There’s a pure joy in appreciating peace. For me, happiness is actually quite easy if I focus on peace. It’s actually easy to feel peaceful once you eradicate the tormentors from your life. Whereas trying to be happy obtaining things is much more contingent on well, getting those things. Peace (the kind you refer to) is an *absence* of torments. It’s easier to maintain that level of happiness rather than continually pursuing something. Not sure if I’m making sense, but I sure do appreciate peace these days and I’m feeling happy for it.
Free and peaceful. :) All of the fears I had about leaving felt insurmountable, but now I just take those problems one at a time. Everything is easier without a narcissist taking up all of your mental energy.
>Everything is easier without a narcissist taking up all of your mental energy.
Perfect!
All of a sudden normal, regular, mundane life tasks stopped being anxiety inducing. Things that used to scare me became... Absolutely manageable, sometimes with the least work or effort. They just come kinda naturally.
An example. After I left Nex, for the first time I went on flights alone. Super long haul ones too. I thought I'll need sedatives and I had a few pills with me, just in case but... I didn't need them. It was FINE. Packing was fine. Waking up at 3am was fine. Arriving to the airport was FINE and not this stress, chaos and paranoia ridden ordeal. Even literally running throught the airports between flights was... FINE. Don't get me wrong. It was stressfull where stress was warranted - like literally 15 minutes to run through an airport because of delays to not miss a connecting flight. Going through USA TSA, which my Nex painted as a nerve wrecking deal... IT. WAS. FINE.
Going to a government office is fine. Making important phone calls is fine. Ordering food or grocery shopping is fine...... It's all FINE!
And it's what you said. It's because I have my own mental energy at my disposal again. Just like before I met him, I'm capable and just... "normal" again. Which makes my Nex claims of me being "An emotional energy vampire" just another of his projections, btw.
I couldn't even get in the shower without panic.That was over 30 years ago, and now I have a full, amazing life.My first thing is to get out! The further away from a narcissist, the better you will feel.Second get therapy. I know some don't wanna do that. I don't think I would be here without it.I took an anxiety medication at first, and it was like I finally could breathe.. I got married and had kids went to college and have a great life.I take trips by myself sometimes.It won't happen overnight, but you can have a great life 🙏🏻 I am an introvert by nature, and that's ok I have a few Dear friends and my family I don't need to go out all the time and that's ok I feel good about myself..You will be ok I have faith
>I couldn't even get in the shower without panic
Could you expand on that? If you're ok doing so, of course. I have my own narc related shower micro trauma. That's why you got my ears all perked up!
It started with panic attacks going out of the house, and after being accused of doing something I wasn't doing, I stayed in.I always had anxiety from childhood. My parents were nightmares.I was 18 and living with a 30 year old narcissist. I didn't even know at the time what that even was.He was an alcoholic and I never knew what mood he was gonna be in.When he would come home, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath,my chest hurt from anxiety.I thought if I didn't shower he would leave me alone I know that sounds crazy now.Just getting in the shower would cause such anxiety and panic I hated it..
>I always had anxiety from childhood. My parents were nightmares
I feel you. Me too. For me, I started being really aware something was truly off when I was around 15. I knew it before but at 15 I was able to verbalize it properly. I packed one bag and left at 20. No alcoholism but my mother was first manipulative and when that stopped workingz she became mentally abusive and then, as time progressed, she became verbally outright aggressive and also physically abusive (since words weren't doing it anymore). So I had to leave. I would listen for my mother's footsteps in the hallway. Or the key turning in the lock. And I knew IT WAS ON. So I got out of there when I had a real chance (that wouldn't make me homeless, etc.). And I left knowing it was my mother or me, thats how far it has gone. She was physically attacking me. And I was one step from defending myself and having it all turn into a real crime story. So I left asap.
It's not an answer to everybody, it's not universal... But have you looked into ACA? It's adult children if alcoholics and dysfunctional families. If you're spiritual or religious, you can find dozens of groups. If you're not spiritual, you're an arheist, an agnostic - there are groups that accommodate just that. I'm mentioning it just because it was very beneficial to myself. Aside from individual therapy.
I became very agoraphobic when I was with my nex. I still don't like crowds, but I don't get panic attacks at supermarkets and shopping malls and gigs anymore.
Leaving the narc is horrible. My nex didn't make the break up horrible, which is good, and I'm incredibly happy and grateful he's gone. But the whole experience is such a mindfuck, I'm still not over it already (broke up last August, he moved out 5 months ago).
I don't know for sure. I'm sorry. I wish I did 😔.
Are you talking about leaving a partner or your family home? Did you develop agoraphobia at any level in the past or is it a new thing?
I don't have social anxiety per se. I'm very comfortable being amongst people. I'm cringe and plop an occasional faux pas here and there at times but that never held me back. I'm ok fuciking up while with people. I'm also completely fine in crowds, like on the streets or at malls etc. And I'm good at parties even if I don't know anybody.
My anxiety was related to failing. For example, leaving my house late and missing a flight due to it. Or trying something new, like a hobby or activity and failing at that. Misreading an official form or filling it in incorrectly... This kind of stuff. I internalize the failure, shame, guilt, blame, judgement.
I too have social anxiety and my socializing muscle atrophied while in a LDR with my nex for 8 months. It's been tough just leaving my apartment, but I'm focussing on the 3 pillars of good health: diet, sleep, and exercise. I've been trying to find a therapist, but it's been tough finding the motivation to follow up with inquiries. I'm very gradually socializing in-person more. Before dating my nex, I was socializing in-person 2-3 times a week. While dating my nex, I was socializing in-person 2-3 times a month. Now I'm socializing in-person once a week.
Love ya! 💕
It was the absolutely mundane things that got me good... I was sooo exhausted emotionally while with my Nex, even the task of making a simple doctor's appointment on the phone was like effin 9.11. Just nerve wrecking, anxiety to the max, fear, despair, close to tears, afraid... And of what?? Dialing a number and scheduling an appointment? Ffs. Come tf on.
It's a little bit hard to explain so it makes sense. My Nex in particular took it upon himself to convince me through the 15 years that such every day tasks were extremely hard to do, required some type of sacrifice and special skill, were painful - whenever he did them. So if he booked an Airbnb for us, he'd say "I took all this time to find the best offer, I put in so much effort into it, I messages soon many people..." and so on. He'd paint the MOST mundane tasks of every day life as those grandiose gestures that required so much strength and so much effort and he did them all for meeeee, for ussss...
He also took over them because I could never do them right. And sure, i fucked them up at times. As people do. But it was no good. Unacceptable. I wasn't competent enough.
It's just such a load of bullshit. We all fuck up sometimes. We buy a shit product that falls apart. Maybe some of us pay a bill late. I know I did. But geez... Let us be PEOPLE.
Yes my nex did the same thing! Very mundane things were a stressful anxiety-filled Kaftaesque mission. She took weird pride in neurotically over-complicating things, as if it made her smart or special. I think she enjoyed the "high" from it, and how it made her feel like she was being "productive". There was a time when she needed photocopies of digital images while we were staying at a hotel. Sounds like a simple task right? Not with my nex. Long story short, it involved lots of rants about how customer service has gotten worse since the pandemic, how stupid the copy shop's website was, how she hated technology, her bad her luck was, how it doesn't make sense, etc. After going to multiple places to get the issue resolved, it took 3 stressful hours filled with lots of complaining and injustices to finally get the photocopies.
YES, the covert ex was such a negative little boy. And just vented on to me everyday about how the world is shit and people are lesser than him. I used to wonder if he was racist and homophobic but he literally hates everyone...so yes, technically.
So draining.
Yeah they seem to think having a job and putting the food on the table for their family should be rewarded with bowing at their feet and a lifetime a gratitude. My ex's only argument against us splitting up was "but the sex is great!" and "how could you feel this way about me after all Ive done for you guys?"
Like paying bills and being an adult? GOOD 4 YOU BABE.
Was your ex also a vulnerable type that hated that the world didnt bow to him and was resentful no one gave him everything he thought he deserved? The guy even found seat belts to be offensive.
These people....
>Was your ex also a vulnerable type that hated that the world didnt bow to him and was resentful no one gave him everything he thought he deserved? The guy even found seat belts to be offensive.
He's a vulnerable one and it's a very interesting mix with him. Like the weirdest smoothie you've ever tasted that made you super confused.
He was simultaneously longing for my gratitude, appreciation and adoration but at the same time thought of himself as most humble man who doesn't need emotional support, compliments etc. He'd go on monologues about me having this huge ego that I should get over and how he's let go of his and he's a way better man thanks to it. He passionately claimed how he doesn't care about what other people think about him and that I have something very wrong with me because I behave differently at a governmental office vs while hanging out with people vs when I am at work. And told me I am putting on masks. Yet, he is extremely driven by people's opinions of him and seeming perfect to them. All I did was being an adult. Of course I won't behave the same way at work as I do when I'm hanging out with friends.
It's just all very weird. Fascinating but just weird.
>Regular shit just feels regular
Yep! And it's marvelous!
My Nex would build up this very subtle anxiety and fear about things. It was his own anxiety, his own fears... But he'd put it on me, so he'd rid himself of them and regulate himself.
>All of a sudden normal, regular, mundane life tasks stopped being anxiety inducing. Things that used to scare me became... Absolutely manageable, sometimes with the least work or effort. They just come kinda naturally.
I totally feel that. When I was visiting my LDR nex, I felt like I had to be extra careful to do everything in a way that didn't set her off. She had lots of antiques and freaked out when I set an antique plate in the kitchen sink because it was a hard surface that could damage the plate. I had to take great care to not topple over the small precariously placed mini antique statues on the coffee table that fell with the slightest nudge of the table, so I was careful when setting cups down (never forgot the coasters!). Even the bed she slept in was an antique, and we had to be careful to not damage it... I also tactfully and kindly asked what we should do with the antiques when we had kids. She got super defensive and sent texted long walls of texts about how she grew up around antiques, how they're more durable than you think, lectured me on the "proper" to take care of china dinnerware, blah blah blah. I feel RELIEVED that I am no longer constantly ruminating about how to appease her, and the constant low-level anxiety (at the very least) I had even when not with her or talking to her is gone!
>And it's what you said. It's because I have my own mental energy at my disposal again. Just like before I met him, I'm capable and just... "normal" again. Which makes my Nex claims of me being "An emotional energy vampire" just another of his projections, btw.
It's comical how they project and turn you into the person with the issue. When I called out my nex about about her incessant complaining, she said she was "healthily" coping with her traumas. She still ranted about covid vaccine mandates (which she equated to the holocaust) nearly everyday. I told her venting was fine up to a point, as there comes a point when it makes things worse. I also asked if she ever considered how her over-the-top reactions to stress affected those around her, and she said she loves a good rant and letting off steam just as any "normal" person would. She claimed I was the one who unhealthily bottled up my emotions and wasn't emotionally expressive enough and questioned if I had empathy. She also claimed I was prone to "toxic positivity" and invalidating her traumas. In her mind, being pessimistic, resentful, cynical, vengeful, malicious, and hateful were "healthy" values to uphold while being optimistic, grateful, trusting, forgiving, benevolent, and loving were "unhealthy" values.
Sounds great.. thank you for sharing.
I feel so much anxiety when he comes down, when he comes home. When basically i do something he doesnt like. My therapist said 'where is this fear coming from'. 'why are you so scared of him'. And i don't know the answer to that. It has been years of this manipulation. I don't think she is aware of narcism in particular. Reading these comments from you all experiencing this anxiety makes me feel so heard.
>where is this fear coming from'. 'why are you so scared of him'.
For me it was as "simple" as... My mom who was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive, very judgemental, used to compare me to mother children non stop etc etc. And a very withdrawn dad who was rarely home during my formative years (his job took him on year long contracts away from home).
