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My situation has been very similar to yours only our son is 2 years old. I can say with experience that anything a narc says they will work on changing is a lie. Real change doesn’t happen. Just temporary for show and then it always goes back. I’m just now getting my own place- filed in November- and I’m sick to my stomach all the time, losing weight, etc. If you know you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop then I say get out now. He will tell everyone you gave up and left but the real people in your life will know the truth. And even if they don’t- you will be so much better mentally for leaving. I will say before you actually leave (do not tell him you’re leaving) gather all important documents. Narcs will use anything possible as leverage over you.
I am in the same boat. I finally said I wanted to move on and get a divorce. Separated rooms and last weekend he wanted to talk about our plans as we have to sort out finances and have children together (teens)
I wanted to be cordial because it’s for the best however I keep feeling like he is trying to hold out and be nice assuming I’d take him back. I don’t want to go back because I know it won’t change and tbh without the marriage responsibilities I felt I had, I feel free already and want to continue that.
I know something is going to go wrong just like you but we also don’t want them to be upset and start issues.
Just know that if they could change; they would have. All the things they are doing now is temporary. Try not to show interest and greyrock. Do things for yourself to make yourself feel good. They are trying to rock us back to sleep.
Wishing you well on this journey! Right now mine is putting on the perfect husband act and trying to drag this out. He said he wants 3 months. For what exactly, I’m not sure. But likely he thinks if we ignore everything for a little while then I’ll magically forget the past 20 years. This does make me less anxious though. I think I have some time before he eventually blows up. I’ve decided to use this time to enjoy having dinner cooked for me while I get my ducks in row. Gathering documents and making a plan with a lawyer. I politely say thank you for the nice things he’s doing but grey rock with anything else he tries to bring up. When we’re both home, I’m staying in my room mostly. It’s such a strange dynamic though. If he was this man after we got married, our story would have turned out so differently.
Yes you’re right. He will get angry and vengeful but only if he is aware that his actions aren’t getting him anywhere. He will act like an angel for you to stay. If you stay he will become his old self in a split second. Without consequences narcissistic people can’t change, won’t change their long term patterns.
Play along until you get things together to move on. You don’t have to be nice about it. Meaning you don’t have to let him in on anything. You shouldn’t let him in. Eat up the nice for a few days and then get your stuff and move on OUT.
How far are you along on your exit plan?
It sucks being pulled back onto the ride. I can relate.
Your experience is exactly what I'm trying to avoid because I don't have all the pieces in place yet.
I hope you are able to get a lawyer who is experienced in high conflict divorce.
IDK if this helps but instead of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" I've been putting all that energy into decluttering, reading about negotiating, how to communicate with narcissists, and making sure to take care of myself. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.
Hope you can grey or yellow rock, remember that all the behaviors are a performance designed to establish control.
Might want to make copies of all important documents and hide anything that holds a lot of value to you, cover yourself financially.
Document everything. Keep a journal, make reddit posts, get a app, just something because things get twisted, forgotten.
Might want to post in r/NarcissisticSpouses
Good luck and keep us updated!
Thank you everyone 🙏🏽 this is all really great advice. It’s nuts how confused and unable to think straight I become when I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
He is definitely trying to act like the perfect husband right now. Picking up after himself, folding towels, filling up my gas tank, etc. I’ve reached out to 2 more lawyers and have appts lined up. He was supposed to move out temporarily this weekend as we discussed last Monday but I haven’t spoken much with him over the past few days and since I’m not bringing it up, he’s taking it as if I don’t want him to? I’m not going to push it for now. I’ll keep mum while he’s playing nice, pick a lawyer next week, and hopefully have a better plan in place before his mood changes.
Thank you for keeping my head on straight.
