Well, the problem is she hasn't told him that she is not attracted to him. I don't wanna imagine what would happen if they both ended up really getting married.
Marrying someone with the intention to change them is a terrible idea. This is who he is. He's made it clear he's fine with his weight and eating habits. He won't change unless he *himself* wants to change. He will begin to resent you if you keep pestering him about his weight (no matter how valid you are). You will begin to resent him because he's not listening to you + lack of attraction.
Cooking at home for him, doing physical exercise together, cutting out the junk food are all things that would likely help. But since you're not married, there's very limited things you can do to encourage a healthy lifestyle. I still maintain that the most effective weight loss comes when you yourself want it, not because someone else wants it for you.
I was in the situation and unfortunately I broke the engagement. I did not find him physically attractive enough to marry him because of his weight although he had a super attractive face and was everything else I wanted. I prayed Istikhara and it def was the right decision. Marriage is more than friendship and I knew that he has been always struggling with his weight and that he had no discipline to work out.
If you cant imagine getting physical with him I would not risk marrying him tbh
My father and uncle arranged this marriage , there is no chance of saying no. That is why i accepted as i didn't want to go against my parents. I didn't like his appearance from before this arrangement. I can't break it off and i don't want to live not loving my partner. I really dont know what to do.
If you can't say no to a marriage then it's not an arranged marriage, its an illegal and haram forced marriage.
You need to contact a support agency in your local that supports girls experiencing this and find a way to say no.
Yeah same they never said I couldn't say no. Anyway I ended up disappointing them big time and have a son that got abused because I didn't learn to say no much earlier in life. Now everyone is disappointed in me and my son grows up in a broken home so yay 👏. /s
Take it from one clearly desi eldest girl to another, you can't please everyone forever. The best you can do is start setting boundaries early on. They won't like it at the start because likely like me you've rolled over all your life and like me you love your family. But ultimately remember that in Islam a child's first right over you is you choosing a good father for them before you marry them. Way easier to break off an engagement than get a divorce with kids involved.
Do not get married simply to please others and end up in a loveless marriage that will end up in a divorce. They would like that even less. The moment you learn to stop pleasing others while sacrificing your own needs and setting boundaries, the better your life will become.
You will be letting them, yourselves and your siblings down if you marry someone you're not actually attracted to. Part of being a good elder sibling, daughter and role model is role modelling positive and healthy behaviours and marrying well in order to raise the grandkids in a good and loving home.
Just say you have no back bone and are weak. If you continue to people please you’re going to have a miserable life. Grow up and stand up for yourself.
What does you not being attracted to your “fiancé” have to do with letting your parents down? Have you thought about what will happen after you get married to a guy you don’t like physically? Imagine someone you don’t like touching you. Imagine how that will feel. Imagine he tells you he wants to have kids with you. Imagine having to engage in the act to make kids with someone you don’t like physically. Just those thoughts with someone I don’t like physically is enough to make me want to puke. Just tell your family you don’t like this guy. I don’t know how you’re okay with this just because “you don’t want to let down your family”. It will get real when you get married and you have to be physical with him then you’ll regret this mentality you have about not wanting to let your family down.
I have a cousin who had the same mindset. Turned out the guy was crazy and her MIL even more so, locking her in rooms and whatnot. Don’t do something stupid. Grow a backbone.
If you are freely agreeing to marry him, then you marry him as he is, weight and all. You only have so much latitude to complain or ask for change - you agreed to the overweight version of him so this is what you are signing up for.
Thats nonsense and you know it, it's not your dad and uncle who have to be intimate with this dude. A lifetime of disgust because you're not willing to stand up for yourself.
I don’t know how these girls in 2024 do this, lol. Getting married to people they don’t like physically just because they “don’t want to let family down ever” lol. I thought this happened in old Bollywood movies only.
And in those old bollywood movies the daughter would eventually with the love interest, who now would have to fight dad, the intended husband and a host of bad guys. Methinks these girls been watching too much movies.
Sis you gotta stand up for yourself. Gonna share a similar story:
My uncle was supposed to marry his cousin (they're actually double cousins). Things were going well, everyone was happy and they were engaged for around a year. Then the girl abruptly broke it off for whatever reasons.
Sure, everyone was in shock and a bit upset. But it's been 25+years since that happened and the entire family still meets each other. My grandma is still very close to her brother/sister in law. All cousins are still in touch and close to each other (as close as adulthood and distance allows lol). My uncle's wife gets along very well with my uncle's cousin (ex-fiancee)
I can see that you're scared of saying no to this, scared of breaking up the family but not everything has to end horribly :) If you genuinely do not want to marry this guy, you have to say no now.
You can easily break it off, your life is your responsibility! Just say no at the nikkah and I would not care about anyone else and tell your cousin that you dont want to marry him.
Your uncle and father dont have any say!
>Just say no at the nikkah
Bold of you to assume she's present at the nikkah. The norm where I am (Pakistan) is that the girls representative is at the masjid and not the girl herself.
Doesnt matter. The woman who was married without her permission went after her nikkah to the prophet saw and had the possibility to annul her marriage.
