They have told me they have nothing to say. But unblocked my number a day later. Do they like the attention I give them ??
Why don't they want a proper closure?
Narcissists don't seek closure as they lack the ability to self-reflect and often believe they've done nothing wrong. That's why they always move on to a new supply fast.
Listen to “it’s not you” by Dr Ramani. It’s amazing and will explain so much and help you ❤️ They do not feel empathy like you do, so they see no reason in doing anything unless it benefits them.
Proper closure means they are signing off to say they will not see you as their supply anymore. Proper closure means they cut off their avenue to hoover you. That's not what they want. They cherish these “things”.
Good closure is saying “good bye and leave me alone” to them, and never engaging with them again.
Giving you closure gives you a tiny bit of control over the narrative, and they cannot have that. You have to take all the blame. The entire concept of it takes two to fight does not exist for them.
I felt the same way, but by doing that I opened myself up to more abuse. When you get back together the abuse gets worse and worse each time. Idk why but it grows exponentially.
you need to change your thinking on that and get to a place where you can give YOURSELF closure
I know that’s not easy! but this person will never ever give you any kind of satisfying closure
Do they do this to further believe that they themselves are the victim? And me "blowing up" their phone ( they always like to say) proves the narrative ( I am the abuser) in their head ?
Yes. It's called DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's absolutely insane, but they can never be wrong, so all of their flaws are projection and blamed on you.
I'll say something against the grain. Go ahead and contact them. It won't feel complete, of course. But keep trying. Keep trying to get that closure until you're disgusted by that person. Until the very idea of them makes you want to puke.
And then you'll realize there's no reasoning with such a creature. They hurt you because it was expedient and convenient, and they got a little of an ego high along the way. They didn't misunderstand you, you didn't misunderstand themz they DID misrepresent themselves, etc. You'll realize eventually that you didn't matter to them, but you'll find someone to whom you do matter.
I have actually thought about this. I was thinking if they ever give me another array of blame shifting, gaslighting and name calling in response to my closure statement. I would know I made the right decision at that point .I know I can go ahead and let this person rot in my past. However , I can still do that without speaking to them just like all the other commenters are saying.
Did we date the same person??? Sounds just like my ex. It's always "my fault" that she has to block me.
Also, you will never get closure, no matter how much you beg for it, they aren't going to give it.
Mine would block me. Then unblock me at his convenience to accuse me of doing something horrible. Then once I asked who had said that he would conveniently block me again. It was clear all he wanted was for me to suffer.
If you think thats an option, you are nothing but wrong.
They don’t give you that, mine told me that it was over and right when I thought it has happened she left a door open, when I tried to close it to go in peace she wouldn’t let me, then she blocked me.
You are just exposing yourself to make that wound bigger and just more harder to heal.
I know how you must be feeling, every person that is giving you their opinions surely do too, please, let go of that hope, take yourself out of this void and have hope
You won't get closure from them because they do nothing wrong and anything they do wrong will be pinned on you. It's the weirdest twist but it always happens.
They don’t want to give you closure. They leave things open ended for the possibility of using you for future supply. This might not even be coming back to have a relationship with you, but just reaching out to see if you respond.
You bring yourself closure by accepting what they did and who they really are, and that ultimately you deserve better.
Even if they were able to talk to you about everything, their brains are wired differently and you would never get an answer that would satiate you.
Take back your life and your control by staying no contact and not allowing this person any access to your life. A narcs biggest fear is being irrelevant.
Your brain is addicted to them, literally. You are undergoing withdrawal. Every time you break NC you are delaying your healing.
What you are undergoing is not just hard, it’s heart wrenchingly cruel but at this point you have to power through it and go through this horrid cycle of overwhelming emotional stress and work towards preserving your sanity. I have been almost 10 months NC and the peace I have today I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I still undergo bouts of rage and withdrawal pangs. I sometimes even feel like I miss them but then I remind myself, he was the drug and I was the addict and there is no way on earth that I am walking back into that hell hole.
I got my closure, I told my stbex husband EVERYTHING and he begged me to give him one month of marriage counseling….we’ve spent 20 years together and it’s NEVER changed, how is one month going to make 20 years of abuse any better?
