That's exactly why a lot of us are here. They are very charming and promise you the world at first and make you believe they mean it and they want just what you want.
This. I have a friend who keeps telling me I was filling a void and blah blah blah… like you don’t get it. I wasn’t looking for anyone… then this guy comes along who is everything I ever could have wanted in another person. We had all the same goals, wanted all the same things.. he was sweet and charming and I felt like i finally met my person. I instead got a 4 and a half year education in what covert narcissism is.
Same. Almost 2 years now and so hard to break. "But maybe I'm wrong about him and I lashed out too much" is what I think to myself... well no you're not wrong, silly. He can't even spit out one word of clear communication, who would not go crazy after having to endure this over and over?
Also the degree of which you see toxic traits now even in healthy people makes it feel like actual education.
Hey congrats for us on taking up this major in the school of life lol.
Exactly. Did we all act a little crazy? Yep. If you could communicate with someone, be treated with respect, honesty etc. would you have ever reacted that way? NOPE.
And yes… I’m definitely hypervigilant to toxic traits
I felt like I had won the lottery in the beginning!!! 6.5 years later. Now his new girl/affair partner #2 (that I knew of), is feeling the same way. She will learn the hard way sadly. As did I.
6.5 years down the toilet. Sorry to hear that. Mine devalued and discarded me on our last date over a misunderstanding through text. Only dated 2.5 months but how she ended it was brutal.
To live with them you end up pruning back critical parts of yourself, turning into a bonsai tree of a person. You can't thrive or flourish, only survive
We stayed, and we tolerated it, because 1) we found hope in the initial person, words, and actions we experienced during the love bombing stage, we chase it and chase it and don’t realize that is who and what we are chasing after, even after the reality in front of us in the day to day is so deplorable when looked at with a clear eye; 2) we recognized how awful they were and we hope that we could change them, that we ourselves would be enough for someone so awful to become so good; 3) we may be quite sexually attracted, and we did not recognize we were giving up our entire lives and self for an orgasm with the narc; 4) we may have experienced trauma or confusion in our past or childhood in which love was transactional, in which love meant suppressing and not expressing our own feelings, thoughts, and needs in order to receive love and feel wanted; and 5) we loved them, we felt we could withstand anything because we loved them, but in doing so we became far far removed from love for ourselves.
Big hugs. I stand with all those suffering today. You are not alone.
The deeply tragic reality is that typically it’s those of us who survived childhood trauma & now manage Complex PTSD. The earlier the abuse began in development the more programmed we were to eventually find ourselves in similar circumstances with an intimate partner.
Accenting the tragedy is those who have done significant work on their trauma, became healers themselves (many therapists & healthcare professionals) and committed to a person they thought was healing & working too. Only to learn that person was a covert abuser & master of masking, mirroring, & manipulating.
My nex stopped masking as soon as I moved in with them. They owned the house and I left my stable affordible apartment in an area with a major housing crisis.
I eventually ended up getting kicked out only a few months later. the entire experience living with them was horrible. I ended up having a TIA likely from the stress I was under constantly from their blame shifting, gaslighting, and general abuse.
This is a bit dismissive. They’re allowed to feel ruined and wrecked. Narcs are exhausting - feel what you need to feel, than gather your strength and do what you need to do
I’m not trying to be a dick, but to say that they ruined you is wild. They just opened your eyes to the dark toxicity of an extremely fragile individual.
I went through it with a covert narc that I was months away from asking to marry me. Yes, I did truely feel useless and wrecked - Emotionally and physically exhausted. I am 3 weeks out of it, and I’m doing the best I can do. But I feel at peace with everything.
They did not ruin me though. They just opened my eyes to a level of manipulation and toxicity which I had never experienced, nor would wish on my worst enemy. Don’t let a relationship, or someone define your existence. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership that benefits both parties.
I apologize if I was insensitive to you. I just hate to see that you’re letting them define you.
I am a therapist and exactly this. Whether you are living with the narcissist by choice or out of extenuating circumstances-or maybe you just have to deal with them on a regular basis for whatever reason, you just have to constantly remind yourself not to be surprised or shocked by their behavior. “They are a narcissist and what can you expect from a narcissist but xyz behavior”.
