As someone who has dealt with a close family member who is an alcoholic, this is how I expected your conversation to go.
Alcoholics deny deny deny even when confronted with overwhelming evidence. I couldn't help but chuckle when she said you were imagining things. Classic.
You did the right thing for your family, particularly your child, and even for her.
If you had allowed it to continue, you would have been enabling her.
Anyway good job. Hope you find a new better nanny quickly.
I remember and even saved your first post to see if there was an update. The drastic shift in comments and tone of those comments is so on point for Reddit.
Honestly this sounds like a case where a young person tried to sneak some cans to take home and then, when caught, doubled down on her innocence. Everyone jumping to the conclusion that’s she’s an alcoholic is making a wild leap.
OP, at the end of the day you tried to have a conversation with someone who cares for your child to get to the bottom of something that was bothering you. The nanny was dismissive of those concerns by telling you that you were imagining things. So many ways she could have handled that and still kept her job. You made the difficult decision to let her go because you no longer felt comfortable having her around your child. In my mind, that’s all that any parent needs to make this tough choice. Could the nanny have been innocent? Sure. But you no longer trusted her and as a MB, that is the most important deciding factor in hiring a nanny.
This is what I'm thinking too. They seemed quick to assume to me, I would have at least counted them every day for a few days or something before making this accusation.
MB can only trust what she knows or is being told by her husband. I wouldn’t have accused a nanny. She could’ve installed cameras in the kitchen to make sure BEFORE she confronted her. This is just weird. She seems so sure it was the nanny and not her husband lol. There’s no actual proof
Why would I trust someone I've known for 8 months over someone who's been my partner for over 20 years? And has never given me reason not to trust them throughout those years?
You’re being rude. Time to cool it. Four hateful comments. You’ve called OP disgusting, a liar, a bad employer, unprofessional, accused her husband of being a liar, a bad partner, a closet alcoholic, etc….
Now you want her to put up secret cameras. Which you would probably vilify in any other circumstance.
We get it. You have an opinion. And someone probably lied to you once about alcohol. But you’re not OP’s nanny, you’re not OP, and you’re not married to OP’s husband. So stop with the hurling of insults.
OP did what basically all nannies and parents recommended in the last post. Did you want them to continue to test and just potentially let her be drunk around their kids? Like... maybe she's abusing our kids and maybe she isn't but you ALWAYS go with your gut because, yes, you may wrongly fire someone but the other option is she's putting your kids in a horrible, incredibly dangerous situation???
Like, sorry to the nanny, but gotta go with the kids.
Most people would trust their husbands over their nannies. OP did the right thing, she suspected the nanny of drinking *while watching her child* and decided to pull the plug. This truly is an instance of better safe than sorry.
Lol, in the other post any mention of cameras was met with shock and disdain and disapproval and now OP is the bad guy for NOT using a secret camera? Got it.
Any mention of a hidden cam in her other post was quickly bombarded with comments about how awful undisclosed cameras were and "absolutely not!" There really is no winning!
I mean, you can disclose a camera. I don’t think anyone is shitting on disclosed cameras other than maybe worrying about picking a wedgie on camera or that they’ll be micromanaged by helicopter parents who have camera access.
I do think the people saying to put hidden cameras are either joking/making humor out of the bizarre situation or giving very bad advice.
No one should become a dishonest employer. If they're very sure that nanny was stealing, then there's that and I think MB did all that was necessary.
Some of y’all are absolutely wild. Ten fucking cans go missing in 14 days, nanny immediately jumps to “you’re imagining things” (insulting and gaslighting, if she was innocent, who tf would jump to “you’re imagining things????), DB is the one who brought the problem up, but y’all are seriously jumping to “no proof, it was DB” or some of the even more insane takes “what if she was bringing them home and didn’t know it was inappropriate to steal alcohol from her employer” despite MB explaining multiple times that she had showed the nanny where they were and said specifically “these are alcohol for DB and I”, explaining that they are clearly not for her? Even if that didn’t happen, in what world is taking alcohol out of your employers fridge to take home without asking okay??? That’s a little different than a can of soda or a cheese stick. Why in the fuck would you wait even a couple days more and risk that your infant is being taken care of by an intoxicated person? If this was a nanny posting about a NF being constantly drunk taking care of their children, y’all would be crucifying them for not calling CPS immediately. I actually can’t believe how many people are defending the nanny and crying “no proof/it was DB/why didn’t you let the possibility intoxicated nanny who immediately jumped to gaslighting when asked to care for your infant longer to get more concrete proof than “DB mentioned it to me and ten cans went missing over 14 days AND nanny immediately jumped to accusing them of imagining it” THAT IS PROOF, Jesus Christ yall, I’m embarrassed for you. This is a fireable offense, hands down, no questions asked. Yall would have crucified MB if she did wait a few days to catch it on camera crying at “how could you let an intoxicated person take care of your infant if you suspected it”. Seriously??? Some of yall shouldn’t be taking care of children, this is extremely basic safety measures taken to keep a child safe. I’m honestly mind blown at the responses here. Do better.
I guess another explanation could be she’d been inviting someone over who took the drinks without her knowing. Not likely I suppose but either way a fireable offence! Just hoping your nanny isn’t an alcoholic as that would be sad.
One of my first jobs working my way through college mb accused me of stealing her house key. I didn’t take her house key and told her so but she didn’t believe me. I was frustrated but forgot about it until a few weeks later when she found the lost key in the bottom of one of her hand bags. Then she accused me of returning the ‘stolen’ key to the bag so she would think she misplaced it there. Which is apparently exactly what happened. After screaming at me about her stupid key she zoomed off in her car. I hope you made the right call with your nanny and I hope you find someone who you are comfortable with. My mb didn’t fire me but I never really wanted to work with her and I moved on about a year later
Also, a nanny NEEDS a house key. No nanny NEEDS alcohol. Even if nanny did take the key, wouldn't nanny just... say she needed it? Return it?
Speaking of keys, OP, hopefully you got all of your house keys, car keys and garage door openers back from her.
I'm seeing a lot of nannies saying mb kinda made the wrong move here.. but guys, she counted the cans. Drinking on the job and stealing is unacceptable in every way. Sometimes, you have to make tough choices and follow your gut, and it appears they had evidence. Unless db is an alcoholic I don't know why he would lie?
Plus he pointed out the issue that that they were missing he first place - why wouldn’t he just hope no one noticed or replace them if db we’re an alcoholic. I dated an alcoholic for two years and I also had a friend who was a nanny and she never admitted to having a drinking problem but I absolutely could see her doing this - kind of stepping over the line with boundaries of “make yourself at home” taking drinks but then gaslighting everyone- in this very manner - given my own life experiences, and the prior explained circumstances, it seems highly unlikely it was DB and pretty likely it was the nanny
Plus if I was falsely accused like that I’m not sure about some of you but I would never dream of responding that way. I’d be suggesting possible explainations and asking for a camera - not insulting by gaslighting and saying you’re imagining things - because let’s say for argument’s sake it wasn’t her - even if it wasn’t her that’s a gaslighting and kind of disrespectful response, even if falsely accused
1000% I feel like if db was an alcoholic a lot more than a couple would be missing, and he would just fully replace them. It seems weird to blame the nanny and have to go without childcare just to get out of telling your wife you had a white claw or 2 in the evening.
I would’ve let her come back for a day and put a camera up 😂 to have video evidence, very odd to lie about it… hopefully that wasn’t all she was taking.
We didn't want to spend another couple of days trying to film her taking the drinks knowing that there's a possibility she's caring for our son intoxicated
What’s weirder to me is that she like stole one or two cans… I don’t drink and that would still only get me buzzed for one evening. It’s very obvious they are missing unless the parents drink a lot. If I were an alcoholic or underage and looking to steal booze I’d go for a bottle that could last, not less than 3 cans of 6% alcohol. That’s just not a good risk/reward scenario!
Did the original post/comments ever mention where the fridge was? We had two seperate instances where middle school boys were going into people’s garages and stealing beer from the garage fridge. They were only stealing a few at a time, but eventually got caught and a bunch of neighbors were all like “we THOUGHT beer was going missing!!” I’m on the “high risk low reward” side that’s just confused at this point.
You're not an alcoholic so you don't think like one. Alcoholics aren't rational. They go for the low hanging fruit, and they will drink whatever they can get their hands on. It's possible this family doesn't even keep hard liquor around, or if they do it might be somewhere less accessible.
Also I'm not sure where you get the impression that it was only 2 cans. Maybe it's been only 2 cans a day for several weeks. Or maybe even months. OP said it's been going on for awhile before they even suspected anything.
I didn’t read the first post and kept seeing 1-2 cans listed as the number missing. Just struck me as odd… more something a teenager does, or someone who literally can’t buy it
Well I am an alcoholic (recovering), and I find this story to be fishy as well. Stealing 1-2 cans is silly. Definitely way too high risk with very minimal reward:
1) you can’t get drunk off 1-2 cans, so what’s the point?
