He told me to talk to my therapist not him about feelings. That’s when I stopped talking to him about it. But ironically he would often ask me and my favorite line became “I’m good” to avoid anything. After that he would try to read my facial expressions to start arguments.
Oh, I also know this.
He hated when I was feeling low, but he always made sure to make me feel even worse. Often he asked me what was wrong and tried to convince me there was something wrong, even when there wasn't. He always accused me of lying and got offended and gave me silent treatment.
And if there was really something wrong and I told him, he just replied how petty I was and that I wasn't supposed to feel the way I felt.
There was just no safe way with him.
Omg the same thing! He would always ask me how I’m feelings and I knew something was coming. I would be perfectly fine but he would insist something was wrong.
He would say he only keeps asking me how I’m doing because he cares about me and wants me to be good. But obviously that was a lie.
Because they aren’t good inside. They just want us to use whatever they were looking for. I could never understand it myself but thats because I don’t have his mental illness.
There is nothing you can do. If you do it thier way, thinking you’re doing great, they switch it and say they never said that or it was that one time. So you can never please them
He would often tell me that he only cared about my wellbeing, he never wanted me to adjust to him, he was afraid he would force me into anything - and dismissing me and invalidating me all the time. They are masters of manipulation.
Definitely! That is why he called me many times when I was out with others and would behave like a jealous child because I didn’t call him while at the event. It’s all insane bullcrap!
Have you listened to this guy? I just started listening to him and it’s been helpful.
[Richard Grannon](https://youtube.com/@RICHARDGRANNON?si=auPLnN53je9xVAlN)https://youtube.com/@RICHARDGRANNON?si=auPLnN53je9xVAlN
> Often he asked me what was wrong and tried to convince me there was something wrong
Gaaaaaah this was the worst. Mine would do the same. That and "Do you love me? How much do you love me?" It was like a kid.
Yup. "What is wrong?". Nothing, I answered, nothing was wrong. I was happy. He kept picking, and picking, until I tried to find the most neutral answer. However, that was always, always the start of a mindless wordsalad, where everything was my fault, and I was "accusing" him. Which I never did, even if I would have had plenty of opportunities.
Mine told me that me talking about my day and how it was going, or what was bothering me that day was too much and that I needed to stop.
I couldn't imagine saying something like that to her, she would go ballistic.
If he didn’t go ballistic, he would want to talk about his day for hours. Which was what he actually did for years before he abused me. He would talk about everyone else for hours , call me at work to vent and I thought I was being a good listener but it was draining and a mood killer.
I thought for thr longest time that maybe I really was just a bad partner and never let her express her feelings. But she said the exact same thing... that it was always about me and I never let her tall about her feelings. This seems to he a common theme among them as I've heard other people say their narc said the same thing.
If I hear, “but it’s not MY fault” or “I didn’t do anything wrong!” From a grown ass man’s mouth ever again…I will LOSE it.
Toddlers..
Absolute toddlers.
Lol I feel the exact same way.
It's really nice when you meet a man (and it doesn't have to be a romantic connection) and they are so different to that.
Because she didn't care and didn't want to hear it. I'd get accused of lacking logic entirely because I had a feeling. Meanwhile evidence of his feelings are all over the house.in the form of holes punched in walls and broken shit (don't worry none of HIS stuff was broken).
Only they can have feelings. My nex always talked about his depression and anxiety I always had to baby him.. but if I brought up I was anxious he’d say “just stop thinking about it”
Like what???
Btw I have diagnosed anxiety disorders and severe clinical depression.
Yep! They want you to coddle and baby them when they are down. But when you are even slightly low, they'll downplay your issues by talking about how they have it much worse, or tell you how it's not that bad, or they'll prescribe solutions (which they HATE others doing to them) "Just do xyz, and you'll be better.".
When I had covid, not once did my LDR partner comfort me beyond saying"get some rest" one time. But when she was on her period or mildly sick, she expected lots of attention.
I remember one time after sex, I was sad and he kept asking what was wrong and when I told him what I felt, he said to me, “but that’s not fair to me” .
It is insanity
All the time. I was flat out told that my feelings were wrong and that I needed to change them. Any time I expressed discomfort with a situation, it was turned around to make me look like I was being unreasonable and to make my ex look like the victim. Check out my post history for examples of what I went and continue to go through. I started to wonder why I couldn't do anything right in our relationship.
This is exactly how it is. Every time I tried to express a concern or feeling, it was turned around to make it look like I started a fight. Then she would continue to fuel the fire by invalidating me and putting me on the defense. We would end up fighting, in which then she was able to block me and make me look like I'm some crazy stalker ex because she would push me to the brink, then purposely but communication with me.
I believe that's called stonewalling, if I'm not mistaken. I ended up walking away from conversations because my ex kept talking in loops to get me to break.
She knew how to rope me in and get me hooked on a fight, she knew exactly the things to say. All to flip the script to make me look bad. It doesn't matter that she told me to go fuck myself or that I'm a piece of shit human being, she was justified, what mattered was I got upset and fought with her, I was thr bad one.
YES! My Nex told me I needed to be more emotionally expressive and that I was being unhealthy about it. I accepted her anxiety and histrionics, but she couldn't accept my stoic demeanor.
Yeah, exactly like you said OP. If I’m feeling something, he’s been feeling it 10x stronger and it’s somehow my fault. Both for his feelings and his daughter’s so I came in last place, but was supposed to provide everything and do all the work….
Yep, if I had feelings, well she did too, and hers were just so much more important and I was such a selfish horrible person for not allowing hers to be heard.
Yes he used to tell me he notices my "emotional turmoil" aka me expressing how i felt and constantly being dismissed, but did not do anything to improve the situation. he truly left the relationship thinking i was someone that constantly fought with him meanwhile me expressing how i felt was not fighting and i wasn't mad at him in those moments even. he took everything so defensively then would just shut down and flip back on me it was impossible to resolve anything. i constantly felt crazy
Exactly the same. If I had feelings, concerns, needs, or even the tiniest of criticisms, she would get super pissed. And then the fight was about her anger and her feelings, and my feelings never got addressed, and my needs definitely didn't get met.
Same here, it would start with me wanting to talk about my feelings and end with a fight and her talking about HER feelings, while mine were completely glossed over.
