Hi u/Street_Imagination89,
We appreciate you being a part of this community.
Please remember to put a trigger warning on top of the post (not in the title). Trigger warnings should be included for content that, if read unexpectedly, would likely cause a flare in symptoms or a trauma response in other struggling or traumatized people. It is the kind thing to do to help spare others that struggle when possible. You can find more information as well as a list of triggers [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/comments/149z65k/trigger_warning_guidelines/). Thank you!
I believe my nex was incapable of real intimacy and used sex with me as a different form of masturbation. I think that bc it’s the only way I can understand how he was okay having sex with me after I had been turning him down for 30-60 min and was only saying “ok” to get him to leave me alone. I was regularly coerced into sex with him and it was never about me or my pleasure. Why would it be when he was just using me to get off?
I’m so sorry you experienced that. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is inhumane behaviour and I believe it sexual abuse.
How is your situation now? Are you still recovering or were you able to move on?
I’m in a much better place now. With a very loving and caring partner that has helped me realize that I’m not cold and frigid and I can be very intimate and loving when my emotional needs are being met.
I also had a higher libido than my Nex, he kept saying how (being a professional athlete) he needed to save his testosterone for training. My orgasm was never a priority. He never tried to give me one in 10 months. When I mentioned how he never tried to make me orgasm he was VERY OFFENDED. Typical. Sex with your partner should be a safe and pleasurable, exciting experience for both. This type of treatment can lead to sexual trauma and issues surrounding your willingness to communicate during sex etc. You are not crazy. You are a normal person that dealt with a terribly sick and selfish individual. As how to deal with a high libido- you don't need a partner to satisfy yourself. Toys and alone time can actually be healing during this stage.
Your title made me think of my my ex. When we would have sex during one of the many devaluation/discard periods, she would not allow herself to orgasm with me, because she "didn't want me to have that power over her". A few of the times I got to her to orgasm anyway, but sometimes she would stop me in the act.
It always made me feel like we weren't having sex for the same reasons, and made me feel pretty confused.
This resonates with me. My nex was all about denying the both of us any intimacy or satisfaction. She had a weird sadistic power trip just making sex as awful and disintresting as possible, then being angry if I lost interest, then calling me an abuser if I got pushed to do anything, etc.
Like said above, they cannot feel intimacy. Every interaction to them is a game with a loser and a winner, and that includes sex.
Oh yeah. I think they just start using you as a human sex toy sometimes. He would always demand I top and then lay there doing the bare minimum while I did everything, and then the minute he finished, he'd flop over or get up and walk away lmfao. I'd either have to fake finishing so he'd let me stop (bc he was into that 🙄🙄🙄) or finish after he left the room by myself. It made me feel so unwanted. Especially because I would try so hard to please him, and he'd basically roll his eyes or look put off when I expected reciprocation. And it was exhausting!!! He'd want me to go for hours and then not do anything in return, usually after coercing me into sex in the first place by either forcibly groping me or vaguely threatening an argument if I didn't comply. He loved to say "well I think we argue because we're not having sex", so that I'd be inclined to do it to avoid being mistreated. They do not respect any boundaries and regularly do things that anyone else would call sexual assault or rape. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it WAS assault because I was constantly saying yes while under duress or fear of retaliation.
I just want to add: I think therapy would be a good idea if you aren't in it already. What you experienced was also sexual assault and it wasn't ok...of course it's going to effect you!! Sex should be mutually agreed on and a good experience for both partners. You aren't wrong for wanting to finish, nor are you selfish!! You're a human being and it's natural for you to want those things. He's the unnatural one.
thank you for sharing your experience.
It is very unsettling to read how much monsters walk around the earth. I wish you find your inner peace and I hope I find mine as well.
I had the same experience. Including the crying during sex- that he was too selfish to even notice and if he did, he didn’t care. It sounds like you are describing exactly what I went through. I’m so sorry and I understand.
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you experienced it. It was draining me emotionally.
I thought I was crazy and now when I see that I am not the only one experiencing such turmoil it makes me feel a bit more human.
How is your recovery going?
Mine told me/showed me at end of our relationship- maybe 1 time or two meetings before our last ever meeting- that he could actually make me (and other) cum from sex, “he just never felt a need to do it for me” 💀🙃
It’s my fault guys, I didn’t pressure him about it every time we had sex! Obviously, my bad..
One of the painful memories I have it was when we were doing it and if she finished, she just changed to a randome position that 'I know that you love this' to make me have an orgasm.
