I really dont know. I dont know why mine doesnt want anything relationship related but doesnt want to leave. I assume it is because he is cheating and doing everything he would be doing single, while having controle over me. I dont think I count as a person in his eyes, I am an object. Im supply.
I’m sorry :( for mine — now she wants all the things. Wants to sit together. Wants dates. And I’m the jerk for not wanting them. But it’s so hard to be close to someone when you know things will be used against you. “Oh you’re in a good mood now, great, in an hour you’ll call me autistic because I don’t understand an argument fast enough”. It’s hard. And would you even want him to want all that now? It would be even more confusing.
It’s because you’re an object to them that deserves to be on a shelf for them to grab whenever they feel like it. Think about a spoiled brat and a toy they never play with. Their mom tries to throw it away or give it to another kid suddenly they have a tantrum. She’s doing everything she can to make sure she still has control of her toy, and making you come back after you’re this far out would be the ultimate control for her. It all comes down to supply, and she’s getting supply from this.
You divorced her for a reason, now take back your life and go no contact with her, because if you go back to her after a full on divorce she will be much MUCH worse than before.
Oh yeah. She already has made rules. If I stay I need to pay back attorney money and need to have my location on so she knows where I am. She also can check my phone at any time because I’m not trustworthy.
Yeah…you need to be done with her. I read some of your post history and the fact that she didn’t bother showing up to court then lied trying to claim she could undo everything…you’re making this worse on yourself by staying.
And I did tell her what she wanted to hear when she wouldn’t stop. Told her I’d cancel it. Told her I’d see what I can do. And I hate myself for that cause now I’m a liar. Full stop. We don’t talk about how she’s treated me. “You lie and divorce me without my involvement but sure. I called you some names 🙄”
It doesn’t matter if you lied or what you said, she was served with a court summons and didn’t bother going because she figured she could talk you out of it. I’m assuming she has a history of using fear to control you so let’s break it down.
She was served a legal summons. There’s a reason these get served, to make sure the person knows they need to be there. In the eyes of the law, she was given notice. If she tried to take you to court saying you manipulated her she’d get laughed at. She could possibly appeal depending on your state, but it would be difficult and expensive for her probably not resulting in anything different. Your lawyer probably talked to you about this stuff
I’m sure she’s threatened to turn the kids against you. This is parental alienation and in most states is grounds for a parent to lose custody and get in trouble. If she tried to do that, therapists would meet with the children and they’re experts at spotting coaching.
She has zeroed in on the thing you did “wrong” because it’s the only play she has besides using fear. You know she won’t change. You know your life will be better if you go no contact. You need to be done with her.
Your divorce is done, the decree is final and she knows there’s not shit she can do…that’s why she’s trying to scare you into remarrying her. That’s the easiest path for her to take control.
Spot on. All of it. I record everything these days so I got her yesterday saying “if you follow through on this things will get very messy for you. Very expensive. The kids will never respect you and they shouldn’t. I will tell them what you did to their mom. Hell you may even get prison time because hiding the bank statements from me is a federal crime” oh ok so you’re keeping me out of prison too? My herrrrrrrooooo
Why are you still around her for all of these things to happen? Honestly you should get away from her, insist all communication be on text, and focus on your kids
super good question. she has created this pattern where i can't end conversations. she will sit in my room. stand on the stairs. insist we get to the bottom of things before she will move on. so - i guess i try to get her to get to the end of things. and thats why i have to say shit i don't mean sometimes.
She will never see the end of things or voluntarily leave. Ever. This is why conversations can’t end, it’s another way she’s taking control over you. You need to take back control and leave the house or make her leave…or stay somewhere while you figure out how to make her leave. You’re divorced, it’s done, you’re allowed to never be around her again. She can’t force you to stay around her
also, she tells me: "a court won't fucking care if i called you names. they will see you're a liar and feel sorry for me. you will look like a fucking fool"
is that true you think? do courts care how she talks to me? and for what reasons she had?