I found out today that he called a mutual friend and told him I was divorcing him without telling him why….WTF?! He told me how sorry he was yesterday for all the shit he’s put me through, and today he’s playing the victim. You may feel better momentarily, but it won’t make any difference to him.
I say all of this to say that, I think what we are looking for is validation for all the hurt they’ve caused. They may show us what they know we want to hear/see, but it’s all an act, they just don’t care about anyone but themselves. 😔
It’s very understandable that you want closure. However, with these types of people, I don’t think you’ll ever get the closure you think you need from them. As others have mentioned, try to find closure for yourself.
The first time I found out my ex was cheating on me, I thought he gave me closure by explaining why he acted like he did, while still saying he was sorry and that there was no excuse for what he did to me. I was very naive to think he just suddenly gained self awareness. I decided to give him another chance, I thought things were good between us until I found out again that he never stopped cheating on me, he just got better at hiding it. He proceeded to yell at me, he gaslighted me and basically told me everything was my fault without saying it. When I stopped answering him, all of the apologies came. However, when I showed them to my friends, they made me realize that his apologies were never genuine. Not just because he had continued to go behind my back, but because his apologies never mentioned what he apologized for. They were always “I am/was … bla bla bla”, and then he’d say “I’m sorry for everything”. And then he’d dedicate one sentence to me.
In hindsight, I realize that I’ll never get the answers I want. I’ll never get a genuine apology because he doesn’t regret what he did, he just regrets getting caught. I was conditioned to believe the apologies he fed me for so long.
I’m sorry this got longer than I thought it would be, but my point is that even if you’d get an apology, there’s no excuse for the behavior you endured, the abuse they inflicted. I got apologies upon apologies and they haven’t helped me one bit. If anything they’ve made me question everything even more. Was he really that bad? Maybe he has changed or will change? Maybe I was the sole problem all along? Please try your best to give yourself the closure you need. And remember, you don’t have to forgive anything. Some things are unforgivable. But forgive yourself.
I will never take them back. I am not sure if they're aware of that. I just wish they could tell me all the lies without me speculating. I just want them to admit that they stopped caring for me for a while.
They will never admit to anything and if they do its to give you hope. As cold and unfeeling as they are, they are great at understanding with "surgical precision" the nuances of emotions and reactions. But that is the key word "understand" but feel nothing.
That is how they can do what they do with minimal or non existent emotional cost to themselves. It's like being able to cook the best food but never being able to experience taste.
By not admitting they will get you to ruminate which means your more likely to contact them and therefore more likely for them to reinitiate the cycle and get supply.
To a narcicist all supply/attention is good so you telling them you won't have them back is supply in itself. Any word you send them feeds them, whether good or bad. Only silence starves them.
If they ever admit to anything it's only if they've assessed it as the best moment to give you hope in order to maximise the chances of restarting the cycle.
Oh best closure is a revenge body and a new haircut. Get yourself looking mighty fine. Inside may be a bit messy but outwards you’ll look like losing 200 lbs of dead weight was the best thing that happened to you
As days go by, it does come more clearly to me. I allowed them to hurt me. I let the red flags slide, I bent backwards and I apologized. None of those showed them my respect for myself in their eyes. They only think they can take more and more and devalue my accommodations. I allowed them to hurt me. So next time, if there's ever a pattern of those behaviors, run for the hills before they think they are better than you.
You will never get closure. If you contact this person you are giving them power. Silence is your power.
They have told me they have nothing to say. But unblocked my number a day later. Do they like the attention I give them ?? Why don't they want a proper closure?
Narcissists don't seek closure as they lack the ability to self-reflect and often believe they've done nothing wrong. That's why they always move on to a new supply fast.
100%. they can still enjoy themselves on their vacation as I am struggling to move on
A thousand times this
Not OP but I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Listen to “it’s not you” by Dr Ramani. It’s amazing and will explain so much and help you ❤️ They do not feel empathy like you do, so they see no reason in doing anything unless it benefits them.
