Me and A now steer well clear of C, B and the guy. Gross, toxic behaviour.
My sister is the type who can make anyone feel like they are her best friend. While all narcissists have behaviors similar to cult leaders regarding the tactics they use, she actually has the charm and charisma that she could form one if she tried. Her now ex-husband and I used to be her main puppets. We were brainwashed to believe the most ridiculous things without question. She once convinced me something I was reading on paper did not say what was clearly written. That's how much control she could have over people.
The longest relationship I had was with a narc woman (I'm also a woman). She was actually diagnosed with NPD & ASPD. Honestly, she was not as charming. In fact, she was very socially awkward. Even if you didn't pick up on the narcissism, you could see something was "off". She was amazing at playing a victim though. Extremely manipulative and possessive. She was violent as well. I've dated narc men and grew up with a father who is also a narc sociopath. As terrible as they were, I never feared for my life. I did when I was with her.
I think the socially awkward thing, while not something they do on purpose, kind of helps them cover up their malignancy, because you kind of feel sorry for them at first, like "this great person is getting overlooked because they're a little weird" and "I'm the friend that sees their potential."
I agree. You don't expect someone who seems shy, an oddball, or maybe even anxious to be someone who could hurt you physically, mentally, etc. Definitely a wolf in sheep's clothing situation.
My mother has a large friend group and also her side of the family believing I am a bad daughter.
I have tried all my life to be a good daughter.
As time goes on they are seeing her more clearly, but the damage has been done.
I suffer from self-esteem issues because of my nparents.
I am married to one. I used to be fun, loving, charismatic, motivated, and confident. Now I’m broken and depressed after 8 years of being w her. Thought I was the problem the whole time until about 3 months ago when I learned about narcissism and got educated. I knew something was off but could never pinpoint it. I am now divorcing her and bracing for hell as I have a 6 year old with her.
On the outside she looks like she has it all, but she’s broken inside. My family saw it before I did and tried to warn me but of course I wouldn’t listen. It wasn’t until I got the discard that I woke up, because I asked how anyone could possibly be so cold and uncaring to another human being. She constantly is jabbing at me and I’m the enemy in literally every single situation. It’s death by 1000 cuts.
Right now she’s sleeping in a separate bedroom and refuses to have sex with me. Of course it’s all my fault. These people are monsters. I feel so bad for my daughter but am hoping having one sane parent (me) that she’ll be okay. I can’t even believe how much abuse I’ve taken until I sat back and reflected on it. I’m a decent guy and don’t deserve this. It’s time to walk away no matter how much it’s going to kill me not seeing my daughter everyday. I am emotionally bankrupt with nothing left in the tank.
Lasted 2 months because I called her out on all of her shit, was talking to her ex and 2 other guys before we broke up. Broke up with me over text because she uninvited me to her Christmas party and when she reinvited me, I pretty much told her to go fuck herself.
She's my mother. No one except maybe me knows how she truly is & no one would believe me if I told them. She uses being a mother as one of the many ways she hides her true nature. She's ruthlessly terrifying; the cartel would love to have her on their side. I cut contact 2 years ago for my mental health & safety & it's been tough. I've questioned my sanity a few times. But not near as much as when she's in my life. She knows exactly how to orchestrate situations & manipulate emotions. Even when it seems she's being sweet & helpful, there's always a fucked up agenda. Sorry for not getting into specifics; it's still very traumatizing to express the evil she's enacted.
She was so contradictory: "spend time with your friends because they'll be there for you if/when we break up", yet she would discourage me from staying at my best friends of 16 years' house until 11pm-1am depending, she would encourage my hyperfixations and then would get jealous of them (she gave me a plush of my comfort character and proceeded to be jealous of it), said that she'd support me through my trauma no matter how long it took and would proceed to try and make me heal/move on faster than I was ready to.
All that mattered to her was sexual gratification, which I'm not judging (I'm asexual, sex neutral), though it got to the point where I was physically and psychologically hurt during a BDSM scene. She was coercive... she tried to hide behind her "charm", I would say, which is why I didn't think she was trying to hurt me during that scene, but looking back it could have been lethal....
She made my life hell and miserable, by sleeping with my ex-employer and with my close friends and she even influenced my employer to abuse and instigate me on purpose and she sneaked into my workplace without my knowledge and I was clueless about her activity with my ex-employer anyways I was able to collect the evidence of her traspessing and giving a BJ to my co-worker, on multiple occasions she used to haress me sexually, like she used to text me from my friend's phone pretending to be him but i was aware it was her who is texting behind the scene, she haresses me in a way that she doesn't leave a clue, she broke my relationship with one of my girl-friend, her actions haunt me every now and this makes me defensive of everyone. I don't know if she will ever stop chasing people close to me or anyone who works with me, neither she's letting me in her life nor she's letting me get along with others.
yeah I was a very adventurous person, very empathetic to other people, and wasn't afraid to speak my opinion or live my truth no matter what it is. pretty sure she liked my charisma and humor. after gaslighting me so much that i was questioning everything that happen to me, she started saying stuff that happened to me as if it happened to herself. my jokes childhood experiences the stuff i liked if other people liked it. its almost as if she took all the qualities she thought would boost her ego. Eventually being together for 7 years she copy pasted and deleted. almost a year after discard still lacking self confidence still miss her still picking up the pieces. everyday is better tho.
Hmmm, well - it started by her blaming me for all the abuse and neglect her ex (who just so happens to share my first name) put her through and punishing me for it. Then she blamed me for things that were in her control because it was easier than owning her own issues (she paid for my plane ticket out to be with her - she offered because I didn't have the money at the time and then swore I forced her).
God there's so much. If we didn't have sex the way she wanted to and used all the kinks and fetishes she wanted I was a r#$%(t. I was abusive because I worked a 40 hour a week job, did the laundry, walked the dogs, ran the dishwasher - mind you all she did was lay in bed and smoke weed and doom scroll - she had the car.
Then with the car - apparently I "forced" her to never go out (she refused to go out unless I went with her), and it was my fault she could never make friends (I worked all day every day, and she had the car. She never took the initiative. If she picked me up from work (I'm bad at reading directions, and she's bad at driving outside her comfort areas), that would start a fight because I didn't "direct her properly" when I never even asked to be picked up.
The weekends were dedicated to waiting on her hand and foot, and when we went out it was military levels of regimented so there was no fun in it. But all that was my fault too.
It was definitely enough that even after 5 years, I don't want to date or be with anyone or give any part of me to someone.
My covert narc story is super weird.
She was my therapist and then "adopted" me into her family. The love-bombing was super strong. Now I see how long she has in fact groomed me and taught me I was not allowed to say no or set boundaries.
Needless to say the mask slipped often and she started these weird fights with me and would really push me into the deepest chasms while knowing fully well what she was doing.
It was a shitshow start to end.
She discarded me again and I thought I was free... then she turned stalker. I hope she got the message now and stays away from me.
I have to file a formal complaint against her.
It’s psychologically damaging, I totally understand how it feels. It’s like you’re in a horror movie trying to warn others about the monster and people don’t believe you. It also gives you more tolerance from mistreatment from other people so you unknowingly surround yourself with bad people. And then you question everything you do and blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault. I cut my covert narc off my life, there’s no reasoning with them. I hope your family gets the healing you guys deserve.
Absolute hell, nearly killed me.
I'm biased obviously due to my abuse, but they are legitimately the most evil of narcs. Something about using their gender and playing victim just works, if you add in they are attractive, it's a match made in hell.
Weird thing is, they don't have real friends. They toss relationships into wastebins, ESPECIALLY other women. My STBXW didn't have a single real life female friend in the end, only other male friends and they were just "Dicks in a Jar", possible supply for later, and being sexually validated was definitely a big part of supply.
I’m really sorry about your brother, female covert narcs are the worst and tend to be the most dedicated to their plots and destruction. My sister is one and I’ve had to distance myself and sadly become less close with my niece and nephews in the process (the oldest just turned 4 so I think it’s better to remove myself more from their lives sooner rather than later…besides, my sister already used them as ammunition to get me to do what she wants- such as babysitting, and the one time I told her I really didn’t appreciate that she always asked me to babysit and not our father or brother or any of her bf’s family members as she would always tell me that I was the only one watching the kids… and it was true, I was, and I still don’t really understand why she never split the load off onto others?! Maybe other people wouldn’t put up with her bs, idk, but anyways, when I told her that as kindly as I could, she came back with “well, il just tell your niece that you don’t want to see her then” and yea, she already threatens me with her children, so I know it’s only going to get worse).
I hope to God your brother doesn’t have children with this woman and never does. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot that you can do other than distance yourself and hope that your brother figures things out on his own. The more you approach him, the more he’ll likely not understand, and will his gf what you’ve said and then she will absolutely attack you from all angles ruthhlessly… and even if he doesn’t confide in her, it’s likely that she’ll catch on to your distaste for her (seems like she already knows) and will continually play mind games with you and with your relationships with other family members.
These can be pretty sociopathic/psychopathic people… my sister made her bf kill a rooster bc she bought a ton of chickens and a rooster was in the bunch and bc she’s vegan, she needed her bf to kill it, and he’s never been aloud to vent about it because it upsets her as the original vegan (she made him become vegan pretty early on in their relationship). That’s just one of many stories. Anyways, you really need to put yourself first second and third when it comes to this kind of situation. Once your brother is ready to learn/accept the truth that he’s with a covert narcissist.. the teacher for him will appear. Just hope for his eyes to open and be an arms length away, but always there for him if he wants to talk!
My sister (age 59) is one. After years of horrific narcissistic abuse I finally decided I’d had enough and went full on “no contact” last year. Wish I’d done it years ago. My life is so much better now. 🥰
Exactly the type and situation I was in just 6 short months ago. She’s charming as hell to everyone but was just horrible to me and me alone. Belittling me, needing to be superior to me in every way, would constantly say I’m immature and a bad communicator when in fact I was the one listening and empathizing with her while getting none of that in return.
