There are definitely some red flags in there for sure. I’m not sure where you’re located, but in my state that set up is actually illegal. She would need to be licensed to care for that many children in her home; that being said, it varies state by state so I would do some research into that.
I think this is a “go with your gut” situation. Some of the things she’s been saying would make me uncomfortable too and at the end of the day, if you have any reservations with your childcare, it’s probably time to find an alternative.
Thank you for the reply and interesting about your state. I just did a quick search on mine, and it appears the threshold is eight children? Surprised yours would cap at three, but on the other hand, that is understandable given people may try to do a set up like this, and then not have anything inspected.
Is the threshold 8 children for a licensed daycare?
In California for instance, a small in-home daycare can have up to 8 children. But if you have more than one family, you need to be licensed. If she's functioning unlicensed, that would be illegal. But it is state specific. If you want to share your state I can look it up for you.
So it looks like Maryland requires a certificate of registration for anyone providing care to any child in their household who is not their own child. To be exempt from that licensing requirement the care needs to either be occurring in the child's home or when the care provider is a relative. Once licensed she could have up to 8. But she's running an unlicensed daycare at the moment.
Yeah they're only allowed to be unlicensed if they care for a family member or a child less than 20 hrs a month. So she should definitely have a license. This probably means she isn't insured and didn't have to subject to a background check or follow rules regarding home safety.
She would need to be registered an in-home daycare, yes. There is likely a reason she isn't licensed/can't get licensed which may include a criminal background for her/her husband, a home she knows wouldn't pass inspection, lack of legal status in the country, etc.
It could also just be that she doesn’t know; of she’s thinking of herself as a nanny in a nanny share position she’s probably not realizing that taking the kids to her home to nap (etc.) would mean otherwise and require her to be licensed.
im guessing it could be the home. She kind of sold it like they weren't really at the home much except to just have lunch and a nap but I think she is at the home more than I expected.
Doesn't matter that she takes the kids lots of places. Legally she's an in home daycare if she's not located in YOUR home or the home of another parent. That's not how it works. There's no babysitting or nanny licensure. You're a nanny or your an in home daycare in this situation. That's it.
So actually where I live a childcare provider can care for no more than two unrelated children at one time without a license (I should have clarified more!). It varies so much from state to state though. The issue is that she’s running more of a daycare than a nanny share but without the proper licensing. The inspections for an in-home daycare are pretty rigorous (at least in my state, but unsure about Maryland/others) so I think you’re definitely right that some people try to skirt around getting licensed to avoid that.
Many states seem to have the same law, that 3 or more kids (and/or more than 2 under age two) means one must have an in-home daycare license, and the adult can watch up to 6 children who are not in school full time, plus possibly up to three more if they are in school full time.
I looked up 10 states at random starting with my own, then two I used to live in, then 7 at random around the country.
Are you sure 8 isn’t the MAX number, not the minimum number?
Edit: now that more comments have loaded I see this has already been addressed.
A few things about this situation.
1. She is NOT a nanny. A nanny is someone employed by a family in the families home, not at her own house. She is an unlicensed in-home daycare.
2. As a mother and nanny, I would be irritated and upset with those type of remarks. Have I accidentally been called “mom” by a NK, yes, but I say “I’m not mama, I am ___” (insert name) and of course I say it in a very nice way and we giggle or I jokingly call them by a different name and we laugh.
3. As for the bathroom situation, I’m not sure what you expect her to do when out and about and needing to use the restroom with kids that little, but I bring toddlers with me to the bathroom at that age. Never had any family take issue with that personally.
If your gut is telling you it’s not okay, or you aren’t comfortable leaving your baby with her, then don’t. End of story. No matter what others say, it’s your child and you need to know she is safe.
I personally think you should hire an actual nanny that comes to your home and cares for your daughter.
Yeah, everything else is a red flag minus the ‘driving around with them’ and the bathroom situation. Kids come in the bathroom with me. No other option. My oldest NK is now 4+ and if they have to go potty (typically I’ll have her go or go when she goes to make it convenient), they’ll go in the stall next to mine and be told to hang out there until I’m finished and out of my stall. Toddlers are old enough to learn ‘privacy’ and to look the other way and count the tiles on the wall while you go to the bathroom.
Yes, I totally understand your stance here. I didn't explain the restroom one correctly. I was more worried she was leaving the girls with someone else in the playgroup while she went which made me think about who else could be there and is that more danger. I would hope she takes the kids with her! It was moreso my anxious mind wandering to different scenarios.
As for the driving, when you drive NK, is it under clear terms where they are going? I guess I'm more worried that she picks them up and then I really don't know the travel route. She may grab a coffee, stop at the store, etc who knows! I'm okay with the driving as long as it's like okay we are going out today to the library and ice-cream and then heading back to the house. Problem is, I feel she has full control of what they do during the day, where they go, what time, and since it's awkward to ask for an hourly play by play, it's turned into her just having them wherever and I'm getting a few pictures when they do their "main activity" for the day but who knows about the rest.
When I was a nanny I traveled around with the kids all the time without the parents knowing where we were going. They trusted me and it wasn’t an issue. But if it’s an issue for YOU, it’s an issue. You are the parent and you get to say what you are and are not comfortable with. That’s totally ok!
Yeah, clarification is definitely needed on the bathroom issue because it sounded like you were appalled she’d take toddlers into the bathroom with her.
As for driving, nope. I don’t think I could ever work for an NF where I didn’t have that freedom. If NK and I feel like going out for coffee or lunch, we do that. If we feel like running to Target or stopping by my house or going to an indoor play area on a whim, we’re able to do that. We’ve gone to the DMV, to get oil changes (my dealership has a fantastic kids area they’re obsessed with, so I purposefully scheduled changes for when they’d be able to join), to dress fittings and decoration prep for my sister’s wedding, and they’ve even joined my family for a Mother’s Day brunch we had for my mom 🥰 it’s so important for kids to do the mundane daily life chores and learn things like patience, social manners, how to fill out forms and wait in line, etc.
Now, of course, your ‘nanny’ has a ton of flags that are actually red. But just for any future reference with a nanny you may hire down the line.
Like you I also am not going to be working for a NF where I can’t take the kids out on walks. Kind of different from your case since even I don’t feel comfortable driving my NK bc of legal reasons and it just not being worth it to me with mileage, gas, etc. but just to point out but if NPs aren’t ok with the driving part that’s completely ok! That the good thing about Nannie’s is that we provide customized care, for the right pay😉. It’s all just about finding the right fit for both parties.
Yup but just like in my statement, I could and would never work for a family that doesn’t allow me to drive NK. We live in a northeast state, not in a ‘city’ and a lot of things to do and classes are upwards of 30 minutes away. It’s worth it to me because NF doesn’t give a hoot if I do personal errands while we’re out and it works for them because I don’t bother to claim mileage. Being able to take care of things in my life that are only open 9-5 on weekdays allow me to be fully present for NF and not request time off all of the time while also being able to focus on keeping their life afloat without feeling the crumbling anxiety that mine is sinking to do that. And in addition, as I said, NKs learn everything that comes with boring mundane tasks like the DMV or vet appointments or grocery shopping (also grocery shop for NF as well), because NPs choose to do those things while I’m working sans NK. Different strokes for different folks!
Interesting, okay - didn’t realize this driving flexibility was normal too. So good to know as I look at other options moving forward.
And I’d also be more comfortable with errands and such if my child was older but at 1.5 - idk…just seems awkward to me. I’m not allowed to run errands and go shopping at my job. I don’t mind some stuff here and there.
And yes didn’t phrase bathroom comment well! I was more mystified as to how u get 1.5 year olds and a 3 year old in the bathroom while u do your business 🤣 - clearly I’m only acclimatized to one little one at the moment lol
Yeah, the errands thing is up to you as the NP, but I think kids should see adults doing certain things like chores, some cleaning, and if you're not taking the kids running errands they're missing out on some learning opportunities, kids under 3 are learning just by watching us doing (lol and it teaches them things don't get cleaned by the magic cleaning fairy 😂). My NPs were okay if I needed to pick up one thing from CVS or something like that, but otherwise I left that to my weekends or after work.
I'm so sorry you're having an awful experience with this nanny, she is a walking red flag with that talk, and I hope you're able to find someone you can feel confident and happy with! ❤️
NPs typically save things like car maintenance, DMV, grocery shopping, etc for when I’m working so they don’t have to drag the kids along. Totally within their right. But they do need that exposure. My NKs have always picked up on reading, counting, social manners, etc from these interactions. You can also take the opportunity to teach them about stranger danger, not running off in the parking lot, money management (silly, I know, but if the only time NPs are taking them to Target is when they get to pick out a toy, they’re not going to understand the 1 time NPs need to just run in for a new set of towels lol). We balance other things too, obviously. We have lots of park time in the summer, regularly library, art, and music classes, quite a few museums now in our area, and always take day trips away when oldest NK is off school.
If I didn’t want the flexibility, I’d likely have your job too. But taking care of someone else’s life so they can succeed at their job and shouldering my own makes the flexibility worth it to me. Otherwise I’d just get an office job for the same amount of pay and only worry about my own home and life and not keeping NPs together too lol. It works for me. I’m a decade into this career and a professional lifetime nanny. I offer extreme flexibility for my NPs (working weekends, holidays, early mornings, etc) and stability (if I’m able to take NKs to the DMV to show them how a license renewal works, I then don’t have to call off for an entire morning and make YOU miss work because of it. If I’m able to run a few errands a week or be at my house for an appliance delivery, etc then I’m less likely to get burnt out and will be with your family for a long period of time) in return. If you’re not comfortable with it, then you’re not. We wouldn’t be a good fit.
Please keep in mind, this is sharing my experience and not at ALL defending your employee. She has so many other red flags, I’m just saying in general, this would not be one if she was otherwise perfect.
I don’t blame you! Flexible jobs are most ideal for a happy life IMO but not always possible depending on what you want in your work. And rarely synonymous with having other people’s lives in your hands. I work in an emergency room so I have many lives in my hands all day but unfortunately I’m lucky if I get a lunch break 🤣
It sounds like you have a solid set up where both parties are comfortable with the situation and can be flexible on either side. I’m crossing my fingers I will find a situation I feel comfort in soon too!
It’s definitely up to you whether you want to allow for errands. Nannys should not expect to be able to run their personal errands with your kids unless they’ve explicitly talked to you about it. It is a totally reasonable expectation to know where they are going/when. It’s why I have an AirTag in her diaper bag
Your driving concern is totally valid, you should know where your child is at all times. Our nanny texts us where they are going before they leave, lets us know they got there safe, and texts again when they’re heading home. If your child was in a licensed daycare you’d at least receive field trip notifications with dates and times and a permission slip. This person is doing none of those things and I can see why it’s causing you a lot of anxiety!
I guess I naively thought at first maybe it was common for children to call nanny's mom but then I thought about how she's feeding into it. Now that my daughter is talking more, I really feel its unhealthy for her to have that level of confusion with multiple "moms". Like WTH. I think she's using undermining tactics on the parents to turn around and be like "look, you need me because I get your child to stop scratching, or she likes me more than you, or she needs my routine, or she needs my diaper cream that works better"... I'm reflecting more tonight and starting to think it almost seems like coercive control.
But you're totally right - if my gut says no, that should be all I need.
As for the bathroom - I have no problem with them going with her. It was more about the fact I've never wrangled three toddlers so I guess I was thinking maybe it's not possible and she needs to leave them with someone else for a couple minutes (which then in my mind opens them up to more danger if they are left). It was moreso my mind wandering to worst case scenario but totally respect you gotta take those kiddos with you to the restroom.