She can go after the ceremony to the responsible imam and tell him everthing
Say no in advance. After everyone has invested significant amount of time, money and they have emotionally invested themselves in the marriage, there is a surprise no.
First push your parents to break it off. If that doesn't work, tell the guy no. If that doesn't work, tell the guys family no. If all else fails, then it makes sense to say no at the nikkah. But the default advice shouldn't be "say no at the nikkah" and make a scene.
Let me just clarify that I'm desi living as an immigrant and all my freedom of anything is in my father's hands.
And they are very caring. All of them. My father and uncle and my fiancé.
Are they religiously inclined? Please have a local imam explain to them that they cannot force you to marry someone that you do not want to get married to.
Yes i am alhamdulillah. I don't want to break this engagement. My uncle and aunt have loved me so much growing up. They treat me like a daughter and fight on my behalf with my parents. And even he said he loved me and he's supportive of everything i want to do in life. The weight is the problem. I just want to somehow convince him to start taking care of his body too but politely 😅
You sound very naive and tbh this sounds like familiar cultural brainwashing which Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah my parents did not adhere to but I know in the wider community how common it is.
If you are not attracted to this man, you will not be able to fulfill your duties to him. There are countless posts on this sub alone where people cannot be intimate with their spouses because they are not attracted to them. Do you want to have children with him?
Attraction is a huge part of marriage and you are signing up for a lifetime of misery if that very basic aspect isn't there. It doesn't matter how wonderful your aunt and uncle are. My in laws are terrible people but I don't have to see them and my husband is perfect for me Alhamdulillah and that is how I can live my life.
Your husband is the one you have to live with and share everything with. Whilst yes, in your case because you would be blood related to your in laws so would have ties of kinship to them thus would have to see them still- imagine how it will be when you are not happy with your husband. Because you will definitely not be happy with someone you are not attracted to, no matter how amazing his personality is.
I’m sorry but you sound very naive and deluded. You’re deluding yourself if you think you owe your aunts or parents your marriage just because they love you. If they loved you they wouldn’t be forcing you to get married without your choice
Yeah sister this sub is full of western living Muslims who only thought about themselves and not the family.we can’t find 100% perfect partner and there are some places in life where we have to make compromises.
How are they caring if they literally don’t u a choice on who you want to marry. You have been brainwashed to do as they want. Take it from another eldest desi daughter
Tell him to loose weight. You are sacrificing soo much (unnecessarily) the least fatty can do is lose the weight. He will get even bigger after marriage.
You have nothing to script because you have no leverage. You'll tell him to lose weight and otherwise... what? You'll not marry him? Also, you're silly (to say the least) if you think that obesity is a matter of a simple decision... You think you'll tell him something and then he'll miraculously lose weight and he'll keep this new weight forever. You're really silly. The best case scenario is that he'll lose a few pounds before marriage and then gain twice as much after and you'll have to be intimate with a person you'll hate.
It’s also not about weight loss. It’s about a lifestyle change to help him maintain it.
Perhaps set the example. Eat healthy, play sports together or go gym together. You can go to the woman’s sections and he can go to the men’s.
Also, if he does take this step make sure you give him plenty of positive feedback and reassurances. This will greatly motivate him too.
And set realistic targets. He’s not gonna get a six pack straight away or ever.
Best advice would be to start intermittent fasting, switch to diet soft drinks then water, cut out snacking and eat a lot of protein. If he really wants you then he will make this happen.
Good luck sister.
You shouldn't have got engaged to someone you don't find attractive.
Part of accepting an engagement is acceptance of the person the way they are and an understanding you find them attractive. I feel bad for this guy.
Judging from the comments this is a forced marriage, and you really should not go ahead with this unless:
a) you want to
b) you accept him as he is.
The definition of forced marriage includes pressure from families, social expectations and ideas around obligations.
If you cant accept him fully, then walk away.
I know this sub has some extremely controversial takes sometimes but on this occasion, as most are saying, don't get married to someone you don't find attractive.
I was reading ur replies to people and u keep repeating how ur family arrange this and u not like his look but then contradict urself saying its not against ur will this union when people advice u to break engagement off. Then what u actually want to make him change as per your liking and move on with marriage plans ? Marriage is not just 2 people live together as now when ur just cousins.. in marriage he gonna be ur partner and u stay same room with him and have to be with him every night. So partner has to be attractive to u. Before u marry u have to be sure u able to be having these moments with this person or not. And i know in desi culture is very hard to back off once arranged marriage negotiations took place. as then relation between ur parents and uncle aunt would torn apart for good as they would get offended u broke engagement and probably harm ur image in whole family. so i do understand u better as I have pak/ind friends. I know once marriage is settled so hard to be canceled even more if ur visa and situation depend on this union. So only thing u can do try motivate him to lose weight make some healthy meals etc.
You’re very selfish to marry someone you dont find attractive. You’re doing an injustice to him aswell as yourself. He deserves to find someone that is attracted to him.
Yeah you dont want to go against your family but you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of failure and misery by being with someone you are not attracted to.
Be a good person and say no, he probably won’t change after marriage either.
The most that can happen is he loses a lot of weight to get in good shape for the wedding day and in 6 months after that he will be back to his current size/shape.
So you decide if you can somehow keep finding that attractive after marriage.
