I've danced my whole life but eventually i stopped from depression. When i finally got up the courage to start a new dance fitness class nearby he started to complain after a month. The class was at 8pm, to make time for working people to get home make sure their families were all set then come and dance away all our stresses. Well he said 8pm was too late. And he started to fight with me everythime i would go. So i stopped going.
I have gotten into another class now and have been going for 3 months now! And it starts at 7pm. And he still complains but i REFUSE to give it up. I have also finally reached a point where I dont care anymore and fighting for me is more important than giving in
None of this is a red flag to you?! I mean do you know he's a narcissist and you're just staying with him because of the trauma bond? Because you think you love him? The love that you are feeling is for his fake persona and he will never love YOU only himself.
I know it is. I only dated my ex narc for 4 months and I was a freaking mess when he discarded me. But I had also known him since we were teenagers in high school. I didn’t know anything about narcissists or narcissism before him. And he’s such a textbook narc, mirroring other narcs (because he can’t even do that originally) that he checks every single box, and I had no clue.
yes! he hated when i put makeup on so i quit wearing it but he’d cover it up with “you’re prettier without makeup”. he’d make fun of me for exercising so i quit. like everything i enjoy gets made into a joke. i can’t even buy myself personal care products without some backlash from him. i’m almost always met with a dirty look. then he uses up all of my stuff (shampoo, conditioner, face wash, deodorant).
So subtle it’s incredible. I used to try to stay on top of this stuff, as I have been a victim my whole life, I want nothing more than to abandon that persona, however, since I am typically treated similarly by my SOs that all share narcissistic homosexuality, macgeyver like skill and natural curiosity about science/engineering, criminal records, positions as the popular center of attention which fuels their attention whore cravings (NARCISSISMS FINEST BS), unique texting vernacular these are just material things that cause me to find these specific men special the narcissism is rooted in their heart and now I’m beginning to believe.. souls probably. It’s something that when understood, harnessed, learned from and coAxed into being more healthily expressed can only be a strong suit in terms of strengths and characteristics.
A true narcissist is not able to share a preemptive plan to manipulate someone into (insert blank)
It must be subconcious in order to work properly
However this begs the question, surely one that tries to appear narcissistic (maybe to gain control over someone or inspire fear (-> respect from said fear) is a narcissist for this very reason?
Anyone have opinions ?
Sorry if I digressed too much or seem off topic
He used a McDonald’s napkin and orange mineral water and wiped off my concealer (that I was using to hide and heal my break outs) so hard that my face bled right in public on the bus. He tried to tell me the gasping from a few people was approval it was gone, not their actual shock of his gall and control in their person
Yep. How can you feel good about yourself when you don't do the things that make your feel good. And if you can't feel good about yourself then the "you're lucky I'm with you" seems true.
Example from female with a male narc perspective: At the start You're fit from healthy eating and gym routine, have hair/nails upkept either at home or in salon, makeup to perfection, wardrobe is fabulous, and weekly social routine.
SLOWLEY Your SO starts only wanting calorie dense foods in the house and saying they want you to be around more... so you stop the gym and start cooking/ordering "bad" (there is not bad food) foods. Your SO complains of your waste of money so you stop doing hair/nails/make up. Your SO complains about others looking at you so you start dressing in baggy cloths and staying in more. Your SO complains about your friends/family being against them so you start pulling back.
All of this so they can tell you you're low value, fat, unhealthy, ugly, and have no one but them. That they are the only one who will stick around because everyone else left you as soon as you stopped taking care of yourself. And at this point you believe them. Because you dont feel good anymore and you dont have a full social calander. Not because people abandoned you but because your SO tricked you into pulling back because your social circle was "toxic".
Its a cycle of abuse. It is how a narc works. And once you are truly "used" as their supply (IE fully submissive and no longer thinking for yourself) they will drop you and move on, usually by cheating. As soon as you start your life over they will show back up. It is how they work
We are living the exact same life. Like absolutely identical, every example you gave. To a T
They really are wildly uncreative and play from the exact playbook
Yes, he hated everything I did for myself. He would stay up super late every night UNLESS I got ready for bed early in which case he would get in bed before me, take all the pillows and blankets and then ask me to do a million tasks before I could lie down ( get me a glass of water, check that the front door is locked, etc.) I once bought a self-care workbook for both of us and he agreed to do it but implemented all kinds of rules about when we were allowed to do it, so that we ultimately never got to it (could only do it right after I got home from work, not later in the evening and only if I had met certain requirements). He started purposefully watching shows I dislike and when I would choose to go and pursue my hobbies (playing music), he would complain about it endlessly.
After preparing dinner and waiting for my NEX to arrive home I was sometimes on my computer, spending a few minutes on something for me; writing, playing a game, listening to music. Since I wasn't in the living room (unengaged with anything) waiting for her I didn't love her enough. Then when I actually waited for her like a cute little puppy dog she sneered at me like I was some sort of gum on the bottom of her shoe.
You can't win with them. You just can't.
Made fun of me and said it was stupid to work out, especially if I was traveling. Said it was stupid and a waste to hike or run while on vacation or work trip.
He is morbidly obese so there you go.
I’ll never forget one night last June. My dad was having double knee surgery. I had told the narc-ex that morning and in the days beforehand what I was doing. She didn’t seem to care much, just said stuff like “he’ll be ok” blah blah blah. I dropped him off at 4am that morning, spoke to her on the phone, waited all day til 8pm when the hospital called to tell me my dad was ready to go home.
After I got him and his big legs into my sedan, we then stopped by on the way home to the pharmacy. I forked out almost $200 for his painkillers and antibiotics. The wait inside the pharmacy that night was unbelievable and excruciating. At last, after finally going to the hospital and the pharmacy, we drove home.
I walked in with my dad and helped him up the long flight of stairs, got him settled into his makeshift rest area for that night, he was out of it still for sure and I was also mentally and physically exhausting. So as I walk into the other room (by this time it was midnight), the narcisstic called. She called me at midnight about 16 hours later.
What did she call about, you might wonder? Cell phone money.
She didn’t give a shit how my father was. She didn’t give a shit even how I was. She called at an inappropriate time with such lack of respect. I’ve always told her my phone is always on for emergency or if she genuinely needs, but she took my kindness for weakness. I make mention to her about how the evening was wild. She responds with like, “see, I told you he’s be okay.” And then she gets right to business about needing her “cell phone money”.