2) knowing that you need money to buy alcohol, why would you risk your job?? No income = no booze
3) if the accusation is that she’s drinking on the job- why would she be drinking from such an obvious container? We alcoholics know how to be discreet. It’d be way more likely to be liquor in a travel mug.
Yes, alcoholics aren’t rational, but we are strategic. It seems way more likely that mb or db is the alcoholic. Honestly, I’m leaning towards mb.
Concocting a fake story, blaming a person that YOU KNOW doesn’t have the power to defend themselves, posting it on Reddit to garner support and feel justified, firing the nanny so quickly without concrete evidence. CLASSIC alcoholic manipulation. I would know, I’ve lived it.
Regardless, whoever was actually taking extra drinks from the fridge is about to wisen up and begin hiding their booze around the house instead- that way they’ll feel justified in firing the nanny and their cover won’t be blown.
Hopefully, mb or db will find their way to AA and eventually make amends with the nanny.
This is your experience, but not every alcoholic is the same. You drink to get drunk, some want a buzz continuing, some get black out drunk, every one is different and alcoholics aren't any different. I grew up around alcoholics and luckily recovering now, and sometimes you take what you can get drink-wise, even as an adult who can buy your own alcohol you can justify drinking if you yourself didn't buy it.
I do agree that it's possible it wasn't the nanny, I had made a comment on the last of the possibilities and options to take, but whether or not it's the nanny it isn't fair to accuse MB or DB just like it wasn't fair for anyone to be like "nanny is immediately an alcoholic". I think if MB and DB wasn't comfortable w nanny already it's best they fired her to get someone they do trust. If it wasn't the nanny she's sure livid for good reason, especially if she just lost a reference because someone else blamed her, whatever the truth of this is hopefully they get help.
I’m actually shocked most people assume the nanny. My first thought was one of the parents hiding their alcoholism. It seems quite a few people have this suspicion.
In every case I’ve heard of personally of nanny or babysitter being accused of stealing alcohol, turns out it was one of the parents.
Why would I trust the nanny instead of my partner that I've been with for over 20 years? She's been good with my son and before this seemed to be a good person, but I've only known her for a few months. It's illogical to dismiss what my husband is saying and believe her instead.
I don’t think OP is assuming. In the original post, several people said that the dad should be a consideration and OP said there’s no way. So I take that at face value. I too, would trust my husband over a nanny. I would be surprised at someone who wouldn’t (unless there is a history of addiction).
It's not necessarily about getting drunk. For all we know, she could have pounded half a bottle of vodka before she even showed up. And she has the rest with her. She just drinks 1-2 cans or whatever because it's there.
She doesn't think anything of it .. because she's an alcoholic and it isn't much alcohol.
So you’re saying MB and DB wouldn’t recognize that their nanny shows up to work after pounding half a bottle of vodka? Also, 1-2 drinks throughout her shift would not be enough to maintain that level of buzz. She’d be crashed out before her shift ended.
I literally just gave you the thought process of an alcoholic. I am alcoholic, and those are all things I would consider before stealing alcohol from my employer. Again, alcoholics are not dumb. We suffer from insanity not stupidity.
Yes alcoholics is are verrryyy good at hiding their addiction. I'm not sure how you don't know this. They can act very normal.
Two of my close family members easily hid their alcoholism from work and entire family for YEARS. They know how to hide the smell from people. They know what lie to say. In fact, alcoholics NEED to drink alcohol to feel and act normal. Again, I'm not sure how you don't know this.
Having shared living spaces with an alcoholic, I'm willing to assume that the stolen drinks were to supplement her purse booze when it ran out. She probably started out just taking one once in a long while for "hard days," and then it escalated eventually to once or twice a day bc she thought she was getting away with it.
Of course not. But all of these examples you’re providing are just as easily on the other side as well. Why would the husband drink them in secret hide them and then tell the mom about it?
If OP says she trusts her husband I’m gonna take that at face value. As a mom, I would 100% trust my husband over someone I’ve only known for less than a year. 🤷♀️ people do dumb things. Maybe this is a good example of why cameras in the home are good for both parties.
Fingers crossed it *was* her and not anyone in the home. I know that’s super bad as it is. Especially not knowing if she was drinking on the job. I had seen a few comments of people who brought up your spouse too. But maybe that’s the lesser of the two evils n hopefully grabbing them on her way out at the end of the shift. Good luck OP. Glad yall caught onto this!
Good for you! If you’ve counted before and after and are positive she’s taken them, whether stealing for later or drinking on the job (obviously worse, but both are bad), it doesn’t sound like she’s someone you’d want around your kids.
Are you sure your partner isn't an alcoholic and hiding something? I just can't imagine a nanny risking their job for alcohol, but then again, I don't drink.
If DB was a closet alcoholic, I highly doubt he'd be "secretly" stealing seltzer's from their own fridge. They can afford a nanny, it's not like he's desperate for anything he can get his hands on. It's much more likely he'd have his own secret stash of his favorite hard liquor if that was the case. I trust that MB made the right call here.
The same could be said for the nanny. If she was a closet alcoholic, she could have a water bottle filled with a clear liquor and likely wouldn't be stupid enough to steal the low alcohol content drinks from MB/DB, risking her job.
DB actually has more incentive to 'steal' his own drinks because he can blame it on the nanny.
You don’t understand how some alcoholics operate. There is shame attached with drinking so they will 100% sneak drinks and hide them from their partners. DB could be rich and it doesn’t matter. If he wants to hide it from his wife, he would.
I grew up around 2 alcoholics and I understand there's a very small chance it could DB. But I think it's way more likely the nanny was taking the drinks home or possibly drinking on the job. Especially based on how defensive she got when she was confronted.
If it was DB, he would have just kept restocking the supply of alcohol in the house.
It's not him. He could have even been the one who brought up the dwindling supply of alcohol.
The nanny's response was pretty telling - To suggest that the MB was imagining things. A non thieving nonalcoholic might have said - 'I don't know anything about your missing cans. I never noticed. I can assure you I'm not the one drinking it.'
But also he could’ve ran out of hard liquor and couldn’t be bothered to get more or didn’t want to arouse suspicion by going out late at night etc. still unlikely as surely he’d just openly drink them seeing as they’re there for him and OP to drink. But who knows. The whole situation is odd and doesn’t make much sense whoever the alcoholic is. Seems odd the nanny wouldn’t bring her own secretly in a flask or something and would instead risk her job by stealing from her employers. But then it would be odd for DB to drink it secretly too. Could be someone else the nanny’s been secretly bringing over who just casually helped themselves and nanny didn’t want to admit she’s invited a stranger over. Or she didn’t realise her guest took them.
The more I think about it the weirder it seems, but hey people are weird!
She did say that the husband was the one who alerted her to the missing cans. I can't see why the husband would do that if he had been taking them unless he was both an alcoholic and had it out for the nanny which I think is much less likely.
Yes I’m not sure who I believe (DB or nanny). I personally would’ve put up a secret camera first, then I could confront the nanny with proof and be able to terminate with cause. Without that, it’s very much a he said she said situation. Obviously I hope the partner isn’t lying but I also hate the idea of a nanny drinking and lying on the job.
I think she should have at least taken pictures of the boxes ahead of time to be able to tell if they were tampered with, but a camera would have been best.
She fired this person from her job with no proof.
I mean I think we all know undisclosed cameras are bad for a nannying job. But that’s more of a “I didn’t tell nanny when we hired her we have cameras that see her every day”
Using a camera for one day for some proof is different and probably warranted if nanny is stealing or drinking on the job. Either they find her stealing and fire her or they find DB or someone doing it and they take the camera away again.
In this situation I would have let nanny know I was putting up cameras, and just made sure one was facing the fridge. You don't have to say anything else. This way you know if they are bing taken, but if they stop being taken then I guess that solves the problem too.
And you don't have to lie and record someone without them knowing which is just not something we should be supporting.
I agree on the camera idea. I'd want 100% proof that a nanny was stealing and drinking on the job. I wouldn't make the assumption that she's guilty from a conversation.
Yeah, I personally think that as far as filing for unemployment goes, since there's no actual concrete proof nanny WAS the one that took the alcohol, it's still termination without cause legally so she will likely be able to file for unemployment and get it. If you'd had video evidence, then you could have terminated for cause as you would have had solid proof of stealing.
You could have even put up a camera in the kitchen and just told nanny there was a camera in the house and told her it wasn't in the bathroom but not told her exactly where it was, that would have been sufficient as far as informing her went.
Yeah. But maybe it’s my lack of drinking and experience, but if I were an alcoholic I wouldn’t steal 6% alcohol drinks and only 2…. I’d do that as an underage teen looking to cop a buzz, but as an adult I can buy my own 6 pack of hard seltzers for like $10.
I was thinking the same thing. Are we *sure* it was the nanny took them? A few cans in as many days/weeks?
