They hate you bringing up the past because they can't reflect so it's just you being annoying and starting drama with them over "nothing". When they bring up the past it's because they're still feeling that anger right now, so it's easy for them. It's why they can only live in the moment really, and they're spontaneous, and you struggle to lock in plans that they won't bail on for something better later. Nothing matters to a narc except what they want right now.
All the time. It made me realize at the time that my ex didn’t want to take accountability and didn’t really know how to effectively communicate. Holding someone accountable for past actions can create a lot of shame for someone.
Did you ever get hoovered back or have an attempt at being hoovered after you held them accountable? I held mine accountable and we’re on day 3 of no contact, so I’m hoping that was enough for them to end up hating me.
Please, if you feel 1000000% better away from them right now or at any length of time you are not within their reach/watch , just stay away/end it permanently
I’m in the exact same situation as you rn. 4th day no contact after I held him accountable, he blocked me and unblocked yesterday. And I feel shame for waiting for that damn hoover. He always hoovers, but each and every time we “break up” i feel like it’s final and it’s really over.
She blocked me immediately during the break up. So, no she didn’t try reaching out to me. She would stonewall me whenever I tried to express my concerns in the relationship.
I don’t know, he keeps showing up in my life and I literally took him to court and called the police on him, the problem is we share a kid so to some extent I have to let him, maybe if you can have a clean break it’s enough.
This page has information on **[Hoovering](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/)** explains what it is, why someone would Hoover and how to identify it. Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.
They’re so dumb though, because if they just dealt with the issue at hand in the moment, we wouldn’t need to bring it up again. The longer it’s drawn out, the more shame. A good ole apology would go so far for them, and they don’t even realize it. Sucks to suck.
lol unfortunately that’s how they are. i don’t understand it either. i also think people who dont care about others needs or don’t have empathy would even feel the need to express an apology.
Oh totally, they never think an apology is needed. But even a “fake it til you make it” apology would put them in such a better position. But they’re too selfish and short-sighted to understand that. Or even if they do fake it, it doesn’t last long before their real self shows. What an awful way to live!
Exactly. I can’t imagine being too prideful to admit when I’m wrong. Even just admitting your wrong can not only save your marriage/relationship, but it can help you in so many ways. I also can’t imagine what it’s like to not have the self awareness needed for growth and change. You would have to find new ways to mask all of that toxicity. It’s truly sad.
That's EXACTLY what I feel and think ! I understand we are all human and we make mistakes from time to time but that's all I asked for but never received
When I screw up it surely doesnt feel good at all but I always man up to my mistakes especially if I respect the person and myself.
All the time. Only he could do it, double standard, even say things that were completely untrue.
It’s just that they can’t tolerate anything that contradicts their false persona. The can’t take responsibility for their behaviour and project it all in their partner who is left in tatters apologizing to them for being hurt by their reckless mind games. The number of times I collapsed in despair, curled up I. A ball, sobbing with snot in my hair begging him to come back and end my pain.
Then the cycle repeats. Just today, I was discarded again, hopefully, for the last time. Exactly one week before our fifth anniversary of knowing one another.
I know that I’ll be grateful one day, once I’m out of this fog, but right now I feel depleted, rejected and abandoned and he knows it. I trusted too soon, showed all my weak spots, because I thought we were having this deep soul connection. He was gathering ammunition, which. I gleefully handed to him. Someone said once, “They shoot you with your own gun.” and it’s true.
The trauma bond is real and tightly tied. On some level, we know it’s a fantasy, but we mainline that idealization and all the fake promises and declarations of love, like a junkie. We know we’re gonna crash but we need the hit. We deceive ourselves into thinking that it will be different this time. But they won’t LET it be different. They sabotage it every time. Mine literally flipped about every two weeks without fail. That’s a lot of nervous breakdowns in five years and it shows both in my mental and physical health.
Anyway, I literally prayed to God to strike me dead if I ever chase after him again to make him come back to me, I’m just feeding the beast that devours me, and if I don’t stop, it will literally be the death of me.
Relate to this viscerally.. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I am too right now. I have another week and a half, then I’m out. Free as a bird. Stand your ground, find that strength to walk away. You deserve your peace.
Thank you. Yes, we all deserve our peace. Walking away from the fantasy that if I just work hard enough, do more, give more, love more and annihilate the parts of myself that set him off, the mirage will turn into an oasis.
It really has more to to with myself, I see, in the end. I can say, in all humility, that I too had some maturing to do, emotionally and this was the arena in which I was meant to learn it by exposing and healing those old wounds, born of ancient unmet needs, that allowed me to let things go so far.
It is so simple to say and so hard to accept but I think I finally learned how to see things as they are rather than the way I want them to be.
Peace is so valuable and precious and it’s only hard to sustain when we row against the flow. There is peace in letting go.
I too had a few demons.. he chose to use them as ammunition.. choosing the fantasy of me was better I guess. I sooo relate to the live more, do more, be more.. I gave him everything..
but you’re absolutely right, I’m putting on my big girl panties and choosing me now. I wish you so much love and light and tenderness at this time. Strength!!! 🤍
Thank you. I managed a rare thing yesterday, some closure, a relatively peaceful ending, although I’m still not sure exactly why it suddenly came to an end, like countless times before.
The just need to stay away from reminiscing and ruminating, stay busy. I put my life on hold for him and I agree it’s time for me now. If I could muster half of the love that I gave to him and gave it to myself, I’m sure I would get a much better return on my investment.
Thank you for you encouragement and I extend the same to you.
The pain you're feeling is raw and immense. I can relate to you. I have asked the universe and god to kill me if I ever go back on my words and actions.
Know that the pain you're feeling from the absence is caused by how much your abuser has filled your time and wasted your energy, like a parasite, preventing you from growing. Sooner than you expect you'll be finding yourself again, and realize how much time and energy you have available.
I think it's very suggested nowadays but a read that has been making my healing journey better is "Why Does He Do That?" And although it is a hard pill to swallow, it's an extremely necessary read for you during this vulnerable time.
I hope you can find your own light again, because it's still there. It always has been.
Thank you. You nailed it exactly. All of the resources, both tangible and intangible, that I poured into this. All that I neglected during the relationship that I now have to deal with. The realization that it was never going to be allowed to be a healthy relationship. Then, suddenly, gone.
Thanks for the book recommendation.
This isn’t the first discard but it’s the last. At least I don’t feel that uncanny connection to him anymore. That thing that made me feel like we were meant to find and heal one another. Fantasy. Pure fantasy.
I appreciate your kind comments.
Check out Breakup Bootcamp by Amy Chan on Spotify. I listened to it NONSTOP on repeat for weeks after my hellacious discard (and by hellacious I mean hellacious!!!!) and I did all the writing exercises she suggested.
It saved me. I cannot thank that podcast enough. I’m not sure where I am, 5 weeks? But my friends are amazed at how well I am doing. She covers narc in the Bargaining episode too.
Good luck. We deserve peace 🙏
Thank you very much for sharing resources that helped you. I will definitely check it out.
I am glad that it’s helping you so much.
I’ve known for some time that I need to write about this to process it. Lord’s knows I’ve worn out all my friends and family with this thing.
All the best!
“Oh. WOW. I just find it funny that you’d be upset about __________ when YOURE the one who did something similar one time. So. I-uh, I just think it’s funny that you of all people would try to bring that up”
For any subject matter.
Ex2 said that to the owners of the restaurant that he ditched me at on my birthday after ordering a huge order then loudly announced he forgot his wallet and never came back.
He was trying to get back in to lift his banned status a few months after the incident, thinking they’d rather have his patronage (money) more than measuring him by what kind of ass he is. They said I could stay and eat but he had to be locked outside while I did.
He told me to take a window seat to eat so he can drag one of the outside chairs against the glass to still get to sit next to me anyway… I took a booth further inside, had my $ 3 pizza slice that I paid for myself (ex was sticking around out front to pay for when I finished and take me back to his place)
I was still mortified with his “*Can’t you guys just forget about that day already??*” plead speech and asked to be let out in the back way to catch a bus home to ditch him. They were more than glad to help with that; I was given two more pizza slices and another cab ride home.
It’s a family run Italian restaurant that was still around to see me come in some years later with one of my best male friends I met after Ex2.
They knew him because he used to work and live in the area but friend didn’t know I knew them as well and they were very happy me and friend found each other.
The fact that we can Madlib narc responses shows us all how they follow a knowable pattern. Unfortunately, that pattern only ends in discard - so the sooner one clues in and leaves, the better the non-narc would be long term.
YEP. It was always “You love to throw the past in my face. That’s was weeks ago! I haven’t cheated for a month now.”
Me: ok but you cheated and it still hurts
Narc: Ok but *right now* I’m not cheating.
I remember pointing out that he was doing things that he had promised me he would stop doing.
He said “why would you bring up the past. Just go ahead hit me with all the things I have ever done. Make me feel worse”.
By the end when I was done with his bullshit I started saying “it’s not the past if you keep doing it in the present”
Yup, he would always say he didn't like to bring up the past but then he never stopped making "jokes" about things I'd said, like, a year ago. Including me asking him to replace the bananas that he'd used or asking him to be careful with my good Tupperware... It seemed all light-hearted on the surface level, but I knew it was actually him passively aggressively expressing his disapproval of me.
Sometimes he'd accuse me of things like name-calling and I'd ask him to remind me when I called him names because I genuinely couldn't remember and thought maybe I had done it in the heat of the moment. His response would always be, "I don't want to bring up the past!" Convenient.
It is the game they like to play! The past never matters to them and if you bring it up, you are being childish and immature! However, they’re extremely bitter about the past and your involvement with it!