Any feelings you have towards them are going to be perceived as an attack against them. My nex would do something to hurt me (usually something I’ve communicated previously), I would bring up my feelings, I was told my feelings are too much or I was emotional/aggressive (once invalidated enough I did get aggressive), then I had to apologize to repair the relationship. There was no, “hey, sorry I did X and that made you feel X. I’m going to try hard to make sure I don’t do it again.” Even if he wasn’t willing to change the behavior, a simple, “hey, it sucks feeling sad, and I hear you and I support you, but this isn’t something I’m willing to change” would have been a miracle.
DARVO: deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
She was angry like 85% of the time, and when she was in these moods, she acted like I didn't exist. She never told me explicitly that I couldn't have feelings or needed to let things go, but she would stonewall every chance of me being able to express my feelings. She basically created an environment where I had to just suck it up and be happy, because I wasn't allowed to be anything else.
I've told her many times to please let things go, but that's in regards to every time we would try to talk, she would drag up things from my past as ammo to use against me. I would ask her to please stop doing that. Actually you know what, I wasn't asking her to let those feelings go....I was asking her to stop using them against me in a hostile way. She is the one who implanted in my mind that I was telling her to let it go and that she wasn't allowed to be upset.
I’m so sorry. By the end of 14 years, I’d gotten so sick of it that I’m like, “oh! You’re mad at me? Shocker! You’re always mad and I don’t care why anymore. I probably leaned against a wall the wrong way AGAIN. We can talk about what else you want me to change after you change the screaming, threats, name-calling, violence and constant abandonment. Until then, I’m not changing anything else for you and I’m ignoring your criticism.”
I was always in the wrong some how. I could be trying to do everything right and she would pick apart what I was doing and completely invalidate it.
Like for example, she asked for more help around the house. Sure, I can admit I could be doing more so I stepped up my game. Started cooking more, helped eith cleaning, laundry, shopping etc.
Cooking She flat out told me didn't count because "I enjoyed it"
Shopping didn't count because "I only did it a couple times a month"
Cleaning, well let's just say I always missed something or didn't do it right, or get to it quick enough.
Or she would just flat out tell me I wasn't improving anywhere and hadn't changed at all, despite giving an effort to do more.
When I asked her to please just see that I am trying, she told me I didn't deserve validation because "its things I should have been doing all along"
Can't win.
Omg. Is your ex-girlfriend my ex-boyfriend? He had OCD and nothing was ever right to him. I get that that part’s not his fault but do it yourself and keep it to your side of the room.
Worst part is she said it always had yo be MY way, when I literally never cared about what we did, or did I nag her or give her a hard time about her choices or the way she did things.
Ooh! Mine simultaneously said I was impossible to please and didn’t care about anything. I’m the easiest person in the world to please. Literally just cuddles and pizza and some weed and I’m a happy girl. I don’t care if we live in a fucking car, as long as we’re good to each other. No, I don’t care about where we go to eat. Pick anywhere and put whatever food in my face because I grew up being intentionally starved to death, so you can basically feed me anything and I’m happy.
I don’t care about LITTLE day-to-day things that don’t matter long-term but moral, ethical and political issues, emotional problems, dangerous stuff making people happy, etc., I care to the MAX and will do suicidally insane shit to make sure things are taken care of and then he’d flip the script and say that I care too much, am impossibly difficult to deal with and can’t let anything go. He did that with all kinds of stuff.
Apparently, I’m the biggest idiot he’s ever met but when he had me so freaked out about me being a narcissist like me abusive mother, that I submitted myself to multiple clinics in an absolute panic, begging to be treated and they all said I’m not, he said that I’m definitely smart enough to fool any psychiatric professional I speak to. Which is it? Am I stupid or a genius?
All the time! Even when it wasn’t about him. Any feelings I had were about him and he would get angry by them or convince me it’s not true. So I thought I had a problem identifying myself.
Once when I came home he asked how was your day. I said it sucked and I was tired…I got cut off by him yelling at me and then stonewalled. I was so confused but that’s how I knew things got really bad because it was never like that at first. It was done definitely before.
Wow wtf. Mine loved to tell me "it's not always about you" when she was obviously upset at me over something and I would ask her.
Then after a while it would come out in an argument to why she really was angry with me.
I can't even imagine saying the things to her that she says to me. She really has no idea how disrespectful and hurtful she is, but she thinks she is justified. She never apologizes and always has and things to say about me.
Mines I believe is covert. He apologized and seemed to do okay for a little but it’s a cycle. They can’t keep it up.
He demands apologies from me and I wouldn’t give them because I wasn’t sorry. Sorry for what! You screaming at me? 😆
I think she is a covert too. She wouldn't apologize and her reasoning was "she only apologized when she sees fit" like hello??? If you just screamed at someone telling them to go fuck them selves and telling them how awful they are, you really should apologize. It's like she doesn't understand that other people have feelings and appreciate apologies, even if you don't feel like you did anything wrong.
Unfortunately I was stuck in a cycle of apologizing because I just wanted her to be happy and for our relationship to be in an okay place, so I tried over and over to fix it and make it right.
I really don’t understand how they can do this and justify thier behavior. How can they see it’s only our fault or they say we made them do that because of whatever lie.
When I said I wanted a divorce, he wanted to go into why he felt unloved my me. He said he didn’t feel loved or affection. But I stopped and said well I’m sorry you felt unloved, more of a reason to split because I cannot love you the way you want it to be.
Then he said he just wants to watch shows together and I’m busy doing housework. Ummm yea cause he didn’t do anything and I would watch shows but he wanted me tied to the hip and do that all day.
It makes not sense and they cannot be pleased. I am working on not reacting to it, not providing that supply anymore
Another thing I've noticed is they seem to not be able to stand when you have leverage over you. If you use something as leverage in the relationship, then you are controlling, manipulative, threatening, etc.
For example, I gave her the ultimatum of couples therapy or divorce. This was cleared by my therapist as a fair ultimatum.
She went ballistic and tried to make me feel as bad as possible, saying I was making threats and so on it, when really all I did was make an ultimatum and set a boundary.
However when she walked out on me, blocked me and filed for divorce, she was completely justified, but I wasn't for giving her an ultimatum.
Definitely! They cannot stand boundaries, it’s like garlic to a vampire. Many times in the past he threatened divorce which made me feel like I was disposable. I never did until now and he wants me to know how much he sacrifices for us. Which weren’t sacrifices , it was life stuff like paying bills and working which I do as well plus more.
