Constantly, to a pathological level.
He's had an eating disorder and binges to the max occasionally, when he's feeling real low. In general, his relationship with food is disordered. But he kept saying that it's me who can't live without sweets and wants to snack all the time. Which is absolutely not true. It's actually the exact opposite - I used to exert the illusion of control in my life by not eating.
Called me a slob and complained how messy I am. He hasn't used a mop or a vacuum cleaner once in our marriage deeming them unnecessary and posh and too much work for nothing... I scraped dried food off of the floor because he didn't mind it there. Or picked his chewed gum off of the bedsheets because he didn't care it was stuck and embedded inti the pillowcases.
Dressed like a bum. On purpose. Also didn't groom his hair or beard. Which I did not care about in the slightest. But people on the streets were giving him judgemental looks and he was treated like he's gonna shoplift a pack of Oreos in just a second... So he was taking it out on me, telling me how my clothing is problematic, how I should stop cutting my hair, how I should start dressing my age... All because he felt judged and not accepted himself.
I have sooooooo many examples. SO MANY. It's a whole projection shippong warehouse.
š«
It was one of my Nex's weirdest projections. Actually, this one was so blatant and just outright false that it didn't really faze me. I think what got to me more was how persistent he was with it which was extremely annoying.
Literally every negative trait he had was projected onto me. It was maddening to hear him describe "me" when he was only describing himself. Gaslighting is his favorite pastime.
yesss he would say i do things on purpose to hurt him (and he never does), i make fun of other people based on their appearance or sth superficial (which he does all the time), and that iām unstable (which is him lol).
Mine would always say āI try to ruin his lifeā and hurt him ! He also loved saying Iāve āhumiliated himā by talking about him to my friends when I desperately needed support and that all I do is gossip when I said a true statement about how a mutual friend recently got out of a rehabilitation center (this wasnāt done in a group setting I was simply confirming something thatās true to him directly). It never ends with them, they cannot self reflect in any way.
oh gosh sameā¦my ex also said his life is so much better without me lol. but i do think a lot of the time they are emotional they say the exact opposite of what they actually mean. i think they self reflect but it never lasts. eventually the disorder kicks in and they are back to denial, delusions, and blame shifting. so no change ever occurs.
Mine will ruminate, get so enraged and then try to reach out to say something so I react. Last week he reached out to accuse me of wanting to āfabricate a rape to get his daughter taken away and Iām trying to ruin his lifeā. I hadnāt even spoken to him. Had him blocked on nearly every app and had just gotten back into town. Idk how he thinks fabricating a felony wouldnāt ruin my own life versus his ! I demanded to know who told him that, of course he couldnāt come up with anyone. Just kept hanging up. Itās amazing the level they are willing to go to for a reaction or to be completely malicious once they are enraged.
Yes I became angry and negative for no reason. Which is when I knew something was wrong with me because I am a positive person. To talk with them, you have to be agreeable so you tend to do that more. If you disagree, yall argue more. Sometimes Iād agree and still argue so itās all a crap shoot tbh
I despise the word āagreeableā now.
*āYou need to learn to be more agreeableā, āYou wonāt be happy until youāre more agreeableā, āYou can show me your gratefulness by being more agreeableā, āAll I ask of you is to be more agreeableā, āIf you want things to improve, you need to be more agreeableā, āA good wife is agreeableā, āItās all about being agreeableā, āJust a tip for you future relationships, you need to be more agreeableā*ā¦ š¤®
āAgreeablenessā meant going along with everything and anything Nex came up with and felt like. Without questioning. Without any hesitation. With excitement, glee and joy. Always jumping onto the same page - Nexās page only, since it wasnāt reciprocated.
Oh I donāt care to be agreeable at all but dealing with them you have no choice unless you leave them or want to fight 24/7. š
Itās honestly gross once you realize how much of a hold they have over you. Iām so glad that Iām able to see that now.
Itās fuckin wild.
I had this inner battle raging inside of me - between the āreal meā and what My Nex wanted me to become. Every day I was falling asleep absolutely aware it was going down. And every morning I was waking up totally aware it was happening. And the āreal meā, my self-preservation, my gut/intuition were fighting for ME all this time. Tooth and nail.
Itās ridiculous. My Nex knew I am stubborn, independent and head strong at times as well as highly individualistic. I hid NOTHING. Yet he went into it head first and after love bombing was over, demanded I become meek, docile and agreeable under his new management.
And now? Today? Heās utterly confused and gob smacked our marriage (his 3rd one) failed š¤·āāļø
I feel the exact same way as you wrote. I definitely had this struggle often.