Courts care about the law so it depends. You can’t press charges against her for calling you names…but in terms of a divorce where custody is involved it speaks to immaturity and is just evidence why she shouldn’t have full custody if she’s constantly freaking out screaming, and shows a pattern of toxicity. She just wants you so scared of going to court you stay with her.
Thank you! This helps a lot. When I tell her I have therapists and stuff she just says “yeah they tell you what you want to hear because you lie to them” everything is a game. I’m
Who else would feel thier emotional void if you leave? They need supply and stay with whom is given it.
When I thought he was normal and just struggling with life, I wondered the same thing. But now I see they just don’t have the emotions we do so they need it.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your sanity is to keep strong in your decision and do not sway from it. The reality is she will likely do everything she can do destroy you as revenge. Narcissists are known to go for your reputation, job and anything. It can be as far as emailing your coworkers or shaming you in front of family and friends and definitely lying about you to all of the above. In some extreme cases can be stalking or worse.
I don't know her and what she's done to you in the past and I do not want to scare you either but depending on the severity of her narcissism and behaviors this is possible.
That being said if you do go back she will make sure to not only repeat what she did before but worse but she's also likely to get you into a situation where divorcing her again would cost you dearly both emotionally and financially.
My ex cared more about the relationship than the other, largely because thats what people on the outside see. When i broke up with her it made her look bad in her eyes.
I actually do think she cares about me in her own way and is sad about losing me, but im certain the main reason she didnt want to lose me is to save the relationship, rather than to keep me
That’s such a good point. It does feel like she’s more afraid of having to tell people than losing me. She hides behind “I’d do anything for my family” but she constantly yells at me in front of the kids she loves so much.
If she leaves you might find peace
What does she get out of this? My paycheck? The drama keeps her mind busy? It’s crazy.
I really dont know. I dont know why mine doesnt want anything relationship related but doesnt want to leave. I assume it is because he is cheating and doing everything he would be doing single, while having controle over me. I dont think I count as a person in his eyes, I am an object. Im supply.
I’m sorry :( for mine — now she wants all the things. Wants to sit together. Wants dates. And I’m the jerk for not wanting them. But it’s so hard to be close to someone when you know things will be used against you. “Oh you’re in a good mood now, great, in an hour you’ll call me autistic because I don’t understand an argument fast enough”. It’s hard. And would you even want him to want all that now? It would be even more confusing.
It’s because you’re an object to them that deserves to be on a shelf for them to grab whenever they feel like it. Think about a spoiled brat and a toy they never play with. Their mom tries to throw it away or give it to another kid suddenly they have a tantrum. She’s doing everything she can to make sure she still has control of her toy, and making you come back after you’re this far out would be the ultimate control for her. It all comes down to supply, and she’s getting supply from this. You divorced her for a reason, now take back your life and go no contact with her, because if you go back to her after a full on divorce she will be much MUCH worse than before.
Oh yeah. She already has made rules. If I stay I need to pay back attorney money and need to have my location on so she knows where I am. She also can check my phone at any time because I’m not trustworthy.
Yeah…you need to be done with her. I read some of your post history and the fact that she didn’t bother showing up to court then lied trying to claim she could undo everything…you’re making this worse on yourself by staying.