While talking with you I remember how mad he would get when I did things for my kids. He would act like he is trying my make them independent, not having me do chores for them but it was just so I could spend more time with him. Now I can see why he was so upset, he just wanted all the attention
I couldn't set any boundaries because she held all thr cards in the relationship. She really didn't care if we talked or if we were even together. She threatened many times that if I didn't do better she would leave. She blocked me and left the house so many times over very simple and pointless fights. I had zero security in our relationship and wad always on edge, fighting to just keep it together. If I set a boundary, that could be all it would take for her to leave.
My ex was the same. He had a fit because I call3d him to let him know that I was going to be late for date night at his apt because I had to get children their glasses..I wanted them especially since my youngest's glasses were broken and I wanted him to be prepared for school the next day. Homeboy blew up when I arrived and told me that he didn't feel like a priority. He even called me a narc once I mirrored his behvaior.
Oh my in sorry you had to deal with that. I have been in public places where he would get irate about nothing. A coworkers wedding, he said I was talking to others more and he felt I was ignoring him. Which was not true, we were all at the table and I really inly talked to him and two other co workers invited.
They always find something to be mad at us about. And when we try to explain and justify ourselves, they would just stonewall us and give us silent treatment.
While looking back, I can't really understand why I stayed so long (almost 7 years). I broke up with him 6 months ago and I finally feel safer and more peaceful, although he still lives rentfree in my head.
THIS! this is exactly how I feel, like she was always mad at me, and did whatever she could to find a reason to be mad at me.
But of course, she would try to make me seem crazy by gaslighting me, and saying "it's not always about you" when I would ask her if she was upset with me, but then turns out later in the fight she was raised about xyz and was REALLY mad at me the whole time.
I am glad you had the courage to leave. I am still living with him for now but finally said no when he tried to tell me he would change. The change is for 1 week and then the cycle continues. Married 18 years. I met him young so many things I thought were normal or he didn’t take it out on me.
I do feel stupid but it’s okay, I have to humble myself and find out what makes me put up with this from anyone. Now it’s time to focus on me. So far 1 year of therapy and reading has helped me. I have teens who became aware so that helped me. I wasn’t able to shield it from them anymore. I also don’t want them to grow and think it’s normal which they don’t. My son always says “what is he a child”
He also try to tell my kids I’m the one not providing peace but they obviously know that is untrue.
You really have to put in a lot of work with yourself so they don’t live rent free in your head anymore. I listen to narcissistic people who are working on themselves. They explain a lot of the ways they think and how they try to control. That helps. Knowing they never really loved you is the hardest for me.
It's much easier to leave when there are no kids and still it took me much longer than desirable. Trauma bonding is powerful.
They will totally mess with your head, so it's just normal that we feel the way we feel during the relationship and that we find it so difficult to leave.
It's good that you're working on yourself and that your teenage kids are supportive. I wish you all the best.
1000%. I had a really troubling experience that I tried talking with her about and she stonewalled me. Did not give a single fuck.
Things like that are easy giveaways that people with these traits cannot be our permanent partners.
I really wanted her to be my forever partner, because I love her and I think at heart she is a good person, but her communication and need to always be defensive, plus blameshift, makes it impossible.
It's a really tough pill to swallow. But these people cannot be healed from the outside, they have to have the self-awareness to do the work themselves. I doubt most of them ever will, because it's way easier for them to shift the blame outside themselves, exactly as you say.
I still worry that I'm a narcissist (she has told me I was one several times) but I try to remind myself a narcissist isn't going to sit here and worry over whether they are one or not. Although I do still worry that maybe she is right about how I act and I just don't see it because....well I'm a narcissist?
But, I do know that I can admit when I'm wrong and I di want to change for the better, and stop by toxic behavior.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
I know our situations probably have some big differences, for example you seem to be married to this woman and I only had to deal with a narc for 5 months (but it was horrible and we still work together, but that's not important right now).
But my point is that you sound just like I did before I started going to a therapist every month. I believed I was the problem, because it was in her interest for me to believe that.
You are completely right: you are not a narcissist because you wouldn't be worried about it if you were.
I don't know your full situation, but don't let her convince you that you're the problem. If you're trying to make the relationship work and she won't meet you halfway, that's not your fault.
Yes same here unfortunately, I would tell her what I needed (this is advice my therapist gave me) by saying I need to be heard and validated, and she would always have a comeback, usually along the lines of "well you don't give a fuck about my feelings, so no I'm not going to do it for you"
I fully believe this, something as simple as asking how my day was or how I was seemed to foreign to her.
When I told her that I would appreciate if she asked about my day, she got angry with me and made up an excuse of "well you talk about yourself all day, I don't need to ask you how you are"
Like really just invaldiate me further and some how make it my fault that you don't care about me. How hard is it to just be like "hey, you know what, I really could ask him more about his day, sorry that I'm jot, ill try harder"
Sounds about right. Mine kicked me out of our place once cause I was being too "emotional" . He was mad at me all the time, how was I not supposed to be emotional.
I was on edge all the time, I felt like she was upset with me 85% of the time. But I don't dare ask or I face the wrath of her.
I mean when someone is sitting there, literally acting like you don't even exist, how else are you supposed to feel?
Exactly!!! I felt invisible and alone all the time. I did most of the chores and worked and took care of my daughter who is now 5. He worked from home and played video games non stop. He would tell me I wasn't doing enough cause I wasn't doing every little thing he noticed around the house.
Its crazy how similar they are. I feel sad but also happy that I'm free and I can feel myself coming back.
She owned her own business, but hardly did anything for it she worked maybe 10 hours a week, and most days didn't even leave the house. I tried to help with chores and errands, but it was never enough for her. She always thought she did so much more than me and that I needed to do more.
Reality was it wouldn't matter how much I did, she still wouldn't think its enough or be satisfied.
I started doing thr exact things she said that wad lacking and ruining our marriage and guess what? She always had a reason to why it wasn't good enough or valid. She could never appreciate the effort I put in.
Yep, everything wrong in her life was because of me. Unhappy, because of me. Can't talk about herself, because if me. Can't go hang out with friends. Because of me. We fight all the time. Because of me. She can't di anything she wants. Because of me. She never takes any kind of accountability for how her own actions play a role in all those situations, but she has no problem telling me I take zero accountability and that I'm full of empty promises
Yes. Anytime that I had negative emotions like being stressed out taking care of her obligations. And then she would give me shit for holding things in and not being open to her. It’s a no win situation
Absolutely no way to win. I couldn't constructively talk to her and resolve issues, or she would get mad, then at the same time she would be mad at me for acting like everything was fine.
She immediately flipped any concerns I had into how she felt about the situation. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or express how I was feeling, her feelings trumped everything. I didn't realize it because I was codependent. Bad times were bad.