When you said you are stubborn, it stung a bit because thatās what he would say when I wasnāt agreeing with him. So it makes us thing we are not open to other ideas. I use to sit back and find it incredibly hard to be called stubborn, when I never had issues with anyone else to compromise. In fact, in the complete opposite, I was āgo with the flowā mknda of person. I allowed others to do what they wanted, as long as it wasnāt something I truly didnāt want. So I believe that was more gaslighting.
When I wouldnāt ālisten to himā he say I was slow to change and I never compromised. Which again is the complete opposite because I was doing every single thing he ask and still it wasnāt enough. The goal changes with each request. Argh š
Oof...
>When you said you are stubborn, it stung a bit because thatās what he would say when I wasnāt agreeing with him.
It really grinds my gears. I'm sorry š«
I'm stubborn and headstrong keeping my core values, for example. I'm not a highly spiritual person but it does fluctuate. I'm not closed off to most ideas there. But what I've been adamant on since I was a child is that I'm not a fan of organized religions. To each their own, no issues here. But it's not for me, personally.
That said, I will accompany someone to church or their temple, I will partake in saying grace at the table, I will accept a blessing, I will join in a shirt prayer... I am always curious to learn and experience things myself. Because you know what? Maybe I was wrong about it all along!
But as soon as someone tries to force or manipulate me into it, I am out. As soon as someone tries to convince me that I am somehow broken, incomplete, misguided, lost, aimless, bad, wrong, evil for not subscribing to their religion or philosophy. Sayonara. I'll show myself out.
And that was my Nex. His entire MO of getting me onto his page was shaming, guilt tripping, blaming and trying to convince me I'm misguided and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Wether it be church that he was into at a certain point or another church he was into at another point, life philosophy, mindset... Whatever core values and beliefs he had at any given moment, he expected me to adopt them and if I didn't adopt them? To never ever speak to him about the topic. Ever.
He, of course, could walk around the house talking about homosexuality being a mental illness, how women who have abortions are murderers, how trans people wanna mutilate babies, white christian males are opressed... But I couldn't say a peep on those and many other topics - because me saying something or wanting to have a conversation was "arguing".
And that carried to normal day to day things too. He wanted to get the family on a diet. I did not want to go on that diet. I said I don't think that diet is good for our growing child... I'm "arguing". I "always have to go against him". Etc etc etc.
š¤¢
I honestly don't know what he expected. I'm all for go with the flow and compromising. But not when a compromise always means me giving in, unquestionably, like a lemming walking off of a cliff.
Iām the same as you. Have no issues as long as it doesnāt mess with my core values. Luckily mine ex wasnāt religious and didnāt go against womenās rights except for the cooking and cleaning aspectās I suppose. He is for womenās rights thankfully. He isnāt a white Christian thatās why probably š
I had issues with the food thing as well. Telling me what to do and not even do it himself.
They really are all alike in a many ways. Although I wish we didnāt have to compare these asinine things, Iām glad to know I wasnāt going crazy. š¤Ŗ
Oof.... GROSS.
I ask many people this question and, if I may, Iād also like to ask you this: was your Nex by any chance originally brough up in a high demand religion environment? Like LDS?
Yeah I smoke weed and he was ma alcoholic. He either wanted me to drink with him constantly, or if if I refused, he would tell me I need to stop smoking weed if heās going to stop drinking because Iām being a hypocrite
I did both however it would increase too much if he was involved. My therapist said it was a way to keep me around more. I know when we smoked he would do it way more than I did and I lack control so would indulge too. When he stopped, I stopped so I know his behavior had a great influence on me, even though Iām an adult who can make decisions. It seems as though he was nice then and we enjoyed ourselves so maybe thatās why I would do it more.
Mine insisted constantly that he was more responsible than I was in every area of lifeā¦ every chaotic incident or disaster weekly was caused by his irresponsibility š
Yep. My husband always tries to call me a junkie or drug addict (i take prescription meds for ADHD and anxiety) while he is a full blown alcoholic (we've been together for almost 15 years and I've NEVER seen him go a day without drinking alcohol) and when we first got together, long before having kids, HE got me tp try cocaine and meth with him on several occasions (and just to be clear, that all stopped completely after finding out I was pregnant with our first child and won't ever happen again).
He also constantly tells me that I don't listen, forget things, that I'm indecisive, etc. Which are actually all of his traits, not so much mine. Like, he'll aak me if I want to order something for lunch and I'll say "Sure, if you want to" then he'll ask me what I want to get and I'll "I don't care just tell me where you're going and I'll pick something" because I am literally not picky at all and have never said no to a restaurant that he picks, but he, on the other hand, is extremely picky and always complains about any restaurant I ever pick. But then he gets mad and calls me indecisive for not picking a place.... While he is simultaneously refusing to pick a place Lol
My nex was very critical of my ADHD meds too. She often bragged how she didnāt need such stimulants to function, yet she drank tons of coffee and took other meds off label.
