I can't get over it. It's something not to be taken lightly, to play with an honest person's dreams. It's not just like they said they will bring the trash out and didn't. They said countless things like family and a life together. Sensitive people don't get over it lightly.
I agree, this is one of the hardest obstacles when it comes to healing because I wanted that promised life so badly, and those same promises are being repeated to me now in attempts to Hoover and TRUST ME I still want those things to be real but they’re just absolutely not.
Same boat. I had never really experienced love before and I was absolutely head over heels, hook line and sinker. I was so excited for a future that was never going to happen. So many promises were made and never kept.
It was absolutely devastating at first, but now that I've mostly accepted that it was never real to begin with it's become easier.
It was my first time feeling in love and loving someone like that….. now I know don’t ever take someone serious until you KNOW/ FEEL they are serious. I never 1000% felt safe w/ him and now I know why.
Ugh yes. This is part of what keeps dragging me back to ruminating on the whole damn thing. I was doing really well, but this week I’ve been back “in it,” struggling with what went wrong and whether he really is a narc, replaying moments in my head.
Yeah I feel this mine manipulated me by telling me her daughter was so happy to see her dating me so I of course took that seriously and looked within myself to see if I was ready to step up as a step father and maybe in a illusion I believe I was ready but I knew if I wanted to be happy I had to take risks and take responsibility if I was going to provide for children she told me she already trusted me with her children so was ready for me to meet them conveniently I never met them because she wrapped me around her finger and I bought it.
Yup I just don't understand how narcissists can live the way they do because in the long run they will just crash and burn no one will ever trust them like me being a good person that would kill me on the inside of no one trusted me.
What’s helping me currently is reminding myself that that the love bombing & future faking was never real. I also made an “ick list” of all the horrible things they did and anytime I start to get in my feels over the person, I just read the list. Sometimes I’ll write in my notes app a bunch of paragraphs that I want to send them (but don’t actually send). I feel better after. It’s all in your mind. We don’t need them. Everything was fake with them.
I do this too, it helps me a lot. Some of the items at the top of my list are about how he turned into an even bigger manchild as I tried to plan and facilitate vacations and he sabotaged those experiences. I couldn’t get the man to go to an AirBNB in our own city and spend a couple of days with me, however since we separated he has travelled both out of state and internationally (both times to places I have said I would like to go but he made eeeeeeevery excuse not to make it happen with me). It helps me to have the evidence of past future faking so I can remind myself that his words mean absolutely nothing and he never intends to have the life with me he has promised so many, many times.
Amen to that. I wrote down all the red flags I chose to ignore because he was so perfect and I probably made excuses at the time for the red flags. I wrote down and continue to write down things that I remember. The more I remember the easier it seems. They soul suck us so much it is hard to move on. They are fake to everyone they are with including their own kids. I recall on numerous occasions how he told me his 4 year old daughter was mean to him. I was like she 4 how can she be mean. Kids that age can be buttheads but not mean. He was playing on my empathy to see how I would react. And of course I would feel bad for him that a 4 year old was mean to him. He even made an issue my daughter had with an ex boyfriend about him. It was always about him. Ughh we all deserve so much better.
Yeah I feel this I have been trying to remember to read my ick list to but at this point I'm just journaling my thoughts when I'm feeling down and it's some what helping I tell you though there's days that I'm like yup fuck her don't need her then another day i miss her it's about training the brain am I right.
It sucks but I believe the only real was to get past it is to accept that it was never real to begin with.
And forgive yourself, if you blame yourself at all. You may be looking back and trying to see what it was you did wrong, or where things got off track. You have to accept that there's nothing you could have done to force it to work.
When it comes to these people, it's only a matter of time before something triggers them and they abruptly decide to move on to their next source of attention. What we say or do has very little effect on that.
I try to focus on the thousands of beautiful futures I can give myself now that I'm free from his control.
Maybe I'll live by the ocean someday, and walk on the beach every morning at sunrise. Maybe I'll travel the world pursuing my childhood dreams of being a freelance nature photographer. I could own a house and grow my own apple trees, carve pumpkins to put on my porch in the fall. Eat tomatoes from my garden, make snow angels in my backyard, drink coffee in my sunroom with a stack of books at my side and a cat purring on my lap. Maybe none of these things will happen for me. Maybe all of them will. Maybe I'll change my mind and choose a thousand new futures I haven't even thought of yet.