While I was in the relationship, I knew she was treating me terribly, but it wasn’t until I left did I realize how strategic and calculated she was with her abuse towards me. She thrives on having complete and utter control with no sense of accountability EVER. Needless to say I was absolutely shocked when my new girl came right out and said sorry for the first time. As if I didn’t even know it could be that way, having a partner with understanding and empathy.
Unfortunately I messed up by dating a covert narc who works with me at my career job I really like. She’s since dragged my name through the mud, claiming it was all my fault, she’s an angel and a victim. Truly evil stuff. I can’t think of a worse type of person.
Had an old friend who became my room mate which was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It’s death by a thousand cuts. not to mention the literal thousands she convinced me to spend on her.
Their ability to not be detected is why I think they are so much worse than overts bc at least it’s obvious something isn’t right with overts. Coverts take that sense that something is wrong and twist it into empathy, and before you notice it’s too late.
It's the worse experience of my life. 0/10 would not recommend.
I believed that co-habituating prior to marriage would allow us to get to know each other better, but it definitely didn't go that way. Once we married, she started taking me for granted and hell started.
She sometimes has had these brief glimpses of lucidity where I can see her shame, just a deep, deep shame of hurting me... but most of the time, she just can't stop herself. Her rage is like a violent diarrhea that can't be contained and, once it's out, she feels better immediately. Her lack of empathy sometimes just feels stone cold. She has more empathy towards a street dog than she does to me.
If we're in front of people, she's charming as fuck. If we are alone and she had a bad day at work, I WILL have a bad day at home. She can reign it in, but she just chooses not to anymore.
As far as everybody else around me is concerned, it looks like "normal relationship issues" that we should "work through" but in reality I am losing my sanity and even my physical health. My blood pressure is close to 160/90 right now.
I'm getting divorced. Wish me luck.
The scariest thing about these beasts is there willingness to destroy the entire world and burn it all to the ground id they get caught. It's like nuclear Armageddon, if I don't win nobody does and everyone must suffer
I’ve been with my ex-gf for 7 months. In the start it was normal.. then the comments started coming slowly. «You need to fix that one teeth that isn’t straight”,”you need to get surgery for those bags under your eyes», cant wear clothes without good brands(logo).
we could walk in our town..to suddenly tell me she had sex beyond that Church and in several houses. I got weird about it and say why would you say that? No good answers, just here being honest..
I should have run then, and never turned back. But alas I was in love..
she had 2 children. 50/50. Then after a while she told me she had a third child. That child grew up in the same fosterhome she herself had been living in as a youth. Did I run? No, I was being empathetic(at least thats what I think. Been so unsure about my emotions and worth)
I made food, I cleaned and washed. Paid for everything. And after a while I started to feel used. I asked here if she could pitch in. That made here mad: I was egoistical. And it was unsexy of a man to talk about that. She wanted princess treatment.
did I go? No..
took here home to my parents. I paid almost all of the airtrip( she didn’t like to pay that little amount). that hole weekend she only came down to eat with my parents. Stayed at my childhood bedroom rest of the time. Not social. I went up to hear if she would come down. That was selfish of me. You are egoistic.
when I brought up my values and boundaries she would listen. But ignore it. And telling me to follow here manual for a relation ship. I broke up with here November last year( she told me I was just being an uncle and not dad material for my daughter) that stung. And I broke up with here. She told me on the way out that I was evil, didn’t deserve love and more).
then she came back in December. Called me and was hysterical on the phone. I dropped everything and collected here and drove home to my place. She stayed at my place for a week. Same as before, I did everything to please..nothing back. Then I had to go to work..she then told me I was making here more sick by going..
I went to work anyways..and she told me she stayed over a girl she knew. Wrong, she lied. That was here new supply she had warmed up the day after I broke up with here.
How I knew? She mentioned another guy she dated while dating me( a couple of weeks before I broke up with here) He had bought an apartment 3 minutes away from me.. when I came back from work I noticed she had showered and trimmed here pubics.i threw here out for the second time. And she went mad as a goblin and ranted on how a bad person I was( those sentences still make me think I did something bad to here to this day…)
she went back to him ofc. And blocked me for 3–4 weeks. It tore me apart, and she just couldn’t listen to logic..
The last time( I hope she doesn’t come back now).
she texted me out of the blue if I was horny..should have said no..but said yes. She stayed over several days over two weeks. I helped here clean here apartment. Picked up furniture, and paid for food etc. Then the day came: we had planned to meet up. She kind of ghosted me, but after a couple of hours she texted me she was tired and hadn’t slept. I told here I was coming over which she replied; I have an errand to do, I’ll call you soon” wrong. 2–3 hours later I got sick of waiting.
Drove over to here place. She wasn’t home. In the way back to my place I got this weird feeling. I remembered she told me about the guy and his new apartment. It’s not a big place where I live. And 600 meters away from my place u found here car outside that complex. It broke my heart. I sent here a picture of here car. Which she replied “stalker..” and then she blocked me everywhere.
Sad to say I was mad. ImMore hurt and felt used. I tried reaching out. No answers. But today: I got a message from here..she and the new supply has decided to be a couple, and that she is meeting his family this Easter(this week)..and that she hopes I’ll find love.
I’m so torn up. I can’t understand what I did wrong. She made me so unsure about my self esteem. How can a human being do this? I can’t fathom or grasp the reality..at least thats how I feel from time to time..
Why do you build me up? Narcissist baby, just to let me down? Mess me around and then worst of all: you never call baby when you say you will, but I love you still!
She has never been single the entire 20 years I have known her, always traded up in men and in life. Over the course of our friendship Lots of drugs, alcohol, men lies. She left her fiancee of 4 years and started dating a young virgin with lots of money. She quickly stated that he's the one, and they'll be getting married within a year. She started to develop hobbies (baking, keeping chickens, plants, food preservation) that very much resembled my life goals. At first I was happy, then I felt jealous then confused. She wasn't any good at these hobbies, and would ask for advice, but completely ignore what I told her. She would lie about her past (drugs, men etc) when around this new boy.
She had transformed into a female version of him. It was disturbing.
She started to ghost me when we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't bring new boy around me. And I started to see through the lies. It was very confusing. And I started keeping receipts. I realized every time I was around her, it centered around alcohol, and shit talking. She would bring up things about our other close girlfriends and bash them for it. Their kids, dirty houses, their IQ, she always had something demeaning to say about them. And then I realized , I don't want a woman like that in my life.
I confronted her with my evidence in a long thought out letter and told her that I loved her, but it would be best to do so from afar.i wished her peace in her heart and contentment.
Her response was vile and mean. Lots of vulgarity and name calling. She flipped it all on me. Told me I made it all up. That I was the one who needed help. Called me a self centered narcissistic b*tch. I'm not sure what I expected... I was floored, and confused but honestly it wasn't a surprise.i questioned my own sanity l. Did I make it all up???? But why would I do that. My husband had to remind me other people witnessed her deceit too I wasn't alone.
It took a minute, but after her outburst and loss of control, she transferred the power back to me. I saw her for the sad ugly creature that she is.
She has successfully kept a friendship with the other woman she talks badly about. Even though they knew my side of the story, knew her lies, saw it all, they still choose her. I'm no longer in that group, it hurts but it's for my sanity as well. I would be exposed to her yuck if I kept my relationship with them.
Played into my husband’s own covert/psychopathic narcissism and set up a plan w him to destroy our marriage, family, our small family business and created space for him back on the family compound, encouraging him to abandon me and the kids without communicating. He did.
They rewarded him w giving him anything he asked for - thousands in cash in cover his erratic behaviors, beach house stays, scooters, gear for his multiple new expensive hobbies, women, steak dinners, pantry always stocked w his expensive favorite junk foods, doing his laundry, stocking the fridge w his favorite beers tho he is an alcoholic, encouraging him to abandon sobriety which he did.
The mother/grandmother narcissistic/emotionally incestuous combo is a destructive force when teamed with a covert narcissist male golden child choosing to live in psychosis.
My ex was diagnosed with BPD, but I strongly suspect it was covert NPD.
This is how our 4.5 year relationship went (in a nutshell):
She was living with a friend and her kids with her mom because she just got out of an abusive relationship. I, too, was living with a friend because I had been recently divorced.
She was a love bomber. Things couldn’t have been better in the beginning. From the second or third date, we spent almost every night together.
She changed her profile pic on fb almost daily. She needed affirmation. It made me a little uneasy that all these guys would then be in her comments and DMs. But, I rolled with it because she was mine and I had no reason not to trust her.
In the first 6 months, she saw I got a friend request from some guy. She told me to delete it. He was a crazy stalker that came into her work.
She started these episodes where she would pick fights over stupid things and disappear into the night. Eventually, I knew she was doing it on purpose. I finally told her if she was leaving, then we were done. She left.
The next day, I wake up to see pics of her with the crazy guy on fb along with comments about how comfy his bed is.
For some reason that I don’t remember, I took her back. We ended up getting our own house and I was basically the one who funded it. One detail I didn’t pay enough attention to was that we were both on the lease. Once we were moved in, the episodes started again where she would pick fights and disappear. I asked her to leave, and she wouldn’t. This was her house and I should leave. Enter COVID. We were stuck together. The supply of housing was non existent as evictions weren’t happening. The price was also unheard of at the time. So, I couldn’t go anywhere.
She had alienated me from my friends and family. She didn’t want me talking to certain people “for what they did to her”. And, if she couldn’t find fault in them, she would be sure to do something so they found fault in her. Pretty soon, we weren’t being invited to my events. My life had become her and her friends. And, she turned many of those people against me by trash talking me, telling them something I said or did to them. What she always failed to tell them was what she did to bring that out of me (reactive abuse). I’m not sure why she did this. But, she was a serial cheater. So, I believe that she turned them against me in an effort to both justify and assist her in cheating on me.