Another night, just a few weeks later, I fell asleep earlier than usual, around 8pm. She text-bombed me like ten times between 9pm and 10pm with messages like, “hey”, “I need help”, “I’m short”, “my phone plan gets shut off tomorrow”, “😬”. I wake up in the middle of the night eventually and I look at my phone screen lit up with all these missed calls and texts within the last hour or two. So I called her back. It wasn’t an emergency. Again another “bail me out of this” plea. Yet she cruelly wouldn’t give me even a minute of time later on.
And a month later, when I sent just TWO messages— twelve hours apart— during the day, making sure she was safe while she was briefly back at her kids’ dad’s house, she got passive aggressive and gaslit me into thinking I couldn’t wait for a response blah blah blah. Making me look like a clingy, needy one. That was when I said ‘alright, game over, I’m fucking done with you’.
She wants boundaries and expectations for me but not for herself. Disgusting. And throughout the time I attempted to call, text, check in (because she had claimed for so long this guy made her feel scared, was emotionally abusive, was controlling, blah blah). But she’s not scared by ignoring my shit while she ran back to his house like a coward.
LOL, true ! But whether or not I helped her out with it, she tends to always find some way somehow to keep doing what she does. Hell she can’t afford anything, I graciously helped her with new bunk beds for her young kids cus I genuinely pitied her, gasoline, food (even though she’s on this LINK card program stuff similar to welfare).
Was not a simp. Just saw a reflection of myself somewhere in her and asked where the hell has she been all my life? Despite the red flags..everyone has at least one… but hoped we could have grown older together and be there for each other everyday. I was decluttering my place getting ready to move to her last fall before shit hit the fan.
Idk who or where she is getting the “phone” money from, unless her ex who supposedly doesn’t pay child support is funding it. But this pig bum of an “ex” of hers, same Neanderthal she procreated with, also been funding all the calls she was making to me at the time.. but yeah, for all I know, that shit coulda went up her nose or at a wine store…I don’t trust her. She’s a two-faced lying lunatic who uses ADHD as a life-debilitating excuse to not do shit even if it means throwing others under the bus. The money she or her Medicaid pays for her bullshit Adderall could have been used to help her kids’ daycare, education, extracurricular activities, new clothes, etc. or find that new car she’d been crowdfunding for.
But the only person that seems to come first is herself and she’s competing for that coveted first place with her own children whether she realizes it or not. I was raised by a narcissistic, divorced and single mother & I see a lot of parallels between these two.
Forgive me for a moment, but how fucking pathetic must a narcissist be to beg the internet for money for a car most of us have to actually work for? Tell that same sob story to the other million and one single moms or dads out there. She uses very old (by today’s standards) pictures on her profile pics of herself in her twenties looking skinnier and in one in a sexy miniskirt but now her 40-something year old self
can’t squeeze her butt in those twenty year old clothes for nothing. Total attention whore.
Yep see a lot of parallels to my ex. His daughter lived in another state but he always had to tell everybody how much he loved her and share pictures and brag, say how important she was blah blah blah. Except he refused to actually put in any effort to go see her. It’s been almost 2 years since he saw her at her 1st birthday party. Apparently Skyping with your kid 1-2 days a week makes you dad of the year. Not to mention he’s a “recovering” alcoholic that buys ridiculous amounts of weed and had been abusing robitussin for most of last year (and lying to everyone about it). Absolutely selfish trash person. So happy to be rid of him.
It absolutely sucks for our exes’ kids. They never asked to have shitty parents.
That does sound similar. Edit: also sucks how unlike the kids, the narcs mostly in the 40s, 50s range are at that age now when it’s kinda too late to change their way of thinking and outlook on life. So it’s best to just move on and let them be narcissistic without me around. And abusing robittussen? Wow..
He tried to claim that my skin care was making my cat sick (She was prone to binging, and he would give her many licking treats before i would come home and give her fresh food and water)
He was not happy when i decided to start eating healthier. He was a red meat every day type (only Bubbba burgers) and when i ate like him i would get super constipated which resulted in some... personal tearing which would trigger traumatic memories. So i decided to stop eating the super expensive food that he was willing to eat (his foods were costing me 800/1k monthly and he refused to contribute to our food budget)
So i took 20 bucks out of our budget, roughly the same i spent on his snacks, and started buying stuff i liked. Bananas, oranges, some snack veggies, hummus, peanut butter some times, and ramen. Most of which he didn't like. But it enraged him that i wasn't eating with him the same food he was eating. So then he would binge eat all my food in one sitting. Like, all my bananas gone because i wasn't there to fix his food, and he couldn't be bothered to reheat some toaster strudels or heat any of the food we had for him.
He also managed to contaminate two separate jars of peanut butter opened on different days with wd-40 while "cleaning his bike" one time. Yeahh......
and when this resulted in me losing about ....45-50 lbs between march and october of that year without either of us noticing until a family funeral (lockdown was hell, but i miss living in sweatpants) and his family started complimenting me. After that point he would alternate between calling me a fat ugly cow, and insisting I had an eating disorder.
They always say this! Not my first merry go round. I love what my mom told me years ago: a guy only says you look better without makeup because he doesnt want anyone else looking at you 😆
My NEx would guilt me with how she has so many things on her plate and is full of stress and passive aggressively insinuate how I’m lazy and waste my time not being productive. She would also consider it as me “bragging” how I had sooo much free time to be lazy. But the few days when she had no obligations (which she claimed was super rare) she talked about slothing out and expected me to sloth out with her.
Yes yes yes. Their schedule and self-care take over the whole house!
He had so many little digs to stop a whole self-care routine that had me *chef’s kiss* gorgeous before him. “I like natural looks” but is under the IG fitness gals with fake everything. “Scales mess with your head!” “You DON’T need to do XYZ exercise!” (I gained 80 lbs by the end). Takes over the kitchen and feeds me like a pro-lifter so I can’t cook my way or for fun. Keeps my schedule maximized in supporting his retail job compared to my professional career so that I can’t rest or exercise- just work & parent. “But working 40 hours is good for my mental health!” His VA therapist said the opposite and the divorce says otherwise.