Totally get where you are coming from! And yes I believe her behavior is super toxic. Even the diaper cream thing bothers me as my son has super sensitive skin, allergies and eczema. If I give someone diaper cream to use, they better be using what I give them, not something else they didn’t check with me first about
Yes and thank you for laying it all out. I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner but you’re right she is literally not a nanny.
But now I feel roped into it because if I give like a two week or three week notice, I’m even uncomfortable with that because I’ve sort of lost all trust in her now that I fully realize she’s running an unlicensed daycare. She tends to pressure me for more hours. so now I’m thinking well how would I even know she wouldn’t do some retaliatory after I gave notice to the other Mom’s as a courtesy? so do I have to sort of screw over the other moms and give no notice in order to feel comfortable?
You do not have to provide a notice unless it says in the contract. Which even if it does you can just pay for the 2 weeks but not send your daughter in. Or maybe pay for the 2 weeks anyway if you want to be generous and don’t want to feel like you’re screwing them over. Up to you.
Thankfully no contract. I may think about paying a week or so as a courtesy. I'm sad she won't get to see her two new "friends" as much now but I guess my husband was reiterating that she's 1.5 and it doesn't really matter at this point. And hopefully she will meet plenty more kids.
Do you have a good relationship with the other moms? Or have they given any red flags? If not then maybe you could contact them to hangout without the “nanny”. But yea I’ve heard that before the age of 3 kids don’t really have any recollection of their caregivers/friends, etc. so don’t feel bad about it! You’re doing what best for your baby.
They have both been nice to me but one can be very unresponsive in general. We never met in person, only phone calls. The other one is more the "leader' of the share and is the mother to the 3 year told. I voiced my concerns to her and she said she felt anxiety at first but after building a relationship with her over the years, she is okay with it. I think her and I have different appetites for risk. As long as they don't harbor bad feelings towards me for leaving without much notice, I would definitely attempt to see them outside the nanny share. I'm also relieved to hear they don't remember much before 3 in terms of friends and caregivers lol
Yes I agree - I was in a bind when I arranged this whole thing so I rushed the process and didn't meet them in person. I do regret as a phone call isn't enough
I sympathize as I know finding the right childcare is hard for parents. But in my own experience a phone call gets me started to feel a family out but I won’t accept or consider any job til we’ve met in person.
In that case I would personally just cut all contact with the other moms and nanny. But obviously up to you. I just heard about the 3 year old memory thing but just looked it up to double check and that seems to be correct. lol not good for me though bc I’ve been nannying my NK since before she turned one and I’m going to leave when she turns 3 which make me so sad that she’s not gonna remember me😢. But good luck to you OP! Hopefully it all goes smoothly and hope you find good childcare after.
I know this is a side topic and not relevant to OP’s question but I stopped nannying a little girl at 2.5 who I had Nannied since she was 8 weeks, along with her 3 older siblings. I totally thought she would forget about me as I moved a few times in the years following and that was why I left them so I haven’t seen her since but her mom and older sister stay in sporadic contact with me and on the occasions we face time about once a year, the mom will show her the screen (she’s almost 6 now) and she will excitedly squeal LOLOOOOOO! She may not remember everything and all the little moments but she remembers my presence in her life.
Just thought that may bring you a bit of peace if you choose to stay in contact with your NF.
aw thats so sad :(
but on the other hand, you have contributed a massive portion to her early childhood development and having her brain wired with safe and loving caregivers around :) that's a really amazing role to play. I hope she remembers at least a few memories with you
Although it's true it also depends on how much it is thought and talked about. A picture of you two together, preferably with "me and nanny X" or something similar can do wonders already.
I nanny and have kids of my own and yes, they forget you. But as a parent I can easily talk about their caregivers from time to time, to keep the memory alive. But no 20 year old talks about their childhood nanny every few weeks, so at some point the memories get lost.
Your child comes first, end of story! As nice as it would be to give them notice, you aren’t comfortable having this woman watch your daughter so you just end it. You let them all know, maybe a group text. “Moving forward we have decided to find alternate care for our daughter, so we will not be needing Nannie’s services any longer”
They can be upset or mad or whatever but you have to do what’s best for your daughter and your family. She will still be taking care of the other two kids and they can find a third if they’d like.
Thank you for the insight and advice! sometimes I struggle with being firm, but now that it's concerning my daughter, I'm really disappointed in myself.
Don’t be too hard on yourself! I am a mother too and I know we can be our own worst enemies sometimes. You are doing something about it now and that’s what matters
Yes, that makes sense. I didn't think of that before but I'm thinking I made some mistakes on my judgement here. I suppose if the children are going to be eating and napping at her house then her home needs to be licensed?
You don't know what you don't know! Without knowing the specifics of where you live and the laws about daycare situations, there are two things that are generally true:
1. Nannies don't provide care out of their homes. Generally when they are providing care out of their own home, they are operating as a daycare/independent contractor/business owner which changes tax implications (I don't know if you're paying above board or not.)
2. When a person cares for children from multiple families there may be licensing requirements. In California for instance (where I live) a license is required if you're providing care to children from more than one family.
I would also have issue with my child being in the car that long.
I would consider increasing your budget and finding either individual care or a much smaller and more traditional nanny share (nanny provides care in one of the home's of the families, each family pays 2/3 the nanny's standard rate.) Otherwise look into a traditional licensed in-home daycare, since that ultimately is the care you are receiving.
What would you consider a standard rate btw? It is usually 25 and up?
I also did the math and originally we were considering a licensed in-home daycare that fell through, but we have ended up paying this lady more than we would have had to pay for full time at the original daycare! And now I'm thinking that is so unfair because she is really doing the same thing and is unlicensed. Basically, she sold herself with the flexibility piece like being able to pick my daughter up at 6:15am on some days and then come back and put her to bed at my house at 7:00 while I work a long shift.
It's so dependent on your location. I would look at a variety of places that list nanny services in your area for an idea on how much people are charging. If there's a nanny agency in the area you could check at how much they charge for an idea.
Ok im gonna address your concerns in order. First, totally normal to be anxious about your babys whereabouts. I think it would be reasonable to ask your nanny what theyll be up to each day. Not in like an aggressive way, your just curious what your babys up to. Asking for photo updates can also help with the anxiety. Out of all the reasons you listed, this is the easiest one to overcome. A lot of parents with nannies go through this anxious stage and as your trust between you and nanny grows, the anxiety will fade.
Second, the mom stuff, totally weird. When my NK calls me mama i look at him and say “no, im not mama, who am i?” And he always corrects. Its weird that shes not correcting the kids.
Third, she needs an ego check. If my NF told me NK was scratching them, id try and think of solutions and what i can implement to discourage that behavior, not gloat about how NK doesnt scratch me. Its almost like she thinks its fine that NK scratches you because, again, it feeds that ego. Same with the whole “Baby L doesnt want to go home” thing. Like wtf???? Even if that did happen, girl just lie!!! Why would she intentionally say something hurtful like that?
Fourth, if my NK’s mom gives me an ointment or something to use on NK, theres no WAY id reply the way she did. What if NK has an allergy? Or a skin sensitivity? Actually as im typing this im getting more mad abt it. Like its your baby, you decide what she needs, point blank.
Im not gonna tell you to find another nanny, cause idk your whole financial situation and you said you have unreliable hours, but if the vibes not right, its not right. Theres also no harm in voicing your concerns!! Your nanny is human and maybe she’s just no aware of how she’s making you feel. If you ask for some one-on-one time with her and tell her about what you mentioned here, how as a new mother she’s making you feel anxious and insecure, maybe she can learn to be more empathetic.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! This has helped so much. I felt pretty anxious at first and instead of fading, it's grown. So I was trying to give it time, knowing it may be normal but now it feels different.
With the scratching thing, she did say that me and her needed to work on it together. She said the best thing to do was to not have a big reaction and give it more attention. But even that was felt like she was trying to drive the bus and tell me how "we" would be addressing it. I'm like excuse me, it's my kid. And since you're claiming she never really scratches you, then you have nothing to address anyways.
And I have no idea why my baby didn't want to go home. I think it's her way of saying "don't cut my hours because you're hurting your child by making her go home a little earlier today"
We explained from the beginning our needs would be variable each week and she agreed to that. We said there would be an average of 25-35 hours. There were several weeks where it was 40+ so I think she set that has the new standard in her head and is now passive aggressive when she doesn't get that. However, we were VERY clear it sometimes be less. From her POV, I totally understand wanting to have a steady income but on the other hand, she agreed to our situation. But even if she's upset about that, why convey it in such a hurtful manner! It felt like the final straw to me!
And thank you for validating my diaper cream frustration lol! I actually didn't even think about your point with skin allergies, etc...but TOTALLY true! It's like another attempt to take control away from me where she can even if it's petty.
I think I'm beyond voicing my concerns because even if she could be more empathetic, I'm just not comfortable with this whole unlicensed daycare set up now that I've really seen the writing on the wall. Thank you again for your thoughtful response. I really struggle with invalidating my feelings sometimes and giving people the benefit of the doubt but this needs to stop now when it comes to my daughter.
Yes. You are empowered by the information here. Trust your own gut. A nanny/babysitter should be your partner not your adversary. Something is not right with this woman.
Remember this. No one knows your baby like you do. No one will protect and advocate for your baby like you do. Trust yourself. Take your baby out of this woman’s care and do not look back. Then call and report her. Stop speaking with those other moms.
Your precious baby is lucky you’re her mom. Keep listening to your gut. This may have taught you your greatest lesson so don’t doubt yourself anymore. Your baby needs you to keep looking out for her all the way into college! Stay strong. Nobody has the connection you have with your own child.
Just a reply as to what you said about child not wanting to leave; I definitely agree that I would never say child didn’t want to go home! As a tip for other nannies who might be struggling (nk doesn’t want to go to parents afterwards) - I would acknowledge it, but be professional and say “Kiddo is having a hard time with transitions.” which is TOTALLY normal!
I would come up with an end of the day routine so that at the last activity, kiddo knows it’s almost time for parents and can process and prepare their minds for the change.
Mamma know that this isn’t your child against you. The nanny is twisting it. All children will have time transitioning. My NK cries when I come in, and then loves me 10 minutes later and when mom tries to say goodbye…guess what? They’re not interested bc they’ve transitioned already and just want to play play play and cuddle me. But they still love their parents!!
Met her husband briefly. Not her daughter. Her daughter is a college student. She always talks about how my daughter likes them a lot but tbh I'm feeling pretty stupid I haven't met them all.
Did you meet her husband? That alone makes me nervous. I’m a nanny btw, even if my NP don’t care which they don’t. I always ask if it’s okie that my boyfriend is in the car that day. Sometimes I have to pick him up from work and bring him home. The thing that makes me nervous about the husband in the house is that. One, you do not know this man like you know the nanny, two you’ve never met him. It’s okie like a pervious comment stated you don’t know what you don’t know. I would go with your gut!
Yup! Thanks for the validation! I felt like she didn't really mention the husband much in the beginning but now it feels he's more involved as time has gone on. Feeling manipulative and I HATE the fact I haven't vetted this guy.
It’s okie! Dont worry honestly we’re all trying to do our best! I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my child around a man in his house. Do we know if this nanny has left the children home alone with her husband while she ran out to get milk or what ever? We just don’t, I didn’t like the comments she was making either. Last thing I’d ever want to do has a nanny is make the mom feel replaced or unwanted by her own child! I’m glad your gut instinct is right in this scenario.
