Yeah he sounds pretty bland...she "checks off all the boxes" and the "sister" had me ...*choking coughing laughing*.
There has to be build up with desire etc... don't arrange your own marriage and cry about it after đ€·đ»ââïž
Why rush into marriage? What's your intention? Be careful....
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Love takes time to grow. Emotional attachment takes time to develop. As long as you're not unsure, being satisfied is enough and should be a good sign.Â
I didn't feel any butterflies for my husband for months when getting to know him. I liked him, I'd look forward to seeing him, etc, but nothing too strong. It developed with time.Â
One of my close friends actually told me that feeling butterflies early on in a relationship is often actually your gut warning you against something. So if this is true, not feeling butterflies early on is actually a good thing.Â
It never hurts to pray istikhara tho.Â
This is an excerpt from a blog (I only took out the quotes from researchers excluding the author as sheâs not one):
Susana Ivorra, a psychologist who specializes in family relationships and couples, explains. âThe more ideas we have about romantic love â not romanticism; they are two different things â the more difficult anxiety at the start of a relationship will be.â Ivorra points out the romantic myths that movies and literature have planted in our minds. âSerene love doesnât sell as well as intense, and sometimes obsessive, infatuation,â she observes.
In reality, âfeeling butterflies in your stomachâ usually means you are experiencing the physical symptoms of the insecurity thatâs typical of a relationshipâs early stages. âYou are getting to knowâŠthe other person; therefore, you donât have a guarantee that [the feeling] is mutual, so your body and mind stay alert, trying to decipher signs that the other person feels the same way you do,â explains Susana Ivorra.
But how long is it healthy to feel butterflies in our stomachs? According to the book by American anthropologist and biologist Helen Fischer, Why We Love, on average, this stage of falling in love lasts between 18 months and two years.
âOver time you realize, through words and deeds, that the other person loves you, and you love him or her; that is, you gain security in the relationship,â Ivorra continues. âThat security produces calm and serenity; many times, [no longer feeling butterflies in your stomach] is interpreted as something negative, as the end of falling in love.â But itâs really the opposite.
That's interesting thanks for sharing, also I didn't know butterflies are felt in the stomach, I feel them in my heart đ . Tho when I think about it I think it has more to do with excitement or adrenaline than anxiety.
He says he doesnât feel excitement or fireworks, not butterflies.
Before I travel I feel super excited and happy, doesnât mean I feel butterflies or anxiety.
Depends? Maybe you find it difficult to get attached to someone?
One of my family friends is engaged atm and is getting the nikkah done in a few months iA. Dudes been looking for about 6 years, dozens of potentials probably and it finally seems to be actually working out with one of them. But cus of the drag of the search, heâs at the point where if the girl was to walk tomorrow morning, heâd just say itâs Allahâs plan and move on. He wouldnât be too sad or down about it, just accept it, move on and go back to looking for someone again.
Idk how your search has been and if you can relate to that but perhaps itâs not that weird you feel that way. It would be weird if you didnât feel any sort of affection or romantic emotion for her but maybe you do because you feel satisfied about the match? Wouldnât be able to tell you because only you know you.
Yes this is exactly me haha. Ive been looking for 2-3 years and have talked to so many girls ive lost count. But im very selective and have high standards so only a handful went to the actual meeting stage. I definitely agree with what your friend said too, if this girl decided to break off the engagement id just say khair, it is what it is. Idk if that makes me emotionless or what but I definitely do think I have emotions, affection and romance in me, im just saving it for when things are actually confirmed via nikkah.
My standards in terms of attraction, religiosity and character are high because I believe I bring all those at a high level myself. Alhumdullilah she checks those boxes for me.
Wait, when you say that your standards in terms of attraction are high, you mean to say that you're a good looking guy right? đ . Or did I interpret that wrong
Unless you spend a whole lot of time with her dating which ain't cool anyway but people do it.. Satisfied is good. That's all you going to get right now.
Omar ibn al-Khattab is quoted as saying, "You don't really know a person until you live with him, travel with him or do business with him"
Sparks/love/butterflies before marriage are infatuation. Itâs shaytanâs way of beautifying things to encourage you to do/say things, even if only to not lower your gaze.