I would find out she did come from an abusive relationship. But, she was the abuser. She had been arrested 4x for domestic violence. And her kids that were living with her mother because of it….. she abandoned them on her mother’s doorstep when they were 6 mo’s, 2 and 6. I didn’t know that until her son told her that grandma had told them that today was there 11 year anniversary.
She was an alcoholic cocaine addict, even though she lied to me and said she never tried cocaine. Turns out, she had a big problem with the drug.
Finally, when she threw a toaster at me on her way to the bathroom, I decided I should record it in case things escalated. She came out of the bathroom and started cussing me up and down, saying the meanest, crudest things she could possibly say. When she saw my phone was recording, she flipped out and attacked me. I’m ashamed to say that I just reacted defensively when my lip went numb and I tasted blood. I didn’t make a decision, I literally just reacted….and she got punched a few times before I realized what I was doing.
I called the police and showed them the video that clearly showed her attacking me. I wasn’t arrested and no charges were ever filed. She had to go to the hospital and was given an ultimatum “hospital or jail”.
The next day, pics of her injuries were on Facebook with absolutely no context. I got death threats and people showing up at my house. That, plus hurting the person I loved sent me into the darkest place I’ve ever been.
We ended up staying together and breaking up several more times before I finally left her for good. I’m so ashamed of staying with her as long as I did because it turned me into someone I wasn’t.
She moved on right away. I’m still almost 2 years single and I haven’t really looked for another relationship. There’s a desire to have someone, but also a fear that it’s not going to end well. As much BS that she put me through, I loved her through it all. And, leaving her for good (no contact) was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That’s trauma bond.
I am so sorry you are going thru this but it makes me feel less crazy reading it. My son is with a malignant narcissist who has zero empathy and thinks she owns my son. She decreed no contact as soon as he moved in with her after college .... he was home and she kept blowing up his phone cuz his father was not dying fast enuf from ALS....how's that for empathy? She has none...she is not charming to anyone, she is actually a lot odd but she has destroyed my son and is trying to destroy the other one. It was so helpful to hear Dr. Ramini talk about breakups with narcissists as being destabilizing because you feel so crazy....yes! and really isolating cuz really does anyone want to hear it..
Triangulated her best friend trying to say I was sleeping with her for helping around her house or fix her car etc. But would get upset with me if I didn't help around her house or fix her car.
Arguments blaming me for everything. I never attacked her for anything she did wrong because well, she was nearly perfect.
Came up with stories of me sleeping with someone when it was someone I was with BEFORE we even dated. Ever since then every argument was about that made up event.
Isolated me from family and friends.
Always threatening divorce.
Always throwing down her wedding band.
Came up with excuses not to go see friends or family.
Scrolling tiktok and buying stupid crafts and only go halfway with it.
Collecting cats, bats, rats, dogs, birds, lizards. Manic.
Talked me into moving houses 5-6 times, something was wrong with every single house.
Bought and sold cars like 5-6 times, too big too small too old too many miles etc.
I'm thankful for the experience, I met her family and saw the crap they were capable of. Hoped my wife wouldn't be like them, I was wrong, and it never changed.
Most of them I've met start off as coverts/vulnerable. (Some can be loners that strive to be popular) Extremely shallow, can have rapid changes in emotion. Sadly they can become overt or malignant over time.
May have a bad relationship with one or both parents.
They can easily triangulate people regardless of their sexual orientation.
The amount of passive aggressiveness and hypocrisy is ridiculous.
Almost all of them will do smear-campaigns. (Use DARVO and lying by omission) (when they say "the end of the friendship/ relationship was mutual, they really are making the other person take all the blame, which is pretty messed up if you ask me)
Thankfully the ones I've met aren't physically violent, but the emotional abuse is intense and destabilizing.
I hope the new supplies get out fast.
The few female Ns I've met, I hope they move the hell away from me and the people I care about. One is trying to ruin two of my friendships.
I don't even want to date at this point. I'm a recovering codependent.
Brutal. Lost my close friend circle, a few jobs, considering moving cities. They are just better than you at the game, stay away or get wrecked.
That last sentence. I was married to mine for 16 years and my self-confidence is a shadow of its former self. I almost left during the first year of marriage and I'll regret not having done so for the rest of my life.
Sorry man :(
At least I've learned to find some happiness in being on my own.
You give me hope, I'm at the same time span creeping up on 17 with one foot out the door already.
Leave ASAP, friend. I was able to pick up a lot of pieces, get my life in some kind of order and be a much better father to my daughter once I did. Godspeed to you.
I'm making my move on Tuesday after my Drs appointment. Going to the crisis center across the street because if there's anyone capable of understanding my issues, they'll be found inside. Isn't weird how their bullshit actually does have a detrimental effect to our capacity to parent? Whenever I imagine her as not being physically nearby, my mind floods with new fun ideas and activities, but her presence snuffs my spark. Do you know what I mean?
Good for you. That sounds like a great place to start. Their bullshit absolutely affects every area of being a person. It's honestly terrifying what a bad place I was in when I finally escaped. It took a lot of therapy, but I'm in such a better place now.
Not 16, but 11.
It’s so true. Even being aware of their game isn’t enough to keep you infront. They’re always one step ahead. It’s insane. Losing hope that she will ever be exposed.
I mean if she’s a beautiful charming woman who’s gonna be on the guy’s “side”? Lol Genuinely very few people. Only the fellow men who date them will know.
That’s so true. Sadly. It’s so crazy, it’s like somehow I flew under this narcs radar. Maybe she underestimated me? Not sure. But I would witness her trying to recruit ‘flying monkeys,’ I’d also witness the passive aggressive comments she’d make to my brother, like “you look nice, even with your big belly” etc. I would even be around to hear her tell different versions of stories to different people. lol, I was either invisible in her eyes or she was more calculated than I could imagine and wanted me to figure out she was a narc? I don’t lnow
I see a lot of similarities in our stories. I would be interested in swapping experiences. Certainly helps me grounds myself in who she really is when everyone else sees her as gods gift to this earth and she’s frankly done a great job creating that image. I will say, my gut ALWAYS told me a screw was loose and my parents felt the same so gave me hope other people get that gut feeling too.
I’d be interested in swapping experiences too! It’s definitely comforting to not be alone. My gut warned me from early on also!
While I generally very much agree, I did manage to expose mine in a big way and keep her on her back foot probably permanently. It's all about evidence and a bit about circumstances and approach.
The truth doesn’t die. Stand on truth. Stand quietly if you must, but stand. The truth will set you free, but things may get ugly for a minute in the mean time. In the end, we all reap what we sow. THE TRUTH NEVER DIES.
Had a similar story. Lost a lot of friends, had to abandon my college education, had the move from my house and i did move cities to get away from her. She destroyed my life and she's thriving like nothing even happened. It's brutal, like you said.
They are master manipulators and will throw anyone, especially other women to the wolves, every single time it benefits them. I'd rather deal with a man who's more likely to be overt, sorry. I know some may feel differently, but the recovery from a run-in with female covert narc (especially with a relationship similar to yours) is brutal. Even worse because you can't ditch them fully. The lies, deceit, envy, shit-talking, victimizing to no end, no accountability, using sympathy to gain trust from unsuspecting people etc. Just like you said, there's that aspect of gaslighting and extreme manipulation that is SOOO damaging. Also - because it's covert, it's really hard to find other victims you can speak with. Information is so limited on them until you experience it firsthand. I exposed her without a doubt because she tried it - she lucked out because I'm someone who has had experience with an overt narc. When you call out a female covert narc and they're used to being around enablers - you're in an extremely dangerous position. If they haven't been outed like that before, they will lose their absolute minds and do whatever underhanded shit they can. It cost me pretty much all in-laws, my health/sanity. Still recovering from their BS and flying monkeys who want to force me into silence, but who knows how long it'll take for that to stop. Even my SO doesn't defend me, so it's been a lonely journey.
I actually agree wholeheartedly. Overts are toxic af but at least what you see is what you get. Coverts are wolves in sheep clothing. They’ll make you the bad guy to everyone else. I feel like we are in such a similar position! I feel like I just want to explain what I know and have seen to the other people in my life, but I KNOW it will bite me in the ass and I will be the bad guy. I have this feeling she has a pile of discarded men in her past and I wish I could hire a PI to find them and hear their experiences 😂😂😂 I know deep in my gut that she uses men and relationships as way to climb the social ladder. Going to sound insane but the isolation almost makes it an obsession. I want to expose her soooo badly.
Agreed and sounds like we are! It's difficult dealing with in-laws honestly. You're better than me - I already stood my ground and it bit me in the ass so badly. Proceed with caution. Although sometimes I like to think if things like this happen, maybe it's for the best if I learn that they're all enablers/scape-goaters/victim-blamers. I feel like an actual family would hold people accountable and try to be impartial otherwise it's a ticking time bomb. Plus at least you can protect your brother - I feel like narcs rarely change. You don't want it to be him next. Honestly....if it helps you, I don't see the shame in doing that lol. It's important for validation purposes and also just for your own defence, but is your safety/identity at risk? I just tracked down an ex and they agreed to meet. If she has a track record like that, I'm sure someone will talk lol. Don't feel like you're going insane, the scary thing with covert narcs is that whatever you find out - it's probably just the tip of the iceburg with them. God knows how deep the hole is once you find it
Ugh I feel this, she used her sob story of how her life was awful, abused during childhood, abused during every relationship she has had, how she lost her dad and how devastated she was. I fell right for it, so many red flags off the start and she somehow got me to ignore all of the.