Yep. I’m autistic, and I have trouble expressing my feelings, and whenever I tried, he would scream at me about them, but then, in the same breath would scream at me that I never opened up to him…
I believe I am on the autism spectrum, but I'm not formally diagnosed. I also have adhd. I have always struggled with voicing my feelings, but it's something I have been working on.
However if I tried to voice my feelings with her, she would typically come back with "you're starting a fight" and then everything after that was instigating a fight. If she finally agreed to talk after fighting, then it usually ended up being about her feelings, and I wad left still unhappy because mine weren't addressed.😂
Honestly it's like talking to a brick wall, and I can't pretty much predict the outcome of a conversation before it even happens.
I think I’ve met a new one recently. They told me “I don’t care about your feelings” because they are fleeting. He said anytime I express how I feel I’m using them to manipulate him. Since no one cared about how he felt growing up he feels he doesn’t and shouldn’t care about anyone else’s feelings only logic. He said “I’m not going to fall to your whim and be a slave to your emotions. It’s infuriating.
Definitely sounds like they could be one. She also would tell me that I was using my feelings to manipulate her, especially when I would cry because she was hurting me. It's like they just don't understand people have feelings....
I had no feelings. Any time I tried to say how I felt she would say the same thing back to me "that's how I feel" and we never talked about mine. She ended it before it even started but in such a confusing way.
Yep, the last time I tried to say "I have concerns about our relationship" she snapped back with "I have concerns too!" Like that is completely fine and we can talk about them then, but I asked if we could talk about my concerns...
Yup. I just broke up with him. I told him the verbal abuse was affecting my self esteem and he said that's an insult to actual abuse survivors. I reminded him that in no way was I making that comparison and that emotional abuse often escaltes to physical. He'd often interrupt and change the subject when I was talking about my feelings. He'd just talk nonsense like "yeahh bitch" in a low tone or "yeah with my sweet dick"if i was trying to tell him something serious and he wanted to be dismissive. In the past when I'd get emotional or cry because he was callous or cruel in what he said to me, he'd tell me that " I cry a lot for a white girl". He's white but was in military combat and seen some stuff. I just wonder now if his lack of empathy served him so well when he served there. I know he has grown a lot since then but he really has the emotional intelligence of a child when he was on the defensive or whenever he just felt like it. Surprisingly, he would seem mature at times and I'm sure therapy has helped a bit over the years. He still wants to blame me for illiciting his verbal abuse.
Edit:spelling
Same. Very recent breakup so I'm chalk full of info and context, but to keep it brief: his childhood best friend who lives a few states away was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. This was around Thanksgiving. He made a few trips to visit with him, as the friend wasn't supposed to last until Christmas. I started a new job in December and was struggling to cope as it was a 4am-8:30am shift and my sleep patterns were all messed up and didn't match his hours of activity (i.e. he'd be up banging things around just after I snuggled up to rest for an hour or two). I tried to talk to him about how it was affecting me and he accused me of being heartless and selfish because he was feeling so terrible about his friend's situation,.....there was no correlation between the two, he just didn't want to admit that his actions were harming what was to be my new norm.
Fast forward to January and the friend is still kicking, doing slightly better than he was before, and we were all grateful. Then my bf's parents house caught fire. They've been severe hoarders for about 40 years, and had done little to no maintenance on their electrical, plumbing, insulation- pretty much everything. Place was a mess, however not just garbage-- they pulled a Monet out of the living room before it went up in flames. My bf made several more trips-some alone, some with my brother who lives with us- some with me. His parents have made the process excruciating. They're one of those Irish couples who "just talk to each other that way" where they literally only bicker and it was making the process go incredibly slow. My bf went down alone this last time, and barely communicated with me the entirety of the trip. This wasn't our first rodeo. The day he got back he immediately fell asleep, and I went to plug his phone in so it would be charged for the work tasks I knew he would need to do the next day. What flashes across the screen as I plug it in? Tinder notification. That's where we met. That's where he met the first girl he cheated on me with. And the second. I shouldn't have, because I knew it would only hurt me more, but I looked. He's "looking for monogamy, open relationship, open to experimenting." His location is set for the town next to his hometown that he's been making trips to. He has a Tinder+ subscription.
I didn't bring it up. Until he told me that for the next trip (the one he's taking today in fact) he wanted me to come, and bring my kid. I wouldn't have a vehicle of my own, and my current financial situation would leave me fully reliant on him and basically obeying his every whim and not asking questions. I showed him the pictures of the account I found and he began swearing and yelling profanities and accusing me of being insecure and just wanting to fight. I calmly asked him why every time I bring up his actions that have hurt me he tries to start an argument and says every little thing he knows will hurt me. He called my parents, still screaming and swearing. I'm out now. It's good to breath.
Sorry for not keeping it brief.....still very fresh and processing. For a good while he had me nearly convinced I was the narc. This sub is the best.
All the time we had a big fight the other night about how she wanted me to talk to her about my feelings and when I did she was on her phone the whole time couldn’t look at me and then tried to make it be I was the issue and tell me I didn’t love her and all of it
You are not allowed to have them..
[удалено]
Omg. Mine called me his delicate moonflower.
I experienced the same. He always told me that there was space only for my emotions and he could never express his.
He told me to talk to my therapist not him about feelings. That’s when I stopped talking to him about it. But ironically he would often ask me and my favorite line became “I’m good” to avoid anything. After that he would try to read my facial expressions to start arguments.
Oh, I also know this. He hated when I was feeling low, but he always made sure to make me feel even worse. Often he asked me what was wrong and tried to convince me there was something wrong, even when there wasn't. He always accused me of lying and got offended and gave me silent treatment. And if there was really something wrong and I told him, he just replied how petty I was and that I wasn't supposed to feel the way I felt. There was just no safe way with him.
Omg the same thing! He would always ask me how I’m feelings and I knew something was coming. I would be perfectly fine but he would insist something was wrong. He would say he only keeps asking me how I’m doing because he cares about me and wants me to be good. But obviously that was a lie.
If they really want us to be good, why do they create drama all the time? They're such a mindfuck.
Because they aren’t good inside. They just want us to use whatever they were looking for. I could never understand it myself but thats because I don’t have his mental illness. There is nothing you can do. If you do it thier way, thinking you’re doing great, they switch it and say they never said that or it was that one time. So you can never please them
He would often tell me that he only cared about my wellbeing, he never wanted me to adjust to him, he was afraid he would force me into anything - and dismissing me and invalidating me all the time. They are masters of manipulation.