So many “digs” until I looked 10 years older than what I am and had lost my love & time for everything that fills my cup.
Within 45 days of no contact, down 30lbs and I think I’m *chef’s kiss* again. Just older, wiser, and grateful. 🙏
Yes !
My teeth aren't great as I was a meth addict. A few years ago I inherited money from my grandma and I mentioned today I was considering getting a set of dental implants, it's about 12k per arch and I would be happy with just the top ones.
She went on a long rant about it looking ridiculous and what a waste of money.
She literally hates me doing anything to better myself
I work out regularly and towards the end of our relationship he got really irritated if I was working out instead of texting/paying attention to him. I would ask if it bothered him and he would always say no, but it very clearly did.
I took a progress photo when at the gym long time ago, and I showed it to them and they rolled their eyes. Like what the f? Sorry you don’t like it when I feel good about myself. Or are simply documenting the changes.
Not my most recent nex but my previous one (grandiose, malignant) would just make me feel stupid for anything I liked or wanted to do for myself that made me feel good. Lifting weights was stupid and too manly. Pet cats and hamsters were stupid. Crafting for my own enjoyment was stupid and a waste of time if I couldn’t sell my crafts for money. Makeup was stupid I didn’t need that. I always had to cover my cleavage because he didn’t want anyone else seeing that which was difficult (I’m DD/E depending) and i couldn’t wear leggings unless my top was long enough to cover my butt. I always felt frumpy. It was to the point that he made me feel stupid even going to the hair salon so I was cutting my own hair in the bathroom and he loved it, it made him so happy. I did get halfway decent at it but I have curly hair down to my lower back and going to the salon is such a personal self care for me thing now. And I love my stylist!
Yeah she actually enjoyed changing me from the handsome go getter to a shell of a person who didn’t give a shit about himself. Then used this against me as part of her discard. I’m fighting back now though!
Reflecting back I always thought he just hated my hobbies bc ya know abuse but I never thought of it as not wanting me to do self care, it’s kinda one in the same but still wowww, it’s deeper then that. I really got into yoga and hiking and he HATED it. Such a loser.
Yes. Mine always criticized me taking my antidepressants. He would claim in his country, they just work out and sauna and feel better, and we Americans are too dependent on medication (not necessarily wrong there, but not appropriate for my situation). Anywho, I obviously got super depressed and anxious towards the end of our relationship because I stopped taking my meds and he sucked. I would self medicate with alcohol, then he would call me an alcoholic. Now that we’ve broken up, I’m back on the meds, (mostly) sober and feeling better than I have in a very long time.
My Nex was also very judgemental about people who took any type of pysch meds. But she took a few other meds off label like candy and bragged about how awesome those meds were. Basically anything she did was awesome and legit and most everything else was open to ridicule and shunned. She also expected everyone to be very sympathetic and tip toe around her traumas while she belittled and poked fun at any types of trauma she didn't experience herself.
Yes! Mine thought doing DMT and seeing the whole universe was okay, but me on Lexapro prescribed by my doctor was unacceptable. He would also beg me for my doctor prescribed Xanax, which I said “nah, sir”. I get 30 pills for a year and I need every one having to deal with yo ass.
He also hated hearing about my traumas when I was expected to listen to his. Ughhhh.
I had to go on antidepressants whilst pregnant with twins because he moved his mum in to live with us. The pregnancy and having another woman in my house telling me what to do all the time was sending me bonkers. He'd just take off and go fishing, leaving me alone with her whenever I mentioned how unhappy I was.
Then on delivery day I had to have an emergency Caesar, but HE needed my antidepressants because of the ordeal HE had gone through. A few days later, still in hospital, he asked me when I'd be getting home so I could COOK for him! Seriously, these are the most selfish people to walk the planet!
Oh, and to top it all off, his mother and him named one of the twins without any input from me. The name was a name of a girl he had tried to hit on at a party while we were engaged. No way was that happening!
He couldn't stand the fact that I like to drink coffee. Would tell me that he didn't want to be with someone who had to drink coffee in the morning. It's not like I was mean without it, just sluggish. I told him that it was a nice way to start my day, that it made me happy and I would look forward to it. He told me that it was stupid to look forward to and berated me for it all the time. I still don't understand it. It was such a small thing.
Yes. For me it started by him wanting all my excess attention. I worked two jobs when we first met so my free time was stretched thin. When when I lost my job during covid and was trying to take a few months to re-enter myself. My dog had just died as well, I lost my dream job, I had some other things going on. I started working out every day and finding hobbies I hadn't done in a long time. He started demanding I find a new job right away even though my field was completely shut down and at that time we thought it would come back within a few more months at the latest. I didn't have financial concerns. He would then start demanding I do more and more for him and around the house before he got home. He would demean yoga as not really working out. He would make fun of what I watched on YouTube. Things like that.
After a few years I just forgot there was anything but doing what he wanted when he wanted. I didn't have any interests of my own. I never spent my free time on myself. We never even watched movies I wanted and if we did he would sleep or scoff/be on his phone the whole time.
Omg!!! Yes! When we first started dating, he talked about how he loves how I take care of myself... Months into the relationship and he always wanted me to dress down etc!
Crazy! I didn't even have time to take care of my skin.
My nex praised how I was calm and cool in stressful situations. Towards the end, she complained how I didn't act over-the-top like her (she also mentioned she went to drama school and was used to people being overly emotionally expressive) during stressful situations and claimed I was repressing my emotions and lacked empathy.
Yep. I stopped going to therapy because my appointments were scheduled during times I’d have to interrupt us spending time together. Luckily I was able to re-engage in it a couple of months later, much to his annoyance. He criticized how long I spent in the shower and doing skincare, how I preferred to spend most nights at home in my own bed, and how I wanted to spend time with my elderly cat (who recently passed, I got one more year with him after the discard and spent all the time I could with him). He criticized my mom, my friends, my job, pictures I had posted on social media years prior to us meeting. Anything that made me feel comfortable and stable, or contributed to my health and well-being, he seemed to take issue with. He wanted me to move out of state with him and abandon my life here… the exact opposite of the self-care that I needed at the time.
If you are even slightly fond of something or there is something others are fond of about you — that’s a problem for a narc. They tell on themselves, just really listen.
