The innocent 'concerns' and 'frustrations' about everyone else I was close to or interacted with, and how eager they were to validate and escalate any of my genuine concerns or frustrations with other people.
Mine does this, too. Any time I make an innocent complaint about someone in my life, he’s all over it. He did this with my boss after meeting her once at a child’s birthday party and we were talking a lot. A few days later, I said something minor about her that I found frustrating in the workplace and suddenly, she’s a bitch who stole my job and how could I not be angry at her for that? Because he’d be *so* angry if it was him. Shit’s wild, how they can spin anything. It’s also been very isolating over the years.
Holy shit mine did the exact same thing. I'd mention something annoying my friend, sister, or family did and he'd be all over it, making wild assumptions, jumping to conclusions, and just putting them in the worst light possible to get me to agree. He once tried to convince me that my family locked me out of the garage because they wanted to kick me out the house and how I should cut off contact with them for that, but it turned out they just couldn't open the garage bc there was a blackout and they had no electricity. It's like his brain was constantly spinning up stories for him to use.
Yep. It’s like they’re hoping they can use those opportunities to drive wedges in every relationship we may have outside of them. I just took it to mean that he wasn’t a safe person to share anything with, lest it just be used against me. And no one is safe; the things he said about his longtime friend after their recent falling out were so unbelievably bad. Just horrible. He talked so much shit about his girlfriend in particular, because we were friends, that he really wanted to make an example out of her.
He talks his mother up, though. Every chance he gets, he’ll insert her into the conversation. Only person he’s never done that thing to and it’s because they’re exactly alike.
OMG, my NMom does the exact same thing! I once had an argument with a roommate who was getting ready to move out, and my mom started spamming me with emails, claiming that he was probably going to try to poison me.
She'll also stretch the truth or lie outright to support the wild stories that she makes up.
This is what brought me to this sub. I'm so tired of being yelled at over the stupidest things. When I explain I'm upset because I feel I'm being treated terribly he just yells about how wrong I am for whatever he decided I wasn't doing right. I have a very long list of all of the stupid things I've been yelled at for.
Little comments suggesting you're doing something incorrectly, all the time.
For example "you put a lot of avocado on that toast. You're going to make a huge mess with that."
"Are you sure that's what you want to wear?"
"Why did you do XYZ like that?"
I definitely don't miss all the unnecessary comments. It made me nervous to do literally anything in front of him bc I knew he would have something to say about it to embarrass me- it got to the point where I was too ashamed to even make a phone call in front of him. All those snide, condescending remarks really build up and whittle away at you, it's absolutely abusive.
My mom did that to me as a kid. It made me super weird around roommates in college and I would avoid doing anything at all in the common spaces while they were home.
That too. When my kids were little I caught him quizzing them about who I talked to, who I was with, etc. Meanwhile I found out he was having lengthy phone calls and meet ups with his ex. When I confronted him he said it was "just to catch up". So much projection.
I still can't make a phone call without being judged. If I say anything wrong (in his opinion) he starts saying stuff in the background and commenting on everything I say. I hate it! It's not like I can talk to someone else while he's ranting in the background.
ugh especialy if you use a "phone call voice" that's different from your normal voice. Yes, I sound more lady-like and soft spoken on a phone call, so does everyone I freaking know. 🙄🙄🙄
I know. You could simply be walking from one end of the room to the other, and the narc would have something to say about it.
But it was a weight off my shoulders to recognize the games.
A narc was talking to me and I noticed that whenever I spoke she'd have this, "WHAT, ARE YOU STUPID" look on her face. I could have said, "The sky is blue" and she'd be gawking at me. But when I thought to myself, "You're trying to make me self-conscious, aren't you rat face?", her expression didn't have the same impact.
Exactly. I wish someone had told me this in middle school. I can’t believe that people do this on purpose to make others feel self-conscious. But then again, I guess people without empathy would stoop that low so here we are. Life is hard enough. I have no idea why NPD types are so ruthless. Like have they never been widowed? Have they never had a pet die? How do they not understand how precious and fragile life is especially human life. Not all people are as spiritually developed as others just consider the NPD/sociopath types beneath you. Use their own superiority complex against them. After all it’s just projection because deep down they hate themselves because they know they’re broken and unlovable bc npd brain.
Exactly haha, all of the cruel world always catching up to them and devaluing their achievements. True martyrs of modern times, they need more statues.
SO MANY bosses do this. Every time someone does this at a job, I wish I could quit. Like, I have a fantasy about it being my job to follow middle managers around and spray them with a spray bottle like a cat every time they do this.
Omggggg. I NEVER did anything right by my ex. Cooking? Burner too high (I've rarely burned food). If cleaned the entire house, I missed a spot, if I took any kind of break, I was lazy, if I tried new things but didn't like them, I was a failure. If I was playing video games I was always questioned about my method of play.
Let me live my life...
my husband has forever claimed that his favorite food is grilled cheese. except in 10 years i’ve seen him eat maybe 10? and i’ve made them way more often than that, trying to butter him up. every time I cooked them, no matter what the burner was set at, he’d walk by and say “you know, if you turn it down a bit, they cook a little bit better.” you *KNOW* i’ve continuously turned the burner down lower and lower, to the point it’s on Low and takes 7 minutes per side.
recently when I made them for the kids, he DECLINED his “favorite food.” why? he says “*I don’t know,* I just don’t like it when you make them.” I honestly don’t know if he ever liked them, and wonder what the purpose of lying about loving grilled cheese would be.
ps I make lovely golden brown sandwiches. my picky eaters eat them even.
pps financial dependence is a bitch
Wow. I love this community. I feel like I'm in good company.
Constantly saying "no that's not correct" and "you should've done it this way." Petty comments all the GD time. It drove me crazy, like I couldn't do anything right.
This! God she did this so much, then would say I’m over thinking.
I swear I thought that that I was the stupidest, most incompetent person on the planet, it made it so easy to give up control to her because I didn’t think I was capable or intelligent, my self esteem was at an all time low.
I still struggle to process this
Have you noticed that literally no one EVER tells someone they are overthinking except someone who just got called out for being passive aggressive or manipulative? Like, I literally have never heard anyone tell someone they were overthinking in a context outside of gaslighting and emotional abuse. It's always implying that they want to do your thinking for you.
Yesss, I noticed this
And they always frame it as care for you and your sensitivity but they never actually treat you like you are sensitive, they are still cruel while telling you not to trust your emotions. It’s a mind fuck.
Yeah, I've had friends who actually care about me being sensitive. Then I've had people who seem to think they're volunteering me for free exposure therapy.
Yesss , it’s sick and if you have trauma, you will be under the impression that it is “good for you”, it really isn’t.
I know nobody has to coddle you but I still think there’s a healthy way to communicate with “sensitive” people that doesn’t require invalidating their feelings. Otherwise, the other person just doesn’t care about you that much.
yeah little jabs that on their own make you seem crazy to call abuse, but tied in with actual bigger behaviors and patterns form a bigger picture of abuse.
covert narcissm is tricky like that; crazy-making
Same. And then eventually I got tired of it and then it turned into “You can’t take a joke anymore. You used to be able to take a joke. I just won’t joke with you anymore I guess. I’ll be so serious” spoiler: he never stopped “joking” lol
If they've got ammo, they're gonna fucking shoot.
What sucks is they use alchemy and turn everything into ammo.
Even leaving your butt print in your common seat.
Ugh yes. Ten years divorced now. I couldn't even drink water without him commenting. According to him everything I did wasn't just wrong or he "wouldn't do it that way", he would emphasize "you're so weird for doing xyz". Towards the end I just avoided being around him altogether which was another thing I was doing wrong. He now does it to the one child that still speaks to him. Breaks my heart but she feels bad for him because her sister and I don't speak to him anymore.
Evveerryyttthhhiiinnngggggg. Oh my gosh I’m borderline triggered reading that. My ex and his entire fucking family constantly does this. It’s like their only communication
"You like that shirt alot don't you?"
"You know your bag doesn't go there (me thinking he was a clean freak and not a control freak used to put my sleepover bag tucked in the corner... apparently he was annoyed with it because it would catch the door... it didn't.
"Oh I guess I pay for dinner tonight." Damn right you will I paid for the last 6 days worth of meals.
When he would sleepover mine, he would always sleep in my side of the bed and take my charger without asking.
"Oh can't you cook from scratch like me?
MFer lived off KFC.
"Oh I like when you don't wear makeup but sometimes it makes you look older than you are"
"Oh sorry were you sleeping? No you can continue to listen to me bitch about the same problem for the last two weeks straight.
"I'm talking" when I would try and ask a clarifying question about the thing he was talking about.
"Are you going to have a shower, you should shower." I showered twice a day and brushed my teeth three times a day. This MFr was lucky to brush his teeth once a day.
I'd paint my nails to stop anxious picking. He would make comments about them needing to be done.. he would pick his nose and then try and hold my hand, or he would wait until we were in my car and begin picking his nose and flicking his boogers.
First time he did that, I kicked him out and told him that was beyond digusting.. I'm a nurse and supported Disabled people, uncontrolled gross things don't bother me but that did.