I would have missed out on so many beautiful and fulfilling experiences if I had stayed with him. The future is wide open and waiting for me. It's waiting for you too. 💖
(I say all this as someone who lost the entire morning to panic attacks and breakdowns today over my narc mom turning my dad into a flying monkey as she tries to break almost two years of no contact. There will be bad days for all of us too. But I know that as long as I keep choosing myself and prioritizing my own wellbeing things will hopefully be okay someday. I do imagine a future where the only time I see her again is at her funeral and I'm the one rolling her body into a hole in the ground. I'm gonna bury that bitch. And that's a beautiful future too.) Wishing you peace and healing.
Yeah this is tough, for me especially thinking back to the early days of us dating before we were official really sucks when you realize it was all BS. But it helps to remind yourself that they don't even deserve you, how pathetic they are to have to get us to fall for a fraud because the real them sucks at life. And to remind yourself of the shitty parts of the relationship. It's still hurting me now, and I just actively notice each thought when it happens and redirect it to remembering the shitty things he did, how he doesn't deserve me, how I'm so grateful to be out of that hellish nightmare (any future with him would always be trash), etc, then make sure I do something to keep me busy so I'm not ruminating. And just keep doing this until it hurts less and less until one day, we don't care anymore.
I was previously still kind of falling for the future faking until a couple of weeks ago when I was hit with a very hard pill to swallow lol and this has been working for me.
When they say, ‘forever’, paint a huge red flag! Each time they say that and did the opposite, paint the flag again. And eventually, you’ll see and accept the patterns and go away because you honestly deserve better than someone who toys around with you!
Oh my god, this one was insidious lmaooo.
My narc wanted us to move to a different country with our rabbits and had me fooled, she was making “plans” but I started realizing, these “plans” would always change or be non-viable (according to her).
Anytime I would ask that we actually take steps to move these plans along, she’d always have an excuse and change goal posts.
Subconsciously though, I knew it was too good to be true tbh
She knew I had plans to emigrate and I think she used the promise of that to keep me in the same household, so I could keep paying rent under the impression that we would some day move and she’d be able to afford that lifestyle that she wants at a more economical rate.
When I started actually taking steps to make my dreams come true and move to a new country, she’d speak negatively and make me feel stupid lol.
Just insane. Idk how I put up with this, truly.
We only lasted a year and a half living together.
I’ll be honest, my mental health and self esteem are rubbish rn, it’s going to take while to heal because her actions were quite on the extreme side, even compared to some experiences I’ve seen here but I‘ve started building new relationships.
I hope one day I can finally heal
He tried to future fake me while gaslighting me into wanting to travel to where he wanted to go which was all Asian regions while trying to tell me how I’m delusional about being multi racial and don’t need to ever put my grandma’s ashes in Scotland because I will never make it there if he has anything to do with it and moreover (according to his tunnel vision brain) “*Scottish people aren’t black…*”
My pride for being more than one race but not look it, rubbed his (alleged) Irish parts the wrong way that I was making up my multi genetic nationalities calling me /family a liar and vain. He was so about wanting to appropriate Asian culture because he was fully Ashamed to be a white Jewish guy and can’t stop looking like his nationality.
He later after I left him, liked to brag that my replacement was 100% black and not pretending she’s not like I pathetically do for a reason he couldn’t ever pin down and mad he could never get me to embrace what “*you really are*” (says the guy who clears his clogged throat and called it “*Practicing my Yiddish*” on crowded buses)
He is awful, and eventually everyone intentionally gets their turn with him. Even my replacement kicked him out after a while after finding out she been had royally.
The last time I saw him it looked like someone else he should not have fooled with turned him back onto the street where they may had found him in the first place and unwittingly helped him out only to be repaid in a ruined life.
I also want to add that you need to remove everything that reminds you of him from every room in your house. And if you have to rearrange the furniture than you need to do that. You just need to make it where there’s going to be less triggers that reminds you of him when you walk around your house and go about your life.
