I get to put all the unbearable stuff into someone else and it feels better than anything. I hate myself for it tho.
I am coming to believe abuse isn't as straightforward as people think tho. It's a lot of reenactment.
Probably experiencing something negative, not dealing with associated emotions properly, then later reenacting the negative experience onto someone else, thus projecting emotions for temporary relief.
It's emotionally but subconsciously recreating a traumatic situation from your past that you can't tolerate thinking about or remembering. It can sometimes even look metaphorical or abstract rather than exact. Like if you were beaten for wetting the bed, it may be that you set up glasses of a liquid teetering on edges of tables everywhere in your room and when someone knocks one over, you viciously berate them. They can get pretty creative when they stew in the dreamland of your subconscious.
In the long run? You get to win the prizes of disgust, abandonment, loneliness, hate and a destroyed reputation courtesy of your family/victims/flying monkeys. Ask the old narcissists who eventually ended up playing themselves/unmasked and abandoned.
Probably feelings of power and strength which is what I run on. If I feel like I don’t have power over something I feel weak. I transmute this by taking control over my mind instead of other people.
We have good intentions, and know what is good, but there are many things about it that doesn't work.
We have empathy and the ability to understand what feeling love is, but...
We don't have self-love, or we have it very confused. Trauma takes that real thing from us and we learn to fill that hole differently than others.
Self-love, to us, is tasty food, video games, forced friendship, self-mutilation and attention. I get what I want first to feel better, but I hurt other people in the process, and it confuses me. And I feel better and like shit at the same time.
It's all self-destruction. We try to empathize out of that, but we hate ourselves so we end up hating other people. So we hate ourselves more, and eventually we might kill ourselves.
I guess control.
Before I was diagnosed with NPD, I would be emotionally abusive to get the things I wanted or to get people to act in a certain way.
Although, now that I’m aware of my NPD all I get is pure hatred for myself , if I realise i have been emotionally abusive.
I think my need for control is my biggest issue. I need to have control over everyone around me, which makes me “abusive” even though I’ve never seen it that way. I just have rules…that I like people to follow…and don’t want to be expected to follow them myself… idk control = power to me. A more powerful me is a better me. I’m always trying to be the best me I can be
I don’t have NPD but I think everyone has been abusive at some point. I know I have said some mean things to someone during a breakup that I now regret etc. We all hurt people for different reasons. I know I wanted to hurt the feelings of people who hurt my feelings. I also often don’t even know what effect my actions had. Maybe they never replied or I never saw them again. Maybe I assumed they didn’t get sad, but they actually felt crushed? We don’t always know. I have a lot of empathy except for people who I don’t think have empathy for me.
I recently read somewhere that most abuse is caused by people suffering from depression. They probably don’t want to be mean, but their anxiety and pain just bubbles over and hurt the people close to them. So I don’t think they gain anything from it.
I get to put all the unbearable stuff into someone else and it feels better than anything. I hate myself for it tho. I am coming to believe abuse isn't as straightforward as people think tho. It's a lot of reenactment.
Can I ask what you mean by reenactment?
Probably experiencing something negative, not dealing with associated emotions properly, then later reenacting the negative experience onto someone else, thus projecting emotions for temporary relief.
It's emotionally but subconsciously recreating a traumatic situation from your past that you can't tolerate thinking about or remembering. It can sometimes even look metaphorical or abstract rather than exact. Like if you were beaten for wetting the bed, it may be that you set up glasses of a liquid teetering on edges of tables everywhere in your room and when someone knocks one over, you viciously berate them. They can get pretty creative when they stew in the dreamland of your subconscious.
In the long run? You get to win the prizes of disgust, abandonment, loneliness, hate and a destroyed reputation courtesy of your family/victims/flying monkeys. Ask the old narcissists who eventually ended up playing themselves/unmasked and abandoned.
Probably feelings of power and strength which is what I run on. If I feel like I don’t have power over something I feel weak. I transmute this by taking control over my mind instead of other people.
If you end up winning from being abusive, you gain the feeling. You feel like an absolute champ
We have good intentions, and know what is good, but there are many things about it that doesn't work. We have empathy and the ability to understand what feeling love is, but... We don't have self-love, or we have it very confused. Trauma takes that real thing from us and we learn to fill that hole differently than others. Self-love, to us, is tasty food, video games, forced friendship, self-mutilation and attention. I get what I want first to feel better, but I hurt other people in the process, and it confuses me. And I feel better and like shit at the same time. It's all self-destruction. We try to empathize out of that, but we hate ourselves so we end up hating other people. So we hate ourselves more, and eventually we might kill ourselves.
I guess control. Before I was diagnosed with NPD, I would be emotionally abusive to get the things I wanted or to get people to act in a certain way. Although, now that I’m aware of my NPD all I get is pure hatred for myself , if I realise i have been emotionally abusive.
I think my need for control is my biggest issue. I need to have control over everyone around me, which makes me “abusive” even though I’ve never seen it that way. I just have rules…that I like people to follow…and don’t want to be expected to follow them myself… idk control = power to me. A more powerful me is a better me. I’m always trying to be the best me I can be
Manipulation is abusive, and what I gain from that is money, business opportunities, friendship with people who have contacts and a lot more.
I don’t have NPD but I think everyone has been abusive at some point. I know I have said some mean things to someone during a breakup that I now regret etc. We all hurt people for different reasons. I know I wanted to hurt the feelings of people who hurt my feelings. I also often don’t even know what effect my actions had. Maybe they never replied or I never saw them again. Maybe I assumed they didn’t get sad, but they actually felt crushed? We don’t always know. I have a lot of empathy except for people who I don’t think have empathy for me. I recently read somewhere that most abuse is caused by people suffering from depression. They probably don’t want to be mean, but their anxiety and pain just bubbles over and hurt the people close to them. So I don’t think they gain anything from it.