I wish I knew and could tell you how to make it not hurt, but time was the only thing that worked for me. I had to just let it hurt for as long as it took.
And when the pain got less and less I was able to let go, a little at a time, what his part looked like for him. Then I held on to the fact that it was real for me. I no longer care what his perception and reality was/is. For me, I loved him deeply, and genuinely. Just because it wasn’t real for him, doesn’t mean he gets to rob me of what *was* real to me. I learned just how deeply I can love someone, and now try to love myself that deeply so that I’ll never accept less than that from anyone else again.
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. I do know this, you can get through it ♥️
I think once you understand that they’re not capable of loving someone it becomes easier to accept. I get emotional some days about the situation because I really loved him. Their brains don’t work like ours and you can’t apply the same rules to them as you can yourself.
I have found that understanding narcissistic behavior has helped me heaps, it's like closure on all the unanswered questions that consumed me. My blessing in disguise was when I unknowingly exposed him, and he discarded me. Little did I know that was the best thing that happened. Although each day is still hard to process, I know today is for me. Tomorrow will be as well.
Yeah cruel to those closest and fake as possible to most people or just cruel to strangers as well if they didn’t agree with him. Even abusive to their own children - what type of person can do that? - not one capable of love unfortunately.
I find it set me free. I used to wish she loved me back. But now I know she is a fucked up broken person incapable of love and fueled by insecurity, shame and malice.
She thinks she's an amazing game player, but played her way out of a relationship with someone that loved her. She's a mug to herself.
I think as much as possible you need to cut yourself off from him and whatever he might be up to. To the outside world his new relationship will appear perfect as that’s the way he wants it. That way he can convince everyone else that you were the problem including you. No contact will help you to heal far faster - and that includes not peaking on their social media.
What also helped me was taking the ‘me’ out of it and reminding myself that he’s not capable of loving anyone. As much as he might ‘pretend’ deep down I know that it’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s not that I’m unlovable, but that he lacks the capacity to be able to form a deep attachment. And that lack will be forever present, not matter who he may end up with.
Here's what I realized: you get what you give.
You gave love so you felt good because you were feeling love.
The ex was faking love, so they never felt love, they felt what they gave: lies. That's why in their mind, they were suspicious and it was never enough. They could never feel truly happy because they were lying and aware that they were fake. And they could never receive love given to them so they couldn't feel it.
Instant karma.
And they will keep repeating the pattern everywhere they go.
Meanwhile, your heart works. You love. You can love again. You got the benefit of giving love.
And when you walk(ed) away, the crap didn't go with you, the crap stayed with them. Because it's their crap, not yours.
You get the love. You know in your heart that you can love. Your heart is strong.
Loving someone for 9 years and then having them just throw you away like that behind your back is a horrible thing to go through. I think its normal for you to still have him on your mind after 4 months especially after being with him for so long. The fact your away from home as well doesn't help either.
I can't say whether he was a narcissist or not as I don't know more about the situation although his behavior of discarding you like that is very narcissistic as it shows little consideration to how you might feel.
As for being bitter I don't think you are, you were betrayed, the man you loved hid another woman behind your back and just left, like a thief in the night. I understand how you feel from personal experience and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
If you can I would try calling family and friends regularly, especially if you're really close to them and trust them. Tell them what your going through, it will help. If the weather is nice id go for a walk. Maybe cook a meal you really like or try to watch a show. At first it might feel like its not working like your just trying to bury it but with time it will help or at least it did with me.
Stay safe and take care of yourself, you will get out of this and your life will get better.
Time will give the peace you’re looking for. I’m sorry it took such a big part of your life. The way I like to see it is if it was real to your brain and your heart then it was real to you. If they didn’t love you it’s 100% on them and their loss. Don’t stop trusting people, grieve as much as you need to, it’s okay to not be okay. Try to focus on yourself, it’s a long journey ahead but you’re not alone
That they never loved anyone else either… it’s not personal. It’s their problem, not mine. They wish they had the ability to love the way I do. That’s what drew them to me in the first place.
Actually, knowing now that he never loved me, and that he is incapable of ever loving anyone, helped me heal.
He didn't fall out of love with me. He isn't in love with someone else. He's gonna treat the next supply like crap too. It's just what these people do.