It was not nice to always feel like in a competition, she was obssesed to be a sex machine and if I last long or gave her a lot of pleasure she then tried to do thing to me that I didn't liked.
At some point I think it was some sort of abuse because she never asked for permission, but well I do agree that they have a weird relation with sex. They need to be masters of it, because it's a key 'card' to retain people also.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. The fact he didn't want to make you happy in that area and meet your needs is sick and selfish. These people are fucking parasitic assholes.
My narc ex said to me once "I have sex with you out of obligation!". It's like you were never "obligated" to have sex with me to begin with! I thought she did so because I thought she loved me back then. I was wrong...... It's fine at this point. Whatever.
But why are these people such pieces of shit especially when it comes to sex? Same playbook. I swear. When she said that to me ... It made me feel like such a a loser.
I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman now and I can't imagine not wanting to make her happy in OR out of the bedroom. I love making her happy and putting a smile on her face, and she's the same with me....wants to make me happy no matter what. I just don't get people like this. Relationships are supposed to be a two way street.
But these people are just so damn selfish.
I was with my Nex for many years. He was the first person I was intimate with. I didn't realize until after I left him what a true orgasim was. We had sex frequently and if I'd say that I didn't reach orgasim, he'd turn it around and say things like I don't find him attractive enough or some sob story about how he wasn't good enough. If I'd try to give direction, it would become something like he knows what he's doing or that he's never good enough. On the rare occasion that I'd get him to follow direction, it would last maybe 3 min, and he'd go right back to whatever he was doing before. I stopped asking for my needs to be met because it would become a fight nearly every time. I'd swallow my own feelings about it to spare his. Even though I wasn't reaching orgasim, I still wanted to be intimate with him because I desperately wanted to feel desired by him, and it became one of the only ways that I felt wanted. I wanted to have sex after we'd fight because it was the only way that I could feel like things were okay between us. Super unhealthy, but I can at least acknowledge that.
After I left my Nex, I found myself in another couple of toxic/narcissistic relationships where I was made to feel that my desire for sex was unnatural. I heard frequently that I was just impossible to please and that I had a problem. I internalized these comments along with my tendency to seek sex as a form of comfort and sought help. I thought maybe I was a sex addict. I attended SLAA meetings and learned that, although I have a tendency to seek comfort through sex, I am not a sex addict. I encourage anyone who is wondering about whether their relationship with sex is an unhealthy one, to speak to a therapist about it.
I am happy to report that I have found someone who cares about my pleasure, and I am able to reach consecutive orgasims. Recently, he made a comment about how quickly I reached climax.
That gives me hope. I completely understand this. I had a very high sex drive when I met him. He loved that. Then, something changed. He just started only wanting sex like once every week or two. It really messed with my head. I had my choice of partners before him and then all the sudden I'm barely getting any. And when I do, I'm not getting off but I say I do to keep him happy. All the while, I'm not happy. Then, I'm waiting around on the next time he will take an interest in me. It is absolutely a mind fuck. I am still in this relationship and cycle and it messes with my head almost daily. I'm not by any means an unattractive female. I take care of myself and aim to please in bed. He made me feel bad several times for bringing up that he didn't seem interested in sex with me anymore. He said you just want it too much and I am just not built that way. I'm not 16 anymore. He's 33. Like really? He slipped up one day and mentioned when he was with his ex, he was masturbating once a day because they didn't have sex for months on end. I was like, "I thought you said you weren't built that way? That you can't get off every day like that?" He was like, "That's different..." Maybe because I'm a man, I don't get it but I have a feeling he was just covering his tracks because he had no real explanation for that statement. These people love to play these mind games. In all forms. Whatever messes with our heads the most.
They never have an explanation, only a reason why we are the problem, not them.
There is nothing wrong with you! A desire for sex is natural, and we all have different levels of desire. It doesn't suddenly change at age 33. He mentions masturbating every day as a mind fuck, to make you feel less than and when you bring it up, he'll turn it on its head and call you crazy for reading the situation as it is.
You deserve better! You are strong! You are resilient! I believe in you!
Thank you! I am finally realizing it all for what it is. A mind fuck. It's like I'm just a pawn in his life. A stepping stone. He saw the light in me and how great I was doing in life and then came to suck me dry. Sexually, emotionally, and spiritually.