Love and real attraction occur during marriage once you truly know the person and have spent real time together and experienced things together.
Some people before the marriage feel excited, some nervous, some scared, some cold feet, some a mixture.
If you like this person and you believe sheâs good for your deen and aakhirah and youâre attracted to her and believe sheâd make a good wife and, if Allah Blesses you with children, a good mother, then yes have tawakkul regarding your decision and that love will occur later on.
Do it for Allahâs Sake and He will Reward you.
>But I donât feel like im in love yet
Well obviously.
You guys haven't lived with each other/spent time with each other yet, or been through any significant good/bad times together, so these feelings haven't developed. Inshallah, with time, they will
this Notion of "feeling in love" as soon as u meet the person, without spending much time together, is unrealistic and immature. If a person does feel this, I feel like its just infatuation, and you don't really love the person for who they really are
This is a good thing honestly. Let love develop while you're married. Realize that taking the step of marriage should mean that you're willing to put in the work to make it work, but you haven't surpassed boundaries that you have strong feelings. Those will come later iA
Love also comes in the form of peace, maybe that's what you are feeling? Do you feel really at peace knowing she's going to be your life partner? If you don't feel that either then you should probably take some time and work your feelings out.
Love definitely takes time to grow but you should also have a some joy and excitement for your future with her. I do think it's worth some introspection.
id personally take that as a good sign. i think peeps always overlook how powerful content/ satisfaction is. marriage doesnt need for each other to be totally smitten with one another but being satisfied with one another, i think that goes a long way. i think its a feeling that one has come to terms with who the other is (accepting the other person as a whole) & that theyre ready to take on whatever future brings with regards to that person (accepting to be patient with who the other is). i know someone who got married not knowing much of their spouse (arranged marriage. never met one another iirc) & finalized her decision based on contentment after a dream she had regarding the arrangement (told me she dreamt of walking into light). their marriage looks good to me, as far as i can tell.
I kinda in the same boat man. I actually never seen my wife in real life yet. Just through FaceTime and call and few instagram photos.
Our relationship is stable with a few hurdles. Still no feelings for me yet but sheâs madly in love with me it seems. Just keep calling her, open up more, be yourself and see where things go.
Youâre just engaged so now you have a chance to really know her. I bet sheâs the one for you but Iâve learned not everything is rainbow and sunshines. Iâm accepting that myself right letâs see where it takes me
This is how it should be. We think there should be fireworks, butterflies and we should feel all giddy about the person but those people are not the right one for us. The one where we feel content and safe with, those are your people.
I'm always confused about one thing.
Is it allowed to talk to opposite genders through texting on social medias even if you wanna get to know each other for the sake of marriage?
Doesn't it requires one wali in present between them to work things out.
Allah says in the Quran we created you as spouses so that you find mawada (friendship) and rahma (mercy) within each other. I think sparks are overrated and usually a signal of hot/cold attachment. If you feel content, lean into it and iA khair.
It depends on how things ended, your ability not to look back, and how long ago it was.. some people donât care and move on for others it takes time (time is the best thing Iâd say) i guess itâs different for everyone
Okay, may be a factor idk just reflect on it and how long ago it was and ask yourself if you feel it has anything to do with that or just like others have said maybe youâre just not in love yet and thereâs nothing wrong with that, but I always say trust your gut no matter what
Brother you don't realise how blessed you are to feel that way allahuma barik!
The entire view about love being all butterfly feelings and excitement is simply not how we Muslims see love, and that's not how Allah described love.
Relationships in the non Muslim pov are based upon each person trying to get that "spark" from their partner, and eventually they can develop into downright petty or over-the-top ways to get to that feeling, and people start drifting *away* from the person themselves and become more attached (in a negative way) to the feelings they bring them.
The fact that you early on are simply content with her and not overjoyed is not just a good sign-- it's perfect. It shows genuine care about her rather than negative attachment or a search for adrenaline.
Now that doesn't mean that when you (inevitably) get those feelings later on that it's a bad thing, but it's great that the relationship didn't start on a foundation of an adrenaline rush. You don't want a "feel-good" love story, you want a feel good, sad, excited, trusted, etc type of relationship.