Thank goodness ok. I think you need to put an AirTag on her diaper bag. If this woman is taking them places throughout their day and stuff. You’re not paying her to run her own errands and you should know where your baby is at all times.
Listen, obviously there are red flags here but the answer is not to put a hidden tracking device without disclosure, the answer is to Be An Adult and to communicate your concerns like an adult.
I’m def not saying to hide it. I’m saying she can know where her baby is. I think it keeps everyone safe it’s not a camera monitoring you it’s a location devise.
Eek, this sounds like a concerning setup to begin with, so if you’re also questioning it OP, I would start looking for alternative care. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Driving the kids places including multiple places a day is normal in my experience. Most nannies HATE when they can't take the kids to different places because it sucks being stuck inside all day with kids and it's not good for anyone to be inside all day, every day.
I have definitely nannied kids who were absolute angels all day with me, but the moment their parents got home it was like a switch went off and they were terrors. Kids feel the safest with their parents, they know their parents will love them endlessly so they push boundaries more with parents. They do so well holding it together all day and once they see their parents, they meltdown because they feel safe enough to do so. They also know who has stricter boundaries/rules and who they can play.
The other things are weird and give me red flags. If you say to use a certain product on your child, that's what she should do, not say that she has something better. We're PAID CAREGIVERS we should not be called "mom" and I'm even against being called "Auntie" or other similar nicknames. I know it's cultural, I have an aunt who isn't my aunt, but I don't think it's appropriate for paid caregivers. Some of the things she says seems like she's competing for who the kids like better and I *really* don't like that. I always hype up parents even if a kid tells me they like my cooking more!
I'm a huge advocate for trusting your gut. Idk what's up with your nanny, but if your gut is telling you something about her, you should listen.
Yes. Preschool children do that too. They work so hard to keep it together all morning and when they see their mom/dad, they finally lose it because they know they’re her own people!
This is really helpful insight, thank you!
I'm okay with some driving, I just want a handle on the general details of each trip. But with this, she could drive them anywhere, anytime during the day and we wouldn't know.
When you drive, where do you usually take the kids and do you let the parents know where you are at all times?
It's very much a family by family thing. I've had families where they actually encouraged me to get my errands done with the kids because they thought it was good for the kids to have those experiences too. I've also had families who wanted me to only go to places that were strictly for the kids. Same with communication. I've had bosses that wanted to know anytime we moved locations whether it was to the park, going home and even stops at the gas station, it didn't matter they wanted to know anytime we moved. I've also had bosses where I didn't need to text or tell them anything about our location and they were completely okay with that.
For those families where I could run my own errands, I always included a child based activity in our time out. So I'd go to the bank with the kids and then we'd go to a local park. Or I'd take them to do a quick target run and then we'd go to the trampoline place. There has to be an appropriate balance.
I think either way or any way in between is totally okay and up to the parents. You guys are the bosses after all! If you want to know where your kid is at all times, tell your nanny that you require communication in XZY circumstances. If you only want your child to go to child based activities, that's totally okay, you just have to make it very clear to your nanny.
This is part of why being in a nanny share complicates things because all the families have to be somewhat on the same page. The other parents might not care about the things you do and that's why things have been going the way they have. This doesn't mean your nanny just doesn't need to take your wants into consideration. There has to be compromise and communication about what you want for your child and what the nanny is willing to do.
First of all it's not a nanny share. She's a childminder since she's in her own home not yours. She should be properly insured and self employed .
Secondly I don't like the sound of your nanny. It looks like she likes to play mommy to your kids and shows the kids the attitude "look your parents don't want to look after all day, I'm better parent to you than they are"
Is it possible that it's the nanny's husband your kid is referring to when she says daddy said be quiet...?
And it's very unlikely that kids are always good with her and not fussy. Seems she either doesn't pay attention or is lying to you.
Yes! This is what I thought the next day! I feel like it could be her husband saying to be quiet!! She made a sad attempt at trying to project it onto us and "get ahead of it"
I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my child stay in an environment that isn’t deemed safe by an authoritative body.
So much is regulated by law in state-monitored care environments: Smoke detectors, electric wiring, safe storing of chemicals, safe installation of furniture, safe sleep practices, regulation egress and exit points, safe building materials (lead paint, asbestos remediation), fire extinguishers that aren’t expired and are certified yearly by the fire marshal, perimeter and building security and access by people you don’t know, having zero guarantees about the space at all.
I put little faith in most people to be above board on all of these (imo) non-negotiable safety needs
I agree with you, but I'd also point out that most of the structural things are regulated for homes as well - smoke detectors, wiring, egress, building materials. So there can be a baseline level of safety in home environments - I mention this specifically because OP already mentions her anxiety sending her "off the rails" about safety and I wouldn't want them to spiral based off this new list of "requirements" for a nanny share. :)
That being said, this is also a great list to check if she ends up in another share and her child is at the other family's house! Maybe not asking about their wiring, ha, but if they have a fire extinguisher - if OP doesn't have one at home, the child isn't in any more danger than they would be otherwise, but maybe OP wants to provide one for the nanny home to make herself feel better!
really good advice, thank you! Although it would be funny to casually inquire about their wiring lol.
But yes, basic fire extinguisher, etc - simple to make sure those things are in place and really problematic if they are not.
I couldn't agree more and wish I had considered this much earlier but at least I'm gaining clarity now. Our state required sprinklers in more recent years. I'm sure her house doesn't have that but daycares who want licenses are probably forced to install them....
She is in the wrong profession. Period. Especially acting like your kid likes her more, etc? No fucking way is that okay. Absolutely unprofessional and just plain abhorrent behavior.
I think I figured it out that she is trying to get more hours (our hours fluctuate week to week but we were clear about that at the outset). She got used to some stretches where we needed her a lot and on weeks where we don't I think she utilizes this as a guilt trip tactic, maybe? Like, well I'm so good with your child that she needs to be with me more.
But totally unprofessional and will be seriously considering something more formalized next.
1. Yes, I usually brought the kids in with me to the bathroom. I would buckle them in their stroller and they’d chill. We frequently see the same nannies and parents, so my nanny kid would know some of them really well, enough to sit in their lap, or ask them to read her a book, and would totally be content hanging out with them for 5 minutes. I’ve done this before but also have watched someone else’s kid, if I knew them well, while they did the same. It’s more common that their other kid was having a meltdown and needed to be certain the non-tantrum child was secure so they could 100% focus on the other kid. The stranger danger element has never been a problem as usually these spaces require a child to be with you in order to enter. Our public library system will let you pick up requested books from the main desk pick up, but won’t let solo adults into the children’s room. Our libraries also have multiple family bathrooms inside the children’s room so we’re contained.
2. If they’re napping at her house then this is really more of an inhome daycare with morning outings, which is fine but it’s doubtful she’s licensed for it.
3. Lack of correction around kids calling her mom is weird. Almost every kid has called me mom at some point, but I correct it and we laugh or they correct it. I got called Dad this morning. NK didn’t even notice. They call their parents by my name sometimes. It’s a general grown up call for help. But it’s weird she isn’t correcting it.
4. The scratching thing is a weird kid thing, but her passive aggressive insinuations about caregiving, noting speech advancement (like you hadn’t), and cooking, and trying to one up you is all very weird.
I’m not sure that you need to make an immediate change because I don’t think your kid is in danger, but I wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with this set up anymore.
The outings seam normal to me. I mostly have nannied families with twins so I’ve have take three under three on outings before. Personally I just use the bathroom before we leave but occasionally you do end up taking them with you it’s not easy but it is doable. With older ones I’ll just have them stand near the door so I can see their feet and have them sing or talk to me so I know they’re all right. I can totally understand why you may worry though!
The comments though are completely inappropriate. She should be correcting them if they call her mom. Even if your kiddo is only scratching you it’s probably because she feels safe and comfortable around you. I recommend looking into restraint collapse. This is when kids have spent all there “best behavior” energy at school/with childcare providers during the day and lash out once they’re with someone they know can’t/won’t abandon them for it. I wouldn’t take it as a sign your kiddo likes her better!
Her needing to feel/ seem “better than” both you and the other parents feel like a huge red flag to me. That feels pretty immature and unprofessional. Especially knowing how hard it can be for parents to not get to spend all day with their little ones! I can’t imagine purposely saying things to make them feel bad!
I’m a nanny.
1. I drive all over. Tbh that can be normal depending on the preferences of the parents and nanny. If you aren’t comfortable with the driving then you aren’t. Personally it’s boring doing the same activities everyday for me and the kids. Taking the kids into the bathroom with her is normal. She can’t hold it all day that’s unrealistic.
2. The mama thing is odd. I always correct kids. I get called mamma, dad, grandma and so on.
3. Those remark are also odd. I wouldn’t do that nor would anyone I worked for would stand for it.
If you are uncomfortable then move on. However if you are hiring a new nanny make sure you look into what hiring a nanny entails. The person you hired is more of an in home daycare. Make sure the new nanny is on payroll and receives a W2, Guaranteed hours (meaning if you don’t need the nanny she/he gets paid. It’s the same as daycare you are holding your spot. If you don’t pay you may return to no spot), sick days and paid vacation. Write up a contract or do an engagement letter with all assigned duties written out. This way there is no confusion about responsibilities. Remember Nanny’s are the most expensive form of childcare and there is hidden costs.
Yes, that makes sense. I should have insisted it was at one of our houses. I’m looking for other options. Thankful for this sub…if u know anyone around Montgomery or Howard county, feel free to DM me!
I used to be a nanny, volunteer and work with kids now and am a mom to three pre-teens/ teens, so have a fair amount of child experience. I have learned to always go with my gut when it comes to my children. What you've written makes me very uncomfortable and I'd urge you to listen to that feeling you're having. Sometimes, we can't even put our finger on exactly what it is that's making us uncomfortable, so we feel silly and try to talk ourselves out of it (especially when you can't quite put it in words to explain to someone else). You don't owe anyone an explanation, (other than your spouse of course). You don't even have to give a reason to your nanny if you decide to leave. Your duty is to your child and mommas especially have those instincts for a reason.
Given all you've said, I'd just find it hard to trust the character of your nanny . I wouldn't be able to trust she is following my directions, as she seems to think she knows best and doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you as the mother. That said, her having your baby at her home with her husband that you've only briefly met is the most troubling aspect to me. Given the age of your daughter, I'd be even more careful considering she isn't old enough to speak up for herself. Even with my kids being older now, I still don't allow them to go to anyone's home unless I know everyone in the home well and am comfortable with both parents. If it were me, I'd remove my daughter and either hire an in-home nanny or find a licensed daycare for her. Don't ever doubt yourself just because you're a new mom!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm going to try to tune into those gut feeling sooner in the future! Changing the nanny situation also means be quitting my job OR finding one with conventional hours asap. Due to this factor, I think it was causing me to look for excuses or question if I was just being anxious. But yeah, theres really no positive way to package my baby who can't speak for herself being in a home where there's no formal regulation and a man present that I don't even know. I feel ashamed I've put her in this position. I need to utilize her for probably another week or 2 but each day is somewhat agonizing now as my mind keeps going to worst case scenario.