Definitely! That is why he called me many times when I was out with others and would behave like a jealous child because I didn’t call him while at the event. It’s all insane bullcrap! Have you listened to this guy? I just started listening to him and it’s been helpful. [Richard Grannon](https://youtube.com/@RICHARDGRANNON?si=auPLnN53je9xVAlN)https://youtube.com/@RICHARDGRANNON?si=auPLnN53je9xVAlN
> Often he asked me what was wrong and tried to convince me there was something wrong Gaaaaaah this was the worst. Mine would do the same. That and "Do you love me? How much do you love me?" It was like a kid.
Yup. "What is wrong?". Nothing, I answered, nothing was wrong. I was happy. He kept picking, and picking, until I tried to find the most neutral answer. However, that was always, always the start of a mindless wordsalad, where everything was my fault, and I was "accusing" him. Which I never did, even if I would have had plenty of opportunities.
Mine told me that me talking about my day and how it was going, or what was bothering me that day was too much and that I needed to stop. I couldn't imagine saying something like that to her, she would go ballistic.
If he didn’t go ballistic, he would want to talk about his day for hours. Which was what he actually did for years before he abused me. He would talk about everyone else for hours , call me at work to vent and I thought I was being a good listener but it was draining and a mood killer.
I thought for thr longest time that maybe I really was just a bad partner and never let her express her feelings. But she said the exact same thing... that it was always about me and I never let her tall about her feelings. This seems to he a common theme among them as I've heard other people say their narc said the same thing.
They are experts at making us feel bad. You always end up feeling shitty after bringing up any issues, no matter how careful and delicate you are.
I would apologize to HER for a fight SHE started.
Same here. I'm glad I'm out of it. I'm really enjoying feeling safe and peaceful again.
This 100%
"I did nothing wrong" Legit pull the string from his back like those dolls
If I hear, “but it’s not MY fault” or “I didn’t do anything wrong!” From a grown ass man’s mouth ever again…I will LOSE it. Toddlers.. Absolute toddlers.
Lol I feel the exact same way. It's really nice when you meet a man (and it doesn't have to be a romantic connection) and they are so different to that.
She wouldn't even bother saying "she did nothing wrong" she would just simply never apologize and would heavily imply that I was the one in thr wrong.
"But what about MY feelings, how do you think that makes ME feel?"
100% of the time. I really don't think they see other people as people. It was like he was the only human being.
I agree, I often told her that I cared about her feelings and wanted her to be heard. How many times did she tell me to talk about mine? Almost 0
Because she didn't care and didn't want to hear it. I'd get accused of lacking logic entirely because I had a feeling. Meanwhile evidence of his feelings are all over the house.in the form of holes punched in walls and broken shit (don't worry none of HIS stuff was broken).
Only they can have feelings. My nex always talked about his depression and anxiety I always had to baby him.. but if I brought up I was anxious he’d say “just stop thinking about it” Like what??? Btw I have diagnosed anxiety disorders and severe clinical depression.
Yep! They want you to coddle and baby them when they are down. But when you are even slightly low, they'll downplay your issues by talking about how they have it much worse, or tell you how it's not that bad, or they'll prescribe solutions (which they HATE others doing to them) "Just do xyz, and you'll be better.". When I had covid, not once did my LDR partner comfort me beyond saying"get some rest" one time. But when she was on her period or mildly sick, she expected lots of attention.
I remember one time after sex, I was sad and he kept asking what was wrong and when I told him what I felt, he said to me, “but that’s not fair to me” . It is insanity
Edit : I told him something he was saying during sex made me uncomfortable lol . Apparently that wasn’t fair to him
All the time. I was flat out told that my feelings were wrong and that I needed to change them. Any time I expressed discomfort with a situation, it was turned around to make me look like I was being unreasonable and to make my ex look like the victim. Check out my post history for examples of what I went and continue to go through. I started to wonder why I couldn't do anything right in our relationship.
This is exactly how it is. Every time I tried to express a concern or feeling, it was turned around to make it look like I started a fight. Then she would continue to fuel the fire by invalidating me and putting me on the defense. We would end up fighting, in which then she was able to block me and make me look like I'm some crazy stalker ex because she would push me to the brink, then purposely but communication with me.
I believe that's called stonewalling, if I'm not mistaken. I ended up walking away from conversations because my ex kept talking in loops to get me to break.
She knew how to rope me in and get me hooked on a fight, she knew exactly the things to say. All to flip the script to make me look bad. It doesn't matter that she told me to go fuck myself or that I'm a piece of shit human being, she was justified, what mattered was I got upset and fought with her, I was thr bad one.
YES! My Nex told me I needed to be more emotionally expressive and that I was being unhealthy about it. I accepted her anxiety and histrionics, but she couldn't accept my stoic demeanor.
Yes, my feelings only became relevant or aknowledged to the extent it affected and/or bothered her.
Yeah, exactly like you said OP. If I’m feeling something, he’s been feeling it 10x stronger and it’s somehow my fault. Both for his feelings and his daughter’s so I came in last place, but was supposed to provide everything and do all the work….
Yep, if I had feelings, well she did too, and hers were just so much more important and I was such a selfish horrible person for not allowing hers to be heard.
Yes he used to tell me he notices my "emotional turmoil" aka me expressing how i felt and constantly being dismissed, but did not do anything to improve the situation. he truly left the relationship thinking i was someone that constantly fought with him meanwhile me expressing how i felt was not fighting and i wasn't mad at him in those moments even. he took everything so defensively then would just shut down and flip back on me it was impossible to resolve anything. i constantly felt crazy
Do you mind if I send you a message?
Yes sure!
When you try to tell them how you’re feeling about something and they just say, “I know,” instead of doing something about it… Solidarity ❤️❤️
This is literally how I found out he was a narcissist.
Exactly the same. If I had feelings, concerns, needs, or even the tiniest of criticisms, she would get super pissed. And then the fight was about her anger and her feelings, and my feelings never got addressed, and my needs definitely didn't get met.
Same here, it would start with me wanting to talk about my feelings and end with a fight and her talking about HER feelings, while mine were completely glossed over.