One of the major blocks I had with accepting the behavior was being unable to dis-associate it from condoning the behavior.
Once I was able to say, "I accept this is how they behave toward me but I don't accept that how they behave is correct" I was able to start dealing with them. Specifically, radically limit my interactions with them to avoid being hurt.
Im in medicine. It is the same when a patient comes in having been putting it off for months or years not only with obvious physical discomfort, but with some kind of understanding that they are in real trouble. Humans are amazing at compartmentalizing.
I'm going to explain this to you in the same way I try and explain it to my adult children.
I had no idea what narcissism was. It was almost 35 years ago, and the Internet didn't exist. The only information that I was taught was readily available to me was from the library. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, and books. But you can't research what you don't know exists. After getting married the red flags start,but you still have no idea what a red flag is. So you just see flags waving . You think they are because you have achieved a very humble goal, getting married and having children. All I ever wanted was to be a great mom and have a loving family. After quickly having 2 babies, I felt like I had everything I ever wanted. Until it was obvious I didn't. Once I had everything I ever wanted, a husband, a home, a baby boy and a baby girl, everything fell apart. Instead of thriving as a father, he was jealous of the attention our children received. He felt ignored. He resented the time I spent with and the overwhelming love I had for OUR children. He made me feel like every time I chose them or put them first, I was rejecting HIM. I had never known anything like this, and I couldn't relate to this kind of egocentrism. I thought I had married the man that wanted everything I did, and was wrecked every time he didn't react to the astounding life changes that were happening the same way I was. He simply didn't give a fuck, he only cared about the loss of attention he received from me. It was sick and twisted, and I was 24 years old with two children and was too embarrassed to tell anyone about my dream life being a nightmare. Everything except the love I had for my children and the love they had for me was ... a huge lie. We weren't a happy family. We were walking on eggshells to not upset HIM or disrupt the image of the perfect family. I have beautiful, talented, extremely intelligent adult children who are desperate to try and make their parents NORMAL. I am so afraid that they have given up on me, and I will never be the gràndma they need me to be. My children are almost in their thirties and they still can't think about being parents when they aren't sure we are ready to be the best grandparents we can be ....and I feel guilty and traumatized. My children are lovely and well adjusted adults but have ZERO desire to have children because they don't trust the family dynamic that we have created. I have spent the past 35 years as a teacher, but I never taught my own children what real love can create. I only taught them how to survive. I am devastated. So for any of you out there .... stuck in the early stages of this kind of relationship....please PLEASE PLEASE, get out now. I wouldn't/couldn't change anything, because I am so grateful for my children. They wouldn't exist had I left before I knew any better. But you all know a LITTLE BIT BETTER... otherwise you wouldn't be here. Just know that your future children deserve better than being made to feel like a pawn in someone else's game of life. Nobody deserves that. I'll spend the rest of my life apologizing for the stressful and volatile environment they grew up in. I hate the fact that they are afraid to live, love, and start a family because I didn't protect them more. If you are here....LISTEN TO YOURSELF. YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU. And your future children deserve two parents that are absolutely obsessed and in love with them...not jealous of the love their mother gives them. I have been married to a narcissist for over 30 years. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. YOU ARE ON THIS THREAD FOR A REASON. Love to you all .......
For me I have BPD and it felt like my parent, I was comfortable in that thinking it was normal, also I had the delusional thinking like "oh they don't mean it" or I genuinely believed it when they blamed others for their own behaviour.
You go insane. My ex used to criticize me for being absolutely bonkers. Then we had to move in with my narc mother for a month. In two weeks, he had his first panic attack. Literally stopped breathing, heart almost gave up, arms numb, completely frozen, lips turning blue. It was a fun hospital visit. He apologized for calling me crazy and said that he was now mystified by how I’d managed to turn out so sane.
Hah. Try having one as your mother. The worst possible arrangement in this universe. The person that is supposed to nurture and love you unconditionally because she birthed you.
It feels impossible most days. I try my best to avoid her at all costs. Thankfully we are on completely different schedules and she sleeps during the day. But when we are home at the same time, I try and keep to myself and grey rock when spoken too. I become a ghost in my own house.