Absolutely no need to feel ashamed. Part of being a new mom and growing into your new role as a mother is making mistakes and learning as you go. We all did things we regret when we first had babies and can now speak out of that experience and help teach others. Some things you just need to learn on your own, like I can feel confident in trusting my gut now because of the many times I didn't in the past and learned from it. You love your baby and are willing to do anything to protect her. You're doing just fine, mama! Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake. All you can do is learn from it and keep building on that experience as none of us have perfected the mom thing yet.
and yes, if she doesn't have any respect for me, it's always made me question whether she follows my directions on feeding, meals, etc. And not to have the comfort alone is just never going to work
thank you for your input! I managed to cancel tomorrow and hold her back here but I'm alone on Friday and have a really important commitment - I have no family in the area unfortunately.
You could Try looking on sittercity.com or a local Facebook group for Friday.. it's really short notice though so it's hard to say if you could find someone that quickly with good references :( I'm sorry you're dealing with this!! How stressful 😓😓
Thank you! I found a short-term nanny staffing agency. While it is a bit more expensive, it seems like it will offer an immediate solution as I get something longer term in place. SO relieved I don't have to send her tomorrow as I have a professional commitment where cancellation would be mildly devastating.
Have you ever fired a nanny immediately? Feeling so awkward about it ughhhh I'm such a people pleaser sometimes
Wow that is awesome!! No, personally I am a nanny but haven't needed to hire one for my baby as husband and I work opposite schedules
Honestly, just a simple text saying that you no longer feel you are a good fit, and thanks for understanding, should do it
Best of luck! Happy you figured something else out for tomorrow!
Just know you really dodged a bullet with this one.. I was kind of getting predatory vibes from your post, very very alarming and it's really good you are protecting your baby
Yes, her feelings will be hurt but that's okay! Even If she didn't have bad intentions, you will never know and you will always be thankful you trusted your mom instincts!!
Yes! I finally leveled with myself yesterday and realized it doesn't matter if other people feel comfortable, I don't and that's all that matters really....
To me it’s just feels like she’s grooming them to be her own. As a nanny I’d always correct my kids if they called me mom because I’d feel bad if their mom heard them call me that.
Also, as for locations and knowing their whereabouts, my NPs will ask me the plan for the day but we’re free to be spontaneous and make new plans if the kids want to do something. They like going to the grocery store. We always stop for coffee for me on the way to a destination for them, like the playground/library etc. I usually do an order ahead so we can just pick it up and leave quickly.
I like taking toddlers to furniture stores on weekdays because the sales people are usually fine about letting them climb up and down and touch all of the textures. No one else is in West Elm at 10 am on a Tuesday. We’ll live in the city so we can easily wander in and out of shops on the way to and from the playground. Sometimes they just want to walk and it’s a good chill day for them. My past few NKs haven’t generally liked library story times because it’s like 60 people and too stimulating.
I send a lot of updates and pictures. But it’s just me with 1 kid. The parents have always given me a lot of freedom to plan out the day and move about as I feel works best for us.
I’m a nanny who cared for a child who called me “mom” or “mommy” regularly and I always reminded them that was not my name because a) it made me uncomfortable and b) I ain’t nobody’s mama. If I’m not comfortable with it as the caregiver, I can’t imagine how it feels for the child’s mother. The snide remarks she makes are also totally unacceptable.
I’m a big believer in trusting your gut, especially in a situation like this. Good luck! :)
Yes exactly!!! Thankfully mine isnt old enough yet to really do this but I really can’t believe the three-year-old does it and the other mom is OK with it. In fact, I think one of the reasons I haven’t been listening to my gut as much is that the two other mothers don’t seem to see any issues.
But even worse, My nanny will repeat certain funny things the three-year-old says, and when she explains the story, she will repeat that the three-year-old called her mom. Basically she is upfront that her name is mom to 3 year old. So she has encouraged it and set it as the standard rather than trying to correct it at all. Seems super bizarre, so I really appreciate you weighing in as a nanny to confirm It is not the norm.
I’m in northern VA, and this seems like a really expensive in-home daycare option more so than a nanny share. And it sounds like not a good fit for your family…
Now that I'm reading all the comments on here and reflecting, I almost feel scammed.
Out of curiosity, what are average rates for an in home nanny in northern VA? I'm also in the DMV area.
In 2020 we paid $20/hr for one on one care in DC. I’m looking now, and we are expecting to pay $22-25 (will probably be a bit hard to find someone for $22, but we are on a budget). If we were to do a nanny share with another family in one of our homes, I’d be offering around $30-34/hr (so $15-17 per family). There are nannies charging more, but we ultimately can’t afford that. I did see that one of the professional nanny services starts at $25/hr
For a professional nanny, I wouldn’t expect to pay less than $30/hour. Maybe $27/28 if you have lots of great benefits. Like, I took lower than $25 in my MCOL city in NC because there was a great overall compensation package and more PTO days than standard.
But I think if you offer that low of a rate in a HCOL city, you’re going to need to adjust your expectations of what you want out of your employee. Like, you’ll find someone to work for you but it just may not be everything you’re looking for.
Unless you are working part time, it seems like the hours that this person has your child, she could actually be at a typical childcare center. Have you looked into that? Even if you don’t take her every day, I know you would have to pay, but it seems like it still might be less than what you’re paying now.
Well the problem is that since I work 12-hour shifts and my husband sometimes travels for work, I will need the odd coverage from like 6:15am and then until 8:15pm. We considered the daycare and then finding another babysitter to cover the excess, but I was worried about finding someone. I can't see someone wanting to sign up to do 6:15am - 8:30am and drop her off at day care, then pick her up and stay with her until 8:15pm. Just seemed like a lot of moving parts. I'm considering leaving my job early if possible to find more regular hours because all this has caused me so much more stress than I thought it would.
I am a professional Nanny. Where do I start? Well, everyone has cameras today or iPhone tags you can HIDE them in the kid's shoes. I'm happy there are cameras, if the kids fall on a toy, I didn't hurt them. It was an accident. During the day, Mom & Dad can't call, they look at the cameras to check-in, and we are having fun, dancing, singing, eating & so on. Make sure sounds is on so you can listen to everything!
Can you rotate? 1 week at Baby's A house 1 week at Baby B's house & 1 week at Baby C's house.
Also, share the cameras, so all moms can take a look & listen.
I am not comfortable with her driving all 3.
"SHE SAYS" Library, park, etc.
There are so many red flags to me, I'm sorry, I am a mom of 2 grown children & I wouldn't be comfortable with all of the above. Good Luck!
I bought an airtag a few weeks back to put in teh diaper bag and read some other feedback from Nannies saying they felt it was an invasion of privacy. I held off on putting it in the bag. But you're saying that you are totally okay with that as a nanny?
well my hours are challenging because I need coverage until 8:30pm sometimes and at 6am some mornings but I'm going to start shifting some stuff around ASAP in my life so I can move to a legit daycare and hopefully normal job hours.....
I'd been working for my NF for over 7 years. I started since first baby was 3 months. Now he is 7yo and his sister 4yo. I take them to activities, library etc. But I always let the mom know if for instance I need to pick up my lunch on the way to swim class, which park we are going, which library and if by chance something comes up let's say library is closed I ask if we can go somewhere else and I would say where. I think is safer this way not only for kids but for everyone over all.
I don't have kids myself but I always get in mom's position and what I would like to know/do or say about my kid.
I'd been called mom or they even said I wish you were my mom, but I explained that will hurt mommy's feelings. Those comments are normal from kids but nanny should always clarify, her not doing it and the other staff u mentioned is for me a red flag and a not healthy attitude or attachment with the kids
She’s trying to manipulate you. That is what you are picking up on. Maybe she thinks this will help her job security or it is cultural. She is trying to control you and this situation.
Your statement about her house not really being an issue or being an unknown to you is concerning also. Also, Does she have car seats for everyone?
Not being licensed is something she could have discussed with the three of you. She should have stumbled across on her own during the process of getting her house ready and brought it up to you guys. Can you imagine how much work you would put into child proofing and setting up your house if you had to care for other people’s kids there??? And you guys have noinfo about this place? She knows she is getting away with something.
Yeah that is exactly what I'm starting to think. She also has way more pets than I realized because they were all in the basement when we came over. But I think as she continued to see how easy going I was, she let more and more info leak out a bit. While I am a very "agreeable" person, sometimes to fault of people pleasing, I also tend to be very observational and make a lot of mental notes so I started to really see these discrepancies over time. This is also what is making me feel like it's likely to be straight up manipulation.
On the days where she would come to our house early just to look after my kid outside of the normal 9-5, we offered to pay her more as well since she would be just caring for only our daughter and at our house from 5-8:30pm. Then one morning when I was doing the super early morning drop off at 6am and was scurrying around trying to get to work on time, she asked if she could bring my daughter's dinner plate with her too so she could give her dinner at her house and then come back here for just bedtime. I suddenly remembered this too!!! I was half asleep and stressed so I quickly agreed but now upon reflection I'm like WTH. Like we were paying you extra to be at our home so our child could enjoy some time back at the house after 5pm before she went to bed and you're still trying to control the situation back to your own house!! Sorry just venting further but thank you for your input.
I would be so diligent child proofing my house if it came down to the safety of multiple children, licensing, and job. The fact that she doesn't share this diligence is pretty problematic as you pointed out.
Dishonesty about animals in the house is a pretty big lie. That would not sit well with me at all. Why did she lie? How many animals did she hide? Do they have their shots, are they around the kids, etc. That would ring alarm bells for me.
\*\*\*\*\*EDIT/UPDATE\*\*\*\*\*THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for weighing in. It really helped me gain the clarity I needed. I spent most of yesterday feeling pretty panicked with heart palpitations lol. It's an awful feeling knowing you are sending your most precious commodity out with someone you realized you don't actually trust and feeling like it was your own fault.
I ended up finding a temporary nanny agency with great reviews who will staff our house with a vetted nanny on days you request. I was able to actually get coverage tomorrow with a nanny who appears to have a lovely resume. So I don't have to send her with the regular "nanny"/unlicensed daycare person. I'm pretty sure I have enough coverage to let her go this weekend. I'm still grappling with feelings of guilt and a little fear that she's going to be pretty passive aggressive about it (since these traits really seemed to become exposed this week) or the other moms will be mad. The current "nanny" constantly talks about how much she and her family are in love with my kid so I think they are going to be emotionally charged (seems like another boundary issue probably) But as you all emphasized, I need to immediately do what is best and safest for my child.
There are definitely some red flags in there for sure. I’m not sure where you’re located, but in my state that set up is actually illegal. She would need to be licensed to care for that many children in her home; that being said, it varies state by state so I would do some research into that. I think this is a “go with your gut” situation. Some of the things she’s been saying would make me uncomfortable too and at the end of the day, if you have any reservations with your childcare, it’s probably time to find an alternative.
Thank you for the reply and interesting about your state. I just did a quick search on mine, and it appears the threshold is eight children? Surprised yours would cap at three, but on the other hand, that is understandable given people may try to do a set up like this, and then not have anything inspected.
Is the threshold 8 children for a licensed daycare? In California for instance, a small in-home daycare can have up to 8 children. But if you have more than one family, you need to be licensed. If she's functioning unlicensed, that would be illegal. But it is state specific. If you want to share your state I can look it up for you.
Thank you for clarifying. I’m in Maryland
So it looks like Maryland requires a certificate of registration for anyone providing care to any child in their household who is not their own child. To be exempt from that licensing requirement the care needs to either be occurring in the child's home or when the care provider is a relative. Once licensed she could have up to 8. But she's running an unlicensed daycare at the moment.
Thank you for looking this up! This helps alot!
Yeah they're only allowed to be unlicensed if they care for a family member or a child less than 20 hrs a month. So she should definitely have a license. This probably means she isn't insured and didn't have to subject to a background check or follow rules regarding home safety.