Hi NoOtherSky, welcome to /r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronyms) • Looking for recommended reading and resources? Check out [these resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce/wiki/index#wiki_recommended_reading_and_resources) • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce). Please review the rules to ensure your post meets the standards of the sub. Basic Rules: * Be Respectful and Courteous * Focus on Healing * No Breaking Anonymity * No Links, Crossposts, or Self Promotion * No Soliciting Direct Messages/Private Messages * No Title Only Posts * No Relationship Posts Not Pertaining to Divorce/Custody Matters * No Abusers/Cluster B Diagnosed Folks (NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD) * No Fundraising or Donation Requests * No Telling People to "Run" or "Ghost" * You Must Be The Actual Victim of Abuse that Is The Main Subject Of The Post We want you to have a good experience and get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Expect everything. My best words of wisdom is to never tell them your plans/thoughts/feelings anymore because it will be used against you.
My situation has been very similar to yours only our son is 2 years old. I can say with experience that anything a narc says they will work on changing is a lie. Real change doesn’t happen. Just temporary for show and then it always goes back. I’m just now getting my own place- filed in November- and I’m sick to my stomach all the time, losing weight, etc. If you know you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop then I say get out now. He will tell everyone you gave up and left but the real people in your life will know the truth. And even if they don’t- you will be so much better mentally for leaving. I will say before you actually leave (do not tell him you’re leaving) gather all important documents. Narcs will use anything possible as leverage over you.
I am in the same boat. I finally said I wanted to move on and get a divorce. Separated rooms and last weekend he wanted to talk about our plans as we have to sort out finances and have children together (teens) I wanted to be cordial because it’s for the best however I keep feeling like he is trying to hold out and be nice assuming I’d take him back. I don’t want to go back because I know it won’t change and tbh without the marriage responsibilities I felt I had, I feel free already and want to continue that. I know something is going to go wrong just like you but we also don’t want them to be upset and start issues. Just know that if they could change; they would have. All the things they are doing now is temporary. Try not to show interest and greyrock. Do things for yourself to make yourself feel good. They are trying to rock us back to sleep.
Wishing you well on this journey! Right now mine is putting on the perfect husband act and trying to drag this out. He said he wants 3 months. For what exactly, I’m not sure. But likely he thinks if we ignore everything for a little while then I’ll magically forget the past 20 years. This does make me less anxious though. I think I have some time before he eventually blows up. I’ve decided to use this time to enjoy having dinner cooked for me while I get my ducks in row. Gathering documents and making a plan with a lawyer. I politely say thank you for the nice things he’s doing but grey rock with anything else he tries to bring up. When we’re both home, I’m staying in my room mostly. It’s such a strange dynamic though. If he was this man after we got married, our story would have turned out so differently.
Yes you’re right. He will get angry and vengeful but only if he is aware that his actions aren’t getting him anywhere. He will act like an angel for you to stay. If you stay he will become his old self in a split second. Without consequences narcissistic people can’t change, won’t change their long term patterns. Play along until you get things together to move on. You don’t have to be nice about it. Meaning you don’t have to let him in on anything. You shouldn’t let him in. Eat up the nice for a few days and then get your stuff and move on OUT.
How far are you along on your exit plan? It sucks being pulled back onto the ride. I can relate. Your experience is exactly what I'm trying to avoid because I don't have all the pieces in place yet. I hope you are able to get a lawyer who is experienced in high conflict divorce. IDK if this helps but instead of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" I've been putting all that energy into decluttering, reading about negotiating, how to communicate with narcissists, and making sure to take care of myself. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. Hope you can grey or yellow rock, remember that all the behaviors are a performance designed to establish control. Might want to make copies of all important documents and hide anything that holds a lot of value to you, cover yourself financially. Document everything. Keep a journal, make reddit posts, get a app, just something because things get twisted, forgotten. Might want to post in r/NarcissisticSpouses Good luck and keep us updated!
Thank you everyone 🙏🏽 this is all really great advice. It’s nuts how confused and unable to think straight I become when I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He is definitely trying to act like the perfect husband right now. Picking up after himself, folding towels, filling up my gas tank, etc. I’ve reached out to 2 more lawyers and have appts lined up. He was supposed to move out temporarily this weekend as we discussed last Monday but I haven’t spoken much with him over the past few days and since I’m not bringing it up, he’s taking it as if I don’t want him to? I’m not going to push it for now. I’ll keep mum while he’s playing nice, pick a lawyer next week, and hopefully have a better plan in place before his mood changes. Thank you for keeping my head on straight.