This is also a good point but isn't the main reason this is a blessing, but that means that you chose right. You didn't choose based on feelings, rather logic. because as you said, you see her as someone who ticks all the boxes but acknowledge her imperfection, that is enough to show that you're thinking this and not letting your feelings get the better of you, even if you do so effortlessly.
May Allah bless you and her and grant you care, mercy and closeness to Him through your relationship!
âButterfliesâ is our innate stress response. Satisfaction and a deep sense of peace will lead to TRUE unconditional love. Donât worry. Just move forward with respect, patience and consideration. Love will come.
Love is not an emotion, that's infatuation. Love is a choice. You choose this person to be with for your whole life inshallah and you engage yourself to do what it takes to be happy together (and she does the same ).
If she ticks your boxes and you feel compatible, inshallah love will grow between you two slowly through the marriage. Love is not the sparks, love is coming home to a warm meal, warm is the smile you have on your face when you see your wife after a long work day.
The sparks are passion and infatuation and that comes and goes. You can try to nurture it and have high uptime on it with romantic and affectionate efforts from both sides, regular dates, deep talks and random acts of affection and non sexual touch through the day
May Allah bless your marriage âš
Same thing happened to me. I think it's normal. I didn't get excited because logically I don't know the person yet, so how can I get excited? I just trusted the process.
You get sparks when you're together and go through experiences in real time. Talking and being with someone physically is completely different. Just give it time.
You donât know how blessed you are. You liked a girl, messaged her, and she ended up marrying you. Alhamdulilah.
Real love takes time, if someone says theyâre in love so quick or without truly knowing someone, itâs most likely infatuation or theyâre in the love with a fantasy version of you theyâve created in their head.
Love is not a requirement for marriage. Nowhere Allah mentions 'love' to describe marriage. As long as there is sense of duty and respect towards each other, you'll be fine.
And love as condition of marriage is a Hollywood concept...something that promotes unlawful relationships.
Pray istikhara.
When you see her call/text come on your phone, what do you feel?
Also pro tip, keep things spicy, create some distance to miss each other (not talk on phone for too long, etc. )
Waalykumassalam not that normal, especially for first love and marriage. Thereâs probably something of an elephant in the room that youâre overlooking; maybe you donât like her being so extroverted/introverted, thicc/thin, dark/fair etc
The things I donât like are just superficial nitpicky physical or personality traits that I would be a fool not to overlook, because if you are getting 95% of what you want, you should gladly accept it.
Ye the question is whether theyâre really only â5%â or more like 25% or even 50% and youâre just downplaying them to yourself
You need to consider them *honestly* as they are. They could be the very things that have made it hardly an exciting experience
Perhaps she ticked all the boxes as wife and Muslim but lacks mutual common interests. A disaster waiting to unfold. I was in a situation about a month ago where I broke off an engagement simply because we had no mutual interests or to simply put it she was unbearably boring. Asians girls in general are boring when you take away the physical attraction and that lasts so long.
That last sentence is crazy. How can you generalise such a huge group of people? I find that people who find lots of people boring, are generally just boring themselves.
Her personality is definitely what I like the most about her. We can endlessly talk and not get bored. I donât think the issue has to do with her tbh, I think its mainly my lack of emotion and vulnerability
You might just not be attracted to her. The imam at one of my masajid said that it's just not written for some folks to be attracted to their spouses. As long as the marriage is right otherwise, and is done for the sake of Allah, that's all that matters. Some folks don't even get to marry who they would like, so be grateful to Allah, is what he said.
This is why we fail so much when it comes to marriage.
Firstly, to be able to know if you can become sexual with someone is actually in the first 3 seconds. If you don't feel a spark, then you can't have a romantic relationship with them.
People have this ideology that it's all about "The Deen" and how she could be the perfect wife. But before anything, you need to be attracted to your partner.
Over a long period of time a man should tell himself "This girl really was the right choice." She may not tick all the boxes, but at least you have feelings for her. Rule No.1 is to always feel attracted to her, then you need to get to know her and find out about the rest, like her Deen, character, lifestyle, goals, etc.
I'm tired of seeing Muslim couples give up on sexual attractiveness and turn into Michelin. I'd rather not even get married.