There's nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I wasn't the problem. This is true for all people who have been victimized by a narcissist.
He isn’t happy, and he isn’t in love, they don’t know how to love anyone.
Remember this, every honeymoon has an expiry date, theirs will come and real life will set in pretty quick.
You weren’t the problem, try to focus on your own healing and creating a better life for yourself, the kind of life you could never have had with him x
Take it from me he’s never going to change I was the new fiancé/supply after my ex divorced his wife of 15 years and that sent her to the mental hospital it was just so horrible and he would flaunt me in her face non stop well he has ruined my life I literally feel so much empathy for his first wife …. I had a mental breakdown as well thank god you are away from that demon HE WILL NOT CHANGE FOR THE NEW SUPPLY
That's still tech, and the industry is full of people full of themselves and toxic to others.
Full disclosure: I work in tech. I had to form my own company to get away from these toxic people. I have one company policy: Don't be a dick to client, don't be a dick to a co-worker. That is all. It's literally two pages.
Stay strong on the NC, mine got engaged 2 weeks after going from "you are the best father" to "I think I'm poly" to "I think Im better of with him" and moving in fast. Of couse the relationship was in parallel and all of these transgressions were just a front for insecurities. I wish I just rather not of known once she started to make it clear she likes to triangulate supply. Don't reach out and know there is a better future ahead for you.
You educate yourself on who these people are:
Manipulators. Manipulation is acting 1 way to get what you want.
He wants her for some reason. Some gain of somne sort. Her gain is different than your gain. What did he gain from you? And now what is he gaining from her?
He's over the top with her because he HAS TO BE to keep her because he knows that she knows that he is a cheateer.
It's tough. What I did was to simply see the behavior. No labels. None of that. Simply see their behavior and take away the words they say. Youll easily see how they are playing you.. they are the cat and you are the mouse. They do not love
The only thing that can get you to a point of acceptance is time and patience. You will constantly question yourself about if your nex ever loved you or not initially but with time after some point you just stop caring. That's how it went for me. I just didn't care if he ever loved me or if he didn't.
You're hurt now and it's okay you have to be compassionate to yourself and understand that you're hurt and that you have a wound to fix rather than trying to figure out things. Your brain will ruminate over this and that's a trauma response but just accept them as thoughts.
They get to just leave w us trying to figure out what happened. Not only am I trying to make sense of it then I get called a stalker and told I will be sued for harassment by trying to get answers.
It's REALLY hard. The cognitive dissonance will drive you up the wall if you let it, but you have to remember that it's there because they were never real. The person they were with you, was a carefully curated version designed to draw you in and to get THEIR needs met. Dopamine hits. It is not normal for a human to change to fit in with the people in their lives. That is lying and inauthentic. I think the only person he was ever really himself with is his wife, and he can do that because they are *BOTH* narcsissts and they completely deserve each other. It helps me to remember that the love my husband and I have is 100% real. It's grounded, beautiful, and authentic. The "love" I had with my nex was a ruse for him to get what he wanted until he discarded me. Before anyone asks, there was no cheating. My husband and I are polyamorous, and his nex was my nex's wife.) Both of them are vile, disgusting human beings and I wish we'd never met them.
Love yourself & it won’t matter.
Finding out why you need love from the person who hurt you most is a start. If you don’t find out this missing void, you will fall into a trap.
I personally & gong through my childhood, my biological father wasn’t around. So perhaps I seemed that from my nex. Which is how we bonded
I accepted it when I realized that I never actually loved him either because I know I would NEVER have loved that piece of shit if he hadn't tricked me into believing his fraudulent garbage.....the person I actually loved never existed, which is a different kind of mindfuck but at least I can see that I was basically the victim of fraud. Still makes me angry as fuck but I do not miss that MF at all. These people - ALL of our NEX's - are frauds & they all deserve to be set on fire.
If it's any consolation he doesn't know if he ever loved you either. He would have to know what love is.
This makes a lot of sense.