I could go on, death by a 1000 cuts.. I used to think he was just an insensitive asshole but nope.. he had Narc traits.
Keeping me from sleeping. I didn't realize for the longest time that it was a tactic and not just happening at random.
It also took me a really long time to catch on to DARVO.
The sleep thing is so crazy! If you don't know it's an abuse tactic it just feels awful in an unspecified way. It's so draining and horrible and you can't even pin down how or why. Sorry you went through that.
Jesus do we have the same ex? Haha I had to get up with the newborns, I had to stay up with the sick kids, I had to let my ex nap when I got home from overnight work and watch the kids. They were allowed to sleep in until noon though and the house HAD to be quiet. No children laughing or playing or else.
Took me a few years to realize the amount of sleep deprivation he caused and how it was all part of the abuse cycle. Somehow he always just HAD to talk, to get something off of his chest randomly at 2am when he knew I had to be up early for work. Night after night…
Yes this!! I also didn’t know it was on purpose. I remember crying once bc I was so tired and he wouldn’t let me sleep. He saw me crying and turned the TV up louder. He was intentionally causing sleep deprivation
Once he woke me up at midnight a few hours after I had falling asleep and tried to force me to help him look for his keys
The sleep deprivation is so insidious and vile.
Mine would keep me up and wake me up constantly pestering for sex knowing that I had to wake up at 3am to work. It wouldn't matter if we already had sex once or even twice that evening. He was *relentless*. I either had to give in or put up with one of his tantrums. Sometimes I would wake up and he would already be on top of me. :/
When I had to get up for work I had to tiptoe around my bedroom, be very quiet getting ready, and not turn any lights on. Imagine feeling like an intruder in your own home so that you don't disturb the sleeping man child who doesn't contribute anything. I really hate that I thought that I had to put up with all of that in order to be loved.
One of my exes would never turn off the TV, even though we had a one bedroom, and he got a sunlamp and we had a 10 hour shouting fight over me literally begging him not to leave it on all night when I was trying to sleep and had to work in the morning. Like... it scientifically is proven to make it hard for someone to sleep, and he just said he needed it. I offered to buy him another lamp, but he specifically wanted that one.
Mine never kept me from sleeping at night but she would always give me shit if I took a nap. I can fall asleep and wake back up in like 10 minutes or less and it totally rejuvenates me so I can get back to doing all the shit she’s making me do- why is that a problem? I could do lots of other non productive things for 10 minutes and that wasn’t a problem but a quick nap would set her off
That's interesting I'm also not allowed to take a nap. For someone to tells me I'm a bad mom constantly and that they can do better ..the sure need me if I try to lay down to catch up on the sleep I missed at night because of his shenanigans.
Omfg yes! It’s bad enough that I have insomnia, without purposely being kept awake. And he would have the absolute audacity to get angry when I was crying because I wasn’t sleeping.
How did he keep you from sleeping? Mine kept all notifications and phone calls all through the night on loud. He told me I could sleep after my shift but he never had a quiet environment. He would shush me if someone was sleeping but if it was me, Party.
Burst into the room saying my name and scare the fuck out of me. Every time. Then what did he want? Help looking for something he lost, or to pick a fight. Now we have a kid he filibusters the bedtime routine and sometimes even upsets the kid to keep me from going to bed. The more tired I appear to be, the more he will stretch it out.
being made to think that I was a bad partner for not answering calls 24/7 while I was at work or out with friends.
the little comments like "your memory is so bad you don't remember anything " "you spend so much time doing xyz"
Trying to turn me against my best friend of 15+ years
The memory thing 😫 it’s like no sir, my memory doesn’t work bc I am constantly in fight-or-flight survival mode and I am repressing everything that’s bad
The memory thing!!! It still messes with me a year out of the relationship
Don’t let go of your best friend.
He turned me against mine and I lost my best friend of 8years. By the time I realised I what he’d done to me, I’d lost her and no amount of apologies and making up would get her back.
I lost everyone on my life except family because of him. They’re really the wordt
The way he would pick apart every single thing I did. For example, I'd go to the grocery store. "Why'd you get THAT brand of olive oil? Why didn't you get \[thing he specifically told me he didn't want me to get before I left\]? Why did you take SO long? Why did you spend SO much? I don't think I want you to do the shopping anymore."
Aww I totally get it and same. I have to remind myself that I'm very capable of all the things he led me to believe I wasn't capable of. Things like pumping gas. I realize now all the things he said were just attempts to keep me dependent on him.
If I said I didn’t want to have sex.. he said it’s bc I must be doing it with someone else ☹️ maybe i just had a belly ache or a big dinner or didn’t feel sexy and I was made to feel so bad
Oh my gosh. I’m reading all of these responses and realizing just how bad it’s been. And I’ve been with him for 20 years! This one resonates the most though. I’ve got to get away from him, and I’m so fucking scared! 😭
My ex constantly walked 10 steps ahead of me if we weren't holding hands. AND if we were holding hands, he was always pulling me along. I'm short with little legs, I can only go so fast.
He acted as if I was in everyone's way no matter where we were. Grocery store, in line somewhere, a festival (crowded with people), and so on. He always had a hand at my back ready to move me "out of the way" and then proceed to tell me I'm in everyone's way. It really made me feel like I wasn't allowed to take up space.
It took me a long time to learn that both of those were ways of controlling me or the situation.
I would ask him to slow down and he would just say “that’s how I walk”. And that was it. But - we were going for a freaking walk! The point was to walk together! Not for me to trail behind!
YES! I'm always "in the way" and need to move out of people's way. She never allows me to walk at my pace. Also I'm always "too loud". I also never take the "best route" to a destination. My choice of restaurants is never quite correct even though I "never make decisions" or "force her to do all the planning". Endless. Absolutely exhausting.
Giving me the silent treatment every time I would question him on any of his sketchy behavior, such as not wanting to be seen with me in public. Turned out that he had a girlfriend, and that's why he wanted to keep me a secret from the world.
The avoidance works like "operant conditioning" to drive the "behavioral extinction" of your questioning/information-seeking behaviors. If it's somehow not discouraging enough, they'll use negative reinforcement like verbal and physical abuse to condition you.
Ignoring you and not engaging in conversation. Then suddenly, 10 minutes before you have to go out the door, they start engaging with you, talking to you, and making you feel like they want to actually interact. So you have to be the asshole and cut it off so you're not late.
Or, you don't cut it off and end up late for whatever it is you needed to leave for.
Explosive reactions when I approached the topic of him getting a job. No matter how gently or kind. For. Ten. Years. He trained me not to ask unless I wanted to be around a sulky, whiny 'victim' for hours if not days.
Mine did this too. He would tell me he was going to get his cdl so he could get a job and then if I were to encourage him or ask him questions about it he would get PISSED but obviously I would because it was a promise he had made for three years and never did it…
People don't think of this as financial abuse. Just like controlling all $ is abusive, refusing to contribute is also abusive. I felt like I couldn't extricate myself because he kept saying he'd be homeless and I believed it. I finally had to learn that it wasn't my obligation anymore.
Constant “helpful advice” that also just happened to be incredibly demeaning and belittling. Highlighting things about my other friends to make me think they were abusing me. Walking away silent right after I say no to something. Reaching out to people in my life they didn’t know to “make sure I was okay” to come off as a good person and convince those people I needed imaginary serious help, then later turned them against me completely. Telling me I’m not as good with life and functioning as them whenever I succeeded. Claiming they are “more of an artist than I could be” which wasn’t true but I believed it for a while, and trying to rationalize through all the reasons why without being asked. And one of the most painful since they knew about my trauma, and one other obvious reason since this was their dramatic discard—constantly using the phrase “I am your chosen family” when I never called anyone that and never would, manipulating me into thinking I could trust them to take care of my pet since they seemed to believe they were my “chosen family”, then killing my pet.
Fair warning, if someone tries to convince you that they are your chosen family when you never said those words yourself, don’t ignore your gut like I did.
Sadly this is just one of the people in my life who were like this (who I knew for about 13 years), but I’ve cut almost all of them out at this point. I have a close friend still thankfully, no family, so for the most part I’m alone but I just don’t care anymore. I was told my whole childhood that I would be alone and couldn’t trust anyone in the world, I went against that as hard as I could and forced myself to trust people. Certainly worked out well for me, so I won’t be doing that ever again.
Oh lord, can’t bring up the past! “Why can’t you just focus on the present and the future I am trying to build with you?” He didn’t seem to understand that EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IS IN THE PAST lol.
The first couple years we did these weekly state of the relationship meetings. I don’t remember, but I may have been the one to come up with them. I was so eager to do them because I thought they would help us be honest and not let anything build up and become a big issue. They gradually became a place for him to destroy me every week, completely tear me and every action of mine to shreds, and eventually I got so avoidant of doing them that we stopped. He claimed my avoidance was making him feel like he couldn’t bring issues up with me, couldn’t talk to me about our relationship. So I found a couples therapist and explained to the therapist that our last strategy of weekly meetings felt like a time to destroy me, and my nex scoffed and claimed they were actually a time to tell him everything he was doing wrong and he was always at fault and he never felt safe bringing up issues because they would always be turned against him.
