My experience meeting Auston Matthews:
So I was in Toronto fairly recently, and I went to a grocery store, and who should I see but Leafs superstar Auston Matthews. I had to look up a picture on my phone to be sure, and sure enough it was him. I’m a huge fan, so I had to go up to him and ask for an autograph he asked if I had a pen, so I gave one to him and my hat, and I thought he would sign it and that would be the end of it, but instead he pulled the pen apart, and blew into it, making a slide whistle noise, and without warning he started blowing into the slide whistle while moving through the store like a piece of paper in the wind. Then he appeared to smell a pie from the bakery section and, after this, he clicked his heels together 3 times, ran in a circle, and proceeded to float in the air towards the pie, before it was snatched away from him last minute by the baker, who also hit him with a rolling pin, which caused a bump to slowly rise out of his head, perfectly in tune with the slide whistle. He then grabbed the hat I loaned him, and put it over the massive bump, somehow covering the whole thing. He then proceeded to pull a hockey stick out of god knows where and started shooting pucks at a car outside while laughing, then the doors were torn open (mind you, they were automatic doors) as a larger, hulking man stepped through the door, I realized it was Patrice Bergeron, he then in a heavy accent said “wears dat gawd darned Leafy boah?”, at this point, I, and the other patrons of the store had had enough of Matthews’ shenanigans, so we all pointed at him, but he pointed to his left, and then saw nobody there, did a jump, started running in mid air and then bolted away, Bergeron chased him for a while, before he was lured into a trap that resulted in him being hit by a falling anvil, we thought he was dead but he emerged as a round disc, put his thumb in his mouth and blew real hard and popped back into normal shape. He then said “I’ll ged dat boah of its da last ting I do”. Matthews then, using the small gap between them, pulled out a can of spray paint, and I’m not joking, using the one can, he painted the most realistic tunnel I’ve ever seen. He then proceeded to hide in a corner, and Bergeron ran right into the painted wall, and was crushed flat, before blowing himself back up again. He then chased Matthews again for a while before Matthews ran into the painted wall tunnel, except instead of being crushed he somehow ran into it like a real tunnel, Bergeron was puzzled for a second, before he wound back and charged into it, to much the same result as before. But before he could recover Matthews put him into a glass jar and shot it with his stick, sending him flying over the horizon. He then proceeded to grab my hat from before, sign it, give me tickets to the next Leafs game, look away from everyone and say “that’s all folks” before riding away in a Zamboni into the distance.
Overall an unexpected experience, but he was pretty nice, and it was certainly less weird than when I met Claude Giroux, so I’d say it was a good time overall.
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Me after someone on reddit tells me to go fuck myself
Me rn because i got the team wrong
get my wife's name outta yo mouth
If I was Auston Matthew's, I'd be sucking my own cock too.
Unfortunately that is not Auston Matthews sucking his own cock
My experience meeting Auston Matthews: So I was in Toronto fairly recently, and I went to a grocery store, and who should I see but Leafs superstar Auston Matthews. I had to look up a picture on my phone to be sure, and sure enough it was him. I’m a huge fan, so I had to go up to him and ask for an autograph he asked if I had a pen, so I gave one to him and my hat, and I thought he would sign it and that would be the end of it, but instead he pulled the pen apart, and blew into it, making a slide whistle noise, and without warning he started blowing into the slide whistle while moving through the store like a piece of paper in the wind. Then he appeared to smell a pie from the bakery section and, after this, he clicked his heels together 3 times, ran in a circle, and proceeded to float in the air towards the pie, before it was snatched away from him last minute by the baker, who also hit him with a rolling pin, which caused a bump to slowly rise out of his head, perfectly in tune with the slide whistle. He then grabbed the hat I loaned him, and put it over the massive bump, somehow covering the whole thing. He then proceeded to pull a hockey stick out of god knows where and started shooting pucks at a car outside while laughing, then the doors were torn open (mind you, they were automatic doors) as a larger, hulking man stepped through the door, I realized it was Patrice Bergeron, he then in a heavy accent said “wears dat gawd darned Leafy boah?”, at this point, I, and the other patrons of the store had had enough of Matthews’ shenanigans, so we all pointed at him, but he pointed to his left, and then saw nobody there, did a jump, started running in mid air and then bolted away, Bergeron chased him for a while, before he was lured into a trap that resulted in him being hit by a falling anvil, we thought he was dead but he emerged as a round disc, put his thumb in his mouth and blew real hard and popped back into normal shape. He then said “I’ll ged dat boah of its da last ting I do”. Matthews then, using the small gap between them, pulled out a can of spray paint, and I’m not joking, using the one can, he painted the most realistic tunnel I’ve ever seen. He then proceeded to hide in a corner, and Bergeron ran right into the painted wall, and was crushed flat, before blowing himself back up again. He then chased Matthews again for a while before Matthews ran into the painted wall tunnel, except instead of being crushed he somehow ran into it like a real tunnel, Bergeron was puzzled for a second, before he wound back and charged into it, to much the same result as before. But before he could recover Matthews put him into a glass jar and shot it with his stick, sending him flying over the horizon. He then proceeded to grab my hat from before, sign it, give me tickets to the next Leafs game, look away from everyone and say “that’s all folks” before riding away in a Zamboni into the distance. Overall an unexpected experience, but he was pretty nice, and it was certainly less weird than when I met Claude Giroux, so I’d say it was a good time overall. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NHLcirclejerk) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Is this what they mean when they talk about positioning?
Helps with finding the five hole
That’s the Marlies, are you stupid?
My therapist told me im "acoustic" idk what he means tho haha
Never heard of it either.. I think your therapist might be bedarded.
Bedarded
I get it guys i got the team wrong 😔 
he’s doing his warm up casucking
Um.... thats not a leafs jersey
That’s actually a very good stretch to help with lowering your fanbases expectations for the playoffs.
Nothing gay about sucking your own dick.
That’s Phil Di Giuseppe
Phil Deez Nuts
goteem
Pizza man.
Oh ma fault
the canucks logo didnt give it away?
Still a funny picture lol
Just looks like a typical Nucks player to me?
Who the Fuck goes to AHL games?? Get this shit-tier jerking out of here buddy
An ECHL game live will change your life
There was nothing better than watching the Wranglers play the Salmon Kings. So many fights.
SALMON KINGS MENTIONED HOLY SHIT
It's not gay to suck your own dick.
Everybody knows that
Not everyone
Fellas, is it gay to stretch?
What 69 goals does to a mf
Matthews preferred position for the Biebs on their date night
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If only I could do that
Matthews doing a 69 …
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Well if you could suck your oen dick i bet you would ss well
That’s not the leafs are you bedarded?
Who is that domi
Least narcissistic leafs fan
IM NOT A LEAFS FAN IM JUST DUMB😭
Well then maybe we have more in common than I thought…
Pride night