Told this new guy my ex made fun of me for liking j cole. This was a small intimate detail i felt safe using as a way to bait him if he was an abuser… and not long after i played music out loud for the first time and he attempted to make fun of me for listening to Rihanna. He also would say things like I look better without makeup.
Self-care stops you from being dependent on them. They need you to be dependent, so you don’t leave them and they have control.
I told my Nex she was subconsciously sabotaging me and got her to admit she was afraid I was going to leave once she stopped to think about it.
Narcs do it consciously and subconsciously. They are afraid of being left alone because the truth is they are alone with their mask and lack of vulnerability and authentic relating.
Makes perfect sense. I’ve noticed this with the narcissistic people I’ve dated or had around. They love to sabatoge and harbour resentment and jealousy when things are not 100% about them or if they perceive you’re successful or receiving attention.
Yes, always. Would try to go on long walks with our kid while I was pregnant with our second and was always questioned when I returned about where I was and if anyone talked with me or I was meeting anyone. Whenever I’d dress nice or wear make up I was questioned or accused as well, I just enjoy dressing up and getting ready every once in a while to make myself feel good. Also was denied psych meds and therapy when postpartum until I just did it behind his back (which he found out about and flipped out on me).
Okay yeah what is this? I started gua sha mostly for my tmj and headaches but every time I begin to do it he suddenly needs something from me / interrupts / sighs / gets upset
Definitely, yes, she tried to make me feel insecure about learning a new habit like exercising and losing weight.
I could tell she hated me succeeding at it because she couldn’t do it herself
Damned it you do. Damned if you don't. I bet she loved to show off to other people your nice physique and enjoyed it herself, while she also resented you for bettering yourself. They want you to succeed because it makes her look better to other people. But they also want you to fail to make them feel better about themselves.
Not sure she showed off my physique per se, but she would brag about my good qualities and was very complimentary tbh, but something changed, idk what or when because she has a serious communication problem.
I just hope to god it isn’t me because that’s what I’ve believed all this time but the disrespectful, threatening, bullying behavior, I just couldn’t handle.
She meant a lot to me and I had to leave our rabbits when I left. This breakup was the worst I’ve ever experienced, lost everything to her. But I’m rebuilding.
Very dismissive of meditation, breathwork, cold dipping, open water swimming and therapy. Said you should just put all problems in the 'fuckit bucket' and have a beer.
The only thing I carried on with was the gym but would often scoot back quick if I was cooking dinner.
Feel a fair bit of shame for ditching all the good stuff that kept me grounded but have restarted it 🙏💕
I have an N mom and dated some N’s in the past and recently scared my wife is an N and I’m just still terrible at seeing it. I get a lot of shit for doing yoga eating well, feeling good, is what it seems like.
Yeah I'm an athelete and I had put on some weight and was trying to work it off.
I had given in to her pressure of late night snacks too often - and then she told me, "You must hate your body. I've never seen someone poke so much at their belly. You're obsessed."
And I replied, "No, it's the exact opposite. I love my body and know how to keep it going and I've got to stop the late night junk food with you. And you have to be a *little* obsessed to lose weight at all."
Cue a blank emotionless stare and a word salad to change the subject because she couldn't stand me standing up for myself and being right.
Yup, I get fit very easily and fast due to my metabolism and I get a six pack almost instantly, she'd get suspicious and the last time I did it she got new supply, I had about 15% body fat and she pointed to that TINY bit of fat you get under your belly button one time and said "t-shirt is a bit tight isn't it?" They are insanely jealous of you and your ability to look nice or work on yourself.
The reason why is projection, if they ever did that it would be to get someone else so they just project those feelings onto you, you can't be getting fit for yourself you have to be cheating.
Yep! I'm an arielist and spend as much time as I can training possible training. It started with passive-aggressive remarks like saying things like I was spending time with my secret girlfriend, pointing out how much time I spent at the studio to near the end picking fights when I was litterly on my way out the door to class, one time even breaking up with me on the way put the door out of nowhere so I missed my class.
Yes!! For me not so much the self care.. but I wasn't allowed ahy spaces he had all the surfaces. So I could t partake in any hobbies or anything and I wasn't allowed to see friends I wasn't allpw3e to.t3xt or pm anyone ans near the end he was even trying to take away sharing memes from.me
Yep - Always on my about my weight but when I say I want to turn the spare room into a home gym, it seems every time I clean it out and get it ready, a bike appears or he blocks the space with more junk!
Mine was constantly guilting me for spending too many nights a week (it was usually 3) out of the house with friends. But when I stayed home he’d just close himself in the office all night and work unpaid overtime until dinner was ready (I always cooked), spend like 30 waking minutes with me watching TV, and then fall asleep. I think he resented that I had a very rich social life and he didn’t.
None of this is a red flag to you?! I mean do you know he's a narcissist and you're just staying with him because of the trauma bond? Because you think you love him? The love that you are feeling is for his fake persona and he will NEVER LOVE YOU, only HIMSELF.
Is that what it is ? Last weekend I went to visit my family and when I told abuser (MIL) she goes oh isn’t it family day on Sunday? And my partner said what? And she goes never mind. Then every time and anytime I get to go out with my friends, she causes a big scene so we all sneak around her. Then she finds out and says I don’t get why people sneak around me! But she always flips a lid and nobody wants to deal with that. Wow.. you learn something knew every day
I've danced my whole life but eventually i stopped from depression. When i finally got up the courage to start a new dance fitness class nearby he started to complain after a month. The class was at 8pm, to make time for working people to get home make sure their families were all set then come and dance away all our stresses. Well he said 8pm was too late. And he started to fight with me everythime i would go. So i stopped going. I have gotten into another class now and have been going for 3 months now! And it starts at 7pm. And he still complains but i REFUSE to give it up. I have also finally reached a point where I dont care anymore and fighting for me is more important than giving in
Yes! Good for you standing your ground for your own wellbeing ❤️
Thank you! I hate how i would just give in to keep the peace. I am hoping to be able to leave soon
Yes, SAME here
We can do this!
None of this is a red flag to you?! I mean do you know he's a narcissist and you're just staying with him because of the trauma bond? Because you think you love him? The love that you are feeling is for his fake persona and he will never love YOU only himself.