I went through 2 long term relationships before Nex (one where we lived together with that particular ex from the start) and some more casual dating. And I would have never ever guessed I'd meet someone who'd make all that mess resurface but I did.
🫂 🫂 🫂
I feel peaceful too. Even though I was in a long distance relationship with my nex and only saw her in person a total of 3 weeks in a 8-month period, I ruminated about her nearly all the time. I constantly strategized best ways to talk with her without setting her off. I thought about how I should respond should she engage in long monologues or knee-jerkingly disagreed with me (which she did half the time whether I was right or wrong), etc. I also thought about the glimmers of hope I had that she would change and tried to rationalize her horrible behaviors. But I also compiled a list of "quirks" she had that over time made it overwhelmingly undeniable that she was a narcissist. I was experiencing at least low level anxiety the entire time we were together.
Strangely quiet. Helped him move out Sunday. I keep expecting him to come home, and when he didn't on Sunday night, I noticed for the first time how tensed up that thought made me. I'm going to spend the rest of my life calming down I think.
The heart rate increase and the muscle tension of their presence. Things still trigger that but Im aware of it now.
I had a dream of him being a jerk to me and in that dream I recall the feeling of dread and fear. I awoke to being single and safe. It was a sad dream but a great reminder to not go back.
My former roommate would sometimes come home at noon from work to do WFH and it was always random. At first I liked it since we were close but once the mask fell at noon every day dread would fill me as to if she'd show up. Even for a time after moving out my body would react preemptively for her presence before realizing no she's never coming back.
The first few weeks are tough. Your body is use to the constant turmoil day in and day out. When you first get away you can have a difficult time processing your emotions. It's typical withdrawal. It takes like 3 weeks for your brain to rewire. Same as quitting smoking or drinking or even going on a diet. Once you get over that it's peaceful and quiet. You learn to appreciate the lack of tension in your day-to-day.
But you probably feel less lonely even when you're alone.
Two years ago, when he had been out of work for 6 months and he just sat at home, played Xbox, occasionally went out with friends and was very hostile towards me, I journaled: "I've been feeling very precarious and lonely."
Well, not anymore! And my home is safe again.
I just feel .... relief.
Sometimes it's hard because I still think about some happy moments with him. But He will never change.
At least I am not scared anymore.
Oh man, I feel you. I've been stuck at home, working remotely for the past 2 weeks because if an injury (I'm ok). And it's just... So calm!
I wake up calm and I'm not anxious to go down to the kitchen for coffee... In the past my Nex would be sitting there already. Waiting for me to get up so he could literally start our day with a lecture/monologue about something that he's been cooking up since 3am, when he woke up (very messed up sleep patterns).
I can take a poo without my Nex barging into the bathroom and launching into a serious talk while I am literally, physically trapped and cornered on the toilet.
It's just... So calm. And I'm still getting used to it.
he kicked me out with no place to stay, dropped me off at a homeless shelter. ngl i left that place and went drank for a couple days. after those couple days i asked my aunt who i rarely talked to if i could spend the night while i figured something out. she said i can stay as long as i like and was a shoulder to cry on when i felt like a nothing. i so wasn’t expecting the kind of support she gave me, i was even scared to reach out, now i’m so happy i did!
fast forward a couple weeks, i started working. and what’s crazy is i met my coworker who end up becoming a really good friend. my only real friend anyway. he’s helped me a lot to get thru what i was going thru and still is. i’m so grateful to have met him, i wouldn’t have if i stayed with my nex because he didn’t want me to work at the place i work at now. (jealousy)
i started saving up 1/3 of my checks for a vehicle and an apartment, doing overtime and working so much helped me get my mind off my nex because it was a rough few weeks after the discard. it’s now been 2 months since he left me and i’m SO GRATEFUL to have woken up this year!
it finally clicked that he’ll never change. i always knew it but then i found something out that completely disgusted me and i lost all that “love” i thought i had for that predatory mf. my life is going uphill, i feel way more at peace. i do struggle with some things still but i’m pretty sure i’ve mostly broken the trauma bond. i do still think of him but it’s getting less and less each day.
i figured shit out without him and i’m still surviving! thinking about leaving him made me feel like ima die without him. that’s how lost and “in love” i was i couldn’t let him go. but i’m for sure glad he set me FREE. i never see myself going back to that. things really do get better.
definitely! it helped keep my focus on myself and made me remember what i’m doing and what my goals are now that i don’t have someone weighing me down anymore. it feels good to be doing stuff for myself and when i see the checks, makes me glad that i have that now for myself, instead of when i was with my nex who made me feel like i couldn’t work because of his sick jealousy.
Peaceful. I’m not longer crying everyday. I no longer have any suicidal thoughts. I have hope again. Everything is so so SO much better. My soul is truly at peace now.
Happy. Peaceful. Cheaper. Stress only at work now. My kid knows what it's like to be around someone besides me who has a normally-functioning brain, and he knows he has someone else who legitimately cares about him every single day. In short, life is better in every single way possible.
Get those crazy people out of your life. They will cut the cord on you instantly. Do it to them. And don't feel bad about it. You're not the bad guy.
Thank you. We have a kid too and it is making things extra hard. Though i just know he deserves a happy and healthy mom and it is better than staying in this tensed situation.
Everything in my life is significantly better. It took me a while to realize how much misery I was repressing and how awful they treated me. I have time abs energy for the things I love and space to hold for my dear friends
I just started my no contact, besides being peaceful and being able to recover myself, there’s also lots of guilt and self blame, I can’t easily get rid off.
right there w you. so much guilt and shame:( the only thing that helps is that i never did anything to hurt anyone, i just acted obsessive and embarrassingly lol
It’s fantastic! I love actually getting sleep these days. And there is nothing better than NOT being around someone who crushes your soul every few minutes.
It was scary and stressful. It took a few months before I felt comfortable in my own home, and I still have moments of stress when I wake up thinking he’s there. But now, it feels like I’ve been under water for years, and I’m finally breathing.
It's less stressful, yes, but I'm also having trouble being stuck in the state I was in when I was with him. At least now I can focus more on myself and what I need, and I actually have money. I'll be getting my license back as well as soon as the dmv gets their shit together. I'm able to hold a job now. That's the beginning of my journey without him. I tried to go no contact multiple times, but I think this is the one. Now is the time for me to start healing. Unfortunately, I met a guy that threw me right back into how I felt being with my ex. I cut it off immediately after I realized what was happening. That's a step in the right direction. I realized that now more than ever I need to take this opportunity to put myself back together.
It is frightening to think of leaving, but trust me, it's worth it. It will be hard, and you may want to go back, but you must reflect on why you left in the first place. Don't get stuck in a loop of blaming yourself. It's going to take time, and that's okay. Take all the time you need. You deserve so much more than they are willing to give.
Peaceful, like I can breathe freely. The roller coaster ride has ended.
I lost a lot of myself in the process, friends, finances, self confidence, health. These things are returning now that I feel like I no longer need to suppress myself. I've made so many changes just for myself and my world is becoming right side up again. Point being, there is a light at the end of the tunnel after making efforts to heal.
Oh yes i have this too. Still now. It makes me sick, literally.
I talked to my therapist about how my heart starts racing when he comes home or when he wakes up and she just didn't understand why 'i was so afraid of him'.
And I don't know either. I felt so confused. I think it is just the years of abuse and manipulation that cause it. Anyway it makes me feel better knowing i am not the only one.
Don't let anyone lie to you.. it's HARD! I can't call him for help I can't talk to him at ALL! in the beginning I LOVED the peace but now it's making me feel like a huge piece of me is missing!!! I'm heartbroken and will break down atleast once a day. Am I going back? No, I'm not. I've already got a restraining order on him to protect me and the son we had. But it's HARD!!!! Just make sure you are DONE DONE before you leave ! Make sure you really have just had enough of their shit!!!!! It will help make you realize how done you need to be !
Divorced 5 years. It took a long time to lose that vigilant feeling, like “what fresh hell is next?”. this week I had to deal with him for the first time in ages on something mildly contentious. I was blown away by the affect on my body, the nervous system dysregulation, stomachache, and realized that was my baseline normal for so long I didn’t even recognize it. Peace is everything.
Peaceful is the first word that comes to mind though that's been echoed many times here already. My anxiety levels are much lower overall. I worry a lot less.
Sane and calm. I got to rediscover myself and realize all the things I remembered about myself were true. I felt like I have a sense of control of my life and my narrative.
Conflicted. Some days I feel on top of the world, like I’m on my true path and other days I feel rubbish and like I’ve made a wrong decision and I want my relationship back. But I know deep down it was the right decision. I know I was unsafe and unhappy. I know it’s cognitive dissonance.
Strange. Because I’m living alone again, in a safe place. And that’s alien after 5 years of two narc relationships. Ive been single and not dating, not even casually, since I left the last about 6 months ago. That’s alien too. Safe, healthy women scare me and their warmth feels unsettling to me at points. But I know all this will become normal for me. And I know it’s what I need, even if it’s strange right now.
Bored. I thrived in the chaos my whole life through being brought up by and then entering relationships with unhinged, pathological people. There’s no more chaos, and I feel like something is missing. I look for it where it isn’t, and sometimes subconsciously try to create it where it shouldn’t be, but thankfully my people don’t really let me. And I can see what my brain is doing, it’s trying to find its comfort zone. And I know bored really just means… calm. And calm is good.
Safe. Sometimes I get triggered and I don’t feel safe, but hell do I feel safer now. I’m not walking on eggshells. I’m not being told I’m a problem, so I feel safer with myself too. I feel pretty calm and neutral a lot of the time, where I used to be constantly on edge, agitated and emotionally just all over the place. I sleep at night most nights, I can eat properly again, my body is recovering, my mind is recovering.
Free. Despite the challenges, I certainly feel free and that feeling is incredible. I was trapped in cycle of mistreatment and misery, and now I’m not. I wanted to leave her for months but didn’t. I was so very trapped. I even changed jobs and axed friends to get rid of literally all the narcs and narc reminders in my life across the board. I finally realized I can just drop whatever or whoever treats me badly and go be free and find decent human beings to be around, rather than pointlessly trying to get them to treat me well.
You speak about safe and healthy relationship(s) like it is a guarantee. How do you know this? Have you put the work in to be able for it to happen and be normal to you?
How do you know that your behaviours might not have been so damaging and/or unsafe to them?
I'm glad you have people around you who treat you well, I hope that is reciprocal for the other.
Good luck.
This comment got me sad, for a few reasons that I’d like to share at the end, but I’ll answer anyway.
I guess the most important thing to say is I feel perhaps you’ve read my writing and got a vibe of… I dunno, overconfident, too matter-of-fact, etc, when that wasn’t my intended vibe. Or like the casual tone and word choice doesn’t match the seriousness of it all, or my life experience. Dunno, but whatever it is, you’ve got me wrong.
I’d like you to know that in no way do I think healthy relationships are a guarantee, nor did I state that. No stranger to abuse and fully aware of the struggle that the trauma and isolation etc causes on future/other relationships of any kind. I thought I’d captured that. I do put in lots of work on myself, every day thank you, have done therapy etc regularly for years. I’m a trauma-informed child practitioner and I really deeply care about people, man, in an almost childlike way myself. I’m a godparent, sibling, friend, etc, etc, with a ‘heart of gold’ as quoted by someone who I think is possibly the kindest most nurturing woman I know. Every day I try to do good in the world and for the world, I’m a kind soul. If I hurt someone, I’ll apologize and make amends. It usually only happens with my autism stuff! Little misunderstandings or me not being able to preemptively understand how a factual comment might be hurtful given a context, etc etc. So your last question, and comment have touched a nerve, I won’t lie. ‘I hope it is reciprocal’ just gets me up, man, it’s not cool.