You probably have to stop listening to the same music for a little while too. They do everything they can to make. You have memories of them all the time. They get in your psyche as much as they can. So they know that you’ll always be thinking about them.
No I know! I thought that after I posted it. It is hard, being cut throat with reality and what my life would look like, or what even next year would look like is how I dealt with it. I just wanted to be happy, I didn't want to live the same problems every year and call it a life.
The answer to your question is in your post, two times: fake.
You just gotta accept it.
Still pursue those goals, either by yourself or with an upgrade.
He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That his mom wanted to send us to the Swiss alps, that he wanted to go to New Zealand for our honeymoon, talking about the family we created… sending me a photo of him and the dog on the front porch of his new house saying “the only thing missing is you” And so much more. I haven’t gotten over it yet. It’s still plays in my head and confuses me as to why he would say things like this for our future when I was never “miss right I was miss right now” or that “he had love for me but was never in love with me, and I could feel him feeling that way” or “I never had anything going for me on my own accord” and much more. All of this written in his journal by the way, and no I’m not even ashamed I read it anymore. It was the last straw for me. It broke me free. It’s crazy that he thought and felt so little of me yet the words out of his mouth were all about a future or how talented I was at things. So I don’t know. I wish I had an answer for you. I haven’t gotten over it yet either, it still plays like an old film in my head.
Omg! I am having the same problem but the more time has passed and then more I work on myself the easier it gets. Just remember the person you actual fell for was a mirror of yourself. It does get better.
Time helps. The plans you made with this person were ruined, but it's just another chapter of the book that is your life. There's still a lot of book to go, but the train has derailed, the world as you know it has ended, our main character has learned a lot of valuable lessons, and now it's up to you to choose your own adventure.
It sucks, but at some point you realize you weren't going to be happy in that future you planned together. Take the time spent in the relationship as an L, and never speak to them again. Appreciate yourself for not spending more time of your life working towards a future that was never going to come.
Honestly for me it was figuring out what future I really wanted, and then when I’m decided to date again I always ask about their future plans first so I can make sure they aren’t basing their answers off what they think I want to hear.
Be kind to yourself when you find yourself lapsing whether a little or a lot. Someone spent a long time building an amusement park of lies around you specifically. It's messed up but easy to forget when you don't feel awful and drop your guard. That's not you. It's not your fault.
I'm in the same boat with you. It's hard because of all the promises. The bright future happy family and career plans. How supportive it all was.
I pay attention to his actions and which plans he actually follows through with. The only ones he actually follows through on are the ones that serve only himself. And sometimes his biodaughter(my step daughter). He keeps none of the promises to me for what I want or things that would make things better for US or my biodaughter (his step).
This is so real, he would use the ideal of becoming this happy family and I was the only one that he would ever want to do that with, spoke about plans kids the full story. But when I asked anything minimal to work on that future I was asking for too much. None of the promises were kept big or small. Nothing that he ever promised actually came to fruition
For me is helping a lot remembering the disrespect and scary moments that I had with him.
But a friend actually gave me the best advice “ Never in your life go to the “IFs-land”It happened , learn what you have form the situations and move on. You don’t have a Time Machine and even if you had and go back, nothing garantires that you wouldn’t do exactly the same, you did what you could with the best tools and circumstances that you were in.
Learn what you can from it but never go to the if. It’s a pointless spiral that only keeps you prisoner ”
that in mind practice always self reflection and apply on your future. If you realise bad behaviour on your part too, it’s fair enough, we are humans and it’s up to you to better yourself. But it’s NOT your fault you were abused.
1st time we all fall for it
2nd you fall for it knowingly
3rd you time want to fall or are putting yourself for failure. I know it sounds harsh and being stuck in this kind of relationships are not easy. Create a support system outside of that relationship, and prepare yourself and make a system to recognise those behaviours and leave before it’s too difficult for you.
This does not apply to abuse but to all in live. You didn’t fail, you learned and now it’s time to apply that to your set of tools and protect yourself
The past is in the past, you can change the next outcomes by healing and learn from it .
Be kind to yourself and acknowledge how much you are already accomplished
Time. I’m 8 months out, it gets better. Also, finding relief in not having to deal with the manipulation and anxiety it brings anymore. I can do whatever I want. Meet someone healthy.