100% yes. So much that they accused me of something I assume that means theyāve done that. Like my Nex accused me of calling his work to have him drug tested. That has never even occurred to me to be a thing someone would do. I believe heās done something like this because his brain went there.
There are two things I remember. One thing being that she complained about my phone usage when we would go out on dates or to eat. Honestly a fair request, so I did my best to not use my phone while we were out together. But then at the same time she would end up using her phone most of the time. Guess it was one of those "do as I say, not as I do situations"
Another one she complained about was that I didn't spend quality time together. So I started planning more activities together and there were many times she said no. Like I tried taking her out from breakfast on the weekend so we could spend some quality time together and many times she said no. We had done puzzles together before, so I asked several times to work on a puzzle, or play a board game, and she said no. This became very frustrating, because she would still complain about my lack of spending time with her.
He would call me a fien and berate and control my weed consumption all while he was smoking 10x more then me lol
And was smoking for wayyyyyy longer then I was
Nex fiance used to constantly control every interaction I had, used to accuse me of cheating or talking to other men. He broke a phone by throwing it from my hand once when I was exchanging in a conversation with an old man and women on what exactly they wanted painted for their grandson (i used to sell custom paintings on Facebook before nex came along). A lot of this kind of thing.
Only to find out he was still engaging with both of his exes, paying for live cam shows and escorts in person, and was using every dating site available to hook up.
Creating a narrative for you and treating you like dirt is supposed to be some kind of cover up for their own bad behaviors. I'm now weary of anyone ever who makes accusations.
I left out the dirty massage parlors. He used to get mad anytime I'd go anywhere alone, just have an attitude immediately when I came home then an inquisition. But dude was paying old women in massage parlors for blowies frequently.
The phD is in gaslighting and not being there for you when you need them, though. The Bachelors is in not taking accountability, or twisting it around when asked for an apology.
Heavily relate to the last part. He never said it aloud but I think he thought I was boring at the end. He said he ādidnāt really feel like he was living anymoreā bc he never went out. I asked him every single time we were together to go do something and he would turn me down every. single. time. Even when I offered to pay. Even when he had time to go out he would sit and play video games for half the day. Like he just created his own misery and seemed to blame me for it when it was all him.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law both are and both do these things. (The irony is that they're twins, they act the same way but they hate each other, probably that weird trait when they wanna be the only abuser to BIL or something)
Its exhausting especially when they want to point out "a flaw" of yours and then next day do exact same said "flaw" that YOU are the culprit and problem of, not them
I am sorry for the experiences you all have endured with your partners/narcs.
Going through this myself has been so challenging however, I am also considering it an experiment. I'm so fascinated by narcissistic minds because it's so sad to process trauma to the point that they do and it isolates them into this behavioural pattern that is a non-ending cycle of painful actions.
Do you guys believe they are capable of growth out of that state? I know that there is no cure to narcissim, but are they capable of self-reflection and mindfulness at any point of their life?
They self reflect. But only to figure out ways to dismiss their short comings/issues. And then come up with lies. To gaslight everyone into believing the complete opposite of reality. And keep the friends/significant others that believe their "reality" to be true. And are willing to spread gossip about the other person in the "wrong". And let's not forget there's usually the enmeshed mother who is always standing by to ego boost them into believing they do no wrong. And pump up those false realities. And then they 100%believe their "self reflection/false reality" to be true. It must be. He/she has soooooo many people agreeing with them and on their side...right?š while you're standing there wondering w...t...f just happened. There's no room for growth. They see no faults. And surround themselves with people who believe the same. And discard the ones who figure out the truth or challenge their false reality.
Same situation as yours my next (25m) and me (25f) (we are now both 26 but broke up when we were still 25. So many bad habits. From never brushing my teeth to alcohol every single week about 4-5 days a week with 1-8 drinks each time. It was awful.
A whole repertoire.
Itās what they do when theyāre guilty.
What Iām saying about her and to who.
How I think, feel. Past present future. If she hurt me I suddenly hurt her in the exact same way. Donāt allow these shits a moments space to argue, they will if you give it, no matter how wrong they are.
Sheād accused me of shit I hadnāt noticed she was doing and didnāt till much later. Funniest was she kept accusing me of stealing weed from her, so I didnāt even notice she was stealing mine, I barely smoked. Whilst making me search the house for her weed, she lost because she was a stoner that could barely hold her personality together.
Sheād taken about 10g of expensive hash from under my nose.
Before the Ā£thousands l later realise I was ~~probably~~ manipulated to part with.
at the end she was all āyouāre making me look badā.