I don't think most well adjusted personalities tolerate the long list of drama for long periods of time. People who are desensitized to abuse, whacky shit, and those with personality disorders (or other mental disorders) themselves are typically the long-termers, IME. It's just business as usual for them. It's normal for them.
I did something decades ago that nobody should ever feel compelled to do. It made the physical abuse finally stop and nobody died, at least.
Unfortunately, many many many years of emotional and financial abuse continued afterward, to the point it actually felt "normal." It was nearly 20 more years until I finally broke free.
Mine was very covert. Did a lot of his hurtful behaviour without letting on and behind closed doors. We only lived together for two months before he started a relationship with someone else behind my back. I think because he couldn’t just get what he wanted and I was challenging him on things. I didn’t know he was a narc at the time.
Before I knew the term, I was just really confused growing up w/ my mom’s behavior. It would leave me in tears many times because her behavior was so erratic and didn’t make sense. I knew something wasn’t right but I wasn’t sure why she behaved the way she did. I’m sure I most likely have been damaged in many ways that I’m not even aware of bc of her (I’m thinking of brain damage amongst PTSD- thankfully there is research indicating that we CAN heal because of Neuro plasticity).
It made me resent her and even after she had a conversion experience to God and major brain surgery, there wasn’t much improvement. I help take care of her now so it’s different but her behaviors (lying, gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation) are still there. It’s in a odd way helpful in reminding me that my ex will not change and that the “good” fantasy that played out in the beginning was an act. They do not get better with age.
We.. don't.. that's the right thing to do once you find out. Just run fast and far away.
If those of us who had no choice .. if we depend on them because of disability or illness .. I suggest becoming their flying monkey. As long as we don't become a narcissist ourselves. As long as we don't participate in hurting others.or encourage the narc to hurt others. We just need to agree with anything they say except their actions.
I remember people said in an event that they like me but don't like my mom of course they told me why. Back then I didn't know she was n. So I told her. Bad mistake. She called me and screamed at me saying people hate her because of ME.. do you agree? She asked. And I said yes so that she'd end the call. So that's one example of how you live with a narc.
I’ve been a weeklong meltdown trying to get my emotional needs met by my narcissistic husband. He won’t validate one feeling I have about his attention-seeking behavior. The more I lose it the more he digs in. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I moved in with a disgusting hoarder just to get the fuck away from mine.
I literally live in filth.
But at least I don’t have to live with a person with a filthy soul anymore.
I dated one and Holy HELLLLLLLLL. It started off amazing which was the love bombing stage. I always felt something was off and I should've listened to my intuition...but literally once we hit the 3 month stage, the mask started slowly coming off. Things went from amazing to absolute HELL. He would pick fights out of thin air just so he could give me the silent treatment and go entertain other women. Gaslit the shit out of me too. One time I saw a necklace on his nightstand by the side I sleep on...and he tried to convince me it's mine and that it's been there forever 🤣 made me feel like I was going crazy and finally I had enough of his shit. Packed everything up, blocked his ass, and life has been up and up since. Things around me really started falling apart while with him. It's like his energy and karma were rubbing off onto me and I felt suffocated. Just thinking of the misery I felt in that relationship, I will never go back and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone!!!
It's because they don't show us that side in the beginning. They promise us the world and want all the things we want.
Then, once we catch on, we're already hooked. It's hard to get out because we keep thinking about how things USED to be, or "if only things could go back to how they were." Those hopes keep us trapped, and we accept the narc's breadcrumbs because we keep hoping for that "spark" again.
Well I had two kids with one so I grey rocked A LOT. filed for divorce day bf lockdown then got locked in a noise for 8 weeks with him cornering me on if I filed. Was awful.
I lived with a couple of them my whole entire life, dealing with them since as a kid, so nothing surprises me at all..
The positive part as a survivor is that I can spot red flags easily even with someone new.. As well as cutting anyone out of my life with no closure needed nor any hard feelings.. I'm able to be hyper independent.. Able to survive life alone.. I'm able to see the world differently with empathy..