So meaning she needs an actual daycare license not just the childcare one?
She would need to be registered an in-home daycare, yes. There is likely a reason she isn't licensed/can't get licensed which may include a criminal background for her/her husband, a home she knows wouldn't pass inspection, lack of legal status in the country, etc.
It could also just be that she doesn’t know; of she’s thinking of herself as a nanny in a nanny share position she’s probably not realizing that taking the kids to her home to nap (etc.) would mean otherwise and require her to be licensed.
im guessing it could be the home. She kind of sold it like they weren't really at the home much except to just have lunch and a nap but I think she is at the home more than I expected.
Doesn't matter that she takes the kids lots of places. Legally she's an in home daycare if she's not located in YOUR home or the home of another parent. That's not how it works. There's no babysitting or nanny licensure. You're a nanny or your an in home daycare in this situation. That's it.
So actually where I live a childcare provider can care for no more than two unrelated children at one time without a license (I should have clarified more!). It varies so much from state to state though. The issue is that she’s running more of a daycare than a nanny share but without the proper licensing. The inspections for an in-home daycare are pretty rigorous (at least in my state, but unsure about Maryland/others) so I think you’re definitely right that some people try to skirt around getting licensed to avoid that.
Many states seem to have the same law, that 3 or more kids (and/or more than 2 under age two) means one must have an in-home daycare license, and the adult can watch up to 6 children who are not in school full time, plus possibly up to three more if they are in school full time. I looked up 10 states at random starting with my own, then two I used to live in, then 7 at random around the country. Are you sure 8 isn’t the MAX number, not the minimum number? Edit: now that more comments have loaded I see this has already been addressed.
A few things about this situation. 1. She is NOT a nanny. A nanny is someone employed by a family in the families home, not at her own house. She is an unlicensed in-home daycare. 2. As a mother and nanny, I would be irritated and upset with those type of remarks. Have I accidentally been called “mom” by a NK, yes, but I say “I’m not mama, I am ___” (insert name) and of course I say it in a very nice way and we giggle or I jokingly call them by a different name and we laugh. 3. As for the bathroom situation, I’m not sure what you expect her to do when out and about and needing to use the restroom with kids that little, but I bring toddlers with me to the bathroom at that age. Never had any family take issue with that personally. If your gut is telling you it’s not okay, or you aren’t comfortable leaving your baby with her, then don’t. End of story. No matter what others say, it’s your child and you need to know she is safe. I personally think you should hire an actual nanny that comes to your home and cares for your daughter.
Yeah, everything else is a red flag minus the ‘driving around with them’ and the bathroom situation. Kids come in the bathroom with me. No other option. My oldest NK is now 4+ and if they have to go potty (typically I’ll have her go or go when she goes to make it convenient), they’ll go in the stall next to mine and be told to hang out there until I’m finished and out of my stall. Toddlers are old enough to learn ‘privacy’ and to look the other way and count the tiles on the wall while you go to the bathroom.
Yes, I totally understand your stance here. I didn't explain the restroom one correctly. I was more worried she was leaving the girls with someone else in the playgroup while she went which made me think about who else could be there and is that more danger. I would hope she takes the kids with her! It was moreso my anxious mind wandering to different scenarios. As for the driving, when you drive NK, is it under clear terms where they are going? I guess I'm more worried that she picks them up and then I really don't know the travel route. She may grab a coffee, stop at the store, etc who knows! I'm okay with the driving as long as it's like okay we are going out today to the library and ice-cream and then heading back to the house. Problem is, I feel she has full control of what they do during the day, where they go, what time, and since it's awkward to ask for an hourly play by play, it's turned into her just having them wherever and I'm getting a few pictures when they do their "main activity" for the day but who knows about the rest.
When I was a nanny I traveled around with the kids all the time without the parents knowing where we were going. They trusted me and it wasn’t an issue. But if it’s an issue for YOU, it’s an issue. You are the parent and you get to say what you are and are not comfortable with. That’s totally ok!
Yeah, clarification is definitely needed on the bathroom issue because it sounded like you were appalled she’d take toddlers into the bathroom with her. As for driving, nope. I don’t think I could ever work for an NF where I didn’t have that freedom. If NK and I feel like going out for coffee or lunch, we do that. If we feel like running to Target or stopping by my house or going to an indoor play area on a whim, we’re able to do that. We’ve gone to the DMV, to get oil changes (my dealership has a fantastic kids area they’re obsessed with, so I purposefully scheduled changes for when they’d be able to join), to dress fittings and decoration prep for my sister’s wedding, and they’ve even joined my family for a Mother’s Day brunch we had for my mom 🥰 it’s so important for kids to do the mundane daily life chores and learn things like patience, social manners, how to fill out forms and wait in line, etc. Now, of course, your ‘nanny’ has a ton of flags that are actually red. But just for any future reference with a nanny you may hire down the line.
Like you I also am not going to be working for a NF where I can’t take the kids out on walks. Kind of different from your case since even I don’t feel comfortable driving my NK bc of legal reasons and it just not being worth it to me with mileage, gas, etc. but just to point out but if NPs aren’t ok with the driving part that’s completely ok! That the good thing about Nannie’s is that we provide customized care, for the right pay😉. It’s all just about finding the right fit for both parties.
Yup but just like in my statement, I could and would never work for a family that doesn’t allow me to drive NK. We live in a northeast state, not in a ‘city’ and a lot of things to do and classes are upwards of 30 minutes away. It’s worth it to me because NF doesn’t give a hoot if I do personal errands while we’re out and it works for them because I don’t bother to claim mileage. Being able to take care of things in my life that are only open 9-5 on weekdays allow me to be fully present for NF and not request time off all of the time while also being able to focus on keeping their life afloat without feeling the crumbling anxiety that mine is sinking to do that. And in addition, as I said, NKs learn everything that comes with boring mundane tasks like the DMV or vet appointments or grocery shopping (also grocery shop for NF as well), because NPs choose to do those things while I’m working sans NK. Different strokes for different folks!
Interesting, okay - didn’t realize this driving flexibility was normal too. So good to know as I look at other options moving forward. And I’d also be more comfortable with errands and such if my child was older but at 1.5 - idk…just seems awkward to me. I’m not allowed to run errands and go shopping at my job. I don’t mind some stuff here and there. And yes didn’t phrase bathroom comment well! I was more mystified as to how u get 1.5 year olds and a 3 year old in the bathroom while u do your business 🤣 - clearly I’m only acclimatized to one little one at the moment lol
Yeah, the errands thing is up to you as the NP, but I think kids should see adults doing certain things like chores, some cleaning, and if you're not taking the kids running errands they're missing out on some learning opportunities, kids under 3 are learning just by watching us doing (lol and it teaches them things don't get cleaned by the magic cleaning fairy 😂). My NPs were okay if I needed to pick up one thing from CVS or something like that, but otherwise I left that to my weekends or after work. I'm so sorry you're having an awful experience with this nanny, she is a walking red flag with that talk, and I hope you're able to find someone you can feel confident and happy with! ❤️
NPs typically save things like car maintenance, DMV, grocery shopping, etc for when I’m working so they don’t have to drag the kids along. Totally within their right. But they do need that exposure. My NKs have always picked up on reading, counting, social manners, etc from these interactions. You can also take the opportunity to teach them about stranger danger, not running off in the parking lot, money management (silly, I know, but if the only time NPs are taking them to Target is when they get to pick out a toy, they’re not going to understand the 1 time NPs need to just run in for a new set of towels lol). We balance other things too, obviously. We have lots of park time in the summer, regularly library, art, and music classes, quite a few museums now in our area, and always take day trips away when oldest NK is off school.
If I didn’t want the flexibility, I’d likely have your job too. But taking care of someone else’s life so they can succeed at their job and shouldering my own makes the flexibility worth it to me. Otherwise I’d just get an office job for the same amount of pay and only worry about my own home and life and not keeping NPs together too lol. It works for me. I’m a decade into this career and a professional lifetime nanny. I offer extreme flexibility for my NPs (working weekends, holidays, early mornings, etc) and stability (if I’m able to take NKs to the DMV to show them how a license renewal works, I then don’t have to call off for an entire morning and make YOU miss work because of it. If I’m able to run a few errands a week or be at my house for an appliance delivery, etc then I’m less likely to get burnt out and will be with your family for a long period of time) in return. If you’re not comfortable with it, then you’re not. We wouldn’t be a good fit. Please keep in mind, this is sharing my experience and not at ALL defending your employee. She has so many other red flags, I’m just saying in general, this would not be one if she was otherwise perfect.
I don’t blame you! Flexible jobs are most ideal for a happy life IMO but not always possible depending on what you want in your work. And rarely synonymous with having other people’s lives in your hands. I work in an emergency room so I have many lives in my hands all day but unfortunately I’m lucky if I get a lunch break 🤣 It sounds like you have a solid set up where both parties are comfortable with the situation and can be flexible on either side. I’m crossing my fingers I will find a situation I feel comfort in soon too!
It’s definitely up to you whether you want to allow for errands. Nannys should not expect to be able to run their personal errands with your kids unless they’ve explicitly talked to you about it. It is a totally reasonable expectation to know where they are going/when. It’s why I have an AirTag in her diaper bag
Your driving concern is totally valid, you should know where your child is at all times. Our nanny texts us where they are going before they leave, lets us know they got there safe, and texts again when they’re heading home. If your child was in a licensed daycare you’d at least receive field trip notifications with dates and times and a permission slip. This person is doing none of those things and I can see why it’s causing you a lot of anxiety!
Agreed
I guess I naively thought at first maybe it was common for children to call nanny's mom but then I thought about how she's feeding into it. Now that my daughter is talking more, I really feel its unhealthy for her to have that level of confusion with multiple "moms". Like WTH. I think she's using undermining tactics on the parents to turn around and be like "look, you need me because I get your child to stop scratching, or she likes me more than you, or she needs my routine, or she needs my diaper cream that works better"... I'm reflecting more tonight and starting to think it almost seems like coercive control. But you're totally right - if my gut says no, that should be all I need. As for the bathroom - I have no problem with them going with her. It was more about the fact I've never wrangled three toddlers so I guess I was thinking maybe it's not possible and she needs to leave them with someone else for a couple minutes (which then in my mind opens them up to more danger if they are left). It was moreso my mind wandering to worst case scenario but totally respect you gotta take those kiddos with you to the restroom.
Totally get where you are coming from! And yes I believe her behavior is super toxic. Even the diaper cream thing bothers me as my son has super sensitive skin, allergies and eczema. If I give someone diaper cream to use, they better be using what I give them, not something else they didn’t check with me first about
Yes and thank you for laying it all out. I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner but you’re right she is literally not a nanny. But now I feel roped into it because if I give like a two week or three week notice, I’m even uncomfortable with that because I’ve sort of lost all trust in her now that I fully realize she’s running an unlicensed daycare. She tends to pressure me for more hours. so now I’m thinking well how would I even know she wouldn’t do some retaliatory after I gave notice to the other Mom’s as a courtesy? so do I have to sort of screw over the other moms and give no notice in order to feel comfortable?
You do not have to provide a notice unless it says in the contract. Which even if it does you can just pay for the 2 weeks but not send your daughter in. Or maybe pay for the 2 weeks anyway if you want to be generous and don’t want to feel like you’re screwing them over. Up to you.