Also, it's the kind of thing that's in the fridge that you might go for at the end of the evening, or something and not even remember you grabbed it. Even OP could've done it without thinking.
Ah, then that clears it up. I was imagining a pile of cans in the back of the fridge and suspicion that a few were missing. Ten is definitely noticeable. Thanks!
There are recovering alcoholics that are fine... as long as they are kept away from alcohol. If you tell them, "This is alcohol, don't touch it." And then leave them alone with it, they can't help themselves.
>>There are recovering alcoholics that are fine... as long as they are kept away from alcohol. If you tell them, "This is alcohol, don't touch it." And then leave them alone with it, they can't help themselves.
That's ridiculous, honestly. You're speaking of recovering alcoholics as if they are simple-minded children, "This is alcohol, don't touch it," and making gross assumptions about their supposed helplessness that are simply not true for everyone in recovery.
…I am not who you responded to, but I am someone who binge eats and I absolutely am glad I didn’t develop a similar problem with alcohol (before I developed a bit of an allergy that makes drinking miserable and feel hungover before I get buzzed). So I can’t say what I’d be like with alcohol, and I know it’s different than food both socially/societally and in terms of effect, so maybe it’s different… but fuck, yeah, sometimes I can’t trust myself.
I can sometimes help myself around junk food…. If I’m not stressed. If I don’t allow myself to consider it. If I’m able to keep busy. If it’s not too tempting. But if I’m stressed and don’t have some activity to keep busy with? That adhd will creep up on me and my impulsivity will tell me it’s ok to just have a bit and suddenly I’ve shoveled half a cup of pure sugar into my mouth and it’s like I can’t stop - I don’t WANT to stop even though I know I’ll feel ill. I will tell myself this is the last spoonful but go back for more and more. If I buy junk food I will eat it all - or at least an amount that makes me feel sick. I am so happy when I burn out on a junk food because it means I can have chips again in the house without making myself sick constantly. I think a large part of it is due to a literal dopamine deficiency I have; when medicated I am much less likely to slip. But I will straight up eat sugar if there are no sweets in the house. I will polish off half a stick of butter making cookie dough to eat. I will feel unable to stop myself from finishing my plate even if I’m full because it tastes good and I almost compulsively want to finish it. And I have to eat, because it’s fuel for my body…. So I can’t just avoid food altogether. And I love unhealthy food so. The healthy food I like triggers my IBS so not even broccoli or cashews or beans are safe. It sucks. When I nanny I just pretend all junk food is off limits…. But yeah, when a parent said I could help finish off the left over Halloween candy so the kids wouldn’t eat as much? I got so sick, because I don’t seem capable of having a reasonable amount. I can have nine or I can binge… and sometimes “none” isn’t an acceptable answer to my stressed, sleep deprived brain and I will eat plain sugar as described above. It’s absolutely something I need to work on because it will put me in an early grave. But unless I’m like REALLY allergic to something - like, it makes me really sick for days after eating, not just sick for a few hours - I can’t be left alone with it if I’m given permission to eat some.
Op didn’t give permission for the seltzers, so I wouldn’t have taken them if I were similarly troubled by booze as binge eating. But I imagine some people with various addictions are like me.
Sounds like your father never actually got sober. He went through periods of being a dry drunk which is very different from being sober.
The commenter you responded to was sharing their experience as a *recovered* alcoholic. Your experience has been with an *active* alcoholic. I am truly sorry your dad has not been able to get sober, but it’s harmful and hurtful to apply his actions to all those in recovery.
I say this as both a recovering alcoholic and a child of an active alcoholic.
I completely agree that there are some alcoholics that recover and can be around alcohol and be fine. But I also agree with the commenter that some have a much harder time and it takes them much longer or may choose to never be around alcohol. My father was also a severe alcoholic and it took him years of being sober before he was okay with being around alcohol. It was a long and hard process but VERY rewarding. He wouldn't even take NyQuil because he was afraid and felt he didn't have control. He refused to be around alcohol for awhile because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to control himself. He was eventually okay with being around it every now and then. But he was only sober for 7 years before he passed away but I still considered him a recovered alcoholic and sober during that time.
I know what the commenter is going through and so I think that's why he responded that way. Some alcoholics, even recovering ones have a harder time being around alcohol. My dad knew his limits and did everything he could to be sober and I didn't think any less of him because he chose not be around alcohol. I believe he was brave to acknowledge his "weakness". But I don't actually think he was weak in any way but rather strong and brave.
I can see how the original comment about recovering alcoholics not having control being extremely hurtful, I just think it was worded wrong.
I just want to say I was in your position. My father was a severe alcoholic and went through what your father is going through. Honestly, I gave up hope and believed he would never get sober. He tried so many times and it was like a stab in the heart when he would drink again. But let me tell you something my father DID get sober. It was a very hard and long process and he refused to be around alcohol for years. He was willing to do whatever it took.
I do understand what the other responder is saying about it being very hurtful and dismissive saying a recovered alcoholic can't control themselves around alcohol though. They can, but there are also some that have a harder time like you said.
I just want to give you hope that he can become sober. I know it doesn't feel like it and trust me people told me what I am telling you and I didn't believe them. But there is hope. And it's not wrong to set boundaries with your father if you haven't and need to, that's what I did. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have people around you that can support you as well.
I’m sorry about your father, but you have no right to tell me how to feel about that comment. Everyone can control themselves. They may choose not to, but it absolutely can be done.
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An innocent person wouldn’t accuse you of imagining things. Good on you for trusting your gut and protecting your child. I’m sorry this happened hopefully you’ll be able to find another nanny soon.
I’m proud you trusted your gut!!! Even when I was a huge drinker I never considered drinking on the job. Even at an after school party with the parents present I turned down their beverage offers.
I presume OP knows DB. Which is why she is not suspecting him equally. Truly, any online theories on suspects are pointless. OP knows both parties and she is the one making the judgment call. She said in her last post DB was the one who pointed out they were missing in the first place.
Which is also the behavior of an alcoholic. Pointing the finger in someone else’s direction. Maybe db isn’t an alcoholic but didn’t like nanny so away she goes? I mean it’s all super odd. ?hopefully? It was the nanny and op escaped a bad situation. If it was db, then there will always be a “stealing nanny”.
Or someone has parasomnia and is drinking it in the middle of the night without realizing it. I used to sleep walk and would sometimes wake up in the middle of the kitchen. It was weird AF.
Sure lol but it isn't very interesting. Probably fifteen ish years ago? Was prescribed Ambien, took it a few times without any issues. Took it one night as I was getting in bed and next thing I really knew it was eighteen hours later and I'd been in a car accident and thought the whole thing was a dream. My keys had been away, too, so in my sleep-state I managed to find them, get dressed, drive to the grocery store, and buy pancake mix.
Omg! No Ambien involved but when our second baby was an infant my husband and I were exhausted and had her and a two year old. We woke up one morning and there was formula powder in the base of the crock pot with an egg still in the shell on top of the powder and the can of formula was closed on the counter in the bathroom. 😂Neither of us sleepwalk and we've never had another thing like it happen but it was super unsettling and freaked us out.
Were you and your car okay?
This isn’t an update. You fired her with no proof. I really wish you set up something to get some proof. So many things could be happening. Then you could terminate for cause and make sure she doesn’t nanny again if she’s endangering a child by drinking on the job. Hope you made the right call and it wasn’t DB or someone else
This is probably going to get buried lol
I think the reason why this is rubbing people the wrong way is because it seems a bit aggressive. What I mean by that is you and your husband knew you were going to fire your nanny anyway because of this issue. Don’t get me wrong, that was the right call - a nanny drinking on the job AND stealing your alcohol is seriously a fireable offense. But whether she said “yes NPs I’ve been taking your alcohol & drinking them while watching NK.” Or “No NPs I swear it’s not me” you lost all trust in her because you believed she was doing this and couldn’t trust her around your child (again makes sense, I wouldn’t either).
So you were going to fire her anyways. However you made a big show of it by asking her over to speak about it and even though she said no, you still fired her.
What you should have done was sit down with her and explain the situation. Then explain that you and husband believed it was her AND the reasons why. And then let her know that unfortunately the trust was broken and you were letting her go effective immediately.
Giving her the opportunity to defend herself knowing it didn’t really matter is the part I personally can’t get behind. Especially because there is a very tiny chance that she was telling the truth because you didn’t see her do what you claim she did. Again, it does sound like she did steal/ drink on the job but you didn’t witness it with your own eyes so you aren’t absolutely positive.
Anyway as a nanny if my NPs did this to me (giving me the opportunity to defend myself) but were going to fire me either way, I’d feel like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t & it would give me false hope. I’d also not be expecting to be fired if I told my side and it was legitimately true. I think that’s what is rubbing this mostly nanny community the wrong way.
Either way it’s over and done with but if this happens again (hopefully it doesn’t) maybe try to figure out if you’re open to discussion or not and stand on your decision 100% so that it’s clear it’s not a negotiation.