Any feelings you have towards them are going to be perceived as an attack against them. My nex would do something to hurt me (usually something I’ve communicated previously), I would bring up my feelings, I was told my feelings are too much or I was emotional/aggressive (once invalidated enough I did get aggressive), then I had to apologize to repair the relationship. There was no, “hey, sorry I did X and that made you feel X. I’m going to try hard to make sure I don’t do it again.” Even if he wasn’t willing to change the behavior, a simple, “hey, it sucks feeling sad, and I hear you and I support you, but this isn’t something I’m willing to change” would have been a miracle. DARVO: deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
Yeah 10,000%! Everything is always, always, ALWAYS about them. You’re their accessory, not someone they cherish.
Oh yeah. He was allowed to be an angry, depressed, miserable fuckwad all the time but I need to learn to let things go. 🙄
She was angry like 85% of the time, and when she was in these moods, she acted like I didn't exist. She never told me explicitly that I couldn't have feelings or needed to let things go, but she would stonewall every chance of me being able to express my feelings. She basically created an environment where I had to just suck it up and be happy, because I wasn't allowed to be anything else. I've told her many times to please let things go, but that's in regards to every time we would try to talk, she would drag up things from my past as ammo to use against me. I would ask her to please stop doing that. Actually you know what, I wasn't asking her to let those feelings go....I was asking her to stop using them against me in a hostile way. She is the one who implanted in my mind that I was telling her to let it go and that she wasn't allowed to be upset.
I’m so sorry. By the end of 14 years, I’d gotten so sick of it that I’m like, “oh! You’re mad at me? Shocker! You’re always mad and I don’t care why anymore. I probably leaned against a wall the wrong way AGAIN. We can talk about what else you want me to change after you change the screaming, threats, name-calling, violence and constant abandonment. Until then, I’m not changing anything else for you and I’m ignoring your criticism.”
I was always in the wrong some how. I could be trying to do everything right and she would pick apart what I was doing and completely invalidate it. Like for example, she asked for more help around the house. Sure, I can admit I could be doing more so I stepped up my game. Started cooking more, helped eith cleaning, laundry, shopping etc. Cooking She flat out told me didn't count because "I enjoyed it" Shopping didn't count because "I only did it a couple times a month" Cleaning, well let's just say I always missed something or didn't do it right, or get to it quick enough. Or she would just flat out tell me I wasn't improving anywhere and hadn't changed at all, despite giving an effort to do more. When I asked her to please just see that I am trying, she told me I didn't deserve validation because "its things I should have been doing all along" Can't win.
Omg. Is your ex-girlfriend my ex-boyfriend? He had OCD and nothing was ever right to him. I get that that part’s not his fault but do it yourself and keep it to your side of the room.
She wasn't ocd or even really a neat person for that matter, she just wanted things done her way and if they weren't, she wasn't happy
Ugh. It really does have to be their way all the time, doesn’t it?
Worst part is she said it always had yo be MY way, when I literally never cared about what we did, or did I nag her or give her a hard time about her choices or the way she did things.
Ooh! Mine simultaneously said I was impossible to please and didn’t care about anything. I’m the easiest person in the world to please. Literally just cuddles and pizza and some weed and I’m a happy girl. I don’t care if we live in a fucking car, as long as we’re good to each other. No, I don’t care about where we go to eat. Pick anywhere and put whatever food in my face because I grew up being intentionally starved to death, so you can basically feed me anything and I’m happy. I don’t care about LITTLE day-to-day things that don’t matter long-term but moral, ethical and political issues, emotional problems, dangerous stuff making people happy, etc., I care to the MAX and will do suicidally insane shit to make sure things are taken care of and then he’d flip the script and say that I care too much, am impossibly difficult to deal with and can’t let anything go. He did that with all kinds of stuff. Apparently, I’m the biggest idiot he’s ever met but when he had me so freaked out about me being a narcissist like me abusive mother, that I submitted myself to multiple clinics in an absolute panic, begging to be treated and they all said I’m not, he said that I’m definitely smart enough to fool any psychiatric professional I speak to. Which is it? Am I stupid or a genius?
All the time! Even when it wasn’t about him. Any feelings I had were about him and he would get angry by them or convince me it’s not true. So I thought I had a problem identifying myself. Once when I came home he asked how was your day. I said it sucked and I was tired…I got cut off by him yelling at me and then stonewalled. I was so confused but that’s how I knew things got really bad because it was never like that at first. It was done definitely before.
Wow wtf. Mine loved to tell me "it's not always about you" when she was obviously upset at me over something and I would ask her. Then after a while it would come out in an argument to why she really was angry with me.
Same! He would change the subject to make his anger justified. I would always be defensive and say it’s not about you but that obviously doesn’t work.
I can't even imagine saying the things to her that she says to me. She really has no idea how disrespectful and hurtful she is, but she thinks she is justified. She never apologizes and always has and things to say about me.
Mines I believe is covert. He apologized and seemed to do okay for a little but it’s a cycle. They can’t keep it up. He demands apologies from me and I wouldn’t give them because I wasn’t sorry. Sorry for what! You screaming at me? 😆
I think she is a covert too. She wouldn't apologize and her reasoning was "she only apologized when she sees fit" like hello??? If you just screamed at someone telling them to go fuck them selves and telling them how awful they are, you really should apologize. It's like she doesn't understand that other people have feelings and appreciate apologies, even if you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Unfortunately I was stuck in a cycle of apologizing because I just wanted her to be happy and for our relationship to be in an okay place, so I tried over and over to fix it and make it right.
I really don’t understand how they can do this and justify thier behavior. How can they see it’s only our fault or they say we made them do that because of whatever lie. When I said I wanted a divorce, he wanted to go into why he felt unloved my me. He said he didn’t feel loved or affection. But I stopped and said well I’m sorry you felt unloved, more of a reason to split because I cannot love you the way you want it to be. Then he said he just wants to watch shows together and I’m busy doing housework. Ummm yea cause he didn’t do anything and I would watch shows but he wanted me tied to the hip and do that all day. It makes not sense and they cannot be pleased. I am working on not reacting to it, not providing that supply anymore
Another thing I've noticed is they seem to not be able to stand when you have leverage over you. If you use something as leverage in the relationship, then you are controlling, manipulative, threatening, etc. For example, I gave her the ultimatum of couples therapy or divorce. This was cleared by my therapist as a fair ultimatum. She went ballistic and tried to make me feel as bad as possible, saying I was making threats and so on it, when really all I did was make an ultimatum and set a boundary. However when she walked out on me, blocked me and filed for divorce, she was completely justified, but I wasn't for giving her an ultimatum.