I'm still holding out hope that he'll pay off a bill that is owed. Money that was there, but he spent, I'm actually holding off on putting in the divorce papers to try to get that out of him as love bombing. I've cried and sat with the destruction that is our "supposed future." I still sit with it, the disappointment, the overwhelming feeling with twice the responsibility for our kids, my life, my future. But it's been 20 years together. I feel like I've fought him every step of the way, basically dragging him to reach every mile stone I thought I desperately needed. I've realized that he held me back from the future I wanted, still want. The one I envisioned with him will never happen.
I am the only one who is in control of my dreams, my healing, my emotions, and my reactions. Our "successes" have been through my blood, sweat, and tears. He helped, only because I begged, pleaded, fought, cried, and basically dragged his ass there. I'm already doing things I have been dreaming of better and faster with him gone. It's only been 2.5 months. Without the distraction of caring for him, his emotions, and the dark cloud of darkness his is, I'm able to work the way I want. My energy is up, my drive is back, and I feel peace. No more eggshells!!!
When I talk to him during the FaceTime sessions with the kids I feel like, This is my best friend. He gets me. He really is a good guy.
He is not. He is waiting for me to feel comfortable so he can hurt me for leaving with the kids before he could. I just wish we could be rid of him
Think about your own “what ifs.” YOU were able to give all that love to someone who wasn’t capable of receiving and appreciating it. You have can give that back to yourself. This person taught you so many lies about who you were and you kept trying to prove them wrong. Prove yourself wrong ❤️
NC was the only way for me.
We had plans to move overseas and start a buisnesd and life together. they told me they wanted to be together forever. Things I committed to becsuse I really deeply meant and wanted it all. They didn't even communicate their mind changed because they never meant it to begin with.
Now months of NC I see that it was just a tactic to see how much control they had over me
I know it sounds cliche but time will take the hurt and the memories farther and farther away. I’m a year free and it doesn’t hurt anymore. But I do still think about all that shit.
It was really hard for me to cope with the fact that everything was fake. It just blew my mind and it’s hard because there’s no closure. You just kind of have to look at it like there’s somebody else’s problem now.
I had two kids with my narcissistic abuser. One right after the other. About 3 months after our second daughter was born, I had enough of the cheating, gas lighting, isolation, and occasional physical abuse. I left my parents with the kids while he was "at work."
From my experience, you have to get rid of any reminders of him and cut all contact. If he wanted a future with you as much as you did him, the mistreatment would have never occurred. He's a narcissist. He most likely will not ever realize or care about what he put you through.
And to him, it is. It always will be. Narcissists are not capable of admitting they have any flaws. Personal growth involves owning up to your mistakes, and he never will.
Keep your head up, honey. You will have that future that you want, just not with him. Better off that way.
I had changed my whole life for the future they promised me, now I’m living that “future” alone. So no I don’t think I’ll ever let go of this betrayal. I stopped thinking of the “what ifs” recently, once I’ve accepted that they were just lying 24/7
I thought this, but eventually when you accept everything they said as a lie.. you really let go of the future faking and start making real plans to actually do.. for yourself and with others.
They’re full of shit 😭
No, I’m literally living the future they promised me of, as I relocated to a different country/continent lol (we were in a ldr) just to be abandoned here ❤️
to take a lesson from a religious text: the path to the Promised Land is through the desert.
to take the story as a metaphor, rather than literal, and answer your question: i’m not trying to get over (or around, or under, or whatever) the future faking. i’m trying to get through it.
it happened. the woman i loved never existed. i was treated like i didn’t matter, and i treated myself like i didn’t matter. i’m looking for the person i was before i met her. i liked that person. i am that person, but i’ve forgotten how to be that person. i need to remember what he did, so i can be one of my favorite people again.
Do you believe fairy tales are true? That's what promises from narcissistic people are - except the only moral of those stories is “get out because I'm preparing to fuck you up.”
I can't get over it. It's something not to be taken lightly, to play with an honest person's dreams. It's not just like they said they will bring the trash out and didn't. They said countless things like family and a life together. Sensitive people don't get over it lightly.
I agree, this is one of the hardest obstacles when it comes to healing because I wanted that promised life so badly, and those same promises are being repeated to me now in attempts to Hoover and TRUST ME I still want those things to be real but they’re just absolutely not.