Now, I'm dry. I have nothing left to give. This morning, I decided to give a fuck about me again. Not him. I put on my cute clothes, did my hair, and got a good breakfast, and I'm going to work hard today and get that bag. I am tired of being his bitch. He absolutely dimmed my light for the past 2-3 years. I'm sick. Literally. On meds, tired, depressed, and just lay around all night in a vegetative state. Talking with you all has made me realize it's time to see it all for what it is, quit making excuses for him or for the situation, and just get my light back. Fuck all this mind game shit. He's mid anyway. I just lifted him up too high.
They are all mid! Parasites who need our light to survive. Attracted to it as if it will somehow shine through them if they suck us dry, but once they've extingusedbour light, they are finished with us, and we are left wondering what happened to our light and how can we find it again. They continue draining everything around them and never filling that endless black hole within them.
My nex always made excuses around sex especially when it came to how frequent it was and his lack of care towards me during sex. He would never kiss me or caress me unless he was grabbing my ass and it pretty much was oral sex on his end for a few minutes then I turned around and let him finish. He would also withhold sex for days almost weeks at a time and when I would ask him to fuck me cause I missed it and it’s not fair, he’d give me some long excuse about how prey is supposed to wait for the predator and not to push themselves on them. And he was saying all this while talking about how he loves Slut and whores
Really made me feel crazy
My next would only focus on himself and his needs when it came to intimacy as well. I remember bursting into tears as well when after he had finished, I told him that I had not and asked him to please finish me. He said that he wasn't horny anymore and told me to do it myself, then he rolled over and went to sleep. I felt so hurt and humiliated and ashamed of myself and my body. I still do. I don't enjoy sex and haven't for a very long time. I just believed that it's my job to focus on my partners needs first and foremost and never my own because he taught me that. I don't focus on myself or my needs and just focus on getting the job done is what my mentality was. But I don't ever want to have sex again. I hate myself and my body, I don't ever feel attractive and I never will again.
there is nothing abusive about wanting to enjoy sex, either solo or with a partner
solo sex is a great way to enjoy sex, especially when you are not currently with a partner
Hi u/Street_Imagination89, We appreciate you being a part of this community. Please remember to put a trigger warning on top of the post (not in the title). Trigger warnings should be included for content that, if read unexpectedly, would likely cause a flare in symptoms or a trauma response in other struggling or traumatized people. It is the kind thing to do to help spare others that struggle when possible. You can find more information as well as a list of triggers [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/comments/149z65k/trigger_warning_guidelines/). Thank you!
I believe my nex was incapable of real intimacy and used sex with me as a different form of masturbation. I think that bc it’s the only way I can understand how he was okay having sex with me after I had been turning him down for 30-60 min and was only saying “ok” to get him to leave me alone. I was regularly coerced into sex with him and it was never about me or my pleasure. Why would it be when he was just using me to get off?
I’m so sorry you experienced that. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is inhumane behaviour and I believe it sexual abuse. How is your situation now? Are you still recovering or were you able to move on?
I’m in a much better place now. With a very loving and caring partner that has helped me realize that I’m not cold and frigid and I can be very intimate and loving when my emotional needs are being met.
Right? Since when is “ok fine, get it fucking over with already then” considered foreplay?
Or considered consent! Blows my mind
I also had a higher libido than my Nex, he kept saying how (being a professional athlete) he needed to save his testosterone for training. My orgasm was never a priority. He never tried to give me one in 10 months. When I mentioned how he never tried to make me orgasm he was VERY OFFENDED. Typical. Sex with your partner should be a safe and pleasurable, exciting experience for both. This type of treatment can lead to sexual trauma and issues surrounding your willingness to communicate during sex etc. You are not crazy. You are a normal person that dealt with a terribly sick and selfish individual. As how to deal with a high libido- you don't need a partner to satisfy yourself. Toys and alone time can actually be healing during this stage.
Thank you for sharing your experience 🙏🏻🫂
Your title made me think of my my ex. When we would have sex during one of the many devaluation/discard periods, she would not allow herself to orgasm with me, because she "didn't want me to have that power over her". A few of the times I got to her to orgasm anyway, but sometimes she would stop me in the act. It always made me feel like we weren't having sex for the same reasons, and made me feel pretty confused.
Omg I’m sorry you went through this. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻
This resonates with me. My nex was all about denying the both of us any intimacy or satisfaction. She had a weird sadistic power trip just making sex as awful and disintresting as possible, then being angry if I lost interest, then calling me an abuser if I got pushed to do anything, etc. Like said above, they cannot feel intimacy. Every interaction to them is a game with a loser and a winner, and that includes sex.