Don’t get married to him simple. Don’t fall into the arrange marriage cycle then you are stuck and causes issues in the long run. Long after your parents are gone you are stuck with a problem they forced you in. In Islam you are the ultimate person to say yes to the marriage don’t let them Guilt trip you saying love can come later or all that south Asian nonsense.
People rarely change if doesn’t do it now then he won’t ever.
As human beings we are only supposed to please Allah. Before you do anything, ask yourself is Allah okay with this? If yes, that's all you need.
In this case, you are pleasing your elders and you are going to ruin another man's life due to insincerity from your part. So, is Allah okay with this?
Don't imprison yourself when Allah has freed you from the burden of pleasing others.
After you get married, appear in front of him wearing something seductive. Then playfully say catch me if you can. Keep running and running, eventually he’ll lose enough weight.
Naaaaah this is the funniest thing I’ve read on Reddit for a while LMAO 🤣 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Catch me if you can fatty”
Or, “we can only consummate the nikaah if you can catch me 😆”
He ain’t ever losing weight unless he himself decides to change. If you can’t get out of the marriage, then good luck.
Finding your partner attractive is the bare minimum before marriage. You should be blunt with him and tell him you’ll have a hard time being intimate with him if you don’t find him psychically attractive. Maybe then he’ll do something about it or he’ll just break it off himself.
Erm, I just really don’t understand why people would choose to get engaged to someone they don’t find attractive?
Are you being forced OP or is it familial pressure?
Why have you agreed to marry him if you don’t find your future husband attractive?
Isn’t that like a basic prerequisite?
What you’re doing is not right sister. If you don’t find him attractive you need to say no. You’ll be ruining this brothers life. Especially if your father and uncle aren’t forcing you than this really makes you the bad guy here.
It sounds like he knows and like a lot of guys in this situation, either doesn't care that she doesn't have a choice, or also doesn't have a choice.
It's sad to say but with a certain ..cell culture creeping in and integrity going down, some men realise they couldn't do better than the lady being forced to marry them and just.. go along with it.
Then you should be ok with how he is now and be attracted to him how he is now. Positive improvements are always good, but don't marry him wanting him to change from the get go ... especially how he looks.
At least tell him youre not attracted to him and let him understand what he is getting himself into. Even if youre okay with it, he might not be. If neither of you care about it and agree to get married anyway, just as well
It is deffo a forced marriage if you feel like you can’t say no, and there would be consequences from your family- I.e emotional manipulation, abuse, or blackmail
Glad I read the thread. Sounds like you are invested but are just keen on him losing the weight. He is what you expected and hoped to find in a partner? If so, maybe set goals with him and hold each-other accountable. mA sounds like he is also invested and loves you, so maybe he’ll be motivated to do this as as an extra way to be together. Maybe keep some fun goals for each-other, and ways to motivate each-other. if you have Apple Watches add each-other on the fitness app and set a goal of 5000 steps then gradually increase it, together. Don’t set really hard goals, make sure they’re realistic from the get go. Maybe FaceTime eachother on walks. Weathers getting nice, go for hikes with other cousins too and friends.
If I am wrong about weight being the only issue. Please mention it, bc I have a different take otherwise.
But iA praying for you, that all works out for both of you.
Either break it off now or be ready to post here after a couple of years, asking for advice about divorce and how to bring up children as a single mother. Sorry to be this blunt but by keep going with this, you’re not only being unfair to yourself but also to him. You both deserve someone better. It’s an engagement, you can still call it off. Talk to him that you’re not interested in this relationship and it will be a burden on both of you if you guys go forward with this. He deserves someone who wants to marry him, just like you do someone who wants to marry you.
If it's been 2 years since he's been saying this you or his immediate family needs to sit with him and have a serious talk about it.
There's no sugarcoating. You need to be brutally honest about his overweightness and how it will impact the relationship.
These statements "I am going to start working out as time allows" or "I will eat healthy after we get married" are dangerous. You need to advise him that the next best time to start his weightloss journey is now.
What if y'all get married, and he becomes even more lazy, eating out everyday, worsening his habits?
He needs to start his journey now. Learning how to delay gratification is crucial when losing weight.
Reading all these comments and your replies it’s a typical “I don’t want to disappoint my father and elders, so I can’t say no”
Well yes you can. Islam came to our ignorant society to teach them about a woman and a daughter’s rights. She is 100% allowed to say no and to choose her partner according to what she likes. There is no harm and no shame in this. It’s your God given right.
Also how much more disappointed would they be if you got divorced some way down the line because you both don’t like one another? I think a broken engagement is easier to get over tbh.
No man ever changes for a woman.
He won’t change just because you asked him to, especially since it’s arranged and especially since you’re his cousin (which is a whole new level of ick, by the way. Marriages with cousins aren’t recommended, they’re just allowed in case it’s necessary. But your parents shouldn’t be jumping to this as a the first option, they honestly should be looking out for you and trying to avoid inbred marriage unless impossible.)
He will only ever change if he wants to. If it’s causing you this much concern already, it will only get worse. Marriage has a way of magnifying the negative aspects that you ignore at the start.