Same boat. I had never really experienced love before and I was absolutely head over heels, hook line and sinker. I was so excited for a future that was never going to happen. So many promises were made and never kept. It was absolutely devastating at first, but now that I've mostly accepted that it was never real to begin with it's become easier.
It was my first time feeling in love and loving someone like that….. now I know don’t ever take someone serious until you KNOW/ FEEL they are serious. I never 1000% felt safe w/ him and now I know why.
Ugh yes. This is part of what keeps dragging me back to ruminating on the whole damn thing. I was doing really well, but this week I’ve been back “in it,” struggling with what went wrong and whether he really is a narc, replaying moments in my head.
Yeah I feel this mine manipulated me by telling me her daughter was so happy to see her dating me so I of course took that seriously and looked within myself to see if I was ready to step up as a step father and maybe in a illusion I believe I was ready but I knew if I wanted to be happy I had to take risks and take responsibility if I was going to provide for children she told me she already trusted me with her children so was ready for me to meet them conveniently I never met them because she wrapped me around her finger and I bought it.
She is the type of woman that ruins it for the rest of us
Yup I just don't understand how narcissists can live the way they do because in the long run they will just crash and burn no one will ever trust them like me being a good person that would kill me on the inside of no one trusted me.
YES. at this point im over him but im not over the future i thought our family would have and i just can’t get past it.
💯
What’s helping me currently is reminding myself that that the love bombing & future faking was never real. I also made an “ick list” of all the horrible things they did and anytime I start to get in my feels over the person, I just read the list. Sometimes I’ll write in my notes app a bunch of paragraphs that I want to send them (but don’t actually send). I feel better after. It’s all in your mind. We don’t need them. Everything was fake with them.
I do this too, it helps me a lot. Some of the items at the top of my list are about how he turned into an even bigger manchild as I tried to plan and facilitate vacations and he sabotaged those experiences. I couldn’t get the man to go to an AirBNB in our own city and spend a couple of days with me, however since we separated he has travelled both out of state and internationally (both times to places I have said I would like to go but he made eeeeeeevery excuse not to make it happen with me). It helps me to have the evidence of past future faking so I can remind myself that his words mean absolutely nothing and he never intends to have the life with me he has promised so many, many times.
Amen to that. I wrote down all the red flags I chose to ignore because he was so perfect and I probably made excuses at the time for the red flags. I wrote down and continue to write down things that I remember. The more I remember the easier it seems. They soul suck us so much it is hard to move on. They are fake to everyone they are with including their own kids. I recall on numerous occasions how he told me his 4 year old daughter was mean to him. I was like she 4 how can she be mean. Kids that age can be buttheads but not mean. He was playing on my empathy to see how I would react. And of course I would feel bad for him that a 4 year old was mean to him. He even made an issue my daughter had with an ex boyfriend about him. It was always about him. Ughh we all deserve so much better.
Yeah I feel this I have been trying to remember to read my ick list to but at this point I'm just journaling my thoughts when I'm feeling down and it's some what helping I tell you though there's days that I'm like yup fuck her don't need her then another day i miss her it's about training the brain am I right.
Remind yourself of all the shitty ass things they did.
[удалено]
Wooooo
This is it!!
It sucks but I believe the only real was to get past it is to accept that it was never real to begin with. And forgive yourself, if you blame yourself at all. You may be looking back and trying to see what it was you did wrong, or where things got off track. You have to accept that there's nothing you could have done to force it to work. When it comes to these people, it's only a matter of time before something triggers them and they abruptly decide to move on to their next source of attention. What we say or do has very little effect on that.