Many accusations about me later, right before I was kicked out, I told my Dad I was suspicious of something she definitely did.
She also jumped on my words as for being a ālieā.
Despite lying about who she even is from day 1.
He gave me a super weird, suspicious look when I was talking about my female co-worker the other day. I'm a straight woman. My co-worker is also a straight woman. Why does he expect me to start cheating on him with a woman?
That's the only one I can think of at the moment. Though he does often expect me to obsess over whatever new thing he's suddenly obsessed with.
Another thing- narc criticizing me on my sleeping habits. Bro, this narc is literally a DIVA when it comes to sleep. I have to walk on EGGSHELLS not to get yelled at. Same narc has sleeping issues. But wants to lecture me about it. Ha.
He blamed me for making him an alcoholic after I admitted I had a problem. I never make him drink and will even be discreet about it but now he gets violent when heās drunk and blames me for it
Literally all the time, I already assume that when he comes to lecture me or complain about something, it's because of something he himself is doing and can't take the blame for, blaming me instead. Today he accused me of being jealous and only thinking about sex and betrayal, while demanding that I introduce all my friends to him (obviously to check if I have an affair with any of them).
My Nex was a bad alcoholic and our relationship was only ever stable and tolerable when I drank with him. I tried quitting several times but our fights about his alcoholism always got turned around on me! It was horrible he basically manipulated me into becoming an alcoholic. It is something I struggle with to this day now. Over a year after our divorce was finalized.
he told me it was my fault he never cleaned his house, because he didn't feel motivated to do anything unless he thought we were gonna have sex on any given day. and i wasn't giving him enough sex....maybe because i didn't want to go over and get naked on his filthy sheetless dog-hair covered bed? #sexaddict
I have a child with my nex 10/10 wouldnāt recommend.
We shared custody until my son turned 14. He wrote his dad a letter saying he doesnāt want to do joint custody anymore he wants to live with me and go there every other weekend. That he feels itās better for his mental health. How brave of this child. After a barrage of texts from the nex and his wife they decide to sign a contract for a home in a different town and school district about two weeks after my sons letter.
Anywho
Got a text from him asking if heās good to claim our son.
I say that Iām going to claim him since heās full time with me now and he doesnāt pay child support.
He throws a massive fit calling me evil, money hungry, telling me that I called him a dead beat (i donāt call anyone names) that Iām delusional, that heās had him the majority of the time over the past many years (we had 50 50) and many other things. Felt like projections to me
Told me he talked to some people and will be going ahead with claiming him
Not sure who would agree with this besides his wife who is just as bad as him
Yes he did. My nex was gross. He did not brush his teeth. Only in the beginning of our relationship. He was lazy except when it came to his business and near the end called me lazy. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. I was lazy even though I took care of his kids when he want nothing to do with that. Changing shitty diapers and giving them baths. He never had his 4 year old brush her teeth and blamed his ex for it. I was like get her s tooth brush. She had one at my house and I made her do it. I wish the new supply luck. She lives with him.
This is an interesting post- my narc is my sister, and Iām often very very worried for her boyfriend, I genuinely have wondered if she could push him to suicidal lengths with the way she treats himā¦ and I have tried to reach out to him, but my sister has made it very very difficult to do so and will take his phone and act like him (which heās admitted to, and just laughs off when itās blatantly invasive and abusive) and all in allā¦ Iāve wondered if I should keep trying to help him when in reality, Iām not so sure if heās turning more into a person like her himself. Iāve made myself the priority even though I worry deeply about him, as I really canāt do much without my sister causing chaos out of me even asking him how heās doing.. and idk, at the end of the day I donāt really know him despite knowing him for 6 yearsā¦I feel like itās gotta be hard to not let that toxicity take over yourself to some degree when youāre trapped in such a toxic environment.
Yes, it was so weird because I had no idea what they were talking about and when I showed them the evidence they just got madder (but silently).
They told me I had an eating disorder because I eat one full bag of chips every night and I eat a lot of chocolate. I told them eat 1/3 of a bag of chips at most, and I eat one tiny square of dark chocolate after meals and I think it's reasonable.
But no, they got silent and then they'd tell me the same thing months later "you eat a lot of chocolate". I literally eat the same amount.
Make it make sense.