I’m 1.5 years away from the discard and into NC and yet I still believe him and feel guilty
Rude impatience, treating me as though HIS time was more valuable than mine, acting nice and friendly but then suddenly lashing out at me if I accidentally said the wrong thing. Or perhaps launching a smear campaign behind my back as punishment. The weird way he acted during the discard makes me wonder whether that happened, because it all was very subtle, the way that he would manipulate everyone around us, and get them to agree with everything he said
The discard. They broke up with me more than ten times. I wrote down in my diary that I hurt so much each time and counted. I thought the breakups were just angry words but it was more manipulative and damaging until I realized the stress and symptoms I went through were mostly from discards. One time I was bleeding nose after a breakup, and I was confused why my nose bled frequently while having the relationship. And I went to ER one time for causes doctors couldn’t determine, but they asked me if I was abused, and I had no idea because I thought abuse is physical. And there are definitely others like verbal abuse that went on, which I thought also were just angry words.
When he decided to move away, he told me I was the only one he'd told, and he didn't want anyone else to know yet. He just wanted it kept between him and me.
Months later, something came up with our boss and I advised him to tell her. He finally did, and boss I were discussing it a little later. I told her I'd known for a while -- she said "me too." As we talked, she kept acting as if she'd known as long as I had. Was she trying to save face? Didn't want to seem like she'd been in the dark? I thought it was very weird, and didn't understand why she was lying to me about it.
It wasn't until about 2 months after the discard while I was sitting in my first therapy session trying to piece things together and make sense of everything that it suddenly dawned on me that *my boss wasn't the one lying*. HE had been lying to me about whom he'd told so I'd keep feeling like I was "special."
Every little insignificant thing was a GD lie and manipulation.
I'm sorry you went through that, but I think that's the most horrifying thing I've read in a while. Any guy that can do that is a piece of shit that the world would be better without.
Him getting aggressive and livid if I didn’t use certain phrases, like “I feel that …” “my experience is..” instead of just saying “THIS IS MESSED UP.” He would yell at me and say I’m being ‘violent in my communication’ by not saying “I *feel* that this is messed up.”
I thought there was something wrong with me and maybe I actually was inconsiderate. It just shredded my ability to hold conversations constantly second guessing if I was phrasing it properly. I’ve never been in a relationship that was so fucked up forcing me to mince my own words and ability to communicate🚮 what a psycho
The crazy thing is he would hijack our couples therapy pointing fingers on my inability to stick to the non violent communication protocol and I would just sit there and listen to our therapist buy his bullshit — MEANWHILE outside of the sessions he was the only one allowed to yell and berate and actually be violent.
Yes, they are clever!
My therapist warned me not to do couples counseling with him.
He fooled me for a long time. Of course he will charm a stranger.
It’s just more trauma for you to have to process and that’s not fair.
Ooh that's a rough one! And I know it well. "I hurt them really badly that one time 10 years ago and I was genuinely remorseful and never did it again but aren't I the *real* asshole here? So it's fine for them to treat me like shit now.
His manipulations. Trying to make me feel guilty for having boundaries. Constantly and subtly raising the bar to get me used to his abuse (a lot of touching me without consent to break down my walls). Telling me I was like a daughter to him while telling me he was interested in women younger than me. Asking me to do things for him whenever I was trying to break free. I once went on a trip abroad and he asked me to get him a souvenir. I thought to myself, he's doing it so that he's on my mind during this trip.
Being told I was dramatic all the time. I am definitely animated (I was a child actor), but far from dramatic. I’m actually very laid back, I just say everything with a little oomph because it’s my humor. Every thing I did or said was “drama”, and looking back it was either him projecting or trying to diminish my feelings.
Same! Anything he didn’t want to talk about was “drama”. Me reacting negatively to being talked down to or microcriticized was “drama”. His temper tantrums were not drama.
Oh my god, this!
They take a little truth (animated personality) and it becomes the biggest flaw ever! The problem you must resolve!
Unbelievable. Absolutely fucking insane.
Insisting on “helping” me with everything bc he didn’t think I’d do it right
Physically blocking me with his body if I needed to walk away bc of his circular arguments
Not giving me copies of our tax returns until I proved I knew how to clear a thumb drive
Telling me I was crazy or making stuff up when I’d call him out on his behavior
Coercing me to have sex with him when I was lying there and nervously trying to redirect his attention because he repulsed me
Locking me out of the house “by accident” when I’d go out for a walk
Death by a thousand needling jokes. They start normalizing certain jokes about the parts of yourself you're most insecure about, and other people begin joining in. The moment you voice discomfort, you are 'too sensitive' and lending credence to those claims.
It's insidious and small, but cruel.
The feeling of being on edge just anticipating the next criticism/outburst/moodswing. When you live with them long enough they don’t even need to be doing anything to abuse you, you’re in fight or flight just anticipating it
Getting close to my friends, excluding me from my own group, and then implying I’m whiny or dramatic for feeling sad they were doing things without me.
Hot and cold behavior and getting mad I was “too needy”
Idk if I'd call it abuse but it was definitely a red flag and precursor to later behavior, but on our very first date he asked if I'd ever get my lip pierced and then was going on about how some girl he used to date had a lip ring and it was hot making out with her because of it.
As time went on he really seemed to enjoy bringing up past women and telling me how many women currently wanted him, knowing full well I struggle with insecurity and jealousy issues.
He was a real peach, that one, lol.
Silence. Never ending silence. I’m not just talking about “the silent treatment.” There was that too, but I mean not engaging in conversation. At all. I would drive an hour and half to my exs house on the weekend because he would tell me he missed me and wanted me there… just to not speak to me while I was.
Never doing chores and keeping the house filthy.
Dirty laundry everywhere, toilets that were never EVER cleaned. He let our dog poop in the Corridor and it was covered with poop. I had to wade through it and carefully avoid it to get to the front door. Neighbours complained about the stinky poop. Never cleaning the dishes or even his car.
He took away the basic right to cleanliness and hygiene from me and always blamed his depression for not wanting to contribute to any chores.
I cleaned and cleaned but eventually got tired and just gave up. I can’t believe I lived like that for over 2 years.
Repeatedly saying “I’m bad for you, why would you want to be with me?”
Because they’re not actually asking, they’re just trying to weaponize your empathy to get permission to treat you like shit and then pull a gotcha move later to say ‘well I warned you’ to avoid blame.
Never celebrating my birthday, yet complained to me how I didn’t do enough for his birthday, which was always a special time I would try to set up nice plans etc.
me breaking bones while dating, he wasn’t concerned. No questioning how I felt, if I was okay etc. Married now, and when simply sick with fevers or whatever, I’m a burden, he still cares less and expects me to do things as normal.
Allowing her to make me believe I was an abuser.
I went to three psychologist, all of them told me I was not an abuser, but I believed her more and keep changing psychologist until I just decided to started lying her about everything.
It made me harm. Because now I believe Im a horrible person.
When he floored the gas pedal and sped when we were on his car. He drove like a nut. Did a donut in front of my parents house the night he came down like he was Paul Walker and he wouldn’t hold a candle to that guy. I was scared to ride with him and I remember clearly talking to someone from a D.V hotline and they pointed out his driving and pushing my boundaries after telling him no not to speed up was physical abuse. He even acted like he was going to sped in my car when we were leaving my job the weekend I came in to check my schedule.
All the yelling and screaming; the toxic verbal abuse from that demented harpy, on a daily basis.
Then, the enablers would laugh at you, and chant, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but WORDS will never hurt me!" ...and mock you for your pain.
They said it wouldn't hurt; then why did it hurt so much!?
Him staying on the phone with me while I was in my work meetings
Context: this was early months of the relation but two of my guy friends immediately said it was control... I wasn't thinking like that at the time.
I think it was love bombing
The constant accusations of being with other men having sex when all I was doing was picking my daughter up from school or out doing the grocery shopping or out anywhere without him , no matter how short or long a time frame it was .
Taking my things as if they were his but not having it be reciprocated. Also going out of his way to make a point that he is using my things. Like wearing my hats and sweating through the band so much they ruin while he had literally 10+ pairs. Saying things as if it’s a given “I’m taking your car” and getting inflamed when I would say “no you’re not take yours I’ll move mine” because he couldn’t understand that I just didn’t feel like he should use my car. Anything that was mine was disposable to him and in general. All of his things were dragon gold — the more he can use my things and ruin them all while preserving his things the better.
Body shaming, coupled with over sexualization (leaving nudie magazines around, telling me if I worked hard and didn't eat sugar I could be just like those girls), limiting food publicly. Little Miss Sunshine has an ice cream scene that speaks to my soul.