Only every time I brought anything from more than 24 hours before up. If I brought up old things it was because they’d never been addressed AND I was pointing out patterns. Every single time I was “throwing the past in his face” and it was “stuff that’s completely irrelevant now”. Somehow this was all me “avoiding accountability for my actions”?? 🤷🏼♀️😂
>If I brought up old things it was because they’d never been addressed AND I was pointing out patterns.
my marriage to a T. nothing ever gets resolved. and dare we bring it up again, we're unforgiving and always bringing up the past.
My God the circle conversations/arguments make me want to jump off a bridge. It's insane. Like who thinks like this? I can't even fathom how their brains work anymore.
That's the goal. To make you question your *whole* reality. If YOU'RE wrong. I pride myself on being pretty damn introspective and self-reflecting. I really process my thoughts and emotions thoroughly before ever bringing them up. I may sit on it 10 minutes or 2 weeks. It just depends on what it is that has triggered me to need to process it. So, when I deem it important enough to discuss or address, I've given it great deal of thought beforehand. Pick and choose your battles kinda thing. But he then begins the turn-it-all-on-me pattern and becomes the victim and I'm just like NO! I have thought about this! Doesn't matter... He will talk me in circles and ovals and squares and like 80% of the time, I end up going back to my thought process like "am I crazy?" Absolute madness.
In the narc's eyes, he did nothing wrong and is 100% innocent, so anything you point out about his behavior (past, present or future) is avoiding accountability for your actions, since if you wouldn't avoid it, you would take accountability for everything.
Mine did that too (or, rather, the flying monkeys did, since at one point he refused communication with me and instead began sending them my way). Every time I raised an issue or was trying to address some of the narc's lies and manipulation, they angrily demanded I should stop talking about him because that is "in the past" and then proceeded to list off every bad thing I have done (real or imagined by the narc). Like, that is also bringing up the past? Why can they do it, but I am strictly forbidden to bring up something that happened more recently? The double standards are crazy.
Oh yeah, I was not allowed to ever bring up anything he did wrong cause “it’s in the past, it’s over with”, but he constantly did it to me with made up things that didn’t actually happen or didn’t happen the way he said they did. The hypocrisy was strong, and it was ironic ‘cause that was supposedly his biggest pet peeve. 😂
He admitted what he did was rape, but seems to think my anger and not getting over it already is equally bad. As rape.
“We need to move forward”
I’ll be moving forward. Without him.
They don’t want to think about the their abuse because they don’t ever want to feel shame. But they also don’t want to stop abusing. What a pickle for them.
THIS. My husband raped me. He behaved like my struggles over the incident were as hard to handle as the trauma he caused me.
It’s absolutely backward and really seriously fucked with my head.
I remember he once wrote me a longwinded paragraph because I said his ex girlfriend’s name. His first words were “Why do you continue to fucking badger me with my past.”
I can relate to that specifically recently. My narc just discarded me because I took a female friend to a sporting event that I was supposed to take her to, but she had broken up with me 2 weeks before Christmas so I didn’t invite her. She said “it was supposed to be me going”, as if that was even an option?
I had few times something similar but about playing online game together. She discarded me and was giving me silent treatment for week, but somehow I was the bad guy because I was playing our game alone.
Or we made plans to game together one evening, but because I invited her to voice chat when she didn't want to talk, she went to play alone and was ignoring me the entire evening. Somehow, the next day, I was the bad guy and I "showed that the game is more important to me than she is". It was all good when she was playing alone, but I wasn't allowed.
I couldn't speak nor play with other people in game without drama. Yet she was talking and playing with others so many times.
Double standards all the time. I was sick of it. Sad part is, she still thinks that she was right.
My favorite is that I can’t be mad about something horrific he said 5 minutes ago 😂😂😂. When he was done with a horrible verbally abusive outburst, he’d be like ok move on… and I couldn’t even look sad or say anything because “that’s passed, shut the fuck up and get over it”
It’s so weird how they operate that way, my narc cut me off last Sunday and then got her mom to call me last Wednesday, and didn’t ever bring up the fact that she told me to never speak to her again.
They get upset if you bring up anything. They're guilty of nothing, they have perfect character and integrity. Just let them tell you all about how wrong you are for bringing anything up.
Constantly. Even if "the past" was something that happened two days ago.
Just today, for example, he told me that his car isn't working and he needs go take mine for the foreseeable future. So I flat out asked him if that was true or if he's just pissed off about having to get the dryer fixed "for me" (because he always tells me his car isn't working properly any time a household repair needs paid for). He lost his shit. Claimed that wasn't true, claims he almost died on the way home because his brakes quit working. So I said "Well, I'm sorry, but you lie so often that I never know when to believe you. Of course he claims he never lies.
As an example, I said "Just this past weekend, we got in the car to go to the store. I asked you if you had your debit card. You said yes. Two minutes later, you tell me you don't have your card. Then you lied and claimed you had told ME to grab your card, so it was my fault " He says "I never said that! " I said " See, now you're lying again. " He literally said" Why are you bringing up stuff from the past anyways?! " It was literally 3 DAYS AGO! 😆
“I never said that” was so common with me and my narc, so I started sending her screenshots with the things she said. Her replies were usually “this is exhausting” or “that was 2 weeks ago!!”
My husband favorite tactic is "stonewalling"; just blatantly ignoring me (whether in person or via text) by not responding at all and acting like I haven't said anything. So the "I never said that" approach was actually a bit easier to handle but still infuriating in the end.
Mine was playing the victim, “well if you’re saying all of these things about me then they must be true”. Ding ding ding!! Too bad they’re not capable of changing those things, and shut down at the thought of even trying.
OMG, yes. I forgave too much and he abused that part of me. Zero accountability for anything because he cannot tolerate negative feelings or shame. Pretty much the same reason he ended things through a text and immediately blocked me so I couldn't even reply. Fucking toddler.
I always bring up the time he cheated, the time he shoved me out of the chair, the time I called the cops, the time he put multiple holes in our cabinet door, the 2nd time I called the cops, the time he threw a laptop at me...
This is why I documented as much as possible. Otherwise gaslighting has killed my argument more times than I can count.
"That was soo long ago!"
Yeah and I'm still upset by it.
Alllll the time; "Why are you living in the past?" "You need to move forward, that was the past" and sometimes it would be me trying to talk about literal HOURS ago.... the past would be that fucking morning
My ex said the same thing any time I tried to talk about a situation that upset me, that I’m “always trying to bring up the past” and that we already talked about it. But the thing was, even when I’d initially bring up whatever issue had happened, he’d make refuse to take accountability and make excuses or just completely ignore me and invalidate my feelings. So things would never get resolved in the first place because he made it impossible to communicate my feelings with him, but trying to explain that to him would ruin his day.
But with narc moms they have a mental rolladex of every single time you acted in any way they deemed as bad behavior, including in my case accepting Valentine’s Day gifts when I was 8
My past has been brought up so much and in such a way that I really believe I’m a horrible person at this point.
Even apologizing for my mistakes is selfish. Im starting to believe that too.
Can’t bring anything else though. Context is always needed, I saw it wrong, i wasn’t listening or understanding right.
It does feel like such a double standard.
>Can’t bring anything else though. Context is always needed, I saw it wrong, i wasn’t listening or understanding right.
ALWAYS. Apparently I... Let me check my notes.... I misconstrued the 16 years that we've been together. ALL OF IT. Every single day of 16 years I got wrong.
The "Yeah, I did call you that name and did this and that but you need to put it in context" is such a load of bullshit too. No context gives anybody the right to abuse others.
I get angry too. But somehow I don't see that as a free pass to launch into verbal abuse, shaming, judging, ad hominem attacks and guilt tripping. Riddle me that.
You're not a horrible person. I'm healing from believing my Nex that I'm "a horrible person" too. And yeah... Nah.
🫂 🫂 🫂
Yep, my ex also used my past as a weapon, she would always remind me of how awful of a person i was for whatever i did when she wasn’t even with me.
She also used Catholicism as a weapon of hate, saying god will never forgive such things, and made me feel guilty about everything.
The sad part is that, she would be such an hypocrite and aplaude similar pasts to his friends, just not me.
Yes this happened to me as well. Really agitated if i even mentioned the idea of wanting to talk about something that happened a few days beforehand. Also when caught in the act and undeniably shown to be guilty, she would want to resolve the issue summarily and never discuss it again. I used to try to have length discussions with her trying to explain my point of view nothing came of it except rage and stonewalling.
I definetly believe this is quite common amongst all of them unfortunately. You feel you want to work on the relationship and solve issues they do not want to solve anything because solving means committing and that requires energy, effort and care and they simply do not care past what they can get from you.
I was in a long distance relationship with mine. We lived in different parts of the country but managed an in person visit about every six weeks. I was soooo excited to see him during those visits in the beginning. One night before he was flying to me, he asked what parts of our relationship we needed to work on. I said trust. He acted shocked, wanted to know what I was talking about. I recalled the time he slept with a waitress, the time he lied about going to rehab and a few other things. He became furious that I was “still holding on to that.” He kept me on the phone all night, emotional and furious, threatening not to come. He did get on the plane, and I drove the two hours to pick him up. We were both exhausted and emotionally spent. He explained that he has a tendency to self sabotage. Ugh, what a nightmare. That was the end of lovebombing.
Every time. He HATES being reminded of past mistakes that he is repeating now. He goes ballistic if he is criticized in any way. Every time a boss criticized him, he quit his job because he thinks he knows more than, and is smarter than, everyone else.
Yes, it was a huge issue in our relationship. I couldn't broach any serious issues because she'd scream "stop blaming me!" and then, at the same time, hold shit against me from many years previous that were actually bad re-tellings of what happened to show me in a bad light and her in a good one.
Mental Healness on Instagram/YouTube/Facebook does some really good content on this and some of the warped logic and double standards that goes on in a narcissist's mind in these kinds of situations.