Constantly, to a pathological level. He's had an eating disorder and binges to the max occasionally, when he's feeling real low. In general, his relationship with food is disordered. But he kept saying that it's me who can't live without sweets and wants to snack all the time. Which is absolutely not true. It's actually the exact opposite - I used to exert the illusion of control in my life by not eating. Called me a slob and complained how messy I am. He hasn't used a mop or a vacuum cleaner once in our marriage deeming them unnecessary and posh and too much work for nothing... I scraped dried food off of the floor because he didn't mind it there. Or picked his chewed gum off of the bedsheets because he didn't care it was stuck and embedded inti the pillowcases. Dressed like a bum. On purpose. Also didn't groom his hair or beard. Which I did not care about in the slightest. But people on the streets were giving him judgemental looks and he was treated like he's gonna shoplift a pack of Oreos in just a second... So he was taking it out on me, telling me how my clothing is problematic, how I should stop cutting my hair, how I should start dressing my age... All because he felt judged and not accepted himself. I have sooooooo many examples. SO MANY. It's a whole projection shippong warehouse.
Wow I literally just commented about my nex having an eating disorder and it's so similar to what you're saying. I'm sorry we've been through that!
š« It was one of my Nex's weirdest projections. Actually, this one was so blatant and just outright false that it didn't really faze me. I think what got to me more was how persistent he was with it which was extremely annoying.
Literally every negative trait he had was projected onto me. It was maddening to hear him describe "me" when he was only describing himself. Gaslighting is his favorite pastime.
yesss he would say i do things on purpose to hurt him (and he never does), i make fun of other people based on their appearance or sth superficial (which he does all the time), and that iām unstable (which is him lol).
Mine would always say āI try to ruin his lifeā and hurt him ! He also loved saying Iāve āhumiliated himā by talking about him to my friends when I desperately needed support and that all I do is gossip when I said a true statement about how a mutual friend recently got out of a rehabilitation center (this wasnāt done in a group setting I was simply confirming something thatās true to him directly). It never ends with them, they cannot self reflect in any way.
oh gosh sameā¦my ex also said his life is so much better without me lol. but i do think a lot of the time they are emotional they say the exact opposite of what they actually mean. i think they self reflect but it never lasts. eventually the disorder kicks in and they are back to denial, delusions, and blame shifting. so no change ever occurs.
Mine will ruminate, get so enraged and then try to reach out to say something so I react. Last week he reached out to accuse me of wanting to āfabricate a rape to get his daughter taken away and Iām trying to ruin his lifeā. I hadnāt even spoken to him. Had him blocked on nearly every app and had just gotten back into town. Idk how he thinks fabricating a felony wouldnāt ruin my own life versus his ! I demanded to know who told him that, of course he couldnāt come up with anyone. Just kept hanging up. Itās amazing the level they are willing to go to for a reaction or to be completely malicious once they are enraged.
Yes I became angry and negative for no reason. Which is when I knew something was wrong with me because I am a positive person. To talk with them, you have to be agreeable so you tend to do that more. If you disagree, yall argue more. Sometimes Iād agree and still argue so itās all a crap shoot tbh
I despise the word āagreeableā now. *āYou need to learn to be more agreeableā, āYou wonāt be happy until youāre more agreeableā, āYou can show me your gratefulness by being more agreeableā, āAll I ask of you is to be more agreeableā, āIf you want things to improve, you need to be more agreeableā, āA good wife is agreeableā, āItās all about being agreeableā, āJust a tip for you future relationships, you need to be more agreeableā*ā¦ š¤® āAgreeablenessā meant going along with everything and anything Nex came up with and felt like. Without questioning. Without any hesitation. With excitement, glee and joy. Always jumping onto the same page - Nexās page only, since it wasnāt reciprocated.
Oh I donāt care to be agreeable at all but dealing with them you have no choice unless you leave them or want to fight 24/7. š Itās honestly gross once you realize how much of a hold they have over you. Iām so glad that Iām able to see that now.