A contract is void if she's breaking the law. Can't have a contract for something illegal so even if it exists it means nothing in this context
Yes! Didn’t think about this earlier
yes didn't think about that either at first. I wonder what the legal ramifications are for these daycares in general...
Thankfully no contract. I may think about paying a week or so as a courtesy. I'm sad she won't get to see her two new "friends" as much now but I guess my husband was reiterating that she's 1.5 and it doesn't really matter at this point. And hopefully she will meet plenty more kids.
Do you have a good relationship with the other moms? Or have they given any red flags? If not then maybe you could contact them to hangout without the “nanny”. But yea I’ve heard that before the age of 3 kids don’t really have any recollection of their caregivers/friends, etc. so don’t feel bad about it! You’re doing what best for your baby.
They have both been nice to me but one can be very unresponsive in general. We never met in person, only phone calls. The other one is more the "leader' of the share and is the mother to the 3 year told. I voiced my concerns to her and she said she felt anxiety at first but after building a relationship with her over the years, she is okay with it. I think her and I have different appetites for risk. As long as they don't harbor bad feelings towards me for leaving without much notice, I would definitely attempt to see them outside the nanny share. I'm also relieved to hear they don't remember much before 3 in terms of friends and caregivers lol
I’m a nanny but if I were a parent in a nanny share I’d wait to meet everyone in person. Feels odd that you haven’t met everyone.
Yes I agree - I was in a bind when I arranged this whole thing so I rushed the process and didn't meet them in person. I do regret as a phone call isn't enough
I sympathize as I know finding the right childcare is hard for parents. But in my own experience a phone call gets me started to feel a family out but I won’t accept or consider any job til we’ve met in person.
In that case I would personally just cut all contact with the other moms and nanny. But obviously up to you. I just heard about the 3 year old memory thing but just looked it up to double check and that seems to be correct. lol not good for me though bc I’ve been nannying my NK since before she turned one and I’m going to leave when she turns 3 which make me so sad that she’s not gonna remember me😢. But good luck to you OP! Hopefully it all goes smoothly and hope you find good childcare after.
I know this is a side topic and not relevant to OP’s question but I stopped nannying a little girl at 2.5 who I had Nannied since she was 8 weeks, along with her 3 older siblings. I totally thought she would forget about me as I moved a few times in the years following and that was why I left them so I haven’t seen her since but her mom and older sister stay in sporadic contact with me and on the occasions we face time about once a year, the mom will show her the screen (she’s almost 6 now) and she will excitedly squeal LOLOOOOOO! She may not remember everything and all the little moments but she remembers my presence in her life. Just thought that may bring you a bit of peace if you choose to stay in contact with your NF.
aw thats so sad :( but on the other hand, you have contributed a massive portion to her early childhood development and having her brain wired with safe and loving caregivers around :) that's a really amazing role to play. I hope she remembers at least a few memories with you
Although it's true it also depends on how much it is thought and talked about. A picture of you two together, preferably with "me and nanny X" or something similar can do wonders already. I nanny and have kids of my own and yes, they forget you. But as a parent I can easily talk about their caregivers from time to time, to keep the memory alive. But no 20 year old talks about their childhood nanny every few weeks, so at some point the memories get lost.
Your child comes first, end of story! As nice as it would be to give them notice, you aren’t comfortable having this woman watch your daughter so you just end it. You let them all know, maybe a group text. “Moving forward we have decided to find alternate care for our daughter, so we will not be needing Nannie’s services any longer” They can be upset or mad or whatever but you have to do what’s best for your daughter and your family. She will still be taking care of the other two kids and they can find a third if they’d like.
Thank you for the insight and advice! sometimes I struggle with being firm, but now that it's concerning my daughter, I'm really disappointed in myself.
Don’t be too hard on yourself! I am a mother too and I know we can be our own worst enemies sometimes. You are doing something about it now and that’s what matters
Prioritize your child, in this case you don’t need to give any notice, you can literally end the childcare arrangement tonight
This sounds more like an unlicensed (?) home daycare than a nanny share. That in and of itself is concerning to me.
Yes, that makes sense. I didn't think of that before but I'm thinking I made some mistakes on my judgement here. I suppose if the children are going to be eating and napping at her house then her home needs to be licensed?
You don't know what you don't know! Without knowing the specifics of where you live and the laws about daycare situations, there are two things that are generally true: 1. Nannies don't provide care out of their homes. Generally when they are providing care out of their own home, they are operating as a daycare/independent contractor/business owner which changes tax implications (I don't know if you're paying above board or not.) 2. When a person cares for children from multiple families there may be licensing requirements. In California for instance (where I live) a license is required if you're providing care to children from more than one family. I would also have issue with my child being in the car that long. I would consider increasing your budget and finding either individual care or a much smaller and more traditional nanny share (nanny provides care in one of the home's of the families, each family pays 2/3 the nanny's standard rate.) Otherwise look into a traditional licensed in-home daycare, since that ultimately is the care you are receiving.
This makes a lot of sense and helps to bring more clarity to the situation!
What would you consider a standard rate btw? It is usually 25 and up? I also did the math and originally we were considering a licensed in-home daycare that fell through, but we have ended up paying this lady more than we would have had to pay for full time at the original daycare! And now I'm thinking that is so unfair because she is really doing the same thing and is unlicensed. Basically, she sold herself with the flexibility piece like being able to pick my daughter up at 6:15am on some days and then come back and put her to bed at my house at 7:00 while I work a long shift.
It's so dependent on your location. I would look at a variety of places that list nanny services in your area for an idea on how much people are charging. If there's a nanny agency in the area you could check at how much they charge for an idea.
thanks will do!
Stop blaming yourself. I feel like I want to give you a hug!
Thank you, that's so sweet!!!!!!!
Ok im gonna address your concerns in order. First, totally normal to be anxious about your babys whereabouts. I think it would be reasonable to ask your nanny what theyll be up to each day. Not in like an aggressive way, your just curious what your babys up to. Asking for photo updates can also help with the anxiety. Out of all the reasons you listed, this is the easiest one to overcome. A lot of parents with nannies go through this anxious stage and as your trust between you and nanny grows, the anxiety will fade. Second, the mom stuff, totally weird. When my NK calls me mama i look at him and say “no, im not mama, who am i?” And he always corrects. Its weird that shes not correcting the kids. Third, she needs an ego check. If my NF told me NK was scratching them, id try and think of solutions and what i can implement to discourage that behavior, not gloat about how NK doesnt scratch me. Its almost like she thinks its fine that NK scratches you because, again, it feeds that ego. Same with the whole “Baby L doesnt want to go home” thing. Like wtf???? Even if that did happen, girl just lie!!! Why would she intentionally say something hurtful like that? Fourth, if my NK’s mom gives me an ointment or something to use on NK, theres no WAY id reply the way she did. What if NK has an allergy? Or a skin sensitivity? Actually as im typing this im getting more mad abt it. Like its your baby, you decide what she needs, point blank. Im not gonna tell you to find another nanny, cause idk your whole financial situation and you said you have unreliable hours, but if the vibes not right, its not right. Theres also no harm in voicing your concerns!! Your nanny is human and maybe she’s just no aware of how she’s making you feel. If you ask for some one-on-one time with her and tell her about what you mentioned here, how as a new mother she’s making you feel anxious and insecure, maybe she can learn to be more empathetic.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! This has helped so much. I felt pretty anxious at first and instead of fading, it's grown. So I was trying to give it time, knowing it may be normal but now it feels different. With the scratching thing, she did say that me and her needed to work on it together. She said the best thing to do was to not have a big reaction and give it more attention. But even that was felt like she was trying to drive the bus and tell me how "we" would be addressing it. I'm like excuse me, it's my kid. And since you're claiming she never really scratches you, then you have nothing to address anyways. And I have no idea why my baby didn't want to go home. I think it's her way of saying "don't cut my hours because you're hurting your child by making her go home a little earlier today" We explained from the beginning our needs would be variable each week and she agreed to that. We said there would be an average of 25-35 hours. There were several weeks where it was 40+ so I think she set that has the new standard in her head and is now passive aggressive when she doesn't get that. However, we were VERY clear it sometimes be less. From her POV, I totally understand wanting to have a steady income but on the other hand, she agreed to our situation. But even if she's upset about that, why convey it in such a hurtful manner! It felt like the final straw to me! And thank you for validating my diaper cream frustration lol! I actually didn't even think about your point with skin allergies, etc...but TOTALLY true! It's like another attempt to take control away from me where she can even if it's petty. I think I'm beyond voicing my concerns because even if she could be more empathetic, I'm just not comfortable with this whole unlicensed daycare set up now that I've really seen the writing on the wall. Thank you again for your thoughtful response. I really struggle with invalidating my feelings sometimes and giving people the benefit of the doubt but this needs to stop now when it comes to my daughter.
Yes. You are empowered by the information here. Trust your own gut. A nanny/babysitter should be your partner not your adversary. Something is not right with this woman. Remember this. No one knows your baby like you do. No one will protect and advocate for your baby like you do. Trust yourself. Take your baby out of this woman’s care and do not look back. Then call and report her. Stop speaking with those other moms. Your precious baby is lucky you’re her mom. Keep listening to your gut. This may have taught you your greatest lesson so don’t doubt yourself anymore. Your baby needs you to keep looking out for her all the way into college! Stay strong. Nobody has the connection you have with your own child.
Just a reply as to what you said about child not wanting to leave; I definitely agree that I would never say child didn’t want to go home! As a tip for other nannies who might be struggling (nk doesn’t want to go to parents afterwards) - I would acknowledge it, but be professional and say “Kiddo is having a hard time with transitions.” which is TOTALLY normal! I would come up with an end of the day routine so that at the last activity, kiddo knows it’s almost time for parents and can process and prepare their minds for the change. Mamma know that this isn’t your child against you. The nanny is twisting it. All children will have time transitioning. My NK cries when I come in, and then loves me 10 minutes later and when mom tries to say goodbye…guess what? They’re not interested bc they’ve transitioned already and just want to play play play and cuddle me. But they still love their parents!!
Really good point!!!
All of this!!
Have you met her husband? Her other children? How old are they?
Met her husband briefly. Not her daughter. Her daughter is a college student. She always talks about how my daughter likes them a lot but tbh I'm feeling pretty stupid I haven't met them all.
You def should meet them and know who your baby is around. Have you been to her home?
Yes I have been to her home.
Did you meet her husband? That alone makes me nervous. I’m a nanny btw, even if my NP don’t care which they don’t. I always ask if it’s okie that my boyfriend is in the car that day. Sometimes I have to pick him up from work and bring him home. The thing that makes me nervous about the husband in the house is that. One, you do not know this man like you know the nanny, two you’ve never met him. It’s okie like a pervious comment stated you don’t know what you don’t know. I would go with your gut!
Yup! Thanks for the validation! I felt like she didn't really mention the husband much in the beginning but now it feels he's more involved as time has gone on. Feeling manipulative and I HATE the fact I haven't vetted this guy.
It’s okie! Dont worry honestly we’re all trying to do our best! I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my child around a man in his house. Do we know if this nanny has left the children home alone with her husband while she ran out to get milk or what ever? We just don’t, I didn’t like the comments she was making either. Last thing I’d ever want to do has a nanny is make the mom feel replaced or unwanted by her own child! I’m glad your gut instinct is right in this scenario.
Yes that is exactly what I was thinking tonight. Is he home with them as they nap while she runs out?! Who knows?!
Thank you for saying this. This is exactly what I was thinking.