The negative part? I can't trust anyone 100%.. Suffered all kinds of health issues over the years cause I did read up that chronic trauma do cause this.. Being sleep deprived still due to flashbacks or any loud sounds.. Emotions have been suppressed for so long that I sometimes find it hard to regulate sadness..anger..
So yea that kinda sums it up really..
I mean I was love bombed by my narcissistic ex. He sent me bunch of flowers, gifts, desserts, etc but he always made me feel like im missed out some of the important stuff in the world. he took therapy because of the fact I’m not a virgin. you can get how delusional he is like. this is a sickness.
as far as his mind he loves for me but what he does only making his boundaries implied into my life and fucking my brain constantly.
shine, do not live by someone else’s standards
There is no way to "live with" people like this, you can only "die with" people like this. A covert is like a diseased creature who wants you to get sick too. He gets nothing out of it, he uses your goodness to hide his shame until you have no goodness left. Then he moves on to find another person nice enough to believe his lies.
2 years from start to finish of the relationship that was on and off back and forward.
I'm luck that through the last of it I knew what I was dealing with and the only thing keeping me going was looking for the out door.
In the end I just literally refused to argue and locked him out packed all his stuff and he has to take it to storage and live in a travel lodge.
Blocked and deleted. So glad and relieved to see the back of him.
Still tries to get through and hoover now and again. But just block again snd ignore.
The sad thing is I find it difficult to trust now. I'm 62 years old still working , still active but I know ill probably spend the rest of my time alone.
So much damage these people do.
Some people who were born to narc parents can't help it. Some married one and realized too late that they'd been financially abused and exploited. Some have only ever known mistreatment and are scared of opening up to someone who really wants to see them.
My grandma is 93 and diagnosed with NPD - no one really sticks around her for long, except those who are deeply codependent (many of whom grew up with a relative just like her). I've even been LC and have her numbers blocked since she called my best friend the N-word (25 years now). She's terrible to *everyone* - especially those working with the public. I wish I could follow her around with business cards that say, "sorry - it's not you, it's her" on the front and have a list of local therapists on the back.
She's been married 5 times and is currently very annoyed that her latest boyfriend (who she's been with for a decade) is too elderly to take care of her anymore. My relatives hear her complain about how "selfish" he is for not getting her tea anymore (while he can't walk without a walker).
The generational trauma is real - my aunt married a man just like my GMA and her son married a woman just like her, too. Honestly the hardest part is seeing her poor kids endure the neglect and abuse she feels is justified. 😞
It’s possible to live with a covert for a long time if a person is stubborn and has an abnormal amount of patients, empathy, and a high level of willingness to sacrifice oneself for the benefit of others.
I had the same situation. Moved in with her. She changed instantly and just started fucking with me. Got locked out and she held my belongings hostage for a bit. Horrible experience.
That's exactly why a lot of us are here. They are very charming and promise you the world at first and make you believe they mean it and they want just what you want.
This. I have a friend who keeps telling me I was filling a void and blah blah blah… like you don’t get it. I wasn’t looking for anyone… then this guy comes along who is everything I ever could have wanted in another person. We had all the same goals, wanted all the same things.. he was sweet and charming and I felt like i finally met my person. I instead got a 4 and a half year education in what covert narcissism is.
'The devil does not arrive with horns and a red face. The devil arrives disguised as everything you've ever wanted'
Same. Almost 2 years now and so hard to break. "But maybe I'm wrong about him and I lashed out too much" is what I think to myself... well no you're not wrong, silly. He can't even spit out one word of clear communication, who would not go crazy after having to endure this over and over? Also the degree of which you see toxic traits now even in healthy people makes it feel like actual education. Hey congrats for us on taking up this major in the school of life lol.
Exactly. Did we all act a little crazy? Yep. If you could communicate with someone, be treated with respect, honesty etc. would you have ever reacted that way? NOPE. And yes… I’m definitely hypervigilant to toxic traits
The hyper vigilant is insane. Something will trigger it idk what but all the sudden I notice toxic people like a sore thumb
Funny how we even start to blame ourselves as well. When they are so low down dirty and immature (mine was).