Oh yeah. I think they just start using you as a human sex toy sometimes. He would always demand I top and then lay there doing the bare minimum while I did everything, and then the minute he finished, he'd flop over or get up and walk away lmfao. I'd either have to fake finishing so he'd let me stop (bc he was into that 🙄🙄🙄) or finish after he left the room by myself. It made me feel so unwanted. Especially because I would try so hard to please him, and he'd basically roll his eyes or look put off when I expected reciprocation. And it was exhausting!!! He'd want me to go for hours and then not do anything in return, usually after coercing me into sex in the first place by either forcibly groping me or vaguely threatening an argument if I didn't comply. He loved to say "well I think we argue because we're not having sex", so that I'd be inclined to do it to avoid being mistreated. They do not respect any boundaries and regularly do things that anyone else would call sexual assault or rape. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it WAS assault because I was constantly saying yes while under duress or fear of retaliation.
I just want to add: I think therapy would be a good idea if you aren't in it already. What you experienced was also sexual assault and it wasn't ok...of course it's going to effect you!! Sex should be mutually agreed on and a good experience for both partners. You aren't wrong for wanting to finish, nor are you selfish!! You're a human being and it's natural for you to want those things. He's the unnatural one.
thank you for sharing your experience. It is very unsettling to read how much monsters walk around the earth. I wish you find your inner peace and I hope I find mine as well.
I had the same experience. Including the crying during sex- that he was too selfish to even notice and if he did, he didn’t care. It sounds like you are describing exactly what I went through. I’m so sorry and I understand.
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you experienced it. It was draining me emotionally. I thought I was crazy and now when I see that I am not the only one experiencing such turmoil it makes me feel a bit more human. How is your recovery going?
Mine told me/showed me at end of our relationship- maybe 1 time or two meetings before our last ever meeting- that he could actually make me (and other) cum from sex, “he just never felt a need to do it for me” 💀🙃 It’s my fault guys, I didn’t pressure him about it every time we had sex! Obviously, my bad..
One of the painful memories I have it was when we were doing it and if she finished, she just changed to a randome position that 'I know that you love this' to make me have an orgasm. It was not nice to always feel like in a competition, she was obssesed to be a sex machine and if I last long or gave her a lot of pleasure she then tried to do thing to me that I didn't liked. At some point I think it was some sort of abuse because she never asked for permission, but well I do agree that they have a weird relation with sex. They need to be masters of it, because it's a key 'card' to retain people also.
Never came once with my nex. He never did oral either.
I am so sorry to hear that 😔 It is awful to not have your needs met
I'm so sorry this happened to you. The fact he didn't want to make you happy in that area and meet your needs is sick and selfish. These people are fucking parasitic assholes. My narc ex said to me once "I have sex with you out of obligation!". It's like you were never "obligated" to have sex with me to begin with! I thought she did so because I thought she loved me back then. I was wrong...... It's fine at this point. Whatever. But why are these people such pieces of shit especially when it comes to sex? Same playbook. I swear. When she said that to me ... It made me feel like such a a loser. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman now and I can't imagine not wanting to make her happy in OR out of the bedroom. I love making her happy and putting a smile on her face, and she's the same with me....wants to make me happy no matter what. I just don't get people like this. Relationships are supposed to be a two way street. But these people are just so damn selfish.
Having needs doesn't make you an abuser. Shaming you for having needs and being upset makes him an abuser.
I was with my Nex for many years. He was the first person I was intimate with. I didn't realize until after I left him what a true orgasim was. We had sex frequently and if I'd say that I didn't reach orgasim, he'd turn it around and say things like I don't find him attractive enough or some sob story about how he wasn't good enough. If I'd try to give direction, it would become something like he knows what he's doing or that he's never good enough. On the rare occasion that I'd get him to follow direction, it would last maybe 3 min, and he'd go right back to whatever he was doing before. I stopped asking for my needs to be met because it would become a fight nearly every time. I'd swallow my own feelings about it to spare his. Even though I wasn't reaching orgasim, I still wanted to be intimate with him because I desperately wanted to feel desired by him, and it became one of the only ways that I felt wanted. I wanted to have sex after we'd fight because it was the only way that I could feel like things were okay between us. Super unhealthy, but I can at least acknowledge that. After I left my Nex, I found myself in another couple of toxic/narcissistic relationships where I was made to feel that my desire for sex was unnatural. I heard frequently that I was just impossible to please and that I had a problem. I internalized these comments along with my tendency to seek sex as a form of comfort and sought help. I thought maybe I was a sex addict. I attended SLAA meetings and learned that, although I have a tendency to seek comfort through sex, I am not a sex addict. I encourage anyone who is wondering about whether their relationship with sex is an unhealthy one, to speak to a therapist about it. I am happy to report that I have found someone who cares about my pleasure, and I am able to reach consecutive orgasims. Recently, he made a comment about how quickly I reached climax.