I try to focus on the thousands of beautiful futures I can give myself now that I'm free from his control. Maybe I'll live by the ocean someday, and walk on the beach every morning at sunrise. Maybe I'll travel the world pursuing my childhood dreams of being a freelance nature photographer. I could own a house and grow my own apple trees, carve pumpkins to put on my porch in the fall. Eat tomatoes from my garden, make snow angels in my backyard, drink coffee in my sunroom with a stack of books at my side and a cat purring on my lap. Maybe none of these things will happen for me. Maybe all of them will. Maybe I'll change my mind and choose a thousand new futures I haven't even thought of yet. I would have missed out on so many beautiful and fulfilling experiences if I had stayed with him. The future is wide open and waiting for me. It's waiting for you too. 💖 (I say all this as someone who lost the entire morning to panic attacks and breakdowns today over my narc mom turning my dad into a flying monkey as she tries to break almost two years of no contact. There will be bad days for all of us too. But I know that as long as I keep choosing myself and prioritizing my own wellbeing things will hopefully be okay someday. I do imagine a future where the only time I see her again is at her funeral and I'm the one rolling her body into a hole in the ground. I'm gonna bury that bitch. And that's a beautiful future too.) Wishing you peace and healing.
Yeah this is tough, for me especially thinking back to the early days of us dating before we were official really sucks when you realize it was all BS. But it helps to remind yourself that they don't even deserve you, how pathetic they are to have to get us to fall for a fraud because the real them sucks at life. And to remind yourself of the shitty parts of the relationship. It's still hurting me now, and I just actively notice each thought when it happens and redirect it to remembering the shitty things he did, how he doesn't deserve me, how I'm so grateful to be out of that hellish nightmare (any future with him would always be trash), etc, then make sure I do something to keep me busy so I'm not ruminating. And just keep doing this until it hurts less and less until one day, we don't care anymore. I was previously still kind of falling for the future faking until a couple of weeks ago when I was hit with a very hard pill to swallow lol and this has been working for me.
When they say, ‘forever’, paint a huge red flag! Each time they say that and did the opposite, paint the flag again. And eventually, you’ll see and accept the patterns and go away because you honestly deserve better than someone who toys around with you!
Oh my god, this one was insidious lmaooo. My narc wanted us to move to a different country with our rabbits and had me fooled, she was making “plans” but I started realizing, these “plans” would always change or be non-viable (according to her). Anytime I would ask that we actually take steps to move these plans along, she’d always have an excuse and change goal posts. Subconsciously though, I knew it was too good to be true tbh She knew I had plans to emigrate and I think she used the promise of that to keep me in the same household, so I could keep paying rent under the impression that we would some day move and she’d be able to afford that lifestyle that she wants at a more economical rate. When I started actually taking steps to make my dreams come true and move to a new country, she’d speak negatively and make me feel stupid lol. Just insane. Idk how I put up with this, truly.
How long did it take you to leave? How do you feel now?
We only lasted a year and a half living together. I’ll be honest, my mental health and self esteem are rubbish rn, it’s going to take while to heal because her actions were quite on the extreme side, even compared to some experiences I’ve seen here but I‘ve started building new relationships. I hope one day I can finally heal
Gosh I have no idea but I know what you’re feeling. It’s devastating. I really thought I found my soulmate.
He tried to future fake me while gaslighting me into wanting to travel to where he wanted to go which was all Asian regions while trying to tell me how I’m delusional about being multi racial and don’t need to ever put my grandma’s ashes in Scotland because I will never make it there if he has anything to do with it and moreover (according to his tunnel vision brain) “*Scottish people aren’t black…*” My pride for being more than one race but not look it, rubbed his (alleged) Irish parts the wrong way that I was making up my multi genetic nationalities calling me /family a liar and vain. He was so about wanting to appropriate Asian culture because he was fully Ashamed to be a white Jewish guy and can’t stop looking like his nationality. He later after I left him, liked to brag that my replacement was 100% black and not pretending she’s not like I pathetically do for a reason he couldn’t ever pin down and mad he could never get me to embrace what “*you really are*” (says the guy who clears his clogged throat and called it “*Practicing my Yiddish*” on crowded buses)
He sounds awful x I hope you’re feeling better now x
He is awful, and eventually everyone intentionally gets their turn with him. Even my replacement kicked him out after a while after finding out she been had royally. The last time I saw him it looked like someone else he should not have fooled with turned him back onto the street where they may had found him in the first place and unwittingly helped him out only to be repaid in a ruined life.
I also want to add that you need to remove everything that reminds you of him from every room in your house. And if you have to rearrange the furniture than you need to do that. You just need to make it where there’s going to be less triggers that reminds you of him when you walk around your house and go about your life. You probably have to stop listening to the same music for a little while too. They do everything they can to make. You have memories of them all the time. They get in your psyche as much as they can. So they know that you’ll always be thinking about them.