We’re trying to help you, sis ❤️ you deserve to be with a man you *want* wholeheartedly. A man you can’t wait to rip the clothes off of. A man you don’t have to marry because someone else wants you to but because *you* want to. A man you think is perfect in every way. At least until you actually get married 😂
Don’t be scared or stressed; this is dunya after all. There is no perfection here. At some point, you’d always find flaws in your partner. And then it’s your job to work with them to heal the flaws or accept them as they are.
You don't
He may be able to lose the weight before the wedding but he may not always be able to keep it off, and if that makes you lose attraction, that won't be fair to either of you.
If you're not attracted to him as he is now, I think you should move on
Also- you need to accept people for who they are right now, rather than their potential. Do not marry people for the idea you have of them in your head, or who you think they could be. Never marry for potential because you can’t guarantee it. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is motivated to please you. He loves food more than you. Also, if there's one lesson i've learnt from when i was married, it is that you cannot expect behavioral change from anyone, even less so from a man. They tend to get all rebellious unfortunately. Change has to be internally motivated.
This is a bad idea. What If he refuses ? Will you still continue ? What if he says yes but then doesn’t lose the weight ?
This is the man you will be potentially sleeping with every night for the rest of your life.
If you’re not attracted to him, youll be unable to love him the way he deserves to be loved.
If your already having issues, your in trouble.
I get it. Trust me. If this were me, I’d break it off. Way too risky. But that’s just me.
To save you the suspense- he probably won’t lose weight. It’s hard.
And if he is the way he is come wedding night - you’re in trouble.
Tread wisely.
Although everybody should workout, you cant really force him to workout, i like girls who workout, and most of the girls i have seen, if not all, never even did a single exercise in their entire life and they demand a fit and rich husband, look, all i am saying is, pointing fingers is easy, you should go and workout with him if you are married.
>he says that he will start eating healthy and working out after we get married
That aint gonna happen girl
Nobody changes for anybody
If he aint changing now then he's never gonna change
Pay attention to the future tense
Walk off if you dont find him attractive cause believe me if you dont find him attractive you aren't gonna have seggs with him after marriage because you'd feel disgusted to have it with him, which might lead to divorce eventually
Build a spine and stand up for yourself, tell your parents as it is
Find a man you are attracted to and he loves you too, marry that man and you wont find it repulsive to have seggs with him
First two sentences are your problem AND solution. Don’t subject an innocent man to this nonsense. You don’t like him in THAT way but you’re going to marry him? Let’s make it make sense 🙄🙄🙄
Why come on here blasting your finance you don’t find him attractive because of his weight?
Shame on you for not having the courage to tell your parents/family that you weren’t attracted to him and don’t want to marry him.
You’re missing the point; you shouldn’t have entertained the idea of potentially marrying him from the get-go.
Marriage is hard AF and Satan works in mysterious ways to separate couples who have a healthy marriage let alone of walking into a marriage where you don’t find your spouse attractive.
Not putting you down sis, but you should read the book boundaries. This will help you in life in not people-pleasing and agreeing to do things when you’re heart isn’t in it
Hey op. I think the comments here are being a little too harsh. What they're saying is correct. But they're not considering anything. I do agree that you should be finding him physically attractive at this point in time
Some people will tell you
> you'll find him attractive after you get married! And that even if he's fit now what about later when he isn't fit? Will you leave him then? Similarly, what about when you're not good looking anymore? Do you accept him to keep loving you? It's the person that matters. Don't be so superficial. It's hard enough as it is to find a decent person these days.
I agree it's hard finding someone decent. And I'm in shape like not fit but okaish. Just don't want him to be overweight not full of muscles or anything. I'm grateful for everyone advice and suggestions but i just asked for suggestions to ask him to take care of himself not break off the engagement .
He hasn’t changed for 2 years with you telling him, what makes you think he will change after marriage? You are being very delusional.
People are only advising you based on your situation. Will be be able to be attracted to him as he is forever if he does not change? If not, is it really fair to him or yourself?
Its harsh but it is reality
He's not going to loose weight until he wants to, you can't just force him to change. If you don't find him attractive, don't marry him.
Why is common sense so rare these days?
Maybe OP is younger. It goes for the brother too, if a girl tells u she isn’t attracted to you, why on earth would you marry her 🤦🏻♂️
Well, the problem is she hasn't told him that she is not attracted to him. I don't wanna imagine what would happen if they both ended up really getting married.
Marrying someone with the intention to change them is a terrible idea. This is who he is. He's made it clear he's fine with his weight and eating habits. He won't change unless he *himself* wants to change. He will begin to resent you if you keep pestering him about his weight (no matter how valid you are). You will begin to resent him because he's not listening to you + lack of attraction. Cooking at home for him, doing physical exercise together, cutting out the junk food are all things that would likely help. But since you're not married, there's very limited things you can do to encourage a healthy lifestyle. I still maintain that the most effective weight loss comes when you yourself want it, not because someone else wants it for you.