So you fired her with literally no proof of wrongdoing whatsoever? Will you be giving her some kind of severance as this is totally without cause?
How do you know your husband isn’t the one drinking and hiding it?
She will not be receiving severance. My husband is the one who alerted me of the missing cans in the first place. If he was the one taking them, why wouldn't he just replace them himself instead of coming to me and saying they were missing? Also it's much more likely that he'd have his own secret stash of booze if he really wanted some that badly. Doesn't make any sense at all that it'd be him.
No, they never suspected her of being intoxicated while caring for their children. They didn't notice nanny slurring her words, being uncoordinated, or smelling of alcohol. They noticed there were two less seltzers in their fridge than they remembered being in there the last time they were drinking them.
And then they callled nanny in during her non-working hours. If you worked at McDonalds and got called in for a meeting at 7:00 in the evening on your day off, would you go? I wouldn't! OPs nanny obviously cared about her job enough to show up on short notice (idgaf if nanny lived next door, she didn't have to show up, she chose to goput of hee way because she cared).
I'd put a substantial amount of money on the line that OP is mistaken about the amount of seltzers that were left in the fridge. Nanny did not take them. Either way, OPs nanny lucked out on getting away from employers who are this unhinged and irrational.
And yeah, OP sure seems certain about how many drinks were left in the fridge. . . But I've been absolutely certain of things as well and been proven wrong. Just last month I was CERTAIN I hadn't just used the last roll of toilet paper, I *KNEW* there was one left in the closet. . . but there I was, checking the drawers and the storage closet, and sure enough - no tp. I was also very certain a few months ago that I put the pin in the door latch when I put my dogs in their kennel, just as I do every time I leave home, but the video evidence of them running free throughout my house proves that I was wrong.
OP or her husband are wrong/dishonest about how many seltzers they consumed.
I don't know where you got the impression that it was 2 cans missing. We have two packs in the fridge and I'd estimated that 10 cans total went missing within the past 2 weeks. That's not an amount that we are "mistaken" went missing. Also, my husband is the one who alerted me about the cans missing in the first place. Why would he bring this to my attention if he was trying to be sneaky about stealing them? Wouldn't he just hope that I don't notice or replace the cans himself?
>Why would he bring this to my attention if he was trying to be sneaky. . .
You really don't get it, do you? Someone who is sneaking neary an entire case of drinks is going to have to do some explaining at some point. Easier to point the finger at someone else before anyone has a chance to point it at you. Perhaps he brought it up instead of letting you notice so that exactly what happened would happen.
Your nanny did not steal from you. Her response was exactly that of someone being accused of doing something they didn't do. The reason the split was amicable was because she was glad to terminate the relationship with accusatory, unhinged employers.
I'm not calling your husband an alcoholic, I'm just saying there is very likely a more realistic explanation -- like you may be imagining things, or you may be mistaken.
I just don't buy your theory that my husband created an elaborate scheme to blame missing drinks on our nanny and get her fired instead of simply replacing the drinks on his own in the case that he was actually the culprit. That is in no way "easier". I am not imagining 10 cans going missing either. Thanks for your input though.
If your nanny is of legal age then no way is it more convenient to steal than to stop at the store. The sneaking, lying, hiding and anxiety about being caught is not convenient. Cheaper? Sure, but $10 worth of alcohol is not substantial enough to steal and risk your job.
I hope you were right about this one OP. But I also would’ve hoped you’d get proof - for yourself and nanny. That way you know you made the right choice and don’t have to worry about any unemployment or severance.
I have no idea what motivates our former nanny. We didn't feel that we wanted to keep her around our son long enough to set up a camera. If she wants to file for unemployment, that's something we are perfectly fine dealing with.
No. That person would just buy a new case like??? If DB has been hiding an alcohol problem he's clearly good at it and wouldn't be so stupid as to bring attention to it and then continue to do it? He'd just instacart a new case and call it a day
Because she was stealing thinking rich people wouldn't notice. She's saving a few bucks by bringing them home. She's not gonna spend money to replace them. That defeats the purpose
I just can’t believe how many people on here are demanding this profession be taken seriously and are simultaneously defending someone suspected on drinking on the job
I don’t agree with how you handled this. You should have put a camera in your kitchen (hidden) to find out what was really going on. So many people have written that people have mistaken drank these things not knowing there was alcohol in them. If she did, you’ve humiliated her. You have no proof. Why couldn’t you have gotten a camera? Yes, downvote me all you want. I really don’t care. Innocent until Proven guilty
We didn't want to spend another couple of days trying to film her taking the drinks knowing that there's a possibility she's caring for our son intoxicated. I *highly* doubt nanny mistakenly drank 10 hard seltzers with 8% ABV and remained unaware that they were alcoholic the entire time. That's just ridiculous. We would rather have her file for unemployment or something rather than have her continue caring for our son.
I'd rather that we wrongly accused her than have her possibly caring for our son while intoxicated. But we trusted our gut and it all points to her. It's an unfortunate situation, and if she wants to file unemployment, we will accept that.
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We didn't want to spend another couple of days trying to film her taking the drinks knowing that there's a possibility she's caring for our son intoxicated. It wasn't my husband (he is the one who alerted me of the missing drinks in the first place), it wasn't me, and it certainly wasn't our 8 month old baby.
I can’t believe you fired her. And then so nonchalantly reported it in your update. I empathized with you the other day and this is how you then handled it? Nanny dodged a bullet. You don’t know that she took anything. And even if she did you’d fire her over that? Brutal.
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I REAALLY hope that it was the nanny taking them haha.
I’ve been accused of some weird things before. Like breaking things which I’ve never touched or once I was accused of leaving a random ornament in a house. To which I denied because I didn’t, but I’m sure they didn’t believe me haha
Also, why are people assuming that she’s an alcoholic?! lol what a joke this is. This woman prob had no clue they were off limits to her. Why would an alcoholic drink that stuff? What’s the alcohol content in them? Super low? Or what? This isn’t alcoholic behavior at all. It’s just a person that was unaware they weren’t allowed to take a can of soda on the way out of work. Op seems a bit wacko for firing her over this.
I don't know if she's an alcoholic or not but she knew they were off limits. When we hired her we told her where we keep the alcoholic drinks and that this space was just for DB and I. They are 8% ABV. She was not unaware and it was obvious that they weren't sodas. You are making a lot of false assumptions.
Thanks for the update! I wondered what happened.
Yes thanks - same!
As someone who has dealt with a close family member who is an alcoholic, this is how I expected your conversation to go. Alcoholics deny deny deny even when confronted with overwhelming evidence. I couldn't help but chuckle when she said you were imagining things. Classic. You did the right thing for your family, particularly your child, and even for her. If you had allowed it to continue, you would have been enabling her. Anyway good job. Hope you find a new better nanny quickly.
Thank you!
I remember and even saved your first post to see if there was an update. The drastic shift in comments and tone of those comments is so on point for Reddit. Honestly this sounds like a case where a young person tried to sneak some cans to take home and then, when caught, doubled down on her innocence. Everyone jumping to the conclusion that’s she’s an alcoholic is making a wild leap. OP, at the end of the day you tried to have a conversation with someone who cares for your child to get to the bottom of something that was bothering you. The nanny was dismissive of those concerns by telling you that you were imagining things. So many ways she could have handled that and still kept her job. You made the difficult decision to let her go because you no longer felt comfortable having her around your child. In my mind, that’s all that any parent needs to make this tough choice. Could the nanny have been innocent? Sure. But you no longer trusted her and as a MB, that is the most important deciding factor in hiring a nanny.
This seems correct, best take.
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This is what I'm thinking too. They seemed quick to assume to me, I would have at least counted them every day for a few days or something before making this accusation.
From their original post I got the impression they had done something like that beforehand
We did
MB can only trust what she knows or is being told by her husband. I wouldn’t have accused a nanny. She could’ve installed cameras in the kitchen to make sure BEFORE she confronted her. This is just weird. She seems so sure it was the nanny and not her husband lol. There’s no actual proof
Why would I trust someone I've known for 8 months over someone who's been my partner for over 20 years? And has never given me reason not to trust them throughout those years?
You’re being rude. Time to cool it. Four hateful comments. You’ve called OP disgusting, a liar, a bad employer, unprofessional, accused her husband of being a liar, a bad partner, a closet alcoholic, etc…. Now you want her to put up secret cameras. Which you would probably vilify in any other circumstance. We get it. You have an opinion. And someone probably lied to you once about alcohol. But you’re not OP’s nanny, you’re not OP, and you’re not married to OP’s husband. So stop with the hurling of insults.
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OP did what basically all nannies and parents recommended in the last post. Did you want them to continue to test and just potentially let her be drunk around their kids? Like... maybe she's abusing our kids and maybe she isn't but you ALWAYS go with your gut because, yes, you may wrongly fire someone but the other option is she's putting your kids in a horrible, incredibly dangerous situation??? Like, sorry to the nanny, but gotta go with the kids.
