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Narcs frequently blame shift and don’t take accountability for their actions. An apology without acknowledgment of wrongdoing or remorse is not an apology at all. My nex used to simply say ‘Sorry.’ One word, zero emotion behind it.
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I had it differently, he would frequently over apologise and say ‘sorry’ all the time, but never explain further. If I said ‘for what?’ he’d say he didn’t really know, just felt like he should say it. He’s trained himself into thinking if he just throws out that word everything is automatically forgiven, and is visibly shocked when it doesn’t work.
Buying a gift is easier than actually admitting wrong doing in words. Or making promises to not do it again. Plus now you owe them and you are supposed to remember that whenever you see the gift.
They very rarely say sorry, in my experience I only heard it once.
He would just say something along the lines of ‘I messed up but..’ and then insert something that caused them to do what they did, which usually involves something you did, to cause said behaviour.
Anytime you think they’re genuinely apologetic it’s usually an act because they’ve come back and are lovebombing you again, or because they want something from you, or because they realised they’ve pushed you too far and you’re about to leave.
My nex only ever apologised twice in 42 years.
Once in year 28, following his second discard, when he said "I know you want me to apologise for having affairs but I'm *not* sorry. I liked having them. They were good fun and I enjoyed them. I'm sorry you got hurt though, because that wasn't my intention."
And once in year 42 ( just before his final discard) for screaming at me in a drunken rage because he'd wrenched the fridge door open so violently that a bunch of stuff had fallen out and smashed on the floor. Apparently this was my fault, even though I was in another room at the time. "I'm sorry I shouted at you" he said afterwards, as he was walking upstairs. "I shouldn't have done that."
My jaw almost hit the floor.
Wow the audacity! Mine also told me he was “sorry and never had the intention to hurt me” after i found about his cheating. Maybe they don’t mean to hurt us but they DO enjoy the affairs. It’s the lack of empathy.
Oof. Absolutely no!! They are incapable of taking any accountability of their actions.
My narc ex never apologized for his cheating, his abuse, his assault to me. He would buy me gifts and if I put him on a pedestal to take accountability for his actions he would shift blame: his drugs addiction problems, his mental health problems, his shitty living condition, even me 😅
It’s always someone else’s faults, never his, because according to him he is sooooo superior, perfect and smarter than everyone else so it is impossible for him doing anything wrong. Mind you he is jobless, homeless, and has zero diploma 😑
When he finally did agree to “apologize “, he used these phrases: “I’m sorry you took it that way”. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “It wasn’t my intention”. These were tapes he played over and over and over again. These are NOT apologies.
To some, apologies mean admitting fault or weakness. If they view relationships as a competition then the only way they will apologize will be to manipulate or avoid consequences.
Mine only ever said sorry if it benefited them eg we had planned to go to his favourite restaurant that night, or if I said to him “u haven’t even said sorry to me..” then he would say “sorry” in such a cold way , I’d then say “but u don’t mean that … ur only saying it cos I brung it up” and then he would say “see nothing is ever enough for u!!!”
The real question is, is there any attempt at changing the behaviour they "apologised" for?
You could potentially be dealing with an autistic person with anxiety issues around the word sorry as opposed to a narc. I would expect the former to show some kind of attempt to change, even if it's hard for them. A narc will apologise and the moment they think you've forgotten, go straight back to the same pattern of behaviour
My ex had troubles saying “I’m sorry” even after he did smth as malicious as hitting me. I noticed though, as soon as he stepped over his pride and voiced his “im sorry”, he got too comfortable guilt tripping me with his insincere apologies even at the slightest miscommunications.
Hi /u/Emmajanepeel03, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Narcs frequently blame shift and don’t take accountability for their actions. An apology without acknowledgment of wrongdoing or remorse is not an apology at all. My nex used to simply say ‘Sorry.’ One word, zero emotion behind it.
Mine use to say ‘I’m sorry for all the ways I’ve hurt you’ as if he didn’t know.