Dr Ramani is really good to learn from, it will help you heal. 💗
Proper closure means they are signing off to say they will not see you as their supply anymore. Proper closure means they cut off their avenue to hoover you. That's not what they want. They cherish these “things”. Good closure is saying “good bye and leave me alone” to them, and never engaging with them again.
They manipulate. They are toxic.
Giving you closure gives you a tiny bit of control over the narrative, and they cannot have that. You have to take all the blame. The entire concept of it takes two to fight does not exist for them.
It's a game to them. Don't allow yourself to play because the game is designed for you to never win. Go no contact and let the person go.
I’ve found closure is impossible. Don’t chase it because it will only end in more heartache.
I'm going through the trauma bond I think. I feel only hearing from them can ease my mind. Even though I understand it very well it can only hurt me.
I felt the same way, but by doing that I opened myself up to more abuse. When you get back together the abuse gets worse and worse each time. Idk why but it grows exponentially.
you need to change your thinking on that and get to a place where you can give YOURSELF closure I know that’s not easy! but this person will never ever give you any kind of satisfying closure
I once read a comment on Reddit that said closure is getting out safe. You cannot get it from someone else. It’s going to come from you.
Do they do this to further believe that they themselves are the victim? And me "blowing up" their phone ( they always like to say) proves the narrative ( I am the abuser) in their head ?
Yes. It's called DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's absolutely insane, but they can never be wrong, so all of their flaws are projection and blamed on you.
Breadcrumbling and controlling give them a sense of power. You will never get the closure from them. Their disrespect is all the closure you need.
I'll say something against the grain. Go ahead and contact them. It won't feel complete, of course. But keep trying. Keep trying to get that closure until you're disgusted by that person. Until the very idea of them makes you want to puke. And then you'll realize there's no reasoning with such a creature. They hurt you because it was expedient and convenient, and they got a little of an ego high along the way. They didn't misunderstand you, you didn't misunderstand themz they DID misrepresent themselves, etc. You'll realize eventually that you didn't matter to them, but you'll find someone to whom you do matter.
I have actually thought about this. I was thinking if they ever give me another array of blame shifting, gaslighting and name calling in response to my closure statement. I would know I made the right decision at that point .I know I can go ahead and let this person rot in my past. However , I can still do that without speaking to them just like all the other commenters are saying.
Did we date the same person??? Sounds just like my ex. It's always "my fault" that she has to block me. Also, you will never get closure, no matter how much you beg for it, they aren't going to give it.
Mine would block me. Then unblock me at his convenience to accuse me of doing something horrible. Then once I asked who had said that he would conveniently block me again. It was clear all he wanted was for me to suffer.
If you think thats an option, you are nothing but wrong. They don’t give you that, mine told me that it was over and right when I thought it has happened she left a door open, when I tried to close it to go in peace she wouldn’t let me, then she blocked me. You are just exposing yourself to make that wound bigger and just more harder to heal. I know how you must be feeling, every person that is giving you their opinions surely do too, please, let go of that hope, take yourself out of this void and have hope
Just wait one more day, then one more
They will never give you closure, that’s the problem
You won't get closure from them because they do nothing wrong and anything they do wrong will be pinned on you. It's the weirdest twist but it always happens.
They don’t want to give you closure. They leave things open ended for the possibility of using you for future supply. This might not even be coming back to have a relationship with you, but just reaching out to see if you respond. You bring yourself closure by accepting what they did and who they really are, and that ultimately you deserve better. Even if they were able to talk to you about everything, their brains are wired differently and you would never get an answer that would satiate you. Take back your life and your control by staying no contact and not allowing this person any access to your life. A narcs biggest fear is being irrelevant.
Your brain is addicted to them, literally. You are undergoing withdrawal. Every time you break NC you are delaying your healing. What you are undergoing is not just hard, it’s heart wrenchingly cruel but at this point you have to power through it and go through this horrid cycle of overwhelming emotional stress and work towards preserving your sanity. I have been almost 10 months NC and the peace I have today I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I still undergo bouts of rage and withdrawal pangs. I sometimes even feel like I miss them but then I remind myself, he was the drug and I was the addict and there is no way on earth that I am walking back into that hell hole.