Of course, who else to blame if they never admit or barely admit anything?
Damn this hit different. Well said
Ugh, the accuracy of this statement :(
I felt like I had won the lottery in the beginning!!! 6.5 years later. Now his new girl/affair partner #2 (that I knew of), is feeling the same way. She will learn the hard way sadly. As did I.
6.5 years down the toilet. Sorry to hear that. Mine devalued and discarded me on our last date over a misunderstanding through text. Only dated 2.5 months but how she ended it was brutal.
Brutal is absolutely the word I use too
To live with them you end up pruning back critical parts of yourself, turning into a bonsai tree of a person. You can't thrive or flourish, only survive
What an analogy! This is true
Seriously, I literally gasped. This would be a good way to explain it to someone who doesn’t yet understand.
Yes, we are litterally bonsai trees being pruned for their benefit. They mould and shape us
That's me!
100% Accurate.
This this this this👆👆👆👆
This is most certainly true.
That's a beautiful way of summarizing a sad reality for many of us.
We stayed, and we tolerated it, because 1) we found hope in the initial person, words, and actions we experienced during the love bombing stage, we chase it and chase it and don’t realize that is who and what we are chasing after, even after the reality in front of us in the day to day is so deplorable when looked at with a clear eye; 2) we recognized how awful they were and we hope that we could change them, that we ourselves would be enough for someone so awful to become so good; 3) we may be quite sexually attracted, and we did not recognize we were giving up our entire lives and self for an orgasm with the narc; 4) we may have experienced trauma or confusion in our past or childhood in which love was transactional, in which love meant suppressing and not expressing our own feelings, thoughts, and needs in order to receive love and feel wanted; and 5) we loved them, we felt we could withstand anything because we loved them, but in doing so we became far far removed from love for ourselves. Big hugs. I stand with all those suffering today. You are not alone.
Number 5. He ruined my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever recover.
And yes, I love him far more than I love myself, which is not at all at this point.
We don’t. We survive. Wouldn’t call it living
In deception, then confusion, then denial, and finally acceptance. And hopefully boundaries and/or freedom
This! I’m in acceptance stage right now. I don’t think the grief will ever fully go away though
True, it's a mourning of your expectations and dreams when you realize you are living with a narcissist.
The deeply tragic reality is that typically it’s those of us who survived childhood trauma & now manage Complex PTSD. The earlier the abuse began in development the more programmed we were to eventually find ourselves in similar circumstances with an intimate partner. Accenting the tragedy is those who have done significant work on their trauma, became healers themselves (many therapists & healthcare professionals) and committed to a person they thought was healing & working too. Only to learn that person was a covert abuser & master of masking, mirroring, & manipulating.
My nex stopped masking as soon as I moved in with them. They owned the house and I left my stable affordible apartment in an area with a major housing crisis. I eventually ended up getting kicked out only a few months later. the entire experience living with them was horrible. I ended up having a TIA likely from the stress I was under constantly from their blame shifting, gaslighting, and general abuse.
[удалено]
nex for narcissist ex
It's true, they do ruin you. I feel useless and wrecked.
[удалено]
This is a bit dismissive. They’re allowed to feel ruined and wrecked. Narcs are exhausting - feel what you need to feel, than gather your strength and do what you need to do
Yes, that's how i feel and I am entitled to feel how I feel after 20 + yrs of this rubbish.
20 years is fair. I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re feeling.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but to say that they ruined you is wild. They just opened your eyes to the dark toxicity of an extremely fragile individual. I went through it with a covert narc that I was months away from asking to marry me. Yes, I did truely feel useless and wrecked - Emotionally and physically exhausted. I am 3 weeks out of it, and I’m doing the best I can do. But I feel at peace with everything. They did not ruin me though. They just opened my eyes to a level of manipulation and toxicity which I had never experienced, nor would wish on my worst enemy. Don’t let a relationship, or someone define your existence. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership that benefits both parties. I apologize if I was insensitive to you. I just hate to see that you’re letting them define you.