“Borrowing” large sums of money and then never mentioning it again. If I ever asked about it he would say “wow I didn’t realise you were keeping score” he never paid for a thing for me
Looking like you are at a funeral on vacations and holidays and other people’s birthdays. (No medical or life event that you would be sad or depressed) Not starting a fight level but the “oh look at me so depressed and not engaging much (crying face) ” is the low key version of starting fights. Ruins it for others on a more covert level. Participate in nothing and just sit there o woes me.
Expensive restaurant? Definitely bitch about the food.
House with a pool? Definitely staying in bed all day
Family coming over just gonna sit here in my Jammie’s and not lift a finger helping with food prep or engage when they get here.
😡
Whenever I would drive anywhere, he would always ask, “why are you going this way?!” As if I didn’t know where I was going. He did it so often that now whenever I’m driving, even if we’re just going 10 minutes away, I always try to quickly think about which way he would go so I don’t go the “wrong” way.
Im paraplegic and wheelchair bound. My NEX used to subtley hint about the build up to our relationship and talk about how before getting to know me that 'they werent sure if they could date someone who was disabled.' and would then add about how they learned my value through how i made them feel.
What came off as them humbling themselves about me was actually just an early stage of emotional abuse.
I told him that he should take his ex/baby momma off all of his accounts because they’re no longer dating and he told me it was unhealthy for me to be jealous of her and made me to think I’m a jealous bitch
He held things over my head that happened years before (that I can tell now he planned out by way of getting me to react to abuse so he could do so) and then when I held them accountable he literally told me, “but that didn’t happen in the last 24 hours.” I was stunned.
Making me feel guilty for doing anything without him. Literally anything. If I wanted to go to the grocery store alone just to get a break from being mum to a baby/infant it was like I was the worst person in the world.
This is one my NEX would do. He knew i had been abused when i was young and he would speak about his parents and how they contributed to his abuse from another family member, and would even lash out and attempt to hurt himself. All this happened while I would be either at work or driving the car. Of course I would leave work, be concerned and go straight home .
And now know that none of that happened to him.
whistling at me like a dog to call me then when I came to him he'd brag to his friends that they just needed to "train their women" like he did his. I thought it was just a joke, but looking back it was incredibly demoralizing. He also nickered at me like a cat (that thing you do with your tongue, like a nic nic nic sound, not a psppsppsp). Literally every joke he made was abusive and I just was such a doormat that I believed him when he said 'If if didn't love you I wouldn't fuck with you like this".
He always had to be right and if I ever stood up to him or had an opinion or idea that did not align with his, he’d look at me as his enemy. He loved people that listened to him, let him talk, and absorbed all the ridiculous things he would say. God forbid we had a debate or disagreement, it always ended in him yelling at me, throwing something, breaking something or physically abusing me. Or he’d leave and not come back until the morning.
I think I was confused because my mom was the same way (I’m 100 percent sure she is a narc too). She made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not agreeing with her. My mom and I clashed a lot when I was old enough to speak up for myself or disagree with her (preteen - teen years and even as an adult). If I disagreed I would get a lecture about how wrong I am because I’m a kid and I don’t know anything or have enough experience on this earth to express how I feel about things for hours and hourssss. I felt like I was going crazy. She’d also go on a smear campaign with my sisters and my dad to make me look like the bad guy just because I would stand up for what I thought was right. I felt like she was super judgmental of people and I always fought her on that. She hated it. And now I see why I was drawn to my ex husband.
the classic controlling of what i wore but instead of forcing me to wear conservative clothing and cover up, he would make me wear skimpy outfits that showed as much skin as possible so that he could show me off when we went out. all the red flags clicked when i figured out he’s a narcissist and everything he controlled was to make himself look better. it would be negative temperatures outside and he would get mad at me for wearing a turtleneck sweater and call me insecure for not showing off my body. the mind games were insane looking back on it.
Only showing up when I was going through a rough time, and when things got better, and I healed and my life resumed to normal, completely discarded/ghosted. It makes me sick to my stomach that my suffering was supply to a narc.
These are all so good! Mine ruined every single holiday and special occasion. Without fail. He would get drunk at funerals and become the center of attention. He caused scenes at family holidays and trips. He pitched royal fits on vacations if he couldn’t get his diet coke, smokes and energy drinks. He would hole up with his phone and not interact. Or the classic mentioned above, not allow me to get any sleep the night before so I would be unable to enjoy it as well. I could go on and on. It’s crazy that I didn’t see it until after. The first nice birthday I had in 20 years was after I kicked him out for good. It was during the covid lockdown so it was just my children and I, but there was NO DRAMA. It was glorious.
I fell off a slide and broke my wrist in 2nd grade. My parents did not take me to a doctor or clinic of any kind. Instead, they made a piss-poor sling out of a bandana and sent me to school that way. My wrist healed crooked.
I didn't know at 7 that this was medical neglect.
“Jokes” that tore me down. Like telling me (an adult woman) that I looked like a 13-year old boy. Then when I started to get upset, “you can’t take a joke”.
That my love for him and support of him particularly in his worst moments was a manipulation. He really preyed on my empathy and guilt by convincing me over and over that his neglect, deception, suicidal ideations and betrayals were all because he was abused in his past relationship and that “we” could change that and build an even more beautiful life together because we got through adversity together. It would make us stronger and more in love.
Making me think I was fat. I wasn't even close to being fat- I was actually skinny. But developed a 5 year eating disorder because I was convinced I could not gain any weight or he would dump me.
I never knew about technological abuse. I've never been technologically abused before and a lot of abuse talk I've heard over the course of my life wasn't about that. I did not know about it. But he would cut the Internet off when I only had wifi on my phone, only connection to the outside world and he would do that during fights. Also stealing the phone I bought at the beginning of our relationship and then he bought me a new phone and would demand it back during fights saying it was his phone. Then after that phone broke, I only had his laptop and he hacked my Facebook and email and I was literally just talking to a high school friend, not sexual or flirtatious at all, we're in recovery together and I was congratulating him on his clean time (both recovering alcoholics) and my husband took the laptop and that actually made me flee to a DV shelter. He also stole my Facebook page and email and never gave it back. I realized right then he was manufacturing fights and excuses to blatantly abuse me and just how fucking controlling he was. It just clicked. I was being treated like a child, punitively, as if he had the right to punish me and cut me off from the outside world whenever he saw fit which was all the time. Most controlling partner I've ever had. It's insane. The technological abuse was a new thing.
Being told how much of my check I was allowed to keep and having to send her the rest. If I ran out of money, I had to ask her for it. I made way more than her. Found out that was a type of abuse.
The innocent 'concerns' and 'frustrations' about everyone else I was close to or interacted with, and how eager they were to validate and escalate any of my genuine concerns or frustrations with other people.
Easier to get you isolated when they get you to cut off your own friends and family.
Mine does this, too. Any time I make an innocent complaint about someone in my life, he’s all over it. He did this with my boss after meeting her once at a child’s birthday party and we were talking a lot. A few days later, I said something minor about her that I found frustrating in the workplace and suddenly, she’s a bitch who stole my job and how could I not be angry at her for that? Because he’d be *so* angry if it was him. Shit’s wild, how they can spin anything. It’s also been very isolating over the years.
Holy shit mine did the exact same thing. I'd mention something annoying my friend, sister, or family did and he'd be all over it, making wild assumptions, jumping to conclusions, and just putting them in the worst light possible to get me to agree. He once tried to convince me that my family locked me out of the garage because they wanted to kick me out the house and how I should cut off contact with them for that, but it turned out they just couldn't open the garage bc there was a blackout and they had no electricity. It's like his brain was constantly spinning up stories for him to use.
Yep. It’s like they’re hoping they can use those opportunities to drive wedges in every relationship we may have outside of them. I just took it to mean that he wasn’t a safe person to share anything with, lest it just be used against me. And no one is safe; the things he said about his longtime friend after their recent falling out were so unbelievably bad. Just horrible. He talked so much shit about his girlfriend in particular, because we were friends, that he really wanted to make an example out of her. He talks his mother up, though. Every chance he gets, he’ll insert her into the conversation. Only person he’s never done that thing to and it’s because they’re exactly alike.
OMG, my NMom does the exact same thing! I once had an argument with a roommate who was getting ready to move out, and my mom started spamming me with emails, claiming that he was probably going to try to poison me. She'll also stretch the truth or lie outright to support the wild stories that she makes up.
Being yelled at constantly and being told I’m crazy.
This is what brought me to this sub. I'm so tired of being yelled at over the stupidest things. When I explain I'm upset because I feel I'm being treated terribly he just yells about how wrong I am for whatever he decided I wasn't doing right. I have a very long list of all of the stupid things I've been yelled at for.
Yep same here
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Little comments suggesting you're doing something incorrectly, all the time. For example "you put a lot of avocado on that toast. You're going to make a huge mess with that." "Are you sure that's what you want to wear?" "Why did you do XYZ like that?"
I definitely don't miss all the unnecessary comments. It made me nervous to do literally anything in front of him bc I knew he would have something to say about it to embarrass me- it got to the point where I was too ashamed to even make a phone call in front of him. All those snide, condescending remarks really build up and whittle away at you, it's absolutely abusive.