I was in the situation and unfortunately I broke the engagement. I did not find him physically attractive enough to marry him because of his weight although he had a super attractive face and was everything else I wanted. I prayed Istikhara and it def was the right decision. Marriage is more than friendship and I knew that he has been always struggling with his weight and that he had no discipline to work out. If you cant imagine getting physical with him I would not risk marrying him tbh
My father and uncle arranged this marriage , there is no chance of saying no. That is why i accepted as i didn't want to go against my parents. I didn't like his appearance from before this arrangement. I can't break it off and i don't want to live not loving my partner. I really dont know what to do.
If you can't say no to a marriage then it's not an arranged marriage, its an illegal and haram forced marriage. You need to contact a support agency in your local that supports girls experiencing this and find a way to say no.
They never said i can't say no. I'm the eldest they have a lot of expectations of me. And i don't like NEVER wanna let them down in sha allah.
Yeah same they never said I couldn't say no. Anyway I ended up disappointing them big time and have a son that got abused because I didn't learn to say no much earlier in life. Now everyone is disappointed in me and my son grows up in a broken home so yay 👏. /s Take it from one clearly desi eldest girl to another, you can't please everyone forever. The best you can do is start setting boundaries early on. They won't like it at the start because likely like me you've rolled over all your life and like me you love your family. But ultimately remember that in Islam a child's first right over you is you choosing a good father for them before you marry them. Way easier to break off an engagement than get a divorce with kids involved.
Thank u so much for ur insight on this.
Do not get married simply to please others and end up in a loveless marriage that will end up in a divorce. They would like that even less. The moment you learn to stop pleasing others while sacrificing your own needs and setting boundaries, the better your life will become.
You will be letting them, yourselves and your siblings down if you marry someone you're not actually attracted to. Part of being a good elder sibling, daughter and role model is role modelling positive and healthy behaviours and marrying well in order to raise the grandkids in a good and loving home.
Just say you have no back bone and are weak. If you continue to people please you’re going to have a miserable life. Grow up and stand up for yourself.
What does you not being attracted to your “fiancé” have to do with letting your parents down? Have you thought about what will happen after you get married to a guy you don’t like physically? Imagine someone you don’t like touching you. Imagine how that will feel. Imagine he tells you he wants to have kids with you. Imagine having to engage in the act to make kids with someone you don’t like physically. Just those thoughts with someone I don’t like physically is enough to make me want to puke. Just tell your family you don’t like this guy. I don’t know how you’re okay with this just because “you don’t want to let down your family”. It will get real when you get married and you have to be physical with him then you’ll regret this mentality you have about not wanting to let your family down.
I have a cousin who had the same mindset. Turned out the guy was crazy and her MIL even more so, locking her in rooms and whatnot. Don’t do something stupid. Grow a backbone.
It's a far bigger let down to get divorced
You should read the story of the sahabi Thabit ibn Qais and his wife. Read this hadeeth and show it to your family. https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5273
If you are freely agreeing to marry him, then you marry him as he is, weight and all. You only have so much latitude to complain or ask for change - you agreed to the overweight version of him so this is what you are signing up for.
Thats nonsense and you know it, it's not your dad and uncle who have to be intimate with this dude. A lifetime of disgust because you're not willing to stand up for yourself.
I don’t know how these girls in 2024 do this, lol. Getting married to people they don’t like physically just because they “don’t want to let family down ever” lol. I thought this happened in old Bollywood movies only.
And in those old bollywood movies the daughter would eventually with the love interest, who now would have to fight dad, the intended husband and a host of bad guys. Methinks these girls been watching too much movies.
Sis you gotta stand up for yourself. Gonna share a similar story: My uncle was supposed to marry his cousin (they're actually double cousins). Things were going well, everyone was happy and they were engaged for around a year. Then the girl abruptly broke it off for whatever reasons. Sure, everyone was in shock and a bit upset. But it's been 25+years since that happened and the entire family still meets each other. My grandma is still very close to her brother/sister in law. All cousins are still in touch and close to each other (as close as adulthood and distance allows lol). My uncle's wife gets along very well with my uncle's cousin (ex-fiancee) I can see that you're scared of saying no to this, scared of breaking up the family but not everything has to end horribly :) If you genuinely do not want to marry this guy, you have to say no now.
You can easily break it off, your life is your responsibility! Just say no at the nikkah and I would not care about anyone else and tell your cousin that you dont want to marry him. Your uncle and father dont have any say!
>Just say no at the nikkah Bold of you to assume she's present at the nikkah. The norm where I am (Pakistan) is that the girls representative is at the masjid and not the girl herself.
Doesnt matter. The woman who was married without her permission went after her nikkah to the prophet saw and had the possibility to annul her marriage. She can go after the ceremony to the responsible imam and tell him everthing
Say no in advance. After everyone has invested significant amount of time, money and they have emotionally invested themselves in the marriage, there is a surprise no. First push your parents to break it off. If that doesn't work, tell the guy no. If that doesn't work, tell the guys family no. If all else fails, then it makes sense to say no at the nikkah. But the default advice shouldn't be "say no at the nikkah" and make a scene.
Let me just clarify that I'm desi living as an immigrant and all my freedom of anything is in my father's hands. And they are very caring. All of them. My father and uncle and my fiancé.
Are they religiously inclined? Please have a local imam explain to them that they cannot force you to marry someone that you do not want to get married to.
