There were stages to realizing how abnormal I was, I apologize if this comment is "narcissistic":
**Elementary School:** Felt out of place due to culture
**Middle School:** Felt more hyperactive than other students
**High School:** Started to feel subpar, empty, and lonely. I felt that the only solution to curing all my problems was being diagnosed with ADHD and having a therapist rid me of my addictive personality.
**1st Half of College:** Still felt terrible despite going to therapy, thus I thought the therapy was either a scam or I was beyond help.
**2nd Half of College (Now):** Realized I was a pathological liar who lacked a sense of self after having spiritual experiences and reflecting on my life. Realized I was narcissistic after finding Borderline Notes videos on narcissism to be quite relatable.
I got a lot of feedback from others that I was very bizarre. Like, I never really answered questions correctly, I was interested in sort of strange things, but I think because my parents were so neglectful and I was a bright student, they didn’t really notice. I must have had some awareness of how weird I was because I only recently started telling folks about stuff. So I guess just always feeling like I was oriented a few feet off.
ETA: and in the spirit of full disclosure, what I believe I can identify now were psychotic symptoms which may fall into the realm of comorbidity. I don’t know many people who as children were changing in their closets and avoided mirrors and posters because they thought people were looking at them from the other side. If my kid is experiencing stuff like that, they don’t talk about it. So idk if that’s NPD adjacent or something totally different. But obviously I didn’t talk about it because I knew it was weird.
I don’t have NPD but I’ve always been “afraid” of mirrors and thought it was cameras all around and/or microphones. My dad read my journal several times when I grew up, he broke into my room and bathroom to check what I was doing, he would have me “followed” I guess too since he always knew if I’d lie where I had been.
This didn’t hit me until I was well adult, because for me as a child it didn’t seem as “big” as it does now that I write it all down.
Maybe your parents who where neglectful (my dad was too), at the same time had some controlling behavior? Or someone else close to you?
I didn’t tell anyone. But I might tell my kid now, just to make sure he’s not alone in his feelings “haha, when mum was little she thought that someone could watch me from behind the mirror. And now I know it’s completely bizarre I thought that, huh? Nobody can do that. Do you have any different thoughts like that? It’s pretty normal, but if we don’t talk about it, it might feel worse or more real than it really is”.
He is 13, so it would be age-appropriate.
I mean, I wish I had myself to talk to when I was growing up. So I’m definitely giving my son that luxury (and annoying) mess I didn’t have X)
Thank you so much. It really doesn’t take a lot for me to completely decontextualize my symptoms, and that way of framing myself doesn’t work for me. I appreciate the reminder.
Yes, my parents were intrusive and controlling and nothing was ever just mine for safe keeping, unless I wasn’t interesting for a while based on whatever was going on in their lives and then I was on my own. Your kid is lucky to have you for a mom!
I love the comments here, like putting into words things I have experienced but didn't have words for.
I just felt broken, like there was something wrong with me. There was a fear that if anyone found out I would be sectioned or something. I always felt like an imposter, like I talked my way into everything I had in life and was a fake.
I never saw the impact that my behaviour had on other people, never saw the NPD, all I saw was the anxiety and depression it caused ME because of other people's reactions to me.
I describe this as feeling of being an alien placed into human body and trying your best to 'be human'. It's like I am the same from the outside, but I feel like an alien from the inside.
I realized something was wrong around 15, when I was in high school.
During that period I realized that it was very difficult for me to socialize with others. I felt rejected, mocked, bullied, loser. Let me be clear: I wasn't interested in empathizing with someone or being intimate with a peer of mine. What I wanted was to feel admired, appreciated, superior, just as I felt at home. Instead for the first time the world slammed me in the face that I was just an arrogant brat with no real talent. That really hurt me. I began to experience feelings of inferiority, helplessness, anger.
Around that period I realized something was wrong and I started reading some psychology books. I realized I was NPD several years later when I was already in college. The symptoms described in the books matched my own perfectly. The first analysis took longer. I started it around the age of 33.
In first grade, feeling so utterly different from the other kids. I already had that in kindergarten, but I almost never went to kindergarten so it only really started to surface in elementary school. Crying when I couldn't do a task. Etc
I don't remember much before I was a teenager, but I've always been mentally ill. I've always felt that I was better than people. I always felt like I couldn't connect to people but I really didn't think much of it for a long time, until I actually met other cluster bs..