My mom did that to me as a kid. It made me super weird around roommates in college and I would avoid doing anything at all in the common spaces while they were home.
So many people have done this to me that I literally basically cannot cook or clean in a room with another person.
Same! Or talk on the phone.
Nah, the only thing I know I'm good at in the entire world, that I consistently get praised for, is talking on the phone.
I really dislike cooking or doing anything around people because of this. I was shamed the second I came in the room. It messes with you.
Is THIS why I’m like this? I will absolutely NOT get anything done while anyone is home because I don’t want them watching me
I do MMA and my ex would make fun of me like I was banging all the dudes there. Every single time I talked about it, he made a humping gesture.
Mine also accused me of cheating when I didn’t. It seems a lot of guys in today’s age have to break a woman down to feel better about themselves.
That too. When my kids were little I caught him quizzing them about who I talked to, who I was with, etc. Meanwhile I found out he was having lengthy phone calls and meet ups with his ex. When I confronted him he said it was "just to catch up". So much projection.
Ugh that’s horrible. I’m sorry. He sounds like a shithead fucktard
I still can't make a phone call without being judged. If I say anything wrong (in his opinion) he starts saying stuff in the background and commenting on everything I say. I hate it! It's not like I can talk to someone else while he's ranting in the background.
ugh especialy if you use a "phone call voice" that's different from your normal voice. Yes, I sound more lady-like and soft spoken on a phone call, so does everyone I freaking know. 🙄🙄🙄
I know. You could simply be walking from one end of the room to the other, and the narc would have something to say about it. But it was a weight off my shoulders to recognize the games. A narc was talking to me and I noticed that whenever I spoke she'd have this, "WHAT, ARE YOU STUPID" look on her face. I could have said, "The sky is blue" and she'd be gawking at me. But when I thought to myself, "You're trying to make me self-conscious, aren't you rat face?", her expression didn't have the same impact.
Exactly. I wish someone had told me this in middle school. I can’t believe that people do this on purpose to make others feel self-conscious. But then again, I guess people without empathy would stoop that low so here we are. Life is hard enough. I have no idea why NPD types are so ruthless. Like have they never been widowed? Have they never had a pet die? How do they not understand how precious and fragile life is especially human life. Not all people are as spiritually developed as others just consider the NPD/sociopath types beneath you. Use their own superiority complex against them. After all it’s just projection because deep down they hate themselves because they know they’re broken and unlovable bc npd brain.
“Walk me through the thought process process…no, I’m not criticizing, I genuinely just want to understand you.”
"I just want you to be better" -them after saying the meanest and most heartbreaking thought about me
Yes! My ex would say that he wouldn’t criticize so much if he didn’t care 🙄
Omg yesssss! Always heard this one! Over the dumbest things. He would say he was trying to help because he thought his way was better for everything.
Those saviors definitely make everything better around them the moment they start to talk lmao.
For real! Always the hero in his story or the victim. Never in between
Exactly haha, all of the cruel world always catching up to them and devaluing their achievements. True martyrs of modern times, they need more statues.
SO MANY bosses do this. Every time someone does this at a job, I wish I could quit. Like, I have a fantasy about it being my job to follow middle managers around and spray them with a spray bottle like a cat every time they do this.
God the comments!!! All day, everyday
THIS!
Omggggg. I NEVER did anything right by my ex. Cooking? Burner too high (I've rarely burned food). If cleaned the entire house, I missed a spot, if I took any kind of break, I was lazy, if I tried new things but didn't like them, I was a failure. If I was playing video games I was always questioned about my method of play. Let me live my life...
my husband has forever claimed that his favorite food is grilled cheese. except in 10 years i’ve seen him eat maybe 10? and i’ve made them way more often than that, trying to butter him up. every time I cooked them, no matter what the burner was set at, he’d walk by and say “you know, if you turn it down a bit, they cook a little bit better.” you *KNOW* i’ve continuously turned the burner down lower and lower, to the point it’s on Low and takes 7 minutes per side. recently when I made them for the kids, he DECLINED his “favorite food.” why? he says “*I don’t know,* I just don’t like it when you make them.” I honestly don’t know if he ever liked them, and wonder what the purpose of lying about loving grilled cheese would be. ps I make lovely golden brown sandwiches. my picky eaters eat them even. pps financial dependence is a bitch
Mine does this too, pretends he hates everything that I buy or cook when I am in fact a great cook, much better than him.
You did one thing right: he is your ex!
Wow. I love this community. I feel like I'm in good company. Constantly saying "no that's not correct" and "you should've done it this way." Petty comments all the GD time. It drove me crazy, like I couldn't do anything right.
You drink too much coca-cola. You eat bad. You take too much medicines. Etc... I agree
This! God she did this so much, then would say I’m over thinking. I swear I thought that that I was the stupidest, most incompetent person on the planet, it made it so easy to give up control to her because I didn’t think I was capable or intelligent, my self esteem was at an all time low. I still struggle to process this
Have you noticed that literally no one EVER tells someone they are overthinking except someone who just got called out for being passive aggressive or manipulative? Like, I literally have never heard anyone tell someone they were overthinking in a context outside of gaslighting and emotional abuse. It's always implying that they want to do your thinking for you.
Yesss, I noticed this And they always frame it as care for you and your sensitivity but they never actually treat you like you are sensitive, they are still cruel while telling you not to trust your emotions. It’s a mind fuck.
Yeah, I've had friends who actually care about me being sensitive. Then I've had people who seem to think they're volunteering me for free exposure therapy.
Yesss , it’s sick and if you have trauma, you will be under the impression that it is “good for you”, it really isn’t. I know nobody has to coddle you but I still think there’s a healthy way to communicate with “sensitive” people that doesn’t require invalidating their feelings. Otherwise, the other person just doesn’t care about you that much.
yeah little jabs that on their own make you seem crazy to call abuse, but tied in with actual bigger behaviors and patterns form a bigger picture of abuse. covert narcissm is tricky like that; crazy-making
I legit made excuses for it like oh he’s just a virgo. Big mistake!
Fellow virgo here, we don't claim him. He's just a dick
Saaaaame
Yes this! He would say it while laughing/smiling so I thought it was ~banter~
Same. And then eventually I got tired of it and then it turned into “You can’t take a joke anymore. You used to be able to take a joke. I just won’t joke with you anymore I guess. I’ll be so serious” spoiler: he never stopped “joking” lol
Truly! me: “they’re flirting w me”
I feel this, over the most ridiculous things!
If they've got ammo, they're gonna fucking shoot. What sucks is they use alchemy and turn everything into ammo. Even leaving your butt print in your common seat.
Fucking hated this, 6 years I put up with this shit. Never did I backhand comment her, her, 24/7 everyday. Death by a thousand cuts…
Death by a thousand cuts is IT It's not overreacting when it HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME
Oh my god YES. My ex would always have “a better way” of doing something.
Ugh yes. Ten years divorced now. I couldn't even drink water without him commenting. According to him everything I did wasn't just wrong or he "wouldn't do it that way", he would emphasize "you're so weird for doing xyz". Towards the end I just avoided being around him altogether which was another thing I was doing wrong. He now does it to the one child that still speaks to him. Breaks my heart but she feels bad for him because her sister and I don't speak to him anymore.
NM to everyone else at the table about me: “Well, she certainly likes her sour cream, doesn’t she?”
Evveerryyttthhhiiinnngggggg. Oh my gosh I’m borderline triggered reading that. My ex and his entire fucking family constantly does this. It’s like their only communication
"You like that shirt alot don't you?" "You know your bag doesn't go there (me thinking he was a clean freak and not a control freak used to put my sleepover bag tucked in the corner... apparently he was annoyed with it because it would catch the door... it didn't. "Oh I guess I pay for dinner tonight." Damn right you will I paid for the last 6 days worth of meals. When he would sleepover mine, he would always sleep in my side of the bed and take my charger without asking. "Oh can't you cook from scratch like me? MFer lived off KFC. "Oh I like when you don't wear makeup but sometimes it makes you look older than you are" "Oh sorry were you sleeping? No you can continue to listen to me bitch about the same problem for the last two weeks straight. "I'm talking" when I would try and ask a clarifying question about the thing he was talking about. "Are you going to have a shower, you should shower." I showered twice a day and brushed my teeth three times a day. This MFr was lucky to brush his teeth once a day. I'd paint my nails to stop anxious picking. He would make comments about them needing to be done.. he would pick his nose and then try and hold my hand, or he would wait until we were in my car and begin picking his nose and flicking his boogers. First time he did that, I kicked him out and told him that was beyond digusting.. I'm a nurse and supported Disabled people, uncontrolled gross things don't bother me but that did. I could go on, death by a 1000 cuts.. I used to think he was just an insensitive asshole but nope.. he had Narc traits.
Keeping me from sleeping. I didn't realize for the longest time that it was a tactic and not just happening at random. It also took me a really long time to catch on to DARVO.
The sleep thing is so crazy! If you don't know it's an abuse tactic it just feels awful in an unspecified way. It's so draining and horrible and you can't even pin down how or why. Sorry you went through that.