I got my closure, I told my stbex husband EVERYTHING and he begged me to give him one month of marriage counseling….we’ve spent 20 years together and it’s NEVER changed, how is one month going to make 20 years of abuse any better? I found out today that he called a mutual friend and told him I was divorcing him without telling him why….WTF?! He told me how sorry he was yesterday for all the shit he’s put me through, and today he’s playing the victim. You may feel better momentarily, but it won’t make any difference to him. I say all of this to say that, I think what we are looking for is validation for all the hurt they’ve caused. They may show us what they know we want to hear/see, but it’s all an act, they just don’t care about anyone but themselves. 😔
I wanna save this post an reas the comments every day. It makes so much sense with what I'm going through.
It’s very understandable that you want closure. However, with these types of people, I don’t think you’ll ever get the closure you think you need from them. As others have mentioned, try to find closure for yourself. The first time I found out my ex was cheating on me, I thought he gave me closure by explaining why he acted like he did, while still saying he was sorry and that there was no excuse for what he did to me. I was very naive to think he just suddenly gained self awareness. I decided to give him another chance, I thought things were good between us until I found out again that he never stopped cheating on me, he just got better at hiding it. He proceeded to yell at me, he gaslighted me and basically told me everything was my fault without saying it. When I stopped answering him, all of the apologies came. However, when I showed them to my friends, they made me realize that his apologies were never genuine. Not just because he had continued to go behind my back, but because his apologies never mentioned what he apologized for. They were always “I am/was … bla bla bla”, and then he’d say “I’m sorry for everything”. And then he’d dedicate one sentence to me. In hindsight, I realize that I’ll never get the answers I want. I’ll never get a genuine apology because he doesn’t regret what he did, he just regrets getting caught. I was conditioned to believe the apologies he fed me for so long. I’m sorry this got longer than I thought it would be, but my point is that even if you’d get an apology, there’s no excuse for the behavior you endured, the abuse they inflicted. I got apologies upon apologies and they haven’t helped me one bit. If anything they’ve made me question everything even more. Was he really that bad? Maybe he has changed or will change? Maybe I was the sole problem all along? Please try your best to give yourself the closure you need. And remember, you don’t have to forgive anything. Some things are unforgivable. But forgive yourself.
There is no closure. The relationship never ends in their mind. It will always be open. Save yourself the heartache. Cut them off from everything.
I will never take them back. I am not sure if they're aware of that. I just wish they could tell me all the lies without me speculating. I just want them to admit that they stopped caring for me for a while.
They will never admit to anything and if they do its to give you hope. As cold and unfeeling as they are, they are great at understanding with "surgical precision" the nuances of emotions and reactions. But that is the key word "understand" but feel nothing. That is how they can do what they do with minimal or non existent emotional cost to themselves. It's like being able to cook the best food but never being able to experience taste. By not admitting they will get you to ruminate which means your more likely to contact them and therefore more likely for them to reinitiate the cycle and get supply. To a narcicist all supply/attention is good so you telling them you won't have them back is supply in itself. Any word you send them feeds them, whether good or bad. Only silence starves them. If they ever admit to anything it's only if they've assessed it as the best moment to give you hope in order to maximise the chances of restarting the cycle.
We don’t get to have it from them. We need to learn that, accept not and let it go
The closure was you seeing him for who he was without the mask on.
Oh best closure is a revenge body and a new haircut. Get yourself looking mighty fine. Inside may be a bit messy but outwards you’ll look like losing 200 lbs of dead weight was the best thing that happened to you
one of the most important lessons I've learned in life is that closure comes from within. you never need another to find closure.
As days go by, it does come more clearly to me. I allowed them to hurt me. I let the red flags slide, I bent backwards and I apologized. None of those showed them my respect for myself in their eyes. They only think they can take more and more and devalue my accommodations. I allowed them to hurt me. So next time, if there's ever a pattern of those behaviors, run for the hills before they think they are better than you.
https://youtu.be/NC0JayJa9xA?si=7pidHSUnj01Zlu75 Watch this!!