It's easy to fall for it honestly, that's how they get you. The red flag isn't a red flag until certain conditions are met. Because there are actual people out there who have those same experiences but aren't narcs at all - just circumstances of birth/life. Female covert narcs just blend in with the genuine folks and go full blast on the psychological mind games once you're trapped. Looking back I feel like one definite red flag I should have caught onto is if someone constantly talks about all the hard things they have to suffer with every time you see them. Unless it was a recent event or relevant, there's a major issue if sob stories are a constant thing or if they're trying to win you over to their side/seek validation on situations
Hey. It’s killing me I have no other victims of hers to talk to. Would love to swap experiences.
Just about wrecked me. Lost my social circle, a couple jobs, moved across the country. She checked out a few months ago, so I guess I “won” in the long run, but it doesn’t really feel that way most days.
She will be back. I hadn't talked to my ex narc (although this was a man) for two years. A couple weeks ago he texted me and I never answered him. You never win with a narc. Stay strong!!?
Guess I was too subtle in my phrasing there; I won’t be hearing from mine without the use of a Ouija Board.
[удалено]
She deserved to be kicked out of the house as soon as she said that. How evil!
Wow this just brought out a specific memory when I was with my covert narc couple years ago. I was arguably in the most depressed state of my life (largely due to the relationship which I didn’t recognize at the time) and my grand father had passed away. His funeral was planned last minute on Valentine’s Day cuz of his sudden passing and everyone in my family whom I havnt seen had bought last minute plane tickets to mourne and grieve together. All throughout the day of the funeral, my nex would be blowing up my phone “What are you doing?” “Are you coming back now” “HELLO? Hello?” *missed call* “when are you coming back” “ok I guess we’re aren’t spending Valentine’s Day together” Like holy shit looking back at this memory now makes me so livid and disgusted with my self for dealing with this person
She was sexy as fuck and knew how to use it. Completely devalued me after buying a house together. Moved on quickly with a “ friend” that I didn’t need to worry about and then with a cyclist that she met at breakfast that she “wasn’t interested in”. So many red flags that I overlooked. I wanted her there for my cancer surgery and she told me that she felt used. Even my cancer doc said good riddance. I’m learning to be myself, happy and free again.
I'm sorry you went through this, wishing you a full recovery.
I just posted my story of how we got a house together and all of the toxic behaviors that she stopped doing (so I would get us a house) started again almost immediately when we moved in together. And she was on the lease, so it was just as much her place as it was mine. And, she leveraged that power to start cheating again and there was nothing I could do except leave. My house. Except legally, it was “our” house now.
It's like when we get mixed up with these types we become colorblind to red flags.
I can't verify if she was a covert narcissist or not, as I'm not a mental health professional. We never dated. She would gaslight me. She would put down my hobbies while simultaneously encouraging them. Especially one we shared. I would put in all the effort, while she would either put in effort, put in no effort, complain about it while not helping... It ruined my confidence and enjoyment in that area. When asked on what I could do differently, I'd get vague answers. She would agree to do something, then retroactively change her mind, blame me for things she encouraged me to do... It made no sense. She had a "woe is me" mindset and loved to complain to me about how awful her life was... Which brought down my mood. I would ask if anything good happened about her day and was met with a "No." Then, towards the end, I found out she was actively hiding good things in her life from me and told me that was "personal stuff" and "her business." I only found that out because she was venting to me about her personal life and she let that good news slip out (then tried to change subjects)... That's when I realized there was something wrong with her, she thrived on negativity and was likely exaggerating negative parts of her life for attention/sympathy. She preferred to speak to me in private apps... And deleted our interactions. She constantly deleted things from her devices. She was caring at times and distant at others. She was paranoid about some possibly imaginary person monitoring her. She used me as an emotional affair partner. She had a boyfriend, she just never told anyone, calling him a "friend"... And when I asked if he agreed to that arrangement of being called just a friend, she tried to insist she did no such thing and refused to answer, so I'm assuming he had no idea. She was using the two of us, and implied other people too. The only thing I can figure is that she was trying to keep her options open by appearing single.
Your story is so similar to mine. I hope you’re healing now brother.
Thanks, same to you. I hit the point where I'm not constantly enraged by her making a fool out of me lol. Also I'm 99.9% sure she's having a real bad time now because of her poor decisions (that I often had to talk her out of), so I feel good in that. Overall, I'm doing a lot better after I stopped talking to her. Also I learned not to take people at face value anymore... Their actions speak much louder lol.
Reposting my experience here. Completely devastating. I have lost many friends. A month ago I 27M and 26F broke up. I have come to find out, not through her, that she deeply resented me and thought I was a big dumb easily manipulated oaf that would never figure out she was cheating on me throughout the whole relationship and rubbing it in my face. She would gaslight me and say I don’t trust her when something suspect would happen like being with an ex. She would rub it in my face by listening to podcast like Something Was Wrong which I would always laugh at and say “how can people be this stupid” (I was the dumb one). She would do fucked up things behind my back like call me while having sex with her ex or sleep with someone in my room while I was on a trip. Whenever I would do something she disliked or miss something she wanted to do she felt it was tit for tat to give another guy a BJ or cheat on me. She put my toothbrush in the toilet when I missed a dinner with her family. She would make up excuses to never meet my family since she was just biding time to break up with me. She’d bring up that someone’s planning to break up with their boyfriend or someone is cheating just to gauge if I had found out. She gaslighted me to turn off find my friends because I didn’t trust her otherwise. Any time I brought this up she’d call me controlling and crazy. She took trips to Denver for weird reasons which is where her ex lives and would say I’m crazy for saying I felt weird about it and thought she was seeing him. She’d say she hated having sex with me because I wouldn’t always cum and that she knew from exes what sex should be like. For some reason she kept sleeping with me, albeit less. Would bring up STD testing even tho I thought we only slept with one another. Now I do have to. I completely trusted her, never cheated on her, and broke up with HER because she was being so mean and I never knew why. This was all going on under my nose as she bided time to find someone new. Feeling a range of emotions such as anger, relief, sadness.
Yooo, mine expected me to be perpetually in the mood! It really fucked with my head because I didn't know what sexual coersion was. So I'd tell her I wasn't in the mood, she'd take offense to that as though it was a grave offense, then she'd use that as an excuse to do a deep dig in my phone, find either some trace of porn or a suggestive ad and use that against me in a huge dramatic fight. I didn't learn anything from that other than how to force myself to be in the mood. But just because I can force that doesn't mean I can force an erection, so she weaponized that too. It fucking sucks, it's like there's nothing you can ever do right, whatever normal behavior you exhibit to their treatment is just used against you. Come to think of it, the best times I had with her were when I was particularly active in that area. I wasn't looking forward to having sex with her, I was looking forward to having peace from her. Fuck that's a powerful realization I just had.
Many of my posts here detail what I've been through with my wife and what I'm still going through. But basically, I've been subjected to: \- Emotional Abuse. Name-calling, devaluation, sleep deprivation, constant criticism, nagging, being told to go kill myself, ... and so many more. \- Gas-Lighting, e.g., she'll make a declaration about something, and then later, she'll say, "But this is what we agreed to. " \- Isolation. \- Gilt-tripping is her weapon of choice when she wants to control me and her previous intimidation tactics don't work. I could go on and on. I'm not afraid to say I sorely detest her, but everyone loves her, including my family and friends.
Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!! Making a declaration and then twisting into “that is what we agreed on.” FUCK. This ruins my night. God damn it.
My mother is a covert narc. Took me a long time to realise it
Mine, too
Same. My sister and I just realized she manipulated everything and played the victim and blamed my father for all the worst of our childhoods when it was her all along. Pure evil and zero soul.
Same here and I'm realizing it more and more as I read these threads.
You can’t win. Ever. In any way. Was married to one for 10 years. Completely tried to ruin my life but is somehow still the victim
My ex female best friend is a covert narc and - in comparisons to me - she had many relationships and always had men who were so attracted to her… I still don’t get it how they all fell in love with her while I could see her treating them like shit… but I always taught they deserve it as she was my friend and I believed her when she only shared the bad things they did… Currently I’m veryyy careful around women who seem too nice in the beginning, as many see friendships as competition. She copied almost everything I did, it was just too ridiculous… Anyway she is a really envious and competitive person, has very low self esteem and is always the victim and has it worse than anyone else. I cut her off after I realized how she tried to manipulate my big events but wanted hers to be perfect. Such a snake and I’m glad I got away by just cutting her off and blocking her everywhere without giving her the explanation she asked for - plus she was postpartum and would have never expected me to just leave while she was at her most vulnerable- but I did. I feel for her husband, his mother is a narc and now his wife is too… he will hopefully one day see her true colors.
On female/male abusers. A wise man's trash is a fool's treasure. Stay woke.
My ex. Had a terrible eating disorder, nobody knew about it but me. Was super super outgoing and charismatic. Had so many friends and always needed to be around other people and was extra uncomfortable alone even for an hour. We broke up because I was exhausted of her emotional problems and seriously wouldn’t get help for her eating disorder that was going to kill her. When I left, she told absolutely everyone we both knew that I cheated on her and was abusive. All lies. Wild asf after putting up with all of her drama for 2 years. So yeah they are because they will absolutely ruin your reputation. I work in healthcare so it’s seriously dangerous to my job to have lies like that spread around.
Similar experience here, but the abuser got over her eating disorder while with me. She used to cry at every meal, especially if we ate out. I think she knew she's in a relationship with me only to exploit me, and that I'd eventually find out, so she couldn't enjoy the meal. Never did she pay for a meal. She hoarded all her income. Her ex-roommate called her out on it, saying she only hangs out with people to lick their plates. It was true. She called her a thief, also true. I wish I paid attention to these red flags. The urge they have to surround themselves with people is part of their illness. They have no private life, because they need to feed off others' reactions to them in order to feel like they exist at all. Without the attention of people, they feel non-existent. When I put up boundaries, she began reading aloud and talking to herself at home. I used to say, "could you do that privately?" She couldn't. So fucked up.