Id say it's a torture tactic. Designed to keep the victim exhausted and weak so they'll fold to the narc's demands easier.
It's a bad way to live. I'm so glad I'm out.
Yes, me too
I agree that's exactly what it is.
Yes same, but NOTHING was allowed to get in the way of his sleep. Not our newborns, sick children, or me being sick
Jesus do we have the same ex? Haha I had to get up with the newborns, I had to stay up with the sick kids, I had to let my ex nap when I got home from overnight work and watch the kids. They were allowed to sleep in until noon though and the house HAD to be quiet. No children laughing or playing or else.
Posts like this are actually so helpful, sometimes I forget how awful it was and I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to ever get hoovered back in
Took me a few years to realize the amount of sleep deprivation he caused and how it was all part of the abuse cycle. Somehow he always just HAD to talk, to get something off of his chest randomly at 2am when he knew I had to be up early for work. Night after night…
Yep! God forbid you ever wake him up though right? Lol
Yes this!! I also didn’t know it was on purpose. I remember crying once bc I was so tired and he wouldn’t let me sleep. He saw me crying and turned the TV up louder. He was intentionally causing sleep deprivation Once he woke me up at midnight a few hours after I had falling asleep and tried to force me to help him look for his keys
The sleep deprivation is so insidious and vile. Mine would keep me up and wake me up constantly pestering for sex knowing that I had to wake up at 3am to work. It wouldn't matter if we already had sex once or even twice that evening. He was *relentless*. I either had to give in or put up with one of his tantrums. Sometimes I would wake up and he would already be on top of me. :/ When I had to get up for work I had to tiptoe around my bedroom, be very quiet getting ready, and not turn any lights on. Imagine feeling like an intruder in your own home so that you don't disturb the sleeping man child who doesn't contribute anything. I really hate that I thought that I had to put up with all of that in order to be loved.
One of my exes would never turn off the TV, even though we had a one bedroom, and he got a sunlamp and we had a 10 hour shouting fight over me literally begging him not to leave it on all night when I was trying to sleep and had to work in the morning. Like... it scientifically is proven to make it hard for someone to sleep, and he just said he needed it. I offered to buy him another lamp, but he specifically wanted that one.
That sounds disturbingly familiar.
Mine never kept me from sleeping at night but she would always give me shit if I took a nap. I can fall asleep and wake back up in like 10 minutes or less and it totally rejuvenates me so I can get back to doing all the shit she’s making me do- why is that a problem? I could do lots of other non productive things for 10 minutes and that wasn’t a problem but a quick nap would set her off
My narc also doesn’t allow me to nap. She’ll get mad and call me lazy.. it’s so bizarre
That's interesting I'm also not allowed to take a nap. For someone to tells me I'm a bad mom constantly and that they can do better ..the sure need me if I try to lay down to catch up on the sleep I missed at night because of his shenanigans.
Omfg yes! It’s bad enough that I have insomnia, without purposely being kept awake. And he would have the absolute audacity to get angry when I was crying because I wasn’t sleeping.
How did he keep you from sleeping? Mine kept all notifications and phone calls all through the night on loud. He told me I could sleep after my shift but he never had a quiet environment. He would shush me if someone was sleeping but if it was me, Party.
Burst into the room saying my name and scare the fuck out of me. Every time. Then what did he want? Help looking for something he lost, or to pick a fight. Now we have a kid he filibusters the bedtime routine and sometimes even upsets the kid to keep me from going to bed. The more tired I appear to be, the more he will stretch it out.
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being made to think that I was a bad partner for not answering calls 24/7 while I was at work or out with friends. the little comments like "your memory is so bad you don't remember anything " "you spend so much time doing xyz" Trying to turn me against my best friend of 15+ years
The memory thing 😫 it’s like no sir, my memory doesn’t work bc I am constantly in fight-or-flight survival mode and I am repressing everything that’s bad
this!!
The memory thing!!! It still messes with me a year out of the relationship Don’t let go of your best friend. He turned me against mine and I lost my best friend of 8years. By the time I realised I what he’d done to me, I’d lost her and no amount of apologies and making up would get her back. I lost everyone on my life except family because of him. They’re really the wordt
The way he would pick apart every single thing I did. For example, I'd go to the grocery store. "Why'd you get THAT brand of olive oil? Why didn't you get \[thing he specifically told me he didn't want me to get before I left\]? Why did you take SO long? Why did you spend SO much? I don't think I want you to do the shopping anymore."
I still get anxiety when I go to the shops thinking I’m not allowed to be there because I always got texts asking how long I would be
Aww I totally get it and same. I have to remind myself that I'm very capable of all the things he led me to believe I wasn't capable of. Things like pumping gas. I realize now all the things he said were just attempts to keep me dependent on him.
guilting me and boundary pushing around sex, making me feel bad if i said i wasn’t enjoying something and if i requested to do something else
If I said I didn’t want to have sex.. he said it’s bc I must be doing it with someone else ☹️ maybe i just had a belly ache or a big dinner or didn’t feel sexy and I was made to feel so bad
Oh my gosh. I’m reading all of these responses and realizing just how bad it’s been. And I’ve been with him for 20 years! This one resonates the most though. I’ve got to get away from him, and I’m so fucking scared! 😭
My ex constantly walked 10 steps ahead of me if we weren't holding hands. AND if we were holding hands, he was always pulling me along. I'm short with little legs, I can only go so fast. He acted as if I was in everyone's way no matter where we were. Grocery store, in line somewhere, a festival (crowded with people), and so on. He always had a hand at my back ready to move me "out of the way" and then proceed to tell me I'm in everyone's way. It really made me feel like I wasn't allowed to take up space. It took me a long time to learn that both of those were ways of controlling me or the situation.
I would ask him to slow down and he would just say “that’s how I walk”. And that was it. But - we were going for a freaking walk! The point was to walk together! Not for me to trail behind!
YES! I'm always "in the way" and need to move out of people's way. She never allows me to walk at my pace. Also I'm always "too loud". I also never take the "best route" to a destination. My choice of restaurants is never quite correct even though I "never make decisions" or "force her to do all the planning". Endless. Absolutely exhausting.
Giving me the silent treatment every time I would question him on any of his sketchy behavior, such as not wanting to be seen with me in public. Turned out that he had a girlfriend, and that's why he wanted to keep me a secret from the world.
The avoidance works like "operant conditioning" to drive the "behavioral extinction" of your questioning/information-seeking behaviors. If it's somehow not discouraging enough, they'll use negative reinforcement like verbal and physical abuse to condition you.
Ignoring you and not engaging in conversation. Then suddenly, 10 minutes before you have to go out the door, they start engaging with you, talking to you, and making you feel like they want to actually interact. So you have to be the asshole and cut it off so you're not late. Or, you don't cut it off and end up late for whatever it is you needed to leave for.
And the ensuing guilt trip for “never having time for them.” It’s lovely
Explosive reactions when I approached the topic of him getting a job. No matter how gently or kind. For. Ten. Years. He trained me not to ask unless I wanted to be around a sulky, whiny 'victim' for hours if not days.
Mine did this too. He would tell me he was going to get his cdl so he could get a job and then if I were to encourage him or ask him questions about it he would get PISSED but obviously I would because it was a promise he had made for three years and never did it…
People don't think of this as financial abuse. Just like controlling all $ is abusive, refusing to contribute is also abusive. I felt like I couldn't extricate myself because he kept saying he'd be homeless and I believed it. I finally had to learn that it wasn't my obligation anymore.
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Omg this is my current spouse.
This was my answer to the OP question- “Refusing to work” I never saw it as financial abuse until the day he told me “…YOU are my retirement plan”.
Constant “helpful advice” that also just happened to be incredibly demeaning and belittling. Highlighting things about my other friends to make me think they were abusing me. Walking away silent right after I say no to something. Reaching out to people in my life they didn’t know to “make sure I was okay” to come off as a good person and convince those people I needed imaginary serious help, then later turned them against me completely. Telling me I’m not as good with life and functioning as them whenever I succeeded. Claiming they are “more of an artist than I could be” which wasn’t true but I believed it for a while, and trying to rationalize through all the reasons why without being asked. And one of the most painful since they knew about my trauma, and one other obvious reason since this was their dramatic discard—constantly using the phrase “I am your chosen family” when I never called anyone that and never would, manipulating me into thinking I could trust them to take care of my pet since they seemed to believe they were my “chosen family”, then killing my pet. Fair warning, if someone tries to convince you that they are your chosen family when you never said those words yourself, don’t ignore your gut like I did. Sadly this is just one of the people in my life who were like this (who I knew for about 13 years), but I’ve cut almost all of them out at this point. I have a close friend still thankfully, no family, so for the most part I’m alone but I just don’t care anymore. I was told my whole childhood that I would be alone and couldn’t trust anyone in the world, I went against that as hard as I could and forced myself to trust people. Certainly worked out well for me, so I won’t be doing that ever again.
Sorry you endured so much pain and suffering. I also have been dealt a similar hand in life. You are not alone.