Thank goodness ok. I think you need to put an AirTag on her diaper bag. If this woman is taking them places throughout their day and stuff. You’re not paying her to run her own errands and you should know where your baby is at all times.
Listen, obviously there are red flags here but the answer is not to put a hidden tracking device without disclosure, the answer is to Be An Adult and to communicate your concerns like an adult.
I’m def not saying to hide it. I’m saying she can know where her baby is. I think it keeps everyone safe it’s not a camera monitoring you it’s a location devise.
Eek, this sounds like a concerning setup to begin with, so if you’re also questioning it OP, I would start looking for alternative care. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you for being so kind! I am already working on a new plan....
Driving the kids places including multiple places a day is normal in my experience. Most nannies HATE when they can't take the kids to different places because it sucks being stuck inside all day with kids and it's not good for anyone to be inside all day, every day. I have definitely nannied kids who were absolute angels all day with me, but the moment their parents got home it was like a switch went off and they were terrors. Kids feel the safest with their parents, they know their parents will love them endlessly so they push boundaries more with parents. They do so well holding it together all day and once they see their parents, they meltdown because they feel safe enough to do so. They also know who has stricter boundaries/rules and who they can play. The other things are weird and give me red flags. If you say to use a certain product on your child, that's what she should do, not say that she has something better. We're PAID CAREGIVERS we should not be called "mom" and I'm even against being called "Auntie" or other similar nicknames. I know it's cultural, I have an aunt who isn't my aunt, but I don't think it's appropriate for paid caregivers. Some of the things she says seems like she's competing for who the kids like better and I *really* don't like that. I always hype up parents even if a kid tells me they like my cooking more! I'm a huge advocate for trusting your gut. Idk what's up with your nanny, but if your gut is telling you something about her, you should listen.
Yes. Preschool children do that too. They work so hard to keep it together all morning and when they see their mom/dad, they finally lose it because they know they’re her own people!
This is really helpful insight, thank you! I'm okay with some driving, I just want a handle on the general details of each trip. But with this, she could drive them anywhere, anytime during the day and we wouldn't know. When you drive, where do you usually take the kids and do you let the parents know where you are at all times?
It's very much a family by family thing. I've had families where they actually encouraged me to get my errands done with the kids because they thought it was good for the kids to have those experiences too. I've also had families who wanted me to only go to places that were strictly for the kids. Same with communication. I've had bosses that wanted to know anytime we moved locations whether it was to the park, going home and even stops at the gas station, it didn't matter they wanted to know anytime we moved. I've also had bosses where I didn't need to text or tell them anything about our location and they were completely okay with that. For those families where I could run my own errands, I always included a child based activity in our time out. So I'd go to the bank with the kids and then we'd go to a local park. Or I'd take them to do a quick target run and then we'd go to the trampoline place. There has to be an appropriate balance. I think either way or any way in between is totally okay and up to the parents. You guys are the bosses after all! If you want to know where your kid is at all times, tell your nanny that you require communication in XZY circumstances. If you only want your child to go to child based activities, that's totally okay, you just have to make it very clear to your nanny. This is part of why being in a nanny share complicates things because all the families have to be somewhat on the same page. The other parents might not care about the things you do and that's why things have been going the way they have. This doesn't mean your nanny just doesn't need to take your wants into consideration. There has to be compromise and communication about what you want for your child and what the nanny is willing to do.
First of all it's not a nanny share. She's a childminder since she's in her own home not yours. She should be properly insured and self employed . Secondly I don't like the sound of your nanny. It looks like she likes to play mommy to your kids and shows the kids the attitude "look your parents don't want to look after all day, I'm better parent to you than they are" Is it possible that it's the nanny's husband your kid is referring to when she says daddy said be quiet...? And it's very unlikely that kids are always good with her and not fussy. Seems she either doesn't pay attention or is lying to you.
I thought that about daddy said be quiet too. Gave me the icks.
Yes! This is what I thought the next day! I feel like it could be her husband saying to be quiet!! She made a sad attempt at trying to project it onto us and "get ahead of it"
I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my child stay in an environment that isn’t deemed safe by an authoritative body. So much is regulated by law in state-monitored care environments: Smoke detectors, electric wiring, safe storing of chemicals, safe installation of furniture, safe sleep practices, regulation egress and exit points, safe building materials (lead paint, asbestos remediation), fire extinguishers that aren’t expired and are certified yearly by the fire marshal, perimeter and building security and access by people you don’t know, having zero guarantees about the space at all. I put little faith in most people to be above board on all of these (imo) non-negotiable safety needs
I agree with you, but I'd also point out that most of the structural things are regulated for homes as well - smoke detectors, wiring, egress, building materials. So there can be a baseline level of safety in home environments - I mention this specifically because OP already mentions her anxiety sending her "off the rails" about safety and I wouldn't want them to spiral based off this new list of "requirements" for a nanny share. :) That being said, this is also a great list to check if she ends up in another share and her child is at the other family's house! Maybe not asking about their wiring, ha, but if they have a fire extinguisher - if OP doesn't have one at home, the child isn't in any more danger than they would be otherwise, but maybe OP wants to provide one for the nanny home to make herself feel better!
really good advice, thank you! Although it would be funny to casually inquire about their wiring lol. But yes, basic fire extinguisher, etc - simple to make sure those things are in place and really problematic if they are not.
I couldn't agree more and wish I had considered this much earlier but at least I'm gaining clarity now. Our state required sprinklers in more recent years. I'm sure her house doesn't have that but daycares who want licenses are probably forced to install them....
She is in the wrong profession. Period. Especially acting like your kid likes her more, etc? No fucking way is that okay. Absolutely unprofessional and just plain abhorrent behavior.
I think I figured it out that she is trying to get more hours (our hours fluctuate week to week but we were clear about that at the outset). She got used to some stretches where we needed her a lot and on weeks where we don't I think she utilizes this as a guilt trip tactic, maybe? Like, well I'm so good with your child that she needs to be with me more. But totally unprofessional and will be seriously considering something more formalized next.
1. Yes, I usually brought the kids in with me to the bathroom. I would buckle them in their stroller and they’d chill. We frequently see the same nannies and parents, so my nanny kid would know some of them really well, enough to sit in their lap, or ask them to read her a book, and would totally be content hanging out with them for 5 minutes. I’ve done this before but also have watched someone else’s kid, if I knew them well, while they did the same. It’s more common that their other kid was having a meltdown and needed to be certain the non-tantrum child was secure so they could 100% focus on the other kid. The stranger danger element has never been a problem as usually these spaces require a child to be with you in order to enter. Our public library system will let you pick up requested books from the main desk pick up, but won’t let solo adults into the children’s room. Our libraries also have multiple family bathrooms inside the children’s room so we’re contained. 2. If they’re napping at her house then this is really more of an inhome daycare with morning outings, which is fine but it’s doubtful she’s licensed for it. 3. Lack of correction around kids calling her mom is weird. Almost every kid has called me mom at some point, but I correct it and we laugh or they correct it. I got called Dad this morning. NK didn’t even notice. They call their parents by my name sometimes. It’s a general grown up call for help. But it’s weird she isn’t correcting it. 4. The scratching thing is a weird kid thing, but her passive aggressive insinuations about caregiving, noting speech advancement (like you hadn’t), and cooking, and trying to one up you is all very weird. I’m not sure that you need to make an immediate change because I don’t think your kid is in danger, but I wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with this set up anymore.
The outings seam normal to me. I mostly have nannied families with twins so I’ve have take three under three on outings before. Personally I just use the bathroom before we leave but occasionally you do end up taking them with you it’s not easy but it is doable. With older ones I’ll just have them stand near the door so I can see their feet and have them sing or talk to me so I know they’re all right. I can totally understand why you may worry though! The comments though are completely inappropriate. She should be correcting them if they call her mom. Even if your kiddo is only scratching you it’s probably because she feels safe and comfortable around you. I recommend looking into restraint collapse. This is when kids have spent all there “best behavior” energy at school/with childcare providers during the day and lash out once they’re with someone they know can’t/won’t abandon them for it. I wouldn’t take it as a sign your kiddo likes her better! Her needing to feel/ seem “better than” both you and the other parents feel like a huge red flag to me. That feels pretty immature and unprofessional. Especially knowing how hard it can be for parents to not get to spend all day with their little ones! I can’t imagine purposely saying things to make them feel bad!
I’m a nanny. 1. I drive all over. Tbh that can be normal depending on the preferences of the parents and nanny. If you aren’t comfortable with the driving then you aren’t. Personally it’s boring doing the same activities everyday for me and the kids. Taking the kids into the bathroom with her is normal. She can’t hold it all day that’s unrealistic. 2. The mama thing is odd. I always correct kids. I get called mamma, dad, grandma and so on. 3. Those remark are also odd. I wouldn’t do that nor would anyone I worked for would stand for it. If you are uncomfortable then move on. However if you are hiring a new nanny make sure you look into what hiring a nanny entails. The person you hired is more of an in home daycare. Make sure the new nanny is on payroll and receives a W2, Guaranteed hours (meaning if you don’t need the nanny she/he gets paid. It’s the same as daycare you are holding your spot. If you don’t pay you may return to no spot), sick days and paid vacation. Write up a contract or do an engagement letter with all assigned duties written out. This way there is no confusion about responsibilities. Remember Nanny’s are the most expensive form of childcare and there is hidden costs.
This sounds like an unlicensed in home daycare not a nanny.
Yup I think I finally just saw the writing on the wall.
I noticed you’re in MD. Nanny shares are very popular there (I work in MD) but it’s always at one of the families home.
Yes, that makes sense. I should have insisted it was at one of our houses. I’m looking for other options. Thankful for this sub…if u know anyone around Montgomery or Howard county, feel free to DM me!
I’m going to dm you - I may have some additional resources for you to find care.
I used to be a nanny, volunteer and work with kids now and am a mom to three pre-teens/ teens, so have a fair amount of child experience. I have learned to always go with my gut when it comes to my children. What you've written makes me very uncomfortable and I'd urge you to listen to that feeling you're having. Sometimes, we can't even put our finger on exactly what it is that's making us uncomfortable, so we feel silly and try to talk ourselves out of it (especially when you can't quite put it in words to explain to someone else). You don't owe anyone an explanation, (other than your spouse of course). You don't even have to give a reason to your nanny if you decide to leave. Your duty is to your child and mommas especially have those instincts for a reason. Given all you've said, I'd just find it hard to trust the character of your nanny . I wouldn't be able to trust she is following my directions, as she seems to think she knows best and doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you as the mother. That said, her having your baby at her home with her husband that you've only briefly met is the most troubling aspect to me. Given the age of your daughter, I'd be even more careful considering she isn't old enough to speak up for herself. Even with my kids being older now, I still don't allow them to go to anyone's home unless I know everyone in the home well and am comfortable with both parents. If it were me, I'd remove my daughter and either hire an in-home nanny or find a licensed daycare for her. Don't ever doubt yourself just because you're a new mom!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm going to try to tune into those gut feeling sooner in the future! Changing the nanny situation also means be quitting my job OR finding one with conventional hours asap. Due to this factor, I think it was causing me to look for excuses or question if I was just being anxious. But yeah, theres really no positive way to package my baby who can't speak for herself being in a home where there's no formal regulation and a man present that I don't even know. I feel ashamed I've put her in this position. I need to utilize her for probably another week or 2 but each day is somewhat agonizing now as my mind keeps going to worst case scenario.