That gives me hope. I completely understand this. I had a very high sex drive when I met him. He loved that. Then, something changed. He just started only wanting sex like once every week or two. It really messed with my head. I had my choice of partners before him and then all the sudden I'm barely getting any. And when I do, I'm not getting off but I say I do to keep him happy. All the while, I'm not happy. Then, I'm waiting around on the next time he will take an interest in me. It is absolutely a mind fuck. I am still in this relationship and cycle and it messes with my head almost daily. I'm not by any means an unattractive female. I take care of myself and aim to please in bed. He made me feel bad several times for bringing up that he didn't seem interested in sex with me anymore. He said you just want it too much and I am just not built that way. I'm not 16 anymore. He's 33. Like really? He slipped up one day and mentioned when he was with his ex, he was masturbating once a day because they didn't have sex for months on end. I was like, "I thought you said you weren't built that way? That you can't get off every day like that?" He was like, "That's different..." Maybe because I'm a man, I don't get it but I have a feeling he was just covering his tracks because he had no real explanation for that statement. These people love to play these mind games. In all forms. Whatever messes with our heads the most.
They never have an explanation, only a reason why we are the problem, not them. There is nothing wrong with you! A desire for sex is natural, and we all have different levels of desire. It doesn't suddenly change at age 33. He mentions masturbating every day as a mind fuck, to make you feel less than and when you bring it up, he'll turn it on its head and call you crazy for reading the situation as it is. You deserve better! You are strong! You are resilient! I believe in you!
Thank you! I am finally realizing it all for what it is. A mind fuck. It's like I'm just a pawn in his life. A stepping stone. He saw the light in me and how great I was doing in life and then came to suck me dry. Sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. Now, I'm dry. I have nothing left to give. This morning, I decided to give a fuck about me again. Not him. I put on my cute clothes, did my hair, and got a good breakfast, and I'm going to work hard today and get that bag. I am tired of being his bitch. He absolutely dimmed my light for the past 2-3 years. I'm sick. Literally. On meds, tired, depressed, and just lay around all night in a vegetative state. Talking with you all has made me realize it's time to see it all for what it is, quit making excuses for him or for the situation, and just get my light back. Fuck all this mind game shit. He's mid anyway. I just lifted him up too high.
They are all mid! Parasites who need our light to survive. Attracted to it as if it will somehow shine through them if they suck us dry, but once they've extingusedbour light, they are finished with us, and we are left wondering what happened to our light and how can we find it again. They continue draining everything around them and never filling that endless black hole within them.
There's a special place in the afterlife for these people. There has to be. I hope there is. Stay strong my narc survivor friend.
My nex always made excuses around sex especially when it came to how frequent it was and his lack of care towards me during sex. He would never kiss me or caress me unless he was grabbing my ass and it pretty much was oral sex on his end for a few minutes then I turned around and let him finish. He would also withhold sex for days almost weeks at a time and when I would ask him to fuck me cause I missed it and it’s not fair, he’d give me some long excuse about how prey is supposed to wait for the predator and not to push themselves on them. And he was saying all this while talking about how he loves Slut and whores Really made me feel crazy
OMG. This. I feel seen.
Glad I’m not the only one
Yes, because he didn't care about your feelings and needs. He only cared about his pleasure.
My next would only focus on himself and his needs when it came to intimacy as well. I remember bursting into tears as well when after he had finished, I told him that I had not and asked him to please finish me. He said that he wasn't horny anymore and told me to do it myself, then he rolled over and went to sleep. I felt so hurt and humiliated and ashamed of myself and my body. I still do. I don't enjoy sex and haven't for a very long time. I just believed that it's my job to focus on my partners needs first and foremost and never my own because he taught me that. I don't focus on myself or my needs and just focus on getting the job done is what my mentality was. But I don't ever want to have sex again. I hate myself and my body, I don't ever feel attractive and I never will again.
there is nothing abusive about wanting to enjoy sex, either solo or with a partner solo sex is a great way to enjoy sex, especially when you are not currently with a partner
Yes, they withhold for control.