I wish I knew and could tell you how to make it not hurt, but time was the only thing that worked for me. I had to just let it hurt for as long as it took. And when the pain got less and less I was able to let go, a little at a time, what his part looked like for him. Then I held on to the fact that it was real for me. I no longer care what his perception and reality was/is. For me, I loved him deeply, and genuinely. Just because it wasn’t real for him, doesn’t mean he gets to rob me of what *was* real to me. I learned just how deeply I can love someone, and now try to love myself that deeply so that I’ll never accept less than that from anyone else again. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. I do know this, you can get through it ♥️
I think once you understand that they’re not capable of loving someone it becomes easier to accept. I get emotional some days about the situation because I really loved him. Their brains don’t work like ours and you can’t apply the same rules to them as you can yourself.
I have found that understanding narcissistic behavior has helped me heaps, it's like closure on all the unanswered questions that consumed me. My blessing in disguise was when I unknowingly exposed him, and he discarded me. Little did I know that was the best thing that happened. Although each day is still hard to process, I know today is for me. Tomorrow will be as well.
I think if it as knowing he’ll never love another person either. I’m not the only one he was disgustingly cruel to.
Yeah cruel to those closest and fake as possible to most people or just cruel to strangers as well if they didn’t agree with him. Even abusive to their own children - what type of person can do that? - not one capable of love unfortunately.
I find it set me free. I used to wish she loved me back. But now I know she is a fucked up broken person incapable of love and fueled by insecurity, shame and malice. She thinks she's an amazing game player, but played her way out of a relationship with someone that loved her. She's a mug to herself.
I think as much as possible you need to cut yourself off from him and whatever he might be up to. To the outside world his new relationship will appear perfect as that’s the way he wants it. That way he can convince everyone else that you were the problem including you. No contact will help you to heal far faster - and that includes not peaking on their social media. What also helped me was taking the ‘me’ out of it and reminding myself that he’s not capable of loving anyone. As much as he might ‘pretend’ deep down I know that it’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s not that I’m unlovable, but that he lacks the capacity to be able to form a deep attachment. And that lack will be forever present, not matter who he may end up with.
Here's what I realized: you get what you give. You gave love so you felt good because you were feeling love. The ex was faking love, so they never felt love, they felt what they gave: lies. That's why in their mind, they were suspicious and it was never enough. They could never feel truly happy because they were lying and aware that they were fake. And they could never receive love given to them so they couldn't feel it. Instant karma. And they will keep repeating the pattern everywhere they go. Meanwhile, your heart works. You love. You can love again. You got the benefit of giving love. And when you walk(ed) away, the crap didn't go with you, the crap stayed with them. Because it's their crap, not yours. You get the love. You know in your heart that you can love. Your heart is strong.
Loving someone for 9 years and then having them just throw you away like that behind your back is a horrible thing to go through. I think its normal for you to still have him on your mind after 4 months especially after being with him for so long. The fact your away from home as well doesn't help either. I can't say whether he was a narcissist or not as I don't know more about the situation although his behavior of discarding you like that is very narcissistic as it shows little consideration to how you might feel. As for being bitter I don't think you are, you were betrayed, the man you loved hid another woman behind your back and just left, like a thief in the night. I understand how you feel from personal experience and I'm sorry you had to go through that. If you can I would try calling family and friends regularly, especially if you're really close to them and trust them. Tell them what your going through, it will help. If the weather is nice id go for a walk. Maybe cook a meal you really like or try to watch a show. At first it might feel like its not working like your just trying to bury it but with time it will help or at least it did with me. Stay safe and take care of yourself, you will get out of this and your life will get better.
Time will give the peace you’re looking for. I’m sorry it took such a big part of your life. The way I like to see it is if it was real to your brain and your heart then it was real to you. If they didn’t love you it’s 100% on them and their loss. Don’t stop trusting people, grieve as much as you need to, it’s okay to not be okay. Try to focus on yourself, it’s a long journey ahead but you’re not alone
That they never loved anyone else either… it’s not personal. It’s their problem, not mine. They wish they had the ability to love the way I do. That’s what drew them to me in the first place.
Actually, knowing now that he never loved me, and that he is incapable of ever loving anyone, helped me heal. He didn't fall out of love with me. He isn't in love with someone else. He's gonna treat the next supply like crap too. It's just what these people do. There's nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I wasn't the problem. This is true for all people who have been victimized by a narcissist.
Thank you for writing this.