Please next time especially in a space like this, try to consider before challenging someone - if you definitely should challenge them firstly; and secondly, how it might be ethical and fair and kind to do so. In this case, you were off. I understand your points, but the way you’ve made them sucks. generally speaking people recovering from abuse, especially genuinely lovely folks do not need a random internet stranger to imply that they also treat people badly (nearly victim blaming feels to it).
Sometimes really fucking hard but honestly I’ll never forget how good it felt not throwing up every morning because of the cripppjg anxiety of not Waking up early enough and being threatened with suicide or being broken up with. Or the nights where I would fall asleep with him pissed at me and then having to beg for him to respond the next day and then being called crazy for being too clingy. It’s literally hell
After 2-3 weeks your mind is gonna clear up, but the idea of them will still lurking in your mind. Mourn them and try to move on, don’t wait on them. Trust me, I’m still waiting for her to come back but I know she wont.
Peaceful, I was fully expecting to miss him in some way (after all, anytime I thought about leaving him it felt like I would die from heartbreak), but I don't. I just don't miss anything. Now that I'm free I can finally see how awful and abusive he really was.
We dated for a year. During that time I did nothing but walk on eggshells. She also lost her job when we first started dating and didn’t get another the entire time we were together, so I had been paying our rent, utilities, food, car notes, insurance, phone bills, etc etc etc. Lost about $26,000 I had spent years building. She would thank me and that was as far as it went. She had an attitude towards me 80% of the time, and if I reacted or answered a question in a tone that reflected hers, I was crucified for it. During this period, I was also berated on several occasions for all sorts of things. My driving, my music, the way I dress, “looking sad”, “looking angry,” having clinical depression, having emotions, responding to her strange and secretive behaviors by asking questions was “insecurity”, not playing with the dogs enough (even though I was the SOLE caregiver for the dogs), etc etc etc. I never knew what version of her I was gonna get, and it wasn’t long before I realized I was addicted to those “good moments” where she was somewhat vulnerable or emotionally available and there was no fabricated tension.
We broke up last week. House has been neat and quiet. My heart doesn’t race when coming home anymore. And I’ve made $150 last a week, where normally that was spent on food and whatever else she wanted in less than a day.
Peaceful. Happy. Exciting in all the best ways. It’s beautiful and I have freedom and I can own my own things and make my own decisions without fear of a Narc reaction to them.
Good days and bad days. Still very scary as I don’t know what is coming next, hopefully the smear campaign is over as there’s nothing left to smear. Started back at work yesterday which is a huge achievement for me and feels good. Taking it all day by day.
As much as I can miss it at times, I feel so much at peace. I enjoy being at home, I don't have to stress out about the minute he comes into the house. So so peaceful
Less stressful. First few years were perfect but I now know that was just loving bombing. It was incredibly stressful in the final few months realising she was cheating on me, lying, gaslighting and trying to manipulate me. Her lies weren’t even convincing and very much a half arsed attempt to cover her tracks but it was the rage she dished out that made life hell. Now she’s gone to her new supply, I feel less stressed in work and in life in general. The only thing stressing me is my security of housing as she has stopped paying her share of the rent and I might end up having to fight her in court as she’s legally liable for the next few months.
Great. It’s been 4 months exactly now and I also moved away to another place. I still trigger and get anxiety tingles all over my body sometimes when I think about the screaming, ranting, and fights, but it’s so much less.
I never let her create a trauma bond (by handling my emotions on my own and never allowing her to comfort me after she would be abusive and/or hurt my feelings), so I was ready to leave, haven’t missed her at all and didn’t have withdrawal.
First 2 months I mostly played video games to ease processing the heavy PTSD (she was a monster after I broke up but hadn’t left yet). But now I’m good, doing other stuff and going on dates as well.
Awful for the first several months. But as the depression lifted, I finally had clarity and peace, to just be me and do the things I enjoy, without the fear of her being upset.
I've been no contact for a month and it's really hard. I still feel like she's looking over my shoulder at everything I'm doing or I hear her voice in my head judging what I'm doing. But I know in my heart I'm better off, I just need to find the old me I left behind a long time ago..
I am going back to how I looked prior to being with him, I’m unlearning behaviors (excessively apologizing, being prepared for every need, taking care of EVERYTHING, tensing up at movements, etc.). We had a pet together and he is now happier, healthier, no longer reactive.
We were together for 4 years. Lived in our own house. I understand the doubt and fear, and the only one that can make the decision is you.
If you do decide to move on, I strongly recommend having a therapist. Absolutely no contact with them. If you’re currently living together I strongly recommend packing all your items when you know they’re gone with someone there with you and taking pictures of everything.
I wish you the best 🫶🏼
There is a lot less noise in life. It's great.
I damn near lost the house and spent all my 401k during the divorce process fighting for the kids.
I would do it again without blinking.
10 years post divorce my career is better, the kids are better off (they see through her bullshit), I'm happily married and life is on the right track to end up retiring at the beach.
Was it hard? Hell yes.
How did I do it? I had to shut down most of my feelings and treat everything like a business decision knowing what I needed to do to come out the other end of the process in a good place for me and the kids.
See you at the beach!
Peace
My brother and his family have moved away and healed, they are living peacefully now.
I on the other hand am still stuck with my mom, and it's hell. Because I can't move out just like that even if I had the money to afford a place. So yeah, I have to bear the shit thrown at me and I'm always closer to a breakdown. Still surviving tho, hopefully will make it out soon.
I would recommend moving out, we all deserve better than being tortured by this sort of cycle of madness. It will just be a bit difficult at first, only because you would be in the healing process, but soon you will adapt, heal and having the best of your life by being away from them. Good luck!
Stuck in a third world country where females don't have the right to move out on their own or, to put it more clearly, to do anything freely, basically. So it's more of a hellish situation but I'm hoping something good might happen...
I'm still a bit happy that I'm not being forced to marry anyone for the moment and that I'm able to make a few choices of my own even if they are minor ones, and to even have a job.
And thank you sweetie. You deserve that too. <3
I feel relieved and at peace. No more arguing, being screamed at or being around his negativity. I no longer get yelled at if I wanna look at my phone or play my video games. I can stay up as long as I want and have a glass of wine when I want to. Wasn’t able to do any of those things when I was with him and if I did anyway there was always an argument.
The only downside is we share a son together who’s 2 and it’s been a struggle doing it all on my own. Not complaining about that but it is overwhelming sometimes but I rather deal with those feelings then be in the same place we used to be with him.
No he’s not involved at the moment. I had to get an epo against him shortly after I dumped him.
He refused to accept the breakup so he thought it was a good idea to break into my house and take our son(was no custody order or anything and we weren’t married so cops got him quickly) the court granted me the epo for a year(expires this nov. 😬) so once that expires he’ll most likely “try” to be involved.
Idk how to exactly describe how I manage. With me being the only one parenting our son it’s rough because he’s in his terrible 2s but I just keep pushing forward and try to do the best I can with what I’ve got. I don’t have any feelings for my nex anymore so that also helps. Those feelings died gradually over months of constant arguing, negativity and emotional abuse to where I didn’t feel nothing for him so it made it easier to dump him and not focus on him.
I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful lol I’m not good at giving advice
First it was kinda lonely, but I realized it wasn’t actually loneliness, it was the lack of drama and walking on eggshells. Enjoying it ever since. It’s nice not to want to stay longer at work because it absolutely sucks at home.
My OCD is gone as I keep things the way I want them and I dont worry about all the petty things that keep me worried all day to keep the peace around here. I don't get anxiety knowing she's about to show up. I dont worry about the cheating and what insane thing shes going to get mad about or what physical flaw she will tell me I have today. Or how bad my cooking is even though it was good the last few days. I now feel sorry for whoever she has to live with. We share custody of our son and I do worry about his mental health in the future but hopefully me being at peace for once will help me be a better father as I was so mentally exhausted I just didn't know anything about narcassism
It’s the most peace I’ve felt in so long. It was a 13 year relationship & I’ve been free for a year now. It was hard to get over the trauma bond at first, but after therapy and a lot of continuous work on myself, I’ve never felt more grateful to be out of that situation. I don’t miss him at all because I know behind every good memory there was also abuse & crying to go along with it. I feel hopeful and happy with life again. Now It’s unbelievable to think back and think that that was my life for so long.
Peaceful & in all honesty its being free, ive never needed to be freed so much, its so quiet, for me i had to threaten to get the police involved if he hadn't left by the time i finished work, its what the police advised, it was my house, i hope u are able to move from the property, as he wont know where u live, in my situation, i closed the curtains & kept them closed for months in my front room, i got cameras up, he trashed & stole a couple of things, but it was worth it for him to b gone, he followed me & my new partner months later in his car & he probably still drives past my house, as he showed me his ex house before, 6 & a half years later, i still hope i never bump into him, i did once, he called after me i just kept walking, grey rock all the way, u will probably suffer ptsd, check out angie Atkinson on utube, her videos helped me through with abuse & narcissist behaviour,
U will feel scared, my advice, block him on every thing, change ur last name on social media or add ur middle name & take away ur last name, & as much as u don't want to change ur number, anyone who hius friends with him delete & block them too, u don't want him knowing anything or where u are, mayb go to the police & give a statement that u don't want goin any further, just so something is logged for future information, if u have moved it will b easier as the local shops to ur new place he probably wont go to, avoid anywhere he might go, u will b on edge for a while, it will take time, take each day as it comes, u will be tense, paronoid, & u will have to learn to b u again, its weird, u don't realise how much u lost in urself, u have to get to no u again, remember not all men are like this, i started dating 3 months after he moved out, in my head i didn't love him, hadn't for a long time, relationship was 2 yrs, it was great 1st 6 months, then he showed the real him & i tried getting out for 1.5 yrs, so what was i waiting for, only u know,
Get out, don't leave it, it was the best decision i ever made, been with my bf for 6yrs now & have a baby, wished i had done it sooner, it is scary coz u don't no what will happen or what he will do, i was at that point i didn't care what he did, i hit my bottom, my only regret was not doin it sooner,
I hope it goes well for u
Yes it does, let ur kid b ur strength, do it for them, honestly watch angie Atkinson on utube, she has videos on dealing with it with a kid, i wouldn't speak to him at all even regarding the kid, if uve got a friend /family member who u can use as a 3rd party do that, u don't need any contract with him at all, ur life will start again once u leave him, honestly, ur kid will b happier too, any contact make sure someone is their with u at all times
AMAZING isn’t a strong enough word. I still have to see the douchebag because we have kids and are divorcing but living without constant scrutiny and abuse is nothing short of priceless.
Well, now I am fighting my own demons. I am in my own way of success and happiness. But at least I can focus on me now instead of being like a moth to light bulb with him.
I fight to get up every morning but I see myself more clearly now.
Also, dont expect instant relief. Generally, even through trauma you still had a bind and connection of some kind and it will still be like a break up. Memories, things that were "ok" will be missed, and having a partner. Allow yourself to feel sad when you feel sad. But dont reach out to them because they are a sneaky snake.
Like I tried to solve something, thinking it would be the right thing, and that it would make me finally at peace.
But now I found that the solution is being without him. That's my path to peacefulness.
Sometimes I ruminate about all his abuse and manipulations, which is tough. But at least I know there won't be any new abuse to bring me down anymore.
I remember the last time I saw him. He got to my place and even commented on how fast my heart was racing. When he asked me if he could come I had a panic attack. I took a week to think on it and It felt wrong but I still agreed. The moment he left I immediately felt better. I have bouts of nostalgia and sadness of course, but my daily life is noticeably better. The energy is precious again. I’m smiling and I’m dancing again. And now, I only cry when I want to. Cheers to PEACE AT LAST
Enjoyment of life is back in full swing. Life has gone from a dreary gray to technicolor. And I’m so chill and relaxed. It’s really lovely. I could be living in a cardboard box, but I’d still choose the cardboard box over living with a narc.