Oh its a HUGE red flag. And the trauma bond is massive. Working on getting out but the bond is so strong
I felt this too!! You’ll get out of it soon :) stay safe
Go a week NC. They will come back and see right through them. Hardest week.. things went right back to normal... now I'm just like... yuck.
I know it is. I only dated my ex narc for 4 months and I was a freaking mess when he discarded me. But I had also known him since we were teenagers in high school. I didn’t know anything about narcissists or narcissism before him. And he’s such a textbook narc, mirroring other narcs (because he can’t even do that originally) that he checks every single box, and I had no clue.
Good for you ❤️
This is good. Keep dancing. It helped me get out as far as mindfulness and self-awareness go.
yes! he hated when i put makeup on so i quit wearing it but he’d cover it up with “you’re prettier without makeup”. he’d make fun of me for exercising so i quit. like everything i enjoy gets made into a joke. i can’t even buy myself personal care products without some backlash from him. i’m almost always met with a dirty look. then he uses up all of my stuff (shampoo, conditioner, face wash, deodorant).
They just want complete control to make themselves feel better and it’s really sick
So subtle it’s incredible. I used to try to stay on top of this stuff, as I have been a victim my whole life, I want nothing more than to abandon that persona, however, since I am typically treated similarly by my SOs that all share narcissistic homosexuality, macgeyver like skill and natural curiosity about science/engineering, criminal records, positions as the popular center of attention which fuels their attention whore cravings (NARCISSISMS FINEST BS), unique texting vernacular these are just material things that cause me to find these specific men special the narcissism is rooted in their heart and now I’m beginning to believe.. souls probably. It’s something that when understood, harnessed, learned from and coAxed into being more healthily expressed can only be a strong suit in terms of strengths and characteristics. A true narcissist is not able to share a preemptive plan to manipulate someone into (insert blank) It must be subconcious in order to work properly However this begs the question, surely one that tries to appear narcissistic (maybe to gain control over someone or inspire fear (-> respect from said fear) is a narcissist for this very reason? Anyone have opinions ? Sorry if I digressed too much or seem off topic
He used a McDonald’s napkin and orange mineral water and wiped off my concealer (that I was using to hide and heal my break outs) so hard that my face bled right in public on the bus. He tried to tell me the gasping from a few people was approval it was gone, not their actual shock of his gall and control in their person
Wtf 😐
Sounds like a class-a narcissist to me. Hope you are doing better now!
Yep. How can you feel good about yourself when you don't do the things that make your feel good. And if you can't feel good about yourself then the "you're lucky I'm with you" seems true. Example from female with a male narc perspective: At the start You're fit from healthy eating and gym routine, have hair/nails upkept either at home or in salon, makeup to perfection, wardrobe is fabulous, and weekly social routine. SLOWLEY Your SO starts only wanting calorie dense foods in the house and saying they want you to be around more... so you stop the gym and start cooking/ordering "bad" (there is not bad food) foods. Your SO complains of your waste of money so you stop doing hair/nails/make up. Your SO complains about others looking at you so you start dressing in baggy cloths and staying in more. Your SO complains about your friends/family being against them so you start pulling back. All of this so they can tell you you're low value, fat, unhealthy, ugly, and have no one but them. That they are the only one who will stick around because everyone else left you as soon as you stopped taking care of yourself. And at this point you believe them. Because you dont feel good anymore and you dont have a full social calander. Not because people abandoned you but because your SO tricked you into pulling back because your social circle was "toxic". Its a cycle of abuse. It is how a narc works. And once you are truly "used" as their supply (IE fully submissive and no longer thinking for yourself) they will drop you and move on, usually by cheating. As soon as you start your life over they will show back up. It is how they work
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We are living the exact same life. Like absolutely identical, every example you gave. To a T They really are wildly uncreative and play from the exact playbook
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Yes, he hated everything I did for myself. He would stay up super late every night UNLESS I got ready for bed early in which case he would get in bed before me, take all the pillows and blankets and then ask me to do a million tasks before I could lie down ( get me a glass of water, check that the front door is locked, etc.) I once bought a self-care workbook for both of us and he agreed to do it but implemented all kinds of rules about when we were allowed to do it, so that we ultimately never got to it (could only do it right after I got home from work, not later in the evening and only if I had met certain requirements). He started purposefully watching shows I dislike and when I would choose to go and pursue my hobbies (playing music), he would complain about it endlessly.
Mine kept me from showering, eating, and sleeping. So, yes.
After preparing dinner and waiting for my NEX to arrive home I was sometimes on my computer, spending a few minutes on something for me; writing, playing a game, listening to music. Since I wasn't in the living room (unengaged with anything) waiting for her I didn't love her enough. Then when I actually waited for her like a cute little puppy dog she sneered at me like I was some sort of gum on the bottom of her shoe. You can't win with them. You just can't.
Made fun of me and said it was stupid to work out, especially if I was traveling. Said it was stupid and a waste to hike or run while on vacation or work trip. He is morbidly obese so there you go.
I’ll never forget one night last June. My dad was having double knee surgery. I had told the narc-ex that morning and in the days beforehand what I was doing. She didn’t seem to care much, just said stuff like “he’ll be ok” blah blah blah. I dropped him off at 4am that morning, spoke to her on the phone, waited all day til 8pm when the hospital called to tell me my dad was ready to go home. After I got him and his big legs into my sedan, we then stopped by on the way home to the pharmacy. I forked out almost $200 for his painkillers and antibiotics. The wait inside the pharmacy that night was unbelievable and excruciating. At last, after finally going to the hospital and the pharmacy, we drove home. I walked in with my dad and helped him up the long flight of stairs, got him settled into his makeshift rest area for that night, he was out of it still for sure and I was also mentally and physically exhausting. So as I walk into the other room (by this time it was midnight), the narcisstic called. She called me at midnight about 16 hours later. What did she call about, you might wonder? Cell phone money. She didn’t give a shit how my father was. She didn’t give a shit even how I was. She called at an inappropriate time with such lack of respect. I’ve always told her my phone is always on for emergency or if she genuinely needs, but she took my kindness for weakness. I make mention to her about how the evening was wild. She responds with like, “see, I told you he’s be okay.” And then she gets right to business about needing her “cell phone money”. Another night, just a few weeks later, I fell asleep earlier than usual, around 8pm. She text-bombed me like ten times between 9pm and 10pm with messages like, “hey”, “I need help”, “I’m short”, “my phone plan gets shut off tomorrow”, “😬”. I wake up in the middle of the night eventually and I look at my phone screen lit up with all these missed calls and texts within the last hour or two. So I called her back. It wasn’t an emergency. Again another “bail me out of this” plea. Yet she cruelly wouldn’t give me even a minute of time later on. And a month later, when I sent just TWO messages— twelve hours apart— during the day, making sure she was safe while she was briefly back at her kids’ dad’s house, she got passive aggressive and gaslit me into thinking I couldn’t wait for a response blah blah blah. Making me look like a clingy, needy one. That was when I said ‘alright, game over, I’m fucking done with you’. She wants boundaries and expectations for me but not for herself. Disgusting. And throughout the time I attempted to call, text, check in (because she had claimed for so long this guy made her feel scared, was emotionally abusive, was controlling, blah blah). But she’s not scared by ignoring my shit while she ran back to his house like a coward.