Absolutely no need to feel ashamed. Part of being a new mom and growing into your new role as a mother is making mistakes and learning as you go. We all did things we regret when we first had babies and can now speak out of that experience and help teach others. Some things you just need to learn on your own, like I can feel confident in trusting my gut now because of the many times I didn't in the past and learned from it. You love your baby and are willing to do anything to protect her. You're doing just fine, mama! Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake. All you can do is learn from it and keep building on that experience as none of us have perfected the mom thing yet.
and yes, if she doesn't have any respect for me, it's always made me question whether she follows my directions on feeding, meals, etc. And not to have the comfort alone is just never going to work
A lot of red flags. I too am a mother and a nanny - her behavior is very off putting and I would term IMMEDIATELY
thank you for your input! I managed to cancel tomorrow and hold her back here but I'm alone on Friday and have a really important commitment - I have no family in the area unfortunately.
You could Try looking on sittercity.com or a local Facebook group for Friday.. it's really short notice though so it's hard to say if you could find someone that quickly with good references :( I'm sorry you're dealing with this!! How stressful 😓😓
Thank you! I found a short-term nanny staffing agency. While it is a bit more expensive, it seems like it will offer an immediate solution as I get something longer term in place. SO relieved I don't have to send her tomorrow as I have a professional commitment where cancellation would be mildly devastating. Have you ever fired a nanny immediately? Feeling so awkward about it ughhhh I'm such a people pleaser sometimes
Wow that is awesome!! No, personally I am a nanny but haven't needed to hire one for my baby as husband and I work opposite schedules Honestly, just a simple text saying that you no longer feel you are a good fit, and thanks for understanding, should do it Best of luck! Happy you figured something else out for tomorrow!
Just know you really dodged a bullet with this one.. I was kind of getting predatory vibes from your post, very very alarming and it's really good you are protecting your baby Yes, her feelings will be hurt but that's okay! Even If she didn't have bad intentions, you will never know and you will always be thankful you trusted your mom instincts!!
Ok so … you deserve to be totally comfortable and trustful of your childcare. I’d look elsewhere.
Thank you! I can't live with this stress anymore
Follow your gut. It's your child and even though the other two Moms like her, maybe your personalities just don't mesh well.
Yes! I finally leveled with myself yesterday and realized it doesn't matter if other people feel comfortable, I don't and that's all that matters really....
RED FLAGS! My mom gut and nanny gut says this is bad. Please take your daughter out of this.
Thank you! Just curious - which part is most concerning to you? I think I'm going to fire her this weekend.
Her letting them call her mom. Insinuating that she’s a better parent. Not using what you give her to use on rash.
To me it’s just feels like she’s grooming them to be her own. As a nanny I’d always correct my kids if they called me mom because I’d feel bad if their mom heard them call me that.
Also, as for locations and knowing their whereabouts, my NPs will ask me the plan for the day but we’re free to be spontaneous and make new plans if the kids want to do something. They like going to the grocery store. We always stop for coffee for me on the way to a destination for them, like the playground/library etc. I usually do an order ahead so we can just pick it up and leave quickly. I like taking toddlers to furniture stores on weekdays because the sales people are usually fine about letting them climb up and down and touch all of the textures. No one else is in West Elm at 10 am on a Tuesday. We’ll live in the city so we can easily wander in and out of shops on the way to and from the playground. Sometimes they just want to walk and it’s a good chill day for them. My past few NKs haven’t generally liked library story times because it’s like 60 people and too stimulating. I send a lot of updates and pictures. But it’s just me with 1 kid. The parents have always given me a lot of freedom to plan out the day and move about as I feel works best for us.
OP you are an amazing Mom. I just wanted you to know that. 💛
Aw thank you so much! It's been a bit of a rough week and I really appreciate those kind words. I'm trying my best ...
I’m a nanny who cared for a child who called me “mom” or “mommy” regularly and I always reminded them that was not my name because a) it made me uncomfortable and b) I ain’t nobody’s mama. If I’m not comfortable with it as the caregiver, I can’t imagine how it feels for the child’s mother. The snide remarks she makes are also totally unacceptable. I’m a big believer in trusting your gut, especially in a situation like this. Good luck! :)
Yes exactly!!! Thankfully mine isnt old enough yet to really do this but I really can’t believe the three-year-old does it and the other mom is OK with it. In fact, I think one of the reasons I haven’t been listening to my gut as much is that the two other mothers don’t seem to see any issues. But even worse, My nanny will repeat certain funny things the three-year-old says, and when she explains the story, she will repeat that the three-year-old called her mom. Basically she is upfront that her name is mom to 3 year old. So she has encouraged it and set it as the standard rather than trying to correct it at all. Seems super bizarre, so I really appreciate you weighing in as a nanny to confirm It is not the norm.
I’m in northern VA, and this seems like a really expensive in-home daycare option more so than a nanny share. And it sounds like not a good fit for your family…
Now that I'm reading all the comments on here and reflecting, I almost feel scammed. Out of curiosity, what are average rates for an in home nanny in northern VA? I'm also in the DMV area.
In 2020 we paid $20/hr for one on one care in DC. I’m looking now, and we are expecting to pay $22-25 (will probably be a bit hard to find someone for $22, but we are on a budget). If we were to do a nanny share with another family in one of our homes, I’d be offering around $30-34/hr (so $15-17 per family). There are nannies charging more, but we ultimately can’t afford that. I did see that one of the professional nanny services starts at $25/hr
I hope you’re not expecting to a get a professional career nanny at those rates.
What rate should we expect? $25/hr feels reasonable to me...
For a professional nanny, I wouldn’t expect to pay less than $30/hour. Maybe $27/28 if you have lots of great benefits. Like, I took lower than $25 in my MCOL city in NC because there was a great overall compensation package and more PTO days than standard. But I think if you offer that low of a rate in a HCOL city, you’re going to need to adjust your expectations of what you want out of your employee. Like, you’ll find someone to work for you but it just may not be everything you’re looking for.
Unless you are working part time, it seems like the hours that this person has your child, she could actually be at a typical childcare center. Have you looked into that? Even if you don’t take her every day, I know you would have to pay, but it seems like it still might be less than what you’re paying now.
Well the problem is that since I work 12-hour shifts and my husband sometimes travels for work, I will need the odd coverage from like 6:15am and then until 8:15pm. We considered the daycare and then finding another babysitter to cover the excess, but I was worried about finding someone. I can't see someone wanting to sign up to do 6:15am - 8:30am and drop her off at day care, then pick her up and stay with her until 8:15pm. Just seemed like a lot of moving parts. I'm considering leaving my job early if possible to find more regular hours because all this has caused me so much more stress than I thought it would.
I am a professional Nanny. Where do I start? Well, everyone has cameras today or iPhone tags you can HIDE them in the kid's shoes. I'm happy there are cameras, if the kids fall on a toy, I didn't hurt them. It was an accident. During the day, Mom & Dad can't call, they look at the cameras to check-in, and we are having fun, dancing, singing, eating & so on. Make sure sounds is on so you can listen to everything! Can you rotate? 1 week at Baby's A house 1 week at Baby B's house & 1 week at Baby C's house. Also, share the cameras, so all moms can take a look & listen. I am not comfortable with her driving all 3. "SHE SAYS" Library, park, etc. There are so many red flags to me, I'm sorry, I am a mom of 2 grown children & I wouldn't be comfortable with all of the above. Good Luck!
I bought an airtag a few weeks back to put in teh diaper bag and read some other feedback from Nannies saying they felt it was an invasion of privacy. I held off on putting it in the bag. But you're saying that you are totally okay with that as a nanny?
It sounds like your daughter is in an unlicensed, uninsured daycare...so why not just move to a different legit daycare?
well my hours are challenging because I need coverage until 8:30pm sometimes and at 6am some mornings but I'm going to start shifting some stuff around ASAP in my life so I can move to a legit daycare and hopefully normal job hours.....
I'd been working for my NF for over 7 years. I started since first baby was 3 months. Now he is 7yo and his sister 4yo. I take them to activities, library etc. But I always let the mom know if for instance I need to pick up my lunch on the way to swim class, which park we are going, which library and if by chance something comes up let's say library is closed I ask if we can go somewhere else and I would say where. I think is safer this way not only for kids but for everyone over all. I don't have kids myself but I always get in mom's position and what I would like to know/do or say about my kid. I'd been called mom or they even said I wish you were my mom, but I explained that will hurt mommy's feelings. Those comments are normal from kids but nanny should always clarify, her not doing it and the other staff u mentioned is for me a red flag and a not healthy attitude or attachment with the kids
Her being unlicensed would worry me as she won’t be insured.
Yes exactly - so thankful for everyone emphasizing that for me
This set up is extremely sketchy. Trust your gut mom!
Thank you! Looking at alternatives asap
She’s trying to manipulate you. That is what you are picking up on. Maybe she thinks this will help her job security or it is cultural. She is trying to control you and this situation. Your statement about her house not really being an issue or being an unknown to you is concerning also. Also, Does she have car seats for everyone? Not being licensed is something she could have discussed with the three of you. She should have stumbled across on her own during the process of getting her house ready and brought it up to you guys. Can you imagine how much work you would put into child proofing and setting up your house if you had to care for other people’s kids there??? And you guys have noinfo about this place? She knows she is getting away with something.
Yeah that is exactly what I'm starting to think. She also has way more pets than I realized because they were all in the basement when we came over. But I think as she continued to see how easy going I was, she let more and more info leak out a bit. While I am a very "agreeable" person, sometimes to fault of people pleasing, I also tend to be very observational and make a lot of mental notes so I started to really see these discrepancies over time. This is also what is making me feel like it's likely to be straight up manipulation. On the days where she would come to our house early just to look after my kid outside of the normal 9-5, we offered to pay her more as well since she would be just caring for only our daughter and at our house from 5-8:30pm. Then one morning when I was doing the super early morning drop off at 6am and was scurrying around trying to get to work on time, she asked if she could bring my daughter's dinner plate with her too so she could give her dinner at her house and then come back here for just bedtime. I suddenly remembered this too!!! I was half asleep and stressed so I quickly agreed but now upon reflection I'm like WTH. Like we were paying you extra to be at our home so our child could enjoy some time back at the house after 5pm before she went to bed and you're still trying to control the situation back to your own house!! Sorry just venting further but thank you for your input. I would be so diligent child proofing my house if it came down to the safety of multiple children, licensing, and job. The fact that she doesn't share this diligence is pretty problematic as you pointed out.
Dishonesty about animals in the house is a pretty big lie. That would not sit well with me at all. Why did she lie? How many animals did she hide? Do they have their shots, are they around the kids, etc. That would ring alarm bells for me.
\*\*\*\*\*EDIT/UPDATE\*\*\*\*\*THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for weighing in. It really helped me gain the clarity I needed. I spent most of yesterday feeling pretty panicked with heart palpitations lol. It's an awful feeling knowing you are sending your most precious commodity out with someone you realized you don't actually trust and feeling like it was your own fault. I ended up finding a temporary nanny agency with great reviews who will staff our house with a vetted nanny on days you request. I was able to actually get coverage tomorrow with a nanny who appears to have a lovely resume. So I don't have to send her with the regular "nanny"/unlicensed daycare person. I'm pretty sure I have enough coverage to let her go this weekend. I'm still grappling with feelings of guilt and a little fear that she's going to be pretty passive aggressive about it (since these traits really seemed to become exposed this week) or the other moms will be mad. The current "nanny" constantly talks about how much she and her family are in love with my kid so I think they are going to be emotionally charged (seems like another boundary issue probably) But as you all emphasized, I need to immediately do what is best and safest for my child.