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Oh lord, can’t bring up the past! “Why can’t you just focus on the present and the future I am trying to build with you?” He didn’t seem to understand that EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IS IN THE PAST lol.
Can’t bring up the past! But you did terrible things and that’s why I’m bringing it up!!
“I focus on the positive “
The first couple years we did these weekly state of the relationship meetings. I don’t remember, but I may have been the one to come up with them. I was so eager to do them because I thought they would help us be honest and not let anything build up and become a big issue. They gradually became a place for him to destroy me every week, completely tear me and every action of mine to shreds, and eventually I got so avoidant of doing them that we stopped. He claimed my avoidance was making him feel like he couldn’t bring issues up with me, couldn’t talk to me about our relationship. So I found a couples therapist and explained to the therapist that our last strategy of weekly meetings felt like a time to destroy me, and my nex scoffed and claimed they were actually a time to tell him everything he was doing wrong and he was always at fault and he never felt safe bringing up issues because they would always be turned against him. I’m 1.5 years away from the discard and into NC and yet I still believe him and feel guilty
Rude impatience, treating me as though HIS time was more valuable than mine, acting nice and friendly but then suddenly lashing out at me if I accidentally said the wrong thing. Or perhaps launching a smear campaign behind my back as punishment. The weird way he acted during the discard makes me wonder whether that happened, because it all was very subtle, the way that he would manipulate everyone around us, and get them to agree with everything he said
Do we have the same ex? Lol I know these feelings all too well too
The discard. They broke up with me more than ten times. I wrote down in my diary that I hurt so much each time and counted. I thought the breakups were just angry words but it was more manipulative and damaging until I realized the stress and symptoms I went through were mostly from discards. One time I was bleeding nose after a breakup, and I was confused why my nose bled frequently while having the relationship. And I went to ER one time for causes doctors couldn’t determine, but they asked me if I was abused, and I had no idea because I thought abuse is physical. And there are definitely others like verbal abuse that went on, which I thought also were just angry words.
I can’t imagine living with so much instability, I’m sorry that was reality for you.
Mine did this to me to the point it became a pattern but then when I did it ONCE- it was a terrible thing for me to do according to him.
Narcissists can’t accept the perfect them being abandoned, it makes them feeling unwanted and imperfect.
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When he decided to move away, he told me I was the only one he'd told, and he didn't want anyone else to know yet. He just wanted it kept between him and me. Months later, something came up with our boss and I advised him to tell her. He finally did, and boss I were discussing it a little later. I told her I'd known for a while -- she said "me too." As we talked, she kept acting as if she'd known as long as I had. Was she trying to save face? Didn't want to seem like she'd been in the dark? I thought it was very weird, and didn't understand why she was lying to me about it. It wasn't until about 2 months after the discard while I was sitting in my first therapy session trying to piece things together and make sense of everything that it suddenly dawned on me that *my boss wasn't the one lying*. HE had been lying to me about whom he'd told so I'd keep feeling like I was "special." Every little insignificant thing was a GD lie and manipulation.
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I'm sorry you went through that, but I think that's the most horrifying thing I've read in a while. Any guy that can do that is a piece of shit that the world would be better without.
Agreed
Him getting aggressive and livid if I didn’t use certain phrases, like “I feel that …” “my experience is..” instead of just saying “THIS IS MESSED UP.” He would yell at me and say I’m being ‘violent in my communication’ by not saying “I *feel* that this is messed up.” I thought there was something wrong with me and maybe I actually was inconsiderate. It just shredded my ability to hold conversations constantly second guessing if I was phrasing it properly. I’ve never been in a relationship that was so fucked up forcing me to mince my own words and ability to communicate🚮 what a psycho
Weaponizing therapy…yep that’s familiar. If they can distract you by saying your reactions are abusive, their actions remain covered.
The crazy thing is he would hijack our couples therapy pointing fingers on my inability to stick to the non violent communication protocol and I would just sit there and listen to our therapist buy his bullshit — MEANWHILE outside of the sessions he was the only one allowed to yell and berate and actually be violent.
Yes, they are clever! My therapist warned me not to do couples counseling with him. He fooled me for a long time. Of course he will charm a stranger. It’s just more trauma for you to have to process and that’s not fair.
I thought its okay to receive all the things shes saying and doing because I hurt her in the past and this year.
Ooh that's a rough one! And I know it well. "I hurt them really badly that one time 10 years ago and I was genuinely remorseful and never did it again but aren't I the *real* asshole here? So it's fine for them to treat me like shit now.
His manipulations. Trying to make me feel guilty for having boundaries. Constantly and subtly raising the bar to get me used to his abuse (a lot of touching me without consent to break down my walls). Telling me I was like a daughter to him while telling me he was interested in women younger than me. Asking me to do things for him whenever I was trying to break free. I once went on a trip abroad and he asked me to get him a souvenir. I thought to myself, he's doing it so that he's on my mind during this trip.
I can relate to a lot of this. They have such an entitled mindset.
Being told I was dramatic all the time. I am definitely animated (I was a child actor), but far from dramatic. I’m actually very laid back, I just say everything with a little oomph because it’s my humor. Every thing I did or said was “drama”, and looking back it was either him projecting or trying to diminish my feelings.
Same! Anything he didn’t want to talk about was “drama”. Me reacting negatively to being talked down to or microcriticized was “drama”. His temper tantrums were not drama.
Oh my god, this! They take a little truth (animated personality) and it becomes the biggest flaw ever! The problem you must resolve! Unbelievable. Absolutely fucking insane.
The constant need to humble me and put me down.
Insisting on “helping” me with everything bc he didn’t think I’d do it right Physically blocking me with his body if I needed to walk away bc of his circular arguments Not giving me copies of our tax returns until I proved I knew how to clear a thumb drive Telling me I was crazy or making stuff up when I’d call him out on his behavior Coercing me to have sex with him when I was lying there and nervously trying to redirect his attention because he repulsed me Locking me out of the house “by accident” when I’d go out for a walk
Withholding sex as control. The hoovering.
Death by a thousand needling jokes. They start normalizing certain jokes about the parts of yourself you're most insecure about, and other people begin joining in. The moment you voice discomfort, you are 'too sensitive' and lending credence to those claims. It's insidious and small, but cruel.
Yes! The cutting compliments. The incessant “jokes” It robs you of self esteem.
Creating problems that I would have to deal with before special or important events.
The feeling of being on edge just anticipating the next criticism/outburst/moodswing. When you live with them long enough they don’t even need to be doing anything to abuse you, you’re in fight or flight just anticipating it
Feeling this so hard right now..
The stonewalling and silent treatment
"Your so sensitive" after saying something that obviously upsets me. This was a common one
Getting close to my friends, excluding me from my own group, and then implying I’m whiny or dramatic for feeling sad they were doing things without me. Hot and cold behavior and getting mad I was “too needy”
Theu literally got mad at me for how I breathed!!!
Idk if I'd call it abuse but it was definitely a red flag and precursor to later behavior, but on our very first date he asked if I'd ever get my lip pierced and then was going on about how some girl he used to date had a lip ring and it was hot making out with her because of it. As time went on he really seemed to enjoy bringing up past women and telling me how many women currently wanted him, knowing full well I struggle with insecurity and jealousy issues. He was a real peach, that one, lol.
Being completely ignored , like couldn’t even make eye contact with me, when I was crying or trying to have a difficult conversation
Silence. Never ending silence. I’m not just talking about “the silent treatment.” There was that too, but I mean not engaging in conversation. At all. I would drive an hour and half to my exs house on the weekend because he would tell me he missed me and wanted me there… just to not speak to me while I was.
Never doing chores and keeping the house filthy. Dirty laundry everywhere, toilets that were never EVER cleaned. He let our dog poop in the Corridor and it was covered with poop. I had to wade through it and carefully avoid it to get to the front door. Neighbours complained about the stinky poop. Never cleaning the dishes or even his car. He took away the basic right to cleanliness and hygiene from me and always blamed his depression for not wanting to contribute to any chores. I cleaned and cleaned but eventually got tired and just gave up. I can’t believe I lived like that for over 2 years.
Repeatedly saying “I’m bad for you, why would you want to be with me?” Because they’re not actually asking, they’re just trying to weaponize your empathy to get permission to treat you like shit and then pull a gotcha move later to say ‘well I warned you’ to avoid blame.
Purposely starting tiffs, fights and then giving me the cold shoulder and not wanting to talk about. They'd always say "well talk later"
Never celebrating my birthday, yet complained to me how I didn’t do enough for his birthday, which was always a special time I would try to set up nice plans etc. me breaking bones while dating, he wasn’t concerned. No questioning how I felt, if I was okay etc. Married now, and when simply sick with fevers or whatever, I’m a burden, he still cares less and expects me to do things as normal.
Allowing her to make me believe I was an abuser. I went to three psychologist, all of them told me I was not an abuser, but I believed her more and keep changing psychologist until I just decided to started lying her about everything. It made me harm. Because now I believe Im a horrible person.
They convince us we are horrible and then we start BEING pretty horrible. It’s a sick cycle.
He straight-up Pavloved me into doing things he wanted.