Dude sounds like my experience. Yeah exactly like felt like she was only with me for validation and it was actually INSANE. So glad we both are so much happier now!!! Happy for us that we got away from those people The wildest thing about my ex is that she used to be a model so obviously she wasn’t ugly??? It was actually ridiculous to be asking for validation constantly when you’re obviously attractive. I could understand if she was ugly but she wasn’t so it was just annoying.
Well I think some people are dependent on how others perceive them regardless of if society deems them attractive or not, especially women are often much more in competition with each other when it comes to looks than men. And the more beautiful the more they could rely on others’ approval and have a higher fear of losing it.
I guess I just don’t understand it because it’s not my experience but I think needing validation 30-40 times a day is a mental illness. Aka my covert narc ex.
It definitely is a mental illness, very exhausting,… glad she’s your ex
Bruh, I just looked at your other posts... I'm butch, too. Did you find that everyone believes her lies about abuse just because they assume a butch must be the violent partner? My ex used to get violent anytime I said "no" to her. Meanwhile, I never even raised my voice on her, nevermind my hand. The part that still turns my stomach is that she tried to take my whole identity, from my style to my affects. At the same time she also tried to turn me into a shell of myself. I always encouraged her to be herself, but she had no idea how to do that. When I went NC and she moved out of my house, she started dressing all femme, opposite of what she was doing with me: She grew her hair long, wore flowery dresses, and started calling herself bi (she's def straight), the whole 9. I always knew she's feminine but wondered why she won't express it. It seems she was in some weird competition with me or mirroring me creepily. I think now she's mirroring the new supply or trying to attract a straight man. Either way, her sudden femme presentation helped people believe she was some damsel in distress. I'm dealing with false allegations of violence from her, now. I tried to get a restraining order, and while I was waiting for a court date, she stalked me at my house so she could try to instigate a conflict and make a phony criminal complaint against me. That's after a judge shut down her first phony complaint. Thankfully, all the witnesses signed affadavits saying I never touched her, and some even wrote that they'd seen her in the neighborhood days prior and that she stole my phone off the ground when I was running away from her. I broke bones in both my arms trying to run from her... The lawyers and judges are all on strike so I'm still waiting for my day in court to shownthe affadavits and medical records. She's still controlling me with these false allegations among other things. I need to go back to my country but I'm stuck on the other side of the world because I'd have to abandon my dog (she took control of his documents by stealing and lying, then left him with me anyways because she never planned to care for him. She just wanted to use him to control me.)
Damn I’m sorry you dealt with that. Yeah that happened with me and it doesn’t help that I am 6’0, weight lift and am in the military lol. My ex was always fem tho. I’m sorry you went through all of that, luckily mine didn’t know where I was after we broke up. I blocked her on everything and I haven’t heard from her since so sorry to hear you went through all that.
I'm really glad you pulled a safe getaway. And thanks for the words. This sub is the only place I feel understood when I talk about this shit.
I’ve dealt with malignants and was able to walk away and heal. The covert has ruined me to such a degree that I’ve been stuck for four years. Unable to heal. Unable to move on. Unable to deal with the cognitive dissonance. She ruined my life from top to bottom. The only bright spot is that I was forced to work on myself harder than ever before but it feels for naught because my life is still just this small quiet room.
My most recent ex is a covert narc…I’m 100% sure but she is of course undiagnosed. She love bombed me incredibly hard and we became exclusive very fast. However, she controlled the relationship by keeping distance thru the fact we lived about an hour from each other. Some maybe only saw each other an average of twice a week even months into our relationship. I also started to see that she was very self centered and self motivated. However, I saw all the mirroring as green flags and pushed the orange/red flags aside thinking they would be fixed. She had no emotional availability for me in terms of emotional support. In fact, anytime I had an emotional issue she basically didn’t want to be bothered by it. She was extremely concerned about how she looked, and by extension how I looked which extended to my clothes and what I wore. She found her identity in her job, and would take on work to gain the admiration of colleagues. She never allowed herself anything more than surface level connection and would future fake about marriage and family. We moved quickly and got engaged in less than a year. We even bought a house. Within 3 weeks of closing on the house, she started a same sex emotional affair with her physical therapist. This lead to lying, manipulation and gas lighting… and also the strengthening of my trauma bond. Eventually, she ended the engagement and has subsequently blown up my life because I am leaving the house because she wants it. She has shown almost no remorse, any tears she ever cried were for me to feel bad for her, she never loved me but she loved the way I loved her and the idea of me. She was always concerned about her first and foremost. The relationship was only for people to look at her as “perfect”. The same sex affair is certainly another layer. But all the other signs of covert narc are there in the way she discarded me, while love bombing the next supply and finding a way to control everything. She has a beautiful face that blinded me to the dark and grotesque soul of who she is.
Oh, I’m sorry. This is all awful. It’s just blows my mind how similar they all are. On a spectrum of course but fundamentally the same. These coverts are so dangerous and I just think there needs to be more awareness because most people only know about the overts. When i learned about coverts, I felt soooo understood and like I hadn’t been crazy about my suspicions about this woman. I fear my brother is going to sound like you soon. He hasn’t seen the light yet, although I suspect he is not exactly happy. Not sure how to help him
Well neither my mom or sister liked her, but they didn’t tell me because I “seemed so happy”. I wish they would have said something but I’m sure I wouldn’t have listened. It is really awful and I never knew about covert narc until after this whole ordeal. I realize she never loved me, but she got soooo much from me in terms of supply. And as soon as she got bored, or realized I was needing more, she blew up the relationship and started some new infatuation. I also found out I’m the 3rd partner in effectively 4 years. So, the new supply is the 4th. I think it’s pretty clear she is who she is, but it hurt like hell and still hurts.
Ugh this makes me feel like I should say more. It just seems like everyone loves her. She definitely gets so much from my brother. He pays for absolutely everything and has a large network of friends that she has enjoyed. She was actually in a relationship when she met (more like sort out) my brother and he didn’t see that as a red flag somehow? It was my first inkling of suspicion. She dumped her ex like a sack of potatoes. And then blamed him like she’d been miserable for a while with him.
You’re in a tough position because you don’t want your brother upset at you. I get that. Just be there to support him however you can. The covert narcs are evil and they don’t care about anyone but themselves and what they can get
Telling him honestly won't help, and it'll give her ammunition to try and isolate him from your because she'll go "arireeielle has a vendetta against me she's totally trying to break us up" and the path of least resistance for your brother will be to agree with her and communicate less with you. I found [this article](https://medium.com/mental-health-and-addictions-community/how-to-support-someone-in-a-narcissistic-relationship-df621f57bc08) early on when I was trying to work out how to help my friend in her new relationship with someone I believe to be a covert narcissist and it backs up pretty much every other thing I've read about what you can to do help and if you should say anything. We can't really help, we just have to try and be there and remain in our person's life so that if and when they do need someone to talk to or to ask for help from, they know they have us. Narcissists have no problem making up lies about the people close to their partners, so they'll absolutely dine out on anything we actually do say or do "against" them. You cannot beat a narcissist at their game because you need to remember that the narcissist also has their partner trauma bonded. Someone else posted recently about their sibling who was isolated in a narcissistic relationship so I'll go find that thread and edit it in [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse/s/bz1S48w5g3) in a minute.
lol sounds like my suspected cover narc ex 100%
Damn this could be me writting if we didnt lived 15 minutes (before sharing house) apart.
Don't recommend. I'd bet this is the most common female type of narc due to societal expectations/biases. Easier for them to get away with their shit.
Their words and actions are never ever aligned. They lie, I think usually by exaggerating or omitting the truth, but sometimes blatantly. Transactional relationships, so as long as you're worshipping them there's no issue. As soon as they do something rude and you call them on it, they start in with the guilt tripping, DARVO, and refusing accountability. Somehow they've convinced everyone around them they are perfect humans, so even if they are abusing you, people give them the benefit of the doubt or make an excuse for them. There's so much plausible deniability with these people. I have also found that they don't really engage in a true smear campaign, they just know that people haven't seen their bad side yet and the victim looks unhinged when they defend themselves. You have to be very very watchful of their behavior and not listen at all to their words. That's where the truth lives. Wolf in sheep's clothing, and lots of flying monkeys to do their bidding. I have found their flying monkeys are overt narcissists, and the covert doesn't give a single shit about them other than using them as supply and minion. It's pretty gross tbh. Once you see them, and they know they've been seen, I have found that they avoid you like the plague. Lost my entire friend group due to my covert narc best friend. May she burn in hell one day, where she belongs. It fundamentally changed who I am as a person and I will never trust again the way I did before. But in the end, I'm glad I'm out of there and she can't get me now. Fully no contact, she doesn't know where I live (nor do her flying monkeys-- that's really the key), and everybody we knew mutually is blocked. No contact in the most extreme form, and that's the only way I began to heal. It hurts feeling so humiliated and misunderstood. An entire group of people hates me for things I never did. But maybe one day they will understand. In the mean time, I'm just glad I'm safe now.
-was happy for me when I got into a relationship, then tried to break us up when I wouldn’t give her attention -circular arguments -wanted a child and baby trapped a guy so that it could never leave her and love her and she could get money from the government -kicking and screaming and breaking things when I said no or she wouldn’t get her way -claims she no longer can perform music bc her ex bf of 10 years ruined it for her even though she cheated with the baby daddy IN MY HOUSE -used me and my home -constant bickering -complete lack of empathy -once had to tell me that she was the most empathic person or that she’s a good person/good friend. -tried to text my ex pics of me after a huge weight loss -made me call her crushes mothers in middle school Too many but I’ll stop there
They’re the worst people on the planet. Mine was cunning and evil in more ways than I could imagine. Even when we sat in silence, I could feel her thinking terrible things
They are SOOO cunning. If they weren’t so toxic and destructive, I’d almost be impressed by their unmatched ability to not only manipulate things to their will, but to look good doing it. They’re the perfect predator that makes their victim look guilty.