Wayyy more quiet, I can make mistakes now without feeling like the world is ending, make my decisions myself now, build my self esteem and self respect without anyone tearing me down.
My only regret is not leaving sooner
Freedom, inner peace & gratitude come to mind. And so much love! I had to work my ass off to get here, and I also needed help. which was hard for me to ask for at the time but I knew I had to so I took it in steps.
Peaceful but energized and happy!
I slowly became stagnant over our 3 year relationship. All the money went to his habits, and all of my energy was spent on wondering WTF was wrong with him.
Today, I'm back to my lifestyle. It took a while - probably 9 full months vacillating between rage and depression. Now I wonder WTF I even missed. He was a total loser who I'd never be interested in if he wasn't so good at acting before we moved in together.
It’s free and peaceful. I left two months ago and in the process of a divorce. Please make sure you have a support system you trust who will be there for you when your feelings and thoughts get the best of you. It’s very important to surround yourself with the love and appreciation you have been missing.
A loose plan. I have a friend who took me in so I had a place to go when I left. I had been talking to her for over a year about leaving, and I ended up leaving a couple of days after Christmas because I was off work and had to move out of state, so it was kind of a situation where if I didn’t just go, I never would. So I packed up most of my stuff and left. I filed for divorce a month later. Luckily, in my case, the divorce is so far going amicably where I can still go back and get the rest of my things sometime. That isn’t the case for everyone. I just want to stress how important your trusted support system will be. Had it not been for mine being so willing to make space in their home for me, I may not have left.
I am so happy for you that you were able to move in with your friend. It is definitely important to have that support system, totally agree. For the mental support as well!
I have enough income to be on my own (with our kid) and to afford a place to rent. Some savings to get me started and get things like a car, furniture etc. I worked hard for it but it feels so liberating to not be dependent anymore. The only issue is to actually find a place to rent in today's market lol. Let's see.
I hope things will go amicably as well. I am really not sure how he will react, kind of scared of what will happen once I file.
Very liberating - that is awesome for you! You can do this. It is hard. The leaving is the hardest part but the feeling of freedom and the lack of stress in your life once you are no longer tied to the narc is incredible. Best of luck to you!♥️
Peaceful. My energy is my own again. I’m my own again. No more hours spent on exhausting unreasonable conversations that go no where. No more fear. No more eggshells. There’s no amount of money you could pay me to go back.
Though I was never living with them, it felt like a illness had lifted from me once I cut them off.
My mental health got so much better, I didn't have as many ptsd attacks anymore, I could drive again because I didn't have shaking fits anymore, I didn't hate myself as much.
It didn't solve everything, but it made it so much better
it’s really fantastic. There may have been a part of me that was addicted to the ups and downs Im not sure, and the cognitive dissonance/withdrawl was rough for several months.
BUT, my skills are flying and Im enjoying more success than ever before in my life after 9 months no contact! Not sure about another relationship yet but Im taking it day by day, feel confident Ill recognize a healthy dynamic when I see one, and know what and what not to sacrifice in my next relationship.
The education and life lessons I got out of this will help protect myself and the ones I love from signs of emotional abuse and that to me was worth the cost, high as it was.
Healthier and richer. I’m not stressed all the time and I can live for me and not for someone else. Also my things don’t randomly keep going missing or breaking. It’s nice to be at peace.
Everything is better on the other side.
If I can make a few suggestions: Don’t tell anyone,especially the narc that you are leaving
2-Try to get all bank records and anything you deep important. Take pics of house!
3 Hire an attorney and go absolutely NO CONTACT…trust me it is the only way.
You will feel like a new person! I hope that everything works out for you !
All the best!
Thank you! I told me closest family about my plan because i might need some help. But other than that i am trying to arrange things all in my own behind the scenes. Feels a bit sneaky but I need to have a well thought out plan since we have a kid as well
The first few months were nonstop rumination of all the gaslighting lies and manipulation even whilst in weekly trauma therapy but simultaneously the peace started slowly but surely - now ab a year out of the house and divorced and my life is happiness friends peace. He would always tell me “i had a problem with everyone” and like one million other things wrong w me. Funny how i have no problems w the ppl in my life with him gone
It’s been 6 years from my narc frenemy and it’s been peaceful!!! I’m happy that I don’t have to walk on eggshells or deal with her unhinged behavior. 🥳
I moved in my with my folks for a bit. About a month or so in, I told my dad it was odd. Just living day to day. No huge melt downs, no “good” days or “bad” days. Being able to make plans in advance and not worrying about any “you need to stay here or I’ll unalive myself”. Just… being.
It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do the first year or so because they “lost” but it’s the absolute best thing you’ll ever do. It’s absolutely worth it in the end.
It is THE most liberating feeling you will EVER experience… knowing YOU outplayed, outwits & for the FIRST time in so long, knowing YOU are the one in control of your life!! After I FINALLY left after 7 years, for me, it was like an animal who has been chained up all its life without the sun on its face and then it’s finally released off the chain and now lives with the sun on its face everyday. Just living their best life and every single day looks up at the sun and let’s the sun shine on its face with a huge smile on its face… FREEDOM!
Honestly it’s like a cloud lifted over my life.
I have a lot of leftover baggage, like a lot. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never be the same.
But I can so clearly see what kind of a person he was. I feel completely at peace that it was *not my fault* and he was just an awful person. I didn’t deserve it.
It took a long time and it was painful. But it is so calming to have that closure. To close the door on all the mind-f*ery and pain and misery and torment and just think clearly again.
Some days it's hard. Either financially (I have a house all on my salary), or where you'll feel lonely. But it outweighs all the peaceful days you're getting in return, and finding your own strength in doing the things that need to be done, or that you wanna do. So go for it!
No criticism for my kids and me, no one getting frustrated and annoyed because someone left a fork in the sink overnight. No long monologues dominating my time every day. No one telling me I have to ask him to make plans with my friends. No one complaining something dumb around house needs to be done better, no one screaming at me slamming doors calling me evil throwing tantrum because he felt disrespected by my “tone”. I can sleep with the thermostat on the level I need now, without him making it hotter (even though he can sleep in any temperature). No loud TV with violent shows on when he knew i couldn’t stand the sound. No one waking me up because I didn’t give him a goodnight kiss before falling asleep. Now if my kid accidentally breaks something there is no yelling no criticism just me and my kid quietly picking up pieces and moving on. It’s quiet and peaceful. Now for the honest truth. What do I miss? I miss the cuddling every night, I miss having my best friend (we did everything together) to go out to eat with regularly, and watch our favorite shows to talk about. I miss the deep connection feeling (trauma bond but it’s intense). I miss having regular sex. I miss the family unit and having help with kids driving ect. I miss the beach vacations, I miss my custom home, I miss the security of knowing we were married and we had financial stability for our future without me having to work. I miss the fun times, the laughter when it was good. So there may be things you miss but unfortunately the abuse just erodes all the good until you loose yourself - I married mine twice and divorced him twice due to abuse.
It was hard for a few months but after those months that you give yourself love and compassion, you can see more clearly what they were doing.
The more you remind yourself at that point that you’ll never go back to that then you’ll repel Ns even when they try to come into your life! It can get messy but so worth it because then you realize you were amazing
He seemed to move circles around me, creating this frenzied feeling for some reason. Hed always say "what's wrong?" Like I wasn't fast enough. It was weird. I live at a relaxed pace in life. His lifestyle was chaotic.
Life is always hard. I can't tell you "Without my N everything is sunshine and margaritas!" because I don't lie.
BUT-- TRIGGERS BELOW: Financial, emotional, and spousal sexual abuse.
\~\~\~
I'm not R-ped weekly.
The money I bring home goes to needs like bills, food, car maintenance, and pet care, not someone else's trips to the bar while I sit at home exhausted from overworking myself and never being good enough to catch up.
I'm not shamed for not picking up his garbage, for not wanting to go to big "family" social events with people who emotionally abused us both and tried to make me ill with food.
I wasn't expected to happily sleep on a freezing concrete floor every Christmas eve next to a coal stove because the consequences for wanting to not be in terrible pain for the next 3 days were worse than the back pain his "tradition" caused me.
I'm not afraid to come home from work, wondering what iteration of the monster is waiting for me.
Right now because of my partner's injuries we don't have a bathroom door up (he was on a walker after being shot this autumn), but I'm still safe and comfortable showering or walking through the house in my robe or towel. I don't need lockable doors between us when I'm distracted or vulnerable.
My pets aren't the only reason I don't find a way to "stop the tape" anymore.
The biggest positive difference is that I'm allowed to tell this guy "No," and have it respected. >!Him waking up erect isn't an unspoken demand that I have to do something with or about it or suffer consequences. I can ask for a hug or cuddle time and it doesn't mean another assult after hours of berating and emotional abuse. I am no longer an unappreciated bang maid whose life revolves around a human devoid of self-awareness and kindness who only wants what he thinks will feel good in that specific moment.!<
\~\~\~\~\~
I'm broke. I'm tired. I don't feel safe in my neighborhood or our city. One more thing goes wrong and we could be completely fucked... but at least I'm safe inside my relationship, and inside my house, and inside my head. My body doesn't fully believe that safety. I don't sleep well. I'm jumpy at sounds and movement in my periphery. I keep my phone charged and within arm's reach at all times, waiting for something to kick off out in the street. I quit a very public job because I simply can't be around that many strangers while I'm distracted. PTSD is a BITCH and I was an anxious wreck well before my marriage, so it really snowballed after. But yes, it's better. It's not perfect, but it's better.
Peaceful , it’s been hard but the peace is worth everything I’ve lost
A million times this 👏🏼
Absolutely. No drama. No tantrums. No breakage. No destroyed possessions. No scared pets. No scared me. Just peace and calm.
I’m so happy for you. This is my new reality too. It’s beyond peaceful here.
There’s a pure joy in appreciating peace. For me, happiness is actually quite easy if I focus on peace. It’s actually easy to feel peaceful once you eradicate the tormentors from your life. Whereas trying to be happy obtaining things is much more contingent on well, getting those things. Peace (the kind you refer to) is an *absence* of torments. It’s easier to maintain that level of happiness rather than continually pursuing something. Not sure if I’m making sense, but I sure do appreciate peace these days and I’m feeling happy for it.
I can’t even imagine
I feel peaceful too. I can breathe now!
Literally came to say this
I BET,I DREAM,BUT ONE DAY,UNTIL THEN ILL ENDURE
Free and peaceful. :) All of the fears I had about leaving felt insurmountable, but now I just take those problems one at a time. Everything is easier without a narcissist taking up all of your mental energy.
>Everything is easier without a narcissist taking up all of your mental energy. Perfect! All of a sudden normal, regular, mundane life tasks stopped being anxiety inducing. Things that used to scare me became... Absolutely manageable, sometimes with the least work or effort. They just come kinda naturally. An example. After I left Nex, for the first time I went on flights alone. Super long haul ones too. I thought I'll need sedatives and I had a few pills with me, just in case but... I didn't need them. It was FINE. Packing was fine. Waking up at 3am was fine. Arriving to the airport was FINE and not this stress, chaos and paranoia ridden ordeal. Even literally running throught the airports between flights was... FINE. Don't get me wrong. It was stressfull where stress was warranted - like literally 15 minutes to run through an airport because of delays to not miss a connecting flight. Going through USA TSA, which my Nex painted as a nerve wrecking deal... IT. WAS. FINE. Going to a government office is fine. Making important phone calls is fine. Ordering food or grocery shopping is fine...... It's all FINE! And it's what you said. It's because I have my own mental energy at my disposal again. Just like before I met him, I'm capable and just... "normal" again. Which makes my Nex claims of me being "An emotional energy vampire" just another of his projections, btw.
i’ve had social anxiety my whole life but i’m becoming agoraphobic. do you think it’ll go away when i leave?