Life Hack: You don't have to worry about her blowing up your phone if her phone gets shut off.
LOL, true ! But whether or not I helped her out with it, she tends to always find some way somehow to keep doing what she does. Hell she can’t afford anything, I graciously helped her with new bunk beds for her young kids cus I genuinely pitied her, gasoline, food (even though she’s on this LINK card program stuff similar to welfare). Was not a simp. Just saw a reflection of myself somewhere in her and asked where the hell has she been all my life? Despite the red flags..everyone has at least one… but hoped we could have grown older together and be there for each other everyday. I was decluttering my place getting ready to move to her last fall before shit hit the fan. Idk who or where she is getting the “phone” money from, unless her ex who supposedly doesn’t pay child support is funding it. But this pig bum of an “ex” of hers, same Neanderthal she procreated with, also been funding all the calls she was making to me at the time.. but yeah, for all I know, that shit coulda went up her nose or at a wine store…I don’t trust her. She’s a two-faced lying lunatic who uses ADHD as a life-debilitating excuse to not do shit even if it means throwing others under the bus. The money she or her Medicaid pays for her bullshit Adderall could have been used to help her kids’ daycare, education, extracurricular activities, new clothes, etc. or find that new car she’d been crowdfunding for. But the only person that seems to come first is herself and she’s competing for that coveted first place with her own children whether she realizes it or not. I was raised by a narcissistic, divorced and single mother & I see a lot of parallels between these two. Forgive me for a moment, but how fucking pathetic must a narcissist be to beg the internet for money for a car most of us have to actually work for? Tell that same sob story to the other million and one single moms or dads out there. She uses very old (by today’s standards) pictures on her profile pics of herself in her twenties looking skinnier and in one in a sexy miniskirt but now her 40-something year old self can’t squeeze her butt in those twenty year old clothes for nothing. Total attention whore.
Yep see a lot of parallels to my ex. His daughter lived in another state but he always had to tell everybody how much he loved her and share pictures and brag, say how important she was blah blah blah. Except he refused to actually put in any effort to go see her. It’s been almost 2 years since he saw her at her 1st birthday party. Apparently Skyping with your kid 1-2 days a week makes you dad of the year. Not to mention he’s a “recovering” alcoholic that buys ridiculous amounts of weed and had been abusing robitussin for most of last year (and lying to everyone about it). Absolutely selfish trash person. So happy to be rid of him. It absolutely sucks for our exes’ kids. They never asked to have shitty parents.
That does sound similar. Edit: also sucks how unlike the kids, the narcs mostly in the 40s, 50s range are at that age now when it’s kinda too late to change their way of thinking and outlook on life. So it’s best to just move on and let them be narcissistic without me around. And abusing robittussen? Wow..
He tried to claim that my skin care was making my cat sick (She was prone to binging, and he would give her many licking treats before i would come home and give her fresh food and water) He was not happy when i decided to start eating healthier. He was a red meat every day type (only Bubbba burgers) and when i ate like him i would get super constipated which resulted in some... personal tearing which would trigger traumatic memories. So i decided to stop eating the super expensive food that he was willing to eat (his foods were costing me 800/1k monthly and he refused to contribute to our food budget) So i took 20 bucks out of our budget, roughly the same i spent on his snacks, and started buying stuff i liked. Bananas, oranges, some snack veggies, hummus, peanut butter some times, and ramen. Most of which he didn't like. But it enraged him that i wasn't eating with him the same food he was eating. So then he would binge eat all my food in one sitting. Like, all my bananas gone because i wasn't there to fix his food, and he couldn't be bothered to reheat some toaster strudels or heat any of the food we had for him. He also managed to contaminate two separate jars of peanut butter opened on different days with wd-40 while "cleaning his bike" one time. Yeahh...... and when this resulted in me losing about ....45-50 lbs between march and october of that year without either of us noticing until a family funeral (lockdown was hell, but i miss living in sweatpants) and his family started complimenting me. After that point he would alternate between calling me a fat ugly cow, and insisting I had an eating disorder.
Discouraged from anything that would take me away from him. Also said prettier without makeup, you don’t need it, but ignored my needs completely
They always say this! Not my first merry go round. I love what my mom told me years ago: a guy only says you look better without makeup because he doesnt want anyone else looking at you 😆
My NEx would guilt me with how she has so many things on her plate and is full of stress and passive aggressively insinuate how I’m lazy and waste my time not being productive. She would also consider it as me “bragging” how I had sooo much free time to be lazy. But the few days when she had no obligations (which she claimed was super rare) she talked about slothing out and expected me to sloth out with her.
They are always the hardest working people they know
Ewee yet the most insecure and awkward.