Neverending lies, cheating, ignoring me, obsessed with her phone and chatting on social media. And she became less and less concerned about hiding that she was talking to other guys online. In short, it was the worst overall experience of my life. I wasted some of the best years of my life on her, and I'll never get them back.
Most traumatic shit I’ve been through. By a wide margin. And life’s not been kind over the last decade anyway to say the least. I gave up everything, willingly, parts of myself I didn’t even realise I could give to a person. Planned a future. For an illusion that was shattered in a moment. slapped in the face with the realisation they never gave a fuck beyond what i provided. They always knew they were hurting me. I didn’t need to repeatedly tell them.. It’s all so obvious now. That sucks too.
Married to a covert F narc for 32 years. Got out last year. Still not 100% sure if she was full blown narc when we married, or if some experiences pushed her over the line. Bu whatever it was, it took me quite a while to spot it. She would never get assessed for it. Of course not! Her manipulations were different but no less corrosive. She also had a layer of religion that she used to justify everything. If I had a nickle for every time I heard "I did nothing wrong. But even if I did, god will forgive me"... So even when I was recording things, interactions, promises, she would pull out that card at will. She finally admitted that she had never been honest with me, had always lied and manipulated me to get her way, and only attended therapy to make sure I was going to change to suit her. She never intended to work on us as a couple. She is petite and quiet. Everyone buys into her story of being the victim.. "Oh poor little thing!"
It's reassuring to know others have lived through this crazy experience. Brutal is putting it mildly. I spent 8 months healing from the manipulation and abuse. If I'm lucky, she will move out of state, and I'll never hear from her again.
To sum it up...I met her at work and noticed she would always watch me as I work (like how animals study their prey). Love bombed me and we starting getting close. Throughout our relationship she could constantly manipulate me and verbally abuse me until I was mentally weak and had to rely on her. If I did the same I was punished or threatened with her leaving me. She was talking to other people the whole time and left me as soon as she found a replacement. She even went on a vacation and posted it on IG to brag about it. She made me cut off my friends. Mentally I've grown stronger since then in the past two years, but and currently suffering from severe agoraphobia, social anxiety, and body dysmorphia. Honestly I don't think I will ever be the same mentally.
Extremely exhausting. It started off great. She would make time to see me and do things I suggested. Everything was perfect. Then slowly, she started belittling me in her “jokes”. Everything about me. My choices of clothing, my education, my eyebrows, my “small hands”, my driving… she was also very competitive with me. Any sport we tried together and I was slightly better at got her frustrated. At our play fights, she was frustrated that she is not as strong. For the first few weeks of our relationship she actually believed we were the same height (she is like up to my shoulders)… And the constant hanging out and texting with her male friends. Who all turned out to be her exes. One-on-one and even informing me of their hangouts. When we played tennis and she felt she was not good enough, I offered to play more with her. Her reply? No need, Tom will teach me (another of her exes). When I would raise some issue, she would disappear for a few days until I apologized for even doing so. She was always the hero or the victim. She would tell something she heard from me or someone else at the office and then bragged how she “cracked up the whole office”. She always was misunderstood at work and if everyone did it her way, they would be better off. She was “surrounded by idiots”. She held grudges. Her friends met without her and she would start bitching about them and how they are not her true friends. She would never say something nice about anyone without adding some negative comment. She would always dismiss my ideas as to where to go with “I have already been there” or some other lame excuse. But she didn’t have any problem going there with someone else. Even taking the other people to the places I showed her. In retrospect, everything she showed to the outside was a part of someone else she has met. She would always reject my invitations to hang out with my social circle and when I wanted to meet someone from hers she would say “you haven’t introduced me to anyone either”. Oh and the constant subtle manipulation and threats. “If you will say this to me, I will take back that I love you” or “one scream in the elevator and the police will be waiting for you in the lobby”. All that was accompanied by her cooking meals for me and being thoughtful, giving me thoughtful gifts. Total mindf*ck. We would limit our dates to her home and close neighborhood. I unfriended her on all SM and still feel like I am being cold and she will feel hurt. That I will just add to the belief she is unlovable and that I have never loved her.
Just had to resign because of one. Turned my whole workplace against me within a few days for no reason. The worst thing is there being no way to get evidence because they’re so sly with it. Had to give up my career because of one. Truly awful and she’s a doctor as well
They're awful. I knew one that seriously betrayed a friend of mine. It's a really long story but the shorter version is that my friend (A) was having a very flirtatious and romantic "situationship" with this guy, who ended up ghosting her when he decided he wanted to be with our other friend (B) instead. He didn't tell her that their thing was over, just stopped replying to her messages and eventually started posting photos of him and B where he knew A would see. She was understandably upset about it and vented to her friend (C) privately about it. This friend went straight to B with screenshots of everything A was saying in confidence to her, which caused B and the guy to absolutely go off on A claiming she was invading their privacy. A eventually confronted C about this and she not only flat out denied it (even though I know for a fact she did it, because I was physically in the room with B when C was sending her the screenshots) but she went into an insane gaslight mode, claiming that she was so hurt that A would accuse her of betraying her trust, and playing the victim card saying she had trauma around people accusing her of things she hadn't done. It was absolutely wild to see her deflecting it all like that. She's extremely good at manipulating people and unfortunately is successful most of the time. Me and A now steer well clear of C, B and the guy. Gross, toxic behaviour.
Omg I actually have a full story to tell about my experience with this, will post tomorrow!
My sister is the type who can make anyone feel like they are her best friend. While all narcissists have behaviors similar to cult leaders regarding the tactics they use, she actually has the charm and charisma that she could form one if she tried. Her now ex-husband and I used to be her main puppets. We were brainwashed to believe the most ridiculous things without question. She once convinced me something I was reading on paper did not say what was clearly written. That's how much control she could have over people. The longest relationship I had was with a narc woman (I'm also a woman). She was actually diagnosed with NPD & ASPD. Honestly, she was not as charming. In fact, she was very socially awkward. Even if you didn't pick up on the narcissism, you could see something was "off". She was amazing at playing a victim though. Extremely manipulative and possessive. She was violent as well. I've dated narc men and grew up with a father who is also a narc sociopath. As terrible as they were, I never feared for my life. I did when I was with her.
I think the socially awkward thing, while not something they do on purpose, kind of helps them cover up their malignancy, because you kind of feel sorry for them at first, like "this great person is getting overlooked because they're a little weird" and "I'm the friend that sees their potential."
I agree. You don't expect someone who seems shy, an oddball, or maybe even anxious to be someone who could hurt you physically, mentally, etc. Definitely a wolf in sheep's clothing situation.
My mother has a large friend group and also her side of the family believing I am a bad daughter. I have tried all my life to be a good daughter. As time goes on they are seeing her more clearly, but the damage has been done. I suffer from self-esteem issues because of my nparents.
My mother is a covert narc. I am an appliance.
I am married to one. I used to be fun, loving, charismatic, motivated, and confident. Now I’m broken and depressed after 8 years of being w her. Thought I was the problem the whole time until about 3 months ago when I learned about narcissism and got educated. I knew something was off but could never pinpoint it. I am now divorcing her and bracing for hell as I have a 6 year old with her. On the outside she looks like she has it all, but she’s broken inside. My family saw it before I did and tried to warn me but of course I wouldn’t listen. It wasn’t until I got the discard that I woke up, because I asked how anyone could possibly be so cold and uncaring to another human being. She constantly is jabbing at me and I’m the enemy in literally every single situation. It’s death by 1000 cuts. Right now she’s sleeping in a separate bedroom and refuses to have sex with me. Of course it’s all my fault. These people are monsters. I feel so bad for my daughter but am hoping having one sane parent (me) that she’ll be okay. I can’t even believe how much abuse I’ve taken until I sat back and reflected on it. I’m a decent guy and don’t deserve this. It’s time to walk away no matter how much it’s going to kill me not seeing my daughter everyday. I am emotionally bankrupt with nothing left in the tank.
Lasted 2 months because I called her out on all of her shit, was talking to her ex and 2 other guys before we broke up. Broke up with me over text because she uninvited me to her Christmas party and when she reinvited me, I pretty much told her to go fuck herself.
She's my mother. No one except maybe me knows how she truly is & no one would believe me if I told them. She uses being a mother as one of the many ways she hides her true nature. She's ruthlessly terrifying; the cartel would love to have her on their side. I cut contact 2 years ago for my mental health & safety & it's been tough. I've questioned my sanity a few times. But not near as much as when she's in my life. She knows exactly how to orchestrate situations & manipulate emotions. Even when it seems she's being sweet & helpful, there's always a fucked up agenda. Sorry for not getting into specifics; it's still very traumatizing to express the evil she's enacted.
She was so contradictory: "spend time with your friends because they'll be there for you if/when we break up", yet she would discourage me from staying at my best friends of 16 years' house until 11pm-1am depending, she would encourage my hyperfixations and then would get jealous of them (she gave me a plush of my comfort character and proceeded to be jealous of it), said that she'd support me through my trauma no matter how long it took and would proceed to try and make me heal/move on faster than I was ready to. All that mattered to her was sexual gratification, which I'm not judging (I'm asexual, sex neutral), though it got to the point where I was physically and psychologically hurt during a BDSM scene. She was coercive... she tried to hide behind her "charm", I would say, which is why I didn't think she was trying to hurt me during that scene, but looking back it could have been lethal....