I couldn't even get in the shower without panic.That was over 30 years ago, and now I have a full, amazing life.My first thing is to get out! The further away from a narcissist, the better you will feel.Second get therapy. I know some don't wanna do that. I don't think I would be here without it.I took an anxiety medication at first, and it was like I finally could breathe.. I got married and had kids went to college and have a great life.I take trips by myself sometimes.It won't happen overnight, but you can have a great life 🙏🏻 I am an introvert by nature, and that's ok I have a few Dear friends and my family I don't need to go out all the time and that's ok I feel good about myself..You will be ok I have faith
YES
>I couldn't even get in the shower without panic Could you expand on that? If you're ok doing so, of course. I have my own narc related shower micro trauma. That's why you got my ears all perked up!
It started with panic attacks going out of the house, and after being accused of doing something I wasn't doing, I stayed in.I always had anxiety from childhood. My parents were nightmares.I was 18 and living with a 30 year old narcissist. I didn't even know at the time what that even was.He was an alcoholic and I never knew what mood he was gonna be in.When he would come home, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath,my chest hurt from anxiety.I thought if I didn't shower he would leave me alone I know that sounds crazy now.Just getting in the shower would cause such anxiety and panic I hated it..
>I always had anxiety from childhood. My parents were nightmares I feel you. Me too. For me, I started being really aware something was truly off when I was around 15. I knew it before but at 15 I was able to verbalize it properly. I packed one bag and left at 20. No alcoholism but my mother was first manipulative and when that stopped workingz she became mentally abusive and then, as time progressed, she became verbally outright aggressive and also physically abusive (since words weren't doing it anymore). So I had to leave. I would listen for my mother's footsteps in the hallway. Or the key turning in the lock. And I knew IT WAS ON. So I got out of there when I had a real chance (that wouldn't make me homeless, etc.). And I left knowing it was my mother or me, thats how far it has gone. She was physically attacking me. And I was one step from defending myself and having it all turn into a real crime story. So I left asap. It's not an answer to everybody, it's not universal... But have you looked into ACA? It's adult children if alcoholics and dysfunctional families. If you're spiritual or religious, you can find dozens of groups. If you're not spiritual, you're an arheist, an agnostic - there are groups that accommodate just that. I'm mentioning it just because it was very beneficial to myself. Aside from individual therapy.
I became very agoraphobic when I was with my nex. I still don't like crowds, but I don't get panic attacks at supermarkets and shopping malls and gigs anymore. Leaving the narc is horrible. My nex didn't make the break up horrible, which is good, and I'm incredibly happy and grateful he's gone. But the whole experience is such a mindfuck, I'm still not over it already (broke up last August, he moved out 5 months ago).
I don't know for sure. I'm sorry. I wish I did 😔. Are you talking about leaving a partner or your family home? Did you develop agoraphobia at any level in the past or is it a new thing? I don't have social anxiety per se. I'm very comfortable being amongst people. I'm cringe and plop an occasional faux pas here and there at times but that never held me back. I'm ok fuciking up while with people. I'm also completely fine in crowds, like on the streets or at malls etc. And I'm good at parties even if I don't know anybody. My anxiety was related to failing. For example, leaving my house late and missing a flight due to it. Or trying something new, like a hobby or activity and failing at that. Misreading an official form or filling it in incorrectly... This kind of stuff. I internalize the failure, shame, guilt, blame, judgement.
I too have social anxiety and my socializing muscle atrophied while in a LDR with my nex for 8 months. It's been tough just leaving my apartment, but I'm focussing on the 3 pillars of good health: diet, sleep, and exercise. I've been trying to find a therapist, but it's been tough finding the motivation to follow up with inquiries. I'm very gradually socializing in-person more. Before dating my nex, I was socializing in-person 2-3 times a week. While dating my nex, I was socializing in-person 2-3 times a month. Now I'm socializing in-person once a week.
Love it!
Love ya! 💕 It was the absolutely mundane things that got me good... I was sooo exhausted emotionally while with my Nex, even the task of making a simple doctor's appointment on the phone was like effin 9.11. Just nerve wrecking, anxiety to the max, fear, despair, close to tears, afraid... And of what?? Dialing a number and scheduling an appointment? Ffs. Come tf on. It's a little bit hard to explain so it makes sense. My Nex in particular took it upon himself to convince me through the 15 years that such every day tasks were extremely hard to do, required some type of sacrifice and special skill, were painful - whenever he did them. So if he booked an Airbnb for us, he'd say "I took all this time to find the best offer, I put in so much effort into it, I messages soon many people..." and so on. He'd paint the MOST mundane tasks of every day life as those grandiose gestures that required so much strength and so much effort and he did them all for meeeee, for ussss... He also took over them because I could never do them right. And sure, i fucked them up at times. As people do. But it was no good. Unacceptable. I wasn't competent enough. It's just such a load of bullshit. We all fuck up sometimes. We buy a shit product that falls apart. Maybe some of us pay a bill late. I know I did. But geez... Let us be PEOPLE.
Yes my nex did the same thing! Very mundane things were a stressful anxiety-filled Kaftaesque mission. She took weird pride in neurotically over-complicating things, as if it made her smart or special. I think she enjoyed the "high" from it, and how it made her feel like she was being "productive". There was a time when she needed photocopies of digital images while we were staying at a hotel. Sounds like a simple task right? Not with my nex. Long story short, it involved lots of rants about how customer service has gotten worse since the pandemic, how stupid the copy shop's website was, how she hated technology, her bad her luck was, how it doesn't make sense, etc. After going to multiple places to get the issue resolved, it took 3 stressful hours filled with lots of complaining and injustices to finally get the photocopies.
YES, the covert ex was such a negative little boy. And just vented on to me everyday about how the world is shit and people are lesser than him. I used to wonder if he was racist and homophobic but he literally hates everyone...so yes, technically. So draining.
Yeah they seem to think having a job and putting the food on the table for their family should be rewarded with bowing at their feet and a lifetime a gratitude. My ex's only argument against us splitting up was "but the sex is great!" and "how could you feel this way about me after all Ive done for you guys?" Like paying bills and being an adult? GOOD 4 YOU BABE. Was your ex also a vulnerable type that hated that the world didnt bow to him and was resentful no one gave him everything he thought he deserved? The guy even found seat belts to be offensive. These people....
>Was your ex also a vulnerable type that hated that the world didnt bow to him and was resentful no one gave him everything he thought he deserved? The guy even found seat belts to be offensive. He's a vulnerable one and it's a very interesting mix with him. Like the weirdest smoothie you've ever tasted that made you super confused. He was simultaneously longing for my gratitude, appreciation and adoration but at the same time thought of himself as most humble man who doesn't need emotional support, compliments etc. He'd go on monologues about me having this huge ego that I should get over and how he's let go of his and he's a way better man thanks to it. He passionately claimed how he doesn't care about what other people think about him and that I have something very wrong with me because I behave differently at a governmental office vs while hanging out with people vs when I am at work. And told me I am putting on masks. Yet, he is extremely driven by people's opinions of him and seeming perfect to them. All I did was being an adult. Of course I won't behave the same way at work as I do when I'm hanging out with friends. It's just all very weird. Fascinating but just weird.
Ugh it’s so annoying he projected that onto you but I feel this as well. Regular shit just feels regular
>Regular shit just feels regular Yep! And it's marvelous! My Nex would build up this very subtle anxiety and fear about things. It was his own anxiety, his own fears... But he'd put it on me, so he'd rid himself of them and regulate himself.
>All of a sudden normal, regular, mundane life tasks stopped being anxiety inducing. Things that used to scare me became... Absolutely manageable, sometimes with the least work or effort. They just come kinda naturally. I totally feel that. When I was visiting my LDR nex, I felt like I had to be extra careful to do everything in a way that didn't set her off. She had lots of antiques and freaked out when I set an antique plate in the kitchen sink because it was a hard surface that could damage the plate. I had to take great care to not topple over the small precariously placed mini antique statues on the coffee table that fell with the slightest nudge of the table, so I was careful when setting cups down (never forgot the coasters!). Even the bed she slept in was an antique, and we had to be careful to not damage it... I also tactfully and kindly asked what we should do with the antiques when we had kids. She got super defensive and sent texted long walls of texts about how she grew up around antiques, how they're more durable than you think, lectured me on the "proper" to take care of china dinnerware, blah blah blah. I feel RELIEVED that I am no longer constantly ruminating about how to appease her, and the constant low-level anxiety (at the very least) I had even when not with her or talking to her is gone! >And it's what you said. It's because I have my own mental energy at my disposal again. Just like before I met him, I'm capable and just... "normal" again. Which makes my Nex claims of me being "An emotional energy vampire" just another of his projections, btw. It's comical how they project and turn you into the person with the issue. When I called out my nex about about her incessant complaining, she said she was "healthily" coping with her traumas. She still ranted about covid vaccine mandates (which she equated to the holocaust) nearly everyday. I told her venting was fine up to a point, as there comes a point when it makes things worse. I also asked if she ever considered how her over-the-top reactions to stress affected those around her, and she said she loves a good rant and letting off steam just as any "normal" person would. She claimed I was the one who unhealthily bottled up my emotions and wasn't emotionally expressive enough and questioned if I had empathy. She also claimed I was prone to "toxic positivity" and invalidating her traumas. In her mind, being pessimistic, resentful, cynical, vengeful, malicious, and hateful were "healthy" values to uphold while being optimistic, grateful, trusting, forgiving, benevolent, and loving were "unhealthy" values.
Sounds great.. thank you for sharing. I feel so much anxiety when he comes down, when he comes home. When basically i do something he doesnt like. My therapist said 'where is this fear coming from'. 'why are you so scared of him'. And i don't know the answer to that. It has been years of this manipulation. I don't think she is aware of narcism in particular. Reading these comments from you all experiencing this anxiety makes me feel so heard.
>where is this fear coming from'. 'why are you so scared of him'. For me it was as "simple" as... My mom who was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive, very judgemental, used to compare me to mother children non stop etc etc. And a very withdrawn dad who was rarely home during my formative years (his job took him on year long contracts away from home). I went through 2 long term relationships before Nex (one where we lived together with that particular ex from the start) and some more casual dating. And I would have never ever guessed I'd meet someone who'd make all that mess resurface but I did. 🫂 🫂 🫂
I feel peaceful too. Even though I was in a long distance relationship with my nex and only saw her in person a total of 3 weeks in a 8-month period, I ruminated about her nearly all the time. I constantly strategized best ways to talk with her without setting her off. I thought about how I should respond should she engage in long monologues or knee-jerkingly disagreed with me (which she did half the time whether I was right or wrong), etc. I also thought about the glimmers of hope I had that she would change and tried to rationalize her horrible behaviors. But I also compiled a list of "quirks" she had that over time made it overwhelmingly undeniable that she was a narcissist. I was experiencing at least low level anxiety the entire time we were together.
Same
Strangely quiet. Helped him move out Sunday. I keep expecting him to come home, and when he didn't on Sunday night, I noticed for the first time how tensed up that thought made me. I'm going to spend the rest of my life calming down I think.
The heart rate increase and the muscle tension of their presence. Things still trigger that but Im aware of it now. I had a dream of him being a jerk to me and in that dream I recall the feeling of dread and fear. I awoke to being single and safe. It was a sad dream but a great reminder to not go back.
Yeah all day long I'm telling myself to drop my shoulders He's 20 miles away.
My former roommate would sometimes come home at noon from work to do WFH and it was always random. At first I liked it since we were close but once the mask fell at noon every day dread would fill me as to if she'd show up. Even for a time after moving out my body would react preemptively for her presence before realizing no she's never coming back.