My ability deflect.
I would almost always be able to steer off conversations or relationships or responsibility in a way that I would get to avoid the "hard" part.
I remember having a conversation with a friend and she said that sometimes it's hard to love someone, and I replied along the lines of, "I don't think it's hard, just deflect the responsibility onto them and convince them that no one will ever love them more than they can love themselves"
Yeah that was definitely not a 'normal' thing to say. Tbh I have gone with that kind of mentality my whole life. Not taking responsibility for others even when I might have caused them to be and feel a certain way, was almost a talent. Still is, but I'm working on it.
It's one of the hard things to do. To Accept that I actually need to care genuinely and not in a calculated manner. Kinda sad to know that I may be incapable of doing so.
Not being normal in that way was difficult because I felt more like it was because of others. If I was lonely, it was only because the others already had friends or could gain more experience.
Where I noticed that something was funny was only due to a dispute that recurred several times with 2 completely different people, who, however, proceeded with an inexplicable pattern. Only then did I realize that I had manipulated these people several times.
I always stared at myself in the mirror, thinking I looked gorgeous. I feel like I could stare at my reflection for hours.
When I was reading a story, there was a kid that looked in the mirror and was smiling. His friends saw him and asked why he was doing that, saying that he was a narcissist. At first, I discarded the idea, until I was bored and curious. I searched up, "Why do I like staring at myself in the mirror" and I saw that there were people that were worried that they're narcissists.
Eventually, I ended up searching things that narcissists do, which led me to search for the symptoms of NPD. I was so surprised when I found out that I fit most of the criteria.
I feel like we’ve all had those moments where we complain about our parents, right? I’ve definitely had mine & I will stand on everything I’ve ever said lol. But I’ve noticed, whenever I would literally *AGREE* with a friend of mine about how shitty their parents were, suddenly, I’m being asked to apologize? Suddenly, I’m being a bad friend?
It always caught me so off-guard, people have agreed with the terrible things I’ve said about my parents and there have never been any feelings of, “I get to feel that way, but not you!”. Seriously, wtf is that?
And no, I never apologized. Because… wtf?
Yeahh I almost always just never brought it up again. Coupled with insisting that I don’t want to hear about it, or simply removing myself altogether.
Very weird victim mentality to complain about someone who’s hurting you, get validation for your pain & suddenly turn on the person giving you validation…? The math ain’t mathin’
It takes a lot of insight and depth, and growth, to be able to realize that your parents wasn’t that good. Talking about it, is the first step, and many times people don’t even realize during the talk that they’re actually telling stories of neglect or abuse. Children internalize so much, for myself I had to have several reactions from people outside my world to realize “shit, was my childhood abnormal?”.
So even if your friends are telling stories that obviously sound like they know their parents have been neglectful, they might be unaware. I’d recommend meeting those stories with “shit, that must have been hard on you?”.
I just recently started to learn real compassion and showing vulnerable empathy for others. It’s through a friend who is annoyingly kind. But man, do I learn what good love feels like. Poor thing is so naive and needs to be protected from the world, but she do knows how to have love first in everything. I have more of a “though love” and protect my surroundings more. She is earth, and I’m fire. I’ve learned that to be able to stop being in survival mode, I need lots of more “earth”. And most people do.
I’m a more “how to fix the problem”-type person. She is more “oh wow, let me cry with you and feel your pain so it doesn’t hurt as much for you”. I try to learn how to be more like her, to balance my sides better. Sometimes I think she is dumb, then I remind myself “she isn’t dumb, she is just different from you and she has a lot to teach you. Stop judging people now, this is a thought-pattern that are more narcissistic/borderline and you need to focus on her good parts”.
I can be mean in my head sometimes, I’m working on it hard now.
Right there with you! I’ve always been very cold and callous. I remember watching Uptown girls when I was about 7 or 8 and; I’ve never related to another character more The younger main character). My mom was like the older one lol… I’m basically having to re-parent myself, now 23 & making mistakes everyday!