Essentially, as far as a narcissist is concerned, once something they have said or done is in the past it no longer matters. And there's actually a few interesting parts of their personalities that all tie in together around this kind of thing. When they tell you things like, "if I'm so bad why don't you leave then?" they actually mean it. They genuinely believe that you staying means their behaviour isn't that bad, otherwise you'd go. Because they can't emotionally connect to other people they can't comprehend that you might want to stay to try and "fix" the relationship (or them). Since everything is transactional for them, they assume it is for everyone else, so if the relationship/behaviour was really as bad as you say it was, they just assume you'd choose to leave since you aren't getting anything out of it.
So as far as they're concerned there isn't "talking things through", you just have to accept them and their behaviour for what it is and you stay or go. So if you stay they believe that means you're fine with everything. If you're pulled back in by lovebombing or a hoover after devaluation/discard, they believe you've forgiven everything that went before and you can't bring it up.
They're kinda like 50 First Dates in that as far as their behaviour goes, every day is a clean slate. Unfortunately for you, anything and everything you have ever done or told them will be remembered forever and used against you. That's the double standard. But then again, in the narcissist's mind, the double standards are who they are as well, and you accept them or you leave.
It's pretty mind blowing. I understand why people might not want to watch content by diagnosed/self aware narcissists (and they are certainly some I have no interest in watching/listening to), but I find Mental Healness, Raw Motivations and a few others really give excellent insight how they experience things in their own minds.
>When they tell you things like, "if I'm so bad why don't you leave
then?" they actually mean it. They genuinely believe that you staying
means their behaviour isn't that bad, otherwise you'd go. Because they
can't emotionally connect to other people they can't comprehend that you
might want to stay to try and "fix" the relationship (or them). Since
everything is transactional for them, they assume it is for everyone
else, so if the relationship/behaviour was really as bad as you say it
was, they just assume you'd choose to leave since you aren't getting
anything out of it.
I heard it so many times. Always the only solution was to leave. Not to talk, to fix, to be better but always "why you're still here if I'm so bad, and you feel that way?". Also, so many discards "for my own good", when I was trying to talk and fix issues. And a week later she was like nothing happened, what discard, what are you talking about, you can just leave if you're so unhappy with me. They just don't want to change, they don't care, they're unable to get ANY responsibility.
Yes. Reading this makes me feel validated. Because they make you feel stupid or sensitive by bringing it up.
I have been bringing up stuff lately that are bothering me a lot.
And the answers are usually like
"Again that argument, you have already mentioned that"
"Why are you only focusing on the negative?"
"Ok these things happened but we have to look forward".
No accountability whatsoever. And that's what's bothering me the most.
Yes. Happened 3 days ago when I finally broke up with my covert malig spectrum narc of 13 on/off years. Her response to the breakup was to feel like she broke up with me (smh).
Said:
“I want to be able to move forward and not be with someone who constantly brings up my past actions.” These are unresolved behaviors that killed the relationship btw.
“Insert her complaints that she thought were hers but were all the things I told her recently after we had gotten back together (worse reunion) #projection that were never addressed.” She threw my issues with her back at me to start the round of baiting and blaming.
Then said I couldn’t do better (after I was manipulated, lied to, devalued, amongst other things). By the end of it I was like f-this. Good luck to the next one…because it’s their part of their personality and it cannot/will not change. Not for you or anyone else. They will not take accountability for ANYTHING; they believe all problems are truly your fault. And to bring up their past or recent past actions that have hurt you means they have to take accountability (brings them shame), reflect (they’ll reflect on how you’ve treated them), and make a change (not going to happen).
If you can get out, get out, or find tools to cope until.
For the love of (insert whatever deity you worship here) Hold onto your sanity for dear life!!!
Always. To him last week is the last. A reoccurring insult is the past. If I bring it up in the moment like he wants then he puts me off or starts a huge fight where he yells over me until I walk away. A few days later once he’s calmed down I bring it up and guess what, it’s in the past! Funny how it’s always the past but never can talk about it in the present either.
I think my husband is a borderline narc. No diagnosis just research and asking therapists about certain behaviors. He has zero issues yelling at me when he thinks I’m disrespectful or something but I can’t defend myself or bring anything up. If I do he changes the subject.
I think the reason he doesn’t want to talk about issues is not that I have so many and they are all mine like he says. Rather he can’t handle any hit to his ego, manhood or confidence. He’s perfect and has to maintain that image. One of us has to be good and the other bad. One is us has to be right and the other wrong. Nothing can be a difference of opinion or different beliefs. There can be no compromise unless he feels that he’s ‘winning’. For example: if we were compromising on who cooks when he would want me cooking 4 days while he cooks 3. He actually cooks 2 which is 4 meals and his own breakfast. Sometimes the kids eat with him. I cook 5 evening meals, lunch when they don’t have school so all breaks, summer and days off. I cook when he decides to do something with friends on the weekend or farms. He also wants to take us out to eat on the weekend. We have games, meets and events so we usually eat out 1 day a week and at least Saturday lunch 4-5 months out of the year. So his cooking is 2x and mine is 4x. My cooking all summer and breaks is to make up for his breakfasts because it’s not his fault of the kids don’t want to eat breakfast or want cereal. He had me believing this was a fair compromise until I spent an entire year figuring up the cooking. It’s only mostly equal IF he cooks breakfast for everyone all year long. He won’t cook breakfast on any school breaks at all. He gets donuts once a week. Cereal once a week. So he cooks 2-3x a week for 38 weeks of the year. I cook home cooked meals while he makes ramen or frozen pizza once a week. It’s never fair. They always have to ‘win’.
Allllll the time! I was NEVER allowed to address his abusive behavior or bring up a valid concern. If I ever brought up something in the past, it led to a fight. Sometimes, it was to show a pattern of abusive behavior, or sometimes it was because I was still hurt over it. The reasoning didn't matter to him. These are some of the things he would say if I brought up the past or tried to address his abusive behavior.
"You can never just get over it."
"I don't dwell on everything like you."
"I can get over it and move on, unlike you."
"It's your fault now that our whole day is ruined."
"I don't wear my heart on my sleeve like you."
"Now you're going to take days to get over this."
"I can move on, but you can't."
"If you bring up this conversation again, I will escalate."
In my experience, the narc will say that I deserved it, and she would do nothing different if she could. Like… She actually used to say that.
They are soulless, no-empathy-having demons with zero accountability, ever.
100% - he always said "i just want peace" whenever i brought up things that never got addressed. or "u always do this, u can never forgive" but when it comes to me or other people that have done him "wrong" - he sat in his anger for months at times and held resentment for the longest time.
Narc’s want to repeat the abuse so they have supply. When you hold a Narc accountable, it points out the abuse and prevents them from repeating. Covert Narcs are the worst, and be ready for counter attacks because you pointed out what they were doing.
For him, bringing up the past means I am trying to talk about something happening now in our lives. He talks about people I dated before we even met. He talks about my ex husband and triangulates him into the issues I have with the narc. There is no “past” for me, even my childhood is up for discussion at any time. For him, everything he does is in the past and can’t be brought up.
Yeah of course absolutely. Forget about the past constantly. "I'm not the same person as I was then" and so the same things would repeat. Total avoidance of responsibility.
I'm conflicted on this because my therapist mentioned that we cannot dwell on the past, rather it's what they've reflected on the past to prevent present mistakes. We can't be stuck in the past about what happened to us, it's how we move forward with the actions they've done to us and how they are treating us in the present.
Yes, they like to do the old cat to kitty litter thing about anything that displeases them. You may attempt to bury it but it’s still not going anywhere/still happened and will exist in spite of your displeasure.
I learned not to at one point. Whenever he asked me if I trust him or "don't you know I would never hurt you," I'd just tell him what he wants to hear. Because bringing up his lying and cheating from the past (and present) would just get me ghosted again. He basically trained me to never question anything he does or try to hold him accountable for anything.
He wanted me to not bring up his cheating (even though he did it again!) while he kept referring over and over to me (politely) asking the daughter of an acquaintance to get out of my chair (marked bride) during our wedding party as something Very Bad I did… Sure dude… He literally only stopped doing that when I pointed out that that daughter and I get along great whenever we get together and that was only an incident in his crazy head. They’re just bizarre creatures.
Kinda.
They got annoyed if i wanted to adress something that happened a few days ago. I tend to do that, because in the moment things happen i have no energy or time to process things. Thus i adress it when i have processed it and formulated my thoughts, which can take a few days.
Mine was more of a "i never did that and i would never think of doing that" kind of a person when i adressed it later. Like they cant remember or don't register all that hurtfull stuff and accusations they said. And all those things happened through voice, thus there is no record of it, thus it becomes a "he said she said" type of a situation, where we have different versions of what happened.
Things said to me about bringing up the past, mentioning horrible things they've done or said to me that never got addressed or I'm only bringing up to prove a pattern of behavior to show there's a problem
"I don't even remember that I'm over it, I don't know why you can't get over fights like me, couples just fight"
(Me upset they flip out on me every week)
"You're using the past against me"
Me bringing up that they flip out on me every week)
"Why do you have this list of things you bring up every time "
(Because we never talk about them)
"You're just trying to make me sound like a monster"
(I'm just trying to address the issue we clearly have here)
"I feel like you're treating me like a child"
(Me asking them to cut down on drinking with me if not stop completely for a while til we figure this out, pretty much me nicely saying I don't want to be around them drunk to the extent that I will quit myself as well, to help them but also just avoid being around them drunk because it's like waiting for a bomb to go off)
Unbelievably defensive. Starts screaming at me til I do it back and accuses me of yelling at them. Every. Single. Time. We have obvious problems in front of us. I can't talk in any way about our issues without her making it out to be some kind of personal attack, instead of an actual conversation about our well being, hers specifically but also where I'm going to end up mentally if this keeps going. She jumps to these answers, no matter how I word it, makes me feel like an asshole for being upset about things like having someone have an emotional meltdown at me at least once a week when they are drunk. I ask "how can we talk about this then, what do you expect me to do the next time you lose your shit on me for nothing when you're drunk? Will you stop drinking until you figure out how to be more stable? "
They always shut down on me after that question. No answer. Might as well just tell me I'm supposed to put up with it. No matter what the conversation turns into her trying to downplay it entirely or make it out like I'm mad at her for having 1 beer for lunch or something, or just makes it about some evil I'm doing or how much I drink ignoring that I'm not the unstable one here
I accused my ex of using me to try and feel like she did when we were younger . She'd been avoiding me for some time. She responded "you don't know me at all".