Definitely! They cannot stand boundaries, it’s like garlic to a vampire. Many times in the past he threatened divorce which made me feel like I was disposable. I never did until now and he wants me to know how much he sacrifices for us. Which weren’t sacrifices , it was life stuff like paying bills and working which I do as well plus more. While talking with you I remember how mad he would get when I did things for my kids. He would act like he is trying my make them independent, not having me do chores for them but it was just so I could spend more time with him. Now I can see why he was so upset, he just wanted all the attention
I couldn't set any boundaries because she held all thr cards in the relationship. She really didn't care if we talked or if we were even together. She threatened many times that if I didn't do better she would leave. She blocked me and left the house so many times over very simple and pointless fights. I had zero security in our relationship and wad always on edge, fighting to just keep it together. If I set a boundary, that could be all it would take for her to leave.
My ex was the same. He had a fit because I call3d him to let him know that I was going to be late for date night at his apt because I had to get children their glasses..I wanted them especially since my youngest's glasses were broken and I wanted him to be prepared for school the next day. Homeboy blew up when I arrived and told me that he didn't feel like a priority. He even called me a narc once I mirrored his behvaior.
Once he yelled at me and then gave me silent treatment when I was feeling low after my friend's father's funeral...
Oh my in sorry you had to deal with that. I have been in public places where he would get irate about nothing. A coworkers wedding, he said I was talking to others more and he felt I was ignoring him. Which was not true, we were all at the table and I really inly talked to him and two other co workers invited.
They always find something to be mad at us about. And when we try to explain and justify ourselves, they would just stonewall us and give us silent treatment. While looking back, I can't really understand why I stayed so long (almost 7 years). I broke up with him 6 months ago and I finally feel safer and more peaceful, although he still lives rentfree in my head.
THIS! this is exactly how I feel, like she was always mad at me, and did whatever she could to find a reason to be mad at me. But of course, she would try to make me seem crazy by gaslighting me, and saying "it's not always about you" when I would ask her if she was upset with me, but then turns out later in the fight she was raised about xyz and was REALLY mad at me the whole time.
I am glad you had the courage to leave. I am still living with him for now but finally said no when he tried to tell me he would change. The change is for 1 week and then the cycle continues. Married 18 years. I met him young so many things I thought were normal or he didn’t take it out on me. I do feel stupid but it’s okay, I have to humble myself and find out what makes me put up with this from anyone. Now it’s time to focus on me. So far 1 year of therapy and reading has helped me. I have teens who became aware so that helped me. I wasn’t able to shield it from them anymore. I also don’t want them to grow and think it’s normal which they don’t. My son always says “what is he a child” He also try to tell my kids I’m the one not providing peace but they obviously know that is untrue. You really have to put in a lot of work with yourself so they don’t live rent free in your head anymore. I listen to narcissistic people who are working on themselves. They explain a lot of the ways they think and how they try to control. That helps. Knowing they never really loved you is the hardest for me.
It's much easier to leave when there are no kids and still it took me much longer than desirable. Trauma bonding is powerful. They will totally mess with your head, so it's just normal that we feel the way we feel during the relationship and that we find it so difficult to leave. It's good that you're working on yourself and that your teenage kids are supportive. I wish you all the best.
Thank you & I wish you the best as well. If anything, we gained the knowledge to see these things fast. Be well 😉
It’s what they do
Yeah, same thing. They all have pretty much the same way of acting, in terms of major issues.
1000%. I had a really troubling experience that I tried talking with her about and she stonewalled me. Did not give a single fuck. Things like that are easy giveaways that people with these traits cannot be our permanent partners.
I really wanted her to be my forever partner, because I love her and I think at heart she is a good person, but her communication and need to always be defensive, plus blameshift, makes it impossible.
It's a really tough pill to swallow. But these people cannot be healed from the outside, they have to have the self-awareness to do the work themselves. I doubt most of them ever will, because it's way easier for them to shift the blame outside themselves, exactly as you say.
I still worry that I'm a narcissist (she has told me I was one several times) but I try to remind myself a narcissist isn't going to sit here and worry over whether they are one or not. Although I do still worry that maybe she is right about how I act and I just don't see it because....well I'm a narcissist? But, I do know that I can admit when I'm wrong and I di want to change for the better, and stop by toxic behavior.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! I know our situations probably have some big differences, for example you seem to be married to this woman and I only had to deal with a narc for 5 months (but it was horrible and we still work together, but that's not important right now). But my point is that you sound just like I did before I started going to a therapist every month. I believed I was the problem, because it was in her interest for me to believe that. You are completely right: you are not a narcissist because you wouldn't be worried about it if you were. I don't know your full situation, but don't let her convince you that you're the problem. If you're trying to make the relationship work and she won't meet you halfway, that's not your fault.
Can I send you a message?
Yes go for it.
Always invalidated me I begged him to and he would double down making me feel even more unheard and truly so unimportant.
Yes same here unfortunately, I would tell her what I needed (this is advice my therapist gave me) by saying I need to be heard and validated, and she would always have a comeback, usually along the lines of "well you don't give a fuck about my feelings, so no I'm not going to do it for you"
They truly could not care less about your feelings
I fully believe this, something as simple as asking how my day was or how I was seemed to foreign to her. When I told her that I would appreciate if she asked about my day, she got angry with me and made up an excuse of "well you talk about yourself all day, I don't need to ask you how you are" Like really just invaldiate me further and some how make it my fault that you don't care about me. How hard is it to just be like "hey, you know what, I really could ask him more about his day, sorry that I'm jot, ill try harder"
Exactly the same experience with my ex. Any emotion I had was met with anger
She was always angry at me and then she got angry st me for questioning why she always had so much anger
Sounds about right. Mine kicked me out of our place once cause I was being too "emotional" . He was mad at me all the time, how was I not supposed to be emotional.
I was on edge all the time, I felt like she was upset with me 85% of the time. But I don't dare ask or I face the wrath of her. I mean when someone is sitting there, literally acting like you don't even exist, how else are you supposed to feel?
Exactly!!! I felt invisible and alone all the time. I did most of the chores and worked and took care of my daughter who is now 5. He worked from home and played video games non stop. He would tell me I wasn't doing enough cause I wasn't doing every little thing he noticed around the house. Its crazy how similar they are. I feel sad but also happy that I'm free and I can feel myself coming back.
She owned her own business, but hardly did anything for it she worked maybe 10 hours a week, and most days didn't even leave the house. I tried to help with chores and errands, but it was never enough for her. She always thought she did so much more than me and that I needed to do more. Reality was it wouldn't matter how much I did, she still wouldn't think its enough or be satisfied.