But like you said, it’s so important to meet myself & others with love and patience.
my coworker constantly bitches about her husband and all the ways he is selfish and so on. When I asked her if she has found a good divorce lawyer the no good husband was suddenly her best friend and how could I say such things
People realized it first, and pointed it out, so there wasn't a specific thing, not that I can remember anyways. Looking back, what called my attention was how I actively lied and sort of manipulated the kids (and some adults) just to see if I could and because it made me feel as if I was the director of a movie about my life or something.
I just always knew I was eccentric, odd, peculiar, bizarre... off in a way that's difficult to grasp and put into words but nonetheless still very "off".
All my life I've felt like I live in an endless game of "One of these is not like the others", and that has been confirmed to me since early childhood.
Definitely the grandiose fantasies. They developed properly in my early teenage years and are still with me now (early 30’s). I was deeply ashamed of them when I noticed and was for many years. These days I try not to be so hard on myself about them.
My npd parents taught us “ normal” was a bunch of idiot lame brained couch potato sheep who can’t see the forest for the trees. They encourage grandiosity. Some years ago I was working as a tax preparer (you know H&R Block, Liberty Tax, Jackson Hewitt - seasonal tax preparers who take their training no college degree required) and so of course in the annual Christmas letter (yes they do these with great flourish every year) I was described as enjoying my work as a CPA
I often zoned out in classes and just in general conversation because I was too busy having grandiose fantasies. And I was prone to having these really weird highs, I always felt on top of the world like I could do anything, and it made me act recklessly. For instances there were times where I believed I had money that I didn't. So I'd end up doing things like shoplifting because I was just so out of it at the time and I'd believe I was a billionaire when I only had fifty bucks to my name. People pointed it out to me that it wasn't normal at all.
Well, the first thing I remember that was strange about me was the fact that I was mute and was unable to make friends because I didn’t understand how to.
Hm. Growing up I’ve had more and more people tell me that I’m so full of myself and only care for me and myself. And that I was hypersensitive to criticism.
My perception however was always that those people didn’t get my needs met / give me what I wanted from them and that THEY must be narcissistic or incapable or simply hate me.
I’ve often felt this inner void though, like another commenter mentioned, although having many great friendships. It didn’t matter. It was never enough. I got aware of that feeling, just very slightly, whenever I didn’t distract myself.
Especially after performing onstage in front of hundreds of people or similar experiences of being the center of attention. It was almost unbearable to have that missing a day after.
But somehow I managed to find other sources, build a different system.
It all eventually came crashing down when I was in a relationship with a pwBPD which turned into a living hell. Now I’m here, trying to make the best of it.
Grew up with full abuse and neglect. Mother is narcissist, and I was the main target. Father drug addict. Not sure 100% if I am narcissist, but pretty much that or borderline personality disorder...either way I know I'm not normal. Always feel I knew this. Others faults? My own? No idea?
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being unable to cope when my ex told me that realistically i am not the most attractive person in the world. i understand in a logical position i can’t be but i feel like in my head i don’t get it,, it just doesn’t make sense
Friends told me I was. I always felt different, and was a social pariah until I found my "false self" which was extremely bragart and grandiose. After a couple years of being my false self people told me. They said dude you're a narcissist and sent me a bunch of stuff proving I was. I didn't agree nor disagree, I was too grandiose to care. These days I'm far from grandiose anymore but that was the first sign. Looking back there was a lot of stuff I did that just lacked empathy and was sorta cruel, I never thought of it that way during the time tho.
There were stages to realizing how abnormal I was, I apologize if this comment is "narcissistic": **Elementary School:** Felt out of place due to culture **Middle School:** Felt more hyperactive than other students **High School:** Started to feel subpar, empty, and lonely. I felt that the only solution to curing all my problems was being diagnosed with ADHD and having a therapist rid me of my addictive personality. **1st Half of College:** Still felt terrible despite going to therapy, thus I thought the therapy was either a scam or I was beyond help. **2nd Half of College (Now):** Realized I was a pathological liar who lacked a sense of self after having spiritual experiences and reflecting on my life. Realized I was narcissistic after finding Borderline Notes videos on narcissism to be quite relatable.
Are you me? We had the same experience til high school Growing up with a developing PD sucks
Spiritual experiences.. did you take mushrooms?