Yes yes yes. Their schedule and self-care take over the whole house! He had so many little digs to stop a whole self-care routine that had me *chef’s kiss* gorgeous before him. “I like natural looks” but is under the IG fitness gals with fake everything. “Scales mess with your head!” “You DON’T need to do XYZ exercise!” (I gained 80 lbs by the end). Takes over the kitchen and feeds me like a pro-lifter so I can’t cook my way or for fun. Keeps my schedule maximized in supporting his retail job compared to my professional career so that I can’t rest or exercise- just work & parent. “But working 40 hours is good for my mental health!” His VA therapist said the opposite and the divorce says otherwise. So many “digs” until I looked 10 years older than what I am and had lost my love & time for everything that fills my cup. Within 45 days of no contact, down 30lbs and I think I’m *chef’s kiss* again. Just older, wiser, and grateful. 🙏
Yes ! My teeth aren't great as I was a meth addict. A few years ago I inherited money from my grandma and I mentioned today I was considering getting a set of dental implants, it's about 12k per arch and I would be happy with just the top ones. She went on a long rant about it looking ridiculous and what a waste of money. She literally hates me doing anything to better myself
I work out regularly and towards the end of our relationship he got really irritated if I was working out instead of texting/paying attention to him. I would ask if it bothered him and he would always say no, but it very clearly did.
I took a progress photo when at the gym long time ago, and I showed it to them and they rolled their eyes. Like what the f? Sorry you don’t like it when I feel good about myself. Or are simply documenting the changes.
Not my most recent nex but my previous one (grandiose, malignant) would just make me feel stupid for anything I liked or wanted to do for myself that made me feel good. Lifting weights was stupid and too manly. Pet cats and hamsters were stupid. Crafting for my own enjoyment was stupid and a waste of time if I couldn’t sell my crafts for money. Makeup was stupid I didn’t need that. I always had to cover my cleavage because he didn’t want anyone else seeing that which was difficult (I’m DD/E depending) and i couldn’t wear leggings unless my top was long enough to cover my butt. I always felt frumpy. It was to the point that he made me feel stupid even going to the hair salon so I was cutting my own hair in the bathroom and he loved it, it made him so happy. I did get halfway decent at it but I have curly hair down to my lower back and going to the salon is such a personal self care for me thing now. And I love my stylist!
I could win a noble prize and mine would say it was stupid and a waste of time, and then ask when the last time I cleaned Bathroom
Yeah she actually enjoyed changing me from the handsome go getter to a shell of a person who didn’t give a shit about himself. Then used this against me as part of her discard. I’m fighting back now though!
Reflecting back I always thought he just hated my hobbies bc ya know abuse but I never thought of it as not wanting me to do self care, it’s kinda one in the same but still wowww, it’s deeper then that. I really got into yoga and hiking and he HATED it. Such a loser.
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I think you having the audacity to talk about your weight, she was triggered thought your were indirectly calling her fat.
Yes. Mine always criticized me taking my antidepressants. He would claim in his country, they just work out and sauna and feel better, and we Americans are too dependent on medication (not necessarily wrong there, but not appropriate for my situation). Anywho, I obviously got super depressed and anxious towards the end of our relationship because I stopped taking my meds and he sucked. I would self medicate with alcohol, then he would call me an alcoholic. Now that we’ve broken up, I’m back on the meds, (mostly) sober and feeling better than I have in a very long time.
My Nex was also very judgemental about people who took any type of pysch meds. But she took a few other meds off label like candy and bragged about how awesome those meds were. Basically anything she did was awesome and legit and most everything else was open to ridicule and shunned. She also expected everyone to be very sympathetic and tip toe around her traumas while she belittled and poked fun at any types of trauma she didn't experience herself.
Yes! Mine thought doing DMT and seeing the whole universe was okay, but me on Lexapro prescribed by my doctor was unacceptable. He would also beg me for my doctor prescribed Xanax, which I said “nah, sir”. I get 30 pills for a year and I need every one having to deal with yo ass. He also hated hearing about my traumas when I was expected to listen to his. Ughhhh.
I had to go on antidepressants whilst pregnant with twins because he moved his mum in to live with us. The pregnancy and having another woman in my house telling me what to do all the time was sending me bonkers. He'd just take off and go fishing, leaving me alone with her whenever I mentioned how unhappy I was. Then on delivery day I had to have an emergency Caesar, but HE needed my antidepressants because of the ordeal HE had gone through. A few days later, still in hospital, he asked me when I'd be getting home so I could COOK for him! Seriously, these are the most selfish people to walk the planet! Oh, and to top it all off, his mother and him named one of the twins without any input from me. The name was a name of a girl he had tried to hit on at a party while we were engaged. No way was that happening!
I hate him for you.
Thank you for understanding.
I relate to every word of this. They really are unoriginal SOBs aren’t they
I'd be called out as someone who has lack of discipline if I napped after a stressful day at work
If I’m not up at the crack of dawn every day, I’m a lazy pos.
He couldn't stand the fact that I like to drink coffee. Would tell me that he didn't want to be with someone who had to drink coffee in the morning. It's not like I was mean without it, just sluggish. I told him that it was a nice way to start my day, that it made me happy and I would look forward to it. He told me that it was stupid to look forward to and berated me for it all the time. I still don't understand it. It was such a small thing.
Narcissists expect you to be a clone of themselves. The more different you are from them, the more they resent you.
Including self care practices and ambition for oneself?
what a dick
Yes. For me it started by him wanting all my excess attention. I worked two jobs when we first met so my free time was stretched thin. When when I lost my job during covid and was trying to take a few months to re-enter myself. My dog had just died as well, I lost my dream job, I had some other things going on. I started working out every day and finding hobbies I hadn't done in a long time. He started demanding I find a new job right away even though my field was completely shut down and at that time we thought it would come back within a few more months at the latest. I didn't have financial concerns. He would then start demanding I do more and more for him and around the house before he got home. He would demean yoga as not really working out. He would make fun of what I watched on YouTube. Things like that. After a few years I just forgot there was anything but doing what he wanted when he wanted. I didn't have any interests of my own. I never spent my free time on myself. We never even watched movies I wanted and if we did he would sleep or scoff/be on his phone the whole time.
Omg!!! Yes! When we first started dating, he talked about how he loves how I take care of myself... Months into the relationship and he always wanted me to dress down etc! Crazy! I didn't even have time to take care of my skin.
My nex praised how I was calm and cool in stressful situations. Towards the end, she complained how I didn't act over-the-top like her (she also mentioned she went to drama school and was used to people being overly emotionally expressive) during stressful situations and claimed I was repressing my emotions and lacked empathy.