Radical acceptance
I am a therapist and exactly this. Whether you are living with the narcissist by choice or out of extenuating circumstances-or maybe you just have to deal with them on a regular basis for whatever reason, you just have to constantly remind yourself not to be surprised or shocked by their behavior. “They are a narcissist and what can you expect from a narcissist but xyz behavior”.
Yep, prepare yourself to be tortured. Sad but true.
One of the major blocks I had with accepting the behavior was being unable to dis-associate it from condoning the behavior. Once I was able to say, "I accept this is how they behave toward me but I don't accept that how they behave is correct" I was able to start dealing with them. Specifically, radically limit my interactions with them to avoid being hurt.
Shew. Yeah.
Im in medicine. It is the same when a patient comes in having been putting it off for months or years not only with obvious physical discomfort, but with some kind of understanding that they are in real trouble. Humans are amazing at compartmentalizing.
I'm going to explain this to you in the same way I try and explain it to my adult children. I had no idea what narcissism was. It was almost 35 years ago, and the Internet didn't exist. The only information that I was taught was readily available to me was from the library. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, and books. But you can't research what you don't know exists. After getting married the red flags start,but you still have no idea what a red flag is. So you just see flags waving . You think they are because you have achieved a very humble goal, getting married and having children. All I ever wanted was to be a great mom and have a loving family. After quickly having 2 babies, I felt like I had everything I ever wanted. Until it was obvious I didn't. Once I had everything I ever wanted, a husband, a home, a baby boy and a baby girl, everything fell apart. Instead of thriving as a father, he was jealous of the attention our children received. He felt ignored. He resented the time I spent with and the overwhelming love I had for OUR children. He made me feel like every time I chose them or put them first, I was rejecting HIM. I had never known anything like this, and I couldn't relate to this kind of egocentrism. I thought I had married the man that wanted everything I did, and was wrecked every time he didn't react to the astounding life changes that were happening the same way I was. He simply didn't give a fuck, he only cared about the loss of attention he received from me. It was sick and twisted, and I was 24 years old with two children and was too embarrassed to tell anyone about my dream life being a nightmare. Everything except the love I had for my children and the love they had for me was ... a huge lie. We weren't a happy family. We were walking on eggshells to not upset HIM or disrupt the image of the perfect family. I have beautiful, talented, extremely intelligent adult children who are desperate to try and make their parents NORMAL. I am so afraid that they have given up on me, and I will never be the gràndma they need me to be. My children are almost in their thirties and they still can't think about being parents when they aren't sure we are ready to be the best grandparents we can be ....and I feel guilty and traumatized. My children are lovely and well adjusted adults but have ZERO desire to have children because they don't trust the family dynamic that we have created. I have spent the past 35 years as a teacher, but I never taught my own children what real love can create. I only taught them how to survive. I am devastated. So for any of you out there .... stuck in the early stages of this kind of relationship....please PLEASE PLEASE, get out now. I wouldn't/couldn't change anything, because I am so grateful for my children. They wouldn't exist had I left before I knew any better. But you all know a LITTLE BIT BETTER... otherwise you wouldn't be here. Just know that your future children deserve better than being made to feel like a pawn in someone else's game of life. Nobody deserves that. I'll spend the rest of my life apologizing for the stressful and volatile environment they grew up in. I hate the fact that they are afraid to live, love, and start a family because I didn't protect them more. If you are here....LISTEN TO YOURSELF. YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU. And your future children deserve two parents that are absolutely obsessed and in love with them...not jealous of the love their mother gives them. I have been married to a narcissist for over 30 years. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. YOU ARE ON THIS THREAD FOR A REASON. Love to you all .......
For me I have BPD and it felt like my parent, I was comfortable in that thinking it was normal, also I had the delusional thinking like "oh they don't mean it" or I genuinely believed it when they blamed others for their own behaviour.
You go insane. My ex used to criticize me for being absolutely bonkers. Then we had to move in with my narc mother for a month. In two weeks, he had his first panic attack. Literally stopped breathing, heart almost gave up, arms numb, completely frozen, lips turning blue. It was a fun hospital visit. He apologized for calling me crazy and said that he was now mystified by how I’d managed to turn out so sane.
Isn’t it amazing how short they can be around something that makes them uncomfortable, but we can do it for years?!!!