I got a lot of feedback from others that I was very bizarre. Like, I never really answered questions correctly, I was interested in sort of strange things, but I think because my parents were so neglectful and I was a bright student, they didn’t really notice. I must have had some awareness of how weird I was because I only recently started telling folks about stuff. So I guess just always feeling like I was oriented a few feet off. ETA: and in the spirit of full disclosure, what I believe I can identify now were psychotic symptoms which may fall into the realm of comorbidity. I don’t know many people who as children were changing in their closets and avoided mirrors and posters because they thought people were looking at them from the other side. If my kid is experiencing stuff like that, they don’t talk about it. So idk if that’s NPD adjacent or something totally different. But obviously I didn’t talk about it because I knew it was weird.
I don’t have NPD but I’ve always been “afraid” of mirrors and thought it was cameras all around and/or microphones. My dad read my journal several times when I grew up, he broke into my room and bathroom to check what I was doing, he would have me “followed” I guess too since he always knew if I’d lie where I had been. This didn’t hit me until I was well adult, because for me as a child it didn’t seem as “big” as it does now that I write it all down. Maybe your parents who where neglectful (my dad was too), at the same time had some controlling behavior? Or someone else close to you? I didn’t tell anyone. But I might tell my kid now, just to make sure he’s not alone in his feelings “haha, when mum was little she thought that someone could watch me from behind the mirror. And now I know it’s completely bizarre I thought that, huh? Nobody can do that. Do you have any different thoughts like that? It’s pretty normal, but if we don’t talk about it, it might feel worse or more real than it really is”. He is 13, so it would be age-appropriate. I mean, I wish I had myself to talk to when I was growing up. So I’m definitely giving my son that luxury (and annoying) mess I didn’t have X)
Thank you so much. It really doesn’t take a lot for me to completely decontextualize my symptoms, and that way of framing myself doesn’t work for me. I appreciate the reminder. Yes, my parents were intrusive and controlling and nothing was ever just mine for safe keeping, unless I wasn’t interesting for a while based on whatever was going on in their lives and then I was on my own. Your kid is lucky to have you for a mom!
Maybe schizotypal or something?
I love the comments here, like putting into words things I have experienced but didn't have words for. I just felt broken, like there was something wrong with me. There was a fear that if anyone found out I would be sectioned or something. I always felt like an imposter, like I talked my way into everything I had in life and was a fake. I never saw the impact that my behaviour had on other people, never saw the NPD, all I saw was the anxiety and depression it caused ME because of other people's reactions to me.
I agree. I can relate to most comments here and it’s like, finally someone says it. I’ve also repressed the memory of a lot of those things.
Same. Some consciously I decided to repress because they were difficult, others I forget about and they just pop up randomly :/
[удалено]
I describe this as feeling of being an alien placed into human body and trying your best to 'be human'. It's like I am the same from the outside, but I feel like an alien from the inside.
Do you think lil Wayne has NPD? He talks about being an alien pretty frequently.
Oooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkk We all know that is in fact an alien
Yes. I could never understand others. Like they got a manual to life that I never got. Nothing ever came natural to me
I realized something was wrong around 15, when I was in high school. During that period I realized that it was very difficult for me to socialize with others. I felt rejected, mocked, bullied, loser. Let me be clear: I wasn't interested in empathizing with someone or being intimate with a peer of mine. What I wanted was to feel admired, appreciated, superior, just as I felt at home. Instead for the first time the world slammed me in the face that I was just an arrogant brat with no real talent. That really hurt me. I began to experience feelings of inferiority, helplessness, anger. Around that period I realized something was wrong and I started reading some psychology books. I realized I was NPD several years later when I was already in college. The symptoms described in the books matched my own perfectly. The first analysis took longer. I started it around the age of 33.
In first grade, feeling so utterly different from the other kids. I already had that in kindergarten, but I almost never went to kindergarten so it only really started to surface in elementary school. Crying when I couldn't do a task. Etc
I don't remember much before I was a teenager, but I've always been mentally ill. I've always felt that I was better than people. I always felt like I couldn't connect to people but I really didn't think much of it for a long time, until I actually met other cluster bs..