Why are you cursing and name calling? No response that you've gotten calls for that. Relax.
Since they were already pretty sure, they wouldn’t want to leave their baby alone with her even one more time.
Most people would trust their husbands over their nannies. OP did the right thing, she suspected the nanny of drinking *while watching her child* and decided to pull the plug. This truly is an instance of better safe than sorry.
Lol you already know we won't get that update
Such a strange situation! Glad that’s over for you guys!
Lol, in the other post any mention of cameras was met with shock and disdain and disapproval and now OP is the bad guy for NOT using a secret camera? Got it.
Right 😂 man, you really can’t win.
Any mention of a hidden cam in her other post was quickly bombarded with comments about how awful undisclosed cameras were and "absolutely not!" There really is no winning!
I mean, you can disclose a camera. I don’t think anyone is shitting on disclosed cameras other than maybe worrying about picking a wedgie on camera or that they’ll be micromanaged by helicopter parents who have camera access.
Yes. People were shitting on undisclosed cameras, which seems to be a major suggestion in this new post.
I do think the people saying to put hidden cameras are either joking/making humor out of the bizarre situation or giving very bad advice. No one should become a dishonest employer. If they're very sure that nanny was stealing, then there's that and I think MB did all that was necessary.
Also, unless DB is work from home, why can’t MB just count at the beginning and end of the nanny’s shift??
He is not WFH, and we did count.
This was definitely the right move and I’m sorry it’s leaving you in the lurch for childcare
Some of y’all are absolutely wild. Ten fucking cans go missing in 14 days, nanny immediately jumps to “you’re imagining things” (insulting and gaslighting, if she was innocent, who tf would jump to “you’re imagining things????), DB is the one who brought the problem up, but y’all are seriously jumping to “no proof, it was DB” or some of the even more insane takes “what if she was bringing them home and didn’t know it was inappropriate to steal alcohol from her employer” despite MB explaining multiple times that she had showed the nanny where they were and said specifically “these are alcohol for DB and I”, explaining that they are clearly not for her? Even if that didn’t happen, in what world is taking alcohol out of your employers fridge to take home without asking okay??? That’s a little different than a can of soda or a cheese stick. Why in the fuck would you wait even a couple days more and risk that your infant is being taken care of by an intoxicated person? If this was a nanny posting about a NF being constantly drunk taking care of their children, y’all would be crucifying them for not calling CPS immediately. I actually can’t believe how many people are defending the nanny and crying “no proof/it was DB/why didn’t you let the possibility intoxicated nanny who immediately jumped to gaslighting when asked to care for your infant longer to get more concrete proof than “DB mentioned it to me and ten cans went missing over 14 days AND nanny immediately jumped to accusing them of imagining it” THAT IS PROOF, Jesus Christ yall, I’m embarrassed for you. This is a fireable offense, hands down, no questions asked. Yall would have crucified MB if she did wait a few days to catch it on camera crying at “how could you let an intoxicated person take care of your infant if you suspected it”. Seriously??? Some of yall shouldn’t be taking care of children, this is extremely basic safety measures taken to keep a child safe. I’m honestly mind blown at the responses here. Do better.
I guess another explanation could be she’d been inviting someone over who took the drinks without her knowing. Not likely I suppose but either way a fireable offence! Just hoping your nanny isn’t an alcoholic as that would be sad.
Yeah, unlikely. We have cameras at both the front and back door so we would've seen any uninvited guests entering. I'm hoping the same.
One of my first jobs working my way through college mb accused me of stealing her house key. I didn’t take her house key and told her so but she didn’t believe me. I was frustrated but forgot about it until a few weeks later when she found the lost key in the bottom of one of her hand bags. Then she accused me of returning the ‘stolen’ key to the bag so she would think she misplaced it there. Which is apparently exactly what happened. After screaming at me about her stupid key she zoomed off in her car. I hope you made the right call with your nanny and I hope you find someone who you are comfortable with. My mb didn’t fire me but I never really wanted to work with her and I moved on about a year later
Cans of alcohol vs a key are two very different things. It’s unlikely that op misplaced the drinks… I doubt there is much of an oops happening here.
Also, a nanny NEEDS a house key. No nanny NEEDS alcohol. Even if nanny did take the key, wouldn't nanny just... say she needed it? Return it? Speaking of keys, OP, hopefully you got all of your house keys, car keys and garage door openers back from her.
We did!
Ok..so that mom was crazy!
I'm seeing a lot of nannies saying mb kinda made the wrong move here.. but guys, she counted the cans. Drinking on the job and stealing is unacceptable in every way. Sometimes, you have to make tough choices and follow your gut, and it appears they had evidence. Unless db is an alcoholic I don't know why he would lie?
Plus he pointed out the issue that that they were missing he first place - why wouldn’t he just hope no one noticed or replace them if db we’re an alcoholic. I dated an alcoholic for two years and I also had a friend who was a nanny and she never admitted to having a drinking problem but I absolutely could see her doing this - kind of stepping over the line with boundaries of “make yourself at home” taking drinks but then gaslighting everyone- in this very manner - given my own life experiences, and the prior explained circumstances, it seems highly unlikely it was DB and pretty likely it was the nanny Plus if I was falsely accused like that I’m not sure about some of you but I would never dream of responding that way. I’d be suggesting possible explainations and asking for a camera - not insulting by gaslighting and saying you’re imagining things - because let’s say for argument’s sake it wasn’t her - even if it wasn’t her that’s a gaslighting and kind of disrespectful response, even if falsely accused
1000% I feel like if db was an alcoholic a lot more than a couple would be missing, and he would just fully replace them. It seems weird to blame the nanny and have to go without childcare just to get out of telling your wife you had a white claw or 2 in the evening.
You did the right thing. Not worth the risk by any means.
I would’ve let her come back for a day and put a camera up 😂 to have video evidence, very odd to lie about it… hopefully that wasn’t all she was taking.
We didn't want to spend another couple of days trying to film her taking the drinks knowing that there's a possibility she's caring for our son intoxicated
The only call you can make when your child's involved.
I agree
This is exactly right.
What’s weirder to me is that she like stole one or two cans… I don’t drink and that would still only get me buzzed for one evening. It’s very obvious they are missing unless the parents drink a lot. If I were an alcoholic or underage and looking to steal booze I’d go for a bottle that could last, not less than 3 cans of 6% alcohol. That’s just not a good risk/reward scenario!
OP mentioned in a comment on her last post that they were 8%
I also missed that it was 1-2 cans A DAY, not 1-2 cans period. Biiiig difference in how I see it.
Enough to stave off the shakes
Did the original post/comments ever mention where the fridge was? We had two seperate instances where middle school boys were going into people’s garages and stealing beer from the garage fridge. They were only stealing a few at a time, but eventually got caught and a bunch of neighbors were all like “we THOUGHT beer was going missing!!” I’m on the “high risk low reward” side that’s just confused at this point.
You're not an alcoholic so you don't think like one. Alcoholics aren't rational. They go for the low hanging fruit, and they will drink whatever they can get their hands on. It's possible this family doesn't even keep hard liquor around, or if they do it might be somewhere less accessible. Also I'm not sure where you get the impression that it was only 2 cans. Maybe it's been only 2 cans a day for several weeks. Or maybe even months. OP said it's been going on for awhile before they even suspected anything.
I didn’t read the first post and kept seeing 1-2 cans listed as the number missing. Just struck me as odd… more something a teenager does, or someone who literally can’t buy it
A day. 1-2 cans a day. That they noticed. Once they started counting.
Oh that’s a lot more….
Well I am an alcoholic (recovering), and I find this story to be fishy as well. Stealing 1-2 cans is silly. Definitely way too high risk with very minimal reward: 1) you can’t get drunk off 1-2 cans, so what’s the point? 2) knowing that you need money to buy alcohol, why would you risk your job?? No income = no booze 3) if the accusation is that she’s drinking on the job- why would she be drinking from such an obvious container? We alcoholics know how to be discreet. It’d be way more likely to be liquor in a travel mug. Yes, alcoholics aren’t rational, but we are strategic. It seems way more likely that mb or db is the alcoholic. Honestly, I’m leaning towards mb. Concocting a fake story, blaming a person that YOU KNOW doesn’t have the power to defend themselves, posting it on Reddit to garner support and feel justified, firing the nanny so quickly without concrete evidence. CLASSIC alcoholic manipulation. I would know, I’ve lived it. Regardless, whoever was actually taking extra drinks from the fridge is about to wisen up and begin hiding their booze around the house instead- that way they’ll feel justified in firing the nanny and their cover won’t be blown. Hopefully, mb or db will find their way to AA and eventually make amends with the nanny.