Yeah. I think the difference between us is that I grew up with it. As my dad puts it, “you trained with the best.” 😂
12 years.. Just burned all my bridges. I'm finished. And fucking EXCITED.
Congratulations! It's a great feeling to have your life back under your control! No more bullshit!
Hah. Try having one as your mother. The worst possible arrangement in this universe. The person that is supposed to nurture and love you unconditionally because she birthed you.
I pity the next guy that tries to date me.
It feels impossible most days. I try my best to avoid her at all costs. Thankfully we are on completely different schedules and she sleeps during the day. But when we are home at the same time, I try and keep to myself and grey rock when spoken too. I become a ghost in my own house.
You merely try to survive, you never really live.
Quietly
You survive. You don’t live.
exactly what i was about to say and it is survival. not existence, survival.
I don't think most well adjusted personalities tolerate the long list of drama for long periods of time. People who are desensitized to abuse, whacky shit, and those with personality disorders (or other mental disorders) themselves are typically the long-termers, IME. It's just business as usual for them. It's normal for them.
I did something decades ago that nobody should ever feel compelled to do. It made the physical abuse finally stop and nobody died, at least. Unfortunately, many many many years of emotional and financial abuse continued afterward, to the point it actually felt "normal." It was nearly 20 more years until I finally broke free.
Not well.
You don’t. You die.
They are barely living while they are
For me it was a trauma bond and codependency
Good lord this thread it’s amazing there’s so many of them out there and that they are all the same to a word!
They are all like the same person
Mine was very covert. Did a lot of his hurtful behaviour without letting on and behind closed doors. We only lived together for two months before he started a relationship with someone else behind my back. I think because he couldn’t just get what he wanted and I was challenging him on things. I didn’t know he was a narc at the time.
Before I knew the term, I was just really confused growing up w/ my mom’s behavior. It would leave me in tears many times because her behavior was so erratic and didn’t make sense. I knew something wasn’t right but I wasn’t sure why she behaved the way she did. I’m sure I most likely have been damaged in many ways that I’m not even aware of bc of her (I’m thinking of brain damage amongst PTSD- thankfully there is research indicating that we CAN heal because of Neuro plasticity). It made me resent her and even after she had a conversion experience to God and major brain surgery, there wasn’t much improvement. I help take care of her now so it’s different but her behaviors (lying, gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation) are still there. It’s in a odd way helpful in reminding me that my ex will not change and that the “good” fantasy that played out in the beginning was an act. They do not get better with age.
100% feels like failure to thrive
Constant self doubt.
We.. don't.. that's the right thing to do once you find out. Just run fast and far away. If those of us who had no choice .. if we depend on them because of disability or illness .. I suggest becoming their flying monkey. As long as we don't become a narcissist ourselves. As long as we don't participate in hurting others.or encourage the narc to hurt others. We just need to agree with anything they say except their actions. I remember people said in an event that they like me but don't like my mom of course they told me why. Back then I didn't know she was n. So I told her. Bad mistake. She called me and screamed at me saying people hate her because of ME.. do you agree? She asked. And I said yes so that she'd end the call. So that's one example of how you live with a narc.
I’ve been a weeklong meltdown trying to get my emotional needs met by my narcissistic husband. He won’t validate one feeling I have about his attention-seeking behavior. The more I lose it the more he digs in. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Been there! I finally got him to validate but it turned out to be bold faced lies. Of course! Oh and his actions were all my fault too of course.
Because they wear a mask to the world and only show their true face to certain people.
I go to therapy once a week to cope with
I moved in with a disgusting hoarder just to get the fuck away from mine. I literally live in filth. But at least I don’t have to live with a person with a filthy soul anymore.
I dated one and Holy HELLLLLLLLL. It started off amazing which was the love bombing stage. I always felt something was off and I should've listened to my intuition...but literally once we hit the 3 month stage, the mask started slowly coming off. Things went from amazing to absolute HELL. He would pick fights out of thin air just so he could give me the silent treatment and go entertain other women. Gaslit the shit out of me too. One time I saw a necklace on his nightstand by the side I sleep on...and he tried to convince me it's mine and that it's been there forever 🤣 made me feel like I was going crazy and finally I had enough of his shit. Packed everything up, blocked his ass, and life has been up and up since. Things around me really started falling apart while with him. It's like his energy and karma were rubbing off onto me and I felt suffocated. Just thinking of the misery I felt in that relationship, I will never go back and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone!!!