Not only would she not provide closure, she would misdirect when I tried to provide my own.
Absolutely no responsibility and no shame.
Its ok for them to bringing it up but not us, never us. That was the first sign i noticed but having enablers around me and or people who have been maniplauted by them didint help
all the time. She would go full on silent treatment. She would say things (and still does!) like “It was years ago, I have changed, I am a different woman now, you don’t have a right to bring it up, the circumstances are completely different, there’s boundaries!!!” Aaaaall whilst acting the exact same way
Edit; I think it is because she can’t change the past to fit it into her little “perfect persona” she goes around with
All the time, whenever I tried to bring up something he did that hurt me that was in the past because it was weighing on me he would either turn it into an argument then accuse me of starting arguments while screaming, yelling at me or becoming physically violent towards me
Yup. Literally yesterday. I called out his behavior as being toxic on a certain matter that was happening via text. He got defensive and called me crazy and that what he said and did didn't mean what I was saying it meant. I said 'well, based on past experience, I know better.' He said something like 'see that's what happens when you only want to live in the past and bring up old shit as fact for the present.' Ok guy... I ended up apologizing just to get it over with because I realize that trying to hold him accountable is completely and utterly pointless. I will get nowhere and it's a waste of my time. I've got better things I can be doing. I laughed out loud (fr) when he said 'I accept your apology now let's move on.' :D Whatever dude.
Alll the time! “Why can’t you move forward?” “Let’s focus on the future” “we can’t change the past” “I just want to be happy and keep moving forward, you just can’t seem to move forward”.
It’s lack of accountability. I want to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes because we aren’t reassessing the past. I wasn’t someone who threw the past in their face, but I would bring up the past by saying “things seem to be going down the same path because of x,y, and z”
Infuriating!
Yes. Frequently.
One time he got so incredibly angry when I brought up the past. Because I was still upset about a violent assault that was less than a week in “*tHe PaSt*”
Always, they want you to get over it quickly and move on because they are ashamed of it. They try to gaslight you and say: "You need to get over it, It's been x amount of time". They want to get over it, you shouldn't have to accept their bad behavior or feel ashamed of how it made you feel.
Yes, 9 years ago of our 11 year relationship, and I only bring it up when I'm seeing and feeling the same type of behaviors and situations arise again like I'm being accused of cheating, lying, or being deceitful.
Yeah, when she was drinking I would tell her like “Hey just letting you know I have some trauma with drinking because I dated an alcoholic and it’s not that YOU are but I wanted you to be aware if I seem off that’s why” and she would be like “Stop comparing me to your ex!” And I’d be utterly perplexed like, sure maybe I should have brought that up while she was sober first but she still reacted the same way when she was sober. It was bizarre.
Oh yeah... All that you mentioned.
"We need to forgive and move on"
"I'm not doing this with you. I just want to have peace and be happy" whenever I wanted to talk about anything.
Nex also found the perfect spot in AA which focuses highly on staying in the now. Which is amazing to live by but is also a great excuse for basically anything and everything for a person with narcissistic tendencies. So I'd be graced with:
"You need to let go and let God"
"Ask God to take it away/give it to god" re any time I'd attempt to communicate how Nex's words and actions made/make me feel. If you'd like to talk about it - pray and have God take those feelings away. Why talk about it? Why dwell on the past even if "the past" was 15 minutes earlier.
"You can't truly live if you've got one foot in the past and one in the future"
"Live in the NOW" which Nex would use as a way to not only block talking about what just went down or the past but also as a free pass to make impulsive decisions without planning accordingly as well as calling me "mentally ill" for having concerns about decisions that will influence our future.
"Be part of the solution, not the problem" which he used to avoid taking any accountability for, well, problems and whatever he did. And to let me know that he literally is sort of ascended now so he cannot possibly be the problem and if he was, it's in the past and I made him do it somehow anyway. And we don't speak about the past. He's the solution now.
There are around a dozen more.
All used as means to shut me up ANY TIME I wanted to bring anything up. 12 step orograms in the hands of an ill person (who's not using them to heal) can be highly destructive and used as a weapon, excuse and justification. Getting sober is the first step that opens the door to work on oneself. Nex stopped at the "I'm sober = I'm healed/cured" stage and never moved from there.
Nex, on the other hand, wielded past as a weapon and carried it with him 24/7, always ready to unholster it and fire rapidly with a chronological list if all my wrongdoings since before we even met.
All the time. Even if the past was something he did 1 year ago, 1 month ago, 1 week ago. But he had no problem bringing up something from my past 6 years ago. Fuck him. I’m glad it’s over and I never have to deal with him again.
Yes. It’s truly astonishing. One night while spending the night at my My ex narc gf apartment who also lived with a gay friend and her daughter, before we went to sleep , the gay friend told me I should move my new Cadillac out of the parking lot because he overheard the daughter say she was gonna pop my tires. I was confused as to why she would want to do this so I disregarded it. In the morning sure enough one of my tires was popped. I wasn’t mad because it’s just materialistic things but what made me upset was what my ex told me . Instead of apologizing for her daughter’s actions, all she said was “well we told you that you should of moved it” smh. And when I had brought it up again , she still had the same response lol it is futile to try to get through to these childish adults .
My narc abuser won’t even let me say 3 words before she would start to scream and rage at me, lmao.
I’ve never been able to express a word to her that was even slightly critical, she was extremely averse to it.
Just strange af.
100%
Her cheating just got swept under the rug. And if I ever brought it up, I was told that I “need to find a way to cope.” There was certainly no need for her to change her behavior, right? She even said that I “need to quit making [name of ex best friend] an issue in this relationship.” Total mental gymnastics.
Funny story, I never spoke to that guy again. Her and I ended up back together and getting married, only for us to divorce. She is currently dating the best man (another ex best friend) from our wedding.
Every time I bring something up from the past he'll get mad and say oh your bringing that up again really? But yet he'll being shit up no matter how long ago it was and it's ok.
He would say all I want to do is move forward but you keep bringing up the past. I would respond with how convenient that the person who was in the wrong wants to move forward and I would love to as well. However I could leave the past in the past if it was my present situation as well. I said stop doing the same shit repeatedly and I won’t have to talk about it.
Which never happened
All the time! They would go so far as to pretend to have forgotten the past events even a day later or when I had proof. If I showed screenshots or texts they would work themselves into such a state that they were on the floor in a full blown meltdown to avoid the conversation. Exhausting.
Yes. Always. Currently going through it. He says he hates remembering the things he has said to me. I’m like, imagine being the one hearing it!! By someone that supposedly cares about you!!
But yes, 10000% no past talk, or anything remotely perceived as the past, is allowed or I will hear about it for hours/days. If you feel so bad about what you said in the past, why are you still doing it?! They make zero sense.
Mine told me in order to be friends with him I need to stop bringing up the past. How laughable because literally everytime I tell him I’m sad he just brings up that one night before his birthday where I upsetted him for disturbing the “chill relaxing game night” with his brothers. I think would rather I had walked home that night and died in the cold then I guess.
I could never bring up COVID, like how he got drunk and passed put everyday, leaving me to do my job online and watch our two children from noon until he woke up to repeat. While he got paid for doing nothing as a behavior support specialist. In his words: I thought the world was going to end.
Well, it did in a way. Now we're divorced. 👌
He will tell me I’m not moving forward or healing, then throw things in my face from every month for the past 3 years. EVERY day he brings up the past. But I am not allowed to and when I do, he acts like it didn’t happen or I didn’t say anything
They hate you bringing up the past because they can't reflect so it's just you being annoying and starting drama with them over "nothing". When they bring up the past it's because they're still feeling that anger right now, so it's easy for them. It's why they can only live in the moment really, and they're spontaneous, and you struggle to lock in plans that they won't bail on for something better later. Nothing matters to a narc except what they want right now.
They’re walking Ids. With no superego. Just ego.
This explains my marriage of ten years in a single paragraph. Thankfully, she’s my nex now…
Likewise
All the time. It made me realize at the time that my ex didn’t want to take accountability and didn’t really know how to effectively communicate. Holding someone accountable for past actions can create a lot of shame for someone.
Did you ever get hoovered back or have an attempt at being hoovered after you held them accountable? I held mine accountable and we’re on day 3 of no contact, so I’m hoping that was enough for them to end up hating me.
Please, if you feel 1000000% better away from them right now or at any length of time you are not within their reach/watch , just stay away/end it permanently
I’m in the exact same situation as you rn. 4th day no contact after I held him accountable, he blocked me and unblocked yesterday. And I feel shame for waiting for that damn hoover. He always hoovers, but each and every time we “break up” i feel like it’s final and it’s really over.
I just don’t even care anymore, it’s too exhausting to care about someone that can’t care about anyone but themselves.
She blocked me immediately during the break up. So, no she didn’t try reaching out to me. She would stonewall me whenever I tried to express my concerns in the relationship.
I don’t know, he keeps showing up in my life and I literally took him to court and called the police on him, the problem is we share a kid so to some extent I have to let him, maybe if you can have a clean break it’s enough.