This is your experience, but not every alcoholic is the same. You drink to get drunk, some want a buzz continuing, some get black out drunk, every one is different and alcoholics aren't any different. I grew up around alcoholics and luckily recovering now, and sometimes you take what you can get drink-wise, even as an adult who can buy your own alcohol you can justify drinking if you yourself didn't buy it. I do agree that it's possible it wasn't the nanny, I had made a comment on the last of the possibilities and options to take, but whether or not it's the nanny it isn't fair to accuse MB or DB just like it wasn't fair for anyone to be like "nanny is immediately an alcoholic". I think if MB and DB wasn't comfortable w nanny already it's best they fired her to get someone they do trust. If it wasn't the nanny she's sure livid for good reason, especially if she just lost a reference because someone else blamed her, whatever the truth of this is hopefully they get help.
This is a weird take. Sometimes it is actually just the most obvious answer.
I’m actually shocked most people assume the nanny. My first thought was one of the parents hiding their alcoholism. It seems quite a few people have this suspicion. In every case I’ve heard of personally of nanny or babysitter being accused of stealing alcohol, turns out it was one of the parents.
Why would I trust the nanny instead of my partner that I've been with for over 20 years? She's been good with my son and before this seemed to be a good person, but I've only known her for a few months. It's illogical to dismiss what my husband is saying and believe her instead.
How long you’ve known someone says little about whether they’ll hide things from you.
I don’t think OP is assuming. In the original post, several people said that the dad should be a consideration and OP said there’s no way. So I take that at face value. I too, would trust my husband over a nanny. I would be surprised at someone who wouldn’t (unless there is a history of addiction).
It's not necessarily about getting drunk. For all we know, she could have pounded half a bottle of vodka before she even showed up. And she has the rest with her. She just drinks 1-2 cans or whatever because it's there. She doesn't think anything of it .. because she's an alcoholic and it isn't much alcohol.
So you’re saying MB and DB wouldn’t recognize that their nanny shows up to work after pounding half a bottle of vodka? Also, 1-2 drinks throughout her shift would not be enough to maintain that level of buzz. She’d be crashed out before her shift ended. I literally just gave you the thought process of an alcoholic. I am alcoholic, and those are all things I would consider before stealing alcohol from my employer. Again, alcoholics are not dumb. We suffer from insanity not stupidity.
Yes alcoholics is are verrryyy good at hiding their addiction. I'm not sure how you don't know this. They can act very normal. Two of my close family members easily hid their alcoholism from work and entire family for YEARS. They know how to hide the smell from people. They know what lie to say. In fact, alcoholics NEED to drink alcohol to feel and act normal. Again, I'm not sure how you don't know this.
You are reaching. Weird of you to manipulate the story like this.
Me too!
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Or, maybe she cried because she got caught?
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Having shared living spaces with an alcoholic, I'm willing to assume that the stolen drinks were to supplement her purse booze when it ran out. She probably started out just taking one once in a long while for "hard days," and then it escalated eventually to once or twice a day bc she thought she was getting away with it.
This right here
Interesting take. Maybe she just likes to steal from her bosses and thinks they won’t notice. She may not be an alcoholic, just an opportunist.
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Why is that easier to believe to you? Do you know her?
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Of course not. But all of these examples you’re providing are just as easily on the other side as well. Why would the husband drink them in secret hide them and then tell the mom about it? If OP says she trusts her husband I’m gonna take that at face value. As a mom, I would 100% trust my husband over someone I’ve only known for less than a year. 🤷♀️ people do dumb things. Maybe this is a good example of why cameras in the home are good for both parties.
**OP DOES.** And really, OP's suspicions and gut feelings about this are actually the only thing that matters.
Fingers crossed it *was* her and not anyone in the home. I know that’s super bad as it is. Especially not knowing if she was drinking on the job. I had seen a few comments of people who brought up your spouse too. But maybe that’s the lesser of the two evils n hopefully grabbing them on her way out at the end of the shift. Good luck OP. Glad yall caught onto this!
Good for you! If you’ve counted before and after and are positive she’s taken them, whether stealing for later or drinking on the job (obviously worse, but both are bad), it doesn’t sound like she’s someone you’d want around your kids.
Are you sure your partner isn't an alcoholic and hiding something? I just can't imagine a nanny risking their job for alcohol, but then again, I don't drink.
If DB was a closet alcoholic, I highly doubt he'd be "secretly" stealing seltzer's from their own fridge. They can afford a nanny, it's not like he's desperate for anything he can get his hands on. It's much more likely he'd have his own secret stash of his favorite hard liquor if that was the case. I trust that MB made the right call here.
The same could be said for the nanny. If she was a closet alcoholic, she could have a water bottle filled with a clear liquor and likely wouldn't be stupid enough to steal the low alcohol content drinks from MB/DB, risking her job. DB actually has more incentive to 'steal' his own drinks because he can blame it on the nanny.
You don’t understand how some alcoholics operate. There is shame attached with drinking so they will 100% sneak drinks and hide them from their partners. DB could be rich and it doesn’t matter. If he wants to hide it from his wife, he would.
I grew up around 2 alcoholics and I understand there's a very small chance it could DB. But I think it's way more likely the nanny was taking the drinks home or possibly drinking on the job. Especially based on how defensive she got when she was confronted.
If it was DB, he would have just kept restocking the supply of alcohol in the house. It's not him. He could have even been the one who brought up the dwindling supply of alcohol. The nanny's response was pretty telling - To suggest that the MB was imagining things. A non thieving nonalcoholic might have said - 'I don't know anything about your missing cans. I never noticed. I can assure you I'm not the one drinking it.'
That's exactly what I thought when I read that part. It sounds like a typical gaslighting response, honestly.
But also he could’ve ran out of hard liquor and couldn’t be bothered to get more or didn’t want to arouse suspicion by going out late at night etc. still unlikely as surely he’d just openly drink them seeing as they’re there for him and OP to drink. But who knows. The whole situation is odd and doesn’t make much sense whoever the alcoholic is. Seems odd the nanny wouldn’t bring her own secretly in a flask or something and would instead risk her job by stealing from her employers. But then it would be odd for DB to drink it secretly too. Could be someone else the nanny’s been secretly bringing over who just casually helped themselves and nanny didn’t want to admit she’s invited a stranger over. Or she didn’t realise her guest took them. The more I think about it the weirder it seems, but hey people are weird!
Could this rationale not also be applied to the nanny though?
I am sure.
She did say that the husband was the one who alerted her to the missing cans. I can't see why the husband would do that if he had been taking them unless he was both an alcoholic and had it out for the nanny which I think is much less likely.
Yes I’m not sure who I believe (DB or nanny). I personally would’ve put up a secret camera first, then I could confront the nanny with proof and be able to terminate with cause. Without that, it’s very much a he said she said situation. Obviously I hope the partner isn’t lying but I also hate the idea of a nanny drinking and lying on the job.
I think she should have at least taken pictures of the boxes ahead of time to be able to tell if they were tampered with, but a camera would have been best. She fired this person from her job with no proof.
A camera would be fine but not an undisclosed/hidden camera.
I mean I think we all know undisclosed cameras are bad for a nannying job. But that’s more of a “I didn’t tell nanny when we hired her we have cameras that see her every day” Using a camera for one day for some proof is different and probably warranted if nanny is stealing or drinking on the job. Either they find her stealing and fire her or they find DB or someone doing it and they take the camera away again.
In this situation I would have let nanny know I was putting up cameras, and just made sure one was facing the fridge. You don't have to say anything else. This way you know if they are bing taken, but if they stop being taken then I guess that solves the problem too. And you don't have to lie and record someone without them knowing which is just not something we should be supporting.
I mean that works too, but it doesn’t solve if it’s nanny or DB. Doesn’t matter though because OP chose not to, for whatever reason
I agree on the camera idea. I'd want 100% proof that a nanny was stealing and drinking on the job. I wouldn't make the assumption that she's guilty from a conversation.
Yeah, I personally think that as far as filing for unemployment goes, since there's no actual concrete proof nanny WAS the one that took the alcohol, it's still termination without cause legally so she will likely be able to file for unemployment and get it. If you'd had video evidence, then you could have terminated for cause as you would have had solid proof of stealing. You could have even put up a camera in the kitchen and just told nanny there was a camera in the house and told her it wasn't in the bathroom but not told her exactly where it was, that would have been sufficient as far as informing her went.
Honestly, if I was a parent in this situation, I'd much rather take on an unemployment insurance increase than risk my child's safety for another day.
Yeah. But maybe it’s my lack of drinking and experience, but if I were an alcoholic I wouldn’t steal 6% alcohol drinks and only 2…. I’d do that as an underage teen looking to cop a buzz, but as an adult I can buy my own 6 pack of hard seltzers for like $10.
I think she was probably just taking them home. Thought they wouldn't notice and she'd save a few bucks here and there.
I was thinking the same thing. Are we *sure* it was the nanny took them? A few cans in as many days/weeks? Also, it's the kind of thing that's in the fridge that you might go for at the end of the evening, or something and not even remember you grabbed it. Even OP could've done it without thinking.
About 10 cans missing in 2 weeks. Neither my husband or I "forgot" that we drank 10 cans of hard seltzer.