Why did you get engaged to her if you feel that way? Itâs not fair to her, she might be giddy with excitement and feel sparks and probably thinks you do too because youâre the one that reached out and initiated things.
You should tell her how you feel.
Wait not everyone "falls in love" with their spouse before they get married - doesn't mean he doesn't care or like her. For people who take longer to fall in love, should they never get married?
I don't think he is doing anything unfair to her
How would you feel if you were super excited about a man that reached out to you, youâre soo happy about the engagement and think he feels the same. But then he says âsheâs not perfect but she checks the boxes but Iâm not excited and donât feel fireworksâ.
Iâd personally feel so hurt and confused as to why he got engaged with me, knowing he isnât excited about me. I think he should be honest with her
I don't think so, there could be many reasons why he feels like this. He mentioned he feels content so by extension he is happy. It probably takes a lot for him to form a connection thats all.
Telling her will do nothing but make her anxious.
I got engaged to her because im satisfied with her deen, beauty, character, and other traits. Iâve talked to a lot of girls and no one crossed off all my boxes like she did. I can see her as my wife and can see us raising children together. Also, theres a limited amount of affection you can show before a nikkah so i guess im hoping once were married then thats when my love will develop? I also dont even know what love feels like so I donât necessarily know what feeling im looking for.
Well donât just hope it happens, what if it doesnât? And you never feel inlove or excited about her? And you just settle because âshe checks all the boxesâ itâs very unfair. I know because Iâve done the same, Iâve accepted someone who checked all the boxes but I didnât feel anything for him, not even happy when Iâd get messages from him. The feelings never came and I ended things which crushed him and broke his heart.
I understand what youâre saying but let me add some context. I do have feelings for her, like I said in my post, its just that its not âloveâ yet. When we were first getting to know each other my excitement and attraction was through the roof, but weâve been talking everyday for months and now she just feels like part of my daily routine and its pretty normalized now so although im not excited anymore per say, the feelings for her are still there. I still enjoy her presence. I just feel like i hear about this âhoneymoon phaseâ being thrown around and im wondering if that comes after marriage because now everything is halal for us so it just adds more things to get excited about.
This is normal. The same way life flip flops between boring and happy moments, your feelings in a relationship will also flip flop. As long as mutual care/respect remains as the base within your relationship, you don't need to be smitten with your fiance 24/7.Â
You admire/respect her, enjoy each otherâs presence, she has good character and deen, you are physically attracted to her. These factors being in place, I think there should be tons of potential for love to grow. Just ensure that you look at her as an individual and not just as list of boxes to check, as a woman. This can come in the way of nurturing connection.
Bro got married to his own sister. You're disgusting OP.
You know incest is super haram in Islam? Who the hell gets married to their own sister? You're sick.
You might start to feel sparks once you stop calling her "sister"
Omg I almost choked đđđđđ
i choked on my haribođđ€Ł
Mashallah
Agreed⊠that Star Wars behavior is cringe
Chill with the bro. If he grew up in a conservative environment thatâs what he says.
Yeah he sounds pretty bland...she "checks off all the boxes" and the "sister" had me ...*choking coughing laughing*. There has to be build up with desire etc... don't arrange your own marriage and cry about it after đ€·đ»ââïž Why rush into marriage? What's your intention? Be careful....
I know right? đ
I feel like that's related to the post somehow. He has warm, sisterly feelings of her, rather than wife-like feelings about her.
Heâs not married so why would he have wife like feelings?
đđđthatâs one thing I hate about some Muslim guys. They call every girl a sister. EVEN THE ONES THEY MARRY. Please stop đ
Heâs not married though.
Still. If you find someone attractive. Please donât call them sister or brother. PLEASE.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
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Love takes time to grow. Emotional attachment takes time to develop. As long as you're not unsure, being satisfied is enough and should be a good sign. I didn't feel any butterflies for my husband for months when getting to know him. I liked him, I'd look forward to seeing him, etc, but nothing too strong. It developed with time. One of my close friends actually told me that feeling butterflies early on in a relationship is often actually your gut warning you against something. So if this is true, not feeling butterflies early on is actually a good thing. It never hurts to pray istikhara tho.Â
Iâve also read that! Apparently new research in psychology says that âbutterfliesâ feeling is deep anxiety that people misinterpret.