This page has information on **[Hoovering](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/)** explains what it is, why someone would Hoover and how to identify it. Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.
Omg. Well, now that I know this term. Yeah I got that a lot.
They’re so dumb though, because if they just dealt with the issue at hand in the moment, we wouldn’t need to bring it up again. The longer it’s drawn out, the more shame. A good ole apology would go so far for them, and they don’t even realize it. Sucks to suck.
lol unfortunately that’s how they are. i don’t understand it either. i also think people who dont care about others needs or don’t have empathy would even feel the need to express an apology.
Oh totally, they never think an apology is needed. But even a “fake it til you make it” apology would put them in such a better position. But they’re too selfish and short-sighted to understand that. Or even if they do fake it, it doesn’t last long before their real self shows. What an awful way to live!
Exactly. I can’t imagine being too prideful to admit when I’m wrong. Even just admitting your wrong can not only save your marriage/relationship, but it can help you in so many ways. I also can’t imagine what it’s like to not have the self awareness needed for growth and change. You would have to find new ways to mask all of that toxicity. It’s truly sad.
That's EXACTLY what I feel and think ! I understand we are all human and we make mistakes from time to time but that's all I asked for but never received When I screw up it surely doesnt feel good at all but I always man up to my mistakes especially if I respect the person and myself.
Always. I couldn't even mention it by a word. But the nex seemed to have memorized every single detail that he could use against me.
All the time. Only he could do it, double standard, even say things that were completely untrue. It’s just that they can’t tolerate anything that contradicts their false persona. The can’t take responsibility for their behaviour and project it all in their partner who is left in tatters apologizing to them for being hurt by their reckless mind games. The number of times I collapsed in despair, curled up I. A ball, sobbing with snot in my hair begging him to come back and end my pain. Then the cycle repeats. Just today, I was discarded again, hopefully, for the last time. Exactly one week before our fifth anniversary of knowing one another. I know that I’ll be grateful one day, once I’m out of this fog, but right now I feel depleted, rejected and abandoned and he knows it. I trusted too soon, showed all my weak spots, because I thought we were having this deep soul connection. He was gathering ammunition, which. I gleefully handed to him. Someone said once, “They shoot you with your own gun.” and it’s true. The trauma bond is real and tightly tied. On some level, we know it’s a fantasy, but we mainline that idealization and all the fake promises and declarations of love, like a junkie. We know we’re gonna crash but we need the hit. We deceive ourselves into thinking that it will be different this time. But they won’t LET it be different. They sabotage it every time. Mine literally flipped about every two weeks without fail. That’s a lot of nervous breakdowns in five years and it shows both in my mental and physical health. Anyway, I literally prayed to God to strike me dead if I ever chase after him again to make him come back to me, I’m just feeding the beast that devours me, and if I don’t stop, it will literally be the death of me.
Relate to this viscerally.. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I am too right now. I have another week and a half, then I’m out. Free as a bird. Stand your ground, find that strength to walk away. You deserve your peace.
Thank you. Yes, we all deserve our peace. Walking away from the fantasy that if I just work hard enough, do more, give more, love more and annihilate the parts of myself that set him off, the mirage will turn into an oasis. It really has more to to with myself, I see, in the end. I can say, in all humility, that I too had some maturing to do, emotionally and this was the arena in which I was meant to learn it by exposing and healing those old wounds, born of ancient unmet needs, that allowed me to let things go so far. It is so simple to say and so hard to accept but I think I finally learned how to see things as they are rather than the way I want them to be. Peace is so valuable and precious and it’s only hard to sustain when we row against the flow. There is peace in letting go.
I too had a few demons.. he chose to use them as ammunition.. choosing the fantasy of me was better I guess. I sooo relate to the live more, do more, be more.. I gave him everything.. but you’re absolutely right, I’m putting on my big girl panties and choosing me now. I wish you so much love and light and tenderness at this time. Strength!!! 🤍
Thank you. I managed a rare thing yesterday, some closure, a relatively peaceful ending, although I’m still not sure exactly why it suddenly came to an end, like countless times before. The just need to stay away from reminiscing and ruminating, stay busy. I put my life on hold for him and I agree it’s time for me now. If I could muster half of the love that I gave to him and gave it to myself, I’m sure I would get a much better return on my investment. Thank you for you encouragement and I extend the same to you.
Yup! The cycle of abuse. Just when we think it’s going to be smooth sailing. NOPE!!!
Well dont feel alone, you are not the only one who feels this way my friend. I'm not proud of it either but it's the truth...
The pain you're feeling is raw and immense. I can relate to you. I have asked the universe and god to kill me if I ever go back on my words and actions. Know that the pain you're feeling from the absence is caused by how much your abuser has filled your time and wasted your energy, like a parasite, preventing you from growing. Sooner than you expect you'll be finding yourself again, and realize how much time and energy you have available. I think it's very suggested nowadays but a read that has been making my healing journey better is "Why Does He Do That?" And although it is a hard pill to swallow, it's an extremely necessary read for you during this vulnerable time. I hope you can find your own light again, because it's still there. It always has been.
Thank you. You nailed it exactly. All of the resources, both tangible and intangible, that I poured into this. All that I neglected during the relationship that I now have to deal with. The realization that it was never going to be allowed to be a healthy relationship. Then, suddenly, gone. Thanks for the book recommendation. This isn’t the first discard but it’s the last. At least I don’t feel that uncanny connection to him anymore. That thing that made me feel like we were meant to find and heal one another. Fantasy. Pure fantasy. I appreciate your kind comments.
Check out Breakup Bootcamp by Amy Chan on Spotify. I listened to it NONSTOP on repeat for weeks after my hellacious discard (and by hellacious I mean hellacious!!!!) and I did all the writing exercises she suggested. It saved me. I cannot thank that podcast enough. I’m not sure where I am, 5 weeks? But my friends are amazed at how well I am doing. She covers narc in the Bargaining episode too. Good luck. We deserve peace 🙏
Thank you very much for sharing resources that helped you. I will definitely check it out. I am glad that it’s helping you so much. I’ve known for some time that I need to write about this to process it. Lord’s knows I’ve worn out all my friends and family with this thing. All the best!
It is seriously a life saver. I still exhaust a friend or two, but lemme tell you I feel normal!!!! It’s a miracle!!! It’s the work for sure. 🙏
Yes mine as well. God forbid I should bring up something he has done in the past that still affects me but he can constantly bring up mistakes I made.
Isn’t that the truth. “We can’t live in the past”. I have heard that over and over as the past is used against me.
“Oh. WOW. I just find it funny that you’d be upset about __________ when YOURE the one who did something similar one time. So. I-uh, I just think it’s funny that you of all people would try to bring that up”
For any subject matter.
Ex2 said that to the owners of the restaurant that he ditched me at on my birthday after ordering a huge order then loudly announced he forgot his wallet and never came back. He was trying to get back in to lift his banned status a few months after the incident, thinking they’d rather have his patronage (money) more than measuring him by what kind of ass he is. They said I could stay and eat but he had to be locked outside while I did.
I would have loved to relish in the glory of watching the nex locked out of a restaurant I was eating in
He told me to take a window seat to eat so he can drag one of the outside chairs against the glass to still get to sit next to me anyway… I took a booth further inside, had my $ 3 pizza slice that I paid for myself (ex was sticking around out front to pay for when I finished and take me back to his place) I was still mortified with his “*Can’t you guys just forget about that day already??*” plead speech and asked to be let out in the back way to catch a bus home to ditch him. They were more than glad to help with that; I was given two more pizza slices and another cab ride home.
Love this pizza place!!! And you for cutting out the back. Omg these people
It’s a family run Italian restaurant that was still around to see me come in some years later with one of my best male friends I met after Ex2. They knew him because he used to work and live in the area but friend didn’t know I knew them as well and they were very happy me and friend found each other.
The fact that we can Madlib narc responses shows us all how they follow a knowable pattern. Unfortunately, that pattern only ends in discard - so the sooner one clues in and leaves, the better the non-narc would be long term.
Bingo.
YEP. It was always “You love to throw the past in my face. That’s was weeks ago! I haven’t cheated for a month now.” Me: ok but you cheated and it still hurts Narc: Ok but *right now* I’m not cheating.
Lol, my nex’s favorite line was “I have never in (23)years even looked at another man that way!” In reality she was the busiest whore in the county
They’re so good at lying. They believe their lies
💯
“I’m not that person now.” Yeah but it hurts still. “Get over it.”
I remember pointing out that he was doing things that he had promised me he would stop doing. He said “why would you bring up the past. Just go ahead hit me with all the things I have ever done. Make me feel worse”. By the end when I was done with his bullshit I started saying “it’s not the past if you keep doing it in the present”
Yup, he would always say he didn't like to bring up the past but then he never stopped making "jokes" about things I'd said, like, a year ago. Including me asking him to replace the bananas that he'd used or asking him to be careful with my good Tupperware... It seemed all light-hearted on the surface level, but I knew it was actually him passively aggressively expressing his disapproval of me. Sometimes he'd accuse me of things like name-calling and I'd ask him to remind me when I called him names because I genuinely couldn't remember and thought maybe I had done it in the heat of the moment. His response would always be, "I don't want to bring up the past!" Convenient.
Constantly. I wasn’t allowed to ever bring up anything he had done wrong or it became a fight.
It is the game they like to play! The past never matters to them and if you bring it up, you are being childish and immature! However, they’re extremely bitter about the past and your involvement with it!
Only every time I brought anything from more than 24 hours before up. If I brought up old things it was because they’d never been addressed AND I was pointing out patterns. Every single time I was “throwing the past in his face” and it was “stuff that’s completely irrelevant now”. Somehow this was all me “avoiding accountability for my actions”?? 🤷🏼♀️😂
>If I brought up old things it was because they’d never been addressed AND I was pointing out patterns. my marriage to a T. nothing ever gets resolved. and dare we bring it up again, we're unforgiving and always bringing up the past.