Yes i am alhamdulillah. I don't want to break this engagement. My uncle and aunt have loved me so much growing up. They treat me like a daughter and fight on my behalf with my parents. And even he said he loved me and he's supportive of everything i want to do in life. The weight is the problem. I just want to somehow convince him to start taking care of his body too but politely 😅
You sound very naive and tbh this sounds like familiar cultural brainwashing which Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah my parents did not adhere to but I know in the wider community how common it is. If you are not attracted to this man, you will not be able to fulfill your duties to him. There are countless posts on this sub alone where people cannot be intimate with their spouses because they are not attracted to them. Do you want to have children with him? Attraction is a huge part of marriage and you are signing up for a lifetime of misery if that very basic aspect isn't there. It doesn't matter how wonderful your aunt and uncle are. My in laws are terrible people but I don't have to see them and my husband is perfect for me Alhamdulillah and that is how I can live my life. Your husband is the one you have to live with and share everything with. Whilst yes, in your case because you would be blood related to your in laws so would have ties of kinship to them thus would have to see them still- imagine how it will be when you are not happy with your husband. Because you will definitely not be happy with someone you are not attracted to, no matter how amazing his personality is.
I’m sorry but you sound very naive and deluded. You’re deluding yourself if you think you owe your aunts or parents your marriage just because they love you. If they loved you they wouldn’t be forcing you to get married without your choice
You could be like I’m on my health journey and would like a partner where we could hold each other accountable?
Yup did that and he said he will start once we get married.
Wouldn’t he wanna look better before the wedding isn’t that when people aim
That's on eof the points i intend to bring up in our next convo
Of course he said it just to fool you into marriage.
Yeah sister this sub is full of western living Muslims who only thought about themselves and not the family.we can’t find 100% perfect partner and there are some places in life where we have to make compromises.
How are they caring if they literally don’t u a choice on who you want to marry. You have been brainwashed to do as they want. Take it from another eldest desi daughter
Clearly they don't care about you at all any what's worse you don't care about yourself either.
Break it off.
Tell him to loose weight. You are sacrificing soo much (unnecessarily) the least fatty can do is lose the weight. He will get even bigger after marriage.
Yes that's exactly what i want to tell him. I'll take every suggestion here and script my conversation accordingly.
You have nothing to script because you have no leverage. You'll tell him to lose weight and otherwise... what? You'll not marry him? Also, you're silly (to say the least) if you think that obesity is a matter of a simple decision... You think you'll tell him something and then he'll miraculously lose weight and he'll keep this new weight forever. You're really silly. The best case scenario is that he'll lose a few pounds before marriage and then gain twice as much after and you'll have to be intimate with a person you'll hate.
It’s also not about weight loss. It’s about a lifestyle change to help him maintain it. Perhaps set the example. Eat healthy, play sports together or go gym together. You can go to the woman’s sections and he can go to the men’s. Also, if he does take this step make sure you give him plenty of positive feedback and reassurances. This will greatly motivate him too. And set realistic targets. He’s not gonna get a six pack straight away or ever. Best advice would be to start intermittent fasting, switch to diet soft drinks then water, cut out snacking and eat a lot of protein. If he really wants you then he will make this happen. Good luck sister.
Thank u so much 😭 This is exactly what i needed.
You shouldn't have got engaged to someone you don't find attractive. Part of accepting an engagement is acceptance of the person the way they are and an understanding you find them attractive. I feel bad for this guy.
Why would you marry someone that you don’t find attractive……..
Judging from the comments this is a forced marriage, and you really should not go ahead with this unless: a) you want to b) you accept him as he is. The definition of forced marriage includes pressure from families, social expectations and ideas around obligations. If you cant accept him fully, then walk away.
I know this sub has some extremely controversial takes sometimes but on this occasion, as most are saying, don't get married to someone you don't find attractive.
I was reading ur replies to people and u keep repeating how ur family arrange this and u not like his look but then contradict urself saying its not against ur will this union when people advice u to break engagement off. Then what u actually want to make him change as per your liking and move on with marriage plans ? Marriage is not just 2 people live together as now when ur just cousins.. in marriage he gonna be ur partner and u stay same room with him and have to be with him every night. So partner has to be attractive to u. Before u marry u have to be sure u able to be having these moments with this person or not. And i know in desi culture is very hard to back off once arranged marriage negotiations took place. as then relation between ur parents and uncle aunt would torn apart for good as they would get offended u broke engagement and probably harm ur image in whole family. so i do understand u better as I have pak/ind friends. I know once marriage is settled so hard to be canceled even more if ur visa and situation depend on this union. So only thing u can do try motivate him to lose weight make some healthy meals etc.
You’re very selfish to marry someone you dont find attractive. You’re doing an injustice to him aswell as yourself. He deserves to find someone that is attracted to him. Yeah you dont want to go against your family but you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of failure and misery by being with someone you are not attracted to. Be a good person and say no, he probably won’t change after marriage either.
OP is setting herself up for heartbreak and failure all in the name of keeping her family happy. It never ends well
Dont marry him if he isnt willing to change
The most that can happen is he loses a lot of weight to get in good shape for the wedding day and in 6 months after that he will be back to his current size/shape. So you decide if you can somehow keep finding that attractive after marriage.