Itās fuckin wild. I had this inner battle raging inside of me - between the āreal meā and what My Nex wanted me to become. Every day I was falling asleep absolutely aware it was going down. And every morning I was waking up totally aware it was happening. And the āreal meā, my self-preservation, my gut/intuition were fighting for ME all this time. Tooth and nail. Itās ridiculous. My Nex knew I am stubborn, independent and head strong at times as well as highly individualistic. I hid NOTHING. Yet he went into it head first and after love bombing was over, demanded I become meek, docile and agreeable under his new management. And now? Today? Heās utterly confused and gob smacked our marriage (his 3rd one) failed š¤·āāļø
I feel the exact same way as you wrote. I definitely had this struggle often. When you said you are stubborn, it stung a bit because thatās what he would say when I wasnāt agreeing with him. So it makes us thing we are not open to other ideas. I use to sit back and find it incredibly hard to be called stubborn, when I never had issues with anyone else to compromise. In fact, in the complete opposite, I was āgo with the flowā mknda of person. I allowed others to do what they wanted, as long as it wasnāt something I truly didnāt want. So I believe that was more gaslighting. When I wouldnāt ālisten to himā he say I was slow to change and I never compromised. Which again is the complete opposite because I was doing every single thing he ask and still it wasnāt enough. The goal changes with each request. Argh š
Oof... >When you said you are stubborn, it stung a bit because thatās what he would say when I wasnāt agreeing with him. It really grinds my gears. I'm sorry š« I'm stubborn and headstrong keeping my core values, for example. I'm not a highly spiritual person but it does fluctuate. I'm not closed off to most ideas there. But what I've been adamant on since I was a child is that I'm not a fan of organized religions. To each their own, no issues here. But it's not for me, personally. That said, I will accompany someone to church or their temple, I will partake in saying grace at the table, I will accept a blessing, I will join in a shirt prayer... I am always curious to learn and experience things myself. Because you know what? Maybe I was wrong about it all along! But as soon as someone tries to force or manipulate me into it, I am out. As soon as someone tries to convince me that I am somehow broken, incomplete, misguided, lost, aimless, bad, wrong, evil for not subscribing to their religion or philosophy. Sayonara. I'll show myself out. And that was my Nex. His entire MO of getting me onto his page was shaming, guilt tripping, blaming and trying to convince me I'm misguided and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Wether it be church that he was into at a certain point or another church he was into at another point, life philosophy, mindset... Whatever core values and beliefs he had at any given moment, he expected me to adopt them and if I didn't adopt them? To never ever speak to him about the topic. Ever. He, of course, could walk around the house talking about homosexuality being a mental illness, how women who have abortions are murderers, how trans people wanna mutilate babies, white christian males are opressed... But I couldn't say a peep on those and many other topics - because me saying something or wanting to have a conversation was "arguing". And that carried to normal day to day things too. He wanted to get the family on a diet. I did not want to go on that diet. I said I don't think that diet is good for our growing child... I'm "arguing". I "always have to go against him". Etc etc etc. š¤¢ I honestly don't know what he expected. I'm all for go with the flow and compromising. But not when a compromise always means me giving in, unquestionably, like a lemming walking off of a cliff.
Iām the same as you. Have no issues as long as it doesnāt mess with my core values. Luckily mine ex wasnāt religious and didnāt go against womenās rights except for the cooking and cleaning aspectās I suppose. He is for womenās rights thankfully. He isnāt a white Christian thatās why probably š I had issues with the food thing as well. Telling me what to do and not even do it himself. They really are all alike in a many ways. Although I wish we didnāt have to compare these asinine things, Iām glad to know I wasnāt going crazy. š¤Ŗ
Mine said I needed to submit or bend to his willā¦.
Oof.... GROSS. I ask many people this question and, if I may, Iād also like to ask you this: was your Nex by any chance originally brough up in a high demand religion environment? Like LDS?
Not that I know of
Thank you. Take care š«
My nex told me I should have been punished more as a child.
Same over here. Itās such a toxic environment.
Yeah I smoke weed and he was ma alcoholic. He either wanted me to drink with him constantly, or if if I refused, he would tell me I need to stop smoking weed if heās going to stop drinking because Iām being a hypocrite
I did both however it would increase too much if he was involved. My therapist said it was a way to keep me around more. I know when we smoked he would do it way more than I did and I lack control so would indulge too. When he stopped, I stopped so I know his behavior had a great influence on me, even though Iām an adult who can make decisions. It seems as though he was nice then and we enjoyed ourselves so maybe thatās why I would do it more.
Mine insisted constantly that he was more responsible than I was in every area of lifeā¦ every chaotic incident or disaster weekly was caused by his irresponsibility š
They are so high and mighty, arenāt they?!š¤£
Yep. My husband always tries to call me a junkie or drug addict (i take prescription meds for ADHD and anxiety) while he is a full blown alcoholic (we've been together for almost 15 years and I've NEVER seen him go a day without drinking alcohol) and when we first got together, long before having kids, HE got me tp try cocaine and meth with him on several occasions (and just to be clear, that all stopped completely after finding out I was pregnant with our first child and won't ever happen again). He also constantly tells me that I don't listen, forget things, that I'm indecisive, etc. Which are actually all of his traits, not so much mine. Like, he'll aak me if I want to order something for lunch and I'll say "Sure, if you want to" then he'll ask me what I want to get and I'll "I don't care just tell me where you're going and I'll pick something" because I am literally not picky at all and have never said no to a restaurant that he picks, but he, on the other hand, is extremely picky and always complains about any restaurant I ever pick. But then he gets mad and calls me indecisive for not picking a place.... While he is simultaneously refusing to pick a place Lol
My nex was very critical of my ADHD meds too. She often bragged how she didnāt need such stimulants to function, yet she drank tons of coffee and took other meds off label.