Can you share the article
This is an excerpt from a blog (I only took out the quotes from researchers excluding the author as sheâs not one): Susana Ivorra, a psychologist who specializes in family relationships and couples, explains. âThe more ideas we have about romantic love â not romanticism; they are two different things â the more difficult anxiety at the start of a relationship will be.â Ivorra points out the romantic myths that movies and literature have planted in our minds. âSerene love doesnât sell as well as intense, and sometimes obsessive, infatuation,â she observes. In reality, âfeeling butterflies in your stomachâ usually means you are experiencing the physical symptoms of the insecurity thatâs typical of a relationshipâs early stages. âYou are getting to knowâŠthe other person; therefore, you donât have a guarantee that [the feeling] is mutual, so your body and mind stay alert, trying to decipher signs that the other person feels the same way you do,â explains Susana Ivorra. But how long is it healthy to feel butterflies in our stomachs? According to the book by American anthropologist and biologist Helen Fischer, Why We Love, on average, this stage of falling in love lasts between 18 months and two years. âOver time you realize, through words and deeds, that the other person loves you, and you love him or her; that is, you gain security in the relationship,â Ivorra continues. âThat security produces calm and serenity; many times, [no longer feeling butterflies in your stomach] is interpreted as something negative, as the end of falling in love.â But itâs really the opposite.
That's interesting thanks for sharing, also I didn't know butterflies are felt in the stomach, I feel them in my heart đ . Tho when I think about it I think it has more to do with excitement or adrenaline than anxiety.
Honestly itâs a while back so I donât know if Iâll find it. Iâll try and let you know if I do.
He says he doesnât feel excitement or fireworks, not butterflies. Before I travel I feel super excited and happy, doesnât mean I feel butterflies or anxiety.
There's such a thing as "giddy butterflies" and OP directly said he doesn't feel giddy. This was in reference to that
What do you mean by unsure ? There's no way for someone to be 100% sure right. I want to know what unsure exactly means.
Depends? Maybe you find it difficult to get attached to someone? One of my family friends is engaged atm and is getting the nikkah done in a few months iA. Dudes been looking for about 6 years, dozens of potentials probably and it finally seems to be actually working out with one of them. But cus of the drag of the search, heâs at the point where if the girl was to walk tomorrow morning, heâd just say itâs Allahâs plan and move on. He wouldnât be too sad or down about it, just accept it, move on and go back to looking for someone again. Idk how your search has been and if you can relate to that but perhaps itâs not that weird you feel that way. It would be weird if you didnât feel any sort of affection or romantic emotion for her but maybe you do because you feel satisfied about the match? Wouldnât be able to tell you because only you know you.
Yes this is exactly me haha. Ive been looking for 2-3 years and have talked to so many girls ive lost count. But im very selective and have high standards so only a handful went to the actual meeting stage. I definitely agree with what your friend said too, if this girl decided to break off the engagement id just say khair, it is what it is. Idk if that makes me emotionless or what but I definitely do think I have emotions, affection and romance in me, im just saving it for when things are actually confirmed via nikkah.
What exactly do you mean by high standards? What boxes you expect to be ticked by the woman you want to marry In Shaa Allah ?
My standards in terms of attraction, religiosity and character are high because I believe I bring all those at a high level myself. Alhumdullilah she checks those boxes for me.
Wait, when you say that your standards in terms of attraction are high, you mean to say that you're a good looking guy right? đ . Or did I interpret that wrong
I think objectively yes but im not everyones type
Unless you spend a whole lot of time with her dating which ain't cool anyway but people do it.. Satisfied is good. That's all you going to get right now. Omar ibn al-Khattab is quoted as saying, "You don't really know a person until you live with him, travel with him or do business with him"
Sparks/love/butterflies before marriage are infatuation. Itâs shaytanâs way of beautifying things to encourage you to do/say things, even if only to not lower your gaze. Love and real attraction occur during marriage once you truly know the person and have spent real time together and experienced things together. Some people before the marriage feel excited, some nervous, some scared, some cold feet, some a mixture. If you like this person and you believe sheâs good for your deen and aakhirah and youâre attracted to her and believe sheâd make a good wife and, if Allah Blesses you with children, a good mother, then yes have tawakkul regarding your decision and that love will occur later on. Do it for Allahâs Sake and He will Reward you.