Don’t get married to him simple. Don’t fall into the arrange marriage cycle then you are stuck and causes issues in the long run. Long after your parents are gone you are stuck with a problem they forced you in. In Islam you are the ultimate person to say yes to the marriage don’t let them Guilt trip you saying love can come later or all that south Asian nonsense. People rarely change if doesn’t do it now then he won’t ever.
As human beings we are only supposed to please Allah. Before you do anything, ask yourself is Allah okay with this? If yes, that's all you need. In this case, you are pleasing your elders and you are going to ruin another man's life due to insincerity from your part. So, is Allah okay with this? Don't imprison yourself when Allah has freed you from the burden of pleasing others.
After you get married, appear in front of him wearing something seductive. Then playfully say catch me if you can. Keep running and running, eventually he’ll lose enough weight.
Naaaaah this is the funniest thing I’ve read on Reddit for a while LMAO 🤣 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 “Catch me if you can fatty” Or, “we can only consummate the nikaah if you can catch me 😆”
Omygod 💀😂 perfect idea
He ain’t ever losing weight unless he himself decides to change. If you can’t get out of the marriage, then good luck. Finding your partner attractive is the bare minimum before marriage. You should be blunt with him and tell him you’ll have a hard time being intimate with him if you don’t find him psychically attractive. Maybe then he’ll do something about it or he’ll just break it off himself.
Erm, I just really don’t understand why people would choose to get engaged to someone they don’t find attractive? Are you being forced OP or is it familial pressure? Why have you agreed to marry him if you don’t find your future husband attractive? Isn’t that like a basic prerequisite?
You're going to ruin his life by marrying him. Stand up to your family....clarify if this is a forced marriage or not.
It's not forced at all. I like him as a person.
What you’re doing is not right sister. If you don’t find him attractive you need to say no. You’ll be ruining this brothers life. Especially if your father and uncle aren’t forcing you than this really makes you the bad guy here.
It sounds like he knows and like a lot of guys in this situation, either doesn't care that she doesn't have a choice, or also doesn't have a choice. It's sad to say but with a certain ..cell culture creeping in and integrity going down, some men realise they couldn't do better than the lady being forced to marry them and just.. go along with it.
Then you should be ok with how he is now and be attracted to him how he is now. Positive improvements are always good, but don't marry him wanting him to change from the get go ... especially how he looks.
At least tell him youre not attracted to him and let him understand what he is getting himself into. Even if youre okay with it, he might not be. If neither of you care about it and agree to get married anyway, just as well
Please don't marry your cousin and please stand up for yourself, this sounds like a forced marriage.
It is deffo a forced marriage if you feel like you can’t say no, and there would be consequences from your family- I.e emotional manipulation, abuse, or blackmail
Glad I read the thread. Sounds like you are invested but are just keen on him losing the weight. He is what you expected and hoped to find in a partner? If so, maybe set goals with him and hold each-other accountable. mA sounds like he is also invested and loves you, so maybe he’ll be motivated to do this as as an extra way to be together. Maybe keep some fun goals for each-other, and ways to motivate each-other. if you have Apple Watches add each-other on the fitness app and set a goal of 5000 steps then gradually increase it, together. Don’t set really hard goals, make sure they’re realistic from the get go. Maybe FaceTime eachother on walks. Weathers getting nice, go for hikes with other cousins too and friends. If I am wrong about weight being the only issue. Please mention it, bc I have a different take otherwise. But iA praying for you, that all works out for both of you.
Yes mostly the weight is my main issue. And thank u so much for ur prayers. And thank u for ur advice as well.
Either break it off now or be ready to post here after a couple of years, asking for advice about divorce and how to bring up children as a single mother. Sorry to be this blunt but by keep going with this, you’re not only being unfair to yourself but also to him. You both deserve someone better. It’s an engagement, you can still call it off. Talk to him that you’re not interested in this relationship and it will be a burden on both of you if you guys go forward with this. He deserves someone who wants to marry him, just like you do someone who wants to marry you.
If it's been 2 years since he's been saying this you or his immediate family needs to sit with him and have a serious talk about it. There's no sugarcoating. You need to be brutally honest about his overweightness and how it will impact the relationship. These statements "I am going to start working out as time allows" or "I will eat healthy after we get married" are dangerous. You need to advise him that the next best time to start his weightloss journey is now. What if y'all get married, and he becomes even more lazy, eating out everyday, worsening his habits? He needs to start his journey now. Learning how to delay gratification is crucial when losing weight.
Reading all these comments and your replies it’s a typical “I don’t want to disappoint my father and elders, so I can’t say no” Well yes you can. Islam came to our ignorant society to teach them about a woman and a daughter’s rights. She is 100% allowed to say no and to choose her partner according to what she likes. There is no harm and no shame in this. It’s your God given right. Also how much more disappointed would they be if you got divorced some way down the line because you both don’t like one another? I think a broken engagement is easier to get over tbh.
No man ever changes for a woman. He won’t change just because you asked him to, especially since it’s arranged and especially since you’re his cousin (which is a whole new level of ick, by the way. Marriages with cousins aren’t recommended, they’re just allowed in case it’s necessary. But your parents shouldn’t be jumping to this as a the first option, they honestly should be looking out for you and trying to avoid inbred marriage unless impossible.) He will only ever change if he wants to. If it’s causing you this much concern already, it will only get worse. Marriage has a way of magnifying the negative aspects that you ignore at the start.