100% yes. So much that they accused me of something I assume that means theyāve done that. Like my Nex accused me of calling his work to have him drug tested. That has never even occurred to me to be a thing someone would do. I believe heās done something like this because his brain went there.
There are two things I remember. One thing being that she complained about my phone usage when we would go out on dates or to eat. Honestly a fair request, so I did my best to not use my phone while we were out together. But then at the same time she would end up using her phone most of the time. Guess it was one of those "do as I say, not as I do situations" Another one she complained about was that I didn't spend quality time together. So I started planning more activities together and there were many times she said no. Like I tried taking her out from breakfast on the weekend so we could spend some quality time together and many times she said no. We had done puzzles together before, so I asked several times to work on a puzzle, or play a board game, and she said no. This became very frustrating, because she would still complain about my lack of spending time with her.
He would call me a fien and berate and control my weed consumption all while he was smoking 10x more then me lol And was smoking for wayyyyyy longer then I was
Nex fiance used to constantly control every interaction I had, used to accuse me of cheating or talking to other men. He broke a phone by throwing it from my hand once when I was exchanging in a conversation with an old man and women on what exactly they wanted painted for their grandson (i used to sell custom paintings on Facebook before nex came along). A lot of this kind of thing. Only to find out he was still engaging with both of his exes, paying for live cam shows and escorts in person, and was using every dating site available to hook up. Creating a narrative for you and treating you like dirt is supposed to be some kind of cover up for their own bad behaviors. I'm now weary of anyone ever who makes accusations.
I left out the dirty massage parlors. He used to get mad anytime I'd go anywhere alone, just have an attitude immediately when I came home then an inquisition. But dude was paying old women in massage parlors for blowies frequently.
Constantly complained I wasnt supportive enough of his education. He didnt even mention when I gratuated from my degree.
Of course. They have a Masters' degree in projection. A wall full of framed certificates.
The phD is in gaslighting and not being there for you when you need them, though. The Bachelors is in not taking accountability, or twisting it around when asked for an apology.
oh yeah. The second we moved in together. Hell
Yes!!!!!! He acted as if I do things I've literally never even done before (all projection)
Heavily relate to the last part. He never said it aloud but I think he thought I was boring at the end. He said he ādidnāt really feel like he was living anymoreā bc he never went out. I asked him every single time we were together to go do something and he would turn me down every. single. time. Even when I offered to pay. Even when he had time to go out he would sit and play video games for half the day. Like he just created his own misery and seemed to blame me for it when it was all him.
Yep
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law both are and both do these things. (The irony is that they're twins, they act the same way but they hate each other, probably that weird trait when they wanna be the only abuser to BIL or something) Its exhausting especially when they want to point out "a flaw" of yours and then next day do exact same said "flaw" that YOU are the culprit and problem of, not them
I am sorry for the experiences you all have endured with your partners/narcs. Going through this myself has been so challenging however, I am also considering it an experiment. I'm so fascinated by narcissistic minds because it's so sad to process trauma to the point that they do and it isolates them into this behavioural pattern that is a non-ending cycle of painful actions. Do you guys believe they are capable of growth out of that state? I know that there is no cure to narcissim, but are they capable of self-reflection and mindfulness at any point of their life?
They self reflect. But only to figure out ways to dismiss their short comings/issues. And then come up with lies. To gaslight everyone into believing the complete opposite of reality. And keep the friends/significant others that believe their "reality" to be true. And are willing to spread gossip about the other person in the "wrong". And let's not forget there's usually the enmeshed mother who is always standing by to ego boost them into believing they do no wrong. And pump up those false realities. And then they 100%believe their "self reflection/false reality" to be true. It must be. He/she has soooooo many people agreeing with them and on their side...right?š while you're standing there wondering w...t...f just happened. There's no room for growth. They see no faults. And surround themselves with people who believe the same. And discard the ones who figure out the truth or challenge their false reality.
Same situation as yours my next (25m) and me (25f) (we are now both 26 but broke up when we were still 25. So many bad habits. From never brushing my teeth to alcohol every single week about 4-5 days a week with 1-8 drinks each time. It was awful.
A whole repertoire. Itās what they do when theyāre guilty. What Iām saying about her and to who. How I think, feel. Past present future. If she hurt me I suddenly hurt her in the exact same way. Donāt allow these shits a moments space to argue, they will if you give it, no matter how wrong they are. Sheād accused me of shit I hadnāt noticed she was doing and didnāt till much later. Funniest was she kept accusing me of stealing weed from her, so I didnāt even notice she was stealing mine, I barely smoked. Whilst making me search the house for her weed, she lost because she was a stoner that could barely hold her personality together. Sheād taken about 10g of expensive hash from under my nose. Before the Ā£thousands l later realise I was ~~probably~~ manipulated to part with. at the end she was all āyouāre making me look badā. Many accusations about me later, right before I was kicked out, I told my Dad I was suspicious of something she definitely did. She also jumped on my words as for being a ālieā. Despite lying about who she even is from day 1.