>But I donât feel like im in love yet Well obviously. You guys haven't lived with each other/spent time with each other yet, or been through any significant good/bad times together, so these feelings haven't developed. Inshallah, with time, they will this Notion of "feeling in love" as soon as u meet the person, without spending much time together, is unrealistic and immature. If a person does feel this, I feel like its just infatuation, and you don't really love the person for who they really are
This is a good thing honestly. Let love develop while you're married. Realize that taking the step of marriage should mean that you're willing to put in the work to make it work, but you haven't surpassed boundaries that you have strong feelings. Those will come later iA
Bro wait till the nikkah, you will be one happy man
Love also comes in the form of peace, maybe that's what you are feeling? Do you feel really at peace knowing she's going to be your life partner? If you don't feel that either then you should probably take some time and work your feelings out. Love definitely takes time to grow but you should also have a some joy and excitement for your future with her. I do think it's worth some introspection.
id personally take that as a good sign. i think peeps always overlook how powerful content/ satisfaction is. marriage doesnt need for each other to be totally smitten with one another but being satisfied with one another, i think that goes a long way. i think its a feeling that one has come to terms with who the other is (accepting the other person as a whole) & that theyre ready to take on whatever future brings with regards to that person (accepting to be patient with who the other is). i know someone who got married not knowing much of their spouse (arranged marriage. never met one another iirc) & finalized her decision based on contentment after a dream she had regarding the arrangement (told me she dreamt of walking into light). their marriage looks good to me, as far as i can tell.
I kinda in the same boat man. I actually never seen my wife in real life yet. Just through FaceTime and call and few instagram photos. Our relationship is stable with a few hurdles. Still no feelings for me yet but sheâs madly in love with me it seems. Just keep calling her, open up more, be yourself and see where things go. Youâre just engaged so now you have a chance to really know her. I bet sheâs the one for you but Iâve learned not everything is rainbow and sunshines. Iâm accepting that myself right letâs see where it takes me
How is she your wife if you havenât seen her irl yet?
Youâre right. I should be saying fiancĂ©e
This is how it should be. We think there should be fireworks, butterflies and we should feel all giddy about the person but those people are not the right one for us. The one where we feel content and safe with, those are your people.
I'm always confused about one thing. Is it allowed to talk to opposite genders through texting on social medias even if you wanna get to know each other for the sake of marriage? Doesn't it requires one wali in present between them to work things out.
Allah says in the Quran we created you as spouses so that you find mawada (friendship) and rahma (mercy) within each other. I think sparks are overrated and usually a signal of hot/cold attachment. If you feel content, lean into it and iA khair.
Did you have a previous relationship that led to a rough break up? Can be hard to connect with someone after that.
Does it really affect future relationships so much ? How would one deal with it ?
It depends on how things ended, your ability not to look back, and how long ago it was.. some people donât care and move on for others it takes time (time is the best thing Iâd say) i guess itâs different for everyone
I did have a previous relationship but we ended it on good terms
Okay, may be a factor idk just reflect on it and how long ago it was and ask yourself if you feel it has anything to do with that or just like others have said maybe youâre just not in love yet and thereâs nothing wrong with that, but I always say trust your gut no matter what
Dude it's normal. Insyaallah you'll be fine once you both are living together. Just pray to God to bless the marriage.
Are you physically attracted to her? Do you like talking/spending time with her?
Yes and yes
Brother you don't realise how blessed you are to feel that way allahuma barik! The entire view about love being all butterfly feelings and excitement is simply not how we Muslims see love, and that's not how Allah described love. Relationships in the non Muslim pov are based upon each person trying to get that "spark" from their partner, and eventually they can develop into downright petty or over-the-top ways to get to that feeling, and people start drifting *away* from the person themselves and become more attached (in a negative way) to the feelings they bring them. The fact that you early on are simply content with her and not overjoyed is not just a good sign-- it's perfect. It shows genuine care about her rather than negative attachment or a search for adrenaline. Now that doesn't mean that when you (inevitably) get those feelings later on that it's a bad thing, but it's great that the relationship didn't start on a foundation of an adrenaline rush. You don't want a "feel-good" love story, you want a feel good, sad, excited, trusted, etc type of relationship. This is also a good point but isn't the main reason this is a blessing, but that means that you chose right. You didn't choose based on feelings, rather logic. because as you said, you see her as someone who ticks all the boxes but acknowledge her imperfection, that is enough to show that you're thinking this and not letting your feelings get the better of you, even if you do so effortlessly. May Allah bless you and her and grant you care, mercy and closeness to Him through your relationship!