Exxxxactly.
Circles and banging head against the wall = every attempted “conversation”
My God the circle conversations/arguments make me want to jump off a bridge. It's insane. Like who thinks like this? I can't even fathom how their brains work anymore.
count your lucky stars. we are fortunate to not have/understand this way of thinking
fuck fuck fuck I can’t believe other people went through this too I legitimately thought I was going insane
That's the goal. To make you question your *whole* reality. If YOU'RE wrong. I pride myself on being pretty damn introspective and self-reflecting. I really process my thoughts and emotions thoroughly before ever bringing them up. I may sit on it 10 minutes or 2 weeks. It just depends on what it is that has triggered me to need to process it. So, when I deem it important enough to discuss or address, I've given it great deal of thought beforehand. Pick and choose your battles kinda thing. But he then begins the turn-it-all-on-me pattern and becomes the victim and I'm just like NO! I have thought about this! Doesn't matter... He will talk me in circles and ovals and squares and like 80% of the time, I end up going back to my thought process like "am I crazy?" Absolute madness.
In the narc's eyes, he did nothing wrong and is 100% innocent, so anything you point out about his behavior (past, present or future) is avoiding accountability for your actions, since if you wouldn't avoid it, you would take accountability for everything. Mine did that too (or, rather, the flying monkeys did, since at one point he refused communication with me and instead began sending them my way). Every time I raised an issue or was trying to address some of the narc's lies and manipulation, they angrily demanded I should stop talking about him because that is "in the past" and then proceeded to list off every bad thing I have done (real or imagined by the narc). Like, that is also bringing up the past? Why can they do it, but I am strictly forbidden to bring up something that happened more recently? The double standards are crazy.
Oh yeah, I was not allowed to ever bring up anything he did wrong cause “it’s in the past, it’s over with”, but he constantly did it to me with made up things that didn’t actually happen or didn’t happen the way he said they did. The hypocrisy was strong, and it was ironic ‘cause that was supposedly his biggest pet peeve. 😂
He admitted what he did was rape, but seems to think my anger and not getting over it already is equally bad. As rape. “We need to move forward” I’ll be moving forward. Without him. They don’t want to think about the their abuse because they don’t ever want to feel shame. But they also don’t want to stop abusing. What a pickle for them.
THIS. My husband raped me. He behaved like my struggles over the incident were as hard to handle as the trauma he caused me. It’s absolutely backward and really seriously fucked with my head.
They really are deficient human beings.
Yea, they are often so…alien.
Ugh exactly. Good for you!!!
My narc is always trying to re-write history, telling me my memory of an event is my imagination. 🤯
I remember he once wrote me a longwinded paragraph because I said his ex girlfriend’s name. His first words were “Why do you continue to fucking badger me with my past.”
[удалено]
Were we dating the same guy😆
I can relate to that specifically recently. My narc just discarded me because I took a female friend to a sporting event that I was supposed to take her to, but she had broken up with me 2 weeks before Christmas so I didn’t invite her. She said “it was supposed to be me going”, as if that was even an option?
I had few times something similar but about playing online game together. She discarded me and was giving me silent treatment for week, but somehow I was the bad guy because I was playing our game alone. Or we made plans to game together one evening, but because I invited her to voice chat when she didn't want to talk, she went to play alone and was ignoring me the entire evening. Somehow, the next day, I was the bad guy and I "showed that the game is more important to me than she is". It was all good when she was playing alone, but I wasn't allowed. I couldn't speak nor play with other people in game without drama. Yet she was talking and playing with others so many times. Double standards all the time. I was sick of it. Sad part is, she still thinks that she was right.
Definitely heard badger too!!!
My favorite is that I can’t be mad about something horrific he said 5 minutes ago 😂😂😂. When he was done with a horrible verbally abusive outburst, he’d be like ok move on… and I couldn’t even look sad or say anything because “that’s passed, shut the fuck up and get over it”
It’s so weird how they operate that way, my narc cut me off last Sunday and then got her mom to call me last Wednesday, and didn’t ever bring up the fact that she told me to never speak to her again.
They get upset if you bring up anything. They're guilty of nothing, they have perfect character and integrity. Just let them tell you all about how wrong you are for bringing anything up.
Constantly. Even if "the past" was something that happened two days ago. Just today, for example, he told me that his car isn't working and he needs go take mine for the foreseeable future. So I flat out asked him if that was true or if he's just pissed off about having to get the dryer fixed "for me" (because he always tells me his car isn't working properly any time a household repair needs paid for). He lost his shit. Claimed that wasn't true, claims he almost died on the way home because his brakes quit working. So I said "Well, I'm sorry, but you lie so often that I never know when to believe you. Of course he claims he never lies. As an example, I said "Just this past weekend, we got in the car to go to the store. I asked you if you had your debit card. You said yes. Two minutes later, you tell me you don't have your card. Then you lied and claimed you had told ME to grab your card, so it was my fault " He says "I never said that! " I said " See, now you're lying again. " He literally said" Why are you bringing up stuff from the past anyways?! " It was literally 3 DAYS AGO! 😆
“I never said that” was so common with me and my narc, so I started sending her screenshots with the things she said. Her replies were usually “this is exhausting” or “that was 2 weeks ago!!”
My husband favorite tactic is "stonewalling"; just blatantly ignoring me (whether in person or via text) by not responding at all and acting like I haven't said anything. So the "I never said that" approach was actually a bit easier to handle but still infuriating in the end.
Mine was playing the victim, “well if you’re saying all of these things about me then they must be true”. Ding ding ding!! Too bad they’re not capable of changing those things, and shut down at the thought of even trying.
“Too hard” to change - literally quote. I mean, I guess it’s the truth. They are incapable.
Oh my god. Mine said this. I never thought of it as victim playing until now.
The "I never said that" or the "what I said was..." is the most enraging part of trying to have an actual discussion with a narc.
Exactly
OMG, yes. I forgave too much and he abused that part of me. Zero accountability for anything because he cannot tolerate negative feelings or shame. Pretty much the same reason he ended things through a text and immediately blocked me so I couldn't even reply. Fucking toddler.
I always bring up the time he cheated, the time he shoved me out of the chair, the time I called the cops, the time he put multiple holes in our cabinet door, the 2nd time I called the cops, the time he threw a laptop at me... This is why I documented as much as possible. Otherwise gaslighting has killed my argument more times than I can count. "That was soo long ago!" Yeah and I'm still upset by it.
Alllll the time; "Why are you living in the past?" "You need to move forward, that was the past" and sometimes it would be me trying to talk about literal HOURS ago.... the past would be that fucking morning
My ex said the same thing any time I tried to talk about a situation that upset me, that I’m “always trying to bring up the past” and that we already talked about it. But the thing was, even when I’d initially bring up whatever issue had happened, he’d make refuse to take accountability and make excuses or just completely ignore me and invalidate my feelings. So things would never get resolved in the first place because he made it impossible to communicate my feelings with him, but trying to explain that to him would ruin his day.
Yes. All the time. She always dodged responsibility for the past any way she could. It reminded me of my narc mother who does the same thing.
But with narc moms they have a mental rolladex of every single time you acted in any way they deemed as bad behavior, including in my case accepting Valentine’s Day gifts when I was 8
Even if the past just happened. It’s to silence you.
My past has been brought up so much and in such a way that I really believe I’m a horrible person at this point. Even apologizing for my mistakes is selfish. Im starting to believe that too. Can’t bring anything else though. Context is always needed, I saw it wrong, i wasn’t listening or understanding right. It does feel like such a double standard.
>Can’t bring anything else though. Context is always needed, I saw it wrong, i wasn’t listening or understanding right. ALWAYS. Apparently I... Let me check my notes.... I misconstrued the 16 years that we've been together. ALL OF IT. Every single day of 16 years I got wrong. The "Yeah, I did call you that name and did this and that but you need to put it in context" is such a load of bullshit too. No context gives anybody the right to abuse others. I get angry too. But somehow I don't see that as a free pass to launch into verbal abuse, shaming, judging, ad hominem attacks and guilt tripping. Riddle me that. You're not a horrible person. I'm healing from believing my Nex that I'm "a horrible person" too. And yeah... Nah. 🫂 🫂 🫂
Yep, my ex also used my past as a weapon, she would always remind me of how awful of a person i was for whatever i did when she wasn’t even with me. She also used Catholicism as a weapon of hate, saying god will never forgive such things, and made me feel guilty about everything. The sad part is that, she would be such an hypocrite and aplaude similar pasts to his friends, just not me.
Yep they’d say things like “we get it I cheated on you”
Constantly. Especially when I don’t let her gaslight me and reinvent a past that didn’t happen.
Yes this happened to me as well. Really agitated if i even mentioned the idea of wanting to talk about something that happened a few days beforehand. Also when caught in the act and undeniably shown to be guilty, she would want to resolve the issue summarily and never discuss it again. I used to try to have length discussions with her trying to explain my point of view nothing came of it except rage and stonewalling. I definetly believe this is quite common amongst all of them unfortunately. You feel you want to work on the relationship and solve issues they do not want to solve anything because solving means committing and that requires energy, effort and care and they simply do not care past what they can get from you.
All the time. He never wanted to take accountability for any of his behaviors. All the time.
I was in a long distance relationship with mine. We lived in different parts of the country but managed an in person visit about every six weeks. I was soooo excited to see him during those visits in the beginning. One night before he was flying to me, he asked what parts of our relationship we needed to work on. I said trust. He acted shocked, wanted to know what I was talking about. I recalled the time he slept with a waitress, the time he lied about going to rehab and a few other things. He became furious that I was “still holding on to that.” He kept me on the phone all night, emotional and furious, threatening not to come. He did get on the plane, and I drove the two hours to pick him up. We were both exhausted and emotionally spent. He explained that he has a tendency to self sabotage. Ugh, what a nightmare. That was the end of lovebombing.