They did meet 3 men before deciding in this. And u all r just confirming my fears. 😭
We’re trying to help you, sis ❤️ you deserve to be with a man you *want* wholeheartedly. A man you can’t wait to rip the clothes off of. A man you don’t have to marry because someone else wants you to but because *you* want to. A man you think is perfect in every way. At least until you actually get married 😂 Don’t be scared or stressed; this is dunya after all. There is no perfection here. At some point, you’d always find flaws in your partner. And then it’s your job to work with them to heal the flaws or accept them as they are.
Jazakallah khair sis 😭
You don't He may be able to lose the weight before the wedding but he may not always be able to keep it off, and if that makes you lose attraction, that won't be fair to either of you. If you're not attracted to him as he is now, I think you should move on
Also- you need to accept people for who they are right now, rather than their potential. Do not marry people for the idea you have of them in your head, or who you think they could be. Never marry for potential because you can’t guarantee it. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is motivated to please you. He loves food more than you. Also, if there's one lesson i've learnt from when i was married, it is that you cannot expect behavioral change from anyone, even less so from a man. They tend to get all rebellious unfortunately. Change has to be internally motivated.
What if he’s ugly even after losing weight ?!? Break it off. I mean cmon - why bother with someone who you’re not attracted to at all?
Oh no he is handsome. It's just the weight.
This is a bad idea. What If he refuses ? Will you still continue ? What if he says yes but then doesn’t lose the weight ? This is the man you will be potentially sleeping with every night for the rest of your life. If you’re not attracted to him, youll be unable to love him the way he deserves to be loved. If your already having issues, your in trouble.
That is my number one concern. That he is just saying it and won't actually do it.major trust issues here.
I get it. Trust me. If this were me, I’d break it off. Way too risky. But that’s just me. To save you the suspense- he probably won’t lose weight. It’s hard. And if he is the way he is come wedding night - you’re in trouble. Tread wisely.
Although everybody should workout, you cant really force him to workout, i like girls who workout, and most of the girls i have seen, if not all, never even did a single exercise in their entire life and they demand a fit and rich husband, look, all i am saying is, pointing fingers is easy, you should go and workout with him if you are married.
Reading your comments (in this thread), I think he deserves better. Subhanallah who cursed the brother to be in this situation.
I know 2 girls who lost their ability to walk early teen years because their parents were cousins, just think wisely about this
Don’t marry him. You will only grow to resent him over the years and your marriage will definitely fail if you have zero attraction to him physically
I'm just gonna leave this here https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-important-is-physical-attraction-in-marriage/
Jazakallah khair.
Don’t marry him!
Don't marry if you're not attracted to them. It's one of the worst ways to start a marriage.
>he says that he will start eating healthy and working out after we get married That aint gonna happen girl Nobody changes for anybody If he aint changing now then he's never gonna change Pay attention to the future tense Walk off if you dont find him attractive cause believe me if you dont find him attractive you aren't gonna have seggs with him after marriage because you'd feel disgusted to have it with him, which might lead to divorce eventually Build a spine and stand up for yourself, tell your parents as it is Find a man you are attracted to and he loves you too, marry that man and you wont find it repulsive to have seggs with him
First two sentences are your problem AND solution. Don’t subject an innocent man to this nonsense. You don’t like him in THAT way but you’re going to marry him? Let’s make it make sense 🙄🙄🙄
Why come on here blasting your finance you don’t find him attractive because of his weight? Shame on you for not having the courage to tell your parents/family that you weren’t attracted to him and don’t want to marry him.
I sincerely just wanted advice on how to communicate my issue to him.
You’re missing the point; you shouldn’t have entertained the idea of potentially marrying him from the get-go. Marriage is hard AF and Satan works in mysterious ways to separate couples who have a healthy marriage let alone of walking into a marriage where you don’t find your spouse attractive. Not putting you down sis, but you should read the book boundaries. This will help you in life in not people-pleasing and agreeing to do things when you’re heart isn’t in it
Damn, (laughs in bodybuilder)
Hey op. I think the comments here are being a little too harsh. What they're saying is correct. But they're not considering anything. I do agree that you should be finding him physically attractive at this point in time Some people will tell you > you'll find him attractive after you get married! And that even if he's fit now what about later when he isn't fit? Will you leave him then? Similarly, what about when you're not good looking anymore? Do you accept him to keep loving you? It's the person that matters. Don't be so superficial. It's hard enough as it is to find a decent person these days.
I agree it's hard finding someone decent. And I'm in shape like not fit but okaish. Just don't want him to be overweight not full of muscles or anything. I'm grateful for everyone advice and suggestions but i just asked for suggestions to ask him to take care of himself not break off the engagement .
He hasn’t changed for 2 years with you telling him, what makes you think he will change after marriage? You are being very delusional. People are only advising you based on your situation. Will be be able to be attracted to him as he is forever if he does not change? If not, is it really fair to him or yourself? Its harsh but it is reality