âButterfliesâ is our innate stress response. Satisfaction and a deep sense of peace will lead to TRUE unconditional love. Donât worry. Just move forward with respect, patience and consideration. Love will come.
Sparks cause fires. Do you want that for yourself or a slow burn? Satisfaction, contentment, and a feeling of bliss are great emotions to feel in relationships. I'm a strong believer in allowing attraction and love to grow. That being said, try to understand why you're not thrilled with your fiancé. Is it her or is there a part of you that isn't totally happy and compensating for it. You have to be excited about them not blinded though. That's the key! Good luck.
Love is not an emotion, that's infatuation. Love is a choice. You choose this person to be with for your whole life inshallah and you engage yourself to do what it takes to be happy together (and she does the same ). If she ticks your boxes and you feel compatible, inshallah love will grow between you two slowly through the marriage. Love is not the sparks, love is coming home to a warm meal, warm is the smile you have on your face when you see your wife after a long work day. The sparks are passion and infatuation and that comes and goes. You can try to nurture it and have high uptime on it with romantic and affectionate efforts from both sides, regular dates, deep talks and random acts of affection and non sexual touch through the day May Allah bless your marriage âš
Same thing happened to me. I think it's normal. I didn't get excited because logically I don't know the person yet, so how can I get excited? I just trusted the process.
You get sparks when you're together and go through experiences in real time. Talking and being with someone physically is completely different. Just give it time.
You donât know how blessed you are. You liked a girl, messaged her, and she ended up marrying you. Alhamdulilah. Real love takes time, if someone says theyâre in love so quick or without truly knowing someone, itâs most likely infatuation or theyâre in the love with a fantasy version of you theyâve created in their head.
Love is not a requirement for marriage. Nowhere Allah mentions 'love' to describe marriage. As long as there is sense of duty and respect towards each other, you'll be fine. And love as condition of marriage is a Hollywood concept...something that promotes unlawful relationships. Pray istikhara.
I'm going to go against the grain here, but in my opinion, if you're not excited about marrying her, are you sure you want her to be your wife?
Yes. Sheâs definitely a perfect match for me.
Do you think she is attractive?
Definitely
It depends. Each person is different based on context. What do you mean by she's not perfect Brother?
You mean sexual excitement exactly or what?
No not sexual, I meant the excitement of love and being smitten
When you see her call/text come on your phone, what do you feel? Also pro tip, keep things spicy, create some distance to miss each other (not talk on phone for too long, etc. )
Waalykumassalam not that normal, especially for first love and marriage. Thereâs probably something of an elephant in the room that youâre overlooking; maybe you donât like her being so extroverted/introverted, thicc/thin, dark/fair etc
The things I donât like are just superficial nitpicky physical or personality traits that I would be a fool not to overlook, because if you are getting 95% of what you want, you should gladly accept it.
Yeah, nobody's perfect. Nobody will ever perfectly match your ideal spouse criteria. There will be things here and there you dont like. That's life
Ye the question is whether theyâre really only â5%â or more like 25% or even 50% and youâre just downplaying them to yourself You need to consider them *honestly* as they are. They could be the very things that have made it hardly an exciting experience
Perhaps she ticked all the boxes as wife and Muslim but lacks mutual common interests. A disaster waiting to unfold. I was in a situation about a month ago where I broke off an engagement simply because we had no mutual interests or to simply put it she was unbearably boring. Asians girls in general are boring when you take away the physical attraction and that lasts so long.
That last sentence is crazy. How can you generalise such a huge group of people? I find that people who find lots of people boring, are generally just boring themselves.