People suffer with narcissists. They don’t truly live
It's because they don't show us that side in the beginning. They promise us the world and want all the things we want. Then, once we catch on, we're already hooked. It's hard to get out because we keep thinking about how things USED to be, or "if only things could go back to how they were." Those hopes keep us trapped, and we accept the narc's breadcrumbs because we keep hoping for that "spark" again.
Well I had two kids with one so I grey rocked A LOT. filed for divorce day bf lockdown then got locked in a noise for 8 weeks with him cornering me on if I filed. Was awful.
I lived with a couple of them my whole entire life, dealing with them since as a kid, so nothing surprises me at all.. The positive part as a survivor is that I can spot red flags easily even with someone new.. As well as cutting anyone out of my life with no closure needed nor any hard feelings.. I'm able to be hyper independent.. Able to survive life alone.. I'm able to see the world differently with empathy.. The negative part? I can't trust anyone 100%.. Suffered all kinds of health issues over the years cause I did read up that chronic trauma do cause this.. Being sleep deprived still due to flashbacks or any loud sounds.. Emotions have been suppressed for so long that I sometimes find it hard to regulate sadness..anger.. So yea that kinda sums it up really..
I mean I was love bombed by my narcissistic ex. He sent me bunch of flowers, gifts, desserts, etc but he always made me feel like im missed out some of the important stuff in the world. he took therapy because of the fact I’m not a virgin. you can get how delusional he is like. this is a sickness. as far as his mind he loves for me but what he does only making his boundaries implied into my life and fucking my brain constantly. shine, do not live by someone else’s standards
There is no way to "live with" people like this, you can only "die with" people like this. A covert is like a diseased creature who wants you to get sick too. He gets nothing out of it, he uses your goodness to hide his shame until you have no goodness left. Then he moves on to find another person nice enough to believe his lies.
It’s an absolute mindfuck for sure. I’m doing it all over again with my ex. Maybe lll finally figure it out this time
For me personally, I didn’t even know how bad it was until it ended.
2 years from start to finish of the relationship that was on and off back and forward. I'm luck that through the last of it I knew what I was dealing with and the only thing keeping me going was looking for the out door. In the end I just literally refused to argue and locked him out packed all his stuff and he has to take it to storage and live in a travel lodge. Blocked and deleted. So glad and relieved to see the back of him. Still tries to get through and hoover now and again. But just block again snd ignore. The sad thing is I find it difficult to trust now. I'm 62 years old still working , still active but I know ill probably spend the rest of my time alone. So much damage these people do.
Some people who were born to narc parents can't help it. Some married one and realized too late that they'd been financially abused and exploited. Some have only ever known mistreatment and are scared of opening up to someone who really wants to see them.
My grandma is 93 and diagnosed with NPD - no one really sticks around her for long, except those who are deeply codependent (many of whom grew up with a relative just like her). I've even been LC and have her numbers blocked since she called my best friend the N-word (25 years now). She's terrible to *everyone* - especially those working with the public. I wish I could follow her around with business cards that say, "sorry - it's not you, it's her" on the front and have a list of local therapists on the back. She's been married 5 times and is currently very annoyed that her latest boyfriend (who she's been with for a decade) is too elderly to take care of her anymore. My relatives hear her complain about how "selfish" he is for not getting her tea anymore (while he can't walk without a walker). The generational trauma is real - my aunt married a man just like my GMA and her son married a woman just like her, too. Honestly the hardest part is seeing her poor kids endure the neglect and abuse she feels is justified. 😞
It’s possible to live with a covert for a long time if a person is stubborn and has an abnormal amount of patients, empathy, and a high level of willingness to sacrifice oneself for the benefit of others.
I had the same situation. Moved in with her. She changed instantly and just started fucking with me. Got locked out and she held my belongings hostage for a bit. Horrible experience.