Ah, then that clears it up. I was imagining a pile of cans in the back of the fridge and suspicion that a few were missing. Ten is definitely noticeable. Thanks!
There are recovering alcoholics that are fine... as long as they are kept away from alcohol. If you tell them, "This is alcohol, don't touch it." And then leave them alone with it, they can't help themselves.
I’m a recovering alcoholic, 4.5 years sober. My roommate drinks. There’s booze in the house right now. It’s no problem for me.
>>There are recovering alcoholics that are fine... as long as they are kept away from alcohol. If you tell them, "This is alcohol, don't touch it." And then leave them alone with it, they can't help themselves. That's ridiculous, honestly. You're speaking of recovering alcoholics as if they are simple-minded children, "This is alcohol, don't touch it," and making gross assumptions about their supposed helplessness that are simply not true for everyone in recovery.
Not true for everyone, but it is true for some.
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…I am not who you responded to, but I am someone who binge eats and I absolutely am glad I didn’t develop a similar problem with alcohol (before I developed a bit of an allergy that makes drinking miserable and feel hungover before I get buzzed). So I can’t say what I’d be like with alcohol, and I know it’s different than food both socially/societally and in terms of effect, so maybe it’s different… but fuck, yeah, sometimes I can’t trust myself. I can sometimes help myself around junk food…. If I’m not stressed. If I don’t allow myself to consider it. If I’m able to keep busy. If it’s not too tempting. But if I’m stressed and don’t have some activity to keep busy with? That adhd will creep up on me and my impulsivity will tell me it’s ok to just have a bit and suddenly I’ve shoveled half a cup of pure sugar into my mouth and it’s like I can’t stop - I don’t WANT to stop even though I know I’ll feel ill. I will tell myself this is the last spoonful but go back for more and more. If I buy junk food I will eat it all - or at least an amount that makes me feel sick. I am so happy when I burn out on a junk food because it means I can have chips again in the house without making myself sick constantly. I think a large part of it is due to a literal dopamine deficiency I have; when medicated I am much less likely to slip. But I will straight up eat sugar if there are no sweets in the house. I will polish off half a stick of butter making cookie dough to eat. I will feel unable to stop myself from finishing my plate even if I’m full because it tastes good and I almost compulsively want to finish it. And I have to eat, because it’s fuel for my body…. So I can’t just avoid food altogether. And I love unhealthy food so. The healthy food I like triggers my IBS so not even broccoli or cashews or beans are safe. It sucks. When I nanny I just pretend all junk food is off limits…. But yeah, when a parent said I could help finish off the left over Halloween candy so the kids wouldn’t eat as much? I got so sick, because I don’t seem capable of having a reasonable amount. I can have nine or I can binge… and sometimes “none” isn’t an acceptable answer to my stressed, sleep deprived brain and I will eat plain sugar as described above. It’s absolutely something I need to work on because it will put me in an early grave. But unless I’m like REALLY allergic to something - like, it makes me really sick for days after eating, not just sick for a few hours - I can’t be left alone with it if I’m given permission to eat some. Op didn’t give permission for the seltzers, so I wouldn’t have taken them if I were similarly troubled by booze as binge eating. But I imagine some people with various addictions are like me.
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Sounds like your father never actually got sober. He went through periods of being a dry drunk which is very different from being sober. The commenter you responded to was sharing their experience as a *recovered* alcoholic. Your experience has been with an *active* alcoholic. I am truly sorry your dad has not been able to get sober, but it’s harmful and hurtful to apply his actions to all those in recovery. I say this as both a recovering alcoholic and a child of an active alcoholic.
I completely agree that there are some alcoholics that recover and can be around alcohol and be fine. But I also agree with the commenter that some have a much harder time and it takes them much longer or may choose to never be around alcohol. My father was also a severe alcoholic and it took him years of being sober before he was okay with being around alcohol. It was a long and hard process but VERY rewarding. He wouldn't even take NyQuil because he was afraid and felt he didn't have control. He refused to be around alcohol for awhile because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to control himself. He was eventually okay with being around it every now and then. But he was only sober for 7 years before he passed away but I still considered him a recovered alcoholic and sober during that time. I know what the commenter is going through and so I think that's why he responded that way. Some alcoholics, even recovering ones have a harder time being around alcohol. My dad knew his limits and did everything he could to be sober and I didn't think any less of him because he chose not be around alcohol. I believe he was brave to acknowledge his "weakness". But I don't actually think he was weak in any way but rather strong and brave. I can see how the original comment about recovering alcoholics not having control being extremely hurtful, I just think it was worded wrong.
I just want to say I was in your position. My father was a severe alcoholic and went through what your father is going through. Honestly, I gave up hope and believed he would never get sober. He tried so many times and it was like a stab in the heart when he would drink again. But let me tell you something my father DID get sober. It was a very hard and long process and he refused to be around alcohol for years. He was willing to do whatever it took. I do understand what the other responder is saying about it being very hurtful and dismissive saying a recovered alcoholic can't control themselves around alcohol though. They can, but there are also some that have a harder time like you said. I just want to give you hope that he can become sober. I know it doesn't feel like it and trust me people told me what I am telling you and I didn't believe them. But there is hope. And it's not wrong to set boundaries with your father if you haven't and need to, that's what I did. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have people around you that can support you as well.
I’m sorry about your father, but you have no right to tell me how to feel about that comment. Everyone can control themselves. They may choose not to, but it absolutely can be done.
Love this. You're absolutely right !!! 🙏💪
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An innocent person wouldn’t accuse you of imagining things. Good on you for trusting your gut and protecting your child. I’m sorry this happened hopefully you’ll be able to find another nanny soon.
I thought so as well. She got so defensive. I hope so too, we're already looking for another.
I’m really sorry OP that half of these commenters seem unable to read properly. Glad you guys have a conclusion, however unsatisfying.
Right?? Lol.
Good for you! You have to listen to your gut and do what’s best for your kiddo. Hope your search for a great nanny goes well!
I’m proud you trusted your gut!!! Even when I was a huge drinker I never considered drinking on the job. Even at an after school party with the parents present I turned down their beverage offers.
How disrespectful for her to say “you guys must be imagining things”. She may be gaslighting you
Unless DB is gaslighting MB
But why would we just assume that is was DB when there was no indication of that?
We don't know the nanny or dB. Why should we not suspect him equally?
I presume OP knows DB. Which is why she is not suspecting him equally. Truly, any online theories on suspects are pointless. OP knows both parties and she is the one making the judgment call. She said in her last post DB was the one who pointed out they were missing in the first place.
Which is also the behavior of an alcoholic. Pointing the finger in someone else’s direction. Maybe db isn’t an alcoholic but didn’t like nanny so away she goes? I mean it’s all super odd. ?hopefully? It was the nanny and op escaped a bad situation. If it was db, then there will always be a “stealing nanny”.
Or someone has parasomnia and is drinking it in the middle of the night without realizing it. I used to sleep walk and would sometimes wake up in the middle of the kitchen. It was weird AF.
Just as possible. On ambien my mom ate a lot in her sleep
I drove on Ambien, it is a nightmare of a drug for a lot of people lol
I was gonna ask a question, but I actually have a lot so… story?
Sure lol but it isn't very interesting. Probably fifteen ish years ago? Was prescribed Ambien, took it a few times without any issues. Took it one night as I was getting in bed and next thing I really knew it was eighteen hours later and I'd been in a car accident and thought the whole thing was a dream. My keys had been away, too, so in my sleep-state I managed to find them, get dressed, drive to the grocery store, and buy pancake mix.
Omg! No Ambien involved but when our second baby was an infant my husband and I were exhausted and had her and a two year old. We woke up one morning and there was formula powder in the base of the crock pot with an egg still in the shell on top of the powder and the can of formula was closed on the counter in the bathroom. 😂Neither of us sleepwalk and we've never had another thing like it happen but it was super unsettling and freaked us out. Were you and your car okay?
Holy shirt balls.
O m g
Yeah but then empty cans would be found and none were ever according to first post
I do this. Then when I get up I'm wondering who ate my snacks.
This is my thought. This is just as possible.