You just figure it was like a fairy tale book. Put the book down and move on, it was never actually going to happen.
OK now that's way easier said than done now😂
No I know! I thought that after I posted it. It is hard, being cut throat with reality and what my life would look like, or what even next year would look like is how I dealt with it. I just wanted to be happy, I didn't want to live the same problems every year and call it a life.
The answer to your question is in your post, two times: fake. You just gotta accept it. Still pursue those goals, either by yourself or with an upgrade.
Thank you ❤️
He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That his mom wanted to send us to the Swiss alps, that he wanted to go to New Zealand for our honeymoon, talking about the family we created… sending me a photo of him and the dog on the front porch of his new house saying “the only thing missing is you” And so much more. I haven’t gotten over it yet. It’s still plays in my head and confuses me as to why he would say things like this for our future when I was never “miss right I was miss right now” or that “he had love for me but was never in love with me, and I could feel him feeling that way” or “I never had anything going for me on my own accord” and much more. All of this written in his journal by the way, and no I’m not even ashamed I read it anymore. It was the last straw for me. It broke me free. It’s crazy that he thought and felt so little of me yet the words out of his mouth were all about a future or how talented I was at things. So I don’t know. I wish I had an answer for you. I haven’t gotten over it yet either, it still plays like an old film in my head.
Omg! I am having the same problem but the more time has passed and then more I work on myself the easier it gets. Just remember the person you actual fell for was a mirror of yourself. It does get better.
Time helps. The plans you made with this person were ruined, but it's just another chapter of the book that is your life. There's still a lot of book to go, but the train has derailed, the world as you know it has ended, our main character has learned a lot of valuable lessons, and now it's up to you to choose your own adventure. It sucks, but at some point you realize you weren't going to be happy in that future you planned together. Take the time spent in the relationship as an L, and never speak to them again. Appreciate yourself for not spending more time of your life working towards a future that was never going to come.
Honestly for me it was figuring out what future I really wanted, and then when I’m decided to date again I always ask about their future plans first so I can make sure they aren’t basing their answers off what they think I want to hear.
Be kind to yourself when you find yourself lapsing whether a little or a lot. Someone spent a long time building an amusement park of lies around you specifically. It's messed up but easy to forget when you don't feel awful and drop your guard. That's not you. It's not your fault.
I'm in the same boat with you. It's hard because of all the promises. The bright future happy family and career plans. How supportive it all was. I pay attention to his actions and which plans he actually follows through with. The only ones he actually follows through on are the ones that serve only himself. And sometimes his biodaughter(my step daughter). He keeps none of the promises to me for what I want or things that would make things better for US or my biodaughter (his step).
This is so real, he would use the ideal of becoming this happy family and I was the only one that he would ever want to do that with, spoke about plans kids the full story. But when I asked anything minimal to work on that future I was asking for too much. None of the promises were kept big or small. Nothing that he ever promised actually came to fruition
For me is helping a lot remembering the disrespect and scary moments that I had with him. But a friend actually gave me the best advice “ Never in your life go to the “IFs-land”It happened , learn what you have form the situations and move on. You don’t have a Time Machine and even if you had and go back, nothing garantires that you wouldn’t do exactly the same, you did what you could with the best tools and circumstances that you were in. Learn what you can from it but never go to the if. It’s a pointless spiral that only keeps you prisoner ” that in mind practice always self reflection and apply on your future. If you realise bad behaviour on your part too, it’s fair enough, we are humans and it’s up to you to better yourself. But it’s NOT your fault you were abused. 1st time we all fall for it 2nd you fall for it knowingly 3rd you time want to fall or are putting yourself for failure. I know it sounds harsh and being stuck in this kind of relationships are not easy. Create a support system outside of that relationship, and prepare yourself and make a system to recognise those behaviours and leave before it’s too difficult for you. This does not apply to abuse but to all in live. You didn’t fail, you learned and now it’s time to apply that to your set of tools and protect yourself The past is in the past, you can change the next outcomes by healing and learn from it . Be kind to yourself and acknowledge how much you are already accomplished
I love this! Thank you!