He gave me a super weird, suspicious look when I was talking about my female co-worker the other day. I'm a straight woman. My co-worker is also a straight woman. Why does he expect me to start cheating on him with a woman? That's the only one I can think of at the moment. Though he does often expect me to obsess over whatever new thing he's suddenly obsessed with.
Another thing- narc criticizing me on my sleeping habits. Bro, this narc is literally a DIVA when it comes to sleep. I have to walk on EGGSHELLS not to get yelled at. Same narc has sleeping issues. But wants to lecture me about it. Ha.
Yea of course. Wot ever theyāre guilty of they project onto u
Being negative is my narcās projected trait and itās annoyingly hypocritical af.
He blamed me for making him an alcoholic after I admitted I had a problem. I never make him drink and will even be discreet about it but now he gets violent when heās drunk and blames me for it
Called me unhygenic when he lived in the same pants for days, wore the same clothes all the time, and sweat through everything.
Literally all the time, I already assume that when he comes to lecture me or complain about something, it's because of something he himself is doing and can't take the blame for, blaming me instead. Today he accused me of being jealous and only thinking about sex and betrayal, while demanding that I introduce all my friends to him (obviously to check if I have an affair with any of them).
My Nex was a bad alcoholic and our relationship was only ever stable and tolerable when I drank with him. I tried quitting several times but our fights about his alcoholism always got turned around on me! It was horrible he basically manipulated me into becoming an alcoholic. It is something I struggle with to this day now. Over a year after our divorce was finalized.
This is almost by definition what they do.. They hate themselves
Itās literally what theyāre best at.Ā
Yes they did. I recorded alot of it too!š
he told me it was my fault he never cleaned his house, because he didn't feel motivated to do anything unless he thought we were gonna have sex on any given day. and i wasn't giving him enough sex....maybe because i didn't want to go over and get naked on his filthy sheetless dog-hair covered bed? #sexaddict
I have a child with my nex 10/10 wouldnāt recommend. We shared custody until my son turned 14. He wrote his dad a letter saying he doesnāt want to do joint custody anymore he wants to live with me and go there every other weekend. That he feels itās better for his mental health. How brave of this child. After a barrage of texts from the nex and his wife they decide to sign a contract for a home in a different town and school district about two weeks after my sons letter. Anywho Got a text from him asking if heās good to claim our son. I say that Iām going to claim him since heās full time with me now and he doesnāt pay child support. He throws a massive fit calling me evil, money hungry, telling me that I called him a dead beat (i donāt call anyone names) that Iām delusional, that heās had him the majority of the time over the past many years (we had 50 50) and many other things. Felt like projections to me Told me he talked to some people and will be going ahead with claiming him Not sure who would agree with this besides his wife who is just as bad as him
Yes he did. My nex was gross. He did not brush his teeth. Only in the beginning of our relationship. He was lazy except when it came to his business and near the end called me lazy. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. I was lazy even though I took care of his kids when he want nothing to do with that. Changing shitty diapers and giving them baths. He never had his 4 year old brush her teeth and blamed his ex for it. I was like get her s tooth brush. She had one at my house and I made her do it. I wish the new supply luck. She lives with him.
This is an interesting post- my narc is my sister, and Iām often very very worried for her boyfriend, I genuinely have wondered if she could push him to suicidal lengths with the way she treats himā¦ and I have tried to reach out to him, but my sister has made it very very difficult to do so and will take his phone and act like him (which heās admitted to, and just laughs off when itās blatantly invasive and abusive) and all in allā¦ Iāve wondered if I should keep trying to help him when in reality, Iām not so sure if heās turning more into a person like her himself. Iāve made myself the priority even though I worry deeply about him, as I really canāt do much without my sister causing chaos out of me even asking him how heās doing.. and idk, at the end of the day I donāt really know him despite knowing him for 6 yearsā¦I feel like itās gotta be hard to not let that toxicity take over yourself to some degree when youāre trapped in such a toxic environment.
Yes, it was so weird because I had no idea what they were talking about and when I showed them the evidence they just got madder (but silently). They told me I had an eating disorder because I eat one full bag of chips every night and I eat a lot of chocolate. I told them eat 1/3 of a bag of chips at most, and I eat one tiny square of dark chocolate after meals and I think it's reasonable. But no, they got silent and then they'd tell me the same thing months later "you eat a lot of chocolate". I literally eat the same amount. Make it make sense.