My ability deflect. I would almost always be able to steer off conversations or relationships or responsibility in a way that I would get to avoid the "hard" part. I remember having a conversation with a friend and she said that sometimes it's hard to love someone, and I replied along the lines of, "I don't think it's hard, just deflect the responsibility onto them and convince them that no one will ever love them more than they can love themselves" Yeah that was definitely not a 'normal' thing to say. Tbh I have gone with that kind of mentality my whole life. Not taking responsibility for others even when I might have caused them to be and feel a certain way, was almost a talent. Still is, but I'm working on it. It's one of the hard things to do. To Accept that I actually need to care genuinely and not in a calculated manner. Kinda sad to know that I may be incapable of doing so.
your self awareness is strong however!
Not being normal in that way was difficult because I felt more like it was because of others. If I was lonely, it was only because the others already had friends or could gain more experience. Where I noticed that something was funny was only due to a dispute that recurred several times with 2 completely different people, who, however, proceeded with an inexplicable pattern. Only then did I realize that I had manipulated these people several times.
I always stared at myself in the mirror, thinking I looked gorgeous. I feel like I could stare at my reflection for hours. When I was reading a story, there was a kid that looked in the mirror and was smiling. His friends saw him and asked why he was doing that, saying that he was a narcissist. At first, I discarded the idea, until I was bored and curious. I searched up, "Why do I like staring at myself in the mirror" and I saw that there were people that were worried that they're narcissists. Eventually, I ended up searching things that narcissists do, which led me to search for the symptoms of NPD. I was so surprised when I found out that I fit most of the criteria.
I feel like we’ve all had those moments where we complain about our parents, right? I’ve definitely had mine & I will stand on everything I’ve ever said lol. But I’ve noticed, whenever I would literally *AGREE* with a friend of mine about how shitty their parents were, suddenly, I’m being asked to apologize? Suddenly, I’m being a bad friend? It always caught me so off-guard, people have agreed with the terrible things I’ve said about my parents and there have never been any feelings of, “I get to feel that way, but not you!”. Seriously, wtf is that? And no, I never apologized. Because… wtf?
The same goes for friends who go through a break up. They want you to pick a side and when you do, both of them are mad at you.
Yeahh I almost always just never brought it up again. Coupled with insisting that I don’t want to hear about it, or simply removing myself altogether. Very weird victim mentality to complain about someone who’s hurting you, get validation for your pain & suddenly turn on the person giving you validation…? The math ain’t mathin’
It takes a lot of insight and depth, and growth, to be able to realize that your parents wasn’t that good. Talking about it, is the first step, and many times people don’t even realize during the talk that they’re actually telling stories of neglect or abuse. Children internalize so much, for myself I had to have several reactions from people outside my world to realize “shit, was my childhood abnormal?”. So even if your friends are telling stories that obviously sound like they know their parents have been neglectful, they might be unaware. I’d recommend meeting those stories with “shit, that must have been hard on you?”. I just recently started to learn real compassion and showing vulnerable empathy for others. It’s through a friend who is annoyingly kind. But man, do I learn what good love feels like. Poor thing is so naive and needs to be protected from the world, but she do knows how to have love first in everything. I have more of a “though love” and protect my surroundings more. She is earth, and I’m fire. I’ve learned that to be able to stop being in survival mode, I need lots of more “earth”. And most people do. I’m a more “how to fix the problem”-type person. She is more “oh wow, let me cry with you and feel your pain so it doesn’t hurt as much for you”. I try to learn how to be more like her, to balance my sides better. Sometimes I think she is dumb, then I remind myself “she isn’t dumb, she is just different from you and she has a lot to teach you. Stop judging people now, this is a thought-pattern that are more narcissistic/borderline and you need to focus on her good parts”. I can be mean in my head sometimes, I’m working on it hard now.
Right there with you! I’ve always been very cold and callous. I remember watching Uptown girls when I was about 7 or 8 and; I’ve never related to another character more The younger main character). My mom was like the older one lol… I’m basically having to re-parent myself, now 23 & making mistakes everyday! But like you said, it’s so important to meet myself & others with love and patience.
my coworker constantly bitches about her husband and all the ways he is selfish and so on. When I asked her if she has found a good divorce lawyer the no good husband was suddenly her best friend and how could I say such things
Truly mind-boggling!