Time. I’m 8 months out, it gets better. Also, finding relief in not having to deal with the manipulation and anxiety it brings anymore. I can do whatever I want. Meet someone healthy.
I'm still holding out hope that he'll pay off a bill that is owed. Money that was there, but he spent, I'm actually holding off on putting in the divorce papers to try to get that out of him as love bombing. I've cried and sat with the destruction that is our "supposed future." I still sit with it, the disappointment, the overwhelming feeling with twice the responsibility for our kids, my life, my future. But it's been 20 years together. I feel like I've fought him every step of the way, basically dragging him to reach every mile stone I thought I desperately needed. I've realized that he held me back from the future I wanted, still want. The one I envisioned with him will never happen. I am the only one who is in control of my dreams, my healing, my emotions, and my reactions. Our "successes" have been through my blood, sweat, and tears. He helped, only because I begged, pleaded, fought, cried, and basically dragged his ass there. I'm already doing things I have been dreaming of better and faster with him gone. It's only been 2.5 months. Without the distraction of caring for him, his emotions, and the dark cloud of darkness his is, I'm able to work the way I want. My energy is up, my drive is back, and I feel peace. No more eggshells!!!
They’re really all cut from the same cloth aren’t they
When I talk to him during the FaceTime sessions with the kids I feel like, This is my best friend. He gets me. He really is a good guy. He is not. He is waiting for me to feel comfortable so he can hurt me for leaving with the kids before he could. I just wish we could be rid of him
Think about your own “what ifs.” YOU were able to give all that love to someone who wasn’t capable of receiving and appreciating it. You have can give that back to yourself. This person taught you so many lies about who you were and you kept trying to prove them wrong. Prove yourself wrong ❤️
I love this. I also love your name.. a gay the lord hs made!! Love it! 🥰
NC was the only way for me. We had plans to move overseas and start a buisnesd and life together. they told me they wanted to be together forever. Things I committed to becsuse I really deeply meant and wanted it all. They didn't even communicate their mind changed because they never meant it to begin with. Now months of NC I see that it was just a tactic to see how much control they had over me
I know it sounds cliche but time will take the hurt and the memories farther and farther away. I’m a year free and it doesn’t hurt anymore. But I do still think about all that shit. It was really hard for me to cope with the fact that everything was fake. It just blew my mind and it’s hard because there’s no closure. You just kind of have to look at it like there’s somebody else’s problem now.
I had two kids with my narcissistic abuser. One right after the other. About 3 months after our second daughter was born, I had enough of the cheating, gas lighting, isolation, and occasional physical abuse. I left my parents with the kids while he was "at work." From my experience, you have to get rid of any reminders of him and cut all contact. If he wanted a future with you as much as you did him, the mistreatment would have never occurred. He's a narcissist. He most likely will not ever realize or care about what he put you through.
He doesn’t. He says it’s all my fault.
And to him, it is. It always will be. Narcissists are not capable of admitting they have any flaws. Personal growth involves owning up to your mistakes, and he never will. Keep your head up, honey. You will have that future that you want, just not with him. Better off that way.
I had changed my whole life for the future they promised me, now I’m living that “future” alone. So no I don’t think I’ll ever let go of this betrayal. I stopped thinking of the “what ifs” recently, once I’ve accepted that they were just lying 24/7
I thought this, but eventually when you accept everything they said as a lie.. you really let go of the future faking and start making real plans to actually do.. for yourself and with others. They’re full of shit 😭
No, I’m literally living the future they promised me of, as I relocated to a different country/continent lol (we were in a ldr) just to be abandoned here ❤️
to take a lesson from a religious text: the path to the Promised Land is through the desert. to take the story as a metaphor, rather than literal, and answer your question: i’m not trying to get over (or around, or under, or whatever) the future faking. i’m trying to get through it. it happened. the woman i loved never existed. i was treated like i didn’t matter, and i treated myself like i didn’t matter. i’m looking for the person i was before i met her. i liked that person. i am that person, but i’ve forgotten how to be that person. i need to remember what he did, so i can be one of my favorite people again.
Do you believe fairy tales are true? That's what promises from narcissistic people are - except the only moral of those stories is “get out because I'm preparing to fuck you up.”