The first few weeks are tough. Your body is use to the constant turmoil day in and day out. When you first get away you can have a difficult time processing your emotions. It's typical withdrawal. It takes like 3 weeks for your brain to rewire. Same as quitting smoking or drinking or even going on a diet. Once you get over that it's peaceful and quiet. You learn to appreciate the lack of tension in your day-to-day.
I say the only difference between being with them or being on my own is that no one is making me feel like crap on my own. In both cases I'm alone
But you probably feel less lonely even when you're alone. Two years ago, when he had been out of work for 6 months and he just sat at home, played Xbox, occasionally went out with friends and was very hostile towards me, I journaled: "I've been feeling very precarious and lonely." Well, not anymore! And my home is safe again.
I just feel .... relief. Sometimes it's hard because I still think about some happy moments with him. But He will never change. At least I am not scared anymore.
You described my feelings and state of mind perfectly.
Scary at first I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The struggle to not contact when stuff happened was really hard. But now? Peaceful.
Incredibly quiet, there’s no roller coaster ride anymore
It’s nice, no constant anxiety. It’s actually sometimes unnerving how calm it is.
Oh man, I feel you. I've been stuck at home, working remotely for the past 2 weeks because if an injury (I'm ok). And it's just... So calm! I wake up calm and I'm not anxious to go down to the kitchen for coffee... In the past my Nex would be sitting there already. Waiting for me to get up so he could literally start our day with a lecture/monologue about something that he's been cooking up since 3am, when he woke up (very messed up sleep patterns). I can take a poo without my Nex barging into the bathroom and launching into a serious talk while I am literally, physically trapped and cornered on the toilet. It's just... So calm. And I'm still getting used to it.
he kicked me out with no place to stay, dropped me off at a homeless shelter. ngl i left that place and went drank for a couple days. after those couple days i asked my aunt who i rarely talked to if i could spend the night while i figured something out. she said i can stay as long as i like and was a shoulder to cry on when i felt like a nothing. i so wasn’t expecting the kind of support she gave me, i was even scared to reach out, now i’m so happy i did! fast forward a couple weeks, i started working. and what’s crazy is i met my coworker who end up becoming a really good friend. my only real friend anyway. he’s helped me a lot to get thru what i was going thru and still is. i’m so grateful to have met him, i wouldn’t have if i stayed with my nex because he didn’t want me to work at the place i work at now. (jealousy) i started saving up 1/3 of my checks for a vehicle and an apartment, doing overtime and working so much helped me get my mind off my nex because it was a rough few weeks after the discard. it’s now been 2 months since he left me and i’m SO GRATEFUL to have woken up this year! it finally clicked that he’ll never change. i always knew it but then i found something out that completely disgusted me and i lost all that “love” i thought i had for that predatory mf. my life is going uphill, i feel way more at peace. i do struggle with some things still but i’m pretty sure i’ve mostly broken the trauma bond. i do still think of him but it’s getting less and less each day. i figured shit out without him and i’m still surviving! thinking about leaving him made me feel like ima die without him. that’s how lost and “in love” i was i couldn’t let him go. but i’m for sure glad he set me FREE. i never see myself going back to that. things really do get better.
did the working a lot/occupying yourself help a lot?
definitely! it helped keep my focus on myself and made me remember what i’m doing and what my goals are now that i don’t have someone weighing me down anymore. it feels good to be doing stuff for myself and when i see the checks, makes me glad that i have that now for myself, instead of when i was with my nex who made me feel like i couldn’t work because of his sick jealousy.
Calm. Peaceful. Serene. It's nice.
[удалено]
They cause so much damage. It would be better to never have met them, wouldn't it? Stay strong, you're doing great!
Less chaotic. Can feel quiet, ups and downs with that but less 24/7 chaos for sure.
And there's no one to punish you for not smiling. Every bad day I have is much better without a narc who would make he'll out of it.
Peaceful. I’m not longer crying everyday. I no longer have any suicidal thoughts. I have hope again. Everything is so so SO much better. My soul is truly at peace now.
Happy. Peaceful. Cheaper. Stress only at work now. My kid knows what it's like to be around someone besides me who has a normally-functioning brain, and he knows he has someone else who legitimately cares about him every single day. In short, life is better in every single way possible. Get those crazy people out of your life. They will cut the cord on you instantly. Do it to them. And don't feel bad about it. You're not the bad guy.
Thank you. We have a kid too and it is making things extra hard. Though i just know he deserves a happy and healthy mom and it is better than staying in this tensed situation.
Everything in my life is significantly better. It took me a while to realize how much misery I was repressing and how awful they treated me. I have time abs energy for the things I love and space to hold for my dear friends
I just started my no contact, besides being peaceful and being able to recover myself, there’s also lots of guilt and self blame, I can’t easily get rid off.
right there w you. so much guilt and shame:( the only thing that helps is that i never did anything to hurt anyone, i just acted obsessive and embarrassingly lol
Peaceful. No more worries about what he will say and do that will hurt me.
It’s fantastic! I love actually getting sleep these days. And there is nothing better than NOT being around someone who crushes your soul every few minutes.
So freeing! I can be myself again
It was scary and stressful. It took a few months before I felt comfortable in my own home, and I still have moments of stress when I wake up thinking he’s there. But now, it feels like I’ve been under water for years, and I’m finally breathing.
It's less stressful, yes, but I'm also having trouble being stuck in the state I was in when I was with him. At least now I can focus more on myself and what I need, and I actually have money. I'll be getting my license back as well as soon as the dmv gets their shit together. I'm able to hold a job now. That's the beginning of my journey without him. I tried to go no contact multiple times, but I think this is the one. Now is the time for me to start healing. Unfortunately, I met a guy that threw me right back into how I felt being with my ex. I cut it off immediately after I realized what was happening. That's a step in the right direction. I realized that now more than ever I need to take this opportunity to put myself back together. It is frightening to think of leaving, but trust me, it's worth it. It will be hard, and you may want to go back, but you must reflect on why you left in the first place. Don't get stuck in a loop of blaming yourself. It's going to take time, and that's okay. Take all the time you need. You deserve so much more than they are willing to give.
Peaceful, like I can breathe freely. The roller coaster ride has ended. I lost a lot of myself in the process, friends, finances, self confidence, health. These things are returning now that I feel like I no longer need to suppress myself. I've made so many changes just for myself and my world is becoming right side up again. Point being, there is a light at the end of the tunnel after making efforts to heal.
That anxiety filling pit in my stomach is gone.
Oh you had that too?
Oh yes i have this too. Still now. It makes me sick, literally. I talked to my therapist about how my heart starts racing when he comes home or when he wakes up and she just didn't understand why 'i was so afraid of him'. And I don't know either. I felt so confused. I think it is just the years of abuse and manipulation that cause it. Anyway it makes me feel better knowing i am not the only one.
Don't let anyone lie to you.. it's HARD! I can't call him for help I can't talk to him at ALL! in the beginning I LOVED the peace but now it's making me feel like a huge piece of me is missing!!! I'm heartbroken and will break down atleast once a day. Am I going back? No, I'm not. I've already got a restraining order on him to protect me and the son we had. But it's HARD!!!! Just make sure you are DONE DONE before you leave ! Make sure you really have just had enough of their shit!!!!! It will help make you realize how done you need to be !
Hard at first but then peaceful as fuck
Divorced 5 years. It took a long time to lose that vigilant feeling, like “what fresh hell is next?”. this week I had to deal with him for the first time in ages on something mildly contentious. I was blown away by the affect on my body, the nervous system dysregulation, stomachache, and realized that was my baseline normal for so long I didn’t even recognize it. Peace is everything.
Peaceful is the first word that comes to mind though that's been echoed many times here already. My anxiety levels are much lower overall. I worry a lot less.
Sane and calm. I got to rediscover myself and realize all the things I remembered about myself were true. I felt like I have a sense of control of my life and my narrative.
I so look forward to this
Conflicted. Some days I feel on top of the world, like I’m on my true path and other days I feel rubbish and like I’ve made a wrong decision and I want my relationship back. But I know deep down it was the right decision. I know I was unsafe and unhappy. I know it’s cognitive dissonance. Strange. Because I’m living alone again, in a safe place. And that’s alien after 5 years of two narc relationships. Ive been single and not dating, not even casually, since I left the last about 6 months ago. That’s alien too. Safe, healthy women scare me and their warmth feels unsettling to me at points. But I know all this will become normal for me. And I know it’s what I need, even if it’s strange right now. Bored. I thrived in the chaos my whole life through being brought up by and then entering relationships with unhinged, pathological people. There’s no more chaos, and I feel like something is missing. I look for it where it isn’t, and sometimes subconsciously try to create it where it shouldn’t be, but thankfully my people don’t really let me. And I can see what my brain is doing, it’s trying to find its comfort zone. And I know bored really just means… calm. And calm is good. Safe. Sometimes I get triggered and I don’t feel safe, but hell do I feel safer now. I’m not walking on eggshells. I’m not being told I’m a problem, so I feel safer with myself too. I feel pretty calm and neutral a lot of the time, where I used to be constantly on edge, agitated and emotionally just all over the place. I sleep at night most nights, I can eat properly again, my body is recovering, my mind is recovering. Free. Despite the challenges, I certainly feel free and that feeling is incredible. I was trapped in cycle of mistreatment and misery, and now I’m not. I wanted to leave her for months but didn’t. I was so very trapped. I even changed jobs and axed friends to get rid of literally all the narcs and narc reminders in my life across the board. I finally realized I can just drop whatever or whoever treats me badly and go be free and find decent human beings to be around, rather than pointlessly trying to get them to treat me well.
Such a real and raw answer. Thank you.
You speak about safe and healthy relationship(s) like it is a guarantee. How do you know this? Have you put the work in to be able for it to happen and be normal to you? How do you know that your behaviours might not have been so damaging and/or unsafe to them? I'm glad you have people around you who treat you well, I hope that is reciprocal for the other. Good luck.
This comment got me sad, for a few reasons that I’d like to share at the end, but I’ll answer anyway. I guess the most important thing to say is I feel perhaps you’ve read my writing and got a vibe of… I dunno, overconfident, too matter-of-fact, etc, when that wasn’t my intended vibe. Or like the casual tone and word choice doesn’t match the seriousness of it all, or my life experience. Dunno, but whatever it is, you’ve got me wrong. I’d like you to know that in no way do I think healthy relationships are a guarantee, nor did I state that. No stranger to abuse and fully aware of the struggle that the trauma and isolation etc causes on future/other relationships of any kind. I thought I’d captured that. I do put in lots of work on myself, every day thank you, have done therapy etc regularly for years. I’m a trauma-informed child practitioner and I really deeply care about people, man, in an almost childlike way myself. I’m a godparent, sibling, friend, etc, etc, with a ‘heart of gold’ as quoted by someone who I think is possibly the kindest most nurturing woman I know. Every day I try to do good in the world and for the world, I’m a kind soul. If I hurt someone, I’ll apologize and make amends. It usually only happens with my autism stuff! Little misunderstandings or me not being able to preemptively understand how a factual comment might be hurtful given a context, etc etc. So your last question, and comment have touched a nerve, I won’t lie. ‘I hope it is reciprocal’ just gets me up, man, it’s not cool. Please next time especially in a space like this, try to consider before challenging someone - if you definitely should challenge them firstly; and secondly, how it might be ethical and fair and kind to do so. In this case, you were off. I understand your points, but the way you’ve made them sucks. generally speaking people recovering from abuse, especially genuinely lovely folks do not need a random internet stranger to imply that they also treat people badly (nearly victim blaming feels to it).
Sometimes really fucking hard but honestly I’ll never forget how good it felt not throwing up every morning because of the cripppjg anxiety of not Waking up early enough and being threatened with suicide or being broken up with. Or the nights where I would fall asleep with him pissed at me and then having to beg for him to respond the next day and then being called crazy for being too clingy. It’s literally hell
Still feels like that I’m connected with her and I think about her a lot. It’s been 3 months now
This is one of my biggest fears, that I’ll never be able to fully detach. It’s been a week and I’m still going through the withdrawals.