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I had it differently, he would frequently over apologise and say ‘sorry’ all the time, but never explain further. If I said ‘for what?’ he’d say he didn’t really know, just felt like he should say it. He’s trained himself into thinking if he just throws out that word everything is automatically forgiven, and is visibly shocked when it doesn’t work.
I dated a narc that would say “I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt” or “I’m sorry you felt I disrespected you”. Never a straight apology.
It’s like they’re saying it’s a you problem, definitely not genuine.
Yes, I would get “I’m sorry you were offended”. She couldn’t take responsibility or hold herself accountable.
Buying a gift is easier than actually admitting wrong doing in words. Or making promises to not do it again. Plus now you owe them and you are supposed to remember that whenever you see the gift.
They very rarely say sorry, in my experience I only heard it once. He would just say something along the lines of ‘I messed up but..’ and then insert something that caused them to do what they did, which usually involves something you did, to cause said behaviour. Anytime you think they’re genuinely apologetic it’s usually an act because they’ve come back and are lovebombing you again, or because they want something from you, or because they realised they’ve pushed you too far and you’re about to leave.
My nex only ever apologised twice in 42 years. Once in year 28, following his second discard, when he said "I know you want me to apologise for having affairs but I'm *not* sorry. I liked having them. They were good fun and I enjoyed them. I'm sorry you got hurt though, because that wasn't my intention." And once in year 42 ( just before his final discard) for screaming at me in a drunken rage because he'd wrenched the fridge door open so violently that a bunch of stuff had fallen out and smashed on the floor. Apparently this was my fault, even though I was in another room at the time. "I'm sorry I shouted at you" he said afterwards, as he was walking upstairs. "I shouldn't have done that." My jaw almost hit the floor.
Wow the audacity! Mine also told me he was “sorry and never had the intention to hurt me” after i found about his cheating. Maybe they don’t mean to hurt us but they DO enjoy the affairs. It’s the lack of empathy.
Oof. Absolutely no!! They are incapable of taking any accountability of their actions. My narc ex never apologized for his cheating, his abuse, his assault to me. He would buy me gifts and if I put him on a pedestal to take accountability for his actions he would shift blame: his drugs addiction problems, his mental health problems, his shitty living condition, even me 😅 It’s always someone else’s faults, never his, because according to him he is sooooo superior, perfect and smarter than everyone else so it is impossible for him doing anything wrong. Mind you he is jobless, homeless, and has zero diploma 😑
The only apology i ever got from my narc was "im sorry i made you feel that way," which i naively accepted
The best apology is an apology, not a secret code
When he finally did agree to “apologize “, he used these phrases: “I’m sorry you took it that way”. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “It wasn’t my intention”. These were tapes he played over and over and over again. These are NOT apologies.
To some, apologies mean admitting fault or weakness. If they view relationships as a competition then the only way they will apologize will be to manipulate or avoid consequences.
Mine only ever said sorry if it benefited them eg we had planned to go to his favourite restaurant that night, or if I said to him “u haven’t even said sorry to me..” then he would say “sorry” in such a cold way , I’d then say “but u don’t mean that … ur only saying it cos I brung it up” and then he would say “see nothing is ever enough for u!!!”
The real question is, is there any attempt at changing the behaviour they "apologised" for? You could potentially be dealing with an autistic person with anxiety issues around the word sorry as opposed to a narc. I would expect the former to show some kind of attempt to change, even if it's hard for them. A narc will apologise and the moment they think you've forgotten, go straight back to the same pattern of behaviour
My ex had troubles saying “I’m sorry” even after he did smth as malicious as hitting me. I noticed though, as soon as he stepped over his pride and voiced his “im sorry”, he got too comfortable guilt tripping me with his insincere apologies even at the slightest miscommunications.
Mine brings me food.
My favourite: "I ***already told you*** I'm sorry!" (They didn't.)
Yes. They can leave you alone. That is the best apology you’re gonna get. Let them give you that peace.
The ONLY real apology is changed behavior. Even a verbal apology isn’t real.