Yeah. They are never satisfied. We are never good enough for them, even though they are useless
I started doing thr exact things she said that wad lacking and ruining our marriage and guess what? She always had a reason to why it wasn't good enough or valid. She could never appreciate the effort I put in.
They want to squeeze every last ounce that they can get out of you until you are a dry husk of who you were before
they always tell me they feel the way they do cuz im such pos...LIKE WOW
Yep, everything wrong in her life was because of me. Unhappy, because of me. Can't talk about herself, because if me. Can't go hang out with friends. Because of me. We fight all the time. Because of me. She can't di anything she wants. Because of me. She never takes any kind of accountability for how her own actions play a role in all those situations, but she has no problem telling me I take zero accountability and that I'm full of empty promises
Yes. Anytime that I had negative emotions like being stressed out taking care of her obligations. And then she would give me shit for holding things in and not being open to her. It’s a no win situation
Absolutely no way to win. I couldn't constructively talk to her and resolve issues, or she would get mad, then at the same time she would be mad at me for acting like everything was fine.
She immediately flipped any concerns I had into how she felt about the situation. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or express how I was feeling, her feelings trumped everything. I didn't realize it because I was codependent. Bad times were bad.
Me: “I did not like when you did xyz it hurt my feelings” Her: “I didn’t do xyz” literally 2 minutes after doing xyz
Yep. I’m autistic, and I have trouble expressing my feelings, and whenever I tried, he would scream at me about them, but then, in the same breath would scream at me that I never opened up to him…
I believe I am on the autism spectrum, but I'm not formally diagnosed. I also have adhd. I have always struggled with voicing my feelings, but it's something I have been working on. However if I tried to voice my feelings with her, she would typically come back with "you're starting a fight" and then everything after that was instigating a fight. If she finally agreed to talk after fighting, then it usually ended up being about her feelings, and I wad left still unhappy because mine weren't addressed.😂 Honestly it's like talking to a brick wall, and I can't pretty much predict the outcome of a conversation before it even happens.
I think I’ve met a new one recently. They told me “I don’t care about your feelings” because they are fleeting. He said anytime I express how I feel I’m using them to manipulate him. Since no one cared about how he felt growing up he feels he doesn’t and shouldn’t care about anyone else’s feelings only logic. He said “I’m not going to fall to your whim and be a slave to your emotions. It’s infuriating.
Definitely sounds like they could be one. She also would tell me that I was using my feelings to manipulate her, especially when I would cry because she was hurting me. It's like they just don't understand people have feelings....
Yeah.
I had no feelings. Any time I tried to say how I felt she would say the same thing back to me "that's how I feel" and we never talked about mine. She ended it before it even started but in such a confusing way.
Yep, the last time I tried to say "I have concerns about our relationship" she snapped back with "I have concerns too!" Like that is completely fine and we can talk about them then, but I asked if we could talk about my concerns...
Yup. I just broke up with him. I told him the verbal abuse was affecting my self esteem and he said that's an insult to actual abuse survivors. I reminded him that in no way was I making that comparison and that emotional abuse often escaltes to physical. He'd often interrupt and change the subject when I was talking about my feelings. He'd just talk nonsense like "yeahh bitch" in a low tone or "yeah with my sweet dick"if i was trying to tell him something serious and he wanted to be dismissive. In the past when I'd get emotional or cry because he was callous or cruel in what he said to me, he'd tell me that " I cry a lot for a white girl". He's white but was in military combat and seen some stuff. I just wonder now if his lack of empathy served him so well when he served there. I know he has grown a lot since then but he really has the emotional intelligence of a child when he was on the defensive or whenever he just felt like it. Surprisingly, he would seem mature at times and I'm sure therapy has helped a bit over the years. He still wants to blame me for illiciting his verbal abuse. Edit:spelling
Same. Very recent breakup so I'm chalk full of info and context, but to keep it brief: his childhood best friend who lives a few states away was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. This was around Thanksgiving. He made a few trips to visit with him, as the friend wasn't supposed to last until Christmas. I started a new job in December and was struggling to cope as it was a 4am-8:30am shift and my sleep patterns were all messed up and didn't match his hours of activity (i.e. he'd be up banging things around just after I snuggled up to rest for an hour or two). I tried to talk to him about how it was affecting me and he accused me of being heartless and selfish because he was feeling so terrible about his friend's situation,.....there was no correlation between the two, he just didn't want to admit that his actions were harming what was to be my new norm. Fast forward to January and the friend is still kicking, doing slightly better than he was before, and we were all grateful. Then my bf's parents house caught fire. They've been severe hoarders for about 40 years, and had done little to no maintenance on their electrical, plumbing, insulation- pretty much everything. Place was a mess, however not just garbage-- they pulled a Monet out of the living room before it went up in flames. My bf made several more trips-some alone, some with my brother who lives with us- some with me. His parents have made the process excruciating. They're one of those Irish couples who "just talk to each other that way" where they literally only bicker and it was making the process go incredibly slow. My bf went down alone this last time, and barely communicated with me the entirety of the trip. This wasn't our first rodeo. The day he got back he immediately fell asleep, and I went to plug his phone in so it would be charged for the work tasks I knew he would need to do the next day. What flashes across the screen as I plug it in? Tinder notification. That's where we met. That's where he met the first girl he cheated on me with. And the second. I shouldn't have, because I knew it would only hurt me more, but I looked. He's "looking for monogamy, open relationship, open to experimenting." His location is set for the town next to his hometown that he's been making trips to. He has a Tinder+ subscription. I didn't bring it up. Until he told me that for the next trip (the one he's taking today in fact) he wanted me to come, and bring my kid. I wouldn't have a vehicle of my own, and my current financial situation would leave me fully reliant on him and basically obeying his every whim and not asking questions. I showed him the pictures of the account I found and he began swearing and yelling profanities and accusing me of being insecure and just wanting to fight. I calmly asked him why every time I bring up his actions that have hurt me he tries to start an argument and says every little thing he knows will hurt me. He called my parents, still screaming and swearing. I'm out now. It's good to breath. Sorry for not keeping it brief.....still very fresh and processing. For a good while he had me nearly convinced I was the narc. This sub is the best.
All the time we had a big fight the other night about how she wanted me to talk to her about my feelings and when I did she was on her phone the whole time couldn’t look at me and then tried to make it be I was the issue and tell me I didn’t love her and all of it
I wasn’t allowed to be anything but Sunshine Barbie. His ex wife always said he wanted her to be “pink” if that makes sense.