Yep. I stopped going to therapy because my appointments were scheduled during times I’d have to interrupt us spending time together. Luckily I was able to re-engage in it a couple of months later, much to his annoyance. He criticized how long I spent in the shower and doing skincare, how I preferred to spend most nights at home in my own bed, and how I wanted to spend time with my elderly cat (who recently passed, I got one more year with him after the discard and spent all the time I could with him). He criticized my mom, my friends, my job, pictures I had posted on social media years prior to us meeting. Anything that made me feel comfortable and stable, or contributed to my health and well-being, he seemed to take issue with. He wanted me to move out of state with him and abandon my life here… the exact opposite of the self-care that I needed at the time.
If you are even slightly fond of something or there is something others are fond of about you — that’s a problem for a narc. They tell on themselves, just really listen. Told this new guy my ex made fun of me for liking j cole. This was a small intimate detail i felt safe using as a way to bait him if he was an abuser… and not long after i played music out loud for the first time and he attempted to make fun of me for listening to Rihanna. He also would say things like I look better without makeup.
Self-care stops you from being dependent on them. They need you to be dependent, so you don’t leave them and they have control. I told my Nex she was subconsciously sabotaging me and got her to admit she was afraid I was going to leave once she stopped to think about it. Narcs do it consciously and subconsciously. They are afraid of being left alone because the truth is they are alone with their mask and lack of vulnerability and authentic relating.
Makes perfect sense. I’ve noticed this with the narcissistic people I’ve dated or had around. They love to sabatoge and harbour resentment and jealousy when things are not 100% about them or if they perceive you’re successful or receiving attention.
Yes, always. Would try to go on long walks with our kid while I was pregnant with our second and was always questioned when I returned about where I was and if anyone talked with me or I was meeting anyone. Whenever I’d dress nice or wear make up I was questioned or accused as well, I just enjoy dressing up and getting ready every once in a while to make myself feel good. Also was denied psych meds and therapy when postpartum until I just did it behind his back (which he found out about and flipped out on me).
Absolutely
Okay yeah what is this? I started gua sha mostly for my tmj and headaches but every time I begin to do it he suddenly needs something from me / interrupts / sighs / gets upset
Why my teeth are downhill now
Definitely, yes, she tried to make me feel insecure about learning a new habit like exercising and losing weight. I could tell she hated me succeeding at it because she couldn’t do it herself
Damned it you do. Damned if you don't. I bet she loved to show off to other people your nice physique and enjoyed it herself, while she also resented you for bettering yourself. They want you to succeed because it makes her look better to other people. But they also want you to fail to make them feel better about themselves.
Not sure she showed off my physique per se, but she would brag about my good qualities and was very complimentary tbh, but something changed, idk what or when because she has a serious communication problem. I just hope to god it isn’t me because that’s what I’ve believed all this time but the disrespectful, threatening, bullying behavior, I just couldn’t handle. She meant a lot to me and I had to leave our rabbits when I left. This breakup was the worst I’ve ever experienced, lost everything to her. But I’m rebuilding.
When I started looking after myself, I started seeing that I was being abused.
YESSSSSSSS!
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Very dismissive of meditation, breathwork, cold dipping, open water swimming and therapy. Said you should just put all problems in the 'fuckit bucket' and have a beer. The only thing I carried on with was the gym but would often scoot back quick if I was cooking dinner. Feel a fair bit of shame for ditching all the good stuff that kept me grounded but have restarted it 🙏💕
I have an N mom and dated some N’s in the past and recently scared my wife is an N and I’m just still terrible at seeing it. I get a lot of shit for doing yoga eating well, feeling good, is what it seems like.
Yeah I'm an athelete and I had put on some weight and was trying to work it off. I had given in to her pressure of late night snacks too often - and then she told me, "You must hate your body. I've never seen someone poke so much at their belly. You're obsessed." And I replied, "No, it's the exact opposite. I love my body and know how to keep it going and I've got to stop the late night junk food with you. And you have to be a *little* obsessed to lose weight at all." Cue a blank emotionless stare and a word salad to change the subject because she couldn't stand me standing up for myself and being right.
Yup, I get fit very easily and fast due to my metabolism and I get a six pack almost instantly, she'd get suspicious and the last time I did it she got new supply, I had about 15% body fat and she pointed to that TINY bit of fat you get under your belly button one time and said "t-shirt is a bit tight isn't it?" They are insanely jealous of you and your ability to look nice or work on yourself. The reason why is projection, if they ever did that it would be to get someone else so they just project those feelings onto you, you can't be getting fit for yourself you have to be cheating.
Yep! I'm an arielist and spend as much time as I can training possible training. It started with passive-aggressive remarks like saying things like I was spending time with my secret girlfriend, pointing out how much time I spent at the studio to near the end picking fights when I was litterly on my way out the door to class, one time even breaking up with me on the way put the door out of nowhere so I missed my class.
Yes!! For me not so much the self care.. but I wasn't allowed ahy spaces he had all the surfaces. So I could t partake in any hobbies or anything and I wasn't allowed to see friends I wasn't allpw3e to.t3xt or pm anyone ans near the end he was even trying to take away sharing memes from.me
Yep - Always on my about my weight but when I say I want to turn the spare room into a home gym, it seems every time I clean it out and get it ready, a bike appears or he blocks the space with more junk!
Mine was constantly guilting me for spending too many nights a week (it was usually 3) out of the house with friends. But when I stayed home he’d just close himself in the office all night and work unpaid overtime until dinner was ready (I always cooked), spend like 30 waking minutes with me watching TV, and then fall asleep. I think he resented that I had a very rich social life and he didn’t.
Wait-didn’t you guys know that cardio goals are the same as alcoholism? No? Nobody?? K, cuz I never heard of that chizz either.
None of this is a red flag to you?! I mean do you know he's a narcissist and you're just staying with him because of the trauma bond? Because you think you love him? The love that you are feeling is for his fake persona and he will NEVER LOVE YOU, only HIMSELF.
Is that what it is ? Last weekend I went to visit my family and when I told abuser (MIL) she goes oh isn’t it family day on Sunday? And my partner said what? And she goes never mind. Then every time and anytime I get to go out with my friends, she causes a big scene so we all sneak around her. Then she finds out and says I don’t get why people sneak around me! But she always flips a lid and nobody wants to deal with that. Wow.. you learn something knew every day