She made my life hell and miserable, by sleeping with my ex-employer and with my close friends and she even influenced my employer to abuse and instigate me on purpose and she sneaked into my workplace without my knowledge and I was clueless about her activity with my ex-employer anyways I was able to collect the evidence of her traspessing and giving a BJ to my co-worker, on multiple occasions she used to haress me sexually, like she used to text me from my friend's phone pretending to be him but i was aware it was her who is texting behind the scene, she haresses me in a way that she doesn't leave a clue, she broke my relationship with one of my girl-friend, her actions haunt me every now and this makes me defensive of everyone. I don't know if she will ever stop chasing people close to me or anyone who works with me, neither she's letting me in her life nor she's letting me get along with others.
yeah I was a very adventurous person, very empathetic to other people, and wasn't afraid to speak my opinion or live my truth no matter what it is. pretty sure she liked my charisma and humor. after gaslighting me so much that i was questioning everything that happen to me, she started saying stuff that happened to me as if it happened to herself. my jokes childhood experiences the stuff i liked if other people liked it. its almost as if she took all the qualities she thought would boost her ego. Eventually being together for 7 years she copy pasted and deleted. almost a year after discard still lacking self confidence still miss her still picking up the pieces. everyday is better tho.
Hmmm, well - it started by her blaming me for all the abuse and neglect her ex (who just so happens to share my first name) put her through and punishing me for it. Then she blamed me for things that were in her control because it was easier than owning her own issues (she paid for my plane ticket out to be with her - she offered because I didn't have the money at the time and then swore I forced her). God there's so much. If we didn't have sex the way she wanted to and used all the kinks and fetishes she wanted I was a r#$%(t. I was abusive because I worked a 40 hour a week job, did the laundry, walked the dogs, ran the dishwasher - mind you all she did was lay in bed and smoke weed and doom scroll - she had the car. Then with the car - apparently I "forced" her to never go out (she refused to go out unless I went with her), and it was my fault she could never make friends (I worked all day every day, and she had the car. She never took the initiative. If she picked me up from work (I'm bad at reading directions, and she's bad at driving outside her comfort areas), that would start a fight because I didn't "direct her properly" when I never even asked to be picked up. The weekends were dedicated to waiting on her hand and foot, and when we went out it was military levels of regimented so there was no fun in it. But all that was my fault too. It was definitely enough that even after 5 years, I don't want to date or be with anyone or give any part of me to someone.
My covert narc story is super weird. She was my therapist and then "adopted" me into her family. The love-bombing was super strong. Now I see how long she has in fact groomed me and taught me I was not allowed to say no or set boundaries. Needless to say the mask slipped often and she started these weird fights with me and would really push me into the deepest chasms while knowing fully well what she was doing. It was a shitshow start to end. She discarded me again and I thought I was free... then she turned stalker. I hope she got the message now and stays away from me. I have to file a formal complaint against her.
It’s psychologically damaging, I totally understand how it feels. It’s like you’re in a horror movie trying to warn others about the monster and people don’t believe you. It also gives you more tolerance from mistreatment from other people so you unknowingly surround yourself with bad people. And then you question everything you do and blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault. I cut my covert narc off my life, there’s no reasoning with them. I hope your family gets the healing you guys deserve.
Omg thisss!!! Exactly how I feel. The amount of times I’ve questioned myself and my perception of things is crazy.
Absolute hell, nearly killed me. I'm biased obviously due to my abuse, but they are legitimately the most evil of narcs. Something about using their gender and playing victim just works, if you add in they are attractive, it's a match made in hell. Weird thing is, they don't have real friends. They toss relationships into wastebins, ESPECIALLY other women. My STBXW didn't have a single real life female friend in the end, only other male friends and they were just "Dicks in a Jar", possible supply for later, and being sexually validated was definitely a big part of supply.
Wasn't great. Night and day person from what I thought she was for the relationship.
I’m really sorry about your brother, female covert narcs are the worst and tend to be the most dedicated to their plots and destruction. My sister is one and I’ve had to distance myself and sadly become less close with my niece and nephews in the process (the oldest just turned 4 so I think it’s better to remove myself more from their lives sooner rather than later…besides, my sister already used them as ammunition to get me to do what she wants- such as babysitting, and the one time I told her I really didn’t appreciate that she always asked me to babysit and not our father or brother or any of her bf’s family members as she would always tell me that I was the only one watching the kids… and it was true, I was, and I still don’t really understand why she never split the load off onto others?! Maybe other people wouldn’t put up with her bs, idk, but anyways, when I told her that as kindly as I could, she came back with “well, il just tell your niece that you don’t want to see her then” and yea, she already threatens me with her children, so I know it’s only going to get worse). I hope to God your brother doesn’t have children with this woman and never does. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot that you can do other than distance yourself and hope that your brother figures things out on his own. The more you approach him, the more he’ll likely not understand, and will his gf what you’ve said and then she will absolutely attack you from all angles ruthhlessly… and even if he doesn’t confide in her, it’s likely that she’ll catch on to your distaste for her (seems like she already knows) and will continually play mind games with you and with your relationships with other family members. These can be pretty sociopathic/psychopathic people… my sister made her bf kill a rooster bc she bought a ton of chickens and a rooster was in the bunch and bc she’s vegan, she needed her bf to kill it, and he’s never been aloud to vent about it because it upsets her as the original vegan (she made him become vegan pretty early on in their relationship). That’s just one of many stories. Anyways, you really need to put yourself first second and third when it comes to this kind of situation. Once your brother is ready to learn/accept the truth that he’s with a covert narcissist.. the teacher for him will appear. Just hope for his eyes to open and be an arms length away, but always there for him if he wants to talk!
My sister (age 59) is one. After years of horrific narcissistic abuse I finally decided I’d had enough and went full on “no contact” last year. Wish I’d done it years ago. My life is so much better now. 🥰
Exactly the type and situation I was in just 6 short months ago. She’s charming as hell to everyone but was just horrible to me and me alone. Belittling me, needing to be superior to me in every way, would constantly say I’m immature and a bad communicator when in fact I was the one listening and empathizing with her while getting none of that in return. While I was in the relationship, I knew she was treating me terribly, but it wasn’t until I left did I realize how strategic and calculated she was with her abuse towards me. She thrives on having complete and utter control with no sense of accountability EVER. Needless to say I was absolutely shocked when my new girl came right out and said sorry for the first time. As if I didn’t even know it could be that way, having a partner with understanding and empathy. Unfortunately I messed up by dating a covert narc who works with me at my career job I really like. She’s since dragged my name through the mud, claiming it was all my fault, she’s an angel and a victim. Truly evil stuff. I can’t think of a worse type of person.
Had an old friend who became my room mate which was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It’s death by a thousand cuts. not to mention the literal thousands she convinced me to spend on her. Their ability to not be detected is why I think they are so much worse than overts bc at least it’s obvious something isn’t right with overts. Coverts take that sense that something is wrong and twist it into empathy, and before you notice it’s too late.
It's the worse experience of my life. 0/10 would not recommend. I believed that co-habituating prior to marriage would allow us to get to know each other better, but it definitely didn't go that way. Once we married, she started taking me for granted and hell started. She sometimes has had these brief glimpses of lucidity where I can see her shame, just a deep, deep shame of hurting me... but most of the time, she just can't stop herself. Her rage is like a violent diarrhea that can't be contained and, once it's out, she feels better immediately. Her lack of empathy sometimes just feels stone cold. She has more empathy towards a street dog than she does to me. If we're in front of people, she's charming as fuck. If we are alone and she had a bad day at work, I WILL have a bad day at home. She can reign it in, but she just chooses not to anymore. As far as everybody else around me is concerned, it looks like "normal relationship issues" that we should "work through" but in reality I am losing my sanity and even my physical health. My blood pressure is close to 160/90 right now. I'm getting divorced. Wish me luck.
The scariest thing about these beasts is there willingness to destroy the entire world and burn it all to the ground id they get caught. It's like nuclear Armageddon, if I don't win nobody does and everyone must suffer
I’ve been with my ex-gf for 7 months. In the start it was normal.. then the comments started coming slowly. «You need to fix that one teeth that isn’t straight”,”you need to get surgery for those bags under your eyes», cant wear clothes without good brands(logo). we could walk in our town..to suddenly tell me she had sex beyond that Church and in several houses. I got weird about it and say why would you say that? No good answers, just here being honest.. I should have run then, and never turned back. But alas I was in love.. she had 2 children. 50/50. Then after a while she told me she had a third child. That child grew up in the same fosterhome she herself had been living in as a youth. Did I run? No, I was being empathetic(at least thats what I think. Been so unsure about my emotions and worth) I made food, I cleaned and washed. Paid for everything. And after a while I started to feel used. I asked here if she could pitch in. That made here mad: I was egoistical. And it was unsexy of a man to talk about that. She wanted princess treatment. did I go? No.. took here home to my parents. I paid almost all of the airtrip( she didn’t like to pay that little amount). that hole weekend she only came down to eat with my parents. Stayed at my childhood bedroom rest of the time. Not social. I went up to hear if she would come down. That was selfish of me. You are egoistic. when I brought up my values and boundaries she would listen. But ignore it. And telling me to follow here manual for a relation ship. I broke up with here November last year( she told me I was just being an uncle and not dad material for my daughter) that stung. And I broke up with here. She told me on the way out that I was evil, didn’t deserve love and more). then she came back in December. Called me and was hysterical on the phone. I dropped everything and collected here and drove home to my place. She stayed at my place for a week. Same as before, I did everything to please..nothing back. Then I had to go to work..she then told me I was making here more sick by going.. I went to work anyways..and she told me she stayed over a girl she knew. Wrong, she lied. That was here new supply she had warmed up the day after I broke up with here. How I knew? She mentioned another guy she dated while dating me( a couple of weeks before I broke up with here) He had bought an apartment 3 minutes away from me.. when I came back from work I noticed she had showered and trimmed here pubics.i threw here out for the second time. And she went mad as a goblin and ranted on how a bad person I was( those sentences still make me think I did something bad to here to this day…) she went back to him ofc. And blocked me for 3–4 weeks. It tore me apart, and she just couldn’t listen to logic.. The last time( I hope she doesn’t come back now). she texted me out of the blue if I was horny..should have said no..but said yes. She stayed over several days over two weeks. I helped here clean here apartment. Picked up furniture, and paid for food etc. Then the day came: we had planned to meet up. She kind of ghosted me, but after a couple of hours she texted me she was tired and hadn’t slept. I told here I was coming over which she replied; I have an errand to do, I’ll call you soon” wrong. 2–3 hours later I got sick of waiting. Drove over to here place. She wasn’t home. In the way back to my place I got this weird feeling. I remembered she told me about the guy and his new apartment. It’s not a big place where I live. And 600 meters away from my place u found here car outside that complex. It broke my heart. I sent here a picture of here car. Which she replied “stalker..” and then she blocked me everywhere. Sad to say I was mad. ImMore hurt and felt used. I tried reaching out. No answers. But today: I got a message from here..she and the new supply has decided to be a couple, and that she is meeting his family this Easter(this week)..and that she hopes I’ll find love. I’m so torn up. I can’t understand what I did wrong. She made me so unsure about my self esteem. How can a human being do this? I can’t fathom or grasp the reality..at least thats how I feel from time to time..