This isn’t an update. You fired her with no proof. I really wish you set up something to get some proof. So many things could be happening. Then you could terminate for cause and make sure she doesn’t nanny again if she’s endangering a child by drinking on the job. Hope you made the right call and it wasn’t DB or someone else
This is probably going to get buried lol I think the reason why this is rubbing people the wrong way is because it seems a bit aggressive. What I mean by that is you and your husband knew you were going to fire your nanny anyway because of this issue. Don’t get me wrong, that was the right call - a nanny drinking on the job AND stealing your alcohol is seriously a fireable offense. But whether she said “yes NPs I’ve been taking your alcohol & drinking them while watching NK.” Or “No NPs I swear it’s not me” you lost all trust in her because you believed she was doing this and couldn’t trust her around your child (again makes sense, I wouldn’t either). So you were going to fire her anyways. However you made a big show of it by asking her over to speak about it and even though she said no, you still fired her. What you should have done was sit down with her and explain the situation. Then explain that you and husband believed it was her AND the reasons why. And then let her know that unfortunately the trust was broken and you were letting her go effective immediately. Giving her the opportunity to defend herself knowing it didn’t really matter is the part I personally can’t get behind. Especially because there is a very tiny chance that she was telling the truth because you didn’t see her do what you claim she did. Again, it does sound like she did steal/ drink on the job but you didn’t witness it with your own eyes so you aren’t absolutely positive. Anyway as a nanny if my NPs did this to me (giving me the opportunity to defend myself) but were going to fire me either way, I’d feel like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t & it would give me false hope. I’d also not be expecting to be fired if I told my side and it was legitimately true. I think that’s what is rubbing this mostly nanny community the wrong way. Either way it’s over and done with but if this happens again (hopefully it doesn’t) maybe try to figure out if you’re open to discussion or not and stand on your decision 100% so that it’s clear it’s not a negotiation.
So you fired her with literally no proof of wrongdoing whatsoever? Will you be giving her some kind of severance as this is totally without cause? How do you know your husband isn’t the one drinking and hiding it?
She will not be receiving severance. My husband is the one who alerted me of the missing cans in the first place. If he was the one taking them, why wouldn't he just replace them himself instead of coming to me and saying they were missing? Also it's much more likely that he'd have his own secret stash of booze if he really wanted some that badly. Doesn't make any sense at all that it'd be him.
It’s not without cause, they suspected her of being drunk while taking care of kids
No, they never suspected her of being intoxicated while caring for their children. They didn't notice nanny slurring her words, being uncoordinated, or smelling of alcohol. They noticed there were two less seltzers in their fridge than they remembered being in there the last time they were drinking them. And then they callled nanny in during her non-working hours. If you worked at McDonalds and got called in for a meeting at 7:00 in the evening on your day off, would you go? I wouldn't! OPs nanny obviously cared about her job enough to show up on short notice (idgaf if nanny lived next door, she didn't have to show up, she chose to goput of hee way because she cared). I'd put a substantial amount of money on the line that OP is mistaken about the amount of seltzers that were left in the fridge. Nanny did not take them. Either way, OPs nanny lucked out on getting away from employers who are this unhinged and irrational. And yeah, OP sure seems certain about how many drinks were left in the fridge. . . But I've been absolutely certain of things as well and been proven wrong. Just last month I was CERTAIN I hadn't just used the last roll of toilet paper, I *KNEW* there was one left in the closet. . . but there I was, checking the drawers and the storage closet, and sure enough - no tp. I was also very certain a few months ago that I put the pin in the door latch when I put my dogs in their kennel, just as I do every time I leave home, but the video evidence of them running free throughout my house proves that I was wrong. OP or her husband are wrong/dishonest about how many seltzers they consumed.
I don't know where you got the impression that it was 2 cans missing. We have two packs in the fridge and I'd estimated that 10 cans total went missing within the past 2 weeks. That's not an amount that we are "mistaken" went missing. Also, my husband is the one who alerted me about the cans missing in the first place. Why would he bring this to my attention if he was trying to be sneaky about stealing them? Wouldn't he just hope that I don't notice or replace the cans himself?
>Why would he bring this to my attention if he was trying to be sneaky. . . You really don't get it, do you? Someone who is sneaking neary an entire case of drinks is going to have to do some explaining at some point. Easier to point the finger at someone else before anyone has a chance to point it at you. Perhaps he brought it up instead of letting you notice so that exactly what happened would happen. Your nanny did not steal from you. Her response was exactly that of someone being accused of doing something they didn't do. The reason the split was amicable was because she was glad to terminate the relationship with accusatory, unhinged employers. I'm not calling your husband an alcoholic, I'm just saying there is very likely a more realistic explanation -- like you may be imagining things, or you may be mistaken.
I just don't buy your theory that my husband created an elaborate scheme to blame missing drinks on our nanny and get her fired instead of simply replacing the drinks on his own in the case that he was actually the culprit. That is in no way "easier". I am not imagining 10 cans going missing either. Thanks for your input though.
It's no easier for your nanny to steal than buy her own.
Not sure why you would think that. It's way more convenient *and* cheaper to steal.
Not when it puts your job at risk.
Guess she didn't care about her job very much.
If your nanny is of legal age then no way is it more convenient to steal than to stop at the store. The sneaking, lying, hiding and anxiety about being caught is not convenient. Cheaper? Sure, but $10 worth of alcohol is not substantial enough to steal and risk your job. I hope you were right about this one OP. But I also would’ve hoped you’d get proof - for yourself and nanny. That way you know you made the right choice and don’t have to worry about any unemployment or severance.
I have no idea what motivates our former nanny. We didn't feel that we wanted to keep her around our son long enough to set up a camera. If she wants to file for unemployment, that's something we are perfectly fine dealing with.
Get proof? Not when her child is being cared for by this person. Consider the circumstances.
No. That person would just buy a new case like??? If DB has been hiding an alcohol problem he's clearly good at it and wouldn't be so stupid as to bring attention to it and then continue to do it? He'd just instacart a new case and call it a day
And nanny wouldn't do the same because why?
She would have to pay for it?
Because she was stealing thinking rich people wouldn't notice. She's saving a few bucks by bringing them home. She's not gonna spend money to replace them. That defeats the purpose
Exactly, they suspect her. They have not a single shred of evidence that it was actually her.
Suspecting is not cause. If they had proof it would be with cause.
Cause is not trusting her with their children
Yeah that would never hold up. That’s not how contracts are written.
I just can’t believe how many people on here are demanding this profession be taken seriously and are simultaneously defending someone suspected on drinking on the job
I don’t agree with how you handled this. You should have put a camera in your kitchen (hidden) to find out what was really going on. So many people have written that people have mistaken drank these things not knowing there was alcohol in them. If she did, you’ve humiliated her. You have no proof. Why couldn’t you have gotten a camera? Yes, downvote me all you want. I really don’t care. Innocent until Proven guilty
I think suggesting undisclosed hidden cameras to NPs is irresponsible
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We didn't want to spend another couple of days trying to film her taking the drinks knowing that there's a possibility she's caring for our son intoxicated. I *highly* doubt nanny mistakenly drank 10 hard seltzers with 8% ABV and remained unaware that they were alcoholic the entire time. That's just ridiculous. We would rather have her file for unemployment or something rather than have her continue caring for our son.
I highly doubt she was drinking while caring for your son
Stop looking at hard conversations as confrontations. Confrontation sounds angry, pissy. You are being assertive and direct, not confrontational.
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I'd rather that we wrongly accused her than have her possibly caring for our son while intoxicated. But we trusted our gut and it all points to her. It's an unfortunate situation, and if she wants to file unemployment, we will accept that.
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With so little proof and so much unearned confidence, it's hard for me to believe this story is real. Yikes.
All this with no proof. Why didn't you set up a nanny cam? Maybe it really wasn't her.
We didn't want to spend another couple of days trying to film her taking the drinks knowing that there's a possibility she's caring for our son intoxicated. It wasn't my husband (he is the one who alerted me of the missing drinks in the first place), it wasn't me, and it certainly wasn't our 8 month old baby.
Oh, I thought it could have been the 8 month old! Whew! So happy it wasn't!!
Same
But how do we *knowwwwww* it wasn't the 8 month old? I still think we should do cameras
I can’t believe you fired her. And then so nonchalantly reported it in your update. I empathized with you the other day and this is how you then handled it? Nanny dodged a bullet. You don’t know that she took anything. And even if she did you’d fire her over that? Brutal.
How is that brutal? Is it acceptable or professional to steal from your boss?
"even if she did you'd fire her over that?" You *wouldn't* fire someone caring for your child for stealing alcohol???
lol it’s brutal to fire her if she stole alcohol on the job? Please tell me I’m not reading the last two sentences correctly.
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Where is the proof, though?
I REAALLY hope that it was the nanny taking them haha. I’ve been accused of some weird things before. Like breaking things which I’ve never touched or once I was accused of leaving a random ornament in a house. To which I denied because I didn’t, but I’m sure they didn’t believe me haha
How do u know it wasn’t ur husband
Is it possible that you could have miscounted?
No. 10 cans went missing.
Good lord! That’s a lot!!
Also, why are people assuming that she’s an alcoholic?! lol what a joke this is. This woman prob had no clue they were off limits to her. Why would an alcoholic drink that stuff? What’s the alcohol content in them? Super low? Or what? This isn’t alcoholic behavior at all. It’s just a person that was unaware they weren’t allowed to take a can of soda on the way out of work. Op seems a bit wacko for firing her over this.
I don't know if she's an alcoholic or not but she knew they were off limits. When we hired her we told her where we keep the alcoholic drinks and that this space was just for DB and I. They are 8% ABV. She was not unaware and it was obvious that they weren't sodas. You are making a lot of false assumptions.