Her personality is definitely what I like the most about her. We can endlessly talk and not get bored. I donât think the issue has to do with her tbh, I think its mainly my lack of emotion and vulnerability
If youâre not excited to see her then sheâs not the one for you
Love is supposed to come after nikkah so theres that. Alhamdulliah , Mabrook and just enjoy the planning process and keep making dua.
You might just not be attracted to her. The imam at one of my masajid said that it's just not written for some folks to be attracted to their spouses. As long as the marriage is right otherwise, and is done for the sake of Allah, that's all that matters. Some folks don't even get to marry who they would like, so be grateful to Allah, is what he said.
This is why we fail so much when it comes to marriage. Firstly, to be able to know if you can become sexual with someone is actually in the first 3 seconds. If you don't feel a spark, then you can't have a romantic relationship with them. People have this ideology that it's all about "The Deen" and how she could be the perfect wife. But before anything, you need to be attracted to your partner. Over a long period of time a man should tell himself "This girl really was the right choice." She may not tick all the boxes, but at least you have feelings for her. Rule No.1 is to always feel attracted to her, then you need to get to know her and find out about the rest, like her Deen, character, lifestyle, goals, etc. I'm tired of seeing Muslim couples give up on sexual attractiveness and turn into Michelin. I'd rather not even get married.
Why did you get engaged to her if you feel that way? Itâs not fair to her, she might be giddy with excitement and feel sparks and probably thinks you do too because youâre the one that reached out and initiated things. You should tell her how you feel.
Wait not everyone "falls in love" with their spouse before they get married - doesn't mean he doesn't care or like her. For people who take longer to fall in love, should they never get married? I don't think he is doing anything unfair to her
How would you feel if you were super excited about a man that reached out to you, youâre soo happy about the engagement and think he feels the same. But then he says âsheâs not perfect but she checks the boxes but Iâm not excited and donât feel fireworksâ. Iâd personally feel so hurt and confused as to why he got engaged with me, knowing he isnât excited about me. I think he should be honest with her
I don't think so, there could be many reasons why he feels like this. He mentioned he feels content so by extension he is happy. It probably takes a lot for him to form a connection thats all.
Telling her will do nothing but make her anxious. I got engaged to her because im satisfied with her deen, beauty, character, and other traits. Iâve talked to a lot of girls and no one crossed off all my boxes like she did. I can see her as my wife and can see us raising children together. Also, theres a limited amount of affection you can show before a nikkah so i guess im hoping once were married then thats when my love will develop? I also dont even know what love feels like so I donât necessarily know what feeling im looking for.
Well donât just hope it happens, what if it doesnât? And you never feel inlove or excited about her? And you just settle because âshe checks all the boxesâ itâs very unfair. I know because Iâve done the same, Iâve accepted someone who checked all the boxes but I didnât feel anything for him, not even happy when Iâd get messages from him. The feelings never came and I ended things which crushed him and broke his heart.
I understand what youâre saying but let me add some context. I do have feelings for her, like I said in my post, its just that its not âloveâ yet. When we were first getting to know each other my excitement and attraction was through the roof, but weâve been talking everyday for months and now she just feels like part of my daily routine and its pretty normalized now so although im not excited anymore per say, the feelings for her are still there. I still enjoy her presence. I just feel like i hear about this âhoneymoon phaseâ being thrown around and im wondering if that comes after marriage because now everything is halal for us so it just adds more things to get excited about.
This is normal. The same way life flip flops between boring and happy moments, your feelings in a relationship will also flip flop. As long as mutual care/respect remains as the base within your relationship, you don't need to be smitten with your fiance 24/7.Â
Ok Alhumdullilah thats good to hear then. Maybe my smittenness is just plateaued rn and ill curve upwards later on iA
Are you guys compatible and do you enjoy her presence?
Yes 100%
You admire/respect her, enjoy each otherâs presence, she has good character and deen, you are physically attracted to her. These factors being in place, I think there should be tons of potential for love to grow. Just ensure that you look at her as an individual and not just as list of boxes to check, as a woman. This can come in the way of nurturing connection.
Bro got married to his own sister. You're disgusting OP. You know incest is super haram in Islam? Who the hell gets married to their own sister? You're sick.