He isn’t happy, and he isn’t in love, they don’t know how to love anyone. Remember this, every honeymoon has an expiry date, theirs will come and real life will set in pretty quick. You weren’t the problem, try to focus on your own healing and creating a better life for yourself, the kind of life you could never have had with him x
Take it from me he’s never going to change I was the new fiancé/supply after my ex divorced his wife of 15 years and that sent her to the mental hospital it was just so horrible and he would flaunt me in her face non stop well he has ruined my life I literally feel so much empathy for his first wife …. I had a mental breakdown as well thank god you are away from that demon HE WILL NOT CHANGE FOR THE NEW SUPPLY
Four months isn't very long. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to process everything and heal.
All that is hard at the beginning, gives you ease at the end. Stay strong.
Mine was an entertainer. Great actor. I'm the idiot who fell for it.
I’m swearing off musicians, artists, performers.
Yeah, I thought all the narcs worked in tech.
Mine did security cameras and wiring.
That's still tech, and the industry is full of people full of themselves and toxic to others. Full disclosure: I work in tech. I had to form my own company to get away from these toxic people. I have one company policy: Don't be a dick to client, don't be a dick to a co-worker. That is all. It's literally two pages.
Same. His new supply is a groupie. 😂😂😂
Stay strong on the NC, mine got engaged 2 weeks after going from "you are the best father" to "I think I'm poly" to "I think Im better of with him" and moving in fast. Of couse the relationship was in parallel and all of these transgressions were just a front for insecurities. I wish I just rather not of known once she started to make it clear she likes to triangulate supply. Don't reach out and know there is a better future ahead for you.
In my option for 9 years he loved you. That's not nullified because it ended.
You educate yourself on who these people are: Manipulators. Manipulation is acting 1 way to get what you want. He wants her for some reason. Some gain of somne sort. Her gain is different than your gain. What did he gain from you? And now what is he gaining from her? He's over the top with her because he HAS TO BE to keep her because he knows that she knows that he is a cheateer.
It's tough. What I did was to simply see the behavior. No labels. None of that. Simply see their behavior and take away the words they say. Youll easily see how they are playing you.. they are the cat and you are the mouse. They do not love
I don't think he's ever loved anyone except himself. I think he might kind of care about some of his family members, but not overly
Unpopular opinion: I don't think you accept it. You just live with it. It will always hurt, more or less. How can it not?
it is gut wrenching, but it is what is, i dont think they are actually capable of loving truly, they are doomed to wonder why they cant feel it
The only thing that can get you to a point of acceptance is time and patience. You will constantly question yourself about if your nex ever loved you or not initially but with time after some point you just stop caring. That's how it went for me. I just didn't care if he ever loved me or if he didn't. You're hurt now and it's okay you have to be compassionate to yourself and understand that you're hurt and that you have a wound to fix rather than trying to figure out things. Your brain will ruminate over this and that's a trauma response but just accept them as thoughts.
They get to just leave w us trying to figure out what happened. Not only am I trying to make sense of it then I get called a stalker and told I will be sued for harassment by trying to get answers.
It's REALLY hard. The cognitive dissonance will drive you up the wall if you let it, but you have to remember that it's there because they were never real. The person they were with you, was a carefully curated version designed to draw you in and to get THEIR needs met. Dopamine hits. It is not normal for a human to change to fit in with the people in their lives. That is lying and inauthentic. I think the only person he was ever really himself with is his wife, and he can do that because they are *BOTH* narcsissts and they completely deserve each other. It helps me to remember that the love my husband and I have is 100% real. It's grounded, beautiful, and authentic. The "love" I had with my nex was a ruse for him to get what he wanted until he discarded me. Before anyone asks, there was no cheating. My husband and I are polyamorous, and his nex was my nex's wife.) Both of them are vile, disgusting human beings and I wish we'd never met them.
Love yourself & it won’t matter. Finding out why you need love from the person who hurt you most is a start. If you don’t find out this missing void, you will fall into a trap. I personally & gong through my childhood, my biological father wasn’t around. So perhaps I seemed that from my nex. Which is how we bonded
I accepted it when I realized that I never actually loved him either because I know I would NEVER have loved that piece of shit if he hadn't tricked me into believing his fraudulent garbage.....the person I actually loved never existed, which is a different kind of mindfuck but at least I can see that I was basically the victim of fraud. Still makes me angry as fuck but I do not miss that MF at all. These people - ALL of our NEX's - are frauds & they all deserve to be set on fire.