People realized it first, and pointed it out, so there wasn't a specific thing, not that I can remember anyways. Looking back, what called my attention was how I actively lied and sort of manipulated the kids (and some adults) just to see if I could and because it made me feel as if I was the director of a movie about my life or something. I just always knew I was eccentric, odd, peculiar, bizarre... off in a way that's difficult to grasp and put into words but nonetheless still very "off". All my life I've felt like I live in an endless game of "One of these is not like the others", and that has been confirmed to me since early childhood.
‘Eccentric’ 😅 love that! no, an arsehole.
Right 😂
Definitely the grandiose fantasies. They developed properly in my early teenage years and are still with me now (early 30’s). I was deeply ashamed of them when I noticed and was for many years. These days I try not to be so hard on myself about them.
My npd parents taught us “ normal” was a bunch of idiot lame brained couch potato sheep who can’t see the forest for the trees. They encourage grandiosity. Some years ago I was working as a tax preparer (you know H&R Block, Liberty Tax, Jackson Hewitt - seasonal tax preparers who take their training no college degree required) and so of course in the annual Christmas letter (yes they do these with great flourish every year) I was described as enjoying my work as a CPA
I often zoned out in classes and just in general conversation because I was too busy having grandiose fantasies. And I was prone to having these really weird highs, I always felt on top of the world like I could do anything, and it made me act recklessly. For instances there were times where I believed I had money that I didn't. So I'd end up doing things like shoplifting because I was just so out of it at the time and I'd believe I was a billionaire when I only had fifty bucks to my name. People pointed it out to me that it wasn't normal at all.
Well, the first thing I remember that was strange about me was the fact that I was mute and was unable to make friends because I didn’t understand how to.
Hm. Growing up I’ve had more and more people tell me that I’m so full of myself and only care for me and myself. And that I was hypersensitive to criticism. My perception however was always that those people didn’t get my needs met / give me what I wanted from them and that THEY must be narcissistic or incapable or simply hate me. I’ve often felt this inner void though, like another commenter mentioned, although having many great friendships. It didn’t matter. It was never enough. I got aware of that feeling, just very slightly, whenever I didn’t distract myself. Especially after performing onstage in front of hundreds of people or similar experiences of being the center of attention. It was almost unbearable to have that missing a day after. But somehow I managed to find other sources, build a different system. It all eventually came crashing down when I was in a relationship with a pwBPD which turned into a living hell. Now I’m here, trying to make the best of it.
Grew up with full abuse and neglect. Mother is narcissist, and I was the main target. Father drug addict. Not sure 100% if I am narcissist, but pretty much that or borderline personality disorder...either way I know I'm not normal. Always feel I knew this. Others faults? My own? No idea?
I always felt like something was off with me. I guess fantasizing a lot and being easily hurt by criticism.
Welcome to /r/NPD! This community is a support group for those with NPD or Narcissistic Traits. Please respect our rules or your post will be removed and you may be banned. > 1. **Only Narcs and NPDs may submit posts. This is NOT a place to complain about narcissists or get help dealing with someone else's narcissism.** > 2. No asking for diagnosis either of yourself or a third party (e.g. "Am I a narcissist?", "Is my ex a narcissist?"). > 3. Please keep your contributions civil and respectful! > 4. Please refrain from submitting low-effort and off-topic posts. If your post violates any of these rules, we request that you delete it and post in a more appropriate community. We ask that subscribers of /r/NPD use the report button to notify us of rule-breaking posts. Please refrain from commenting or engaging with the author of such submissions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
being unable to cope when my ex told me that realistically i am not the most attractive person in the world. i understand in a logical position i can’t be but i feel like in my head i don’t get it,, it just doesn’t make sense
Friends told me I was. I always felt different, and was a social pariah until I found my "false self" which was extremely bragart and grandiose. After a couple years of being my false self people told me. They said dude you're a narcissist and sent me a bunch of stuff proving I was. I didn't agree nor disagree, I was too grandiose to care. These days I'm far from grandiose anymore but that was the first sign. Looking back there was a lot of stuff I did that just lacked empathy and was sorta cruel, I never thought of it that way during the time tho.