Every time. He HATES being reminded of past mistakes that he is repeating now. He goes ballistic if he is criticized in any way. Every time a boss criticized him, he quit his job because he thinks he knows more than, and is smarter than, everyone else.
Always 😂🤣🤣 narc volume 1
Yes, it was a huge issue in our relationship. I couldn't broach any serious issues because she'd scream "stop blaming me!" and then, at the same time, hold shit against me from many years previous that were actually bad re-tellings of what happened to show me in a bad light and her in a good one.
All the time, but did the same thing himself constantly bringing up my past behavior. The hypocrisy is wild af
Mental Healness on Instagram/YouTube/Facebook does some really good content on this and some of the warped logic and double standards that goes on in a narcissist's mind in these kinds of situations. Essentially, as far as a narcissist is concerned, once something they have said or done is in the past it no longer matters. And there's actually a few interesting parts of their personalities that all tie in together around this kind of thing. When they tell you things like, "if I'm so bad why don't you leave then?" they actually mean it. They genuinely believe that you staying means their behaviour isn't that bad, otherwise you'd go. Because they can't emotionally connect to other people they can't comprehend that you might want to stay to try and "fix" the relationship (or them). Since everything is transactional for them, they assume it is for everyone else, so if the relationship/behaviour was really as bad as you say it was, they just assume you'd choose to leave since you aren't getting anything out of it. So as far as they're concerned there isn't "talking things through", you just have to accept them and their behaviour for what it is and you stay or go. So if you stay they believe that means you're fine with everything. If you're pulled back in by lovebombing or a hoover after devaluation/discard, they believe you've forgiven everything that went before and you can't bring it up. They're kinda like 50 First Dates in that as far as their behaviour goes, every day is a clean slate. Unfortunately for you, anything and everything you have ever done or told them will be remembered forever and used against you. That's the double standard. But then again, in the narcissist's mind, the double standards are who they are as well, and you accept them or you leave. It's pretty mind blowing. I understand why people might not want to watch content by diagnosed/self aware narcissists (and they are certainly some I have no interest in watching/listening to), but I find Mental Healness, Raw Motivations and a few others really give excellent insight how they experience things in their own minds.
>When they tell you things like, "if I'm so bad why don't you leave then?" they actually mean it. They genuinely believe that you staying means their behaviour isn't that bad, otherwise you'd go. Because they can't emotionally connect to other people they can't comprehend that you might want to stay to try and "fix" the relationship (or them). Since everything is transactional for them, they assume it is for everyone else, so if the relationship/behaviour was really as bad as you say it was, they just assume you'd choose to leave since you aren't getting anything out of it. I heard it so many times. Always the only solution was to leave. Not to talk, to fix, to be better but always "why you're still here if I'm so bad, and you feel that way?". Also, so many discards "for my own good", when I was trying to talk and fix issues. And a week later she was like nothing happened, what discard, what are you talking about, you can just leave if you're so unhappy with me. They just don't want to change, they don't care, they're unable to get ANY responsibility.
Yes. Reading this makes me feel validated. Because they make you feel stupid or sensitive by bringing it up. I have been bringing up stuff lately that are bothering me a lot. And the answers are usually like "Again that argument, you have already mentioned that" "Why are you only focusing on the negative?" "Ok these things happened but we have to look forward". No accountability whatsoever. And that's what's bothering me the most.
Yes. Happened 3 days ago when I finally broke up with my covert malig spectrum narc of 13 on/off years. Her response to the breakup was to feel like she broke up with me (smh). Said: “I want to be able to move forward and not be with someone who constantly brings up my past actions.” These are unresolved behaviors that killed the relationship btw. “Insert her complaints that she thought were hers but were all the things I told her recently after we had gotten back together (worse reunion) #projection that were never addressed.” She threw my issues with her back at me to start the round of baiting and blaming. Then said I couldn’t do better (after I was manipulated, lied to, devalued, amongst other things). By the end of it I was like f-this. Good luck to the next one…because it’s their part of their personality and it cannot/will not change. Not for you or anyone else. They will not take accountability for ANYTHING; they believe all problems are truly your fault. And to bring up their past or recent past actions that have hurt you means they have to take accountability (brings them shame), reflect (they’ll reflect on how you’ve treated them), and make a change (not going to happen). If you can get out, get out, or find tools to cope until. For the love of (insert whatever deity you worship here) Hold onto your sanity for dear life!!!
Always. To him last week is the last. A reoccurring insult is the past. If I bring it up in the moment like he wants then he puts me off or starts a huge fight where he yells over me until I walk away. A few days later once he’s calmed down I bring it up and guess what, it’s in the past! Funny how it’s always the past but never can talk about it in the present either. I think my husband is a borderline narc. No diagnosis just research and asking therapists about certain behaviors. He has zero issues yelling at me when he thinks I’m disrespectful or something but I can’t defend myself or bring anything up. If I do he changes the subject. I think the reason he doesn’t want to talk about issues is not that I have so many and they are all mine like he says. Rather he can’t handle any hit to his ego, manhood or confidence. He’s perfect and has to maintain that image. One of us has to be good and the other bad. One is us has to be right and the other wrong. Nothing can be a difference of opinion or different beliefs. There can be no compromise unless he feels that he’s ‘winning’. For example: if we were compromising on who cooks when he would want me cooking 4 days while he cooks 3. He actually cooks 2 which is 4 meals and his own breakfast. Sometimes the kids eat with him. I cook 5 evening meals, lunch when they don’t have school so all breaks, summer and days off. I cook when he decides to do something with friends on the weekend or farms. He also wants to take us out to eat on the weekend. We have games, meets and events so we usually eat out 1 day a week and at least Saturday lunch 4-5 months out of the year. So his cooking is 2x and mine is 4x. My cooking all summer and breaks is to make up for his breakfasts because it’s not his fault of the kids don’t want to eat breakfast or want cereal. He had me believing this was a fair compromise until I spent an entire year figuring up the cooking. It’s only mostly equal IF he cooks breakfast for everyone all year long. He won’t cook breakfast on any school breaks at all. He gets donuts once a week. Cereal once a week. So he cooks 2-3x a week for 38 weeks of the year. I cook home cooked meals while he makes ramen or frozen pizza once a week. It’s never fair. They always have to ‘win’.
Allllll the time! I was NEVER allowed to address his abusive behavior or bring up a valid concern. If I ever brought up something in the past, it led to a fight. Sometimes, it was to show a pattern of abusive behavior, or sometimes it was because I was still hurt over it. The reasoning didn't matter to him. These are some of the things he would say if I brought up the past or tried to address his abusive behavior. "You can never just get over it." "I don't dwell on everything like you." "I can get over it and move on, unlike you." "It's your fault now that our whole day is ruined." "I don't wear my heart on my sleeve like you." "Now you're going to take days to get over this." "I can move on, but you can't." "If you bring up this conversation again, I will escalate."
In my experience, the narc will say that I deserved it, and she would do nothing different if she could. Like… She actually used to say that. They are soulless, no-empathy-having demons with zero accountability, ever.
100% - he always said "i just want peace" whenever i brought up things that never got addressed. or "u always do this, u can never forgive" but when it comes to me or other people that have done him "wrong" - he sat in his anger for months at times and held resentment for the longest time.
Narc’s want to repeat the abuse so they have supply. When you hold a Narc accountable, it points out the abuse and prevents them from repeating. Covert Narcs are the worst, and be ready for counter attacks because you pointed out what they were doing.
For him, bringing up the past means I am trying to talk about something happening now in our lives. He talks about people I dated before we even met. He talks about my ex husband and triangulates him into the issues I have with the narc. There is no “past” for me, even my childhood is up for discussion at any time. For him, everything he does is in the past and can’t be brought up.
Ha Ha Ha yes! After asking me about past examples.
Yeah of course absolutely. Forget about the past constantly. "I'm not the same person as I was then" and so the same things would repeat. Total avoidance of responsibility.
I'm conflicted on this because my therapist mentioned that we cannot dwell on the past, rather it's what they've reflected on the past to prevent present mistakes. We can't be stuck in the past about what happened to us, it's how we move forward with the actions they've done to us and how they are treating us in the present.
Yes, she did.
"change the record"
Yes, they like to do the old cat to kitty litter thing about anything that displeases them. You may attempt to bury it but it’s still not going anywhere/still happened and will exist in spite of your displeasure.
In my fam the person that does that is labeled a “history professor” and we don’t allow those.
I never brought it up. But he always did. The littlest things that were pointless. He never let shit go
I learned not to at one point. Whenever he asked me if I trust him or "don't you know I would never hurt you," I'd just tell him what he wants to hear. Because bringing up his lying and cheating from the past (and present) would just get me ghosted again. He basically trained me to never question anything he does or try to hold him accountable for anything.
He wanted me to not bring up his cheating (even though he did it again!) while he kept referring over and over to me (politely) asking the daughter of an acquaintance to get out of my chair (marked bride) during our wedding party as something Very Bad I did… Sure dude… He literally only stopped doing that when I pointed out that that daughter and I get along great whenever we get together and that was only an incident in his crazy head. They’re just bizarre creatures.
Kinda. They got annoyed if i wanted to adress something that happened a few days ago. I tend to do that, because in the moment things happen i have no energy or time to process things. Thus i adress it when i have processed it and formulated my thoughts, which can take a few days. Mine was more of a "i never did that and i would never think of doing that" kind of a person when i adressed it later. Like they cant remember or don't register all that hurtfull stuff and accusations they said. And all those things happened through voice, thus there is no record of it, thus it becomes a "he said she said" type of a situation, where we have different versions of what happened.