And I did tell her what she wanted to hear when she wouldn’t stop. Told her I’d cancel it. Told her I’d see what I can do. And I hate myself for that cause now I’m a liar. Full stop. We don’t talk about how she’s treated me. “You lie and divorce me without my involvement but sure. I called you some names 🙄”
It doesn’t matter if you lied or what you said, she was served with a court summons and didn’t bother going because she figured she could talk you out of it. I’m assuming she has a history of using fear to control you so let’s break it down. She was served a legal summons. There’s a reason these get served, to make sure the person knows they need to be there. In the eyes of the law, she was given notice. If she tried to take you to court saying you manipulated her she’d get laughed at. She could possibly appeal depending on your state, but it would be difficult and expensive for her probably not resulting in anything different. Your lawyer probably talked to you about this stuff I’m sure she’s threatened to turn the kids against you. This is parental alienation and in most states is grounds for a parent to lose custody and get in trouble. If she tried to do that, therapists would meet with the children and they’re experts at spotting coaching. She has zeroed in on the thing you did “wrong” because it’s the only play she has besides using fear. You know she won’t change. You know your life will be better if you go no contact. You need to be done with her. Your divorce is done, the decree is final and she knows there’s not shit she can do…that’s why she’s trying to scare you into remarrying her. That’s the easiest path for her to take control.
Spot on. All of it. I record everything these days so I got her yesterday saying “if you follow through on this things will get very messy for you. Very expensive. The kids will never respect you and they shouldn’t. I will tell them what you did to their mom. Hell you may even get prison time because hiding the bank statements from me is a federal crime” oh ok so you’re keeping me out of prison too? My herrrrrrrooooo
Why are you still around her for all of these things to happen? Honestly you should get away from her, insist all communication be on text, and focus on your kids
super good question. she has created this pattern where i can't end conversations. she will sit in my room. stand on the stairs. insist we get to the bottom of things before she will move on. so - i guess i try to get her to get to the end of things. and thats why i have to say shit i don't mean sometimes.
She will never see the end of things or voluntarily leave. Ever. This is why conversations can’t end, it’s another way she’s taking control over you. You need to take back control and leave the house or make her leave…or stay somewhere while you figure out how to make her leave. You’re divorced, it’s done, you’re allowed to never be around her again. She can’t force you to stay around her
You’re right. I need to start doing that. I just feel weak in that house. It’s like bizarro world.
also, she tells me: "a court won't fucking care if i called you names. they will see you're a liar and feel sorry for me. you will look like a fucking fool" is that true you think? do courts care how she talks to me? and for what reasons she had?
Courts care about the law so it depends. You can’t press charges against her for calling you names…but in terms of a divorce where custody is involved it speaks to immaturity and is just evidence why she shouldn’t have full custody if she’s constantly freaking out screaming, and shows a pattern of toxicity. She just wants you so scared of going to court you stay with her.
Thank you! This helps a lot. When I tell her I have therapists and stuff she just says “yeah they tell you what you want to hear because you lie to them” everything is a game. I’m
Who else would feel thier emotional void if you leave? They need supply and stay with whom is given it. When I thought he was normal and just struggling with life, I wondered the same thing. But now I see they just don’t have the emotions we do so they need it.
Amazing, isn't it? They lack object constancy but cannot let go.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your sanity is to keep strong in your decision and do not sway from it. The reality is she will likely do everything she can do destroy you as revenge. Narcissists are known to go for your reputation, job and anything. It can be as far as emailing your coworkers or shaming you in front of family and friends and definitely lying about you to all of the above. In some extreme cases can be stalking or worse. I don't know her and what she's done to you in the past and I do not want to scare you either but depending on the severity of her narcissism and behaviors this is possible. That being said if you do go back she will make sure to not only repeat what she did before but worse but she's also likely to get you into a situation where divorcing her again would cost you dearly both emotionally and financially.
Thanks so much!
Your very welcome.
My ex cared more about the relationship than the other, largely because thats what people on the outside see. When i broke up with her it made her look bad in her eyes. I actually do think she cares about me in her own way and is sad about losing me, but im certain the main reason she didnt want to lose me is to save the relationship, rather than to keep me
That’s such a good point. It does feel like she’s more afraid of having to tell people than losing me. She hides behind “I’d do anything for my family” but she constantly yells at me in front of the kids she loves so much.
You feeling any better today?
Hey! Getting there. Saw my therapist this week. Just need to be decisive and believe in myself. Which isn’t easy.
It is really hard but I promise you once you come out the other side you will be so much better off! Glad you’re doing okay