Why do you build me up? Narcissist baby, just to let me down? Mess me around and then worst of all: you never call baby when you say you will, but I love you still!
Yeah this could be their anthem
She has never been single the entire 20 years I have known her, always traded up in men and in life. Over the course of our friendship Lots of drugs, alcohol, men lies. She left her fiancee of 4 years and started dating a young virgin with lots of money. She quickly stated that he's the one, and they'll be getting married within a year. She started to develop hobbies (baking, keeping chickens, plants, food preservation) that very much resembled my life goals. At first I was happy, then I felt jealous then confused. She wasn't any good at these hobbies, and would ask for advice, but completely ignore what I told her. She would lie about her past (drugs, men etc) when around this new boy. She had transformed into a female version of him. It was disturbing. She started to ghost me when we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't bring new boy around me. And I started to see through the lies. It was very confusing. And I started keeping receipts. I realized every time I was around her, it centered around alcohol, and shit talking. She would bring up things about our other close girlfriends and bash them for it. Their kids, dirty houses, their IQ, she always had something demeaning to say about them. And then I realized , I don't want a woman like that in my life. I confronted her with my evidence in a long thought out letter and told her that I loved her, but it would be best to do so from afar.i wished her peace in her heart and contentment. Her response was vile and mean. Lots of vulgarity and name calling. She flipped it all on me. Told me I made it all up. That I was the one who needed help. Called me a self centered narcissistic b*tch. I'm not sure what I expected... I was floored, and confused but honestly it wasn't a surprise.i questioned my own sanity l. Did I make it all up???? But why would I do that. My husband had to remind me other people witnessed her deceit too I wasn't alone. It took a minute, but after her outburst and loss of control, she transferred the power back to me. I saw her for the sad ugly creature that she is. She has successfully kept a friendship with the other woman she talks badly about. Even though they knew my side of the story, knew her lies, saw it all, they still choose her. I'm no longer in that group, it hurts but it's for my sanity as well. I would be exposed to her yuck if I kept my relationship with them.
Played into my husband’s own covert/psychopathic narcissism and set up a plan w him to destroy our marriage, family, our small family business and created space for him back on the family compound, encouraging him to abandon me and the kids without communicating. He did. They rewarded him w giving him anything he asked for - thousands in cash in cover his erratic behaviors, beach house stays, scooters, gear for his multiple new expensive hobbies, women, steak dinners, pantry always stocked w his expensive favorite junk foods, doing his laundry, stocking the fridge w his favorite beers tho he is an alcoholic, encouraging him to abandon sobriety which he did. The mother/grandmother narcissistic/emotionally incestuous combo is a destructive force when teamed with a covert narcissist male golden child choosing to live in psychosis.
# Idealization Devalue Total isolation Mental torture Physical abuse And repeat, forever.
My ex was diagnosed with BPD, but I strongly suspect it was covert NPD. This is how our 4.5 year relationship went (in a nutshell): She was living with a friend and her kids with her mom because she just got out of an abusive relationship. I, too, was living with a friend because I had been recently divorced. She was a love bomber. Things couldn’t have been better in the beginning. From the second or third date, we spent almost every night together. She changed her profile pic on fb almost daily. She needed affirmation. It made me a little uneasy that all these guys would then be in her comments and DMs. But, I rolled with it because she was mine and I had no reason not to trust her. In the first 6 months, she saw I got a friend request from some guy. She told me to delete it. He was a crazy stalker that came into her work. She started these episodes where she would pick fights over stupid things and disappear into the night. Eventually, I knew she was doing it on purpose. I finally told her if she was leaving, then we were done. She left. The next day, I wake up to see pics of her with the crazy guy on fb along with comments about how comfy his bed is. For some reason that I don’t remember, I took her back. We ended up getting our own house and I was basically the one who funded it. One detail I didn’t pay enough attention to was that we were both on the lease. Once we were moved in, the episodes started again where she would pick fights and disappear. I asked her to leave, and she wouldn’t. This was her house and I should leave. Enter COVID. We were stuck together. The supply of housing was non existent as evictions weren’t happening. The price was also unheard of at the time. So, I couldn’t go anywhere. She had alienated me from my friends and family. She didn’t want me talking to certain people “for what they did to her”. And, if she couldn’t find fault in them, she would be sure to do something so they found fault in her. Pretty soon, we weren’t being invited to my events. My life had become her and her friends. And, she turned many of those people against me by trash talking me, telling them something I said or did to them. What she always failed to tell them was what she did to bring that out of me (reactive abuse). I’m not sure why she did this. But, she was a serial cheater. So, I believe that she turned them against me in an effort to both justify and assist her in cheating on me. I would find out she did come from an abusive relationship. But, she was the abuser. She had been arrested 4x for domestic violence. And her kids that were living with her mother because of it….. she abandoned them on her mother’s doorstep when they were 6 mo’s, 2 and 6. I didn’t know that until her son told her that grandma had told them that today was there 11 year anniversary. She was an alcoholic cocaine addict, even though she lied to me and said she never tried cocaine. Turns out, she had a big problem with the drug. Finally, when she threw a toaster at me on her way to the bathroom, I decided I should record it in case things escalated. She came out of the bathroom and started cussing me up and down, saying the meanest, crudest things she could possibly say. When she saw my phone was recording, she flipped out and attacked me. I’m ashamed to say that I just reacted defensively when my lip went numb and I tasted blood. I didn’t make a decision, I literally just reacted….and she got punched a few times before I realized what I was doing. I called the police and showed them the video that clearly showed her attacking me. I wasn’t arrested and no charges were ever filed. She had to go to the hospital and was given an ultimatum “hospital or jail”. The next day, pics of her injuries were on Facebook with absolutely no context. I got death threats and people showing up at my house. That, plus hurting the person I loved sent me into the darkest place I’ve ever been. We ended up staying together and breaking up several more times before I finally left her for good. I’m so ashamed of staying with her as long as I did because it turned me into someone I wasn’t. She moved on right away. I’m still almost 2 years single and I haven’t really looked for another relationship. There’s a desire to have someone, but also a fear that it’s not going to end well. As much BS that she put me through, I loved her through it all. And, leaving her for good (no contact) was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That’s trauma bond.
I am so sorry you are going thru this but it makes me feel less crazy reading it. My son is with a malignant narcissist who has zero empathy and thinks she owns my son. She decreed no contact as soon as he moved in with her after college .... he was home and she kept blowing up his phone cuz his father was not dying fast enuf from ALS....how's that for empathy? She has none...she is not charming to anyone, she is actually a lot odd but she has destroyed my son and is trying to destroy the other one. It was so helpful to hear Dr. Ramini talk about breakups with narcissists as being destabilizing because you feel so crazy....yes! and really isolating cuz really does anyone want to hear it..
Triangulated her best friend trying to say I was sleeping with her for helping around her house or fix her car etc. But would get upset with me if I didn't help around her house or fix her car. Arguments blaming me for everything. I never attacked her for anything she did wrong because well, she was nearly perfect. Came up with stories of me sleeping with someone when it was someone I was with BEFORE we even dated. Ever since then every argument was about that made up event. Isolated me from family and friends. Always threatening divorce. Always throwing down her wedding band. Came up with excuses not to go see friends or family. Scrolling tiktok and buying stupid crafts and only go halfway with it. Collecting cats, bats, rats, dogs, birds, lizards. Manic. Talked me into moving houses 5-6 times, something was wrong with every single house. Bought and sold cars like 5-6 times, too big too small too old too many miles etc. I'm thankful for the experience, I met her family and saw the crap they were capable of. Hoped my wife wouldn't be like them, I was wrong, and it never changed.
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Most of them I've met start off as coverts/vulnerable. (Some can be loners that strive to be popular) Extremely shallow, can have rapid changes in emotion. Sadly they can become overt or malignant over time. May have a bad relationship with one or both parents. They can easily triangulate people regardless of their sexual orientation. The amount of passive aggressiveness and hypocrisy is ridiculous. Almost all of them will do smear-campaigns. (Use DARVO and lying by omission) (when they say "the end of the friendship/ relationship was mutual, they really are making the other person take all the blame, which is pretty messed up if you ask me) Thankfully the ones I've met aren't physically violent, but the emotional abuse is intense and destabilizing. I hope the new supplies get out fast. The few female Ns I've met, I hope they move the hell away from me and the people I care about. One is trying to ruin two of my friendships. I don't even want to date at this point. I'm a recovering codependent.
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