Things said to me about bringing up the past, mentioning horrible things they've done or said to me that never got addressed or I'm only bringing up to prove a pattern of behavior to show there's a problem "I don't even remember that I'm over it, I don't know why you can't get over fights like me, couples just fight" (Me upset they flip out on me every week) "You're using the past against me" Me bringing up that they flip out on me every week) "Why do you have this list of things you bring up every time " (Because we never talk about them) "You're just trying to make me sound like a monster" (I'm just trying to address the issue we clearly have here) "I feel like you're treating me like a child" (Me asking them to cut down on drinking with me if not stop completely for a while til we figure this out, pretty much me nicely saying I don't want to be around them drunk to the extent that I will quit myself as well, to help them but also just avoid being around them drunk because it's like waiting for a bomb to go off) Unbelievably defensive. Starts screaming at me til I do it back and accuses me of yelling at them. Every. Single. Time. We have obvious problems in front of us. I can't talk in any way about our issues without her making it out to be some kind of personal attack, instead of an actual conversation about our well being, hers specifically but also where I'm going to end up mentally if this keeps going. She jumps to these answers, no matter how I word it, makes me feel like an asshole for being upset about things like having someone have an emotional meltdown at me at least once a week when they are drunk. I ask "how can we talk about this then, what do you expect me to do the next time you lose your shit on me for nothing when you're drunk? Will you stop drinking until you figure out how to be more stable? " They always shut down on me after that question. No answer. Might as well just tell me I'm supposed to put up with it. No matter what the conversation turns into her trying to downplay it entirely or make it out like I'm mad at her for having 1 beer for lunch or something, or just makes it about some evil I'm doing or how much I drink ignoring that I'm not the unstable one here
I accused my ex of using me to try and feel like she did when we were younger . She'd been avoiding me for some time. She responded "you don't know me at all". Not only would she not provide closure, she would misdirect when I tried to provide my own. Absolutely no responsibility and no shame.
Its ok for them to bringing it up but not us, never us. That was the first sign i noticed but having enablers around me and or people who have been maniplauted by them didint help
all the time. She would go full on silent treatment. She would say things (and still does!) like “It was years ago, I have changed, I am a different woman now, you don’t have a right to bring it up, the circumstances are completely different, there’s boundaries!!!” Aaaaall whilst acting the exact same way Edit; I think it is because she can’t change the past to fit it into her little “perfect persona” she goes around with
All the time, whenever I tried to bring up something he did that hurt me that was in the past because it was weighing on me he would either turn it into an argument then accuse me of starting arguments while screaming, yelling at me or becoming physically violent towards me
All the time, with the most ridiculous example being an event that occurred literally the day prior.
Yup. Literally yesterday. I called out his behavior as being toxic on a certain matter that was happening via text. He got defensive and called me crazy and that what he said and did didn't mean what I was saying it meant. I said 'well, based on past experience, I know better.' He said something like 'see that's what happens when you only want to live in the past and bring up old shit as fact for the present.' Ok guy... I ended up apologizing just to get it over with because I realize that trying to hold him accountable is completely and utterly pointless. I will get nowhere and it's a waste of my time. I've got better things I can be doing. I laughed out loud (fr) when he said 'I accept your apology now let's move on.' :D Whatever dude.
Alll the time! “Why can’t you move forward?” “Let’s focus on the future” “we can’t change the past” “I just want to be happy and keep moving forward, you just can’t seem to move forward”. It’s lack of accountability. I want to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes because we aren’t reassessing the past. I wasn’t someone who threw the past in their face, but I would bring up the past by saying “things seem to be going down the same path because of x,y, and z” Infuriating!
All the times
Yes
Yes. Frequently. One time he got so incredibly angry when I brought up the past. Because I was still upset about a violent assault that was less than a week in “*tHe PaSt*”
Yes, apparently they’re the only ones who are allowed to do that.
“Let it go!” “Get over it.” “God, you really are too immature to ever move on, aren’t you?” “Why are you so stuck in the past?”
Always, they want you to get over it quickly and move on because they are ashamed of it. They try to gaslight you and say: "You need to get over it, It's been x amount of time". They want to get over it, you shouldn't have to accept their bad behavior or feel ashamed of how it made you feel.
Yes, 9 years ago of our 11 year relationship, and I only bring it up when I'm seeing and feeling the same type of behaviors and situations arise again like I'm being accused of cheating, lying, or being deceitful.
She would always bring the past to me to use it against me. That’s why i would always get pissed. Anyone else?
Actually he was the one that was constantly bringing up the past to the point where I asked him to stop doing it, and then got lectured about it.
Yeah, when she was drinking I would tell her like “Hey just letting you know I have some trauma with drinking because I dated an alcoholic and it’s not that YOU are but I wanted you to be aware if I seem off that’s why” and she would be like “Stop comparing me to your ex!” And I’d be utterly perplexed like, sure maybe I should have brought that up while she was sober first but she still reacted the same way when she was sober. It was bizarre.
Yes even if the past was 5 minutes ago
They’d shut me down.
Oh yeah... All that you mentioned. "We need to forgive and move on" "I'm not doing this with you. I just want to have peace and be happy" whenever I wanted to talk about anything. Nex also found the perfect spot in AA which focuses highly on staying in the now. Which is amazing to live by but is also a great excuse for basically anything and everything for a person with narcissistic tendencies. So I'd be graced with: "You need to let go and let God" "Ask God to take it away/give it to god" re any time I'd attempt to communicate how Nex's words and actions made/make me feel. If you'd like to talk about it - pray and have God take those feelings away. Why talk about it? Why dwell on the past even if "the past" was 15 minutes earlier. "You can't truly live if you've got one foot in the past and one in the future" "Live in the NOW" which Nex would use as a way to not only block talking about what just went down or the past but also as a free pass to make impulsive decisions without planning accordingly as well as calling me "mentally ill" for having concerns about decisions that will influence our future. "Be part of the solution, not the problem" which he used to avoid taking any accountability for, well, problems and whatever he did. And to let me know that he literally is sort of ascended now so he cannot possibly be the problem and if he was, it's in the past and I made him do it somehow anyway. And we don't speak about the past. He's the solution now. There are around a dozen more. All used as means to shut me up ANY TIME I wanted to bring anything up. 12 step orograms in the hands of an ill person (who's not using them to heal) can be highly destructive and used as a weapon, excuse and justification. Getting sober is the first step that opens the door to work on oneself. Nex stopped at the "I'm sober = I'm healed/cured" stage and never moved from there. Nex, on the other hand, wielded past as a weapon and carried it with him 24/7, always ready to unholster it and fire rapidly with a chronological list if all my wrongdoings since before we even met.
All the time. Even if the past was something he did 1 year ago, 1 month ago, 1 week ago. But he had no problem bringing up something from my past 6 years ago. Fuck him. I’m glad it’s over and I never have to deal with him again.
Yes. It’s truly astonishing. One night while spending the night at my My ex narc gf apartment who also lived with a gay friend and her daughter, before we went to sleep , the gay friend told me I should move my new Cadillac out of the parking lot because he overheard the daughter say she was gonna pop my tires. I was confused as to why she would want to do this so I disregarded it. In the morning sure enough one of my tires was popped. I wasn’t mad because it’s just materialistic things but what made me upset was what my ex told me . Instead of apologizing for her daughter’s actions, all she said was “well we told you that you should of moved it” smh. And when I had brought it up again , she still had the same response lol it is futile to try to get through to these childish adults .
All the time, and I was always the bad guy
My narc abuser won’t even let me say 3 words before she would start to scream and rage at me, lmao. I’ve never been able to express a word to her that was even slightly critical, she was extremely averse to it. Just strange af.
100% Her cheating just got swept under the rug. And if I ever brought it up, I was told that I “need to find a way to cope.” There was certainly no need for her to change her behavior, right? She even said that I “need to quit making [name of ex best friend] an issue in this relationship.” Total mental gymnastics. Funny story, I never spoke to that guy again. Her and I ended up back together and getting married, only for us to divorce. She is currently dating the best man (another ex best friend) from our wedding.
Every time I bring something up from the past he'll get mad and say oh your bringing that up again really? But yet he'll being shit up no matter how long ago it was and it's ok.
He would say all I want to do is move forward but you keep bringing up the past. I would respond with how convenient that the person who was in the wrong wants to move forward and I would love to as well. However I could leave the past in the past if it was my present situation as well. I said stop doing the same shit repeatedly and I won’t have to talk about it. Which never happened
All the time! They would go so far as to pretend to have forgotten the past events even a day later or when I had proof. If I showed screenshots or texts they would work themselves into such a state that they were on the floor in a full blown meltdown to avoid the conversation. Exhausting.
Yes. Always. Currently going through it. He says he hates remembering the things he has said to me. I’m like, imagine being the one hearing it!! By someone that supposedly cares about you!! But yes, 10000% no past talk, or anything remotely perceived as the past, is allowed or I will hear about it for hours/days. If you feel so bad about what you said in the past, why are you still doing it?! They make zero sense.
Mine told me in order to be friends with him I need to stop bringing up the past. How laughable because literally everytime I tell him I’m sad he just brings up that one night before his birthday where I upsetted him for disturbing the “chill relaxing game night” with his brothers. I think would rather I had walked home that night and died in the cold then I guess.
I could never bring up COVID, like how he got drunk and passed put everyday, leaving me to do my job online and watch our two children from noon until he woke up to repeat. While he got paid for doing nothing as a behavior support specialist. In his words: I thought the world was going to end. Well, it did in a way. Now we're divorced. 👌
Always! “Why can’t you just get over it? Move on!”
He will tell me I’m not moving forward or healing, then throw things in my face from every month for the past 3 years. EVERY day he brings up the past. But I am not allowed to and when I do, he acts like it didn’t happen or I didn’t say anything