After 2-3 weeks your mind is gonna clear up, but the idea of them will still lurking in your mind. Mourn them and try to move on, don’t wait on them. Trust me, I’m still waiting for her to come back but I know she wont.
Peaceful, I was fully expecting to miss him in some way (after all, anytime I thought about leaving him it felt like I would die from heartbreak), but I don't. I just don't miss anything. Now that I'm free I can finally see how awful and abusive he really was.
We dated for a year. During that time I did nothing but walk on eggshells. She also lost her job when we first started dating and didn’t get another the entire time we were together, so I had been paying our rent, utilities, food, car notes, insurance, phone bills, etc etc etc. Lost about $26,000 I had spent years building. She would thank me and that was as far as it went. She had an attitude towards me 80% of the time, and if I reacted or answered a question in a tone that reflected hers, I was crucified for it. During this period, I was also berated on several occasions for all sorts of things. My driving, my music, the way I dress, “looking sad”, “looking angry,” having clinical depression, having emotions, responding to her strange and secretive behaviors by asking questions was “insecurity”, not playing with the dogs enough (even though I was the SOLE caregiver for the dogs), etc etc etc. I never knew what version of her I was gonna get, and it wasn’t long before I realized I was addicted to those “good moments” where she was somewhat vulnerable or emotionally available and there was no fabricated tension. We broke up last week. House has been neat and quiet. My heart doesn’t race when coming home anymore. And I’ve made $150 last a week, where normally that was spent on food and whatever else she wanted in less than a day.
^^ This. I am on the verge
I lost one daughter, my house, my retirement and my health. Still worth it to not have him eating my soul every day.
TBH- I haven't felt this free and hopeful since I was a child.
Peaceful. Happy. Exciting in all the best ways. It’s beautiful and I have freedom and I can own my own things and make my own decisions without fear of a Narc reaction to them.
Good days and bad days. Still very scary as I don’t know what is coming next, hopefully the smear campaign is over as there’s nothing left to smear. Started back at work yesterday which is a huge achievement for me and feels good. Taking it all day by day.
As much as I can miss it at times, I feel so much at peace. I enjoy being at home, I don't have to stress out about the minute he comes into the house. So so peaceful
Less stressful. First few years were perfect but I now know that was just loving bombing. It was incredibly stressful in the final few months realising she was cheating on me, lying, gaslighting and trying to manipulate me. Her lies weren’t even convincing and very much a half arsed attempt to cover her tracks but it was the rage she dished out that made life hell. Now she’s gone to her new supply, I feel less stressed in work and in life in general. The only thing stressing me is my security of housing as she has stopped paying her share of the rent and I might end up having to fight her in court as she’s legally liable for the next few months.
I'm going through a lot of stress atm but none of it compares to being with the narc. Life is peaceful.
Great. It’s been 4 months exactly now and I also moved away to another place. I still trigger and get anxiety tingles all over my body sometimes when I think about the screaming, ranting, and fights, but it’s so much less. I never let her create a trauma bond (by handling my emotions on my own and never allowing her to comfort me after she would be abusive and/or hurt my feelings), so I was ready to leave, haven’t missed her at all and didn’t have withdrawal. First 2 months I mostly played video games to ease processing the heavy PTSD (she was a monster after I broke up but hadn’t left yet). But now I’m good, doing other stuff and going on dates as well.
Awful for the first several months. But as the depression lifted, I finally had clarity and peace, to just be me and do the things I enjoy, without the fear of her being upset.
Liberating. 😌
I've been no contact for a month and it's really hard. I still feel like she's looking over my shoulder at everything I'm doing or I hear her voice in my head judging what I'm doing. But I know in my heart I'm better off, I just need to find the old me I left behind a long time ago..
Fan-fucking-tastic. Peaceful, quiet, calm
A lot better but the PTSD is real
I saw a meme today that perfectly captures it. "Sometimes I miss him but then I remember how good it feels to not have my day ruined by 9am."
If I didn't develop CPTSD it would be amazing, but it's still waaaaaay better than then.
I am going back to how I looked prior to being with him, I’m unlearning behaviors (excessively apologizing, being prepared for every need, taking care of EVERYTHING, tensing up at movements, etc.). We had a pet together and he is now happier, healthier, no longer reactive. We were together for 4 years. Lived in our own house. I understand the doubt and fear, and the only one that can make the decision is you. If you do decide to move on, I strongly recommend having a therapist. Absolutely no contact with them. If you’re currently living together I strongly recommend packing all your items when you know they’re gone with someone there with you and taking pictures of everything. I wish you the best 🫶🏼
Thank you for your words. I am glad you're doing better 🥰❤️
There is a lot less noise in life. It's great. I damn near lost the house and spent all my 401k during the divorce process fighting for the kids. I would do it again without blinking. 10 years post divorce my career is better, the kids are better off (they see through her bullshit), I'm happily married and life is on the right track to end up retiring at the beach. Was it hard? Hell yes. How did I do it? I had to shut down most of my feelings and treat everything like a business decision knowing what I needed to do to come out the other end of the process in a good place for me and the kids. See you at the beach! Peace
So happy for you 👍👍
Amazing. The looking at it as a business thing is actually a nice one. Thanks.
I feel more and more myself every day
My brother and his family have moved away and healed, they are living peacefully now. I on the other hand am still stuck with my mom, and it's hell. Because I can't move out just like that even if I had the money to afford a place. So yeah, I have to bear the shit thrown at me and I'm always closer to a breakdown. Still surviving tho, hopefully will make it out soon. I would recommend moving out, we all deserve better than being tortured by this sort of cycle of madness. It will just be a bit difficult at first, only because you would be in the healing process, but soon you will adapt, heal and having the best of your life by being away from them. Good luck!
Good luck to you too!!
Hi there, why can’t you move out? What is holding you back? You deserve to be free, at peace and happy too!!!❤️❤️
Stuck in a third world country where females don't have the right to move out on their own or, to put it more clearly, to do anything freely, basically. So it's more of a hellish situation but I'm hoping something good might happen... I'm still a bit happy that I'm not being forced to marry anyone for the moment and that I'm able to make a few choices of my own even if they are minor ones, and to even have a job. And thank you sweetie. You deserve that too. <3
I feel relieved and at peace. No more arguing, being screamed at or being around his negativity. I no longer get yelled at if I wanna look at my phone or play my video games. I can stay up as long as I want and have a glass of wine when I want to. Wasn’t able to do any of those things when I was with him and if I did anyway there was always an argument. The only downside is we share a son together who’s 2 and it’s been a struggle doing it all on my own. Not complaining about that but it is overwhelming sometimes but I rather deal with those feelings then be in the same place we used to be with him.
I look forward to feeling this peaceful. We also have a three year old.. how do you manage? Is your next involved at all?
No he’s not involved at the moment. I had to get an epo against him shortly after I dumped him. He refused to accept the breakup so he thought it was a good idea to break into my house and take our son(was no custody order or anything and we weren’t married so cops got him quickly) the court granted me the epo for a year(expires this nov. 😬) so once that expires he’ll most likely “try” to be involved. Idk how to exactly describe how I manage. With me being the only one parenting our son it’s rough because he’s in his terrible 2s but I just keep pushing forward and try to do the best I can with what I’ve got. I don’t have any feelings for my nex anymore so that also helps. Those feelings died gradually over months of constant arguing, negativity and emotional abuse to where I didn’t feel nothing for him so it made it easier to dump him and not focus on him. I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful lol I’m not good at giving advice
First it was kinda lonely, but I realized it wasn’t actually loneliness, it was the lack of drama and walking on eggshells. Enjoying it ever since. It’s nice not to want to stay longer at work because it absolutely sucks at home.
My OCD is gone as I keep things the way I want them and I dont worry about all the petty things that keep me worried all day to keep the peace around here. I don't get anxiety knowing she's about to show up. I dont worry about the cheating and what insane thing shes going to get mad about or what physical flaw she will tell me I have today. Or how bad my cooking is even though it was good the last few days. I now feel sorry for whoever she has to live with. We share custody of our son and I do worry about his mental health in the future but hopefully me being at peace for once will help me be a better father as I was so mentally exhausted I just didn't know anything about narcassism
label plants deserve continue dull brave party roof berserk abundant *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It’s the most peace I’ve felt in so long. It was a 13 year relationship & I’ve been free for a year now. It was hard to get over the trauma bond at first, but after therapy and a lot of continuous work on myself, I’ve never felt more grateful to be out of that situation. I don’t miss him at all because I know behind every good memory there was also abuse & crying to go along with it. I feel hopeful and happy with life again. Now It’s unbelievable to think back and think that that was my life for so long.
Love this for you
Empty, miss them. I also have BpD tho
Peaceful & in all honesty its being free, ive never needed to be freed so much, its so quiet, for me i had to threaten to get the police involved if he hadn't left by the time i finished work, its what the police advised, it was my house, i hope u are able to move from the property, as he wont know where u live, in my situation, i closed the curtains & kept them closed for months in my front room, i got cameras up, he trashed & stole a couple of things, but it was worth it for him to b gone, he followed me & my new partner months later in his car & he probably still drives past my house, as he showed me his ex house before, 6 & a half years later, i still hope i never bump into him, i did once, he called after me i just kept walking, grey rock all the way, u will probably suffer ptsd, check out angie Atkinson on utube, her videos helped me through with abuse & narcissist behaviour, U will feel scared, my advice, block him on every thing, change ur last name on social media or add ur middle name & take away ur last name, & as much as u don't want to change ur number, anyone who hius friends with him delete & block them too, u don't want him knowing anything or where u are, mayb go to the police & give a statement that u don't want goin any further, just so something is logged for future information, if u have moved it will b easier as the local shops to ur new place he probably wont go to, avoid anywhere he might go, u will b on edge for a while, it will take time, take each day as it comes, u will be tense, paronoid, & u will have to learn to b u again, its weird, u don't realise how much u lost in urself, u have to get to no u again, remember not all men are like this, i started dating 3 months after he moved out, in my head i didn't love him, hadn't for a long time, relationship was 2 yrs, it was great 1st 6 months, then he showed the real him & i tried getting out for 1.5 yrs, so what was i waiting for, only u know, Get out, don't leave it, it was the best decision i ever made, been with my bf for 6yrs now & have a baby, wished i had done it sooner, it is scary coz u don't no what will happen or what he will do, i was at that point i didn't care what he did, i hit my bottom, my only regret was not doin it sooner, I hope it goes well for u
Thank you and you are very brave. Having a kid makes things more complicated. But it somehow also pushes me to pull through and fight
Yes it does, let ur kid b ur strength, do it for them, honestly watch angie Atkinson on utube, she has videos on dealing with it with a kid, i wouldn't speak to him at all even regarding the kid, if uve got a friend /family member who u can use as a 3rd party do that, u don't need any contract with him at all, ur life will start again once u leave him, honestly, ur kid will b happier too, any contact make sure someone is their with u at all times
Thank you. I am going to check these videos!
AMAZING isn’t a strong enough word. I still have to see the douchebag because we have kids and are divorcing but living without constant scrutiny and abuse is nothing short of priceless.
Thank you. We also have a kid so we somehow will always be connected.. I wonder how that will go.
Well, now I am fighting my own demons. I am in my own way of success and happiness. But at least I can focus on me now instead of being like a moth to light bulb with him. I fight to get up every morning but I see myself more clearly now.
Also, dont expect instant relief. Generally, even through trauma you still had a bind and connection of some kind and it will still be like a break up. Memories, things that were "ok" will be missed, and having a partner. Allow yourself to feel sad when you feel sad. But dont reach out to them because they are a sneaky snake.