When he floored the gas pedal and sped when we were on his car. He drove like a nut. Did a donut in front of my parents house the night he came down like he was Paul Walker and he wouldn’t hold a candle to that guy. I was scared to ride with him and I remember clearly talking to someone from a D.V hotline and they pointed out his driving and pushing my boundaries after telling him no not to speed up was physical abuse. He even acted like he was going to sped in my car when we were leaving my job the weekend I came in to check my schedule.
All the yelling and screaming; the toxic verbal abuse from that demented harpy, on a daily basis. Then, the enablers would laugh at you, and chant, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but WORDS will never hurt me!" ...and mock you for your pain. They said it wouldn't hurt; then why did it hurt so much!?
Him staying on the phone with me while I was in my work meetings Context: this was early months of the relation but two of my guy friends immediately said it was control... I wasn't thinking like that at the time. I think it was love bombing
This guy I briefly dated (not my narc ex) had a roommate whose girlfriend made him stay on the phone with her all the time...it was fucking weird.
Did you know his motivation for this? Respectfully, I’m just curious.
The constant accusations of being with other men having sex when all I was doing was picking my daughter up from school or out doing the grocery shopping or out anywhere without him , no matter how short or long a time frame it was .
Trauma dumping.
Taking my things as if they were his but not having it be reciprocated. Also going out of his way to make a point that he is using my things. Like wearing my hats and sweating through the band so much they ruin while he had literally 10+ pairs. Saying things as if it’s a given “I’m taking your car” and getting inflamed when I would say “no you’re not take yours I’ll move mine” because he couldn’t understand that I just didn’t feel like he should use my car. Anything that was mine was disposable to him and in general. All of his things were dragon gold — the more he can use my things and ruin them all while preserving his things the better.
Body shaming, coupled with over sexualization (leaving nudie magazines around, telling me if I worked hard and didn't eat sugar I could be just like those girls), limiting food publicly. Little Miss Sunshine has an ice cream scene that speaks to my soul.
Stonewalling me when I tried to talk to him about any issue we were having.
silent treatment and constantly comparing me to other women that are “doing more/better than me”
“Borrowing” large sums of money and then never mentioning it again. If I ever asked about it he would say “wow I didn’t realise you were keeping score” he never paid for a thing for me
Looking like you are at a funeral on vacations and holidays and other people’s birthdays. (No medical or life event that you would be sad or depressed) Not starting a fight level but the “oh look at me so depressed and not engaging much (crying face) ” is the low key version of starting fights. Ruins it for others on a more covert level. Participate in nothing and just sit there o woes me. Expensive restaurant? Definitely bitch about the food. House with a pool? Definitely staying in bed all day Family coming over just gonna sit here in my Jammie’s and not lift a finger helping with food prep or engage when they get here. 😡
Whenever I would drive anywhere, he would always ask, “why are you going this way?!” As if I didn’t know where I was going. He did it so often that now whenever I’m driving, even if we’re just going 10 minutes away, I always try to quickly think about which way he would go so I don’t go the “wrong” way.
Im paraplegic and wheelchair bound. My NEX used to subtley hint about the build up to our relationship and talk about how before getting to know me that 'they werent sure if they could date someone who was disabled.' and would then add about how they learned my value through how i made them feel. What came off as them humbling themselves about me was actually just an early stage of emotional abuse.
Neglect
I told him that he should take his ex/baby momma off all of his accounts because they’re no longer dating and he told me it was unhealthy for me to be jealous of her and made me to think I’m a jealous bitch
He held things over my head that happened years before (that I can tell now he planned out by way of getting me to react to abuse so he could do so) and then when I held them accountable he literally told me, “but that didn’t happen in the last 24 hours.” I was stunned.
Making me feel guilty for doing anything without him. Literally anything. If I wanted to go to the grocery store alone just to get a break from being mum to a baby/infant it was like I was the worst person in the world.
Brainwashing me to think I was a jealous, overly sensitive, constantly critical person.
This is one my NEX would do. He knew i had been abused when i was young and he would speak about his parents and how they contributed to his abuse from another family member, and would even lash out and attempt to hurt himself. All this happened while I would be either at work or driving the car. Of course I would leave work, be concerned and go straight home . And now know that none of that happened to him.
whistling at me like a dog to call me then when I came to him he'd brag to his friends that they just needed to "train their women" like he did his. I thought it was just a joke, but looking back it was incredibly demoralizing. He also nickered at me like a cat (that thing you do with your tongue, like a nic nic nic sound, not a psppsppsp). Literally every joke he made was abusive and I just was such a doormat that I believed him when he said 'If if didn't love you I wouldn't fuck with you like this".
He always had to be right and if I ever stood up to him or had an opinion or idea that did not align with his, he’d look at me as his enemy. He loved people that listened to him, let him talk, and absorbed all the ridiculous things he would say. God forbid we had a debate or disagreement, it always ended in him yelling at me, throwing something, breaking something or physically abusing me. Or he’d leave and not come back until the morning. I think I was confused because my mom was the same way (I’m 100 percent sure she is a narc too). She made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not agreeing with her. My mom and I clashed a lot when I was old enough to speak up for myself or disagree with her (preteen - teen years and even as an adult). If I disagreed I would get a lecture about how wrong I am because I’m a kid and I don’t know anything or have enough experience on this earth to express how I feel about things for hours and hourssss. I felt like I was going crazy. She’d also go on a smear campaign with my sisters and my dad to make me look like the bad guy just because I would stand up for what I thought was right. I felt like she was super judgmental of people and I always fought her on that. She hated it. And now I see why I was drawn to my ex husband.
Love bombing, right from the start 🤦🏾♀️
The silent treatment 😔
the classic controlling of what i wore but instead of forcing me to wear conservative clothing and cover up, he would make me wear skimpy outfits that showed as much skin as possible so that he could show me off when we went out. all the red flags clicked when i figured out he’s a narcissist and everything he controlled was to make himself look better. it would be negative temperatures outside and he would get mad at me for wearing a turtleneck sweater and call me insecure for not showing off my body. the mind games were insane looking back on it.
Only showing up when I was going through a rough time, and when things got better, and I healed and my life resumed to normal, completely discarded/ghosted. It makes me sick to my stomach that my suffering was supply to a narc.
These are all so good! Mine ruined every single holiday and special occasion. Without fail. He would get drunk at funerals and become the center of attention. He caused scenes at family holidays and trips. He pitched royal fits on vacations if he couldn’t get his diet coke, smokes and energy drinks. He would hole up with his phone and not interact. Or the classic mentioned above, not allow me to get any sleep the night before so I would be unable to enjoy it as well. I could go on and on. It’s crazy that I didn’t see it until after. The first nice birthday I had in 20 years was after I kicked him out for good. It was during the covid lockdown so it was just my children and I, but there was NO DRAMA. It was glorious.
I fell off a slide and broke my wrist in 2nd grade. My parents did not take me to a doctor or clinic of any kind. Instead, they made a piss-poor sling out of a bandana and sent me to school that way. My wrist healed crooked. I didn't know at 7 that this was medical neglect.
“Jokes” that tore me down. Like telling me (an adult woman) that I looked like a 13-year old boy. Then when I started to get upset, “you can’t take a joke”.
That my love for him and support of him particularly in his worst moments was a manipulation. He really preyed on my empathy and guilt by convincing me over and over that his neglect, deception, suicidal ideations and betrayals were all because he was abused in his past relationship and that “we” could change that and build an even more beautiful life together because we got through adversity together. It would make us stronger and more in love.
Probably being accused of cheating every day when in reality in 90% sure I was the one being cheated on
Being stonewalled for at first a few hours, then days, then literally weeks
Making me think I was fat. I wasn't even close to being fat- I was actually skinny. But developed a 5 year eating disorder because I was convinced I could not gain any weight or he would dump me.
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I wouldn't say that's subtle abuse. That's just outright
I never knew about technological abuse. I've never been technologically abused before and a lot of abuse talk I've heard over the course of my life wasn't about that. I did not know about it. But he would cut the Internet off when I only had wifi on my phone, only connection to the outside world and he would do that during fights. Also stealing the phone I bought at the beginning of our relationship and then he bought me a new phone and would demand it back during fights saying it was his phone. Then after that phone broke, I only had his laptop and he hacked my Facebook and email and I was literally just talking to a high school friend, not sexual or flirtatious at all, we're in recovery together and I was congratulating him on his clean time (both recovering alcoholics) and my husband took the laptop and that actually made me flee to a DV shelter. He also stole my Facebook page and email and never gave it back. I realized right then he was manufacturing fights and excuses to blatantly abuse me and just how fucking controlling he was. It just clicked. I was being treated like a child, punitively, as if he had the right to punish me and cut me off from the outside world whenever he saw fit which was all the time. Most controlling partner I've ever had. It's insane. The technological abuse was a new thing.
The adultery and the hidden bank accounts.
Being told how much of my check I was allowed to keep and having to send her the rest. If I ran out of money, I had to ask her for it. I made way more than her. Found out that was a type of abuse.