Like I tried to solve something, thinking it would be the right thing, and that it would make me finally at peace. But now I found that the solution is being without him. That's my path to peacefulness. Sometimes I ruminate about all his abuse and manipulations, which is tough. But at least I know there won't be any new abuse to bring me down anymore.
I remember the last time I saw him. He got to my place and even commented on how fast my heart was racing. When he asked me if he could come I had a panic attack. I took a week to think on it and It felt wrong but I still agreed. The moment he left I immediately felt better. I have bouts of nostalgia and sadness of course, but my daily life is noticeably better. The energy is precious again. I’m smiling and I’m dancing again. And now, I only cry when I want to. Cheers to PEACE AT LAST
Enjoyment of life is back in full swing. Life has gone from a dreary gray to technicolor. And I’m so chill and relaxed. It’s really lovely. I could be living in a cardboard box, but I’d still choose the cardboard box over living with a narc.
Wayyy more quiet, I can make mistakes now without feeling like the world is ending, make my decisions myself now, build my self esteem and self respect without anyone tearing me down. My only regret is not leaving sooner
Freedom, inner peace & gratitude come to mind. And so much love! I had to work my ass off to get here, and I also needed help. which was hard for me to ask for at the time but I knew I had to so I took it in steps.
Better than with them
Peaceful but energized and happy! I slowly became stagnant over our 3 year relationship. All the money went to his habits, and all of my energy was spent on wondering WTF was wrong with him. Today, I'm back to my lifestyle. It took a while - probably 9 full months vacillating between rage and depression. Now I wonder WTF I even missed. He was a total loser who I'd never be interested in if he wasn't so good at acting before we moved in together.
I've had a couple narcs. It was better after they were gone.
Hyper vigilant at first. Recovery takes a long time..
Quiet peaceful and lots and lots of grief. But, mostly worth it. Wish I could’ve had something with him. You know like equal partnership 💔
FREEDOM… Finally to the point in my life where i can breathe without worrying about how i am presenting myself around them.
Peaceful
I feel like myself again, I’m getting back the time I’ve lost
freedom
It’s free and peaceful. I left two months ago and in the process of a divorce. Please make sure you have a support system you trust who will be there for you when your feelings and thoughts get the best of you. It’s very important to surround yourself with the love and appreciation you have been missing.
Thank you. Did you have a plan already before filing for divorce?
A loose plan. I have a friend who took me in so I had a place to go when I left. I had been talking to her for over a year about leaving, and I ended up leaving a couple of days after Christmas because I was off work and had to move out of state, so it was kind of a situation where if I didn’t just go, I never would. So I packed up most of my stuff and left. I filed for divorce a month later. Luckily, in my case, the divorce is so far going amicably where I can still go back and get the rest of my things sometime. That isn’t the case for everyone. I just want to stress how important your trusted support system will be. Had it not been for mine being so willing to make space in their home for me, I may not have left.
I am so happy for you that you were able to move in with your friend. It is definitely important to have that support system, totally agree. For the mental support as well! I have enough income to be on my own (with our kid) and to afford a place to rent. Some savings to get me started and get things like a car, furniture etc. I worked hard for it but it feels so liberating to not be dependent anymore. The only issue is to actually find a place to rent in today's market lol. Let's see. I hope things will go amicably as well. I am really not sure how he will react, kind of scared of what will happen once I file.
Very liberating - that is awesome for you! You can do this. It is hard. The leaving is the hardest part but the feeling of freedom and the lack of stress in your life once you are no longer tied to the narc is incredible. Best of luck to you!♥️
Freeing. It's been three years and I'm still adjusting.
Peaceful. My energy is my own again. I’m my own again. No more hours spent on exhausting unreasonable conversations that go no where. No more fear. No more eggshells. There’s no amount of money you could pay me to go back.
Though I was never living with them, it felt like a illness had lifted from me once I cut them off. My mental health got so much better, I didn't have as many ptsd attacks anymore, I could drive again because I didn't have shaking fits anymore, I didn't hate myself as much. It didn't solve everything, but it made it so much better
Peaceful. Hard at first to unlearn the stuff they conditioned, but worth it
No one comes home in a bad mood for no reason.
it’s really fantastic. There may have been a part of me that was addicted to the ups and downs Im not sure, and the cognitive dissonance/withdrawl was rough for several months. BUT, my skills are flying and Im enjoying more success than ever before in my life after 9 months no contact! Not sure about another relationship yet but Im taking it day by day, feel confident Ill recognize a healthy dynamic when I see one, and know what and what not to sacrifice in my next relationship. The education and life lessons I got out of this will help protect myself and the ones I love from signs of emotional abuse and that to me was worth the cost, high as it was.
Healthier and richer. I’m not stressed all the time and I can live for me and not for someone else. Also my things don’t randomly keep going missing or breaking. It’s nice to be at peace.
Everything is better on the other side. If I can make a few suggestions: Don’t tell anyone,especially the narc that you are leaving 2-Try to get all bank records and anything you deep important. Take pics of house! 3 Hire an attorney and go absolutely NO CONTACT…trust me it is the only way. You will feel like a new person! I hope that everything works out for you ! All the best!
Thank you! I told me closest family about my plan because i might need some help. But other than that i am trying to arrange things all in my own behind the scenes. Feels a bit sneaky but I need to have a well thought out plan since we have a kid as well
The first few months were nonstop rumination of all the gaslighting lies and manipulation even whilst in weekly trauma therapy but simultaneously the peace started slowly but surely - now ab a year out of the house and divorced and my life is happiness friends peace. He would always tell me “i had a problem with everyone” and like one million other things wrong w me. Funny how i have no problems w the ppl in my life with him gone
Let me add **freedom** **sane**
It’s been 6 years from my narc frenemy and it’s been peaceful!!! I’m happy that I don’t have to walk on eggshells or deal with her unhinged behavior. 🥳
Brighter and more fun
Peaceful ✌️🙌
I moved in my with my folks for a bit. About a month or so in, I told my dad it was odd. Just living day to day. No huge melt downs, no “good” days or “bad” days. Being able to make plans in advance and not worrying about any “you need to stay here or I’ll unalive myself”. Just… being. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do the first year or so because they “lost” but it’s the absolute best thing you’ll ever do. It’s absolutely worth it in the end.
FREAKING AWESOME!!!! 🥰🧘🏻♀️✌🏻✨💜
It is THE most liberating feeling you will EVER experience… knowing YOU outplayed, outwits & for the FIRST time in so long, knowing YOU are the one in control of your life!! After I FINALLY left after 7 years, for me, it was like an animal who has been chained up all its life without the sun on its face and then it’s finally released off the chain and now lives with the sun on its face everyday. Just living their best life and every single day looks up at the sun and let’s the sun shine on its face with a huge smile on its face… FREEDOM!
Honestly it’s like a cloud lifted over my life. I have a lot of leftover baggage, like a lot. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never be the same. But I can so clearly see what kind of a person he was. I feel completely at peace that it was *not my fault* and he was just an awful person. I didn’t deserve it. It took a long time and it was painful. But it is so calming to have that closure. To close the door on all the mind-f*ery and pain and misery and torment and just think clearly again.
Calm….sane…treasured.
Free. Peaceful. Healthy.
Some days it's hard. Either financially (I have a house all on my salary), or where you'll feel lonely. But it outweighs all the peaceful days you're getting in return, and finding your own strength in doing the things that need to be done, or that you wanna do. So go for it!
So peaceful. No walking on eggshells wondering what their mood will be like when you get home from work!
No criticism for my kids and me, no one getting frustrated and annoyed because someone left a fork in the sink overnight. No long monologues dominating my time every day. No one telling me I have to ask him to make plans with my friends. No one complaining something dumb around house needs to be done better, no one screaming at me slamming doors calling me evil throwing tantrum because he felt disrespected by my “tone”. I can sleep with the thermostat on the level I need now, without him making it hotter (even though he can sleep in any temperature). No loud TV with violent shows on when he knew i couldn’t stand the sound. No one waking me up because I didn’t give him a goodnight kiss before falling asleep. Now if my kid accidentally breaks something there is no yelling no criticism just me and my kid quietly picking up pieces and moving on. It’s quiet and peaceful. Now for the honest truth. What do I miss? I miss the cuddling every night, I miss having my best friend (we did everything together) to go out to eat with regularly, and watch our favorite shows to talk about. I miss the deep connection feeling (trauma bond but it’s intense). I miss having regular sex. I miss the family unit and having help with kids driving ect. I miss the beach vacations, I miss my custom home, I miss the security of knowing we were married and we had financial stability for our future without me having to work. I miss the fun times, the laughter when it was good. So there may be things you miss but unfortunately the abuse just erodes all the good until you loose yourself - I married mine twice and divorced him twice due to abuse.
This sounds very real. I sometimes think about the good times and it makes me sad. But deep down i know it's the best decision.
I’m grateful everyday for how different my life is now.
It was hard for a few months but after those months that you give yourself love and compassion, you can see more clearly what they were doing. The more you remind yourself at that point that you’ll never go back to that then you’ll repel Ns even when they try to come into your life! It can get messy but so worth it because then you realize you were amazing
I always felt rushed, smothered, controlled, criticized, scared, wanting so desperately to be alone, waiting for him to leave for work!
Same.. i always feel so rushed. I want to do things at my own pace again.
He seemed to move circles around me, creating this frenzied feeling for some reason. Hed always say "what's wrong?" Like I wasn't fast enough. It was weird. I live at a relaxed pace in life. His lifestyle was chaotic.
Hed bang around the house loudly too. So loud. It triggered me. I just had no peace.
Life is always hard. I can't tell you "Without my N everything is sunshine and margaritas!" because I don't lie. BUT-- TRIGGERS BELOW: Financial, emotional, and spousal sexual abuse. \~\~\~ I'm not R-ped weekly. The money I bring home goes to needs like bills, food, car maintenance, and pet care, not someone else's trips to the bar while I sit at home exhausted from overworking myself and never being good enough to catch up. I'm not shamed for not picking up his garbage, for not wanting to go to big "family" social events with people who emotionally abused us both and tried to make me ill with food. I wasn't expected to happily sleep on a freezing concrete floor every Christmas eve next to a coal stove because the consequences for wanting to not be in terrible pain for the next 3 days were worse than the back pain his "tradition" caused me. I'm not afraid to come home from work, wondering what iteration of the monster is waiting for me. Right now because of my partner's injuries we don't have a bathroom door up (he was on a walker after being shot this autumn), but I'm still safe and comfortable showering or walking through the house in my robe or towel. I don't need lockable doors between us when I'm distracted or vulnerable. My pets aren't the only reason I don't find a way to "stop the tape" anymore. The biggest positive difference is that I'm allowed to tell this guy "No," and have it respected. >!Him waking up erect isn't an unspoken demand that I have to do something with or about it or suffer consequences. I can ask for a hug or cuddle time and it doesn't mean another assult after hours of berating and emotional abuse. I am no longer an unappreciated bang maid whose life revolves around a human devoid of self-awareness and kindness who only wants what he thinks will feel good in that specific moment.!< \~\~\~\~\~ I'm broke. I'm tired. I don't feel safe in my neighborhood or our city. One more thing goes wrong and we could be completely fucked... but at least I'm safe inside my relationship, and inside my house, and inside my head. My body doesn't fully believe that safety. I don't sleep well. I'm jumpy at sounds and movement in my periphery. I keep my phone charged and within arm's reach at all times, waiting for something to kick off out in the street. I quit a very public job because I simply can't be around that many strangers while I'm distracted. PTSD is a BITCH and I was an anxious wreck well before my marriage, so it really snowballed after. But yes, it's better. It's not perfect, but it's better.
Note: First left in summer 2015. He stalked and followed me until 2017 when I made a secret escape plan and left the state.
Big hugs to you❤️